Episode 8 Pointless Celebrities

Thank you very much indeed.

Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong

and welcome to this criminal edition of Pointless Celebrities,

the show where the aim of the game is to score as few points

as you can, and you do that by coming up with the answers

that no-one else can think of.

Let's meet today's Pointless celebrities.

-And couple number one.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello. Allo-allo-allo!

I'm Lisa Maxwell and I played Detective Inspector Sam Nixon

on The Bill for seven and a bit years.

And I'm Mark Wingett, I was PC Jim Carver on The Bill

and I was her henchman.

-And couple number two.

-Hi, I'm Jim - I'm Jack Ellis, and, eh...

I think I am.

And I played Jim Fenner, the nasty screw in Bad Girls.

And this is Helen Fraser, who played Sylvia Hollamby,

better known as Bodybag.

Oh, she didn't like that!

And couple number three.

I'm Sue Cook, I'm guilty of having presented a few radio

and TV programmes in my time, including Crimewatch,

and I'm now writing novels.

I'm on my third one, having problems with it.

ALEXANDER AND RICHARD LAUGH

Well, I'm Donal MacIntyre, I'm an investigative reporter

and I'm happy to help out any of those problems, any time.

And finally, couple number four.

I'm Mark Billingham and I'm a crime novelist.

I'm Laura Wilson and I'm also a crime novelist.

Thank you very much indeed.

These are today's contestants.

We'll get to know more about all of you throughout the show.

So that just leaves one person for me to introduce, only here

because the audience had a whip-round to pay his bail.

-It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.

-Hiya.

Hi, everybody. Hiya, evening.

-Good evening to you.

-Good evening to you.

-This is fun, isn't it?

-A crime special.

-Yeah.

-The thing is though,

we've got actors who play police officers,

we've got actors who play prison officers,

we've got TV presenters who've fought crime,

we've got two of our finest British crime writers as well

- we've got no actual criminals.

That seems an oversight. Could we not book a couple of jailbirds?

We've got some criminals who maybe haven't been caught yet.

That's true, that is true.

Once when I moved I didn't move my television licence to my

new address for about two weeks.

-That's quite bad, isn't it?

-That is bad.

-But I put it right eventually.

Great show tonight, Round Three, in our head-to-head tonight,

if you make it through, we've got a brand-new type of round.

-Ho-ho, what's that going to be?

-It's not... I can't tell you.

-Is it murder investigation?

-I can't tell you. It's called jeopardy.

You say something at the start of a show to keep people watching.

-It's going to be AMAZING.

-Huh, thanks you very much indeed, Richard.

Now, all our questions on Pointless have been asked

to 100 people before the show.

As ever, the aim of the game is to find a pointless answer,

one that none of our 100 people gave,

and each time that happens we will add 250 quid to the jackpot.

As today's show is a celebrity special and each of our celebrities

is playing for a nominated charity, we start off with a jackpot of...

Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

OK, the pair with the highest score

at the end of the round will be eliminated.

And do remember, there is to be no conferring during the round itself.

Our first category today is...

LAURA WHIMPERS

Can you all decide in your pairs,

who's going to go first, who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, let's find out what the question is.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many...

Yeah, we're looking for any country that has 25 or fewer people

per square kilometre. That's according to the UN.

Just to give you an idea, there's about 45 to 50 countries on this,

lots of countries on there. Lots of pointless answers as well.

So any countries where there is an awful lot of room please,

or very few people.

Thank you very much indeed.

Mark and Lisa, you all drew lots before the show

and today you are going to go first.

Mark, you're going to get the ball rolling.

Jim Carver of course. Now, Jim, he was a troubled soul, wasn't he?

-He had his problems.

-Yeah, he attracted plotlines like a magnet.

-He had his gambling, he had...

-Alcoholism.

So when you left The Bill, bit of a relief, I should think.

Well, I missed everybody, but it was good fun, time to go really.

And since then, you've done some stage directing, haven't you?

I have, yep, some comedies, a lot of stage work,

a few feature films, bits and pieces.

-And you were in Quadrophenia.

-Yes.

-Long time ago.

-Lest we forgot.

Dave. Fantastic.

Well, Mark, here we are.

We're looking for the least densely-populated countries.

-What are you thinking of?

-Alaska.

That's a state, sorry. That's a state.

Greenland.

I'm going to have to take your first answer, Mark, I'm so sorry.

Really unlucky. Alaska, erm, let's see what happens with Alaska.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-Does that mean it's wrong then?

It means you score the maximum of 100 points. However,

that may very well not be the last 100 points scored this round,

-so it may not all be over.

-I bet we will see more hundreds.

Very tough on that first podium,

you knew immediately it's a state, Alaska.

-If it's any consolation, Greenland's not a country either.

-Oh.

-That would have been wrong too.

-That's all right!

Also...Alaska's rammed. Standing room only there.

LAUGHTER

-Skyscrapers everywhere. It's like Hong Kong.

-Yeah.

Now, Jack.

-Welcome to Pointless.

-Thank you.

-Great to have you, obviously Jim Fenner in Bad Girls.

-I was.

But your CV, the TV credits there are fantastic -

Inspector Morse, Lewis, Prime Suspect...

-I only had one line in Morse, but I was in it.

-Who cares?

It's on your CV, Jack.

But Prime Suspect you were a regular character in.

I was, yes, I was DI Muddyman.

-And what are up to these days?

-Well, I'm currently...

This is going to sound very strange.

I'm working with a group called the Acrobatique Groupe de Tanger,

which sounds very esoteric.

They're a bunch of acrobats from Morocco and it's me and them.

-Do you do any acrobatics yourself?

-I think I will be.

-That's fun.

No, they'll be throwing me around, which I think

most of the audience of Bad Girls will be quite pleased about.

And that's going on tour, is it?

-Hopefully all over the world, but we'll see how it goes.

-Fantastic.

Touring the world - how good is your world geography?

Pretty limited, but I'll go for Congo.

Congo, let's see if that's right and if it is,

how many of our 100 people said that.

It's right.

Brilliant!

Very well done indeed, Jack, two for Congo.

Well played, Jack. Yeah, only 12 per square kilometre.

That is roomy, isn't it?

Donal, welcome to Pointless, great to have you.

An investigative journalist.

Most of us when we finish work, we can leave it and go home.

I'm imagining, investigative journalism,

it's quite hard to go home and not take it with you.

-Actually, not have it follow you home.

-That's the point!

-I've had my fair share, and they still keep coming.

-Oh, do they?

Yeah, they do, the worst is the football hooligans, and honestly,

I never credited them with the memory that would last 13 years.

But still they keep coming. Anyway, it's all fine now.

This was your work with, what are they called,

-the Chelsea Headhunters?

-Yeah, the Chelsea Headhunters.

-Do you still have the tattoo?

-I do.

-That's commitment, isn't it?

-Really is.

-You had that tattoo done, remember?

-Oh, yeah, that's a good one.

You still got that?

Yeah, I've got a full-body tattoo of Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

-Now, Donal.

-Mongolia.

-Let's see if that's right and if it is,

how many of our 100 people said Mongolia.

Yes, actually the least densely-populated country

in the world. 1.7 people per square kilometre.

Give you an idea, Islington has 14,000 per square kilometre.

That's one of the main differences between Islington and Mongolia.

LAUGHTER

Although there are more Mongolian barbecue restaurants

in Islington than Mongolia.

Thanks, Richard. Laura, welcome to Pointless.

The Lover and Stratton's War among your novels,

-but you also teach writing, don't you?

-I do, yeah.

You do an MA course in crime thriller writing. That's right.

Rich and I, we've done our first two books,

and we haven't yet came up with an idea for the third one...

-We haven't, they weren't quite thrillers though.

-They weren't

-so much, but I'm thinking maybe the third one might be.

-Good idea.

-The first were more lists of funny things.

-Yeah.

-Rather than crime.

I mean, some people might call them crimes, but they weren't about crime.

But what particularly do you teach in crime thriller writing?

Plot and suspense and characterisation -

and I have to say this - increasingly, grammar.

Why wouldn't you teach that in normal writing,

is that particular to crime writing?

No, it isn't, but it's always nice

-when people can construct a sentence.

-Important, important.

Who's the greatest crime thriller writer of all, in your opinion?

Apart from Mark and yourself.

Well, obviously, Mark aside, they did a poll recently

-and it was Agatha Christie.

-And do you agree?

-And who I am to disagree?

-Oh, you do disagree, don't you?

-I'm not sure I do actually.

Wonderful plots.

-Always intriguing.

-Now then, Laura, what are you going to go for?

Lesotho.

Let's see if that's right,

let's see how many of our 100 people said Lesotho.

-Oh...

-Oh.

Oh, unfortunately, for some reason that we'll soon discover,

that is an incorrect answer,

which means you score the maximum of 100 points.

Yeah, I'm afraid not one of the least densely-populated countries,

I don't know what else to say.

It's got more than 50 people per square kilometre.

-It's got around about 70.

-OK, thanks, Richard.

We're halfway through the round, let's take a look at those scores.

Two, the best score of that pass. Very well done, Jack.

Puts you and Helen in a very strong position.

Up to 17, where we find Donal and Sue.

Then up to 100, where we find Laura and Mark B,

and Mark W and Lisa.

So it is between you, Mark B and Lisa, to decide who will be

staying at the end of the round and who will be leaving us.

Very best of luck. We're going to come back down the line,

can the second players please step up to the podium?

-Mark, welcome to Pointless.

-Thank you.

Lovely to have you here.

Of course, best known for the Tom Thorne series of novels.

-That was made for television, wasn't it?

-Yes, it was.

-Sky made it.

-Yes.

With David Morrissey in the lead role.

How is that, as a writer, having something televised?

Slightly uncomfortable? A world that you've visualised quite vividly.

Yeah, but they're very different animals, books and TV shows,

and you have to kind of step back.

There's always that thing, "Oh, what do you think

"of what they did to your book?" And you go,

"They did nothing to my book, here's the book, it's exactly the same."

And David Morrissey was brilliant in the part.

No, I was very happy with it.

And before you were writing, you were a comedian and actor.

-Yes, in a past life.

-The first human to appear on Spitting Image.

I was. They did a bizarre series of sketches where a box of puppets

fell off the back of a truck and escaped into the real world,

and I played various kind of football hooligans and coppers,

interacting with Mr Spock and David Steel and whoever else - puppets.

Well, Mark, there you are, it's between you

and the first podium here,

so we need a low-scoring answer to take you through to the next round.

This is probably a very stupid answer,

I'm thinking a big country, with a lot of space on it.

-I'm going to take a punt on Canada.

-Canada, says Mark.

No red line for you as you're the joint highest scorers,

but let's see how many of our 100 people said Canada.

It's right.

30 for Canada, maybe that's enough to see you through.

Well-played, Mark, very sparsely populated,

3.4 people per kilometre in Canada.

In St Paul, Canada, they've got the world's first UFO landing pad,

they've built a landing pad.

That's nice. What letter do they put in the middle, I wonder?

That's a good question. Whatever the alien for H is.

Well, that's a helicopter, they wouldn't come in a helicopter.

-Aliens? Yeah, they would.

-That'd be madness. Through the atmosphere?

-Yeah.

-They'd come in a UFO.

-Yeah, but a helicopter one.

-UFO, spelt U.

Oh, see what you mean. LAUGHTER

There we are, thank you very much, Richard. Sue, welcome to the show.

Oh, Crimewatch...but actually, Nationwide, let us not forget,

and BBC Breakfast as well.

-Perfect training for Pointless, perfect.

-I suppose you're right.

All the things you've learnt,

all the things you must have soaked up over the years.

I always used to say I learned

a little bit about a lot of things, but not a lot about anything.

And tell me this - did you ever get nightmares from Crimewatch?

-LAUGHTER

-No, not really.

I left it behind in the car driving back over the Westway.

Did you check the car before you got into it?

No, probably should have done, but...

OK, Sue, there you are, you're on 17.

The good news is, you are through to the next round come what may.

Even if you score 100 points you won't overtake

Mark and Laura on 130.

A bit of a relief, but let's have a nice low score.

OK, erm...

Maybe lots of people have said this. Anyway, I'll say it, the Falklands.

No red line for you as you're already through,

but let's see how many of our 100 people said the Falklands.

Ooh, bad luck, Sue, afraid that's an incorrect answer.

Scores you the maximum of 100 points, takes your total up to 117.

-Is that cos it's not a country?

-Yeah, not a country, Sue, I'm afraid.

-I don't know who it belongs to.

-No.

-Believe there's some dispute.

Thanks very much indeed.

Helen, great news for you as well,

you are also through to the next round.

-Isn't that nice?

-A miracle!

So there you are on two. Helen, yes, Bodybag.

Mrs Hollamby, please. She never answered to Bodybag.

Helen, I couldn't believe it.

She's the nicest person I think I've ever met on this show.

-You must be such a good actress.

-Ah, well.

-Oh, she was terrifying.

-Yes.

But you were in loads of comedies,

some of the most wonderful comedies, weren't you?

Yes, Dick Emery's daughter for seven series, On the Buses, Rising Damp,

-Two Ronnies - you name it, I was there.

-Fantastic.

And what are up at the moment, about to do a tour, aren't you?

Well, I've just toured Calendar Girls, which was wonderful.

It's the only play I've been in where

they're queuing on a Monday night for returns.

-Lovely.

-It was such a pleasure to do.

-How long was the tour?

-16 weeks.

-Cor.

-I got to know England and the M6 very well.

-I bet.

Here we are. As I say, you're already through,

but for fun, let's see if we can find a nice low score.

Well, geography's not my best subject, but they've all been

very hot countries, so I'm going to go cold and say Finland.

No red line cos you're already through,

but let's see how many of our 100 people said Finland.

It's right.

That's a great answer. Five, Helen.

Takes your total up to seven. Our lowest total by hundreds.

Well played, Helen, very good answer, yeah.

A quarter of Finland lies above the Arctic Circle,

-so very few people live in there.

-Mmm.

Thank you, Richard. Lisa, now, this is where we have a game.

SHE SNIGGERS AND ALEXANDER SIGHS

-OK.

-This is very exciting, but, Lisa, obviously...

Before we say goodbye.

You were Sam Nixon in The Bill, which is what links you all,

the crime element.

But...probably best known to people nowadays as a loose woman.

I think so, probably, yes.

Some of us are looser than others, it has to be said.

LAUGHTER

You were in EastEnders briefly this year, weren't you?

Yes, I did a little guest role in the summer

when the David Wicks character came back.

-I played his girlfriend, Naomi.

-That's fun.

-Yeah, I thought you were horrible.

-Did you?

Yeah, I mean, you're very good at being horrible.

-Yeah, she was a little bit unstable.

-Wasn't she?

-Yeah, but I like to think she had a terrible life.

-Might she come back?

She'll be an occasional guest, pep it up a bit.

-She'd be a good character, wouldn't she?

-Yeah.

-I think so.

And also, I read somewhere that you were in the running to play

Daphne Moon in Frasier, is that true?

I was, yeah, I lived in LA at the time,

and I had a meeting with the producers of Cheers,

who were making a pilot spin off for Kelsey Grammer called Frasier,

-and it was between me and, erm...

-Jane Leeves.

I've blotted her from my memory!

It's OK, it's not like it was a bit hit or anything(!)

Anyway, Lisa, you have to score 29 or less

to get through to the next round.

You've had a little bit of time to think of a really good

sparsely-populated country.

I should have a really good answer, cos I have had time.

Finland was one of mine,

and then I was thinking along the same principles of Mark

with a large country with lots of land that people couldn't fill up,

so I was thinking Australia, being a large place with open space,

and then I thought of Borneo, which I think is a country.

I'm going to take a punt... I can't think of anyone anywhere else.

-..and go with Borneo, but it might...

-OK, here's your red line.

Get below that red line with Borneo and you are in Round Two.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Borneo.

Ooh, no! Bad luck, Lisa. I'm sorry.

-Is it a country?

-It's not, I'm afraid, that's the issue.

Scores you 100 points. Takes your total up to 200. I'm sorry.

If it makes you feel any better, if you'd said Australia,

-it would have scored you 49.

-Right, so it would have been high anyway.

It would indeed, a real shame.

There's a few pointless answers, let's take a look.

You'd have done very well to get one of these, tough question.

-Belize.

-Belize!

-Yep.

-Don't know why I did that, I wouldn't have got it!

"Oh, Belize, yes, that old favourite."

-Just say that after all of them.

-"Oh, Bhutan, yeah."

-"Oh, Equatorial Guinea."

-"Oh, it was right there."

-"I know, I know."

-All of those pointless. Gabon, Guyana and...

-Oman.

LAUGHING: All of those are pointless.

Can't believe nobody said Turkmenistan and Uruguay,

what are you thinking?

Other low-scorers, one point for Angola, Botswana,

Paraguay, Solomon Islands, Zambia, Somalia.

Vanuatu, Congo, Bolivia all scored two.

-Papua New Guinea scored two...

-I was going to say Papua New Guinea!

I really was, and I wasn't sure if that was a country either.

Yeah, it totally is.

And it's a sparsely populated one as well. That's the...

Kazakhstan, Algeria, South Sudan and Chad all would have scored three,

so there's lots of low scorers out there,

and top three answers...we've just heard the top two,

but Iceland would have scored you 24 and seen you through,

and there's Canada with 30 and Australia on 49.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard.

So at the end of our first round, I'm afraid the pair heading home

with their high score of 200, I'm sorry, it's Lisa and Mark.

-Aww.

-I'm so sorry, far too soon to be saying goodbye to you.

-Yeah, we were just getting a flow on.

-Yeah.

-Storm surge.

-Come back and play again, it's been lovely having you.

Thank you so much for playing - Lisa and Mark.

-Good luck.

-Good luck.

But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

So three pairs remain.

At the end of this round we'll have to say goodbye

to another pair in time for our head-to-head round.

Helen and Jack, what a great performance in that first round.

Good job, cos if you'd been the high-scorers,

I think I'd have been too scared to throw you off.

We're very nice really, aren't we?

I know, you are, you keep wrong-footing me.

And quite close at the other end of the spectrum as well, I think,

Mark and Laura, you were the highest-scoring

of our remaining pairs, and then came Donal and Sue.

Anyway, I think it's going to be a very exciting second round.

Best of luck to all three pairs. Our category for Round Two is...

Can you all decide in your pairs

who's going to go first, who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, and the question concerns...

On each pass we're going to give you the names of six hit singles,

you just need to give us the name of the band

who had a hit with these singles.

All these bands contain some term referring to weather

or temperature or something like that.

So six hit singles on each pass, just give us

the name of the band who had a hit with one of these.

-12 in all to have a go at at home.

-Thanks very much indeed.

We are looking for the bands who had hits with these...

And all these bands' names contain meteorological terms.

Helen.

HE LAUGHS

How are you finding this, Helen?

Well, it's not a good subject for me, I'm afraid.

I belong to Frank Sinatra. That was my era really.

So I'm afraid we'll be going out. I really...

I can't think of a single name!

Boogie Wonderland, Ice Babies.

-The Ice Babies.

-Mmm.

OK, let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many people said the Ice Babies for Boogie Wonderland.

No, I'm sorry, Helen.

An incorrect answer scores you the maximum of 100 points.

I'm sorry, Helen. Good name for a band though,

if no-one's got that already. Sure someone will nick it.

It's a shame you don't belong to Dank Sinatra,

that would have been a good answer.

Now then, Sue.

-Sue.

-Don't know about you, I don't know any.

-Oh, no, is this bad for you as well?

-Yes.

There's only one I can guess at.

I'm not sure that's right, and that's, erm, Run...

This is because the only recent band I know

of with a wintry title is Snow Patrol.

-And that is what you're going to say?

-Snow Patrol for Run.

You're going to say Run, Snow Patrol. Let's see if that's right.

It's right!

Very well done, Sue.

APPLAUSE

I think somewhere at the back of your mind you must have known that

-but that's a great answer.

-Turned out very nicely, didn't it?

They were the last band ever to appear on Top of the Pops,

in its old form, Snow Patrol. And Run was also a hit for Leona Lewis.

She did a cover version of that song.

Thanks very much.

Now then, Mark, I think you can tidy up here, mop up the board.

There's one that's really annoying me, which is Since You've Been Gone,

which I can sing, but I can't remember who it's by!

Erm, I'm going to go for Boogie Wonderland and say

Earth, Wind and Fire.

Let's see if it's right.

Let's see how many people said Earth, Wind & Fire.

That's a great answer as well. Well done, Mark.

14 for Earth, Wind & Fire.

It was originally going to be called Johnny's Casino Lounge,

rather than Boogie Wonderland,

-which wouldn't have quite had the same effect.

-At all.

14 points for that.

We'll get onto Since You've Been Gone in a moment, Mark.

Just give you another five seconds to see if you can get it.

Ice Ice Baby is by Vanilla Ice.

Would have scored 40. Give It Up...

# Na-na-na-na-na, baby, give it up. #

-KC and the Sunshine Band.

-LAUGHING: KC and the Sunshine Band, yup.

Would have scored you five points. And Love Is All Around...

Wet Wet Wet.

And that would have scored you 51.

Now, Mark, if it was Wet Wet Wet, and we had Sunshine, what would we have?

-Rainbow.

-Rainbow, Since You've Been Gone. Absolutely.

And it would have scored you eight points.

So the best answer up there is KC and the Sunshine Band.

Thanks, Richard. We're halfway through the round.

Let's take a look at those scores. 11 the best of that pass.

Sue, what an inspired piece of answering that was, may I say?

11 puts you and Donal in a strong position.

Then up to 14, where we find Mark and Laura.

Then I'm afraid it's 100 where we find Helen and Jack.

But we're only halfway through the round.

Anything could happen in the next pass.

Very best of luck. We're going to come back down the line.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, let's put six more songs up on the board, and here they are.

I'll read those all again.

Now, remember, we're looking for the bands who had hits with these songs

and all those band names contain a meteorological term.

Laura.

-Telstar.

-Yeah.

Were they called The Tornados?

The Tornados, says...

Wouldn't that be brilliant? That would work.

There you are, you're on 14.

The high score is 100.

If you can score 85 or less, you're in the head-to-head.

Let's see. There's your red line.

If you can get below that with The Tornados...

Is it right?

It is right. Very well done indeed, Laura.

22.

APPLAUSE

36, your total.

Through you go to the head-to-head.

That is a great answer, Laura. Very well done.

You were unlucky with Lesotho, so I'm glad that was right.

It was the first American number one by a British rock group, that was.

-Sold five million copies worldwide.

-Wow.

Thank you, Richard. Now then...

-Donal.

-Mm.

I haven't got a clue.

-Do you have a clue about ANY of them?

-No!

-Really?

-LAUGHING:

-Not a clue.

Um...

So I'm going to pick something with "Stormy" in the title,

cos there's bound to be something with "Stormy" in it.

I'm going to go for Stormy Weather - my own invention -

with Let's Work Together.

Stormy Weather, says Donal. OK.

Here's your red line.

Stormy Weather, obviously, has to be right to get down the column.

Let's see if it is right.

No, I'm afraid...

your luck has run out for now.

That scores you 100 points, takes your total up to 111.

Unlucky, Donal. People sometimes say,

"Oh, do you make the celebrity shows easier than the regular ones?"

-I say that, that's a proper tough board.

-A hard board.

That first round was a tough first round as well.

So this is the measure of any regular edition of Pointless, I would say.

Thank you very much. Now then, Jack.

You're on 100, you were the high scorers at the halfway point

but you've been thrown a lifeline there by Donal.

If you can score 10 or less...

Unfortunately, it's not one I'm going to be able to grab.

The only... I can think of Weather Report as a band that I know.

But I don't think anybody else does.

And I don't think they ever had a hit of anything.

And they were back in the '60s and '70s

and I think they still exist a bit.

Do you know what? I'm going to guess...

I'm going to say Snow Patrol

and I've no idea whether they made this record

but I'm going to suggest that maybe they'd made Paradise in 2011.

-Is that possible?

-OK.

It's possible they did it. It's less possible we'd have brought them back

-on the second board.

-Oh. Oh, is it? Oh, right.

-Well, I can't go back and choose again.

-That's OK.

Well, I'm afraid, no.

I'll take your first answer but I think we'll have to go with that.

But there is your red line.

Who knows? We might have brought them back. You never know.

LAUGHTER

Er, let's see if it is right.

Oh, bad luck.

I'm sorry, Jack.

A really tough board, as Richard said.

I'm afraid that it is another in great answer,

scores you the maximum of 100 points.

Take your total up to 200.

Yeah, Jack, sorry. You're right in terms of era

and you're right in terms of temperature as well.

-Cos Paradise is by Coldplay...

-Oh!

..and would have scored you 13 points.

Um, now, the rest. They're all hot, the rest of them.

Cos We Are The People is by the Australian band, Empire Of The Sun.

Very well done if you said that. It would've scored you five.

Let's Work Together was Canned Heat. That would have scored you nine.

Um...sure lots of people at home would have got You Sexy Thing.

That's by Hot Chocolate.

And that would have scored 48.

And the hipsters at home will be impressing their parents...

Well, they wouldn't be at their parents' if they were hipsters.

Hipsters who are at their parents' house for the weekend

-for some reason...

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

..would've impressed their parents by saying Hot Chip

for Ready For The Floor. That scored one point.

Thanks very much indeed. So, at the end of our second round,

the pair who are heading home with their high score of 200,

I'm afraid it's Jack and Helen. Oh, I'm sorry.

That was a really tough board. That was a tough round, full stop.

-Tough for me.

-Would it have been any better the other way round?

-No.

Helen, you'd have got Hot Chip, wouldn't you? Come on.

No, I don't... No. I'm more into Beethoven, really.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, well, Jack and Helen,

it's been wonderful having you on the show.

Thank you so much for playing. I'm sorry to say goodbye.

But thanks, Jack and Helen.

APPLAUSE

But, for the remaining two pairs, it's now time for the head-to-head.

Congratulations, Mark and Laura, Donal and Sue.

You're now one step closer to the final

and a chance to play for our jackpot,

which currently stands at £2,500.

Now we have to decide who's going to go through to the final

and play for that money.

To do that, you're now going to go head-to-head.

The big difference being that you're now allowed to confer

before you give your answers.

The first pair to win two answers will be playing for that jackpot.

Well, very well done, both pairs. There's been a couple of wobbles.

A couple of wobbles there, Laura - Lesotho. Ooh!

Donal, we had Stormy Weather from you.

Was that right? Stormy Weather? Yeah?

I think, now you can confer,

I think this is going to be incredibly close.

Best of luck to both pairs. Let's play the head-to-head.

APPLAUSE

OK, here comes your first question and it concerns...

This is a new thing we've never done on Pointless before!

It's very, very exciting. Richard.

I thought, as we'd got crime writers versus crime fighters here,

I thought, you know,

"Just do something a little bit different, a little bit unusual,"

So we're going to have an audio round.

Never had an audio round before. Everybody OK with that?

Yeah?

-Donal, contain your excitement, please.

-Good, no...

-OK?

You're shaking too much.

It's difficult for the camera to follow you

if you keep bouncing up and down, OK, with excitement.

We're going to play you now five extracts from TV cop theme tunes.

Can you identify them and tell us the most obscure?

OK, so let's now reveal, aurally...

our-our five TV cop show themes.

And here is A.

BASS AND ELECTRIC GUITARS PLAY A 1970S TUNE

BRASS SECTION JOINS IN

B.

BRASS INSTRUMENTS PLAY A LILTING RIFF

BASS AND DRUMS JOIN IN

C.

DRAMATIC DRUM AND BRASS OPENING

FUNKY BASS LINE JOINS IN

BRASS SECTION PLAYS A FLOWING MELODY

HE SIGHS HAPPILY

It's that bass.

Er...D.

TENSE ELECTRONIC DRUM BEAT LOOPS

Sounded like that one might be broken!

LAUGHTER

And...E.

SOFT PIANO INTRO

PIANO PLAYS LOUDER

ELECTRONIC BRASS SECTION JOINS IN

OK, there we are. Now then.

Mark and Laura, you played best throughout the show so far,

-so you will get to answer first.

-OK, we're going to go B...

I think it was B. ..and say Cagney & Lacey.

B, Cagney & Lacey. B, Cagney & Lacey, say Laura and Mark.

Now, Donal and Sue.

Name as many of the others as you like

and then say which one you want to submit.

-You think C might be Columbo? Do you?

-Mmm. I love Columbo.

You know the answer at the very start,

-but do you know the theme song?

-No.

-I'm going to go for C, Columbo.

You're going to say C, Columbo.

So we have B, Cagney & Lacey, C, Columbo.

Cagney & Lacey say Mark and Laura, let's see if that's right

and how many people said it.

It's right.

-46.

-APPLAUSE

And Donal and Sue have said that C is Columbo, let's see

if that's right and how many people said it if it is right.

Bad luck.

Not Columbo, which means Mark and Laura, very well done,

after one question you're up 1-0.

Well played. Cagney & Lacey theme, written by Bill Conti,

who also wrote the theme music to Rocky. That's quite good, isn't it?

Let's listen to each one and I'll tell you what they are.

That, of course, is The Sweeney.

That would have scored you 55 points.

We know Cagney & Lacey, so C, you thought it was Columbo.

Let's have a quick listen.

It's definitely cool, isn't it?

-It's Kojak.

-Of course, it's Kojak!

That's great music, isn't it? Scored 12 points, Kojak.

D, let's have a listen.

This is the one that sounds like Animal from the Muppets.

-It's NYPD Blue.

-I was going to say Rosemary & Thyme!

RICHARD LAUGHS

Would have been a very good answer, would have scored you two points.

-A terrific answer. It wasn't Rosemary & Thyme.

-No.

-And E...

You'll know this one.

-What do you think?

-Hill Street Blues.

Hill Street Blues is the answer, and that would have scored you 32 points.

Very well done if you got that at home. Best answer was NYPD Blue.

Thanks very much indeed, Richard. Here comes your second question.

Now, Donal and Sue, you have to win this one to stay in the game

but you'll answer it first, so best of luck. It concerns...

Things you find in the bathroom, Richard.

The trouble is, you shouldn't say "Things you find in the bathroom"

to crime writers because the answer is almost always corpse.

We're going to show you five things

you might find in a regular bathroom now

but in anagram form.

Can you unscramble the anagrams and give us the best answer?

Thanks, let's reveal our five things

you might find in a bathroom and here they come.

I'll read those again.

There we are, five things you might find in a bathroom.

Donal and Sue, you will go first.

-Something at the bottom is wash something?

-What's that?

-Washing...

(Toilet...)

THEY WHISPER TO EACH OTHER

I haven't got any. Um...

I'm going to say, um...

Homer soap. Hom soap.

Hom soap?

-I use my hom soap most days.

-It's a good thing to use, certainly.

-OK, which one do you think is that?

-The fourth one down.

The fourth one down is hom soap. Um...OK. Yup, hom soap...

Mark and Laura, do you fancy talking us through the board?

-It'll be a short conversation.

-But at the top we have toothpaste.

And the fourth one down we have shampoo.

Hom soap. It's really hom soap.

That was our second choice.

That's obviously where I've been going wrong,

not using the old hom soap.

-Shall we go for toothpaste?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Number one, toothpaste.

You're going to go for toothpaste.

All right, Donal and Sue went for hom soap.

Let's see...let's see if that's right...

Oh, bad luck. Which means, Mark and Laura, you merely have to be correct

with toothpaste and you are through to the next round.

Yup.

We knew that was right.

-Ooh! That's not bad.

-Wow, 21!

APPLAUSE

Which means, Mark and Laura, after only two questions,

you are through to the final 2-0.

Well played, Laura and Mark, very good answer.

Be honest, Sue, when you left the house this evening,

if I told you you'd be saying "hom soap" on national television,

you'd have gone, "You've gone mental!"

But it is shampoo. The others were right,

would have been a bigger scorer,

would have scored you 36.

Let's take a look at the rest of them.

-Do you know the second one down?

-Deodorant.

-Deodorant, yes.

-That's it though.

-Do you not know the other two?

-Nope.

Let's do the bottom one first.

The middle one is a pointless answer. The bottom one...

-Washer? Um...

-No.

It's shower curtain.

-Ah!

-Would have scored seven.

And this one is a pointless answer, I'm quite surprised.

-Dental floss.

-Ah!

-Pointless answer.

-Very good.

You can kill someone with dental floss,

that would be a good plot for a novel.

The way I would do it is hide their dental floss

so they get gingivitis, and then it gets inflamed,

and then they pass away, that's how I'd kill someone with dental floss.

LAUGHTER

-Slow, painful death.

-It would take a long time,

but that's the kind of criminal I would be.

Thank you very much. Well, at the end of our head-to-head round,

we have to say goodbye to Donal and Sue.

You've done so well up to this point and then I'm afraid this...

Yeah, we didn't give you two very good categories.

Did you like our new listening round, though? Our music round?

I'm not too good at soundtracks and things. I always get them wrong.

So I didn't like it, no.

LAUGHTER

OK, right, there we are!

So if at the end I get killed, you know who the prime suspect is.

Most certainly I do! Donal and Sue, thank you so much,

it's been wonderful having you on the show. Donal and Sue.

APPLAUSE

But, for Mark and Laura, it's time for our Pointless final.

Congratulations, Mark and Laura, you've seen off all the competition

and you've won our coveted Pointless trophy so very, very well done.

You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot.

At the end of today's show, the jackpot stands at £2,500.

APPLAUSE

As two bestselling crime authors,

you couldn't have written a better ending for the show.

You've seen off our crime presenters,

you've seen off our actors.

-You've seen off them all.

-All we need now is the twist.

-The twist in the tale.

-Exactly.

What's the twist going to be, what would you like to be, Laura?

Well, winning the jackpot would be good,

but in the crime novel that wouldn't happen.

-No.

-Because that what you're expecting.

-Stealing the jackpot.

-That would be the obvious thing to do.

-That would be brilliant.

And murdering someone in order to do that, that would be...

-Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

-Let's hope it doesn't!

You have four choices for your quiz category for the final round.

Here they are.

-I fancy Elton John albums.

-Do you?

Yeah. Yeah.

-OK.

-Are you sure?

Nothing else you particularly feel like we should go for?

I've never knowingly seen an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

Good move.

Unfortunately never been to the Caribbean, I'd love to.

-Sport, uh-uh. So, yeah.

-Elton John albums.

Elton John albums it is. Richard.

OK, very best of luck. There's three options now.

Take your answers from any of these.

We're looking for any tracks on the original release

of the Elton John album Caribou.

Any tracks on the original release of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.

Or any tracks on the original release of Don't Shoot Me, I'm Only The Piano Player.

So if you know those albums, you could be in.

-Very, very best of luck.

-OK.

You now have up to one minute to come up with three answers,

and all you need to win that jackpot for your charities

is for just one of those answers to be pointless.

Remember, the answers you give can come from any of these categories

and how you spread them across the categories is up to you,

could be one from each, two from one, one from another,

entirely up to you.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-OK, let's put 60 seconds on the clock.

There they are, your time starts now.

I know the second two albums really well.

So I think I can come up with this.

OK, so Crocodile Rock and that kind of thing?

Yes, but we probably want to be more obscure than that.

OK, there's a track called Harmony on Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.

Don't Shoot Me I'm Only The Piano Player, there's tracks called Elderberry Wine,

Teacher I Need You. I grew up listening to those albums.

-I can't think of any that are better than that.

-OK.

Because everybody is going to say Goodbye Norma Jean,

and Candle In The Wind and Saturday night's All Right For Fighting.

-I think we should go for... Elderberry Wine.

-It wasn't a single?

No, which wasn't a single. Teacher I Need You, which wasn't a single.

And Harmony which is a track on Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, I think.

Are you happy? We'll stop the clock. What about that, stopping the clock,

three excellent answers it sounds like you've got. What are they?

We're going to go for the track Harmony

-from Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.

-Harmony.

And then two tracks from Don't Shoot Me I'm Only The Piano Player,

-Elderberry Wine and Teacher I Need You.

-And Teacher I Need You.

Of those three, which is your best shot at a pointless answer?

-Teacher I Need You.

-Teacher I Need You we'll put last.

Least likely to be pointless?

Harmony, that's probably a better-known album.

OK, Harmony will pop up first.

Let's put those up on the board in that order and here they are.

We've got Harmony, Elderberry Wine and Teacher I Need You.

Well, very best of luck. Your first answer was Harmony.

This was the one you thought was probably least likely to be pointless.

But only one of your answers needs to be pointless

to win your jackpot for charity. What are your charities? Mark?

-Macmillan Cancer Support.

-And yours, Laura?

The Watford Sheltered Workshop.

Excellent, two very good charities there.

APPLAUSE

Let's hope three good answers on the board,

let's hope at least one of those is pointless.

You can win money for your charities.

So, we are looking at Harmony, your first answer,

which you thought was least likely to be pointless.

In this case an album track from Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,

let's find out if it's right and if it's pointless,

it will win you that jackpot.

For £2,500, how many people said Harmony?

-It's right.

-Come on, come on, come on.

If this goes all the way down to the bottom of the column,

you will leave here immediately with £2,500 for your charities.

It's still going down, down it goes, still going...

You've done it!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That is brilliant.

Well done!

Very, very well done. Superb work.

Congratulations. You made that look so easy.

Harmony was a pointless answer which means you leave here

with £2,500 for your charities, very well done, Mark and Laura.

APPLAUSE

That is, that's terrific work, very well played.

You could see in Mark's eyes he knew the category,

which makes it even scarier, a little bit.

If we'd had to go on,

Elderberry Wine would have scored you one point.

If we'd gone even further to Teacher I Need You,

would've scored one point as well.

Harmony was the pointless one up there.

Very well played, terrific stuff.

We love our crime fiction in this country, we've got lots of

very good crime writers as well, you're two of the best.

If you want to buy a Mark Billingham or Laura Wilson book,

I really genuinely recommend it,

both terrific writers and a terrific performance here.

Let's take a look at some of the other pointless answers.

On the different albums.

Caribou tracks, you could have had Dixie Lily, Pinky,

Solar Prestige A Gammon.

Ticking, also a pointless answer on that album.

All sorts of pointless answers on Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,

you could have Funeral For A Friend, Love Lies Bleeding,

This Song Has No Title,

Your Sister Can't Twist (But She Can Rock'n'roll).

You could have had All The Young Girls Love Alice, Dirty Little Girl,

or I've Seen That Movie Too.

You could have had Roy Rogers, Social Disease, Sweet Painted Lady,

all of those pointless answers.

And on Don't Shoot Me I'm Only The Piano Player,

Have Mercy On The Criminal, High Flying Bird,

and I'm Gonna Be A Teenage Idol, the only pointless answers on that album.

Very well played, guys, what a lovely end to a lovely show.

Thanks, Richard. Thanks once again

to our winning players Mark and Laura,

who go away with today's jackpot of £2,500 for their charities.

APPLAUSE

Join us next time

when we'll put more obscure knowledge to the test on Pointless.

-Meanwhile it's goodbye from Richard.

-Goodbye.

And it's goodbye from me, goodbye.