Episode 3 Richard Osman's House of Games

Hello there, everybody, I'm Richard Osman

and welcome back to House Of Games,

the show where four famous faces join me all week

to do battle for this extraordinary trophy over there.

You can take that through an airport scanner and it won't go off,

that's the good news about it.

It's papier-mache, it's painted silver.

We've been playing a series of games.

I just press this buzzer, a new game comes up,

something silly, something ridiculous, always play along,

and our contestants all have to answer whatever they can.

Shall we meet them? We have Nish Kumar,

-Anneka Rice...

-Hello.

-..Clara Amfo...

-Hi.

-..and Al Murray.

APPLAUSE

So, Wednesday. We've had two days already.

Anneka, shall we remind everybody of the leaderboard?

-OK, a new tactic...

-Oh, there's a caveat, is there?

Yesterday, the tactic was to really want that towel.

-Yeah, the towel, the prize.

-Didn't work, though.

-Yeah.

Didn't work, so today I've had a light supper before the show...

-Interesting.

-..and I'm thinking I have a bit of energy.

-Do you?

-Brainpower.

On Monday I said I needed snacks. Did I get them? No.

-No.

-Wednesday, right, let's do it.

-Let's see, so we're expecting big things.

-Big things.

Let's take a look at the leaderboard and see how it's gone thus far,

tactically, for you. LAUGHTER

-Our two comedians in the lead. Clara...

-Yes.

You've been unlucky both days, I'm going to go out there and say it.

I have been, but today I'm going to claw it back.

Nish has won a show, Al has won a show.

-I want one of the two of you to win this, OK?

-Me too.

-OK.

-Let's do it.

For the sake of Radio 1 and Radio 2, OK?

We can't have radio beaten by comedy.

That's true, actually. That has given us the...

-Nish, happy after your win?

-I feel like winning one show was the aim.

I say it was the aim, it was literally what my mother said to me.

So, on Friday, one of our contestants is going to win

this trophy, but every day there's also a special daily prize.

On Monday, Al won a delightful House Of Games dressing gown.

Nish, you chose the House Of Games driving gloves.

Let's take a look, shall we, at today's prizes?

This is what you have to choose between.

Oh, a House Of Games lamp. There's a water bottle...

-AL:

-Are those binoculars?

-Al Murray, yes, they are.

-Oh, my...

-Oh, my goodness me.

-House Of Games binoculars...

-Oh, imagine!

-..up for grabs.

-Wow.

-Suddenly someone's interested.

-Is that a shoehorn?

-What's the one second from the right?

-Shoehorn.

-OK.

So I think Al has his eyes on the binoculars, rather aptly.

Golf umbrella, lamp, who wouldn't want a House Of Games water bottle?

Please stop writing in, they are not available in the shops,

I'm so sorry.

-Everybody ready?

-Yeah.

-Shall we play our first game?

-Let's do it.

It is...

We played this before. "Here we go," says Al Murray.

He knows it's on the buzzer.

This is the game where I'm going to ask you two questions.

Simply, the answers to each of those questions rhyme with each other.

You need to give us both answers, OK?

So, fingers on buzzers, everybody. Good luck at home.

Here's your first question.

BUZZER That is Al Murray.

Peter Parker, Sue Barker.

Peter Parker, Sue Barker...

..is the correct answer. Well done, Al.

APPLAUSE

-He is quick, to be fair.

-Very quick.

And it's annoying, because now he's got that first one in

-and now he's on a roll.

-Yeah, we need to undermine him.

-He's rubbish.

-Please do.

-There we go, that's the stuff, Clara.

-Rubbish!

I did not expect smack talk on this show.

Here is your next question.

BUZZER That's Nish Kumar.

Selhurst Park, Cutty Sark.

Selhurst Park, Cutty Sark...

..is the correct answer, Nish, very well done.

I am from south London, so I think I would have been excommunicated

if I hadn't got that right.

-Can you be excommunicated from south London?

-Oh, yeah!

Here's your next one. We've got two pictures for you now.

What are the rhyming answers here?

Who is this? And what is this?

-BUZZER That is Anneka Rice.

-What?!

Douglas Hurd, lemon curd.

Yes!

Is the right answer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I never thought I would see the day.

Very well done, Anneka Rice gets a buzzer question.

I've learned how to do it now.

Let's take a look at the next question.

What are the rhyming answers here?

Oh!

BUZZER That is Nish Kumar.

-Cold Mountain...

-Oh, yes.

..sherbet fountain.

Brilliant, it is right. Very well done.

APPLAUSE

Absolutely one of those ones where you get half of it

and you have to reverse engineer the second one.

I was trying to think what movie rhymed with Sherbet Dip Dab.

LAUGHTER

Here is your next question. What are the rhyming answers here?

BUZZER Nish Kumar.

Paris Hilton, Peter Shilton.

-Paris Hilton, Peter Shilton...

-Yeah.

..is the correct answer.

APPLAUSE

Now we've got a picture and a piece of music. The answers rhyme.

Here's the picture.

And here's the piece of music.

# Don't you know that it's time to get on board

# And let this train... #

BUZZER

-Michael Caine, Love Train.

-Oh, wow!

-That was good.

-Was that right?

-That's so good!

Very well played. APPLAUSE

That was some other level, with the song, that was very impressive.

Here's your next one.

BUZZER Clara Amfo.

Hocus Pocus, diplodocus.

It's dip-LOH-docus!

Hoh-cus Poh-cus, dip-LOH-docus.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I love that film so much.

Hocus Pocus, diplodocus, or, as Clara says,

Hoh-cus Poh-cus, dip-LOH-docus.

Very well played. Here is your last one.

BUZZER Clara Amfo.

Someone Starkers, starkers.

LAUGHTER

"Someone Starkers, starkers" is your answer?

-Someone Marcus, starkers?

-INCORRECT ANSWER BUZZER

I can open that up to the others.

BUZZER Al Murray.

-Joe Root, birthday suit.

-Oh!

Let's take a look.

Very well worked out. Joe Root, in your birthday suit.

Terrific round from everybody. Anneka, that's the stuff.

-Anneka got a point.

-How about that?

Let's take a look at how we stand at the end of that round.

-Very strong.

-Dark horse, that Nish.

-Very well played.

-Shall we play another game?

-Yeah.

-Let's take a look.

What are we playing next?

-Oh, here we go.

-We played this before as well.

We know this is a pairs game.

This is almost my catchphrase, but we have to start with

the person in last place, and that person is Anneka.

LAUGHTER

It just happens to have been the case thus far.

Why do you think I keep at the bottom?

You know what? I'm genuinely wondering.

Because then I get to choose friends...

That's clever. Who would you like to be your partner?

-I'm going to go with my radio pal.

-I think that's a lovely idea.

Anneka, if you swap places with Al and we have our pairs.

Anneka and Clara and Al and Nish.

What happens now in your pairs,

I'm going to ask you a series of questions.

If you take out your tablets, please,

and you'll be writing down an answer to each of those questions.

I will then take the average of each pair's answer,

and the pair who's closest to the real answer will win the point.

Let's take a look at our first question. Very, very best of luck.

One point to the winning pair on each one.

All the animals in London Zoo - how many are there?

If you play this at home, if you've got two of you,

write down answers separately

because sometimes the disparities are ridiculous.

-Everyone written something down?

-No.

-Come on, Nish.

-Nish is changing his mind. Have you got one?

-Yeah.

-So...

-Nish Kumar.

-I've put 850 and I've also written "this is hard".

-So, 850 animals.

-Yeah.

-In the whole zoo.

-Yeah.

-Have you been to London Zoo?

-No.

-OK. That's become apparent.

We will now team this up with Al Murray's answer.

-3,500.

-Oh.

-Because I'm thinking, like, a butterfly enclosure

which might have, like, 100 butterflies in it.

Also, one of the scribbled-out figures on here was 10,000

and then I panicked and went for 850.

-Realised it wasn't Christmas.

-Yeah, I realised it wasn't Christmas!

LAUGHTER

-You're just thinking you're going to say 10,000 for everything.

-Yes.

Let's take a look at your average, then.

Clara Amfo, you've got the look on your face that would say

you've put a very, very different answer to that.

I think there are 1,200 animals in London Zoo.

OK, 1,200. And Anneka.

I think there's 2,402.

You always do those very specific numbers,

just to make the maths harder.

So, your average, Anneka and Clara...

I wonder if you've gone higher at home because

I think I would have gone higher. I don't know the answer.

Let's find out. How many animals are there in London Zoo?

Who's got the point?

-Oh, my God!

-Which means you're only about 19,000 out.

-Al and Nish, you get the point, well done.

-Boom!

-APPLAUSE

-If I'd have put 10,000 there...

Oh, you'd have looked great. Amazing.

-I'd look like an absolute legend.

-Can you imagine?

Well done if you got anywhere close to that.

-Shall we take a look at the next one?

-Yeah.

-CLARA:

-Oh, God.

How many £2 coins were in circulation

at the end of March 2016?

Does everybody have an answer written down?

-Anneka, do you have an answer?

-Yeah, I do.

That was like an episode of Challenge Anneka there for a minute.

We are right up against it.

So, Nish Kumar, how many £2 coins are there in circulation?

I have put 120 million.

120 million £2 coins.

-Al Murray, are you close to that?

-100 million.

100 million, you are close to that.

Even I can work out the average of that, that's 110 million.

-Clara...

-Oh, gosh.

-..what have you gone for?

-10 million.

10 million. OK, 10 million.

-Anneka, what have you gone for?

-130 million.

-130 million.

So, your average is...

I just basically thought they'd have to have at least enough

for two each and the population's 60 million.

-That's how they do it.

-Yeah.

-"We like these.

"Everyone's going to want two of these, I think." Let's see.

In March 2016, how many £2 coins were there in circulation?

-Oh, wow!

-479 million.

Once again, Nish and Al, you have been so far away from the actual

right answer both times, but, you know,

it's not how, it's how many, right?

-Yeah. Don't question our methods.

-Yeah. Oh, you've got methods?

-Yeah!

-All right.

Let's take a look at your final one in this round.

Hello. How many newborn babies in England and Wales...?

Very lovely name.

What was happening in 2015 that would influence people

-to call their kid Richard?

-Oh, that is some unbelievably great logic.

-Has everyone written down an answer?

-Oh, gosh, OK...

-Nish, how many have you gone for?

-I've gone for 500.

500 Richards, OK.

-Al Murray.

-Oh, gosh.

Well, I've gone for 14,200, which strikes me still as not very many.

You don't see Richards any more, so that's why I'm thinking

this must be a small amount of a large amount.

OK, let's take a look at your average.

-That's a long way from what either of you wrote.

-Yeah.

What do you think, Nish? Are you still confident with 500?

No, I've immediately lost confidence in my answer.

My view would be nearer 500 than 14,000, I'll be honest.

-Oh, really?

-But I don't know the answer.

Clara, what have you said? Don't say four million.

-60,000.

-Yeah.

-I think we're all right.

-Yeah!

-LAUGHTER

I can tell you, actually, if it helps, 2015,

there were just under 700,000 babies born,

so you're just thinking one in ten British babies was called Richard.

LAUGHTER

-That's logical!

-Very logical!

One in five of the boys, let's say, was called...

Anneka, I'm not saying you need to, but have you dragged the answer

down a little bit?

-I was going to put 3,000...

-LAUGHTER

..but then I thought, when Clara said there was some event,

I thought, yeah, there's some event we just can't quite remember

involving Richard.

-So, your average...

-It's high.

-..Clara and Anneka...

I'll be honest, when I saw Nish's answer of 500,

I thought, "He's gone a bit high here."

So...

-Let's find out how many Richards...

-Goodness me!

Wow, you are a dying breed.

-So, Nish, that was very, very good.

-Yeah!

-You two, that was terrible. That was really...

-Really bad, really bad.

-It was the 256th most popular name in 2015.

-Really?

Once again, the point there going to Nish and Al.

-Wow.

-Well done, Nish.

-APPLAUSE

Can I just say, Al Murray, no-one has ever given

such bad answers in a quiz round and got full marks for it in history?

That's enormously impressive.

Before we look at the scores, Anneka and Al,

if you would go back to your original seats.

Let's see where we are at the end of that round.

Bad round for Clara and Anneka there.

APPLAUSE

Come on, Anneka, come on, Clara, this round, let's do it.

-What is this round? What is it?

-Shall we find out?

-Yeah.

-Here we go.

Oh!

Now, we've taken words and put them in code.

It's a very complicated code.

We replaced all the As with 1, all the Bs with 2, the Cs with 3.

-The Ds, Anneka?

-4.

-The Es, Clara?

-5.

The Fs, Al?

-6.

-It is 6, you're quite right.

I'm going to give you some categories

and I'm going to show you a word or an answer.

-You just have to tell us what it is. Fingers on buzzers.

-Right.

Here is your first one.

What is this fish?

A = 1 and so on.

That's a tough starter.

Easier when they've got one...

BUZZER That is Nish Kumar.

-Swordfish?

-Yeah.

-Let's see if it's swordfish.

-Al Murray thinks it is.

-Yeah, it is.

And it is swordfish, well done. APPLAUSE

Well done, Nish, well done if you got that quicker as well.

-He's cracked this round.

-Here's the next one.

We're all doomed.

What's this fish?

BUZZER Al Murray.

-Guppy.

-It is the guppy, Al Murray.

7 = G, U, P, P and Y. APPLAUSE

I'm still counting.

Here's your next fish.

BUZZER Nish Kumar.

Goldfish?

It's very quick if it's right.

It is right, Nish, well played.

APPLAUSE

Next category.

Here's your first one. What's this code?

Anybody?

BUZZER Clara Amfo.

-Spectre.

-Oh!

Is the right answer, Clara Amfo, well played.

APPLAUSE

Spectre. Here's your next one.

BUZZER

Anneka Rice.

It's wrong. Goldfinger.

It's not Goldfinger, I'm afraid. INCORRECT ANSWER BUZZER

BUZZER Nish Kumar.

GoldenEye.

You were so close, Anneka. It is GoldenEye, absolutely right.

APPLAUSE

-You did all the legwork on that one.

-Yeah, you did a lot of good work.

Gold.

I might put an asterisk against one of Nish's points there

because you helped him out a lot. Here's your next James Bond film.

What's this in code?

BUZZER Nish.

-Octopussy.

-Oh!

Is the correct answer, Nish, very well done.

APPLAUSE He's good at this, isn't he?

Here's your last category.

Olympic Sports. Cheer up, Nish.

You've literally got virtually every single point in this round.

-Mainly helped by Anneka.

-Yeah.

-What's this sport?

BUZZER Clara Amfo.

Jah...

It's not jah...I'm afraid.

INCORRECT ANSWER BUZZER

BUZZER Nish.

I hate to do this again - it's judo.

-It is judo.

-Oh, Nish!

APPLAUSE

-Oh, dear. "Jah..."

-Yeah.

-Someone who's not very good at throwing a javelin.

-Yeah, exactly.

Here's your next one.

Oh...

-Hmm.

-We may be some while.

BUZZER Anneka Rice.

Weightlifting.

-Oh, my goodness!

-Oh, she's good!

-Oh, my God!

It's the right answer.

Well done. APPLAUSE

Go on, Anneka! Here is your last one in this round.

Which sport is that?

BUZZER Anneka Rice.

Fencing.

It's another correct answer, Anneka, very well played.

At the end of that round, let's see where that leaves us.

That was great stuff, Anneka.

-AL:

-You're streaking ahead.

A five-point lead, Nish Kumar, on 11 points.

APPLAUSE

You're in serious danger of taking Al Murray's binoculars

away from him at the end of this round.

It would be awful to give away a five-point lead, though.

-Imagine losing...

-Oh, no!

-Can you imagine?

Yeah, it would be the most embarrassing thing imaginable.

I would have thought so. Let's see what our next round is going to be.

Don't panic, we're not going to ask you where Kazakhstan is,

that's just simply the name of the round

because we're going to ask you where various things are on a map, OK?

Closest gets the points.

On this round you'll need your tablets again, please.

This is the map we're going to show you.

-Do you recognise the map?

-The United Kingdom.

-The United Kingdom, absolutely right.

-Do I get a point for that?

-Yeah, go on, you can have a point.

-Yes!

It's the British Isles, strictly speaking.

The bit that is actually in black is the...

Is the United Kingdom, but the whole thing is the British Isles.

I think a point to Clara and a point to Anneka there

for Al's interjection. LAUGHTER

Here comes your first question.

Where is this, please?

Everybody put something on their map there?

-Everyone happy?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Nish Kumar, where is the highest mountain in the United Kingdom?

What's the highest mountain in the United Kingdom?

-I thought it was Snowdonia.

-That's where Snowdon is,

-in your opinion.

-Yeah.

-Anneka Rice,

where have you put the highest mountain in the United Kingdom?

-Just underneath. Clara Amfo, where have you gone?

-I'm here.

-You're really grouping it.

-Yeah.

-Are you joining in the group, Al?

I thought it was Ben Nevis.

-Oh.

-Is it Snowdon or is it Ben Nevis? Let's find out.

Where is the highest mountain in the United Kingdom?

Ben Nevis, very well played, Al Murray. Good for you.

APPLAUSE

You all had me thinking, "Oh, I've got this totally wrong."

Let's take a look at your next one.

A slight difference. First nuclear power station opened by the Queen.

Don't know.

-Everybody locked in?

-Yeah.

-Everybody is locked in.

So, the site of Britain's first nuclear power station.

Nish Kumar, where have you gone?

Interesting. What part of the country are you calling that?

-I think it's the north-west and I think it's Sellafield.

-Interesting.

Anneka Rice, where have you gone?

Sellafield was the only one I could even think of, I'm afraid.

Where have you put Sellafield? Oh, very close. Interesting.

-Clara, where have you gone?

-I would like to think it's Leeds.

You think they put the first nuclear power station in Leeds?

I think famously they put them in the middle of cities,

that is the safest place for them

because everyone can keep an eye on them.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Al, let's see where you have gone.

It's that one over near Ipswich, Sizewell.

Interesting. Well, the last question,

you all went Snowdonia, Al went Ben Nevis.

Yeah, I'm probably wrong on this.

This time you've gone Sellafield, he's gone Sizewell.

Let's take a look. It was Sellafield,

and nearest is Anneka. Very well played, Anneka.

APPLAUSE

It's a bit further up the coast in Cumbria, Sellafield.

Sizewell, that is roughly where Sizewell is, but not the first one.

And Leeds I'm hearing has yet to have a nuclear power station,

I'm sorry. LAUGHTER

Here comes your last question in this round. Where is this?

What's the location of the Battle of Stamford Bridge in 1066?

-ANNEKA:

-Oh, I just don't know that.

It's a tricky one. There's history teachers at home up in arms now

-because no-one has ever been listening.

-No, it's bad, isn't it?

-Has everyone locked an answer?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Excellent.

Nish Kumar, where was the Battle of Stamford Bridge, according to you?

Let's see.

I think it's in Hastings somewhere,

but I could not work out where Hastings is.

So you think Stamford Bridge is in Hastings and you think Hastings

is in London. That aside, I think that's a pretty good guess.

Anneka Rice, where have you gone?

-I just felt it was sort of north-east somewhere.

-Take a look.

-OK.

-Which is exactly north-east somewhere.

-Clara...

Clara has a little smile on her face. Where have you gone?

-Let's take a look.

-Yeah, there.

-Oh, there we go, sort of Maidenhead.

-Yeah.

-That sort of area.

-Exactly, it's all happening in Kent.

-And Al Murray, where have you gone?

-I feel very confident now.

OK, let's find out who wins the point here.

-Oh, brilliant!

-Oh, wow!

What about that, Anneka Rice? Well done!

That is sensational.

Yeah, of course in Yorkshire in 1066. That was very impressive.

-Unlucky, Al.

-Yeah, no, I mean, well done.

Anneka really clawing it back.

No, but I'm better at the sort of history,

geography sort of round, not... I just can't do all that.

Yeah, just the buzzers.

Shall we take a look at the scores leading into our final round?

Do we have to?

A four-point lead now going into the final round, Nish Kumar.

APPLAUSE

He was five points ahead and now he's four points ahead.

Yeah, but he's good at this next thing, isn't he?

-It's all in the head. He's getting in my head!

-Yeah.

As always, the final round is...

You know how this works, answers have smashed into each other.

For example, if they showed you a picture of Nish's face

and asked you for a confection consisting of sugar

and ground almonds, you would say Nish Kumarzipan.

NISH LAUGHS

So that's what we do here,

two answers and they smash into each other. First category is...

What will happen is we'll show you some pictures of TV chefs

followed by a clue. Smash them into each other, please.

One point for a correct answer, one point off if you give us

an incorrect answer. Nish, you have a four-point lead to protect.

It would be disastrous for you to blow that lead in this last round.

-Every part of my body is sweating.

-OK, here we go.

Tell me the name of the picture and tell me the answer for this clue.

Smash them together, please.

-BUZZER

-Oh! Argh...

-It's Nish Kumar.

-Rick Steinstein.

Rick Steinstein is the correct answer, well done.

I knew it, and then just as I was about to say it I was like,

"That's not correct."

Rick Steinstein. Here is your next one.

BUZZER Al Murray.

-Rustie Leeds United.

-Is it Rustie Leeds United?

It is indeed, very well done.

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

Here is your next one.

BUZZER

-Nish Kumar.

-John Torode To A Grecian Urn.

-John Torode To A Grecian Urn is the correct answer.

-Brilliant.

Very well done.

They've put John Torode On A Grecian Urn,

but I think it would be harsh of me not to give that to you.

Here's your next category.

So you'll see some pictures of rodents followed by the clues.

Smash the answers together, please.

BUZZER Al Murray.

Gerbill Clinton.

Was it Gerbill Clinton?

It is indeed, very well done. Very good answer.

They're satisfying when you get them, aren't they?

Here is your next one.

BUZZER

-Al Murray.

-Uh...

-Guinea pigiron.

-Guinea pigiron, is that correct?

-It's wrong.

-INCORRECT ANSWER BUZZER

It is not, I'm afraid. Anybody else?

-Nobody? Shall we take a look at the answer? CLARA:

-Go on, then.

-Did you get this at home?

-Yes!

-Oh.

-Can we have a round of applause to anyone who got that at home?

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Here's your next one.

BUZZER

-Al Murray.

-Porcupineapple.

LAUGHTER

Porcupineapple...

..is the correct answer, well done.

That's a nice one to say, porcupineapple.

Here's your next category.

What are the answer smashes here?

BUZZER That is Anneka Rice.

-Nick Cleggheads.

-It is Nick Cleggheads, very well played.

APPLAUSE

Here's your next one.

BUZZER

-Al Murray.

-Ed Miliband On The Run.

Is it Ed Miliband On The Run?

It is indeed, very well played.

APPLAUSE

SIREN BLARES

And that is the end of the show.

-Did Al Murray do enough in that final round?

-No.

Let's take a look at today's final scores.

Our winner is Nish Kumar by three points. Very well played, Nish.

APPLAUSE

Two days on the trot. What prize would you like today?

Yesterday you took home some House Of Games driving gloves, today...

The binoculars, that's really cool.

-So you're going to have the House Of Games binoculars?

-Yeah, definitely.

Nish Kumar walks away with a set of House Of Games binoculars.

Congratulations.

So, let's take a look at where our weekly leaderboard stands

with two days still to go.

Nish Kumar in the lead with 11 points, congratulations.

APPLAUSE

All still to play for, though.

Thank you so much for today, I will see you again tomorrow

and I will see all of you again tomorrow on House Of Games.