Wordsmiths v Educators Only Connect

Hello, and welcome to Only Connect,

the best "Only" show since Only When I Laugh and Only Fools And Horses.

Unfortunately, there won't be any laughter

and there won't be any horses, but let's meet the teams.

On my right, Brian Pendreigh, a freelance journalist

who enjoys racquet sports and is a keen collector of bubblegum cards.

Chris Brewis, a former Scrabble champion

and member of the Durham Wildlife Trust, who once came second in a Rab C Nesbitt lookalike competition.

And their captain, Dave Taylor,

a retired transport manager who enjoys solving cryptic crosswords

and listening to Sibelius symphonies.

United by a love of creative writing, they are:

So you've got literature covered. What about the other quizzing areas?

Well, we have two mathematicians,

or we think we're mathematicians, anyhow.

And music, as long as it's anything before 1970,

-then we're definitely covered.

-Fair enough.

Your opposition are...on my left. Matt Finch, a science teacher

and aspiring linguist who is learning to teach German and French.

Michelle La Roche, a modern languages teacher - that's handy -

and former banker who enjoys Far Eastern fiction

and collects memorabilia from music festivals.

And their captain, Jay La Roche, a science teacher

and former analytical chemist who has a degree in marine biology and a passion for Agatha Christie.

All secondary school teachers from Essex. They are:

You're used to running a classroom with a rod of iron. Will that be useful as captain?

Hopefully, I can keep these two in check.

Sister-in-law, so I'm used to keeping tabs on her and I've worked with Matt for a couple of years.

I'm pretty certain I can keep them where I need them.

Let's get on with Round One. What's the connection between four apparently random clues?

If you tell me after fewer than four clues you'll get more points.

Educators, you won the toss and the right to go first.

Please choose your Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Can we have Eye of Horus, please?

-You absolutely can and may.

These are picture clues. What's the connection?

First one coming up now.

Next, please.

Next.

MICHELLE: Pavlova.

It could have something to do with ballet.

What's that region between Romania and Ukraine?

-It was created for a ballerina.

-Pavlova was a ballerina.

Shall we go to next? Next, please.

Kournikova. They all come from that place!

-Five seconds.

-All names of ballerinas?

-No.

BELL

They're all Russian?

Anna Kournikova's Russian!

I'm just thinking... No. I'm afraid they are not all Russian.

Some of them may be, but all of them, no.

A bonus chance for the Wordsmiths.

-They all end "ova".

-They all end in "ova".

-What are we looking at?

-Terra Nova.

-Scott's ship from the Antarctic expedition.

-Moldova.

-The eastern European country.

-Pavlova.

-Mm-hm.

-And Sharapova.

Ooh, you fell at the last. It's Anna Kournikova.

They all end in "ova", so you get a bonus point.

Time to choose your own question.

-Horned viper, please.

-Horned viper slithering forth.

First clue coming up...

now!

Liz Taylor, Richard Burton.

Next, please.

Life Of Riley. Are they all written by the same person?

-It's a bit obscure that, though.

-Next, please.

That's Mike Leigh.

All the same place?

They all feature university lecturers?

They're all at parties?

Ten seconds.

Next please.

-They're all...

-Yeah. I know it.

-BELL

-Brian is going to say what it is.

The title character doesn't appear in the play.

You are absolutely right.

-Can you tell me the authors?

-Edward Albee.

Abigail's Party is Mike Leigh. Waiting For Godot, Samuel Beckett.

-I don't know Life Of Riley.

-Alan Ayckbourn.

All plays in which the title character doesn't appear. Well done.

Over to you, Educators, to choose a question.

-Can we have Twisted Flax, please?

-I don't see why not.

What is the connection here?

Your time starts...now.

WHISPERING: China.

Next.

Things that must have some sort of chemical.

We're guessing now. Roman mouthwashes?

-What's in gunpowder?

-No idea. Next.

It must be an element that makes them...

Saltpetre compound, but I don't know anything more than that.

Shall we go for next? ..Next, please.

-Ten seconds.

-Is it anything to do with pheromones?

Pheromones are used in marking territory...

It's contains urine. BELL

-They all contain urine or use urine.

-You're absolutely right.

That's one that would have been awkward if it was wrong!

I'd have said, "How DO your minds work?" But, no.

Urine was put into mouthwash until the 18th century.

-Lovely.

-For its lovely flavour.

In Rome, urine was so valuable it was taxed by Emperor Nero.

No doubt, that's given some ideas to the coalition.

By the time the show finishes, we'll be paying every time.

Uses for urine, correct. Back to you, Wordsmiths.

Two reeds, please.

Two reeds. What's the connection here? Time starts...

now!

Oh, Picasso paintings!

-Yeah. Next.

-Next, please.

Or is it Van Gogh? No... Yeah, it could be Van Gogh.

Take the next one. I think it's Van Gogh.

Next one, please.

Is it Dr Gachet?

Is it not paintings of Dr Gachet by Van Gogh?

-Yeah.

-Shall I say that?

-Yeah.

Happy if you want to go.

-Ten seconds.

-BELL

Paintings of Dr Gachet by Van Gogh.

CHRIS: Paintings by Van Gogh.

-Have one more go.

-Paintings by Van Gogh.

Of the doctor.

Come on. You've see this show! I'm afraid I can't accept it.

I'm going to show the fourth clue to the Educators for a bonus.

They're self portraits by Van Gogh.

I gave you another go, to see if you could get it precisely,

but bonus points to the Educators.

Not to be confused with "self portrait with pipe AND straw hat!"

Nor "self portrait with straw hat and pipe!"

He really loved to ring the changes. Bonus point to you, Educators.

-Which question would you like?

-We'll go for lion.

The music question. I'm sure your opponents will be relieved.

Always the risk it's something after 1970.

What's the connection between these audio clues? Here's the first.

INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: "Machine Gun" by The Commodores.

-Next.

-# You know when that shark bites

# With his teeth, dear

# Scarlet billows start to spread... #

Next.

# What a catalyst you turned out to be

# Loaded the guns then you run off home for your tea... #

-Ten seconds.

-# ..Left me standing

-# ..like a guilty schoolboy... #

-Next.

# I gave you what I had and you tossed it in the trash... #

Three seconds.

BELL

They all feature weapons in the title of the song.

You look so nervous, but they do! What did you recognise?

Number two was Mack The Knife.

The last one was Grenade by Bruno Mars. I didn't get the other two.

I might ask the Wordsmiths. We heard something from after 1970.

-Eton Rifles.

-Eton Rifles by The Jam.

The first one was The Commodores, Machine Gun.

All contain weapons in the titles. Very well done.

Wordsmiths, there is one question left. It's water.

-We'll have Water then, please.

-I think you should.

What is the connection? Time starts now.

That sounds like a mnemonic of some kind.

Next, please.

It's how they tune different musical instruments, I would say.

Next one, or do you want to just take it?

< Take it. It's up to you.

BELL

They're mnemonics for tuning different musical instruments.

I'll take it. They're musical mnemonics.

I'll give you three points.

The second and fourth clues are spaces on a bass clef

and notes on a treble clef, but they are musical mnemonics.

Very well done.

So, at the end of Round One, the Educators have got three points,

but the Wordsmiths are ahead with five.

Round Two, sequences. This time, you must work out the connection

but tell me what comes fourth in a sequence.

You may see a maximum of three clues before giving me the answer.

Educators, you'll be going first again.

Which hieroglyph takes your fancy?

We'll go for two reeds, please.

What do you think will be the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Could be anything, couldn't it?

Next.

-Ooh, things that...

-But what's the sequence?

Yeah, but if you can...

It wouldn't be red and yellow, then red-yellow?

Next.

Something to do with Germany?

Hold on. It's something with four rings.

-Cos the Audi's got... No.

-Ten seconds.

-BELL

-Um... Olympic flag.

I'll give you the points. Why?

Olympic flag's got five rings. Audi's got four.

Rubik's Magic three and MasterCard was two.

That is it, overlapping rings or circles.

I wanted to hear something that had five

and the Olympic flag is a good example.

-Well done. Over to you, Wordsmiths.

-The Eye of Horus, please.

I want to hear the same thing. What is fourth in the sequence?

Next, please.

THEY MURMUR TO THEMSELVES

That doesn't make sense of the first one.

Next please.

THEY CONTINUE TALKING IN LOW VOICES

Ten seconds.

Five to three.

BELL

Five...

..two arrows three.

I'm afraid that is not the answer. There's a bonus chance.

-It's five two arrows four.

-It is five, four. Why is that?

The second number is the number of letters in the first number.

It's one of those spiky little Only Connect questions

harder than aged pecorino cheese.

If you wrote out the first number, the number of letters in it

would be represented by the second number.

The number of letters in "five", four. Well spotted, Educators.

As a reward, I'll allow you to choose a question.

Can we have twisted flax, please?

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Next.

-WHISPERS:

-Oh, Grissom. That's CSI.

Is it their ranking? Do you watch CSI?

Maybe CSI... So who's the next in the sequence?

Next.

Yeah, it is. It's exactly CSI.

Who was their head?

-No idea?

-WHISPERS

That's what it is, though.

-So, what's his name?

-I don't watch it.

-Ten seconds.

-I don't know. I don't watch it.

I don't watch it either. Just guess it.

-Three seconds.

-BELL

Going with the game of odds, 1: Jones.

-LAUGHING:

-That is not the answer, but the Wordsmiths may know.

-1: Gegarin.

-That's correct. Why?

They're the first people to go up in rockets.

Not necessarily into space...

No, into space. Yeah. Into space.

-Yes.

-It is the first four men in space.

Only wanted to know the fourth, which is the first.

So the fourth man in space, Titov, Grissom next,

Shepard the second and the first man in space, Gagarin.

Well done, Wordsmiths. It's your turn to pick a question.

-Horned viper, please.

-What's the fourth in this sequence?

They're going to be picture clues.

The first picture is an excellent one. Here it is.

Next, please.

-It's Till Death Us Do Part.

-No. It's In Sickness And In Health.

THEY CONFER IN LOW VOICES

It's in the wedding, the marriage. For richer, for poorer.

..For better, for worse.

-Till Death Us Do Part.

-Keep going.

Yeah, Till Death Us Do Part.

-That's Till Death Us Do Part.

-That's In Sickness And In Health.

BELL

A picture from the... Till Death Us Do Part.

That is exactly what we showed. Why is that?

-It's the marriage vows.

-The Church Of England marriage service.

First, that excellent memoir, For Richer, For Poorer.

Still available somewhere. Not book shops.

Might find one down the back of my sofa.

In Sickness And In Health.

Till Death Us Do Part was made first but we showed the sequel.

To Love And To Cherish would be next in the marriage vows.

-Are you married yourselves?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Not to each other.

I'm delighted to see that you remember the vows.

-Educators, it's your turn.

-We'll go for water, please.

What's the fourth in this sequence?

Next.

-Processes of making beer.

-Is it beer?

-Or is it making whisky?

-Hops and barley.

-Do you want to go for next?

-Or do you want to go for it?

Next.

So it's got to be barley or...

-Which one?

-I don't know. It's up to you.

Hops.

-OK? Yeah?

-BELL

-I'm going to go with hops.

-Not the answer, I'm afraid. Wordsmiths?

-Is it mash?

-That's not it either.

You're closer. You're in the right area. It's to do with beer.

And the answer is beer. The four stages in the brewing process.

Grain, then malt, then wort. After that you get beer.

That makes me thirsty, just thinking about it.

I might have a sip from my hipflask

while you get on with the last question.

Lion is what it is. What's the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Maybe capitals on the Danube?

-Could be. Next.

-Capitals on the Danube.

Vienna and then, um...

And then... Not sure.

-Yeah, take the next one.

-The next, please.

It's Vienna, yeah.

BELL

-Vienna.

-Yes, it is. And why's that?

Capitals on the Danube, travelling west?

Upstream.

Capital cities on the Danube going upstream. Very well done.

That brings us to the end of round two.

The Educators have six points. The Wordsmiths are ahead with 11.

Time for Round Three, the Connecting Wall.

16 clues, which must be sorted into four connected groups of four.

Points for finding the groups. Points for the connections.

If you're easily bored, why not play along at home?

You'll find the Connecting Walls on the website.

Why not? I know I'll be making phone calls.

Wordsmiths, your turn to go first. I'm going to give you a choice.

-Lion or water?

-Lion, please.

You've got two and a half minutes to solve the lion wall,

starting now.

Hats.

Guilder is currency.

Or hats.

-Punt and Dennis are comedians.

-Tolar's a currency.

Mark is currency. And Schilling.

Do the currencies.

BUZZ

Mark could easily be something else, so why don't we try...?

- Do we have another currency? Punt. - Shavin's a comedian as well.

Try Punt, Tolar, Guilder, Schilling.

BUZZ

-Right...

-Right...

Smear campaign, fundraising campaign,

PR campaign, military campaign. How's that?

-Well done.

-Just three attempts now.

Right, Holmes is on The Now Show.

Mitch Benn, Laura Shavin, Hugh Dennis.

It's just working out what the other ones are.

Are they all hat makers?

-Could be.

-Cos I've never heard of the others.

- Don't know. - Ishihara sounds like a designer.

We're probably going to have to go for that.

- I don't know what they all are. - Just have to guess at it.

You've got a minute left.

Could they just be wider fashion designers?

Ishihara sounds Japanese.

We'll go for designers.

And see if we're asked for more specific.

You solved the wall. Very well done. You get four points right away

for finding the four groups.

More points available for the connections. What about that first blue group?

-They're all currencies.

-Absorbed into the euro.

-Former currencies now in the euro.

-It's an even better answer.

Currencies that stopped when the euro came in. Next one...

-Campaigns?

-They can be followed by "campaign".

Third group...

-The Now Show.

-They are on The Now Show.

Can you tell me their first names?

Mitch...? Mitch Benn, Laura Shavin.

-Jon Holmes.

-And Hugh Dennis.

The great Hugh Dennis. They appear on Radio 4's The Now Show.

And the last one...?

Schilling is definitely a hat maker's, so...

Can we try "clothes designers" then go for hat makers?

I'll let you throw both answers at me.

They're as incorrect as each other. They are medical tests.

-Yes...

-Ishihara is colour blindness!

It is colour blindness. You don't know the Wassermann test?

-No.

-You've obviously been living right. It's for syphilis.

The Schilling test. He is a hat designer,

but this is to do with Vitamin B12 absorption.

Mantoux is a test for...TB.

Medical tests. You found four groups.

You got three connections. That's a total of seven points.

Time to bring back the Educators and give them a fresh Connecting Wall,

see if they can sort it into four connected groups of four.

Hello again, Educators. You get the water wall.

You've got two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

Tiananmen Square, St Peter's Square, Trafalgar Square, Wenceslas Square.

-BUZZ

-Must be another square.

Armistice Square. You keep thinking. I'll work through these.

BUZZ

Abel lady...? BUZZ

BUZZ

-BUZZ

-It's not those.

Pink lady? Pink...

-Oak Apple, that's an acorn, another name for something.

-Yeah.

People who've got other...

-Abel, was he...? No.

-Thinking Armistice.

- Is that a square? - Yeah. Try that.

I'm going to keep working with squares.

-Is Wenceslas definitely a square?

-Yeah. It's definitely a square.

-BUZZ

-Not squares!

I've got absolutely no idea.

People who've got other... people attached to them, maybe?

OK, so pairs. Cain and Abel. Romulus and Remus.

Yeah, um...

What's Pinko?

-Try it.

-We need one more.

-BUZZ

-No.

-Halfway through the time.

-Oak Apple is definitely an acorn.

-What about Attack poodle?

Think a bit more less obviously, a bit more laterally, maybe.

There's got to be a square in here.

-Definitely those three?

-Yeah.

Not Trafalgar. You've done that already.

- So leave Wenceslas out. - Is Armistice a square?

-I don't know.

-No.

-But if you're...

-I've got no idea now.

-Monuments to people?

Shall we move on to something else? I think so.

Did King Hamlet have a famous brother?

BUZZ

BUZZ

You've got 30 seconds now.

-Ooh, no!

-I've got absolutely no idea.

Attack poodle? What's that? King...?

We'll just have that one, that one, called something else.

BUZZ

BUZZ

Ten seconds.

And...

BUZZ

BUZZ

BUZZ

And your time is up. Bamboozled by the wall!

Stumped!

Not to worry. You can still get points for the connections.

Let's resolve the wall.

Red, Tiananmen, Tahrir, St Peter's.

They're famous squares. Red Square, didn't even see it!

There's a square you kept putting in that isn't in that group.

Squares is the connection.

Oak Apple, Armistice, Lady, Trafalgar.

No idea. Days, like Armistice Day, Lady Day.

-They are days!

-Are they?

-Yes. And the next one.

Remus, Wenceslas, King Hamlet, Abel.

Famous brothers. Romulus and Remus, Cain and Abel.

-Brothers...?

-Give me a little bit more?

-Twins? Twin brothers?

-Evil brothers.

-I'll take it. They do all have famous or evil brothers.

They were all killed by their brothers.

Famous brothers, I suppose so,

because the villains are their well-known brothers.

Pinko, Lefty, Attack poodle, Wet.

-I've no idea.

-Totally threw us.

-I can't give you too long. No.

They're just political epithets, derogatory political epithets.

Attack poodle is someone that's a bit servile.

Wet, a Tory with Liberal tendencies. Lefty, obvious. Pinko.

-A bit red.

-Yeah.

So you found no groups, unfortunately.

-You did find three connections, so you get three points.

-Redeeming.

-Let's have a look at the scores.

For more Connecting Walls, you'll find them on the website,

where you can write your own.

-Have you played Connecting Walls?

-Lots. On the big boards at school.

-And you normally find a couple of groups?

-Oh, yeah!

-Normally.

-One or two!

-Thanks for asking!

-Do you think we gave you a really hard wall or is it the tension of the studio?

-That was hard, I think.

Missing Vowels - we've taken names, phrases or sayings,

removed the vowels and squidged up the consonants.

I want to know what are those disguised words? Fingers on buzzers.

The first group are all...

Patchwork quilt.

Eiderdown.

-Centrepane.

-I'm afraid you lose a point. Educators?

It's counterpane. Next clue.

Electric blanket.

Next category...

Concert pianist.

-Fashion designer.

-I'm afraid you lose a point. Educators?

Too long. Fashion editor. Next clue.

-Paleontologist?

-That's the obvious one!

Aerobics instructor.

Next category...

No. This is a tough one. Entablature. Next clue.

"Logg-ia". I'd pronounce it "Loja", but you got the consonants right.

Next clue.

Ogive.

Don't know this one. Quatrefoil or "quarterfoil". Next category...

Dana International.

Lulu.

-END-OF-QUIZ JINGLE

-No!

-That's the end of the quiz. Did you know it?

-Lordi.

-From Finland.

Never heard of them. After 1970, I'm afraid, so no good for you.

At the end of the quiz, the Educators have got

an excellent 16 points,

but the Wordsmiths are ahead with 19.

Wordsmiths, you are through to the quarterfinals. Very well done.

Educators, what a shame! A spirited performance,

but I'm afraid it's goodbye.

That's it from Only Connect tonight. We'll be back next week.

But if you want to vote for your favourite contestant,

you really haven't been paying attention! Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]