20/07/1973 The Good Old Days

SINGING

FANFARE PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again...

BOOING

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-ALL:

-Good evening!

My own...

LAUGHTER

..prognosticatory...

BOOING

..predilection... BOOING

..forplethorical...

BOOING ..polysyllabification.

BOOING AND JEERING

Far too many long words...

BOOING

..normally precludes oversimplification, but TONIGHT...

(The devil...) ..it's just Charlie...Drake!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE TUTS

Hello, my darlings.

-ALL:

-Hello.

Say it once more. Say it back to me. You ready? One, two, three.

Hello, my darlings.

-ALL:

-Hello, Charlie.

Beautiful.

# When you're feeling sad and blue

# And the job's too much for you

# This is what you've got to do... Sing!

-ALL:

-# Hello, my darling!

# Happiness is on its way

# This is what you've gotta say

# It's a happy day today...

Sing!

# Hello, my darling!

# Wear a grin upon your sleeve

# Smile and wink your eyes

# You will find to your surprise

# Happiness will multiply

# Let it rain, let it shine

# Everything will turn out fine

# The whole darn world is yours and mine... Sing!

# Hello

# Hello

# Hello

# Hello

# Hello

# My darling! #

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

One, two, three.

# I gets up in the morning about a half past eight

# I'm always punctual

# Never, never late

# With a nice cup of tea

# A little round of toast

# The Sporting Life and the Winning Post

# I gets all nice and tidy

# Then I toddles off to work

# I do the best I can

# Still I'm only a-doin' what a bloke should do

-ALL:

-# Cos I'm only a workin' man!

# Yes, I'm only a-doin' what a bloke should do

# Cos I'm only a-workin' man. #

Thank you, thank you.

-Good evening, sir.

-You are late.

LAUGHTER

-Pardon?

-You are late.

-Yeah...

-HE MUMBLES

-What happened?

-I got the sack.

I know that, but why?

Considering that you come from a long line of plumbers,

I should've thought you would've made a very good job

-of being a plumber's mate.

-I know.

I was doing very well as the plumber's mate, you see,

-until Fanny Pankhurst...

-GIGGLING

She was having a bath and she got her big toe stuck up the bath tap.

LAUGHTER What happened?

Well, the guv'nor said to me, "Get round to Fanny Pankhurst's house,"

he said. "There's something wrong with her tap," he said.

LAUGHTER

-But he didn't mention that she had her big toe stuck up it?

-No.

Not a word, he just gave me a ball cock and a spanner...

LAUGHTER

..and said, "Get round there."

Howsomever, I got round there and there's Fanny Pankhurst,

lady in a bath, with her big toe stuck up a tap.

-What was she doing?

-Smiling.

LAUGHTER

Fanny Pankhurst was lying in a bath with her toe stuck up the tap

and she was smiling?

Yeah. And she said to me, "Do not be embarrassed, young man.

"I keep on a-doin' it and innit a good job I like a lot of water?"

-Then she screamed.

-Why did she scream?

I dropped me ball cock.

LAUGHTER

And it got tangled in the chain, pulled the tug out

and all the water started going down.

So, I turned the taps on to try and keep the water a decent level,

then I trod on the soap and fell in.

You fell in the bath with Fanny Pankhurst?

Well, not exactly.

Cos as I fell in, her big toe popped out

and she rushed off hollering and screaming.

-And then the phone rang.

-The phone by the bath?

-Mm-hm.

Well, who was it?

Her husband.

"Who's that?" he said. Yeah.

"Who's there?" he said.

-"Charles Drake, casual labourer..."

-HE TRAILS OFF

LAUGHTER

"What are you doing in my house?" He said, "What are you doing there?"

I said, "I'm having a bath at the moment."

-"Where's my wife?" he said.

-LAUGHTER

I said, "She was in here with me a minute ago."

He thereupon let out a long string of expletives.

Then he swore.

And 20 minutes later, he come round and punch me in the eye.

-20 minutes later he punched you in the eye?

-Yeah.

Well, tell me, when you hung up the phone,

why didn't you get to blazes out of there?

-I couldn't, couldn't.

-Why not?

-I had me big toe stuck up...

-LAUGHTER

Shall we sing?

Well, I can't, but let's.

# He gets up in the morning when the clock strikes eight

# I'm always punctual

# Never, never late

# With a nice cup of tea and a little piece of toast

# The Sporting Life and the Winning Post

# He gets all nice and tidy

# Then he toddles off to work

# I do the best I can

# Still he's only doing what a man should do

-ALL:

-# Cos I'm only a workin' man

-Take it, Leonard.

# Yes, he's doing what a man should do

Beautiful.

# Cos he's only a working man. #

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have youth at the helm

and beauty at the prow.

We give you for your agilitory accolade...

We hope you will give a very, very warm welcome

to a very young newcomer.

An adolescent lark ascendant.

Ms Cheryl Taylor.

# Life is sweet and gay

# All the world's a play

# There are blossoms of sunbeams that glorify the day

# And a gentle breeze wafting through the trees

# Serenades me with music of tender melodies

# Ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah

# Ah! Ha-ah-ha-ah

# Life is sweet to me

# So sweet and heavenly

# Today, I'm falling in love with life

# This is May time

# Flowers in bloom

# Banish the gloom

# This is play time

# Joy fills the air in the May time

# Ha-ah-ah-ah

# La-ha-ah

# La-ah-ah-ah-ha-ha-ah

# La-ah-ah-ah

# La-ah-ah-ah

# And my heart is so light and gay

# Spring in my heart

# Is forever and ever to be

# And I'll sing to the birds

# As they sing to me

# Ha-ah-ah

# Ha-ah-ha-ah

# La-ah, la-ah, la-ah-ah-ha

# Spring with its song

# Will forevermore be part of my heart

# Ah...

# Spring in my heart

# Is forever and ever to be

# And I'll sing to the birds

# As the birds sing to me

# Ha-ah-ah

# Ha-ah-ah

# Ha-ha-ah-ha-ha

# Springtime and I will never part

# Spring is in my heart, ah-ah-ah

# Every day

# I'll adore...

# For evermore

# Spring in my heart. #

Wasn't...

It wasn't very long ago that an American poet wrote,

"Your youth is like a water-wetted stone,

"bright with a beauty not its own."

And now, ladies and gentlemen, in a paroxysmically...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-..percussive...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-..perpetration...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..that assiduously sanctimonious sorority.

I bet that's not your sister. LAUGHTER

Ms Doreen Hermitage

and Ms Stella Moray!

-BOTH:

-# I am saved, I am

# I am saved, I am

# I am S-A-V-E-D

What's your hurry?

# I am saved, I am

-# I am saved...

-You know I've got bad feet.

# I am S-A-V-E-D

# Behold in us two pious girls

# We're very sanctified

# La-la-la-la...

LAUGHTER

# Since 12 months from this very day

# We've never sinned

# Nor lied

# The path of goodness now we tread

# And think it mighty grand

# For we have joined the noble lot -

# The hallelujah band

# La-la-la-la

SHE BEATS TAMBOURINE

# They call me Happy Eliza

# And me, Converted Jane

# We've been so wicked in our time

# We'll never be so again

# So, won't you come and join us?

# It's easily understood

# We're hallelujah sisters

# And we're bound to do you good

# Yes, we're hallelujah sisters

# And we're bound to do you good. #

CYMBALS CRASH

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

# We...

# Know that very good we are

# But strangely to relate

# Ah...

# Although we're often deep in thought

Oh, my head.

# We don't forget the plate

# For money, we can't do without

# For nice things, we all crave

# We tell you all we have such fun

# As through the streets, we rave

CYMBALS CRASH

# They call me Happy Eliza

# And me, Pervert...Converted Jane

# We've been so wicked in our time... Psst!

# Never to again

# So, won't you come and join us?

# It's easily understood

# We're hallelujah sisters

# And we're bound to do you good

-Go, girl, go!

-# We're hallelujah sisters

# And we're bound to do you good

# Do you good... # I'm on the wrong foot.

APPLAUSE

You always are!

# So, come my...

Oh.

-# So, come my...

-Oh.

After you.

# So come, my noble brethren, come

# And join our noble flock...

# La-la-la

Naughty, naughty.

# It's not so bad as you may think

# For we've a right good stock

# Of buxom lassies

# Young and fair

Eh...

# Not like big chumps of wood

# But all are truly beautiful

# And bound to do you good

# They call me Happy Eliza

# And me, Converted Jane

# We've been so wicked in our time

# We'll never be so again

-# So won't you come and join us?

-I can't do it.

# It's easily understood

# We're hallelujah sisters and we're bound to do you good... #

It's funny I can't do it.

Mine are bigger than hers and I just can't do it.

Anyway, we'll see you on Sunday.

God bless you.

Very nice to see you. Thank you so much.

Oh, dear.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Epitomising the acme,

the zenith, the apogee,

the apotheosis of empathetic philosophising,

who but your own Wilfred Pickles?

APPLAUSE AND FANFARE

-Now, don't laugh at my suit.

-LAUGHTER

You want to see what you look like down there.

LAUGHTER

-Leonard, I think you'd agree with me that...

-I always agree with you.

..one of the most popular forms of entertainment today

-is the musical monologue...

-Yes.

-..or recitation.

-Yes.

First of all, I'm going to do one, a short one,

that I hope you've never heard.

-Now we're a nation of dog lovers. I know you are.

-Yeah.

And this woman, Winifred Letts,

she wrote this about her favourite dog.

She really did love him. And he is Tim, an Irish terrier.

And she says...

Oh, it's wonderful dogs they're breeding now

Small as a flea and as large as a cow

But me old lad Tim, he'll never be bet

By any dog that ever he met

"Come on," says he, "For I'm not kilt yet"

Do you notice the scars at the side of his ear

The like of a Dublin fusilier?

He's a massacree dog that knows no fear

But he'd stick with me till his latest breath

And he'd go with me to the gates of death

And wait for a thousand years maybe

Scratching the door and whining for me

If myself were inside in purgatory

So, I laugh when I hear men make it plain

That dogs and men never meet again

For all their talk, who'd listen to them?

With the soul in the shining eyes of him

Would God be wasting a dog like Tim?

APPLAUSE

Well, now, Leonard, the monologue. I bet you know it.

Philosophy, as I said.

And I think if we all took notice of the words of this,

written by Tom Bracken,

the world would be a better place to live in,

and it's called Not Understood.

Not understood, we move along asunder

Our path grows wider as the seasons creep along the years

We marvel and we wonder why life is life

And then we fall asleep not understood

Not understood, we gather false impressions

And hug them closer as the years go by

Till virtues often seem to us transgressions

And thus men rise and fall and live and die

Not understood

Not understood

Poor souls with stunted vision

Oft measure giants by their narrow gauge

The poisoned shafts of falsehood and derision

Is oft impelled on those who mould the age

Not understood

Not understood

The secret springs of action

That lie between the surface and the show are disregarded

With self-satisfaction we judge our neighbours

And they often go

Not understood.

Not understood.

How trifles often change us

The thoughtless question or the fancied slight

Destroy long years of friendship and estrange us

And on our souls there falls a freezing blight

Not understood

Not understood

How many souls are aching for lack of sympathy

Aye, day by day

How many cheerless, lonely hearts are breaking

How many noble spirits pass away

Not understood.

Oh, God

That men would see a little clearer

Or judge less harshly where they cannot see

Oh, God

That men would draw a little nearer to one another

They'd be nearer Thee

And understood.

APPLAUSE

FANFARE

A fan faranade...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

French.

..from Mr Bernard Herrmann and his frenzied affiliates.

APPLAUSE

For mellifluousness made ineffably manifest,

ladies and gentlemen,

yet another final farewell performance

from those final farewell performers ad infinitum.

Once again, the Bancrofts!

FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

# Arcady, Arcady

# Is ever... #

LAUGHTER

-Desiree! If...

-LAUGHTER

Would you mind...? Desiree! Ethel!

You're off! Where the hell are you?

# Arcady

-BOTH:

-# Arcady is ever young

APPLAUSE

# In Arcady life flows along as careless as the shepherd's song

# That Strephon pipes along the lea In Arcady, in Arcady!

# In Arcady life trips along as lightsome as a pixy throng

# Who sport beneath the greenwood tree

# In Arcady, in Arcady

# In Arcady

# In Arcady

# Drone of bees amid the flowers

# Heralding the summer noon

# Songs of birds amid the bowers

# Litany of joyous June

-# Hush

-Hush?

# And murmur of the leaves

# As the zephyr comes and goes

# Green and gold of ripening sheaves

# Sailing clouds of pearl and rose

# The heart to love

# The eye to see

# These are the joys of Arcady!

-LAUGHTER

-# Crimson splendour of the west

# Glamour of the twilight-tide

-It's caught! It's caught!

-# Evening...

-Pardon?

-That's my bag! Oh!

# In Arcady life flows along as careless as the shepherd's song

# That Strephon pipes along the lea

# In Arcady

-# In Ar

-# Ca

# Dy

# In Arcady life trips along as lightsome as a pixy throng

# Who sport beneath the greenwood tree

# In Arcady, in Arcady

# In Arcady

# In Arcady. #

APPLAUSE

# Moon, Moon, mischief-making Moon

# What are you doing there?

# You seem like a fairy dream

# Up in the midnight air

# When I look at you I always know

# You will shoot me with your silver bow

# Just as soon as the daylight's gone

# Well, it's then I feel a foolish sort of feeling coming on

# I'm such a silly when the moon comes out

# I hardly seem to know what I'm about

-# Skipping

-# Hopping

# Never, never stopping

# I can't keep still, although I try

# I'm all a-quiver when the moonbeams glance

# That is the moment when I long to dance

-# I can

-# Never

# Close a sleepy eye

# When the moon comes creeping up the sky

# I'm such a silly when the moon comes out

# She hardly seems to know what she's about

-# Skipping

-Ah!

-# Hopping

-Ah!

-# Never, never stopping

-Achoo!

# I can't keep still, although I try

# She tries hard but can't

# I'm all a-quiver when the moonbeams glance

# That is the moment when I long to dance

# I can never close a sleepy eye

# When the moon comes creeping up

# The moon comes creeping up

# The moon comes creeping up the sky. #

APPLAUSE

I used to have a bigger handkerchief but it shrunk.

From Cardiff, the colic conviviality

and the longitudenaly...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..libidinous...

luminosity of Miss Lorne Lesley.

APPLAUSE AND FANFARE

# There's a boy I'm mad about

# And he always takes me out

# I hug him

# I squeeze him

# I tease him so

# And we always can be found

# When there's no-one else around

# Do we cuddle?

# Do we pet?

# You ain't seen nothing yet

# I love him

# In the morning

# And I love him at night

# I love him

# Yes, I love him

# When the stars are shining bright

# I love him in the springtime

# And I love him in the fall

# But last night on the back porch

# I loved him best of all

# Every time that we're alone

# I just call him on the phone

# I hurry

# I scurry

# I worry so

# I'm afraid that I might see

# Someone there in place of me

# If I lost him, what a blow

-# I love him, oh, oh, oh!

-LAUGHTER

# I love him in the morning

# And I love him at night

# I love him

# Yes, I love him

# When the stars are shining bright

# I love him in the springtime

# And I love him in the fall

# But last night on the back porch

# I loved him best of all

# I love him in the morning

# I love him at night

# I love him

# Yes, I love him

# When the stars are shining bright

# I love him in the springtime

# And I love him in the fall

# But last night on the back porch

# I loved him

# Best of all. #

# I'm a typically English rosebud

# Born of typically English stock

# With a typically Anglo-Saxon family tree

# I received my education in a typically English way

# At a typically English girls' academy

# I play typically English tennis

# At my typically English club

# With a typically English feeling for fair play

# I eat typically English crumpet

# For my typically English tea

# At the end of every typically English day

# Mummy and Daddy are typically English people

# Love to sing the songs of yesterday

# I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at 10.30

# And saunter along like a toff

# I walk down the Strand with my gloves in my hand

# Then I walk up again with them off

# I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt

# But my people are well off you know?

# Nearly everyone knows me from Smith to Lord Roseberry

# I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow. #

# And then he'd row, row, row

# Way up the river he would row, row, row

# A hug he'd give her

# Then he'd kiss her now and then

# She would tell him when

# They'd fool around and fool around

# And then he'd kiss again

# And then they'd row, row, row

# A little further he would row Oh-oh-oh

# Then he'd drop both his oars

# And take a few more encores

# And then he'd row, row, row. #

# When I go to typically English dances

# So, if anyone cares to ask me

# How I like this typically English life

# I will tell them I've never been so... #

Vertiginously extrapolate.

-Vertiginously eh-eh...excraplanate.

-Extrapolate, yes.

# ..in my life. #

# I know a millionaire

# Who's burdened with a care

# A load is on his mind

# He's thinking of the day

# When he must pass away

# And leave his wealth behind

# I haven't any gold

# To leave when I grow old

# Somehow it passed me by

# I know I'm poor, but still I'll leave a precious will

# When I must say goodbye

# I'll leave the sunshine to the flowers

# I'll leave the springtime to the trees

# And to the old folks I'll leave the memories

# Of a baby upon their knee

# I'll leave the night-time to the dreamers

# I'll leave the songbirds to the blind

# I'll leave the moon above

# To those in love

# When I leave the world behind

# When I leave the world behind

# I'll leave the night-time to the dreamers

# I'll leave the songbirds to the blind

# I'll leave the moon above

# To those in love

# When I leave the world behind

# When I leave the world behind. #

And now for the irrefutably,

frenetic phantasmagoria...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..which is things moving across a screen of your own Charlie Drake!

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

BELL DINGS

-BELL RINGS

-'Right. One bell jar - fragile.'

GLASS SHATTERS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

GLASS CLATTERS

GLASS CLATTERS

FALLING WHISTLE

OBJECTS CRASH AND CLATTER

-CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES

-'One table lamp - fragile.'

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS LOUDLY

FALLING WHISTLE

OBJECTS CRASH AND CLATTER

-OK.

-'One object more - fragile.'

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhh.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

METALLIC CLATTER

CRASHING

WOMAN SCREAMS SHRILLY

-OK.

-'Tea set - fragile.'

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Box of bricks.'

AUDIENCE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS

-And next.

-'Half a tea service.'

Send any other off.

Classic time here tonight...

WARE CLATTERS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

FALLING WHISTLE

CLATTER

Drake, what are you doing here?

-I'm just leaving, sir.

-Just leaving?

-Oh, my God, this is the end!

-CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

And, now, ladies and gentlemen, there's just time

to ask Mr Charlie Drake and Mr Wilfred Pickles

to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight -

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Charlie Drake, Mr Wilfred Pickles,

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire orchestra.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

-But this time, chiefly... ALL:

-Yourselves.

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da-da-da-da-da

# Come, come drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German Band Da-da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush Bush-bush. #

CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS