1970s Pointless Celebrities

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong and welcome

to this special '70s edition of Pointless Celebrities,

the show that makes big winners out of the lowest scorers.

Let's meet today's Pointless Celebrities.

And couple number one.

Hello, I'm Jacqueline and I played Servalan -

rather well, I must admit - in the BBC series Blake's 7.

Hello, I'm Michael Keating and I played Vila in Blake's 7.

Not too badly.

Couple number two.

Hello, I'm Babs and I'm from the dance group Pan's People.

-And this...?

-Hello, I'm Dee Dee

and I danced with Pan's People on Top Of The Pops.

-Couple number three.

-Yeah, hello, everybody.

I'm Sandra Stevens from the group Brotherhood Of Man

and this is my husband, Martin.

Hi, I'm Martin Lee, member of Brotherhood Of Man -

surprise surprise - and this is my wife, Sandra.

There we are.

And finally, couple number four.

-My name's Alan Mullery, I used to play football a bit.

-Wow!

Hello, my name's John Conteh and I used to be a boxer.

Thanks very much, all of you. Wonderful to have you here.

We'll get to chat to each of you a bit more throughout the show.

So that just leaves one more person for me to introduce.

He's all flared up and that's just his trousers.

It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.

Hiya. Hello, everybody.

Nice to see you this evening.

Good evening to you.

-Good evening.

-Oh, I'm so looking forward to this.

Before every show, we do a little walk, we go and say hello

to everyone. Maybe one of the nicest bunches of people we've ever had

to do a walk with. They're all lovely.

-Just lovely.

-You know, it's going to be awful knocking any of you out.

I was just going to say, shall we just do a really long round one

and then just award it on points at the end?

Everyone can win. That'd be nice.

We've only got one person who's ever been on before, that's Martin.

He got through to the head-to-head

with Sonia on our Eurovision special.

-So he's got form, which is good.

-Yeah.

-I'm a Fulham fan, I'm afraid.

We quite often have Fulham players on. Third time we've ever had

a Fulham player on. But, Alan, they haven't done very well thus far.

I'm going to be honest with you.

For the sake of Fulham, we need you to go all the way. Alan,

I think you're the first England player ever to be sent off?

-Thanks very much(!)

-No worries.

LAUGHTER

At the end of the show, one of our pairs will be singing for us.

And even better news - it's not Alan and John.

LAUGHTER

Thanks very much indeed, Richard.

All of today's questions have been put to 100 people before the show.

Our contestants are looking for those all-important

pointless answers. These are answers that none of our 100 people were

able to give. Find one of those and we'll add £250 to the jackpot.

Now, as today's show is a celebrity special,

each of our lovely celebrities is playing for a nominated charity.

We're going to start off with a jackpot of £2,500. There we are.

Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

Just to remind you - the pair with the highest score at the end

of each round will be eliminated. It's the highest score,

so try and keep your scores as low as you possibly can, and remember,

no conferring for the first two rounds.

Very best of luck. Our first category this evening is...

Football. What about that?

LAUGHTER

Six people not very happy with that. Can you all decide in your pairs

who's going to go first and who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK. Well, let's find out what the question is. Here it comes.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many

English football teams with fewer than 13 letters in their name as they could.

English football teams with fewer than 13 letters in their name.

That's not so bad. Richard.

Yes, even better, it's football and maths. We are looking for the names

of any English football team in the top four divisions in 2015/2016,

any team in those four divisions whose names have 12 letters

or fewer, please. The full names of the clubs that have 12 letters

-or fewer, please. Very best of luck.

-Thank you very much, Richard.

Michael, a very warm welcome to Pointless. Lovely to have you.

You were saying that this studio reminded you of the Blake's 7 sets?

-Absolutely.

-Except it's better.

-It's a bit sturdier, isn't it?

-It's firmer.

-Michael, of course, obviously, Blake's 7,

but more recent viewers will know you as the Reverend Stevens

-from EastEnders.

-In EastEnders, yes.

-That's fun.

-I do that occasionally.

So as soon as anyone carks it all gets married or gets christened...

-That's right.

-..you get the call-up?

-Yes, indeed.

Or they need a bit of counselling.

Michael, what would you like to go for?

-Aston Villa.

-Aston Villa...

-Yes.

-..says Michael. Aston Villa.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Aston Villa.

It's right.

There we are, 31. Not bad, Michael, not bad at all.

-Good start to the round. 31 for Aston Villa.

-Well played, Michael.

-Scary on that first podium, isn't it?

-It is.

-Yeah.

Ten letters in Aston Villa.

At the time of recording, they are in the Premier League.

But that is very much at time of recording, I'm afraid.

I thought you were saying there were ten letters in their name

at time of recording. We might be altering that!

They might officially change their name to "Aston Villa 0",

-in which case it'd be 11.

-LAUGHTER

Thanks very much, Richard. Dee Dee, a very warm welcome to Pointless.

-Wonderful to have you here.

-Thank you.

-Pan's People, I mean,

what an extraordinary phenomenon that was.

-It was.

-When did it start, Pan's People?

Well, dare I say, we actually started in 1966.

And then right through the '70s.

Absolutely. We were on Top Of The Pops for ten years, basically.

We met everybody.

The only people we didn't meet were Elvis and Frank Sinatra,

he wasn't our era, but The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, The Who,

-Elton John.

-Do you have a favourite person?

-Stevie Wonder.

-Oh!

-Wow.

-Incredible.

Yes, definitely Stevie Wonder.

Now, Dee Dee, football clubs, what would you like to go for?

Well, because I used to go up there all the time and my children went to

-school there, Wimbledon.

-Wimbledon, says Dee Dee. Let's see if that's

right and how many of our 100 people said it. Wimbledon.

It's right. 31 is our only score at this point, for Aston Villa.

Wimbledon passes 31.

Oh, look how it passes 31.

Down to 5!

5 for Wimbledon, fabulous.

Very good work, Dee Dee, Wimbledon or AFC Wimbledon,

that's a terrific answer.

Thank you very much, Richard.

Martin. Martin, welcome back.

-Thank you.

-1976 was just a great champagne year for you, wasn't it?

Absolutely.

So we had Save All Your Kisses. Did you write Save All Your Kisses?

-Yes.

-Because I know you...

Lily and I wrote most of the songs.

But they were tremendous.

What are you up to at the moment?

We're still touring. We're in our 44th year at the moment together.

Just seems to go on for ever.

Well, long may it and there's a rumour you might perform for us

-at the end of the show?

-Well, what do you think?

Well, I think if the audience want us to, I think we will do that.

Oh, that will be nice.

Fabulous. That's something to look forward to. Martin, what would you

-like to go for?

-I'm going to go West Ham.

OK, West Ham, says Martin. West Ham, let's see if it's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said West Ham.

Oh.

Oh, is it West Ham United?

Oh. Oh, Martin.

-Never mind, don't worry.

-Yeah, West Ham United, I'm afraid,

so 13 letters.

Well, Martin, I'm sorry about that.

Alan, very warm welcome to you, lovely to have you with us.

You signed to Fulham aged 15, I think, is that right?

-Yes, when I left school.

-What was it like then?

What were your duties as a 15-year-old?

My first job in football at Fulham was to kill rats.

Wow, so that was your apprenticeship?

-I passed my apprenticeship, just like that.

-Just with rats.

-Just with rats.

-And when did you play your first game?

When I was 17 years of age.

Wow, several rats later, I should think.

-Yes.

-And football has just changed so entirely since then.

Some would say for the better. Personally, I don't think so.

I think there's far too much money in the game now.

Well, their pest control leaves a lot to be desired these days.

Yeah.

Alan, what would you like to go for?

I'd like to go for Walsall.

Walsall. Walsall, says Alan.

A murmur of appreciation there.

We all like Walsall. Let's see how many of our 100 said Walsall.

There we are, well, it's right, 100 was our high score,

you passed that a while ago.

5 is our lowest. Where will we end up?

Look at that, very well done indeed, Alan.

Fittingly, our lowest score of the round so far, 3 for Walsall.

Best answer yet, Alan, very well played, League One Walsall,

-seven letters.

-Thanks, Richard. We're halfway through the round

so let's take a look at those scores.

3, Alan, the best score of that pass, very well done indeed,

then up from 3 to 5, where we find Dee Dee and Babs,

then up to 31, Michael and Jacqueline,

-and Martin and Sandra on 100. Now, Sandra.

-Yes.

We've had a lesson now. Poor Martin has taught us all.

-Yes.

-Remember the full name. We're going to come back down the line.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, John. A very, very warm welcome to you,

great to have you here on Pointless.

Now, you were given some fabulous advice, weren't you,

early on in your career by another boxer?

I can't remember who it was.

-Muhammad Ali.

-That's the one, yes, that's the one.

-What was that?

-He told me to drop down to light heavyweight.

At the time I was campaigning as a heavyweight.

Best advice you were ever given?

It was, I dropped down and I done well at light heavy then.

I like "done well" - you did better than just well, John, to be fair.

One of the greatest boxers Britain ever produced.

Are you still involved in the sport, then?

No, I'm not involved in it, but I go to a few fights.

Yeah, right. OK, now, John, you're on 3,

fabulous low score from Alan in the first pass.

The high score was Martin and Sandra on 100.

So 96 or less definitely keeps you in the game.

-Chester.

-Chester, says John. Chester.

There is your red line, John, if you can get below that with Chester

you are through to round two.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Chester.

Oh.

There we are, I'm afraid that's an incorrect answer, John,

scores you 100 points and takes your total up to 103.

Sorry, John, they're no longer in the top four leagues, I'm afraid.

There we are. Thank you, Richard.

Sandra, back in the game, look at that.

You have to score 2 or less, that's all you have to do, 2 or less.

Not much pressure, is there(?)

There will be plenty that will be 2 or less, I'm sure, out there,

but welcome to Pointless, great to have you here.

So how did Brotherhood Of Man come about?

What were you doing before that?

Before that, well, I personally was singing with big bands,

Martin happened to see me with Joe Loss and, erm...

-he recommended me for the group.

-Then Eurovision happened.

How long had you been together before Eurovision?

-About four or five years.

-But that suddenly exploded it

and then millions of records sold.

Our lives just shot off, Alexander. We were all over the world.

It was the most wonderful time of our lives, I've got to say.

Now, Sandra, we need a score of 2 or less from you.

-2 or less, 2 or less.

-Well, very difficult.

Because I'm from Leeds...

I'll say Leeds United.

Leeds United, says Sandra.

Hopefully I've got that many letters...

Here comes your red line.

You have to get below that red Line - sorry, there it is.

If you get below that you are through to round two

with Leeds United, let's see if you can do it. Best of luck.

Ooh!

-It's right.

-Oh.

Come on, come on, come on.

Still going. Oh, no!

27.

-Good one, though.

-Yeah.

127 is your total, you're still in the game.

11 letters there, very well done.

It's so interesting, you can tell that Alan and John are sportspeople

cos they knew what you had to score.

As soon as you said Leeds United, they were like,

"Fine. We're all right."

Put them up, put them up!

Thanks very much. Now, Babs, a very warm welcome to Pointless.

-Hello.

-Great to have you here.

I mean, your career has taken you in the most extraordinary different

directions, hasn't it?

I've had quite a few eclectic experiences, it's true.

My husband and I, we are ambassadors,

amongst the ambassadors for the Prince's Trust,

celebrating their 40th anniversary this year.

Dee Dee and I have collaborated on Pan's People: Our Story.

We were finally brought in to tell our story of what it was like

during the '60s and '70s.

-Yeah.

-Which was huge fun.

I've had lots and lots of wonderful adventures.

You have. You've been to the Himalayas, been up to Everest.

I've sailed around the world.

I've been to North and South Poles.

In your miniskirt.

In my miniskirt. Oh, and talking about the polar regions,

I did love your series.

-Oh, thank you.

-And I have your book, which I hope you will sign.

I'd be delighted to.

Thank you. This is called bribery.

LAUGHTER

I've got great news for you, Babs. On the back of that, you're through

to the next round. Doesn't matter what you score.

-Oh, yes!

-You're through.

-We might even do a little dance.

I'd be upset if you didn't.

It doesn't matter what you score, but I bet you've got a good answer.

-So I shall say Chelsea.

-Chelsea, says Babs.

Let's see if that's right. No red line cos you're already through.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Chelsea.

(Doesn't matter.)

-Not bad. 57.

-It's not bad.

57. 62 is your total, you are through.

Very well played, yes, seven letters for Chelsea.

Thank you, Richard.

Jacqueline. Now, Servalan - oh-ho-ho-ho!

She was terrifying. Absolutely terrifying.

Do you find there are people who are still, when they see you, go...

Yes.

LAUGHTER

That other sci-fi programme, I've forgotten its name,

has made a huge comeback.

-Yes.

-People must be talking all the time about Blake's 7.

Will there be a remake?

They've been talking about that for years, haven't they, Michael,

-for years?

-Yeah.

-And I think it's something to do with the rights.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

-Oh, it's too complicated to resuscitate.

-What a shame.

-I know.

A huge shame. Now, talking of that other famous sci-fi series,

I can't remember what its name is, you've been doing,

you and John Hurt have been doing audio books for Doctor Who.

-Yes.

-That's fun. How long have you been doing it for?

How many have you done?

Oh, two lots' worth.

Yeah, OK.

About eight CDs.

Excellent. Four to a lot.

-I think so.

-Maths!

LAUGHTER

-That must be enormous fun.

-Oh, it's great fun.

-I mean, John Hurt.

-He's one of my best mates,

so working with him was just divine.

-Now, Jacqueline.

-Yes, darling.

You're on 31. The high scorers on 127 are Sandra and Martin.

What would you like to go for?

Well, it's not my strongest subject, so I'll go for Arsenal.

-Arsenal.

-Yes.

-Arsenal, says Jacqueline.

Arsenal. Sandra and Martin were hoping to be helped out of a hole.

I'm not sure Arsenal is quite the lifeline they were looking for,

but let's see. Arsenal.

There is your red line, appropriately red.

Let's see if you get below it.

If you can with Arsenal, you are into round two.

It's right and you're through. Very well done.

74. 74 for Arsenal, taking your total up to 105,

seeing you comfortably into round two, very well done.

Very well done, safely through. The last two answers we had,

Chelsea and Arsenal, they are the two biggest scorers of any of

the scores out there, followed by Liverpool with 57

and Everton with 37,

but it's the smaller answers that we're most interested in.

I'll give you some of the 1-pointers.

1 point for Leyton Orient, Crawley Town, Swindon Town, Oxford United,

Barnet, Notts County,

Burton Albion and Chesterfield. But there's three pointless answers,

only three in the whole league that were pointless answers.

And they were...

Port Vale, Stevenage,

who used to be Stevenage Borough which is why they did well,

and Brentford. That's a shame, Alan, to see Brentford getting nothing

at all, isn't it? There it is.

Very, very well done if you said any of those.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So at the end of our first round the pair we have to say goodbye to,

I'm so sorry, Sandra and Martin.

But please will you still sing for us at the end of the show?

-Absolutely.

-It gives you a bit more time to get prepared.

Absolutely, can we just say, it's been absolutely great?

I've loved it. It was just a bad subject for me.

A good subject for you.

LAUGHTER

And it's been really a lovely experience.

-Lovely to meet you.

-Lovely to have you on as well, thank you.

Come and play again, Sandra and Martin.

APPLAUSE

But for the remaining three pairs it's now time for round two.

We knew it was going to happen, it doesn't make it any easier.

We're now down to three pairs, I'm afraid. Worse still, at the end

of this round we're going to have to say goodbye to another pair.

Very best of luck to all three pairs for the next round.

Our category for round two this evening is Literature.

It's Literature. Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go

first, who's going to go second? And whoever's going first,

please step up to the podium.

OK, and the question concerns...

Fictional Friendships. Fictional Friendships, Richard.

On each board we're going to show you six pairs of fictional friends

and the year in which they first appeared as well.

You just need to tell us the authors who created these fictional friends.

Six on the first board, six on the second board,

-12 in all to have a go at at home. Very best of luck.

-Thanks very much.

So we're looking for the authors who created these fictional friendships,

and here's our first board of six. We have...

I'm going to read all of those again.

There we are. Jacqueline, we come to you first.

OK.

I'll go for Jay Gatsby and Nick Carraway, F Scott Fitzgerald.

F Scott Fitzgerald, says Jacqueline.

Let's see how many of our 100 people went for F Scott Fitzgerald.

It's right.

22, not bad at all.

Not bad at all, Jacqueline, 22

-for F Scott Fitzgerald.

-Well played, Jacqueline, from The Great Gatsby,

of course, a wonderful novel.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

Now then, Babs.

I'm afraid my mind has just frozen.

I know I can see, and I've got some of the books on my library shelf

at home. I can't even think of an answer.

-Mickey Mouse.

-For which one?

All of them.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Babs, for that alone you deserve to stay.

Mickey Mouse. Shall we go for the top one, Mickey Mouse, shall we say?

-Yes.

-OK, Mickey Mouse, says Babs.

They're going to laugh at me.

No-one's going to laugh at you, Babs.

Let's see what happens when we say Mickey Mouse.

Oh, I'm sorry, Babs. I'm so sorry.

-Can I do a little dance instead?

-Oh, please.

You're by no means the first and you certainly won't be the last person

to have had some mind freeze.

Sorry, Babs, not Mickey Mouse, I'm afraid.

Unfortunately published under the name Michael Mouse,

-so we can't accept Mickey.

-LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, that is tough.

Isn't that tough? Now, John, you're the last person to have this board.

I think the first one I know is AA Milne.

Is that the one you want to go for?

-Yes.

-OK, you're going to go for AA Milne.

John says AA Milne for Christopher Robin and Winnie-the-Pooh.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said AA Milne.

It's right.

And look at that,

down it goes to 39 for AA Milne, very well done indeed, John.

Very well played, John, no mucking about there at all.

Let's take you through the rest of this board.

I think you know the Russian one there, the second one, don't you?

-War And Peace.

-And who is the author?

-Tolstoy.

-Tolstoy is exactly right.

-I should have said that.

-Tolstoy,

-it would have scored you 16 points as well.

-Oh, no.

-Would have been a terrific answer.

-My favourite book of all time.

-Harry Potter and Hermione Granger?

-JK Rowling.

-JK Rowling.

-67. Mowgli and Baloo?

-Rudyard Kipling.

-Yes, Rudyard Kipling.

-Yes, of course.

-Vladimir and Estragon?

-Samuel Beckett.

-Samuel Beckett.

And that would have scored 3 points, that's the best answer up there.

Thank you, Richard.

We're halfway through the round, let's take a look at those scores.

22 the lowest score of the pass, Jacqueline, very well done to you,

Jacqueline and Michael. Then up to 39, John and Alan, very well done.

Babs and Dee Dee, oh, I'm sorry. The round is not over yet

so anything could happen on the next pass, so best of luck.

-Dee Dee, we need a nice low score from you.

-No pressure, no pressure!

Maybe it'll keep you in the game. We're going to come back down

the line now. Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, let's put six more questions up on the board and here they come.

We've got...

I'm going to read all of those again.

Alan, we come to you.

Now, you want to be scoring 60 or less to be sure of your place

-in the head-to-head.

-I shall say...

the bottom, Hamlet and Horatio,

-William Shakespeare.

-William Shakespeare, says Alan,

for Hamlet and Horatio. Let's see how many of our 100 people

said that. There is your red line.

It's right.

61.

61 for Hamlet. Takes your total up to 100.

-It's exciting.

-Isn't it?

Only 61 for Shakespeare as well...

-Surprising.

-..from our 100.

Dee Dee, what we need from you now

is a pointless answer and I don't know if there are any on that board,

but it would be wonderful if there were one and you could find it.

I know Dean Moriarty and I can't remember the name of the author.

I think I'm going to go for Frodo Baggins, which is Tolkien.

OK, Tolkien, says Dee Dee. It has to be a pointless answer.

Then you'll tie with Alan and John, but we shall see.

Let's see what happens with Tolkien. Tolkien. 61 for Shakespeare,

let's see how far down the column you get with Tolkien.

Oh, 50.

50 takes your total up to 150.

Yeah, Tolkien spent 12 years writing The Lord Of The Rings.

I spent nearly 12 years reading it, so there we are.

Thank you very much indeed.

Now, Michael, I have glad tidings.

You are through to the next round, it does not matter what you score.

Well, I know the top one, having been on the Mississippi.

Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn is by Mark Twain.

Let's see, Mark Twain. No red line, you're already through,

but let's see how many of our 100 people got Mark Twain.

It's right.

37 for Mark Twain, very well done indeed. 59 is your total.

Well played, Michael. Actors and writers are always

very good on rounds like this.

Jane Eyre and Helen Burns?

Oh, it's Bronte, obviously.

Charlotte Bronte.

Would have scored you 24. Peter Pan and Wendy Darling?

Is Barrie, JM Barrie.

Yeah, Barrie from next door.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-34.

And Sal Paradise and Dean Moriarty.

-That is Jack Kerouac.

-Jack Kerouac, from On The Road, yes,

2 points for that.

-Very well done if you said that.

-Thank you very much, Richard.

Dee Dee and Babs, this is where we have to say goodbye to you.

-Far too soon.

-Never mind.

-Far too soon.

It has been huge fun to meet you, thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Please come back and play again,

lovely to have you on, Dee Dee and Babs.

But for Michael and Jacqueline and John and Alan it's now time

for our head-to-head.

Well, congratulations, Michael and Jacqueline, John and Alan,

we are now one step closer to the final and a chance to play

for that jackpot, which currently stands at £2,500.

We've reached the point where we have to decide who goes through

to play for that jackpot and we do that by making you go head-to-head,

but the big difference at this point is you're allowed to play as a team.

You can chat before you give your answers, which makes a huge difference.

The first pair to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.

Let's play the head-to-head.

Here is your first question, and it concerns...

LAUGHTER

Famous Dicks.

I don't know what everyone's laughing about.

I'm simply about to show you five photographs...

LAUGHTER

Trying to make a television show here, guys.

I'm going to show you five photographs of famous people

-called Dick.

-Yeah.

You need to tell us who they are, please, and very, very best of luck.

Thanks very much indeed.

Let's reveal our five Dicks, and here they are.

There we are, five Dicks.

Now then, Michael and Jacqueline, you've been our low scorers,

so you will go first.

Feel free to confer.

A is Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney, say Michael and Jacqueline.

Dick Cheney. Now, John and Alan,

do you fancy talking us through those other Dicks?

-Dick Emery.

-B is Dick Emery.

C is Dick Van Dyke.

I don't know D, and I don't know E.

We'll go for Dick Van Dyke.

You're going to go for Dick Van Dyke, for C. C, Dick Van Dyke.

So Dick Cheney and Dick Van Dyke.

Now, Michael and Jacqueline said Dick Cheney for A,

let's see how many of our 100 people got that.

20.

Very well done indeed.

John and Alan, meanwhile, have gone for Dick Van Dyke, for C.

Let's see if that is right and let's see how many of our 100 people said Dick Van Dyke.

It's right.

67 for Dick Van Dyke.

Very well done indeed, Michael and Jacqueline,

Dick Cheney wins you the first question.

After one question it's 1-0 to you.

Very well played. You are right about B, that is Dick Emery,

and Dick Emery would have scored you 64 points. A big score, isn't it?

-E is Dick Strawbridge. He's been on the show, hasn't he?

-Mm-hm.

He would have scored you 10. Now, D, for our sports people,

he was a field athlete, completely changed his sport

by changing the technique and it was Dick Fosbury. Dick Fosbury.

Of the Fosbury Flop.

A pointless answer, very well done if you said that.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard, so here comes your second question.

John and Alan, you get to answer this one first.

But you have to win it to stay in the game, so best of luck.

Our second question this evening is all about Christmas Number Ones.

-Christmas Number Ones, Richard.

-We're going to play you five clips

of songs that have been Christmas number ones. We need you to tell us

the artist who recorded each of these songs, please.

Thanks very much indeed, so who are the artists who had hits with these

Christmas number ones?

We have got A.

# You can hear the hoofbeats pound

# As they raced across the ground

# And the clatter of the wheels

# As they spun round and round

# And he galloped into market street, his badge upon his chest

# His name was Ernie

# And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west... #

Here's B.

# Long time ago

# In Bethlehem

# So the Holy Bible say

# Mary's boy child, Jesus Christ

# Was born on Christmas Day... #

Here's C.

# And if we're only here once

# I wanna live with

# You got something I need

# In this world full of people

# There's one loving me

# And if we're only here once

# I wanna live with you... #

Here's D.

# Oh, don't leave me alone like this

# Don't you say it's the final kiss

-# Stay now

-Won't you stay another day

# Stay now, stay now... #

And here's E.

# It's Christmas-time

# There's no need to be afraid

# At Christmas-time

# We let in light and we banish shade... #

So we want to know who had hits with those songs.

John and Alan, you will go first.

We'll go for B, Harry Belafonte.

B, Harry Belafonte. B, Harry Belafonte.

Now, Michael and Jacqueline, what would you like to go for?

-A.

-Benny Hill.

-Benny Hill.

A, Benny Hill,

so we have Harry Belafonte and we have Benny Hill.

John and Alan said Harry Belafonte for B.

Let's see if that's right, let's see how money people said it.

It is Harry Belafonte.

That's a good answer, very well done indeed.

16 for Harry Belafonte.

Michael and Jacqueline, meanwhile, have gone for Benny Hill for A,

let's see if that's right, let's see how many people said Benny Hill.

It's right.

59.

Well done, John and Alan, that's exactly what you needed to do,

you're back in the game. After two questions, it's 1-1.

Harry Belafonte is the best answer on the board as well,

so well played, gents, nothing you could have done about that.

Let's take a listen to the other three we haven't got, so C.

# And if we're only here once... #

This was number one in 2014,

another one of the many X Factor number ones,

-Ben Haenow.

-Ben Haenow.

-Would have scored 18 points. Got a great name.

-Yeah.

-D.

# Oh, don't leave me alone like this... #

-One of the classic Christmas number ones, Stay Another Day.

-East 17.

Yeah. Big scorer, though.

65 for that.

And E.

The biggest scorer of all.

This is Band Aid.

Band Aid, of course it is, that would have scored you 72 points.

Thanks very much indeed. OK, so here comes your third question.

It comes down to this. This is the decider, whoever wins it

goes through to the final to play for that jackpot for their charity,

so best of luck to both pairs.

Our third question this evening is all about...Dinosaurs.

All about dinosaurs, Richard.

Yeah, this is the correct way to end any quiz, I think, is facts...

Simply five clues now to facts about dinosaurs.

Whichever team gives us the most obscure answer is heading through,

-so good luck, everybody.

-OK, here come the clues.

And we've got...

Let's read those again.

Now then, Michael and Jacqueline, you will go first.

The 1993 Spielberg film about a prehistoric theme...

Yeah.

..starring Sam Neill as Dr Alan Grant...

-Indeed.

-..is Jurassic Park.

Jurassic Park. There we are.

Jurassic Park. We got there. John and Alan, would you like to

talk us through any others on the board?

Yeah, we'll have number two, Tyrannosaurus rex.

OK, you say Tyrannosaurus rex.

For the second one, Tyrannosaurus rex.

So, we have Jurassic Park, and we have Tyrannosaurus rex

for the second answer. Michael and Jacqueline went for Jurassic Park,

the name of the Spielberg film etc, etc. Let's see if that's right, let's see how many people said it.

It's...

That's a high score. Look at that - 91 for Jurassic Park.

John and Alan have gone for Tyrannosaurus rex

as the vertebrate egg-laying animal class. Let's see if that's

right and how many of our 100 people said Tyrannosaurus rex.

Is it right, though?

Oh, bad luck. I'm afraid, an incorrect answer, John and Alan.

Which means, Michael and Jacqueline, very well done.

After three questions, you are through to the final, 2-1.

Yeah, very well done. It's going it some to win with 91.

That's very impressive.

The second one, it's the class we are looking for, just reptiles

was the answer to the second one and would have scored 28 points.

This species of dinosaur that has a name meaning three-horned face.

-Triceratops.

-Triceratops, absolutely.

The era that immediately succeeds the Jurassic period

is the Cretaceous period. That would have scored 11.

And the children's TV character...

Entirely lovable.

-Barney.

-It is Barney.

And Barney would have scored 53.

Thanks very much indeed. So, the pair leaving us at the end

of the head-to-head round, I'm sorry to say, John and Alan.

But you have done something massive for Fulham, Alan,

today by coming through to the head-to-head. I'm sorry we have to

say goodbye to you now. It's been wonderful having you on the show,

a real treat. Thank you both so much for playing. John and Alan.

But for Michael and Jacqueline, it's now time for our Pointless final.

Well, congratulations, Michael and Jacqueline.

You fought off all the competition,

and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.

You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot for your charities.

And at the end of today's show, the jackpot is standing at £2,500.

There we are.

Well, I loved it.

In our '70s bonanza, you have triumphed.

Very well done. Anything you'd particularly like to see come up

-in this last round?

-What do you think?

-A bit of history?

-History.

-A bit of history.

-History, OK.

Well, history is usually on there in one way or another.

Let's look at today's board and see what's up there. We have got...

-You decide.

-Oh, darling! What a responsibility.

Um...

Classic US Singer-Songwriters.

You sure about that?

LAUGHTER

I want something like Burt Bacharach.

-OK, let's go for it.

-Do you think?

-Yes.

-That's the only one I know.

-Right.

-OK.

-You're going to go for...?

We're going to go for Classic US Singer-Songwriters.

-Classic US Singer-Songwriters.

-OK, very best of luck.

Three very different questions, here. Hopefully, you'll find answers

in one of these categories. We are looking for the name of any track

from the original release of Paul Simon's album Graceland.

We're looking for any track from Dolly Parton's greatest hits album

from 2014, Blue Smoke.

Or we're looking for any track from the original release

of The Best Of James Taylor.

So, the original releases of Graceland,

Dolly Parton's greatest hits album Blue Smoke,

or The Best Of James Taylor. Any tracks on any of those albums.

-The very best of luck.

-Thank you very much indeed.

I hope that doesn't fill you with dread.

As always, you've got up to a minute to come up with three answers,

and all you need to win that jackpot for your charities

is for just one of those answers to be pointless. Are you ready?

-Well...

-Are you ready?

-Yes, we are.

Let's put 60 seconds up on the clock. There they are.

Your time starts now.

I've no idea.

Um...

Paul Simon's Graceland.

# Graceland, Graceland. # Yeah.

I know quite a lot of their music but I'm not sure I know that.

Dolly Parton's album Blue Smoke, not a clue.

Tracks from... The Best Of James Taylor.

Darling.

-I'm letting you down here.

-No! Darling!

LAUGHTER

It's because I'm tone deaf, you see.

Darling!

SHE LAUGHS

We're hopeless.

You can have fun making some up.

-That's fun.

-James Taylor...

Did he write...? No.

You're So Vain. That was Carly Simon.

Didn't she write it about him?

-Yes.

-Well, I know something.

-Ten seconds left.

-No, darling.

Um... Paul...

I know some...

-Darling!

-Hopeless.

-Hopeless.

-Hopeless.

Oh, you are just brilliant.

I wanted that minute to go on for ever and ever.

LAUGHTER

I'm afraid I now need your three answers.

You might have to make something up if you haven't got anything.

Tracks from Paul Simon's album.

Hopeless? A song called Hopeless?

There might be one called Darling on there.

LAUGHTER

-Go on, Dolly Parton.

-Oh, darling!

-Hit The Road, Jack.

-Hit The Road Jack, for Dolly Parton?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-James Taylor.

-James Taylor.

-You're So Vain?

-You're So Vain. We'll put that down. Why not?

For James Taylor. Of those three,

which do you think is your best shot at a pointless answer?

-The last one?

-James Taylor.

Let's go for You're So Vain, shall we?

Least likely to be pointless?

Hopeless, maybe? Shall we do that? Shall we put Hopeless first?

Let's put those answers on the board in that order, then.

Here they are.

We've got Hopeless, we've got Hit The Road, Jack,

and we've got You're So Vain.

Well, three answers you've arrived at there.

Do you know, one of these days, someone's going to knock themselves

out with a correct and pointless answer. It's going to happen.

Maybe today is that day.

If that were to be the case and you were to win the jackpot of £2,500,

-which charities are you playing for? Michael?

-The Red Cross.

Excellent. Needs no introduction. Jacqueline?

-Battersea Cats And Dogs Home.

-Wonderful.

Two great and very important charities there,

let's hope one of these answers wins that jackpot for your charities.

-That would be amazing. Slightly unbelievable.

-We have our doubts.

-Be positive.

-It would be lovely. OK, so in the first case,

we had Hopeless. In this case,

we were looking for tracks from Paul Simon's album Graceland.

Let's see if Hopeless was on that album.

If it's pointless, it will win you £2,500 for your charities.

How many people said Hopeless?

I'm sorry.

Not a massive surprise, I suspect,

but there we are. Hopeless not on Graceland.

Your next answer was Hit The Road, Jack. In this case, we were looking

for tracks from Dolly Parton's greatest hits album Blue Smoke.

Let's see if that's right.

If it's pointless, again, it will win you £2,500 for your charities.

How many people said Hit The Road, Jack?

No. I'm sorry. Another incorrect answer.

Everything now is riding on your third and final punt

which was You're So Vain. We're in much closer territory

-cos they were married, weren't they, James Taylor and Carly Simon?

-Yes.

So, you know, there's a relationship between the song and the singer.

Let's see if it's the right relationship.

To win that jackpot of £2,500,

it has to be a correct and a pointless answer.

So, let's see how many people said You're So Vain

for James Taylor, from his The Best Of James Taylor.

No! Bad luck.

Bad luck.

Well...

It was a tough board, that one. It was a tough category.

I mean, there might have been other easier ones on the board but unless

something really jumps out at you from those boards,

it's always hard to know which one to go for.

But you've been so good all the way through the show.

A 91 score, getting you through to the final was quite something.

-That's amazing.

-You didn't manage to find that all-important pointless

answer, so you don't win today's jackpot of £2,500.

However, as it is a celebrity special, we're going to donate £500

to each celebrity to give to their charity. So, there we are.

-Oh! Bless you.

-It's been wonderful having you on. And you get

a Pointless trophy to take with you as well. So, very well done.

APPLAUSE

The whole show has been a treat from start to finish.

A pleasure to meet you. Thank you so much.

We always say, at some point someone's going to make up an answer and it's going to be a real answer.

You were one letter away from having a real answer there.

One of the tracks on Graceland, it's not Hopeless, it's Homeless.

-Oh!

-But it would have scored 2 points, though.

It would have been awful. Can you imagine?

The big scorers for Paul Simon were You Can Call Me Al

and Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes.

We'll look at the pointless answers. Graceland first.

All Around The World Or The Myth Of Fingerprints,

and Crazy Love Vol II.

Those were the pointless answers on that album. Now, Dolly Parton.

Top four scorers are Jolene, Nine To Five,

Islands In The Stream and I Will Always Love You.

Let's take a look at James Taylor.

If you're a fan, you will have got some of these.

Everything on that album apart from Fire & Rain,

Sweet Baby James and Handy Man.

Everything else on that album was a pointless answer.

Thank you so much for contributing to such a fun show.

-Sorry we gave you such an awful final category.

-Thanks, Richard.

Join us next time when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge

to the test on Pointless. Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard.

-Goodbye.

-And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.

Meanwhile, we have the Brotherhood Of Man playing us out.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Long ago

# High on a mountain in Mexico

# Lived a young shepherd boy, Angelo

# Who met a young girl and he loved her so

# Rich was she

# Came from a very high family

# Angelo knew it could never be

# They ran away to their destiny

# Running away together, running away forever

# Angelo

# Running away from danger

# Hiding from every stranger

# Angelo

# They knew it wasn't wrong

# They found a love so strong

# They took their lives at night

# And in the morning light

# They found them on the sand

# They saw them lying there, hand in hand... #

APPLAUSE

Come on!

# Though it hurts to go away It's impossible to stay

# But there's one thing I must say before I go

-# I love you

-I love you

# You know

# With your cute little wave

# Will you promise that you'll save your

# Kisses for me

# Save all your kisses for me

# Bye-bye, baby, bye-bye

# Don't cry, honey, don't cry

# Gonna walk out the door

# But I'll soon be back for more

# Kisses for me

# Save all your kisses for me

# So long, honey, so long

# Hang on, baby, hang on

# Won't you save them for me?

# Even though you're only three! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE