Francophiles v Festival Fans Only Connect

Hello and welcome to Only Connect,

the quiz that's like a gym for the mind.

Let me explain what I mean by that for all you hardcore quizzers out there.

A gym is sort of building full of sports equipment -

but don't switch off, I'm speaking metaphorically -

and our teams will face a series of heavy and exhausting questions,

with me as their personal trainer,

shouting encouragement and occasionally nipping off to the vending machine in the cafe.

The vending machine is literal, only it's not in the cafe, it's in my dressing room.

And it's not a vending machine, it's a varsity rowing team

holding its weight in pork scratchings.

I'm keen to get back there, so let's hurry up and meet the teams.

On my right, Ian Clark, a solicitor and keen world traveller,

who was once hit in the chest by a rice cake

thrown during a Japanese fertility festival,

Sam Goodyear, a history graduate who now works as a futures trader,

and played trumpet at Pete Postlethwaite's stag night,

and their captain, Mark Walton,

a sales manager and Sunderland FC supporter,

who enjoys volcano trekking and visiting the British Museum.

United by their love of all things French, they are the Francophiles.

-Mark, bienvenue a Only Connect.

-SHE SPEAKS FLUENT FRENCH

I don't actually speak French.

Oh, you don't! So your love of most things French...

-Most things French, yes.

-What else does your team bring to the table?

I think we've got a good range of experience and ages.

We cover a lot of bases,

from high-brow stuff to low-brow stuff, as well.

OK. That sounds perfect. You are meeting tonight, on my left,

Ed Dovey, a charity support worker

with an interest in military history and a passion for war games,

Stewart McCartney,

a media researcher, who is a member of the Campaign for Real Ale,

The National Autistic Society, the York City South,

the National Trust and The Dad's Army Appreciation Society,

and their captain, Marianne Fairthorne,

a mathematical software developer who enjoys boxing

and has a collection of over 50 hats.

Devoted attendees of music, literary and beer festivals, they are the Festival Fans.

Marianne, that's quite a team of polymaths you've got there.

-How have you been preparing?

-Mainly in the pub.

There's quite a lot of crossover between real ale-drinkers and quizzers.

What's your best area as a team?

Beer and maths.

A natural pairing!

Now, under our complicated new scoring system,

everyone gets at least two games

but the winners tonight are on a fast track to the semifinal,

the losers on a slower track.

Francophiles, you won the toss, you'll be going first.

Please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

-Lion.

-Kicking off with the lion.

What is the connection between four apparently random clues?

You may not need all four. Here's the first.

Hirst's 'Cupric Nitrate'. It's copper.

So Damien Hirst.

Next.

-Mr Tumble's bag.

-Mr Tumble's bag?

Copper nitrate's probably blue. Next?

Next.

Pudsey's bandage.

That's red and white. It's dotted.

Shall we go red and white, or next?

Next.

Twister mat. That's got spots.

-Coloured spots.

-That's what it is - multi-coloured spots.

The first clue - do you know what that is?

Oh, it's the dots! It's Hirst's spot painting, isn't it?

I've seen them.

It's one of the spot paintings. They have chemical-based names.

Mr Tumble's bag - do you know what that is?

-I'm not sure who Mr Tumble is.

-I'm not sure, either.

He's a character in a programme on CBeebies.

Pudsey's bandage has the spots and a Twister mat, of course.

Well done. That's 1 point to you. It's over to the Festival Fans.

-Can we have Eye of Horus, please?

-You absolutely may.

The music question straight away! Everyone always seems so pleased!

What is the connection between these clues?

BLUESY ROCK MUSIC

Do you know what it is?

-So, you know what it is?

-Yes.

-Next.

# Come on, baby, come on over

# Let me be the one to hold you...

# I'm the one who wants to Be with you #

-What was the first one again?

-Go for the third clue.

Next.

ELECTRO MUSIC This is Mr Oizo.

-They're all misters.

-It's...

-Press it.

Yes?

-They're all mister.

-The artists are all "Mr" something.

You didn't need to hear Broken Wings by Mr Mister.

You get 2 points. Well done.

Why did you look so miserable to get the music question?

-What sort of festivals are you going to?

-Ones with beer!

Which of those would you have heard live?

ALL TALK AT ONCE

The first two things were a bit slow for my taste.

As soon as I heard the dance music, I was right on it!

Well done, for two points.

Over to the Francophiles to pick a question.

-Horned Viper.

-The Horned Viper. What is the connection?

Here's your first clue.

Are those the Three Furies?

-The Muses?

-The Muses...

-No, the Muses...

-Next.

Those are the three little maids from school.

-It's groups of three women. Do the next one, just in case.

-Next.

-Three sisters.

-Groups of three women.

-Famous groups of three women?

-Have another go.

The three little maids from school and the three sisters so...

They're known as "the three" something.

I can't accept it.

I must show the fourth clue to the Festival Fans

for a possible bonus point.

-They are sisters.

-Yes, sisters.

They are trios of fictional sisters.

The problem with your answer - obviously they're groups of three women -

that third clue - it's three women's names,

those are the women from Chekhov's Three Sisters.

Who are the others? Do you know?

There's three little maids from the Mikado.

King Lear - Cordelia, Goneril and Regan.

-They're probably...

-The Three Fates.

-Fates or something.

-I think they're the Three Furies.

-It's The Three Graces.

Trios of fictional sisters.

You get the bonus point and your chance to pick a question.

-Can we have Two Reeds, please?

-You can. What is the connection?

Here's the first clue.

Wiccan initiation. That's to do with witchcraft, isn't it?

Yes, but it's a particular practice. Next.

-Assets becoming Long Term?

-Oh, God!

That's interesting. What word describes that?

I don't think we've got this. Shall we...?

Next, please.

Oh, it's an age. It's a particular...

-It's a number of years.

-Oh, it's an age, isn't it?

-14?

-How sure are you?

-Shall we go for the fourth one?

-OK.

Next.

Five seconds.

-Oh...

-Is it days?

-BELL

A year and a day.

That is absolutely the answer. A year and a day.

That seemed to come on like a light bulb.

I was hoping I was going to get it after I pressed the buzzer!

They all take at least a year and a day.

A wiccan initiation, I'm assuming if you go to festivals, you must've undergone several!

-Not that I remember, but...

-I still walk with a limp!

Back to you, Francophiles.

-Twisted Flax.

-The Twisted Flax. These are picture clues.

What is the connection between them? Here's the first.

-That's Lee Marvin.

-Liberty Valance.

-The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

-I think -

-Next.

Is that Liberty X?

-Liberty.

-That is the answer. Coming in after two clues, you get three points.

You did not need to see the shop Liberty

or the Liberty Bell, the symbol of US freedom.

Very well done to you.

Festival Fans, that leaves the Water question for you.

What is the connection? Here's the first clue.

Small one-horse carriage. It could be counties.

-I think we should go...

-Go for next.

-Next.

Anglo-Indian 'Very good'. That's pukka, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Small one-horse carriage could be hansom, pukka...

-Erm...

-I think we should go for next.

I want to go next. Next.

-That's the markka.

-So, things that end with double Ks?

-Got double Ks in them.

-BELL

Things with double Ks in them?

I'll accept it. It's actually "kka" at the end.

That first one - not a carriage you'd have come across in Jane Austen -

an Indian carriage, the ekka.

The last clue, you didn't need, a chukka.

The "kka" at the end of the word. Well done. Two points to you.

Meaning, at the end of Round One,

that the Francophiles have got 4 points

and the Festival Fans are ahead with 6.

Round Two is the Sequences Round. The teams must still work out the connection,

but they may not see four clues because I want to know the fourth in the sequence.

Francophiles, you'll be going first again.

-Which hieroglyph would you like?

-Eye of Horus.

The Eye of Horus. OK.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

It could be anything.

Next.

-The moon. Gibbous.

-Full. Half.

-Or is it quarter?

-Crescent...

-Shall we get the next one?

Next.

First quarter...

-I think it's half.

-Erm...

-I think it's half.

BELL Half?

I'm afraid that's not the answer.

There's a possible bonus chance for the Festival Fans.

-Full.

-OK.

-Full.

-That's not it, either.

I think both...

-Waning gibbous?

-You're getting close. It is just gibbous. They are phases of the moon.

But you sounded sure, so...!

And the three-quarter moon is the gibbous.

All of you kicking yourselves. Never mind.

You'll remember next time it comes out and the werewolves are howling.

Perhaps that's just in my garden.

-Festival Fans, your chance to pick a question.

-Horned Viper, please.

Horned Viper. What is the fourth in this sequence?

Here's the first.

Oh, yes! It's, erm, the members of, erm,

the Sugababes, but I don't know who the current ones are.

-Go for the next one.

-Is it even going to help?

-No.

-Say next.

-Next.

Heidi Range... I just don't know who the last member is.

-Go for the next one.

-Next.

I think the originals have reformed.

-So -

-Press the button.

-BELL

So we want the same as...

-Donaghy, Buena and Buchanan.

-Not the answer, I'm afraid.

There's a bonus chance for you, Francophiles.

Er...

Donaghy, Buena, Range.

That's not it, either.

I'm staring at my screen because I'm so far out of my comfort zone, I'd need binoculars to see it.

You know these are successive line-ups of the Sugababes,

a pop group, in chronological order,

and the answer should be Range, Berrabah, Ewen.

They've been joined by Jade Ewen.

I know the band but I don't know the members.

-Have you seen them at any festivals?

-No.

What are these festivals? It's just you drinking beer alone in the garden, isn't it?

Absolutely.

-Your turn, then, Francophiles, to choose a question.

-Twisted Flax.

The Twisted Flax. What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

3125...

-Is that the perfect number?

-I don't know.

Next.

That's 16... 16 squared.

So...

So, what's the next one? Is it 25 squared?

So four...

-It's going to be one.

-Shall we go next?

It's going to be one, isn't it? Next.

That's three so it's going to be 2 times 2 times 2, which is 8.

-That's 4 times 4 times 4.

-So it's 2 times 2 times 2.

Say 4. 4.

-8.

-I'm afraid that's not the answer.

There's a possible bonus chance for the Festival Fans.

-4.

-The answer is 4,

as I think you knew, Sam, didn't you?

It's 5 times 5 times 5.

-It's 5 to the 5, 4 to the 4, 3 to the 3...

-Ah, 2 to the 2!

That's it. It's numbers to the power of themselves.

When you said 16 squared, it's back one step,

4 to the power of itself and 2 to the power of itself would be 4.

You get the bonus point, Festival Fans, and the chance to pick a question.

-Let's have Lion.

-Go with Lion.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Lanzarote.

-Islands.

-Are they increasing in order in their island group?

-It's in the Canaries.

-Shall we try the next one?

Let's have the next one.

Gran Canaria. Is it in decreasing size?

Is Lanzarote the biggest?

I don't know. Do you want the next one?

Next.

-Fuerteventura.

-Tenerife?

-Tenerife, yes.

-Is it?

-Yes.

-OK. BELL

-We'll try Tenerife.

-That is the answer.

-Why is it the answer?

-Canary Islands.

-In order of...?

-Size, going...

-..upwards.

-They're getting bigger.

Tenerife would be the largest Canary Island by size. Well done.

Back to you, Francophiles.

-Two Reeds.

-Two Reeds.

What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Candidate Master.

-Oh, it's chess.

-Chess.

I don't know what the number is for Grand Master.

-It's not going to help, is it?

-Next.

-FIDE Master.

-I think 2,500 - Grand Master.

-Yes.

BELL 2,500 - Grand Master.

Well deduced. After two clues, you get three points.

They are the FIDE rankings in chess, with the minimum rating to get that,

and it'd be 2,500 for Grand Master. Well done.

Festival Fans, you have Water again.

Left till last for a second time. Almost suspicious.

You might guess that these are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here's the first.

Obviously somebody with big ears, isn't it?

It could be Dwarves in terms of the order of alphabetic...

-Go for the next one.

-Next.

What's that?

-I don't get that one.

-Next?

-Next?

-Go for the next.

Next.

Big hands.

-Big ears.

-Distortions, aren't they?

-So...

Big ears, big eye, big hands.

HE MUMBLES

-Click it, click it, click it.

-Three seconds.

Marianne, you must speak.

-Feet.

-Feet? Big feet?

That is not the answer. Francophiles, the chance of a bonus.

-Big teeth?

-That is what I'm looking for.

THEY GROAN

That's such a quiz noise, the sound of three people going "Oh!" all at once.

-Why is it big teeth?

-Little Red Riding Hood.

That is it.

It is what the suspicious Little Red Riding Hood is saying to the hairy grandma,

"What big ears, big eyes, big hands, what big teeth you have"

because Grandma is in fact a wolf.

At the end of Round Two, then, the Francophiles are up to 8 points

but the Festival Fans are ahead with 9.

Time for the Connecting Wall.

Still groups of four clues, but this time there are four groups.

16 clues in total, all jumbled up, only one perfect solution.

Festival Fans, you will be going first this time.

-You have the choice - Lion or Water.

-Can we have Lion, please?

-You can.

You've got two-and-a-half minutes to solve it,

starting now.

OK, Hocus Pocus.

-That's a computer game.

-So you want Angry Birds...

-That sounds like it could be a...

-A computer game.

Hocus Pocus and Shazam are what wizards say.

-They say Sim Sala Bim, as well.

-Yes.

-And Expelliarmus.

-So try...

-Sim Sala Bim, Hocus Pocus, Shazam and Expelliarmus.

-No. So, what's a fifth that we can...?

-Abracadabra.

-OK.

So let's leave out...

We've left out Abracadabra so now we'll leave out Shazam.

-Expelliarmus.

-Yes.

-Try Shazam.

-Yes.

-That's it.

So, Stella - does that means star?

Vine, Pandora, Pandora's Box, The Rose, Angry Birds...

Instagram. What's Instagram? That's to do with the internet.

-Does that word mean anything to anybody?

-No.

Let's try some computer games. So you've got Fruit Ninja...

-Pandora.

-Pandora, Angry Birds and...

-Try that one.

Try Hocus Pocus and Angry Birds. Fruit Ninja and Pandora.

No. OK.

Eve, Embla...

Are they words you can add things to because they look short?

-You mean

-"Emblam",

-Even?

-Yes.

-Stella because you can put an R on it,

you can put an M on that, you can put an N on that.

Is there anything else you can put?

-Vine?

-Try Vine, but I'm not convinced.

-No.

-Erm... What else is...?

-What's Beaches?

-Maybe even that, I don't know.

No. Erm...

Er, Stella, The Rose...

-Pandora and Eve are both creations.

-They are, aren't they?

-So, you think maybe that and then...?

-Embla?

-Yes.

-Remember, it's three strikes and you're out.

They're first women, I think.

-So The Rose is a song, Hocus Pocus is a song.

-Yes.

Beaches... Instagram...

Are these things you can do on the internet?

-Do you want to try this and what?

-Beaches.

No. Hocus Pocus, Angry Birds.

-Yes. Do you want that?

-Instagram, yes.

-No.

-You've got ten seconds for the last attempt.

-Keep bashing away, then.

-Erm...

-I've no idea.

-Vine, The Rose.

-No, we had that combination before.

-Quickly!

-That's all your attempts.

The wall has frozen, but you found two groups for two points.

Bonus points for the connections. What about that first group?

-Things wizards would say.

-When casting spells.

I didn't want to say them out loud. Heaven knows what might've happened in the studio.

Those are all magic expressions for wizards and magicians.

What about the next one - Eve, Izanami, Embla, Pandora?

First women?

Women in creations myths. Eve we know, of course.

-Izanami you didn't know?

-Probably the Japanese creation.

Yes, who was originally a goddess but also died, so yes.

-And Pandora -

-Is Embla Celtic?

-Norse mythology.

-Norse mythology.

Well done. You can still get points for the connections you didn't find.

Let's resolve the wall.

How about this - Beaches, Hocus Pocus, Stella, The Rose?

-Did you think those were songs?

-Hocus Pocus was and The Rose.

That's the only thing I can come up with.

Just a minute. Erm...

-Bette Midler.

-Bette Midler, yes.

-I have to ask for an answer.

-Bette Midler films.

-At the last minute!

-They are Bette Midler films.

-I should've got that.

It suddenly came to you. Are you a Bette Midler fan?

-She's quite good.

-You cried at Beaches, didn't you?

-I've cried at Love Actually so...

-We've all cried at Beaches.

Well done. You grabbed that out of the bag at the last minute.

Angry Birds, Vine, Instagram, Fruit Ninja?

-Stuff people play on their phones.

-Yes.

-Apps or something?

I'll accept apps. I don't think I could've taken games,

but apps...

Vine and Instagram are to do with taking pictures and sharing those,

but Fruit Ninja and Angry Birds are games. They are all apps.

Very well done. That's two points for the groups and four bonus points for the connections.

That is a total of 6 points.

It's time to say hello to the Francophiles,

but we'll say it in English so that they understand.

They get their own Connecting Wall. 16 fresh clues still need sorting into four groups of four.

Hello, Francophiles. You're going to get the Water Wall.

You've got two-and-a-half minutes to solve it,

starting now.

OK, erm...

-Phoenix, Thunderbird...

-Garuda...

-Phoenix.

-Which one?

-Or Harpy.

-Harpy.

Yes? Let's have a look at the others.

-Right, got that.

-So Rubber band, CD, Equus...

Equus is a...

Alec Baldwin, River or Joaquin Phoenix, Jeff Bridges - these are actors.

David Arquette.

What, specifically, connects them?

Let's leave that out. There's Wilson in there.

-Equus is a play by, erm...

-Shaffer.

-The others...

THEY MUMBLE

That's a missile, that's a missile, that's a missile.

Yes. Probably Phoenix.

-Phantom. So Phoenix... What else shall we say?

-Dignity.

No. Maybe Equus.

-Or maybe CDs.

-What's CDs and Rubber? Rubber band, CD...

-CD...

-CD drive.

-Are these people with famous brothers? Alec Baldwin and

-Eric.

-River Phoenix. Joaquin Phoenix. Jeff Bridges.

-Wilson?

-Shall we just try these?

-Yes.

Yes, let's...

Remember, it's three strikes and you're out.

So, erm, Bridges...

Phantom of the Opera.

Calories... Energy. Calories...

Calorie counter. You get a CD counter.

Rubber... Rubber band.

Bridges. Interceptor. Shall we try missiles again?

Interceptor, Phantom and then two other missiles.

It's not going to be calories.

-Phantom...

-Why don't you take those out again?

There's something maybe... You can lose calories,

you can wipe a CD, you can...

-Mm.

-Rubber, Bridges...

You can lose your dignity! Erm...

-30 seconds.

-Shall we start pressing?

Equus and Dignity?

OK.

You've solved the wall, possibly by accident.

-No, no, no!

-Let's find out. Four points for those groups. What about the connections?

Garuda, Roc, Harpy, Thunderbird?

-They're all mythical birds.

-They're mythical winged creatures.

The Garuda, from Buddhist myth, the Persian bird of prey is the Roc

and the Thunderbird is a Native American creature, so-called because...?

-I don't know.

-Its wings caused thunder.

They didn't but they were believed to.

The next group - Wilson, Phoenix, Arquette, Baldwin.

-Acting siblings.

-Famous actors with brothers who also act.

That's it. Sets of acting siblings.

And the next one - Phantom, Interceptor, Dignity, Equus.

-Either plays or missiles.

-Shall we say missiles?

Shall we say that?

Missiles.

They could be used as missiles, I suppose, but I can't accept it.

They are luxury cars.

-Ah!

-Yes. The Rolls-Royce Phantom,

the Jensen Interceptor and the Mitsubishi Dignity.

If you did lose sight of it, "Ooh, I've lost my Dignity!" you could tell the police.

And the Hyundai Equus cars.

The last group - Bridges, Calories, Rubber, CD.

Things that you count on? It's not, is it?

-I need an answer.

-Erm...

Things you can cross.

-No, that's too long.

-Things you can count.

Things you can count? I'm not sure you could count rubber.

Obviously, keen Only Connect fans would count their CDs before alphabetising them,

but no, you're going to kick yourselves.

-Things you can burn.

-THEY GROAN

Burn bridges, calories, rubber and burn a CD.

But you did get four points for the groups you found, plus two more connecting points.

That is a total of 6.

Let's see how that leaves the scores going into the Final Round.

The Francophiles have got 14 points,

the Festival Fans have got 15 points.

If you want to play Connecting Walls you'll find some on our website,

where you can also write your own.

We're going to play the Missing Vowels Round,

well-known names, phrases or sayings from which we've removed the vowels and spaced up the consonants.

What are those hidden clues? Fingers on buzzers, teams.

I'm going to tell you the connections up front.

The first group are all...

Fans?

-Banquette.

-Correct.

-Francophiles?

-Chaise Longue.

-Bien sur.

-Fans?

-Is it a "poofay" or however you say it?

-Pouffe.

-I'll accept. You got the vowels right.

Next clue.

Don't know this one? It's pillion. Next category...

-Francophiles.

-Martina Hingis.

-Correct.

-Fans?

-Amelie Mauresmo.

-Correct.

-Francophiles.

-Li Na.

-Correct.

-Francophiles?

-Laura Robson.

-Correct. Next category...

This one's...

Next clue.

Fans?

-London Underground Map.

-Correct.

-Francophiles.

-E-Type Jaguar.

-Correct.

Francophiles.

-Anglepoise Lamp.

-Correct.

Next category...

-Francophiles.

-Sister Act.

-Correct.

-Fans.

-Doubt.

-Correct.

-Francophiles.

-Agnes of God.

-Correct.

-Francophiles.

-The Sound of Music. END-OF-QUIZ JINGLE

Getting those words in just as the buzzer goes off.

Meaning, at the end of the quiz,

the Festival Fans have got 20 points,

but in a last-minute turnaround, with 23 points,

it's the Francophiles.

Very well done. You are through.

But in our complicated new format, Festival Fans, well done, you are through!

It's just a slightly longer route to the semifinal.

Nobody's leaving. Nobody's going home. Nobody's going anywhere.

These days, Only Connect really is like a gym.

Once they've joined, they can't unjoin.

And that applies to you, too. Oh, yes.

Your involvement with us can't be cancelled.

Look at the small print. You're with us forever.

Goodbye.

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