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08/02/1974 The Good Old Days

08/02/1974

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Transcript

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MUSIC STARTS

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# After the ball is over

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# After the break of morn

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# After the dancers' leaving

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# After the stars are gone

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# Many a heart is aching

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# If you could read them all

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# Many the hopes that have vanished

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# After the ball... #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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MUSIC RESTARTS

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LOUD CHEERING

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Once again...

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..good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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CHEERING

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Our cornucopic carivaria...

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..encompasses incontrovertible...

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..trans-atlanticism.

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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Which means we're going to have some American songs.

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LAUGHTER

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With the ubiquitous Players Theatre

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and the one and only Mr Roy...Castle!

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CHEERING AND MUSIC STARTS

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# Yankee Doodle Doodle dandy

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# Yankee Doodle do or die

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# A real live nephew Of his Uncle Sam

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# Born on the Fourth of July

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# He's got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart

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# She's his Yankee Doodle joy

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# Yankee Doodle came to London Just to ride the ponies

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# He is a Yankee Doodle Boy... #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# I'm the kid with all the candy

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# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

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# I'm glad I am...

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# So's Uncle Sam!

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# I'm a real live Yankee Doodle Made my name and fame and boodle,

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# Just like Uncle Doodle did, By riding on a pony

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# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

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# Yankee Doodle, do or die

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# A real live nephew Of my Uncle Sam

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# Born on the Fourth of July

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# I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart

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# She's my Yankee Doodle joy

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# Yankee Doodle came to London Just to ride the ponies

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# I am a Yankee Doodle boy! #

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# For it was Mary

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# Mary...

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# Plain as any name can be

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# But in propriety

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# Society, they say...

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# Marie...

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# For it was Mary...

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# Mary...

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# Long before the fashions came

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# But there is one thing there

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# That sounds so square

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# It's a grand old name

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# It was Mary...

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# Mary...

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# Plain as any name can be

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# But in propriety...

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# Society...

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# Will say Marie...

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# For it was Mary...

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# Mary...

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# Long before the fashions came

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# For there is one thing there

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# That sounds so square...

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# It's a grand old name! #

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# Up in the Bronx

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# Up in the Bronx

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# There lives the Nell Of all Nellies

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# Everyone's pal

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# Everyone's gal

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# Everyone swears She's a saint unawares

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# Every Saturday night

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# Night of delight

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# Everyone gathers at Kelly's

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# Nobody ever knows Out of all of her beaux

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# If she likes one particular guy...

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# It's the same old song they sing

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# I love you

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# The boys are all mad about Nellie

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# The daughter of officer Kelly

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# And it's all day long they bring

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# Flowers all dripping with dew

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# And they join in the chorus of Nellie Kelly

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# I love you. #

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# Give my regards to Broadway

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# Remember me to Herald Square

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# Tell all the folks on 42nd Street

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# That I will soon be there

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# Whisper of how I'm yearning

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# To mingle with that Old time throng

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# Give my regards to Old Broadway

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# And say that I'll be there, ere... Oh, hey! How, how...

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# Give my regards to Broadway

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# Remember me to Herald Square

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# Tell all the gang at 42nd Street

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# That I will soon be there

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# Whisper of how I'm yearning

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# To mingle with That old time throng

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# Give my regards to Old Broadway

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# And say that I'll be there, 'ere long! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:06:270:06:29

In a permutative... WHISTLING

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I should put some axle grease on that.

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Permutative propulsion

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of prodigiously precipitate

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projectiles...

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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..in parabolic trajectory.

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AUDIENCE AHS

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Juggling.

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Gil Dova!

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:09:240:09:27

APPLAUSE

0:09:530:09:54

APPLAUSE

0:10:210:10:23

APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

0:11:440:11:45

APPLAUSE

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Ineffably fragile,

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infelicitously...

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So sorry, madam.

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LAUGHTER

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It's the time of year.

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Deliquescent femininity.

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Welcome...

0:12:400:12:41

A very warm welcome

0:12:410:12:43

to Miss Jean Bayliss!

0:12:430:12:47

APPLAUSE

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# In this year of 1792

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# Our conventions have been thrown all askew

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# And I know I'm out of date

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# When I seek one mate

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# One faithful lover true

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# To be really in the fashion today

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# You must have a dozen beaux in your sway

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# But somehow I don't believe

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# In the modern plan

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# I want to wait for just one man

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# One kiss

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# One man

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# To save it for

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# One love for him alone

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# One word

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# One vow

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# And nothing more

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# To tell him

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# I'm his own

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# One magic night

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# Within his arms

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# With passion flowers unfurled

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# And all my life

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# I'll love only one man

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# And no other man in the world

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# One kiss

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# One man

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# To save it for

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# One love for him alone

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# One word

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# One vow

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# And nothing more

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# To tell him

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# I'm his own

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# One magic night

0:15:110:15:14

# Within his arms

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# With passion flowers unfurled

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# And all my life

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# I'll love only one man

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# And no other man

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# In the

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# World. #

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APPLAUSE

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A newcomer from the North...

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CROWD CHEERS

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..in a cachinnatory concatenation

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of compulsively idiosyncratic...

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CROWD CHEERS

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..inconsequentialities.

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Odd jokes.

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Mr Peter Wallis!

0:16:340:16:37

APPLAUSE

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Good evening, my friend.

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I don't know what that meant, but I know you meant well. Good evening.

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I've got the wife in the dressing room.

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Have you seen the dressing rooms here?

0:16:540:16:55

First time I've seen hunchback mice.

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I have never seen dressing rooms like it.

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You have to come out to change your mind.

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Small?

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I had a cough this afternoon, I took aspirins,

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chap next door but three went out and felt better.

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Ah, but going back to the wife,

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and I think I will one day - she's the best wife in England.

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She is the best wife in England.

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The other three are in Germany. You've never seen...

0:17:220:17:26

"What do you want for your breakfast?"

0:17:260:17:28

I said, "Two boiled eggs." "Oh, she said, "I'm too busy.

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"I'll boil you one." And do you know, when I think of those...

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During the courting days, I went to the butcher's shop.

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I said, "What's your tripe like?"

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"Pure as the girl you're going with."

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I said, "Give us two meat pies."

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She went down to the market on Saturday,

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6lbs of small onions.

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He said, "Are you pickling?"

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She says, "No, it's coming off my umbrella."

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Absolutely wonderful woman.

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You think I'm joking, you want to see her.

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She thinks Sheffield Wednesday's a week's holiday.

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Well, ladies and gentlemen, as you know, we are now...

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Or, recently, the government have issued forms

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for what they call income tax.

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Now, we don't know much about this yet.

0:18:190:18:22

It says you're going to have to pay 20% of your income,

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but, of course, it doesn't worry me because I won't make that much,

0:18:250:18:27

but there are some people...

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And you have to answer these questions.

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Your usual thing.

0:18:320:18:34

Full name?

0:18:340:18:35

Peter Edward Wallis.

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Hyphenated?

0:18:370:18:38

Yes, when I was seven.

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Born?

0:18:450:18:47

Yes.

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Where?

0:18:490:18:50

In Leeds.

0:18:500:18:51

What part?

0:18:510:18:52

All of me.

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Have you lived in Leeds all your life?

0:18:570:18:59

No, not yet.

0:18:590:19:00

APPLAUSE

0:19:030:19:05

Do you have sex relations?

0:19:090:19:11

Yes, but they never come to tea.

0:19:110:19:13

These are, admittedly, very difficult in the time.

0:19:130:19:16

And then they ask you questions about your loved ones,

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or, in some cases, your wives.

0:19:190:19:22

Anyway... Where was she born?

0:19:220:19:24

Loch Ness.

0:19:240:19:25

When is your wife's birthday?

0:19:290:19:30

Halloween. You know...

0:19:300:19:32

In actual fact, it is my wife's birthday today

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and I've bought her a mink outfit,

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a trap, a ferret and a gun.

0:19:380:19:40

APPLAUSE

0:19:440:19:45

Thank you very much indeed.

0:19:450:19:46

Where were you married?

0:19:500:19:51

Sunderland.

0:19:510:19:52

Do you know Bishop Auckland?

0:19:520:19:53

Yes, he married her.

0:19:530:19:55

Were all your children born in wedlock?

0:19:580:20:00

Except the eldest girl, she were born in Matlock.

0:20:000:20:03

Then they ask you questions about the war.

0:20:050:20:07

Have you got a war record?

0:20:070:20:08

Yes, it's Vera Lynn singing The White Cliffs of Dover.

0:20:080:20:11

General knowledge. These are all questions

0:20:130:20:15

which you've got to fill in before you pay your tax.

0:20:150:20:17

If you sent your wife out for a cabbage and she got knocked down,

0:20:170:20:20

what action would you take?

0:20:200:20:21

Open a tin of peas.

0:20:210:20:23

They couldn't be worse, of course.

0:20:250:20:27

What is a Zulu?

0:20:310:20:32

A toilet at Regent's Park.

0:20:320:20:34

They do ask you so many questions.

0:20:360:20:38

Do you know the Kirkstall Dogs Home?

0:20:420:20:44

I didn't even know it were missing.

0:20:440:20:46

Do you keep pets?

0:20:520:20:54

I have a cat.

0:20:540:20:55

Is it a tom?

0:20:550:20:56

No, I've brought it with me.

0:20:560:20:58

Ooh!

0:21:020:21:03

AUDIENCE OOHS

0:21:030:21:05

Have you ever had your eyes checked?

0:21:070:21:08

No, they've always been blue.

0:21:080:21:10

Oh!

0:21:150:21:16

If someone pinched your gate, would you report it?

0:21:210:21:23

No, because they might take offence.

0:21:230:21:25

You can get all these kind of things.

0:21:260:21:28

And don't forget, please send them in to us. We really do want them.

0:21:280:21:31

Well, ladies and men, I've got to dash off now.

0:21:310:21:33

I've another to show to do.

0:21:330:21:34

In April, I think it is.

0:21:340:21:36

I've had a wonderful night.

0:21:380:21:40

Not tonight, but I have had a wonderful night.

0:21:400:21:43

May I thank you so very, very much indeed for me having at your place.

0:21:430:21:46

God bless you. Have a good night and I'll see you in the spring

0:21:460:21:48

when the bed falls. God bless you all.

0:21:480:21:50

APPLAUSE

0:21:500:21:52

From Italy, an egregiously esoteric...

0:22:130:22:19

AUDIENCE OOHS ..equilibristic ensemble...

0:22:190:22:22

You know what equilibria means, madam.

0:22:220:22:25

I can see you keeping the balance there.

0:22:250:22:27

..of perilous intrepidity.

0:22:270:22:31

Los Aguanitos!

0:22:310:22:35

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:27:060:27:08

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:27:110:27:12

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:27:150:27:16

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:27:200:27:21

APPLAUSE

0:27:410:27:43

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:28:190:28:21

Once again and, this time, enthralling,

0:28:280:28:31

intestimonally,

0:28:310:28:34

intestamentally

0:28:340:28:36

thrillingly

0:28:360:28:38

Miss Jean Bayliss!

0:28:380:28:42

# I know a millionaire

0:28:550:28:59

# Who's burdened down with care

0:28:590:29:03

# A load is on his mind

0:29:030:29:08

# He's thinking of the day

0:29:100:29:14

# When he must pass away

0:29:140:29:18

# And leave his wealth behind

0:29:180:29:23

# I haven't any gold

0:29:250:29:29

# To leave when I grow old

0:29:290:29:34

# Somehow it's passed me by

0:29:340:29:39

# I'm very poor, but still

0:29:410:29:45

# I'll leave a precious will

0:29:450:29:50

# When I say goodbye

0:29:500:29:57

# I'll leave the sunshine

0:29:590:30:03

# To the flowers

0:30:030:30:05

# I'll leave the springtime

0:30:050:30:08

# To the trees

0:30:080:30:11

# And to the old folk

0:30:110:30:13

# I'll leave a memory

0:30:130:30:16

# Of a baby upon their knees

0:30:160:30:22

# I'll leave the night-time

0:30:220:30:25

# To the dreamers

0:30:250:30:28

# I'll leave the songbirds

0:30:280:30:31

# To the blind

0:30:310:30:35

# I'll leave the moon above

0:30:350:30:40

# To those in love

0:30:400:30:44

# When I leave the world

0:30:440:30:48

# Behind

0:30:480:30:51

# When I leave the world

0:30:510:30:56

# Behind... #

0:30:560:30:59

To every wrinkled face...

0:31:030:31:06

..I'll leave a fireplace...

0:31:070:31:10

..to paint their favourite scenes.

0:31:110:31:15

Within its golden rays...

0:31:170:31:21

..scenes of their childhood days

0:31:220:31:25

when they were...

0:31:250:31:27

..sweet 16.

0:31:280:31:31

I'll leave them...

0:31:310:31:34

I'll leave them each a song...

0:31:340:31:36

..to sing the whole day long...

0:31:370:31:40

..as towards the end...

0:31:410:31:43

..they plod.

0:31:450:31:46

And to every broken heart...

0:31:490:31:51

..with sorrow...

0:31:520:31:54

..torn apart...

0:31:550:31:56

# I'll leave the word

0:31:580:32:03

# Of God

0:32:030:32:11

# I'll leave the sunshine

0:32:110:32:15

# To the flowers

0:32:150:32:17

# I'll leave the springtime

0:32:170:32:20

# To the trees

0:32:200:32:23

# And to the old folks

0:32:230:32:26

# I'll leave the memory

0:32:260:32:29

# Of a baby upon their knees

0:32:290:32:34

# I'll leave the night-time

0:32:340:32:38

# To the dreamers

0:32:380:32:40

# I'll leave the songbirds

0:32:400:32:43

# To the blind

0:32:430:32:47

# I'll leave the moon above

0:32:470:32:51

# To those in love

0:32:510:32:55

# When I leave the world

0:32:550:32:58

# Behind

0:32:580:33:02

# When I leave the world

0:33:020:33:07

# Behind. #

0:33:070:33:12

APPLAUSE

0:33:120:33:15

Multifaceted in mimetic mountebankery,

0:33:360:33:42

your own -

0:33:420:33:44

your very own -

0:33:440:33:45

Roy Castle!

0:33:450:33:48

LAUGHTER

0:33:590:34:00

There was a young fella from Leeds...

0:34:030:34:05

..who swallowed a packet of seeds.

0:34:060:34:09

They started to sprout

0:34:090:34:11

through his nose and his mout'.

0:34:110:34:13

Now his face is covered in weeds.

0:34:160:34:18

I'll do you another one if you want it.

0:34:200:34:22

-Here! Here!

-What?

0:34:220:34:23

Give us a hand with this, will you?

0:34:230:34:25

Come on.

0:34:270:34:28

-That was a short act.

-Here!

0:34:280:34:30

-Give us a hand with this here.

-What?

0:34:310:34:33

-What do you want?

-Hand with this.

0:34:350:34:38

Where do you want it?

0:34:380:34:39

-Where do you want it?

-About there, I think.

0:34:390:34:42

-Is that it?

-Yep.

0:34:420:34:43

Now, hurry up because he's on next.

0:34:430:34:45

And don't touch it.

0:34:450:34:47

Don't touch it.

0:34:490:34:51

-Don't...

-Touch it.

0:34:530:34:55

I've learned that now.

0:34:570:34:58

AUDIENCE: Go on!

0:35:080:35:10

Don't touch it!

0:35:150:35:16

All right!

0:35:160:35:17

All right, then!

0:35:190:35:20

You know

0:35:240:35:25

and I know

0:35:250:35:27

I've got to see what's in there.

0:35:270:35:30

MUSIC: Gotta Dance

0:35:320:35:35

HE CHUCKLES

0:35:450:35:47

HE WHISTLES

0:35:470:35:49

Is this yours?

0:35:550:35:57

HE CHUCKLES

0:36:020:36:04

# Diggity-don. #

0:36:070:36:08

HE CHUCKLES

0:36:330:36:35

A a-wha get a-doo a-where-tis!

0:36:350:36:38

HE CHUCKLES

0:36:400:36:41

Throw tha-way! Ooh-plom!

0:36:430:36:46

Kin-wo wee-op this one!

0:36:460:36:48

HE CHUCKLES

0:36:590:37:00

HE CHUCKLES

0:37:220:37:23

AUDIENCE OOHS

0:37:290:37:31

HE CHUCKLES

0:37:320:37:34

Ooh!

0:37:340:37:35

Look at this!

0:37:350:37:36

Do-eet oop like dis!

0:37:360:37:38

Com-ere and go doo-dee-doo-dee doo-dee-doo!

0:37:380:37:41

Innit an-up goes whey!

0:37:410:37:43

And com-out dis! A-root-ee doo-dee doo-dee-doo!

0:37:450:37:48

An-it go ooh!

0:37:480:37:50

An-I walk-way and it go ow!

0:37:510:37:53

LAUGHTER

0:37:530:37:55

Whe-wha down't-pan. Best friend.

0:37:550:37:58

LAUGHTER

0:37:580:38:00

Look.

0:38:010:38:03

HE CHUCKLES

0:38:030:38:05

PIPE PLAYS

0:38:060:38:09

HE CHUCKLES

0:38:190:38:21

Whe-tha come I-don-wha tha-wa-sees!

0:38:210:38:23

LAUGHTER

0:38:230:38:24

PIPE PLAYS

0:38:240:38:26

LAUGHTER

0:38:290:38:31

HE CHUCKLES

0:38:370:38:38

Eh-heh!

0:38:400:38:41

LAUGHTER

0:38:410:38:43

Wahey, the-going a-ha-ha! Were-hey!

0:38:430:38:46

Es-gon-com dis-way?

0:38:460:38:48

-'Is?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:38:500:38:52

-'Is?

-AUDIENCE: No!

0:38:520:38:54

-'Is?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:38:540:38:56

-'Is?

-AUDIENCE: No!

0:38:560:38:59

Yes!

0:38:590:39:00

No!

0:39:000:39:01

Yes!

0:39:010:39:02

No! Yes!

0:39:020:39:03

No! Yes!

0:39:030:39:05

No!

0:39:050:39:06

HE LAUGHS

0:39:060:39:09

Iya! Wai-til I call-yer!

0:39:090:39:11

HE CHUCKLES

0:39:110:39:13

PIPE PLAYS

0:39:140:39:17

BANG!

0:39:260:39:27

Whadda wi-a bang!

0:39:290:39:30

-BANG!

-Ow!

0:39:300:39:32

Oh!

0:39:380:39:40

AUDIENCE OOHS

0:39:400:39:41

Ooh!

0:39:410:39:42

AUDIENCE OOHS

0:39:420:39:43

HE CHUCKLES

0:39:430:39:45

I'd-a blow-in-ere an-go doo-dee-doo-dee-doo!

0:39:450:39:47

I-go bang-a-bang-bang!

0:39:470:39:48

PLAYS SCALES

0:39:510:39:54

Wahey!

0:40:130:40:14

HE CHUCKLES

0:40:210:40:22

APPLAUSE

0:40:300:40:32

E-ya say tha...

0:40:420:40:43

MUSIC: I'll Be Seeing You

0:40:430:40:46

APPLAUSE

0:41:540:41:57

Wha-wha-wha! Bi-feet!

0:42:130:42:16

HE CHUCKLES

0:42:240:42:26

Look-a this!

0:42:260:42:27

Flobbidy!

0:42:270:42:28

I-go bi-feet now!

0:42:320:42:34

HE CHUCKLES

0:42:360:42:38

HE STOMPS

0:42:380:42:39

MUSIC: Gotta Dance

0:42:410:42:43

APPLAUSE

0:43:080:43:10

And now there's just time to ask Mr Roy Castle to lead

0:43:160:43:20

the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

0:43:200:43:23

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:43:230:43:25

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Roy Castle, the entire company,

0:43:250:43:28

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indispensable orchestra!

0:43:280:43:33

AUDIENCE CHEERS

0:43:330:43:35

And, this time, chiefly, yourselves!

0:43:350:43:40

# Come, come Come and make eyes at me

0:43:430:43:47

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:43:470:43:50

# Da-da-da-da-da

0:43:500:43:51

# Come, come Drink some port wine with me

0:43:510:43:55

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:43:550:43:58

# Here the little German band Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa

0:43:590:44:03

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:44:030:44:07

# Do, do Come and have a drink or two

0:44:070:44:10

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:44:100:44:14

# Bush-Bush! #

0:44:140:44:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:44:160:44:18

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