Scribes v Ciphers Only Connect

Hello and welcome to the toughest quiz on TV.

We have two fresh teams and if they fail to do well,

I'm sure there'll be much gnashing of teeth

as they try to eat a sandwich in the Only Connect green room.

But, no, I'm confident that once again we'll have a dazzling performance

with contestants so fast, they make other quiz-show punters

look like tortoises forced to carry a heavy load for a bet.

I shouldn't say that, it's cruel

and simply serves to give ITV2 a new idea for a game show.

What I should say is let's meet the teams.

So, on my right, Holly Pattenden, a classics graduate

with an MSc in global politics,

who sings second soprano in the Bach Choir.

Gareth Price, a magazine editor and history buff,

who can converse in German, French, Swedish and Polish.

And their captain Dom Tait, an associate editor

with a BA in English literature and an MA in international cinema,

who's a goalie for a seven-a-side football team in North London.

They're all professional publishers and editors. They are the Scribes.

Dom, you've got a fairly academic heavyweight team.

How did you decide who'd be captain?

It wasn't particularly democratic, I have to say.

But it possibly stems down to the goalkeeper's secret desire

to play up front once in a while. So here I am.

Do you feel you're the one who has got the most breadth of knowledge for quizzes?

I feel like I'm the one who really likes hitting the buzzer

and therefore I'm perfectly placed for it right here.

Excellent.

I hope you'll be hitting the buzzer regularly throughout the evening.

Let's see who you're playing.

On my left, Antony Edwards, a keen bridge player who plays tuba

with the York Railway Institute Brass Band

and has a PhD in mathematics education from Loughborough University.

Neil Zussman, a data analyst with a degree in maths, who can read

Hebrew and has represented the UK in the World Puzzle Championships.

And their captain, James Hall, a maths graduate

with an interest in Renaissance music,

who can recite the first Harry Potter book in its entirety from memory.

United by a passion for puzzles, they are the Ciphers.

That's a useful skill you've got, James, how did you acquire that?

We had a recording off the radio - it was broadcast -

and I used to fall asleep listening to it when I was about 12.

And it stuck with me, unfortunately, or fortunately,

depending on how you view it.

I know what you mean. I used to do that with Jennings. That's what I listened to going to sleep.

-"Mr Carter got on the bus."

-LAUGHTER

-Do you still read Jennings these days?

-I certainly did.

Excellent. Glad to hear it. Let's hope for your sake it comes up.

But we won't know what will come up unless we play Round One. Teams,

I simply want to know what is the connection between four apparently random clues.

Ciphers, you won the toss, you'll be going first.

Which Egyptian hieroglyph appeals to you most?

-What do you think, Neil?

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

-Lion.

OK. You're going to get picture clues immediately.

What's the connection between them? Here's the first.

Ballot paper.

You can spoil them. Next, please.

Check. Checkers.

Could be draughts.

It could be "check". You put a check mark.

Should we go with...? Next, please.

That's a fin. A shark's fin.

Um...

THEY WHISPER

Ten seconds.

Next, please.

Tie. Not....

Three seconds.

BELL

What do you think? Checks?

Checks.

That is not the connection.

So, Scribes, you have the chance of a bonus.

Are they styles of shirt? Check, fin, X? The famous X-shirt(!)

You're both very seized by the check.

How would the others be styles of shirt?

That's an excellent question. Black and white is a style of shirt!

Black and white is not a style of shirt!

That's just a description of the shirt.

In which case, I give up.

What if I were to tell you

that these pictures represent

Pole, Czech, Finn, Thai.

They are nationalities.

It's all about what they sound like -

Pole, Czech, Finn, Thai.

No points there. Scribes, it's your turn to pick a question.

-Horned Viper, please.

-OK.

What's the connection between these? Here's the first.

Must be something that happens...

Next, please.

-It's every ten years, isn't it? Is that correct?

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

-Driving licence is ten years?

-Yeah, it is.

-The Poet Laureate. Has that changed recently?

-It's changed.

It used to be for life, now it's for ten years.

-Are you happy for me to buzz?

-Go for it.

BELL

Are they things that happen every ten years?

They are things that happen every ten years.

You didn't even need to see the next clues...

Very well done.

-Did you fill in the Census?

-Yes.

Did you do it honestly?

-As far as I could, yeah.

-I didn't.

I always lie about my age on principle.

I once reported the theft of a mobile phone to the police

and they ask for your date of birth.

I was so offended, I took 12 years off. That'll show them, I thought.

I never got the phone back.

Very well done, coming in after two clues you get three points.

Back to you to choose a hieroglyph.

-Ant?

-Water, please.

Water.

What is this connection? Time starts now.

THEY WHISPER

Next, please.

Avian resident of Hundred Acre Wood.

Hundred Acre Wood is Winnie the Pooh.

THEY WHISPER THROUGHOUT

It's Wol. It's Wol.

Are they...? Take the name of something and swap it around?

Swap the letter round to get a name?

Next, please.

Agh.

-10 seconds.

-Is it W-O-L?

-It's definitely Wol, yes.

-Just do that.

OK.

Um, they're something where the name has come from a more general name.

So the avian resident of Hundred Acre Wood is Owl and that's Wol.

The name is an anagram of what it is.

They are not to do with anagrams, I'm sorry about that.

Scribes, do you want to go for a bonus?

Yeah, um, they are... The very creatures themselves is their name.

Holly Golightly's flatmate is a cat called Cat.

The resident of Hundred Acre Wood is Owl.

The monkey is the knitted sidekick. of Johnny Vegas and it's a monkey.

And Colombo's basset hound is Dog. Very well done.

You were close. It was to do with the names.

These creatures are named after what they are.

Cat, owl, dog, monkey. Let me ask you this question.

Based purely on your knowledge of children's literature,

if you could have a fourth member of a quiz team,

would you choose an owl or a badger?

I'd choose an owl, because

they're always portrayed as wise and also they probably smell less.

I think you're probably right.

It's not about the smell,

because many great quizzers are not fragrant,

but the owl, I feel,

is the one who would have the general knowledge.

The badger, it's more general wisdom, isn't it, advice?

Although both would be great at Triv, I feel confident.

Bonus to you, Scribes, and a chance to choose your own question.

-Let's go for Eye of Horus, please.

-Why not go for that?

What is the connection here? Time starts now.

One minute.

INDISTINCT CHAT The break in between?

Next, please.

THEY MUTTER

You can't have penalty of 10cm.

It's something... Next, please.

Ah. Yes. Is it the extra amount

when a man is doing it?

-I think it is.

-Yeah.

-Go for it.

BELL

We think this is the extra amount of time or distance or weight

that's put on when a man is doing it,

as compared to when a woman is doing said Olympic event.

Right. The difference between men's and women's sport.

You didn't see "Lacrosse: -2 players". Men get fewer players.

Let me ask you this, Holly,

do you think that's fair that women's sports are easier,

that they have more players, or less time or less weight?

-Er, yes.

-I think so, too.

Some people say it's sexist.

I think in women's sports there should be armchairs provided

and cups of tea. I think that should happen in all sport.

It's not a gender issue.

Ciphers, which would you like?

Twisted Flax, please.

The Twisted Flax.

What is the connection here? Time starts now.

Um...

Next, please.

Pretentious pose?

-It's "prose".

-Pretentious prose.

Next, please.

Heliotrope. INDISTINCT CHAT

-Kaleidoscope, I think. Light.

-Next, please.

Ten seconds.

Stained? They were stained when they did it.

Stained. Stained? Yeah. BELL

They're all stained?

I'm afraid they are not all stained.

I think you'd have a problem with the second clue to get that.

Scribes, a bonus chance?

We think it is the colour purple.

All of those are purple in some sense.

It is purple. You were thinking of the Iraqi voters' fingers.

They were stained with purple

to prevent double voting.

A heliotrope is a purple flower, pretentious prose,

described as purple prose, and the curtains in The Raven are purple.

Not quite, I'm afraid. All right, Scribes.

There's one question remaining. The Two Reeds.

-JINGLE

-A-ha. You might have been expecting that sound,

because we haven't had a music question yet. This is it.

What's the connection? First clue coming in...

now.

# I ain't happy... #

Gorillaz, and it's "Clint Eastwood". Next, please.

# Once, I had a husband

# You know the sort of chap

# I met him at a dance... #

It could be...

It's probably going to be animals or actors.

Shall I go to the next one?

Next, please.

# Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh... #

Barbra Streisand.

So it's... Or named after famous people. Yeah.

BELL

Named after famous people and if you want more specifics, probably actors.

I'm delighted with the extra specifics. They are songs

named after actors. What did you hear?

Clint Eastwood, Barbra Streisand.

-The second one was?

-I'm not sure.

Have a guess.

It certainly wasn't Grace Kelly, but maybe that's the fourth to come.

Grace Kelly would have been the fourth one.

Marilyn Monroe was the second, so very well done to you.

That means at the end of Round One, the Ciphers have yet to score,

the Scribes have got nine points.

On to Round Two. I feel confident you're going to catch up, Ciphers.

I want to know what is the fourth in a sequence.

There are four clues, but you can only see three of them. before giving me an answer.

Which hieroglyph would you like to start with?

-Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

INDISTINCT WHISPERING

Next, please.

Hallowe'en.

31st?

It's going to be All Souls or All Saints. Which is first?

-The last day of September, or something.

-No. Next, please.

Yeah. BELL

All Souls' Day.

Your zero points have curved nicely into a two.

It is All Souls' Day

and it's 30th October to 2nd November, going forwards.

Well done. Excellent.

Scribes, your turn.

-Let's go for Twisted Flax, please.

-Twisted Flax.

What's the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Skiddaw.

It rings a bell.

But I can't think what... Next, please.

Are these the highest peaks in the Peak District or

in, in fact, in England possibly.

-Such a Welsh sounding word.

-No. Helvellyn is in the Peak...

Next, please.

Oh, OK. Ooh, that's annoying.

Is it the UK, then?

-No.

-Pike in the word?

No, that wouldn't be a sequence.

-Ten seconds.

-We might have to go for Snowdon.

-I'm not quite sure.

-Yeah.

Three seconds.

BELL

-Snowdon.

-I'm afraid that's not the answer.

I can tell from the tone of your voice you didn't think it was.

Ciphers, do you want to go for a bonus?

-Ben Nevis?

-That's not it, either.

Ben Nevis and Snowdon are the others

in the National Three Peaks Challenge.

What you want is the third,

Scafell Pike.

These are the highest mountains in England in ascending order

and higher than Sca Fell, Scafell Pike.

-To you, Ciphers, to choose a hieroglyph.

-Eye of Horus, please.

The Eye of Horus.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

THEY WHISPER

Next, please.

-Chess.

-White goes first.

-Um...

-Is it a start of a sequence?

It's not a sequence, is it? Number of squares on a board?

Er...

Next, please.

Um, beehive has a queen. Chess has two queens.

Three queens, monarchs of the UK. Something with four queens.

What's got four queens?

Ten seconds.

Two games of chess.

BELL

We want something with four queens,

-so a simultaneous game of chess with two boards.

-Goodness me!

That's very complicated. I'd have said a pack of cards.

But you're right, something with four queens.

A beehive has one queen, a game of chess has two queens,

unless you're playing several on a lot of boards.

Do you often do that?

You get games where a grandmaster will

play a whole school at once and have 200 boards,

he'll walk along and make a move.

In that case, it's a far simpler idea than a pack of cards(!)

Monarchs of the UK. Three queens. Why not Elizabeth I?

Why doesn't she count?

She was not a monarch of the UK.

Yeah, she was monarch of England only.

Because there wasn't a UK.

It wasn't formed until the reign of Queen Anne.

So Anne, Victoria and Elizabeth II,

her Majesty would be. Monarchs of the UK, three queens.

Well done for the points. Scribes, what would you like?

-Let's try Water, please.

-OK.

What's the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Treaties. THEY WHISPER

-The most recent.

-Is it?

Let's go for the next one. Next, please.

Is that still correct? I don't think that is a treaty.

I think it might be.

Er, next, please.

Are you still happy with that?

These aren't all treaties, maybe.

Going backwards?

-Treaty of Reims? Or Rome?

-Versailles, or something?

-Rome?

The first European ones.

Are you happier with that, than going forwards?

Yeah, yeah, I am. It's not going forwards.

-Yeah.

-Five seconds.

-BELL

-Rome.

-Not the answer.

It's a bonus chance to you now, Ciphers.

-Erm...

-Versailles.

-Versailles?

That's not it, either. Why did you say Rome?

We were thinking it was treaties but going backwards in time.

Ah.

They are major EU treaties but they're going forwards in time

and next after Nice would be Lisbon.

So close but no treaty. Back to you, Ciphers, to choose a question.

What will it be?

-Lion, please.

-Lion. OK.

What's the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

THEY WHISPER

Next, please.

Characters?

Are they from...?

I think you're right.

But what's the sequence?

Spanish?

Next, please.

Oh, it's leaders of the IMF.

I don't know who the leader of the IMF is.

-Um...

-I should.

-Ten seconds.

-I don't know his name.

THEY WHISPER

I think he's French.

-You've got three seconds.

-BELL

Er, Louis Le Bleu!

SHE LAUGHS

Funnily enough, that's not the answer(!) Scribes?

-Do you know what it is?

-Is it Christine Lagarde?

-It is Christine Lagarde and why is that?

-Heads of the IMF.

Yeah. Heads of the IMF.

We did initially think that Rodrigo Rato was Roland Rat in Spanish!

-We've since changed our mind.

-You are right with what you said first.

They are managing directors of the International Monetary Fund

and after the controversial Dominique Strauss-Kahn,

Christine Lagarde. Well done for the bonus point.

And you get a question of your own. It will be the Two Reeds.

They're picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here's the first.

-Indira Gandhi.

-That's Indira Gandhi, is it?

Next, please.

-Golda Meir.

-Golda Meir.

Is this...? It could end in Thatcher.

Sort of leaders of... female leaders of countries in order

of the next one. I'd better go for the next one. Next, please.

Is that Bandaranaike? No.

Who is that?

-OK.

-Ten seconds.

I should probably go for Thatcher,

based on her being an extremely famous female.

Three seconds.

BELL

Margaret Thatcher?

Margaret Thatcher is the answer. Tell me your thinking.

It wasn't particularly good thinking, in all honesty.

We recognised a variety of female leaders of countries

and we were wondering about a particular order,

but we hadn't worked out the order. Indira Gandhi is first,

then Golda Meir. We're not sure who that is.

Ellen Johnson Surlief? Um...

No, the third is Elisabeth Domitien of Central African Republic.

They are female prime ministers in chronological order

going forwards and I think you mentioned

Bandaranaike about that third picture.

The first female prime minister of Ceylon,

these are second to fifth forwards,

but you get the points for saying Margaret Thatcher. Well done.

The scores at the end of Round Two.

The Ciphers up to four points but the Scribes are ahead with 12.

Time now for the joys of the Connecting Wall

and if the programme just isn't interesting enough for you,

why don't you watch something else?

Or play along at the same time as the teams on our website.

That'll make it much more exciting.

Scribes, your turn to go first and you have the choice, Lion or Water?

-Lion, please.

-OK, the Lion Wall.

You've got two and a half minutes to solve it starting now.

Parts of a pig.

-Not that I know the other...

-Lights.

Bunk, tripe and nonsense. These all mean the same thing.

As does cobblers and rot, so maybe leave that for now.

Blank, free.

Free verse, blank verse?

Er, nonsense verse. Narrative verse?

So that takes one of the nonsenses out,

so maybe I should go for rot, bunk, tripe, bilge

and cobblers is the other one in there.

So...

if I just try this for a bit.

-So now we've got the bits of the...

-I think lights are part of a pig.

Chitterlings, lights, brawn and tripe. Or liver.

-Blackpool, Pontypool, Welshpool, Liverpool?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

So we're happy with that.

These are parts of a pig and those are followed by "pool".

They are also geographical.

That was quick! You solved the wall.

Very well done. Four points immediately

for finding groups. Let's talk about the connections.

Narrative, free, nonsense, blank.

-Types of verse.

-Types of verse. That's all it is.

Rot, cobblers, bunk and bilge.

They're all things that you say when you don't believe someone.

I suppose so, yes.

They are synonyms for... I was going to say give me another word.

Nonsense, but it's there.

Nonsense'll do, rubbish, but they're synonyms for each other.

Chitterlings, brawn, tripe, lights.

-Offal.

-Parts of a pig for the explorative eater.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-They are offal.

All my brother's favourite things.

He'd have them for breakfast every day if he could.

-And the last one Liver, Welsh, Black, Ponty.

-Pools.

Followed by "pool" to make a geographical area or town.

That's exactly what it is.

Four points for the groups found. Four more for the connections.

A bonus of two for getting them all, that is a maximum ten. Very well done.

Time to bring back the Ciphers, see what they can do with the Connecting Wall.

They are going to get the Water Wall.

16 clues still need sorting along the same principles.

Hello, again, Ciphers, Water Wall for you.

You've got two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

-OK, steaks.

-Rump steak, chuck steak.

-Sirloin steak.

-Chop.

-Slap steak, perhaps?

Let's try a few.

Thin flank might be a steak.

I'll keep trying steaks. Look at other things.

Things you can have in the cupboard. broom, skeleton.

Ah, "Skelton", not "skeleton".

-That's Helen Skelton.

-They're British medal winners.

Skelton, Funnell.

-It's not Funnell, is it?

-Whitaker.

-Maher.

-And...?

I don't know. I'll try some more.

So Funnell gets narrower.

There we go, right they must be steaks.

Rump, chuck, sirloin.

Long steak? Or broom? Try a few more.

Thin flank must be a steak,

I think.

I think we've tried some of these already.

A group of people.

Drum.

-A clod of earth?

-A kick drum.

Slapstick?

A long shot, a slap shot

a chop shot.

Think flank. Have you done all the steak ones?

There are so many.

Yeah, we don't know which.

Convention, broom, chuck, barebones, long.

You're about halfway through the time.

Barebones argument. Barebones.

Barebones as in one word.

I don't what that is.

-Chop suey?

-A barebones sketch, or something.

Chopsticks.

Drumstick, chopsticks.

-Broomstick.

-Slapstick.

OK, so we've only got three left.

The steaks, potentially, are rump, chuck, sirloin and thin flank.

I've definitely done those.

Have we tried long steak?

-Yeah, we have.

-Barebones, convention.

-Clod.

A clod of earth.

Convention? By convention,

conventional argument, barebones argument.

Yep, types of argument. Long argument.

Clod argument. Rump argument.

-Rump is part of a...

-30 seconds.

If we have these four, we've still got some steaks.

Let's try those. No.

-Um.

-What about a clod steak?

-Instead of which one?

-Instead of chuck.

A rump argument?

Let's try a couple, because we've only got a few seconds left.

I would go for these three.

-Go on.

-Ten seconds and you've solved the wall!

Very well done. That was dramatic.

Just in the nick of time.

Four points, what about the connections?

Tell me about the blue group?

Skelton is a Blue Peter presenter I don't know if the other three are?

Yeah, Blue Peter presenters.

I'm afraid not. They are show jumpers.

Nick Skelton, Ben Maher, William Whitaker...

there's a whole Whitaker family show jumping. And William Funnell.

Show jumpers.

Slap, broom, chop, drum.

-Stick.

-You follow them by stick.

And the pink group - rump, convention, barebones, long.

-There are types of argument, aren't they?

-Let's go with

types of argument, or putting information forwards.

And would a rump argument be what follows

when a woman asks, "Does my bum look big in this?"

They're actually not. These are 17th-century parliaments.

Parliaments that came and went in the 17th century.

The Barebones Parliament and so on.

And the last one chuck, clod, thin flank, sirloin.

-Cuts of meat.

-They are cuts of beef. Clod, a shoulder cut.

That was the one you struggled with, the more obscure one. But well done.

That is four points for the groups, two points for the connections,

giving you a total of six. Let's see how that leaves the scores.

The Ciphers are up to ten but the Scribes are ahead with 22.

And if you'd like to play a Connecting Wall,

you can do so on our website, where you can even write your own.

We'll play the missing vowels round, you'll be glad to know.

The first group are all obscure lines from Harry Potter.

Of course they're not! I'm just very impressed with your skills. Go on, James,

how does it start?

"Mr and Mrs Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, were pleased to say

-"they were perfectly normal, thank you very much."

-Lovely.

-Are you a Harry Potter reader?

-No. It's spoiled it for me now!

-LAUGHTER

-OK.

Round Four, the Missing Vowels round. Fingers on buzzers.

The first group are all bread products.

-Scribes.

-English muffin.

-Correct.

-Scribes.

-Focaccia.

-Correct.

-Scribes.

-Metzo?

-I'm afraid that's not right. You lose a point.

-Ciphers?

-Matzo.

-It's matzo. Next clue.

Ciphers. Too long I'm afraid. You must lose a point.

-Scribes?

-Irish soda bread.

-Yes, it is.

Next category...

-Scribes.

-Daughter-in-law.

-Correct.

-Ciphers.

-Great-grandfather.

-I'm afraid that's not it.

-Lose a point. Scribes?

-Great-great-grandfather.

-Yes it is.

Two "greats" in there. Next clue.

-Ciphers.

-First cousin twice removed.

-That's it. Next clue.

-Scribes.

-Half-sister.

-Correct.

Next category...

-Ciphers.

-Joe DiMaggio.

-Correct.

Scribes.

-Hank Aaron.

-Correct.

-Scribes.

-Mark McGower.

That's not it, lose a point.

Ciphers? Too long.

It's Mark McGwire. Next clue.

-Scribes.

-Yogi Berra.

-Yes it is.

Next category...

-Ciphers.

-Water Lilies.

-Correct.

-Scribes.

-Irises.

-Correct.

-Scribes.

-The Hibiscus Tree.

-Correct.

-Ciphers.

-Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose.

-Correct.

Next category...

-Scribes.

-Kingsley Amis.

-Correct.

END-OF-ROUND JINGLE

That last clue was Alan Sillitoe,

who wrote The Loneliness Of The Long Distance Runner,

but that is the end of the quiz and after a bit of a nail-biting

Round Four, the Ciphers up to 13 points, but the winners

with 31 are the Scribes.

Very well done, you're through to the quarter-finals.

Ciphers, sorry to lose you, you've been a lovely team

and displayed all sorts of excellent outside skills

that we always love to see.

But it's goodbye for now.

Thank you for watching and we go our separate ways once again.

But, as in any complicated relationship,

I'm confident we'll be back together soon enough

for another half-hour of awkward fun,

which leaves one side smug and satisfied,

the other empty and regretful.

Until that dubious reunion, goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd