20/08/1980 The Good Old Days


20/08/1980

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme, first shown on 20 August 1980. Featuring Ted Durante & Hilda, Sheila Buxton, Billy Dainty, Liz Robertson and Arthur Askey.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

# I'll be your sweetheart

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# If you will be mine

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# All my life

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# I'll be your Valentine

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# Bluebells I've gathered

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# Keep them and be true

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# When I'm a man, my plan will be to marry you. #

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APPLAUSE

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# Come with me, come to the ball

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# Music and merriment call

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# Golden and gay are the lamps above

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# Every tune is a song of love

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# All of you come to the ball

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# There will be welcome for all

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# Chance for a dance and romance

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# At the ball

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# At the ball

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# Casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde

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# And the band played on

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# He'd glide cross the floor with the girl he adored

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# And the band played on

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# But his brain was so loaded it nearly exploded

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# The poor girl would shake with alarm

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# He'd ne'er leave the girl with the strawberry curls

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# And the band played on

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# She sang like a nightingale, twanged her guitar

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# Danced the Cachuca, smoked a cigar

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# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face

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# And she did the Fandango all over the place

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# She sang like a nightingale, twanged her guitar

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# Danced the Cachuca, smoked a cigar

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# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face

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# And she did the Fandango all over the place

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# You should see me dance the Polka

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# You should see me cover the ground

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# You should see my coat-tails flying

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# As I jump my partner round

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# When the band commences playing

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# My feet begin to go

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# For a rollicking romping Polka

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# Is the jolliest dance I know

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# For a rollicking romping Polka

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# Is the jolliest fun I know. #

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Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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Circumlocutarily...

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Asseverating in super abundant superlative.

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Alliterations encompassing initially titanic entanglements...

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..inherent in Herculean hilarities.

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Mr Ted Durante and Hilda.

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Danke schon, Herman.

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Herman de break de foot.

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Over the Welsh, please.

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Beautiful.

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Cloud!

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Voila!

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Danke schon.

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Good girl.

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Madam...

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Madam, will you kiss it better?

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Madam!

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More?

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More?

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More?

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Cloud!

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Champagne.

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Danke schon.

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Back! Back!

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Back!

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Please, move!

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Get back!

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Proust, schtoll.

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Very dry.

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Nein. Not plunger in the jacksie, nein!

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What is the plumber with this jacksies?

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Right... Where's the mark?

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Like that.

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Twit!

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Clumsy twit!

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Yes, they are rather more than just good friends.

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Inveigling in inveterate, verve and vivacity,

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irrepressibly ebullient Miss Sheila Buxton.

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# Put your arms around me, honey, hold me tight

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# Huddle up and cuddle up with all your might

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# Oh! Oh! Won't you roll those eyes?

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# Eyes that I just idolise

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# When they look at me, my heart begins to float

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# Then it starts a rockin' like a motor boat

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# Oh! Oh! I never knew any boy like you

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# Oh, baby, put your arms around me, honey,

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# Hold me tight

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# Huddle up and cuddle up with all your might

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# Oh! Oh! Won't you roll those eyes?

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# Eyes that I just idolise

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# When they look at me, my heart begins to float

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# Then it starts a rockin' like a motor boat

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# Oh! Oh! I never knew

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# Any boy like you. #

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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# Everybody loves a baby that's why I'm in love with you

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# Pretty baby, pretty baby

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# Now I'd like to be your sister, brother, dad and mother too

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# Pretty baby, pretty baby

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# Won't you come and let me rock you in my cradle of love

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# And we'll cuddle all the time

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# Now, I want a lovin' baby, and it might as well be you

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# Pretty baby of mine

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# Pretty baby of mine

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# Come sweetheart mine, don't sit and pine

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# Tell me of the cares that make you feel so blue

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# What have I done?

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# Answer me, hun

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# Have I ever said an unkind word to you?

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# My love is true and just for you

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# I'd do anything, my dear, you know, for you

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# Dear, when you sigh

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# And when you cry

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# Something seems to grip this little heart of mine

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# So, come to me

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# My melancholy baby

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# Won't you cuddle up

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# And don't you dare be blue

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# Cos all your fears are foolish

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# They're fancy, baby

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# You know, dear, I'm so in love with you

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# And every cloud must have a silver lining

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# Why don't you wait until that sun, that sun shines through

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# Come on and smile, my honey dear

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# Then I'll kiss away each tear

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# Or else I shall be

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# Melancholy too

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# Baby face

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# You've got the cutest little baby face

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# There's not another one could take your place

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# Baby face

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# My poor heart's jumping

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# You sure have started something

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# Baby face

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# I'm in heaven when I'm in your fond embrace

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# I never need no shove

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# I fell in love

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# With your pretty baby, here we go

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# Baby face

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# You've got the cutest little baby face

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# There's not another one could take your place

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# My baby face My poor heart's jumping

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# Baby face

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# I'm in heaven when I'm in your fond embrace

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# I never need no shove I fell in love

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# With your pretty little baby face

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# Such a pretty baby

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# Your pretty little baby face. #

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Paramount pre-eminence

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of Parisian prestidigitation.

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A French conjuror.

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Mesdames et Messieurs...

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Le Bureau Lunere. Gambin!

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Frolicsome, fatuities, facetiously

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flaunted in maritime mischievousness.

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Mr Billy Dainty.

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# Many years before the war we used to go away

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# And spend a jolly time beside the sea

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# But then the railway fares went up

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# And we had to stay at home because we hadn't got the LSD

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# But Father had a good idea

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# To make the house look... gay

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You're not supposed to know what that means.

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# With railway posters pasted on each wall

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# Every...

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# Every room has a lovely view from Deal to Donegal

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# So we never want to go at all...

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I beat you then.

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# Oh, seaside posters round the home

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# Never bought a journey...

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# There's Brighton in the bathroom

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# And Papa he feels the swell

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# Because he cuts his toenails outside the Metropole Hotel

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# Now there's Plymouth in the pantry

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# And Yarmouth in the yard

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# And Bournemouth's somewhere at the back

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# And in the little parlour

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# Where the girls all love to chat

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# There's Clacton with the accent on the clack. #

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I used to love going to Clacton, you know.

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You used to dive off the pier and do those...

0:27:350:27:38

-Mr Chairman, did you see what the lady did?

-No!

-Pardon?

-NO!

-Oh.

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Well, I was doing the over and my leg flew out like that.

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My leg went up like that. She went straight up out of the seat.

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That's all some people come in for, isn't it?

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If you like, Madam, I will come down there and model the costume for you.

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APPLAUSE

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There we are, Madam. Is that what's...

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Is that what's turning you on?

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You wouldn't think I was once a seven-and-a-half stone...

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Pardon?

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It's hard to believe, isn't it?

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I was once seven-and-a-half stone. Mind you, I was three years old

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at the time.

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I've not been fed yet.

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Not too close.

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Seven-and-a-half stone.

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I've been on one of those courses. Builder body.

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You want to build your body? Wrestle, that's the thing to do.

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I love watching them, don't you?

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Have you seen those wrestlers, look like ballet dancers with mumps.

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Takes a long time, the sound to get back...

0:29:130:29:15

Any woman here tonight fancies a bit of grunt and groan?

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Then afterwards we'd probably wrestle.

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Any woman? What about you, ma'am? Do you fancy trying to make me submit?

0:29:300:29:36

I'm anybody's for a boiled sweet.

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Any young lady who fancies...?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:450:29:48

I can't get this off.

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Taste that.

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HE LAUGHS Oh, dear!

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Well, that's good. I've forgotten where I am now.

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Mind you, I love going on the beach with this, you know.

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You see some funny sights on the beach, don't you? Yes?

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I thought I'd get in before you did.

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But the funniest sight you can ever see on a beach is somebody

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trying to get their costume off under a towel.

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Have you ever seen it?

0:30:380:30:39

But you know...

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..the worst sight I ever saw.

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No, don't laugh. This is very serious, this.

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This little old lady - there she was, on the beach,

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in the middle of this beach, just there.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ahh!

-But it's too late.

0:30:570:30:59

Sounds like sympathy.

0:30:590:31:00

All she had on was a towel. A towel, over her head.

0:31:020:31:07

Not a stitch of clothing on.

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Not a stitch of clothing on. Raining, just a towel over her head.

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I went up to her, said, "Love, love! People can see everything."

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She said, "Don't worry, I'm 75, my hat's brand-new."

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# Oh, the seaside posters round the home

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# Never from our doorstep shall we roam

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# There's Worthing in the cellar

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# Where we keep the bottled stout

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# And Father often goes in there to watch the tide go out

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# We've got pictures of the Isle of Wight along the garden path

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# From Totland Bay to Ventnor's golden shore

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# And when the milkman calls and leaves his cans upon the step

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# You could almost think that Cowes was at the door. #

0:32:000:32:03

Thank you!

0:32:040:32:05

Missum eloquence enhancing

0:32:210:32:25

exotically elegant euphonies.

0:32:250:32:29

For your delectation, Miss Liz Robertson!

0:32:290:32:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:350:32:37

SHE SINGS IN FRENCH

0:32:470:32:49

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:000:34:02

# Don't be afraid I'll betray you

0:34:150:34:19

# And destroy all the plans you have made

0:34:190:34:24

# But even your dreams must leave room for my schemes

0:34:240:34:29

# So when all I owe to you is paid

0:34:290:34:35

# I'll still have something of my own

0:34:350:34:40

# A little prize that's mine alone

0:34:400:34:44

# I'll follow my secret heart

0:34:460:34:52

# My whole life through

0:34:520:34:58

# I'll keep all my dreams apart

0:34:580:35:04

# Till one comes true

0:35:040:35:09

# No matter what price is paid

0:35:090:35:14

# What stars may fade above

0:35:140:35:22

# I'll follow my secret heart

0:35:220:35:28

# Till I find...

0:35:280:35:34

# ..love. #

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APPLAUSE

0:35:410:35:43

Garrulously...

0:35:560:35:58

..gregarious.

0:36:000:36:01

Ever engagingly endearing.

0:36:010:36:05

My own, your own, everybody's own...

0:36:050:36:09

Arthur Askey!

0:36:090:36:12

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:36:120:36:14

Thank you.

0:36:260:36:27

Thank you.

0:36:310:36:33

What a lovely reception.

0:36:390:36:41

You've made a happy man feel very old.

0:36:420:36:45

No, that's wrong, wait a minute...

0:36:460:36:48

Anyway, this is the little song that I sang in the pantomime.

0:36:480:36:53

Thank you, Bernard.

0:36:530:36:54

CLEARS THROAT If you don't mind...

0:36:540:36:56

# What's the use of being miserable?

0:37:020:37:05

# What's the use of feeling blue?

0:37:050:37:08

# I'm going to alter all that

0:37:100:37:14

# I'll tell you what we'll do

0:37:140:37:16

# Come on, everybody We're going to sing

0:37:180:37:22

# Louder and louder and louder

0:37:220:37:25

# Oi!

0:37:250:37:26

# Never mind the rafters We'll make them ring

0:37:260:37:29

# Louder and louder and louder

0:37:290:37:32

# Oi!

0:37:320:37:33

# Let's all be jolly girls and boys

0:37:330:37:37

# Open up your throttles and make a noise

0:37:370:37:41

# Come on, everybody We're going to sing

0:37:410:37:45

# Louder and louder and louder

0:37:450:37:48

# Oi! #

0:37:480:37:49

You've got it! That's the idea!

0:37:490:37:51

Now, we'll do it once again, playmates, and I'll do all the work,

0:37:510:37:54

and all I want you to do is what you were doing then.

0:37:540:37:57

Louder and louder and louder... Oi!

0:37:570:38:01

See, like that? It's a good song, isn't it, eh?

0:38:010:38:03

It was sung originally by Harry Louder, so we'll see...

0:38:040:38:07

LAUGHTER

0:38:070:38:09

We'll see how it goes for the second time, are you ready?

0:38:090:38:11

Righto, Bernard!

0:38:110:38:13

# Come on, everybody We're going to sing

0:38:140:38:18

# Louder and louder and louder

0:38:180:38:21

# Oi!

0:38:210:38:22

# Never mind the rafters We'll make them ring

0:38:220:38:25

# Louder and louder and louder

0:38:250:38:28

# Oi!

0:38:280:38:29

# Let's all be jolly girls and boys

0:38:290:38:33

# Open up your throttles and make a noise

0:38:330:38:37

# Come on, everybody We're going to sing

0:38:370:38:40

# Louder and louder and louder

0:38:400:38:43

# Oi!

0:38:430:38:44

# And louder and louder... #

0:38:460:38:50

Thank you!

0:38:530:38:54

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:540:38:56

Thank you.

0:39:030:39:05

Oh! Oh, look at that!

0:39:050:39:08

If I could stoop down, I'd pick those up!

0:39:090:39:11

I'm going to sing you one of my own songs now, playmates,

0:39:150:39:18

not that chorus song. This is one... You remember the old days

0:39:180:39:21

when I used to sing songs about insects or birds?

0:39:210:39:24

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:39:240:39:26

Well, now, tonight I'm going to sing you

0:39:260:39:28

the original of all these silly little songs.

0:39:280:39:30

Guess what it's called. AUDIENCE SHOUTS

0:39:300:39:32

Oh, you can see the music!

0:39:320:39:34

No, The Bee Song.

0:39:350:39:36

D'you know, I sang that at my first command performance,

0:39:360:39:40

and the Queen loved it.

0:39:400:39:42

Prince Albert didn't care for it much,

0:39:420:39:44

but the Queen thought it was fine.

0:39:440:39:46

Anyway, off we go...

0:39:460:39:47

# Bzz-zz-zz!

0:39:510:39:53

# Bzz-zz-zz!

0:39:530:39:55

# Oh, what a glorious thing to be

0:39:550:39:57

# A healthy, grown-up, busy-busy bee

0:39:570:40:00

# Whiling away the passing hours

0:40:000:40:02

# Pinching all the pollen from the cauliflowers

0:40:020:40:04

# I'd like to be a busy-busy bee

0:40:040:40:07

# Being just as busy as a bee can be

0:40:070:40:09

# Flying round the garden, the sweetest ever seen

0:40:090:40:11

# Taking back the honey to the dear old queen

0:40:110:40:14

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz Honey bee, honey bee

0:40:140:40:16

# Bzz if you like but don't sting me!

0:40:160:40:18

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz Honey bee, honey bee

0:40:180:40:21

# Bzz if you like but don't sting me!

0:40:210:40:23

# Bzz-zz-zz! Bzz... #

0:40:230:40:26

Oh, God... LAUGHTER

0:40:260:40:28

# Oh, what a glorious thing to be

0:40:280:40:30

# A healthy, grown up, busy-busy bee

0:40:300:40:32

# Making hay while time is right

0:40:320:40:34

# Building up the honeycomb just like tripe

0:40:340:40:37

# I'd like to be a busy-busy bee

0:40:370:40:39

# Being just as busy as a bee can be

0:40:390:40:41

# Flying all around the wild hedgerows

0:40:410:40:44

# Stinging all the cows upon the parson's nose

0:40:440:40:46

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz Honey bee, honey bee

0:40:460:40:48

# Bzz if you like but don't sting me!

0:40:480:40:51

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz, honey... Bzz... #

0:40:510:40:53

Oh, God...

0:40:530:40:54

LAUGHTER

0:40:540:40:57

Silly bee song, innit?

0:40:570:40:58

# Oh, what a glorious thing to be

0:41:000:41:02

# A nice obedient busy-busy bee

0:41:020:41:04

# To be a good bee one must contrive

0:41:040:41:07

# For bees in a beehive must bee-have

0:41:070:41:09

# But maybe I wouldn't be a bee

0:41:090:41:12

# Bees are all right when alive, you see

0:41:120:41:14

# When bees die, you really should see 'em

0:41:140:41:16

# Pinned on a card in a dirty museum

0:41:160:41:19

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz Honey bee, honey bee

0:41:190:41:21

# Bzz if you like, don't sting me!

0:41:210:41:23

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz, honey bee, honey bee

0:41:230:41:26

# Bzz if you... #

0:41:260:41:27

I must buzz off.

0:41:300:41:32

# Buzz if you like but don't sting me. #

0:41:320:41:35

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:41:360:41:38

Now the songs of Miss Kate Carney, from the Players Theatre

0:42:000:42:05

plus Miss Norma Dunbar!

0:42:050:42:09

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:090:42:11

# East end, west end

0:42:240:42:27

# All around the town

0:42:270:42:30

# The kids play Ring-a-Rosie

0:42:300:42:33

# London Bridge is falling down!

0:42:330:42:38

# Boys and girls together

0:42:380:42:41

# Me and Charlie Brown

0:42:410:42:45

# Trip the light fantastic

0:42:450:42:47

# On the streets of London town!

0:42:470:42:51

# Good morning, Mr Postman

0:42:510:42:55

# Have you brought any letters for me?

0:42:550:42:58

# Have you brought any letters for me?

0:42:580:43:02

# Cos I'm longing for one, can't you see?

0:43:020:43:06

# If you haven't got one

0:43:060:43:09

# Then I will be very sore

0:43:090:43:12

# Cos me heart goes pitter-patter When I hear your rat-a-tat

0:43:120:43:16

# When you come knocking at me do-ho-hor!

0:43:160:43:20

# When you come knocking at me door

0:43:200:43:23

# For when you're living down in Poverty Street

0:43:230:43:28

-# Down in the street

-Nobody knocks at your door

0:43:280:43:32

# Nobody knocks at your door

0:43:320:43:34

# When you're living down in Poverty Street

0:43:340:43:38

-# Down in the street

-Folks all know you're poor

0:43:380:43:42

# Lots of folks all know you're poor

0:43:420:43:44

# But when your bit of silver turns into gold

0:43:440:43:49

-# Turns into gold

-It drives away all cares

0:43:490:43:53

# Away all cares

0:43:530:43:54

# And then you'll find that everybody's knocking at your door

0:43:540:43:59

# When you're living in Golden Square

0:43:590:44:04

# And then you'll find that everybody's knocking at your door

0:44:040:44:09

# When you're living in Golden Square

0:44:090:44:14

# But when summer comes again

0:44:170:44:20

# And the pretty flowers are growing

0:44:200:44:24

# The sunshine after rain

0:44:240:44:27

# The summer breezes blowing

0:44:270:44:31

# And to roam around the country

0:44:310:44:35

# With a boy that's ever willing

0:44:350:44:39

# I can buy and I can cry

0:44:390:44:43

SHOUTS: # Three pots a shilling

0:44:430:44:46

# I can buy and I can cry

0:44:460:44:50

# Three pots a shilling

0:44:500:44:53

# Now Mr Peter Henry Glue

0:44:550:44:59

# Came staggering home in such a stew

0:44:590:45:01

# When everyone was sleeping in the square

0:45:010:45:05

# What, with the wintry winds that blew

0:45:050:45:08

# And the wines he drunk, his nose was blue

0:45:080:45:11

# As hanging on the knocker he stood there

0:45:110:45:15

# He shouted... "'Annah! I want to come up to bed"

0:45:150:45:20

# When a head poked out of the bedroom window

0:45:200:45:23

# With a nightcap on and said...

0:45:230:45:28

# No use you calling 'Annah!

0:45:280:45:31

# You ain't coming in tonight

0:45:310:45:35

# You can smoke, smoke, smoke on your Havana

0:45:350:45:39

# Smoke till the broad daylight

0:45:390:45:42

# I can tell you been drinking by your manner

0:45:420:45:46

# It's no use you putting on airs

0:45:460:45:50

# If I open the door I feel quite sure

0:45:500:45:54

# You'll never climb the stairs

0:45:540:45:58

# No use you calling 'Annah

0:45:580:46:01

# You ain't coming in tonight

0:46:010:46:04

# You can smoke, smoke, smoke on your Havana

0:46:040:46:08

# Smoke till the broad daylight

0:46:080:46:12

# I can tell you been drinking by your manner

0:46:120:46:15

# It's no use you putting on airs

0:46:150:46:19

# If I open the door I feel quite sure

0:46:190:46:23

# You'll never climb the stairs

0:46:230:46:27

# Liza, you are my donah

0:46:270:46:30

# You are my little peach

0:46:300:46:34

# Meet me down at the fish shop

0:46:340:46:37

# And I will buy you a pen'north of each

0:46:370:46:40

# Lor luv yer

0:46:400:46:41

# No bloke dare come and kiss you

0:46:410:46:44

# Or for him I shall go

0:46:440:46:48

# If I should lose my temper

0:46:480:46:51

# Then it's what ho, Liza Johnson, yes, what ho!

0:46:510:46:55

# Then it's what ho, Liza Johnson, yes, what ho!

0:46:550:46:59

# Three weeks ago, no longer

0:47:060:47:10

# I was as gay as a bird on the wind

0:47:100:47:14

# But since Bill and me have been parted, you know

0:47:140:47:18

# Life is a blank and it's changed everything

0:47:180:47:24

# I saw him out with another that night

0:47:240:47:29

# No-one could guess how I felt at the sight

0:47:290:47:33

# And with tears in my eyes

0:47:330:47:36

# That I tried to keep back

0:47:360:47:39

# I crept to his side and said

0:47:390:47:46

# Are we to part like this, Bill?

0:47:470:47:53

# Are we to part this way?

0:47:530:47:57

# Who's it to be - her or me?

0:47:580:48:03

# Don't be afraid to say

0:48:030:48:07

# If everything's over between us

0:48:080:48:14

# Don't ever pass me by

0:48:140:48:17

# Cos you and me still friends can be

0:48:180:48:24

# For the sake of the days gone by

0:48:240:48:29

# If everything's over between us

0:48:300:48:35

# Don't ever pass me by

0:48:350:48:40

# Cos you and me still friends can be

0:48:400:48:47

# For the sake of the days gone by! #

0:48:470:48:56

APPLAUSE

0:49:000:49:05

Now, there's just time to ask Mr Arthur Askey to lead the company

0:49:130:49:18

and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

0:49:180:49:20

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:49:200:49:21

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Arthur Askey and the entire company,

0:49:210:49:24

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and indefatigable orchestra!

0:49:240:49:29

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:49:290:49:32

It is time to join in yourself!

0:49:320:49:36

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:49:410:49:44

# Down at The Old Bull and Bush Da-da-da-da-da

0:49:440:49:48

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:49:480:49:52

# Down at The Old Bull and Bush

0:49:520:49:54

# Hear the little German band La-di-da-di-da-da-da

0:49:550:49:59

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:49:590:50:02

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

0:50:020:50:06

# Down at The Old Bull and Bush

0:50:060:50:09

# Bush, Bush! #

0:50:090:50:11

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme, first broadcast on 20 August 1980. Featuring Ted Durante and Hilda, Sheila Buxton, Billy Dainty, Liz Robertson, Arthur Askey and members of the Players' Theatre Group.


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