18/03/1976 The Good Old Days

AUDIENCE: # Hello, hello Who's your lady friend?

# Who's the little girlie by your side?

# I've seen you with a girl or two

# Oh, oh, oh, I am surprised at you

# Hello, hello Stop your little games

# Don't you think your ways you ought to mend?

# It's not the girl I saw you with at Brighton

# Who, who, who's your lady Who, who, who's your lady

# Who, who, who's your lady friend? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FANFARE

LOUD CHEERING

EXPECTANT CHEERS

Once again!

CHEERING

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

LOUD CHEERING

-Esotericism...

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-That means out-of-the-ordinariness.

-LAUGHTER

Offers an exposition,

-an etymological exposition...

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

..exhibiting the multipotent pliability

of the Players' Theatre,

none other than Mr Robin Hunter!

LOUD CHEERING

# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang

# That's the Cockney way, you see

# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang

# You can learn to talk like me

# So just put on your I'm afloat

# And grab your tit-for-tat

# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk

# Down the rub-a-dub, how's that? #

Evening, ladies and gents.

Us Cockneys, being a gregarious kind of people,

we like to have intercourse with our visitors.

In the nicest possible way, that is, of course.

Trouble is, sometimes they don't understand what we're talking about.

Now it's true, I'm not just sitting here on the green gage,

giving you a load of orchestra stalls.

So, to solve this little communication problem,

I've written this little song. It's called Rhyming Slang.

The first verse goes something like this.

# Now I am a genuine Cockney

# Not a Geordie or a Brummie or a Scouse

# And the sound of Bow bells can be clearly heard

# From the roof of my little old house

# Now I got a funny way of talking

# And I do it most of the time

# Cos when I use a word

# It's not the word what I've heard

# But another what with it will rhyme

# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang

# That's the Cockney way, you see?

# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang

# You can learn to talk like me

# So just put on your I'm afloat

# And grab your tit-for-tat

# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk

# Down the rub-a-dub, how's that?

# Cos if you're a genuine Cockney

-# Your beer is your old...

-Pig's ear

-# And your trouble and strife

-That's your dear little wife

# She's your donor and you love her so dear

-# Your fire is your...

-Anna Maria

-# And your door is your...

-Rory O'Moore

# Yes, when we say a word

# It's not the word what we heard

# But another what we're searching for

# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang

# That's the Cockney way, you see?

# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang

# You can learn to talk like me

# So just put on your I'm afloat

# And grab your tit-for-tat

# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk

# Down the rub-a-dub, how's that? #

You'll get me, ladies and gentlemen.

-Cos if you are boracic lint...?

-AUDIENCE: Skint.

Thank you.

-And you want to tumble down the sink?

-Drink.

-You've got to find some bees and honey.

-Money!

-Of course, you can always have a drink on the garden gate.

-Slate.

You know the slate, do you, madam?

But you've got to be very careful to pay up,

otherwise the guv'nor may give you a swift kick right up your Aris.

Ah...that's a difficult one, that. That's double.

That's Aris, that's Aristotle, that's bottle.

That's bottle and glass and that's where you get the kick!

On the other hand, you could get a bunch of fives

right in your I suppose.

# Cos if you're a genuine Cockney

-# Your nose is your...

-I suppose

# And your great big mouth is your...

# North and south

# You can see how the language grows

-# Your best Sunday suit is your...

-Whistle and flute

-# And your boots are your...

-Daisy roots.

# Yes, when we say a word

# It's not the word what we've heard

# Cos for grammar we don't give two hoots... #

All together now!

AUDIENCE: # Rhyming slang, rhyming slang

# That's the Cockney way, you see?

# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang

# You can learn to talk like me

# So just put on your I'm afloat

# And grab your tit-for-tat

# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk

# Down the rub-a-dub, how's that?

# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk

-# Down the rub-a-dub, how's that? #

-Oi!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

Jubilance in a jaunty germination...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

..of twinning

of juvenescent jocundity,

still very young -

The James Boys.

CHEERING

# I want a girl just like the girl

# That married dear old Dad

# She was a pearl and the only girl

# That Daddy ever had

# A good old-fashioned girl with heart so true

# One who loves nobody else but you

# I want a girl just like the girl

# That married

# Dear old Dad. #

APPLAUSE

# Rosie, you are my posey

# You are my heart's bouquet

# Why don't you come out here in the moonlight?

# There's something sweet, love

# I wanna say I wanna sing about for baby

# Your honey boy, I'm waiting

# Those ruby lips to greet

# Don't be so captivating

# My blushing Rosie

# My posey sweet

# My blushing Rosie

# My posey sweet. #

APPLAUSE

Two, three, four.

# Rock-a-bye your baby

# With a Dixie melody

# When you croon, you croon a tune

# From the heart of Dixie

# Just place that cradle, mammy mine

# Right on that Mason-Dixon Line

# And swing it from Virginia

# To Tennessee with all the love that's in ya

# Weep no more, my lady

# Sing that song again for me

# Sing it soft and low

# Just as though you had me on your knee

# A million baby kisses

# I'll deliver

# If you will only sing that Swanee River

# Rock-a-bye your rock-a-bye baby

# With a chosen

# Melody! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Twinkling terpsichorean...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Terpsichore with an 'an' at the end.

Transports inimitably initiated

in imperturbably impeccable immaculacy...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

..by Mr Richard Hearne!

LOUD CHEERING

Hello!

AUDIENCE: Hello!

-Hello, Caroline.

-LAUGHTER

That's my little granddaughter, Caroline.

I say, don't you look lovely?

You really do. You look absolutely marvellous.

-Cor!

-LAUGHTER

You do, really.

Do you know, this is my fourth time here.

My fourth time.

And what do you think I've got to do?

They want me to dance the Lancers.

LAUGHTER

CHEERS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

-You want me to dance the Lancers?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

You must be potty!

Well, then, if there's anybody here, if there happens to be anybody here

who hasn't seen my dance the Lancers, may I just explain,

I want you to use your imagination.

I want you to imagine that this is an old Victorian ballroom

and dotted about are a lot of old Victorian couples,

-rather like we have in front here.

-LAUGHTER

All beautiful.

Have you by any chance some Victorian Lancers music?

-Yes, we have.

-Would you like to play it for me?

LANCERS MUSIC

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

ROARS OF LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

ROARS OF LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: More! More!

More! More!

More! More! More! More!

Irrefutably aphrodisiacs...

Audience: Ooh!

The sergeant should know what that means.

-If not, you tell him, madam.

-LAUGHTER

Effulgent in roseate

efflorescences,

Miss Jan Carrey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I am the belle of New York

# The subject of all the town's talk

# I make the old Bowery fragrant and flowery

# When I go out for a walk

# I'm soft as a snowy white dove

# I'm simply created to love

# The fellas all sigh for me

# They'd even die for me

# I am the belle of New York

AUDIENCE CHEERS

# The American girl, she dance like this

# In a haughty manner

# But the lady from France, she dance like this... #

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

# In a naughty manner

# Now, which do you like the best, monsieur?

# Now, which do you like to see?

# The proud and haughty American girl

# Or the lady

# From Gay Paree?

# A la belle Parisienne

# I do captivate you men

# With a naughty little way I have of dancing

# When around the room I go

# I will kick my skirt just so

# It's the little kick that makes the dance entrancing

# The fellas all sigh for me

# They'd even die for me

# I am the belle

# Of New York! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I used to dream

# That I would discover

# The perfect lover... #

LAUGHTER

-Is he?

-Yes.

# Some day

# I knew I'd recognise him

# If ever

# He came down

# My way

# I always used to fancy then

# He'd be one of the god-like kind of men

# With a giant brain

# And a noble head

# Like the heroes bold

# In the books I've read

# But along came Bill

# He's not the type at all

# You'd see him on the street

# And never notice him

# His form and face

# His many grace

# Are not the kind that you

# Would find in a statue

# And I can't explain

# It's surely not his brain

# That makes

# That makes me thrill

# I love him

# Because he's wonderful

# Because he's just

# My Bill

# And I can't explain

# Surely not his brain

# That makes

# That makes me thrill

# I love him

# Because he's

# Wonderful

# Because he's just

# My

# Bill! #

APPLAUSE

-Now you know what aphrodisiac means.

-LAUGHTER

Unabashed

in irreducibly exuberant...

AUDIENCE GROAN

..ebullient buffoonery.

Once again, Mr Robin Hunter!

APPLAUSE

# Jones was a fellow who went the pace with all his youthful might

# And took a great delight in staying out all night

# When people were thinking of going to bed around the West he'd roam

# He'd go to pubs and go to clubs but never would go home

# But one night inside the club he gave his pals a fright

# When he said, "I'm going home" and wished them all good night

# They thought that he was joking and they all laughed out aloud... #

-Ha-ha-ha.

-LAUGHTER

# But Jones looked very serious as he shouted to the crowd

# "Oh, I must go home tonight

# "I must go home tonight

# "I don't care if it's snowing or blowing, I'm going

# "I only got married this morning It fills me with delight

# "I'll stay out as long as you like this week..."

Wait for it!

Revelations one.

# "But I must go home tonight

# Dee-diddle-di-di Diddly dum-de-da-da... #

Ow. Oh.

Oh, that's painful, madam. Especially in these trousers!

LAUGHTER

Do you like the suit? It's nice.

It's all a facade. A theatrical facade.

-Look at that tie. Look at that.

-LAUGHTER

Ridiculous. The bleedin' hat doesn't fit. Look!

What are the words? What do you think I'm doing up here?!

# Off to the station he made a dash to ask about his train

# To take him home again, but he asked all in vain

# They said, "There's none running tonight to where you want to go

# "All traffic is suspended cos the line's blocked up with neige"

# He walked up and down the platform anything but gay... #

This is him...

walking up and down the platform.

When I first did this song 20 years ago,

the director said do something gay.

This is it!

LAUGHTER

Pathetic, isn't it?

# A porter said, "You'll have to wait till morning, I'm afraid"

# But Jones said, "That's impossible

# "I cannot be delayed"... #

All together now.

# "Oh, I must go home tonight

# "I must go home tonight

# "I don't care if it's snowing or blowing, I'm going

# "I only got married this morning It fills me with delight

# "I'll stay out as long as you like this week..."

Silence!

LAUGHTER

# "But I must go home tonight"

# Dee-diddle-di-di Diddly dum-de-da-da... #

Ow. Oh.

It doesn't get any easier.

A very difficult step, this.

Leonard Sachs taught me this step.

Well, he didn't teach me. It's how he walks.

LAUGHTER

# Out of the station he made a dive and in the street did land

# He yelled and waved his hand for a hansom off the Strand

# He gave his address to the driver and in confidence agreed

# To give him... ba-ca-doo-da-ca Look-a-ba-ca-boo... #

QUIET LAUGHTER

I've never learned that bit, have I?

# But smash

# Went the hansom for the speed was far too high

# Said Jones, "I don't live up here" as he shot in the sky

# He landed on the pave-myent... #

On the pave-myent!

# And a police-myan said

# "Hello

# "We'll take you to the hopital"... #

Where the hopity people go!

# But Jonesy whispered, "No"... #

Ladies and gentlemen, at this juncture,

I'm going to do a knee drop.

20 years ago, a knee drop was to me a matter of course.

Tonight, it may be the last knee drop...

LAUGHTER

# "Oh, I must go home tonight

# "I must go home tonight

# "I don't care if it's snowing or blowing, I'm going

# "I only got married this morning It fills me with delight

# "I'll stay out as long as you like this week

# "But I must go home tonight

# "I must go home tonight, I must go home tonight

# "I don't care if it's snowing or blowing, I'm going

# "I only got married this morning It fills me with delight

# "I'll stay out as long as you like this week

# "But I must go home to..."

# Bee-ba-ba-bee-ba-ba-bo! #

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

Munificent in the mountebankery of

meandering malapropism,

the one and only Miss Hylda Baker!

MUSICAL FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Hey, shurrup!

I feel awkward, you know.

CHEERING

No, like, I mean...

I'm just looking for my friend, you see.

Do you happen to have seen her?

She's tall.

She's tall and blonde.

With sort of, erm, aquamarine features.

Yes, she wears her hair

in a kind of Nutcracker Suite.

She looks a bit like Lolla Brigadier.

LAUGHTER

As a matter of fact, I think

it was yesterday a fella took her for Lolla Brigadier.

Then the police took him for being drunk and disorderly!

No, oh, she's here.

WHOOPING

Cynthia!

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

Where you dashing to?

I said...

WHERE

ARE YOU

DASHING TO?

C'mere, I want you.

LAUGHTER

Oooh.

I wish you wouldn't keep your purse down there.

It's one of those with a twisted top. It's got...

I've been... Where've you been, eh?!

It's quarter past... Oh, I must get a little hand put on this...

Where've you been, eh?

I told you it'd be soon, didn't I?

BE SOON, I said.

BE SOON!

Look at her...

She looks through you.

I wouldn't care, but she knows, you know.

Just won't let on, you see.

That's it. That...

SHE MUTTERS

She's not all she should be.

No, she's not been the same

since she fell off their Alfred's tantrum.

Oh, yes. What...What a thing that was, you know.

There was three of them on it,

should only be only two on a tantrum, you see.

They were riding along.

You'd only gone about 15 yards, hadn't you?

15 YARDS!

Say, yeah.

15 yards, but a dog comes right in front of them

so she being the biggest,

she went right over the top and hit herself right into the lamppost.

Their Alice, she was the first one to come to.

Alice she came to herself, out of herself

and she shouted to a fella, "Fetch the doctor!" So...

Well, she knows, Alice does, cos she works at the hospital.

She's a nurse there. Well,

not exactly a nurse.

She's a cleaner there, you know, so...

she knows what's she doing.

SHE'S CLEVER, ISN'T SHE, ALICE?

CLEVER, YOUR ALICE!

Hmmmm...

Nobody can make senna pods like their Alice.

She really ought to be certified, you know. Anyway,

she fetched the doctor, this fellow and the doctor...

He only looked at you once, didn't he?

He said, "I'm no use to her," he said.

"What this girl needs is the pie-chiatrist."

Anyway, she went to the pie-chiatrist and he says,

"I'm sorry," he says, "I won't be able to dog nose your case today,

"come back Thursday."

Thursday, yes, I've just told them that. "Thursday," he says,

"and I'll piecomanamalyse you."

You could feel the strength leaving her body, you know.

Cos she's never had it, you see.

Then he tried to "delve", that's what he said he was doing.

He says, "I'm trying to delve into her past. Are you married?"

"ARE YOU MARRIED," he said to you, didn't he?

So she said no.

And that's when I butted in.

I said, "No, she's not married,

"but she's not been neglected."

LAUGHTER

Well, I wasn't letting him have all his own way because she's not,

I mean, that fellow that she went out with, you know, ohhhhh!

He was...

He were... He was a sailor, wasn't he?

A SAILOR!

Yeah. He asked you to marry him, didn't he? Yes.

Well, he wasn't exactly a sailor, he leads a horse down the canal bank.

LAUGHTER

So...

wherever there was a canal, I mean...

He'd have to be there, wouldn't he?

When you get married you want them at home, don't you?

Well, at first you do any road. Anyway,

she should worry and spoil her shape cos she's a beautiful actress.

Oh, she's been in the amateurs now...

HOW LONG YOU BEEN IN THE AMATEURS NOW?

12 years? 12 years?

At the amateurs.

Yes. She hasn't been on yet, but...

I'll get her to give you a few things that she did...

A few exceptions from her repertory.

You'll hear her speak. When she speaks it's like silk.

Well, she's had lessons in electrocution.

Come over here a minute. That's right. Now...

If I...

I said come over there, I didn't say dash off!

Full pelt!

Come 'ere.

I want you to...to do something for the ladies and gentlemen.

You know, do something.

For the ladies and gentlemen.

Erm... Do that thing you did on the charabanc.

No, no, don't do that.

LAUGHTER

No, don't do that, no. Erm...

No, I'll tell you what, better still,

I'll get her to tell you jokes. She's ever so comical.

She has me in stitches of laughter.

Tell the ladies and gentlemen a joke, love, that's it.

A JOKE!

Tell that one you told on the charabanc.

And after you'd told it,

they had to stop the charabanc cos they all wanted air!

Eh?!

About that, erm...

(About that spinster.)

THAT SPINSTER THAT WASN'T MARRIED.

She was talking to the woman next door who was married.

The woman next door who was married, said to the spinster who

wasn't married, "Are you lonely, living by yourself?"

And the spinster says, "Oh, no," she says,

"because I have 1,000 goldfish."

1,000 goldfish, it's a lot, in't it, you know?

Anyway, the woman was taken aback, she says, "1,000 goldfish!"

Cos she'd peeped through the curtains many a time

and hadn't seen anything.

So she says, "Where do you put them?"

SHE GIGGLES

Tell them where she says she put them.

Where she says.

"I put them in the bath."

"In the bath?" said the woman.

"Well, what do you do with the goldfish

"when you want to take a bath?!"

Hylda GIGGLES

Tell them what she says she does with the goldfish when she wants to take a bath!

Hylda LAUGHS

Well, she says, "I blindfold them."

APPLAUSE

She has me in stitches.

And she knows.

MUSIC STARTS

# Yes, she knows! #

DRUM ROLL

Eh, you're bonny.

# She knows, you know! #

CYMBALS CLASH

APPLAUSE CONTINUES WITH MUSIC

Heart-throbbing, herald harbinger,

enhancing Hibernian...

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

..harmonies, your own, your very own, Mr Val Doonican.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

MUSIC PLAYS

Thank you!

Hello.

Good evening.

How are you? All right?

# Our love is teasin' and love is pleasin'

# And love is a pleasure when first it's new

# But as it grows older

# Then love grows colder

# And fades away like the mornin' dew

# I left me father, I left me mother

# I left me brothers and sisters too

# I left all me friends and me fine relations

# I left them all for the love of you

# Our love is teasin' and love is pleasin'

# And love is a pleasure when first it's new

# But as it grows older, then love grows colder

# And fades away like the mornin' dew! #

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

-Good evening to you all.

-ALL: Good evening.

I've been asked to sing, ladies and gentlemen, a little Irish song.

This is a song I learned when I was a child

because when I was a child, like lots of other people, all my family,

we would sit around in the evening and sing songs in harmony.

That's true, people would come for miles - to complain about it.

LAUGHTER

And... Ready? Here we go. Ssh!

# O'Rafferty's pig was a wonderful animal... #

-LAUGHTER

-Ssh! No, please, please.

# Built like a battleship, solid and stout... #

ONE PERSON LAUGHS

# His ignorance would have disgraced any cannibal

# Impudence written all over his snout

# The night he got out, there was such a commotion

# The women were screaming and men turning pale

# Running and jumping, colliding and bumping

# And everyone making a grab at his tail

# Mickey Malone, the heavyweight champion,

# Ran at the pig with a big rolling pin

# He missed it a blow, caught Mrs Monroe

# And lifted her bustle up under her chin

# Widow Malone fell through the shop window

# In pickles and jam and red herrings she lay

# With egg and tomatoes all over her garters... #

LAUGHTER

# The night that O'Rafferty's pig ran away. #

This is the last verse.

# Then a terrible crowd led by Denis Cassidy

# Chased it with vengeance from Dublin to Cork

# And didn't they swear when the pig with audacity

# Jumped on a tram and sat watching them walk

# He ran through the legs of old Councillor Duffy

# A man of great standing and lofty ideas

# And when they collided, oul' Duffy backslided

# And down went the standing of 25 years. #

Ssh!

# Burke's wooden leg was broken and shattered

# He lay on his back, shouting Dr Lamont

# Barney O'Toole said, "Don't be a fool

# "It's a hammer and saw and a joiner you want."

# Then came the news that the pig had been captured

# The town had a thanksgiving supper that day

# With cabbage and bacon

# Unlawfully taken

# The night that O'Rafferty's pig...ran away. #

Thank you.

CHEERING

Thank you!

That one's been giving me funny looks all the time.

Do you feel like a little sing?

ALL: Yes!

Go on, then.

LAUGHTER

No. No, really, I'm going to sing you a song.

I'm going to sing you a song that's been sung around the music halls

by two colleagues of ours, a double act, and who knows,

one day this song might even be a hit. Here we go.

PIANO STARTS

Ahem!

# On a mountain in Virginia

# Stands a lonesome pine

# 'Neath the shade, in the cabin wood

# Lives that little girl of mine

# Her name is June

# And very, very soon

# She'll belong to me

# For I know she's waiting there for me

# 'Neath that old pine tree

AUDIENCE SINGS ALONG: # In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

# On the trail of the lonesome pine

# In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine

# Where she carved her name and I carved mine

# Oh, June

# Like the mountains I'm blue

# Like the pine I am lonesome for you

AUDIENCE: # In the...

# Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

# On the trail of the lonesome pine. #

Ssh!

Gentlemen, ready? Bass solo.

That's not you!

Ssh! Ready?

-DEEP:

-# In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

# On the trail of the lonesome pine

# When the pale moon shines, our hearts entwine

# Where she carved her name and I carved mine

# Oh, June, like the mountains I'm blue

# Like the pine, I am lonesome for you... #

Ladies?

LADIES: # In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

# On the trail of the lonesome pine... #

All together now!

# In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia

# On the trail of the lonesome pine. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

there's just time to ask Miss Hylda Baker, Mr Val Doonican,

to lead you in the last chorus for tonight,

Down at The Old Bull and Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Hylda Baker, Mr Val Doonican,

the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann,

the entire and inexhaustible orchestra...

CHEERING

..but this time, chiefly...

ALL: Yourselves!

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Da-da-da-da-da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band pa pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush. #

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH BAND