Episode 10 Total Wipeout

"Be not afraid of greatness.

"Some are born great.

"Some achieve greatness.

"And some have greatness thrust upon them.

"If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs.

"Ask not what your country can do for you,

"ask what you can do for your country."

What does all this mean?

I don't know, but I'm saying it in my epic voice.

For this is Total Wipeout:

The Awards.

HAMMOND HUMS

Welcome!

Tonight we'll be looking back at the classic moments from the show,

and awarding prizes to the best and most entertaining contestants.

But first, here's a little treat for you.

The Total Wipeout team have thrown together a little bloopers reel,

so let's have a look at a few of my hilarious goofs -

proof that in TV, things don't always go to plan.

What shade of foundation are you using?

Cream ivory.

Cream ivory?

Do I look like a cream ivory?

No, I'm a warm almond.

You're fired, get out!

Urghh!

I asked for a double shot, skinny decaf, caramel macchiato,

what's that filth?

You are fired, get out!

Hello, and smellcome to Total Wipeout. Smellcome?

Get me the writers on the floor.

Smellcome?! You, did you write that?

You're fired - F-Y-R-E-D. Fired, get out!

That bloopers reel is not as funny as I remember.

Anyway, let's just see what is coming up.

SCREAMING

MUSIC: "I'll Be There For You" by the Rembrandts

Yeah!!!!

Woooooh!

It's time for tonight's first award, which is for the best new obstacle.

I don't think I'd be exaggerating

if I were to say we've had more new obstacles this series

then there are atoms in the universe.

So, who could forget, the Broken Bassoon, the Chamber of

Filth, Eduardo's Alligator Challenge - you have forgotten them!

Anyway, for me, the hands-down winner of the Best New Obstacle

was a timeless classic.

Ladies and gentlemen the Hammond Hurdles.

Wow! Look at that, what an obstacle!

And here is Non Bouncy Sophia showing us exactly how to defeat

the Hammond Hurdles...

..by breaking it, so no-one else can use it!

Oh, that was a bit of a let-down.

Anyway, here's the Best New Obstacle Award.

Shiny, sleek, untested and put together in a hurry.

These are the brand-new obstacles we have seen this series and the people

that made them great, but who will win the Best New Obstacle Award?

It's the Terror-Go-Round -

one spinning cone,

a bunch of punch bags, two spinning sticks,

or Fickle Fingers Of Fate as we like to call them.

And a couple of very excitable Argentineans with inflatable

ammunition.

Put it all together, and it turns into a game that can be over

very quickly,

as Pleasure Beach Andy found out.

Andy's the one at the front, walking like a timid runner.

He kept strolling along whilst his team-mates took a pounding.

Even when he got hit, he just kept on going, like the terminator,

until he got flannelled.

Then he just flung it aside.

Unfortunately, the Fickle Fingers knocked the Blackpool

lad off his stride, and away he went with a cheery salute.

Good work.

In fourth place in the Best New Obstacle category it's

the Time Portals,

and from a galaxy far, far away, it's Obi Chris Kenobi.

May the force be with you.

A Star Wars fan, and part-time Morris dancer.

Look as he travels in bold dimensions,

covers the lot - forwards,

backwards,

sideways,

and diagonally.

That's it, Chris!

And of course - down.

At number three, it's the mayhem that is Double Cross.

There are three platforms by which you can enter it,

and two ways you can leave.

Either via the red platform, or the water.

It's hard enough to cross as you can see,

but even if you complete it, you're not out of danger yet.

Here's how rugby player, Lineout Laura, tackled it.

Not very well.

A full 360 classic wipeout.

It's a high-class obstacle, the Wall Street Smash -

a suave and sophisticated addition to the course.

It gently takes people out like this.

And this.

And that.

Octapoppa Tony made his eight kids proud with this effort.

Ha-ha, now that's family entertainment!

The winner of the Best New Obstacle is the Doorstep Challenge.

What could possibly go wrong?

It's just three doors with a few massive hammers behind them.

All the contestants need to do is to pick the door without

the hammer behind it.

Like this.

OK, so that one had a hammer behind it,

and so did that one.

In fact, you've only got one in three chance of not getting

a mallet in the kisser.

You could always try and dodge it, like this.

But it's made more fun for us if you just accept your fate.

Life coach Windy Lynn thought positive thoughts,

and hoped that luck would be on her side when she approached the doors.

And that's the power of positive thinking.

Not that she would be doing much thinking

after that the wallop to the noggin.

Oh yes!

I thought I was going to go forward

and I sort of went backwards.

You think?!

Well done, Lynn.

A worthy recipient of the Best New Obstacle Award.

Most contestants apply for this show

because they want to compete in the ultimate athletic battle.

Others just want to get on TV.

Those are the ones we affectionately refer to as the strange ones.

To celebrate those slightly deluded folk who are prepared to

put their dignity on the line just for some screen time, this is

the Five Minutes of Fame Award.

From him,

to him.

To her - everybody wants to show off their talents.

Some are good skills,

some are just wavy,

and some... I don't know what he's doing.

I don't know.

No.

Is it a bird, is it a plane - no, it's Zoe Spain.

What a talent!

# You got that something that keeps me so off balance

# Baby, you're a challenge

# Let's explore your talents. #

ROCK GUITAR MUSIC

MUSIC: "2-4-6-8 Motorway" by Tom Robinson

So, we've narrowed down our top three favourites,

and they look something like this.

Taking third place in the Five Minutes Of Fame Award,

it's Arnie-ish Ashley.

Why's he called that?

Well, he sounds nothing like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-ARNIE IMPRESSION:

-What are you doing?

Get to the chopper now.

These men are trying to kill us.

Think he's choking on something.

But did Ashley make a better impression on the Qualifier?

No, no he didn't, did he?

It's Andy Bar Moustache, and he's talking facial hair.

-Is that real?

-Yes.

-MOUSTACHE:

-Ouch, get off!

-Oh!

-All real!

-Oh, my goodness.

Are your whiskers going to be a help or a hindrance today, Andy?

Definitely a help, they'll help me fly, they're like wings,

they're like special mighty powers.

-MOUSTACHE:

-Mighty powers!

-Are you just saying that?

-Yes.

-MOUSTACHE:

-No, he isn't!

Some might run and some might dash,

but I have the power of the mighty moustache!

-MOUSTACHE:

-Hooray!

Now, I don't know about you, but I love a bit of Victorian slapstick,

and that's exactly what Andy provided on the Wall Street Smash.

Double hit, and, as if that wasn't enough - classic comedy!

It may have ended badly the first time, but Andy learned his lesson.

That's it!

A wonderful slide for comic effect.

But the winner of the Five Minutes Of Fame Award -

-SINGING:

-# Jubilate, everybody, serve the Lord in all your... #

It's church minister, and singing sensation, Rockin' Robin.

# ..Presence singing... #

Do you need me to go on?

Yeah, why not, I'm loving this.

# Enter now his courts with praise. #

Bring on the obstacles! Do not let me fail.

I want to take them on and win,

I'm the vicar from Wales.

MUSIC: "Faith" by George Michael

But, as Robin soon found out -

you can't sing when you swallow a hammer.

MUSIC: "Knocking On Heaven's Door" by Guns N Roses.

Right in the cloister!

Amen to that.

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! Halle-lu-jah!

The whole thing goes on for about five minutes so I won't finish it,

but that's how I'm feeling right now,

just, "Hallelujah, it's over!"

Well done, Rockin' Robin -

Winner of the Five Minutes of Fame Award.

Still to come on Total Wipeout: The Awards...

But first, over to me.

Hello, one of the biggest advances ever on Total Wipeout was

the introduction of a thing that sprays

people in the face on the Sucker Punch.

Brilliant! A marvel of the 21st-century.

Here's a fun fact, though.

The sprays are coloured with a substance that is

illegal in over 15 different countries.

That's a fun fact, but as the fists usually gets all the attention,

it is nice to let the sprays have their time in the limelight.

Or, kind of, browny, greeny light.

This is the Squirter McWhirter Award for the best squirt in the face.

Everyone on Total Wipeout gets their face painted for free,

whether it be brown...

browny green...

dirty green...

or worryingly off-white.

Basically, any colour of the rainbow,

assuming it's a predominantly brown rainbow.

There have been so many colourful characters

to take on the Sucker Punch -

not so colourful before they took it on, but they are now.

So, to celebrate their uniqueness,

here is the winner of the Squirter McWhirter Award.

Anyone for Helen, was served an ace in the face.

That is paint, isn't it?

Yes, I'm sure.

New balls, please!

So, was that game, set and match to the Qualifier or to Helen?

I think that was game set and match to the Qualifier, there.

Well done, Anyone for Helen,

winner of the Squirter McWhirter Award, she'll be proud.

People often stop me in the street and say,

"Being on Total Wipeout looks really painful,"

and I say to them, "You wouldn't believe the half of it."

I stubbed my toe kicking one of the production team this morning.

I got a splinter from this, and I don't even know what this does.

And I've got a long-standing problem with RSI, Repetitive Stool Injury.

The people on the course get it pretty bad as well, to be fair, so,

you might want to look away now,

it's time for the You Might Want To Look Away Now Award.

I'm going to be looking away for this section,

whilst still trying to talk about it.

Probably a man getting hurt there,

and I guess a woman is hurting herself now.

I'm going to look back just to make sure.

NO, I didn't want to see that!

I'm averting my eyes again,

I'm trying to look through a crack in my fingers...

Ow, those all look painful,

but whose discomfort deserves recognition with an award?

Number five in the You Might Want To Look Away Now category is

Stunty Amanda on Double Cross.

So many ways to get clobbered, but which did she choose?

Ouch!

Ooh! Yup, it's about the most hurty way.

An incredible set-up for a perfect face plant. Smash!

It's the Little Fearne-maid - dancers are normally

so beautiful to watch.

Like this - such dainty moves.

Graceful, pretty.

I might be a princess, but I don't need no prince on a horse,

cos I'm going to rock this Wipeout course.

Oh, I'm a little bit scared for Fearne, she's a little bit girly.

I should look away, but you know - I can't!

Ha-ha - right in the tiara! Thank you.

SHE SCREAMS

Even worse than that, it's Battered Gillian on the Doorstep Challenge.

I wonder how she got that name?

Ha-ha! That's why!

Her ears are still ringing!

Oooh!

Oh, my god. I can't believe we've just done that to her!

The battering didn't end there for Gillian.

Ow!

Poor Gillian!

And it just kept coming!

And coming!

Why did everything hit me?

This is the Shapeshifter.

Since its introduction, it's been

the purveyor of fine Look Away Now moments in this series.

And no contestant summed this up more than Silly Philly.

Look away now, please!

Oh, Philly, that was so silly!

And the winner of the You Might Want To Look Away Now Award is...

PE teacher, Dunkin' Clare.

Before taking on the course, clear uttered the immortal words,

"I'm going to slam dunk myself around this course."

Words that she lived to regret.

Unbelievable!

"I'm going to slam-dunk myself around this course."

That's a slam!

And the dunk!

You were unbelievable, I thought it was going to break you in two.

It pretty much did, didn't it!

Congratulations, Dunkin' Clare.

I wish I had looked away!

Exciting news, Clare is with us now to accept the award.

Erm, how do you feel, Clare?

'I'm going to slam-dunk myself around this course!'

I think need to work on your acceptance speech.

All right, cheers.

Still to come on tonight's show...

But first, think about the greatest stand-up comedians of all time.

Billy Connolly, Peter Kay, Victoria Wood, Richard Pryor,

Amanda Byram, Michael McIntyre.

Out of all those legendary names, only one person on the list

is also the co-presenter of an obstacle-based game show.

Yes, it's Amanda Byram.

Time now for a well-deserved tribute to Ms Byram's

substantial contributions to comedy.

It's the award for the recipient of Amanda's best jokes.

At five, Georgia, who was stalked by her neighbour's cat.

Uh-oh!

-CAT:

-Miaow!

And Amanda came up with a corker!

I wonder how she's feline now?!

HONK

For chicken farm receptionist, Clucky Jackie, Amanda thrust

her hand deep into the pun bag and yanked out this little beauty.

Ho-ho, that was one fowl manoeuvre.

HONK

Look how pleased she is with that one. She's very pleased. Oh yes.

Basking in its glory.

Then there was five-foot Diddy Damien, the author.

I wonder what Amanda made of him?

Listen, apologies, but I have to ask you -

do you write short stories?

HONK

That was low.

MUSIC: "High Hopes" by Frank Sinatra

Hello, hello, hello!

This is policeman, Anthony Taylor.

Also known as Ant-spector.

Stop, police, this is my crime scene,

you'd better lock this course down.

Now, you might expect a police pun here,

but Amanda's wit is a far more subtle beast than that.

Ooh! Ant...just got decked!

HONK

Well, she is happy. That's good.

I'm such a moron.

Toot-toot-toot-toot!

But, in first place -

I am the dancing Queen, and today, the winner takes it all.

That's Abba tribute singer, Not Swedish Sarah,

so where could Amanda possibly go with this one?

She's a super-trooper!

HONK

Honk, indeed!

But that wasn't all, oh, no it wasn't.

She took that right in the Chiquitita!

I don't even know what that means!

And it didn't stop there. But I wish it had.

Oh, Mamma Mia!

HONK

Yes, she will run out soon.

And Sarah, The Winner Takes It All!

HONK

How many more?

Take A Chance!

HONK

That's got to be every song on the best of Abba CD, surely!

MUSIC: "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by ABBA

Come on, you're doing this for the Money, Money, Money!

Oh, yeah, missed that one.

You know the winner takes it all. So, you took a chance.

Well done for that.

Thank you, Amanda! Wooooh!

Well done, Not Swedish Sarah!

Winner of the Amanda Byram Groaner Award.

Now, the next award is something every Boy Scout in the country

wants most...

Oh, hang on, let me just read ahead... No, it's fine.

It's the Five Metre Mud Pit Swim Badge...Award.

I just thought it could have been...

It goes without saying that the mud pit has had many,

many visitors this series.

She's got a mud beard.

But this award is to honour those who try to swim their way

out of the brown stuff.

At number three, it's Holy Moly Alex, who returned for the Last

Chance Saloon, after a gobsmacking performance first time around.

-Talk to me, how was that for you, Alex?

-I fell off every one.

Went hell for leather and got up there again.

First time around, Alex remained spittle-free

but he took an early dive on the second punch

and opted instead for an enthusiastic front crawl, liberally

coating himself in muck,

and topping it all off with a fetching mud goatee.

Stylish!

Taking the silver medal, but there isn't a silver medal,

is Girl Power Jodie.

She adopted excellent posture on approach,

looking every inch a title contender...

..but got a bit let down by the doggy paddle.

Still, that slop does rather burn the eyes, apparently.

Woof-woof-woof-woof!

And the prize for Best Mud Swim goes to Sarah Direct,

an insurance adviser from Devon.

She fell at the first fist, but, faced with a long, long swim

struck out bravely on her quest, and quickly found a rhythm.

She's not moving.

Sarah invented an new swimming stroke, the front splutterfly.

HONK

I thank you. And for that, she takes first prize.

Magnificent.

It's the most difficult thing I've ever, ever done in my life, I

just didn't know if I could actually do it,

I was just like, "Oh, I'm so tired right now."

I can't wait to just go and lie down somewhere and just collapse.

Well done, Sarah Direct,

winner of the Five Metre Mud Pit Swim Badge Award.

Incredible performances from all of those competitors,

but there is one person who deserves a special doff of the brown cap...

Hold on, let me just read ahead again... No, it's fine.

Someone who took wallowing in filth to an unprecedented height of disgust.

It's the Mr Mop Special Mess Award.

Priceless Howie, a 39-year-old account manager for an electronics

firm in Swindon, brought a little pizzazz to the Wipeout course.

Howie claimed to be a walking piece of art.

And he ended up looking a pretty picture.

Howie went for a wonderful all-over application, leaving him

looking like a cross between a festival-goer and Morph.

That is priceless!

You know what,

I don't think I've ever seen anybody muddier in that mud pit!

I can actually see the mud in my eyes.

I've got this cloying stuff coming over, it's like that in my eyes.

Priceless Howie, I present you with the Mr Mop Special Mess Award.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

That's the sort of nonsense that people come up with

whenever they are trying to be funny in a hair-related situation.

Not something that, personally, I would ever do myself. Personally.

As luck would have it, this next award goes to somebody whose

magnificent barnet helped them across the course.

It's the Just Stepped Out Of The Salon Award,

and to all of you taking part - hair's looking at you, kid!

HONK

So many wonderful hairdos have tried the course this series,

and all seem to end up getting messed up.

But there is one hairy hero who got through unscathed.

No, definitely not him.

Winning by a hair's breadth is Hairdo Ron Ron,

the lifeguard from Leamington spa.

He brought his own flotation aid in the form of a giant hairdo,

but didn't seem to need it.

Against all the odds, Ron stayed high and dry, right up

until the Shapeshifter, and bided his time.

And then this happened...

He didn't get wet again!

What poise, what panache. What hair!

Amazing performance there from Ron.

Now, bear with me, it is

traditional at times like this to celebrate with an oyster. Mmm.

Ron! Your hairdo has turned into a hair-don't!

-Urrgh! Wipe your nose, Ronnie!

-Sorry!

Blurgh!

Well done, Ron! Winner of the Just Stepped Out Of The Salon Award.

Weird salon!

If, like me, you were eating oysters, or any shellfish,

for that matter, just then, I can only apologise for Ron.

He might be a winner in the hair stakes,

but when it comes to bogeys, he's a big loser.

Or winner - depends on the competition.

But put that from your mind.

Or try, as best you can, because still to come tonight -

I'm Anna, and I'm going to open a can of whoopass on this course.

Oooh!

I didn't expect whoop-ass to be that colour.

Anyway, what's next, ah, this one's a good 'un.

It's the slow motion award.

Or, should I say,

slo...w mo...tion awar...

Oh, that's spoiled the effect.

Never mind, Hammond, push on, be a pro.

This series, we've enjoyed slow motion replays like never before.

Now, that is partly because it has become clear how beguiling,

bewitching and be-lightful they could be.

It's mostly because Eduardo has only just found

the button for it on the camera.

So, now it's time to crown the contestant who looked

the best in slow motion.

Show champion, and jumping aficionado, High Kia, lived

up to her name with this staggering display of sweeper dodging.

A-mazing!

The crowd went wild.

Amanda went wild.

And then Kia...fell off.

At four, it's Diddy Damien, heading for a glove that normally

finds its target slightly lower on the body.

Look at that, an immaculate display of fist acceptance...in the face.

AAAAAGH!

AAAAAAGH!

Now, the Blob only appeared in one show this series,

but created a wonderful selection of slow mo moments,

and is my favourite thing in the entire world.

And this is Amateur Adam,

who seemed blissfully unaware of the trial he was about to face.

KLAXON SOUNDS

AAAAAGH!

At two, it's Tom the Viking, who isn't actually a Viking,

but a business analyst from Nottingham.

He tackled the Big Balls with a warrior's cry.

Roaaaaarrr!

And then this happened!

Roaaaaarrr!

His new Viking name - Loosely in de Damp.

But nothing can top Iron Man Mark's second assault on the Qualifier.

It went very wrong for Mark on the Unfair Stairs.

That's a classic slip. Oh, look at that.

Savour this, it's art!

If you're watching this 200 years from now,

just to understand what we were about...

Yeah!

Well done, Mark. Worthy winner of the Slow Motion Award.

Now, I know taking part in Total Wipeout is exciting.

Actually, I don't know, because I've never been allowed to do it,

and I so could!

But, bearing in mind, I find stairs quite thrilling, I can only imagine

what it must be like to stand at the top of the Qualifier, with

all that water and brightly coloured foam spread

out as far as far as the eye can see.

But, come on, I know it's a great view,

but is it really necessary to shout quite as much?

People having fun is one thing, but all that noise, it's just -

oh, no, I've turned into my dad.

It's time for the Stop Shouting Award for the biggest

gob of the series.

Woo-ha-ha, Wipeout!

MUSIC: "Shout" by Tears For Fears

AAAAAAGH!

-ROAAAR!

-MIAOW!

-AAAAGH!

-WHINNY!

GROWL!

-YEAH!

-SHHH!

Here's Digital Dan.

Aaaaaaaagh!

Really?

Cheap, unnecessary noise, but funny.

Oh, is this... Yeah, brace yourselves. Brace, brace...

Rrrroaaaaarrrr!

It's Dave from Accounts. All of him.

Trained hard, said my prayers, taken my vitamins,

now let's do this!

Maybe not your typical accountant, but it's always the quiet ones,

or, in Dave's case...

the really, really noisy ones.

Rrrroaaaaarrr!

See what happens when you lose your headband, oh,

and he's losing his pants, too.

Dave screamed his way onto the Sucker Punch,

until he got gloved in the cakehole.

Then sounded barely human on the Shapeshifter.

Try making these noises at home - you can't.

Rrrroaaaaarrrr!

Oh, yes!

Oh, I'm cracking up!

But Dave did save one little shout for the end -

-Yeaaah!!

-Yeah!

We who are about to rock salute you!

But, the noisiest contestant by far was Metal Marcy. He shouted here...

Aaaaaagh!

..he shouted there...

Aaaaaagh!

He pretty much shouted everywhere, and even got Amanda moshing.

She doesn't normally do that.

The Stop Shouting Award goes to Metal Marcy.

OK, you've won, you can stop shouting now. That's enough.

I'm going to divulge some insider gossip here, a little bit of secret

information that I know the bigwigs don't want to get out.

Some people have, on occasion,

put a little bit of thought into this show.

I know, that sounds crazy,

and I didn't believe it either at first, I mean, just look at it.

That's not even on this tray, but out there, on the course,

the backroom boys only have one golden rule - "Keep it simple."

That goes for the obstacles, the rules and the presenter.

I don't get it.

All of which goes to make it all the more entertaining

when people insist on getting it wrong.

So, this is the You're Doing It Wrong Award.

-HE RAPS:

-I am the man with the master plan...

Start again, start again, let's do it again.

MUSIC: "Nobody Does It Better" by Carly Simon

I can't remember.

# Nobody does it better

# Nobody does it better

# Nobody does it better

# Better, better, better

# I wasn't looking... #

Argh!

# I wasn't looking... #

Argh!

# I wasn't looking...

# How do you learn to do the things you do? #

At four, wildlife student, Crocodile Ben-dee,

made it all the way to the Wipeout Zone and

was looking good for the win, until he did this.

Oh.

Just a reminder here that Ben is against the clock,

chasing those seconds,

going as fast as he can.

Stand-up! Get up!

Oh, yes. Invaluable advice from Amanda which Ben chose to ignore,

and that's how not to do the Crazy Sweeper.

He did it wrong.

Here is Awesome Amita with a well-prepared start.

KLAXON SOUNDS

Oh, no! No, that is wrong in so many ways.

At two, sporting a precision haircut,

it's Irish support worker, Annaline on the Shapeshifter.

-Oh, yes!

-Yes, she got that bit right.

Hang on, ooooh!

Oh, my goodness! OK, prepare yourself.

Get ready.

But the winner of the You're Doing It Wrong Award

has to be Crash And Bernard.

Just sit back and enjoy Bernard's majestic

mishandling of the Time Portals.

Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, god.

How can something so wrong feel so right?

Somebody stop the poor man.

I've got to say I'm so glad that's over.

So am I!

I was really fearing for your safety,

and your limbs, at one point I honestly thought you were

going to break your legs.

Why did you just not let go?

I'm fine. I'm a big man.

Crash And Bernard, a worthy winner of the You're Doing It Wrong Award.

Now, despite getting so much wrong,

the intrepid Total Wipeout contestants do all share one thing.

They rarely, if ever, give up.

We always remember the champions, but what about the everyday

folk, that normal-ish band of Brits who just come to give it a go.

This special award celebrates you.

It's time for the Everyman Salute.

That was a stupid salute, I'll just do a respectful wave.

They came, they got sore, but they conquered.

And this award is for them.

This series, we have seen almost 180 contestants make

the pilgrimage to the Total Wipeout course in Argentina.

Despite the odds being stacked against them,

they soldiered on to the end.

They may not all have won, but they are all winners in my eyes.

Like Miriam.

So, Miriam, if you were to win here today, £10,000

and a trophy above your head, what would you do with that money?

You're having a laugh! I'm not going to win.

Well, it's good to see you're positive.

And, despite Miriam's low expectations,

she didn't give up...

..when the going got nasty.

Twice.

Miriam battled on.

The only glory Miriam was fighting for was her own.

RICHARD CHUCKLES

And although there are many who have performed great athletic

feats on Total Wipeout...

there are many that surprise not just us,

but themselves.

Some became champions,

but for most, the joy

and glory of just getting to the end was reward enough.

Bring it! Bring it!

On behalf of all of those who've taken part,

and for all of those who never gave up...

We present this award to the woman who epitomised all their efforts.

She came...

I just can't do this!

..she got sore...

But she conquered.

I hate Total Wipeout!

Miriam - this is for you.

Oh, my gosh.

Although, in the Bible it says, "The race is not for the swift or

"the strong, but for he that endures to the end."

And me, Miriam Virgo, endured to the end.

So I'm still a winner in my eyes.

Still to come tonight...

-CAT:

-Miaow!

Throughout history, there have been many awards given to people,

but why have no awards ever been given to techniques?

For example, there are many techniques that

I use as a presenter - let me demonstrate.

This is my light comedy technique.

Hello, and welcome to the show. You see?

Now, this is my kid's show technique -

Hello, and welcome to the show.

And this is my death of a member of the Royal Family technique -

Hello, and welcome to the show.

That's how you do it.

Anyway, here is the award for Best Ball Technique.

The technique at number five is the classic face plant,

so simple, yet so ineffective.

It's just a case of running, jumping and landing on your face.

The advantages of this technique - it's extremely entertaining.

The disadvantage is it hurts your face.

Not ours, just the person doing it - it hurts their face.

This is Powerful Pete demonstrating a powerful display of face-plantery.

Nice. There you go.

The Ball technique at four is having no plan whatsoever.

# I just don't know what to do with myself... #

Now, this could take the form of becoming stranded, like that.

Or, not even managing to get stranded.

Bouncing and screaming with no particular plan.

Or just wearing a fancy hat and hoping for the best.

And this is Windy Lynn again, exemplifying the no-plan plan.

Maybe that earlier smack in the face removed her ability to make

a plan, who knows?

Aaaaaaagh!

At three, it's the technique known as the bouncing bomb.

That's because it involves bouncing, and then doing a bomb.

To be a true bouncing bomber, the slapping noise you make when

you hit the water needs to make

people physically wince when they hear it.

That's got to sting!

And this is Ant-spector demonstrating the finest

bouncing bomb of the series.

Wow! It's a good 'un.

The second-placed Ball technique is the Nearly Made It approach.

So many nearly headed for Big Ball Glory, but...

They messed it up at the final hurdle.

# Remember when we held on in the rain... #

# Didn't we almost have it all?

# When love was all we had worth giving.... #

Yes, yes, hang tight.

This is show-winning High Kia,

with the finest Nearly Made It of the series.

That just looks stupid!

Pole-vaulting Kia looked a dead cert for Ball glory!

That's it!

But something went badly wrong.

Oooh!

Poor Kia!

What did she do?!

But the best Ball technique is called Crossing the Balls,

because it is the only one that results in people actually

crossing the balls, like Tangy Liam here.

The technique involves progressing across all four Balls

and reaching the other side.

It's not simple, but these Ball crossers make it look that way.

Brilliantly demonstrated by A Spoonful of Ellen.

No matter what these Ball crossers do for the rest of their lives,

they'll always look back on this wondrous achievement proudly.

As, I'm sure, will Sporty Girl Amy.

She's going to do it!

And you, Oxford Psychology Ball Crossers Club Chairwoman, Helene!

Hairdo Ron Ron really did did.

And Alex, the Village Idiot, gave us all a shock.

Oh, no, stay on, stay on! Oh, oh, oh, stay on!

But finally, he made it!

Then, there was Big Sis Becky.

Hold tight!

Yes!

Dr Evil Amanda.

Woooh!

And Arnie-ish Ashley.

Yes, Ball crossing really is the best Ball technique around.

Now that is cool!

Well, I've saved the best till last,

and this next contestant really does deserve a special nod.

Not only did Non Toff William cross the Big Red Balls,

he set a new all-time record on the Qualifier for a non-celebrity.

But having said that, setting a record kind of makes him

a bit of a celebrity.

But then, it would mean he's no longer a recordholder, which

would mean he is not a celebrity, so that means he is a record holder...

I'm getting a nosebleed. Here he is!

He looked like any other Eton-educated tweed wearer,

cantering along a pontoon until...

He hammered the doorstep challenge.

Made mincemeat of the Sucker Punch.

Yes!

Did this on the Big Red Balls.

And then topped that off with an incredible finish.

Wow - one minute, two seconds. Now that's a record.

I don't think that was anything to do with my ability,

it was just my attitude, giving it 110% and not letting up.

Well done, Non Toff William, winner of the best Ball crossing

technique, and this commemorative Go Faster flat cap.

Like he needs it!

I can categorically state that the word hero

definitely applies to Will.

And me.

And joining this holy triumvirate is another hero,

a hero for heroes, a hero's hero...

Hang on, this hero's a she...

What's the word for that? She-hero!

This she-hero really made the most of her time on the course - she set

a Total Wipeout record,

then returned one last time to try and break it.

This is the Hammond's Hero Award.

And the recipient - Bouncy Jill.

Jill set another all-time record on the Qualifier,

the slowest ever, at 16 minutes 44 seconds.

To put that into perspective, Non Toff Will could have run

the course 16.2 times before she'd finished.

Jill was invited back for a last chance to beat her time,

and after gaining the notoriety of being the slowest,

you have to give the girl her dues, this is a brave move.

She came a cropper early on the Unfair Stairs,

so things really didn't start well for Jill.

Everyone was preparing for a long afternoon.

Amanda started a book, Eduardo took some muscle relaxing salts.

6½ minutes in and Jill took an early dive on the Sucker Punch.

Oh, Jill!

But did she give up? Oh, no, she didn't.

Look at that. A sight to behold.

With a little help, she marched on, what spirit, what bravery!

Eduardo saves the day.

I'll see you in a minute.

Look at the determination. Nine minutes in and faced with

insurmountable odds, did Jill throw in the towel?

Did she cry mercy? Did she call her travel insurers?

You've got to beat that 16 minute record!

No, she didn't.

What a true she-hero!

And, as the clock ticked towards the 15 minute mark,

it became clear that Jill might actually beat her 16 minute record.

Oh, this is stirring stuff.

Eduardo was moving to following Jill up the stairs.

Jill beat her previous slowest time by over a minute.

You have just smashed just your 16 minute barrier! Yes!

Which means she is now the second slowest on record.

I'm faster than I was.

So, if I come back about 50 more times,

and if I get a minute faster every time,

by, like, 2020 I will have won £10,000.

Well done, Jill,

and I mean that, for carrying on when all else was lost.

A worthy winner of the Hammond's Hero Award.

It's time for the climax of tonight's star-studded award show.

And what a climax it is! It's proper Hollywood! I made that!

This year it's a bit different, though.

No best Total Wipeout Presenter Award.

Can I have a Hollywood fanfare please?

It's the People's Award For Best Presenter Of A BBC Early Evening,

Saturday Light Entertainment Show Ever.

And the nominees have been whittled down to two finalists,

Richard Hammond and Amanda Byram.

Since the start of the series you've been able to send in your

postal votes to here -

I probably should have mentioned that before now.

Oh well, no point in crying over spilt milk.

Voting is almost closed, so there is just time for me to vote.

I will just put a cross there.

Ooh, and that's the voting over!

So, time to see who has won.

Ooh, not many votes...

just one in fact.

This should be easy, can I have another Hollywood fanfare please?

And the winner of the People's Award For Best Presenter Of A BBC,

Early Evening, Saturday Light Entertainment Show Ever is...

ORGAN FANFARE

..Amanda Byram?

Oh, I ticked the wrong box.

I said this before, we need to make this idiot-proof!

Anyway, congratulations again to Amanda. And all tonight's winners.

What a year it's been!

From all of us here, goodbye.

# And the rhythm of life is a powerful beat

# Puts a tingle in your fingers and a tingle in your feet

# Rhythm in your bedroom

# Rhythm in the street

# Yes, the rhythm of life is a powerful beat

# To feel the rhythm of life

# To feel the powerful beat

# To feel the tingle in your fingers

# To feel the tingle in your feet

# Daddy, go - go, go, go. #

I can't even begin to tell you much I love that.

# To feel the rhythm of life

# To feel the power of the beat

# To feel the tingle in your fingers

# To feel the tingle in your feet

# Daddy go - go, go, go. #

If Total Wipeout was giving awards for the biggest bash,

I would be number one.

# To feel the rhythm of life

# To feel the power of the beat

# To feel the tingle in your fingers

# To feel the tingle in your feet

# Flip your wings and fly to Daddy

# Take a dive and swim to your Daddy

# Feel the rhythm of life

# Of life, of life, of life.

# Yeah!

#Clap your hands!

# Sock it to me!

# Let it all hang out! #

-ALL:

-Yeah!

Hee-hee-hee. Erm...

# Flip your wings and fly to Daddy

Flip your wings and fly to Daddy

# Flip your wings and fly to Daddy

# Fly, fly, fly to Daddy

# Take a dive and swim to Daddy

# Take a dive and swim to Daddy

Take a dive and swim to Daddy

# Swim, swim, swim to Daddy

# Hit the floor and crawl to Daddy. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd