10/02/1977 The Good Old Days

# ..I'm always scheming

# Because I want you

# And only you

# Every little while

# My heart is aching

# Every little while

# I miss your smile

# And all the time I seem to miss you

# I want to, want to kiss you

# Every, every

# Every little while. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS FANFARE

RAPTUROUS CHEERING

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-RAUCOUSLY:

-Good evening!

Mellifluousness...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..made manifest in lush, lunar miscellany...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..with the impeccable expertise of the Players' Theatre

and the provocative piquancy...

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

..of Miss Jenny Wren!

APPLAUSE

# I'm such a silly when the moon comes out

# I hardly seem to know what I'm about

# Skipping, hopping, never, never stopping

# I can't keep still although I try

# I'm all a-quiver when the moonbeams glance

# That is the moment when I long to dance

# I can never close a sleepy eye

# When the moon comes creeping up the sky

# When the moon comes creeping up the sky

# Shine on, shine on, harvest moon

# Up in the sky

# I've had no loving

# Since January, February, June or July

# Snow time ain't no time

# To stay outdoors and spoon

# So shine on, shine on, harvest moon

# For me and my gal

# The moonlight blossoms only come out at night, you know

# Moonlight blossoms beneath the electric light, because

# We bloom all right

# But in morning's dew

# The poppies are busy and gathering up the moonlight's bloom

# Moon of love

# Romantic gypsy moon

# Shine above

# Your light will fade too soon

# Life is fair

# A path with roses strewn

# When you're there

# Romantic gypsy moon

# By the light

# Of the silvery moon

# I want to spoon

# To my honey I'll croon love's tune

# Honey moon, keep a shinin' in June

# Your silvery beams will bring love's dreams

# We'll be cuddling soon

# By the silvery moon

# By the silvery moon. #

Homeric...

..Herculean...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..histrionics...

..from Austria, Markus and Rosita!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

APPLAUSE

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

FANFARE MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Don't hold it against your husband, madam.

LAUGHTER

They are our exercises.

From the city,

sensuous, celebrant of svelte sophistication,

Miss Zena Millar!

APPLAUSE

INTRO MUSIC

# Though you'd assume from my feminine features

# A permanent tizzy I'm in

# I am not one of those scatterbrained creatures

# I'm bright and as sharp as a pin

# I can turn cartwheels and such acrobatics

# I passed with distinction in Greek and Mathematics

# On all my school sports days I won every race

# I'm not just a pretty face

# Though I may look quite alarmingly fragile

# Please don't let it cause you distress

# For you will find me surprisingly agile at getting me out of a mess

# My name on the programme is certain to pull 'em

# One season I played centre forward for Fulham! #

LAUGHTER

# I'm not advertising but just watch this space

# I'm not just a pretty face. #

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

# Wallflower, wallflower

# I'm tired of being a wallflower

# I try to look cheerful as well as I can

# But all that I want is a man

# I tried for the handsomest men at the ball

# But anything's better than nothing at all

# To dance with a millionaire prince would be nice

# But now I'll start faking it

# Using Old Spice... #

LAUGHTER

# Wallflower, wallflower

# I'm tired of being a wallflower

# I try to look cheerful as well as I can

# But all that I want is a man

# I've done all the things the advertisements say

# The right shade of lipstick

# The right kind of spray

# I've bought magazines to the end of me wealth

# But now I'll start taking in

# Do It Yourself

# Wallflower, wallflower

# Unsated, frustrated wallflower

# I try to look cheerful as well as I can

# But all that I want is a man

# Is a man

# But all that I want...

# ..is a man. #

APPLAUSE

Esoteric...

-ALL:

-Ooh!

..ethnic Argentinian exoticism...

Ooh!

..percussively corybantic,

South American folk dancing.

Ooh!

Arriba, arriba, arriba!

Los Gauchos!

APPLAUSE

Operationally antiphonal,

for your adulatory approbation...

Ooh!

..two celebrated siblings.

A singing brother and sister,

Maryetta and Vernon Midgley!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

THEY SING IN ITALIAN

MUSIC: Funiculi, Funicula

# Some think the world is made for fun and frolic

# And so do I

# And so do I

# Some think it well to be all melancholic

# To pine and sigh

# To pine and sigh

# But I I love to spend my time in singing

# Some joyous song

# Some joyous song

# To set the air with music bravely ringing

# Is far from wrong

# Is far from wrong

# Listen, listen, music sounds afar

# Listen, listen, music sounds afar

# Funiculi, funicula

# Funiculi, funicula

# Music sounds afar

# Funiculi, funicula

# La-la, la-la

# La-la-la, la-la

# La-la, la-la

# La-la-la, la-la

# Funiculi, funicula

# Funiculi, funicula

# Music sounds afar

# Funiculi, funicula

# Some think it wrong to set the feet a-dancing

# But not so I

# Not I!

# Some think that eyes should keep from coyly glancing

# Upon the sly

# Upon the sly

# But, oh, to me the mazy dance is charming

# Divinely sweet

# Divinely sweet!

# And surely There is nought that is alarming

# In nimble feet?

# In nimble feet?

# Listen, listen, echoes sound afar

# Listen, listen, echoes sound afar

# Funiculi, funicula

# Funiculi, funicula

# Echoes sound afar

# Funiculi, funicula

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la, la-la

# La-la-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la, la-la

# Funiculi, funicula

# Funiculi, funicula

# Echoes sound afar

# Echoes sound afar

# Afar!

# Hey! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Frivolous fatuities...

Ooh!

..anarchic asininities...

Ooh!

..from our garrulous guest artistes,

Messrs Mike and Bernie Winters!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Thank you very much.

May I say how very pleased I am to be here this evening.

-Bernie, say good evening.

-Z-z-z-z-z!

I must say, though, Bern, what a lovely-looking audience

-we have here tonight.

-Fantastic.

-Terrific.

Why don't you say good evening to all the ladies?

I will do. Good evening, ladies!

Good evening!

Actually, that wasn't very good, was it?

-It was wonderful.

-No, they can do much better than that.

Look, girls, my name is Mike and when I say, "Hello, girls,"

will you please all answer back nice and loudly, "Hello, Mike!"?

All right, you ready?

Hello, girls!

-Hello, Mike!

-Terrific.

I'll beat that easy. Good evening, gentlemen!

ONE MAN RESPONDS

LAUGHTER

I must say, ladies and gentlemen, it's great being back here in Leeds.

I'll tell you something, Bernie here has this leaning

-for anything Yorkshire, right?

-Oh, I have the leaning for Yorkshire.

LAUGHTER

-He does.

-I have, really.

I have this...leaning

towards Yorkshire,

especially Dewsbury. I'm very popular there.

-It's a good name you've got there.

-Dewsbury! You got it?

Yes! Right on, big daddy,

right on!

A very finely turned-out audience, if I may say so.

Yes, they look very elegant.

And I'll tell you this, Bernie, tonight, for you, you look good.

-Well, I've had a bath tonight.

-I know, you look, kind of, different.

-Yes, I saw my German barber.

-What's his name?

Herr Kutt.

LAUGHTER

Jawohl!

Come along.

-Where are we going?

-Now, listen,

for my little experiment this evening, I require...

..I require a lady volunteer from the audience.

-What about one for me?

-It is for you, it is for you.

-What about 'er down there, in the pink?

-Would you help us out?

No, you're lovely. Come on, get her up. Round of applause!

APPLAUSE

Can you get your leg up there, dear?

-I'm too fat!

-No, you're not fat! I'm fat!

Welcome, welcome. Lovely.

LAUGHTER

Charming.

Thank you very much. What is your first name?

-Elsie.

-Elsie.

-What can you say?

-After all these years, Elsie Tanner!

LAUGHTER

Elsie. I'm Bernie.

-How do you do?

-Very pleased to meet you, Elsie.

This is my father, Michael, here. A young-looking father.

-Where are you from, Elsie?

-Didsbury.

-From Didsbury!

You're not from Didsbury! Are you really?! Oh, that's wonderful.

-I know Didsbury well. Lovely place.

-Beautiful. Beautiful.

Listen, Elsie, just to relax proceedings,

would you give Bernie a friendly little kiss hello,

just to relax you both? All right?

It's difficult, isn't it?

-That's marvellous!

-Elsie, do you collect the stamps?

-Why?

-Well, you have got sticky lips.

Elsie, we are going to try and be romantic now, all right?

You're going to help me out.

Would you put your arms round Bernie's waist?

That's the fat bit round there!

-You're a fat one, too!

-Yes, I know, Elsie.

-Can you get closer?

-I am, I am.

-Closer, Bern.

-I am, I am.

-Closer!

-If I get any closer, I'll be behind her!

Break a minute. I'll tell you what we'll do,

we'll get a nice romantic picture.

-You kneel down and dangle Elsie on your lap.

-What?

LAUGHTER

You kneel down and dangle Elsie on your lap.

Do you know what I mean?

That's good. That's lovely.

It looks good. It looks good. Elsie, would you run your fingers

up and down Bernie's chest, like that?

Do I do that to Elsie?

No, you don't, no. No. No.

And, Elsie, as you are doing that, I want you to say, very romantically,

"Eeny, meeny, miny, mo".

LAUGHTER

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo.

That's as far as you can go.

I think you'd better stand up. I can see the agony on his face.

Can't you be more romantic?

My underpants are all twisted up. I can't move.

When you are with a lovely girl like Elsie,

the first thing you always do is offer the lady a drink.

We sell a lovely wine here in the bar. It's a lovely wine.

-It's a mixture between muscatel and hock.

-What's it called?

Muck.

LAUGHTER

Elsie...

-It's up to you, Elsie. You're going to act now.

-Yes.

I want you to be very romantic and act this bit for me, all right?

-Put your arms round Bernie's neck.

-Please, Elsie.

Oh, Elsie.

And I want you to say, "Bernie..."

-Yes, Michael?

-No...

LAUGHTER

Elsie is going to say this.

You say, "Bernie, I want what I want when I want it."

LAUGHTER

Can you remember that?

I'll cue you in, all right?

-Action... Take one!

-Which one shall I take?

Oh, stop it!

"I want what I want when I want it." Action!

I want what I want when I want it.

-Very good!

-Oh, Elsie! What a move!

All right?

Now...

-Now, you answer her.

-Well, you'll get what I've got when I get it!

Elsie, thank you very much!

A kiss for my little partner there. And one for me, Elsie.

And a round of applause for Elsie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This is our latest silly one. Hope you like it.

# Mums and dads go together

# Like a hand goes hand-in-hand

# Mums and dads go together

# Like the music in a band

# Mums and dads go together

# Like a sparrow in a tree

# Mums and dads like you and me

# Mums and dads go together

# Like a sausage goes with mash

# Mums and dads go together

# Like my banker needs the cash

# Mums and dads go together

# Like the strawberries in a jam

# Mums and dads, that's what we have

# A house could never be a home

# There wouldn't be kids even

# Saucepan lids

# If mums and dads weren't known

# And love would never, ever grow

# Mums and dads are just people

# And they start out very small

# Little children ain't people

# Till they're nearly six feet tall

# Mums and dads give and take love

# They give more than they take

# Just remember Before it gets too late... #

You know, what? It would sound much better if we had a choir.

Well, dear, oh, dear, we have got the best choir in the world here.

-No, they won't sing.

-Course you'll sing, won't you?!

-ALL:

-Yes!

No, unfortunately they don't know the words.

It's easy. If you wouldn't mind, all you have to sing is things like

# Mums and dads... # And they could be the backing group.

-We could try it.

-We'll try? Two, three and four...

ALL: # Mums and dads Oh, mums and dads

# Mums and dads

# Oh, mums and dads

# Oh, mums and dads

# Oh, mums and dads

# Mums and dads, like you and me... #

# Who put the fishy on the dishy when the boat comes in.. #

Three and four...

# Mums and dads

# Oh, mums and dads

# Mums and dads go together like the music in a band

# Mums and dads go together like a sparrow in a tree

# Mums and dads, like you and me! #

CHEERING

Beguiling...

-ALL:

-Ooh!

.. in unabashed blandishments...

-ALL:

-Ooh!

..your own, your very, very own,

Mr Frankie Vaughan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

WHOOPING

MUSIC: Paradise

# And then she holds

# My hand

# La-la-la-la

# La-la-la

# And then I understand

# La-la-la-la

ALL: # La-la-la-la... #

LAUGHTER

# Her eyes afire

# With one desire

# Then a heavenly kiss

# Could I resist?

# Then she dimmed

# The light

# La-la-la-la

ALL: # La-la-la-la

# And then I hold

# Her tight

# La-la-la-la

# La-la-la

# Each kiss

# Her sweet caress

# Lead the way

# To much happiness

# Yes... #

LAUGHTER

# She takes me

# To paradise. #

MUSIC: Ragtime Piano Joe

# The man who made his name in the moving picture show

# Was a man whose face we saw

# But his voice we didn't know

# The only things we heard him say

# Were on cards we read too slow

# The man who made him speak

# Was Ragtime Piano Joe

# It was the only thing that he knew

# Ragtime Piano Joe

# It was the only thing he could do

# That's Ragtime Piano Joe

# And when the hero walked through the door

# Or Charlie Chaplin fell through the floor

# Who was it made the show?

# Ragtime Piano Joe

# Al Jolson mooned and crooned

# And the talking pictures came to town

# Hoagy Carmichael played a tune

# It really brought you down

# Then Busby Berkeley clinched the deal

# And all the films had sound

# Joe took his life one night

# They say that he was drowned

# It was the only thing that he knew

# Ragtime Piano Joe

# It was the only thing he could do

# That's Ragtime Piano Joe

# And when the hero walked through the door

# Or Charlie Chaplin fell through the floor

# Who was it made the show?

# Ragtime Piano Joe

# It's late at night and to the movie house you go

# Sit at the back, stay out of sight

# You can still hear Ragtime Joe

# When the crowds have gone

# And the old-time songs

# The ones we used to know

# Can still be heard, but very faint

# It's the ghost of poor old Joe

# It was the only thing that he knew

# Ragtime Piano Joe

# It was the only thing he could do

# That's Ragtime Piano Joe

# And when the hero walked through the door

# Or Charlie Chaplin fell through the floor

# Who was it made the show?

# Ragtime Piano Joe. #

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'm very thrilled to be on The Good Old Days.

This stage means an awful lot to me.

It is the stage where first I did my very first professional engagement.

And this next song is one of the first songs I ever sang in that act.

Thank you very much.

MUSIC: Sonny Boy

# When there are grey skies

# I don't mind the grey skies

# You make them blue

# Sonny Boy

# Friends may forsake me

# Let them all forsake me

# You'll pull me through

# Sonny Boy

# You're sent from heaven

# And I know your worth

# You made a heaven

# For me, here on Earth

# When I'm old and grey, dear

# Promise you won't stray, dear

# For I love you so

# Sonny Boy

# Oh

# I love you so

# Sonny

# Boy. #

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

MUSIC: Give Me The Moonlight

# I never worry

# If a girl is bashful

# Or if a girl is shy

# You may wonder

# What I'd do

# There's nothing strange about it

# Here is all I ask of you... #

ALL: # Ooh!

Hooligans.

LAUGHTER

# Give me the moonlight... #

CYMBAL CRASH AND DRUMROLL

# Give me the girl

# And leave the rest

HE CHUCKLES

# To me

# Give me a shady nook

# By a babbling brook

# Where no-one else

# Can see

# Give me a bench for two

# Where we can bill and coo

# Mine, she's gonna be

# If there's anyone in doubt

# And they'd like to try me out

# Give me the moonlight

# Give me the girl

# And leave the rest

# To me

# Give me the girl

# To me

# Give me a bench for two

# Where we can bill and coo

# Mine, she's gonna be

# If there's anyone in doubt

# And they'd like to try me out

# Give me the moonlight

# Give me the girl

# And leave the rest

# To me, yeah! #

APPLAUSE

There is just time for one more chorus -

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Frankie Vaughan, Mike and Bernie Winters,

the entire company, Mr Bernard Hermann and the entire -

and absolutely indispensible - orchestra!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But this time, simply yourselves!

MUSIC: Down At The Old Bull And Bush

# Come, come

# Come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da-da, da-da-da

# Come, come

# Drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band

# Da-da-da, da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Come, come

# Come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME WITH FINALE MUSIC