20/08/1980 The Good Old Days

# I'll be your sweetheart

# If you will be mine

# All my life

# I'll be your Valentine

# Bluebells I've gathered

# Keep them and be true

# When I'm a man, my plan will be to marry you. #

APPLAUSE

# Come with me, come to the ball

# Music and merriment call

# Golden and gay are the lamps above

# Every tune is a song of love

# All of you come to the ball

# There will be welcome for all

# Chance for a dance and romance

# At the ball

# At the ball

# Casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde

# And the band played on

# He'd glide cross the floor with the girl he adored

# And the band played on

# But his brain was so loaded it nearly exploded

# The poor girl would shake with alarm

# He'd ne'er leave the girl with the strawberry curls

# And the band played on

# She sang like a nightingale, twanged her guitar

# Danced the Cachuca, smoked a cigar

# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face

# And she did the Fandango all over the place

# She sang like a nightingale, twanged her guitar

# Danced the Cachuca, smoked a cigar

# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face

# And she did the Fandango all over the place

# You should see me dance the Polka

# You should see me cover the ground

# You should see my coat-tails flying

# As I jump my partner round

# When the band commences playing

# My feet begin to go

# For a rollicking romping Polka

# Is the jolliest dance I know

# For a rollicking romping Polka

# Is the jolliest fun I know. #

Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Circumlocutarily...

Asseverating in super abundant superlative.

Alliterations encompassing initially titanic entanglements...

..inherent in Herculean hilarities.

Mr Ted Durante and Hilda.

Danke schon, Herman.

Herman de break de foot.

Over the Welsh, please.

Beautiful.

Cloud!

Voila!

Danke schon.

Good girl.

Madam...

Madam, will you kiss it better?

Madam!

More?

More?

More?

Cloud!

Champagne.

Danke schon.

Back! Back!

Back!

Please, move!

Get back!

Proust, schtoll.

Very dry.

Nein. Not plunger in the jacksie, nein!

What is the plumber with this jacksies?

Right... Where's the mark?

Like that.

Twit!

Clumsy twit!

Yes, they are rather more than just good friends.

Inveigling in inveterate, verve and vivacity,

irrepressibly ebullient Miss Sheila Buxton.

# Put your arms around me, honey, hold me tight

# Huddle up and cuddle up with all your might

# Oh! Oh! Won't you roll those eyes?

# Eyes that I just idolise

# When they look at me, my heart begins to float

# Then it starts a rockin' like a motor boat

# Oh! Oh! I never knew any boy like you

# Oh, baby, put your arms around me, honey,

# Hold me tight

# Huddle up and cuddle up with all your might

# Oh! Oh! Won't you roll those eyes?

# Eyes that I just idolise

# When they look at me, my heart begins to float

# Then it starts a rockin' like a motor boat

# Oh! Oh! I never knew

# Any boy like you. #

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

# Everybody loves a baby that's why I'm in love with you

# Pretty baby, pretty baby

# Now I'd like to be your sister, brother, dad and mother too

# Pretty baby, pretty baby

# Won't you come and let me rock you in my cradle of love

# And we'll cuddle all the time

# Now, I want a lovin' baby, and it might as well be you

# Pretty baby of mine

# Pretty baby of mine

# Come sweetheart mine, don't sit and pine

# Tell me of the cares that make you feel so blue

# What have I done?

# Answer me, hun

# Have I ever said an unkind word to you?

# My love is true and just for you

# I'd do anything, my dear, you know, for you

# Dear, when you sigh

# And when you cry

# Something seems to grip this little heart of mine

# So, come to me

# My melancholy baby

# Won't you cuddle up

# And don't you dare be blue

# Cos all your fears are foolish

# They're fancy, baby

# You know, dear, I'm so in love with you

# And every cloud must have a silver lining

# Why don't you wait until that sun, that sun shines through

# Come on and smile, my honey dear

# Then I'll kiss away each tear

# Or else I shall be

# Melancholy too

# Baby face

# You've got the cutest little baby face

# There's not another one could take your place

# Baby face

# My poor heart's jumping

# You sure have started something

# Baby face

# I'm in heaven when I'm in your fond embrace

# I never need no shove

# I fell in love

# With your pretty baby, here we go

# Baby face

# You've got the cutest little baby face

# There's not another one could take your place

# My baby face My poor heart's jumping

# Baby face

# I'm in heaven when I'm in your fond embrace

# I never need no shove I fell in love

# With your pretty little baby face

# Such a pretty baby

# Your pretty little baby face. #

Paramount pre-eminence

of Parisian prestidigitation.

A French conjuror.

Mesdames et Messieurs...

Le Bureau Lunere. Gambin!

Frolicsome, fatuities, facetiously

flaunted in maritime mischievousness.

Mr Billy Dainty.

# Many years before the war we used to go away

# And spend a jolly time beside the sea

# But then the railway fares went up

# And we had to stay at home because we hadn't got the LSD

# But Father had a good idea

# To make the house look... gay

You're not supposed to know what that means.

# With railway posters pasted on each wall

# Every...

# Every room has a lovely view from Deal to Donegal

# So we never want to go at all...

I beat you then.

# Oh, seaside posters round the home

# Never bought a journey...

# There's Brighton in the bathroom

# And Papa he feels the swell

# Because he cuts his toenails outside the Metropole Hotel

# Now there's Plymouth in the pantry

# And Yarmouth in the yard

# And Bournemouth's somewhere at the back

# And in the little parlour

# Where the girls all love to chat

# There's Clacton with the accent on the clack. #

I used to love going to Clacton, you know.

You used to dive off the pier and do those...

-Mr Chairman, did you see what the lady did?

-No!

-Pardon?

-NO!

-Oh.

Well, I was doing the over and my leg flew out like that.

My leg went up like that. She went straight up out of the seat.

That's all some people come in for, isn't it?

If you like, Madam, I will come down there and model the costume for you.

APPLAUSE

There we are, Madam. Is that what's...

Is that what's turning you on?

You wouldn't think I was once a seven-and-a-half stone...

Pardon?

It's hard to believe, isn't it?

I was once seven-and-a-half stone. Mind you, I was three years old

at the time.

I've not been fed yet.

Not too close.

Seven-and-a-half stone.

I've been on one of those courses. Builder body.

You want to build your body? Wrestle, that's the thing to do.

I love watching them, don't you?

Have you seen those wrestlers, look like ballet dancers with mumps.

Takes a long time, the sound to get back...

Any woman here tonight fancies a bit of grunt and groan?

Then afterwards we'd probably wrestle.

Any woman? What about you, ma'am? Do you fancy trying to make me submit?

I'm anybody's for a boiled sweet.

Any young lady who fancies...?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I can't get this off.

Taste that.

HE LAUGHS Oh, dear!

Well, that's good. I've forgotten where I am now.

Mind you, I love going on the beach with this, you know.

You see some funny sights on the beach, don't you? Yes?

I thought I'd get in before you did.

But the funniest sight you can ever see on a beach is somebody

trying to get their costume off under a towel.

Have you ever seen it?

But you know...

..the worst sight I ever saw.

No, don't laugh. This is very serious, this.

This little old lady - there she was, on the beach,

in the middle of this beach, just there.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ahh!

-But it's too late.

Sounds like sympathy.

All she had on was a towel. A towel, over her head.

Not a stitch of clothing on.

Not a stitch of clothing on. Raining, just a towel over her head.

I went up to her, said, "Love, love! People can see everything."

She said, "Don't worry, I'm 75, my hat's brand-new."

# Oh, the seaside posters round the home

# Never from our doorstep shall we roam

# There's Worthing in the cellar

# Where we keep the bottled stout

# And Father often goes in there to watch the tide go out

# We've got pictures of the Isle of Wight along the garden path

# From Totland Bay to Ventnor's golden shore

# And when the milkman calls and leaves his cans upon the step

# You could almost think that Cowes was at the door. #

Thank you!

Missum eloquence enhancing

exotically elegant euphonies.

For your delectation, Miss Liz Robertson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE SINGS IN FRENCH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Don't be afraid I'll betray you

# And destroy all the plans you have made

# But even your dreams must leave room for my schemes

# So when all I owe to you is paid

# I'll still have something of my own

# A little prize that's mine alone

# I'll follow my secret heart

# My whole life through

# I'll keep all my dreams apart

# Till one comes true

# No matter what price is paid

# What stars may fade above

# I'll follow my secret heart

# Till I find...

# ..love. #

APPLAUSE

Garrulously...

..gregarious.

Ever engagingly endearing.

My own, your own, everybody's own...

Arthur Askey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you.

What a lovely reception.

You've made a happy man feel very old.

No, that's wrong, wait a minute...

Anyway, this is the little song that I sang in the pantomime.

Thank you, Bernard.

CLEARS THROAT If you don't mind...

# What's the use of being miserable?

# What's the use of feeling blue?

# I'm going to alter all that

# I'll tell you what we'll do

# Come on, everybody We're going to sing

# Louder and louder and louder

# Oi!

# Never mind the rafters We'll make them ring

# Louder and louder and louder

# Oi!

# Let's all be jolly girls and boys

# Open up your throttles and make a noise

# Come on, everybody We're going to sing

# Louder and louder and louder

# Oi! #

You've got it! That's the idea!

Now, we'll do it once again, playmates, and I'll do all the work,

and all I want you to do is what you were doing then.

Louder and louder and louder... Oi!

See, like that? It's a good song, isn't it, eh?

It was sung originally by Harry Louder, so we'll see...

LAUGHTER

We'll see how it goes for the second time, are you ready?

Righto, Bernard!

# Come on, everybody We're going to sing

# Louder and louder and louder

# Oi!

# Never mind the rafters We'll make them ring

# Louder and louder and louder

# Oi!

# Let's all be jolly girls and boys

# Open up your throttles and make a noise

# Come on, everybody We're going to sing

# Louder and louder and louder

# Oi!

# And louder and louder... #

Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Oh! Oh, look at that!

If I could stoop down, I'd pick those up!

I'm going to sing you one of my own songs now, playmates,

not that chorus song. This is one... You remember the old days

when I used to sing songs about insects or birds?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Well, now, tonight I'm going to sing you

the original of all these silly little songs.

Guess what it's called. AUDIENCE SHOUTS

Oh, you can see the music!

No, The Bee Song.

D'you know, I sang that at my first command performance,

and the Queen loved it.

Prince Albert didn't care for it much,

but the Queen thought it was fine.

Anyway, off we go...

# Bzz-zz-zz!

# Bzz-zz-zz!

# Oh, what a glorious thing to be

# A healthy, grown-up, busy-busy bee

# Whiling away the passing hours

# Pinching all the pollen from the cauliflowers

# I'd like to be a busy-busy bee

# Being just as busy as a bee can be

# Flying round the garden, the sweetest ever seen

# Taking back the honey to the dear old queen

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz Honey bee, honey bee

# Bzz if you like but don't sting me!

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz Honey bee, honey bee

# Bzz if you like but don't sting me!

# Bzz-zz-zz! Bzz... #

Oh, God... LAUGHTER

# Oh, what a glorious thing to be

# A healthy, grown up, busy-busy bee

# Making hay while time is right

# Building up the honeycomb just like tripe

# I'd like to be a busy-busy bee

# Being just as busy as a bee can be

# Flying all around the wild hedgerows

# Stinging all the cows upon the parson's nose

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz Honey bee, honey bee

# Bzz if you like but don't sting me!

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz, honey... Bzz... #

Oh, God...

LAUGHTER

Silly bee song, innit?

# Oh, what a glorious thing to be

# A nice obedient busy-busy bee

# To be a good bee one must contrive

# For bees in a beehive must bee-have

# But maybe I wouldn't be a bee

# Bees are all right when alive, you see

# When bees die, you really should see 'em

# Pinned on a card in a dirty museum

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz Honey bee, honey bee

# Bzz if you like, don't sting me!

# Bzz-bzz-bzz-bzz, honey bee, honey bee

# Bzz if you... #

I must buzz off.

# Buzz if you like but don't sting me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now the songs of Miss Kate Carney, from the Players Theatre

plus Miss Norma Dunbar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# East end, west end

# All around the town

# The kids play Ring-a-Rosie

# London Bridge is falling down!

# Boys and girls together

# Me and Charlie Brown

# Trip the light fantastic

# On the streets of London town!

# Good morning, Mr Postman

# Have you brought any letters for me?

# Have you brought any letters for me?

# Cos I'm longing for one, can't you see?

# If you haven't got one

# Then I will be very sore

# Cos me heart goes pitter-patter When I hear your rat-a-tat

# When you come knocking at me do-ho-hor!

# When you come knocking at me door

# For when you're living down in Poverty Street

-# Down in the street

-Nobody knocks at your door

# Nobody knocks at your door

# When you're living down in Poverty Street

-# Down in the street

-Folks all know you're poor

# Lots of folks all know you're poor

# But when your bit of silver turns into gold

-# Turns into gold

-It drives away all cares

# Away all cares

# And then you'll find that everybody's knocking at your door

# When you're living in Golden Square

# And then you'll find that everybody's knocking at your door

# When you're living in Golden Square

# But when summer comes again

# And the pretty flowers are growing

# The sunshine after rain

# The summer breezes blowing

# And to roam around the country

# With a boy that's ever willing

# I can buy and I can cry

SHOUTS: # Three pots a shilling

# I can buy and I can cry

# Three pots a shilling

# Now Mr Peter Henry Glue

# Came staggering home in such a stew

# When everyone was sleeping in the square

# What, with the wintry winds that blew

# And the wines he drunk, his nose was blue

# As hanging on the knocker he stood there

# He shouted... "'Annah! I want to come up to bed"

# When a head poked out of the bedroom window

# With a nightcap on and said...

# No use you calling 'Annah!

# You ain't coming in tonight

# You can smoke, smoke, smoke on your Havana

# Smoke till the broad daylight

# I can tell you been drinking by your manner

# It's no use you putting on airs

# If I open the door I feel quite sure

# You'll never climb the stairs

# No use you calling 'Annah

# You ain't coming in tonight

# You can smoke, smoke, smoke on your Havana

# Smoke till the broad daylight

# I can tell you been drinking by your manner

# It's no use you putting on airs

# If I open the door I feel quite sure

# You'll never climb the stairs

# Liza, you are my donah

# You are my little peach

# Meet me down at the fish shop

# And I will buy you a pen'north of each

# Lor luv yer

# No bloke dare come and kiss you

# Or for him I shall go

# If I should lose my temper

# Then it's what ho, Liza Johnson, yes, what ho!

# Then it's what ho, Liza Johnson, yes, what ho!

# Three weeks ago, no longer

# I was as gay as a bird on the wind

# But since Bill and me have been parted, you know

# Life is a blank and it's changed everything

# I saw him out with another that night

# No-one could guess how I felt at the sight

# And with tears in my eyes

# That I tried to keep back

# I crept to his side and said

# Are we to part like this, Bill?

# Are we to part this way?

# Who's it to be - her or me?

# Don't be afraid to say

# If everything's over between us

# Don't ever pass me by

# Cos you and me still friends can be

# For the sake of the days gone by

# If everything's over between us

# Don't ever pass me by

# Cos you and me still friends can be

# For the sake of the days gone by! #

APPLAUSE

Now, there's just time to ask Mr Arthur Askey to lead the company

and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Arthur Askey and the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and indefatigable orchestra!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

It is time to join in yourself!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at The Old Bull and Bush Da-da-da-da-da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at The Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band La-di-da-di-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at The Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #