02/07/1981 The Good Old Days


02/07/1981

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme. With Roy Hudd, Lorna Dallas, Robert White, Richard Stilgoe, Jenny Till, Tom Mennard, Bill Drysdale & Christine Cartwright.


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Transcript


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ORCHESTRA TUNES INSTRUMENTS

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO JOLLY GOOD COMPANY

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# Hello, ain't ya looking well?

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# Hello, ain't ya looking swell?

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# Upon my soul I'm mighty glad to see you

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# Happier than I can tell

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# Here we are again Happy as can be

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# All good pals and jolly good company

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# Strolling round the town Out upon the spree

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# All good pals and jolly good company

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# Never mind the weather Never mind the rain

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# Now we're all together Whoops, she goes again

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# La-di-da-di-da La-di-da-di-dee

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# All good pals and jolly good company. #

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# You should keep your eye on me

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# If a man you wish to see

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# Who has made his way with the least delay

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# To the honoured place he owns today

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# For it is a splendid thing

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# And the best that luck can bring

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# When a man can boast that he fills the post

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# Of the master of the ring

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# For it is a splendid thing

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# And the best that luck can bring

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# When a man can boast that he fills the post

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# Of the master of the ring. #

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# Every afternoon at three

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# Jolly little Polly on the gee-gee-gee

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# Trots along in front of me

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# Jolly little Polly on the gee-gee-gee

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# Though that little gee-gee-gee

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# Hasn't got a little bit of pedigree

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# I would give the world to be

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# That gee-gee-gee

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# Yes, I would give the world to be

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# That gee-gee-gee. #

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And now, our next presentation!

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# He flies through the air with the greatest of ease

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# The daring young man on the flying trapeze

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# His movements are graceful All girls he can please

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# And my love is stolen away

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# He flies through the air with the greatest of ease... #

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Ooh!

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# His movements are graceful All girls he can please... #

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Ooh. And now, for your further edification...

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# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl

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# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl

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# She is smooth and slim and supple

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# And compared with any couple of other girls

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# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl

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# Is a priceless peerless pearl

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# She can stand on her feet Won't be frightened to be

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# That is Sandow girl. #

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# Clowns, clowns, clowns... #

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UNCLEAR LYRICS

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# Never mind the weather Never mind the rain

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# Now we're all together Whoops, she goes again

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# La-di-da-di-da La-di-da-di-dee

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# All good pals and jolly good company

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# All good pals

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# And jolly good company, hoi! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Once again,

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good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

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Prognosticatorally...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..parapolysyllabic...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..primarily two coryphaeus coordinate

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in Corybantic precocities.

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LAUGHTER

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Dazzling dancing!

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We give you, ladies and gentlemen,

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Mr Bill Drysdale

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and Miss Christine Cartwright!

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APPLAUSE

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS DANCE MUSIC

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APPLAUSE

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Ecstatic gentleman in the front row, enjoying -

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the gentleman in the blazer -

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enjoying what I would call fringe benefits.

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And now, ladies and gentlemen,

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mischievously meandering

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in nostalgic reminiscence,

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from Leeds itself - what I believe is called a Leeds Loiner -

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ladies and gentlemen, Mr Tom Mennard!

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APPLAUSE

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As I got towards the pub, the door opened outwards.

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Now, I am six foot one.

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On the door is the biggest brass knob

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you have ever seen in your life

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at a height of three foot and half an inch.

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LAUGHTER

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The door flew out, flattened me against the wall.

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My mate Charlie Hollindale came out.

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He said, "You're crying. Have you had bad news?"

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I said, "Medically, yes."

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He says, "Look, the least I can do is take you in

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"and see that you have a drink."

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So, we go in.

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He says, "Give me your coat

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"and while I'm hanging our coats up, you can order."

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Oh, that's nice!

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I says to the landlord, "Two pints, please."

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He says, "There'll be a slight hold-up.

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"I've got a stoppage in the beer pipe."

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I said, "Oh, it might be water pressure."

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Anyway...

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We got the pints, Charlie comes back,

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and I was talking to him, you know how you do, politics.

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And we were talking about different governments, you know,

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and wondering if this country would ever have one.

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LAUGHTER

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And I noticed Charlie, he was never looking at me,

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he was looking over my shoulder all the time.

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I said, "Just a minute, I'm talking to you.

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"What are you looking over there for?"

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He said, "I'm keeping an eye on my coat."

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I said, "Well, it's rude. I'm talking to you.

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"I don't keep an eye on my coat."

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He said, "You should have. It went five minutes ago."

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LAUGHTER

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT

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I thought I'd like to tell you Though you'll probably be bored

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Of the proudest day I've had in all my life

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It was back in 1870

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When I was just a kid

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And Prince Albert came to tea and brought his wife

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Yes, Victoria, Her Majesty, had tea with us one day

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An occasion that I never shall forget

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When I think of all the work

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And preparation we'd to do

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Well, I just go all limp and break out in a sweat

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Cos we whitewashed every ceiling

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And we polished every floor

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On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

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And I scrubbed the aspidistra

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Till my fingers were quite sore

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On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

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We had bath buns by the dozen

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Mother used 100 eggs

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We had sherry in the trifle

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And my father swigged the dregs

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And we shaved the horsehair sofa

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So's it wouldn't prick her legs

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On the day that Queen Victoria and Albert came to tea

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Uncle Fred wore his new cap

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Oh, yes, he really went to town

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On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

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And my grandma wore her teeth

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Mind you, she wore them upside down

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On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

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Then the chair that Albert sat on broke

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He slithered to the floor

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And his elbow caught the fender

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And though I wouldn't say he swore

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He said much more than Gladstone did in 1894

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On the day that Queen Victoria and Albert came to tea

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We sang just a song at twilight

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And everybody cheered

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On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

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And Albert lit a cigar

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And set fire to his beard

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On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea

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We had Eccles cakes and bath buns

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And home-made rhubarb wine

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And Albert had a skinful

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And all was going fine

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Till young Fred says, "Dad

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"Is this the bloke who called a German swine?"

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On the day that Queen Victoria and Albert came to tea.

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Thank you. Bye. Cheers.

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APPLAUSE

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Ecstatically pulchritudinous...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-From the Latin "pulcher".

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-LAUGHTER

-Lovely.

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Always lambently lovely,

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your own, my own,

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everybody's own,

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Miss Lorna Dallas!

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APPLAUSE

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# I miss you so, honey

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# When you are away

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# I find myself dreaming of you

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# Night and day

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# I'm losing my appetite

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# Losing my mind

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# I try to forget for a while

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# Then I find

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# That every little while

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# I feel so lonely

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# Every little while

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# I feel so blue

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# I'm always dreaming

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# I'm always scheming

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# Because I want you

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# And only you

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# Every little while

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# My heart is aching

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# Every little while

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# I miss your smile

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# And all the time I seem to miss you

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# I want to, want to kiss you

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# Every, every, every little while. #

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# Beautiful dreamer

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# Wake unto me

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# Starlight and dewdrops

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# Are waiting for thee

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# Sounds of the rude world

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# Heard in the day

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# Lulled by the moonlight

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# Have all passed away

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# Beautiful dreamer

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# Queen of my song

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# List' while I woo thee

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# With soft melody

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# Gone are the cares of

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# Life's busy throng

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# Beautiful dreamer

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# Awake unto me

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# Beautiful dreamer

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# Awake unto me. #

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# For I can give you the starlight

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# Love unchanging and true

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# I can give you the ocean

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# Deep and tender devotion

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# I can give you the mountains

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# Pools of shimmering blue

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# Call and I shall be

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# All you ask of me

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# Music in spring

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# Flowers for a king

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# All these I bring to you. #

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APPLAUSE

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In a subtle distillation

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of serendipitous...

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LAUGHTER

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..whimsicalities,

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welcome, a very warm welcome,

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to Mr Richard Stilgoe!

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APPLAUSE

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-Thank you, thank you. Good evening. AUDIENCE:

-Good evening.

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-Thank you very much. My name is... AUDIENCE:

-Richard Stilgoe.

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LAUGHTER

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Got it. Thank you, thank you very much. Good evening.

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My name is Henry Irving.

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I want you, if you can, to take yourselves forward in time to 1903.

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For those of you who haven't got used to these newfangled ideas yet,

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that is three minutes past seven.

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I ought, therefore... I ought, therefore, to tell you the news,

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as it's just past seven o'clock,

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and for those of you interested in politics,

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you will have been worried about the goings-on in the Whig party.

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Well, I have to tell you that, after all the argy-bargy,

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finally the Whigs have split.

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And a very unpleasant sight it is, too!

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We may have to do away with the Whigs altogether, in fact,

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start again with a new centre parting.

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I... LAUGHTER

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I ought, really, to be brave.

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But I might fall off if I go out there.

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Well, like all this lot have.

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That's what happened. All of these were big stars once.

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Walked out down the catwalk, fell in.

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Now they all have to sit there, pretending to be musicians.

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I ought, really, to... LAUGHTER

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I know you lot!

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You're the ones who sit up in the box going,

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"This one's even worse than the bear."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I shall be brave. Mr Auctioneer, how nice to meet you.

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I hope you get a good price for all the acts.

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Oh...

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-Is there a Florence Nightingale in the house?

-Oh, yes.

-Bless you.

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One of my hobbies is anagrams. Take the name Richard Stilgoe.

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Out of it you can get people like Archie Slogdirt.

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LAUGHTER

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And if you get the word "orchestra",

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do you know what you can make out of "orchestra"?

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LAUGHTER

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Yes, "carthorse".

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They're very similar really, you know.

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In both cases, you need a man with a stick to get them started.

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So, accompanied by the world's largest string quartet,

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I shall now give you the first and possibly only performance

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of my new song, The Good Old Days. Mr Herrmann, please, sir.

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO SONG

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# My grandma used to tell me

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# How when she was a young thing

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# The family would gather

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# Round the piano for a sing... #

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PIANIST PLAYS

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# There was then a violin solo... #

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VIOLINIST PLAYS

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# From Grandma's elder brother

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# Which they clapped but not too loudly

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# In case he sang another

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She said, "It snowed each Christmas

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"And the poems used to rhyme

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"And the buses had conductors

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"And they came one at a time"

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# How happily my grandma used to sigh

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# As she'd look back on the days gone by and lie

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# About the good old days

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# She called them the good old days

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# The days which once was black are golden, looking back

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# Isn't it amazing all the things time can erase

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# Leaving just the good old days

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# Why do we tell the young that we lived high upon the hog

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# Instead of just admitting there was rationing and smog?

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# The stuff I tell my kids about my youth is just as wrong

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# How my side won each game 3-0

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# And the beer was twice as strong

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# And the children scoff then grow up

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# And to their own children say

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# Things is really awful now

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# Compared with my young day

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# Course they don't like looking back as much as me

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# Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

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# Not in the good old days

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# I call them the good old days

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# The days which once was black are golden, looking back

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# Isn't it amazing all the things time can raise

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# Leaving just the good old days

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# Let's hear it for the good old days

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# They call it the good old days

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# Today which we malign

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# Tomorrow will look fine

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# So when somebody rambles on the golden days of yore

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# Make him put a sock in it Don't let him be a bore

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# We'll hear it anyway because it won't be long before

0:23:450:23:50

# These are the good old days

0:23:500:23:54

# And not the past, not the future, but now

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# These are the good old days. #

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APPLAUSE

0:24:060:24:09

Unequivocally,

0:24:230:24:26

the ultimate in velutinous virility.

0:24:260:24:31

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:24:310:24:33

A real Irish tenor.

0:24:330:24:36

From America,

0:24:360:24:38

Mr Robert White!

0:24:380:24:42

APPLAUSE

0:24:420:24:45

# Trotting to the fair Me and Molly Molony

0:24:480:24:52

# Seated, I declare, on a single pony

0:24:520:24:57

# How am I to know that Molly's safe behind?

0:24:570:25:00

# With our heads in, oh, that awkward, awkward way inclined

0:25:000:25:07

# By her gentle breathing Whispered past my ear

0:25:070:25:12

# And her small arms wreathing Warm around me here

0:25:120:25:18

# Thus on Dobbin's back I discoursed the darling

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# Till upon our track leapt a mongrel, snarling

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# "Ah," says Moll, "I'm frightened, frightened that the pony'll start"

0:25:310:25:34

# And her pretty hands she tightened round my happy heart

0:25:340:25:42

# Till I asked her "May I steal a kiss or so?"

0:25:420:25:46

# And my Molly's grey eye didn't answer no

0:25:460:25:51

# She didn't answer no. #

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APPLAUSE

0:25:580:26:01

In the good old days, when I was a little lad,

0:26:090:26:11

my father taught me a lot of songs and amongst the first of them,

0:26:110:26:14

was one of my favourites, even to this day - Duna.

0:26:140:26:18

# When I was a little lad

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# With folly on my lips

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# Fain was I for journeying

0:26:310:26:34

# All the seas in ships

0:26:340:26:37

# But now across the southern swell

0:26:370:26:41

# Every dawn I hear

0:26:410:26:45

# The little streams of Duna

0:26:450:26:48

# Running clear

0:26:480:26:55

# The little streams of Duna

0:26:550:26:59

# Running clear

0:26:590:27:04

# When I was a young man

0:27:090:27:12

# Before my beard was grey

0:27:120:27:15

# All to ships and sailoring

0:27:150:27:18

# I gave my heart away

0:27:180:27:22

# But I'm weary of the sea wind

0:27:220:27:27

# I'm weary of the foam

0:27:270:27:31

# And the little stars of Duna

0:27:310:27:36

# Call me home

0:27:360:27:44

# The little stars of Duna

0:27:440:27:48

# Call me home

0:27:480:27:55

# The little stars of Duna

0:27:550:27:59

# Call me home. #

0:27:590:28:15

APPLAUSE

0:28:180:28:21

# I'll take you home again, Kathleen

0:28:330:28:41

# Across the ocean wild and wide

0:28:410:28:48

# To where your heart has ever been

0:28:480:28:55

# Since first you were my bonnie bride

0:28:550:29:03

# The roses all have left your cheek

0:29:030:29:10

# I've watched them fade away and die

0:29:100:29:18

# Your voice is sad whene'er you speak

0:29:180:29:26

# And tears bedim your loving eye

0:29:260:29:35

# Oh, I will take you back, Kathleen

0:29:350:29:45

# To where your heart shall feel no pain

0:29:450:29:53

# And when the fields are fresh and green

0:29:530:30:03

# I'll take you to your home

0:30:030:30:13

# Again. #

0:30:130:30:23

APPLAUSE

0:30:230:30:27

APPLAUSE

0:30:380:30:42

Uniquely inconsequential,

0:30:440:30:49

inimitable,

0:30:490:30:51

incomparable,

0:30:510:30:53

the one and only Mr Roy Hudd!

0:30:530:30:58

APPLAUSE

0:30:580:31:02

Whoa!

0:31:020:31:04

# Our parlour wanted papering and Pa said it was waste

0:31:040:31:08

# To call a paperhanger in So he made some paste

0:31:080:31:11

# He bought some rolls of paper Got a ladder and a brush

0:31:110:31:14

# And with my mother's nightie on, at it he made a rush

0:31:140:31:17

# When Father papered the parlour, you couldn't see Pa for paste

0:31:170:31:21

# And dabbing it here, dabbing it there, paste and paper everywhere

0:31:210:31:24

# Mother was stuck to the ceiling The kids were stuck to the floor

0:31:240:31:27

# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before... #

0:31:270:31:31

Oh!

0:31:310:31:32

I'm coming back!

0:31:330:31:35

# Soon Dad fell down the stairs and dropped his paperhanger's can

0:31:370:31:40

# On little Henrietta sitting there with her young man

0:31:400:31:44

# The paste stuck them together We thought it would be for life

0:31:440:31:47

# We had to call the parson in to make them man and wife

0:31:470:31:50

# When Father papered the parlour, you couldn't see Pa for paste

0:31:500:31:54

# Dabbing it here, dabbing it there Paste and paper everywhere

0:31:540:31:57

# Mother was stuck to the ceiling The kids were stuck to the floor

0:31:570:32:01

# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before... #

0:32:010:32:03

I'm going the other way now, Mr Sachs.

0:32:030:32:06

I work it all out myself.

0:32:060:32:08

# We're never going to move away from that house any more

0:32:100:32:13

# Cos Father's gone and stuck the chairs and tables to the floor

0:32:130:32:17

# We can't find our piano though it's broad and rather tall

0:32:170:32:20

# We think that it's behind the paper Pa stuck on the wall

0:32:200:32:23

# When Father papered the parlour, you couldn't see Pa for paste

0:32:230:32:27

# Dabbing it here, dabbing it there Paste and paper everywhere

0:32:270:32:31

# Mother was stuck to the ceiling The kids were stuck to the floor

0:32:310:32:34

# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before

0:32:340:32:37

# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before. #

0:32:370:32:41

APPLAUSE

0:32:410:32:44

Thank you! Thank you!

0:32:440:32:47

-Thank you and good evening! AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

0:32:500:32:54

Do you like the suit?

0:32:540:32:57

The Barney Colehan tartan.

0:32:570:33:00

Very small checks.

0:33:000:33:02

LAUGHTER

0:33:020:33:05

Now, ladies and gentlemen, to start my recital this evening,

0:33:050:33:09

a short monologue is spoken from the mouth...

0:33:090:33:12

LAUGHTER

0:33:120:33:14

..entitled A Sailor's Farewell To His Horse.

0:33:140:33:18

DRUMBEAT Thank you.

0:33:180:33:20

'Twas a dirty night and a dirty trick

0:33:200:33:23

When our ship turned over in the Atlantic

0:33:230:33:26

DRUMBEAT

0:33:260:33:28

It was on the schooner Hesperous

0:33:280:33:30

We lay asleep in our bunks

0:33:310:33:33

Bound for a cruise where they don't have revues

0:33:330:33:36

With a cargo of elephants' trunks

0:33:360:33:38

The sea was as smooth as a baby's top lip

0:33:390:33:43

Not even a policeman in sight

0:33:450:33:47

And the little sardines had got into their tins

0:33:470:33:50

And pulled down the lids for the night

0:33:500:33:52

DRUMBEAT

0:33:520:33:54

We hadn't gone far down the Channel

0:33:560:33:58

When a terrible storm arose

0:33:580:33:59

The captain stood on the bridge of the ship

0:33:590:34:01

And I stood on the bridge of his nose

0:34:010:34:03

"This ship's going down," said old Bosun Brown

0:34:060:34:08

"I'm sure that we'll never reach Blighty"

0:34:080:34:11

"Women and children first," cried the mate

0:34:110:34:13

So I put on the old girl's nightie

0:34:130:34:15

DRUMBEAT

0:34:150:34:17

I swam out to Sidney on my floating kidney

0:34:170:34:19

Then back to Alsace Lorraine

0:34:210:34:23

As I climbed on the pier, the wife shouted, "I'm here!"

0:34:230:34:26

So I dived in the water again

0:34:260:34:28

I said to a girl, "You must swim for your life

0:34:290:34:32

"Or hang on to a buoy, if you can"...

0:34:320:34:35

LAUGHTER

0:34:350:34:38

She looked at me, coy, and said, "You're not a boy"

0:34:400:34:42

"Get out, you're a dirty old man!"

0:34:420:34:44

DRUMBEAT Thank you!

0:34:440:34:46

Thank you!

0:34:500:34:52

They don't write them like that any more, I tell you.

0:34:530:34:56

And I know you're going to join me in expressing your approbation

0:34:560:34:59

to the gentleman who provided such a brilliant accompaniment to that,

0:34:590:35:02

ladies and gentlemen. Our drummer, Bob, yes.

0:35:020:35:05

APPLAUSE

0:35:050:35:07

A novel sight, ladies and gentlemen.

0:35:090:35:11

A good Jewish boy playing on pigskin.

0:35:110:35:14

LAUGHTER

0:35:140:35:16

Would you like some more? Yes, we would. All right.

0:35:180:35:20

Believe it or not, I've had a request tonight,

0:35:200:35:23

ladies and gentlemen. Well, actually I've had two requests.

0:35:230:35:26

The first was a physical impossibility. Thank you.

0:35:260:35:29

But the second one, someone has asked me to sing

0:35:290:35:31

an Albert Chevalier song.

0:35:310:35:33

Not My Old Dutch, but one I think that's almost as beautiful.

0:35:330:35:35

I'm delighted to do it for you tonight,

0:35:350:35:37

a song called The Future Mrs Hawkins.

0:35:370:35:40

I knows a little doner

0:35:470:35:50

I'm about to own 'er

0:35:500:35:52

She's a-goin' to marry me

0:35:520:35:55

At first she said she wouldn't

0:35:570:35:59

Then she said she couldn't

0:35:590:36:01

Then she whispered, "Well, I'll see".

0:36:010:36:04

# Says I, "Be Mrs 'Awkins

0:36:060:36:09

# "Mrs 'Enry 'Awkins

0:36:090:36:11

# "Or across the seas I'll roam

0:36:110:36:14

# "So 'elp me, Bob, I'm crazy

0:36:150:36:18

# "Liza, you're a daisy

0:36:180:36:21

# "Won't you share my 'umble 'ome?"

0:36:210:36:24

# "Won't you?"

0:36:240:36:26

# Oh, Liza

0:36:270:36:30

# Sweet Liza

0:36:300:36:33

# If you die an old maid

0:36:330:36:36

# You'll 'ave only yourself to blame

0:36:360:36:40

# Do you 'ear, Liza

0:36:400:36:43

# Dear Liza

0:36:430:36:45

# 'Ow do you fancy 'Awkins

0:36:450:36:48

# For your other name... #

0:36:480:36:53

I shan't forget our greetin'

0:37:040:37:06

"Get out!" was 'er greetin'

0:37:060:37:09

"Just you mind what you're about"

0:37:090:37:11

'Er pretty 'head she throws up

0:37:130:37:15

Then she turns 'er nose up

0:37:150:37:18

Sayin', "Let me go, I'll shout"

0:37:180:37:21

"I like your style," says Liza

0:37:230:37:25

I thought as I'd surprise 'er

0:37:250:37:27

I cops 'er round the waist like this

0:37:270:37:30

Says she, "I must be dreamin'

0:37:310:37:34

"Chuck it, I'll start screamin'"

0:37:340:37:37

"If you do," says I, "I'll kiss"

0:37:370:37:40

Now then...

0:37:410:37:43

# Oh, Liza

0:37:430:37:47

# Sweet Liza

0:37:470:37:50

# If you die an old maid

0:37:500:37:53

# You'll 'ave only yourself to blame

0:37:530:37:56

# Do you 'ear, Liza?

0:37:560:37:59

# Dear Liza

0:37:590:38:02

# Mrs 'Enry 'Awkins is a first-class name. #

0:38:020:38:11

Yes! APPLAUSE

0:38:130:38:16

-Thank you! Ho-ho!

-See you later.

-Thank you.

0:38:170:38:21

Whoa!

0:38:210:38:23

Thank you!

0:38:250:38:26

In a medley of the songs

0:38:330:38:36

of none other than Miss Ella Shields,

0:38:360:38:40

the Players Theatre enhances the elegances

0:38:400:38:44

of Miss Jenny Till!

0:38:440:38:48

APPLAUSE

0:38:480:38:50

# He's Bertie the Bounder A dandy, that's true

0:39:260:39:29

# The ladies all love him and very nice too

0:39:290:39:33

# When they see him out in the street

0:39:330:39:37

# They all sigh and follow How sweet

0:39:370:39:41

# If there is a fight on, he's right on the spot

0:39:410:39:44

# He's no fear of danger By jingo, he's hot

0:39:440:39:48

# When he smiles, I do declare he barely makes the ladies stare

0:39:480:39:52

# Devastating, dashing, what-what. #

0:39:520:39:55

Columbus discovered America and found it full of rain

0:40:070:40:11

Then Pussyfoot came by train and made it dry again

0:40:110:40:15

Many great men have done their bit to improve the world, they say

0:40:150:40:19

But who is it made the universe just what it is today?

0:40:190:40:24

Smith, Jones, Robinson and Brown

0:40:240:40:28

Known in every town as men of great renown

0:40:280:40:32

Their name brought old Britain fame

0:40:320:40:35

In every port, at any old sport They always played the game

0:40:350:40:39

Who is it fights when danger's near?

0:40:390:40:41

Who's the best judge of a glass of beer?

0:40:410:40:43

Smith, Jones, Robinson and Brown.

0:40:430:40:47

-Smith.

-Jones.

-Robinson.

-Brown.

0:40:470:40:50

# Known in every town as men of great renown

0:40:500:40:54

# Their name brought old Britain fame

0:40:540:40:58

# In every port, at any old sport They always played the game... #

0:40:580:41:02

Who is it gives three hearty cheers for Mademoiselle from Armentieres?

0:41:020:41:06

Smith, Jones, Robinson and Brown.

0:41:060:41:10

If you knew Susie like I know Susie...

0:41:130:41:17

# Oh, oh, oh, what a girl... #

0:41:170:41:20

There's none so classy as this fair lassie...

0:41:200:41:24

-# Oh, oh... #

-Holy Moses, what a chassis

0:41:240:41:28

We went riding, she didn't balk

0:41:280:41:31

From the country, I'm the one that had to walk...

0:41:310:41:35

# If you knew Susie like I know Susie

0:41:350:41:39

# Oh, oh, what a girl. #

0:41:390:41:42

# And there is Adeline

0:41:420:41:45

# You've heard them sing about sweet Adeline

0:41:450:41:48

# Well, let me tell you she's a pal of mine

0:41:480:41:52

# She's divine

0:41:520:41:54

# That's just why I'm going back to see my little Adeline

0:41:540:41:59

# I'll write a letter and I'll add a line

0:41:590:42:03

# And tell her that I'm going to make her mine

0:42:030:42:06

# The bells will chime for me and my sweet Adeline

0:42:060:42:11

-# Adeline

-Adeline

0:42:110:42:14

-# You've heard us sing about sweet Adeline

-Adeline

0:42:140:42:17

# Well, let me tell you she's a pal of mine

0:42:170:42:20

# Yes, she's divine

0:42:200:42:22

# That's just why I'm going back

0:42:220:42:25

-# To see my little Adeline

-Adeline

0:42:250:42:28

# I'll write a letter and I'll add a line

0:42:280:42:30

# Yes, Adeline

0:42:300:42:32

# To tell her that I'm going to make her mine

0:42:320:42:34

# The bells will chime

0:42:340:42:36

# For me and my sweet Adeline

0:42:360:42:39

# For me and my sweet Adeline. #

0:42:390:42:50

APPLAUSE

0:42:500:42:53

I'm Bert, perhaps you have heard of me

0:43:160:43:20

Bert, you've heard word of me

0:43:200:43:24

Jogging along, hearty and strong

0:43:240:43:28

Living on plates of fresh air

0:43:280:43:31

I dress up in fashion

0:43:310:43:35

And when I'm feeling depressed

0:43:350:43:38

I shave from my cuff all the whiskers and fluff

0:43:380:43:43

Put my hat on and toddle up West

0:43:430:43:47

I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty

0:43:480:43:53

And saunter along like a toff

0:43:530:43:56

I'll stroll down the Strand with my gloves on my hand

0:43:560:44:00

And I'll stroll back again with them off

0:44:000:44:03

I'm all airs and graces, correct easy paces

0:44:030:44:08

Without food so long I forget where my face is

0:44:080:44:11

I'm Bert, Bert I haven't a shirt

0:44:110:44:15

But my people are well off, you know

0:44:150:44:18

Nearly everyone knows me

0:44:180:44:21

From Smith to Lord Rosebury

0:44:210:44:24

Well, I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow

0:44:240:44:28

I smile condescendingly

0:44:360:44:40

While they're extending me

0:44:400:44:43

Cheer upon cheer, when I appear

0:44:430:44:47

A captain with my polo team

0:44:470:44:50

So strict are my people

0:44:500:44:54

With their William the Conqueror's strain

0:44:540:44:58

If they ever knew I'd been talking to you

0:44:580:45:03

Why they'd never look at me again

0:45:030:45:06

I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty

0:45:080:45:11

Then Buckingham Palace I'll view

0:45:110:45:15

I'll stand in the yard while they're changing the guard

0:45:150:45:19

And they all shout across "Toodle-oo"

0:45:190:45:22

Then the Prince of Wales' brother, along with some other

0:45:220:45:26

Claps me on the back and says, "Come and see Mother"

0:45:260:45:30

I'm Bert, Bert, and royalty's hurt

0:45:300:45:34

When they ask me to dine, I say "No

0:45:340:45:38

"I've just had a banana

0:45:380:45:41

"With Lady Diana

0:45:410:45:44

Well, I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow.

0:45:440:45:48

APPLAUSE

0:45:500:45:53

When I'm happy, when I'm happy

0:46:030:46:06

Singing all the while

0:46:060:46:08

I don't need nobody then

0:46:080:46:11

To show me how to smile

0:46:110:46:14

When I've been out on the spree...

0:46:140:46:17

# Toddling down the street

0:46:170:46:19

# With this little melody

0:46:190:46:23

# Everyone I greet... #

0:46:230:46:26

Show me the way to go home

0:46:290:46:32

I'm tired and I want to go to bed

0:46:330:46:35

I had a little drink about an hour ago

0:46:360:46:40

And it's gone right to my head

0:46:400:46:44

Wherever I may roam

0:46:450:46:48

On land or sea or foam

0:46:480:46:53

You can always hear me singing this song

0:46:530:46:57

Show me the way to go home...

0:46:570:47:00

# Show me the way to go home

0:47:020:47:05

# I'm tired and I want to go to bed

0:47:050:47:09

# I had a little drink about an hour ago

0:47:090:47:14

# And it's gone right to my head

0:47:140:47:18

# Wherever I may roam

0:47:180:47:22

# On land or sea or foam

0:47:220:47:26

# You can always hear me singing this song

0:47:260:47:30

# Show me the way to go home

0:47:300:47:34

# Show me some way There's only one way

0:47:340:47:38

# Show me the way to go home. #

0:47:380:47:46

Show me the way to go home!

0:47:460:47:49

APPLAUSE

0:47:500:47:53

There's just time to ask Mr Roy Hudd

0:48:050:48:09

to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

0:48:090:48:12

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:48:120:48:13

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Roy Hudd,

0:48:130:48:15

the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann

0:48:150:48:17

and the entire and absolutely indefatigable orchestra!

0:48:170:48:21

CHEERING

0:48:210:48:23

But this time, chiefly yourselves!

0:48:230:48:29

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:48:320:48:36

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush La-la-la-la-la

0:48:360:48:39

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:48:390:48:43

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush

0:48:430:48:46

# Hear the little German band La-la-la-la-la

0:48:460:48:50

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:48:500:48:53

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

0:48:530:48:57

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush Bush, Bush. #

0:48:570:49:01

APPLAUSE

0:49:010:49:04

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme, first broadcast on 2 July 1981. Featuring Roy Hudd, Lorna Dallas, Robert White, Richard Stilgoe, Jenny Till, Tom Mennard, Bill Drysdale & Christine Cartwright, and members of the Players' Theatre.


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