11/03/1976 The Good Old Days

AUDIENCE: # I'll be your sweetheart

# If you will be mine

# All my life

# I'll be your valentine

# Bluebells I've gathered

# Keep them and be true

# When I'm a man

# My plan will be to marry you. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

ORCHESTRA PLAYS FANFARE

CHEERING

CHEERING

Once again!

LAUGHTER

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

Obligatorily...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..encomiastic orotundities,

extolling inaugurally...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..a coruscating sextuplicity...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..from the inestimably inexhaustible Players' Theatre!

CHEERING

BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS

-MEN:

-# How do you do

-WOMEN:

-# How do you do

-# Miss Ragtime

-# Make way for ragtime

-# Hats off to you

-# Hats off

-# Miss Ragtime

-# Make way for ragtime

# When I see you coming I forget the rest

# You're the only one The sweetest and the best

# I am dead in love Head and heels in love

# Always thinking of you

# Ooh!

-# Look who's here

-# Just look around you

-# Ragtime dear

-# So glad we found you

-# When you're near

-# Ooh-ooh

-# I feel queer

-# Ooh-ooh

# There's a funny feeling comes along with you

# Makes me happy, happy, happy, happy, too

# How do you do, Miss Ragtime How do you do?

# How d'you do, how d'you do, do, do

ALL: # Come on and hear Come on and hear

# Alexander's Ragtime Band

# Come on and hear Come on and hear

# It's the best band in the land

# They can play a bugle call like you never heard before

# So natural that you want to go to the war

# It's just the bestest band whatever

# Honey lamb # Honey lamb

# Come on along Come on along

# Let me take you by the hand

# Up to the man Up to the man

# Who's the leader of the band

# And if you want to hear that Swanee River played in ragtime

# Come on and hear Come on and hear

# Alexander's Ragtime Band

# Listen to the band They're playing

# You made me love you

# I didn't want to do it I didn't want to do it

# You made me want you

# And all the time you knew it I guess you always knew it

# You made me happy sometimes

# You made me glad

# But there were times, dear

# You made me feel so bad

# You made me sigh for

# I didn't want to tell you I didn't want to tell you

# I want some love, that's true

# Yes, I do, indeed I do You know I do

# Give me, give me, give me Give me what I sigh for

# You know you've got the brand of kisses that I'd die for

# You know you made me

# Love you

# When the midnight choo-choo leaves for Alabam'

# Alabam' Alabam'

# I'll be right there Right there

# Because I've got the right fare

# When I see that rusty-haired conductor-man

# When I see that man

# I'll grab him by the collar And I'll holler

# "Alabam'!" "Alabam'!"

# That's where you stop the train That takes me back again

# Back home where I'll remain

# Where my honey-lamb am Where my honey-lamb am

# I will be right there with bells When that old conductor yells

# "All aboard" "All aboard"

# "All aboard for Alabam'!"

# Yeah

# I will be right there with bells

# When that old conductor yells

# "All aboard" "All aboard"

# "All aboard" "All aboard"

# "All aboard for

# "Alabam'!"

# "All aboard for Alabam'!" #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

An unquenchable, equilibristic quaternity...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-..cavorting convulsively... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..in catapulting cataclysm!

Four acrobats.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Loonies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

GASPS AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG TO MUSIC

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

-Felicitously... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-..refreshing in the irrefutable fragility...

-Ooh!

..of feminine fabulose. For your edification, Miss Rosemary Squire.

CHEERING

# I'm Rosie, the queen of the models

# I used to live up in the Bronx

# But I wandered from there down to Washington Square

# And Bohemian honky-tonks

# One day I met Harrison Fisher

# Said he, you're like roses - the stems

# I want you to pose for a picture

# On the cover of Jim Jam Gems

# And that's how I first got my start

# Now my life is devoted to art

# They call me

# Rosie

# Of Washington Square

# A flower so fair

# Should blossom where

# The sun shines

# Rose

# For nature did not mean

# That I should blush unseen

# But be the queen

# Of some fair garden

# Rose

# I'll never depart

# But I'll dwell in your heart

# Your love to share

# I'll bring the sunbeams from the heavens to you

# I'm going to give you kisses that sparkle with dew

# I'm Rose

# Of Washington Square

# Oh, yes, I'm Rose

# Of Washington Square

# I'm withering there

# In the basement air I'm fading

# Pose

# In my plain or fancy clothes?

# They say that my Roman nose

# Is sure to please

# Some of those artistic people

# Foes

# Well, I've plenty of those

# In their second-hand clothes

# And their nice long hair

# I've got those Broadway vampires

# Lashed to the mast

# I've got no future but, oh, what a past

# I'm Rose

# Of Washington Square

# And I'm all there

# They call me Rose, Rose, Rose

# Of Washington Square. #

APPLAUSE

# Moonlight makes me lonely each night

# Far from my rendezvous

# Wondering, darling, whether you might

# Be wishing that I were with you

# Down among the sheltering palms Oh, honey, wait for me

# Honey, wait for me

# Don't be forgetting we've got a date

# Out where the sun goes down about eight

# How my love is burning, burning, burning

# How my love is burning, burning, yearning

# To be down

# Among the sheltering palms

# Oh, honey, wait for me

# Oh, honey, wait for me. #

# By the sea, by the sea by the beautiful sea

# You and I, you and I Oh, how happy we'll be

# When each wave comes a-rolling in

# We will duck and swim

# And we'll float and fool around the water

# Over and under and then up for air

# Pa's rich, Ma's rich, so now what do we care?

# I like to be beside your side beside the sea, beside the seaside

# By the beautiful sea

# By the sea, by the sea by the beautiful sea

# You and I, you and I Oh, how happy will be

# When each wave comes a-rolling in

# We will duck and swim and we'll float and fool around the water

# Over and under and then up for air

# Pa's rich, Ma's rich, so now what do we care?

# I'd like to be beside your side beside the sea, beside the seaside

# Or on a quayside

# Close beside you

# By the beautiful sea. #

CHEERING

Archetypal acme...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Ack, me.

..of anarchically asymmetrical asininity.

-Ooh!

-Welcome back to Mr Denny Willis.

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

Swee...swe...

# Sweet and low

# Sweet and low

# Wind of the Western sea

# Low... #

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

I'm so sorry.

All together.

-# Blow him again to me

-Ooh-ooh

-# Sleep, my pretty one

-HE YAWNS

# Sleep, my pretty one

# Sleep. #

APPLAUSE

And now, ladies and gentlemen, The Fox Has Left His Lair.

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

# A red fox, a red fox

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho... #

Ho!

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

# A cream horn, a cream horn

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

# A red fox, a red fox

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho

# Old Grandpa with his

# Hunting horn

# Limping... # It's gone wrong!

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

# A cream horn, a cream horn

# The fox, the fox has left his lair A red fox, a red fox

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho

-# Ho-ho

-With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho... #

Ha!

# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

# Silly Billy

# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg

# Limping, limping

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

# A cream horn, a cream horn

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

# A red fox, a red fox

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho... #

Ha-ha ha-ha!

# Barmy, barmy

# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

# S...illy Billy

# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg

# Limping, limping

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

# A cream horn, a cream horn

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

# A red fox, a red fox

# With a yoicks tally-ho, yo ho... #

APPLAUSE

# Behold the bold Sir Geoffrey dandy, bandy

# The children running home from school

# Barmy, barmy

# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... #

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg

# Limping, limping

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

# A cream horn, a cream horn

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

# A red fox, a red fox

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho

# All for the Lady Gwendolyn

# Bonny, bonny

# Behold the bold Sir Geoffrey... #

LAUGHTER

# The children coming home from school... #

They're doing something different.

# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... #

Ha-ha!

# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg

# Limping, limping

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

# A cream horn, a cream horn

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho

# Sir Geoffrey said... #

HE YELLS

Oh, oh!

# Behold the bold Sir Geoffrey... #

Ha-ha!

# The children coming home from school

# Barmy, barmy

-# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

-Ha-ha-ha... #

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

-# The fox, the fox... #

-Ah!

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho. #

MUSIC QUICKENS

APPLAUSE

A Caledonian convocation,

convivially evoking your participatory...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..reciprocity.

Ooh!

Joining in, your own Mr Kenneth McKellar.

APPLAUSE

# Oh, I'll never forget the day I went and joined the 93rd

# The chums I used to run with said they

# Thought I looked absurd

# They saluted me and gathered round me in a ring

# And as I wagged my tartan kilt they a' began to sing

# He's a braw, braw Hielan' laddie

# Private Jock McDade

# There's not another soldier like him

# In the Scots Brigade

# Reared among the heather, you can see he's Scottish-built

# By the wig, wig, wiggle wiggle, waggle o' the kilt

# By the wig, wig, wiggle wiggle, waggle o' the kilt. #

APPLAUSE

# I have heard the mavis singing

# His love song to the morn

# I have seen the dew drop clinging

# To the rose just newly born

# But a sweeter song hath cheered me

# At the evening's gentle close

# And I've seen an eye still brighter

# Than the dew drop on the rose

# 'Twas thy voice, my gentle Mary

# And thine artless, winning smile

# That made this world an Eden

# Bonnie Mary o' Argyle

# Though thy voice may lose its sweetness

# And thine eye its brightness too

# Though thy step may lack its fleetness

# And thy hair its sunny hue

# Still to me wilt thou be dearer

# Than all the world shall own

# I have loved thee for thy beauty

# But not for that alone

# I have watched thy heart, dear Mary

# And its goodness was the wile

# That made thee mine forever

# Bonnie Mary o' Argyle. #

APPLAUSE

# By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes

# Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond

# Where me and my true love were ever wont to gae

# On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond

# Oh, ye'll tak' the high road and I'll tak' the low road

# And I'll be in Scotland afore ye

# But me and my true love will never meet again

# On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. #

# Hark, when the night is falling

# Hear, hear the pipes are calling

# Loudly and proudly calling down through the glen

# There where the hills are sleeping

# Now feel the blood a-leaping

# High as the spirits of the old Highland men

# Towering in gallant fame

# Scotland, my mountain hame

# High may your proud banner gloriously wave

# Land o' the high endeavour

# Land o' the shining river

# Land o' my heart forever

# Scotland the brave

# Land o' my heart forever

# Scotland

# The brave. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Engagingly gregarious...

AUDIENCE GASPS

..in egregious garrulity...

AUDIENCE GASPS

..the one and only Mr Ronnie Corbett!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Evening.

You all right? You all right?

Answer me. Are you all right?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

# Put me amongst the girls

# Put me amongst the girls

# Do me a favour, do

# You know I'd do the same for you

# If you would put me amongst the girls

# Those with the curly cur... #

Just a minute. Excuse me.

BAND STOPS PLAYING

Sorry about that.

Nobody hurt, I hope.

No, no...

Don't start now, please. I've just...

I've just remembered a story I must tell you before I forget.

LAUGHTER

No, don't you come up. I'll come down there. Wait a minute.

I like to walk about a bit, stretch my legs.

LAUGHTER

Left it a bit late, haven't I?

There's a message for you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

You're naughty down there, I can tell. Now...

No, Mr Sachs, the chairman, has just told me

that Lady Smith has fallen again.

LAUGHTER

And Lord Smith says he's going to have the operation.

LAUGHTER

Will you excuse my back?

You'll excuse my front, I know.

LAUGHTER

And the ladies down here, they're all very, you know...

If I slip off here I might have more fun than I've had in years!

LAUGHTER

You're making up your own stories down here.

And I got specially dressed for you.

See the nice new suit bought by my wife in the sale...

at Mothercare.

LAUGHTER

You can laugh.

When did you last buy a suit and get a free Womble?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And I brought my medals. See my wonderful medals?

I tell you what, this one is actually very, very...

Take these gloves off.

This medal was given by the American forces

for outstanding action in the field.

LAUGHTER

And it belongs to my sister.

LAUGHTER

Least said...

Least said about that the better.

This is actually the General Service medal and this is the Victory medal

and this medal at the end here

is awarded for the Best Whippet Bitch of 1848.

LAUGHTER

Interesting, isn't it?

And this medal I got actually for running at school.

And that one next to it for crawling at the BBC.

APPLAUSE

There's a uniform I recognise down there. Wonderful, sir.

Grand to see you.

Royal Army Medical Corps.

LAUGHTER

We lost my grandfather in the Royal Army Medical Corps.

Fell out of bed while examining a patient.

LAUGHTER

My dear old grandfather, oh, dear.

He fought in all the Zulu wars, you know.

Well, not all of them cos he got fed up of blacking up every morning.

LAUGHTER

Now, I...

APPLAUSE

I'm just going to sit down here

and have a little bit of this snuff

because...the doctor recommended it, you know,

for nasal catarrh.

It's very, very effective.

I've only been taking it two days and I've already got nasal catarrh.

LAUGHTER

He's a terrible doctor. I'll have to change him, actually.

Terrible handwriting. He gave me a prescription the other day.

I took it to the chemist.

Chemist read it and said, "All right, can you start Monday?"

LAUGHTER

Oh, we did have a laugh.

Wish he was here tonight.

So eventually he gave me a wooden leg and a pair of scales.

I mustn't sit and crease this, actually.

I've got to be careful of this,

cos I'm booked to stand on a wedding cake tomorrow.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You've got my gloves, haven't you?

Yes, me and Hilda Baker will be standing there, I can tell you.

LAUGHTER

Now, listen, that reminded me actually of a story,

because talking about honeymoons and weddings,

a story about a honeymoon couple that arrived into the hotel.

They booked in. Husband went into the bar.

Wife went upstairs, got into bed.

She'd only been in bed three minutes when this train passed the hotel.

Nearly shook her out of bed, so she rang for the hotel manager...

You're at it again, I know that.

LAUGHTER

She rang for the hotel manager. Hotel manager came up to the room.

He knocked on the door. She said, "I've just been in bed.

"This train has passed and nearly shook me out."

The manager said, "Well, I can't understand that.

"We've never had any complaints before about train vibrations."

To which the bride...

LAUGHTER

And the bride said, "Well, that's all very well.

"I don't want any aggravation, four-eyes,

"but I'd just like to know when the next train passes this hotel."

The manager said, "It passes in about three minutes."

So the bride said, "Would you mind just laying on this bed here?

"I'll show you exactly what I mean when the train passes."

No sooner had he laid on the bed when in pops her husband.

Husband said, "I don't want to be inquisitive,

"but why are you lying there on the bed with my dear wife?"

The hotel manager said, "Now, you're not going to believe this..."

LAUGHTER

"..but I'm just waiting for the 10.28 to Macclesfield."

LAUGHTER

And the story I originally stopped the band to tell you has just come

to my mind because I once took a train journey to a place

not very far from here, Portsmouth,

and I was sitting in this carriage, you see, with three sailors

and a bishop.

We're all minding our own business.

Well, the sailors are having a bit of fun, you know,

trying on each other's hats.

LAUGHTER

This petty officer leans across the carriage

and he touches the bishop on the knee.

Well, it took us about ten hours

to get the bishop down off the luggage rack!

LAUGHTER

He said, "My Lord Bishop..."

He was very well-educated for a petty officer, actually.

"..I'd like you to tell me what is the gout?"

The bishop said, "I'm very glad you asked me that."

I don't know why I said that, but that's what he said.

He said, "Gout is what you get from drinking too much,

"smoking too much and going with Portsmouth ladies

"like Hospital Hattie and Lamppost Lil."

LAUGHTER

The bishop said, "Why do you ask?" The petty officer said,

"Well, it says in here that the Archbishop of Canterbury's got it."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# When I sit and look at you

# I just can't believe it's true

# Can't believe you love me though

# You have often told me so

# So it seems a dream of bliss

# Never hoped for things like this

# Now I'm wondering all the day

# Why such luck should come my way

# Fancy you fancying me

# I can't tell what you can see

# For it seems like dreams are not reality

# That you should like my personality

# I can't quite figure it out

# I can't tell why it should be

# I can fancy anybody fancying you

# But fancy you fancying me? #

I'm going back up here.

# Don't know anybody who

# Ever could help liking you

# You're so different from the rest

# S'pose that's why I like you best

# Yes, the first day that we met

# I knew I'd had a heart to let

# Now I'm wondering all the day

# Why such luck should come my way?

# Fancy you fancying me

# I can't tell what you can see

# For it seems like dreams are not reality

# That you should like my personality

# I can't quite figure it out

# I can't tell why it should be

# I can fancy anybody fancying you

# But fancy you fancying, fancy you fancying

# Fancy you fancying me

# Fancy you fancying me. #

APPLAUSE

Hey!

In a patriotic potpourri once again,

inimitably indispensable,

the Players' Theatre!

# Hello, hello, here we are again

# Here we are, here we are, here we are again

# There's Pat and Mac and Tommy and Jack and Joe

# When there's trouble brewing, when there's something doing

# Are we down-hearted?

# No, let them all come

# Here we are, here we are, here we are again

# Fit and well and feeling as right as rain

# Never mind the weather, now then, all together

# Hello, hello, here we are again

# So pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

# And smile, smile, smile

# While you've a lucifer to light your fag

# Smile, boys, that's the style

# What's the use of worrying?

# It never was worthwhile

# So pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

# And smile, smile, smile

# If you were the only girl in the world

-WOMEN:

-# And you were the only boy

# Nothing else would matter in the world today

# We would go on loving in the same old way

# A Garden of Eden just made for two

# With nothing to mar our joy

# I would say such wonderful things to you

# There would be such wonderful things to do

# If you were the only girl in the world

# And you were the only boy

-MEN:

-# And I was the only boy

# Goodbye-ee

# Goodbye-ee

# Goodbye-ee

# Goodbye-ee

# Wipe the tear, baby dear

# From your eye-ee

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# It's a long way to go

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# To the sweetest girl I know

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

# Farewell, Leicester Square

# It's a long, long way to Tipperary

# But my heart's right there

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# It's a long way to go

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# To the sweetest girl I know

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

# Farewell, Leicester Square

# It's a long, long way to Tipperary

# But my heart's right there. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now there's only just time to ask Mr Ronnie Corbett to lead

the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ronnie Corbett, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Hammond and the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..but, this time, chiefly yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da, da, da, da, da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band

# Da, da, da, da, da, da, da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE