Writers Pointless Celebrities

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed. Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong,

and welcome to this special writers' edition

of Pointless Celebrities - the show where the aim of the game

is to score as few points as you can,

by coming up with the answers no-one else could think of.

Let's meet today's Pointless Celebrities.

APPLAUSE

Couple number one.

I'm Germaine Greer, and I'm working on a new book

to be called Women For Life On Earth.

I'm Kathy Lette, an author.

I'm working on the TV adaptation of my latest book, called In Trouble.

APPLAUSE

Couple number two.

I'm Mark Billingham and I'm a crime writer.

I'm Val McDermid, and so am I.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Couple number three.

I'm Mark Watson, I'm an author, comedian -

one of those sort of people.

And I'm Ian McMillan, I'm a poet and broadcaster

working on a rhyme for purple.

APPLAUSE

And finally, couple number four.

I'm Freya North, and I'm currently working on my 15th novel.

My name is Tony Parsons, and I'm a novelist and a journalist.

APPLAUSE

And these are today's contestants, thanks very much.

We'll get to find out more about all of you throughout the show,

so that just leaves one more person for me to introduce.

Responsible for more head-scratching than nits in a primary school,

-it's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.

-Hiya.

APPLAUSE Evening.

-What a line-up this is.

-I know.

They're frighteningly clever, aren't they?

Millions of books sold over there.

-Millions. Terrifying, isn't it?

-Unbelievable.

Normally on a show like this, the Cheeky Girls or something will be on

and you can rely on someone easy to knock out.

-It's like the group of death up there.

-I know.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

Now, as usual, all of today's questions

have been put to 100 people before the show.

Our contestants here are looking for

those all-important Pointless answers -

those are answers that none of our 100 people gave.

Find one of those and we will add £250 to the jackpot.

As today's show is a celebrity special,

each of our celebrities is playing for a nominated charity.

We start off with a jackpot of £2,500.

APPLAUSE

Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless!

OK, all you have to remember, really, is that the pair

with the highest score at the end of each round will be eliminated,

so just make sure you are not that pair.

And remember, there is no conferring in Rounds One and Two.

Best of luck. Our first category today is...

Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first and second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, let's find out what the question is. Here it comes.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name

as many...countries that begin with

C, O, U, N, T, R or Y as they could.

C, O, U, N, T, R or Y. Richard!

Yeah, any country in the world that's a sovereign state

and a member of the UN in its own right.

We won't accept countries that begin with "Republic of" or "The".

Any other country of the world that begins with one of those letters.

-Very best of luck.

-Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

Germaine, welcome back to Pointless.

You have a new book - do you know when it's going to be out?

Well, I haven't managed to persuade anyone to publish it yet!

-Give me a break...

-Here's your chance!

-What's it about?

-It's called Women For Life On Earth,

which was the slogan of the Welsh women

who were the first to arrive at Greenham Common.

But I think what is really important about feminism in the 21st century

is that it has to be connected with the struggle

to keep life on this planet.

So you're saying in the first chapter someone gets murdered...

No!

I don't do people getting murdered.

Well, there's your publisher problem.

LAUGHTER

I probably do species getting eliminated.

OK, that could work.

Er, Germaine.

Would you like to go for a country

that begins with any of those letters?

Yes. I'll go for Niger.

Niger, says Germaine.

Let's see if Niger is right,

let's see how many of our 100 people said Niger.

It's right.

Look at that! 11! Very well done.

-Boo!

-Good start! Germaine dissatisfied with that,

but it's a good score.

Yeah, very good answer, Germaine, very good start.

-Said it was going to be a good show!

-Mark, welcome back.

-Hello.

-Great to have you back on the show.

-Thank you.

-I want to ask you about

this The Other Half project you're doing at the moment.

-My detective likes country music because

-I

-like country music,

which is why I wear ludicrous country shirts,

and I'm working with a country band called My Darling Clementine,

and I've written a story based around their songs

and we're touring it round, doing a show,

-and taking the heartache up and down the country.

-Lovely.

-Now, Mark.

-Yes.

-A country. A country, please.

Well, as this is an old-style Pointless question

I feel honour-bound to give an old-style Pointless answer.

So I'm going to have to say Tuvalu.

Tuvalu, lovely Tuvalu. Excellent.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Tuvalu.

Well, Niger scored 11, our only score so far.

Tuvalu, once upon a time a Pointless answer...

and it's STILL a Pointless answer!

Look at that! Very well done indeed.

And that is Pointless, so it adds £250 to the jackpot,

which takes the total up to £2,750,

and it scores Mark 0.

Absolutely fantastic, very well done.

Yes, very well played, Mark. Tuvalu.

Er, Mark, welcome.

You're a prolific comedy writer.

-You've written five novels, I think?

-Yeah.

Did you find, just moving from comedy writing to volume writing,

was that quite a daunting step to take?

Yeah, but in a way, I'm quite a thoughtful, melancholy person,

I quite like a long project, and the thing with stand-up is,

it's very transitory.

I quite like the feeling of writing something big,

having a long-term thing to concentrate on.

So writing actually suits me better than comedy,

it's just I've ended up being more of a comedian.

Well, listen, what are you going to go for?

In that case, Nauru.

-Is it "na-roo" or "ny-roo"?

-Nauru, Nauru.

That was the first you gave, and it sounds good to me.

Let's see if Nauru's right,

let's see how many of our 100 people said Nauru.

It's right.

It's sometimes a pointless answer.

It is again! It is again!

-Mark, well done!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Another pointless answer adds another £250 to today's jackpot,

which takes the total up to £3,000,

scoring our other Mark nothing.

That pause was absolutely horrible.

LAUGHTER

-Wow, how about that?

-What about that?

-Yeah, very good. Omo Yoran, that's good morning in Nauruan.

-Omo Yoran.

-Thanks very much, Richard. Tony, welcome.

-Thank you.

Talk to me about Max Wolfe. This is a series you've started.

Yeah, Max Wolfe. A few years ago,

my career felt as though it was pretty much washed-up

so I asked my wife if I could cash in my pension

and write a book without a contract, and she said, "Go for it," and...

it went to number one.

You know, believe in yourself, follow your dream,

cash in your pension, what more can I tell you?

Beautifully put.

Now, Tony, I'm going to bring us back to Earth, back to THE Earth,

in fact, with a country beginning with any of those letters.

-Well, stiff competition. I'll go for Yemen.

-Yemen says Tony.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Yemen.

It's right. Our high score, at this point, is 11 until now. Oh, Tony!

APPLAUSE

-Oh! Yemen, 60.

-It's one of those ones where you see the Y.

-Yeah, man.

-Yeah. LAUGHTER

Thanks very much, Richard.

Well, we're halfway through the round,

let's take a look at those scores.

Only three scores between the four pairs.

Zero, the best score there.

Very well done, Mark W and Mark B.

Then up to 11, where Germaine and Kathy are looking pretty

strong as well on account of 60 for Yemen there, Tony, I'm so sorry.

-Yeah, well, it's stiff competition now.

-Yeah, absolutely.

So, yeah, Freya, you've got a bit of a mountain to climb there.

So, best of luck, we're going to come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

-There we are. Freya, welcome to Pointless.

-Thank you.

Now, Freya, where do you do your writing?

Well, if I'm feeling inspired,

I tend to do it from the converted stable in my back garden,

and if I'm not feeling inspired,

I tend to do it from the Welwyn Garden City Library.

But are you generally good at discipline?

Do you make yourself settle down and work?

I only have a limited amount of time in-between the school run,

so that's when I make sure that I maximise my word count.

Very good.

Well, Freya, yes, you've got a bit of a job ahead of you here.

60, quite a high score there.

We want a lovely low-scoring country from you, if possible.

-The Central African Republic.

-Oh!

Beloved to Pointless.

-Can I have that?

-You can have that.

There's no red line for you as you are the high-scorers but let's

see how many of our 100 people said Central African Republic.

It's absolutely right. Once upon a time,

this was a pointless answer every time it came up.

Let's see where it is now.

It gets 2. Very, very well done indeed, Freya.

APPLAUSE

62 is your total.

Very well played, Freya, might have kept yourself in the game there.

-It's always lovely to hear the Central African Republic.

-Mmm.

-Thank you very much indeed. Ian!

-Yes?

Ian, a warm welcome to Pointless. It's wonderful to have you here.

You have been, I keep seeing the words "poet in residence".

You're obviously, famously, at Barnsley, you were the poet

in residence, but you were then the poet in residence at the ENO.

-Yes, the English National Opera.

-Yeah.

I enjoyed doing it but I realised...

At the moment, I'm writing an opera, a libretto,

in Yorkshire dialect because the idea is can the flat vowels

that I employ be sung on a long note?

Well, they can, cos in Italian, they are.

The flat "ah", an Italian "ah", sounds wonderful.

It's proving quite difficult, to be honest with you.

We never have these conversations with the Cheeky Girls, do we?

-No, never.

-LAUGHTER

-It's a new one.

-Ian, so you're on nothing.

Our high-scorers at the moment are Freya

and Tony on 62, so 61 or less sees you comfortably through.

The trouble is, I'm like a bloke who turns up to party with

the shirt that everybody else is wearing cos every one that's been

said, I've thought of and thought I was really clever, so I realise

now I should have gone first but all I can say is the word Chad.

And why wouldn't you? Chad. Here is your red line.

Get below that with Chad, and you're through to Round Two.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Chad.

-It's not a country.

-It IS a country.

-Oh!

-It also gets you into Round Two.

Still going down, look at that, Ian.

It's beautiful, 7.

-Oh, Chad! I love Chad.

-Brilliant.

APPLAUSE

-7 for Chad takes your total up to 7.

-Very well played, Ian.

It's no Central African Republic, but it's very good.

-Val, welcome back!

-Thank you.

Tell me about the Harrogate crime-writers' festival

that you set up.

Well, we started it, I think, 13 or 14 years ago and at that time,

there wasn't really a dedicated crime-writing festival in the UK.

The first year, everybody was a bit sceptical about it

and I had to go around duffing people up, basically,

to get them to come,

but they had such a good time that after that, we were beating them off

with a stick, and it's become a very popular festival.

Wonderful. OK, now, listen, you're on nothing.

62 remains the high score, Tony and Freya over there.

What have you got for us, Val?

Well, Mark started so well with a country beginning with T-U,

I thought I'd follow him and go for Turkmenistan.

-Wonderful.

-Wow.

There's your red line, Val.

Get below that with Turkmenistan and you are through to the next round.

Let's see how many people said Turkmenistan.

Through you go.

3! Very, very well done indeed, Val.

APPLAUSE

3 for Turkmenistan.

Goodness me, 3 points between the pair of them,

that is a strong podium there.

Thank you. Kathy, welcome. You've been so patient.

Now, Kathy,

-a number of your books have been adapted for television, film.

-Yes.

-Opera?

-Opera, that's right. I've got a book turned into an opera.

It was called

How To Kill Your Husband (And Other Handy Household Hints),

which women liked a lot, yeah.

But when you're writing, are you ever aware of the potential for...?

-I only write because it's cheaper than therapy.

-Right.

And I've actually cannibalised my entire life to this point,

so I've written 13 novels so I've told my husband

I have to have an affair to get some more material, you know.

He thinks he should have the affair because it will give me

more angst, hence a better book,

but, you know, I am looking for a candidate, so I'm feeling

a little frisson here with you boys, we'll see how the day pans out.

-What? With BOTH of us?

-Well, I'll be very...

-LAUGHTER

-It could be a long book.

-So, Kathy...

-Yes.

-..on that note, what are you going to go for?

You're on 11, you have to score 50 or less to remain with us.

Well, I'm thinking T, I'm thinking perhaps Tanzania.

Tanzania. There is your red line.

If you can get below that with Tanzania,

you are through to the next round.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Tanzania.

It's right.

Phew.

You're through.

Down it goes to 7, very well done indeed.

18 is your total.

APPLAUSE

-Very well done.

-Very well played, Kathy, another good answer.

In fact, good answers from everyone.

Here are the pointless answers that we haven't seen.

Eh, Cabo Verde, which is the new name for the Cape Verde islands.

Cote D'Ivoire, there's Nauru, very well played, Mark.

There's a couple more.

Timor-Leste, which is the official name of East Timor, Togo and Tuvalu.

-Those were all the pointless answers.

-Thanks, Richard.

At the end of our first round, the pair who are heading home,

I can't bear this, with their high score of 62, it's Freya and Tony.

I'm...

Yeah, I really feel like I've let Freya down, you know,

I feel like one of those clod-hopping celebrities, you know,

that's let down a brilliant professional dancer,

although I know that's a different show.

-Although your analysis is absolutely correct.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Listen, Freya and Tony, it's been wonderful having you on the show.

Thank you so much for playing.

Excellent, excellent contestants. Freya and Tony.

APPLAUSE

But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

And so now we are down to three pairs.

Sadly, we'll have to say goodbye to another pair

at the end of this round. Best of luck to all three pairs.

Our category for Round Two today is....

Famous People. Germaine's furious.

Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

And the question concerns...

Richard.

On each pass, we're going to show you six pairs of celebrities.

In each case, the surname of one is also the first name of the other.

Can you tell us their names, please? Very best of luck.

OK, let's look at our first board of six, and here they are.

We have got...

ALEXANDER READS OPTIONS

I'll read those all again.

There we go. Kathy?

-I'm not sure which one is the most obscure.

-Mm.

I'll go for...

Arlene Phillips.

OK, Arlene Phillips Idowu. OK.

Let's see if that's right

and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Phillips.

It is right.

48.

APPLAUSE

I don't know, it might be, it might be a good score.

They may all be around that kind of area.

-48.

-Yeah, well played, Kathy.

The founder of Hot Gossip

and silver medallist at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

Thanks very much indeed. Now then, Val.

See, I'm drawn towards Debbie, the Blondie singer,

but I kind of think that quite a lot of people are going to know that,

so I think I should go with my other bent, as it were,

and go for Jeremy Brett.

Brett. Brett Anderson, Jeremy Brett.

Let's see if that's right

and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said Brett.

That's a good answer, 48's our only score at the moment

and you've passed that.

Very well done indeed, 17 for Brett.

APPLAUSE

Very well played, Val, Jeremy Brett and Brett Anderson.

Ian, you are the last person to have this board,

so if you fancied it, you could talk us through

all of the remaining answers then pick which one you want to submit.

It's really hard because, in each of the pairs,

there's a well-known one and one that's not quite so well known.

-Yeah.

-So I'm going to go with...

Moira Stuart and Stuart Broad.

OK, Moira Stuart, Stuart Broad.

Let's see if that's right,

let's see how many of our 100 people said that.

Well, 48's our high score and 17 our low.

Ooh, 46!

APPLAUSE

Do you know what, interestingly, Ian, I don't know if it was

the Moira or the Broad end of that that was...

I think Moira Stuart's more famous than Stuart Broad, isn't she?

-I don't know.

-Surely. Let's fill in the rest of this board.

Now, Val, you were tempted to go for the top one,

which of course is Debbie Harry, Harry Kane.

Would have scored an awful lot more points, though,

your instincts were right. 66 for that.

The next best answer on the board is actually Larry...

-Grayson.

-Larry Grayson.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, Grayson Perry.

Would have scored you 35.

And right at the bottom there, the biggest scorer of all,

-Lenny Henry, Henry Cooper, 81 points.

-Thanks very much indeed.

We're halfway through the round, let's look at those scores.

17, very well done, Val. Oh, they're so good!

Then up to 46, where we find Ian and Mark W,

and then at 48, Kathy and Germaine.

Right, we're going to come back down the line.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

OK, let's put six more shared names up on the board, and here they are.

We have got...

I'll read those all one last time.

Mark.

I'm, I'm quite... I'm quite confident with them.

-I think I'll have Greg Norman and Norman Foster.

-Norman, says Mark.

So you want to be scoring one or less to avoid becoming

-the new high-scorers.

-I'll do my best!

There's your red line - get below that,

you are definitely in the head-to-head.

Norman, let's see how many of our 100 people said Norman.

It is good, Mark, it's very good.

It's 30, look at that, 30.

The second lowest score so far.

APPLAUSE

-Takes your total up to 76.

-Well played, Mark, very nice answer.

The Great White Shark, Greg Norman was known as.

There we are, thank you very much, Richard.

-Now, Mark.

-Yes.

OK, I am going to say, I'm going to go for the bottom one

and say James Joyce, Joyce Grenfell.

Joyce, Joyce, well, let's see.

So, there's your red line -

if you get below that red line you're into the head-to-head.

Let's see how many people said Joyce.

Well, you're through. It did what it had to do.

29, much of a muchness there.

APPLAUSE

29, taking your total up to 46.

Very well played.

OK, now, thank you very much. We now have a game on our hands here.

Germaine, you have to score 27 or less

to remain with us. The board is all yours, why not talk us through it?

One I absolutely don't know,

one which would be a suicidal guess,

and one I'm sure of.

-I'm going to go for number two...

-Yeah.

And I'm going to say Lee.

Spike Lee, Lee Evans.

Now, here's your red line. If you can get below that with Lee,

you are in the head-to-head. That would be heroic.

Let's see. Spike Lee, Lee Evans, is it right, how many people said it?

Oh, it's right.

Still going down...

Oh, no, 44!

APPLAUSE

44 takes your total up to 92.

That's not a blaze of humiliation. It's not a blaze of glory, but not

a blaze of humiliation either.

Somewhere in the middle, I would say.

Er, the rest of this board looks like...

Xander, you know the top one?

-Kelly.

-Matthew Kelly, Kelly Osbourne.

-It's the next best answer there, 34 points. Bobby?

-Charlton.

Bobby Charlton, Charlton Heston, would have scored you 68.

-And Carmen...?

-Miranda.

-Carmen Miranda and Miranda Hart for 56.

So the best answer there - Joyce.

Thank you very much indeed. So at the end of our second round,

the pair who are heading home with their high score of 92,

I'm afraid it is Germaine and Kathy.

I'm so sorry, you... Pretty slim pickings on that board.

-Please come back and play again.

-We will.

-We will.

-Thank you so much, Germaine and Kathy!

-Bye!

APPLAUSE

But for the remaining two pairs, it's now time for the head-to-head.

Congratulations, Val and Mark B,

Ian and Mark W, you are now one step closer to the final

and a chance to play for our jackpot,

which currently stands at...

£3,000.

APPLAUSE

Now, to decide who's going to the final and play for that jackpot,

you are now going to go head-to-head.

The difference is you can now confer

before you give your answers, and the first pair to win two questions

will be playing for that jackpot.

We've had pointless answers from each of you,

we've had low scores from each of you -

just the...galaxies of knowledge.

-Anyway, there we go.

-LAUGHTER

Let's play the head-to-head!

Here comes your first question, and it concerns...

LAUGHTER

Species Of Penguin.

What better than to show five pictures of different penguins

and ask you to tell us what sort of penguin they are, please.

-OK, thank you, Richard.

-A pleasure.

Let us reveal our five penguins, and here they come.

We've got...

Aw!

There we are.

Five penguins.

Val and Mark B, you've been our low-scorers throughout,

so you get to answer first.

-MARK W:

-I think we know three.

-MARK B:

-Oh, I so know B, I just can't...

All right, we're going to say C is the Blue penguin.

The Blue penguin.

The Blue penguin, C.

Now, Ian and Mark W, do you feel up to talking us through

the other penguins?

-Presumably, King and Emperor, we think, there.

-Yeah.

The funny thing, A, I think Macaronic.

You'd be insane to gamble on it, though.

-The Macaronic penguin.

-Macaronic...

I mean, basically, we've got to go for one of these two.

I think we have.

Is a King penguin or an Emperor penguin more well-known?

I think more people know the Emperor penguin.

-Yep.

-Yes.

-King.

-King.

You're going to go for King.

OK, so we have Blue penguin and we have King penguin.

Val and Mark B went for Blue penguin for C. Let's see if it's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Blue penguin.

It is right.

Come on.

-34!

-APPLAUSE

34 for Blue penguin.

Now then, Ian and Mark W have said that D is the King penguin.

Let's find out how many of our 100 people said King.

Oh! Look at that!

Yay!

-There we are.

-APPLAUSE

We are... Which means very well done.

Val and Mark B, after one question, you are up 1-0.

Now, Mark, there is a Macaroni penguin, which is

what was going around in your head, but that's the Magellanic penguin.

-Ah!

-That's not unlike what you said, Ian.

11 points.

-He said the Genobo penguin.

-Oh, you should have said it!

-It is the Genobo penguin.

-No, it isn't. No, it's not. LAUGHTER

You should have said it because it would have been funny.

It is the Gentoo penguin.

Gentoo penguin. 17 points.

Gentoo penguin.

And E was, of course, the Emperor penguin.

It would have scored fewer points, but still wouldn't have won

the game for you - 70 points.

Thank you very much, indeed.

OK, this bruising contest continues with question two.

And here it comes. It concerns...

Themes From Westerns. Richard.

We're going to play you five themes from Westerns.

We need you to tell us the film or TV show

that each of these come from, please.

Fabulous. OK, so let's reveal our five themes from Westerns,

and here they come.

Here is A.

THEME A PLAYS

B...

THEME B PLAYS

C...

THEME C PLAYS

D...

THEME D PLAYS

And E...

THEME E PLAYS

So there we are, five themes from Westerns.

Now then, Ian and Mark W, you get to go first this time

and you've got to be as ruthless as Val and Mark B were last time.

I think B is less well-known.

-My dad liked it, shall we go for B?

-Mmm.

-Right.

Well, I think it's Rawhide.

Rawhide. Rawhide, say Ian and Mark W.

OK, now Val and Mark B.

I think they're absolutely right with Rawhide.

C is The Good, The Bad And The Ugly.

D is The Lone Ranger

-and I think we are going for E...

-Yeah.

..which is The Big Country.

The Big Country say, Val and Mark.

We have Rawhide versus The Big Country.

Now, Ian and Mark W said Rawhide for B.

Let's see if that's right, let's see how many of our 100 people said it.

It is right.

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-71.

-APPLAUSE

-Gosh!

71.

Val and Mark B have gone for The Big Country for E.

Let's see if that's right and, if it is,

let's see how many of our 100 people said The Big Country.

-Oh!

-Oh, a surprise twist!

A surprise twist, which means, Ian and Mark W,

you are back in the game after two questions. Oh!

Heat and light...

-We thought it was that, as well.

-I thought it was The Big Country.

-Oh...

-Shall we have a little listen to it again?

-It's 1-1.

Have a little listen to E. THEME E PLAYS

-# The Big Country.

-The Big Country. #

Now, you thought it was The Big Country -

I thought it was High Chaparral.

-It is, of course...

-The Magnificent Seven.

-The Magnificent Seven.

-ALL:

-Oh...

The Magnificent Seven, and would have scored you 17 points.

Let's go to A, and this is...

THEME A PLAYS

-Dances With Wolves.

-Oh...

John Barry, Dances With Wolves.

Six points for that.

C, you're absolutely right, was The Good, The Bad And The Ugly.

It would have seen you into the final if you'd said it.

58 points.

And you are absolutely right about D, as well,

that would have seen you into the final, too.

The Lone Ranger, because it would have scored you 36 points.

The William Tell Overture by Rossini.

-Mmm.

-Game on.

-Wow, there we go. Brilliant.

OK, it all comes down to our third and final question.

This is the decider. Best of luck to both pairs.

Our third question concerns...

LAUGHTER

-Er, Bottoms, Richard.

-Five questions now concerning bottoms.

The pair that gives us the most obscure answer will be going through

and playing in today's final,

so very, very, very best of luck to both teams.

Thanks very much, indeed.

Let's reveal our five clues, and here they are.

I'll read those all one last time.

Now, Val and Mark B will answer first.

We are going to take a punt on the BOTTOM answer

and say that Eddie was played by Adrian Edmondson.

Adrian Edmondson, say Val and Mark B, for Eddie.

Now, Ian and Mark W.

I think we've got to go for the Bottomless Pit.

We've got to decide which Pitt it is.

So Pitt the Younger and Pitt the Elder, is our choice.

Let's both say at the same time and see what happens.

-Yeah, all right.

-After three.

-BOTH:

-One, two, three.

-Pitt the Younger.

-Younger. Oh, I just said Younger.

You both went for the Younger.

OK, so you're going to say Pitt the Younger.

We have Adrian Edmondson, and we have Pitt the Younger.

I think they know it's wrong.

Val and Mark B said Adrian Edmondson played Eddie

in the BBC sitcom Bottom.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many people said it.

It's right!

It's right. It's right.

-24.

-APPLAUSE

OK, now, Ian and Mark W have said Pitt the Younger...

Don't do that with your hand, I don't like that.

..was born in 1769.

Is it the right Pitt? How many people said it if it is right?

It's right!

It's the right Pitt.

-And it wins!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Five for Pitt the Younger.

Very well done, indeed.

Ian and Mark W, after three questions,

that's 2-1 to you, you are through to the final. Richard...

Now, Queen would not have won you the points.

Queen would have scored you 51.

You would've got 34 for Conservative, Virginia Bottomley.

And you would've got 38 for the Shakespeare play,

which is A Midsummer Night's Dream.

William Pitt the Younger, that's the best answer up there.

Well, the pair leaving us at the end of the head-to-head round is

Val and Mark B.

I mean, exemplary play all the way through the show today.

I mean, just wonderful.

Thank you so much, Val, Mark Billingham, lovely having you here.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-APPLAUSE

But for Ian and Mark Watson,

it is now time for our Pointless final!

Congratulations, Ian and Mark, you've seen off all the competition

and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.

You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot for your

charities, and at the end of today's show, the jackpot stands

at £3,000. There we are.

APPLAUSE

As always, you get to choose your category from the four

we put up on the board. Let's see what today's selection looks like.

We've got...

What's your strong point, Mark, in that list?

-I don't know anything about jazz, really.

-All right.

-Austen On Film, I wouldn't be confident.

-No.

-I suppose the Year 2006 because...

-You were alive.

I was alive, I definitely was around.

I think the Year 2006 is both wide and narrow at the same time

-and that'll help us, I think.

-Yeah, exactly.

-We were looking for something wide and narrow, weren't we?

-We are.

-Always.

-That's what we said.

-Yes, we did.

-So we'll go for the wide and narrow one.

-OK.

-The Year 2006.

-The Year 2006.

-Very best of luck. Three different questions here,

all from the Year 2006. We are looking for...

Any act who had a number-one single

in the UK's singles' charts in 2006.

We are looking for any player in the FIFA World Cup

England squad from 2006, and we are looking for

any UK Cabinet ministers in May 2006 -

they had a re-shuffle then. So any UK number one-act from 2006.

Any member of that World Cup England squad or any UK Cabinet members,

5th May 2006. Very, very best of luck.

Thank you very much, indeed.

Now, as always, you've up to one minute to come up with three answers

and all you need to win that jackpot for your charities is for

just one of those answers to be pointless. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

OK, let's put 60 seconds up on the clock.

There they are, your time starts now!

-Go on, then.

-Right, oh, blimey. I wish I hadn't said sport...

That World Cup was the one in Germany where we

lost on penalties to Portugal and Rooney got sent off.

-That doesn't help, Rooney is going to come up.

-Yes.

You've got to think about the goalkeepers.

There will be three goalkeepers, and the reserves...

-So the reserve goalkeeper...

-David James was probably the main...

-Oh, crikey.

-Rob Green?

-Quite likely but I don't know.

I remember Walcott was in that World Cup squad

because he was picked very early.

-He didn't play much.

-That's right, so maybe Walcott.

Oh, crikey. What about the Cabinet?

2006.

Um, and as for actually who had a number one, that's...

-UK Cabinet members as of the 5th May 2006.

-Yeah.

You work on that, I'll think about the England squad.

2006, number ones is hard, isn't it?

We might almost go for two footballers.

Ten seconds left.

Or Cabinet members...

We don't have to name them until it stops, is that right?

I would say we are less than fully prepared at this point.

Um... OK.

Yeah, I think that went really well.

XANDER CHUCKLES

There's your time up. I now need your three answers.

MARK LAUGHS

I think with the Cabinet members, it's the guy who left the note.

-Who's that?

-I think it is Liam Byrne.

-Liam Byrne.

Do you want to nominate him as one of your answers?

-We want to nominate Liam Byrne, and footballers...

-Theo Walcott.

Theo Walcott. OK, so Liam Byrne, Theo Walcott and finally...?

-Shall we try a third-choice goalkeeper?

-Third-choice goalkeeper.

Who's that Birmingham goalkeeper, what's his name?

-Jack Butland.

-Yes, I think it might have been him.

-Let's try him!

It could have been Butland.

Liam Byrne, Jack Butland and Theo Walcott.

Of those three, which is your best shot at a pointless answer?

Liam Byrne because people don't remember Cabinet members.

-Liam Byrne, we'll put him last, then, shall we?

-Yeah.

What shall we put first, your least likely to be pointless?

-I don't think Butland is right.

-He's least likely.

OK, so Butland goes first and Theo Walcott in the middle.

OK, let's pop those up on the board in that order, then,

and here they are. We have got...

If one of these is pointless,

what are you doing with your jackpot?

What charities are you playing for? Ian?

I'm doing it for a charity based in Barnsley called Creative Recovery,

who use creative work to help people with alcohol

and drug addictions and with mental-health problems because,

as we all know, the arts is a great way to make yourself feel

-more like a human being.

-Yeah.

Very good. Mark?

My charity is the Against Malaria Foundation,

which pays for and puts up mosquito nets all over malaria-affected

areas and saves quite a few lives, which makes me

feel even worse about my choices now.

APPLAUSE

Two fantastic charities there.

Please can one of these answers be pointless,

so you can take that jackpot home to share between them.

OK, in the first instance

we were looking for FIFA World Cup England squad members from 2006.

Jack Butland was your answer.

Let's see if it's right and, if it is, how many people said it.

If it's pointless, it'll win the jackpot.

Oh, not Jack Butland!

-That was a gamble, that was.

-It was a gamble, but it was a good gamble.

OK, your second answer was Theo Walcott.

Once again, we are looking

for England squad members from the FIFA World Cup 2006.

Let's see if it's right and see if it's pointless.

If it's both of those things, you will leave here with £3,000.

It is right!

Jack Butland turned out to be incorrect.

Theo Walcott absolutely on the money.

Down through the 20s, through the teens, into single figures,

Still going down. Still going down!

Two for Theo Walcott.

APPLAUSE

That's more like it. Only one more shot at today's jackpot.

Everything now riding on your third and final answer,

which is Liam Byrne.

We were looking for Cabinet members in 2006 after the 5th May reshuffle.

If Liam Byrne is right, and if it's pointless, it wins you £3,000.

Let's see how may people said it. Liam Byrne, please be pointless.

No!

Oh, bad luck. Bad luck.

APPLAUSE

Bad luck.

Three good efforts there, but unfortunately you didn't

manage to find that all-important pointless answer.

I'm afraid you don't win today's jackpot of £3,000.

However, as it is a celebrity special, we are going to donate

£500 to each celebrity pair for their respective charities.

You do, of course, get to take home a Pointless trophy to remember it.

APPLAUSE

It really was a terrific show

and a valiant effort in this final round, as well.

Jack Butland, he was 13 in 2006.

-That's probably...

-One of the reasons he wasn't taken.

Liam Byrne, funnily enough, Ian, when that question came up

and I always play along, the first name that came into my head,

but he didn't join the Cabinet until 2009.

Let's take a look at the UK number ones, you didn't have a go at these,

but I know some people at home would have done.

You also could have had Akon, My Chemical Romance,

Nelly, Shayne Ward, Notorious BIG - lots of answers there.

Before we look at the football one, any other

answers that have come to your mind?

I know you were looking for who the goalies were in that.

-It's not Robert Green, is it?

-It's not Rob Green.

Let's take a look at some of the pointless answers.

-Joe Cole.

-Yeah.

Paul Robinson was a pointless answer.

Peter Crouch, Sol Campbell.

-The other goalie was Scott Carson.

-Carson.

Stewart Downing, a pointless answer, and Wayne Bridge.

Those Cabinet ministers, again, lots of names you will know here.

You could've had Stephen Timms, Valerie Amos -

lots of pointless answers.

Well done if you got any at home.

This author special has been terrific,

I'm sorry you just fell short at the last hurdle.

Thanks very much. Unfortunately, we have to say goodbye to Ian and Mark,

but we have loved having you on the show.

Thank you so much for playing - brilliant, brilliant contestants.

APPLAUSE

Join us next time, when we'll be putting

more obscure knowledge to the test.

-Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard...

-Goodbye.

And it's goodbye from me, goodbye.