Episode 29 Pointless

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you very much indeed.

I'm Alexander Armstrong, and welcome to Pointless, the quiz show where

the aim of the game is to score as few points as you possibly can.

And to do that, you need to come up with the answers that no-one else can think of.

Let's meet today's players.

Now, first up, we welcome back Helen and Josie.

You were on the show last time - everyone gets two chances to reach the Pointless final.

This is your second chance. Helen, remind us how you know each other.

We went to school together back in Newcastle,

and now we both go to the same university in Leeds as well.

And Josie, what happened last time?

We scraped through to the head-to-head.

-You didn't scrape by any means!

-It was lucky that they got it wrong.

And then we messed up on Marie Curie.

Now, Helen, what are your hobbies?

I am really into my music,

I'm a member of the rock soc at university.

-Rock soc?

-It's just a lot of talking about music.

-Wow.

-Favourite band?

-Probably Iron Maiden.

-Iron Maiden, really?

Big fan.

The other thing we need to know about Helen is she is a physicist.

She specialises in nanotechnology.

-Josie, a geographer, second year.

-Yes, I do a bit of acting and stuff.

What sort of acting have you done?

I did a couple of musicals, a couple of Shakespeare plays,

and my claim to fame is I was in the last ever episode of Byker Grove.

What about that, you were in Byker Grove?!

I'm from Newcastle, so it's a rite of passage.

Well, you made it to the head-to-head, you did so well.

It was looking at one stage like you were going to go right to

the final, so best of luck, surely, you have to be favourite today.

Next, we welcome Paul and Steve. How do you know each other?

We work together on the railway as guards.

Which particular line are you on?

We cover Lincoln, Leicester via Nottingham, Lincoln-Cleethorpes,

Lincoln-Doncaster, Lincoln-Peterborough,

Nottingham-Worksop, Nottingham-Skegness,

so a few different ones.

You forgot to mention the replacement bus service!

LAUGHTER

Oh, I just hate replacement bus services.

The worst thing in the world.

On a train on a Sunday, they don't tell you until quite soon before.

I don't know why - because they know you might fling yourself from the train.

I bet people would, they'd think,

"I'm just going to take my chances", get their luggage and jump off.

But you just think, "I'm going to get on a bus now?" And you do.

And it's always leftover buses from the '50s.

"There is no way this is getting up a hill."

-Is there a station you haven't been to?

-Not in the UK, no.

-No!

-Every single station.

-Really?

-Even the underground.

-I've got one.

-Bisborough Junction.

-Pardon?

-Bisborough Junction.

-No such place.

-Ahh! He's good!

He is good. There's a clue there in that there is no such place as Bisborough.

Well, there might be!

Steve, what's going to be great for you, what are your strongest suits?

-Stamp collecting.

-A philatelist?

-No, I don't play any musical instruments.

-Ha! Very good.

So, stamp collecting. That hasn't really come up before, but it might.

Neither has the entire train network of the UK, but you never know.

Best of luck, Paul and Steve,

lovely having you on the show.

Next, we welcome Mel and Pam. Now, how do you know each other?

We met at a school dance in 1964, we got married

and we've been quick stepping ever since.

-Now, what do you do?

-I'm a retired schoolteacher.

Retired schoolteachers always do well on pointless, don't they?

Yes, schoolteachers do badly, retired teachers do well.

-Oh, thank you.

-What did you teach, Mel?

I taught English and drama and a bit of history occasionally.

"English, drama and a bit of history"

is basically the subtitle of Pointless.

-That's what we do.

-I'm hoping.

Pam, what are you going to bring to the party?

-Politics, current affairs.

-You two are just terrifying!

-A bit of sport.

If a Pointless team could be created in a laboratory,

this is what they would look like.

And believe me, I'm still trying.

LAUGHTER

Well, Mel and Pam, it's lovely having you on the show.

Best of luck to you. And finally, we welcome Derek and Stuart.

How do you know each other?

I'm actually a pub quiz master,

and this man started coming to my quizzes.

Through that, we ended up becoming quite good friends.

Well, we tolerate each other.

Are you going to be quite competitive as a team?

-Naturally, yes.

-But are you going to be competitive within your team?

Yes, absolutely.

So if Stuart gets a low score,

Derek, you are going to have to get a low score.

I think it's more likely to be the other way around.

Really? Derek, what are you hoping is going to come up?

What are the really strong suits in the Derek hand?

TV, sport, definitely music. I'm a disc jockey as well.

Stuart, what do you want to add to that?

American crime dramas is probably one of my strong points.

-Sports good for you, Stuart?

-I'm quite a sports fan.

I'm not very sporty myself,

but I do enjoy watching sports and learning about sports.

Well, we'll find out more about all of you through the show

as it goes along. There's only one person left to introduce,

he is the patron saint of obscurity, He is my Pointless friend, Richard.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Logically, that would be Saint Richard.

Yeah, but you're one of those people who dropped the "Saint",

you don't like the "Saint" bit.

Yes, I don't use my title. With some people I do.

To get tables at restaurants, I'll say, "It's for Saint Richard."

But family and stuff, you know, call me Ricky.

My family call me Ricky, always have done. Don't you start that.

-I'm going to stick with R-Dog.

-Good, good.

Now, Mel is a teacher, or was a teacher,

but you can tell what sort of teacher Mel was.

-Definitely.

-Just awesome.

-Yes.

Beard, bowtie, English, bit of history, drama.

That's not a boring lesson.

In the film of Mel's life,

if Gene Wilder is still around to play him, I would say

-that would be quite a good...

-Yes, Gene Wilder would be a good Mel.

I'm going to spend almost the whole show trying to think

of obscure railway stations trying to catch Paul out.

-Keep them coming, keep them coming.

-Brilliant.

Well, all our questions on Pointless have been put to 100 people

before the show. In order to get to the final round,

and have a chance to win our jackpot, our contestants need

to find the obscure answers those 100 people did not guess.

The fewer of the 100 people who knew the answer, the fewer points you will score.

Everyone is trying to find a pointless answer,

which none of our 100 people knew.

Each time that happens, we will add £250 to the jackpot.

Nobody won last time, so we add another £1,000.

Today's jackpot is £8,500.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right, if everyone is ready, let's play Pointless.

In this first round, each of you must give one answer

and you cannot confer with your partner. Whichever pair has the highest score at the end

of the round will be eliminated, so try make sure that is not you.

Our first category today is... Brainboxes.

Can you all decide in your pairs who will go first and second?

And who ever is going first, step up to the podium.

OK, our first question concerns...

On each pass, we're going to give you the surnames of seven

famous scientists, can you give us their first name?

As always, a nice, obscure answer scores you the fewest points,

an incorrect answer will score you 100 points.

There will be 14 surnames, and all 14 first names to guess at home.

Thanks very much. Helen and Josie, you all drew lots before the show,

and today you are going to go first.

We are looking for the first names of these scientists,

and we have got on our first board...

I'll read those all one more time.

There we are, seven famous scientists.

With their first names missing.

Josie, you need to find the most obscure first name

you know on that board.

Yes, um, this is Helen's strong point.

I know a few, and I think I can probably guess a few,

but I wouldn't want to guess and get them wrong.

So I'm going to go with Galileo Galilei.

Galileo Galilei. Let's see if that is right,

and if it is, let's see how many people knew that answer.

Absolutely right.

13.

APPLAUSE

Very, very well played, that is a great answer and a great score.

He began observing the heavens in 1609, Galileo Galilei.

His telescopes, or his instruments, at that point,

only magnified by 20 times.

-Paul.

-Right, I'm going to go for... Fleming.

-Alexander.

-OK, you're going to go for Alexander Fleming,

let's see if that's right, and if it is let's see how many people knew that answer.

Absolutely right.

42.

APPLAUSE

-42 for Alexander Fleming.

-Well played, Paul.

It's a fairly big score, isn't it? He discovered penicillin.

The temptation with Fleming is to say Ian, isn't it?

Nine of our 100 people answered Ian to that question.

LAUGHTER

Now then, Pam.

I'm going to go with Pasteur, Louis.

Louis Pasteur, says Pam. Let's see if that's right,

and if it is let's see how many people knew that answer.

Absolutely right.

60.

APPLAUSE

There is a high score. Louis Pasteur.

Yes, our 100 people know their scientists.

He did all sorts of things, Louis Pasteur,

but most famously he created the process of pasteurisation.

Derek, you are the last person to have this board. Talk us through it.

Well, Planck, Priestley and Crick I have absolutely no idea.

So, I know it's going to be a big scorer,

but I'm going to have to go for Hawking - Stephen Hawking.

You're going to Hawking, Stephen, says Derek.

Let's see if it's right and how many people said Stephen Hawking.

It's right.

Wow, 58.

APPLAUSE

Wow. So Stephen Hawking scores less than Louis Pasteur.

I know, amazing, isn't it? You would have put money on him

being the highest score on that board, I think.

Let's go through the rest of the board.

Max Planck would've scored you 11 and Francis Crick discovered

the molecular structure of DNA. He would've scored you two points.

The best answer, despite the enormity of what he achieved.

And Priestley is the man who discovered oxygen.

-Clever man.

-He called it dephlogisticated air.

Didn't really catch on.

Really clever man.

-Wow.

-He was Joseph Priestley.

-Joseph.

So Francis Crick was actually the best answer on the board.

HE SIGHS

-Just taking a bit of defloxicated air there.

-Dephlogisticated.

De, sorry... Just taking a bit of dephlogisticated air there.

That's nice, isn't it? Before him, no-one could breathe.

LAUGHTER

Presumably this was just something he stumbled on by accident when

he was trying to turn a bit of bird droppings into gold or something.

Yes, he was mowing the lawn one day and took a breath of air

and coughed up some oxygen.

He went, "Hold on. That doesn't look like phlogisticated air."

-Clever, clever man.

-Do you know who gave it the name oxygen?

-No.

John Michel Jarre.

LAUGHTER

OK, we're halfway through the round. Let's look at the scores.

Josie and Helen are ahead by a long way with 13, a lovely low score.

Then we go from there quite a hike to 42, where we find Paul and Steve.

From there, up to 58 with Derek and Stuart, and just up to 60 where

we find Pam and Mel, so, Mel, we need a good low score from you

in the next pass to make sure you remain with us at the end of the round.

We're going to come back down the line.

Second players, take your places.

OK, we're going to put seven more scientists on the board,

and here they are - surnames only...

I will read those all one last time.

We're looking for the first names of these scientists, and Stuart,

you will be trying to find the one you think the fewest people knew.

The high scorers on 60

are Mel and Pam - you're on 58. So if you can score 1 or less, Stuart,

you will avoid becoming the new high scorers.

Board doesn't look good to me at all.

There's one or two I know, but I think

they'll probably be high scorers.

Going to take a punt...

..and say...

Francis Jenner.

Francis Jenner - let's see if that's right,

and how many people said it. There is your red line, at the bottom.

Oh, bad luck, Stuart! I'm afraid that's

an incorrect answer, which scores you 100 points,

taking your total up to 158.

-Richard?

-Yeah - sorry, Stuart, I suppose

you had to take a risk there.

I'll give you the right answer at the end of the pass.

OK. Thanks, Richard. Now, then, Mel -

the high scorers are now Stuart and Derek on 158,

you're on 60 - a score of 97 or less will keep you in the game.

Thanks very much(!) It's a science board,

and I'm an arts man, but, er,

playing it safe, Newton -

Isaac Newton.

Isaac Newton, says Mel.

Here is your red line.

Get below that, you're through to the next round. Let's see

how many people said Isaac Newton.

Absolutely right.

73! It's a high score

but you are through to the next round. 133 is your total.

APPLAUSE

Well done, Mel. Regarded as one of the greatest scientists ever.

-He was also very briefly an MP.

-OK, thanks, Richard.

Steve, I've got great news for you.

You are in Round Two, whatever happens -

even if you score 100 points, you are in Round Two,

you won't overtake Stuart and Derek's 158.

Bearing that in mind,

see if you can give us an answer from this board.

I think I know a couple.

I don't really want to guess on the others,

because I wouldn't know.

-Edison, Thomas.

-Thomas Edison, says Steve.

Let's see if that's right, and how many people said it.

No red line for you - you're already through.

Absolutely right.

49!

-APPLAUSE

-Takes your total up to 91.

Well done, Steve. Thomas Edison had a world-record 1,093 patents.

They must have loved him at the Patent Office.

LAUGHTER

Now, then, good news for you, Helen, also -

you are through to the next round.

Fill in the blanks for us.

I think Jenner was called Edward Jenner,

but I'm not sure.

Mendel, I don't have a clue what his name was,

but I know he played with peas - that was what he did.

He played with peas?

He did genetics with peas, if I remember rightly.

and he was a monk - I think, I might be wrong. I think Hubble's

Edwin, and Franklin's obviously Benjamin.

But I think... I've never heard of Babbage, so,

seeing as we're already through, I'm just going to risk it,

and try and get a pointless answer

and go for James, maybe?

-James Babbage.

-Yeah.

-Good for you. Let's see. James Babbage -

is it right? How many people said it?

-Oh! Wouldn't that have been great if that had been right?

-It would!

Almost certainly, if you haven't heard of him, he must be pointless.

Unfortunately, an incorrect answer

scores you the maximum 100 points. Couldn't matter less, though -

you're through to the next round anyway, but your total is 113.

-Richard.

-Babbage, actually, very much the forefather of all computing.

He invented all sorts of automated calculating machines

and things like that - Charles Babbage.

That would have scored you 15 points, so far from pointless.

You were right about Franklin - it's Benjamin.

And you were right about Hubble as well,

a much better answer, which would have scored 6 points.

You're right about Jenner - Edward Jenner.

13 points.

And Mendel - you're right about the peas and genetic experiments.

His name was Gregor.

That would have scored you 3 points.

That's the best answer on the board.

Born Johann Mendel - we would have accepted that as well.

-But Gregor Mendel.

-Did he change it because there was already

a scientist called Johann Mendel,

-and he had to change it?

-Yeah, he had to change it, yeah.

Thanks, Richard. So, at the end of our first round,

the losing pair, with the highest score,

I'm sorry to say, Stuart and Derek, it is you.

Jenner was tough,

but did you know any of the other ones?

Charles Babbage I was looking at,

but I thought it would have been a lot higher than it was, so...

-that's the way it goes.

-It is. Well, you did the right thing.

You had a punt, and tried to find a good, low-scoring answer,

you just happened to get it wrong.

But it bodes well for next time. We look forward to seeing you then.

Meanwhile, thanks very much for playing.

APPLAUSE

For the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

Sadly, at the end of this round, another pair will have to leave us,

so we have only two pairs left for the Head-to-Head Round.

You're all in Round Two, where anything can happen.

Our category for Round Two is...

Animated Film. Can you all decide who's going to go first

and who's going to go second.

Whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

Let's find out what the question is. Here it comes.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds to name as many Shrek

voice actors as they could. Richard.

Yes. Anyone who's received a voice acting credit

for any of the four theatrically- released Shrek films

up to 2012. They are of course Shrek, Shrek 2, Shrek The Third

and Shrek Forever After.

And this is according to IMDB.

Anyone who has received a voice acting credit for any

of the four Shrek films - very best of luck.

Thanks very much, Richard. So, then, Helen...

I've only actually seen the first two, but one of my favourite

characters is the Fairy Godmother, because she's just so horrible,

and I do believe she's voiced by Jennifer Saunders?

Jennifer Saunders, says Helen.

Let's see if it's right, and how many people said it.

Absolutely right.

8

-APPLAUSE

-That's a brilliant answer, Helen.

8, for Jennifer Saunders.

Good start to the round, Helen.

She plays the Fairy Godmother in Shrek 2.

Now, then, Paul.

I'm going to have a guess as well,

because I haven't really seen them that much.

Erm, can I go...

Eddie Murphy, donkey?

Eddie Murphy, says Paul.

Is it right? And how many people said Eddie Murphy?

Absolutely right.

55.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, he's in all four of them, Paul, so it's a good answer.

Better than getting 100.

And Beverly Hills Cop was the thing that really made his name.

Now, then, Mel,

the most obscure Shrek actor you can think of...

I'm racking my brains here. Erm...

I think, er,

John Cleese may have been in it?

John Cleese, says Mel. Let's see if it's right,

and how many people said John Cleese.

Absolutely right.

12! Good answer, Mel!

APPLAUSE

Well played Mel. Plays King Harold in the last three Shrek films.

We're halfway through the round. Let's look at the scores.

Helen and Josie looking very strong

on a lovely low score of 8 there.

Then up to 12, where we find Mel and Pam.

And then 55, where we find Paul and Steve.

So, Steve, bit of a mountain to climb on the next pass.

Best of luck. Let's hope that's enough to keep you in the game.

Can the second players please take their places at the podium?

OK, we're looking for Shrek actors.

Now, then, Pam, the high scorers

on 55 are Steve and Paul. You're on 12 -

if you score 32 or less,

you're through to the head-to-head.

I'm going to have to go with "Anthony Banderos",

-who played the cat.

-"Anthony Banderos"...

-I think that's how you pronounce it.

-..says Pam. There is your red line.

Let's see if Anthony Banderos is right,

and let's see how many people said it.

Oh, bad luck, Pam. I'm afraid it's an incorrect answer,

which means you score the maximum of 100 points.

-That takes your total up to 112. Richard.

-Yeah, sorry, Pam.

I'll go through all the reasons at the end of the round.

Now then, Steve. Pam and Mel are now the high scorers on 112, you're on 55.

If you can score 56 or less, you are in the next round.

I've never seen it.

I'll just guess...Cameron Diaz.

Cameron Diaz, says Steve.

Is it right? How many people said it?

Absolutely right, Steve. And you are through to the head-to-head.

-Very well done. 39.

-APPLAUSE

-39 takes your total up to 94.

-Was that a genuine guess, Steve?

-Yes. Yeah. Never seen it.

-Wow, how about that?

She plays Princess Fiona. She's the main female character in it,

plays Princess Fiona in all four films.

She did a lot of animated films.

-That's pretty good, isn't it?

-Isn't it? That's impressive.

That's a train guard you don't want to come up against. LAUGHTER

Make sure you have your tickets.

-Yeah, no kidding.

-Now then, Josie, good news. You're through to the next round.

Whatever happens, you won't overtake Pam and Mel's score of 112.

You're on 8. So, we're looking for any actor who received a credit in the Shrek films.

Have you got a good, low-scoring answer?

Erm, I'm not sure. I know quite a few of them.

I think you were thinking of Antonio Banderas,

who plays Puss In Boots.

I think Mike Myers is Shrek, erm,

Rupert Everett is Prince Charming, I know that much.

And...

I think John Lithgow was Lord Farquaad in the first film,

and seeing as we're already through, I'm going to go with John Lithgow.

John Lithgow. Let's see if that's right, and how many people said it.

No red line for you, you're already through.

Absolutely right.

6 for John Lithgow.

What a brilliant answer, Josie.

Takes your total up to 14.

APPLAUSE

And you're absolutely right, played Lord Farquaad in the first film.

Rupert Everett would have been an even better answer,

would've scored 4 points. Not pointless, though.

Pam, it's Antonio Banderas not Anthony Banderas.

I can't give it to you just in case

somebody else wanted to give the same answer. I'm very sorry.

Let's take a look at some of the pointless answers, though.

Amy Poehler was in Shrek 3,

Ian McShane plays Captain Hook in Shrek The Third.

Jane Lynch probably best known as Sue Sylvester in Glee,

she is in Shrek Forever After.

Joan Rivers is in Shrek 2.

Jon Hamm plays Brogan The Ogre in Shrek Forever After.

Jon Hamm, the guy from Mad Men, Perhaps most famously. Plays Don Draper.

The Ugly Sisters are played by two veterans of American television,

one is talk show host Larry King who would have been a pointless answer,

and the other is Regis Philbin,

the morning host, and the host of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

The host of American Idol, Ryan Seacrest,

also provides a voice in Shrek Forever After,

and Seth Rogen, star of Knocked Up, he's in Shrek The Third.

So, very well done if you said any of those at home.

-What were our high-scorers?

-Yeah, let's take a look at the high-scorers,

these are the ones that most of our 100 people said.

These will be familiar already. Mike Myers, 32.

Cameron Diaz, 39, as Steve gave us.

And Eddie Murphy, top of the pile by quite a long way on 55.

Thanks very much, Richard.

So, at the end of Round Two the losing pair with the highest score, I'm sorry to say, Pam and Mel.

I'm sorry we have to say goodbye to you now.

We'll see you again next time, and we look forward to that very much.

-Pam and Mel. Thanks for playing.

-APPLAUSE

But, for the remaining two pairs things are about to get

even more exciting now as we enter the head-to-head.

Well, congratulations, Helen and Josie, Paul and Steve,

you are now only one round away from the final

and a chance to play for our jackpot, which currently stands at £8,500.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

APPLAUSE

OK, you're now going head-to-head, and the first pair

to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.

The big news is, from here on in you are allowed to confer.

Well, Helen and Josie, you've been here before.

Only last time you were up against the prof.

What do you think of our train guards?

It's pretty intimidating that he knows and has been to all the train stations in the UK.

There better not be a train question.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, on that note, let's play the head-to-head.

OK, here comes your first question, and it concerns...

Musical instruments. Richard.

Simply going to show you five images of musical instruments.

Can you tell us what the instruments are?

Thanks, Richard. OK, here are our five musical instruments, and we have got...

There we are. 5 musical instruments.

Helen and Josie, you've played best throughout the show so far, so you get to go first.

WHISPERING

Erm, I used to play this,

so we're going to go with C, the oboe.

C, the oboe, say Helen and Josie.

Paul and Steve.

Talk us through the board, if you like.

-The piano and the tambourine are easy, aren't they?

-Yeah.

But, I don't know what E is.

Don't know what A is, either.

Is A a bassoon?

Could be a bassoon, yeah, but...

A, bassoon.

You're going to say A is a bassoon.

OK, so, Helen and Josie are saying C is an oboe.

Let's see that's right,

and if it is, let's see how many of our 100 people said C - oboe.

Absolutely right.

-22.

-APPLAUSE

Paul and Steve are saying that A is a bassoon.

Let's see that's right, and if it is, let's see how many people said A was a bassoon.

Bad luck, Paul and Steve. Good guess, though.

Which means, after one question,

Helen and Josie, you are up one-nil.

Richard.

Sorry guys. Do you know what A is?

-It's a sousaphone.

-It is a sousaphone.

One of those that you can wear as you are playing it.

Would have scored you 13 points.

B is a tambourine. As you worked out,

no point going for it, as it would have scored you too many points.

Would have scored you 77.

-How many of our 100 people got this?

-LAUGHTER

98. 98.

-TWO people...

-LAUGHTER

Two people looked at that and thought...

"I am going to say...

"It's not triangle, is it? Is it a triangle?"

LAUGHTER

Yeah, 98. Do you know the last one? It's actually a pointless answer.

-I have no idea.

-It's familiar,

a ring of beads around a hollow gourd, used a lot in Caribbean music.

It's a cabasa.

-A cabasa.

-Cabasa. Did you know that one?

-I knew it, yeah.

But I didn't want to risk it and get it wrong.

Well, would have added £250 to the already rather large jackpot.

-Very well done if you got that at home.

-Very good.

Well, here comes our second question. Now, Paul and Steve,

we need you to win this question to stay in the game.

It concerns...

We're going to show you five common terms for parts of the ear,

but we've missed out alternate letters.

Can you fill them in and give us the most obscure answer, please?

OK, here come our five parts of the ear with missing alternate letters.

And we have got...

I'm going to read them again without seeing "Blank."

There we are, five parts of the ear with alternate missing letters.

Paul and Steve, you go first this time.

WHISPERING

Second one is stirrup.

Stirrup. Paul and Steve are saying Stirrup. Now then, Helen and Josie.

Talk us through the other answers and see how many you can fill in.

I had to do a medical physics module in my physics GCSE,

so, the top one's the Eustachian tube,

the third one's the cochlea,

the fourth one's the eardrum,

and I've no idea what the bottom one is.

-We'll go for the Eustachian tube.

-Yeah.

-Eustachian tube.

-I really hope I'm not wrong.

OK, we have stirrup, we have Eustachian tube.

Paul and Steve, good luck. You have to win this one.

Stirrup - is it right? How many people said it?

Absolutely right.

-It's a popular one.

-APPLAUSE

So, 50 is what you have to beat,

Helen and Josie, and if you do,

you go straight through to the final on the strength of it.

Let's see. Eustachian tube - is it right? How many people said it?

Absolutely right.

You've done it!

Wow! 6!

APPLAUSE

Very, very well played, Helen and Josie.

Eustachian tube wins it for you, which means,

after only two questions, you are through to the final, two-nil.

Yeah, but Eustachian tube, such a shame,

because Paul has been to Euston Station Tube.

LAUGHTER It's that close. That close.

Let's go through the rest of the board.

We've already heard cochlea, that was absolutely right.

That would have scored 24.

Eardrum, you are right, as well. 63.

The other one is a pointless answer, actually.

I don't know if you ever came across it,

the utriculus. Very well done if you got that at home.

Thanks, Richard.

Well, the losing pair at the end of our head-to-head round, I'm afraid is Paul and Steve.

But, good news for us, we get to see you again.

Steve, what sort of shirt are you going to wear next time?

-A plain one.

-No!

-Really?

-I thought I was coming for an audition for Hawaii Five-0 remake.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, you are, by the way, and you got the part.

You know when sometimes they say you won't notice

the revenue inspectors on the trains cos they wear plain clothes?

I'm guessing that's not you. LAUGHTER

Paul and Steve, we look forward to seeing you next time.

-Meanwhile, thanks so much for playing. Great contestants, thank you.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

But, for Helen and Josie, it's time for our Pointless final.

Congratulations, Helen and Josie, you've fought off all the competition,

and you've won our coveted Pointless trophy.

You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot.

-At the end of today's show, the jackpot stands at £8,500.

-APPLAUSE

Your Pointless careers have been exemplary, I have to say.

You've done exactly what we like people to do.

You made it through to the head-to-head in your first game, through to the final today.

Now, I would say the odds are going to be pretty short on you winning.

I wouldn't get your hopes up too much.

Well, we'll just have to see.

We did not think we would get this far, even.

Now then, the rules are very simple.

To win that money, £8,500, you have to find a pointless answer. That's all you have to do.

We haven't had any pointless answers today.

You only have to find one now, and you'll go home with that money.

First, though, you've got to choose a category.

You have five categories to choose from. They are...

You'd think we'd go for The Solar System, cos I do physics,

but I can't stand astrophysics.

-I love astrophysics.

-She really likes it.

-I really like stars and stuff.

-Erm, Funky Music, that could go terribly badly.

-Yeah.

Football Managers, we don't know any past, like, '95.

-20th Century Fiction...

-No.

-Shall we just go for The Solar System?

-Yeah, we'll go for Solar System.

-We'll go for Solar System, please.

OK, very best of luck.

Let's find out what the question is. Here it comes.

We gave 100 people 100 seconds

to name as many moons of Jupiter as they could.

Moons of Jupiter. Richard.

According to NASA's official website,

there are 50 natural satellites or moons orbiting Jupiter

that have been named and discovered as of May 2012.

Can you name the most obscure of those, please? Very best of luck.

OK, you now have up to one minute to come up with three answers.

And all you need to win that £8,500 is for just one of those answers to be pointless.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-OK, let's put 60 seconds on the clock.

There they are. Your time starts now.

Titus? Is Titus one?

-Titus is definitely a moon somewhere, I think.

-Io.

Io, we'll have that one. There's one made out of, all of lava.

-Oh, yeah.

-It was on Things In The Universe. Oh!

I don't know any other ones.

They're all named after, like, Greek gods and stuff.

So, can we think of any?

They're things that pulled the chariots or something, aren't they?

I don't know. Erm...

Titus, Io. They're ones that everyone is going to get.

-Trevor.

-They're not going to name a moon Trevor.

LAUGHTER

-Right.

-More interesting, if they did.

-Greek things.

-Andromeda?

-Andromeda is in...

-A comet, or something, isn't it?

No, it's a star.

10 seconds left.

Icarus.

-Shall we go for them?

-OK.

-OK, you have your three answers.

We were looking for the moons of Jupiter. What are they?

-We're going to have Titus.

-Titus.

-Io.

-Io.

-And, er, what did we just say? Icarus.

-And Icarus.

-Yeah, that's a big guess.

-OK, those are our three answers.

Of those three, which do you reckon is your best shot at a pointless answer?

I think Io, but that might be a moon on Saturn, but we'll go for Io.

OK, we'll put Io last on the board. Which shall we put first?

-BOTH: Icarus!

-We'll put Icarus up there first.

OK, let's put them up in that order, and here they come. We have got...

So, we're looking for moons of Jupiter.

Your first answer, Icarus, you might have just made up.

We know who he was,

but he sounds like a likely name for a moon of Jupiter.

Yeah, well, they all seem to be named, like Titus and Andromeda,

I think are... No, they're Romans not Greeks, maybe,

but they're all named after mythical things, normally, so...

There we are, exactly. OK, well, Icarus, your first answer.

You only have to find one pointless answer to win that jackpot of £8,500.

What would you do with £8,500, Helen?

I may have promised my sister that I'd buy her a banger car,

so I don't really want to get the money, cos then I have to buy her a car!

LAUGHTER

Well, make it a real banger, and there might still be 8,000 left.

I don't know what I would do. I'd probably just be like, "What?!

"This much money? We're students. That doesn't happen."

Well, very, very best of luck. You deserve it.

Let's see, Icarus, is it right?

-I tell you what, that's Jupiter's loss.

-LAUGHTER

Unfortunately, not a pointless answer.

You only have two more chances to win today's jackpot.

Titus and Io, you're pretty confident that those are correct.

-If they are around Jupiter.

-Yeah.

-They might be around somewhere else.

OK, well, we're looking for moons of Jupiter,

let's hope nobody said your next answer, which is Titus.

Again, this has to be correct, has to be pointless,

and if it's both of those things, you will leave here with £8,500.

Very best of luck. Let's see how many people said Titus.

-Oh, no! Bad luck!

-It's Titan, isn't it?

-Yeah, it's Titan.

OK, you only have one more chance to win today's jackpot.

Everything is now resting on Io. We are looking for moons of Jupiter.

Your third and final answer, your most confident shot at a pointless answer, you reckoned, was Io.

To win that jackpot of £8,500 this has to be correct, has to be pointless.

Very best of luck.

Please can this be right, and please can this be pointless. Io. How many people said it?

-It's right.

-Well done.

-Icarus, bit of a guess.

Unsurprisingly, incorrect.

Titus, incorrect, but more in the right ballpark.

Oh, no! 19. Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

It was right!

Unfortunately, you didn't manage to find that all-important pointless answer, I'm afraid,

but, you do get to take home our fabulous Pointless trophy. Very, very well done.

-APPLAUSE

-Richly deserved.

Yeah, you have to give your sister an IOU, Helen. I'm afraid.

-HELEN MOUTHS:

-No

Yes, really, really unlucky, you played so well throughout two shows.

Tough final category. Titan is a moon of Saturn, not of Jupiter.

Icarus, there's a crater on our moon which is Icarus,

but no moon of Jupiter, I'm afraid.

-They called a crater Icarus? That's a bit tasteless, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

I mean, it's apt.

Let's take a look at the pointless answers, shall we?

Autonoe was a pointless answer.

Carme, Eukelade, talking of musical instruments.

Hegemone, Herse, Kale.

Megaclite, Sponde and Taygete, all of those pointless answers.

Very well done if you said any of those. Any of those ring a bell?

-Yeah, all of them, I mean, I'm kicking myself.

-Knew them all.

-LAUGHTER

Why you didn't get Hegemone and Eukelade, I do not know.

-I know.

-Sponde. Everyone knows Sponde.

-Come on(!)

That where we get "spondulix" from. From Sponde. LAUGHTER

Unfortunately we have to say goodbye to you, Helen and Josie. You've just been superb contestants.

It's been great having you on the show. I'm really sorry you haven't got more to take away

than just the trophy, cos you certainly deserve to, but thanks so much for playing.

-Brilliant.

-APPLAUSE

So, Helen and Josie didn't win our jackpot today,

which means it rolls over onto the next show when we will be playing for £9,500.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

-Join us next time to see if someone can win it. Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard.

-Goodbye.

And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd