16/07/1981 The Good Old Days


16/07/1981

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme. Featuring Roy Castle, Clive Dunn, Anna Dawson, Maryetta and Vernon Midgley, Dudley Stevens and The Cambridge Buskers.


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Transcript


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ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HAT?

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# Oh, where did you get that hat?

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# Where did you get that tile?

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# Isn't it a nobby one and just the proper style?

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# I should like to have one just the same as that

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# Wherever I go, they'd shout, "Hello

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# "Where did you get that hat?" #

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CHEERING

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THE PLAYERS SHOUT AND LAUGH

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# I'm a bold, bad villain I roam the angry sea

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# My life is one of crime and piracy

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# If a sweet young damsel should chance to catch my eye

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# I tell to her the story that the spider told the fly

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-# Then I snap my finger Ha, ha, ha, ha!

-Ha, ha, ha, ha!

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-# And I snap the other one Ho, ho, ho, ho!

-Ho, ho, ho, ho!

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# I don't care should the parent pine

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# Once aboard the lugger and the girl is mine

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-# Then I set my sails and sail away

-Sail away

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# No pirate e'er was cooler

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# For wheree'er I go, I fear no foe

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# On the good ship Yacki-hicki-doo-la

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# On the good ship Yacki-hicki-doo-la. #

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# Yo ho, little girls, yo ho

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# That's so, little girls, that's so

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# Oh, it sounds all right in a sailor's song

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# But you find out soon that it all goes wrong

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# Heave ahead my hearties

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# And if you want to know

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# I'll spin you a yarn ahead and astarn

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# Yo ho, little girls, yo ho

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-# Yo ho, little girls, yo ho!

-Yo, ho, yo, ho

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-# That's so, little girls, that's so

-That's so, that's so

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# Oh, it sounds all right in a sailor's song

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# But you find out soon that it all goes wrong

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# Heave ahead my hearties

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# And if you want to know

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# I'll spin you a yarn ahead and astarn

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# Yo ho, little girls, yo ho. #

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# 'Twas in the broad Atlantic

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# Mid the equinoctial gale

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# A young fellow fell overboard

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# Among the sharks and whales

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# He fell right down so quickly

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# So headlong down fell he

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# But he went down the side like a streak of light

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# To the bottom of the deep blue sea

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# Singing Rule Britannia

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# Britannia rule the waves

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# Britons never, never, never shall be

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# Married to a mermaid

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# At the bottom of the deep blue sea

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# Singing Rule Britannia

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# Britannia rule the waves

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# Britons never, never, never shall be

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# Married to a mermaid

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# At the bottom of the deep blue sea. #

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Whoa!

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# Oh, whiskey is the life of man

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# Whiskey Johnny

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# I'll drink whiskey while I can

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# Whiskey, Whiskey Johnny

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# Whiskey hot and whiskey cold

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# Whiskey Johnny

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# Whiskey new and whiskey old

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# Whiskey, Whiskey Johnny

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# Whiskey here and whiskey there

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# Whiskey Johnny

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# I have whiskey everywhere

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# Whiskey, Whiskey Johnny

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# Whiskey made me porn my clothes

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# Whiskey Johnny

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# Whiskey gave me this red nose

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# Whiskey, Whiskey Johnny. #

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THEY SHOUT AND LAUGH

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# What shall we do with the drunken sailor?

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# What shall we do with the drunken sailor?

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# What shall we do with the drunken sailor early in the morning?

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# Put him in the long boat till he's sober

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# Put him in the long boat till he's sober

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# Put him in the long boat till he's sober early in the morning

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# Way-hay and up she rises

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# Way-hay and up she rises

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# Way-hay and up she rises early in the morning

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# Way-hay and up she rises

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# Way-hay and up she rises

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# Way-hay and up she rises

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# Early in the morning

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# Early in the morning, way-hay! #

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Once again...

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I thought you were never going to answer!

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..good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

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Lovely, elucidatorally

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eulogising inaugurally for your approbation...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

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..itinerant musical street vendors,

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the Cambridge Buskers!

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APPLAUSE

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THEY PLAY A JAUNTY TUNE

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HE PLAYS TWO HARMONIES SIMULTANEOUSLY

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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THEY PLAY A JAUNTY TUNE

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THEY PLAY A JAUNTY TUNE

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THEY SPEED UP

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APPLAUSE

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An exposition of post inebriacy...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

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..tristesse.

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-French for a hangover.

-LAUGHTER

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The outrageous grotesquery of the musicologist's nightmare,

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caviar to some several European generals...

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Madame Anna Dawson!

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APPLAUSE

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Oh!

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# Last night was one of those nights you remember

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# The kind of night that you never forget

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# A glass of wine, maybe two Who remembers?

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# A lot of laughs with the people you met... #

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Ha-ha-ha... Oh!

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# A cavalry officer simply divine showed me his spurs... #

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

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# Or did I show him mine?

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# Though I know that I had a ball

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# I can't recall last night at all

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# What's that word I wrote on the wall?

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# I don't wish to recall

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# Last night at all... #

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Phew.

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# The night was perfect and bright stars were shining

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# At 12 o'clock I recall we had rain

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# A group sang madrigals while we were dining

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# Someone kept filling my glass with champagne

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# A woman got drunk It was dreadful to see

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# She stripped to the waist... #

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

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# Oh, my God

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# Was that me?

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# Though I know that I had a ball

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# I don't recall last night at all

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# I lost my broach

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# I hope that was all

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# I don't wish to recall last night at all. #

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you!

0:11:360:11:37

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoa!

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Thank you.

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# Before I deliver a little encore

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# There's something I wish to make clear

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# They say I brought pleasure to millions or more

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# They say that my singing helped win the last war

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# When I sang to the troops in the rear

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# I'm a dame with a name at the peak of my fame

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# I'm known as the Empress of Song

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# The critics bravo And the critics should know

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# But I cannot help feeling they're wrong

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# I'm lauded, applauded, recorded, but list'

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# I've a musical flaw

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# That they seem to have missed

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# That they seem to have missed... #

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LAUGHTER

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# That they seem to have missed

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# I'm tone deaf

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# Music means nothing to me

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# It's only the way my accompanists play

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# That makes me appear I'm in key

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# Stone tone deaf

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# Can't tell a B from my F

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# I stand by my pianist, watching his face

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# For he told me to start when he gets to the place

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# Where he gives me a whacking great...

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DISCORDANT PIANO NOTE # ..in the bass

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# Because I'm tone

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OFF-KEY: # Deaf

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# I'm tone deaf

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# Never knew much about pitch

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# Some people you know can sing so-la-ti-do

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# And claim they can tell which is which

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# Stone tone deaf

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# Can't tell a B from an F

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# Stravinsky once said, "Now I don't want to carp

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# "But if that's a B natural played on that harp

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# "Then you're either B-flat, dear, or bloody B-sharp"

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# Oh, well, I'm tone

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OFF-KEY: # Deaf

0:14:240:14:35

# I'm tone deaf

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# But in most modern works for the voice

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# The note that you hit doesn't matter a bit

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# So it's purely a matter of choice

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# Stone tone deaf

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# Musically D-E-A-F

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# Now, perhaps Covent Garden can do without me

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# But whilst I provide an exorbitant fee

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# I can always get work with the dear BBC... #

0:15:050:15:12

PIANIST PLAYS THREE NOTES

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LAUGHTER

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# D-F-C... #

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PIANIST REPEATS PREVIOUS THREE NOTES

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# N-B-G...? #

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LAUGHTER

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# Oh, well, I'm tone

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# Deaf

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# Yes, I'm tone

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OFF-KEY: # Deaf. #

0:15:390:15:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Voluble in verisimilitudinous...

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From verisimilitude.

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..vicissit...

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..vicissitudinous vacuities,

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that darling buttonholing veteran of the Army...

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Who? Who but?

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Mr Clive... Say it.

0:16:300:16:32

-ALL:

-Dunn!

0:16:320:16:34

APPLAUSE

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ORCHESTRA PLAYS A MARCH

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Ladies and gent... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Chairman,

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my lords, ladies and others...

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LAUGHTER

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It is not only a great honour to come to speak to you

0:17:010:17:04

in this hall tonight,

0:17:040:17:06

it is also highly inconvenient.

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I see, by the way, sir, that you're showing your medals.

0:17:100:17:13

Really?

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LAUGHTER

0:17:150:17:16

-Oh, the medals.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yes, I got that one for bravery.

-Oh.

0:17:160:17:21

-I saved the whole regiment from being killed.

-How did you do that?

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I shot the cook. LAUGHTER

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-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:17:300:17:32

Now, I've just remembered...

0:17:320:17:34

-I've just remembered, Mr Sachs.

-Yes, sir?

0:17:340:17:37

Do you mind if I lend you my hat to look after for me?

0:17:370:17:39

-No, it's a lovely topi.

-I've just remembered where I last saw you.

0:17:390:17:42

-Where was that?

-In the Boer War, wasn't it?

-Yes.

0:17:420:17:45

Course it was!

0:17:450:17:47

That was at the battle of Bloem... Boem.....

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Yeah, Bloemfontein. And Majuba Hill.

0:17:500:17:54

You filthy swine. LAUGHTER

0:17:540:17:56

Yeah, that was where it was.

0:17:560:17:58

You were the young officer in charge of retreating. I remember you.

0:17:580:18:01

You had them boots made with the heels in the front.

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I remember it well.

0:18:040:18:06

I've got to tell you about Africa and this campaign I was in.

0:18:060:18:10

It was terrifically exciting.

0:18:100:18:12

Me and my young friend, we were really happy.

0:18:120:18:14

We were in the infantry, you see.

0:18:140:18:16

And we were having a nice time and, suddenly, a young officer came in

0:18:160:18:20

and he said, "General Gordon wants to be relieved," he said.

0:18:200:18:24

Well, I thought that sounded a bit of fun, you know.

0:18:240:18:28

Anyway, he said, "You will have to join the Camel Corps

0:18:290:18:32

"and you must have a medical examination."

0:18:320:18:34

So, my friend went in to have his medical examination

0:18:340:18:37

and he came out all smiles. I said, "What you smiling for?"

0:18:370:18:41

He said, "I haven't got to go in the Camel Corps." I said, "Why not?"

0:18:410:18:44

He said, "You know I have to wear this truss. I don't have to go in."

0:18:440:18:48

So, I said, "Well, could you lend it to me for a few minutes?"

0:18:480:18:52

So, he said, "Of course."

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So I went and hid behind a Sergeant Major and put it on

0:18:540:18:57

and then I went in and the doctor gave me a thorough examination

0:18:570:19:00

and he said, "Well, I'm afraid

0:19:000:19:02

"you'll have to go in the Camel Corps."

0:19:020:19:04

I said, "Why? What's the matter?"

0:19:040:19:06

And he said, How long have you been wearing that?"

0:19:060:19:09

I said, "Three years, sir."

0:19:090:19:10

He said, "You're definitely going in the Camel Corps.

0:19:100:19:13

"Anyone that can wear a truss upside down for three years

0:19:130:19:15

"can ride a camel."

0:19:150:19:17

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:170:19:20

An officer said, "Come along now, Jones!

0:19:240:19:26

"Come along now! Get moving! Sound the advance!" I went...

0:19:260:19:29

HE BLOWS THE BUGLE

0:19:290:19:32

You've got it. It was a bloody difficult war to get started.

0:19:320:19:35

Anyway, eventually, we all marched off in columns.

0:19:350:19:38

We marched off into the African daytime.

0:19:380:19:40

The dust was flying, and the army officer said,

0:19:400:19:44

"Jonesy! Jonesy! Sound the get-down!"

0:19:440:19:48

I'd never sounded a get-down, so I went...

0:19:480:19:50

HE BLOWS THE BUGLE

0:19:500:19:51

And the officer said, "I know what we'll do."

0:19:510:19:54

He was a very excitable man.

0:19:540:19:55

He said, "One platoon, platoon on the right,

0:19:550:19:58

"fix bayonets and charge to the right.

0:19:580:20:00

"Platoon on the left, fix bayonets, charge to the left.

0:20:000:20:02

"Platoon in the middle, fix bayonets and charge down the centre.

0:20:020:20:05

"Ready, run!" And off they went, woo-woo,

0:20:050:20:07

and you couldn't see their bottoms for dust and small stones.

0:20:070:20:10

Away they went, way, way, whoa, whoa.

0:20:100:20:12

And he came to me, he crawled to me with a crooked smile on his face,

0:20:120:20:16

and he said, "Jonesy, do you remember

0:20:160:20:19

"when we were in the Crimea?" I said, "Yes."

0:20:190:20:21

He said, "Do you remember when I got the platoon to fix bayonets

0:20:210:20:23

"and charge to the east and another platoon to fix bayonets

0:20:230:20:26

"and charge to the west and another platoon up the middle

0:20:260:20:28

"and they all got killed?" I said, "Yes, sir."

0:20:280:20:30

He said, "I think I've done it again."

0:20:300:20:32

LAUGHTER

0:20:320:20:35

And then...

0:20:390:20:40

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

0:20:400:20:43

And then, suddenly, something terrible happened.

0:20:440:20:47

The tribe out on the right, they started to shout their cry.

0:20:470:20:50

Ya bum! Ya bum! Ya bum!

0:20:500:20:53

No, no, they didn't. What did they say?

0:20:540:20:56

No, that lot, they shouted, "Ya ba!" That's right, ya ba.

0:20:560:20:59

It was a different tribe, you see. Ya ba! Ya ba!

0:20:590:21:02

Listen, I can't do all this on my own.

0:21:020:21:04

Would you mind being that tribe all from down the middle?

0:21:040:21:07

When I hold my arm up, would you shout "Ya ba" for me, like that?

0:21:070:21:10

-Ya ba! HALF THE AUDIENCE:

-Ya ba! Ya ba! Ya ba!

0:21:100:21:14

That's very, very good. Can you just remember those two words?

0:21:140:21:17

Now, the tribe on the west, I'm listening there with my earhole

0:21:170:21:20

and I heard them shouting, "Ya bum! Ya bum!"

0:21:200:21:23

LAUGHTER

0:21:230:21:25

If there are any clergyman, you can say, "Ya boom". Will you do that?

0:21:250:21:30

-Right, ya bum! AUDIENCE:

-Ya bum! Ya bum!

0:21:300:21:32

TOGETHER: Ya bum! Ya boom! Ya bum! Ya boom!

0:21:320:21:35

See, that's the way it was.

0:21:350:21:36

Then, all this time, there was a big tribe of hyenas,

0:21:360:21:39

laughing their heads off.

0:21:390:21:41

Do you mind being the tribe...?

0:21:420:21:44

LAUGHTER

0:21:440:21:46

They were going like this... Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:21:460:21:49

Would you do that for me?

0:21:500:21:52

AUDIENCE IN THE BALCONY LAUGH

0:21:520:21:54

Very good indeed. Thank you very much.

0:21:540:21:55

Give them a big round of applause. Yay.

0:21:550:21:58

Right, so, you're going, "Ya ba..."

0:21:580:22:01

-TOGETHER:

-Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum!

0:22:010:22:05

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:22:050:22:06

Ya ba! Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum!

0:22:060:22:09

-DRUMS START ACCOMPANIMENT

-Ya ba! Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum!

0:22:090:22:13

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO

0:22:130:22:15

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:22:150:22:18

# It's a long way to go

0:22:180:22:22

# It's a long way to Tipperary

0:22:220:22:25

# To the sweetest girl I know

0:22:250:22:30

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

0:22:300:22:34

# Farewell, Leicester Square

0:22:340:22:37

# It's a long, long way to Tipperary

0:22:370:22:41

# But my heart's right there. #

0:22:410:22:46

# Pack up your troubles in your old kitbag

0:22:460:22:50

# And smile, smile, smile

0:22:500:22:54

# While you've a lucifer to light your fag

0:22:540:22:58

# Smile, boys, that's the style

0:22:580:23:01

# What's the use of worrying?

0:23:010:23:05

# It never was worthwhile

0:23:050:23:09

# So, pack up your troubles in your old kitbag

0:23:090:23:13

# And smile, smile, smile. #

0:23:130:23:21

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:210:23:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:300:23:32

Ladies and gentlemen, I know that it will give my dear sister-in-law

0:23:390:23:44

and all of you particular pleasure

0:23:440:23:46

that I now am privileged to announce

0:23:460:23:48

-the charismatic crystallinity...

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:23:480:23:53

..of those sibling scintillant serenaders,

0:23:530:23:58

Mr Vernon and Miss Maryetta Midgley!

0:23:580:24:04

APPLAUSE

0:24:040:24:07

MUSIC: Tornami A Dir from Don Pasquale by Gaetano Donizetti

0:24:070:24:11

THEY SING TORNAMI A DIR IN ITALIAN

0:24:130:24:17

THEY SING TORNAMI A DIR IN ITALIAN

0:24:580:25:02

THEY SING TORNAMI A DIR IN ITALIAN

0:25:380:25:42

THEY SING TORNAMI A DIR IN ITALIAN

0:26:190:26:23

APPLAUSE

0:26:580:27:01

# No rose in all the world

0:27:210:27:26

# Until you came

0:27:260:27:30

# No star until you smiled

0:27:300:27:34

# Upon life's sea

0:27:340:27:36

# Upon life's sea

0:27:360:27:38

# No song in all the world

0:27:380:27:44

# Until you spoke

0:27:440:27:46

# Until you spoke

0:27:460:27:49

# No hope

0:27:490:27:51

# No hope

0:27:510:27:54

# Until you gave your heart

0:27:540:28:00

# To me

0:28:000:28:04

# Oh, rose, bloom ever in

0:28:160:28:22

# My lonely heart

0:28:220:28:24

# My lonely heart

0:28:240:28:27

# Oh, star, shine steadfast

0:28:270:28:31

# With your light divine

0:28:310:28:36

# Ring on, oh, song

0:28:360:28:39

# Your melody of joy

0:28:390:28:45

# Your melody of joy

0:28:450:28:47

# Life's crowned at last

0:28:470:28:50

# Life's crowned at last

0:28:500:28:53

# And love

0:28:530:28:56

# And love is ever

0:28:560:29:03

# Mine. #

0:29:030:29:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:130:29:16

In a protean proliferation,

0:29:410:29:46

multi-talented and, with it, much-loved...

0:29:460:29:51

your own, you're very, very own,

0:29:510:29:54

Mr Roy Castle!

0:29:540:29:57

APPLAUSE

0:29:570:30:01

Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. All right?

0:30:050:30:08

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN RHYTHM

0:30:080:30:11

AUDIENCE CLAPS MORE SLOWLY

0:30:160:30:18

AUDIENCE CLAPS QUICKLY AND CHEER

0:30:180:30:21

Thank you. I could have finished on that.

0:30:210:30:23

LAUGHTER

0:30:230:30:25

It's never going to go any better than that, is it?

0:30:250:30:27

Well, goodnight, thank you very much. I've really enjoyed it.

0:30:270:30:30

So, what am I going to sing?

0:30:300:30:32

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Champagne Charlie.

-Champagne Charlie?

0:30:320:30:35

No, we can't be topical on this show.

0:30:350:30:38

No, as a matter of fact,

0:30:380:30:40

the record for opening and drinking a bottle of champagne

0:30:400:30:45

by one person is 25 seconds.

0:30:450:30:48

And they're still trying to get him down from up there.

0:30:480:30:51

Let's try. 25 seconds. Are you counting, Sunbeam? OK.

0:30:510:30:55

Da-da-da-da-da...

0:30:550:30:58

LAUGHTER

0:30:580:31:02

I'll get it. It'll be all right.

0:31:020:31:04

AUDIENCE MEMBER SHRIEKS Ah... Ooh...

0:31:040:31:07

Pull that end, pull that end. Pull it! Pull it!

0:31:070:31:10

Pull it! Pull that end! LAUGHTER

0:31:100:31:13

We'll have your hat off, don't worry!

0:31:130:31:15

CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS Wait! Hello, hello...

0:31:150:31:19

-AUDIENCE:

-Ah...

0:31:210:31:24

Dear, oh, dear, that's nice. All right, who's the culprit?

0:31:240:31:28

Come on! Da-da-da-da-da.

0:31:280:31:31

The first person to hiccup gets it. I'm watching you.

0:31:310:31:34

Have that looked at and get it fingerprinted.

0:31:340:31:37

Look who's wearing gloves. LAUGHTER

0:31:390:31:42

No wonder he sent me out to look for the orchestra just before the show!

0:31:420:31:46

No, I'm celebrating, ladies and gentlemen. Can you imagine?

0:31:460:31:51

Here I am, in my hometown... celebrating.

0:31:510:31:55

I have at last met Barney Colehan.

0:31:550:31:58

LAUGHTER

0:31:580:32:00

This is now my 73rd show here,

0:32:000:32:02

until I get it right.

0:32:020:32:04

APPLAUSE

0:32:080:32:11

Just a moment.

0:32:110:32:13

No, no, I'm really celebrating because I've met Mr Colehan.

0:32:130:32:17

At last! I got this missive.

0:32:170:32:19

It said, "You will come and meet me

0:32:190:32:21

"to discuss what you are going to give to my clients," he said.

0:32:210:32:25

So, that's it. At a local alehouse, we turned up there.

0:32:250:32:30

I had to be there at two o'clock, so I was there at quarter to two.

0:32:300:32:33

I thought, "I'll be there in good time." I was walking up and down...

0:32:330:32:36

Pa-pa-pa-pa. ..wondering what he's going to be like, you know.

0:32:360:32:39

I bet he'll be a big fellow

0:32:390:32:41

with one earring...

0:32:410:32:44

..and a tiara, and I won't be able to say anything about it.

0:32:460:32:50

He'll be a big fellow. And then I suddenly started to get worried.

0:32:500:32:53

You know how you get worried about your appearance?

0:32:530:32:55

You think, "Well, I've got time, I'll just go and check."

0:32:550:32:59

So, I thought, "I'll just nip into the men's room and check."

0:32:590:33:02

And that's where I made my mistake.

0:33:020:33:04

Have you got any mistake music here?

0:33:040:33:06

PIANIST PLAYS A TUNE

0:33:060:33:09

ROY CASTLE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:33:110:33:14

Teeth are all right. Confident there.

0:33:160:33:19

Hair's all right, no Yorkshire pudding in there.

0:33:190:33:22

Bowtie, lovely.

0:33:250:33:26

Well, hello, Mr Calhoun...

0:33:260:33:28

No, no, no, no! Callaghan.

0:33:280:33:32

I've forgot his name now already. Hello, Mr Colehan.

0:33:320:33:35

Yeah, that's all right. I'll be all right.

0:33:350:33:37

Hey there! Wait a minute, my hair is a little bit off.

0:33:370:33:41

Um... Hello, hello, what's this here? Instant hair cream?

0:33:410:33:47

What do you have to do? Insert penny.

0:33:480:33:51

There, that's right.

0:33:510:33:53

Hold out hand.

0:33:530:33:55

Push plunger.

0:33:550:33:56

Pff!

0:33:560:33:58

LAUGHTER

0:33:580:34:01

Argh!

0:34:050:34:07

That's all right, that's all right. To continue. Look at this!

0:34:110:34:15

Freshen up with aftershave.

0:34:150:34:17

Great! That means if I don't look too well, at least I'll smell good.

0:34:170:34:21

Da-da-da-da! Insert penny. Right.

0:34:210:34:24

Hold out hand.

0:34:260:34:28

Push plunger. Ha-ha-ha. Seen this before.

0:34:280:34:31

Ow!

0:34:330:34:35

Oh, no, no, no! I don't believe it!

0:34:350:34:36

No, no, no, no! Where's the water? Water, water!

0:34:360:34:40

HE SHRIEKS

0:34:410:34:43

Oh, no, no!

0:34:430:34:44

Cold, hot, cold, hot, cold...

0:34:440:34:47

Cold.

0:34:470:34:48

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

0:34:480:34:50

Hot, cold, hot, cold...

0:34:500:34:53

Oh...oh...

0:34:550:34:57

Oh, yeah, yeah...

0:34:570:35:00

Now then, where's the towel?

0:35:000:35:02

It's stuck all right. I can see it's stuck.

0:35:090:35:12

Pull it hard.

0:35:120:35:14

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

0:35:150:35:18

LAUGHTER

0:35:180:35:20

It's these funny jackets with the big flaps. I'm terribly sorry.

0:35:240:35:28

The big flap. It was an accident. Is that all right with you?

0:35:280:35:32

Ooh!

0:35:320:35:34

Come on, come on. All right, what's all that about, Sunbeam, hey?

0:35:380:35:43

Who do you think YOU are?

0:35:430:35:45

Oh, hello, Mr Colehan.

0:35:450:35:47

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:470:35:50

So, we discussed the whole thing,

0:36:030:36:04

and he said, "Well...I think you ought to play something

0:36:040:36:10

"you've never played before."

0:36:100:36:12

So, I said, "What?" He said, "Well..."

0:36:120:36:14

LAUGHTER

0:36:140:36:16

Nice, isn't it? He had the upper hand.

0:36:160:36:19

So, I'm going to play something I've never... Mr Herrmann...

0:36:190:36:22

Is it Herming or Hemmings?

0:36:220:36:24

-Ah, Mr Herrmann, thank you. You didn't pinch this, did you?

-No, no.

0:36:240:36:27

Great. Lovely. Oh, where's the mouthpiece?

0:36:270:36:29

LAUGHTER

0:36:290:36:31

I've never played the xylophone before, have I, Mr Herrmann?

0:36:310:36:34

-You haven't.

-What is it? Yes...

0:36:340:36:36

LAUGHTER

0:36:360:36:38

# It's lovely, this Edwardian fun

0:36:380:36:42

# Cos we still haven't faced the Hun

0:36:420:36:45

# But we're all right cos we've got Clive Dunn... #

0:36:450:36:49

Hey, don't panic.

0:36:510:36:52

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:36:520:36:54

# It's good in the good old days. # Here we go now.

0:36:540:36:57

HE PLAYS BANJOLELE

0:36:570:37:00

ORCHESTRA JOIN IN

0:37:040:37:07

HE TAPS IN RHYTHM TO THE MUSIC

0:37:310:37:35

APPLAUSE

0:38:050:38:08

Steady on.

0:38:190:38:20

Come on, Bernard, pies have come! Back in the good old...

0:38:230:38:26

# Back in the good old days

0:38:260:38:28

# Back in the good

0:38:280:38:31

# In the good old days. #

0:38:310:38:33

-Oggy, oggy, oggy...

-Oi, oi, oi!

-That's about it for now.

0:38:330:38:36

Whoa!

0:38:380:38:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:38:390:38:42

Always exemplary auxiliaries,

0:38:540:38:58

the Players Theatre assist in the deliration of the songs

0:38:580:39:02

of Mr Fred Barnes with, ladies and gentlemen,

0:39:020:39:06

the distinguished, debonair

0:39:060:39:09

and very, very dashing Mr Dudley Stevens!

0:39:090:39:15

APPLAUSE

0:39:150:39:17

# Give me the moonlight

0:39:210:39:24

# Give me the girl

0:39:240:39:25

# And leave the rest to me

0:39:250:39:30

# Give me a babbling brook

0:39:300:39:32

# Give me a shady nook

0:39:320:39:34

# Where no-one can see

0:39:340:39:38

# Give me a bench for two

0:39:380:39:40

# Where we can bill and coo

0:39:400:39:43

# And mine she's bound to be

0:39:430:39:47

# If there's anyone in doubt

0:39:470:39:49

# And they'd like to try me out

0:39:490:39:51

# Give me the moonlight

0:39:510:39:53

# Give me the girl

0:39:530:39:55

# And leave the rest to me. #

0:39:550:39:59

# For I'm the black, black sheep of the family

0:39:590:40:04

# Everybody runs me down

0:40:040:40:07

# People shake their heads at me

0:40:070:40:11

# Say I'm a disgrace to society

0:40:110:40:15

# But I shall try my luck in the colonies

0:40:150:40:19

# And there I'll rise or fall

0:40:190:40:22

# And when I come back

0:40:220:40:24

# Then the sheep that was black

0:40:240:40:26

# Will perhaps be the whitest of them all. #

0:40:260:40:30

# I've just been wandering all alone

0:40:330:40:36

# Down Paradise Row

0:40:360:40:38

# When I was a kiddie, I'd a sweetheart

0:40:380:40:41

# And down there we would go

0:40:410:40:44

# I called her Nelly and she called me Joe

0:40:440:40:48

# And we would romp there hand in hand

0:40:480:40:50

# Then we'd both sit down on a doorway there

0:40:500:40:54

# And we'd picture the future grand

0:40:540:41:00

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

0:41:000:41:05

-# Down Paradise Row

-Mother Kelly's doorstep

0:41:050:41:09

-# I'd sit along Nelly

-He sits there

0:41:090:41:13

-# She'd sit along Joe

-She would sit along Joe

0:41:130:41:17

# She'd got a little hole in her frock

0:41:170:41:21

# A hole in her shoe

0:41:210:41:23

# A hole in her sock where her toe peeped through

0:41:230:41:27

# But Nelly was the smartest in our alley

0:41:270:41:34

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

0:41:340:41:38

-# I'm wondering now

-On Mother Kelly's doorstep

0:41:380:41:43

-# If little girl Nelly

-If little girl Nelly

0:41:430:41:47

-# Remembers Joe, her beau

-Remembers Joe

0:41:470:41:51

# And does she love me

0:41:510:41:55

# Like she used to

0:41:550:41:59

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

0:41:590:42:03

# Down Paradise Row? #

0:42:030:42:07

# Give me a million beautiful girls

0:42:090:42:12

# To love, simply love all the time

0:42:120:42:16

# If they're small, if they're tall

0:42:160:42:19

# Anything in dresses and I'll fall for them all

0:42:190:42:23

# Give me a million kisses and hugs

0:42:230:42:26

# For loving is no crime

0:42:260:42:29

# I'd like to love every girlie and then

0:42:290:42:33

# Go back to the first and start all over again

0:42:330:42:37

# Give me a million beautiful girls

0:42:370:42:40

# But give me them one at a time

0:42:400:42:44

# Give me a million beautiful girls

0:42:440:42:48

# To love, simply love all the time

0:42:480:42:51

# If they're tall, if they're small

0:42:510:42:55

# Anything in dresses and I fall for them all

0:42:550:42:58

# Give me a million kisses and hugs

0:42:580:43:01

# For loving is no crime

0:43:010:43:05

# Girls who are bashful but willing to learn

0:43:050:43:08

# Leave me your address and then wait your turn

0:43:080:43:12

# Give me a million beautiful girls

0:43:120:43:16

# But give me them one at a time

0:43:160:43:19

# Give me them, give me them

0:43:190:43:21

# Give me them one at a time. #

0:43:210:43:26

APPLAUSE

0:43:260:43:29

Now, for everything that happens, there's a reason

0:43:400:43:43

No matter if it's large or if it's small

0:43:430:43:47

Now, why was poor old mother Adam teasing poor old father Adam

0:43:470:43:51

In the autumn when she knew the leaves would fall?

0:43:510:43:55

It's woman who has caused the trouble since the world began

0:43:560:44:01

And you can bet your life that when you see a ruined man...

0:44:010:44:07

# There's a woman, there's a woman

0:44:090:44:13

# There's a woman at the bottom of it all... #

0:44:130:44:17

Now, you will find many times through history

0:44:170:44:21

A girl has made a fellow look at things he shouldn't see

0:44:210:44:25

For a woman, for a woman

0:44:250:44:28

Every day some fellow seems to fall

0:44:280:44:32

Now, many years ago, before the days of you and I

0:44:320:44:36

Somebody asked Nelson how he came to lose his eye

0:44:360:44:40

Well, he ran his famous signal up and this was his reply

0:44:400:44:43

"If England expects every man to do his duty and not ask why

0:44:430:44:47

"There's a woman at the bottom of it all"

0:44:470:44:50

Now everybody's heard of Jonah What a silly tale

0:44:500:44:54

It seems that he fell overboard whilst in a heavy gale

0:44:540:44:58

But when a fellow leaves his home to live inside a whale...

0:44:580:45:03

HE LAUGHS

0:45:030:45:07

# There's a woman at the bottom of it all... #

0:45:070:45:13

There's a woman at the bottom of it all.

0:45:150:45:18

APPLAUSE

0:45:230:45:26

# I never worry if a girl is bashful

0:45:340:45:39

# Or if a girl is shy

0:45:390:45:44

# I never worry if she has that look

0:45:450:45:49

# Of "Don't you dare kiss me" in her eye

0:45:490:45:55

# I never worry if I want some loving

0:45:550:46:01

# I know just what to try

0:46:010:46:06

# You may wonder what I do

0:46:060:46:11

# There's nothing strange about it

0:46:110:46:14

# Here is all I ask of you

0:46:140:46:19

# Give me the moonlight

0:46:190:46:23

# Give me the girl

0:46:230:46:25

# And leave the rest to me

0:46:250:46:30

# Give me a babbling brook

0:46:300:46:32

# Give me a shady nook

0:46:320:46:35

# Where no-one can see

0:46:350:46:40

# Give me a bench for two

0:46:400:46:42

# Where we can bill and coo

0:46:420:46:45

# And mine she's bound to be

0:46:450:46:50

# If there's anyone in doubt

0:46:500:46:52

# And they'd like to try me out

0:46:520:46:55

# Give me the moonlight

0:46:550:46:57

# Give me the girl

0:46:570:46:59

# And leave the rest to me

0:46:590:47:04

# Give me the moonlight

0:47:040:47:07

# Give me the girl

0:47:070:47:10

# And leave the rest to me

0:47:100:47:14

# Give me a babbling brook

0:47:140:47:17

# Give me a shady nook

0:47:170:47:19

# Where no-one can see

0:47:190:47:24

# Give me a bench for two

0:47:240:47:26

# Where we can bill and coo

0:47:260:47:29

# And mine she's bound to be

0:47:290:47:34

# If there's anyone in doubt

0:47:340:47:36

# And they'd like to try me out

0:47:360:47:38

# Give me the moonlight

0:47:380:47:41

# Give me the girl

0:47:410:47:43

# And leave the rest to me

0:47:430:47:47

# And leave the rest

0:47:470:47:52

# To me. #

0:47:520:47:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:47:570:48:01

And now there's just time to ask Mr Roy Castle

0:48:140:48:17

to lead the company and yourselves

0:48:170:48:19

in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:48:190:48:23

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Roy Castle, the entire company,

0:48:230:48:27

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and unflappable orchestra!

0:48:270:48:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:48:320:48:35

But this time, give me yourselves!

0:48:350:48:41

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:48:440:48:47

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush La-la-la-la-la

0:48:470:48:51

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:48:510:48:54

# Down at The Old Bull And Bush

0:48:540:48:57

# Hear the little German band La-la-la-la-la-la-la

0:48:580:49:01

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:49:010:49:04

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

0:49:040:49:08

# Down at The Old Bull and Bush Bush, Bush. #

0:49:080:49:12

APPLAUSE

0:49:120:49:15

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme, first broadcast on 16 July 1981. Featuring Roy Castle, Clive Dunn, Anna Dawson, Maryetta and Vernon Midgley, Dudley Stevens, The Cambridge Buskers, and members of the Players' Theatre, London.


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