02/07/1981 The Good Old Days

ORCHESTRA TUNES INSTRUMENTS

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO JOLLY GOOD COMPANY

# Hello, ain't ya looking well?

# Hello, ain't ya looking swell?

# Upon my soul I'm mighty glad to see you

# Happier than I can tell

# Here we are again Happy as can be

# All good pals and jolly good company

# Strolling round the town Out upon the spree

# All good pals and jolly good company

# Never mind the weather Never mind the rain

# Now we're all together Whoops, she goes again

# La-di-da-di-da La-di-da-di-dee

# All good pals and jolly good company. #

# You should keep your eye on me

# If a man you wish to see

# Who has made his way with the least delay

# To the honoured place he owns today

# For it is a splendid thing

# And the best that luck can bring

# When a man can boast that he fills the post

# Of the master of the ring

# For it is a splendid thing

# And the best that luck can bring

# When a man can boast that he fills the post

# Of the master of the ring. #

# Every afternoon at three

# Jolly little Polly on the gee-gee-gee

# Trots along in front of me

# Jolly little Polly on the gee-gee-gee

# Though that little gee-gee-gee

# Hasn't got a little bit of pedigree

# I would give the world to be

# That gee-gee-gee

# Yes, I would give the world to be

# That gee-gee-gee. #

And now, our next presentation!

# He flies through the air with the greatest of ease

# The daring young man on the flying trapeze

# His movements are graceful All girls he can please

# And my love is stolen away

# He flies through the air with the greatest of ease... #

Ooh!

# His movements are graceful All girls he can please... #

Ooh. And now, for your further edification...

# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl

# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl

# She is smooth and slim and supple

# And compared with any couple of other girls

# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl

# Is a priceless peerless pearl

# She can stand on her feet Won't be frightened to be

# That is Sandow girl. #

# Clowns, clowns, clowns... #

UNCLEAR LYRICS

# Never mind the weather Never mind the rain

# Now we're all together Whoops, she goes again

# La-di-da-di-da La-di-da-di-dee

# All good pals and jolly good company

# All good pals

# And jolly good company, hoi! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Once again,

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

Prognosticatorally...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..parapolysyllabic...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..primarily two coryphaeus coordinate

in Corybantic precocities.

LAUGHTER

Dazzling dancing!

We give you, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Bill Drysdale

and Miss Christine Cartwright!

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS DANCE MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Ecstatic gentleman in the front row, enjoying -

the gentleman in the blazer -

enjoying what I would call fringe benefits.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

mischievously meandering

in nostalgic reminiscence,

from Leeds itself - what I believe is called a Leeds Loiner -

ladies and gentlemen, Mr Tom Mennard!

APPLAUSE

As I got towards the pub, the door opened outwards.

Now, I am six foot one.

On the door is the biggest brass knob

you have ever seen in your life

at a height of three foot and half an inch.

LAUGHTER

The door flew out, flattened me against the wall.

My mate Charlie Hollindale came out.

He said, "You're crying. Have you had bad news?"

I said, "Medically, yes."

He says, "Look, the least I can do is take you in

"and see that you have a drink."

So, we go in.

He says, "Give me your coat

"and while I'm hanging our coats up, you can order."

Oh, that's nice!

I says to the landlord, "Two pints, please."

He says, "There'll be a slight hold-up.

"I've got a stoppage in the beer pipe."

I said, "Oh, it might be water pressure."

Anyway...

We got the pints, Charlie comes back,

and I was talking to him, you know how you do, politics.

And we were talking about different governments, you know,

and wondering if this country would ever have one.

LAUGHTER

And I noticed Charlie, he was never looking at me,

he was looking over my shoulder all the time.

I said, "Just a minute, I'm talking to you.

"What are you looking over there for?"

He said, "I'm keeping an eye on my coat."

I said, "Well, it's rude. I'm talking to you.

"I don't keep an eye on my coat."

He said, "You should have. It went five minutes ago."

LAUGHTER

ORCHESTRA PLAYS MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT

I thought I'd like to tell you Though you'll probably be bored

Of the proudest day I've had in all my life

It was back in 1870

When I was just a kid

And Prince Albert came to tea and brought his wife

Yes, Victoria, Her Majesty, had tea with us one day

An occasion that I never shall forget

When I think of all the work

And preparation we'd to do

Well, I just go all limp and break out in a sweat

Cos we whitewashed every ceiling

And we polished every floor

On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

And I scrubbed the aspidistra

Till my fingers were quite sore

On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

We had bath buns by the dozen

Mother used 100 eggs

We had sherry in the trifle

And my father swigged the dregs

And we shaved the horsehair sofa

So's it wouldn't prick her legs

On the day that Queen Victoria and Albert came to tea

Uncle Fred wore his new cap

Oh, yes, he really went to town

On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

And my grandma wore her teeth

Mind you, she wore them upside down

On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

Then the chair that Albert sat on broke

He slithered to the floor

And his elbow caught the fender

And though I wouldn't say he swore

He said much more than Gladstone did in 1894

On the day that Queen Victoria and Albert came to tea

We sang just a song at twilight

And everybody cheered

On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

And Albert lit a cigar

And set fire to his beard

On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

We had Eccles cakes and bath buns

And home-made rhubarb wine

And Albert had a skinful

And all was going fine

Till young Fred says, "Dad

"Is this the bloke who called a German swine?"

On the day that Queen Victoria and Albert came to tea.

Thank you. Bye. Cheers.

APPLAUSE

Ecstatically pulchritudinous...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-From the Latin "pulcher".

-LAUGHTER

-Lovely.

Always lambently lovely,

your own, my own,

everybody's own,

Miss Lorna Dallas!

APPLAUSE

# I miss you so, honey

# When you are away

# I find myself dreaming of you

# Night and day

# I'm losing my appetite

# Losing my mind

# I try to forget for a while

# Then I find

# That every little while

# I feel so lonely

# Every little while

# I feel so blue

# I'm always dreaming

# I'm always scheming

# Because I want you

# And only you

# Every little while

# My heart is aching

# Every little while

# I miss your smile

# And all the time I seem to miss you

# I want to, want to kiss you

# Every, every, every little while. #

# Beautiful dreamer

# Wake unto me

# Starlight and dewdrops

# Are waiting for thee

# Sounds of the rude world

# Heard in the day

# Lulled by the moonlight

# Have all passed away

# Beautiful dreamer

# Queen of my song

# List' while I woo thee

# With soft melody

# Gone are the cares of

# Life's busy throng

# Beautiful dreamer

# Awake unto me

# Beautiful dreamer

# Awake unto me. #

# For I can give you the starlight

# Love unchanging and true

# I can give you the ocean

# Deep and tender devotion

# I can give you the mountains

# Pools of shimmering blue

# Call and I shall be

# All you ask of me

# Music in spring

# Flowers for a king

# All these I bring to you. #

APPLAUSE

In a subtle distillation

of serendipitous...

LAUGHTER

..whimsicalities,

welcome, a very warm welcome,

to Mr Richard Stilgoe!

APPLAUSE

-Thank you, thank you. Good evening. AUDIENCE:

-Good evening.

-Thank you very much. My name is... AUDIENCE:

-Richard Stilgoe.

LAUGHTER

Got it. Thank you, thank you very much. Good evening.

My name is Henry Irving.

I want you, if you can, to take yourselves forward in time to 1903.

For those of you who haven't got used to these newfangled ideas yet,

that is three minutes past seven.

I ought, therefore... I ought, therefore, to tell you the news,

as it's just past seven o'clock,

and for those of you interested in politics,

you will have been worried about the goings-on in the Whig party.

Well, I have to tell you that, after all the argy-bargy,

finally the Whigs have split.

And a very unpleasant sight it is, too!

We may have to do away with the Whigs altogether, in fact,

start again with a new centre parting.

I... LAUGHTER

I ought, really, to be brave.

But I might fall off if I go out there.

Well, like all this lot have.

That's what happened. All of these were big stars once.

Walked out down the catwalk, fell in.

Now they all have to sit there, pretending to be musicians.

I ought, really, to... LAUGHTER

I know you lot!

You're the ones who sit up in the box going,

"This one's even worse than the bear."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I shall be brave. Mr Auctioneer, how nice to meet you.

I hope you get a good price for all the acts.

Oh...

-Is there a Florence Nightingale in the house?

-Oh, yes.

-Bless you.

One of my hobbies is anagrams. Take the name Richard Stilgoe.

Out of it you can get people like Archie Slogdirt.

LAUGHTER

And if you get the word "orchestra",

do you know what you can make out of "orchestra"?

LAUGHTER

Yes, "carthorse".

They're very similar really, you know.

In both cases, you need a man with a stick to get them started.

So, accompanied by the world's largest string quartet,

I shall now give you the first and possibly only performance

of my new song, The Good Old Days. Mr Herrmann, please, sir.

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO SONG

# My grandma used to tell me

# How when she was a young thing

# The family would gather

# Round the piano for a sing... #

PIANIST PLAYS

# There was then a violin solo... #

VIOLINIST PLAYS

# From Grandma's elder brother

# Which they clapped but not too loudly

# In case he sang another

She said, "It snowed each Christmas

"And the poems used to rhyme

"And the buses had conductors

"And they came one at a time"

# How happily my grandma used to sigh

# As she'd look back on the days gone by and lie

# About the good old days

# She called them the good old days

# The days which once was black are golden, looking back

# Isn't it amazing all the things time can erase

# Leaving just the good old days

# Why do we tell the young that we lived high upon the hog

# Instead of just admitting there was rationing and smog?

# The stuff I tell my kids about my youth is just as wrong

# How my side won each game 3-0

# And the beer was twice as strong

# And the children scoff then grow up

# And to their own children say

# Things is really awful now

# Compared with my young day

# Course they don't like looking back as much as me

# Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

# Not in the good old days

# I call them the good old days

# The days which once was black are golden, looking back

# Isn't it amazing all the things time can raise

# Leaving just the good old days

# Let's hear it for the good old days

# They call it the good old days

# Today which we malign

# Tomorrow will look fine

# So when somebody rambles on the golden days of yore

# Make him put a sock in it Don't let him be a bore

# We'll hear it anyway because it won't be long before

# These are the good old days

# And not the past, not the future, but now

# These are the good old days. #

APPLAUSE

Unequivocally,

the ultimate in velutinous virility.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

A real Irish tenor.

From America,

Mr Robert White!

APPLAUSE

# Trotting to the fair Me and Molly Molony

# Seated, I declare, on a single pony

# How am I to know that Molly's safe behind?

# With our heads in, oh, that awkward, awkward way inclined

# By her gentle breathing Whispered past my ear

# And her small arms wreathing Warm around me here

# Thus on Dobbin's back I discoursed the darling

# Till upon our track leapt a mongrel, snarling

# "Ah," says Moll, "I'm frightened, frightened that the pony'll start"

# And her pretty hands she tightened round my happy heart

# Till I asked her "May I steal a kiss or so?"

# And my Molly's grey eye didn't answer no

# She didn't answer no. #

APPLAUSE

In the good old days, when I was a little lad,

my father taught me a lot of songs and amongst the first of them,

was one of my favourites, even to this day - Duna.

# When I was a little lad

# With folly on my lips

# Fain was I for journeying

# All the seas in ships

# But now across the southern swell

# Every dawn I hear

# The little streams of Duna

# Running clear

# The little streams of Duna

# Running clear

# When I was a young man

# Before my beard was grey

# All to ships and sailoring

# I gave my heart away

# But I'm weary of the sea wind

# I'm weary of the foam

# And the little stars of Duna

# Call me home

# The little stars of Duna

# Call me home

# The little stars of Duna

# Call me home. #

APPLAUSE

# I'll take you home again, Kathleen

# Across the ocean wild and wide

# To where your heart has ever been

# Since first you were my bonnie bride

# The roses all have left your cheek

# I've watched them fade away and die

# Your voice is sad whene'er you speak

# And tears bedim your loving eye

# Oh, I will take you back, Kathleen

# To where your heart shall feel no pain

# And when the fields are fresh and green

# I'll take you to your home

# Again. #

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Uniquely inconsequential,

inimitable,

incomparable,

the one and only Mr Roy Hudd!

APPLAUSE

Whoa!

# Our parlour wanted papering and Pa said it was waste

# To call a paperhanger in So he made some paste

# He bought some rolls of paper Got a ladder and a brush

# And with my mother's nightie on, at it he made a rush

# When Father papered the parlour, you couldn't see Pa for paste

# And dabbing it here, dabbing it there, paste and paper everywhere

# Mother was stuck to the ceiling The kids were stuck to the floor

# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before... #

Oh!

I'm coming back!

# Soon Dad fell down the stairs and dropped his paperhanger's can

# On little Henrietta sitting there with her young man

# The paste stuck them together We thought it would be for life

# We had to call the parson in to make them man and wife

# When Father papered the parlour, you couldn't see Pa for paste

# Dabbing it here, dabbing it there Paste and paper everywhere

# Mother was stuck to the ceiling The kids were stuck to the floor

# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before... #

I'm going the other way now, Mr Sachs.

I work it all out myself.

# We're never going to move away from that house any more

# Cos Father's gone and stuck the chairs and tables to the floor

# We can't find our piano though it's broad and rather tall

# We think that it's behind the paper Pa stuck on the wall

# When Father papered the parlour, you couldn't see Pa for paste

# Dabbing it here, dabbing it there Paste and paper everywhere

# Mother was stuck to the ceiling The kids were stuck to the floor

# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before

# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before. #

APPLAUSE

Thank you! Thank you!

-Thank you and good evening! AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

Do you like the suit?

The Barney Colehan tartan.

Very small checks.

LAUGHTER

Now, ladies and gentlemen, to start my recital this evening,

a short monologue is spoken from the mouth...

LAUGHTER

..entitled A Sailor's Farewell To His Horse.

DRUMBEAT Thank you.

'Twas a dirty night and a dirty trick

When our ship turned over in the Atlantic

DRUMBEAT

It was on the schooner Hesperous

We lay asleep in our bunks

Bound for a cruise where they don't have revues

With a cargo of elephants' trunks

The sea was as smooth as a baby's top lip

Not even a policeman in sight

And the little sardines had got into their tins

And pulled down the lids for the night

DRUMBEAT

We hadn't gone far down the Channel

When a terrible storm arose

The captain stood on the bridge of the ship

And I stood on the bridge of his nose

"This ship's going down," said old Bosun Brown

"I'm sure that we'll never reach Blighty"

"Women and children first," cried the mate

So I put on the old girl's nightie

DRUMBEAT

I swam out to Sidney on my floating kidney

Then back to Alsace Lorraine

As I climbed on the pier, the wife shouted, "I'm here!"

So I dived in the water again

I said to a girl, "You must swim for your life

"Or hang on to a buoy, if you can"...

LAUGHTER

She looked at me, coy, and said, "You're not a boy"

"Get out, you're a dirty old man!"

DRUMBEAT Thank you!

Thank you!

They don't write them like that any more, I tell you.

And I know you're going to join me in expressing your approbation

to the gentleman who provided such a brilliant accompaniment to that,

ladies and gentlemen. Our drummer, Bob, yes.

APPLAUSE

A novel sight, ladies and gentlemen.

A good Jewish boy playing on pigskin.

LAUGHTER

Would you like some more? Yes, we would. All right.

Believe it or not, I've had a request tonight,

ladies and gentlemen. Well, actually I've had two requests.

The first was a physical impossibility. Thank you.

But the second one, someone has asked me to sing

an Albert Chevalier song.

Not My Old Dutch, but one I think that's almost as beautiful.

I'm delighted to do it for you tonight,

a song called The Future Mrs Hawkins.

I knows a little doner

I'm about to own 'er

She's a-goin' to marry me

At first she said she wouldn't

Then she said she couldn't

Then she whispered, "Well, I'll see".

# Says I, "Be Mrs 'Awkins

# "Mrs 'Enry 'Awkins

# "Or across the seas I'll roam

# "So 'elp me, Bob, I'm crazy

# "Liza, you're a daisy

# "Won't you share my 'umble 'ome?"

# "Won't you?"

# Oh, Liza

# Sweet Liza

# If you die an old maid

# You'll 'ave only yourself to blame

# Do you 'ear, Liza

# Dear Liza

# 'Ow do you fancy 'Awkins

# For your other name... #

I shan't forget our greetin'

"Get out!" was 'er greetin'

"Just you mind what you're about"

'Er pretty 'head she throws up

Then she turns 'er nose up

Sayin', "Let me go, I'll shout"

"I like your style," says Liza

I thought as I'd surprise 'er

I cops 'er round the waist like this

Says she, "I must be dreamin'

"Chuck it, I'll start screamin'"

"If you do," says I, "I'll kiss"

Now then...

# Oh, Liza

# Sweet Liza

# If you die an old maid

# You'll 'ave only yourself to blame

# Do you 'ear, Liza?

# Dear Liza

# Mrs 'Enry 'Awkins is a first-class name. #

Yes! APPLAUSE

-Thank you! Ho-ho!

-See you later.

-Thank you.

Whoa!

Thank you!

In a medley of the songs

of none other than Miss Ella Shields,

the Players Theatre enhances the elegances

of Miss Jenny Till!

APPLAUSE

# He's Bertie the Bounder A dandy, that's true

# The ladies all love him and very nice too

# When they see him out in the street

# They all sigh and follow How sweet

# If there is a fight on, he's right on the spot

# He's no fear of danger By jingo, he's hot

# When he smiles, I do declare he barely makes the ladies stare

# Devastating, dashing, what-what. #

Columbus discovered America and found it full of rain

Then Pussyfoot came by train and made it dry again

Many great men have done their bit to improve the world, they say

But who is it made the universe just what it is today?

Smith, Jones, Robinson and Brown

Known in every town as men of great renown

Their name brought old Britain fame

In every port, at any old sport They always played the game

Who is it fights when danger's near?

Who's the best judge of a glass of beer?

Smith, Jones, Robinson and Brown.

-Smith.

-Jones.

-Robinson.

-Brown.

# Known in every town as men of great renown

# Their name brought old Britain fame

# In every port, at any old sport They always played the game... #

Who is it gives three hearty cheers for Mademoiselle from Armentieres?

Smith, Jones, Robinson and Brown.

If you knew Susie like I know Susie...

# Oh, oh, oh, what a girl... #

There's none so classy as this fair lassie...

-# Oh, oh... #

-Holy Moses, what a chassis

We went riding, she didn't balk

From the country, I'm the one that had to walk...

# If you knew Susie like I know Susie

# Oh, oh, what a girl. #

# And there is Adeline

# You've heard them sing about sweet Adeline

# Well, let me tell you she's a pal of mine

# She's divine

# That's just why I'm going back to see my little Adeline

# I'll write a letter and I'll add a line

# And tell her that I'm going to make her mine

# The bells will chime for me and my sweet Adeline

-# Adeline

-Adeline

-# You've heard us sing about sweet Adeline

-Adeline

# Well, let me tell you she's a pal of mine

# Yes, she's divine

# That's just why I'm going back

-# To see my little Adeline

-Adeline

# I'll write a letter and I'll add a line

# Yes, Adeline

# To tell her that I'm going to make her mine

# The bells will chime

# For me and my sweet Adeline

# For me and my sweet Adeline. #

APPLAUSE

I'm Bert, perhaps you have heard of me

Bert, you've heard word of me

Jogging along, hearty and strong

Living on plates of fresh air

I dress up in fashion

And when I'm feeling depressed

I shave from my cuff all the whiskers and fluff

Put my hat on and toddle up West

I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty

And saunter along like a toff

I'll stroll down the Strand with my gloves on my hand

And I'll stroll back again with them off

I'm all airs and graces, correct easy paces

Without food so long I forget where my face is

I'm Bert, Bert I haven't a shirt

But my people are well off, you know

Nearly everyone knows me

From Smith to Lord Rosebury

Well, I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow

I smile condescendingly

While they're extending me

Cheer upon cheer, when I appear

A captain with my polo team

So strict are my people

With their William the Conqueror's strain

If they ever knew I'd been talking to you

Why they'd never look at me again

I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty

Then Buckingham Palace I'll view

I'll stand in the yard while they're changing the guard

And they all shout across "Toodle-oo"

Then the Prince of Wales' brother, along with some other

Claps me on the back and says, "Come and see Mother"

I'm Bert, Bert, and royalty's hurt

When they ask me to dine, I say "No

"I've just had a banana

"With Lady Diana

Well, I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow.

APPLAUSE

When I'm happy, when I'm happy

Singing all the while

I don't need nobody then

To show me how to smile

When I've been out on the spree...

# Toddling down the street

# With this little melody

# Everyone I greet... #

Show me the way to go home

I'm tired and I want to go to bed

I had a little drink about an hour ago

And it's gone right to my head

Wherever I may roam

On land or sea or foam

You can always hear me singing this song

Show me the way to go home...

# Show me the way to go home

# I'm tired and I want to go to bed

# I had a little drink about an hour ago

# And it's gone right to my head

# Wherever I may roam

# On land or sea or foam

# You can always hear me singing this song

# Show me the way to go home

# Show me some way There's only one way

# Show me the way to go home. #

Show me the way to go home!

APPLAUSE

There's just time to ask Mr Roy Hudd

to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Roy Hudd,

the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann

and the entire and absolutely indefatigable orchestra!

CHEERING

But this time, chiefly yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush La-la-la-la-la

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush

# Hear the little German band La-la-la-la-la

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush Bush, Bush. #

APPLAUSE