29/01/1976 The Good Old Days

ALL: # In the shade of the old apple tree

# When the love in your eyes I could see

# When the voice that I heard, like the song of a bird

# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me

# I could hear the dull buzz of a bee

# In the blossoms as you said to me

# "With a heart that is true I'll be waiting for you

# "In the shade of the old apple tree." #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again...

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

Ladies and gentlemen,

every other inch a woman...

CHEERING

..the one and only...

Danny La Rue!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# There are nice girls everywhere

# There are nice girls everywhere

# From Peru to Timbuktu

# There's a girl for me and a girl for you

# From the mountains of Piccadilly

# To the wilds of Leicester Square

# Search every land Up the Mall and down the Strand

# There are nice girls everywhere

# There are nice girls everywhere. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

# Underneath the oak tree large and shady

# Calling me your tootsie-wootsie baby

# How'd you like to hug and squeeze?

# Dangle me upon your knees?

# How'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

# How'd you like to spoon with...? #

Just try me, baby.

# How'd you like to spoon with...? #

Aren't they teases?

# Sit beneath an oak tree large and shady

# Calling me your tootsie-wootsie baby

# How'd you like to hug and squeeze? Dangle me on your knees?

# Dangle me upon your...

ONE SINGER: # ..knee... # Whoops!

# How'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?

# How'd you like to spoon Underneath the moon?

# How'd you like to spoon with me? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# My sister Sue was always such a silly little loon

# She never really understood the proper way to spoon

# Her young man asked her recently to sit upon his knee

# When she at last consented, she behaved so bashfully

# Cos she'd never been there before She'd never been there before

# She felt so shy till Mr Brown started to bounce her upside down

# Then it was all serene It filled her with delight

# She'd never been there before, but now she's going there every night! #

# The Army and the Navy need attention

# The outlook isn't healthy, you'll admit

# But I've got a perfect dream Of a new recruiting scheme

# Which I really think is absolutely neat

# Now, if only other girls would do as I do

# I believe that we could manage it alone

# For I turn all suitors from me

# Bar the sailor and the Tommy

# I've an army and a navy of my own

# On Sunday I go out with a soldier

# On Monday I'm taken by a tar

# On Tuesday I'm out with a baby Boy Scout

# On Wednesday A hussar

# On Thursday I gang out wi' a Scottie

# On Friday The captain of the crew

# But on Saturday, I'm willing, if you'll only take a shilling

# To make a man of any one of you

# I teach the tenderfoot to face the powder

# That adds that added lustre to my skin

# I show a raw recruit how to give a chaste salute

# So when I'm presenting arms he's falling in

# It makes you almost proud to be a woman

# When you make a strapping soldier of a lad

# And he said, "You made me do it Yes, you really put me through it

# "Cos you went and made me love you, so I did..." #

All together now!

# On Sunday, I go out with a soldier

# On Monday, I'm taken by a tar

# On Tuesday, I'm out with a baby Boy Scout

# On Wednesday, a hussar

# On Thursday, I gang oot wi' a Scottie

# On Friday, the captain of the crew

# And on Saturday, I'm willing, it'll only take a shilling

# To make a man of any one of you And you and you and you

# To make a man of any one of you! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I promise you, ladies and gentlemen, you will have Danny La Rue

once again later on in the programme, but now...

all the way from...

the Netherlands, ladies and gentlemen -

invincible,

invertiginously...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

..violinistic... Ooh!

..virtuosity,

we give you Mr Francis van Dyke!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DRUM BEATS OUT MILITARY TATTOO

VIOLINS TOGETHER SOUND LIKE BAGPIPES

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

MUSIC: Scotland The Brave

SOUND OF BAGPIPES DEFLATING

Thank you!

Thank you!

VIOLIN SOUNDS LIKE LAUGHTER

GASSY NOISE Sorry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

From Calcutta... AUDIENCE: Ooh!

..captivating in a crepuscular...

cornucopia... Ooh!

Two Latin words.

..of kinetoscopic chiaroscuro!

Ooh!

A shadow show.

For your ocular edification...

Mr Bablu Mallick!

APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

HE BURBLES

HE IMITATES HORSES' HOOVES

Left, right, left, right! About turn!

Company, march! Hup, hup, hup.

HE WHISTLES A TUNE

Baaah!

Ole!

Ha...llo...

Dolly!

I love you!

Allo, allo! Ca va?

KISSING

Ohhh!

APPLAUSE

KISSING

Oh, la la!

SNORING

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

A wave.

GASPS AND APPLAUSE

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

HE BARKS

APPLAUSE

Gorgeous from Guadeloupe

in our global galaxy... Ooh!

..glittering in iridescence...

..cascading cadenzas...

Ooh!

..for your bedazzlement... Oh!

..Miss Dorothy Ross!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Summertime

# And the living is easy

# Fish are jumping

# And the cotton is high

# Oh, your daddy's rich

# And your ma is good-looking

# So hush, little baby

# Don't you cry

# One of these mornings

# You're gonna rise up singing

# And you'll spread your wings

# And you'll take to the sky

# But till that morning

# There is nothing can harm you

# Cos your pappy and your momma standing by. #

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

# Nightingale

# Oh, nightingale

# Sweet are thy songs

# Oh, nightingale

# With a smile

# The whole world sings

# Well singeth thou

# At break of day

# Nightingale

# Oh, nightingale

# Well singeth thou

# At break of day

# Nightingale, nightingale

# Oh, nightingale

# Oh, so sweet

# Nightingale

# Oh, nightingale

# Sing on forever, nightingale

# Tell to him

# My heart's deep love

# Fly unto him

# To him now go

# Nightingale

# Nightingale

# Fly unto him

# To him now go

# Oh, nightingale

# Nightingale. #

Exhibiting esoteric vocal expertise...

Ooh! ..in inimitably anthropomorphic...

Oh!

..evocation,

Mr Dawson Chance!

APPLAUSE

That's lovely. Thank you, and a very, very good evening, everyone.

ALL: Good evening! Lovely. Well, first of all,

I'd like you to meet a little friend of mine here, Scruffy the tortoise.

I must apologise because, as usual, he's fast asleep.

Er, Scruffy, are you awake yet?

SNORING

See what I mean? Come on, Scruffy, wake up.

SNORING

Scruffy! LOUDER SNORING

SCRUFFY!

Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!

APPLAUSE

Scruffy! Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!

Scruffy, that's very naughty. Now, come out here.

Scruffy!

Scruffy! Arrr?

Look, if you don't come out... Arrr?

..you know what I'll do to you, don't you?

No.

I'll tickle you.

You won't tickle me. I will!

You won't. Well, watch this, then.

SCRUFFY LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

QUICK BAND FLOURISH

This is...

Big Al.

Ladies and gentlemen, Big Al.

CAMP VOICE: Ooh, I say!

Well, go on, then, say hello to everyone.

No!

I don't like to.

They're all looking at me.

Well, they're the audience!

Oh!

And you'd better be good tonight.

They might be a little hard to break down.

Ooh, they look a broken-down lot already!

You can't say things like that! Look, this is a very historic place.

Is it? Yes! In fact, this theatre is so historic...

..it's haunted.

And way down there, beneath, in the dungeons...

..there is a...

ghost.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

There's a ghost way down there. Just you listen to this.

One moment.

I say! Is anyone down there?

GHOSTLY, ECHOING VOICE

BIG AL QUIVERS

Just a moment. Yes? That's not really a ghost. It's you!

Me? Yeah! It wasn't me. There's no ghost down there.

There's no ghost there, is there?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Oh. I didn't see his lips move.

Look, there's a ghost.

I tell you what, then, if you don't believe me,

you say hello to the ghost. Me? Yes.

All right, then. I'm not afraid of any silly ghost.

BIG AL CLEARS HIS THROAT

HELLO!

There you are, you see? It's a load of cobbl... A load of nonsense.

There's no ghost down there.

GHOSTLY VOICE: Hello!

GAAAAAAAAH!

# There were two newlyweds

# The bridegroom made the beds

# They crept upstairs together

# Feeling rather shy

BIG AL SPLUTTERS

# She took out her glass eye

# Her false teeth on the sly

# Ni-no-ni-no-ni-no!

# Hung up her wig to dry

# Upon the chandelier

# She unscrewed her wooden leg!

# Laid it beneath the bed

# And what was left of her

# Crept in-between the blankets

BIG AL SQUEAKS # She said, "Come on, my dear"

# He said, "No bloomin' fear

# "I'd rather stay out here

# "Among my souvenirs"! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Aphrodite... Ooh!

Greek.

..apotheotically rampant...

Ooh!

..concupiscent ambiguity incarnate!

Oh! The one and only...

Danny La Rue!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Oh, what a beauty

# Never seen one as big as that before

# Oh, what a beauty

# It must be two-foot long or maybe more

# It's such a lovely colour, nice and round and fat

# I've never seen a marrow quite as big as that

# Oh, what a beauty

# Never seen one as big as that before

# Down the road there lives a man I want you all to know

# He grew a great big marrow for the local flower show

# When the news got round of it, they came from far and wide

# And when they saw the size of it, everybody cried...

# Oh, what a beauty

# Never seen one as big as that before

# Oh, what a beauty

# It must be two-foot long or maybe more

# It's such a lovely colour, nice and round and fat

# I've never seen a marrow quite as big as that

# Whoa! Oh, what a beauty

# I've never seen one as big as that before

# He was leaning on the garden gate the other day

# Beckoned to a lady who lived just across the way

# He took her down the garden path and showed it her with pride

# When she saw the size of it... #

LAUGHTER

# She looked at him and sighed

# Oh, what a beauty!

# I've never seen one as big as that before

# Oh, what a beauty

# It must be two-foot long or maybe more

# It's such a lovely colour, nice and round and fat

# I've never seen a marrow quite as big as that

# Whoa! Oh, what a beauty

# I've never seen one as big as that before

# Never seen one as big as that before! #

CHEERING

Now, you're all in a very good mood.

I can see all the lovely ladies. I've got a very, very sad song now.

I want to warn you girls of the perils of drink.

Ah, it could happen to any one of you girls.

Ooh! Oh, I'll give you "Ooh!" Yes!

Now, you've got to watch all these fellas, girls.

If they take you out and they say, "Would you like a nice gin and it?",

yes, they'll want the gin and you'll get it, dear, don't you worry.

But I want to tell you a very sad story about a girl who'd never

had a drop of drink till one night she had a glass of champagne and...

Oh, well, get your handkerchiefs ready.

Maestro!

A long handkerchief. That would do.

# Here is a picture, a man and a girl

# Strolling along in the shade

# He's a marquis, the son of an earl

# And she is a pure village maid

# He tells her he loves her again and again

# She thinks he is loyal and true

# And then comes the night when he gives her champagne

# And does what he ought not to do

# Only a glass of champagne

# But it led that poor girl into sin

# Only a glass of champagne

# Twas the door where the devil crept in

# It's just an old story It's always the same

# Just like the poor moth, she flew too near the flame

# She opened her...wings then lost her good name

# All for a glass of champagne... #

Here we go. See you in a minute.

Do you like the frock?

They're me own legs, y'know.

# Think of her future, the sorrow, the shame

# Neither a maid nor a wife

# Think of the parents who gave her the name

# She has dishonoured for life

# What's to become of her, spurned and reviled

# Into oblivion hurled?

# And what can she offer her fatherless child

# She has brought into the world? #

DEEP VOICE: All together!

# Only a glass of champagne

# But it led a poor girl into sin

# Only a glass of champagne

# Twas the door where the devil crept in

# She lost her honour with heartache and pain

# To her false lover she pleaded in vain

# But by the next morning, she'd lost it again

# All for a glass of champagne

# So, all you young ladies, take warning from her

# If you're taken out by a lord or a sir

# Be careful you don't do the same thing as her

# Well, not for a glass of champagne! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Only a glass of champagne

# But it led a poor girl into sin

# Only a glass of champagne

# Twas the door where the devil crept in

# It's just an old story It's always the same

# Just like a poor moth, she flew too near the flame

# She opened her wings and she lost her good name

# All for a glass of champagne

# So, all you young ladies, take warning from her

# If you're taken out by a lord or a sir

# Be careful you don't do the same thing as her

# Well, not for a glass of champagne! #

CHEERING

# I know a millionaire Who is burdened down with care

# A load is on his mind

# He's thinking of the day When he must pass away

# And leave his wealth behind

# I haven't any gold To leave when I grow old

# Somehow it passed me by

# I'm very poor, but still I leave a precious will

# When I leave the world behind

# I leave the sunshine to the flowers

# I leave the springtime to the trees

# And to the old folk I leave a memory

# Of a baby upon their knees

# I leave the night-time to the dreamers

# The songbirds to the blind

# I leave the moon above to those in love

# When I leave the world behind

# When I leave the world behind

# I leave the sunshine to the flowers

# I leave the springtime to the trees

# And to the old folk I leave a memory

# Of a baby upon their knees

# I leave the night-time to the dreamers

# The songbirds to the blind

# I leave the moon above to those in love

# When I leave the world behind

# When I leave the world behind. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

There's only just time, ladies and gentlemen, for the final chorus,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Danny La Rue, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and almost indefatigable orchestra...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..but this time, chiefly...

ALL: Yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da-da da-da-da!

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band Da, da-da da-da-da-da!

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE