14/03/1978 The Good Old Days

BAND PLAYS WALTZ

ALL: # I'll be your sweetheart

# If you will be mine

# All my life

# I'll be your Valentine

# Bluebells I've gathered

# Take them and be true

# When I'm a man, my plan

# Will be to marry you

# When I'm a man, my plan

# Will be to marry you. #

BAND PLAYS FANFARE

CHEERING

CHEERING

Once again...

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

-Ecstatic in exemplary...

-Ooh!

..euphony, the Players Theatre plus - and it's a super plus -

Miss Jan Hunt!

APPLAUSE

-BOYS:

-# Take a pretty partner at the ball

-GIRLS:

-# Take your partner

# Take a pretty partner at the ball

# Take your partner

ALL: # She who dances best of all She whose charms will never pall

# As your own fair partner at the ball

# Take a pretty partner at the ball

# Take your partner

# Take a pretty partner at the ball

# Take your partner

# She who dances best of all She whose charms will never pall

# As your own fair partner at the ball. #

# Let's all go into the ballroom

# The ballroom beside the sea

# Where the MC calls to the dancers

# "Take your partners for the lancers"

# Let's all go into the ballroom

# And we'll have a rare old spree

# Where the girls are found

# Tripping it round and round

# In the ballroom beside the sea

# Let's all go into the ballroom

# And we'll have a rare old spree

# Where the girls are found

# Tripping it round and round

# In the ballroom In the ballroom

# In the ballroom beside the sea. #

# I am longing for someone to kiss me

# And every day my longing's growing stronger

HARSHLY: # If something doesn't happen soon

# I don't know what I'll do!

# Because I can't go on longing much longer. #

Oh, I really would love somebody new to love me.

But you know, I do have a beau. Oh, yes, he plays with the Philharmonic.

He deals the cards in the interval.

You see...

# He's my musician

# He only plays for me

# He's my musician

# I know he'll never be a star

# He doesn't play the guitar

# He's all fingers and thumbs When it comes

# To piccolos and fifes and drums

# The saxophone

# He doesn't own

# A xylophone

# Or a slide trombone

# He's got no feel For a glockenspiel

# My ding-a-ling love

# But he's wild when he does his thing

# He plays the spoons

# I said the spoons

# Hee!

# Polka and even ragtime tunes

# He plays like this

# And sometimes this

# And even...

# Whoo!

# I'm screaming spoons

# I play them, too

# He taught me how

# Now what do I do?

# I tell ya, other girls sit down and plan a sunny honeymoon

# I sit around with my man and play the spoons

# Oh!

# Wow!

# Oh! No harpsichord

# He can't afford

# Beneath his chin

# No violin

# Oh, he's no good with the woodwind

# And a trumpeter he's not

# But he's mine

# And he's all I've got!

# Whoo!

# No clarinet

# Not even chopsticks yet!

# Flutes, euphoniums and harps and oboes and bassoons

# So tell me why

# Oh, why do I

# Why do I get the guy who plays the spoons?

# Da-da li-da-da Oh, yeah! #

# How'd you like to spoon... #

Wow!

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

# Sit beneath an oak tree large and shady... #

You know we've got to stop meeting like this, don't you?

# Oh, how'd you like to hug and squeeze?

# Dangle me upon your knees?

# Oh, how'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

# Oh, how'd you like to spoon with me?

# Whoo!

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

# Sit beneath an oak tree large and shady

# Calling me your tootsie-wootsie baby?

# How'd you like to hug and squeeze?

# Dangle me upon your knees?

# How'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

# How'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?

# How'd you like to spoon

# Underneath the moon?

# How'd you like to spoon with me? #

Oh!

Whoo!

An Emerald Isle emissary...

eruptibly ebullient in hilariously

uninhibited Hibernicisms...

Ooh!

Irish jokes!

..Mr Pat Mooney!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Leonard! Nice to see you.

Oh, begorrah! Oh! That's great.

Great to see yous. God, yous look lovely.

You know I'm Irish, don't you?

HE LAUGHS

This Irish fella was lying in bed,

and a plane crashed into his bedroom window.

And he sat up in bed. He says,

"Mother of God, I must've left the landing lights on."

A RIPPLE OF APPLAUSE

This Irish cruise ship was crossing the Atlantic,

and the captain comes on the Tannoy.

He says, "We've just crossed the Atlantic in four-and-a-half days."

And Murphy the bosun said, "Is that a record?"

The captain says, "No, it's me talking."

It's not fair, all these jokes

they tell about us poor Irish fellas, is it?

Oh, these fellas over here in England telling me jokes,

like "Did you hear about the Irish tug-of-war team?

"Got disqualified for pushing." It's not right, is it? No.

This Irish fella went to a building site for a job, and the

foreman said to him, "You're a big, strong, strapping Irish fella.

"You can start. You get paid a week on Friday."

Murphy says, "Right, I'll start a week on Thursday."

So he's...

So he's starting a hole, taking all day long, and he's coming

off the site and he sees this Scottish fella sitting on a tractor.

And he walks over to him, he says, "Excuse me, I've been down that hole

"digging all day, and there's you, fancy,

"sitting on that fancy tractor all day doing

"no work at all except driving

"up and down enjoying yourself. How do you get away with it?"

The Scottish fella says, "Well, we're very intelligent

"and you Irish fellas are a wee bit thick.

"And I'll try and explain it to you.

"See, you ask me any question you like,

"and if I can't answer it, I'll give you a fiver.

"And if you can't answer it, you give me a pound. How's that?"

Murphy says, "Right, I'll go first."

He says, "What's got five heads, three legs, four tails,

"swims underwater and sees in the dark?"

Scottish fella says, "You've got me. There's a fiver. What's the answer?"

Paddy says, "You've got me, as well. There's your pound."

APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

Pat and Mick were walking down a back entry,

and one of them took a lid off a dustbin and a cat jumped out.

Pat said to Mick, "Jaysus,

"fancy anyone throwing away a good cat like that."

HE LAUGHS

But you've been a great audience. I tell you what, if you let me know

where you're working tomorrow, I'll come and laugh at you.

I'd like to leave yous with a thought. And it's a nice thought.

Live every day as if it was your last.

And one day you'll be right.

Goodnight, God bless you. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Goodnight!

Inveigled from operatic ovations...

-Ooh!

-..velutinous in vocalisation...

-Ooh!

..endearingly deliquescent, for your delight,

Soo-Bee Lee!

APPLAUSE

# The sun, whose rays are all ablaze

# With ever-living glory

# Does not deny His Majesty

# He scorns to tell a story

# He don't exclaim, "I blush for shame"

# So kindly be indulgent

# But fierce and bold in fiery gold

# He glories all effulgent

# I mean to rule the earth

# As he the sky

# We really know our worth

# The sun and I

# I want to rule the earth

# As he the sky

# We really know our worth

# The sun and I

# Observe this flame, that placid dame

# The moon's celestial highness

# There's not a trace upon her face

# Of diffidence or shyness

# She borrows light that through the night

# Mankind may all acclaim her

# And, truth to tell, she lights up well

# So I for one don't blame her

# Ah, pray, make no mistake

# We are not shy

# We're very wide awake

# The moon and I

# Ah, pray, make no mistake

# We are not shy

# We're very wide awake

# The moon and I. #

APPLAUSE

From the Netherlands, vertiginous in violinistic virtuosity...

Mr Francis van Dyck!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Whoo!

HIGH NOTES SOUND LIKE BIRDSONG

PLUCKED VIOLIN NOTE AND BAND FLOURISH

BAND FLOURISH ONLY

HIGH NOTES SOUND LIKE LAUGHTER

LIKE BIRDSONG

LIKE LAUGHTER

LIKE LOUDER LAUGHTER

BOW SCRATCHES AGAINST WOOD Ooh!

A-one, two, three, four.

CHEERING

-From Germany, an esoteric extravaganza...

-Ooh!

-..of equilibristic...

-Ooh!

-..equipoise...

-Ooh!

Balancing.

..Bartschelly!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

DRUM ROLL

APPLAUSE

DRUM ROLL CONTINUES

Our cosmopolitanism incorporates

-Caledonian canorousness...

-Ooh!

Scottish singing.

-..for your participatory reciprocity...

-Ooh!

..your own, your very own

Mr Kenneth McKellar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# My pretty Jane, my pretty Jane

# Ah, never, never look so shy

# But meet me, meet me in the evening

# While the bloom is on the rye

# The spring is waning fast, my love

# The corn is in the ear

# The summer nights are coming, love

# The moon shines bright and clear

# Then, pretty Jane, my dearest Jane

# Ah, never look so shy

# But meet me, meet me in the evening

# While the bloom...

# ..is on the rye. #

Thank you! Thank you very much.

# A far croonin' is pullin' me away

# As take I wi' my cromach to the road

# The far Cuillins are puttin' love on me

# As step I wi' the sunlight for my load

# Sure by Tummel and Loch Rannoch and Lochaber I will go

# By heather tracks wi' heaven in their wile

# If it's thinkin' in your inner heart the braggart's in my step

# You've never smelt the tangle o' the Isle

# The far Cuillins are puttin' love on me

# As step I wi' my cromach to the Isle. #

# Speed, bonnie boat, like a bird on the wing

# "Onward!" the sailors cry

# Carry the lad that's born to be King

# Over the sea to Skye

# Loud the winds howl, loud the waves roar

# Thunderclaps rend the air

# Baffled, our foes stand by the shore

# Follow they will not dare

# Speed, bonnie boat, like a bird on the wing

# "Onward!" the sailors cry

# Carry the lad that's born to be King

# Over the sea to Skye. #

# The northern lights of old Aberdeen

# Mean home, sweet home to me

# The northern lights of Aberdeen

# Are all I long to see

# I've been a wanderer all my life

# And many a sight I've seen

# Godspeed the day when I'm on my way

# To my home in Aberdeen

# Godpseed the day when I'm on my way

# To my home in Aberdeen! #

# For we're no' awa' tae bide awa'

# For we're no' awa' tae le'e ye

# We're no' awa' tae bide awa'

# We'll aye come back an' see ye

# For we're no' awa' tae bide awa'

# We're no' awa' tae le'e ye

# For we're no' awa' tae bide awa'

# We'll aye come back an' see ye! #

CHEERING

-A filibustering fanfarony...

-Ooh!

-..of frenetically far-fetched facetii...

-Ooh!

..the one and only...

Mr Ken Dodd!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

BAND INTRO DROWNS OUT SPEECH

I'll show you! Here we go!

By Jove! There's more!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to say how tickled I am, how...

Oh, missus, how full of plumptiousness... Yes.

They can't touch you for it, love.

Don't even wash your hands or cut your nails.

Tonight... Where's Ablett? Ablett?

This is my butler, ladies and gentlemen.

There you are, Ablett, take it away. Take it to be soled and heeled.

Right... First of all, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to say how tickled I am, missus, how discomknockerated to...

..how...

how completely goolified I feel standing here tonight. I...

Well, no, you're allowed to say that, sir. Goolified.

Oh, yes. If you're from Goole, that is, of course.

Unfortunately, I'm not from Goole.

I'm from Knutsford. Still, it's... How...

And what an audience. By Jove, where else can you find

an audience like this, except at Madame Tussauds?

There's... Have a good look at yourselves.

Looks like a pop-up history book.

All of you dear ladies and gentlemen

who have been to the nearly-new shop.

Cos when you come to the theatre, folks,

you don't just watch the show, you're in it. This is show business.

Ah, what a thrill! This business of spangles and tights...

You sit in your dressing room with the door half-open, and going past

the corridor you see a flash of pink thigh with some ostrich feathers.

And that's only the firemen when they light the boiler.

No, missus, you can't beat the theatre, can you, ladies?

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't beat coming to live theatre, can you?

-No!

-Of course. It's always better in the flesh, isn't it, ladies?

-Yes!

Oh, every... Ooh, pleasures of the flesh!

Ooh, pleasures of the flesh!

-Let's hear you all say it.

-Pleasures of the flesh!

I always...

Y'see, I always think I'm very fortunate with my looks, because...

..I'm behind 'em.

This...

I've discovered that my brain is different than anybody else's.

You see? I have a natural bent. And...

Yes. I'm also a one-off. I've...

I've seen the doctor,

and he said there's nothing he can do about it, so...

No, I am a mentalist.

I've discovered I'm a mentalist and I can read your thoughts.

And, yes, I am going off soon.

Telepathy. Telepathy. What is your name, madam? What's your name?

-Pardon?

-Ivy.

Correct. Now, this is...

APPLAUSE

I have got this wonderful scientific instrument which Ablett is going to

show me here, ladies and gentlemen, and this evening I want to...

You've probably never seen one of these. This is a new invention.

This was invented by a man in America,

a little baldy-headed fella called Kodak.

And he has invented this...

..machine for taking likenesses,

for taking photographs, you see, ladies and gentlemen.

As you'll see here, I have a collapsible tripod.

It happens to...

It's a common complaint amongst men of my age.

This... This, you see...

Could I have the...? I want you to watch the birdie here. Now... Right.

Now...this...

"Get out of it!"

"Who's a pretty boy?"

I want to take this commemorative picture,

so if you just smile and show your teeth...

If the people at the back would like to pass them

down, I'll show them for you.

Right, what else have we got here? Oh, the... Wait a minute, hang on.

Right, give us the...

Now, I shall have to go into this cloth for about ten seconds

while I count ten.

I'd like to go under there longer, but I'm afraid of the dark.

Oh! Hang on a minute.

Now, I do have a little hand-operated flash.

What are you going to do with that? Oh, I see. Yes!

Now, if you would, dear, I'd like you...

Would you like to hold this for me, dear?

Would you like to stand up, missus?

Stand up and face the ladies and gentlemen and just hold that there.

I promise you there's nothing to be afraid of.

It's just like a small atomic bomb.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Have you ever done anything like this before?

Same here. Right. Now...

This... Right. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Yes. There we are.

Now, wait a minute, we'll take a picture of the...

Hold it right up there, because... Smile, ladies and gentlemen.

That's it. HE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Right!

Was that it?

Give it here. HE LAUGHS

You're not used to giving a flash, are you?

Right, now, can you say cheese, madam? Can you say cheese?

Would you go to the pub next door and get me a sandwich, love?

No, this evening's audience, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to say that tonight's audience, you...

..you are just like a beautiful garden, all these beautiful ladies.

-And tonight, after all, is romantic night. Isn't it, ladies?

-Yes.

All over Britain tonight, romantic, frisky girls just like you

are sitting up in bed saying, "'Arry?"

HE SNORES

"'Arry!" HE SNORES

"Oh, all right, then. Charlie?"

Because...

Because we have a...

Because we have a floral audience

tonight, ladies and gentlemen, what about a light baritone song?

I am 11 stone two wringing wet.

Sir Bernard, could we have The Floral Dance?

LOUDLY: # Ohhh... #

Ooh! Sorry!

# As I walked home on a summer's night

# When the stars in heaven were shining bright

# Far away from the footlights' glare... #

I'm dribbling, as well.

# Into the sweet and scented air... #

That's funny.

# Of a quaint old Cornish town

# Borne from afar on the gentle breeze

# Soft as the murmur of summer seas

# Distant tones of an old-world dance

# Played by the gasworks band, perchance

# On the calm air came float...

# ..ing!

# Down

# I thought I could hear the spurious tone

# Of a cornet, clarinet and big trombone

# Fiddle, cello THREE CYMBAL CRASHES

# Flute, bassoon and euphonium

# Far away, as in a trance

# I heard the sound of the floral dance. #

# Tiddlywinks, old man Suck a lemon if you can

# If you can't suck a lemon Suck an old tin can. #

Come on now. Tha' knows.

# And soon I heard such a bustling and prancing

# And then I saw the whole village was dancing

# H'in and h'out of the houses they came

# Old folk, young folk, all the same

# In that quaint old Cornish town

# Every boy took a girl by the waist

# And hurried her h'off in tremendous haste

# Whether they knew one another I care not

# Whether they cared for one another I knew not

# But they kissed as they danced along

# They danced to the band with the spurious tone

# Of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone

# Fiddle, fiddle THREE CYMBAL CRASHES

# Flute, bassoon, euphonium

# Each one making the most of his chance

# All together in the floral dance. #

# Auntie Mary had a canary... #

Come on!

# I felt so lonely standing there

# And I could only stand and swear... #

"Stare"! Sorry, sir.

# For I had no friend with me

# Lonely I would have to be

# In that quaint old Cornish town

# When suddenly, hurrying down the lane

# A figure I knew I saw quite plain... #

Twas Fanny from the fish shop!

# With outstretched arms I rushed along

# And carried her in to that merry throng... #

Up and over, Fanny! Show 'em what you're made of! Hawey!

# And I fiddled HE LAUGHS

# When dancing along

# We danced to the band with the spurious tone

# Of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone

# Fiddle, cello THREE CYMBAL CRASHES

# Flute, bassoon, euphonium

# Each one making the most of his chance

# All together with the floral dance

# Dancing here, dancing there

# Jigging, jogging everywhere

# Up and down around the town

# All for the Cornish floral dance! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Our jubilee series concludes with, magnificent in monetary melodies...

Ooh!

..the Players Theatre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# We are the toast of merry Monaco

# Known to all the visitors who go

# To the old casino, a delight!

# We enjoy our Pinot day and night

# Gamblers from Chicago to Berlin

# Chance their fortunes, hoping for a win

# Hearts beat fast with every single bet

# At chemin or at dice or at roulette

# Jack, queen or king, the cards are so inviting

# Gambling's the thing, we find it so exciting

# Quaffing champagne, we put on such a show

# We'll break the bank or lose our last franc before we go. #

-BOYS:

-# When a bad, bad boy like me

# Meets a good, good girl like you

-GIRLS:

-# Well, the good little maid is a bit afraid

# And wonders what on earth to do

# If the bad, bad boy should speak

# Will the good, good girl reply?

# Well, it rather depends

# If the good girl's friends

# Are anywhere at all close by

# Such a bad, bad boy

# Such a good, good girl

ALL: # Oh, they do make a curious pair

# Though the good girl may Turn her head away

# Still she knows that the bad boy's there

# If the bad boy walks By her side and talks

# Will she snub him, as a maiden should?

# Well, I think he's a lad

# Who is not so very bad

# And I'm not a bit too good

# No, we're not a bit too good! #

# As I walk along the Bois de Boulogne

# With an independent air

# You can hear the girls declare

# He must be a millionaire!

# You can hear them sigh and wish to die

# You can see them wink the other eye

# At the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo

# As I walk along the Bois de Boulogne

# With an independent air

# You can hear the girls declare

# He must be a millionaire!

# You can hear them sigh and wish to die

# You can see them wink the other eye

# At the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo. #

Head for the table!

# Jack, queen or king, the cards are so inviting

# Gambling's the thing, we find it so exciting

# Quaffing champagne, we put on such a show

# We'll win the bank or lose our last franc before we go

# We'll break the bank or lose our last franc before we go! #

-Yeah!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now there's just time to ask Mr Ken Dodd to lead the company

and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ken Dodd, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But this time, chiefly...

Yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush Da-da da-da-da

# Come, come, have some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band Da da-da da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH MUSIC