06/01/1977 The Good Old Days

MUSIC: Oh! Oh! Antonio! by Florrie Forde

# Oh, oh, Antonio, he's gone away

# Left me all alonio, all on my ownio

# I'd like to see him with his new sweetheart

# Then up will go Antonio

# And his ice-cream cart. #

TRUMPET FANFARE

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

Once again...

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

Our cornucopic...

charivaria...

ingratiates...

initially with

a sparkling sextuplicity...

CHEERING

..perennial improteanism...

..The Players' Theatre!

APPLAUSE

# Who were you with last night?

# Who were you with last night?

# It wasn't your sister It wasn't your ma

# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah

# Who were you with last night?

# Out in the pale moonlight

# Are you going to tell your missus when you get home?

# Who were you with last night? #

# Every evening I am seen

# Walking home with Angeline

# She's the girl I idolise

# And she has such dreamy eyes

# So I'm just as happy as I can be

# When I'm in her company

# Troubles fly away and the world seems gay

# When I'm walking home with Angeline. #

# For when I walk

# I always walk with Billy

# Cos Billy knows just where to walk

# And when I talk I always talk with Billy

# Cos Billy knows just how to talk

# And when I dine I always dine with Billy

# He takes me out and pays the bill

# And when I sleep Yes, when I sleep

# I always dream of Bill. #

# Sweet Rosie O'Grady

# My beautiful Rose

# She's my little lady

# That everyone knows

# And when we are married

# How happy we'll be

# Cos I love sweet Rosie O'Grady

# And Rosie O'Grady loves me

# She's the only girl that I have ever met

# To set my poor heart in a whirl

# With her blue and smiling Irish eyes

# She can sure steal your heart away

# She's the only girl that I have ever met that

# I can promise never ever to forget

# For she beguiles if we can take the smiles by night and by day

# Cosy little Rosie is a Rosie Posey

# Sweet and fresh as morning dew and you can rest assured

# She is the prettiest girl you'll ever hope to see

# So let it be disclosed that I have just proposed

# And been accepted by my darling little Rose

# And Rosie O'Grady loves me. #

# Why do the boys run after the girls?

# And why do the girls love boys?

# Why do they stroll down green shady lanes?

# Sharing each other's joys

# Ever since Eve made poor old Adam grieve

# Together they're always found

# No matter the weather

# You'll find them together

# Just as long as the world goes round

# Just as long as the world goes round! #

APPLAUSE

Infectiously...

AUDIENCE CHEER

Not quite the same as contagious.

LAUGHTER

Refreshing in a dashing distillation of digital

and metatarsal eurhythmic spontaneity.

Twin tap dancing.

Mr Bill Drysdale and Miss Christine Cartwright.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Magisterial manifestations

of verisimilitudinous

ventral vocalisation.

Voice throwing.

Welcome back to Mr John Bouchier!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, thank you very much indeed for that very nice introduction.

'Nice introduction, you didn't understand a word of it!'

LAUGHTER

As a matter of fact I did. 'Well, I didn't.'

That's because you're not very well-educated,

and without a good education, you'll never be able to work.

'I was working all last summer.

'I was a lifeguard on the beach all summer, saving the girls.'

Saving the girls. What for?

'The winter.

'What's that thing there?'

That's got nothing whatever to do with you but as you've mentioned it,

I'd like to show the ladies and gentleman,

so I'd like you to sit down and be a good boy, sit over here.

That's the idea, just sit there like that, all right?

And I'll show the ladies and gentleman.

In fact, you can turn you head round like that.

A little girl came up to me. She said, "Would you do me a favour?"

I said, "Certainly." She said, "Could you mend my dolly for me?"

I said, "Yes, if you've got the part."

So she gave me the body, I said, "Is there any more to it?"

She said, "No." I thought, "Well, it needs a head."

So I got a sort of tennis ball and cut it in half, painted it up

so it looked like a face,

and placed it on the back of my hand like this with a piece of elastic.

-HE COUGHS

-Excuse me.

Throat needs clearing.

'Needs cutting.'

LAUGHTER

That wasn't very polite.

'No, but it was sincere.'

I said, "How's that?" She said, "That's fine.

"There's only one thing wrong with it - there are no lips on it."

So I borrowed a stick of lipstick and I painted some lips on it

rather like this.

-'It's your own lipstick.'

-LAUGHTER

I said, "What do you call this little fella?"

She said, "Andy". So that's what we're going to call him.

There he is, there's Andy.

APPLAUSE

Hello, Andy. 'Hello.'

How are you? 'Very well, thank you.'

I'm very pleased to hear that. Do you go to school?

'I go to two schools.'

Oh, two schools. 'Weekday school and Sunday school.'

Oh. Which school do you like best? 'Sunday school.'

Why is that? 'I only go once a week.' Oh.

APPLAUSE

Can you sing?

'I can do the scales.' All right, do the scales for me.

'Do, re, me, fa...

-'sol, la, si, do!'

-VOICE BREAKS

Well, it's not bad but you must learn to hold your note.

Could you hold a note? 'Certainly.' How long for?

'As long as you can.' As long as I can(!)

Well, I'll tell you what we'll do,

we'll have a little practice, a little rehearsal.

-See if you can hold a note for everybody here.

-'Now?'

Yes, now. 'OK.'

HE HOLDS A HIGH NOTE

'OK.' That's fine.

Well, that's lovely. Now, for being such a good little boy,

would you like a little piece of chocolate?

'I'd like a big piece of chocolate.

'Greedy guts.'

You can't have a lot of chocolate because you'll be ill,

but here's a little piece of chocolate

and when it's gone, will you let me know because its past your bedtime?

There we are. That's the idea. Don't bite my finger, that's it.

Has it gone yet? 'Not yet.'

Hurry up and take your time.

School tomorrow.

LAUGHTER

You'll get no pocket money.

Now? 'Yes, thank you.' Show me your tongue.

Oh, yes, so it has, thank you.

DA-DA!

Ah, this is lovely, this is my Aunt Ada, say hello. 'Hello, dears.'

That's right.

'It is nice to see so many gentlemen in uniform.'

Yes, it is nice, isn't it?

'Oh, he's rather gorgeous, isn't he?'

Do you mean the chairman?

'Yes, dear.' Oh, you like him, do you? Leonard Sachs.

'Does he, dear?'

LAUGHTER

No, that's his name.

I expect you're thinking about your summer holidays, aren't you?

'Yes, dear.' Where did you go last year?

'I went on a world cruise last year.'

Did you? 'Yes. I think I'll go somewhere else this year.'

And when you were on your world cruise, did you visit Greece?

'Oh, yes, dear.'

And when you were in Greece, did you have the shish kebabs?

All the time I was there.

'Well, I...

'I can't sit here all night,

'I'm going up to the Circle Bar for a little drink.' Are you? 'Yes'.

You won't drink too much whilst you're up there, will you?

'No, dear, I always know when I've had enough.' How's that?

'I fall flat on my face.'

Well, now, listen, I think

I'd better accompany you to the bar, so will you say good night, auntie?

'Good night, Auntie.'

Good night, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

From Australia,

a desirable debutant,

dichotomous in...

Looking two ways.

..in a dilemma, presuming your participatory reciprocity.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

Miss Bea Aston!

APPLAUSE

# Sweet Susie Simpson had such lovely hair

# It reached down to her waist

# Till friends sweetly told her that around Mayfair

# Having hair was thought bad taste

# Bobbed or shingled It must be, dear, said they

# If you wish to be wed

# Till in blank despair in that faithful chair

# At the hairdressers shop She said...

# Shall I have it bobbed or shingled?

# Shall I have it shingled or bobbed?

# Sister Cissie said oh, have it shorn short, Sue

# Shingled, shorn and shaven like the swell set do

# Shall I have it shingled shorter?

# Said Susie as she sighed and sobbed

# Sister Cissie said she doesn't see it short and shingled

# But both my brothers Bert and Bobbie say it's better bobbed

# Inside the butcher's shop at Golders Green

# Just after closing time

# A cat caught its tail in the sau-sage machine

# And was cut off in her prime

# She walked out with her tail ripped off

# And swang to the cats with pride

# Then the tabs and Toms with their tos and froms

# In the sausage machine and cried Ohhh!

# Shall I have it bobbed or shingled?

# Shall I have shingled or bobbed?

# Sister Cissie says oh, have it shorn short, Sue

# Singled, shorn and shaven like the swell set do

# Shall I have it shingled shorter?

# Said Susie as she sighed and sobbed

# Sister Cissie said she doesn't see it short and shingled

# But both my brothers Bert and Bobbie say its better bobbed. #

Third verse coming up. Then it's your turn.

# Lady Godiva on a snow white mare once rode through Coventry

# And all she was wearing was her lovely hair

# Oh, it reached down to her knees

# Peeping Tom at his window pane exclaimed when he saw the sight

# Oh, your hair's all wrong cos it is much too long

# And Godiva replied "You're right." #

She said... Here we go...

# Shall I have it bobbed or shingled?

# Shall I have it shingled or bobbed?

# Sister Cissie says oh, have it shorn short, Sue

# Shingled, shorn and shaven like the swell set do

# Shall I have it shingled shorter?

# Said Susie as she sighed and sobbed

# Sister Cissie says she'd sooner see it short and shingled

# But both my brothers, Bert and Bobbie, say it's better bobbed. #

Oh, that was very good. In fact, it was so good,

I think we can try it again but a bit quicker this time.

Are you ready? Here we go!

# Shall I have it bobbed or shingled?

# Shall I have it shingled or bobbed?

QUICKLY: # Sister Cissie says oh, have it shorn short, Sue

# Shingled, shorn and shaven like the swell set do

# Shall I have it shingled shorter?

# Said Susie as she sighed and sobbed

# Sister Cissie says she'd sooner see it short and shingled

# But both my brothers, Bert and Bobbie, say it's better bobbed. #

AUDIENCE: Wahey!

From France...

Gal.. Don't get excited.

LAUGHTER

Galvanically Gaelic panache.

-AUDIENCE:

-Wow!

Precipitates a proliferative

prodigality of perilous peedle propulsion.

Foot juggling. LAUGHTER

Monsieur Leo Bassi!

APPLAUSE

CIRCUS MUSIC

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Bravo!

Bravo!

Et bien merci, madames et monsieurs.

Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Now I would like to attempt, for

the first time in Great Britain, an extraordinary feat with my feet.

I would like to try and juggle this piano here,

a genuine Stradivarius.

You can admire the woodwork.

So to prove that I'm an honest person

and that I'm very sincere, and there are no tricks, may I have

a gentleman from the audience which my charming partner, Armelle,

is going to fetch.

So could I have a gentleman, please? A gentleman anywhere.

A volunteer.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much.

No funny business, Armelle! No funny business, s'il vous plait.

-Alors, s'il vous plait, quelle est votre nom? Do you speak...?

-Tom.

-He speaks French.

-Oh, yes.

Tom, Tom, my name is Leo. This is Armelle.

So, Mr Tom, could you come over here?

In England, it is not Mr Tom? In England?

Could you tell the ladies and gentleman

whether you think this is heavy?

Very.

I'll give you a fiver late on, thank you.

HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

But I am French, so this is true.

Now, Mr Tom. Mr Tom, do you like working?

-Not very much.

-He doesn't like working.

-Too bad for you.

It's too bad, it's terrible because tonight you must work.

Vous allez travailler un petit peu.

-Could you put this piano onto my feet, please?

-Easy.

LAUGHTER

It is more easy for you, difficult for me.

Now, bring the piano forward.

A moment of silence because there might be some dead people here.

OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, Beethoven will play now concerto

for feet and piano.

-Is that right?

-That is right.

-That is right! Thank you very much.

Go on, Tom.

DRUMROLL

Thank you, Tom!

Thank you very much.

CIRCUS MUSIC

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

TRUMPET PLAYS FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM

APPLAUSE

A jubilant germination

of jauntily coordinate corybantics.

Simultaneous steps.

Mr Bill Drysdale and Miss Christine Cartwright.

APPLAUSE

JAUNTY MUSIC HALL TUNE

APPLAUSE

Seductively inveigling

our inveterate voluptuaries.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Licentious soldiery

in illimitable libidinousness...

Desire.

Miss Bea Aston!

APPLAUSE

# Since I was a child of three

# If someone would cuddle me

# I'd cry for more more, more, more

# Cos I'm a glutton for love

# I thought kissing was so nice

# No-one had to ask me to twice

# I'd cry for more more, more, more

# Cos I'm a glutton for love

# And though I'm now grown-up

# I'll own up

# I haven't changed a bit

# If you are affectionate You can bet

# With me, you make a hit

# Wish I knew a super chic

# One whose kisses would last a week

# I'd cry for more... Uh-huh

# I'm a glutton for love

# Now, I don't know my pedigree

# But someone in my family wished an awful habit on poor me

# Let me tell you I was born a kissin' bug

# With arms that always want a hug

# Petting seems to be my specialty

# Love is my weakness, I'll admit

# Seems there is no cure for it. #

Hit it, Maestro!

# When I'm with my Romeo

# Never do I tell him no

# I just cry more, more, more, more

# Cos I'm a glutton for love

# In a car I'm proper nice

# I'm a girl who don't walk back

# I just cry more, more, more, more

# I'm a glutton for love

# And every place I go seems they know

# I'm one who loves to mush

# The moment I arrive

# It's like a subway ride

# I could squeeze from now until

# Seems I'll never get my fill

# I cried for more more, more, more

# Cos I'm a glutton for love. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Frenetic, in a fusillade of frivolous ephemera,

the one and only,

Mr Ken Dodd.

APPLAUSE

Chuck it!

Have you chucked it?!

Would you mind telling the Blubberhouses Temperance Orchestra

to jack it up?

Ladies and gentlemen, my Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress,

Alderman Tickle,

Chairman of the Ways and Means committee,

President of the Sewage... HE SNIFFS

Rightio.

Gladys from the chip shop.

First of all, folks, I'd like to say - aye, aye!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aye, aye!

Ah, don't be so skinny with it. Aye, aye!

-AUDIENCE:

-Aye, aye!

Stop being skinny with it, girls.

You're not skinny with it, are you, missus?

No, you don't look as though you'd be.

I'd like to say... how full of plumptiousness.

How... Oh, yes, they can't touch you for it,

not if you touch your hands, and cut your nails.

-Are you ready for it?

-Yes!

-Do you want it?

-Yes!

-Shall I give it to you?

-Yes!

Well, where is it? I've lost it!

Right, I'll soon find it.

AUDIENCE GASPS

KEN MUMBLES AND SHOUTS

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohh...

-AUDIENCE:

-Wahey!

Right!

This is it, right.

Geronimo!

By Jove, I needed that!

This is it, missues, me knockers-up pole.

I've been round your street loads.

If I can get this through your letterbox, I'll have you

on that early bus.

Oh, do you know?!

Do you know, that's the way I feel tonight, love.

Oh, I do, I feel full of it. Do I look full of it?

What an exhilarating day, gentlemen, for surprising your missus,

it's nature's way.

Fill their tights up with King Edward potatoes.

Say, "Be thankful for small Murphys."

Try ramming... Oh, no, we can't do that!

-Yes, go on, go on!

-Yes? Go on! Come on.

Coax me. Go on!

-Make me do it, make me do it. Go on! AUDIENCE:

-Go on!

I will, I will, I will.

Ramming a cucumber through the vicar's letterbox and saying,

"Look out, the Martians are coming."

Here in this beautiful shoebox... theatre, ladies and gentlemen.

It's beautiful, by Jove.

Isn't it a beautiful theatre? It is lovely.

Notice how all the walls are done in rococo

by a well-known chocolate firm.

Notice how cunning they have made the floor here

so it just reaches your feet. This is a feature.

The ceiling...

The ceiling here is an exact replica of the Sistine Chapel,

done in distemper.

It's beautiful. There's a story attached to this theatre.

It's on the wall in the gents, it's a good'un.

What?!

You see what we are trying to do? Drive you crackers.

No, what we are trying to do, Mrs Warren,

is get your chuckle muscles working, love.

Get your chuckle muscles working.

That's here in the middle of your diagram.

So could we have a trial laugh?

It's very unusual for the artist to audition the audience,

but there we are, might start a trend.

A trial ha-ha. After three, a trial ha-ha. One, two, three...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ha-ha.

I wonder whether anyone will laugh tonight.

Some people never laugh, you know. Some people have no...

Some people come to see my show.

They said they'd been to a play.

They've...

East Lynne.

He was on here last week, you know, East Lynne. Yes.

I offered myself for the part of Little Willy but they said no.

He couldn't book me for a very obvious reason. This...

LAUGHTER

We were all here at East Lynne and the Queen was here, Queen Victoria.

The Queen, she spoke to me.

She said, "Oh, I thought you'd emigrated."

What is a laugh? What is a laugh?

A laugh is a noise that comes out of a hole in your face.

Ha-ha! Anywhere else and you are in trouble.

Professor Sir Bernard Hermann, have you any laughter, ha-ha music?

-Yes, we have.

-Could we have a little bit, please? Thank you.

MUSIC: The Blue Danube Waltz by Strauss

# Ha-ha, ha-ha! #

Lovely, come on! Hit the note.

# Ha-ha, ha-ha! #

Hee-hee.

# Hee-hee Hee-hee. #

Whoo-ho-hoo.

# Whoo-ho-hoo. #

Missus, are you laughing at something I said

or something he's done?

I can't take credit for another lad's work.

People laugh at all sorts of screwy things like politicians

and policemen.

# I know a fat old policeman He's always down our street

# He's such a jolly red-faced man it really is a treat

# He's too kind for a policeman he's never known to frown

# And everybody says he is the happiest man in town

# Oh-ha-ha-ha

# Hee-hee-hee-hee

# Oh-ha-ha-ha. #

I've let the New Year in.

Right, now it is your turn. One, two, three - go! Altogether!

-# Oh-ha-ha-ha. #

-Come on, let's hear you!

-# Oh-ha-ha-ha. #

-Get some chuckle muscles working!

# Oh-ha-ha-ha. #

APPLAUSE

And where better...

Where better to celebrate laughter

and the music hall than here in the north? The heart of the north.

NORTHERN ACCENT: Heart of the north!

That's Eddie Waring.

# Da-da-da-da! #

Eddie Waring, the talking trilby.

We're British, no matter where we're from - British and proud of it,

-aren't we? ALL:

-Yes!

Folks, I stand here tonight full of the bulldog spirit

and with teeth to match. I tell you...

LAUGHTER

It's the food, sir, it's the food. It stands to reason, the food.

We English, we eat sensible food like pigs' trotters,

tripe and chitterlings.

The Germans, they've all got square heads,

too much Oxo, that's what it is.

And the French, the French, no wonder the French are always

romantic, have you seen those long loaves they're always eating?

It's true.

And you wouldn't fancy one of those Spanish fellas, these hot-blooded...

These picadors, toreadors,

in the front a-door, out the back a-door.

Scandinavians, big hairy great Danes with horns growing

out of their hats, bacon sandwiches strapped to their legs.

Roaming all round Yorkshire, offering housewives free rashers.

No, I've no idea what day he's round at.

My sister, she was engaged to an Eskimo, she broke it off.

And then of course...

You wouldn't fancy one of those handsome Italians with

the black wavy hair, would you, girls?

ITALIAN ACCENT: Gradi-cheri-veri-geri.

Gradi-geri-veri, tickle your Auntie Mary...

Cheri-veri.

They creep up behind you when you're doing the sprouts.

"Pffrt!"

In Germany, all the men are herrs, very confusing.

It is.

The German housewives starch their husband's underpants.

That is why they all walk around...

In Russia, in Russia, everything ends in "off" so you've no chance.

Ladies and gentlemen, since we've got

so many beautiful ladies in here this evening,

I'd like to tell you about my romantic exploits where I go

doing all my courting,

down in the fields where the buttercups all grow.

# Now, Mary Green loves me and I love her true

# We blush when we meet like all true-lovers do

# Behind the plantation where green meadows run

# We spoon in the dark and we have lots of fun

# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow

# My sweetheart said I was too bashful and slow

# But she changed her mind when I let meself go

# Down in the field where the buttercups all grow

# The songsters were greeting the day newly born

# The sheep in the meadow the cows in the corn

# And when sheep and cows have been round there a bit

# It's not a nice place for a lady to sit... #

LAUGHTER

# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow

# A cow licking Mary's face tickled her so

# She thought it was me and said

# "Don't slobber, Joe"

# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow

-AUDIENCE:

-# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow

# A ten-gallon barrel on top of the hill

# Came crashing towards us My heart, it stood still

# But Mary stood bravely Unflinching and true

# Her legs were so bandy the barrel rolled through

# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow

# Our courtship was swift and our honeymoon slow

# The bed was too small so we both had to go

# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow. #

Altogether!

# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow. #

Ladies and gentlemen!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, there's just time for me

to ask Mr Ken Dodd to lead the company and ourselves

in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Mr Ken Dodd, the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann,

and the entire and inexhaustible orchestra.

APPLAUSE

On this side, chiefly, yourself!

-ALL:

-# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da, da, da, da, da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German Band Da, da, da, da, da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do come and have a drink or two down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE