Pilots v Globetrotters Only Connect

Welcome to hell.

Everyone here has done something very bad.

But enough about the rehearsal. This is Only Connect,

where the contestants are tortured not by flames and whips

but by their own synaptic limitations.

And then by flames and whips at the party afterwards.

I'm joined by two lovely teams who have already played once

and got unlucky, so this is literally the last chance saloon.

And if you think I don't mean that literally,

you haven't seen the bottles under my desk. Let's say hello again to,

on my right, Michael Reeve,

a business analyst with a PhD in evolutionary genetics

who appeared in the Olympics opening ceremony as an industrial worker.

Suda Perera, an award-winning egg-decorator

with an MA in post-war reconstruction and development

who enjoys blogging and playing the ukulele.

And their captain, Chris Clough a web production editor

with an interest in British birds who complies a weekly science quiz

for a nature website.

United by a talent for travel, they are the Globetrotters.

Welcome to Wales. How many countries has your team visited altogether?

We did a count and worked out it was something over 50,

although my two teammates account for the large majority of that.

Well, tonight you're going on a journey of the mind.

You will be encountering on that journey, on my left,

Simon Morgan, an airline pilot with a degree in aeronautical engineering

who enjoys collecting and fixing classic Land Rovers.

Neil Morgan, and electronic engineering graduate

and experimental home-brewer who has taught himself to speak Greek.

And their captain, Captain Paul Judge,

an airline pilot with a degree in aeronautics and astronautics

and a passion for singing karaoke.

United by a passion for planes, they are the Pilots.

So, Captain Paul, you lost to the Lasletts in your heat. What was that game like?

Well, I think we started off, using aviation parlance, if I may,

I think we took off fairly nicely,

got into the cruise, on autopilot,

then hit a little bit of turbulence in the last round, stalled and a bit of a bumpy landing

I love everything about that answer,

not least cos I thought, "Are you going to go for crash? Is he going to say crash?"

No, just bumpy landing. Bumpy landing. That's fine.

And what different tactics do you think you'll employ in this game?

We're going to go all out to try and win this time.

That's the spirit! Yes. Well, let's go all out to start the quiz with round one.

What's the connection between four apparently random clues?

Pilots, you won the toss, but you've decided to put the Globetrotters in first.

So, Chris, please choose an Egyptian hieroglyph.

We'll have Eye of Horus, please OK. What is the connection?

Colonial Goose. Anything?

THEY LAUGH

Oh, that's true. Yeah, it could be that. Next, please.

Scotch Woodcock. Oh, I've heard of that.

These are bad things for me. It's a type of dish, I think.

Erm... I think these are all things that aren't what they say they are.

Yeah, quite possibly. We'll go for next, then.

Biloxi Bacon. I think that's probably...

Do you want to see the last one to be sure? Why not? Next, please.

BELL

They are all food stuffs

that are something other than their name would suggest.

So Colonial Goose isn't a goose dish,

Rocky Mountain Oysters aren't oysters, and so on.

You should've come in early. Absolutely right for one point.

Colonial Goose, do you know what it is? No idea. Not got a clue.

Stuffed lamb leg is what it is.

Scotch Woodcock, scrambled eggs on toast with anchovies.

Mm! And scotch, I'm hoping. Certainly would be on my breakfast.

Biloxi Bacon, what do you think that is?

I don't know. I think I know what the oysters are.

I do, as well. Not sure about the bacon. Is it some vegetarian ..

Smoked mullet, of course. And you know the Rocky Mountain Oysters

Some sort of testicles. I think they're testicles.

Bull testicles or something? Buffalo testicles?

Yes, I think young bulls, it's been castrated

and this makes what some people consider a delicacy.

Put me right off my scotch. Well done for a point.

And it's your turn, Pilots, to choose a hieroglyph. Water again?

Yep. Water, please. OK. What's the connection between these clues?

Nimrod. Hunter. Could be an aircraft type.

Classical music? Could be.

Shall we go next? Next, please.

Bite yer legs. Hunter. Yeah.

BELL Hunter.

Coming in after two clues, you get three points.

The connection is hunter. Here are the clues you didn't need to see.

What can you tell me about them Nimrod was the mighty hunter.

That's right, in the Bible. Bite yer legs was Norman Hunter, I believe.

A Leeds United player? A footballer famed for his hard tackling.

Simon Wiesenthal was a Nazi hunter.

Mm-hm. And Orion was also a hunter. The hunter in the stars.

In Greek mythology. Absolutely right. Very well done indeed.

Back to you, Globetrotters, for a choice. We'll have the lion, please.

OK. What's the connection? Here's the first clue.

Right. Next.

Any idea? No.

Next.

Pi is... They're days that celebrate something.

Cos Pi Day is 3.14. Ah. So it's three. I see.

5-25?

I don't know what WiFi Day would be.

8-2. Is that something...

They're annual days. Next.

You talk like a pirate or something. So it's "May the 4th..." Yes

BELL Erm, they're all events based on ..

Something associated... Yeah, like Star Wars is May 4th

cos "May the 4th be with you." March 14th is 3.14, etc, is Pi.

So how would you define the connection? Erm...

The days that celebrate those events or things.

That's what it is. They are celebration days.

My screen says unofficial geek celebration days.

THEY LAUGH This is Only Connect.

That's the pot calling the kettle a geek.

Why are these celebration days? Why Towel Day?

That's Douglas Adams's birthday I guess.

It's to celebrate Douglas Adams who recommended carrying a towel

when you travel the universe. WiFi you don't know.

2-8-11 must be something.

It's going to be hard to spot because it's to do with

how the date would be written in American, 80211,

which is the international standard for WiFi, that's what that is

Pi obviously March 14th because it's to do with the numbers there.

And Star Wars, "May the 4th be with you."

So well done, you get another point there. Pilots, make a choice

Two reeds? Two reeds, please.

BELL Well, well, well.

You'll hear the clues. What's the connection? Here's the first.

# She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly

# Off the coast and I'm headed.. Next, please.

# If ya getting down, baby

# I want it now, baby

# Come and get it on, baby... Next, please.

# I'm feeling glad all over

# Yes, I'm-a glad all over

# Baby, I'm... Next, please.

# Take me by the tongue and I'll know you

That's Maroon Five. # Kiss me till you're drunk...

BELL Five.

The connection is five.

Who did you hear? The first one was 5ive, wasn't it?

Is it? The only last two I recognise was Maroon Five for the last one

and the one before that, the penultimate one, I suppose,

is Dave Clark Five. That's right.

My learned friend on the left here, who's the music buff,

seems to think... I think it was by the band 5ive

That was the second piece, by the band 5ive.

Did you recognise the first one over there? Ben Folds.

The Ben Folds Five. Exactly right. So you get a point, Pilots.

Globetrotters, back to you for a hieroglyphic choice. Twisted flax.

OK. What's the connection between these clues? Here's the first.

Sour tasting. Next.

Tray planted.

Seeds?

Next.

Oh! Oh, they're the names for, erm, Japanese words.

Kamikaze... Yeah.

BELL

They are the English translations of Japanese terms used in English.

Two points to you. Here's the last clue.

Can you tell me what any of them would be?

The first one is umami. It's actually sushi.

Oh, is it sushi? Yes. Divine wind is kamikaze. Yep.

Empty orchestra is karaoke. Mm-hm. Tray planted, I don't know. Bonsai?

Oh, bonsai. That is bonsai.

Would you have known that, Captain Paul?

Certainly the empty orchestra I would've known, yeah.

Yeah, I would've got those.

What's your favourite thing to sing?

I'd liked to say that my Billy Idol and George Michael are legendary

in my pub, but not necessarily in a good way.

That I would genuinely pay good money to hear.

It's actually on the internet if you want to find it.

Don't think I won't.

Well done, Globetrotters. And the final question, Pilots,

I suspect is going to be the picture question.

OK, horned viper, please. I think so indeed. Here's your first clue.

Who's that? Is that a young Michael... Martin Broderick?

Could be. Next, please.

Wallace and Gromit. Yeah. OK.

Next, please.

You've got Wallace and Gromit..

Er, next, please.

Clay pigeon shooting. Clays?

Plasticine... Clay court, clay plasticine.

BELL Clay.

The connection is clay. You recognised clay pigeons

and a clay tennis court. Wallace and Gromit, obviously, made of clay.

What about that first clue? I'm afraid we don't know that one.

I think it's Clay Aiken, who won American Idol at some point.

That's right. You can just see the logo of American Idol

behind him. That is Clay Aiken.

Pilots, you get the point. Very good.

At the end of round one, the Globetrotters have got four points,

the Pilots are ahead with five.

Round two, the teams will remember, is about sequences.

I want to know what comes fourth. Globetrotters, you're first again.

What would you like? We'll have the lion, please.

OK. What would be the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Next.

Trey.

THEY WHISPER

Is it possibly... Five and four. .

Next.

Deuce. Oh! Oh, yeah, so it would be ace next, then?

Certainly deuce and trey are, like, card slang for two and three.

It's going down so I'll try ace Yeah.

BELL We'll try ace.

Ace is the answer. And why's that?

It's playing card nicknames, I guess.

Playing cards going down. So deuce is a two,

trey is a three, presumably cater is a four, I've never heard of that.

And ace... Yes, cater's a four. Used more often in dice than cards.

But it's numbers. They've come through Middle English

from Old French, so it's quatre trois, deux and ace.

It's playing cards or dice,

the numbers going down, and ace would be the number one. Well done.

Pilots, what would you like?

Stick to water. Water, please.

OK. What would be the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Er, next, please.

Oh, this is commands at Tower of London.

Halt! Who comes there? Friend or foe?

OK. Erm... I don't know how it finishes.

But basically, it's the changing of the keys.

So we need to know what the fourth thing is. Halt! Who comes there?

The keys. Shall we go next one? Next one. Next, please.

Whose keys? My keys. The Queen's keys.

Yeah. Yeah. BELL

The Queen's keys?

I'll accept it. At the moment, Queen Elizabeth's keys.

I think you know, this is the ceremony of the keys

at the Tower of London. It's an exchange between guards

Who comes there? The keys. Whose keys? Queen Elizabeth's keys.

It's definitely not at all silly. Definitely not at all.

Well done, Pilots. Back to you, Globetrotters, for a choice.

Eye of Horus, please. OK. What's the fourth in this sequence?

The smallest hardest crossword.

Oh, is that... What's that called?

Next.

Celebrity Squares board.

Is this... Ah. Are they things with increasing numbers of squares? Yeah.

Or even decreasing. No, cos Celebrity Squares board has nine.

And I think smallest hardest crossword is 2x2.

So I think it's going up. So that's 3x3.

So it's 4x4, 5x5.

Do you want to go next? Next.

Yeah. Oh, that's 2x2. So it's just a square of some sort.

Erm, yeah. BELL

Erm, a single square of some sort.

Erm... A square crisp. A square crisp, yeah.

Oh, yes. We've gone with the face of a cube,

but a simple square is absolutely right. And why is that?

It is decreasing. So the smallest hardest crossword is 4x4.

It is, in the Daily Mail. Ah, right.

Celebrity Squares is 3x3 and Battenberg is 2x2,

so the last one would just be 1x .

That's right, a very simple grid of 1x1.

I thought you'd be too young to remember Celebrity Squares.

It was Michael who knew it.

Older than I look. THEY LAUGH

I used to love that show. It was Bob Monkhouse

and they had celebrities. It was always Kenny Everett

and Suzanne Danielle, a funny guy and some sexy actress

you'd never heard of. Yeah.

Definitely time that came back. Pilots, which hieroglyph?

Twisted flax? Twisted flax, please.

OK. What would be the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Report stage. Could be anything, couldn't it?

Next, please.

Third reading. Reports...

OK. Report, third reading...

It being passed? An act being passed?

What are we going to say, an act being passed?

Report stage, third reading.

Pass in the end? Law?

Yeah. Passed into law.

BELL Passed into law.

Not it, I'm afraid. So I'm going to show the third in the sequence

to the Globetrotters. We think Royal Assent.

It is Royal Assent.

I think you knew this is the passing of a bill through parliament

It goes through various readings in both houses,

but once it's got to consideration of amendments, it's done both

and Royal Assent is what it needs before it can pass.

So well done, Globetrotters, for the bonus. What would you like?

We'll have two reeds, please.

OK. These are going to be picture clues.

What would you expect to see in the fourth picture? Here's the first.

Next, please.

Knees. Dirty knees.

Oh, is it...

Are they dirty knees? I don't know...

Shall we go next? Yeah. Yeah, next.

Chicks. Oh, it's legs 11.

So it's... A pair of pants must be...

Cos legs 11, two fat ladies... Er, two ducks is 22.

So it's whatever 33 is. OK, so, erm...

I don't know what. Yeah. BELL

Erm, we think it's bingo slang for 33.

Not the answer, I'm afraid. Possible bonus chance for the Pilots

For the first one... We'll go for, erm... Legs 11?

I need an answer. Legs. A pair of legs.

It is legs 11!

Where you got confused over there, Globetrotters,

is that that second one is dirty knees for 33.

33. And I was tempted to think about whether you could have it for legs,

but the first one wouldn't fit. That first one... I was too distracted

thinking, "How did they get into my own photo album?" It represents

droopy drawers, 44. Right.

So we're coming downwards. Dirty knees, 33, two little ducks, 22

and then next would be a pair of legs for legs 11 in bingo.

Your turn, Pilots, for the final question, the horned viper.

Left till last again. Why does nobody like this one?

That's for you. What is the fourth in this sequence? Here's the first.

Turkana. Ring any bells?

Next, please.

Malawi.

Countries that have...

..gained independence?

It's a sequence. Malawi's quite an old...

Yeah. Shall we go next? Next, please.

Tanganyika. Are they landlocked

Yeah, but there's a sequence, isn't there? That's the thing.

So Turkana, Malawi, Tanganyika..

Somewhere like Ghana, it's gained independence.

BELL Ghana.

Not the answer, I'm afraid. A bonus chance for you, Globetrotters

Victoria? Yes? THEY LAUGH

The answer is Victoria. The answer is Victoria, absolutely right. Why?

It's the African great lakes in order of increasing size.

That is it. Africa's largest natural lakes in increasing order of size.

If you had to, Pilots, if you had to,

do you think you could land a jumbo jet on one of those?

Erm, if we had to.

If we had to then I guess we'd have to, yes. And you could.

You could ditch, certainly. Excellent.

I love pilots who know what they're doing!

At the end of round two, the Pilots have got eight points,

the Globetrotters are ahead with ten.

Time for the Connecting Wall now, the frenzied mass of clues

that need to be sorted into neat little ranks of four by four.

Pilots, you're going first. Would you like Lion or Water?

I think we'll take the Water Wall, please.

OK. You have got two and a half minutes to solve it, starting now.

Mrs McClusky. Right. Zammo.

This is, erm... Grange Hill. Grange Hill.

So Mr McClusky. Tucker.

Tucker. Roly was.

And so was Gripper. OK. Shall I go with those?

Yeah, go with that. What else have we got? Bulrush, reed...

Erm... Done it.

Morrison, Reed. Oh, Velvet Underground, yeah.

Morrison, Reed, Tucker and Cale

Fantastic, right. Three strikes and you're out now.

So, we've got Le Mans. No.

That's a snake, isn't it? Chester-le-Street.

Chester-le-Street, Le Mans.

Bulrush. Are they hieroglyphics

Hm. I'm not sure.

Wake. Cattail.

Hat...

Is arrowhead a root or a spice? That's arrowroot.

Oh, right. So a word that goes after? Sedgefield, Chesterfield

Yeah. Mansfield. Hatfield.

Or could be Wakefield. So we've got Hat, Sedge...

What are the others first?

Mans... So we're left with bulrush, cattail and arrowhead.

These could be some kind of reed.

There's three. We need to make a fourth. Sedge

Sedge could be... OK. We'll take that one out. Wake.

And then it could be Chesterfield. Then you've got cattail,

bulrush, arrowhead and sedge Yeah, shall we do it? Yeah, before...

That's it. You've solved the wall.

You were just saying, "Before you do that..." It was too late

he'd solved it. Absolutely. It s good news. Four points immediately.

Let's look for the connections. Mrs McClusky, Roly, Gripper, Zammo.

Characters from Grange Hill. Yes

Were you fans of Grange Hill? Very much so. Not at all. Really

I used to love that show. I loved it.

"I really want to help you, Roland." HE LAUGHS

But already, these seem to me late characters.

Tucker was a red herring, but that was the glory days. Indeed.

What about this next one, Tucker, Reed, Cale, Morrison?

One of my favourite bands, The Velvet Underground.

Ah! Happy with that, Captain? Absolutely.

But you don't sing them at karaoke? Bit more difficult to sing, I think.

Billy Idol's a lot easier than Lou Reed.

You should try Metal Machine Music next time. I'll try that one.

I'll look out for that on the internet.

What about this? Wake, Chester, Hat, Mans.

They're all places if you put field at the end of it, it makes a town.

That's right. English towns and cities when you add field.

And this one, sedge, bulrush, arrowhead, cattail?

Types of grasses. Sedge grass.. Reeds. Plants.

Well, I'll take it. They're all plants and grasses

that grow on wetlands, marshlands.

Sedgefield, of course, was the red herring for the previous group.

Tony Blair's old constituency. You didn't fall for it.

Four points for the groups, four points for the connections

and two points for getting it all right. A maximum of ten.

Very well done. Time to bring their opponents in now and give them a fresh connecting wall

to solve as meticulously as they possibly can.

That's you, Globetrotters. You've got the Lion Wall to unpick.

Two and a half minutes to do that starting now.

We've got... Er...

Yeah, we'll... We've got Schiller, Mann, Hesse. German writers.

So who's the other one? Grimm?

There we go. Quaffle and bludger and broomstick are quidditch.

And snitch. Right, shall we go for that, then? Let's try it

Beater's bat is the other one. Do you want to do that? Let's look.

Er... OK, so...

Right, OK. Three strikes and you're out now. Plenty of time.

Snitch, sneak... And grass. Oh, yeah. And shop.

Things you... Right, so let's pause for now, take our time.

So we've got journalism, graph, synthesis and taxis.

Or tax-is. Oh.

Photosynthesis, photojournalism phototaxis and photograph.

Right, so let's just pause for a minute and just check everything.

So we've got German writers, authors.

Things in... What's that game? Quidditch. Quidditch. Right.

And then... Shall we do it? Yeah.

Grass, snitch, shop and sneak.

Happy? Are we sure that's... What are we calling that?

Erm, ways of... Telling on people. Yeah, exactly. That'll do.

That's it, you've solved the wall, so four points for the groups

Let's look for the connections. Hesse, Schiller, Grimm, Mann.

They're all German writers, authors.

That is it. All German writers Can you tell me their first names?

Hermann Hesse. Mm-hm.

Mac Schiller, isn't it? It's Friedrich von Schiller.

Jacob Grimm? Brothers Grimm. Yes! It's brothers.

Jacob and Wilhelm. And Thomas Mann.

Thomas Mann, that's it. Manfred

Yes, Manfred Mann, yeah.

He wrote funnier stuff. So that's it, German writers.

The next group, broomstick, quaffle, beater's bat, bludger.

Erm, nominate someone to take it It's equipment that's used

in the game of quidditch from Harry Potter.

Exactly right. Have you read all the Harry Potters? Not even one

Haven't read or seen any. I've read all of them. There we go.

Our resident Harry Potter specialist.

I've read them all. I really enjoyed them.

I get a hard time from my brother, who thinks grownups are not

supposed to read. Didn't he read them for I've Never Seen Star Wars?

Oh, he might have done, yes. I m sure he would take the opportunity.

I genuinely have never seen Star Wars,

much to the horror of Only Connect viewers. I have read Harry Potter.

Anyway, let's press on. Grass, shop, snitch, sneak.

They're all ways of telling on someone, essentially.

Meaning to betray, really, isn't it? That's right.

And graph, synthesis, journalism, taxis.

They can all be preceded by photo.

Yes. Photograph, photosynthesis, photojournalism. What's phototaxis?

It's moving towards light, so growing towards light with plants

is the usual explanation. That's it.

Responses of cells or organisms to light. Very well done.

Four points for the groups, four more points for the connections

two points more for getting it all right. That is the maximum of ten.

Let's have a look at the scores

The Pilots have 18 points,

the Globetrotters have 20.

If you'd like to have a go at a Connecting Wall,

you'll find them on our website, where you can also write your own.

But we are going to play the Missing Vowels round.

You'll remember this. We've taken the vowels out of sentences,

sayings or names, squidged up the consonants,

and I want to know, what are those clues?

Fingers on buzzers, teams.

The first category are all...

BELL Gary Oldman. Correct.

BELL Christopher Lee. Correct.

BELL Leslie Nielsen. Correct.

BELL Bela Lugosi. Correct.

Next category...

BELL Montego Bay. Correct.

BELL Dar Es Salaam. Correct.

BELL Hook Of Holland. Correct.

BELL Port Said. Correct.

Next category...

BELL Can We Fix It? From Bob The Builder.

BELL Hello, Goodbye. The Beatles.

No? This is Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You. Next clue.

BELL Stay Another Day. From East 17.

Next category...

BELL Amusement Arcade. Correct.

BELL Amphitheatre. Correct.

BELL Opera House. Correct.

BELL Bingo Hall. Yes, it is.

Next category...

THEME MUSIC

Well, that one was black spot, but it's the end of the quiz

and the Pilots finish with 25 points

but the winners with 28 are the Globetrotters.

Unlucky, Pilots. Why would you know about ports? Ports?

Going by boat? Why would anyone do that? We fly over them.

The 21st century! Who would know?

What a shame. It was lovely to have you here, Pilots.

You have been a brilliant team. It's been good fun.

Thank you. Thank you very much for coming and goodbye.

Globetrotters, you're still in it, still in contention, you could still make the final

Very well done for putting that back on track. We'll see you again.

Sadly, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for.

That's actually a lie. We've got plenty of time. We've got all night.

We cleared our schedules. But this is all they'll broadcast. Aghhh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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