29/01/1976 The Good Old Days


29/01/1976

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme from Leeds. Guests include Danny La Rue, Dorothy Ross, Francis van Dyke and members of the Players Theatre, London.


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Transcript


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ALL: # In the shade of the old apple tree

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# When the love in your eyes I could see

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# When the voice that I heard, like the song of a bird

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# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me

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# I could hear the dull buzz of a bee

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# In the blossoms as you said to me

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# "With a heart that is true I'll be waiting for you

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# "In the shade of the old apple tree." #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Once again...

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good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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CHEERING

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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every other inch a woman...

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CHEERING

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..the one and only...

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Danny La Rue!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# There are nice girls everywhere

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# There are nice girls everywhere

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# From Peru to Timbuktu

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# There's a girl for me and a girl for you

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# From the mountains of Piccadilly

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# To the wilds of Leicester Square

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# Search every land Up the Mall and down the Strand

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# There are nice girls everywhere

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# There are nice girls everywhere. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# How'd you like to spoon with me?

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# How'd you like to spoon with me?

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# Underneath the oak tree large and shady

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# Calling me your tootsie-wootsie baby

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# How'd you like to hug and squeeze?

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# Dangle me upon your knees?

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# How'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?

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# How'd you like to spoon with me?

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# How'd you like to spoon with...? #

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Just try me, baby.

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# How'd you like to spoon with...? #

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Aren't they teases?

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# Sit beneath an oak tree large and shady

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# Calling me your tootsie-wootsie baby

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# How'd you like to hug and squeeze? Dangle me on your knees?

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# Dangle me upon your...

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ONE SINGER: # ..knee... # Whoops!

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# How'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?

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# How'd you like to spoon Underneath the moon?

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# How'd you like to spoon with me? #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# My sister Sue was always such a silly little loon

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# She never really understood the proper way to spoon

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# Her young man asked her recently to sit upon his knee

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# When she at last consented, she behaved so bashfully

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# Cos she'd never been there before She'd never been there before

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# She felt so shy till Mr Brown started to bounce her upside down

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# Then it was all serene It filled her with delight

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# She'd never been there before, but now she's going there every night! #

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# The Army and the Navy need attention

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# The outlook isn't healthy, you'll admit

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# But I've got a perfect dream Of a new recruiting scheme

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# Which I really think is absolutely neat

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# Now, if only other girls would do as I do

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# I believe that we could manage it alone

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# For I turn all suitors from me

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# Bar the sailor and the Tommy

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# I've an army and a navy of my own

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# On Sunday I go out with a soldier

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# On Monday I'm taken by a tar

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# On Tuesday I'm out with a baby Boy Scout

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# On Wednesday A hussar

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# On Thursday I gang out wi' a Scottie

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# On Friday The captain of the crew

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# But on Saturday, I'm willing, if you'll only take a shilling

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# To make a man of any one of you

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# I teach the tenderfoot to face the powder

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# That adds that added lustre to my skin

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# I show a raw recruit how to give a chaste salute

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# So when I'm presenting arms he's falling in

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# It makes you almost proud to be a woman

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# When you make a strapping soldier of a lad

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# And he said, "You made me do it Yes, you really put me through it

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# "Cos you went and made me love you, so I did..." #

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All together now!

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# On Sunday, I go out with a soldier

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# On Monday, I'm taken by a tar

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# On Tuesday, I'm out with a baby Boy Scout

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# On Wednesday, a hussar

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# On Thursday, I gang oot wi' a Scottie

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# On Friday, the captain of the crew

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# And on Saturday, I'm willing, it'll only take a shilling

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# To make a man of any one of you And you and you and you

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# To make a man of any one of you! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I promise you, ladies and gentlemen, you will have Danny La Rue

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once again later on in the programme, but now...

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all the way from...

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the Netherlands, ladies and gentlemen -

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invincible,

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invertiginously...

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AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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..violinistic... Ooh!

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..virtuosity,

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we give you Mr Francis van Dyke!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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DRUM BEATS OUT MILITARY TATTOO

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VIOLINS TOGETHER SOUND LIKE BAGPIPES

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AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

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MUSIC: Scotland The Brave

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SOUND OF BAGPIPES DEFLATING

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Thank you!

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Thank you!

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VIOLIN SOUNDS LIKE LAUGHTER

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GASSY NOISE Sorry.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you!

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From Calcutta... AUDIENCE: Ooh!

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..captivating in a crepuscular...

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cornucopia... Ooh!

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Two Latin words.

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..of kinetoscopic chiaroscuro!

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Ooh!

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A shadow show.

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For your ocular edification...

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Mr Bablu Mallick!

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APPLAUSE

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

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HE BURBLES

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HE IMITATES HORSES' HOOVES

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Left, right, left, right! About turn!

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Company, march! Hup, hup, hup.

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HE WHISTLES A TUNE

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Baaah!

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Ole!

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Ha...llo...

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Dolly!

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I love you!

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Allo, allo! Ca va?

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KISSING

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Ohhh!

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APPLAUSE

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KISSING

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Oh, la la!

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SNORING

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Goodnight.

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE

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A wave.

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GASPS AND APPLAUSE

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HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

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HE BARKS

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APPLAUSE

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Gorgeous from Guadeloupe

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in our global galaxy... Ooh!

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..glittering in iridescence...

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..cascading cadenzas...

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Ooh!

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..for your bedazzlement... Oh!

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..Miss Dorothy Ross!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Summertime

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# And the living is easy

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# Fish are jumping

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# And the cotton is high

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# Oh, your daddy's rich

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# And your ma is good-looking

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# So hush, little baby

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# Don't you cry

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# One of these mornings

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# You're gonna rise up singing

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# And you'll spread your wings

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# And you'll take to the sky

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# But till that morning

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# There is nothing can harm you

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# Cos your pappy and your momma standing by. #

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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# Nightingale

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# Oh, nightingale

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# Sweet are thy songs

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# Oh, nightingale

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# With a smile

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# The whole world sings

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# Well singeth thou

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# At break of day

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# Nightingale

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# Oh, nightingale

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# Well singeth thou

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# At break of day

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# Nightingale, nightingale

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# Oh, nightingale

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# Oh, so sweet

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# Nightingale

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# Oh, nightingale

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# Sing on forever, nightingale

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# Tell to him

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# My heart's deep love

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# Fly unto him

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# To him now go

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# Nightingale

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# Nightingale

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# Fly unto him

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# To him now go

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# Oh, nightingale

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# Nightingale. #

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Exhibiting esoteric vocal expertise...

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Ooh! ..in inimitably anthropomorphic...

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Oh!

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..evocation,

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Mr Dawson Chance!

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APPLAUSE

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That's lovely. Thank you, and a very, very good evening, everyone.

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ALL: Good evening! Lovely. Well, first of all,

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I'd like you to meet a little friend of mine here, Scruffy the tortoise.

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I must apologise because, as usual, he's fast asleep.

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Er, Scruffy, are you awake yet?

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SNORING

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See what I mean? Come on, Scruffy, wake up.

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SNORING

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Scruffy! LOUDER SNORING

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SCRUFFY!

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Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!

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APPLAUSE

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Scruffy! Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!

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Scruffy, that's very naughty. Now, come out here.

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Scruffy!

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Scruffy! Arrr?

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Look, if you don't come out... Arrr?

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..you know what I'll do to you, don't you?

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No.

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I'll tickle you.

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You won't tickle me. I will!

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You won't. Well, watch this, then.

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SCRUFFY LAUGHS

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APPLAUSE

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QUICK BAND FLOURISH

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This is...

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Big Al.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Big Al.

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CAMP VOICE: Ooh, I say!

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Well, go on, then, say hello to everyone.

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No!

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I don't like to.

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They're all looking at me.

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Well, they're the audience!

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Oh!

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And you'd better be good tonight.

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They might be a little hard to break down.

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Ooh, they look a broken-down lot already!

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You can't say things like that! Look, this is a very historic place.

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Is it? Yes! In fact, this theatre is so historic...

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..it's haunted.

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And way down there, beneath, in the dungeons...

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..there is a...

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ghost.

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I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

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There's a ghost way down there. Just you listen to this.

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One moment.

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I say! Is anyone down there?

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GHOSTLY, ECHOING VOICE

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BIG AL QUIVERS

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Just a moment. Yes? That's not really a ghost. It's you!

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Me? Yeah! It wasn't me. There's no ghost down there.

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There's no ghost there, is there?

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AUDIENCE: Yes!

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Oh. I didn't see his lips move.

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Look, there's a ghost.

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I tell you what, then, if you don't believe me,

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you say hello to the ghost. Me? Yes.

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All right, then. I'm not afraid of any silly ghost.

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BIG AL CLEARS HIS THROAT

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HELLO!

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There you are, you see? It's a load of cobbl... A load of nonsense.

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There's no ghost down there.

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GHOSTLY VOICE: Hello!

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GAAAAAAAAH!

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# There were two newlyweds

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# The bridegroom made the beds

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# They crept upstairs together

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# Feeling rather shy

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BIG AL SPLUTTERS

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# She took out her glass eye

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# Her false teeth on the sly

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# Ni-no-ni-no-ni-no!

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# Hung up her wig to dry

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# Upon the chandelier

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# She unscrewed her wooden leg!

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# Laid it beneath the bed

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# And what was left of her

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# Crept in-between the blankets

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BIG AL SQUEAKS # She said, "Come on, my dear"

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# He said, "No bloomin' fear

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# "I'd rather stay out here

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# "Among my souvenirs"! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Aphrodite... Ooh!

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Greek.

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..apotheotically rampant...

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Ooh!

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..concupiscent ambiguity incarnate!

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Oh! The one and only...

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Danny La Rue!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Oh, what a beauty

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# Never seen one as big as that before

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# Oh, what a beauty

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# It must be two-foot long or maybe more

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# It's such a lovely colour, nice and round and fat

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# I've never seen a marrow quite as big as that

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# Oh, what a beauty

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# Never seen one as big as that before

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# Down the road there lives a man I want you all to know

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# He grew a great big marrow for the local flower show

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# When the news got round of it, they came from far and wide

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# And when they saw the size of it, everybody cried...

0:33:100:33:16

# Oh, what a beauty

0:33:160:33:20

# Never seen one as big as that before

0:33:200:33:24

# Oh, what a beauty

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# It must be two-foot long or maybe more

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# It's such a lovely colour, nice and round and fat

0:33:300:33:34

# I've never seen a marrow quite as big as that

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# Whoa! Oh, what a beauty

0:33:370:33:41

# I've never seen one as big as that before

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# He was leaning on the garden gate the other day

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# Beckoned to a lady who lived just across the way

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# He took her down the garden path and showed it her with pride

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# When she saw the size of it... #

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LAUGHTER

0:33:590:34:01

# She looked at him and sighed

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# Oh, what a beauty!

0:34:050:34:09

# I've never seen one as big as that before

0:34:090:34:13

# Oh, what a beauty

0:34:130:34:16

# It must be two-foot long or maybe more

0:34:160:34:20

# It's such a lovely colour, nice and round and fat

0:34:200:34:24

# I've never seen a marrow quite as big as that

0:34:240:34:27

# Whoa! Oh, what a beauty

0:34:270:34:31

# I've never seen one as big as that before

0:34:310:34:35

# Never seen one as big as that before! #

0:34:350:34:41

CHEERING

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Now, you're all in a very good mood.

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I can see all the lovely ladies. I've got a very, very sad song now.

0:34:590:35:02

I want to warn you girls of the perils of drink.

0:35:020:35:06

Ah, it could happen to any one of you girls.

0:35:060:35:09

Ooh! Oh, I'll give you "Ooh!" Yes!

0:35:090:35:13

Now, you've got to watch all these fellas, girls.

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If they take you out and they say, "Would you like a nice gin and it?",

0:35:150:35:18

yes, they'll want the gin and you'll get it, dear, don't you worry.

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But I want to tell you a very sad story about a girl who'd never

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had a drop of drink till one night she had a glass of champagne and...

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Oh, well, get your handkerchiefs ready.

0:35:290:35:31

Maestro!

0:35:310:35:33

A long handkerchief. That would do.

0:35:350:35:37

# Here is a picture, a man and a girl

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# Strolling along in the shade

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# He's a marquis, the son of an earl

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# And she is a pure village maid

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# He tells her he loves her again and again

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# She thinks he is loyal and true

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# And then comes the night when he gives her champagne

0:36:090:36:14

# And does what he ought not to do

0:36:140:36:19

# Only a glass of champagne

0:36:210:36:26

# But it led that poor girl into sin

0:36:260:36:30

# Only a glass of champagne

0:36:310:36:36

# Twas the door where the devil crept in

0:36:360:36:40

# It's just an old story It's always the same

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# Just like the poor moth, she flew too near the flame

0:36:460:36:52

# She opened her...wings then lost her good name

0:36:520:36:57

# All for a glass of champagne... #

0:36:570:37:02

Here we go. See you in a minute.

0:37:040:37:07

Do you like the frock?

0:37:080:37:10

They're me own legs, y'know.

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# Think of her future, the sorrow, the shame

0:37:170:37:20

# Neither a maid nor a wife

0:37:200:37:23

# Think of the parents who gave her the name

0:37:230:37:27

# She has dishonoured for life

0:37:270:37:31

# What's to become of her, spurned and reviled

0:37:320:37:36

# Into oblivion hurled?

0:37:360:37:39

# And what can she offer her fatherless child

0:37:400:37:46

# She has brought into the world? #

0:37:460:37:50

DEEP VOICE: All together!

0:37:500:37:52

# Only a glass of champagne

0:37:520:37:58

# But it led a poor girl into sin

0:37:580:38:01

# Only a glass of champagne

0:38:030:38:07

# Twas the door where the devil crept in

0:38:070:38:12

# She lost her honour with heartache and pain

0:38:130:38:18

# To her false lover she pleaded in vain

0:38:180:38:23

# But by the next morning, she'd lost it again

0:38:230:38:29

# All for a glass of champagne

0:38:290:38:32

# So, all you young ladies, take warning from her

0:38:330:38:38

# If you're taken out by a lord or a sir

0:38:380:38:43

# Be careful you don't do the same thing as her

0:38:430:38:49

# Well, not for a glass of champagne! #

0:38:490:38:56

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:560:38:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:39:110:39:13

# Only a glass of champagne

0:39:150:39:19

# But it led a poor girl into sin

0:39:190:39:24

# Only a glass of champagne

0:39:250:39:29

# Twas the door where the devil crept in

0:39:290:39:33

# It's just an old story It's always the same

0:39:340:39:39

# Just like a poor moth, she flew too near the flame

0:39:390:39:44

# She opened her wings and she lost her good name

0:39:440:39:49

# All for a glass of champagne

0:39:490:39:54

# So, all you young ladies, take warning from her

0:39:540:39:59

# If you're taken out by a lord or a sir

0:39:590:40:04

# Be careful you don't do the same thing as her

0:40:040:40:10

# Well, not for a glass of champagne! #

0:40:100:40:18

CHEERING

0:40:180:40:21

# I know a millionaire Who is burdened down with care

0:40:290:40:34

# A load is on his mind

0:40:340:40:38

# He's thinking of the day When he must pass away

0:40:390:40:45

# And leave his wealth behind

0:40:450:40:49

# I haven't any gold To leave when I grow old

0:40:500:40:56

# Somehow it passed me by

0:40:560:40:59

# I'm very poor, but still I leave a precious will

0:41:010:41:06

# When I leave the world behind

0:41:060:41:12

# I leave the sunshine to the flowers

0:41:120:41:19

# I leave the springtime to the trees

0:41:190:41:24

# And to the old folk I leave a memory

0:41:240:41:29

# Of a baby upon their knees

0:41:290:41:35

# I leave the night-time to the dreamers

0:41:350:41:40

# The songbirds to the blind

0:41:400:41:45

# I leave the moon above to those in love

0:41:450:41:52

# When I leave the world behind

0:41:520:41:57

# When I leave the world behind

0:41:570:42:03

# I leave the sunshine to the flowers

0:42:030:42:08

# I leave the springtime to the trees

0:42:080:42:13

# And to the old folk I leave a memory

0:42:130:42:19

# Of a baby upon their knees

0:42:190:42:24

# I leave the night-time to the dreamers

0:42:240:42:30

# The songbirds to the blind

0:42:300:42:35

# I leave the moon above to those in love

0:42:350:42:41

# When I leave the world behind

0:42:410:42:47

# When I leave the world behind. #

0:42:470:42:58

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:580:43:00

CHEERING

0:43:150:43:17

There's only just time, ladies and gentlemen, for the final chorus,

0:43:240:43:27

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:43:270:43:29

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Danny La Rue, the entire company,

0:43:290:43:32

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and almost indefatigable orchestra...

0:43:320:43:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:370:43:39

..but this time, chiefly...

0:43:390:43:41

ALL: Yourselves!

0:43:410:43:44

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:43:480:43:52

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

0:43:520:43:54

# Da-da da-da-da!

0:43:540:43:56

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:43:560:44:00

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

0:44:000:44:04

# Hear the little German band Da, da-da da-da-da-da!

0:44:040:44:08

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:44:080:44:12

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

0:44:120:44:16

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

0:44:160:44:19

# Bush, Bush! #

0:44:190:44:21

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:44:210:44:23

Leonard Sachs presents an edition of the old-time music hall programme, first broadcast on 29 January 1976. With guests Danny La Rue, Dorothy Ross, Francis van Dyke and members of the Players Theatre, London.


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