07/03/1978 The Good Old Days

BAND TUNES UP

CONDUCTOR TAPS BATON

BAND PLAYS FANFARE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Once again...

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-ALL:

-Good evening!

Inaugurally promulgating...

Ooh!

..plenitudinous impotentialities...

Ooh!

..the Players Theatre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Goodbye, summer, so long, fall

# Hello, wintertime

# Let's take a good old sleigh ride

# Come on, all

# Hear those old bells jingle and chime

# Every Joe and Josie is comfy cosy

# Their hearts and lips, they decry

# And so it's goodbye, summer, so long, fall

# Hello, wintertime. #

# Winter, winter

# When the snow is softly falling

# That's the time to squeeze When you start to freeze

# In October and November And December, just remember

# Winter, winter

# When your sweetheart comes a-calling

# By the fireside so bright You'll sit and squeeze her

# That's the time to squeeze her When it's winter. #

# So give me a little cosy corner

# And an armchair for two

# Somewhere with somebody there

# Anywhere will do

# Give me an evening in the twilight

# With the pale moon above

# And I'll find a cosy little corner

# In the heart of the one I love

# Give me a little cosy corner

# And an armchair for two

# Somewhere with somebody there

# Anywhere will do

# Give me an evening in the twilight

# With the pale moon above

# And I'll find a cosy little corner

# In the heart of the one I love. #

# Oh, I must go home tonight I must go home tonight

# I don't care if it's snowing, blowing, I'm going

# I only got married this morning

# It fills me with delight

# I'll stay out as long as you like next week

# But I must go home tonight

# Yes, I must go home tonight! #

Resplendent circus celebrants, for your spectacular...

-Ooh!

-..astonishment,

Ted Durante and Hilda!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS CIRCUS MUSIC

HE SPEAKS FAKE GERMAN

BAND CONTINUES

HE SHOUTS OUT

BAND STOPS

HE CONTINUES TO SPEAK FAKE GERMAN

HE SIGHS

BAND PLAYS A WALTZ

Beautiful!

Kraut!

Up! Up! Up!

Ja! APPLAUSE

Kraut!

Kraut! Up! Und komm!

Kraut on der Kopf.

Und da-da-da-da-da. On der Kopf mit der Kraut.

Up! Hey!

Und...

HE CRIES OUT

APPLAUSE

Kraut up on der Kopf. Ja!

HE SPEAKS ANGRILY

What? Is a ferret?

Catch a ferret, und thpft!

Kraut, ja! Kopf. The nut!

Up on ze nut!

Right up on ze nut.

Hop!

Gut!

Gut...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Allez oop!

Allez oop!

Get off me bloody 'ead!

APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS UNCONVINCINGLY

My neck!

I've lost my neck. Don't stand there, look for it!

It's about that big. It's got a wart on the back.

Was ist das? What?

Yeah, that's gut! APPLAUSE

All right!

BAND PLAYS CIRCUS MUSIC

CHEERING

Contributory from current Covent Garden ovations...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-..resonant in reverberancies,

Mr Robert Tear!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SOLO PIANO PLAYS

# It was many and many a year ago

# In a kingdom by the sea

# That a maiden there lived whom you may know

# By the name of Annabel Lee

# And this maiden, she lived with no other thought

# Than to love and be loved by me

# I was a child and she was a child

# In this kingdom by the sea

# But we loved with a love that was more than love

# I and my Annabel Lee

# With a love that the winged seraphs of Heaven

# Coveted, her and me

# And this was the reason that long ago

# In this kingdom by the sea

# A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling

# My beautiful Annabel Lee

# So that her high-born kinsmen came

# And bore her away from me

# To shut her up in a sepulchre

# In this kingdom by the sea

# My beautiful Annabel Lee

# My beautiful Annabel Lee

# But the moon never beams without bringing me dreams

# Of a beautiful Annabel Lee

# And the stars never rise but I see the bright eyes

# Of a beautiful Annabel Lee

# And so all the night-tide I lay down by the side

# Of my darling, my darling, my life and my bride

# In her sepulchre there by the sea

# In her tomb by the sounding sea

# My beautiful Annabel Lee

# My beautiful...

# Annabel Lee. #

-Gregarious...

-Ooh!

..in galorously diverting drolleries...

Ooh!

..from Yorkshire...

LOUD CHEERING

..Mr Tom Mennard!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Thank you.

TOM CHUCKLES

I had never set eyes on the bloke before in my life.

Never.

There we are in the doctor's waiting room. He turns to me,

a perfect stranger, he says, "What have you come to see him for?"

I said, "Something private."

I am not one who goes round showing me operations, y'know?

So the doctor comes over. He's got one of these hydraulic syringes.

And he sticks the needle in me arm and took something out,

squirted it in a test tube, held it up to the light.

He gave it to the nurse. He says, "Take that to the brewery.

"Maybe they can tell us what it is."

He says, "There's a drop of blood in your alcohol stream.

"Otherwise, you're not bad."

So, I put me clothes on, I came out.

I thought, "I shan't stay with him long."

And in the evening - that was the Friday - I met my particular

friends, Harry Armitage, Charlie Hollindale.

We went round the Goat and Compasses.

It was funny, because they opened, as always, at six,

and when we got there it was nearly five past, y'know?

And the landlord had sent one of the lads round the hospital

to see if there'd been an accident.

And we get in there. I mean, we just take it steady.

We're not alcoholics.

Y'know, I mean, I can make a pint last five minutes if I drag it out.

Y'know, for a bet. And, erm...

We're drinking there, steady. About nine o'clock,

Harry upset the landlord, which is quite easy.

I thought, "I'll get these three out of here."

So I says to the barman, I said,

"Where's this new games room they've opened?

"It said on the third floor."

He said, "In the state that Charlie's in,

"you want to send him up in the lift."

So we get Charlie in this lift, me, Harry and Fred.

He gets out on the third floor,

saw this waiter walking past, called him over.

He says, "Waiter!

"Very cramped in that lift you've got over there.

The waiter said, "Yes, sir.

"Well, normally that one only holds two plates of soup and a teapot."

So I said to the lads,

"We won't bother with the lift, we'll go by the stairs.

"It won't take long" - which it didn't,

we missed every one of 'em.

We was all right till we got in the street, and then it started,

because - every gentleman here tonight will vouch for this -

it is not the stuff you drink that does the damage.

It's the fresh air.

And believe me, that street was full of it.

I felt like writing to the Yorkshire Post.

Within a minute, Harry's lying flat on his stomach on the pavement,

his fingers gripped tightly over the edge of the kerb.

He looked up at me, he says, "Get a ladder, quick.

"I can't hang on much longer."

Do you mind not laughing while I'm talking? I'm trying to get...

I helped him stand up, looked round.

There's Charlie, hanging round the lamppost, knocking on it like mad.

I says, "What are you knocking on there for?"

He says, "I know there's somebody in. There's a light on upstairs."

We get to Harry's house.

He was looking for the key, and I was looking for the door.

And the...door opened. Harry's missus stood there,

looking daggers at me, Fred and Charlie, cos for some reason

what we have never discovered, she doesn't seem keen on any of us.

I thought, "She doesn't look very happy."

And I'm very good at flattery.

And let's face it, the ladies like it, don't they? Y'know?

And she's standing there, she's got a long black dress on,

a big hat full of flowers. I thought, "I'll do it."

So I said, "Hello, Mrs Armitage!" She says, "Hello..."

I said, "Your dress might be tatty, but the hat's very nice."

She says, "Thank you. It should be. I've just paid nearly 27/6 for this.

"It's a new hat. You're supposed to wish on it."

I says, "You what?!"

She says, "You're supposed to wish on it." Well...

Charlie's just that little bit hard of hearing, y'know?

And... Yeah!

And I think he must have misunderstood her.

Anyhow, he had to buy her a new hat.

I'm off for a new pint. Ta-ra for now. So long. Bye. He-hey!

-Superlatively...

-Ooh!

..sonorous in a distillation of supplicatory...

-Ooh!

-..invocation...

-A song of pleading.

-Awww!

..Mr Benjamin Luxon!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Into a railway station crept a little child one night

# The last train was just leaving and the bustle at its height

# The stationmaster, standing there, looked down with wond'ring eyes

# Upon this little maid, so frail in form, so small in size

# "Where is your father, little one? Are you alone?" he cried

# With tearful eyes she looked up in his face and thus replied

# Give me a ticket to heaven

# That's where Dad's gone, they say

# He'll be so lonely without me

# Travelling all that way

# Mother died when I was born, sir

# And left Dad and me all alone

# So give me a ticket to heaven, please

# Before the last train is gone

# My daddy worked upon the line, and when I went tonight

# To take his tea he lay there on a shutter, oh, so white

# Then to a great big building his mates carried him away

# "He's booked for heaven, poor old Dick," I heard one of them say

# A station this must be, I thought to catch the train I'd wait

# But, finding none, I ran on here, I hope I'm not too late

AUDIENCE JOINS IN: # Give me a ticket to heaven

# That's where Dad's gone, they say

# He'll be so lonely without me

# Travelling all that way

# Mother died when I was born, sir

# And left Dad and me all alone

# So give me a ticket to heaven, please

# Before the last train is gone

# The stationmaster said, "Come, little one, I'll see you right

# "A ticket to your father you shall have this very night"

# He took her to the hospital, they let her see her dad

# Though injured, he had not been killed

# And, oh, her heart was glad

# Then, turning to that kind friend who had brought her all the way

# She said, "If I lose Dad again, I'll come to you and say..."

# Give me a ticket to heaven

# That's where Dad's gone, they say

# He'll be so lonely without me

# Travelling all that way

# Mother died when I was born, sir

# And left Dad and me all alone

# So give me a ticket to heaven, please

# Before the last train has gone. #

CHEERING

Beguiling gaminerie...

Ooh!

French.

-..in...

-HE LAUGHS

..a Marie Lloyd medley, your own, your very own

Miss Barbara Windsor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

# Up to the West End, right in the best end

# Straight from the country came Miss Maudie Brown

# Her father a curate but couldn't endure it

# And that's why the lady's residing in town

# 12 months ago, her modest self felt quite sublime

# To sit on a boy's knee who was covered in grime

# And if you should want a kiss

# She would droop her eyes like this

# But now she keeps them just one at a time

# And every little movement has a meaning of its own

# Every little movement tells a tale

# Oh, when she walks in dainty hobble

# In the background there there's a kind of wibble-wobble

# And she glides like this

# And the Johnnies follow in her trail

# But when she turns her head like so

# Something's stirring, don't you know?

# And every little movement tells a tale. #

APPLAUSE

# When I take my morning promenade

# Quite a fashion card on the promenade

# Now, I don't mind nice boys staring hard

# If it satisfies their desire

# Do you think my dress is a little bit

# Just a little bit, not too much of it?

# Though it shows my shape just a little bit

# That's the little bit the boys admire

AUDIENCE JOINS IN: # When I take my morning promenade

# Quite a fashion card on the promenade

# Now, I don't mind nice boys staring hard

# If it satisfies their desire

# Do you think my dress is a little bit

# Ooh! Just a little bit, but not too much of it?

# Though it shows my shape just a little bit

# That's the little bit the boys admire. #

Ooh!

APPLAUSE

# Now, we had to move away Cos the rent we couldn't pay

# The moving van came round just after dark

# There was me and my old man Shoving things inside the van

# Which we'd often done before, let me remark

# We packed all that we could pack On the van, and that's a fact

# And we got inside all we could get inside

# Then we packed all we could pack On the tailboard at the back

# Till there wasn't any room for me to ride

AUDIENCE JOINS IN: # And my old man said follow the van

# And don't dilly-dally on the way

# Oh, off went the van with me home packed in it

# And I followed on with me old cock linnet

# I dillied and dallied I dallied and dillied

# I lost me way and don't know where to roam

# But you can't trust a special like the old-time copper

# When you can't find your way home

# No, you can't trust a special like the old-time copper

# When you can't find your way home! #

CHEERING

# I'm a young girl who's just come over

# Over from the country where they do things big

# And amongst the boys I've got a lover

# And since I've got a lover, well, I don't give a fig

# For the boy that I love's up in the gallery

# The boy that I love's looking down at me

# There is he, can't you see? Waving his handkerchief

# As merry as the robin that sings on a tree

# The boy that I love's up in the gallery

# The boy that I love's looking down at me

# There he is, can't you see? Waving his handkerchief

# As merry as the robin...

# That sings on a tree. #

CHEERING

A dulcitoned duplicity in antiphonal...

-Ooh!

-..threnody...

Ooh!

A duet.

..Mr Benjamin Luxon and Mr Robert Tear!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# A dickie bird sat on an apple-tree bough

# And warbled by night and day

# His words you'll hear, should you list' to him now

# A-trilling his roundelay

# Few folks can boast a voice like mine

# Such beauty of tones a gift divine

# I'll sing my notes from A to G

# And an opera star...

# ..I will someday be

-# Tweedle-deedle-dee

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

# Tweedle-deedle-dee, tweedle- deedle-deedle-deedle-deedle-dee

# Tweedle-deedle-dee, tweedle- deedle-dee, tweedle-deedle-dee, tweedle-deedle-dee...

-# Few folks can boast a voice like mine

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

-# Such beauty of tone is a gift divine

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

-# I'll sing my notes from A to G

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

-# An opera star I will be

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

-# Someday I will be

-La-la-la la-la-la

# And an opera star I'll be

# A star I'll be

-# Tweedle-deedle-dee

-I'll sing my notes from A to G

# An opera star...

-# ..I will someday be

-He will someday be

# On high in that tree dwelt a bachelor owl

# A grim old customer, he

# That fellow, he cried with ferocious scowl

# Will soon be my death, I can see

# He sings by night, he sings by day

# Oh, would that his lease would expire next May

# For nothing on earth can be such a bore

# As musical folk hoo-hoo-hoo!

# In the hoo-hoo-hoo! hoo-hoo-house

# The house next door

# The house next...

-# ..hoo-hoo-hoo! door

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

-# Tweedle-deedle-dee

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

# Tweedle-deedle-deedle-deedle- deedle-dee

# Tweedle-deedle-dee Tweedle-deedle-dee

# Tweedle-deedle-dee Tweedle-deedle-dee...

-# He sings his notes from A to G

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

-# Can no-one persuade him to stay away?

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

-# He sings his notes from A to G

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

# An opera star he will be someday be

# And an opera star he'll be

# A star he'll be

-# Tweedle-deedle-dee

-I'll sing my notes from A to G

-# An opera star

-Tweedle-deedle-dee

-# ..I will some...

-He will some...

-# ..day be

-..day be. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Purveying a positive pantechnicon...

-Ooh!

-..of talents tantamount to a tattoo...

-Ooh!

..the one and only Mr Roy Castle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS On Ilkley Moor Baht 'At

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Here in Leeds, they've discovered a new way of letting you know

when your time's up.

Whoever's by me when this goes off goes out with me for the evening.

Where to? Nobody knows. It'll be a glorified mystery trip.

Right, well, I've just about had enough now. I, er...

We'll pass it round, shall we?

Like a pass-the-parcel, isn't it?

If you'd like to play this for a bit now...

Don't push him away! Did you see? She said, "Get off it, get off it!"

HE CHUCKLES

He's not saying anything, look!

-You're alight.

-Yeah. Oh!

He says, "Your trousers are on fire."

I'll be burnt down to the ground.

Do you want to have a go at this? Can you play these? That's it.

LOW NOTE Oh!

That was great! That was great! APPLAUSE

Fantastic!

I think we should try and stamp that out. It won't stop. Ah, yeah. There.

We'll play a duet, seeing as you can play so well. Go on, you stand up.

Have a blow at this. Come on, you'll be all right. Have a good blow.

No, don't pass it round.

LOW NOTES Beautiful. Beautiful.

Stand up a bit. Keep your handkerchief on you. That's it.

You play that, I'll play this. All right?

Cos it's going to be a marching job, this.

Right, off you go.

ONE NOTE Keep going.

Keep going. Keep going.

Aren't you glad you're not wearing a hat now?

QUICK, RHYTHMIC NOTES

That's it. Keep going.

Now stand up and march round.

I'll start you off. That's it.

ROY PLAYS The Yellow Rose Of Texas

Keep going. What's the matter with you?

ROY SPEEDS UP

APPLAUSE

ROY LAUGHS

It'll be all right.

Once it's all over, all your teeth go to the bottom, down there.

We'll just play that last phrase now.

Keep going.

Oi! ROY WHISTLES

We're playing down here, son. We're playing a duet down here.

Hold it, hold it.

OI!

Can I leave that with you?

We're playing a duet down here!

Oi! OI!

Oi!

-Come on. ALL:

-Oi!

Yeah, come on, come on, a big one.

OI!

Right. Right...

APPLAUSE

OK, that'll do. APPLAUSE

Would you mind removing your hat, please?

ROY CHUCKLES

Right, here we go, lad. Give us a roll, then.

Give us a roll on your drum, lad.

It goes "Ma-ma Da-da".

Getting faster and faster

until it becomes a roll.

APPLAUSE

Nothing.

I think we've got him!

HE PLAYS SOFTLY

HE PLAYS MUCH LOUDER

TWO LOUD BANGS ON DRUM

15 all.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ROY CHUCKLES

Cuckoo!

Cuckoo!

Cuckoo!

It's three o'clock.

APPLAUSE

HE SHOUTS LIKE A DRILL SERGEANT: Company, by the right...

quick...

march!

HE SHOUTS

By the right...

..quick...

MARCH!

Got you! Got you!

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Look at this. Cuckoo! How about that, then, eh?

Look at that. Cuckoo!

Show him yours. Show him yours.

ROY LAUGHS

CHEERING

In an harmoniously homogenised

Harry Champion show...

..the Players Theatre with Mr John Rutland!

# Everybody knows him in his old brown hat

# That he's got upon his pim-pim-pimple

# It only cost him a tanner down the Cut

# But it looks all right on his little wooden nut

# Oh, I say, oh, I say, now

# What do you think of that? Think of that?

# If he can't get what he orders in a pot

# He'll have it in his old brown hat

# Well, why not?

# Where I live, my neighbours are a nice lot

# Specially when I'm out of doors

# They all treat me with great respect

# But they never say, "What's yours?"

# If I walk in a public house

# They say, "Look out, he's here"

# They grab their pots and glasses, shouting

# "Danger, mind your beer" Whoo!

# Everybody knows me in me old brown hat

# That I got upon me pim-pim-pimple

# It only cost me a tanner down the Cut

# But it looks all right on me little wooden nut

# Oh, I say, whaddya think of that?

# If I can't get what I order in a pot

# I'll have it in me old brown hat Well, why not?

# Have it in me old brown hat Well, why not?

# Have it in me old brown hat. #

# What a mouth, what a mouth! What a north and south

# Lumme, what a mouth he's got

# When he was a youngster, Oh, Gawd lovell

# His poor old mum used to feed him with shovel

# What a gap, poor chap, he's never been known to laugh

# Whoa, if he did, it's a penny to a quid

# His face would fall in half. #

# Don't walk about without a cady on

# Ginger, you're barmy

# Get your 'air cut, get your 'air cut

# Ginger, you're barmy! #

# Oh, I say, whaddya think of that?

# If I can't get what I order in a pot

# I'll have it in me old brown hat Well, why not?

# Have it in me old brown hat Well, why not?

# Have it in me old brown hat

# Daddle-daddle da da, daddle-daddle da da

# Da, da, brown hat! #

CHEERING

# There's one day a week when we feel a bit gay

# That's Saturday

# Saturday?

# When we get our wages, it's all hip-hooray

# On Saturday

# Saturday!

# You go all the week perhaps and can't get a sub

# But the day comes at last when your rufties you rub

# And directly you gets it, you're off to a pub!

# On Saturday

# Oh, Saturday, that's the day for me

# We have a fair old beano and we spend our L s d

# On Monday morning we are always B-R-O-K-E

# Oh, Saturday, that's the day for me

# Oh, Saturday, that's the day for me

# We have a fair old beano and we spend our L s d

# On Monday morning we are always B-R-O-K-E

# Oh, Saturday, lovely, lovely Saturday

# Saturday, the day for... #

# Boiled beef and carrots, Boiled beef and carrots

# That's the stuff for your Derby Kell

# Makes you fit and it keeps you well

# Don't live like vegetarians on food they give to parrots

# From morn till night, blow out your kite

# On boiled beef and carrots. #

# I like pickled onions, I like piccalilli

# Picked cabbage is all right

# On a bit of cold meat on Sunday night

# I can go tomatoes-es, but what I do prefer

# Is a little bit of cucum, cucum-cucum

# A little bit of cucumber. #

# Any old iron, any old iron Any-any-any old iron

# You look neat Talk about a treat

# You look dapper from your napper to your feet

# Dressed in style, brand-new tile Father's old green tie on

# I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch chain

# Old iron, old iron

# Any old iron, any old iron

# Boiled beef and carrots

# A little bit of cucum, cucum-cucum

# Any, any, any, what a mouth, any old iron, brown hat

# And his soul goes marching on

# Everybody knows me in me old brown hat!

-# Brown hat!

-Brown hat!

-# Brown hat! #

And now, there's just time to ask Mr Roy Castle and

Miss Barbara Windsor to lead the company and yourselves in the

last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Roy Castle, Miss Barbara Windsor, the entire

company, Mr Bernard Herrmann,

the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..but this time, chiefly...

-ALL:

-..yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da-da da-da-da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band Da da-da-da da-da-da

# Come let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG TO MUSIC