11/03/1976 The Good Old Days


11/03/1976

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme, from the City Varieties Theatre, Leeds. With Ronnie Corbett, Kenneth McKeller, Rosemary Squires and the Looneys.


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Transcript


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AUDIENCE: # I'll be your sweetheart

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# If you will be mine

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# All my life

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# I'll be your valentine

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# Bluebells I've gathered

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# Keep them and be true

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# When I'm a man

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# My plan will be to marry you. #

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS FANFARE

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

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Once again!

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LAUGHTER

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

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Obligatorily...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..encomiastic orotundities,

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extolling inaugurally...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..a coruscating sextuplicity...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..from the inestimably inexhaustible Players' Theatre!

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CHEERING

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BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS

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-MEN:

-# How do you do

-WOMEN:

-# How do you do

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-# Miss Ragtime

-# Make way for ragtime

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-# Hats off to you

-# Hats off

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-# Miss Ragtime

-# Make way for ragtime

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# When I see you coming I forget the rest

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# You're the only one The sweetest and the best

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# I am dead in love Head and heels in love

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# Always thinking of you

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# Ooh!

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-# Look who's here

-# Just look around you

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-# Ragtime dear

-# So glad we found you

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-# When you're near

-# Ooh-ooh

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-# I feel queer

-# Ooh-ooh

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# There's a funny feeling comes along with you

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# Makes me happy, happy, happy, happy, too

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# How do you do, Miss Ragtime How do you do?

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# How d'you do, how d'you do, do, do

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ALL: # Come on and hear Come on and hear

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# Alexander's Ragtime Band

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# Come on and hear Come on and hear

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# It's the best band in the land

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# They can play a bugle call like you never heard before

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# So natural that you want to go to the war

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# It's just the bestest band whatever

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# Honey lamb # Honey lamb

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# Come on along Come on along

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# Let me take you by the hand

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# Up to the man Up to the man

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# Who's the leader of the band

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# And if you want to hear that Swanee River played in ragtime

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# Come on and hear Come on and hear

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# Alexander's Ragtime Band

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# Listen to the band They're playing

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# You made me love you

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# I didn't want to do it I didn't want to do it

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# You made me want you

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# And all the time you knew it I guess you always knew it

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# You made me happy sometimes

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# You made me glad

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# But there were times, dear

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# You made me feel so bad

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# You made me sigh for

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# I didn't want to tell you I didn't want to tell you

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# I want some love, that's true

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# Yes, I do, indeed I do You know I do

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# Give me, give me, give me Give me what I sigh for

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# You know you've got the brand of kisses that I'd die for

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# You know you made me

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# Love you

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# When the midnight choo-choo leaves for Alabam'

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# Alabam' Alabam'

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# I'll be right there Right there

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# Because I've got the right fare

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# When I see that rusty-haired conductor-man

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# When I see that man

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# I'll grab him by the collar And I'll holler

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# "Alabam'!" "Alabam'!"

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# That's where you stop the train That takes me back again

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# Back home where I'll remain

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# Where my honey-lamb am Where my honey-lamb am

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# I will be right there with bells When that old conductor yells

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# "All aboard" "All aboard"

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# "All aboard for Alabam'!"

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# Yeah

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# I will be right there with bells

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# When that old conductor yells

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# "All aboard" "All aboard"

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# "All aboard" "All aboard"

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# "All aboard for

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# "Alabam'!"

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# "All aboard for Alabam'!" #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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An unquenchable, equilibristic quaternity...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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-..cavorting convulsively... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..in catapulting cataclysm!

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Four acrobats.

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Loonies!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYS

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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GASPS AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG TO MUSIC

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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-Felicitously... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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-..refreshing in the irrefutable fragility...

-Ooh!

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..of feminine fabulose. For your edification, Miss Rosemary Squire.

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CHEERING

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# I'm Rosie, the queen of the models

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# I used to live up in the Bronx

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# But I wandered from there down to Washington Square

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# And Bohemian honky-tonks

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# One day I met Harrison Fisher

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# Said he, you're like roses - the stems

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# I want you to pose for a picture

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# On the cover of Jim Jam Gems

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# And that's how I first got my start

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# Now my life is devoted to art

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# They call me

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# Rosie

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# Of Washington Square

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# A flower so fair

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# Should blossom where

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# The sun shines

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# Rose

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# For nature did not mean

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# That I should blush unseen

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# But be the queen

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# Of some fair garden

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# Rose

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# I'll never depart

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# But I'll dwell in your heart

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# Your love to share

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# I'll bring the sunbeams from the heavens to you

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# I'm going to give you kisses that sparkle with dew

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# I'm Rose

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# Of Washington Square

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# Oh, yes, I'm Rose

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# Of Washington Square

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# I'm withering there

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# In the basement air I'm fading

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# Pose

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# In my plain or fancy clothes?

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# They say that my Roman nose

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# Is sure to please

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# Some of those artistic people

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# Foes

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# Well, I've plenty of those

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# In their second-hand clothes

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# And their nice long hair

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# I've got those Broadway vampires

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# Lashed to the mast

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# I've got no future but, oh, what a past

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# I'm Rose

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# Of Washington Square

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# And I'm all there

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# They call me Rose, Rose, Rose

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# Of Washington Square. #

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APPLAUSE

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# Moonlight makes me lonely each night

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# Far from my rendezvous

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# Wondering, darling, whether you might

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# Be wishing that I were with you

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# Down among the sheltering palms Oh, honey, wait for me

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# Honey, wait for me

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# Don't be forgetting we've got a date

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# Out where the sun goes down about eight

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# How my love is burning, burning, burning

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# How my love is burning, burning, yearning

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# To be down

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# Among the sheltering palms

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# Oh, honey, wait for me

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# Oh, honey, wait for me. #

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# By the sea, by the sea by the beautiful sea

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# You and I, you and I Oh, how happy we'll be

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# When each wave comes a-rolling in

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# We will duck and swim

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# And we'll float and fool around the water

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# Over and under and then up for air

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# Pa's rich, Ma's rich, so now what do we care?

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# I like to be beside your side beside the sea, beside the seaside

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# By the beautiful sea

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# By the sea, by the sea by the beautiful sea

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# You and I, you and I Oh, how happy will be

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# When each wave comes a-rolling in

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# We will duck and swim and we'll float and fool around the water

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# Over and under and then up for air

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# Pa's rich, Ma's rich, so now what do we care?

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# I'd like to be beside your side beside the sea, beside the seaside

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# Or on a quayside

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# Close beside you

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# By the beautiful sea. #

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CHEERING

0:15:450:15:47

Archetypal acme...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Ack, me.

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..of anarchically asymmetrical asininity.

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-Ooh!

-Welcome back to Mr Denny Willis.

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CHEERING

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LAUGHTER

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Swee...swe...

0:16:450:16:47

# Sweet and low

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# Sweet and low

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# Wind of the Western sea

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# Low... #

0:17:060:17:07

-Oh!

-LAUGHTER

0:17:070:17:09

I'm so sorry.

0:17:110:17:14

All together.

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-# Blow him again to me

-Ooh-ooh

0:17:200:17:27

-# Sleep, my pretty one

-HE YAWNS

0:17:270:17:32

# Sleep, my pretty one

0:17:320:17:35

# Sleep. #

0:17:350:17:41

APPLAUSE

0:17:430:17:49

And now, ladies and gentlemen, The Fox Has Left His Lair.

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# The fox, the fox has left his lair

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# A red fox, a red fox

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# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho... #

0:18:020:18:06

Ho!

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# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

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# A cream horn, a cream horn

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# The fox, the fox has left his lair

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# A red fox, a red fox

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# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho

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# Old Grandpa with his

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# Hunting horn

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# Limping... # It's gone wrong!

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# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

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# A cream horn, a cream horn

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# The fox, the fox has left his lair A red fox, a red fox

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# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho

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-# Ho-ho

-With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho... #

0:18:380:18:40

Ha!

0:18:430:18:44

# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

0:18:440:18:46

# Silly Billy

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# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg

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# Limping, limping

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# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

0:18:520:18:54

# A cream horn, a cream horn

0:18:540:18:56

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

0:18:560:18:57

# A red fox, a red fox

0:18:570:18:59

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho... #

0:18:590:19:03

Ha-ha ha-ha!

0:19:070:19:09

# Barmy, barmy

0:19:090:19:11

# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

0:19:110:19:12

# S...illy Billy

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# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg

0:19:140:19:17

# Limping, limping

0:19:170:19:18

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

0:19:180:19:20

# A cream horn, a cream horn

0:19:200:19:22

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

0:19:220:19:24

# A red fox, a red fox

0:19:240:19:26

# With a yoicks tally-ho, yo ho... #

0:19:260:19:27

APPLAUSE

0:19:270:19:30

# Behold the bold Sir Geoffrey dandy, bandy

0:19:330:19:37

# The children running home from school

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# Barmy, barmy

0:19:390:19:41

# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... #

0:19:410:19:43

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:19:430:19:45

# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg

0:19:450:19:46

# Limping, limping

0:19:460:19:48

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

0:19:480:19:50

# A cream horn, a cream horn

0:19:500:19:52

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

0:19:520:19:54

# A red fox, a red fox

0:19:540:19:56

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho

0:19:560:19:59

# All for the Lady Gwendolyn

0:20:030:20:06

# Bonny, bonny

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# Behold the bold Sir Geoffrey... #

0:20:070:20:09

LAUGHTER

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# The children coming home from school... #

0:20:110:20:13

They're doing something different.

0:20:130:20:15

# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... #

0:20:150:20:17

Ha-ha!

0:20:170:20:19

# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg

0:20:190:20:21

# Limping, limping

0:20:210:20:23

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

0:20:230:20:24

# A cream horn, a cream horn

0:20:240:20:26

# The fox, the fox has left his lair

0:20:260:20:28

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho

0:20:300:20:34

# Sir Geoffrey said... #

0:20:380:20:40

HE YELLS

0:20:400:20:41

Oh, oh!

0:20:410:20:43

# Behold the bold Sir Geoffrey... #

0:20:450:20:47

Ha-ha!

0:20:470:20:49

# The children coming home from school

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# Barmy, barmy

0:20:510:20:53

-# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

-Ha-ha-ha... #

0:20:530:20:56

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:560:20:59

# The hunting huntsman blows his horn

0:21:000:21:02

-# The fox, the fox... #

-Ah!

0:21:040:21:06

# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho. #

0:21:070:21:12

MUSIC QUICKENS

0:21:120:21:13

APPLAUSE

0:21:160:21:19

A Caledonian convocation,

0:21:310:21:36

convivially evoking your participatory...

0:21:360:21:42

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:21:420:21:44

..reciprocity.

0:21:440:21:46

Ooh!

0:21:460:21:47

Joining in, your own Mr Kenneth McKellar.

0:21:470:21:52

APPLAUSE

0:21:520:21:55

# Oh, I'll never forget the day I went and joined the 93rd

0:22:000:22:04

# The chums I used to run with said they

0:22:040:22:07

# Thought I looked absurd

0:22:070:22:09

# They saluted me and gathered round me in a ring

0:22:090:22:12

# And as I wagged my tartan kilt they a' began to sing

0:22:120:22:16

# He's a braw, braw Hielan' laddie

0:22:160:22:19

# Private Jock McDade

0:22:190:22:21

# There's not another soldier like him

0:22:210:22:23

# In the Scots Brigade

0:22:230:22:25

# Reared among the heather, you can see he's Scottish-built

0:22:250:22:28

# By the wig, wig, wiggle wiggle, waggle o' the kilt

0:22:280:22:32

# By the wig, wig, wiggle wiggle, waggle o' the kilt. #

0:22:320:22:36

APPLAUSE

0:22:360:22:39

# I have heard the mavis singing

0:22:500:22:56

# His love song to the morn

0:22:560:23:02

# I have seen the dew drop clinging

0:23:020:23:07

# To the rose just newly born

0:23:070:23:13

# But a sweeter song hath cheered me

0:23:130:23:19

# At the evening's gentle close

0:23:190:23:24

# And I've seen an eye still brighter

0:23:240:23:30

# Than the dew drop on the rose

0:23:300:23:38

# 'Twas thy voice, my gentle Mary

0:23:380:23:45

# And thine artless, winning smile

0:23:450:23:51

# That made this world an Eden

0:23:510:23:59

# Bonnie Mary o' Argyle

0:23:590:24:09

# Though thy voice may lose its sweetness

0:24:220:24:28

# And thine eye its brightness too

0:24:280:24:34

# Though thy step may lack its fleetness

0:24:340:24:40

# And thy hair its sunny hue

0:24:400:24:47

# Still to me wilt thou be dearer

0:24:470:24:53

# Than all the world shall own

0:24:530:24:58

# I have loved thee for thy beauty

0:24:580:25:04

# But not for that alone

0:25:040:25:13

# I have watched thy heart, dear Mary

0:25:130:25:20

# And its goodness was the wile

0:25:200:25:27

# That made thee mine forever

0:25:270:25:35

# Bonnie Mary o' Argyle. #

0:25:350:25:47

APPLAUSE

0:25:470:25:50

# By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes

0:25:530:26:00

# Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond

0:26:000:26:07

# Where me and my true love were ever wont to gae

0:26:070:26:14

# On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond

0:26:140:26:23

# Oh, ye'll tak' the high road and I'll tak' the low road

0:26:230:26:29

# And I'll be in Scotland afore ye

0:26:290:26:34

# But me and my true love will never meet again

0:26:340:26:41

# On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. #

0:26:410:26:50

# Hark, when the night is falling

0:26:550:26:57

# Hear, hear the pipes are calling

0:26:570:27:00

# Loudly and proudly calling down through the glen

0:27:000:27:05

# There where the hills are sleeping

0:27:050:27:08

# Now feel the blood a-leaping

0:27:080:27:10

# High as the spirits of the old Highland men

0:27:100:27:15

# Towering in gallant fame

0:27:150:27:18

# Scotland, my mountain hame

0:27:180:27:20

# High may your proud banner gloriously wave

0:27:200:27:25

# Land o' the high endeavour

0:27:250:27:28

# Land o' the shining river

0:27:280:27:30

# Land o' my heart forever

0:27:300:27:33

# Scotland the brave

0:27:330:27:35

# Land o' my heart forever

0:27:350:27:42

# Scotland

0:27:420:27:47

# The brave. #

0:27:470:27:51

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:27:510:27:55

Engagingly gregarious...

0:28:100:28:14

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:28:140:28:15

..in egregious garrulity...

0:28:150:28:18

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:28:180:28:19

..the one and only Mr Ronnie Corbett!

0:28:190:28:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:230:28:26

Good evening. Evening.

0:28:300:28:32

You all right? You all right?

0:28:320:28:35

Answer me. Are you all right?

0:28:350:28:37

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:28:370:28:39

# Put me amongst the girls

0:28:390:28:44

# Put me amongst the girls

0:28:440:28:47

# Do me a favour, do

0:28:470:28:51

# You know I'd do the same for you

0:28:510:28:54

# If you would put me amongst the girls

0:28:540:28:58

# Those with the curly cur... #

0:28:580:29:00

Just a minute. Excuse me.

0:29:000:29:02

BAND STOPS PLAYING

0:29:020:29:05

Sorry about that.

0:29:050:29:07

Nobody hurt, I hope.

0:29:070:29:09

No, no...

0:29:090:29:11

Don't start now, please. I've just...

0:29:110:29:14

I've just remembered a story I must tell you before I forget.

0:29:140:29:17

LAUGHTER

0:29:170:29:19

No, don't you come up. I'll come down there. Wait a minute.

0:29:190:29:22

I like to walk about a bit, stretch my legs.

0:29:220:29:26

LAUGHTER

0:29:260:29:29

Left it a bit late, haven't I?

0:29:290:29:31

There's a message for you.

0:29:310:29:33

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

0:29:330:29:36

You're naughty down there, I can tell. Now...

0:29:360:29:39

No, Mr Sachs, the chairman, has just told me

0:29:390:29:42

that Lady Smith has fallen again.

0:29:420:29:44

LAUGHTER

0:29:440:29:47

And Lord Smith says he's going to have the operation.

0:29:510:29:54

LAUGHTER

0:29:540:29:58

Will you excuse my back?

0:30:000:30:03

You'll excuse my front, I know.

0:30:030:30:05

LAUGHTER

0:30:050:30:08

And the ladies down here, they're all very, you know...

0:30:100:30:14

If I slip off here I might have more fun than I've had in years!

0:30:140:30:16

LAUGHTER

0:30:160:30:19

You're making up your own stories down here.

0:30:240:30:27

And I got specially dressed for you.

0:30:270:30:29

See the nice new suit bought by my wife in the sale...

0:30:290:30:34

at Mothercare.

0:30:340:30:36

LAUGHTER

0:30:360:30:39

You can laugh.

0:30:420:30:45

When did you last buy a suit and get a free Womble?

0:30:450:30:48

LAUGHTER

0:30:480:30:51

APPLAUSE

0:30:530:30:56

And I brought my medals. See my wonderful medals?

0:30:580:31:00

I tell you what, this one is actually very, very...

0:31:000:31:03

Take these gloves off.

0:31:030:31:04

This medal was given by the American forces

0:31:040:31:07

for outstanding action in the field.

0:31:070:31:09

LAUGHTER

0:31:090:31:12

And it belongs to my sister.

0:31:150:31:17

LAUGHTER

0:31:170:31:19

Least said...

0:31:220:31:24

Least said about that the better.

0:31:250:31:28

This is actually the General Service medal and this is the Victory medal

0:31:280:31:32

and this medal at the end here

0:31:320:31:33

is awarded for the Best Whippet Bitch of 1848.

0:31:330:31:36

LAUGHTER

0:31:360:31:39

Interesting, isn't it?

0:31:430:31:44

And this medal I got actually for running at school.

0:31:440:31:48

And that one next to it for crawling at the BBC.

0:31:480:31:51

APPLAUSE

0:31:510:31:54

There's a uniform I recognise down there. Wonderful, sir.

0:31:580:32:01

Grand to see you.

0:32:010:32:02

Royal Army Medical Corps.

0:32:020:32:04

LAUGHTER

0:32:040:32:06

We lost my grandfather in the Royal Army Medical Corps.

0:32:060:32:09

Fell out of bed while examining a patient.

0:32:090:32:12

LAUGHTER

0:32:120:32:14

My dear old grandfather, oh, dear.

0:32:140:32:17

He fought in all the Zulu wars, you know.

0:32:170:32:20

Well, not all of them cos he got fed up of blacking up every morning.

0:32:200:32:23

LAUGHTER

0:32:230:32:26

Now, I...

0:32:260:32:27

APPLAUSE

0:32:270:32:30

I'm just going to sit down here

0:32:310:32:33

and have a little bit of this snuff

0:32:330:32:36

because...the doctor recommended it, you know,

0:32:360:32:41

for nasal catarrh.

0:32:410:32:43

It's very, very effective.

0:32:430:32:44

I've only been taking it two days and I've already got nasal catarrh.

0:32:440:32:47

LAUGHTER

0:32:470:32:49

He's a terrible doctor. I'll have to change him, actually.

0:32:520:32:55

Terrible handwriting. He gave me a prescription the other day.

0:32:550:32:57

I took it to the chemist.

0:32:570:32:59

Chemist read it and said, "All right, can you start Monday?"

0:32:590:33:01

LAUGHTER

0:33:010:33:04

Oh, we did have a laugh.

0:33:040:33:06

Wish he was here tonight.

0:33:080:33:11

So eventually he gave me a wooden leg and a pair of scales.

0:33:110:33:14

I mustn't sit and crease this, actually.

0:33:140:33:17

I've got to be careful of this,

0:33:170:33:18

cos I'm booked to stand on a wedding cake tomorrow.

0:33:180:33:21

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:33:210:33:24

You've got my gloves, haven't you?

0:33:330:33:35

Yes, me and Hilda Baker will be standing there, I can tell you.

0:33:350:33:38

LAUGHTER

0:33:380:33:40

Now, listen, that reminded me actually of a story,

0:33:400:33:42

because talking about honeymoons and weddings,

0:33:420:33:44

a story about a honeymoon couple that arrived into the hotel.

0:33:440:33:49

They booked in. Husband went into the bar.

0:33:490:33:52

Wife went upstairs, got into bed.

0:33:520:33:53

She'd only been in bed three minutes when this train passed the hotel.

0:33:530:33:56

Nearly shook her out of bed, so she rang for the hotel manager...

0:33:560:34:00

You're at it again, I know that.

0:34:000:34:02

LAUGHTER

0:34:020:34:03

She rang for the hotel manager. Hotel manager came up to the room.

0:34:030:34:06

He knocked on the door. She said, "I've just been in bed.

0:34:060:34:08

"This train has passed and nearly shook me out."

0:34:080:34:11

The manager said, "Well, I can't understand that.

0:34:110:34:13

"We've never had any complaints before about train vibrations."

0:34:130:34:16

To which the bride...

0:34:160:34:17

LAUGHTER

0:34:170:34:19

And the bride said, "Well, that's all very well.

0:34:190:34:21

"I don't want any aggravation, four-eyes,

0:34:210:34:23

"but I'd just like to know when the next train passes this hotel."

0:34:230:34:27

The manager said, "It passes in about three minutes."

0:34:270:34:30

So the bride said, "Would you mind just laying on this bed here?

0:34:300:34:32

"I'll show you exactly what I mean when the train passes."

0:34:320:34:35

No sooner had he laid on the bed when in pops her husband.

0:34:350:34:38

Husband said, "I don't want to be inquisitive,

0:34:380:34:40

"but why are you lying there on the bed with my dear wife?"

0:34:400:34:43

The hotel manager said, "Now, you're not going to believe this..."

0:34:430:34:46

LAUGHTER

0:34:460:34:49

"..but I'm just waiting for the 10.28 to Macclesfield."

0:34:500:34:53

LAUGHTER

0:34:530:34:56

And the story I originally stopped the band to tell you has just come

0:34:570:35:02

to my mind because I once took a train journey to a place

0:35:020:35:07

not very far from here, Portsmouth,

0:35:070:35:09

and I was sitting in this carriage, you see, with three sailors

0:35:090:35:12

and a bishop.

0:35:120:35:14

We're all minding our own business.

0:35:140:35:16

Well, the sailors are having a bit of fun, you know,

0:35:160:35:18

trying on each other's hats.

0:35:180:35:21

LAUGHTER

0:35:210:35:22

This petty officer leans across the carriage

0:35:220:35:26

and he touches the bishop on the knee.

0:35:260:35:29

Well, it took us about ten hours

0:35:290:35:31

to get the bishop down off the luggage rack!

0:35:310:35:33

LAUGHTER

0:35:330:35:34

He said, "My Lord Bishop..."

0:35:340:35:36

He was very well-educated for a petty officer, actually.

0:35:360:35:39

"..I'd like you to tell me what is the gout?"

0:35:390:35:41

The bishop said, "I'm very glad you asked me that."

0:35:410:35:44

I don't know why I said that, but that's what he said.

0:35:440:35:46

He said, "Gout is what you get from drinking too much,

0:35:460:35:49

"smoking too much and going with Portsmouth ladies

0:35:490:35:52

"like Hospital Hattie and Lamppost Lil."

0:35:520:35:55

LAUGHTER

0:35:550:35:57

The bishop said, "Why do you ask?" The petty officer said,

0:35:580:36:01

"Well, it says in here that the Archbishop of Canterbury's got it."

0:36:010:36:04

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:040:36:08

# When I sit and look at you

0:36:120:36:17

# I just can't believe it's true

0:36:170:36:20

# Can't believe you love me though

0:36:220:36:25

# You have often told me so

0:36:250:36:28

# So it seems a dream of bliss

0:36:290:36:33

# Never hoped for things like this

0:36:340:36:37

# Now I'm wondering all the day

0:36:370:36:42

# Why such luck should come my way

0:36:420:36:49

# Fancy you fancying me

0:36:490:36:52

# I can't tell what you can see

0:36:520:36:56

# For it seems like dreams are not reality

0:36:560:37:01

# That you should like my personality

0:37:010:37:05

# I can't quite figure it out

0:37:050:37:09

# I can't tell why it should be

0:37:100:37:13

# I can fancy anybody fancying you

0:37:130:37:18

# But fancy you fancying me? #

0:37:180:37:21

I'm going back up here.

0:37:210:37:24

# Don't know anybody who

0:37:290:37:34

# Ever could help liking you

0:37:340:37:37

# You're so different from the rest

0:37:380:37:43

# S'pose that's why I like you best

0:37:430:37:46

# Yes, the first day that we met

0:37:470:37:51

# I knew I'd had a heart to let

0:37:510:37:55

# Now I'm wondering all the day

0:37:550:38:00

# Why such luck should come my way?

0:38:000:38:07

# Fancy you fancying me

0:38:070:38:11

# I can't tell what you can see

0:38:110:38:14

# For it seems like dreams are not reality

0:38:140:38:20

# That you should like my personality

0:38:200:38:23

# I can't quite figure it out

0:38:230:38:28

# I can't tell why it should be

0:38:280:38:32

# I can fancy anybody fancying you

0:38:320:38:36

# But fancy you fancying, fancy you fancying

0:38:360:38:41

# Fancy you fancying me

0:38:410:38:45

# Fancy you fancying me. #

0:38:450:38:48

APPLAUSE

0:38:500:38:53

Hey!

0:38:560:38:57

In a patriotic potpourri once again,

0:39:080:39:13

inimitably indispensable,

0:39:130:39:16

the Players' Theatre!

0:39:160:39:19

# Hello, hello, here we are again

0:39:220:39:26

# Here we are, here we are, here we are again

0:39:260:39:29

# There's Pat and Mac and Tommy and Jack and Joe

0:39:290:39:33

# When there's trouble brewing, when there's something doing

0:39:330:39:36

# Are we down-hearted?

0:39:360:39:38

# No, let them all come

0:39:380:39:40

# Here we are, here we are, here we are again

0:39:400:39:43

# Fit and well and feeling as right as rain

0:39:430:39:47

# Never mind the weather, now then, all together

0:39:470:39:51

# Hello, hello, here we are again

0:39:510:39:54

# So pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

0:39:540:39:58

# And smile, smile, smile

0:39:580:40:02

# While you've a lucifer to light your fag

0:40:030:40:07

# Smile, boys, that's the style

0:40:070:40:11

# What's the use of worrying?

0:40:120:40:15

# It never was worthwhile

0:40:150:40:19

# So pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag

0:40:190:40:24

# And smile, smile, smile

0:40:240:40:28

# If you were the only girl in the world

0:40:280:40:35

-WOMEN:

-# And you were the only boy

0:40:350:40:40

# Nothing else would matter in the world today

0:40:410:40:47

# We would go on loving in the same old way

0:40:470:40:53

# A Garden of Eden just made for two

0:40:530:40:59

# With nothing to mar our joy

0:40:590:41:04

# I would say such wonderful things to you

0:41:040:41:09

# There would be such wonderful things to do

0:41:110:41:16

# If you were the only girl in the world

0:41:160:41:23

# And you were the only boy

0:41:230:41:28

-MEN:

-# And I was the only boy

0:41:290:41:34

# Goodbye-ee

0:41:400:41:42

# Goodbye-ee

0:41:420:41:47

# Goodbye-ee

0:41:470:41:49

# Goodbye-ee

0:41:490:41:53

# Wipe the tear, baby dear

0:41:540:41:58

# From your eye-ee

0:41:580:42:02

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:42:040:42:10

# It's a long way to go

0:42:100:42:14

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:42:150:42:20

# To the sweetest girl I know

0:42:200:42:25

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

0:42:270:42:31

# Farewell, Leicester Square

0:42:310:42:35

# It's a long, long way to Tipperary

0:42:350:42:40

# But my heart's right there

0:42:400:42:43

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:42:430:42:47

# It's a long way to go

0:42:470:42:51

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:42:520:42:55

# To the sweetest girl I know

0:42:550:42:58

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

0:43:000:43:03

# Farewell, Leicester Square

0:43:030:43:07

# It's a long, long way to Tipperary

0:43:070:43:11

# But my heart's right there. #

0:43:110:43:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:200:43:23

And now there's only just time to ask Mr Ronnie Corbett to lead

0:43:340:43:38

the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

0:43:380:43:41

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:43:410:43:42

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ronnie Corbett, the entire company,

0:43:420:43:45

Mr Bernard Hammond and the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

0:43:450:43:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:490:43:52

..but, this time, chiefly yourselves!

0:43:520:43:58

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:44:010:44:05

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

0:44:050:44:07

# Da, da, da, da, da

0:44:070:44:09

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:44:090:44:13

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

0:44:130:44:16

# Hear the little German band

0:44:160:44:19

# Da, da, da, da, da, da, da

0:44:190:44:21

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:44:210:44:24

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

0:44:250:44:28

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

0:44:280:44:32

# Bush Bush! #

0:44:320:44:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:44:350:44:38

Leonard Sachs presents an edition of the old-time music hall programme, from the stage of the City Varieties Theatre, Leeds. With Ronnie Corbett, Kenneth McKeller, Rosemary Squires, the Looneys and members of the Players Theatre, London.


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