Celebrity Special Total Wipeout

The Big Balls Bulltin headlines tonight: Mop finds true love.

Monkey mountaineer scales Everest.

And Buenos Aires invaded by British superstars

in another Total Wipeout Celebrity Special.

Welcome.

NEWS JINGLE

Welcome.

NEWS JINGLE

Are we done yet?

Good. Welcome to -

NEWS JINGLE

I'm not going to say welcome...

NEWS JINGLE

..again. Hello.

This is the Total Wipeout Big Balls Bullitin.

I'm serious newsreader Richard Hammond.

Reports are coming in that a crack team of celebrities - and Brian

from Big Brother - are about to wage war on the Total Wipeout course.

Eyewitness reports suggest the elite unit -

and Brian from Big Brother - have been supplied with hi-tech military

vehicles and asked to make their own way to the top-secret hideout.

And I've just heard, through my serious newsreader's earpiece,

that we can now confirm their identities.

Over to the Monkey with the celebrity forecast.

There's a storm coming in from the East End.

It's soap actor Ricky Groves.

Over here, there's a hot front that may turn cold later.

It's model and tabloid favourite Nicola McLean.

Expect some high pressure coming from this high jumper,

gold medallist Dalton Grant.

Then there's Latin heat coming in from...Denmark.

It's Strictly Come Dancing champion Camilla Dallerup.

He may be a real newsreader, but I'm much better than him. Probably.

It's Charlie Stayt.

Hold onto your shuttlecocks, a gale force is on its way.

It's Olympic athlete Gail Emms.

Now for the three day forecast - Monday, sunny, Tuesday, sunny,

Simon Day, funny.

The outlook is wet and muddy for the Yorkshire Dales. It's Emmerdale favourite Roxanne Pallet.

The calm before the storm, actor, presenter and author, Julie Peasgood

And finally, that's Brian from Big Brother over there. Him, yeah.

Thank you, Monkey.

All celebrities must take on the qualifier and Double Cross.

They will be awarded points for each round and only the top six will then progress.

The winner of tonight's show will receive £10,000 for a charity

of their choice, and a nice shiny trophy for a shelf of their choice.

Probably the downstairs toilet.

I've just about got time now to go through tomorrow's papers, which is... Oh, too many words.

Too many words. Oh, Sudoku. Excellent!

Time to see what today's celebrities must overcome.

Um...

Breaking news.

It's the Qualifier.

Breaking egos.

It's Double Cross.

This just in.

It's Terror Go Round.

That just hurts.

It's the Wipeout Zone.

Now we join fearless on-the-spot reporter Amanda Byram,

who's at the top of the course.

Amanda.

See, told you I was good at newsreading.

Joining me now is an actor who's managed to survive

years of heartache and drama on EastEnders.

It's Ricky Groves. How you doing?

Well, I'm in good form this morning, looking forward to it.

What kind of stuff have you been doing to prepare yourself, mentally and physically?

Mental preparation is based upon, like,

the relaxation process that I use, which is propping up the bar.

And the physical side to things is I do a lot of jumping.

Queue jumping, mainly. SHE LAUGHS

But life, as they say, is like a wild tiger.

You either lay down and let it put its paws on your head, or you jump on its back and you ride it.

SHE LAUGHS

Urr!

Yeah, OK. So will Ricky Groves be riding that tiger,

or will he be ending up with its paws being placed on his head?

Oh, my goodness!

This is the big shout-out for Celebrity Wipeout.

If you're tuning in at home, do not adjust your sets.

You ain't seen the Grovesey Boy yet.

-Now up, the Eastender is off.

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Down the ramp.

Wow, that's a good start.

Straight on to the pontoons anyway, and about to face a real drama.

So let's meet today's co-stars.

Firstly, it's a date with the Total Wipeout love interest, the Hurdles.

He'll fall for them, then they'll dump him

and he'll find them extremely hard to get over. This is brilliant.

Next, he won't want to meet these guys in a dark alley,

or in a sunny Argentine field, for that matter.

It's the Sucker Punch Brothers. They're 'ard.

Then the Big Red Balls. They're like his best friend -

always there to give him a push in the right direction. Or offer a big friendly hug. See?

Finally, last orders with the local pub landlady, the Shape Shifter.

Expect to leave feeling dizzy, and if you're really unlucky, you might end up...legless! Ha!

Here we go. Oops! A little footwear malfunction.

Let's see if the tiger can earn his stripes on the hurdles.

Yes.

Oh, no! He's lost it.

No, he's got it back.

Commando roll.

Yeah, best done over a car bonnet, that.

Learnt that probably from playing Gary the Commando in EastEnders.

That was a dress rehearsal - can he do a repeat performance?

Yes, yes...

Yes, perfect!

Oh, apart from that second slip of the day.

Maybe brogues not such a good idea.

Lots of punch-ups on EastEnders.

He'll be well used to this.

Apparently not.

No.

Once again, I think perhaps his choice of footwear let him down.

Less slip-ons,

more slip-offs.

Thank you!

Come on, Ricky!

Crouching tiger, hidden actor.

TIGER ROAR

Right. Back on two legs for the big red balls.

Probably wise. How will the tiger approach these?

Slowly, maybe stalking them.

He's charged. Oh, yes!

Upside down commando roll - tricky manoeuvre.

That's quality.

Full Flip, bangs head, beautiful.

A short but energy-sapping trip up the ladder for Ricky The Tiger Groves.

So close now.

On the home straight.

Almost back to Albert Square.

Remember, there's also Henry Triangle and William Circle,

but which will Ricky aim for?

He's gone for William, and he's in.

But can he stay in?

He's upside down,

he's holding on. This is an amazing manoeuvre!

Wow!

Just a leap to the finish.

He's done it! He's... Oh.

No, made a pig's ear of that. Went wrong.

SHE LAUGHS

-Should have gone for Albert Square. Stick with what you know.

-RICKY SCREAMS

EASTENDERS THEME PLAYS

Ricky The Tiger Groves completes the course

in 3:18.

Grrreat!

Or at least, quite good.

It's pretty tough, isn't it?

Am I the only one who went in a circle?

EASTENDERS "DOOM-DOOMS" PLAY

Ah!

Overall, your experience of Total Wipeout so far, Ricky Groves?

I think you're the most sadistic people I've ever met in my life.

EASTENDERS 'DOOM-DOOMS' PLAY

Next to attempt the qualifier and then fire her agent

is actress Julie Peasgood.

Julie, are you mentally prepared for this torture, I mean, this adventure?

OK, I'm trying to because I'm a Buddhist, so I chant.

And that focuses me and centres me.

And hopefully it will put me in a good head space to tackle it.

Wow!

A calm, peaceful approach. Makes a change.

-BLADE RINGS

-Oh...

I've got two goals - to come out of this in one piece

and not to make it through to the second round! Let's go!

So Julie's off. Getting in a bit of meditation on the slide, I think.

She centred. She's...all soggy.

Since that went so well, I assume the hurdles

will be a piece of cake.

Quite a slow one, guys.

-Thanks for letting us know, Julie.

-Needs a...tortoise effect.

OK!

I keep looking ahead and then looking back to where she actually is.

I'm feeling very calm and peaceful. I have witnessed more energy...

in, like, a pen.

Woo!

Ye... Oh, she's in.

Oh, not going too well so far for Julie.

Might be a Zen master, but obviously not a stair master.

Julie, it's technically not an obstacle - it's a set of stairs.

OK, let's come back to Julie.

I'm the Dancing Queen but now I'm going to be the Wipeout Queen.

Hoping for a slightly quicker start is Strictly Come Dancing champion Camilla Dallerup.

So you won't be leading the Big Red Balls in any direction whatsoever?

You had to mention them. You know I've had nightmares about them?

What happens in your nightmares, Camilla?

They come towards me.

EERIE MUSIC AND SCREAMING

Then I just the fall in the water.

That's it, right?

I think that more of a premonition than a nightmare, actually.

Maybe you're right.

Can 36-year-old Camilla quickstep across the hurdles?

She is one great Dane.

Yes. Well, there's the first step.

There's the second. Oh!

It's a wet step.

Not a dream start.

Hopefully she will have learned her lesson.

Certainly a lot of thought going into this now.

Here we go.

No thought went into that at all, no thought whatsoever.

She's still smiling, though. I don't know why.

The Sucker Punch now for the tiny dancer.

This looks like a tango stance she's adopting here.

Yes.

Oh! Tangoed straight off.

She's still smiling.

She's like a chocolate Danish.

Why is she smiling? Stop!

Big Red Balls now - this is what she's been having nightmares about.

Time to face her fears.

ECHOING VOICE: I've had nightmares. They're coming towards me.

Safely onto the first ball.

You see? They're not so bad after all.

And that dancer's balance will come in handy here.

-Yeah, the poise, you see. Look.

-Brucie would be so proud.

Maybe.

Can she turn her nightmare into a dream ball...

crossing?

No.

That probably hasn't helped get her over the nightmare.

That sort of technique was never going to work.

-I will not be defeated!

-No, you have been.

4:53 puts dream girl Camilla in second place.

So, it's back with Julie, who's made it out of the water

and is now ready to make peace with the Sucker Punch.

SHE SCREAMS

As the ancient proverb goes,

"He who stands in the way of Sucker Punch is a silly billy."

Julie looking like she's at one with the mud now.

She's made it out.

It's the Big Red... Hang on, where's she going?

They didn't say I couldn't do this.

Get your feet out of the pool, you'll make it all muddy!

Other people have got to use that now. Oh, look!

Right, the Big Red Balls.

-No, she's going back.

-What is she doing?

What are you doing, Julie?

Oh, yeah, forgot to wash your hands.

Very important to have clean hands on this course. That'll help a lot.

Right, so Julie now approaches the big red balls.

Here we go.

Come on, Julie Peas-be-good, please be good.

You'd better deliver.

OK, she's ready.

Oh, there's the Demotivator. She's onto the first ball.

Maybe those nice clean hands will help her grip.

No, oh...

Wasn't really worth all of that hand-washing business, was it?

We'll return to Julie's frolics a little bit later on.

This is star of The Fast Show and all-round funnyman Simon Day.

Hilarious. I love this guy.

That'll do, won't it?

-Hi, Simon.

-How you doing?

So you're here with me.

-There she is.

-I'm quietly confident.

-I can imagine myself doing a very good time.

-Mm-hm?

I think once it starts you may as well have a go at it.

Well, listen, do me a favour, just go out there

and have a really fast show.

Right.

King of comedy at the top of the course. Time for a rousing shout-out.

-There's water coming out of here.

-Yeah.

Observational comedy - brilliant, that. Quality.

He's off, he's running, he's running... He's falling. Oh.

So who will have the last laugh on the hurdles?

That's it, Simon. Keep it simple, Simon. Keep it simple.

Looks as though he's going to try and crawl across.

And that appears to be working.

AMANDA LAUGHS

He's not having a good day, is he? Not so far.

He is, I am. I love this guy. He's very, very funny.

Simon knows his way around a punchline...

I had a gag lined up and I didn't get to finish it.

I'm sure he can see the funny side.

I don't think he can see the funny side.

-Doing well.

-Now he's joking.

See? I told you. He's good.

The Big Red Balls are no laughing matter,

which is handy, as Simon's still not cracked a smile at any point.

Oh!

May have cracked a rib, though, instead.

OK, well, smiling Simon finishes in 4:10,

not the quickest time of the day but I'm sure

he's got something funny to say now.

It's quite hard.

Um...

I was very worried about my trainers coming off,

cos they're new.

Ha ha ha! Because they're new!

I don't get it.

Meanwhile, Julie is fast approaching the Shape Shifter.

And she's onto the giant swinging wardrobe.

Yes.

OK.

No need to hurry up, you're not against the clock or anything(!)

No, no, no.

Not exactly a speedy run.

"Run" pushing it a bit.

"Stroll." "Saunter." Yeah, it's a saunter.

No, it's a sit down.

This is never going to happen, is it? It's just not going to happen.

SHE SCREAMS

I mean, really?

She could have done that ten minutes ago.

Julie Please-Be-Good eventually completes the course in 10:24.

That was shameful. Shameful, Amanda. It was shameful.

What happened at the end?

I ordered a cup of tea and two custard creams in the meantime.

There's no way I'm going to the second round. How good is that?

Didn't anybody tell you, you get to the second round, regardless?

I didn't get a custard cream.

It's an easy mistake to make, Julie. This is only what,

the gazillionth Total Wipeout Celebrity Special,

in every one of which we see

all 10 celebrities tackle the qualifier and the next round.

I'm amazed some people still don't know how this show works.

Anyway, on with the wipeout zone.

-Still doing the qualifier.

-On with the qualifier!

Di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di-di...

Breaking news, newscaster makes the news headlines

by attempting Total Wipeout course.

It is, of course, BBC Breakfast news anchor Charlie Stayt.

-Why are you here, Charlie?

-That is a very good question.

I'm here for my children. Look at this little note here.

I'll hold this up. A little picture, look.

There's me. And the red balls...

If you heard the phrase, "Damned with faint praise", look at this.

"I wish you the best of luck, Daddy. You can do it. (Hopefully)."

Hopefully? That is my back-up team.

Just got some breaking news coming in for you.

The latest we hear is that the other contestants on this show are losers.

I'll try and get more information on that.

But just to confirm, other contestants, losers.

More on that as it comes in.

In other news, Charlie is off - his feet, and onto his backside.

Breaking news, Charlie Stayt has just broken his bottom.

That's OK. It's not like he sits down for a living.

Oh, hang on. Yeah, fine.

Right, onto the hurdles now.

Oh, hello? Hang on... Comfortably across!

What? Oh! Wobby third hurdle claims another victim.

That's news.

Charlie is going to have to work harder

if he wants to beat Ricky's time and impress his kids.

And actually, this is quite quick!

Yes, first to beat the sucker punch today.

He's looking strong. Into his stride, quickly up the ramp.

Will he make today's headlines

by being the first to cross the big red balls?

-Hello, he's on to ball two.

-This is news.

Yes. Gets to his feet. Big moment on the big balls.

-And now a big splash.

-So close!

With just the shape shifter to go,

Charlie could be on for the fastest time so far today.

No, that's just embarrassing. Look away, kids.

The state of Charlie Stayt. What was that?

He's on to the swing.

Trying to build momentum, I think.

Could almost be classed as tactics,

not something often seen on this show in my experience.

He is actually thinking about it. I've never seen anyone do that.

Come on, Charlie!

Oh, no! No! It didn't really work.

Shape shifter proving to be an enemy of the Stayt! Main news again.

Embarrassing ramp slip.

Wobble and splash on the hurdles.

Sucker punch success. Beaten by the balls.

Smashed face on the shape shifter. That is the news.

But the main headline is, Charlie Stayt now tops the leaderboard,

finishing in three minutes flat.

-That was brilliant!

-You like that?

-Yeah!

My face hurts.

So with five superstars down,

it's good news for Charlie, who is in pole position,

with Ricky 'The Tiger' Groves in second.

Smiling Simon is in third,

while Dream Girl Camilla charges into fourth.

And Julie Please-Be-Good's chances of scoring high are low.

She's currently at the bottom of the leaderboard.

Halfway through the celebrities now, and so far no one's really dazzled out there on the course.

No one has pranced over the qualifier in eight seconds,

or jumped all four big red balls in one go.

It got me thinking. We need to make this show a bit more...

What's the word? Olympical?

I've just had a totally original idea of the Total Wipeout Games!

I've even had some medals made. Look!

There's cardboard, plastic and chocolate.

Obviously chocolate is the best. So without further ado,

here are the Total Wipeout Games.

This is Olympic high jumper

and Commonwealth gold medallist Dalton Grant.

Focus.

You've competed at the Barcelona Olympic Games, at Atlanta, at Seoul.

How does that compare to the Buenos Aires Obstacle Games?

I would say this is the ultimate challenge.

How do you prepare for Total Wipeout?

And this is Olympic silver medal-winning badminton player Gail Emms.

Mixed doubles. Maybe the other guy was better.

I'm going to put all badminton out of my mind.

I'm thinking Total Wipeout Olympic champion.

-This could be an Olympic sport.

-Ooh! I think it should be.

-I think we can make it an Olympic sport.

-Why don't we do that today?

Dalton, who likes to do his own make-up, is the first to compete.

-Focus. Here I come.

-Yeah, we really need a new camera operator.

He's off!

Oh, now that is how to do it!

And now a sprint along the pontoons

to the first of today's events, the hurdles.

Oh! Everybody else is rubbish!

And again, look, does he weigh nothing? That is a flawless start!

Gail next on the starting blocks.

My name is Gail Force, but this will be a breeze.

Fighting words from a little lady.

Fighting indeed, but how will Gail compare to Dalton on the hurdles?

Yes, yes, she's across the first set!

Good girl!

Second set.

And Gail completes them too! These Olympians have not let me down.

Back with six foot two Dalton on the sucker punch.

-But can high jumpers get across a sucker punch?

-Yes!

I'm going to say... maybe, yes.

No, I'm going to say, yes, a perfect run so far.

But can these Olympians conquer the hardest event of all, the big red balls?

On your marks, get set...

go!

-Gail Force!

-Ah! Oh!

-Well, that was a bronze effort.

-What was the point of that?

Olympians are only human. Apart from Dalton.

He is part machine. Here he goes.

Ow! Ow!

No. Gail knew she was going in.

But as you can see, Dalton didn't know what was going on and... oh!

But his time is still competitive, and this is going to be a close run thing.

-Who invented this?

-Eduardo's uncle. Eduardo, I think.

Gail leaps, and she's in the circle.

Hang on, Gail, hang on! Will she be the first to get across?

No, she will not be.

Gail Force reaches the podium in a leaderboard-topping 2 minutes, 38.

But if Dalton makes this, the gold medal could be his.

Well, the one made of chocolate. No one has made it so far though.

He's in. And looking comfortable.

As comfortable as six foot of athlete can be

folded up in that little hole.

I'm not quite sure if this is a good technique or not.

We're about to find out. Here he comes.

Could he be the first celebrity to defeat the shape shifter?

Yes! Dalton finishes in a breathtaking one minute, 34,

which means he bags the winner's medal and tops the leaderboard.

Olympic Games? Forget that. Total Wipeout.

Next, it's Emmerdale star Roxanne Pallett,

who's hoping to dispel the myth that all actors are divas.

Oh...! No, 'cos I look like an airhead.

-No! You do know I'm an actress?

-Well, I'm convinced.

The sucker punch, how do you feel about it? It loves celebrity faces, and you've got a pretty one.

Oh, my mum keeps going, "Don't hurt your face!"

I'm like, "I'm going to try not to, mother."

I'm going to apply Rocky Balboa's tactics.

Roxy Balboa!

Here comes the grudge match of the century -

Roxy Balboa versus the sucker punch. Oh...

MUSIC: Eye of the Tiger from Rocky

I'm so excited. This is going to be an epic battle.

This is what we wait... What? Hang on - come on!

That was... no way! Make her do it again.

Roxanne onto the swing. It hasn't been a knockout performance so far, but here's her last shot at glory.

It's safe to say I've failed.

This is the bit of the film when she wins through.

This looks good. She is going to make it... Oh!

I don't think the real Rocky will be losing his boxing belt soon.

-I've done it!

-Yeah, you have!

Although it took you 5 minutes and 34 seconds to do it.

-Oh my God!

-Yeah. It's quicker than Julie.

The penultimate celebrity to tackle today's qualifier

is model and tabloid favourite, Nicola McLean.

Now don't mind me saying this, but I think there's a slim chance

that you might be a little bit more buoyant than the others.

Do you think you physique will help you out today?

I don't need a lifejacket! These are going to help me.

Absolutely. If I bounce on that ball, they'll help me bounce to the next one

-without falling in the water.

-It'll be like a ball-off.

-Exactly.

Actually, I'm pretty jealous of those guys.

I'm not saying anything.

So Nicola is off, and pottering down the ramp.

Probably find this easier in heels.

A good leap onto the pontoons. This is a good start.

Looking promising.

Dashing to the first set of hurdles.

One, two... three.

Oh, hang on, barely a wobble and she's over.

Can she double her luck? Yes, yes, yes...

..no.

That looked painful!

But Nicola's still beaming. She might be the first celebrity

to actually enjoy the Qualifier.

That might well change on the balls.

There's the demotivator. but she's on to ball one.

Hello Nicola, this is great.

Ball three now. Could Nicola... No, I'm not going to say it. I can't.

Yes! She's done it!

It was a wobbly ride but model Nicola has succeeded

where two Olympians failed.

She has conquered the balls.

Superb effort.

And what's more, she may be on track for today's quickest time.

Come on, Nicola!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, I don't think she was really trying there.

That was an anti-climax.

Hello Nicola! This is still a time to be proud of.

One minute 38, only four seconds behind the big man, Dalton Towers.

I'm scared to jump now!

You crossed the big red balls!

I'm so chuffed. Thank you so much for letting me do this.

You are absolutely brilliant. I tell you what, you may be tiny

but you are fast, woman.

Absolutely. If you're not fast, you're last.

So one more contestant to go and it's Big Brother winner Brian Belo.

This man possesses one of the most unique minds known to science.

# Freak you love me

# Freak you love me

HE GRUNTS

Hello.

HE GRUNTS

I sound like a bear.

That wasn't angry, I sound like a demented bear.

Woo, yeah, man. I'm pumped.

Do you have any weaknesses?

Um, swimming.

So I don't know how that's going to pan out, really.

Day one in the Big Brother house, Brian, go win for me. Good luck.

Thank you, I'll need it.

(ATTEMPS GEORDIE ACCENT) Good luck. That's not the accent is it?

Good luck, day one in the Big Brother house.

Yeah, I'm not good at that at all.

23-year-old Brainiac Brian is the last person to tackle the Qualifier.

First conundrum is the hurdles.

Uh huh.

Come on, Brian.

His calculations will doubtless have revealed

that the first few hurdles achieve the required levels of agility.

But those ones are all wobbly and bendy and then you fall off.

But like all great minds, he is accustomed to the trial-and-error

technique and will now have a cunning plan I am quite sure.

Oh, hang on.

Wow, he made it!

Employing the crazy arms method, what a visionary.

Ha ha! That surprised a few. Me included.

And the Puzzler next for Braniac Brian.

How will one great mind overcome 22 pneumatic fists? Hmmmm.

It won't. More research required on that problem perhaps.

A literary tongue twister to fathom now.

Can Big Brother's brainy Brian Belo bravely bounce across the Big Balls?

Or will he mess it up?

Bold but a bit bad.

Now Brian has confessed to not being able to swim.

Going to go ahead and say he was telling the truth.

Oh dear, let's come back to Brian.

Ah, who's next?

Apparently there isn't anyone next. Has Brian finished swimming?

He's on the ladder? Brilliant.

Let's go back to him for his big finish.

I'm sure he'll have some pearls of wisdom to share with us.

Braniac Brian finishes in four minutes 45.

Hiya.

I don't know what happened. I was all geared up to go.

I was like, I'm going to be cako bako.

I proper mugged myself off. I looked like a right yoghurt top.

And them red balls.

Look what they've done to me! They're much harder than they look.

I'm like an octopus. I can't swim. OK?

It's embarrassing that I can't swim and now I've done it on national TV.

So at the end of Celebrity Qualifier,

the celebrity leaderboard looks celebritarily like this.

Perhaps unsurprisingly there's an Olympic athlete in first place.

Dalton Towers carries the maximum ten points into the next round.

But there's a shock for the bookies as Hello Nicola takes second

in front of the Olympic silver medallist Gail Force.

Good News Charlie takes seven points

followed closely by Ricky The Tiger Groves.

Smiling Simon will be getting a few heckles were just five points.

And Brainiac Brian can claim just four.

The tail-enders are Dream Girl Camilla, Roxy Balboa

and Julie Please-Be-Good, who all need to raise their game

and their points if they want to progress beyond round two.

So that's the Celebrity Qualifier done and dusted.

Well, done. I don't think it's ever been dusted.

It just needs a white down with a wet sponge.

Let's just say the Celebrity Qualifier has been done and...

not dusted. A bit like my podium here.

That's never been dusted either.

Is dust normally green?

It's Superstar Celebrity Double Cross. Here are the rules.

Ten celebrities on the left.

They've all been told they can only run into the middle

on a green walkway. They've also been told

they can only exit on a red walkway.

What they haven't been told is the walkways are spinning

and there's a big red cross trying to knock them off.

First across gets ten points, next, nine...

Add those points to the first round and bingo,

those are the Qualifiers for Terror-Go-Round.

Who's still in the game? Well, they all are.

First on the Qualifier, Dalton Towers.

Here I come.

Gail Force.

This is my badminton court, that is my shuttlecock.

Prepare to be smashed.

Good News Charlie.

I know for a fact that at least two of these competitors

are prepared to bite to win this competition.

Yeah.

It's just not right.

Ricky The Tiger.

Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is, I've never loved you.

No, that's not how it goes. I've seen it.

Smiling Simon.

...live the dream.

Not a clue. Braniac Brian.

I might have fallen off the double Red Balls,

but on the Double Cross I'm going to conquer all.

Not convinced.

Dream Girl Camilla.

Ricky, do you mind awfully just carrying me over to that platform?

Roxy Balboa.

Can someone give me a piggyback?

Or has anyone got a pogo stick? Nicola?

Hello Nicola.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

And carrying only one point from the last round,

it's Julie Peas Be Good.

Peas are good but today they're a little bit mushy.

So I'd like to apologise now to my charity.

Who's this an impression of?

Crash, bang, wallop, ooh, I broke a nail.

It's Celebrity Double Cross.

Are you all ready?

Yeah, it's not in their contract to say no. Three, two, one.

So Celebrity Double Cross gets under way.

Who's brave enough to take the lead in this action blockbuster?

Oh, come on. Someone's got to go first.

Ooh, Roxy Balboa's first on...

and first off. Bold start from Roxanne.

And there's Nicola.

Similar outcome, but at least they are trying.

Ricky looking nervous.

And Dalton Towers makes it to the middle.

Fastest across the Qualifier, will he be first to finish here?

Come on, gang. Follow his lead.

There goes Charlie...

and he joins Dalton.

But not for long because Dalton is off and over.

Superb. The champion high jumper is first again.

That's another ten points.

A quick lie-down. That was a tough 30 seconds for him.

Charlie's been joined in the middle by Gail Force.

Second place will guarantee either a place in the next round.

Here goes Charlie.

Oh, No.

Breaking news, breaking his face.

That's bad news for Good News Charlie. He'll be back soon

with another bulletin.

Gail Force alone in the middle now.

Roxanne.

But Gail's spotted her chance and...

That's a smash from the Badminton pro.

She did a Charlie and mistimed her final leap.

Nicola looking very frustrated.

I think if Nicola spent a little less time screaming

and a little more time running, she might actually do this.

She was second fastest in the Qualifier

but still needs those points.

Simon...

makes it to the middle. That's something to smile about.

Getting off is the tricky bit though.

Ooh, Ricky The Tiger joins Simon in the middle.

And Gail's on the move too.

Yes! Three in the middle now.

Those nine points still up for grabs.

Roxanne in the middle too now. It's...

what's the collective noun for celebrities?

It's an eagle of celebrities, yeah.

Let's go. Go, go, go, go, go!

Gail's gone... and makes it across to collect the nine points.

Daintily skipping along and in not very surprising turn of events,

the two sports stars claim the top two spots.

Who's next?

Simon goes for it now

and he's across too...

No, he had one foot on the finishing line but that's not quite enough.

He never crossed it.

Soap stars Roxanne and Ricky left in the middle, now joined by Charlie.

Come on, it's not the VIP section up there, people. Get a move on.

Roxy Balboa takes Amanda's advice

and she's across.

Only took two points from the qualifier

but this will help her chances.

And here comes Nicola again.

Oh dear.

Oh.

At least it's made Brian laugh.

That's good, or could it be indigestion?

Ricky now, and easily across, and the tiger grabs fourth.

That should be enough to see him through.

Charlie again, and he's made it too.

Charlie takes six points,

with a completely unnecessary Hollywood action dive at the end.

That's not very news readery. I wouldn't have done that.

Is this Simon's turn?

No.

Unbelievable.

That's the second time smiling Simon's slipped off.

He'll laugh about it later.

Probably.

It's turning tense now.

Who will claim the last few spots in the next round?

Nicola, Camilla, Brian,

Simon, or Julie?

Probably not Julie.

Simon again.

Third time lucky, he's in the middle.

And he's just going for it.

Yes, and at last he has something to smile about.

That's how we do it in Catford.

There's a Double Cross in Catford?

That earns Simon five points, but will it be enough?

Only four left and Brainiac Brian goes for it.

At last, he's in the middle now, and figuring out a plan.

Now joined by Camilla.

Oh, and here is Nicola too.

OK.

Unorthodox technique.

OK.

Julie's in the middle as well.

Brian - is off.

Oh no! That's not going to end well and it didn't.

Do you think he misjudged that just by an inch?

Yeah.

Oh dear.

The three remaining ladies are sitting in the middle.

Nicola edges out slowly.

Hurdles a sweeper arm.

Oh! Didn't work.

The glamour girl understandably frustrated.

And now Brian back in the middle now Just.

Go, go, go, go!

And Brian's straight off for the finish.

Can he - yes.

-Brainiac Brian takes four points.

And Camilla now.

Done. Three points for her.

Yay! It only took an hour!

And this - oh dear.

This makes me sad.

Two celebrities with so much to offer.

Defeated.

Crushed.

Looks like the game's over for Nicola and Julie,

which means there are six Terror Go Rounders.

Time for me to do some maths.

Dalton Towers tops the leader board, with a flawless 20 out of 20.

Fellow sporting champion Gail Force takes the silver

and there's a tie in third between Ricky The Tiger Groves

and Good News Charlie.

The final two qualifying places go to Smiling Simon

and surprise entry Roxy Balboa.

Which means that sadly, despite an impressive qualifier run,

Hello Nicola is out of the competition.

And even though they conquered Double Cross, Brainiac Brian

and Dreamgirl Camilla's Wipeout journeys end here today.

But today's wooden spoon is awarded to Julie Please Be Good,

and to add insult to injury she doesn't even get the spoon,

it's a just a figure of speech.

So Nicola, Brian, Camilla and Julie are out of the competition

They came, they saw, they tried to leave, we called security.

They came back again and they still didn't conquer.

It was fun while it lasted, but it's time to say cheerio.

I am humiliated.

I think I've got the lowest score out of anyone,

on Celebrity Wipeout, but I'm pleased.

I don't have to do it any more.

It's scary, there's no doubt about it.

I know, I think I would rather spin on the dance floor than

spin-off that.

I was actually really scared of that, which really annoys me

because what's the worst that can happen, you know?

All my mates are going to see it and take the mick.

They were all telling me, "Yeah, Brian, you can do this,

"you can win it. Come on, bring it back to Essex."

And, like, I haven't brought anything back to Essex this time round.

But the fact I'm able to leave with all my limbs intact

means I'm the winner in life.

This is the fearsome Terror Go Round.

The only thing more terrifying for these six celebrities is

the thought that this might be their final appearance on TV.

The aim is to remain on your feet while hurdling the spinning fickle

fingers of fate and dodging stuff dropped above by the Terror Twins.

The celebs get three goes.

Each time, the last one standing qualifies for the Wipeout Zone.

Six celebrities, all desperate for the same goal.

An upgrade on the flight on the way home.

Oh no, wait.

A place in the Wipeout Zone.

It's Terror Go Round.

-Are you all ready?

-Yes!

-No!

At least they're on stand by.

Three, two, one!

Now, in case it's slipped your celeb-addled mind,

here's who's facing Terror-Go-Round.

He's proved he's in a fit state.

Will it be headlines or headaches for good news Charlie?

Other contestants on this a show are losers.

She made a right racket on the courts,

can she smash her way into the wipe-out zone?

It's Gail Force.

My name is Gail Force but this will be a breeze.

She was against the ropes but she's windmilling in now.

It's round three for Roxy Balboa.

You do know I'm an actress.

Can this Eastender claw his way into the final?

It's Ricky "The Tiger" Groves.

Come on!

You ain't seen the Grovesy boy yet.

Who will get the last laugh on Terror-Go-Round?

-It's time to get serious for smiling Simon.

-Yeah!

Can this 44-year-old high-jump champion raise the bar once again?

It's Dalton Towers.

Here I come.

So, heat one and they are all up and jogging.

Well, sauntering.

Celebrity and terror in the same sentence.

I like it. I like it a lot.

Amanda is about to like it a lot more

because the Terror Twins are ready to spring into action.

Warming up with a few inflatable balls.

Come and look, you guys.

Come on, people.

No VIP treatment here.

The old inflatable crocodile,

he's my favourite! I like that one, yeah.

Oh, tricky.

I think here come the fingers and everyone makes their move,

and they're all over first time except Simon.

He's been dragged through the punch bags,

which means he is out of this heat.

Five face the second finger.

Oh, no, Roxanne has been airlifted out.

There's always one.

Actually, there's quite often more than that.

# You don't have to put on a red light.

# Roxanne

# Put on a red light. #

Two celebrities down, four to go.

Oh, hang on, what's that?

-Yeah!

-Charlie foxed by a final dinosaur.

Dalton, Gayle and Ricky still standing and they're doing well.

Dalton's height could be an advantage here.

Everyone comfortably over the fingers.

Ricky seems to be hanging back, which is a dangerous tactic

if the finger rides higher there. Oh, yes! What did I say?

No, the tiger has tanked.

Young mum Gail and old jumper Dalton going head to head.

That was an amazing recovery there.

What's she doing, what's she doing?! Oh!

So after Ricky fell, Gail bailed.

Surely a tactical move from Gail,

handing the first Wipe Out Zone place to Dalton.

With Dalton safely through to the Wipe Out Zone,

it's down to five celebrities in heat two.

A wobble from Charlie on the outside.

They're walking funny because it's not a red carpet, they just don't know how to do it.

I think she's fending off rubber rings and wet towels,

she's fighting them! She's angry at them.

OK, here come the fingers. Ooh, couple of stumbles.

Hang on, Charlie's in the water.

He's got just one chance left now.

Oh dear. Simon, smiling Simon comes a cropper.

Another comedy thing there. He just cracks me up!

The way he did that! Brilliant.

Down to Ricky, Gail, and Roxanne.

Who will nab that second spot in the Wipe Out Zone?

Roxanne is drifting back.

There goes the finger and she's off! Oh...

Gail and Groves.

Pint-sized medal winner versus pint-drinking soap star.

-(CLANGING NOISE)

-Uh-oh.

Oh, he stumbled. Can he recover? Yes but now Gail is down.

This is getting desperate. They're both on the ropes.

Oh! I can't bear it.

Ricky looking tired at the back.

Gail surely adds the edge on fitness here. Ricky's down.

And he's out. Gail is through.

GAIL SCREAMS

I think she's quite pleased about it! Good.

The Tiger hung on but just took one tumble too many

and with Gail qualifying for the Wipe Out Zone,

it's shaping up to be a sporting final.

Third and final chance for Charlie, Roxanne, Simon and Ricky

to make it in to the celebrity Wipe Out Zone.

OK, time for the fickle fingers. Moving it!

That's it, people. One more place.

Charlie's over it. Ricky's over it. Oh, the other two are down!

Simon is out, as quickly as that.

Charlie, Roxanne and Ricky still fighting hard.

-Oh no, Roxanne's, no longer fighting, she's swimming.

-# Roxanne... #

Rocky took a blow to the head. She's out for the count.

Just Charlie and Ricky left.

It's between an actor and a serious news broadcaster.

Both looking equally exhausted right now. And Charlie is signing off.

And it's the Grovester!

So that's the three finalists: Ricky Groves, Dalton Grant and Gail Emms.

All of which means we wave goodbye to three brave celebrities.

He's been making headlines all day but he won't be the lead story tonight.

It's goodbye to good news Charlie.

It's the end of the day.

Simon was hoping for a Fast Show but it's a no-show for the finals.

Still laughing now! Ha... inside.

She Woolpacked a punch.

Emmerdale's finest, Roxanne Pallett has finally been knocked out.

Well, it's been a long, tiring, difficult journey to get here.

Shouldn't have cycled in, bad idea.

But it's been tough for the contestants too.

People shouting crazy things, getting covered in mud, crying,

I'm talking again about my journey in. Cycling's difficult.

But all the celebrities have put a huge amount into this

and it's sad to say goodbye.

It's been hard work. It's been gruelling.

And when I go up hills the chain comes off,

which is why I'm definitely going to get the bus next time.

Here's a reminder of who's still in the game.

I've been in Olympic finals but I have never

ever been so nervous in my life.

Hand on heart, I'm panicking.

I think I might have got slightly lucky but fingers crossed, I can still win this thing.

Gail's so determined.

That's why after all she has won an Olympic silver medal.

Having a baby is a hell of a lot easier than Total Wipe Out!

Dalton Grant, he is like a Spiderman Olympian.

-It's made me feel like I want to go out and compete again. It's brought that competitive edge.

I feel particularly proud to be in the same group as someone who's achieved so much in their life.

I lost my mum last year. She was so dear to me,

but I know probably she's up there watching over me.

It's me competing for my mum.

I'm a bit of a clown. People might have written me off at this stage.

Ricky, well, he could be a wild card.

OK, they're Olympians but they're not unbeatable.

This means more to me than Olympic Games, it really does.

I want to get the trophy, please!

Sometimes the underdog comes in.

I wish! Come on.

Tonight is all about high jumpers, racquet smashers

and Cockney kneeser-upperers.

It's a Wipeout Zone you'll never forget and neither will they.

Ricky is the first to brave it.

Ricky Groves is about to take on the role of his life.

Apart from being Gary in EastEnders.

Let's have it.

You can't have it, it's ours!

So, a very wet tiger heads towards the first obstacle, the rapid climb.

Once up and out of the water,

he'll have ten seconds before a torrent is unleashed.

Although right now, it looks like he's struggling with

the current torrent of water before the tidal wave.

Countdown hasn't started. He is still not on his feet.

-Come on Ricky.

-Yes, come on Ricky.

He's up and the countdown has begun.

Looking good now though.

Mind you, he seems to be lacking energy at this early stage.

He's completed it.

Onto the Seesaw of Truth.

Get this one wrong and it's a long drop to the water.

Oh. He's looking a bit like Dot Cotton.

Oh, tips it safely, he's nearly made it.

Yeah.

He's managed to stay out of the water so far,

but Ricky is setting the time to beat, and he needs to get a move on

to be in a chance of staying ahead of those two athletes to follow.

How will he tackle the crazy sweeper?

I think he might be trying to do it in one go.

He is, no, he's gone down very sensibly.

Watch your head and here's his chance.

Onto his feet - ooh, stumbling across the podiums.

He's on to the turntable.

The celebs are giving him some well deserved support.

He makes a first leap.

That's good. Still managing to stay out of the water.

More difficult leap next.

Waits for his moment.

Ooh. That was close. Just hanging in there.

And up he gets.

Oh, no hesitation there, third turntable.

One final leap to go.

And Ricky "The Tiger" Groves

finishes in two minutes five seconds.

He has set the time to beat.

That was a great run but he's up against two Olympians next,

so will it be enough?

Do you know what, that was a BAFTA award-winning performance,

in two minutes and five seconds.

-Wa-hey, that's not bad at all, is it, really?

-Amazing.

Good, I'm glad about that.

You should be happy with that.

However, you know you're up against some tough competition.

Yeah, well, let's just see what they've got in their locker.

But look, you know, I'm a bronze medallist already in my eyes.

There you go. Gail's up next. Let's watch.

Gail Emms may have a Olympic Silver medal,

but it is in badminton, not crossing wet mechanical obstacles.

Harry, I love you.

Argh!

Landing with her hand on her nose,

Gail starts the arduous swim to the Rapid Climb.

Two minutes five seconds is the time to beat.

Remember, she doesn't know that, she's just going to do her best.

At the foot of Rapid Climb, pulling yourself out

is tough enough let alone doing it with a gob full of water!

Makes it worse.

Once on her feet, the timer will start.

And she's off!

That's quite a pace she's set. Ricky will be worried.

He looks worried and with good reason.

Onto the seesaw.

Gail is making this look easy.

Keeping her balance. The tipping point, passes that.

And off she steps, calm as you like.

Crazy Sweeper, will she stay on her feet

or get bashed about like a human shuttlecock?

She's away. Keeping up a good pace.

Deja vu, she ducks in the same place as Ricky.

Up again, steps onto the podiums.

Slower than Ricky did. That's bad.

The Sweeper is closing in. Narrow escape!

Turntables. Jumps immediately, no time to waste.

Can she make the next leap? Oh no! Disaster.

The crowd can't look and neither can I.

I have to, it's a contractual thing.

Gail was so close holding on for a few seconds before falling in.

That must feel like the longest swim in the world.

Climbing the ladder, finding the strength.

Come on darling you can still do it!

-Sportsmanship from Ricky.

-Come on, Gail!

Struggling to pull herself up. Oh no, she's dropped down again.

Get up, come on!

Drawing on reserves of strength,

a lot of goodwill from her fellow celebs.

It looks like she's made it. That's more like it.

One leap to go. She's done it.

That was tough but Gail Emms completes the Wipeout Zone

in three minutes 40 seconds, a valid effort.

I don't know who his more exhausted, her or the celebrities!

It was looking so good for Gail as she stormed across the course.

Sadly, one drop and she was out of the game.

She doesn't yet know how well Ricky did

so it's time for Amanda to give her the news.

There you go, good girl.

Oh, Gail!

It's over!

Now, OK, how did that compare to the Olympics?

I was more nervous in that rubber ring than I've ever been

in any Olympic final or anything.

All right, I have to tell you unfortunately it's not going

to be a gold medal. You were slower than Ricky.

go and join the others. Hard luck, Gail.

And Ricky, my man.

-The dream is still alive. Let the best man win.

-Let's watch.

Both Ricky and Gail have high expectations of this guy and so have I.

It's Dalton Grant.

Mum, this is for you!

Turning before he's even landed.

That was an Olympic leap if ever I saw one.

Some unbelievable swimming. Just charging across.

Dalton doesn't know how well the other two have done.

He's going to be going as fast as he can and that's fast.

Up onto the Rapid Climb. The countdown begins...

Confident run to the top. No need for the countdown.

No time wasted. Dalton onto the seesaw.

Ooh, lost his balance! He doesn't seem to care.

He's straight across and off.

Can he handle the Crazy Sweeper?

He's powering ahead with those Olympic legs.

He'll try and do it in one risky... But has.

Plenty of time to spare. The clock's barely even started.

This is incredible. Wow! Double wow!

Flying across and 54 seconds.

I'm speechless! That was simply awesome.

To top it all, Dalton Grant is the new Wipeout Zone record holder.

All-time great performance, staggering.

What a hero!

How are you, my dear?

Better than the Olympic Games. Total Wipeout.

That's one statement.

One of you was a big hit in Atlanta, the other a big hit in Albert Square

but there's only one big hitter here tonight.

And that big hitter... it's not you Ricky!

It's you, you're the Wipeout champion, Dalton!

Mwah! Well done, you.

Well done, mate.

So, high jumper Dalton Grant wins another trophy to put

alongside the one he gets for jumping.

As well as £10,000 towards the charity of his choice,

Cancer Research.

Time now to me to sign off with my usual Total Wipeout catchphrase,

you're the weakest link, goodbye. No, that's not mine.

Let me try again.

I've been Richard Hammond, that's it from the 10 o'clock news. No, that's Fiona Bruce.

What is it? Have I got one? Five series in and I don't have a catchphrase?

Who's fault is that? That could be my catchphrase.

Whose fault is that, no, that doesn't work.

Until next time from Amanda and me, goodbye!

No, that was it! I need to wave before it cuts away...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd