27/04/1973 The Good Old Days

BAND PLAYS In The Twi-Twi-Twilight

ALL: # In the twi-twi-twilight

# Out in the beautiful twilight

# They all go out for a walk, walk, walk

# A quiet spoon and a talk, talk, talk

# That's the time they long for

# Just before the night

# And many a grand little wedding is planned

# In the twi-twilight! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS FANFARE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again...

CHEERING

..good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen,

irreplaceably unique,

the nonpareil Players' Theatre!

CHEERING

BAND PLAYS All Hands On Deck

# All hands on deck, there's a pretty little girl in sight

# All hands on deck, oh, she does look all right

# What do we care if the ship becomes a wreck?

# Oh, we haven't seen a girl for 18 months

# All hands on deck!

# Oh, we haven't seen a girl for 18 months

# All hands on deck!

# All the nice girls love a sailor

# All the nice girls love a tar

# Oh, there's something about a sailor

# Well, you know what sailors are!

# Bright and breezy, free and easy

# He's the ladies' pride and joy

# Falls in love with Kate and Jane

# Then he's off to sea again

# Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy!

# Oh! Jack! You are a handy man

# Whether on sea or on shore

# Whether in love or in war

# You're all right

# Beat us, nobody can

# That's why they call us Jack the handy man

# Oh! We're all right

THEY WHISTLE THE TUNE

# That's why they call us Jack the handy man

# Sons of the sea

# Bobbing up and down like this

# Sailing the ocean

# Bobbing up and down like this

# They can build their ships, my lad

# Bobbing up and down like this

# But you can't beat the boys of the bulldog breed

# Bobbing up and down like this!

# Sons of the sea

# Bobbing up and down like this

# Sailing the ocean

# Bobbing up and down like this

# They can build their ships, my lads

# Bobbing up and down like this

# But they can't beat the boys of the bulldog breed

# Bobbing up and down like this!

# Rule, Britannia!

# Britannia, rule the waves

# Britons never, never, never shall be slaves. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, from Italy...

implementing implausible...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..immaculacy...

Ooh!

..with magniloquent...

LAUGHTER

..magniloquent... I forgot the U.

It's because of this non-U audience.

..magniloquent...

munificence...

that tornadic - or "tor-nay-dic" - operatic tenor...

Signor Gino Donati!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# M'appari

# Tult' amor

# Il mio sguardo

# L'incontro

# Bella si

# Che il mio cor

# Ansioso a lei volo

# Mi feri

# M'invaghi

# Quell'angelica belta

# Sculta in cor

# Dall'amor

# Cancellarsi non potra

# Il pensier

# Di poter

# Palpitar... #

Well, what happen?!

Can't you see I am singing? Can't you see I am singing?

Excuse me, sir. I have technical difficulties...

a broken cable, and now everything is frozen up.

-Everything is frozen up?

-Yes.

I think you made a mistake in coming here. This is a smart room.

This is the very last thing what I ask of you.

-You go back to your business...

-Offstage.

-..whatever to do.

-Keep your hands there.

-Here?

Ma guarda un po cosa vi succede! Che maleducato!

Suppose we meet some day in a swimming pool for these experiments?

-No, no, we must do it here.

-Do it here.

Doveva capitarmi una cosa...

Push the left. Push the right.

Push. Push.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Let's go to the right.

-I don't fool around with politics here.

Allez-oop!

-Arrivederci.

-Arrivederci.

APPLAUSE

Impossible to play the serious music!

I would like to conclude this recital with a very serious performance

which I think no other tenor has done before.

I will sing for you the famous Italian romance

Non Ti Scordar Di Me, La Vita Mia Legata A Te,

which means in English

"Mama...

"Mama, you work so hard all your life for me.

"Now that you are old you can work for yourself."

Maestro, prego.

BAND PLAYS

# Partirono le rondini dal mio

# Paese freddo e senza sole

# Cercando primavere di viole

# Nidi d'amore e di felicita

# La mia vita rondine parte

# Senza lasciarmi un bacio

# Senza un addio parte

# Be careful!

# Non ti scordar di me

# La vita mia legata a te

# Io t'amo sempre piu

# Nel sogno mio rimani tu

# Non ti scordar di me... #

APPLAUSE

# La vita mia legata a te

# C'e sempre un nid...

# ..del mio cor per te

# Non ti scordar di me. #

CHEERING

CHEERING CONTINUES

Versatility...

volatility...

Ooh!

..virtuosity.

Oh!

Who but the one and only

Miss Beryl Reid?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Who were you with last night?

# Who were you with last night?

# It wasn't your sister, it wasn't your ma

# Ha ha ha-ha ha-ha-ha

# Who were you with last night

# Out in the pale moonlight?

# Are you gonna tell your missus when you get home

# Who you were with last night?

# Are you gonna tell your missus when you get home

# Who you were with last night? #

CHEERING

Ah! I'm going to...

It's a very cheeky question, really, isn't it,

"Who were you with last night?"?

Could get you into trouble!

Mind you, I'm not much of a judge about men,

because I haven't had many chaps in my life.

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww!

-No, honestly! No, no!

I can be honest with you now. My whole life, I've had three fellas.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh...

No, no! No, I tell a lie.

I've had 82.

Yeah, I forgot that weekend at Batley.

But we were... Harold and I... I've gone off the subject.

Harold and I were in the public park.

We were the only couple there, I think.

And we were on the verge.

Well, it's more comfortable than that wooden bench.

And he grabbed hold of me and he said,

"Beryl, where do we go from here?"

"Nowhere," I said, removing his hands.

"You've reached the three-mile limit."

I thought, "Well, there must be something better for me

"than Harold and the recreation ground,"

and next morning, when I was reading the Tory Times, there it was.

There was an advertisement that said,

"Wanted - parlourmaid with breeding.

"Apply Gaylord Havisham,

"The Grange, Turnham Green."

Well, it was marvellous!

It could have been aimed at me, the breeding bit, you know.

Cos I speak two languages.

I'm what you could call bifocal.

And so I applied for the job personally,

and I was ushered in, and there was Gaylord Havisham.

Oh, he was wonderful! He was loaded with culture.

Mostly physical...

..I'm glad to say.

And, erm, he said, "How would you like to be

"the mistress of this house?"

I said, "How dare you?!"

Well, I thought that was something between a master

and a mattress, you see.

APPLAUSE

"No, you've mistaken me. I want you to be my wife.

"If I kiss you, will you reciprocate?"

Well, I hadn't got me dictionary with me, you see, so I...

Well, I got carried away then, and I couldn't help but accept,

and of course there was only one thing left for him to say.

And, being a perfect gentleman, he said it so beautifully.

PIANO PLAYS

# I'll be your sweetheart

# If you will be mine

# All my life

# I'll be your valentine

# Bluebells are gathered

# Take them and be true

# Now I'm a man, my plan

# Is just to marry you

# Bluebells are gathered

# Take them and be mine

# All my life

# I'll be your valentine

# Bluebells are gathered

# Take them and be true

# Now I'm a man, my plan

# Is just to marry you

# Now I'm a man, my plan

# Is just to marry you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Peregrinatory...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..from Prague.

A celeritous septuplicity

Ooh!

..of circumrotatory...

-Oh!

-..revolutionists.

Seven trick cyclists.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Valla Bertini!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS

MUSIC ENDS

Coruscating...

cosmopolitan...

exoticism....

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..incarnate.

Ooh!

All the way from 'Uddersfield.

Your own, your very, very own...

Roy Castle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS: On Ilkla Moor Baht 'at

MUSIC ENDS

Beautiful. We all came off together.

-Good evening.

-Good evening!

-Good evening.

-Good evening!

Let's get it all together.

By the way, the pronunciation is Roy "Cassle".

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cassle!

Thank you, sir. PIANO PLAYS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

# Just as the song begins

# You speak

# And I hear violins

# It's magic

# Oh!... #

LAUGHTER

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Way ahead of his time, this lad.

# It's magic... #

-This is different, isn't it? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

It's worse, but it's different.

# It's magic

# Ta-la la-la la-la la-la

# Taddle-addle-addle-um

# Oh, yes

# Hear me talking to you

# Magic

# Huh-huh-hum

# It's magic

PIANO CONTINUES

LAUGHTER

What was the old thing we used to do?

# It's magic Oh, yes

# It's magic

# It's tragic... #

That book's going back in the morning, I'll tell you that now.

# It's magic

# Taddle-addle-addle-um

# Daddle-daddle-daddle-um

# Daddle-daddle-daddle-um... #

This one?

-AUDIENCE:

-No!

Yes!

ROY LAUGHS

All right for you, you know where to put your pipe!

This one?

Yes! No!

What's the betting?

# It's magic

HE LAUGHS

-Yes!

-# It's magic

Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I should have finished on that.

# The stars desert the skies

# And come to nestle in your eyes

# It's magic

# Oh-ho ho-ho ho-ho ho

# Mm-hm-hm

# Just take one handkerchief

# One handkerchief... #

HE WHISTLES LIKE A BIRD

# One handkerchief

# Tie it in a knot

# Tie it in a knot

# And then beyond belief

# The knot suddenly...

# ..is not... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Forget it, forget it. Forget it.

Too late, too late. That was too quick for you, wasn't it?

Yes!

OK. Action replay. Slow motion.

HE SINGS UNINTELLIGIBLY IN A DEEP, SLOW VOICE

Thank you. Thank you. Perfectly normal handkerchief. Look at that.

PIANO PLAYS

# As we walk hand in hand

# The world becomes a wonderland... #

It's magic.

# Hear me talking to ya

# Magic... #

HE WHISTLES LIKE A BIRD

I've got you this time.

# Oh... #

APPLAUSE No, no, no, no! No! No!

Don't applaud, you'll cause a draught.

# Why do I tell myself

# Ooh-hoo-hoo... #

Somebody get in touch with Leeds United, quick.

# These things that happen are all really true?... #

You have a go.

# The magic... #

This time, this time!

# The magic

# The magic... #

Yeah! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much indeed.

It's a famous double act, Roy Castle and Harold Dyte. Now then...

Fine fellow, fine fellow.

Now then, for my next trick, I need a volunteer, preferably a gentleman.

Anyone at all, I have no stooges.

Any gentleman. Do you want to have a go? Anybody close.

Would you like to try? It's just a trick. It's all right.

I won't hurt you. There'll be no problems. I'm not big enough.

Right. Listen, I tell you what, we'll use his chair.

Then he'll know that there's no fix. All right? Yeah, that's it.

That's it.

You're not going to take that long about it, are you? Right, here we go.

Come on, up here. Come on, up here.

Now then... CHUCKLES

-How do you do?

-Very nice to see you. Don't sit down yet,

we want the chair over the trapdoor. Hang on.

Right, you can sit down now. You just sit down there, there's a good lad.

-All right? Now...

-Fine, fine.

-You hadn't bargained for this, had you?

-No!

Have you got the trick there? Good lad. That's it. That's it. Lovely.

Don't let him see the milk. He's got a dark suit on.

I'll just have a quick look at the instructions first.

I got it wrong last night. There we go now.

"First of all, pour milk into tumbler." Right.

HE WHISTLES CIRCUS MUSIC

There's plenty, thank you. That'll do.

Right.

"Cover tumbler with card."

Right.

Hang on a minute.

"Invert the whole thing."

Right.

No, wait, it means the whole thing, doesn't it, Peter?

CHUCKLES You're looking sweaty!

Right. Now then, hang on a minute.

"Place the whole thing on victim's head."

Right, right! Now then, hang on a sec. Er, just one moment.

This is where it normally goes wrong, this is.

Can you keep real still here, Peter? Real still. Don't move at all,

whatever you do. Don't move. Keep still. Good lad. Well done indeed.

"On no account remove the card."

APPLAUSE

-Can you sing, Peter?

-No.

Good lad, it won't show me up, then, will it?

You sing this after me.

# Why do I tell myself

-SHAKILY:

-# Why do I tell myself?

-# These things

-# These things

-# That happen

-# That happen

-# Are all

-# Are all

-# Really true?

-# Really true?

# Yapa-taka-taka huh-huh-huh!

# Yapa-taka-taka huh-huh-huh!... #

Yay! CHEERING

ROY LAUGHS

I wish it was molten lead now.

# When in my heart I know

# When in my heart I know

-# The magic

-# The magic

# Is my love

# Is my love... #

CHEERING

Finish it off yourself. # For you. #

-# For you. #

-Look at that. What a beautiful thing.

BAND PLAYS A FLOURISH

CHEERING

ROY CHEERS

There goes your chair.

All right. Thank you.

Yay! Great stuff! Come on, take a bow.

Come on, stand up. Take a bow.

ROY CHEERS

Yeah, yeah! By golly!

Right, OK, now, another little surprise.

Now, I've been challenged to get a tune out of this,

so I've bunged it up that end and I'm going to have a blow down here.

IT MAKES A NOTE LIKE A TRUMPET

A LITTLE APPLAUSE No, no, no, no, I wasn't expecting...

The only thing is now... the problem is the tune,

what tune we're going to choose to play on it, that's all.

Any suggestions? SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE

Colonel Bogey?

Flight Of The Bumblebee? LAUGHS

Buzz off.

MORE SHOUTS

Three Old Ladies? LAUGHS

That's a pretty good one!

The only one we could come up with was Don't Bring Lulu.

-Isn't that right?

-That's it.

-OK. You start, then every man for himself.

A-one, two, a rip-bam-bom.

BAND PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS On Ilkla Moor Baht 'at

What you might call a right "Roy"-al flush!

And now...

from those...

GROANS FROM AUDIENCE

I've got a living to earn.

..from those occasionally United States of America...

pulchritudinous in postprandial Puccini...

Ooh!

..your very warmest welcome...

for refulgence, for warmth...

for loveliness.

-Ahhh!

-Miss Lorna Dallas!

CHEERING

BAND PLAYS O Mio Babbino Caro

# O mio babbino caro

# Mi piace, e bello bello

# Vo'andare in Porta Roma

# A comperar l'anello

# Si, si, ci voglio andare

# E se l'amassi indarno

# Andrei sul Ponte Vecchio

# Ma per buttarmi in Arno

# Mi struggo e mi tormento!

# O Dio

# Vorrei morir

# Babbo, pieta

# Pieta

# Babbo, pieta

# Pieta. #

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

BAND PLAYS Oh, Dear! What Can The Matter Be?

# Oh, dear, what can the matter be?

# Dear, dear, what can the matter be?

# Oh, dear, what can the matter be?

# Johnny's so long at the fair

# Where can my Johnny be?

# Where can my Johnny be?

# What can the matter be?... #

Oh, dear!

# Johnny's so long at the fair

# What'll I do

# When you are far away

# And I am blue?

# What'll I do?

# What'll I do

# When I am wondering who

# Is kissing you?

# What'll I do?

# What'll I do

# With just a photograph

# To tell my troubles to?

# When I'm alone

# With only dreams of you

# That won't come true

# What'll I do? #

APPLAUSE

# In this year of 1892

# Our conventions have been thrown all askew

# But I know I'm out of date

# When I seek one mate

# One faithful lover true

# To be really in the fashion today

# You must have a dozen beaux in your sway

# But somehow I don't believe in the modern plan

# I want to wait for just one man

# It's more fun to love 'em all

# Kiss 'em all, short and tall

# I have another scheme

# It's my only dream

# One kiss, one man to save it for

# One love for him alone

# One word, one vow and nothing more

# To tell him I'm his own

# One magic night within his arms

# With passion's flower unfurled

# But I will try to love only one man

# And no other man...

# ..in the world. #

CHEERING

BAND PLAYS Oh, You Beautiful Doll

We are truly international tonight.

I've just had a note and these two lovely presents to tell me

that in that box over there

there is a party which has come especially

all the way to see the show tonight

from my beloved Denmark!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Godaften, mine damer og herre!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And for all of you, and especially for those of you from Denmark,

the Embankment now launches

Miss Beryl Reid and Mr Roy Castle!

BAND PLAYS I Live In Trafalgar Square

-I say?

-Yes?

-I like the suit.

-Oh, do you?

-Yes.

-I picked it up in Savile Row.

-Really?

Sometimes I think it was hardly worth bending down for.

Yes, yes, I agree, I agree, I agree.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT Well...

-BOTH:

-# Today we've been busy removing

# And we're all of a fidgety-fidge

# Our last place was on the Embankment

# The third seat from Waterloo Bridge

-# But the cooking

-And - oh! - the attendants

# Didn't happen to suit us so well

# So we ordered our man to back up and

# Look out for another hotel

# Well, he did, and the new place is extra, I vow

# Just wait till we tell ya

# Where we're stopping now

# We live in Trafalgar Square

# With four lions to guard us

# Fountains and statues all over the place

# And the metropole staring us right in the face

# We'll own it's a trifle draughty

# But we looks at it this way, you see

# If it's good enough for Nelson... #

BANG!

Oh!

-What a dirty bird.

-Yes.

# It's quite good enough for me! #

-I say, you know, Clive?

-Yes?

If I were really rich, every year I'd spend six

months in New York, six months in Rome

and six months in Paris.

THEY CHUCKLE

18 months in one year?

-Yes, wonderful what money can do, isn't it?

-Yes, yes, yes.

-Tell me, have you had your holidays yet?

-Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes.

-Yes, yes, yes?

-Took my secretary to the West Indies.

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

Jamaica?

Came very close, yes.

Oh, I'm rather weary. Are you? Have a tiny sit down.

HE YAWNS

Even a dainty kip-ette. Ooh!

# Now, the beds ain't as soft as they might be

# Still, the temperature's never too high

# And it's nice to see swells who are passing

# Look on with a h'envious h'eye

# And when we wake up in the morning

# Just fancy how nice it must feel

# To have a good walk for your breakfast

# And the same for your dinner and tea...

# There's many a duke up in Park Lane tonight

# Who'd relinquish his title for our appetite

# We live in Trafalgar Square

-AUDIENCE JOINS IN

-# With four lions to guard us

# Fountains and statues all over the place

# And the metropole staring us right in the face

# We'll own it's a trifle draughty

# But we looks at it this way, you see

# If it's good enough for Nelson

# It's quite good enough for me

# If it's good enough for Nelson

-AUDIENCE:

-# It's quite good enough for me! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# We live in Trafalgar Square

# With four lions to guard us

# Fountains and statues all over the place

# And the metropole staring us right in the face

# We'll own it's a trifle draughty

# But we looks at it this way, you see

# If it's good enough for Nelson

# It's quite good enough for me

# If it's good enough for Nelson

# It's quite good enough for me! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And now...

-AUDIENCE:

-More!

And now, ladies and gentlemen, there's just, just time to ask

Miss Beryl Reid and Mr Roy Castle

to lead the entire company and yourselves

in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Beryl Reid, Mr Roy Castle,

the absolutely indispensible Mr Bernard Herrmann!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and his orchestra, but this time, chiefly...

ALL: ..yourselves!

BAND STRIKES UP

ALL: # Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Da-da-da da-da!

# Come, come, have some port wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band

# Da da-da da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE