24/12/1983 The Good Old Days


24/12/1983

A celebration of music hall favourites from the City Varieties Theatre, Leeds. Chairman Leonard Sachs introduces a host of special guests in a 1983 Christmas special.


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Transcript


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# Let nothing you dismay

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# Remember Christ our Saviour was born on Christmas Day

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# To save us all from Satan's power When we were gone astray

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# O tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy

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# O tidings of comfort and joy. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Goodbye, summer So long, fall

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# Hello, wintertime

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# Let's take a moonlight sleigh ride Come along

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# Hear the sleigh bells jingle and chime

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# Every Joe and Jessie is comfy and cosy

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# Their hearts are melting

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# And so it's goodbye, summer So long, fall

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# Hello wintertime

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# Winter, winter

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# When the snow is softly falling

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# That's the time to squeeze When it starts to freeze

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# In October and November And December, just remember

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# Winter, winter

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# When your sweetheart comes a calling

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# By the fireside so bright You'll sit and tease her

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# That's the time to squeeze her When it's winter... #

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# ..So give me a little cosy corner

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# And an armchair for two

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# Somewhere with somebody there

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# Anywhere will do

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# Give me an evening in the twilight

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# With the pale moon above

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# And I'll find a cosy little corner

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# In the heart of the one I love

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# Just give me a little cosy corner

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# And an armchair for two

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# Somewhere with somebody there

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# Anywhere will do

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# Give me an evening in the twilight

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# With the pale moon above

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# And I'll find a cosy little corner

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# In the heart of the one I love

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# Oh, I must go home tonight I must go home tonight

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# I don't care if it's snowing Blowing, I'm going

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# I only got married this morning And it fills me with delight

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# I'll stay out as long as you like

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# But I must go home tonight

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# Yes, I must go home tonight. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Once again,

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good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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-ALL:

-Good evening!

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The phantasmagorically...

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-ALL:

-Ooh!

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..the androgynous apogee, the apotheosis of the epicene,

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emulating Miss Marie Lloyd, we give you Mr Danny La Rue!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Since Mother Eve in the garden long ago

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# Started a fashion

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# Fashion's been a passion

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# She wore a fig leaf You might describe as brief

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# Now every season brings a change of leaf... #

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LAUGHTER

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# ..She'd smile if she would come to town

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# What would Mother Eve think of my new Parisian gown?

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# When I take my morning promenade

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# Quite a fashion card on the promenade

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# Oh, I don't mind my nice boys staring hard

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# If it satisfies their desire

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# Oh, do you like my...mm! Just a little bit?

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# Just a little bit Not too much of it

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# And when I show my legs just a little bit

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# That's the little bit the boys admire

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# I show my legs just a little bit... #

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All together! # ..That's the little bit

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# The boys admire. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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There we are!

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How are we all, all right?

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-ALL:

-Yes.

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Now, it wouldn't be Marie Lloyd without the favourite song of all,

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Don't Dilly Dally On The Way, and big breasts. Big BREATHS!

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-LAUGHTER

-Thank you, Maestro.

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# My old man said foller the van

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# And don't dilly dally on the way

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# Off went the van wiv me 'ome packed in it

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# I followed on wiv me old cock linnet

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# And I dillied and dallied Dallied and I dillied

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# Lost me way and I don't know where to roam

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# Oh, you can't trust a special like the old-time coppers

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# When you can't find your way home... #

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All together now!

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# My old man said foller the van

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# And don't dilly-dally on the way

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# Off went the van with me 'ome packed in it

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# I followed on with me old cock linnet

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# I dillied, I dallied Dallied and I dillied

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# Lost me way and don't know where to roam

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# Oh, you can't trust a special like the old-time coppers

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# When you can't find your way home. #

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-Your way home! There!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And now a seasonal serenade

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from that rapscallion rhapsodist

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Mr Bernard Cribbins!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Good evening.

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

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Good evening, good evening. Good heavens!

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What a lovely lot, Mr Chairman.

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If I may take a leaf out of your book, Mr Chairman, and say that

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never have I seen such a fine, fabulous,

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-fantastic farrago of fashion.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Such fine feathers, farthingales and furbelows.

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Verily, VERILY,

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verily...

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the ultimate in fine flighty,

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flipperty-flopperty, fun-filled festive frolickers!

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CHEERING

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Yes, thank you.

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-Is it all right if I say that?

-No.

-Oh, there you are, then.

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-I should give them a little ditty, Mr Chairman.

-Good.

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That's full of pith and moment. Yes, it's about Christmas, you see.

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LAUGHTER

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-Yes, you can get out for a start.

-LAUGHTER

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Thank you, Mr Herrmann, thank you.

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# Now young Jimmy Greene was a shy young man

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# He was as shy as could be

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# He wanted to marry his sweetheart May

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# He just couldn't think of the right words to say

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# Till one night while owning her near

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# He whispered these words in her ear

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# Who's stuffing your turkey this Christmas?

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# Oh, darling, I like to know now

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# Who's going to give you a Christmas kiss

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# Under the mistletoe bough?

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# And who will be getting a present

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# From under your very own tree?

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# Who's stuffing your turkey this Christmas?

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# Darling, please let it be me... #

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# Now, if you're a bit on the lonely side,

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# Whether a man or a miss

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# And you take quite a fancy to someone who

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# Appears unattached and as lonely as you

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# Go up to the one of your choice

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# And say in a nice quiet voice... # Altogether now, come on.

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# ..Who's stuffing your turkey this Christmas?

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# Darling, I'd like to know now

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# Who's going to give you a Christmas kiss

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# Under your mistletoe bough? #

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Who'll be getting the present... # Who will be getting the present

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# From under your very own tree?

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# Who's stuffing your turkey this Christmas?

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# Darling, please let it be me. #

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Right, I'll tell you what,

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since it's the festive season, the season of peace

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on Earth and good to all women,

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what I'd like, everybody stand up. Just stand up, come on.

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Everybody up. Come on, on your feet. On your feet.

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Now turn to the person next to you, hold their hands

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and sing into their faces the final chorus.

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Right, thank you.

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# Who's stuffing your turkey this Christmas? # Come on!

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# Darling, I'd like to know now

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# Who's going to give you a Christmas kiss

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# Under the mistletoe bough? # Who'll be getting the present.

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# Who will be getting the present

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# From under your very own tree? # All together!

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# Who's stuffing your turkey this Christmas?

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# Darling, please let it be me. #

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Thank you!

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-Thank you very much.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I wish you could've seen... LAUGHTER

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-Pedal pyrotechnics... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..dancing -

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in frenetic terpsichorean...

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..fusillade of simultaneities...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..from the Clark Brothers! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Also from the United States of America,

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miraculously mellifluous in magisterial minstrelsy,

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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Mr Robert White!

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APPLAUSE

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# I wander today to the hill, Maggie

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# To watch the scene below

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# The creek and the creaking old mill, Maggie

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# As we used to, long ago

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# The green growth is gone from the hill, Maggie

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# Where first the daisies sprung

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# That creaking old mill is still, Maggie

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# Since you and I were young

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# They say that I am feeble with age, Maggie

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# My steps are less sprightly than then

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# My face is a well-written page, Maggie

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# But time all along was the pen

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# They say we are aged and grey, Maggie

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# As spray by the white breakers flung

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# But to me, you're as fair as you were, Maggie

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# When you and I were young

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# And now we are aged and grey, Maggie

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# The trials of life, nearly done

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# Let us sing of the days that are gone, Maggie

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# When you and I were young. #

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# Lonely I wander through scenes of my childhood

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# They call back to memory those happy days of yore

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# Gone are the old folk, the house stands deserted

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# No light in the window, no welcome at the door

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# Here's where the children played games on the heather

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# Here's where they sailed their wee boats on the burn

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# Where are they now?

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# Some are dead, some have wandered

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# No more to their homes shall those children return

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# Lonely is the house now, and lonely the moorland

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# The children are scattered, the old folk are gone

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# Why stand I here, like a ghost and a shadow?

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# 'Tis time I were moving, 'tis time I passed on. #

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Orchidaceous audacity!

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CHEERING

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Transvestite tit...

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CATCALLS

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Titillation!

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CHEERING

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Every other inch, a woman!

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Mr Danny La Rue!

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CHEERING

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Now, girls...

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..seeing that it's a festive occasion, drink is available.

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Watch him, dear, he's got a nasty look in his eye.

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So, I'm going to tell you a very sad story. Have the kerchiefs ready.

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It'll bring a tear to all your eyes. The horrors of drink.

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-Are you ready, Maestro? Thank you.

-PIANO FLOURISH

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# Here is a picture, a man and a girl

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# Strolling along in the shade

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# He is a marquess, the son of an earl

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# And she, but a pure village maid

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# He tells her he loves her again and again

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# She thinks he is loyal and true

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# And then comes the night when he gave her champagne

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# And does what he ought not to do

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# Only a glass of champagne

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# But it led that poor girl into sin

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# Only a glass of champagne

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# 'Twas the door where the Devil crept in

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# It's just an old story

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# It's always the same

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# Just like a poor moth

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# She flew too near the flame

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# She opened her...wings

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# And lost her good name

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# All for a glass of champagne... #

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LAUGHTER

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# Think of her future

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# The sorrow, the shame

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# Neither a maid nor a wife

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# Think of those parents who gave her the name

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# She has dishonoured for life

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# What's to become of her, spurned and reviled

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# Into oblivion hurled?

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# And what can she offer her fatherless child? #

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Poor little...

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# She has brought into the world? #

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-LOW-PITCHED:

-Altogether now.

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# Only a glass of champagne

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# But it led a poor girl into sin

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# Only a glass of champagne

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# 'Twas the door where the Devil crept in

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# She lost her honour with heartache and pain

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# To her false lover, she pleaded in vain

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# But by the next morning, she'd lost it again! #

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LAUGHTER

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# All for a glass of champagne

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# So, all you young maidens take warning from her

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# If you're taken out by a lord or a sir

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# Be careful you don't do the same thing as her

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# Well, not for a glass of champagne! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO

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AUDIENCE WHOOPS

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ALL: Woo!

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AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME TO MUSIC

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CLAPPING REDUCES

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# Down the road there lives a man I'd like you all to know

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# He grew a great big marrow for the local flower show

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# When the news got round of it, they came from far and wide

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# But when then saw the size of it

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# Everybody cried

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# Oooh, what a beauty

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# I've never seen one as big as that before

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# Oh, what a beauty

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# It must be two foot long or maybe more

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# It's such a lovely colour

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# Nice and round and fat

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# I've never seen a marrow quite as big as that

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# Oh, what a beauty,

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# I've never seen one as big as that before

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# Now, he was leaning on his garden gate the other day

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# And beckoned to a lady who lived across the way

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# He took her down the garden path and showed it to her with pride

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# When she saw the size of it... #

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LAUGHTER

0:26:460:26:48

# Everybody cried

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# Oooh, what a beauty

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# I've never seen one as big as that before

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# Oh, what a beauty

0:27:040:27:08

# It must be two foot long or maybe more

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# And it's such a lovely colour

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# Nice and round and fat

0:27:130:27:15

# Never seen a marrow quite as big as that

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# Oh, what a beauty

0:27:190:27:22

# I've never seen one as big as that before

0:27:220:27:25

# Oh, what a marrow!

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# I've never seen one as big as that before. #

0:27:260:27:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:330:27:36

SONG REPRISE

0:27:360:27:39

MUSIC CRESCENDOS

0:27:450:27:48

From Paris...

0:27:500:27:52

WHOOPING

0:27:520:27:54

No.

0:27:540:27:56

LAUGHTER

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-We've had enough of that. ALL:

-Aww.

0:27:570:27:59

Enthrallingly...

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..thaumaturgic

0:28:020:28:04

for your AMAZEMENT -

0:28:040:28:06

Mr Gaetan Bloom!

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CHEERING

0:28:100:28:12

HIGH-PITCHED: Hello!

0:28:200:28:22

Lovely! Ohh...

0:28:220:28:24

-It's for me? ALL:

-Yes.

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Thank you so much.

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I love that.

0:28:280:28:30

Except I can't put this on the table now.

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HE MURMURS

0:28:330:28:35

Oh, "From Barney to Gaetan". Thank you, Barney.

0:28:350:28:39

It's lovely.

0:28:390:28:40

HE SNIFFS

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Achoo!

0:28:420:28:43

LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

0:28:450:28:47

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

0:28:530:28:56

the quickest trick in the world,

0:28:560:28:59

The Vanishing Shoe!

0:28:590:29:02

HE GRUNTS

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Three!

0:29:060:29:07

ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP

0:29:100:29:11

APPLAUSE

0:29:110:29:14

Well, for the next trick,

0:29:250:29:27

I need the assistance from someone from the audience.

0:29:270:29:31

So, if there is...

0:29:310:29:32

Oh, I see just in the front row, a wonderful young lady.

0:29:320:29:36

Can you assist me, please?

0:29:360:29:38

Yes! Yes, you!

0:29:380:29:40

Yeah, you give her... Nice and... APPLAUSE

0:29:400:29:43

CHEERING

0:29:430:29:47

-Hi there, have you ever done magic before?

-Never!

0:29:510:29:54

-First experience?

-Yes.

-Wonderful! I like that!

0:29:540:29:58

Stay there.

0:29:580:30:00

Now, I need some paraphernalia.

0:30:000:30:02

Here is the paraphernalia.

0:30:040:30:05

Wow! Doing-doing!

0:30:070:30:09

First, you have an eggcup.

0:30:090:30:11

You can examine, have a look.

0:30:110:30:14

Yes.

0:30:140:30:15

-Good.

-Eggcup.

-Eggcup, yes.

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Here you have a few balls in a glass. You can examine.

0:30:170:30:20

I don't mind.

0:30:200:30:22

-You can shuffle them.

-Yes.

0:30:220:30:24

Good, now... OK.

0:30:240:30:27

Now, you choose one colour.

0:30:270:30:29

Any one.

0:30:290:30:30

Which one?

0:30:300:30:32

-Can I tell you?

-Yes!

-Pink.

0:30:320:30:34

You are...? Oh, the ball! OK, OK.

0:30:340:30:37

You take it off.

0:30:370:30:39

And now here you have a tray.

0:30:390:30:41

You can examine. Not too much, OK, like that.

0:30:410:30:43

LAUGHTER

0:30:430:30:45

OK, OK, no. I, er...

0:30:450:30:46

You have not taken the ball away from the glass!

0:30:460:30:49

You have to take them away.

0:30:490:30:50

Yeah, all of them.

0:30:500:30:52

Take them all. All of them...!

0:30:520:30:54

There's still one.

0:30:560:30:58

HE BURBLES

0:30:580:30:59

OK.

0:30:590:31:00

Now, watch carefully. I cover the eggcup, there.

0:31:000:31:05

You put your balls there also.

0:31:050:31:07

OK.

0:31:070:31:09

And now it's a big mystery.

0:31:090:31:12

LAUGHTER

0:31:120:31:16

I cover everything, and please, you repeat after me.

0:31:160:31:20

Because it's a Chinese trick.

0:31:200:31:22

Are you ready? Here we go.

0:31:220:31:25

Hon-dai-hup!

0:31:250:31:26

LAUGHTER

0:31:260:31:29

Hon-dai-hup!

0:31:290:31:30

CHEERING

0:31:300:31:33

Wonderful!

0:31:330:31:35

Lift the first one. Not the tray, just the hanky.

0:31:370:31:41

And watch! Inside the glass,

0:31:430:31:46

only one ball, the pink one! Ya!

0:31:460:31:49

CHEERING

0:31:490:31:50

Very good! Very good!

0:31:500:31:52

APPLAUSE

0:31:520:31:54

-You want me to do it again?

-Indeed!

-Indeed!

0:32:010:32:04

It gets more difficult.

0:32:050:32:07

Without the hanky.

0:32:070:32:09

You can change the colour of the ball if you want.

0:32:090:32:12

First, the ball. No.

0:32:120:32:14

It's very difficult.

0:32:140:32:17

Ready?

0:32:180:32:19

Here we go!

0:32:190:32:20

Hon-dai-hup!

0:32:220:32:24

Hon-dai-hup!

0:32:240:32:27

Wa-ni-da-pra-te-gi-hup!

0:32:270:32:28

Wa-ni-ga-ja-da-hi-hup!

0:32:280:32:30

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:32:300:32:33

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

0:32:350:32:39

SHE LAUGHS

0:32:390:32:40

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

0:32:400:32:43

DRUM ROLL

0:32:430:32:46

Oh-h!

0:32:480:32:51

MUSIC CRESCENDOS

0:32:510:32:53

APPLAUSE

0:32:530:32:56

And now...

0:33:030:33:05

I want to finish with some French card...manipulation.

0:33:050:33:11

PIANO PLAYS LOUNGE MUSIC

0:33:120:33:15

APPLAUSE

0:33:230:33:25

APPLAUSE

0:33:390:33:43

MUSIC CRESCENDOS

0:33:450:33:48

MUSIC HALL REPRISE

0:33:480:33:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:560:33:59

Ineluctable...

0:34:040:34:06

..in lucent deliquescence.

0:34:080:34:11

A lark ascending,

0:34:110:34:13

ever-adorable -

0:34:130:34:15

Miss Valerie Masterson!

0:34:150:34:18

CHEERING

0:34:180:34:21

# My heart's debonair

0:34:260:34:28

# There's love in the air

0:34:280:34:30

# Life is carefree

0:34:300:34:33

# Our waltz will invite

0:34:330:34:35

# Bright midsummer night

0:34:350:34:37

# Dreams of romance

0:34:370:34:39

# So, on with the dance

0:34:390:34:41

# Night brings gay dreams

0:34:490:34:52

# Gone are daydreams

0:34:520:34:56

# As we dance

0:34:560:34:59

# All the world becomes

0:34:590:35:01

# A garden of romance and moonlight

0:35:010:35:08

# On this June night

0:35:080:35:12

# Love sends an invitation to the dance

0:35:120:35:20

# Music playing

0:35:200:35:23

# Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ahh

0:35:230:35:27

# While we're swaying

0:35:270:35:31

# Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ahh

0:35:310:35:34

# Youth has a gay time

0:35:340:35:38

# When life is playtime

0:35:380:35:42

# Then comes a day

0:35:420:35:45

# When it fades away... #

0:35:450:35:53

SHE VOCALISES

0:35:550:35:59

# Now's a chance for sweet romance

0:36:160:36:23

# At last! #

0:36:230:36:30

APPLAUSE

0:36:300:36:33

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO

0:36:460:36:52

# Oh, Danny boy

0:36:540:36:58

# The pipes, the pipes are calling

0:36:580:37:04

# From glen to glen

0:37:040:37:07

# And down the mountainside

0:37:070:37:13

# The summer's gone

0:37:130:37:17

# And all the roses dying

0:37:170:37:23

# 'Tis you, 'tis you

0:37:230:37:27

# Must go and I must bide

0:37:270:37:33

# But come ye back

0:37:340:37:39

# When summer's in the meadow

0:37:390:37:44

# Or when the valley's hushed

0:37:450:37:50

# And white with snow

0:37:500:37:55

# For I'll be here

0:37:550:38:01

# In sunshine or in shadow

0:38:010:38:07

# Oh, Danny boy

0:38:090:38:12

# Oh, Danny boy, I love you so

0:38:120:38:23

# But when ye come

0:38:330:38:37

# And all the roses dying

0:38:370:38:42

# If I am dead

0:38:440:38:47

# As dead I well may be

0:38:470:38:53

# Then you will find

0:38:550:38:59

# The place where I am lying

0:38:590:39:05

# And kneel and say an ave there for me

0:39:060:39:17

# For I shall hear

0:39:180:39:23

# How soft ye tread above me

0:39:230:39:31

# And all my grave

0:39:310:39:35

# Will warmer, sweeter be

0:39:350:39:42

# For you will bend

0:39:440:39:50

# And tell me that you love me

0:39:500:39:57

# And I shall sleep in peace

0:40:000:40:07

# Until you come to me. #

0:40:070:40:24

APPLAUSE

0:40:240:40:28

MUSIC HALL REPRISE

0:40:310:40:36

APPLAUSE

0:40:360:40:40

Paroxismal...

0:40:470:40:49

AUDIENCE OOHS

0:40:490:40:50

..purveyers of pyromanic

0:40:500:40:54

pandemonium.

0:40:540:40:56

LAUGHTER

0:40:560:40:58

Fire-eaters!

0:40:580:40:59

Les Flambeaux!

0:41:000:41:03

MUSIC: Sabre Dance by Khachaturian

0:41:030:41:07

AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND CHEERS

0:41:130:41:16

LAUGHTER

0:41:190:41:20

You laughing?

0:41:240:41:26

Go on, go on, go on, light them!

0:41:260:41:28

How can I light them? These matches, they're all dead.

0:41:280:41:31

They won't be alone if you don't get on with it!

0:41:310:41:34

It's not my fault, Barry, I got these from the digs.

0:41:340:41:37

You see, it's Mrs Buckroyd,

0:41:370:41:38

she puts them back in the box when she's struck 'em!

0:41:380:41:41

May I remind you, we are a fire-eating act?

0:41:410:41:43

I know that! I'm in it!

0:41:430:41:45

You're RIGHT in it!

0:41:450:41:48

Can't have a fire-eating act without fire,

0:41:480:41:50

it's like having a singer who can't sing.

0:41:500:41:52

-There's a few of them about, Barry.

-AUDIENCE OOHS

0:41:520:41:56

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise.

0:41:560:41:58

I'm saddled with an incompetent.

0:41:580:42:00

-Hey, my Uncle Arthur, he was like that.

-So, instead...

0:42:000:42:03

LAUGHTER

0:42:030:42:05

-Like what?

-Well, my Uncle Arthur, he was like what you said.

-Incompetent.

0:42:050:42:10

-Oh, incompetent. Yes.

-Incompetent.

0:42:110:42:13

LAUGHTER

0:42:130:42:15

Well, it's this earring. I can hear too well on this side, you see!

0:42:190:42:22

I'm fed up with the flaming thing. Get it off.

0:42:220:42:25

So, we have got no act.

0:42:270:42:29

Well, we never did really have an act at all.

0:42:290:42:32

He knows that. Mr Sachs knows that. You know that, don't you, Leonard?

0:42:320:42:36

He's introduced us a few times, haven't you?

0:42:360:42:38

I don't know why, because we know each other!

0:42:380:42:41

-It's silly, really, isn't it?

-Mr Sachs, may I apologise?

0:42:410:42:44

-You do a splendid job.

-Think nothing of it!

0:42:440:42:46

Well, we don't think anything of it other than it's all right.

0:42:460:42:49

I think you're terrific. All them long words!

0:42:490:42:51

I love the long words like marmalade and suppository.

0:42:510:42:54

It's a good act.

0:42:540:42:55

Terrific that, Leonard. Playing a blinder, Leonard.

0:42:550:42:59

-I can do that Welsh name, the long one.

-You can't!

0:42:590:43:02

-Want to bet?

-Never.

-Right, here we go.

0:43:020:43:04

Rhyl.

0:43:060:43:07

LAUGHTER

0:43:070:43:10

I thought you were going to say

0:43:100:43:11

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgog- erychwyrndrobwll-llantysiliogogogoch.

0:43:110:43:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:150:43:18

-I know a Welsh joke, you know, Barry.

-Do you really?

0:43:190:43:21

Don't underestimate Welsh jokes,

0:43:210:43:23

they could go on to become Party leaders.

0:43:230:43:26

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

0:43:260:43:29

-You mean, Lloyd George?

-On this show, yes.

0:43:290:43:32

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:43:320:43:35

-Oh, dear me!

-I suppose Lloyd George knew your father.

0:43:390:43:44

Lloyd George WAS my father!

0:43:440:43:45

LAUGHTER

0:43:450:43:47

-I don't want to know about that.

-That's what me mother said.

0:43:470:43:51

-Just a little bit of Welsh.

-Yeah, that's what he said.

0:43:510:43:54

-No, no!

-Anyway, the Welsh joke...

-Get on with it!

-Yes, I will.

0:43:540:43:57

Right, now, please...

0:43:570:43:58

Now, there was this fella, you see, and he was going down to Llanelli.

0:43:580:44:01

-"Chlanechli."

-Bless you.

0:44:010:44:03

-You all right?

-"Chlanechli."

-What?

0:44:030:44:05

Double-L in Welsh is...ch - "Chlanechli".

0:44:050:44:07

Don't do that, Barry, you're splashing me when you do that.

0:44:070:44:10

-"Chlanechli."

-What is? Like that? "Chlan..."

-"Chlan..."

-All right.

0:44:100:44:14

Well, this fell...this fechla...

0:44:140:44:16

LAUGHTER

0:44:160:44:19

-..was going down to Llanelli.

-Jolly good.

-Oh, you mean "jochly good".

0:44:190:44:23

-Get on with it!

-Anyway, this fella was going down to Llanelli

0:44:230:44:27

and he found his watch had stopped.

0:44:270:44:28

So, he goes in this field

0:44:280:44:30

and he sees a farmer who's in the field with a buchlock.

0:44:300:44:34

-A what?

-A buchlock.

0:44:340:44:37

LAUGHTER

0:44:370:44:39

-A buchlock.

-"Book lock"?

-Buchlock.

0:44:390:44:42

-It's a bullock, you see, a bullock!

-Oh, yes!

-It's a bullock.

0:44:430:44:47

And he goes up to this farmer who's with this buchlock,

0:44:470:44:49

and he says, "Can you techl me the time?"

0:44:490:44:53

And the farmer, he shifts the buchlock's tail

0:44:530:44:56

and he says, "It's half past echleven."

0:44:560:44:59

-Don't overdo it!

-All right, 9.30.

0:44:590:45:02

Anyway, he said, "How can you tell the time

0:45:020:45:04

"by shifting that buchlock's tail like that?" He said,

0:45:040:45:06

"Every time I move the buchlock's tail, I can see the town clock."

0:45:060:45:09

LAUGHTER

0:45:090:45:10

-Listen, shall we do a song?

-I was going to sing

0:45:100:45:13

My Old Man Said Follow The Van but Dan's done that, hasn't he?

0:45:130:45:16

-Hey, listen, we could do it in Welsh.

-We could do it in Welsh!

0:45:160:45:18

Listen, can you rewrite the song sheet, please? Do it in Welsh?

0:45:180:45:21

Look at that, his quill pen's got sparks coming off it!

0:45:210:45:24

Yes, are you ready?

0:45:240:45:25

Yes, drop it in, then, come on! Let's have it!

0:45:250:45:27

There we are! This is the song in Welsh.

0:45:270:45:30

This is in Welsh, can you see it?

0:45:300:45:32

LAUGHTER

0:45:320:45:34

Have you got it?

0:45:340:45:36

All right, now, quiet please.

0:45:380:45:41

-Let's do it, then.

-Let's do it.

-One, two...

-Yaki da.

0:45:410:45:44

# My old man said fochlow the van

0:45:460:45:51

# And don't dichly-dachly on the way

0:45:510:45:56

# Off went the van with the home packed in it

0:45:560:46:01

# I fochlowed on with my old cock linnet

0:46:010:46:04

# And I dichlied and dachlied

0:46:040:46:07

# Dachlied and dachlied

0:46:070:46:09

# Lost my way and don't know where to roam

0:46:090:46:13

# Oh, you can't trust the specials like the old-time coppers.

0:46:130:46:18

# When you come home again

0:46:180:46:23

# To Wales! #

0:46:230:46:30

SONG REPRISE

0:46:330:46:34

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:46:370:46:41

And now Ave Atque Vale from the...

0:46:460:46:50

IMPRESSED MURMURS

0:46:500:46:52

..exemplary and omnipresent Players Theatre,

0:46:520:46:55

from the entire company,

0:46:550:46:58

from Mr Bernard Herrmann and his entire and indefatigable orchestra!

0:46:580:47:03

CHEERING

0:47:030:47:07

-But this time, chiefly... ALL:

-Yourselves!

0:47:070:47:12

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO

0:47:120:47:15

# Beer, beer, glorious beer

0:47:190:47:22

# Fill yourselves right up to here

0:47:220:47:26

# Drink a good deal of it

0:47:260:47:28

# Make a good meal of it

0:47:280:47:30

# Stick to your old-fashioned beer

0:47:300:47:33

# Don't be afraid of it, drink till you're made of it

0:47:330:47:37

-# Now, all together, a cheer!

-Hooray!

0:47:370:47:41

# Up with the sale of it, down with a pail of it

0:47:410:47:45

# Glorious, glorious beer. #

0:47:450:47:48

# Bella is a barmaid! Ah-ha-ha!

0:47:490:47:52

# Bella s a barmaid at The Rising Star

0:47:520:47:56

# Before I pull another pint, you gentlemen haven't paid!

0:47:560:48:00

# Bella is a bar-bar-bar-barmaid. #

0:48:000:48:04

Oh, you cheeky...! Come on!

0:48:040:48:06

Oh, crikey! Look who's here! It's Matilda Buggins!

0:48:060:48:10

Oh, my Gawd...

0:48:100:48:12

MUTTERING

0:48:120:48:14

You tell me now, tell me all about it.

0:48:140:48:17

Yeah.

0:48:170:48:19

# Matilda Buggins was the name of a girl I did admire

0:48:190:48:23

# When first I set my eyes on her, she set my heart on fire

0:48:230:48:27

# I used to go and see her, every evening, for a spoon

0:48:270:48:31

# And spend me wages on her on a Saturday afternoon

0:48:310:48:35

# But, oh, alas, alack-a-day

0:48:350:48:38

# It was an evil hour

0:48:380:48:40

# He took her into the music hall to get away from the shower

0:48:400:48:44

# She never looked at the stage at all, to him, it seemed so rum

0:48:440:48:48

# She never took her eyes away from the fella who played the drum...

0:48:480:48:54

# She wouldn't go into the balcony or into the circle stalls

0:48:540:49:00

# She wouldn't go into the gallery for fear that she would fall

0:49:000:49:04

# She wouldn't go into the boxes, it made her feel so glum

0:49:040:49:08

# She wanted to sit in the front of the pit

0:49:080:49:10

# Where the fella was playing the drum

0:49:100:49:12

# And then she heard the dreadful news that he had got a wife

0:49:120:49:16

# It nearly knocked the stuffing out of poor Matilda's life

0:49:160:49:20

# She tried her tricks on me again, no sympathy I had

0:49:210:49:25

# And the latest news concerning her

0:49:250:49:28

# Is that she is going mad! Oh! #

0:49:280:49:31

-Oh!

-Oh, cripes!

-COMMOTION

0:49:310:49:33

-Sit her down, quick!

-MATILDA YELLS

0:49:330:49:37

# For the Army of Salvation she has joined to ease her mind

0:49:370:49:41

# And playing cymbals in the band, Matilda, you can find

0:49:410:49:46

# She shouts out

0:49:460:49:48

# Alleluia! There's a glorious time to come!

0:49:480:49:52

# So, join the throng and come with me

0:49:520:49:54

# And my fella who plays the drum... #

0:49:540:49:58

# I wouldn't go into the balcony or into the circle stalls

0:50:020:50:06

# I wouldn't go into the gallery for fear that I should fall

0:50:060:50:10

# I wouldn't go into the boxes, it made me feel so glum

0:50:100:50:13

# I wanted to sit in the front of the pit

0:50:130:50:16

# With the fella who played the drum

0:50:160:50:17

# She wouldn't go into the balcony or into the circle stalls

0:50:170:50:21

# She wouldn't go into the gallery for fear that she would fall

0:50:210:50:25

# She wouldn't go into the boxes, it made me feel so glum

0:50:250:50:29

# She wanted to sit in the front of the pit

0:50:290:50:31

# With the fella who played the drum

0:50:310:50:33

-# She wanted to sit!

-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

0:50:330:50:35

-# In the front of the pit!

-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

0:50:350:50:37

# With the fella who played the drum. #

0:50:370:50:43

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:50:430:50:47

SONG REPRISE

0:50:470:50:49

EXCITED CHATTERING

0:50:490:50:52

Come over here, I've got a lovely table for you.

0:50:520:50:55

Would anyone like to offer? Just one coin would be enough.

0:50:550:50:58

Would you like to offer, sir?

0:50:580:51:00

Where did you get that lovely hat?

0:51:000:51:02

# I'm very glad you asked me that question.

0:51:020:51:04

# Now, how I came to get this hat is very strange and funny

0:51:060:51:10

# Grandfather died and left to me his property and money

0:51:100:51:14

# And when the will, it was read out

0:51:140:51:16

# They told me straight and flat

0:51:160:51:18

# If I would have his money

0:51:180:51:20

# I must always wear his hat

0:51:200:51:22

# And now everywhere I go

0:51:220:51:25

# People shout out

0:51:250:51:27

# Where did you get that hat?

0:51:270:51:28

# Where did you get that tile?

0:51:280:51:30

# Oh, isn't it a nobby one, in just the proper style?

0:51:300:51:33

# I should like to have one

0:51:330:51:35

# Just the same as that!

0:51:350:51:37

# Where'er I go, they shout

0:51:370:51:39

# Hello! Where did you get that hat? #

0:51:390:51:41

It's true, you know. Everywhere I go, people laugh at my hat.

0:51:410:51:45

I don't know why. It's a beautiful hat, that.

0:51:450:51:47

Beautiful piece of material.

0:51:470:51:49

You feel that, Mr White, feel it.

0:51:490:51:51

It's felt.

0:51:510:51:53

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

0:51:530:51:56

# Grandfather served with Nelson

0:51:560:51:58

# Upon the briny sea

0:51:580:52:00

# And braced upon the quarterdeck were none so brave as he

0:52:000:52:04

# When Nelson got his fatal wound and on the deck did swoon

0:52:040:52:09

# Instead of kissing Hardy

0:52:090:52:10

# He began to croon this tune

0:52:100:52:13

# Where did you get that hat? Where did you get that tile?

0:52:130:52:16

# Oh, isn't it a nobby one And just the proper style?

0:52:160:52:20

# I should like to have one Just the same as that!

0:52:200:52:23

# Where'er I go, they shout, Hello! Where did you get that hat?

0:52:230:52:27

# La-la-la-la

0:52:270:52:29

# La-la-la-la

0:52:290:52:30

-# La-la-la-la...

-Oh...

0:52:300:52:33

# Now, following in Father's footsteps

0:52:330:52:36

# I got married just last week

0:52:360:52:38

# And, naturally, I wore this hat

0:52:380:52:40

# Tradition so to keep

0:52:400:52:42

# But halfway through the service when I came to say, I do

0:52:420:52:46

# The vicar said, but first there is one thing I'll ask of you

0:52:460:52:50

# Where did you get that hat? Where did you get that tile?

0:52:500:52:54

# Isn't it a nobby one And just the proper style?

0:52:540:52:58

# I should like to have one Just the same as that!

0:52:580:53:02

# Where'er I go, they shout, Hello! Where did you get that hat?

0:53:020:53:05

-# Oh!

-Where did you get that hat? Where did you get that tile?

0:53:050:53:09

# Isn't it a nobby one And just the proper style?

0:53:090:53:12

# I should like to have one Just the same as that!

0:53:120:53:16

# Where'er I go, they shout

0:53:160:53:18

# Hello! Where did you get that hat? #

0:53:180:53:23

How's that?!

0:53:230:53:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:53:240:53:26

Come on, let's have another drink!

0:53:260:53:30

Oh!

0:53:300:53:32

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO

0:53:320:53:35

# When you come to the end of a perfect day

0:53:400:53:47

# And you sit alone with your thought

0:53:470:53:54

# As the chimes ring out with a carol gay

0:53:540:54:01

# For the joy that the day has brought

0:54:010:54:07

# Do you think what the end of a perfect day

0:54:080:54:14

# Can mean to a tired heart?

0:54:140:54:21

# When the sun goes down with a flaming ray

0:54:210:54:30

# And the dear friends have to part?

0:54:300:54:38

# Well, this is the end of a perfect day

0:54:510:54:59

# It's the end of a journey, too

0:54:590:55:06

# But it leaves a thought that is big and strong

0:55:060:55:13

# With a wish that is kind and true

0:55:130:55:20

# For memory has painted this perfect day

0:55:200:55:28

# With colours that never fade

0:55:280:55:35

# For we find at the end of a perfect day

0:55:350:55:43

# The soul of a friend we've made

0:55:450:55:54

# So we find at the end of a perfect day

0:55:540:56:06

# The soul

0:56:060:56:10

# Of a friend

0:56:100:56:13

# We've made. #

0:56:130:56:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:56:220:56:25

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO

0:56:250:56:27

EXCITED CHATTERING

0:56:320:56:34

CHEERING

0:56:340:56:36

# Champagne Charlie is his name Champagne Charlie is his name

0:56:410:56:48

# There's no better drink than fizz, fizz, fizz

0:56:480:56:52

# I'll drink every little drop there is

0:56:520:56:55

# Champagne Charlie is his name

0:56:550:56:59

# Champagne-drinking is his game

0:56:590:57:02

# I'm the idol of the barmaids

0:57:030:57:06

# Champagne Charlie is my name

0:57:060:57:10

# He's the idol of the barmaids

0:57:100:57:14

# Champagne Charlie is his name. #

0:57:140:57:17

APPLAUSE

0:57:170:57:19

Well, here we are, Christmas Eve, family, dear ones,

0:57:250:57:28

and some of our dear friends away from us,

0:57:280:57:30

but they're always close to us.

0:57:300:57:32

And, here tonight, we have 30 years of family,

0:57:320:57:35

it's a little sad, but also very happy.

0:57:350:57:38

And there's just one thing for me to say. Thank you.

0:57:380:57:41

BAND PLAYS INTRO

0:57:410:57:45

# We'll meet again

0:57:470:57:49

# Don't know where

0:57:490:57:51

# Don't know when

0:57:510:57:53

# But I know we'll meet again some sunny day

0:57:530:58:01

# Keep smiling through

0:58:030:58:06

# Just like you always do

0:58:060:58:10

# Till the blue skies drive those dark clouds right away

0:58:100:58:17

# And won't you please say hello

0:58:170:58:20

# To the folks that I know?

0:58:200:58:23

# Tell them I won't be long

0:58:230:58:25

# They'll be happy to know

0:58:270:58:29

# That as you saw me go

0:58:290:58:31

# I was singing this song

0:58:310:58:34

# We'll meet again

0:58:360:58:38

# Don't know where

0:58:380:58:41

# Don't know when

0:58:410:58:43

# But I know we'll meet again some sunny day

0:58:430:58:49

# We'll meet again

0:58:520:58:55

# Don't know where

0:58:550:58:57

# Don't know when

0:58:570:58:59

# But I know we'll meet again

0:58:590:59:03

# Some sunny day

0:59:030:59:08

# Keep smiling through

0:59:080:59:11

# Just like you always do

0:59:110:59:16

# Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away

0:59:160:59:23

# And won't you please say hello

0:59:230:59:26

# To the folks that I know?

0:59:260:59:28

# Tell them it won't be long

0:59:280:59:30

# They'll be happy to know

0:59:320:59:34

# That as you saw me go

0:59:340:59:36

# I was singin' this song

0:59:360:59:40

# We'll meet again

0:59:410:59:43

# Don't know where

0:59:430:59:46

# Don't know when

0:59:460:59:48

# But I know we'll meet again some sunny day. #

0:59:480:59:55

A celebration of music hall favourites from the famous City Varieties Theatre, Leeds. Featuring chairman Leonard Sachs and a host of special guests, this Christmas special was originally broadcast in 1983.


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