31/12/1980 The Good Old Days


31/12/1980

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme, from 1980. With Danny La Rue, Duggie Brown, Robert White, Keith Harris, Teresa Cahill, Bablu Mallick and Deryk Parkin.


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Transcript


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ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO LITTLE BROWN JUG

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# Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

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# Little brown jug, don't I love thee

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# Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

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# Little brown jug, don't I love thee

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# Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

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# Little brown jug, don't I love thee

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# Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

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# Little brown jug, don't I love thee

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# Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

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# Little brown jug, don't I love thee

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# Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee

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# Little brown jug, don't I love thee. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Once again,

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good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

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Phantasmagorically,

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effortless in festival frivolities,

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effloresce in transvestite...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

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..panto mimicry, flamboyant, from the Players Theatre!

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APPLAUSE

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# Oh, we'll all have a jolly good time

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# With the dame in the pantomime

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# For she is the one who will start up the fun

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# And the hero is always her favourite son

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-# Robin Hood

-Aladdin

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-# Dick Whittington

-And Jack

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# Tell their stories in song and in rhyme

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# It's the time of the year when the children all cheer

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# For the dame in the pantomime

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# For the dame in the pantomime. #

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# Let's have a song about the boys

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# About the boys

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# About the boys

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# Beanstalk Jack, Aladdin, Robin Hood

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# Whittington and it started with a whoop

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# Let's have a song about the boys

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# About the boys

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# What a joy

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# All together, let us make the laughter free

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# And let's have a song about the boys. #

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Jack - Penny Rigden.

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APPLAUSE

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Robin Hood - Lisa Westcott.

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APPLAUSE

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Dick Whittington - Jenny Till.

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APPLAUSE

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Aladdin - Nicola Kimber.

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APPLAUSE

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Prince Charming - Danny La Rue!

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CHEERING

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# Put me among the girls

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# Put me among the girls

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# Do me a favour, do

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# You know I'd do the same for you

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# Put me among the girls

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# Those with the curly curls

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# They'll all enjoy themselves and so will I

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# So put me among the girls, yeah! #

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APPLAUSE

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# If you were the only girl in the world

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# And I were the only boy

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# Nothing else would matter in the world today

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# We could go on loving in the same old way

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# A Garden of Eden just meant for two

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# With nothing to mar our joy

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# I would say such wonderful things to you

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# There would be such wonderful things to do

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# If you were the only girls in the world

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# And I were the only boy. #

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# She's my lady love

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# She is my dove, my baby love

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# She's no girl for sitting down to dream

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# She's the only queen Laguna knows

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# I know she likes me

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# I know she likes me

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# Because she said so

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# She is my lily of Laguna

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# She is my lily and my... #

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All together now!

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# She's my lady love

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# She is my dove, my baby love

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# She's no girl for sitting down to dream

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# She's the only queen Laguna knows

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# I know she likes me

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# I know she likes me

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# Because she said so

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# She is my lily of Laguna

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# She is my lily

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# And my rose. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Enchanting embodiment...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo...

-That's not a rude word.

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..of all mythological anthropomorphism.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

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A talking bird.

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Mr Keith Harris!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Oh!

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Ah, lovely.

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Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen.

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This, of course, is my little friend, Orville. He's very shy.

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I'll get him to turn round. Will you turn round and have a look?

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-AS ORVILLE:

-I can't.

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LAUGHTER

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-You can.

-I don't want to.

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Come on, have a look, because all your friends are out here.

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-Just have a look.

-I'll have a look then.

-Come on.

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-There you are, you see. AUDIENCE:

-Aw.

-There, see?

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They've all got their old clothes on.

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LAUGHTER

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You see, it's period costume.

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They're all here to enjoy themselves.

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-Are they?

-Yes, see?

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Are they real people?

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Of course they're real people.

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Look, say hello to the gentleman on the front row

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and he'll say hello to you.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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-Ah...

-LAUGHTER

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-What have you come as?

-Listen...

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LAUGHTER

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Orville, don't be so cheeky.

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-Look, I think you'd better say good night.

-I've only just come out.

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-I know you have.

-And it's New Year's Eve.

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Well, I know it's New Year's Eve

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but, you see, you've got to go to bed

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because little people need their sleep and sleep's very good for you.

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I don't want to go to bed yet.

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-Well, you've got to.

-I don't want to.

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LAUGHTER

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I don't want to.

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LAUGHTER

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Well, you have to because sleep is very good for you.

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-I don't think it is, you know.

-Don't you?

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-No, cos when I go to bed after a party...

-Mm.

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-..I feel good.

-Yes.

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-And when I wake up in the morning, I feel terrible.

-Do you?

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-So, it's the sleep that does it.

-It's the sleep... Well, it might be.

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-Yes.

-It might be the sleep that does it.

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Listen, I'm going to put you to bed

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because, you see, I have to go first-footing.

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-What does that mean?

-What does it mean?

-Yeah.

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Well, you see, at 12 o'clock, to let the New Year in,

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I go to my friend's house, knock on his door

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and I give him a piece of bread and some coal.

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-Some what?

-A piece of bread and some coal.

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-That won't taste very nice.

-Well, of course it won't.

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Coal isn't for eating, is it?

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-Er, central 'eating.

-Central 'eating.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah... LAUGHTER

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-So, I think I'll put you to bed.

-Into bed.

-Yes, your bed's up here.

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-Up the stairs.

-Up the stairs.

-Going to bed now.

-All right.

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-Put you in there.

-Hello.

-Hello. I love you.

-I'm going to bed now.

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-I love you.

-I love you.

-Yes, I know you do.

-In the bed.

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-Here's a bed over here.

-The big bed.

-In the big bed.

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-It's my bed.

-I know it's your bed.

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And then, in the morning, when you wake up,

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you know what everybody does? You know what happens on New Year's Day?

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Nobody goes to work.

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LAUGHTER

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Everybody shouts, "Rabbits, rabbits, rabbits!"

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-What for?

-Well, I don't know. It's tradition, you see.

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Everybody says that.

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Rabbits don't.

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Don't they?

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They shout, "People, people, people!"

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-Well, never mind. Look, I'll put you in the bed.

-In the bed.

-Yes.

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Where's my hottie?

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LAUGHTER

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-Where's your what?

-My hottie.

-Oh, your hottie.

-Yes.

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You had me worried for a minute. It's in there somewhere.

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-I'll find it then.

-Yes, you find it.

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-I've got it now.

-All right.

-I'll be all right.

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It'll be all right because I want to talk to the ladies and gentlemen.

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-OK.

-All right? All right then.

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-Ssh...

-Ssh. You go to sleep, all right?

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-Yeah.

-There's a good boy.

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Ladies and gentlemen...

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-Keith?

-Yes?

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Can I have a drink of water?

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No, you don't want a drink of water. All right, just be a good boy.

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Right, ladies and gentlemen...

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Keith?

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-Yes?

-I want a drink of water.

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Look, you want a drink of water?

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If I hear one more word, I'll smack your botty.

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-Keith?

-Yes?

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When you come to smack my botty, can you bring me a drink of water?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I'll get... I'll get some milk. There we are.

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I've got some milk for you cos I know you like milk.

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-Do you like milk?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, all right.

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-Cos I'm thirsty.

-Uh?

-I am thirsty.

-Are you?

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-Oh, I am thirsty.

-Are you?

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-Oh, I am thirsty!

-All right.

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Have your milk, there you are, cos it's good for you.

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Drink your milk, OK.

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ORVILLE SLURPS

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-I've finished now.

-You've finished?

-Yeah.

-Good boy.

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ORVILLE BURPS Ooh!

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ORVILLE LAUGHS

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That milk's full of 'scuseness.

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Is it full of 'scuseness?

0:11:370:11:39

-Yeah.

-Yes. And I don't want to hear any more

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-of this "Oh, I am thirsty" business.

-OK.

0:11:410:11:43

-OK.

-Good.

-Yes.

-Cos I was thirsty.

-Were you?

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Oh, I was thirsty.

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Oh, I was thirsty!

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All right. Don't make things up.

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-I didn't.

-You did.

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I didn't.

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I didn't.

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-Listen, you haven't said your prayers, have you?

-No.

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-Are you going to say your prayers?

-I like saying prayers.

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-Do you?

-I'm a little bird of pray.

-Are you?

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LAUGHTER

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Well, you...

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-What?

-You repeat after me a little child's prayer. Ready?

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Now I lay me down to sleep.

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Now I lay me down to sleep.

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I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

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I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

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If I should die before I wake.

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If I should die bef... Pardon?

0:12:330:12:36

If I should die before I wake.

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If I should die before I wake.

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I pray the Lord my soul to take.

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I pray the Lord my soul to take.

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ORVILLE SIGHS

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# Little man, you're sighing

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# Tell me why you're blue

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# Just because it's time to hit the hay

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# You'd better go to sleep now

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# Little man, you've had a busy day

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# I'll keep my resolution

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# When the old year ends

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# Now it's time to, to dim the light

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# Well, before I go to sleep

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# I will say to all my friends

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# Happy New Year

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# And good night

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# Now the moon is beaming

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# Stars are shining through

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# They're telling us the sandman's on his way

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# You, you'd better go to sleep now

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# Cos, little man, you've had a busy day

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# Yeah

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# Yes, I've had

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# A very busy

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# Say good night

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-# Good night, God bless

-Day. #

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APPLAUSE

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Direct from La Scala, Milan,

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and Covent Garden,

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crystalline, charismatic coloraturism,

0:14:480:14:53

Miss Teresa Cahill!

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APPLAUSE

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SHE SINGS AN OPERATIC PIECE IN ITALIAN

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SHE SINGS AN OPERATIC PIECE IN ITALIAN

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SHE SINGS AN OPERATIC PIECE IN ITALIAN

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SHE SINGS AN OPERATIC PIECE IN ITALIAN

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APPLAUSE

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# I've heard the magic song that love sings

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# Believed the lies that love can tell

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# I've known the loneliness that love brings

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# To those like me who love so well

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# In vain have I pretended

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# To call this love a passing phase

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# Yet till my life is ended

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# I know I'll never change my ways

0:17:470:17:55

# I give my heart

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# Just to one man

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# Loving as any woman can

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# This, too, I swear

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# While I am there

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# All I possess is this to share

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# I give my heart

0:18:280:18:33

# I know my mind

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# Without this sorrow

0:18:360:18:40

# Love will come

0:18:400:18:44

MUFFLED OPERATIC SINGING

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# I give my heart

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# To one man alone

0:18:570:19:03

# I've known some foolish men and wise men

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# Men drunk with love instead of wine

0:19:120:19:17

# And yet I do not criticise men

0:19:170:19:21

# Their lives are theirs and mine is mine

0:19:210:19:26

# To me they come for pleasure

0:19:260:19:30

# They sometimes win, they sometimes fail

0:19:300:19:35

# One thing I know I treasure

0:19:350:19:41

# This heart of mine is not for sale

0:19:410:19:50

# I give my heart

0:19:500:19:55

# Just to one man

0:19:550:19:59

# Loving as only woman can

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# This, too, I swear

0:20:060:20:11

# While I am there

0:20:110:20:14

# All I possess is this to share

0:20:140:20:22

# I give my heart

0:20:220:20:27

# I know my mind

0:20:270:20:31

# Without this sorrow

0:20:310:20:34

# Love will come

0:20:340:20:38

MUFFLED OPERATIC SINGING

0:20:380:20:43

# I give my heart

0:20:480:20:52

# To one man alone. #

0:20:520:21:03

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:030:21:06

From Calcutta,

0:21:240:21:27

kinetoscopic chiaroscurist

0:21:270:21:32

in archetypal adumbration...

0:21:320:21:35

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:21:350:21:37

-Shadow play.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah.

0:21:370:21:39

Bablu Mallick!

0:21:390:21:42

APPLAUSE

0:21:420:21:45

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

0:21:480:21:50

Bonsoir, mesdames et messieurs.

0:21:500:21:52

SNEEZE

0:21:520:21:53

Left, right, left, right.

0:21:570:21:59

About turn. Company, March!

0:21:590:22:02

Whoop, whoop.

0:22:020:22:04

WHISTLING

0:22:050:22:07

MAA

0:22:130:22:14

Ole!

0:22:150:22:16

Oh, la-la, la-la, la-la.

0:22:230:22:25

HE LAUGHS

0:22:260:22:28

Yeah.

0:22:300:22:32

HE LAUGHS

0:22:430:22:45

KISSING

0:22:490:22:50

Come here.

0:22:500:22:52

APPLAUSE

0:22:530:22:56

No. No?

0:23:020:23:04

I love you.

0:23:060:23:08

Oh, no.

0:23:120:23:14

SNORING

0:23:180:23:21

Good night.

0:23:250:23:27

APPLAUSE

0:23:280:23:31

APPLAUSE

0:23:580:24:01

APPLAUSE

0:24:340:24:37

LAUGHTER

0:24:470:24:50

SQUEAKING

0:24:580:25:01

BARKING

0:25:040:25:05

BARKING AND PANTING

0:25:120:25:15

APPLAUSE

0:25:160:25:18

APPLAUSE

0:26:020:26:05

Epitomising epicenism...

0:26:170:26:20

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:26:200:26:22

..every other inch a woman,

0:26:220:26:26

Mr Danny La Rue!

0:26:260:26:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:290:26:33

-Are we having a nice time? AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:26:370:26:41

Now we're creeping towards the New Year.

0:26:410:26:43

-Are you all very happy about that? AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

0:26:430:26:46

Now, girls, see all these fellas with you tonight? Watch them.

0:26:460:26:49

I've got a very sad story.

0:26:490:26:51

It's about a little young lady and you might be all in the same boat.

0:26:510:26:54

They'll take you home for a gin and it.

0:26:540:26:56

LAUGHTER

0:26:560:26:58

You'll have the gin, they'll have it. Watch them.

0:26:580:27:01

Now, get your handkerchiefs ready for this very sad tale.

0:27:020:27:05

You're all right, are you, Maestro, dear?

0:27:050:27:07

# Here is a picture, a man and a girl

0:27:080:27:11

# Strolling along in the shade

0:27:110:27:13

# He is a marquis, the son of an earl

0:27:130:27:17

# And she but a pure village maid

0:27:170:27:20

# He tells her he loves her again and again

0:27:200:27:23

# She thinks he is loyal and true

0:27:230:27:27

# And then comes the night when he gives her champagne

0:27:270:27:32

# And does what he ought not to do

0:27:320:27:36

# Only a glass of champagne

0:27:380:27:42

# But it led a poor girl into sin

0:27:420:27:46

# Only a glass of champagne

0:27:480:27:52

# T'was the door where the devil crept in

0:27:520:27:57

# It's just an old story

0:27:580:28:00

# It's always the same

0:28:000:28:02

# Just like a poor moth

0:28:020:28:04

# She flew too near the flame

0:28:040:28:07

# She opened her wings

0:28:070:28:10

# And lost her good name

0:28:100:28:12

# All for a glass of champagne

0:28:120:28:16

# Now think of her future, the sorrow, the shame

0:28:160:28:20

# Neither a maid nor a wife

0:28:200:28:23

# Think of those parents who gave her the name

0:28:230:28:27

# She has dishonoured for life

0:28:270:28:31

# What's to become of her, spurned and reviled

0:28:320:28:35

# Into oblivion hurled?

0:28:350:28:39

# And what can she offer her fatherless child... #

0:28:390:28:43

-Ah... AUDIENCE:

-Ah...

0:28:430:28:46

# She has brought into the world? #

0:28:460:28:49

All together!

0:28:490:28:51

# Only a glass of champagne

0:28:510:28:55

# Was the... It led a poor girl into sin... #

0:28:550:28:59

That's it, dear.

0:28:590:29:01

# Only a glass of champagne

0:29:010:29:05

# T'was the door where the devil crept in

0:29:050:29:09

# She lost her honour with heartache and pain

0:29:100:29:15

# To her false lover she pleaded in vain

0:29:150:29:20

# But by the next morning she'd lost it again

0:29:200:29:24

# All for a glass of champagne

0:29:240:29:29

# So all you young ladies

0:29:290:29:32

# Take warning from her

0:29:320:29:34

# If you're taken out by a lord or a sir

0:29:340:29:39

# Be careful you don't let the same thing occur

0:29:390:29:44

# Well, not for a glass of champagne. #

0:29:440:29:52

APPLAUSE

0:29:520:29:56

CHEERING

0:30:020:30:05

Hey!

0:30:080:30:10

# Down the road there lives a man I'd like you all to know

0:30:130:30:16

# He grew a great big marrow for the local flower show

0:30:160:30:20

# And when the news got round of it they came from far and wide

0:30:200:30:24

# And when the people saw the size of it... #

0:30:240:30:27

LAUGHTER

0:30:280:30:30

# Everybody cried

0:30:300:30:33

# Oh, what a beauty!

0:30:330:30:37

# I've never seen one as big as that before

0:30:370:30:41

# Oh, what a beauty!

0:30:410:30:44

# It must be two foot long or maybe more

0:30:440:30:48

# It's such a lovely colour, nice and round and fat

0:30:480:30:52

# I've never seen a marrow quite as big as that

0:30:520:30:56

# Oh, what a beauty!

0:30:560:30:59

I've never seen one as big as that before

0:30:590:31:04

# He was leaning on his garden gate the other day

0:31:040:31:08

# And beckoned to a lady who lived just across the way

0:31:080:31:11

# He took her down the garden path and showed it her with pride

0:31:110:31:15

# And when she saw the size of it... #

0:31:150:31:18

LAUGHTER

0:31:180:31:21

Silly girl! LAUGHTER

0:31:210:31:24

# She looked at him and cried

0:31:240:31:28

# "Oh, what a beauty!

0:31:280:31:31

# "I've never seen one as big as that before

0:31:310:31:35

# "Oh, what a beauty!

0:31:350:31:39

# "It must be two foot long or maybe more

0:31:390:31:43

# "It's such a lovely colour, nice and round and fat

0:31:430:31:47

# "I've never seen a marrow quite as big as that

0:31:470:31:50

# "Oh, what a beauty!

0:31:500:31:54

# "I've never seen one as big as that before

0:31:540:31:58

# "Never seen one as big as that before." #

0:31:580:32:04

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:060:32:09

-Idiosyncratic...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:32:230:32:27

-..ecdysiast...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:32:270:32:30

-From the Greek.

-LAUGHTER

0:32:300:32:32

Egocentricity from Mr Deryk Parkin!

0:32:320:32:37

APPLAUSE

0:32:370:32:41

# There's something about me, there's no doubt

0:32:420:32:46

# I look a masher when I'm walking out

0:32:460:32:48

# People stare though I don't know why

0:32:480:32:51

# Perhaps it is because I wear a collar and tie

0:32:510:32:54

# And no joke, my poke, though a trifle bent

0:32:540:32:57

# Doesn't make them look at me a lot

0:32:570:32:59

# But there's one thing people seem to think is funny

0:32:590:33:03

# And I'll tell you what it is, just what

0:33:030:33:06

# It's the little wigger-wagger in my hand

0:33:070:33:11

# That makes me such a dandy

0:33:110:33:14

# Oh, it's not my strut, nor my face, tut-tut

0:33:140:33:17

# Nor the brand-new caddy like a pimple on my nut

0:33:170:33:20

# Maidies and the ladies

0:33:200:33:23

# I meet when I'm a-walking in the Strand

0:33:230:33:25

# They admire my togs and I keep away the dogs

0:33:250:33:28

# With my little wigger-wagger in my hand

0:33:280:33:31

# Brum

0:33:310:33:33

# Brum-da-da-da-da-dum

0:33:330:33:34

# I went to a fancy-dress ball one night

0:33:420:33:44

# Dressed up as Cupid, looking such a sight

0:33:440:33:47

# I wore red tights cos I can't stand black... #

0:33:470:33:50

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:33:510:33:53

# I got a pair of tinsel wings and stuck them on my back... #

0:33:550:33:58

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:33:580:34:00

# In Bow, you know, I picked up a bow

0:34:000:34:02

# I got it very cheap Well, I'll be blowed

0:34:020:34:05

# And at my side I wore a quiver full of arrows

0:34:050:34:09

# That I picked up in the 'Arrow Road

0:34:090:34:12

# With my little wigger-wagger in my hand

0:34:120:34:17

# I walked into the ballroom

0:34:170:34:20

# But I blushed with pride for the girls all cried

0:34:200:34:23

# "If I catch you bending" Well, I thought I should have died

0:34:230:34:26

# Fellows, they were jealous

0:34:260:34:29

# Though why it was I couldn't understand

0:34:290:34:32

# For I stood just so

0:34:320:34:34

# With my arrow and my bow

0:34:350:34:37

# And my little wigger-wagger in my hand

0:34:370:34:40

# La-di

0:34:400:34:42

# Ba-da-da-dum... #

0:34:420:34:43

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:34:460:34:48

# Once at the seaside, Margate way

0:34:480:34:51

# I had a little dip in Pegwell Bay

0:34:510:34:54

# I put my clothes on the sandy beach

0:34:540:34:56

# I put them where I reckoned that the water wouldn't reach

0:34:560:34:59

# Sidestroke, wide stroke I began to swim

0:35:000:35:03

# Bobbing in the water like a boat

0:35:030:35:05

# And on my cane I tied a pair of water wings

0:35:050:35:09

# To keep me up and make me float

0:35:090:35:12

# With my little wigger-wagger in my hand

0:35:130:35:17

# I left the salt seawater

0:35:170:35:20

# But I felt a jay To my great dismay

0:35:200:35:23

# The waves carried all my toggeries away

0:35:230:35:26

# I there felt a pie there

0:35:260:35:28

# For all the boys were laughing on the sand

0:35:280:35:31

# As away I raced with a kipper round my waist

0:35:310:35:34

# And my little wigger-wagger in my hand

0:35:340:35:37

# With my little wigger-wagger With my little wigger-wagger

0:35:370:35:39

# With my little wigger-wagger... #

0:35:390:35:41

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:35:410:35:43

APPLAUSE

0:35:430:35:47

From America,

0:35:520:35:54

mellifluous,

0:35:540:35:57

honey-toned,

0:35:570:35:59

in deliquescent masculinity,

0:35:590:36:03

Mr Robert White!

0:36:030:36:05

APPLAUSE

0:36:050:36:08

# I wander today to the hill, Maggie

0:36:110:36:18

# To watch the scene below

0:36:180:36:24

# The creek and the creaking old mill, Maggie

0:36:240:36:31

# As we used to long ago

0:36:310:36:37

# The green growth is gone from the hill, Maggie

0:36:370:36:44

# Where first the daisies sprung

0:36:440:36:53

# And the creaking old mill is still, Maggie

0:36:530:37:02

# Since you and I were young

0:37:020:37:09

# They say I am feeble with age, Maggie

0:37:150:37:21

# My steps are less sprightly than then

0:37:210:37:26

# My face is a well-written page, Maggie

0:37:260:37:33

# But time alone was the pen

0:37:330:37:39

# They say we are aged and grey, Maggie

0:37:390:37:45

# As spray by the white breakers flung

0:37:450:37:53

# But to me you're as fair as you were, Maggie

0:37:530:38:02

# When you and I were young

0:38:020:38:09

# And now we are aged and grey, Maggie

0:38:090:38:16

# The trials of life nearly done

0:38:160:38:25

# Let us sing of the days that are gone, Maggie

0:38:250:38:35

# When you and I were young. #

0:38:350:38:48

APPLAUSE

0:38:510:38:54

You know, as this old year passes and we go into the new one,

0:39:070:39:10

it does make us think of family, whether they be near or far away.

0:39:100:39:14

Family, when we were youngsters,

0:39:140:39:16

makes us think of home and the house,

0:39:160:39:18

and the next song is about a house that might be no more, in fact,

0:39:180:39:22

but it's a thought to bring with us into the New Year,

0:39:220:39:24

so we appreciate what we have, with those near us.

0:39:240:39:27

The Old House.

0:39:270:39:28

# Lonely I wander

0:39:380:39:42

# Through scenes of my childhood

0:39:420:39:47

# They call back to memory

0:39:470:39:51

# Those happy days of yore

0:39:510:39:56

# Gone are the old folk

0:39:560:40:00

# The house stands deserted

0:40:000:40:05

# No light in the windows

0:40:050:40:10

# No welcome at the door

0:40:100:40:16

# Here's where the children

0:40:230:40:26

# Played games on the heather

0:40:260:40:30

# Here's where they sailed

0:40:300:40:32

# Their wee boats on the burn

0:40:320:40:37

# Where are they now?

0:40:370:40:41

# Some are dead

0:40:410:40:44

# Some have wandered

0:40:440:40:47

# No more to their home

0:40:470:40:51

# Shall those children return

0:40:510:40:59

# Lonely's the house now

0:41:040:41:08

# And lonely the moorlands

0:41:080:41:13

# The children are scattered

0:41:130:41:18

# The old folk are gone

0:41:180:41:22

# Why stand I here

0:41:220:41:26

# Like a ghost and a shadow?

0:41:260:41:31

# 'Tis time I were moving

0:41:310:41:36

# 'Tis time I passed on. #

0:41:360:41:49

APPLAUSE

0:41:490:41:52

All the way from Rotherham...

0:42:120:42:15

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:42:150:42:17

..engagingly jousting in jaunty jocularities...

0:42:170:42:23

Funnyman. Mr Duggie Brown!

0:42:230:42:27

APPLAUSE

0:42:270:42:30

Oh!

0:42:310:42:33

Oh, my goodness!

0:42:330:42:34

Isn't it a posh night, eh?

0:42:390:42:42

New Year's Eve!

0:42:420:42:44

A beautiful theatre...

0:42:440:42:45

It's like working in the inside of a wedding cake!

0:42:450:42:48

Mind you, I had a nice Christmas. I got a new set of golf clubs.

0:42:480:42:51

I love golf. I like golf stories.

0:42:510:42:52

There's a nice one about a fellow who was playing golf

0:42:520:42:55

and suddenly a golf ball hit him right in the middle of the jaw.

0:42:550:42:57

It broke his jaw, three places this side, three places that side.

0:42:570:43:00

He was in a terrible state.

0:43:000:43:01

Took him off to the hospital. He was three months in hospital.

0:43:010:43:04

He had to have all wire put through his jaw here, like that,

0:43:040:43:07

all along the bottom, like that, up the top.

0:43:070:43:09

He was in a terrible state.

0:43:090:43:11

-Shame! AUDIENCE:

-Ah...

0:43:110:43:13

You were a bit late there, weren't you?

0:43:130:43:15

You'd feel shame with all wire around, wouldn't you?

0:43:150:43:19

He came out of hospital. He thought he'd cure his fear of golf,

0:43:190:43:22

so he went back to the clubhouse and there was Charlie,

0:43:220:43:24

cleaning glasses. And Charlie thought he'd make him feel at home.

0:43:240:43:27

He went, "Oh, hello, Mr Tomkinson. How are you feeling?"

0:43:270:43:30

He said... MUMBLING: "Oh, shocking, Charlie."

0:43:300:43:34

LAUGHTER

0:43:340:43:36

He said, "I tell you what, Charlie. I'm in a shocking state."

0:43:380:43:43

LAUGHTER

0:43:430:43:46

He said, "I can be truthful with you, Charlie.

0:43:460:43:49

"I am in a shocking state."

0:43:490:43:52

He said, "I got hit with that golf ball. Do you remember?"

0:43:530:43:57

Charlie said, "Yes."

0:43:580:44:00

He said, "Don't interrupt me, Charlie, it's hard to get it out."

0:44:000:44:03

He said, "I got hit with a golf ball, got hit in the jaw.

0:44:030:44:05

"It broke my jaw three places this side, three places that side.

0:44:050:44:10

"I've got all wire going... I've worked it out.

0:44:100:44:12

"If I drop dead this minute, I'm going to be worth more for scrap."

0:44:120:44:16

LAUGHTER

0:44:160:44:18

He said, "Charlie, I tell you what, I'm in a shocking state, I am."

0:44:180:44:23

He said... MUMBLING: "I've spent these three months in hospital.

0:44:240:44:28

"While I've been in hospital, I couldn't eat properly.

0:44:280:44:33

"Or sprouts."

0:44:340:44:36

LAUGHTER

0:44:360:44:38

I just thought of that one.

0:44:380:44:41

APPLAUSE

0:44:410:44:43

No, don't applaud, I've only got an hour and a half. He said...

0:44:450:44:50

Back into the character.

0:44:500:44:52

He said... MUMBLING: "I can't eat properly, Charlie.

0:44:520:44:54

"While I've been in there, I've had to be fed through a tube."

0:44:540:44:58

He said, "I'm in a shocking state, Charlie."

0:44:580:45:01

He said, "I can't drink properly. I have to drink through...

0:45:010:45:05

"I tell you what, Charlie, I can't even speak properly."

0:45:050:45:09

And Charlie tried to cheer him up. He said, "Don't worry, Mr Tomkinson.

0:45:090:45:13

"The man who hit you with that golf ball, he came in here that evening,

0:45:130:45:16

"he had seven double Scotches,

0:45:160:45:18

"he jumped into his brand-new automobile

0:45:180:45:19

"and went and crashed into the tree at the end of the lane."

0:45:190:45:22

And he said, "And I can't laugh either, Charlie."

0:45:220:45:25

LAUGHTER

0:45:250:45:28

I love the silly ones. The silliest one I ever heard...

0:45:350:45:38

You're not dashing off, are you?

0:45:380:45:40

This fellow's got this parrot, you see.

0:45:400:45:43

It's not the Irish parrot. I'll do that one. Quick impression.

0:45:430:45:46

The Irish parrot. AS PARROT: Who's a pretty...?

0:45:460:45:49

Um...

0:45:490:45:50

LAUGHTER

0:45:500:45:53

No, this fellow's got this parrot, you see,

0:45:530:45:55

and he's teaching it how to speak

0:45:550:45:57

and all it will say is, "Who is it?", like that.

0:45:570:46:00

So, he went out to work one morning.

0:46:000:46:03

Half an hour later, there's a knock on the door and the parrot says,

0:46:030:46:06

"Who is it?", like that.

0:46:060:46:08

"It's the plumber. I've come to mend your pipes.

0:46:080:46:10

"Would you let me in, please?" And the parrot went, "Who is it?"

0:46:100:46:13

In the end, he's screaming like mad, he had a heart attack,

0:46:130:46:16

-dropped dead on the stairs. AUDIENCE:

-Ah...

0:46:160:46:18

Five o'clock, the chap came home from work.

0:46:180:46:20

He looked down, there's a body there. He said, "Who is it?"

0:46:200:46:23

The parrot said, "It's the plumber. He's come to mend your pipes."

0:46:230:46:26

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:46:260:46:29

Listen, what I've done this year

0:46:340:46:36

is I have actually made my own New Year's resolution

0:46:360:46:39

never to sing again.

0:46:390:46:41

But it's not 12 o'clock,

0:46:410:46:43

so you're going to have to cop for it.

0:46:430:46:45

Here we go. It's a nice one.

0:46:450:46:47

# You say that you must leave me

0:46:480:46:52

# That you and I must part

0:46:520:46:56

# Why should you want to grieve me?

0:46:560:47:00

# Why should you break my heart?

0:47:010:47:06

# Why did you make me care?

0:47:070:47:13

# Why bring me dreams so rare?

0:47:140:47:20

# You told me that sweethearts should never part

0:47:210:47:27

# Why did you leave me and break my heart?

0:47:270:47:34

# Why can't we meet once more?

0:47:340:47:40

# Why can't we love as before?

0:47:410:47:48

# This world seemed so rosy

0:47:480:47:51

# And life so fair

0:47:510:47:55

# Why did you make me care? #

0:47:550:47:59

You can all join in, if you like. Why did you make me care? Go on.

0:47:590:48:02

# Why did you make me care? #

0:48:020:48:06

Why bring me dreams so rare?

0:48:060:48:08

# Why bring me dreams so rare? #

0:48:080:48:13

You told me that sweethearts should never part

0:48:130:48:15

# You told me that sweethearts should never part. #

0:48:150:48:20

Why did you leave me and break my heart?

0:48:200:48:22

# Why did you leave me and break my heart? #

0:48:220:48:27

No, you're spoiling it. Leave it up to me.

0:48:270:48:29

# Why can't we meet once more?

0:48:290:48:33

# Why can't we love as before?

0:48:350:48:41

# This world seemed so rosy

0:48:410:48:45

# And life so fair

0:48:450:48:49

# Why did you make me care? #

0:48:490:49:00

Thank you. APPLAUSE

0:49:000:49:03

Once again, multipotent,

0:49:110:49:14

the Players Theatre plus one and indivisible,

0:49:140:49:18

Mr Danny La Rue!

0:49:180:49:21

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:49:210:49:24

# Come with me, come to the ball

0:49:290:49:33

# Music and merriment call

0:49:330:49:37

# Golden and gay are the lamps above

0:49:370:49:42

# Every tune is a song of love

0:49:420:49:46

# All of you come to the ball

0:49:460:49:50

# There will be welcome for all

0:49:500:49:54

# Chance for a dance and romance

0:49:540:49:59

# At the ball

0:49:590:50:01

# At the ball. #

0:50:010:50:04

# We'll have oysters and wine at 2am

0:50:040:50:08

# 2am

0:50:080:50:10

# 2am

0:50:100:50:12

# Oysters and wine at 2am

0:50:120:50:16

# Oysters and wine at 2

0:50:160:50:20

# Oysters and wine at 2. #

0:50:200:50:26

-# Champagne Charlie is my name

-Champagne Charlie is his name

0:50:280:50:32

-# Champagne drinking is my game

-Champagne drinking is his game

0:50:320:50:35

# Let's all have a glass of fizz, fizz, fizz

0:50:350:50:38

# I'll drink anything there is, is, is

0:50:380:50:42

-# Champagne Charlie is my name

-Champagne Charlie is his name

0:50:420:50:46

-# Champagne drinking is my game

-Champagne drinking is his game

0:50:460:50:49

# Good for any game at night, boys

0:50:490:50:53

# Who'll come and join us on a spree? #

0:50:530:50:56

-# Clicquot

-Clicquot

-Clicquot

-Clicquot

0:50:570:50:59

# That's the stuff to make you jolly

0:50:590:51:00

-# Clicquot

-Clicquot

-Clicquot

-Clicquot

0:51:000:51:02

# Soon will banish melancholy

0:51:020:51:04

-# Clicquot

-Clicquot

-Clicquot

-Clicquot

0:51:040:51:06

# Drinking other wine is folly

0:51:060:51:08

-# Clicquot

-Clicquot

-Clicquot

-Clicquot

0:51:080:51:10

# That's the drink for me. #

0:51:100:51:11

# Good wines if you can afford them

0:51:110:51:13

# Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la

0:51:130:51:15

# Soon do away with boredom

0:51:150:51:16

# Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la

0:51:160:51:18

# Champagne will make you glad, sir

0:51:180:51:20

# I know because I've had some

0:51:200:51:22

# A rosy glow inside you

0:51:220:51:24

# No steps to guide you

0:51:240:51:26

# A toast, a toast

0:51:260:51:28

# To get the glasses raising

0:51:280:51:30

# Join with us in raising

0:51:300:51:31

# The one you love the most

0:51:310:51:33

# A toast, a toast

0:51:330:51:35

# A toast

0:51:350:51:37

# Champagne is a wine that flows, it seems

0:51:370:51:39

# King of wine, wine of kings

0:51:390:51:41

# Secret that the sparkle brings

0:51:410:51:42

# Tra-la-la-la, champagne. #

0:51:420:51:44

APPLAUSE

0:52:060:52:09

# Dear face that holds

0:52:150:52:18

# So sweet a smile for me

0:52:180:52:21

# Were you not mine

0:52:220:52:24

# How dark this world would be

0:52:240:52:27

# I know no light

0:52:280:52:31

# Above that could replace

0:52:310:52:35

# Love's radiant sunshine

0:52:350:52:39

# In your lovely face

0:52:390:52:44

# Give me your smile

0:52:440:52:49

# The lovelight in your eyes

0:52:490:52:54

# Life could not hold

0:52:540:52:58

# A fairer paradise

0:52:580:53:03

# Give me the right

0:53:030:53:07

# To love you all the while

0:53:070:53:10

# My world forever

0:53:120:53:16

# The sunshine of your smile

0:53:160:53:21

# Shadows may fall

0:53:210:53:24

# Across the land and sea

0:53:240:53:28

# Sunshine from all

0:53:280:53:30

# The world may hidden be

0:53:300:53:34

# But I shall see

0:53:350:53:38

# No clouds across the sun

0:53:380:53:41

# Your smile shall light

0:53:430:53:46

# My life till life is done

0:53:460:53:53

# Give me a smile

0:53:530:53:57

# The lovelight in your eyes

0:53:570:54:03

# Life could not hold

0:54:030:54:06

# A fairer paradise

0:54:060:54:11

# Give me the right

0:54:110:54:15

# To love you all the while

0:54:150:54:20

# My world forever

0:54:210:54:26

# The sunshine of your smile

0:54:260:54:32

# My world forever

0:54:320:54:37

# The sunshine of your smile. #

0:54:370:54:49

APPLAUSE

0:54:490:54:52

# Should auld acquaintance be forgot

0:55:050:55:11

# And never brought to mind

0:55:110:55:15

# Should auld acquaintance be forgot

0:55:150:55:21

# For the sake of auld lang syne

0:55:210:55:26

# For auld lang syne, my dear

0:55:260:55:31

# For auld lang syne

0:55:310:55:36

# We'll take a cup of kindness yet

0:55:360:55:42

# For the sake of auld lang syne

0:55:420:55:46

# Should auld acquaintance be forgot

0:55:460:55:52

# And never brought to mind

0:55:520:55:57

# Should auld acquaintance be forgot

0:55:570:56:02

# For the sake of auld lang syne

0:56:020:56:07

# For auld lang syne, my dear

0:56:070:56:12

# For auld lang syne

0:56:120:56:17

# We'll take a cup of kindness yet

0:56:170:56:22

# For the sake of auld lang syne. #

0:56:220:56:34

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme, first broadcast on 31 December 1980. Featuring Danny La Rue, Duggie Brown, Robert White, Keith Harris, Teresa Cahill, Bablu Mallick, Deryk Parkin and members of the Players' Theatre, London.


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