16/04/1972 The Good Old Days

MUSIC: Little Dolly Daydream

# Little Dolly Daydream

# Pride of Idaho

# So now ye know

# And when ye go

# You'll see there's somethin' on her mind

# Don't think

# Cos no-one's got to kiss that girl but me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FANFARE

ROAR OF APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Once again...

..good evening,

ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

Unequivocally...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..accredited, adulatory accolades...

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoa!

..our inaugural artistes

exultantly exhibit...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..executants' expertise!

THEY CHEER

..Mr Terry Lightfoot and his band!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: When The Saints Go Marching In by Terry Lightfoot And His Band

AUDIENCE SINGS ALONG

# And my old man

# Said follow the van

# And don't dilly dally on the way

# Off went the van with the home packed in it

# I walked behind with me old cock linnet

# But I dillied and dallied

# Dallied and dillied

# Lost the van and don't know where to roam

# You can't trust the specials like the old time coppers

# When you can't find your way home... #

Yes!

# You can't trust the specials like the old time coppers

# When you can't find your way home... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

An exuberantly...

AUDIENCE CHEERS

..extrovert, like you,

extravaganza of uninhibited

hilarity

and equilibristic...

AUDIENCE CHEERS

..acumen.

Funny acrobatics.

The Macardis!

Ladies and gentlemen...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Albert, as you see, prepares, ladies and gentlemen,

for that nonpareil

nenuphar...

AUDIENCE CHEERS

..of nubility.

Your own,

your very, very own,

Eira Heath!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Now Jim O'Shea was cast away

# Upon a desert isle

# The natives there they liked his hair

# They liked his Irish smile

# So made him chief Panjandrum the Nabob of them all

# They called him Jij-ji-boo Jhai

# And decked him out so gay

# So he wrote to Dublin Bay To his sweetheart

# Just to say

# Sure I've got rings

# On my fingers

# Bells on my toes

# Elephants to ride upon

# My little Irish rose

# So come to your Nabob

# And next Patrick's Day

# Be Mrs Mumbo Jumbo Jij-ji-boo Jhai

# O'Shea. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# In the gloaming

# Oh, my darling

# When the lights are dim and low

# And the quiet

# Shadows falling

# Softly come

# And softly go

# When the winds are sobbing faintly

# With a gentle unknown woe

# Will you think of me

# And love me

# As you did once long ago

# In the gloaming

# Oh, my darling

# Think not bitterly of me

# Though I past away in silence

# Left you lonely, set you free.

# For my heart was crushed with longing

# What had been would never be

# It was best we parted thus, dear

# Best for you and best for me

# It was best we parted thus

# Best for you

# And best for me. #

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE JOIN IN

# The twi-twi-twi-light

# Out in the beautiful twilight

# They all go out for a walk, walk, walk

# A quiet old spoon and a talk, talk, talk

# That's the time they long for

# Just before the night

# And many a grand little wedding is planned

# In the twi-twi-light

# A sweet and blushing girl you see

# A queen of high society

# Fond of fun as fond can be

# When it's on the strict QT

# I'm not too young and not too old

# Not too timid, not too bold

# Just the kind you'd like to hold

# Just the kind for sport I'm told... #

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-AUDIENCE JOIN IN

-# Ta-ra-ra

# Boom de-ay!

# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

# Oh, Mr Porter

# What shall I do?

# I want to go to Birmingham and they're taking me on to Crewe

# Send me back to London as quickly as you can

# Oh, Mr Porter what a silly girl I am

# In the shade of the old apple tree

# When the love in your eyes I could see

# When the voice that I heard like the song of the bird

# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me

# I could hear the dull buzz of the bee

# In the blossoms as you said to me

# With a heart that is true

# I'll be waiting for you

# In the shade of the old apple tree... #

-AUDIENCE JOIN IN

-# With a heart that is true

# I'll be waiting for you

# In the shade of the old apple tree. #

APPLAUSE

-The apotheosis. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

The acme, the zenith of lustrous legerdemain

and prestidigitation.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Magic.

Illimitable inelegance,

Mr Larry Parker!

BAND PLAYS

MUSIC: I Could Have Danced All Night

LAUGHTER

Hey! Hup!

Hup! Hup!

HE EXHALES

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Ah! Now, ah!

HE GIGGLES

Hup!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

HE WHISTLES

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

STUTTERS: Ladies and gentlemen,

I have now two completely unprepared...

LAUGHTER

I have two completely unprepared... Hey! Ho! Fa! Fa-fa-fa!

HE GIGGLES

Now, I take two hankies.

Tie the hankies by the...

HE STUTTERS

For the.... Ah!

Ah! Placed in the...

Now, I have also one completely unprepared Union Jack.

Hey! Ho! Hoo!

T-take... Place the Union Jack in the handling, in the handling

for the eh-eh... For the... Ah!

LAUGHTER

Sprinkling with the dust... With the...

HE LAUGHS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Sprinkling once more... HE STUTTERS

That's it... Hey! Ho!

Now... Ah! APPLAUSE

HE STUTTERS

Way! Ha! Ho! Hup!

LAUGHTER

Ah! LAUGHTER

FANFARE

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

Hey!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Oi!

LAUGHTER

Completely hypnotised. Completely, completely... Oi!

The eyeballs... The eyeballs... Completely kaput.

There's nothing at all there. LAUGHTER

Hey!

Eyeball's kaput! The eyeball's completely kaput! There's nothing...

LAUGHTER

Ah!

Hey! Ha! Ho!

Ah!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

DRUMROLL

Hey!

CLUCKING

CLUCKING CONTINUES

FRANTIC CLUCKING

GUNSHOT

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

In a sonorous synthesis of sibling...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..synchronisation and scintillant simple...simultaneity...

CHEERING

I've got a very good dentist.

LAUGHTER

..the Barry Brothers.

APPLAUSE

# Johnny O'Connor had an automobile

# He took his sweetheart for a ride on Sunday

# Johnny was dressed up in his best Sunday clothes

# She nestled close to his side

TOGETHER: # Things went just dandy till they'd gone down the road

# Then something happened to the old machinery

# The engine got his goat

# Off went his hat and coat

# Everything needed repairs

# So he'd have to get under

# Get out and get under

# To fix his little machine

# Though he was dying to cuddle his queen

# But every minute when he'd begin it

# He'd have to get under

# Get out and get under

# Then he'd get back at the wheel

# To hug and squeeze he'd boldly get to work

# And then the brakes would jam

# There'd be a jerk

# And then he'd have to get under

# Get out and get under

# And fix up his automobile. #

# And then he'd row, row, row

# Way up the river he would row, row, row

# A hug he'd give her

# Then he'd kiss her now and then

# She would tell him when

# They'd fool around and fool around

# And then they'd kiss again

# And then he'd row, row, row

# A little further how he'd row-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Then he'd throw both his oars

# Take a few more encores

# And then he'd row, row, row-oh-oh-oh

# And then he'd row-oh, row-oh

# Row-oh-oh-oh! #

APPLAUSE

# Moonlight and roses

# Bring wonderful memories of you

# My heart reposes

# In beautiful thoughts so true

# June light discloses

# Love's golden dreams sparkling anew

# Moonlight and roses

# Bring memories

# Of you

# Moonlight and roses

# Bring memories

# Of you. #

APPLAUSE

Verisimilitudinous...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

That's like you - lifelike.

..in vertiginous virtuosity of ventrilingual...

CHEERING

..vocalisation, Mr Neville King!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

LAUGHTER

-FROM THE WINGS:

-What a load of rubbish this is.

What a load of codswallop.

-Just stop.

-MUSIC STOPS

-Rubbish. Rubbish!

-What's the matter with you?

-I'm fed up...

-Come here, come here, come here, come here.

I'm fed up of seeing bloody conjurers.

LAUGHTER

We've got a glut of conjurers...

APPLAUSE

We've got a glut - a glut of conjurors on this show

and I'm fed up of seeing them.

-Now what do you know about show business?

-Everything.

So you come here, interfering with my act

and you think you know everything about show business?

-I've done the lot.

-You've done the lot?

-Everything.

I see. And what did you do in show business?

I worked for a ventriloquist.

LAUGHTER

Very, very clever. I see, you worked for a ventril...

-You were one of those little dollies that they sort of...

-Gottle of geer.

Yes, yes, I remember, and then you sang a little song and then,

I remember, then the ventriloquist sort of eased you up there

-on top of a big case, put you in the case.

-Not me.

Oh, yes, I saw the act, you see, what happened...

-No, no, take your hands off.

-LAUGHTER

You see, what actually happened...

Take your bloody hands off me!

LAUGHTER

-I've seen the act.

-I'm not... I'm not going in any bloody case!

LAUGHTER

I've seen the act. I know what happens.

This is a load of codswallop.

Now listen, how can I get him in that case?

-I know. I'll hypnotise him.

-You what?

-You are now going very, very queer.

-I say!

Your head feels very, very heavy.

It's going round and round and round.

LAUGHTER

You are now going in a deep, deep sleep.

Sleep!

SNORING

LAUGHTER

Completely in my power. Now, ladies and gentlemen...

I'm not going in that case!

GENTLE MUSIC

Eugh!

Oh-h!

I like that.

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Eliminating the impedimenta of illusion,

Albert is harbinger

for the advent of the vibrant dynamism...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..the galvanic diablerie...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..of that torrid tornado of titillation...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..the one and only Eartha Kitt!

# When I was young and innocent

# You stole into my heart

# You told me things I now repent

# Whenever we're apart

# You told me that the world was wide

# A bit too wide

# And now, I'm not satisfied... #

MURMURS AND GIGGLES

# With just a cup of tea

# I was...

SHE GASPS

# A good little girl

# Till I met you

# You put my head in a whirl

# My poor heart too

# Oh, how you told me the tale

# You always do

# I was a good little girl

# Till I met you

# I never stayed out late at night

# At least, not after ten

# I was indifferent to men

# Until you came, and then

# You took me walking in the park

# You talked like Romeo... #

LAUGHTER

# And then you kissed me in the dark... #

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

# Poor me, I did not know... #

AUDIENCE: Aw!

SHE GASPS

# I was...

# A good little girl

# Till I met you

# You put my heart in a whirl

# My poor head too

# Oh, how you told me the tale

# You always do

# I was a good little girl

# Till I met you

# I was a good little girl

# Till I met you. #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?

# Won't you come home?

# She cried the whole night long

# I'll do the cooking and I'll pay the rent

# I know I've done you wrong

# Remember that early evening I threw you out?

# Just with a fine-tooth comb

# I know I'm to blame

# Ain't it a shame?

# Bill Bailey, won't you please come home? #

SHE PURRS

# Come home, Bill Bailey

# Won't you come home?

# She cried the whole night long

# I'll do the cooking and I'll pay the rent

# I know I've done you wrong

# Remember that rainy evening I threw you out?

# Nothing but a fine-tooth comb

# I know I'm to blame and ain't it a shame?

# Bill Bailey, won't you please come home? #

PIANO INTRODUCTION

LAUGHTER

# You made me love you

# I didn't wanna do it

# I didn't wanna do it

# You made me love you

# And all the time you knew it

# I guess you always knew it

# You made me happy sometimes

# And you made me glad

# But there were times, dear

# You made me feel so...unnecessary

# You made me sad for

# I didn't want to tell you

# I didn't want to tell you

# I want some love

# That's true

# Yes, I do

# Indeed I do

# You know I do

# Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme

# What I sigh for

# You know you got the brand of kisses that I'd die...

# You know you made me love you. #

ORCHESTRA STARTS UP

# Who were you with last night

# Out in the pale moonlight?

# It wasn't your sister

# It wasn't your ma

# Ah!

# Who were you with last night

# Out in the pale moonlight?

# Are you gonna tell your missus when you get home?

# Who were you with last night?

# Who were you with last night

# Out in the pale moonlight?

# It wasn't your missus

# It wasn't your ma... #

SHE PURRS

# Who were you with last night

# Out in the pale moonlight?

# Are you gonna tell your missus when you get home?

# Who were you with last night?

# You gonna tell your missus when you get home? I will!

# Who were you with last night? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Inimitable...

..incomparable...

..endearingly irresistible,

your own, your very, very, very own

Arthur Askey!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you!

-Hello, playmates!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

-Would you like me to come out there?

-Yes!

Well, no touching.

-You used to be over there.

-Oh, no, I never!

-Oh, yes, you did!

-No, I...

Oh, yes, you did!

-Oh, yes, you did.

-Oh...

I remember it.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen...

You didn't do it properly, Albert.

That was supposed to break!

Goodnight...

What are you blushing about? Go on, saw it.

Ah, that's better.

APPLAUSE

He's doing it!

There, that's what would have happened, you see.

When's the new man coming, Barney?

Right, are you all right, Bernard, and the boys?

Well, I'm going to sing you one, playmates,

I haven't flogged quite as much as the others.

It's a little song called The Penguin.

I do actions.

# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap

# I'm a little penguin such a funny little chap

# Bandy-legged bath bun

# Nothing like a swan

# The only bird that stands upon its sit-upon

# Dressed up in my dicky and my evening suit

# Everyone who sees me says he does look cute

# Then up comes the keeper with a biting swish

# Slaps me in the kisser with a stinking fish

# I'm a penguin

# Such a funny little chap

# With my flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap... #

All right.

Starched me cottons.

# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap

# I'm a little penguin such a funny little chap

# In the Arctic regions once I used to dwell

# Imagine how I suffered - it was downright hell

# Waggling around on the cold ice floes

# With icicles suspended from my parson's nose

# Sitting on an iceberg months and months - that's me

# All brass monkeys have my sympathy

# I'm a penguin

# Such a funny little chap

# With my flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap... #

I'll give you a treat this time, all right?

Serve them all alike!

# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap

# I'm a little penguin such a funny little chap

# One of nature's funnymen certain to amuse

# But underneath these feathers I've a heart like you

# So when you are laughing think about me, please

# Rubbing out my footprints with my duck's disease

# Look at Charlie Chaplin, he can make you yell

# But I'm a better comic - I lay eggs as well

# I'm a penguin

# Such a funny little chap

# With a flippity-floppity

# Flippity-floppity

# Le Penguinello

# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap. #

Thank you.

Once again, good...

Oh, we'll leave it, shall we? Ugh!

I'm going to give you one of my little poems. See how you like it.

A plumber went to mend a bath

There was a lady in it

As naked as a newborn babe and singing like a linnet.

She screamed and grabbed the bath mat

That's how she met her fate

The mat had "welcome" on it

Now she's a plumber's mate.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right.

Well, now, playmates, I'm going to sing you a little chorus song.

Now, don't get panicky,

I'm not going to ask you to sing a whole chorus

or anything like that, but when I get to the end of my second chorus

I would like you, if you will, just to nip in here and there.

-Will you do that for me?

-Yes.

-Promise?

-Yes!

All right, take the oath.

Say "we"...

We...

That's the quietest "we" I've heard for a long time.

Put a bit of body in it. We...

We!

..the audience...

..the audience...

..do hereby declare...

..do hereby declare...

..that Arthur Askey...

..that Arthur Askey...

..will here and now...

..will here and now...

-Before your...

-ALL:

-..very eyes...

They couldn't wait, you see!

You can't wait!

Anyway, I'm singing this little chorus -

I'll tell you what I want you to do after. OK, off we go.

# Down in Casey's Court they're what you'd call right into fashion

# Down in Casey's Court they've got the greyhound racing passion

# Someone cleared the boatyard out and made a racing track

# And everybody entered dogs

# Any dogs, many dogs

# There were four-a-penny dogs

# They were a comely pet

# Dogs too thin, dogs too stout

# Dogs with whiskers and without

# And some went woof, some went yap

# Some went bow-wow-wow

# Dogs too long, dogs too short

# Freaks of every shape and sort

# And some went woof, some went yap

# Some went bow-wow-wow

# Their tails were short and thick

# Some were long and thin

# Some came too far out

# Some went too far in

# Pugs and pups, pings and pongs

# Wagged their little tos and froms

# And some went woof, some went yap

# Some went bow-wow-wow. #

That's it. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do, playmates.

I want you to imagine that this is a dog show

and you're all little dogs.

So we'll let the men do the woofing

and we'll leave the yapping to the ladies, all right?

Yeah!

Then all together, bow-wow-wow.

Gentlemen woof, ladies yap, then all together bow-wow-wow. You ready?

-Yes, yes.

-One, two, three, four.

# Dogs too thin, dogs too stout

# Dogs with whiskers and without

-# And some went

-Woof!

-# Some went

-Yap!

-# Some went

-Bow-wow-wow!

# Dogs too long, dogs too short

# Freaks of every shape and sort

-# And some went

-Woof!

-# Some went

-Yap!

-# Some went

-Bow-wow-wow!

# Their tails were short and thick

# Some were long and thin

# Some came too far out

# Some went too far in

# Pugs and pups, pings and pongs

# Wagged their little tos and froms

-# And some went

-Woof!

-# Some went

-Yap!

-# Some went

-Bow-wow-wow! #

Very, good, very good! But you know...

Thank you.

Do you know, playmates, when I was a little boy, I never had a dog.

-Aww.

-Aww.

-And do you know why?

-No.

# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

# Bow-wow

# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

# Bow-wow

# I've got a little cat

# And I'm very fond of that

# But I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

there's just time to ask Mr Arthur Askey and Ms Eartha Kitt

to lead you in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Arthur Askey, Ms Eartha Kitt,

the entire company, Mr Bernard Hammond, the entire orchestra.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-And this time, chiefly...

-Yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da, da, da, da, da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band

# Da, da, da, da, da

# Just let me hold your hand dear

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING