06/04/1973 The Good Old Days

ALL: # Oh! You beautiful doll

# You great big beautiful doll

# Let me put my arms around you

# I could never live without you

# Oh! You beautiful doll

# You great big beautiful doll

# If you ever leave me How my heart will ache

# I want to hug you But I fear you'd break

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, you beautiful doll! #

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Once... Once again,

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

-Preliminarily... AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-In expunction of peripheral... AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Perorational...

P-E-R-O-R... THEY LAUGH

..A-T-I-O-N-A-L.

THEY CHEER

-Do I get the money? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Perorational superfluity

-and exhilarating ozoniferous extravaganza. AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Exultant in melodious maritime miscellany.

Seaside songs!

Ladies and gentlemen, The Polymorphous Players Theatre

and none other than Mr Bernard Cribbins

and Miss Sandie Shaw!

CHEERING

ALL: # Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside

# I do like to be beside the sea

# I do like to stroll along the Prom, Prom, Prom

# Where the brass bands play tiddely-om-pom-pom

# So just let me be beside the seaside

# I'll be beside myself with glee

# There are lots of girls beside I should like to be beside

# Beside the seaside Beside the sea! #

# I love to go swimmin' with wimmin

# And wimmin love swimmin' with me

# I pretend that I'm a crab and their dainty ankles grab

# Who wouldn't be a lobster in the sea?

# For peaches all fall on the beaches

# And picking them's my specialty

# I get those Navy notions when I see floating queens

# I dive into the ocean and I play submarines

# I love to go swimmin' with wimmin

# And wimmin love swimmin' with me. #

Listen, everybody!

She sells sea-shells on the seashore.

The shells she sells are sea-shells, I'm sure.

For if she sells sea-shells on the sea shore,

then I'm sure she sells sea-shore shells.

All together now!

ALL: # She sells seashells on the seashore

# The shells she sells are sea-shells, I'm sure

# For if she sells sea-shells on the sea-shore

# Then I'm sure she sells sea-shore shells. #

Whoo!

-# They're all single by the seaside

-Oi! Oi!

# All single by the sea

# Oh! See them on the pier each night

# All busy in the twi-twilight

# They're all single by the seaside

# All happy as can be

# When you see a pretty face or a dainty piece of lace

# They're all single by the sea

ALL: # When you see a pretty face or a dainty piece of lace

# They're all single by the sea. #

# You can do a lot of things at the seaside

# That you can't do in town

# Fancy seeing mother with her legs all bare

# Paddling in the fountain in Trafalgar Square

# Bobbing up and down in the water 'Twould make a policeman frown

# You can do a lot of things at the seaside

# That you can't do in town

-ALL: # No, you can't do

-No!

-# No, you can't do.

-No!

# No, you can't do in town. #

# The seaside girl

# Oh, the seaside girl

# As deep as the sea

# And as wide as the ocean is she

# Her front teeth cost her a fiver

# They look just like mother-of-pearl

# And that's why there's always a smile on the face

# Of the seaside girl

ALL: # And that's why there's always a smile on the face

# Of the seaside girl. #

# Like this! Like this! Bobbing up and down like this

# Gus and Gertie in their bathing socks

# All mixed up like chocolates in a box

# They cried, "What ho!" Such fun we would not miss

# When we saw his missus and the man next door

# Bobbing up and down like this

# Like this! Like this! Bobbing up and down like this

# Gus and Gertie in their bathing socks

# All mixed up like chocolates in a box

# They cried, "What ho!" Such fun we would not miss

# When we saw his missus and the man next door

# Bobbing up and down like this Like this, like this, like this

# Bobbing up and down like this

# Bobbing up and down like this Oh! #

APPLAUSE

I promise you, ladies and gentlemen,

you will have Miss Sandie Shaw and Mr Bernard Cribbins...

THEY CHEER

..once again later on in the programme.

And this time, more decently covered.

THEY GROAN

And now ladies and gentlemen, to whet your appetite,

your libidinous appetites, from France,

Mademoiselle Marie Ange Brillet!

THEY CHEER

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

THEY CHEER

And now, something for the ladies.

THEY CHEER

-Munificent... AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-Magisterial... AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-..muscularity. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Stimulant in stentorian Caledonian canticles.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

That, in spite of anything you may think, means Scottish songs.

Welcome to Mr Bill McCue!

THEY CHEER

# Hail Caledonia! Land of my childhood

# Land of my birth So radiant and fair

# Though I have roam'd through the world and its treasures

# No place on earth with thee can compare

# Thou art majestic and regal in splendour

# Thou art the home of the gallant and true

# Lassies with hearts Aye, so true and so tender

# Hail Caledonia!

# How I love you!

# Let the Irish sing of their Em'rld Isle

# Where the four-leav'd shamrock grows

# Let the English praise their valleys and braes

# And the bonny English rose

# But give me the land o' the heather and the kilt

# The mountains and the river

# For the blood leaps in my veins

# When I hear the bagpipe's strains

# Scotland, dear old Scotland forever! #

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

# The northern lights of old Aberdeen

# Mean home sweet home to me

# The northern lights of Aberdeen

# Are what I long to see

# I've been a wanderer all of my life

# And many a sight I've seen

# God speed the day when I'm on my way

# To my home in Aberdeen. #

-# A Gordon for me, a Gordon for me

-AUDIENCE JOIN

# If ye're no a Gordon, ye're nae use to me

# The Black Watch are braw the Seaforths and a'

# But the cocky wee Gordon's the pride o' them all. #

Come on now, louder!

# A Gordon for me, a Gordon for me

# If ye're no a Gordon, ye're nae use to me

# The Black Watch are braw and Seaforths and a'

# But the cocky wee Gordon's the pride o' them all. #

# And it's oh, my...

# Mackay, tell me who is the girl that you'll marry?

# Is it Molly or Clare from Maddison Square

# Or bonnie wee Jean from Glengarry? #

# At hush of even-tide

-# Over the hills beyond the Clyde

-AUDIENCE JOIN

# I go roaming to my ceiling

# Down in the Glen

# Though humble it may be

# There an angel waits for me

# In that lonely little ceiling

# Down in the Glen

# Across the moonlit heather

# My lassie calls as I roam

# Yet soon we'll be together

# In that heaven we call home

# The sheep are in the fold

# And there's peace worth more than gold

# For a shepherd in the ceiling

# Down in the Glen! #

APPLAUSE

That's for the pretty lady in the front row,

the green...lady in green,

who's still sitting in an hypnotic glaze...

THEY LAUGH

..staring...staring at Mr McCue's dimpled knees.

THEY LAUGH

And now, ladies and gentlemen - all right, now?

And now, ladies and gentlemen, from the Netherlands...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-..via Australia... AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..convocative for cognoscenti...

That is the knowing among you.

..of... THEY LAUGH

-I don't know!

-Pardon? You don't know?

Well, get the gentleman next to you to teach you.

..of contrapuntal contrarieties,

welcome to Mr Francis van Dyke!

THEY CHEER, MUSIC PLAYS

HE PLAYS INTRO

MUSIC: By The Light Of The Silvery Moon

AUDIENCE HUMS ALONG

ORCHESTRA JOINS

APPLAUSE

THEY CHEER

THEY LAUGH

MUSIC: Turkey In The Straw

THEY LAUGH

APPLAUSE

PLAYS MELODY FASTER

-That's all.

-APPLAUSE

Bravo.

Yes.

HE PLAYS A MELODY

THEY CHEER

PLAYS MELODY AGAIN

HE IMITATES LAUGHTER

PLAYS MELODY, LAUGHTER

HE IMITATES LAUGHTER

IMITATES LAUGHTER AT LOWER PITCH

-HE SCRAPES

-Sorry!

HE IMITATES A WOLF-WHISTLE

CONTINUES PLAYING MELODY

THEY CHEER

Denmark undeniably delivers the unparalleled ultimate...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-..in aerial equipoise.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Kagans!

THEY CHEER

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Ladies...

Ladies and gentlemen, Madame Kagan will now attempt

to overreach the difficult with the impossible.

She will repeat that fly walk, but this time, blindfolded.

As you know, there is no safety net underneath, and she begs you,

please, because of the effort of concentration involved,

not this time to applaud until she has finished the walk.

Ladies and gentlemen, Madame Kagan.

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS MOON RIVER

AUDIENCE GASP

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

THEY CHEER

-Ineluctably... AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

Ingenuous, imponderably ineffable, once again,

your own, you're very, very own Sandie Shaw!

THEY CHEER

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

On the day I left the village, my dear mother whispered...

Nell, take this piece of bread and dripping and your fare.

And remember when in London, though you're just a servant girl,

you're just the sort that gentlemen ensnare.

With your youth and fatal beauty, when you get to Waterloo,

there'd be crowds of dukes and millionaires...

# All waiting there for you

# But heaven will protect an honest girl

# An an-gi-el will guard you, little Nell

# When these rich men tempt you, Nelly

# With their spark-el-ling Moselly

# Say "Nay-nay!" And do be very carefu-el!

# And if some old bloated blase roue swell

# Says, "I'll kiss you We're alone in this hotel"

# Breathe a prayer he shall not do it

# And then biff him with the cruet

THEY LAUGH

# Then Heaven will protect an honest girl!

# I wondered round Leicester Square from six o'clock till nine

# But no millionaire came tempting me to stray

# If he does, I thought, I'll let him take me to the Ritz to dine

# Then I'll gobble up his tripe and run away

# Oh, my God, I did feel feel hungry, cor, I hadn't had a bite

# Since my piece of bread and dripping

# And I knew that Ma was right

# Yes, 'eaven will protect an honest girl

# Next day, I pawned my shawl in Camberwell

# Then my skirt and blouse I blagged 'em

# I went trampin' back to Dagenham

# When a fortnight passed And then I rang the bell

# "Oh, but Mother, dear", I said, "It's little Nell

# "I've lost my soul, my uppers too as well

# "And I've walked 'ome in my undies

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

# But I'll tell the class on Sundays

# That 'eaven will protect an 'onest girl! #

APPLAUSE

# Hello! Hello! Who's your lady friend?

# Who's the little girlie by your side?

# I've seen you with a girl or two

# Oh! Oh! Oh! I am surprised at you

# Hello! Hello! Stop your little games

# Don't you think your ways you ought to mend?

# It wasn't the girl I saw you with at Brighton

# Who, who, who's your lady friend? #

# Who were you with last night?

# Who were you with last night?

# It wasn't your sister It wasn't your ma

# Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

# Who were you with last night

# Out in the pale moonlight?

# Are you going to tell your missus

# When you get home

# Who were you with last night? #

# Put your arms around me, honey, hold me tight

# Huddle up and cuddle up with all your might

# Oh! Oh! Won't you roll those eyes?

# Eyes I love to idolise

# When you look at me, my heart begins to float

# Then it starts a rockin' like a motor boat

# Oh! Oh! I never knew any boy like you. #

# If you were the only boy in the world

# And I were the only girl

# Nothing else would matter in the world today

# We would go on loving in the same old way

# A garden of Eden just made for two

# With nothing to mar our joy

# I would say such wonderful things to you

# There would be such wonderful things to do

# If you were the only...

-AUDIENCE:

-# Boy in the world!

# And I were the only girl

# If you were the only boy in the world

# And I were the only girl

# Nothing else would matter in the world today

# We could go on loving in the same old way

# A garden of Eden just made for two

# With nothing to mar our joy

# There would be such wonderful things to do

# I would say such wonderful things to you

# If you were the only girl in the world

# And you were the only boy. #

APPLAUSE

Concluding our world tour, cosmopolitanism incarnate!

All the way from Lancashire. THEY LAUGH

The one and only Bernard Cribbins!

THEY CHEER

THEY LAUGH

Ahem!

# When Haggen Schmidt ran second in the Derby last July

# I was standing at the corner of the street

# And a fellow dressed in uniform could easily see that I

# Was standing at the corner of the street

# He treated me and told me that the country needed men

# In lifeguard's clothes, he said I'd look a treat

# And he gave to me a shilling so I signed my name and then

# I was standing at the corner of the street

# And for standing at the corner of the street

# They dressed me up with spurs upon my feet

# They put me on this horse's back to teach me 'ow to ride

# When I fell off, the riding master came to me and cried

# "However did you come to be a soldier?" I replied,

# "I was standing at the corner of the street"

# Now once when I was quite a lad, instead of going to school, I was...

-AUDIENCE:

-# Standing at the corner of the street

# I landed there at ten o'clock I'd made it quite a rule to be...

# Standing at the corner of the street

# One day, my teacher caught me I fair trembled at the knees

# "You're late again!" Then he kicked me with 'is feet

# "Pray, tell me the reason"

# So, I of course replied

# "I was standing at the corner of the street"

# And for standing at the corner of the street

# "In store for you, me lad, you've got a treat"

# Then 'e laid me on a form and with his cane, he gave a frown

# He put some stripes across me pants

# They were pink, red, white and brown

# And after that, for many a day, instead of sitting down

# I was standing at the corner of the street. #

Right!

# Now, the other day, as usual, instead of going a walk, I was...

# Standing at the corner of the street

# And two men come running up to me, their faces white as chalk, I was...

# Standing at the corner of the street

# They said a bull has just escaped He's absolutely mad

# He's knocked a dozen policemen off their feet

# There's only one man strong enough to catch that bull, they cried

# And he's

# Standing at the corner of the street

# Well, I was standing at the corner of the street

# I said, "We'll soon stop his retreat"

# Now one of you stand 'ere like this and show him something red

# The other one must grab 'is horns and 'old on to 'is 'ead

# They both said, "Where will you be?" so I turned round and said,

# "I'll be standing at the corner of the street." #

Thank you! Thank you!

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you, Mr Herrmann!

Thank you!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

May I come amongst them? Are they all right?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Have they all been fed and watered, have they? Good, yes.

-No! No!

-Yes?

-No?

-Never mind, won't be long now, ladies and gentlemen.

With the aid of Mr Bernard Herrmann and yourself, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like you to join me in the chorus

of this very horticultural ditty.

With the aid of Mr Herrmann and his sons of suction...

THEY LAUGH

..I would like you to join me in singing that well-known phrase,

the Marrow Song.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

# Down the street there lives a man I'd like you all to know

# He grew a great big marrow for the local flower show

# When the story got around, they came from far and wide

# And when the people saw the marrow, everybody cried

# Ooooh! What a beauty!

# I've never seen one as big as that before. #

Come on!

# Ooooh! What a beauty!

# It must be two feet long or even more

# It's such a lovely colour and nice and round and fat

# I never thought a marrow could grow as big as that

-# Ooooh! What a beauty! #

-Louder!

# I've never seen one as big as that before. #

Oh, please, please! Please, please, please, please.

Put me off my stroke there with my dainty footwork.

# He was leaning on the garden gate the other day

# And he beckoned to a lady who lived just across the way

# He took her down the garden path and showed it her with pride

-# And when she saw the size of it...

-THEY LAUGH

# The little lady sighed

# Ooooh! What a beauty!

# I'd never seen one as big as that before. #

Come on!

# Ooooh! What a beauty!

# It must be two feet long or even more

# It's such a lovely colour And nice and round and fat

# I never thought a marrow could grow as big as that. #

Come on!

# Ooooh! What a beauty!

# I've never seen one as big as that before. #

THEY CHEER

Wait, wait.

# And then the flower show come round and everybody went

# To see the great big marrow lying there inside the tent

# When the judges came along to give the prizes out

# They only took one look at it and then began to shout... #

Come on, now.

# Ooooh! What a beauty!

# I've never seen one as big as that before. #

Come on!

# Ooooh! What a beauty!

# It must be two feet long or even more

-# It's such a lovely colour...

-And nice and round and fat

# I never thought a marrow could grow as big as that

# Ooooh! What a beauty!

# I've never seen one as big as that before. #

One more time!

-# Ooooh! What a beauty! #

-Come on.

# I've never seen one as big as that before. #

All jump and down!

-# Ooooh! What a beauty! #

-Come on.

# It must be two feet long or even more. #

Bounce, bounce!

# It's such a lovely colour and nice and round and fat

# I never thought a marrow could grow as big as that. #

Oh!

# Oooh! What a beauty!

# I've never seen one as big as that before

# I've never seen one as big as that before. #

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

Thank you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, there is just time to ask

Mr Bernard Cribbins and Miss Sandie Shaw

to lead the company of yourselves in the last chorus of the night,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush. Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Bernard Cribbins, Miss Sandie Shaw,

Mr Bernard Herrmann

and the entire vertiginously versatile orchestra!

THEY CHEER

But this time, chiefly...

-AUDIENCE:

-Yourselves!

ALL: # Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Come, come, come drink port wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band La-la-la-la-la-la

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Bush-Bush! #

APPLAUSE