Celts v Festival Fans Only Connect

Hello, and welcome to Only Connect,

the quiz so hard it's possible to lose

even if your opponents forget to show up.

Tonight, the pressure is intense, the tension's unbearable

and everyone's desperate to win.

I'm sorry...I seem to be reading a script from the X Factor.

But it is a big deal, because this is the semifinal.

We're quizzing for a place in the final

and if you didn't grasp that from the word "semifinal",

you're really in for a tough half-hour.

Our semifinalists are...

On my right, Ed Dovey,

a charity support worker and accomplished illustrator

who's designed a box for a King Arthur themed board game.

Stewart McCartney,

who used to work in a biscuit factory

and once spent the night locked in a wardrobe.

And their captain, Marianne Fairthorne,

a software developer who enjoys building stone circles

and drawing monsters.

United by a love of music and mud,

they are the Festival Fans.

Marianne, you lost your first heat, won your second,

had a tie-break in the third. What can we expect from you today?

Hopefully, something less stressful than last time!

Good luck tonight.

Your opponents are, on my left,

Beverley Downes,

a Cardiff City supporter and fluent Welsh speaker,

who spent a year learning to bake different kinds of bread.

David Pritchard, a civil servant

who has competed in international debating competitions

and was once hugged by James Callaghan.

And their captain, Huw Pritchard,

a national Eisteddfod winner,

national poetry competition champion,

director of Bangor City Football Club

and proud owner of a whippet called Ted.

United by their patriotism,

they are the Celts.

Now, Huw, you've had a straight run of wins to get here.

You haven't dropped a game. How are you feeling about this match?

Well, we're on a good run at the moment,

and just hope it continues.

Looking forward to it, really.

Let's get on with the semifinal.

Round One is how we're going to begin.

What's the connection between four apparently random clues?

Festival Fans, you won the toss,

but you've chosen to put the Celts in first.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Two Reeds.

-Two Reeds.

What is the connection between these pictorial clues?

Here's the first.

THEY CONFER

Next.

I think it could be impossible machines.

Oh, OK.

-Shall we say next?

-Yes.

Next.

-Yeah, I think...

-Shall we go? What do you say?

A perpetual motion machine.

BELL

Perpetual motion machines.

They are designed for perpetual motion machines.

There's the last one.

Can you see how any of them work, these machines here?

The first one's along the idea of a flow...

When you take a liquid through a pump,

you siphon, and it'll theoretically go round and round and round,

though, theoretically, of course, it can't,

-as it's losing energy all the time.

-That's right.

The second one's got magnets in it, to sort of ramp with a magnet.

We've got a rotating cylinder,

and then there's an over-balanced wheel that's meant to keep turning.

None of them would remain in perpetual motion.

They're impossible machines.

Two points to you. Over to the Festival Fans to pick a question.

-Horned Viper, please.

-Horned Viper.

What's the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

US intervention in World War I...

There could be a lot of things this is. Next.

Cause of the Franco-Prussian War...

-Telegrams!

-Go on. Go for it.

BELL

Telegrams.

Coming in after two clues,

I'm going to give you three points. The connection is telegrams.

Here are the other clues. What can you tell me about them?

-The US intervention... What that the...?

-The Zimmermann note.

-That's right.

-I don't know the cause of the Franco-Prussian War.

-It was telegrams.

-Crippen was aboard ship

and they sent a telegram to the ship

and arrested him and brought him back to the UK.

The captain of the ship recognised him

and telegraphed the police, who were waiting.

And obviously, the centenarian one

is you got a telegram from the Queen.

But obviously, nowadays, we don't really do telegrams.

No, I think the Queen sends a text message.

"That's gr8," writes the Queen,

with 8 where the "eat" should be.

That's right. The first two, military ones.

All associated by telegram.

Well done.

Higher scores than I was expecting for this difficult round.

Let's see how we continue.

Back to you Celts for a question.

Lion, please.

BELL

Music is coming your way.

What's the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

# It's your freshman year

# And you're gonna be here for the next four years... #

Next.

# I'm so hot and bothered

# That I don't know

# My elbow from my ear... #

THEY CONFER

Next.

# I'm not bragging, babe So don't put me down... #

It's the Beach Boys. It's Little Deuce Coupe.

# When something comes up to me... #

Next.

# Only then

# I knew my heart was free... #

-Oh, crumbs!

-Three seconds.

BELL

Newspapers?

I don't know!

It's to do with cars.

No, it is not to do with cars.

They're not all connected with that.

So, Festival Fans, you've got a bonus chance.

We'll try places in Wales.

No, I don't think any of them is a place in Wales.

-We might have...

-He thought it might be Help Me, Rhonda, one of them.

So we thought...

No, the Beach Boys one is the one your opponents recognised

as Little Deuce Coupe, which is why I think you went for cars.

It wasn't newspapers either, by the way.

You heard, by Taylor Swift, 15.

By Ella Fitzgerald, You Took Advantage Of Me.

Then we had Little Deuce Coupe

and the last one, Only Love.

Tennis scores are hidden there.

Festival Fans, you don't get the bonus point,

-but you do get the chance to choose a question.

-Eye of Horus, please.

OK. What's the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Do we know anything about those? I think we should take next.

Next.

I think we should go next. Next.

-Pret A Manger?

-No, there is one called Eat.

-No, because...

I don't know anything about Eat.

Next.

Bench clothing label...

-Three seconds.

-BELL

Oh, big.

Not the answer, I'm afraid,

as I think you know.

Celts, can you get a bonus here?

Do they have an exclamation mark at the end of them, or something?

Have another go.

Right... Thank you!

They have...

-a symbol of some sort.

-A punctuation mark at the end.

Yes, they do. They have a full stop. Not an exclamation mark,

but I will take punctuation.

They all have a superfluous full stop -

a bit of punctuation they really don't need.

On the front of the Pet Shop Boys' Behaviour album,

they've got a full stop. You'll see that as well in the logo

of Eat and Bench, and Fun, the indie pop group

with which I'm not familiar, style themselves with a full stop.

So, yes, extraneous punctuation for the point.

And Celts, you may now choose your own question.

-Twisted Flax, please.

-Twisted Flax.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Next.

Oh, I think these, um...

-Go for one more.

-Next.

-Next.

-Next again.

Oh, I...I...

This is the alternative Nobel prizes, I think.

-Research into these.

-OK.

BELL

These were... It's the alternative Nobel Prize

for the most strange, odd, off-the-wall

scientific research of the year.

That's absolutely right. It's known as the Ig Nobel Prize.

Yes, it's a prize given for odder forms of research.

Yes, the 2000 Ig Nobel Prize for Physics

went to some people that were levitating a frog.

How swearing relives pain - that got the Peace Prize.

Apparently it does.

Anyone want to have a go at telling me the odds

that Gorbachev was the Antichrist?

No!

It's 710,609,175,188,028,000 to one.

Alternative Nobel Prizes. Ig Nobel Prizes. Well done, Celts.

And back to you, Festival Fans, for the last question,

Water.

What is the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Next. That could be a lot of things.

Did they give everybody a free pardon?

I think there's been an amnesty.

-Go for the next one.

-Next.

So...

That's a big prize, isn't it?

I think we should go next.

Yeah. Yeah. Next.

That's the Basketball Association.

Three seconds.

BELL

It's all done by draft.

Something done by... It's a lottery.

Well, now,

you were scrabbling around in the area,

but the word I heard from your captain was lottery,

which is the connection.

Yes, allocated via lotteries.

On the Green Card system,

50,000 Green Cards a year given out by lottery.

Vietnam - do you know anything about that?

Basically, you drew lots, and if you were picked,

you went to Vietnam.

They did it with people's birthdays.

And the order in which they'd go

went by pulling birthdays out of some sort of hat,

and that third one

is a record-breaking Euro-Millions jackpot.

I think that's why I got there.

That's it. The NBA draft. Done by lotteries.

Well done. At the end of Round One,

the Festival Fans got four points.

The Celts also have four points.

Round Two is the sequences round.

There are still four clues,

but the teams may see a maximum of three of them,

because I want to know what's fourth.

They must work it out sequentially.

Celts, you'll be going first again.

Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Two Reeds, please.

-Two Reeds. OK.

These are going to be pictures.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here's the first.

That looks like a Microsoft E...

Next.

It's a trill.

And it's a C.

-Next?

-Next.

It's Crimewatch.

Is it? Is it Crimewatch?

What's an E with a cross on it?

-Next.

-No, you can't.

-Oh, sorry!

-That's the question, I'm afraid.

-Three seconds.

-BELL

-The letter A.

-I'm afraid that's not the answer,

so there's a bonus chance for the Festival Fans.

Er...a drill.

I'm afraid that's not it, but you're a lot closer.

What's your thinking?

Well, we thought trill and then maybe bill,

so we think maybe ending in "ill" is something to do with it.

Oh, and you're a mathematician!

We're dividing by 1,000.

That's quadrille paper, for a quadrillion.

-A trillion.

-Oh!

It is The Bill - billion.

Dividing by 1,000 again - a mill.

We went with a pepper mill.

It's the powers of 1,000 and we're going backwards -

quadrillion, trillion, billion, million.

Festival Fans, what question would you like?

-Twisted Flax, please.

-Twisted Flax.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Do you know...?

-Shall we say next?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Next, please.

It's 100 days.

-You sure?

-Yes, but what's the third one?

What's the sequence?

-The something-day marriage...

-It's ten days.

It's 100... No, it's one day.

It's 1,000 days, 100 days,

ten days...it'll be one day.

Are we happy it's one day?

BELL

Something that lasted for a day.

Like a day.

Like a day?! You can do better than that. What lasts a day?

Christmas Day?

That'll do. I'm going to give you three points

for coming after two clues.

We are looking at things that lasted 1,000 days,

100 days, then ten days, then one.

This time, we're dividing by ten.

The David Nicholls novel, One Day.

Very well done. Three points to you and we're going back to the Celts

to pick a question.

-Lion, please.

-Lion.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Oh, are they the humours?

-Do you know the order?

-No.

-Go for the next one.

-Next.

Ah.

-Is it something to do with music?

-I don't know.

Go next. Next.

Oh, gosh!

Oh, it's John Masefield.

-It's a poet.

-Poet Laureate?

Three seconds.

BELL

Waste Land, I don't know.

Waste Land.

Not the answer, I'm afraid, so there's a bonus chance

for the Festival Fans.

Name a poem, somebody!

A poem.

Something...

I'm afraid you've already taken too long debating it.

Now, you, I heard during the debate mention Poets Laureate.

-Yeah.

-That is what it is.

Poems by successive Poets Laureate.

Melancholia by Robert Bridges.

Cargoes, I think you recognised - John Masefield.

-Where Are The War Poets?

-Is that C Day-Lewis?

Cecil Day-Lewis.

So we wanted to hear something by John Betjeman.

We went with Slough.

Had you shouted Summoned By Bells,

I might have said, "Can you be any more specific?"

Because, of course, we wanted a poem rather than a book.

The Licorice Fields At Pontefract.

That would have been lovely.

Imagine if you'd said it at the right moment.

Oh, it's like leaving a party!

Yes, poems by successive Poets Laureate.

Near, but not quite.

All right, Festival Fans,

-what would you like?

-Horned Viper, please.

The Horned Viper.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Let's go next.

Sounds like... Is it something to do with golf? I don't know.

Shall we go next?

Next.

Oh, oh, oh, it's poker.

Because it could be... I think it's a succession of numbers,

so it could be a succession of four numbers, maybe.

-Hit the button.

-Three seconds.

BELL

Um...

-So...

-I do need an answer.

Four, five, six, seven. I don't know!

-Eight.

-It's not four, five, six, seven or eight,

so I'm going to throw it over to the Celts for a possible bonus.

We think it's the odds of getting something, so insight straight flush?

Have another go.

1: Inside straight flush.

That'll do. I'll absolutely take it.

It's not exactly the odds - it's the number of outs you have.

-Right, OK.

-So if you've got a particular hand,

you're trying to make another hand,

it's the number of cards available to make your hand.

So if you want an inside straight, there's four cards you can hit.

Three if you want to pair an overcard,

two for either side of a straight flush

and an inside straight flush, there's only one card you can hit,

so one. We went with four of a kind. Inside straight flush will do.

So, well done, Celts, you get the bonus. Are you poker players?

Very mildly!

-How much money do you have with you?

-£2.25.

-That'll do.

Let's get to the end of this.

Your turn to choose a question.

-Water, please.

-Water.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Next.

GPRS is satellite.

-So it's a satellite system?

-Yes.

Oh, it might be something to do with the sequence of letters.

-Shall we go for the next one?

-Next.

-Next.

It's a mobile phone thing.

-3G?

-3G.

-2G?

3G.

-Shall we say that?

-Yeah.

BELL

3G.

Otherwise known as UMTS, the answer is 3G.

Very well done. And why is that?

It's something to do with mobile phone satellite signals.

It's data communications standards.

That's right. Technologies going forwards,

and after EDGE, 3G.

Well done.

Festival Fans, that leaves

the Eye of Horus for you.

What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

We'll need next, I think.

Next.

This could even be, like, songs or something,

by someone I've never heard of.

I think we should go next. Next.

Oh, is it nicknames for kings or something?

So it's someone the IV,

and I would think the name of a king.

Go for The Terrible.

IV: The Terrible.

BELL

IV: The Terrible?

That's right. What name are we looking for?

-Ivan.

-Ivan.

Ivan I was The Moneybag.

Ivan II was The Red. Ivan III was The Great.

Ivan IV was The Terrible.

Meaning, at the end of Round Two,

the Celts have got seven points.

The Festival Fans are ahead with nine.

Time for the Connecting Wall,

the 16 jumbled-up clues that need sorting into four groups of four.

Points for the groups and points for the connections are available.

Festival Fans, you'll be going first this time.

-Would you like Lion or Water?

-Lion, please.

You've got two and a half minutes to solve it.

Starting now.

Right, Caesars Palace, Black Jack - those are games, aren't they?

Vermont is the Green Mountain State.

Aintree's 40 fences. Christmas pudding...

Cos you've got things that are aniseed flavour too -

fennel, absinthe,

sambuca...

And maybe that's a sort of tea that could be aniseed-flavoured.

-BUZZ

-What's...?

Try that?

-BUZZ

-Or maybe even Vermont - I don't know what that is.

BUZZ

No. So...

Caesars Palace is a...casino. Monaco's got a casino.

So, Monaco, Caesars Palace...

Black Jack and...

-What?

-Oh, Paul Ricard is aniseed as well.

Go back to that.

So you think Paul Ricard, fennel,

absinthe, sambuca?

BUZZ

Is that a type of tea? I don't know.

So Christmas pudding...

Green eyes, jealousy.

Funeral pyre...

Green Mountain State is Vermont.

So, green... Jealousy for green.

That could be green tea.

Tea is green and absinthe's green.

BUZZ

So we've got three things that are green.

Anything else that strikes people that has anything to do with green?

Does that mean anything to people?

It doesn't mean anything to me.

Oh, God!

Black Jack, Caesars Palace...

Aintree's a horse course - 40 fences.

So, things that you burn are a guy,

you burn a pyre,

you burn a Christmas pudding. You set that on fire.

You set that on fire.

You set that on fire and you set sambuca on fire.

BUZZ

Oh! Um...

Let's keep going.

So we've got green things, things you set on fire,

aniseed flavours and gambling.

And we can't sort this out!

Christmas pudding...

Christmas pudding, sambuca,

and a pyre...

What else might we set on fire?

We've still got... What the hell is that?

What is Vermont doing here?

I don't know.

But you think that's green?

You've got 30 seconds.

Green fairy, green state...

green eyes of jealousy...

We tried this before

and I've no idea.

And the tea didn't work as the fourth,

so we'll go for something else.

That sounds a bit weak, but...

BUZZ

What the hell is Britt Reid doing as well?

Ten seconds.

Er....

BUZZ

It's a tough one.

That's it. The time's up and the wall's frozen.

What a nasty wall!

-Terrible!

-The other one's horrible as well, if it helps.

And you can still get points for the connections,

despite not finding the groups, so let's resolve the wall.

There we go.

Caesars Palace, Paul Ricard, Aintree, Monaco.

That's got to be casinos, hasn't it?

It's not casinos, I'm afraid.

They are locations for the Formula 1 Grand Prix.

-Of course!

-Grand Prix is what they are.

Now, the next group - jealousy, Britt Reid,

Vermont, absinthe.

We think green eyes of jealousy, absinthe is the green fairy,

so things with "green" in their nickname.

Britt Reid is the Green Hornet.

So that's right. Green is the connection.

What about the next one?

Guy, pyre, Christmas pudding and Chametz.

It's things you set on fire.

It is. That last one you didn't know,

that is something in the Passover ritual -

leavened food which is burned in advance of Passover

as part of the ceremony.

All things that can be set on fire.

That leaves Black Jack, fennel, Gunpowder Kali, sambuca.

I'm kicking myself for not seeing the aniseed sweet!

It's aniseed-flavoured things.

They are the things that are flavoured with aniseed.

So, no points for the groups, but you do get

three points for the connections.

Let's bring in the Celts

and see how they fare with a semifinal Connecting Wall.

16 new clues, of course,

equally fiendish,

still need solving. The Water wall, that is what remains for you.

Two and a half minutes to solve it.

Starting now.

Bombay Sapphire is gin, isn't it?

Gin - Hendricks.

Beefeater.

-Shall we have a try?

-Remember which one we're not doing.

BUZZ

So Cork Dry we missed, then?

-Is that right?

-Yeah.

BUZZ

OK, miss Tanqueray.

BUZZ

OK, miss Beefeater.

BUZZ

BUZZ

Penny Black is a stamp.

It is, yes.

Um...

Oh, hang on, we've got red coats.

Butlins, Chelsea Pensioner,

toastmaster... and master of foxhounds.

Which ones did we miss there?

The Beefeater...

-That's a gin.

-Yeah.

Um...

-This one?

-Yeah.

BUZZ

Is Citadelle a gin?

OK, what else have we got?

Brie is cheese.

Do you know what Tanqueray is?

It's a gin, yeah?

Oh, hang on.

These are people in...

Mad Men.

I'm sure.

BUZZ

No.

Jones, Hendricks...what else could be a name?

-Brie?

-Maybe.

Right.

Three strikes and you're out now.

What gin have we got now? Beefeater, Tanqueray, Cork Dry

and Bombay Sapphire.

These are all things that have been auctioned, I think.

-Right.

-So, Bombay Sapphire...

the Crimea medal, double florin and Penny Black?

So they're all probably gins, in that case.

Citadelle could be a gin.

That's it! You've solved the wall.

That's four points immediately,

and there are more points available for the connections.

Master of foxhounds, toastmaster,

Butlins employee, Chelsea Pensioner.

They wear red coats.

They traditionally wear red coats.

Brie, Moss, Jones, Hendricks.

I think they're actors in Mad Men.

I didn't think anyone would spot that.

They are the surnames of women who appear in Mad Men.

Next group - Penny Black, Bombay Sapphire,

double florin, Crimea medal.

I think this is something about them being auctioned.

They're the...

highest price for an auction?

No.

That's a very good guess.

I can absolutely see your thinking.

Not it, though.

They are things that carry portraits of Queen Victoria.

Of course, you can see why the Crimea medal and the double florin

and the Penny Black, because they date from that time.

And the Bombay Sapphire also does. Queen Victoria.

And the last one - Beefeater, Citadelle, Tanqueray,

Cork Dry.

-We believe they're brands of gin.

-They absolutely are.

Your problem there... I mean, it was like my bathroom cabinet at home.

So many gins, it was hard to choose.

So you get four points for finding the groups,

three more for the connections. That's a total of seven.

Let's see how that affects the scores going into the last round.

And if that made you want to play a Connecting Wall,

I think you're a masochist, but you can satisfy yourself

on our website,

where you can even write your own.

We, though, are going to decide who goes through to the final

with the Missing Vowels round.

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

The first group are all...

-Fans?

-Eastern Cape.

-Correct.

-Fans?

-Limpopo.

-Correct.

-Celts?

-Free State.

-Correct.

-Celts?

-Kwazulu-Natal.

-Correct.

Next category...

-Celts?

-Stoicism.

-Correct.

-Fans?

-Empiricism.

-Correct.

-Fans?

-Epicurism.

Not it, I'm afraid. Celts, do you know it?

-Epicureanism.

-That's it.

Next clue.

-Celts?

-Romanticism.

-Correct.

Next category...

-Celts?

-It's not you, it's me.

-Correct.

-Celts?

-We should see other people.

-Correct.

-Fans?

-I need some space.

Oh, it's all so familiar! Correct.

-Celts?

-Don't you love me any more?

I'm afraid that's not it. You lose a point. Fans, do you know it?

-I don't love you any more.

-That's it.

END OF ROUND JINGLE

That bell signals the end of the quiz.

And the results are...

The Festival Fans finish with 16 points.

But the winners, and through to the final

with 20 points, it's the Celts.

Oh, my God!

Goodness me! How those break-up phrases tripped off the tongue

for all of you.

But I'm afraid it's the Festival Fans...

It's not that I don't love you any more.

It's not even that I need space.

It's just how it works. It's the world, it's fate. I'm sorry.

We have to say goodbye.

Thank you for playing. You've been a brilliant team.

Celts, many congratulations. You're through to the final.

So we'll see you again.

Thank you for watching,

and if you find any of those questions incomprehensible,

don't worry.

Many of them are now part of a one-time pad code

whereby MI6 send messages

to agents in the field that have infiltrated Al-Qaeda.

Either that, or it's a normal question

that you're not smart enough to get.

Goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd