01/03/1974 The Good Old Days

# Oh, you beautiful doll You great, big, beautiful doll

# Let me put my arms about you

# I could never live without you

# Oh, you beautiful doll You great, big, beautiful doll

# If you ever leave me how my heart would ache

# I want to hug you but I fear you'd break

# Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

# Oh, you beautiful doll. #

APPLAUSE

FANFARE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again...

..good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

Our comprehensive carnivalia incorporates

coruscating Clarice...

LAUGHTER

..Clarice Mania from the Prodigal Players Theatre with none

other than that vertiginous vital spark, Miss Jan Hunt.

APPLAUSE

# Put on your ta-ta, little girlie

# Do do what I want you to

# Far from the busy hurly-burly

# I've got lots to say to you

# My head's completely twirly whirly

# My girl I want you to be

# So put on your ta-ta your pretty little ta-ta

-# And come on ta-ta-ta

-# Please come on ta-ta-ta

# Yes, come on and ta-ta with me. #

# I was a good little girl

# Till I met you

# You set my head in a whirl my poor heart too

# Oh how you told me the tale

# You always knew

# I was a good little girl

# Till I met you. #

# Joshua

ENSEMBLE: # Joshua

# Why don't you call and see Mama

# She'll be pleased to know

# You are my best beau

# Joshua Joshua

# Nicer than lemon squash you are

# Yes, it's fine Gosh you are

# Josh-u, Joshua. #

Oh!

# I wonder why I always sigh the way I do

# And now it seems that all my dreams are all of you

# You used to be so nice to me in days gone by

# But all that now has changed somehow

# I wonder why

# You called me baby doll a year ago

# You told me I was very nice to know

# I soon learned what love was

# I thought I knew

# But all I've learnt has only taught me how to love you

# You made me think you loved me in return

# Don't tell me you were fooling after all

# For if you go away you'll be sorry some day

# You left behind

# A broken doll

# You called me baby doll a year ago

# Year ago

-AUDIENCE:

-# Year ago

# Year ago

# You told me I was very nice to know

# Nice to know Nice to know

# Nice to know

# I soon learned what love was

# I thought I knew

# But all I've learnt has only taught me

# How to love you

# You made me think you loved me in return

AUDIENCE: # In return in return, in return

# Don't tell me you were fooling after all

# For if you go away

-# You'll be

-AUDIENCE: Sorry some day

# Yes, you will

# You left behind a broken doll. #

# Jerry Jeremiah

# My heart's on fire

# Play again that sweet refrain

# Oom-to-ra-ra Oom-to-ra-ra

# Jerry Jeremiah

# It's the finest tune I've known

# Rag it Rag it

# Zig zigzag it on your ragtime trombone

ENSEMBLE: # Jerry Jeremiah

# My heart's on fire

# Play again that sweet refrain

# Oom-to-ra-ra Oom-to-ra-ra

# Jerry Jeremiah

# It's the finest tune I know

# Rag it Rag it

# Zig zigzag it on your ragtime

# Ragtime

# Ragtime trombone. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A French fanfaronade...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..from Mr Bernard Herrmann and his frenetic affiliates...

Oh!

..for the fabulous filigree of fouette,

the ecstasy of entrechat...

Oh!

..from prima ballerina assolutisima,

Chantal with Dumont!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Swan Lake by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky

LAUGHTER

DRUMROLL, LAUGHTER

DRUMROLL, LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

DRUMROLL, LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

The ineluctable

deliquescences of Franz Lehar

made luminous by the ineffable effulgence

of Miss Lynn Kennington!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# You that I now adore

# Have we not loved before?

# How could I else have known

# You were my love, my own?

# Love is a dream, you say

# Passing with break of day

# How does it seem

# Like a dream?

# Say not love is a dream

# Say not that hope is vain

# Say not that cruel fate will redeem

# Every joy with pain

# Look not, look not beyond

# Joy so dear

# Two hearts may not despond

# For love knows naught of fear

# True love breaks every bond

# And love, true love is here. #

# Please don't be offended if I preach to you a while

# Tears are out of place in eyes that were meant to smile

# There's a very simple way to make your troubles small

# Here's the simple secret to it all

# Look for the silver lining

# Whenever clouds appear in the blue

# Remember somewhere the sun is shining

# And so the right thing to do

# Is make it shine for you

# A heart full of joy and gladness

# Will always banish sadness and strife

# So always look for a silver lining

# And try to find the sunny side of life

# Look for a silver lining

# Whenever clouds appear in the blue

# Remember somewhere the sun is shining

# And so the right thing to do

# Is make it shine for you

# A heart full of joy and gladness

# Will always banish sadness and strife

# So always look for

# A silver lining

# And try to find the sunny side

# Of life. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hieratical propensities

precipitate a hair-raising heterogeneity...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

..that, madam, is a mixed bag...

LAUGHTER

..if you'll pardon the expression...

..of propulsive revolutionary

-projectiles! AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Juggling!

Ladies and gentlemen, Panto!

MUSIC: Sabre Dance by Aram Khachaturian

CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

Ole!

AUDIENCE GASPS

DRUMROLL

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

DRUMROLL CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

This is the last one!

Very dangerous!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

No, no, it's not finished.

Yes, it's finished.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK.

LAUGHTER

Mamma mia!

-Hey!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Sabre Dance by Aram Khachaturian

CHEERING

CHEERING

Unquestionably unique,

the one and only...

Ken Dodd!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY ENTRANCE MUSIC

-MUSIC STOPS

-Chuck it!

Have you chucked it? Right, first of all, ladies and gentlemen,

any diddy kids, dogs, kids, cats and lodgers,

I'd like to say how tickled I am, how full of plumptiousness...

..how absolutely discum-knicker...

discumknockerated...

LAUGHTER

..standing here tonight, I feel absolutely goolified...

LAUGHTER

It's the...

It's the same as being contrapuntal.

..how full of lungpunkinotiousness, ladies and gentlemen,

standing here tonight in this magnificent...shed.

Standing here tonight on Ticklemass Eve, here in my hurrey-furry coat.

Like it, gaffer? Hurrey-furry.

Genuine moggy skin, this. It is, moggy skin, pussy cats.

It took 28 moggies to make this.

-HE SNIFFS, BLOWS RASPBERRY

-All toms.

LAUGHTER

By Jove, it's full of life, this coat.

I've got a pair of underpants made of the same stuff.

Moggy-skin long johns.

When I walk down our street, people say, "Ah, 'hairy' comes!"

-LAUGHTER AND GROANING

-"Hairy" comes!

GROANING AND CATCALLS

It's a joke!

It's a joke! It's what we call in show business "a shaft of wit."

-Now, a lot of people...

-LAUGHTER

..often wonder where...

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

..where all these short shafts of wit are coming from.

Well, it's a firm here in Yorkshire in Clacuddinsdwyke

calls Jokes Ltd and we send the postal order off on a Monday

and they send us the jokes through by the weekend.

I wonder where my butler's got to, my valet. Knockers? Kno...

No, not you, Missy. Knockers!

This is my butler Knockers. How are you, Knockers?

-All right.

-You're looking well.

You've been breathing again, haven't you?

Knockers, I want you to take him for a run round the block,

he hasn't been today. And don't forget the ball and bat.

-There you are.

-Good.

-Thank you very much, Knockers.

He's a good lad. I'd like to say once again,

I'd like to say, ladies and gentlemen, how tickled I am to...

Did you see that, love? They can't touch you for it, you know.

They can't!

Not if you've been sponsored.

Rubbish, get off.

There we are, now, then...

-AUDIENCE GASPS

-This is the one. Right.

LAUGHTER

"Ooh, Ken Dodd, what a whopper!"

Now, then, who fancies a tickle in the first two rows?

-GERONIMO!

-AUDIENCE SQUEALS

Ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you how absolutely underwhelmed

I feel being here this evening.

All these hairy...

There's a fine, walrus, handlebar moustache.

How long did it take you to grow that, missus?

LAUGHTER

The young lady in the low-cut dress leaning out of the box up there.

Very nice, love.

Can you see everything?

-We can!

-LAUGHTER

To be here tonight, here in the city,

this beautiful Edwardian Nissen hut,

this, one of the seven wonders of Briggate,

this...

this lovely theatre, ladies and gentlemen...

Actually, there's a story attached to this theatre.

It's on the wall in the gents.

The style of architecture here is early perpendicular

and the decorations are Baroque, or Ba-roke.

It's all "Ba-roke".

The windows are ba-roke, the doors are ba-roke...

The manager, he's not too flush either.

This beautiful...

The ceiling, the ceiling is an exact replica of the Sistine Chapel

done in whitewash.

And notice...

Notice how the floor is so cunningly made so it just reaches your feet.

-This is...

-LAUGHTER

..a feature.

On your way in, you probably noticed the filigree foyer

and the half-timber gents

and...

All the features of this magnificent building, ladies and gentlemen,

and as I say, it is really wonderful.

Tonight is anniversary night.

It's exactly 25 years ago to the very night

since the circle collapsed

-and... Yes!

-LAUGHTER

Laugh! 25...

25 years ago, love, there were people sitting up there,

just like you are now.

Rows and rows of Toby jugs, all...

LAUGHTER

"Here, Mother, have you got any more of that nut brittle?"

All of a sudden, there was this horrible creaking noise.

-There it goes again!

-LAUGHTER

"Cavoomph!" The whole lot fell down, collapsed.

There was a little old lady, sitting in the middle, underneath,

just where you are, dear.

There was a dear, little old lady sitting in that seat

in the centre underneath, with her lolly ice sticking up in the air.

This man, this fella...

..upstairs...

LAUGHTER

-..in a kilt...

-HE WHISTLES

She said, "By Jove, you get a big 'un for sixpence, don't you!"

LAUGHTER

They laugh at us down south, you know. They say we wear flat hats.

Course we wear flat hats, you know why?

Cos we're flatheads! That's why!

Those fellas, the men down south, they wear their socks in bed.

That's not fair to any woman, they should wear clogs like we do.

Now, my grandad, there was a fella. All his life he worked like a horse.

People used to follow him with a shovel.

APPLAUSE

Me little uncle Willie, he works on the docks in Liverpool,

and he's what they call a diesel fitter.

He goes round the dock shed looking in all the cases, saying,

"Deese'll fit 'er, deese'll fit 'er."

My grandad was on the stage.

My grandad was one of the all-time grates.

My granny used to have to black lead him.

She is very jealous of him.

When he goes down for a shovel of coal, she has him followed.

With a padlock and in braces.

She frightened the life out of me the other night, me granny.

She told my grandad she was saving up for a new perm.

He thought she said a new pram.

Of course, he hasn't been well, my grandad.

All through the winter my grandad stood with his back to the fire.

We had to have him swept.

Now...

And now, if you please, the latest news...

The latest news now is that ladies actually want the vote.

HIGH-PITCHED CHUCKLE

You can't do that. We can't let them have that, can we, lads?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-No!

-Cos we're British, aren't we, lads?

-MEN IN AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

And we will all put our backs out for Britain, won't we, lads?

-MEN IN AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Well, you will, I'm going to have a lie down.

No, you must admit, ladies, British men are the world's greatest.

-Aren't we, girls?

-WOMEN IN AUDIENCE, WITHOUT CONVICTION:

-Yes.

You wouldn't fancy one of those continental Romeos,

-would you, ladies?

-WOMEN IN AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-One of these frisky Frenchmen?

-WOMEN IN AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Cos they all think about is, "Aw-haw-haw-haw."

You wouldn't fancy one of those handsome Italians with

the black wavy hair, would you, girls?

-WOMEN IN AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

You wouldn't! They'd creep up behind you when you're doing the sprouts.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

So I want to do something really dramatic, Mr Sachs, sir,

and I think the time has come for us to have a bad salad.

A sad ballad! Could we have something, Mr Herrmann, like

"Don't Go Down in the Mine Dad There's Plenty of Slack in Your Trousers"?

LAUGHTER

Something. What's something that really...?

We want to sing something that will really please

the ladies and gentlemen, a romantic song like

"It's Only the Hairs on a Gooseberry That Stop It Becoming a Grape."

What...? Fella looking at me through binoculars here,

he must think I'm a racehorse.

What?

For this romantic eisteddfod, what sort of music do you recommend, sir?

-Musical comedy.

-Musical comedy! Beautifully judged.

Beautifully judged. I had three ambitions in my life.

My first was to sing under your baton. Wave it.

That's it, that's his baton.

If they play a wrong note, he bats them on the head with it.

My second ambition was to do a duet with a beautiful girl in A flat,

and my third ambition...

LAUGHTER

Musical comedy, beautiful. Any particular musical comedy?

Maid of the mountains.

The Maid of the Mountains.

PIANO STARTS AND HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

HE SINGS LONG WAVERING NOTE

NOTE DEEPENS

# Come tell me, pretty maiden

# Are there any more at home like you?

-ROUGH WOMAN'S VOICE:

-# There are a few... #

LAUGHTER

The Prince one night shoots in for a quick sherbet,

and there she is, this vision of loveliness.

Standing on the bar counter on one leg, selling crisps

and drying out the pint classes with the end of her pigtail.

It is love at first fright.

Like all sweethearts in love, their eyes meet, and suddenly, he feels

something stir in his breast, and he realises...

his ferret has got loose.

So...

What a beautiful girl, but so thin.

One day she swallows a pickled onion and four lads leave the village.

Her mother is just the opposite. Her mother is a big, plump, jolly lady.

She used to go away to sea. She used to be a decoy for a whaling fleet.

The Prince is determined to serenade his gypsy sweetheart.

Because she looks very gypsy-ish. She has pierced ears.

She had walked in front of a dartboard one day,

wasn't looking where she was going.

He had met her in the street one day,

she was selling things door to door in Harrogate and...

Ha, no chance! So, he...

He said, "What have you got under your arm?" She said, "Lavender."

He said, "Oh, how unusual." Well, he...

He goes down her street at midnight singing his head off,

and people fling open their bedroom windows

and throw things down to him, so he goes home and gets changed,

comes back singing The Student Prince's Legal Aid.

-Serenade!

-Serenade.

# Overhead, the moon is beaming

# O-Overhead, the moon...

# O... #

Could I have the note, please, sir?

MAN SINGS NOTE

Oh, hell.

What did you do to him then, missus?

Mr drummer, could I have the note, please?

SINGLE DRUMBEAT

# Overhead, the moon is beaming

# White as blossoms on the bow

# Nothing is heard but the sound of the bird... #

PFFRT!

LAUGHTER

Here is a message for the treasurer of the works' Christmas club.

# One fine day we'll find you... #

LAUGHTER

Something sort of romantic. Spanith Eyesh.

Spanith Eyesh.

Spanith Eyesh.

Who the hell are you pushing?

# Oh...

# Spanish eyes

CASTANETS CLICK

# Loveliest eyes in all of Mexico-ho-o... #

No, that's no good. No.

Something more traditional. The Lass With the Delicate Hair.

By Dan Druff.

# Young Molly who lived at the foot of the h-h-h-ill

# Whose fame ev'ry virgin with envy doth fill

# Of beauty is blessed with so ample a share

# Men call her the lass with the delicate hair

# With the fu-huh-huh

# Fu-huh-huh, fuh-huh-huh-huh-huh

# Men call her the lass with the...

# Fuh-huh-huh-huh-ur. #

INDISTINCT

Cornish Floral Dance, that's the one.

# As I walked home on a summer's night

# When starsh in heaven were shhhining bright

# Far away from the footlights' glare

# Into the sweet and scented air... #

Strange.

# Of a quaint old Cornish town

HE HOLDS NOTE

HE GASPS FOR AIR

# Borne from afar on a gentle breeze

# Soft as the murmur of summer seas

# Distant tones of an old world dance

# Played by the gasworks band perchance

# On the ca-a-a-lm air came flo-o-o-ating down

# I thought I could hear the spurious tone

# Of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone

# Fiddle, cello, big bass drum...

LOUD BLAST OF DRUM DROWNS OUT VOCALS

LAUGHTER

# Far away, as in a trance, I heard the sound of the Floral Dance... #

# Tiddlywinks, old man, suck a lemon if you can

# If you can't suck a lemon, suck an old tin can

# My ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling... #

MAN SHOUTS

Cease? You mean "toss it."

Follow the stick.

# I felt so lonely standing there

# And I could only stand and swear... #

Stare. Sorry, sir.

# For I had no friend with me

# Lonely I would have to be

# In that quaint old Cornish town

# When suddenly hurrying down the lane

# A figure I knew I saw quite plain

# Twas Fanny from the fish shop!

# With outstretched arms I rushed along

# And carried her into that merry throng... #

Up and over, Fanny, show 'em what you're made of. Haway!

# And I fiddled, went dancing along... #

LAUGHTER

# The spurious tone of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone

# Fiddle, cello...

# Bassoon, flute and euphonium

# Each one making the most of his chance

# All together in the Floral Dance

# Dancing here, dancing there, jigging, jogging everywhere

# Up and down, around the town

# Hurrah for the Cornish Floral Dance! #

CHEERING

CHEERING CONTINUES

Now, there's just about time, ladies and gentlemen,

to ask Mr Ken Dodd to lead the company and yourselves

in the last chorus of the night, Down at the Old Bull and Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ken Dodd, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire orchestra!

CHEERING

And this time, chiefly...

-ALL:

-..yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me down at the old Bull and Bush

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band "La-da-da, da-da-da"

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Bush-bush. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE