16/04/1972 The Good Old Days


16/04/1972

Leonard Sachs presents a 1972 edition of the old-time music hall programme from the stage of the City Varieties Theatre, Leeds. With guests Eartha Kitt and Arthur Askey.


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Transcript


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MUSIC: Little Dolly Daydream

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# Little Dolly Daydream

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# Pride of Idaho

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# So now ye know

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# And when ye go

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# You'll see there's somethin' on her mind

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# Don't think

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# Cos no-one's got to kiss that girl but me. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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FANFARE

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ROAR OF APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Once again...

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..good evening,

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ladies and gentlemen!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

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Unequivocally...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..accredited, adulatory accolades...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoa!

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..our inaugural artistes

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exultantly exhibit...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..executants' expertise!

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THEY CHEER

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..Mr Terry Lightfoot and his band!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: When The Saints Go Marching In by Terry Lightfoot And His Band

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AUDIENCE SINGS ALONG

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# And my old man

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# Said follow the van

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# And don't dilly dally on the way

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# Off went the van with the home packed in it

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# I walked behind with me old cock linnet

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# But I dillied and dallied

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# Dallied and dillied

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# Lost the van and don't know where to roam

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# You can't trust the specials like the old time coppers

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# When you can't find your way home... #

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Yes!

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# You can't trust the specials like the old time coppers

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# When you can't find your way home... #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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An exuberantly...

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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..extrovert, like you,

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extravaganza of uninhibited

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hilarity

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and equilibristic...

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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..acumen.

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Funny acrobatics.

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The Macardis!

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Ladies and gentlemen...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Albert, as you see, prepares, ladies and gentlemen,

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for that nonpareil

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nenuphar...

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AUDIENCE CHEERS

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..of nubility.

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Your own,

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your very, very own,

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Eira Heath!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Now Jim O'Shea was cast away

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# Upon a desert isle

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# The natives there they liked his hair

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# They liked his Irish smile

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# So made him chief Panjandrum the Nabob of them all

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# They called him Jij-ji-boo Jhai

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# And decked him out so gay

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# So he wrote to Dublin Bay To his sweetheart

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# Just to say

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# Sure I've got rings

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# On my fingers

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# Bells on my toes

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# Elephants to ride upon

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# My little Irish rose

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# So come to your Nabob

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# And next Patrick's Day

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# Be Mrs Mumbo Jumbo Jij-ji-boo Jhai

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# O'Shea. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# In the gloaming

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# Oh, my darling

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# When the lights are dim and low

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# And the quiet

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# Shadows falling

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# Softly come

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# And softly go

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# When the winds are sobbing faintly

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# With a gentle unknown woe

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# Will you think of me

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# And love me

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# As you did once long ago

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# In the gloaming

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# Oh, my darling

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# Think not bitterly of me

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# Though I past away in silence

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# Left you lonely, set you free.

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# For my heart was crushed with longing

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# What had been would never be

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# It was best we parted thus, dear

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# Best for you and best for me

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# It was best we parted thus

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# Best for you

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# And best for me. #

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APPLAUSE

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AUDIENCE JOIN IN

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# The twi-twi-twi-light

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# Out in the beautiful twilight

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# They all go out for a walk, walk, walk

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# A quiet old spoon and a talk, talk, talk

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# That's the time they long for

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# Just before the night

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# And many a grand little wedding is planned

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# In the twi-twi-light

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# A sweet and blushing girl you see

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# A queen of high society

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# Fond of fun as fond can be

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# When it's on the strict QT

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# I'm not too young and not too old

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# Not too timid, not too bold

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# Just the kind you'd like to hold

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# Just the kind for sport I'm told... #

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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-AUDIENCE JOIN IN

-# Ta-ra-ra

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# Boom de-ay!

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# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

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# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

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# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

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# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

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# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

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# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

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# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!

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# Oh, Mr Porter

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# What shall I do?

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# I want to go to Birmingham and they're taking me on to Crewe

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# Send me back to London as quickly as you can

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# Oh, Mr Porter what a silly girl I am

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# In the shade of the old apple tree

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# When the love in your eyes I could see

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# When the voice that I heard like the song of the bird

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# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me

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# I could hear the dull buzz of the bee

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# In the blossoms as you said to me

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# With a heart that is true

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# I'll be waiting for you

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# In the shade of the old apple tree... #

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-AUDIENCE JOIN IN

-# With a heart that is true

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# I'll be waiting for you

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# In the shade of the old apple tree. #

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APPLAUSE

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-The apotheosis. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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The acme, the zenith of lustrous legerdemain

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and prestidigitation.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Magic.

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Illimitable inelegance,

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Mr Larry Parker!

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BAND PLAYS

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MUSIC: I Could Have Danced All Night

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LAUGHTER

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Hey! Hup!

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Hup! Hup!

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HE EXHALES

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Ah! Now, ah!

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HE GIGGLES

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Hup!

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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HE WHISTLES

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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STUTTERS: Ladies and gentlemen,

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I have now two completely unprepared...

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LAUGHTER

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I have two completely unprepared... Hey! Ho! Fa! Fa-fa-fa!

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HE GIGGLES

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Now, I take two hankies.

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Tie the hankies by the...

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HE STUTTERS

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For the.... Ah!

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Ah! Placed in the...

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Now, I have also one completely unprepared Union Jack.

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Hey! Ho! Hoo!

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T-take... Place the Union Jack in the handling, in the handling

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for the eh-eh... For the... Ah!

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LAUGHTER

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Sprinkling with the dust... With the...

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HE LAUGHS

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Sprinkling once more... HE STUTTERS

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That's it... Hey! Ho!

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Now... Ah! APPLAUSE

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HE STUTTERS

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Way! Ha! Ho! Hup!

0:17:460:17:48

LAUGHTER

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Ah! LAUGHTER

0:17:520:17:55

FANFARE

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GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

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Hey!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Oi!

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LAUGHTER

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Completely hypnotised. Completely, completely... Oi!

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The eyeballs... The eyeballs... Completely kaput.

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There's nothing at all there. LAUGHTER

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Hey!

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Eyeball's kaput! The eyeball's completely kaput! There's nothing...

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LAUGHTER

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Ah!

0:19:000:19:02

Hey! Ha! Ho!

0:19:040:19:06

Ah!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ah!

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:380:19:42

APPLAUSE

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DRUMROLL

0:20:050:20:06

Hey!

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CLUCKING

0:20:100:20:12

CLUCKING CONTINUES

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FRANTIC CLUCKING

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GUNSHOT

0:20:210:20:22

LAUGHTER

0:20:220:20:24

CHEERING

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In a sonorous synthesis of sibling...

0:20:450:20:51

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:20:510:20:52

..synchronisation and scintillant simple...simultaneity...

0:20:520:20:58

CHEERING

0:20:580:20:59

I've got a very good dentist.

0:21:010:21:03

LAUGHTER

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..the Barry Brothers.

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APPLAUSE

0:21:060:21:08

# Johnny O'Connor had an automobile

0:21:140:21:17

# He took his sweetheart for a ride on Sunday

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# Johnny was dressed up in his best Sunday clothes

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# She nestled close to his side

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TOGETHER: # Things went just dandy till they'd gone down the road

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# Then something happened to the old machinery

0:21:310:21:35

# The engine got his goat

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# Off went his hat and coat

0:21:370:21:38

# Everything needed repairs

0:21:380:21:41

# So he'd have to get under

0:21:410:21:43

# Get out and get under

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# To fix his little machine

0:21:450:21:49

# Though he was dying to cuddle his queen

0:21:490:21:52

# But every minute when he'd begin it

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# He'd have to get under

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# Get out and get under

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# Then he'd get back at the wheel

0:21:590:22:02

# To hug and squeeze he'd boldly get to work

0:22:020:22:05

# And then the brakes would jam

0:22:050:22:07

# There'd be a jerk

0:22:070:22:09

# And then he'd have to get under

0:22:090:22:11

# Get out and get under

0:22:110:22:13

# And fix up his automobile. #

0:22:130:22:15

# And then he'd row, row, row

0:22:150:22:18

# Way up the river he would row, row, row

0:22:180:22:20

# A hug he'd give her

0:22:200:22:22

# Then he'd kiss her now and then

0:22:220:22:23

# She would tell him when

0:22:230:22:25

# They'd fool around and fool around

0:22:250:22:27

# And then they'd kiss again

0:22:270:22:28

# And then he'd row, row, row

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# A little further how he'd row-oh-oh-oh-oh

0:22:310:22:35

# Then he'd throw both his oars

0:22:350:22:36

# Take a few more encores

0:22:360:22:38

# And then he'd row, row, row-oh-oh-oh

0:22:380:22:41

# And then he'd row-oh, row-oh

0:22:410:22:45

# Row-oh-oh-oh! #

0:22:450:22:51

APPLAUSE

0:22:510:22:53

# Moonlight and roses

0:23:050:23:12

# Bring wonderful memories of you

0:23:120:23:19

# My heart reposes

0:23:190:23:27

# In beautiful thoughts so true

0:23:270:23:34

# June light discloses

0:23:340:23:41

# Love's golden dreams sparkling anew

0:23:410:23:49

# Moonlight and roses

0:23:490:23:55

# Bring memories

0:23:550:23:59

# Of you

0:23:590:24:03

# Moonlight and roses

0:24:030:24:10

# Bring memories

0:24:100:24:16

# Of you. #

0:24:160:24:22

APPLAUSE

0:24:220:24:23

Verisimilitudinous...

0:24:440:24:47

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:24:470:24:48

That's like you - lifelike.

0:24:500:24:52

..in vertiginous virtuosity of ventrilingual...

0:24:530:24:59

CHEERING

0:24:590:25:00

..vocalisation, Mr Neville King!

0:25:000:25:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:050:25:07

MUSIC: Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

0:25:130:25:16

LAUGHTER

0:25:200:25:21

-FROM THE WINGS:

-What a load of rubbish this is.

0:25:370:25:39

What a load of codswallop.

0:25:440:25:46

-Just stop.

-MUSIC STOPS

0:25:480:25:50

-Rubbish. Rubbish!

-What's the matter with you?

0:25:500:25:53

-I'm fed up...

-Come here, come here, come here, come here.

0:25:530:25:56

I'm fed up of seeing bloody conjurers.

0:25:560:25:58

LAUGHTER

0:25:580:25:59

We've got a glut of conjurers...

0:26:030:26:05

APPLAUSE

0:26:050:26:07

We've got a glut - a glut of conjurors on this show

0:26:110:26:15

and I'm fed up of seeing them.

0:26:150:26:16

-Now what do you know about show business?

-Everything.

0:26:180:26:22

So you come here, interfering with my act

0:26:220:26:23

and you think you know everything about show business?

0:26:230:26:26

-I've done the lot.

-You've done the lot?

-Everything.

0:26:260:26:29

I see. And what did you do in show business?

0:26:290:26:33

I worked for a ventriloquist.

0:26:330:26:35

LAUGHTER

0:26:350:26:37

Very, very clever. I see, you worked for a ventril...

0:26:370:26:40

-You were one of those little dollies that they sort of...

-Gottle of geer.

0:26:400:26:43

Yes, yes, I remember, and then you sang a little song and then,

0:26:430:26:46

I remember, then the ventriloquist sort of eased you up there

0:26:460:26:50

-on top of a big case, put you in the case.

-Not me.

0:26:500:26:53

Oh, yes, I saw the act, you see, what happened...

0:26:530:26:55

-No, no, take your hands off.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:550:26:58

You see, what actually happened...

0:26:580:27:00

Take your bloody hands off me!

0:27:000:27:01

LAUGHTER

0:27:010:27:03

-I've seen the act.

-I'm not... I'm not going in any bloody case!

0:27:030:27:06

LAUGHTER

0:27:060:27:07

I've seen the act. I know what happens.

0:27:090:27:11

This is a load of codswallop.

0:27:150:27:17

Now listen, how can I get him in that case?

0:27:170:27:20

-I know. I'll hypnotise him.

-You what?

0:27:200:27:22

-You are now going very, very queer.

-I say!

0:27:250:27:29

Your head feels very, very heavy.

0:27:290:27:31

It's going round and round and round.

0:27:310:27:34

LAUGHTER

0:27:340:27:35

You are now going in a deep, deep sleep.

0:27:370:27:42

Sleep!

0:27:440:27:46

SNORING

0:27:470:27:49

LAUGHTER

0:27:550:27:57

Completely in my power. Now, ladies and gentlemen...

0:27:570:28:00

I'm not going in that case!

0:28:000:28:02

GENTLE MUSIC

0:28:240:28:25

Eugh!

0:28:460:28:47

Oh-h!

0:29:000:29:01

I like that.

0:29:030:29:04

DRUMROLL

0:29:270:29:30

APPLAUSE

0:29:310:29:34

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:580:30:02

Eliminating the impedimenta of illusion,

0:30:180:30:22

Albert is harbinger

0:30:220:30:24

for the advent of the vibrant dynamism...

0:30:240:30:29

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

0:30:290:30:30

..the galvanic diablerie...

0:30:300:30:33

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

0:30:330:30:34

..of that torrid tornado of titillation...

0:30:340:30:38

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

0:30:380:30:40

..the one and only Eartha Kitt!

0:30:400:30:44

# When I was young and innocent

0:31:020:31:05

# You stole into my heart

0:31:060:31:10

# You told me things I now repent

0:31:100:31:14

# Whenever we're apart

0:31:140:31:16

# You told me that the world was wide

0:31:180:31:23

# A bit too wide

0:31:230:31:26

# And now, I'm not satisfied... #

0:31:260:31:30

MURMURS AND GIGGLES

0:31:300:31:33

# With just a cup of tea

0:31:360:31:39

# I was...

0:31:420:31:45

SHE GASPS

0:31:490:31:51

# A good little girl

0:31:510:31:56

# Till I met you

0:31:560:31:59

# You put my head in a whirl

0:32:010:32:05

# My poor heart too

0:32:050:32:09

# Oh, how you told me the tale

0:32:090:32:13

# You always do

0:32:160:32:19

# I was a good little girl

0:32:190:32:22

# Till I met you

0:32:240:32:27

# I never stayed out late at night

0:32:330:32:37

# At least, not after ten

0:32:390:32:42

# I was indifferent to men

0:32:440:32:47

# Until you came, and then

0:32:490:32:54

# You took me walking in the park

0:32:550:32:59

# You talked like Romeo... #

0:32:590:33:01

LAUGHTER

0:33:010:33:05

# And then you kissed me in the dark... #

0:33:060:33:10

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:33:100:33:13

# Poor me, I did not know... #

0:33:140:33:19

AUDIENCE: Aw!

0:33:190:33:22

SHE GASPS

0:33:220:33:24

# I was...

0:33:240:33:26

# A good little girl

0:33:320:33:35

# Till I met you

0:33:370:33:41

# You put my heart in a whirl

0:33:410:33:45

# My poor head too

0:33:450:33:48

# Oh, how you told me the tale

0:33:500:33:54

# You always do

0:33:560:33:58

# I was a good little girl

0:34:000:34:04

# Till I met you

0:34:040:34:07

# I was a good little girl

0:34:100:34:15

# Till I met you. #

0:34:170:34:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:34:220:34:26

# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?

0:34:390:34:41

# Won't you come home?

0:34:410:34:43

# She cried the whole night long

0:34:430:34:46

# I'll do the cooking and I'll pay the rent

0:34:460:34:50

# I know I've done you wrong

0:34:500:34:54

# Remember that early evening I threw you out?

0:34:540:34:58

# Just with a fine-tooth comb

0:34:590:35:02

# I know I'm to blame

0:35:020:35:04

# Ain't it a shame?

0:35:040:35:06

# Bill Bailey, won't you please come home? #

0:35:060:35:09

SHE PURRS

0:35:090:35:11

# Come home, Bill Bailey

0:35:110:35:12

# Won't you come home?

0:35:120:35:14

# She cried the whole night long

0:35:140:35:17

# I'll do the cooking and I'll pay the rent

0:35:170:35:21

# I know I've done you wrong

0:35:210:35:25

# Remember that rainy evening I threw you out?

0:35:250:35:29

# Nothing but a fine-tooth comb

0:35:290:35:32

# I know I'm to blame and ain't it a shame?

0:35:320:35:36

# Bill Bailey, won't you please come home? #

0:35:360:35:40

PIANO INTRODUCTION

0:35:400:35:42

LAUGHTER

0:35:470:35:49

# You made me love you

0:35:560:35:59

# I didn't wanna do it

0:36:010:36:04

# I didn't wanna do it

0:36:060:36:08

# You made me love you

0:36:140:36:18

# And all the time you knew it

0:36:200:36:23

# I guess you always knew it

0:36:230:36:25

# You made me happy sometimes

0:36:250:36:28

# And you made me glad

0:36:300:36:32

# But there were times, dear

0:36:340:36:36

# You made me feel so...unnecessary

0:36:370:36:43

# You made me sad for

0:36:460:36:51

# I didn't want to tell you

0:36:530:36:56

# I didn't want to tell you

0:36:560:37:00

# I want some love

0:37:000:37:02

# That's true

0:37:040:37:05

# Yes, I do

0:37:050:37:07

# Indeed I do

0:37:070:37:08

# You know I do

0:37:080:37:11

# Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme

0:37:110:37:15

# What I sigh for

0:37:150:37:18

# You know you got the brand of kisses that I'd die...

0:37:180:37:23

# You know you made me love you. #

0:37:260:37:32

ORCHESTRA STARTS UP

0:37:350:37:38

# Who were you with last night

0:37:380:37:42

# Out in the pale moonlight?

0:37:420:37:45

# It wasn't your sister

0:37:450:37:47

# It wasn't your ma

0:37:470:37:49

# Ah!

0:37:490:37:53

# Who were you with last night

0:37:530:37:56

# Out in the pale moonlight?

0:37:560:37:59

# Are you gonna tell your missus when you get home?

0:37:590:38:03

# Who were you with last night?

0:38:030:38:06

# Who were you with last night

0:38:070:38:10

# Out in the pale moonlight?

0:38:100:38:14

# It wasn't your missus

0:38:140:38:16

# It wasn't your ma... #

0:38:160:38:18

SHE PURRS

0:38:180:38:21

# Who were you with last night

0:38:210:38:25

# Out in the pale moonlight?

0:38:250:38:28

# Are you gonna tell your missus when you get home?

0:38:280:38:32

# Who were you with last night?

0:38:320:38:34

# You gonna tell your missus when you get home? I will!

0:38:360:38:39

# Who were you with last night? #

0:38:390:38:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:470:38:50

Inimitable...

0:39:080:39:09

..incomparable...

0:39:100:39:11

..endearingly irresistible,

0:39:130:39:15

your own, your very, very, very own

0:39:150:39:19

Arthur Askey!

0:39:190:39:21

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:39:210:39:23

Thank you!

0:39:260:39:28

-Hello, playmates!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

0:39:330:39:36

-Would you like me to come out there?

-Yes!

0:39:360:39:39

Well, no touching.

0:39:390:39:40

-You used to be over there.

-Oh, no, I never!

0:39:430:39:46

-Oh, yes, you did!

-No, I...

0:39:460:39:49

Oh, yes, you did!

0:39:490:39:51

-Oh, yes, you did.

-Oh...

0:39:510:39:54

I remember it.

0:39:540:39:56

Once again, ladies and gentlemen...

0:39:580:40:01

You didn't do it properly, Albert.

0:40:050:40:07

That was supposed to break!

0:40:090:40:10

Goodnight...

0:40:130:40:15

What are you blushing about? Go on, saw it.

0:40:170:40:21

Ah, that's better.

0:40:210:40:22

APPLAUSE

0:40:260:40:29

He's doing it!

0:40:290:40:30

There, that's what would have happened, you see.

0:40:320:40:35

When's the new man coming, Barney?

0:40:360:40:38

Right, are you all right, Bernard, and the boys?

0:40:390:40:42

Well, I'm going to sing you one, playmates,

0:40:420:40:44

I haven't flogged quite as much as the others.

0:40:440:40:46

It's a little song called The Penguin.

0:40:460:40:48

I do actions.

0:40:500:40:52

# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap

0:40:570:41:02

# I'm a little penguin such a funny little chap

0:41:020:41:05

# Bandy-legged bath bun

0:41:050:41:08

# Nothing like a swan

0:41:080:41:10

# The only bird that stands upon its sit-upon

0:41:100:41:14

# Dressed up in my dicky and my evening suit

0:41:140:41:18

# Everyone who sees me says he does look cute

0:41:180:41:22

# Then up comes the keeper with a biting swish

0:41:220:41:26

# Slaps me in the kisser with a stinking fish

0:41:260:41:30

# I'm a penguin

0:41:300:41:32

# Such a funny little chap

0:41:320:41:34

# With my flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap... #

0:41:340:41:39

All right.

0:41:390:41:40

Starched me cottons.

0:41:420:41:44

# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap

0:41:470:41:51

# I'm a little penguin such a funny little chap

0:41:510:41:55

# In the Arctic regions once I used to dwell

0:41:550:41:59

# Imagine how I suffered - it was downright hell

0:41:590:42:04

# Waggling around on the cold ice floes

0:42:040:42:08

# With icicles suspended from my parson's nose

0:42:080:42:12

# Sitting on an iceberg months and months - that's me

0:42:120:42:16

# All brass monkeys have my sympathy

0:42:160:42:20

# I'm a penguin

0:42:200:42:22

# Such a funny little chap

0:42:220:42:24

# With my flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap... #

0:42:240:42:28

I'll give you a treat this time, all right?

0:42:300:42:33

Serve them all alike!

0:42:330:42:35

# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap

0:42:370:42:41

# I'm a little penguin such a funny little chap

0:42:410:42:45

# One of nature's funnymen certain to amuse

0:42:450:42:49

# But underneath these feathers I've a heart like you

0:42:490:42:53

# So when you are laughing think about me, please

0:42:530:42:58

# Rubbing out my footprints with my duck's disease

0:42:580:43:02

# Look at Charlie Chaplin, he can make you yell

0:43:020:43:05

# But I'm a better comic - I lay eggs as well

0:43:050:43:10

# I'm a penguin

0:43:100:43:12

# Such a funny little chap

0:43:120:43:14

# With a flippity-floppity

0:43:140:43:16

# Flippity-floppity

0:43:160:43:18

# Le Penguinello

0:43:180:43:22

# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap. #

0:43:220:43:26

Thank you.

0:43:390:43:40

Once again, good...

0:43:420:43:44

Oh, we'll leave it, shall we? Ugh!

0:43:450:43:47

I'm going to give you one of my little poems. See how you like it.

0:43:510:43:54

A plumber went to mend a bath

0:43:540:43:56

There was a lady in it

0:43:560:43:58

As naked as a newborn babe and singing like a linnet.

0:43:580:44:02

She screamed and grabbed the bath mat

0:44:020:44:04

That's how she met her fate

0:44:040:44:06

The mat had "welcome" on it

0:44:060:44:08

Now she's a plumber's mate.

0:44:080:44:09

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:44:090:44:11

All right.

0:44:140:44:15

Well, now, playmates, I'm going to sing you a little chorus song.

0:44:220:44:25

Now, don't get panicky,

0:44:250:44:26

I'm not going to ask you to sing a whole chorus

0:44:260:44:29

or anything like that, but when I get to the end of my second chorus

0:44:290:44:32

I would like you, if you will, just to nip in here and there.

0:44:320:44:35

-Will you do that for me?

-Yes.

0:44:350:44:37

-Promise?

-Yes!

0:44:370:44:38

All right, take the oath.

0:44:380:44:40

Say "we"...

0:44:410:44:43

We...

0:44:430:44:44

That's the quietest "we" I've heard for a long time.

0:44:480:44:51

Put a bit of body in it. We...

0:44:510:44:54

We!

0:44:540:44:55

..the audience...

0:44:550:44:57

..the audience...

0:44:570:44:58

..do hereby declare...

0:44:580:45:00

..do hereby declare...

0:45:000:45:01

..that Arthur Askey...

0:45:010:45:03

..that Arthur Askey...

0:45:030:45:04

..will here and now...

0:45:040:45:06

..will here and now...

0:45:060:45:08

-Before your...

-ALL:

-..very eyes...

0:45:080:45:11

They couldn't wait, you see!

0:45:110:45:13

You can't wait!

0:45:130:45:14

Anyway, I'm singing this little chorus -

0:45:150:45:17

I'll tell you what I want you to do after. OK, off we go.

0:45:170:45:20

# Down in Casey's Court they're what you'd call right into fashion

0:45:240:45:28

# Down in Casey's Court they've got the greyhound racing passion

0:45:280:45:32

# Someone cleared the boatyard out and made a racing track

0:45:320:45:35

# And everybody entered dogs

0:45:350:45:37

# Any dogs, many dogs

0:45:370:45:39

# There were four-a-penny dogs

0:45:390:45:41

# They were a comely pet

0:45:410:45:43

# Dogs too thin, dogs too stout

0:45:430:45:45

# Dogs with whiskers and without

0:45:450:45:47

# And some went woof, some went yap

0:45:470:45:49

# Some went bow-wow-wow

0:45:490:45:51

# Dogs too long, dogs too short

0:45:510:45:53

# Freaks of every shape and sort

0:45:530:45:55

# And some went woof, some went yap

0:45:550:45:57

# Some went bow-wow-wow

0:45:570:45:59

# Their tails were short and thick

0:45:590:46:01

# Some were long and thin

0:46:010:46:02

# Some came too far out

0:46:020:46:04

# Some went too far in

0:46:040:46:06

# Pugs and pups, pings and pongs

0:46:060:46:08

# Wagged their little tos and froms

0:46:080:46:10

# And some went woof, some went yap

0:46:100:46:12

# Some went bow-wow-wow. #

0:46:120:46:14

That's it. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do, playmates.

0:46:140:46:16

I want you to imagine that this is a dog show

0:46:160:46:20

and you're all little dogs.

0:46:200:46:22

So we'll let the men do the woofing

0:46:220:46:24

and we'll leave the yapping to the ladies, all right?

0:46:240:46:27

Yeah!

0:46:270:46:28

Then all together, bow-wow-wow.

0:46:280:46:31

Gentlemen woof, ladies yap, then all together bow-wow-wow. You ready?

0:46:310:46:35

-Yes, yes.

-One, two, three, four.

0:46:350:46:38

# Dogs too thin, dogs too stout

0:46:380:46:40

# Dogs with whiskers and without

0:46:400:46:42

-# And some went

-Woof!

0:46:420:46:44

-# Some went

-Yap!

0:46:440:46:45

-# Some went

-Bow-wow-wow!

0:46:450:46:47

# Dogs too long, dogs too short

0:46:470:46:49

# Freaks of every shape and sort

0:46:490:46:51

-# And some went

-Woof!

0:46:510:46:53

-# Some went

-Yap!

0:46:530:46:54

-# Some went

-Bow-wow-wow!

0:46:540:46:56

# Their tails were short and thick

0:46:560:46:58

# Some were long and thin

0:46:580:47:00

# Some came too far out

0:47:000:47:03

# Some went too far in

0:47:030:47:05

# Pugs and pups, pings and pongs

0:47:050:47:07

# Wagged their little tos and froms

0:47:070:47:09

-# And some went

-Woof!

0:47:090:47:11

-# Some went

-Yap!

0:47:110:47:12

-# Some went

-Bow-wow-wow! #

0:47:120:47:14

Very, good, very good! But you know...

0:47:140:47:17

Thank you.

0:47:180:47:19

Do you know, playmates, when I was a little boy, I never had a dog.

0:47:220:47:26

-Aww.

-Aww.

0:47:260:47:28

-And do you know why?

-No.

0:47:280:47:30

# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

0:47:310:47:35

# Bow-wow

0:47:350:47:37

# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

0:47:370:47:40

# Bow-wow

0:47:400:47:42

# I've got a little cat

0:47:420:47:44

# And I'm very fond of that

0:47:440:47:46

# But I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow. #

0:47:460:47:52

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:47:520:47:55

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

0:48:090:48:11

there's just time to ask Mr Arthur Askey and Ms Eartha Kitt

0:48:110:48:13

to lead you in the last chorus for tonight,

0:48:130:48:15

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:48:150:48:16

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Arthur Askey, Ms Eartha Kitt,

0:48:160:48:19

the entire company, Mr Bernard Hammond, the entire orchestra.

0:48:190:48:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:48:230:48:26

-And this time, chiefly...

-Yourselves!

0:48:260:48:30

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:48:340:48:38

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

0:48:380:48:40

# Da, da, da, da, da

0:48:400:48:41

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:48:410:48:45

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

0:48:450:48:47

# Hear the little German band

0:48:480:48:50

# Da, da, da, da, da

0:48:500:48:52

# Just let me hold your hand dear

0:48:520:48:55

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

0:48:550:48:59

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

0:48:590:49:02

# Bush, Bush! #

0:49:020:49:04

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:49:040:49:07

Leonard Sachs presents a 1972 edition of the old-time music hall programme from the stage of the City Varieties Theatre, Leeds. With guests Eartha Kitt and Arthur Askey.


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