Writers Pointless Celebrities

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong

and welcome to this special writers edition of Pointless Celebrities,

the show that makes big winners out of the lowest scorers.

Let's meet today's Pointless celebrities.

And couple number one.

Hello, my name's Benjamin Zephaniah

and I'm a poet and writer and I'm a troublemaker.

LAUGHTER

I'm Roger McGough, and I'm a poet and less of a troublemaker, I think.

-And we're twins.

-We're twins!

Couple number two.

My name's Kate Mosse.

Obviously I'm a supermodel, and in my spare time,

I write novels and plays and nonfiction.

And I'm Kathy Lette. I'm an author, finishing my 14th novel,

and also, I left school at 16.

I'm an autodidact - that's a word I taught myself, obviously -

-so I think I should have a handicap.

-And YOU'RE a troublemaker.

And I am a troublemaker. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Couple number three.

My name's John O'Farrell. I'm an author and a comedy scriptwriter.

And I'm Emma Kennedy, and I'm also an author and a comedy scriptwriter.

And finally, couple number four.

I'm Terry Deary, I'm a children's author,

probably best known for the books Horrible Histories

because I'm a horrible man.

And I'm Bryony Gordon. I am a columnist at the Telegraph

and the author of a book called The Wrong Knickers.

And I know nothing about history.

-Nothing?

-Nothing.

-I don't.

Thanks very much, all of you.

We'll find out more about each of you throughout the show.

So that just leaves one more person for me to introduce.

Like your favourite pair of slippers,

he might not be fashionable but my goodness, he's comfy.

He's my Pointless friend. It's Richard.

Hiya. Hi, everybody.

Evening.

-Good evening to you.

-Good evening.

This is what I like to call one of our "clever people" specials.

-Yes.

-It's all writers.

WRITERS EXCLAIM

All right, clever for US.

We've had a few people on before, Benjamin's been on before...

I'm very glad he's brought the wonderful Roger McGough with him.

Welcome, Roger.

Kathy's been on before as well, got through to Round Two...

-Brought my lovely friend Kate.

-Brought Kate this time.

-Emma has been on before, and got to the final.

-I did.

Didn't win the jackpot,

-but has been through to the final.

-Got the trophy.

Got the trophy, exactly.

Lovely to have you all along, it's going to be a cracker.

Some great questions.

-Let's get going.

-Oh, let's do it.

-Do you think?

-Yes.

Thanks, Richard. Now, as usual, all of today's questions

have been put to 100 people before the show.

Our contestants are looking for those all-important pointless answers,

these are the answers that none of our 100 people gave.

Each time you find one of those, we'll add £250 to the jackpot.

Now, as today's show is a celebrity special

and each of our celebrities is playing for a nominated charity,

we start off with a special jackpot

of £2,500. There it is.

Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

All you have to remember is this -

the pair with the highest score

at the end of each round will be eliminated.

Your job is to make sure you are not that pair.

Best of luck, our first category this evening is...

THEY ALL GROAN

XANDER LAUGHS

-It's Geography.

-That's gone down well, hasn't it?

Yeah. Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

who's going to go second? And whoever's going first,

please step up to the podium.

OK. Let's find out what the question is. Here it comes.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many...

-Richard.

-Yes, we're looking for any country in the world

that begins with one of those letters, please.

As always, by country we mean a sovereign state

that is a member of the UN in its own right.

Thank you very much indeed.

Roger, warm welcome to Pointless.

-Lovely to have you here.

-Lovely to be here.

Now, Roger, do you remember,

do you remember when you first became a poet?

Do you remember when you first ever read out a poem

that you had written?

Didn't read it out for a long time,

but I remember writing my first poems when I was about 17 or 18

-at Hull, Hull University.

-Mm-hm?

But you were part of the Merseyside, the Beat poet movement.

Yes. I wouldn't say it was a movement.

In a sense, it was just what we were doing best.

And I remember I was reading a lot of poetry at the time

and became a teacher back in Liverpool

and the poetry I could see around me

didn't really interest the kids.

So, I gave them poems that I was writing, the poems about football,

-about Grandma, about countries beginning with C, F, R.

-I see!

And they enjoyed those and I realised that maybe I was a poet.

There we are. Never looked back. Right, now, Roger,

we are looking for countries that begin with these letters.

All right. Rwanda.

Rwanda, says Roger.

Rwanda. Let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many people of our 100 people said Rwanda.

It is right.

20.

-That's all right.

-20 for Rwanda. Good start to the round.

Well played, Roger.

Very nice start. That's in Africa as well, which is nice.

And it rhymes with a lot.

-It does.

-Quite handy.

Quite a nice country for a poet.

-It is a good one.

-Yeah.

Have a gander at Rwanda.

And Xander.

-I went to Rwanda, I saw a panda.

-No, you weren't.

-Eating Xander!

LAUGHTER

-Now, Kathy.

-Hi.

-Welcome back to the show.

-Thank you.

Now, Kathy, at what stage did you start writing

"occupation author"?

When did you think, "This is what I now do, this is my living"?

Well, I wrote my first book when I was 17, actually,

about growing up as a surfy girl in Australia,

because the boys I grew up with disproved the theory of evolution.

They were evolving into apes.

For example, they used to get us to cut their names out in paper

and sticky-tape them to our stomachs and then sun-bake,

so we'd get a tan tattoo in the shape of their names.

So, yes, I did start very young.

Now, Kathy, what would you like to go for?

Which country would you like to name?

Well, I think I'll go for Chad,

because not many people, I don't think,

-know that it is actually a place in Africa.

-OK, Chad, says Kathy.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Chad.

It's right. 20 is our only score at this point.

You're past 20. 11. Down to 11 for Chad.

Not bad at all, Kathy.

So glad I went out with that guy.

Well played, Kathy. That rhymes with even more.

What a lovely answer. I went to Chad with my dad.

-Yeah. He's bad.

-Yeah.

That was a bit... Yeah. Good!

Thank you very much indeed, Richard. Now, Emma, welcome to Pointless.

Welcome back, I should say.

-Lovely to be here.

-It'd be nice to have another bookend,

-wouldn't it?

-Oh, it would be audacious.

It would be audacious of me to win twice.

Well... So, Emma, you're one of the writers on Danger Mouse.

-Yes!

-So, do you know what's coming up for Danger Mouse?

-I do, but I'm not going to tell you.

-OK. Good, good.

Will...will, erm...the fabulous... I can't remember...

-Jellyfishovitz. That's your name, isn't it?

-Jellyfishovitz.

-Will Professor Jellyfishovitz be returning?

-It's unlikely.

We were very disappointed with the actor.

-All right.

-That's true. That is true.

Now, Emma, countries. Countries beginning with these letters.

Yes, I'm going to go for American Samoa.

Said with such confidence.

Yeah, well, I tell you for why.

It's because I watched a film called Next Goal Wins,

and it's one of the most wonderful documentaries ever

and it's about the American Samoan football team.

OK, American Samoa, says Emma. Let's see if it's right.

Oh, no... Oh, no!

-Oh, no.

-Oh, no.

-Listen, you broke out of Africa

and that's what happens.

Yeah, it's an American territory, I'm afraid.

But I will say, Next Goal Wins, genuinely

one of the greatest documentaries I've ever seen. Oh, it's unbelei...

Even if you don't like sport, you can hate sport,

it's an unbelievable documentary, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Next Goal Wins.

-Yep.

-Brilliant. Thank you.

-So good.

-Thank you. Bryony.

-Hi.

-Welcome to Pointless.

Lovely to have you here.

Now, Bryony, you've done some audacious things in your career

as a journalist. I'm thinking, for example,

you have set off in a dinghy from Scotland

and set sail for the Arctic Circle.

-Yes.

-That was pretty punchy. Just to write an article for it.

I mean, I didn't have anything else to do.

So, I thought, why not?

-And it was kind of a glorified dinghy. It was a rib.

-Still.

It was the first time anyone had done it, would you believe it?

-Amazing.

-No-one had thought to do it before!

-How long did it take you?

-Two weeks.

Wow. To Norway?

Well, yeah, we went to the Lofoten Islands.

Oh, beautiful. The Lofoten Islands!

Bryony, what would you like to go for?

OK, I'm going to go with Fiji.

Fiji, says Bryony.

Fiji, let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Fiji.

There it is.

Now, 11 is our lowest score.

100 our highest. You passed the high score.

And you've passed the lowest score.

Very well done indeed, Bryony.

9. Our first single-digit score.

The best answer of the round so far, Bryony.

Very well played. It begins with F.

-Yes. Fiji.

-If you think about it.

Otherwise it would be Iji.

It's got two I's in it as well.

-It has got two I's.

-Like most of us have!

-Yes, like a lot of us have.

-OK, thanks very much indeed, Richard.

We're halfway through the round. Let's take a look at those scores.

9 was our low score in that pass. Well done, Bryony and Terry.

Looking very strong at this point.

Kathy and Kate looking pretty good on 11 as well.

Then up to 20, Roger and Benjamin.

And then up to 100, Emma and John, I'm afraid.

John, a low score from you would be nice.

But let's see if it's going to be enough.

We'll come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

So, there we are. Terry, now, remember,

we are looking for any country whose name begins with

the letters A, F, R, I or C.

Terry, first, a huge welcome to Pointless.

Did you ever, ever, ever in your wildest dreams

imagine that Horrible Histories

would be the huge, huge behemoth it has become?

Yes.

No, authors are supposed to say, humbly, "Oh, no."

But when you're an author and you write a book,

you always imagine it's the best book ever written.

So, of course you do. Sorry, I've got to be honest.

No, no. That's perfect.

Do you have a favourite period of history?

Is there one period that you think is just rich comic territory?

I like the age I grew up with - the 1950s.

And I once explained this to a little girl and she said,

"The 19... Is that the Middle Ages?"

LAUGHTER

Now, Terry, listen, there you are on 9.

If you can score 90 or less, you are into the next round.

What would you like to go for?

I'll play fairly safe and go for Cuba.

Cuba, says Terry. Cuba. Here is your red line.

If you get below that, you're through.

How many of our 100 people said Cuba?

It's right and you are through.

10. Very well done indeed, Terry.

Takes your total up to 19.

Very nicely played, Terry. Safely through there. 19 points.

-A good score on podium four.

-Very good.

-Thank you. Now, John.

-Yes.

Welcome to Pointless.

Bryony got in a boat and went to the Lofoten Islands

as part of her research. You've actually stood for Parliament twice.

Yes. I think I did as well there as we're going to do here today,

-so...

-LAUGHTER

You last stood in a by-election in 2013.

In Eastleigh. Yes, yes.

Could you maintain another election, as it were?

I might do again at some point.

But let's see.

Let's see if I can get through Pointless first.

OK. One step at a time, John.

OK, there you are. You're the high scorers, I'm afraid, on 100.

We need a low score from you, obviously.

I bet there are some pointless answers.

There might be some close-to-pointless answers.

Yeah, I'm nervous about this one,

but I've got to go for something low.

I'm going to go for Cape Verde,

-or Cabo Verdi as I think they like to be called.

-Cabo Verdi.

Always call them what they like to be called.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Cabo Verdi.

No red line, as I say, because you're the high scorers.

It's right.

I think it's going to be a low one, John.

It's pointless!

Look at that - from one extreme to the other!

That adds £250 to today's jackpot, takes the total up to £2,750.

It scores you absolutely nothing and it leaves your total at 100 points.

You see, you get a Fulham fan on the show, this is what happens.

Suddenly, no-one scores anything.

Yes, used to be the Cape Verdi Islands, now Cabo Verdi.

That's what they call it. And it's a pointless answer.

-Terrific stuff.

-There we are. Kate, welcome to the show.

-Hello, hello!

-Now, you were a publisher before you were a writer.

I was. Yes, poacher turned gamekeeper.

What would your advice be to aspiring writers watching now?

-Pithy advice.

-Pithy advice?

It's sounds ridiculous, but the only thing is, you've got to write.

If you had a quid for everybody who came up to you

and told you about the book they WERE going to write.

-Yeah.

-So, everybody watching, all you can do,

it doesn't matter how long you've got, just put a pad by the kettle,

pen by the kettle. Just describe what the smoke looks like when it's

coming out the kettle and then you can say every day you're a writer.

Very good indeed. You're on 11.

The high scorers remain John and Emma on 100,

which means 88 or less is your target.

What would you like to go for?

I'm going to go for Cameroon.

Cameroon, says Kate.

Cameroon. Here is your red line.

If you get below that with Cameroon - (I think you will) -

you're through to the next round.

How many of our 100 people said Cameroon?

Look at that.

20.

-Taking your total up to 31.

-Very well played, Kate.

Very nice answer.

The only country in the world that's an anagram of "macaroon".

-It's why I went for it, obviously.

-Exactly that.

Benjamin, welcome back.

-Hello.

-Welcome back.

Now, as a self-confessed troublemaker,

You're now listed by the Times

as one of the 50 most important post-war writers.

You're now a professor at Brunel.

You're very much at the heart of the Establishment now, Benjamin.

Did you ever imagine this was going to happen?

It's interesting.

To a certain extent, I think, what I do, I want to inspire other people.

So, if that inspires other people, then so be it.

I think creative people

can get their creativity from so many places.

But the most important place is yourself,

so it's about inspiring people.

It not about the qualifications you have.

No. No, indeed.

But I suppose it's good.

The Establishment is a better place now because it has you amongst it.

Ah!

Anyway, there we are! Now, what are you going to go for?

Going red now.

What would you like to go for, Benjamin?

It's interesting. All the ones that I fancied have been taken.

So, I'm going to go for Ivory Coast.

Ivory Coast, says Benjamin. Here is your red line.

If you can get below that red line, nice and high,

you are through to Round Two.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Ivory Coast.

There you go.

6!

6, our second-best score of the round.

26 is your total.

Very well played, Benjamin. That's another one like Cape Verdi,

Cabo Verdi, in that they call themselves Cote d'Ivoire,

we call them Ivory Coast.

Begins with C or I, whichever way you look at it anyway.

So, great answer. Now, a great pointless answer from John.

There is only one pointless answer on the whole board

-and that's Cabo Verdi, so very, very well played, John.

-Wow.

APPLAUSE

Not bad, is it?

Other low scorers you could have had.

Two for the Comoros Islands.

You would have had four for Costa Rica.

Five for Andorra, seven for Congo and Cyprus.

You'd have got eight for Croatia, Antigua and Barbuda.

Let's take a look at the top three scores,

the ones that most of our 100 people said when we asked them online.

-How about that?

-Look at that.

Thanks very much, Richard. So, at the end of our first round,

the pair we have to say goodbye to with their high score of 100,

I'm so sorry! Please come back and play again.

It's been wonderful having you on the show. Thank you, John and Emma.

APPLAUSE

But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

And so, we're suddenly down to three pairs.

At the end of this round, we'll have to say goodbye to another pair.

You've seen off our only finalists.

-Phew!

-Yeah. And we've seen off the geography round, as well,

-which is quite exciting.

-Another phew!

Of our remaining contestants,

Bryony and Benjamin sticking out for their excellent low score there,

Fiji and the Ivory Coast.

Anyway, best of luck to all three pairs.

Our category for Round Two this evening is...

Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, and the question concerns...

Colourful Films.

-Richard.

-We're going to show you the name of six films,

all of which have a colour in their title.

We're also going to show you the director of those films.

The one thing we've missed out is the colour in the title.

You need to tell us those colours, please.

12 in all to have a go at at home.

-Very best of luck.

-Thanks very much indeed, Richard.

So, we're looking for the missing colour from these film titles.

And here's our first board of six. We've got...

I'm going to read those one last time.

Roger?

I like the film,

so I'll go for burgundy, the bottom one - Anchorman.

The Legend Of Ron Burgundy.

Ron Burgundy. Let's see how many of our 100 people said Ron Burgundy.

Good answer, Roger. Down it goes.

28.

Very nicely played, Roger.

It's a great film, isn't it?

Very good. Thanks, Richard.

-Kathy.

-Well, I adore Woody Allen.

So, I'm going to go for The Purple Rose Of Cairo, obviously,

because Woody Allen likes to shoot from the lip, as do I.

Wonderful. OK, Purple Rose Of Cairo, says Kathy.

Let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people went for purple.

Well, 28 is our only score so far, and you pass it.

Down it goes... 14.

-Marvellous.

-Well done.

-I suddenly thought, "I hope that's right!"

Another good film, another good answer, as well.

You've been in a Woody Allen movie, haven't you?

-I've been in two.

-Two Woody Allen movies.

The two least watched.

Yeah. Anyway, there we are.

Thank you very much indeed. Now, Terry.

Terry, what would you like to go for?

This board, if you like, is all yours.

You could go through it and fill in all the blanks for us.

The violin is...

Most violins are brown.

LAUGHTER

Pretty In Pink is obvious.

And My Blue Heaven is fairly obvious as well.

I'll play safe.

How Green Was My Valley.

How Green Was My Valley, says Terry.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said How Green Was My Valley.

72.

72 for How Green Was My Valley.

Yeah, of the three you knew there, Terry, you picked the middle one.

you did well to avoid Pretty In Pink, that's the big scorer.

Pretty In Pink would have scored you 91 points.

My Blue Heaven would have been a better answer.

Only would have scored you 43.

I think if it was a brown violin,

they'd just call the film The Violin(!) I think.

It is called... You don't know that one?

My Red Violin.

-It's called The Red Violin.

-Sorry. The Red...

-Oh, wow.

Two points for that. Very well done if you said that.

It's a story of a red violin.

Thank you very much, Richard.

We're halfway through the round. Let's take a look at those scores.

14 is where we find Kathy and Kate.

Lovely low-scoring there.

Then up to 28, where we find

Roger and Benjamin.

72 is where we find

Terry and Bryony.

So, yes, Bryony, we need a low score from you in the next pass.

Don't be tempted to go for an easy thing.

-No, obviously.

-You need a low score.

-I know the rules.

-OK.

I know, I know!

-You tell him!

-OK. We'll come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK. We'll put six more films up on the board.

Here they are. We have got...

I'm going to read those all one last time.

-Bryony.

-OK, I'm going to go for this film, because it's quite obscure

and I don't think that many people will have seen it.

-And it's Mood Indigo.

-Mood Indigo, says Bryony.

There's no red line for you, because you're the high scorers,

but let's see how far down that column you can get with indigo.

Well done, Bryony.

Nice low score there. Down it goes.

11. Very well done indeed.

83 is your total.

Yeah, kept yourself in the game there, Bryony.

Michel Gondry. He started as a videos director.

A very good one, as well.

Thanks very much, Richard.

Now, Kate, what would you like to go for?

You want to be scoring 68 or less.

I am so rubbish at this...

I'm going to have to go for Silver Linings Playbook.

Silver Linings Playbook, says Kate.

Here is your red line.

If you can get below that with silver,

you are through to the next round.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said silver.

It's right.

You've done it. Very well done indeed.

Look at that, 33. Nothing to worry about.

Fantastic. 47 is your total.

-Well!

-Well played, Kate.

Yeah, Jennifer Lawrence won the Best Actress Oscar for that film.

Thanks very much, Richard.

-Now, then, Benjamin.

-Hmm.

Benjamin, this board is all yours.

Do you want to talk us through it and fill in all those blanks?

I'm really terrible at films.

I think I probably know one.

But I'm going to go for Jackie Brown.

Jackie Brown, Quentin Tarantino.

Here is your red line.

If you can get below that with Jackie Brown,

you're through to the next round. How many people said brown?

Very well done.

35.

35. 63 is your total.

One of Tarantino's early movies.

Benjamin, well played. Let's fill in the rest of this board.

-She Wore A...

-Yellow.

..Yellow Ribbon. Yep.

John Ford movie.

That would have scored 79.

-County?

-Orange County.

-Orange County, yep.

That would've scored 24.

-And...?

-Lavender.

The Lavender Hill Mob,

wonderful film,

would've scored 54.

So, the best answer on the board, Bryony, if it's any consolation,

was Indigo. So, well played.

Thanks very much, Richard. So, at the end of our second round,

the pair we have to say goodbye to with a high score of 83, I'm afraid,

Bryony and Terry, it is your turn. Your turn to leave us.

-Thank you for having us.

-It's been such a pleasure.

Thank you so much for playing.

It's been lovely having you on.

Bryony and Terry, everyone!

APPLAUSE

But for Kathy and Kate, Roger and Benjamin,

it's now time for our head-to-head.

Congratulations, Kate and Kathy, Roger and Benjamin.

You are now one step closer to the final

and the chance to play for our jackpot,

which is currently standing at...

APPLAUSE

So, now we have to decide who goes through to the final to play for

that jackpot for their charities.

We do that by making you go head-to-head.

You are now allowed to confer before you give the answers.

The first pair to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.

Best of luck to both pairs, let's play the head-to-head.

Here comes your first question.

And our first question today is all about...

Beatles singles. Richard.

We are going to show you five pairs of pictures now and each pair

represents a title of a single released by the Beatles.

Can you tell us the most obscure one, please?

OK. Let's reveal our five picture clues.

And we have got...

CONTESTANT LAUGHS

There we are. Kathy and Kate, you are our low scorers,

so you'll go first.

-You think?

-Hmm.

Well, the number C we like a lot.

But we also think number A

is probably more obscure.

So, we're going with that.

Yeah, we're going with Paperback Writer.

Paperback Writer, say Kate and Kathy.

Roger and Benjamin, that board's all yours.

Do you want to talk us through all of the others?

Obviously, B is Yellow Submarine.

We Know E is Helter Skelter.

-Lady Madonna.

-Lady Madonna.

-Let's go for Lady Madonna.

-Yeah.

Lady Madonna.

Lady Madonna. So, there's Paperback Writer and Lady Madonna.

Kathy and Kate went for Paperback Writer.

Let's see if that's right for A. Let's see how many people said it.

Very well done indeed.

10!

APPLAUSE

10 for Paperback Writer.

Roger and Benjamin have gone for Lady Madonna for C.

Let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Lady Madonna.

It's right.

-Ah...

-51.

APPLAUSE

51. Well done, Kate and Kathy. After one question, you are up 1-0.

So, gents, nothing you could have done there.

It's the best answer on the board, Paperback Writer.

Nothing you could have done at all.

I was confused for a while because I thought that was Colonel Sanders.

-LAUGHTER

-I genuinely had trouble.

It's not Colonel Sanders, it's the writer, Ernest Hemingway.

B is of course Yellow Submarine.

What do you think Yellow Submarine scored?

I'd like to think in the 90s.

-96, maybe?

-Let's take a little look.

-90.

-90.

-That's in the 90s!

-That's good.

-Yep.

D, you have to know who they are.

-If I tell you the second one is Diane Lane...

-Oh...

-The first one was Penny Lancaster.

-Very good.

-Penny Lane.

It would have scored more than

Paperback Writer,

it would have scored 11 points.

And E is not Helter Skelter,

not Helter Skelter from '65.

It's Ticket To Ride, yeah.

That would have scored 61 points.

Thanks very much indeed.

So here comes your second question.

Roger and Benjamin, you get to answer this one first

but you have to win this one to stay in the game, so best of luck.

Our second question today concerns...

LAUGHTER

Cow jokes.

-Richard.

-Over to you, darling.

We are giving you the five set-ups now to cow jokes

and we're giving you alternate letters of the punchlines.

Can you tell us what the punchlines are, please?

Thank you very much indeed.

This is fun. Let's reveal our five cow joke set-ups and here they are.

We've got...

CONTESTANT LAUGHS

I'll read those all again.

Roger and Benjamin will go first.

We'll go for the last one, I think.

An UDDER failure.

An UDDER failure.

An UDDER failure.

OK, Kate and Kathy, what would you like to try?

They are horribly fun, in a weird way, aren't they?

They're pun-tastic.

We're going to go for the second to last one, aren't we?

Yeah. I think so.

It must be BEEF flat.

-It must be. BEEF flat.

-It's obvious.

OK, we have another failure.

I've been through a process of elimination.

It just has to be BEEF flat.

Whoever wrote these jokes has got mad cow disease, I think.

I think so. Roger and Benjamin have gone for an UDDER failure.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many of our 100 people said it.

It's a good answer, look at that, 17.

Very well done, for an UDDER failure.

Kate and Kathy have gone for BEEF flat, let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many people said it.

It's right.

-Oh!

-32.

APPLAUSE

32, which means well done, Roger and Benjamin, you are back in the game.

After two questions, it's 1-1.

Yeah, let's fill in these other three jokes.

What is it called when one cow spies on another?

-STEAK out.

-A STEAK out.

That would have scored 19.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

-GROUND beef.

-GROUND beef.

I just...

Oh, that's so tasteless.

I like that one.

And what happened to the lost cattle?

-Nobody's HERD.

-Nobody's HERD.

That scored 43.

So the best answer on the board is ground BEEF.

Hmm... There we are, thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So here's your third question.

Whoever wins this goes through to the final

and plays for that jackpot. Best of luck to both pairs.

Our third question today is all about...

Sir Ian McKellen. Richard.

Five clues now to facts about Sir Ian McKellen.

Whichever team gives us the most obscure answer

will play for that jackpot, so very best of luck to everybody.

OK, let's reveal our five clues and here they are.

We've got...

I'll read those one last time.

Kathy and Kate, you'll go first this time.

Which is the most obscure?

-Yeah.

-Shall we go for that one?

We know that one.

We'll go for that one.

We're going to go for Widow Twankey

in Aladdin.

Widow Twankey, say Kate and Kathy,

Widow Twankey. Now, Roger and Benjamin,

do you want to take us through the rest of these Ian McKellen facts?

Erm...

The Master for number one.

Character of the X-Men, he played the Master.

-That's the one you're going to go for?

-Yeah.

-The Master.

So we have Widow Twankey and the Master.

Kathy and Kate said Widow Twankey.

Let's see if that is right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said it.

It's right.

I saw it.

22.

APPLAUSE

Roger and Benjamin have said

he played the Master in the X-Men series of films.

Let's see if that's right, let's see how many people said it.

Oh. Not the Master.

I thought that was the Master's pose!

I'm afraid an incorrect answer,

which means, Kate and Kathy, very well done.

After three questions, you are through to the final, 2-1.

Great head-to-head. Well played, both pairs.

We'll fill in the board.

-The character in the X-Men series of films is Magneto.

-Yes.

30 points for that. Let's go down the bottom now.

The character he played in The Hobbit was...?

-BOTH: Gandalf.

-Gandalf. Yeah.

It would have scored 47.

The soap opera - anyone?

-BOTH: Coronation Street.

-Corrie. Yep.

-It's like hearing a choir.

-It's the only one we could do.

39. They're not joining in on this one.

This is the hardest one on the board. This would've won the point.

-The British singer was George Ezra.

-Ah.

-George Ezra.

-That's nice.

It would have scored you eight points.

Very well done if you said that at home.

Excellent. So the pair leaving us at the end of the head-to-head round,

I'm afraid it's Roger and Benjamin.

I'm so sorry.

Please come back and play again

and let's hope next time you will be

through to the final and lifting the trophy but, meantime,

thanks very much for playing, Roger and Benjamin.

APPLAUSE

But for Kate and Kathy, it's now time for our Pointless final.

Well, congratulations, Kate and Kathy,

you have fought off, rustled off,

all the competition and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.

You now have a chance

to win our Pointless jackpot for your nominated charities

and at the end of today's show, the jackpot is standing at £2,750.

Amazing.

OK, now, as always, you get to choose your category.

This is what happens in the final round.

We put four categories up on the board.

Today's selection of options look like this, and we have got...

You choose, you choose.

Oh, God!

-1983.

-1983? Surely a good choice.

-Richard.

-Very best of luck, three very different questions here.

Hopefully one of these suits you.

We're looking for the name of anyone who was appointed

-in Margaret Thatcher's Cabinet, post election, in 1983,

-Oh, oh.

We're looking for any of the cast of the first series

of The Black Adder,

or we're looking for any of the acts on the very first

-Now That's What I Call Music album.

-Aw...

-Which was released in '83.

Very, very best of luck.

Now, you can't say that's not fun.

-That's fun.

-It is fun.

You've got up to one minute to come up with three answers.

All you need to win that jackpot for your charities

is for just one of those answers to be pointless.

-Are you ready?

-OK.

-Yes.

-OK, let's put 60 seconds on the clock.

There they are, your time starts now.

So with the cast of Black Adder, we can't do him,

-because he's famous.

-Miranda Richardson.

-Was she in the first one, though?

-I don't know.

Was it the cast of all the Blackadders?

No, it's that first series.

So she's Queenie.

-Was that the first one?

-I don't know. That's true.

-Tony Robinson was in it.

-Let's do Tony Robinson.

The man with the long neck who had the big ruff.

-Oh, yes.

-Tim McInnerny.

Was the Elizabethan one the first one?

I'm not sure. Stephen Fry was in that.

-Stephen Fry.

-What if it's not the Elizabethan one?

What about post-election Cabinet?

-Heseltine.

-Her first one.

Norman Tebbit.

No, I don't think...

But that man she... You know?

What?!

Parkinson. She must have met him somewhere.

Ten seconds left.

Which one shall we do?

-And...

-Let's do that Tony Robinson from Black Adder.

Let's do Heseltine or Parkinson or the first one...

That is your time up, I'm afraid.

I now need your three answers.

If you could say which category you're answering,

just so I don't confuse Cabinet members with Black Adder.

-Although...

-Hard to see!

So, cast of the first Black Adder, Tim McInnerny and Tony Robinson.

And post-election Cabinet, Heseltine.

-OK.

-For the Cabinet...

-First name?

-Michael.

Of those three, which is your best shot at a pointless answer?

-Tim McInnerny.

-Black Adder.

-Tim McInnerny we'll put last.

Least likely to be pointless?

-Heseltine.

-Heseltine. Tony Robinson in the middle.

OK, let's pop those up on the board in that order. Here they are.

We've got Michael Heseltine, Tony Robinson and Tim McInnerny.

So three good answers on the board.

Now, if one of these works out to be pointless and you win that jackpot

for your charities, that would be a wonderful thing.

What charities are you playing for?

-Kate, you first.

-I'm playing for the Parkinson's Society

because my very wonderful, lovely dad,

who, with my mum, made it possible for me to do anything I wanted,

suffered from Parkinson's for ten years,

and when he died, instead of having flowers and things,

it all went to the Parkinson's Society,

and my mum did the same, so I'd love them to have a boost

-and a bit more support.

-Wonderful.

Kathy, how about you?

I'm today playing for Ambitious About Autism,

because my son is autistic and what he's taught me, of course,

is that there's no such thing as normal and abnormal,

there's ordinary and extraordinary,

so Ambitious About Autism is my choice today.

Fantastic. Well... two wonderful charities there.

Let's hope you can win that jackpot for those charities.

Now, your first answer was Michael Heseltine.

In this case, we were looking for post-1983

Mrs Thatcher Cabinet members.

This, you thought, was your least likely to be pointless.

If it is pointless, it will win you £2,750 for your charities.

Let's see how many people said Michael Heseltine.

-It's right.

-Phew!

All it has to be now is pointless and you will win that jackpot.

Down it goes, Michael Heseltine going down into the teens,

down into single figures, still going down, still going down.

3! That's a wonderful answer.

Fabulous score.

-Sadly, not a pointless answer.

-No.

Which means you only have two more shots at today's jackpot.

Let's hope nobody said your next answer, which was Tony Robinson.

In this case, we were looking for the cast members of the original

Blackadder series, The Black Adder.

It has to be pointless for you to win that jackpot of £2,750.

Let's see how many people said Tony Robinson.

It's right.

Michael Heseltine took us all the way down to 3.

Tony Robinson, will he take us down that far?

No, I'm afraid he won't, 34.

-And this might be wrong.

-Oh, it might be wrong.

So not a pointless answer,

which means everything is now riding on your third and final answer,

-your most confident answer, you felt.

-Not really.

-No.

Tim McInnerny.

This is the one you decided to put last anyway, shall we say?

If this is right, and if it goes down to the bottom of the column,

you will leave with £2,750 for your charities.

Tim McInnerny. How many people said it? Is it right?

It is right.

So your first answer, Michael Heseltine, took us down to 3.

Tony Robinson took us down to 34.

Tim McInnerny now taking us down into single figures, down it goes.

Passes 3! Down to 1!

-Oh.

-Oh...

-That's so mean.

That is mean.

I'm afraid you didn't manage to find that all-important pointless answer,

so I'm afraid you don't win today's jackpot of £2,750.

-However...

-We didn't humiliate ourselves!

..as it's a celebrity special

and each of you were playing for a charity,

we're going to donate £500 to each celebrity pair

-for their respective charities.

-Thank you.

It has been wonderful having you on. Thank you so much.

And remember, you get to take home a Pointless trophy.

THEY CHEER

He's in that first series, he plays Percy, Tim McInnerny.

Let's look at the post-election Cabinet.

A couple of names you suggested.

Cecil Parkinson would have scored you 9, Norman Tebbit 6.

But there will be some names you remember,

even if it's just from Spitting Image.

Up here, let's take a look at some pointless ones,

Jim Prior was a pointless answer, Keith Joseph, Lord Hailsham,

Norman Fowler. You could have had George Younger, John Biffen,

John Wakeham, Michael Jopling, you could have had Patrick Jenkin,

Peter Rees, Peter Walker or Tom King -

all of those were pointless answers.

-Very well done if you said any of those at home.

-All men!

We will take a look at Black Adder now.

-Angus Deayton was in that series.

-Angus Deayton!

Frank Finlay, Patrick Malahide, Stephen Frost and Mark Arden,

his comedy partner, both pointless answers.

The only people that scored points in that -

Rowan Atkinson, of course, he would have scored you 83.

We've had Tony Robinson. Brian Blessed, Rik Mayall, Peter Cook,

Miriam Margolyes would have scored. Elspet Gray,

Robert East and Jim Broadbent. Every other character,

every other actor in that series was a pointless answer.

Well done if you got one.

Now the acts on Now That's What I Call Music,

which I have to admit I bought at the time.

-Bonnie Tyler.

-My favourite!

-Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

Limahl was on there, Tina Turner, Tracey Ullman, Heaven 17,

KC and the Sunshine Band, Rock Steady Crew, Simple Minds,

The Cure and Will Powers, all of those are pointless answers.

Very well done if you got those at home.

Congratulations on winning our writers special,

-our clever people special.

-Yes, very, very impressive.

And one point away from that jackpot win as well, terrific performance.

Thank you very much, Richard.

Kathy, have you come up with a pun to cover this episode of Pointless?

I think, watch at your own risque.

LAUGHTER

Join us next time,

when we'll be putting more obscure knowledge to the test on Pointless.

-Meanwhile it's goodbye from Richard.

-Goodbye.

And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE