Celebrity Special Total Wipeout

And appearing tonight on Celebrity Total Wipeout,

Richard Hammond!

Straight from Argentina, it's the Celebrity Qualifier.

The obstacle that all the men fall for, it's Celebrity Double-Cross.

Fresh from a sell-out season at the Bournemouth Pavilion, Celebrity Terror-Go-Round.

And from the hit TV show Celebrity Total Wipeout,

it's the Celebrity Total Wipeout Zone!

So let's play Celebrity Total Wipeout.

Sorry! I'm trying out a new celebrity workout and diet regime.

And that's...100!

100 steps. That's about the length of a marathon. Probably.

I'm pooped.

On today's special, all celebrities are in peak physical condition, like me,

and they've got to be, because they will all be taking on the Qualifier and the Double Cross.

They'll score points for each round, but only the six highest scorers go through to the Terror-Go-Round.

The winner gets £10,000 for their charity,

as well as being crowned Total Wipeout Celebrity Champion.

Let's tune in to discover who's on the box today.

Comedian Dom Joly presents hidden-camera show Where's The Camera?

Followed by The Money Programme with Lady Sovereign.

In metric, she's Lady Five Pence.

Then, it's the History of Sticky-Back Plastic with veteran Blue Peter presenter Peter Duncan.

Followed by The Weather with Clare Nasir,

who'll read the weather.

Harry Potter star Chris Rankin takes us on tour with his broomstick in Living With Magic.

There's a ding-dong in Albert Square for Lucy Beale. Yep, it's Melissa Suffield.

Actor Marcus Patric hosts Question Time.

Tonight's question - where's Hollyoaks?

Tonight's movie is Fast & Furious with Olympic sprinter Donna Fraser.

Susie Amy's Vineyards focuses this week on guest wine Chardonnay.

And Finally, How To Look Bad Naked with football legend Neil "Razor" Ruddock.

..99,999! Whoo, feel the burn!

As you can tell, I've been working out all week.

All I've been eating is celery and salad fumes.

But every Saturday is treat day.

I'm starving. Today's treat is...

..chunky carrot and tomato-skin broth.

Yummy!

Look, it's actress Susie Amy,

obviously no stranger to the celebrity fitness and diet regime, either.

You're famed for playing Chardonnay in Footballer Wives,

who spent a lot of time with her personal trainer. Any parallels in your real life?

I think I workout a little bit more than her. I don't think she worked out at all.

However, I get severely motion sick, so anything that spins may be a problem for me.

-I could vomit.

-Right. Erm, OK...

Anyway, let's see what Susie's up against first.

It's just some stairs. This should be no problem.

And off she trots to the normal, everyday staircase.

Oh, yes, I'd forgotten. They move like that.

I hope that doesn't affect Susie's sensitive stomach.

Here she goes. She doesn't like polystyrene and cheap napkins.

None of those here. Maybe she doesn't like rope, either.

-SUSIE RETCHES

-Oh, my goodness.

Sounds like Susie's been a bit woozy.

OK, Susie now faces the... You've got to be kidding!

..the nausea-inducing Spinning Hoops.

If you're eating dinner, I'd wait a few moments before you do.

I can't see this turning out well. Looking a bit dizzy already.

Oh...

Oh, that's not good. No. Oh, dear.

-SHE RETCHES

-Oh, that's twice.

-This is going well!

-Susie!

I think I've had enough chunky carrot and tomato-skin broth.

This'll make Woozy Susie feel better - the Sucker Punch.

Look at her go. Susie is an amateur painter.

The Sucker Punch is a dab hand with water colours,

so this should be a good match.

Well, that was short-lived. But at least she wasn't, you know, woozy.

It's time for the first celeb of the day

to take on the four stomach-churning beasts, known as the Big Red Balls.

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

-The Big Red Balls. There they are.

Here she comes, tired, muddy, but luckily no twirly-motion things,

no polystyrene, no cheap napkins and no rope.

So, what could possibly go wrong here?

-Oh.

-SHE SCREAMS

SHE RETCHES

Oh, well. The advice is, don't drink the water.

Last but not least, it's the Shape Shift.

Jump on the swinging thing, pick your favourite hole and dive through it.

Just not like that.

There's a tiny bit of backward-and-forward motion here,

so if you're eating dinner,

best leave the room because this could get messy.

She's going for it and she's choosing the...

HE LAUGHS

SHE RETCHES

Ten out of ten for effort.

So Woozy Susie completes the course in 3:14

and is two stone lighter.

Not even out of breath!

This is comedian Dom Joly.

-What's been your training regime?

-I've gone down a spiritual route.

I went to a Tibetan retreat for a month.

I've been doing transcendental meditation.

I've been on a strictly vegan diet. So I'm in the zone.

Aggh, God! Mummy!

-Who would be your ideal opponent?

-My ideal opponent would be

a 40-stone 70 year old, or someone under five.

But I haven't seen anyone yet, apart from Lady Sov.

Eh? A lady? Nobility? Why wasn't I informed of this?

So here goes the prank-show legend.

Wait a minute. Is this a setup? Is he about to play a prank?

Where are the cameras? They're not in here? No.

Right, here goes.

Oh, wow. That was really good.

Who woulda thunk it?

That's not really Dom Joly.

That's an athlete in a Dom Joly costume.

Look at this! Oh, come on!

-Jolly good, Dom!

-This is definitely a prank.

No-one's that good.

The Sucker Punch. He's just going to walk straight across.

There are hidden camera recording me, aren't there?

Oh, no, that really is Dom Joly. That's OK.

I promised my kids I'll be getting over the red balls.

You can't promise your children that! You don't want to disappoint them!

I've been a disappointment to them most of my life, so it's fine.

I am going to get over them, though.

Apart from disappointing his kids,

Dom enjoys dancing on his own to David Bowie.

Probably not ideal preparation for the Big Balls.

So, will this be a big disappointment?

-HE SCREAMS

-Absolutely not! He meant that, kids!

Dom really throws himself at those...

His kids won't be disappointed with that at all.

Ten out of ten for, well, effort or something.

A final chance now for Dom to prove himself.

MUSIC: "Heroes" By David Bowie

He looks determined. Makes it onto the plank,

which, technically, is only the start.

Taking his time. Don't want to look silly.

-Oh!

-Hang on!

-But that did look silly!

-Oh, Joly!

-Oh!

Yes, a suitably comic finish for a great comedian.

Dom seems to be struggling on the ladder. Not so jolly.

He's soldiering on. 2:13. Good work from Dom.

Not looking so jolly now. He's holding his ankle.

Let's hope he hasn't hurt himself too badly.

Now, on with my celebrity diet. Here's the main course.

Mm... Power cabbage.

Lovely.

It works.

-This is...

-Rrrrgh!

I can't quite read it. "Radar" is that?

-Rrrrgh!

-Raver?

I'm knackered now. I'm tired.

Oh, no, Razor.

Yes, it's Neil "Razor" Ruddock, that is.

Diego Maradona? Nothing! This is The Razor!

-He's very shouty.

-BOOING

The Argentinean crew don't like that at all.

I'm only playing. I'm acting. For all the Argentinean people here, that is acting.

Is there anybody that you are at all afraid of here?

Sov.

That's Lady Sovereign to you, Razor.

If she beats my time, I swear... I can't go home. I'll have to stay.

Let's be 'aving ya! Let's be 'aving ya!

-Where are ya?

-KLAXON

Can Razor summon up those magic football skills?

The pace, the balance, the athleticism?

-Ahh!

-No. Clearly not. No, none of those things.

That was razor-sharp, that.

Not looking particularly quick, but Razor can still impress.

Come on, Neil. See if there's any of the old match-fitness left.

Here we go! Onto the first hoop.

I have to say, he's no Dom Joly thus far.

Although his comic timing's actually pretty good!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

See? Excellent.

Bravo!

Razor ambles up to the Sucker Punch.

To many, it's a pneumatic wall of danger,

but not to this veteran of the Liverpool defence.

Here, he is right at home.

He is taking quite a pounding.

Poor old Razor.

-# When you walk...

-He looks hurt.

I wasn't expecting that. Neither, I suspect, was Razor.

It was a punch in the mouth, was what it was.

But then it's not often you get to see that kind of thing on a football pitch, is it?

-Are you all right?

-Yep!

Classic tough-guy stuff, never admits to being hurt.

I'm hurt.

Oh, he just said he's hurt. Oh.

But you can never keep a tough guy down!

Though, he is down.

Come on, Neil, you can do it. Catch your breath.

If only I could give Razor some of my power cabbage.

Come on, Razor, time to pull something out of the bag.

STRIPTEASE-STYLE MUSIC

-No, not that. No, no...

-What is he doing?!

It's all gone wrong!

No, please!

And if, by some miracle, you are still watching at home,

cover the eyes of the person next to you.

Razor Pants Ruddock is about to take on the Big Red Balls.

In his pants.

Oh, come on! I just... Please! Wh...? Oh.

Where's the dignity?

# You'll ne...

# Ever walk

# Alone #

MOURNFUL MUSIC

Poor old Razor. He's given everything.

We've seen it all. Quite literally, in fact.

Will someone blow the halftime whistle and get that man an orange?

I'm not sure he's got anything left.

Apart from his socks and trainers, and they're staying on.

Anyway, who's next?

Ah, it's EastEnders actress Melissa Suffield, here to bring some east-end cheer.

Melissa, you're 18 and there's a bunch of oldsters here. You've got it in the bag.

No way. Really, no!

-Why?

-I'm ridiculously unfit.

But did you not spend years running around Albert Square to keep fit?

It probably would've been a good idea. I sit at home eating popcorn.

I might be the baby of the group, but I'm not chucking my toys out the pram. I'm here for a laugh!

-So am I.

-CANNED LAUGHTER

Anyone else here laughing?

Not much to laugh at on the course, though.

She's off. Safely on the top step. That's good.

Makes the swing. It's a big swing.

She's already doing better than old Razor Pants.

I can't forget it. But can she do a Dom Joly here?

-Oooh, hang on. This girl is good. Maybe she can.

-Good girl, Melissa!

Nothing to laugh at here.

You can laugh at that. Briefly.

But, you see, that's a recovery there.

Look, she's playing to the audience! Hang on, we don't have an audience.

Melissa now getting that smile covered in green paint.

And she's... Oh, definitely off.

Probably not having a laugh now.

No, she is! She's still laughing! Look at that!

MUSIC: "(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher" by Jackie Wilson

I'm sure this is going to be funny, but will Melissa find it funny?

Well, I found it funny. I'm not sure Melissa did...

..find it as funny as I did.

Oh, no. She did. She did. Credit to her, she did.

Just the Shape Shifter to go.

Starts well. Plans her next move carefully.

You can do it. Just time it right.

I don't know why I say that. It's practically impossible.

Try it! Try it! Now, go!

Yes! Ohh!

-She should've stayed in there.

-Number one rule of Total Wipeout,

never, ever listen to Amanda Byram. She's just guessing.

So Melissa finishes the course in 3:28.

Time for one last laugh, I bet.

-Never again.

-Oh.

-Ever.

-Never say never, Melissa. Never.

Now, this is Donna Fraser, a real-life athlete.

A really fast 400-metre real-life athlete.

And this is Percy Weasley,

a fictional character from Harry Potter, played by Chris Rankin.

-You did bring your broomstick, didn't you?

-They wouldn't let it through Customs. Yes.

-I know.

-OK, this isn't good.

So, what happens when sporting prowess,

athletic agility and physical stamina

comes up against magic?

I'm pretty sure magic probably has the edge.

Wizardy Chris is off. This involves flying through the air,

something he should be good at. When he gets to the rope...

Here we go.

Oh. It's a shame they don't teach knots at Hogwarts.

Do a spell, come on! Knot-ious untie-ious!

Strappious...

-Oh, that didn't work at all.

-Oh, no!

-That's done it completely!

Chris showing us the famous flying spell.

If he hadn't missed a word, maybe he'd be in the air. But he dropped a word and...

Wizardy Chris may be bad at knots, but how will a real athlete fair?

This should be a breeze.

Donna's part of an Olympic medal-winning relay team,

so her hand-eye coordination will be supreme.

-Oh, my goodness.

-It appears she's also struggling with that knot.

Maybe it's not something they teach you at athlete school.

If they did, she should've concentrated.

Ah, here we go! On her way now!

Oh. False start.

S-She's back at the beginning now. She's gone nowhere.

It's going well. Tries again! Yes, that's better! Sort of!

This is terrible.

Right, can we pick up the pace on the Hoops?

She's through the first. Pretty good.

Through the second. Picking up speed. Onto the third ring.

Yes! Oh, oh!

Onto the bend now, powering down the home straight.

Yes! No need for a photo finish. She's cleared the Hoops.

She's a runner, not a fighter, so this could be tricky.

-Agh!

-Oh. Tricky and, er, sticky.

Back to the magic, Wizardy Chris on the Hoops.

Has he drunk a potion?

Actually, I'd hope not.

Here we go.

Time for Donna Runner to show us a gold medal-winning performance

on the Big Red Balls.

Come on, Donna. Come on! Come on!

-COME ON!

-Run, Donna, run!

Come on! Yes! Yes!

Maybe! No.

So Donna Runner is a goner.

She is quite graceful about it.

It's somehow more elegant than, you know, normal people.

Chris has been training for Total Wipeout with ballerinas.

Maybe he should've trained with boxers instead.

Despite taking short shrift,

it looks like Wizardy Chris fancies having another go. I haven't seen this done before.

Determined to show that ballerina training was not in vain.

Right in the Quidditch! It's got to smart.

There's nothing magical about that.

Donna Runner takes on the Shape Shifter.

This involves a bit of running, so she'll probably be brilliant at it.

-Here we go! Expecting a lot.

-DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yes! There was some running!

And some more running! Oh.

Her legs just got in the way!

So Wizardy Chris needs to fly over the Big Balls in order to catch up with Donna.

If there's ever been a time to use magic, this is probably it.

Come on! Do some magic!

Where's your broomstick when you need it, eh?

# I'm gonna run to you! #

Donna Runner finishes in 2:48, the second-fastest time so far.

How does Total Wipeout compare to the Olympics?

The Olympics is a doddle!

And now it's Chris's turn to thwart the Shape Shifter.

They do that, wizards, they thwart things.

MUSIC: "A Kinda Magic" by Queen

Thwart it, go on. Probably uttering magic words to himself right now.

Smooth. And he'd do the ballerinas proud.

-Wow!

-Yes, yes, yes!

The first celeb to stay in the Shape Shifter.

Can he make the leap? Come on, Chris!

Use magic or ballet or whatever!

# It's a kind of magic

-# Magic, magic...

-He's doing it!

-# Magic!

-He's done it! A-ha!

Magic!

And look at the time - 2:52.

Hang on. 1:52? Just 52?

Wh...? Zero?

No, Chris, you can't do that. It's cheating.

Right, let's take stock. In first place, Dom Not-So-Joly.

Followed closely by Donna Runner and Wizardy Chris in third.

Woozy Susie finds herself in fourth, Never Again Melissa in fifth.

But what about Razor?

Phew! Well, that is a... a good sight.

But not specifically that one.

MOURNFUL MUSIC

-Oh, just... Look at that.

-Looking good, Razor!

-No, it's not!

Could this be his moment, his time to shine?

He's been through hell and back. Can he do this?

DRAMATIC MUSIC

He might do it.

He still might actually do it.

-It's looking less like he'll do it.

-MUSIC STOPS

No, that's gone wrong.

HE SCREAMS

We have confirmation, he definitely didn't do that.

# You'll ne...

# Ever walk...

-And the ordeal... is over.

-# Alone #

Razor Pants Ruddock finishes in a time of...

Well, let's just say ages, shall we?

My Lord! Ooh!

OK, that's enough of that, thank you.

All right, that really is enough.

That reminds me, actually, did I lock my bike to the rack?

I'm joined now by a proper brilliant hero and all-round good bloke,

it is Peter Duncan.

Peter, you got off lightly.

I could've hummed the Blue Peter tune and done a bit of a jig.

BLUE PETER THEME

-I've got a dark side, too, you know.

-Ooh, really?

-I'm not really as sweet and lovely as you think I am.

-Just how dark are you?

BLUE PETER THEME

I am an actor, so I assume other personalities and characters.

I have the dark side,

so all those things lead to avenues of excitement, enjoyment and creativity.

As you can see, Peter Duncan has joined the Dark Side.

There he is, being all evil.

-HE BLOWS RASPBERRY

-You see? You see?

I'm a massive Peter Duncan fan, actually.

-Agh!

-That's a bit of his acting going on there. It's pretty dark.

The 57-year-old actor was known for being a daredevil in the 1980s.

Will we see that side of him today? Yes! I think we might!

That's spectacular. You see, he's still got it.

Trained stuntman!

Yes! Oh. Whatever he breaks, he pays for.

That's in the... It's written down.

We've had some good hoop action so far today.

The pressure's on for dark Duncan. He's through the first one.

Sort of.

Yes. Do you know, he's actually doing well.

The dark side is strong in this one.

Very strong.

And he's through!

And I'm sure he meant to do that.

-That way!

-He's in control.

And that, as well, the other-way thing there...

He used to make things out of sticky-back plastic and loo roll.

What will he make of the Sucker Punch?

He makes a bit of a mess of it.

Will Dark Duncan dare to take on the Big Balls?

He will. He's honestly one of my heroes.

Duncan will dare. Yes, Duncan Dares.

Time for the stuntman in him to come to the fore!

Oh.

A disappointing ball crossing, but a very good falling stunt.

Apart from being a trained acrobat,

Peter also has a massive collection of stone eggs.

Erm, handy. I hope he hasn't put them all in one stone basket.

Will he go for the circle?

Yes.

It's not good!

Oh. Duncan pulls himself to the finish line in an impressive 2:34.

Give that man a Blue Peter badge.

I'm joined by a lovely lady, who I predict great things for today.

-It is weathergirl Clare Nasir. Hi, Clare!

-Hi, Amanda.

I'm predicting good things for you. Are you predicting good things for yourself?

I'm not putting myself under any pressure whatsoever.

My motto in life is, "Be realistic. Plan for a miracle."

I need a miracle today.

Making a plan based on miracles is possibly a bit unrealistic.

Ooh, hello! It's a miracle!

Clare must've planned for that. She must be a clairvoyant!

Yes! Although she's a clairvoyant that's not very good at knots.

Here we go. No, she didn't predict how high she'd need to be, did she?

She swings again!

Still swinging.

Oh.

-She swings again!

-SHE SCREAMS

Well, no miracle there, but is she planning one for the Hoops?

A-ha! She can! Two miracles in one day!

This is much better than Chris's magic.

How will Clare fair?

-OK, she's past the first.

-# I believe in miracles...

And the second one.

And now the third! And that's...

-No, that's gone wrong. No!

-SHE SCREAMS

-AMANDA LAUGHS

-When it rains, it pours.

# I believe in miracles

# Since you came along

-# You sexy thing... #

-Time for the Sucker Punch.

Crikey, another miracle! It's some sort of miracle thing!

Can Clare Voyant predict where the punches will come from?

Oh, come on! She's not even started yet! Try again.

Yes! Oh.

Well, as a wise man once said, when it rains, it pours.

Time to find out whether she will make it across the Big Red Balls.

Regardless, one thing is for sure,

we are probably going to see another miracle at this point.

Yep. It appears miracles are a bit like buses.

Spend a lifetime and then four come along at once.

Speaking of four, it's the Big Balls!

That's it! Oh, oh! Stay, stay, stay!

OK.

Hello! Clare is the first celebrity today to stand on a big red ball.

She's made the third. Come on, Clare.

Steady. Ohh!

-Yes, she's on the fourth!

-My goodness! You're going to do it!

Yes! Yes, she has done it!

Clare could set a really fast time if she can get one more miracle!

Maybe she needs planning permission, I don't know.

Come on! Yes, there it is!

Oh, no. It seems you can overdo it on the miracles.

Clare Voyant completes the course in 3:29, and she is happy with that.

I'm happy with that.

She's still happy with that. And I'm still happy with that!

-I think she's happy!

-Amanda's happy with that.

Happy days!

Not only are you the smallest weather girl on the entire planet,

-you're the only weather girl to have ever done the Big Red Balls!

-Yes!

Whoo!

Now, this is Hollyoaks heartthrob Patric.

Sorry, no, Marcus.

Is that Patric or Marcus? What do you mean, both?

Oh, this is Patric Marcus. Why didn't he say so? This is Marcus Patric.

No Sucker Punch is going to ruin this silly face!

Really? I'm pretty sure the Sucker Punch can ruin your silly face.

And Marcus is off.

He's really going for it! Oh, he's really gone for it.

That was short-lived.

-He's got his determined face on.

-That's it, Marcus.

You mean Patric. It's Patric, isn't it? Impressive ring-dodging.

This is nicely done.

Sucker Punch now. Oh, no.

Are you mentally prepared for this challenge?

I believe in myself. I reckon I can do this.

I haven't come all the way out here to go swimming.

-I've come out here to win.

-Brave words, Marcus.

He's not here for the swimming, so let's hope he doesn't fall in the water.

Here we go. First, second, third! Oh, now for some swimming.

So Marvellous Patric Marcus didn't cross the balls,

but whatever he did, he did it pretty quickly. See?

Onto the Shape Shifter. Only one celebrity made it across and he used magic.

Can Marcus do it using just his brains? It's all in the timing.

Nope. That wasn't clever.

What was that?

Unfortunately, Patric jumped at the one bit without a hole in it. See, that's not a gap.

Despite that, a marvellous finish. 1:47, the fastest time today.

Marcus will be pleased. As, of course, will Patric be.

Yes!

-Yep!

-Oh, yes!

Yep. Oh, yes.

-Yes, siree.

-Yes.

-Yes!

-Oh, yes.

-Yes.

-Oh, yes!

Ohhh, yes!

-Whooo!

-Yee-hee!

-Whoo-hoo!

Stop it now.

-Whoo!

-OK, that's enough.

-THEY GRUNT

-This is getting silly now.

Now for the last celebrity and this is a real honour.

We have nobility here on Total Wipeout.

PLAYS FANFARE

Please be upstanding for Her Royal Highness, Lady Sovereign.

(Well, curtsy!)

That's a curtsy?

There she is, in all her finery, a true lady.

And there's the sovereign bit.

Make way for the S-O-V!

Of course! Please, everyone make way for the S-O-V.

The lady doesn't do obstacle courses with a hat.

DANCE MUSIC

Her Highness approaches the unfair stairs.

There was a red carpet, but it fell off.

This music isn't very regal. Who's it by?

-Good girl!

-Amanda, address her as "Your Royal Ladyship"!

MUSIC: "So Human" by Lady Sovereign.

Flipping 'eck! She's good. Well done, Your Sovereign-ness!

Yes!

-Onto the Sucker Punch now.

-She's going to be good!

Yes, all the maids and butlers will be watching!

Oh, no. Oh!

This is awkward.

Punching nobility, is that treason? Oof!

Heads are going to roll now! Oh!

She's got warpaint. This is going to be good.

Her honour compromised, Lady Sovereign is declaring war

on the Big Red Balls.

Hang on, is that a power nap? Is that a royal thing?

Diplomatic gesture of goodwill, perhaps? Could be.

Yes, let's stop. Ahem, Your Ladyship.

It seems hostilities are renewed! Yes!

One, two...

-SHE SCREAMS

-Oh, dear!

Her Highness just got, er, mullered.

Call the paramedic! Her head's on the wrong way round!

They're going to have to change the coins, the crown won't fit!

Actually, no, it might just be her hair. It's her hair. Yes, I think it's her hair.

-SHE BELCHES

-Better out than in, ma'lady.

The girl can rap, but the girl can't swim.

How many times do I have to tell you? She's a lady!

SHE BELCHES

Her Highness's time is not as good as it could be.

Lord Sovereign will not be pleased.

Come on, Sov!

What's happening? Oh, crikey, she's doing a Razor Pants Ruddock.

No!

Let's just stop at the shoes, yes?

This must mean she's getting serious. Will she have enough energy to make the final leap?

When the nobility put their minds to it,

you'd be amazed what they can do!

Here she goes. Reaching back to her ancestors.

Come on, Sov, you can do it.

All that fine breeding... Here she goes!

-She's on!

-Hang on, hang tight!

-She's staying on!

She won't be unseated that easily. Can Her Highness make that jump

and succeed where so many of her subjects have failed?

Come on, Your Highness.

She made it! Only true royalty could display such pomp, circumstance

and in a time of 4:41,

which is better than Neil Ruddock, so that's something, isn't it?

Ma'am?

Ma'am? Ahem? Ma'am?

So Marvellous Patric Marcus sits at the top of the charts with the full ten points.

In second with nine, it's Dom Not-So-Joly.

Dark Duncan is close behind in third.

Followed by Donna Runner, Wizardy Chris and good old Woozy Susie.

Further down it's Never Again Melissa, Clare Voyant and Her Royal Highness.

And at the bottom with a single point and no trousers on, it's Razor Pants Ruddock.

But the story doesn't finish there.

Unfortunately, Dom Joly hurt his foot

and is unable to continue in the competition.

A sad loss indeed. But I won't be sad for long

because I have a delicious cauliflower muffin to top off my awesome diet!

Agh! It's raw!

Here are the ingredients to Double Cross.

Add 1,000 gallons of chilled water to 14 tons of foam padding.

Sprinkle nine par-boiled celebs.

Be sure to follow the recipe. Green gangway on, red gangway off.

Just add a jus of centrifugal force, add a touch of spice, and blend.

Is that a cake? I miss cake.

Anyway, the first to cross will score ten points, the last a measly one.

At stake, six places in the next round. Steak...

The fastest to make it across the qualifier, Marvellous Patric Marcus.

Please keep Ruddock away from me!

With nine points and showing us his dark side, it's Dark Duncan.

Help us! We are trapped on Planet Wipeout!

-Send the rescue ship now!

-He's doing more of his acting there.

Thank you! Third in the qualifier, it's Donna Runner.

I'm said to always be smiling. Hopefully, I'll be smiling on the other side!

Could he be magic? It's Wizardy Chris.

Please don't fall on me, Razor!

Sick bag at the ready, it's Woozy Susie.

Please don't fall on me, Razor!

In sixth place, and still not laughing, it's Never Again Melissa.

Send me home!

She only scored three points in the last round, so she'll need a miracle here, it's Clare Voyant.

-This goes out to my little girl, Sienna.

-Aww.

Now, all bow for her Royal Highness, Lady Sovereign.

Petite little freak with monkey feet! Bring it on!

Certainly, Ma'am.

Finally, with just a single point and no trousers, it's Razor Pants Ruddock.

I am not an elephant! I am a human being!

Nine celebrities, determined, fearless,

and all asking where their skinny lattes are.

There's no time to waste. It's Double Cross!

-Are you all ready?

-ALL: Yes.

They've changed their tune. Three, two, one!

And so it begins. Which celebrity will go for it first?

There's Donna, doing a runner straight into the water.

Who's this? Marvellous Patric Marcus! In trouble, but hanging on!

-That's it, Marcus!

-Still on. And so is Peter Duncan!

Timing is the key. Waiting for the red exit gangway to swing into position.

Susie's having a go!

Marcus makes his move. And, yes! He's across!

Marcus takes the fist spot again. That's another ten points.

While Susie is in the water. OK.

What can Dark Duncan do?

That's it! That's it, Peter!

-Yes!

-HE CHEERS

Textbook stunt-work from the daredevil.

He gets nine points and more of my admiration.

And possibly a bruised chin, as well.

Right, back to the game. Donna's in the middle with Chris.

It's a battle between athleticism and magic.

Donna makes a move. Ouch!

She's got the speed all right, just she got tangled up in those long legs of hers.

Chris looks determined. He may be about to cast a wizardy spell.

Oh, yes! Runnious acrossious! It works!

# Magic! #

The Harry Potter star makes light work there and scores himself six points to boot.

The shoes are going in.

Lady Sovereign up to her old tricks again. Don't get any ideas, Razor!

She's so regal. Carries herself well. Clare Nasir's made it to the middle!

Razor still rooted to the spot.

-Woozy Susie makes a move.

-That's it, Susie! Well done!

Hello! And there goes Razor Pants! Dive-bomb.

He didn't even try!

Clare is off!

She's across! It's a miracle!

OK, Susie.

This is your moment.

Now Woozy Susie, can she make it through without making a big mess?

Yes, she can! No sick bag required.

Pressure now on to score the remaining points. Donna takes up the gauntlet.

Prepares... She's going to do it! Yes! Oh, no!

Disaster!

The Olympian just couldn't hang on. You don't get any closer than that.

That leaves Never Again Melissa and Lady Sovereign...

-I can't bring myself to do it.

-..both of whom haven't actually moved.

Razor Ruddock showed us a dive-bomb,

and poor old Donna Runner is about 15 attempts in.

Here she goes again!

The Sweeper arm's moving at celeb speed.

The others are just spectators.

She goes for it! No problem this time for the Olympian!

Surefooted to the last, and she bags a valuable four points for her trouble.

It really doesn't matter what these three do. They are eliminated from the next round.

I'm petrified!

I'm really scared of heights.

It's THAT! I...

I'm really scared of heights.

Oh, dear.

-I am.

-I feel ill.

-I'm going to go get a cup of tea and come back, I think.

-A cup of tea! And an eclair!

-Let's call it a day, shall we?

-Hang on, what's this? Razor gives it a go!

He's made the middle! He's doing this just for pride. Can he pull it off?

This is... Yes! Yes, he's doing it! Yes!

And the muscle memory is still there!

The old magic coming back to him when he needed it most! What a finish!

CHEERING

Come on!

By adding the scores from the Qualifier to the Double Cross, this is how the board looks.

With the maximum 20 points, it's Marvellous Patric Marcus.

Closely followed by the ultra competitive Dark Duncan with 17.

Flying into third, it's Wizardy Chris.

Into fourth runs 400-metre athlete Donna Runner, closely followed by Woozy Susie.

Finally, it's a miracle, sneaking into the next round, it's weather girl Clare Voyant.

So Razor, Melissa and Lady Sovereign are out of the competition

and join Dom Joly in the Total Wipeout hospitality area.

Which, I discovered, was full of these dangerous snacks.

They'd be very unhealthy for anybody on my special celebrity diet.

Tiny four-cheese pizza. That is irresponsible.

Take them away!

Just about there will do. That's fine. Thank you.

OK, let's keep this simple. Don't fall off.

There's one Spinning Cone, two big Rotating Fingers, three heats, four cheese pizzas. The end.

Did I just say cheese pizzas?

Six celebrities all worried about what their future holds.

And I don' mean their careers. I mean Terror-Go-Round.

-Are you all ready?

-ALL: Yes!

The future's bright. Three, two, one!

Before things get messy, here's a quick reminder of who the celebrity-go-rounders are.

Still sporting his silly face, it's Marvellous Patric Marcus.

She's long-legged and fast, it's Donna Runner.

He's been spell-binding up to now, actor Wizardy Chris.

She gets sicky when things get icky, it's Woozy Susie.

He's a daredevil in ballet tights, Dark Duncan.

She makes miracles happen, it's Clare Voyant.

Prepare for terror. This week the Terror Twins are masquerading as lifeguards.

They get to throw inflatable beach stuff at the celebrities, and they're happy doing it.

See? Dark Duncan receiving quite a whack there!

Looks like the Terror Twins have been filling the inflatables with pebbles again.

Here come the Fickle Fingers!

And the carnage begins.

Ooh! Chris and Clare already off!

Oh! Clare's brushed off, whilst Chris is flung by a giant wand.

Two down, four to go.

Oh! Oh! Not looking good for Donna!

And she's out! And then there were three. And a shark.

Make that two and a shark.

Woozy Susie takes a dip, which leaves Dark Duncan and Marvellous Patric Marcus.

Ooh. Ooh. But Marcus has slipped!

And Duncan is down! Marcus is still going!

Duncan does everything he can, but it's not enough!

So Marvellous Patric Marcus is through to the Wipeout Zone!

Oh, and an early beach-ball hit for Wizardy Chris.

The Terror Twins decide to throw in the towel.

Direct hit on Duncan. And Donna.

Here come the Fingers.

Susie's not happy with that.

And there goes Clare! Again!

Poor Clare really hasn't had much luck on this. She needs to plan for a miracle in Heat Three.

Second sweep. Wizardy Chris is off again, too.

-Donna's down.

-Get up, Donna!

And now Susie's down. It's hard to keep up.

Duncan takes a hit.

It's Donna and Dark Duncan for the second berth in the Wipeout Zone.

Look at the little legs.

Donna's in trouble. Sprints back again. Good recovery.

-Steady yourself, Donna!

-Donna almost trips on a crocodile.

Duncan over again. Takes a massive whack to the head!

Looking a little unsteady as a result.

Both determined not to give up.

Donna looks to be lagging slightly behind.

Struggling to get over the beam! And she's off!

Donna, a great sprinter. Not a great hurdler, perhaps.

Which means Peter Duncan is through to the Wipeout Zone and he will be chuffed about that.

Final heat and the Terror Twins look like they've lost all their energy.

They're all eager beavers!

Susie covering her head as if that's going to help.

Actually, maybe Chris should try.

Time for the mayhem to begin. Will Clare be out first again?

Oh! Yes!

And if history's anything to go by, Chris will be out next. Let's see.

Things desperate now. Just one place left to fight for.

Concentrating! Oh!

Oh, no! There goes Chris, Susie and Donna!

They've all fallen in.

But who was the last one standing?

Well, even though Chris was the last to fall off, it's Woozy Susie who stayed on her feet the longest,

which makes her the third Wipeout Zone finalist. Well done, Susie.

So Susie joins Peter, Marcus and Patric.

Hang on, that's four. I don't know what's happened.

What I do know is that seven celebrities are no longer with us.

Let's celebrate their celebrity...ness.

I've broken my foot. I've literally done a total wipeout.

I didn't realise that was a literal thing when you came on the show.

Double Cross is a thing of nightmares.

It's really scary. It's a long way up for a short girl like me.

I'm exhausted. I'm so tired.

I wish I could have another go now and do it a little bit better.

The Olympics is much easier.

Definitely!

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

I would like to come back and have another go when my foot's repaired, see if I can break the other one.

This diet's going very well. It's all about willpower.

You've got to stay focused. Never drop your guard.

-Pizza for Richard Hammond!

-I didn't order pizzas.

I'm not Richard Hammond.

So Marvellous Patric Marcus, Dark Duncan and Woozy Susie

have made it through to tonight's Wipeout Zone.

The Qualifier, I found really tough.

Having got to the final three, I do think I was a little bit lucky.

I'm pleased that I just have enough cartilage left in my knees to do this!

I would never imagine getting this far at this age. It's nice just to be asked!

I don't think my balance is very good or my coordination.

I'm not as fast as Peter or Marcus. I don't think I'm as brave as them, either.

Never, ever write Susie Amy off. This is anyone's.

I definitely underestimated Peter.

Peter's been brilliant! How old is he?

People have said to me I am fearless. I think it's because I've done very dangerous things.

He's into three figures, isn't he?!

It would be incredible to win Total Wipeout.

It's a big thing tonight. I want to do well in it.

To be honest, I think if I won, you might see tears, which would be deeply embarrassing to my children!

I'm feeling a bit nervous of the Wipeout Zone.

I'm really nervous. Really nervous.

I'm not scared! It's easy.

I don't have very high expectations of myself. Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky.

I'm just going to go on instinct and hope that it carries me through.

I'd be under the moon, over the hill and far away!

I just want to make it round!

-I'll try and bring the trophy back.

-It would take pride of place, as we used to say on Blue Peter.

It's an all-action acting extravaganza here tonight.

Peter has done some acting, hasn't he? Good.

Because only one thespian can take home the coveted trophy for best performance.

It's the Wipeout Zone and Susie is the first to brave it.

She was the first last-woman- standing on the Terror-Go-Round.

Can she stay on her feet in the Wipeout Zone?

I can't wait to finish.

-KLAXON

-And the ordeal begins.

It's the usual rules for this celebrity Wipeout Zone.

Woozy Susie is setting the time to beat.

The first obstacle she faces is the Rapid Climb.

When Susie's up and on to it, the timer begins.

She then has ten seconds before the tidal wave is released.

That's it! Stay up!

-And that countdown starts now.

-Come on, Susie!

With all that water running over her feet, it's slippery!

Susie's cutting it fine. Three, two, one!

And she's safe.

Onto the Seesaw of Truth now. Can't afford to be too slow.

Marcus and Peter are very strong competitors.

She finds the tipping point.

Tips it. And Susie's safely over.

Onto the Crazy Sweeper.

Might she try this in one run?

Not at that speed she won't.

Ducking is good.

She'll need to get back on her feet quickly.

Ohh! Takes an early dive there!

Will Susie have enough time now to cross the podiums?

The Sweeper's getting closer!

But she's across!

The Turntable's next. That first one is a long gap to traverse!

Susie's made it!

The next jump is an even bigger leap.

Choosing her moment to make it.

Almost! No! That's a real knockback for Woozy Susie.

That was so close.

Susie was pulled back, perhaps by the momentum of her woozy legs.

I can't get up here!

We can't send Eduardo to help Susie. This is the Wipeout Zone after all.

Every last ounce of strength is needed.

The curse of the dreaded ladder.

She hasn't given up just yet, though.

Nearly off, but she's done it! 4:23.

I'll be honest, it's not a fantastic benchmark time, but anything can happen in the Wipeout Zone.

Susie, that was a leading-lady performance in that there was a lot of drama!

Exactly. I really, really enjoyed it.

You did that in a time of 4:23.

That's quite long, I think. It felt shorter.

-Peter's up next. Let's watch.

-Thank you so much.

Dark Duncan is at war with two fellow TV stars.

So, in a way, this is Star Wars. Get it?

To die would be an awfully big adventure! Cock-a-doodle-do!

Classic Obi-Wan Kenobi stuff there. Could've been watching it.

The game is on. 4:23 the time Peter must beat.

Not that he knows that, remember.

30 years ago, Peter was known for his physical resilience,

and my hero for it. He's proved he's still up to the challenge.

Onto the Rapid Climb.

Yes, he's over! Go on, Peter!

Susie being very sporting.

Come on, Peter. Oh, he slips!

Back on his feet. Over the Rapid Climb in a flash.

Onto the Seesaw of Truth. Another slip!

Slow down!

He's not looking very solid on his feet,

but makes light work of the Seesaw.

What can he do on the Sweeper? Great time so far.

He's really going for it. Will he do it in one?

He's ducked. Playing it safe there.

BOTH: Go, Peter!

Back to his feet. Hesitant across the podiums,

which means the Sweeper gets even closer!

Just! Ohh!

He's on the Turntables now. Makes the first!

But how will he cope with this next leap? This is a big one.

-He makes it!

-Come on!

Straight into the next jump! Final leap! Come on, Peter!

And he's done it!

Peter Duncan takes the lead with a time of 1:29!

A truly excellent run! Wow!

Even though he made two errors, that was a lightening performance from the former Blue Peter man.

Peter, age is obviously irrelevant, because you were faster!

-I love you. Goodbye.

-Well done!

-How do you feel?

-Well, er...

Edging on emotional, actually!

-Let's watch.

-I love it! And I get to watch it?

Marvellous Patric Marcus has been the strongest celebrity all day,

so this will be interesting.

Prepare for the ride of your life!

I'm not doing anything, you are.

That would've sounded ominous if his voice wasn't so squeaky.

Anyway, concentrate. This is important.

Time for Marcus to pull his finger out. 1:29 is the time to beat.

What a target!

Marcus, of course, almost half Pete's age,

so will youth or experience win out?

He's up and onto the Rapid Climb. The clock starts.

No need to start it, really. Marcus is legging it up that ramp.

Onto the Seesaw of Truth. He's not slipped, like Peter did.

Peter not cheering him on at this point. Or maybe we're just not seeing it.

Marcus finds the balance point and he's off it.

No-one's been knocked off the Sweeper. Will Marcus be the first?

Starts to run, but gives up. Now he's backing up!

Oh!

Cutting this close. But he shoots anyway.

He's going to try and do it in one go! He's going for it.

Brave! He's done it. Just the Turntables left.

Oh, and he makes this look easy. This is getting close.

1:29 is the time to beat.

I'm astonished! A perfect landing. Time is running out, though.

Really cutting this fine.

Hurry up! Just one more jump to go after this now.

And...

..he's done it!

I have no idea. I can't call it!

And by just one second! This couldn't have been any closer!

That's astonishing. We have a new Total Wipeout Celebrity Champion.

Time for Amanda to break the news.

I could feel it in my bones that tonight was going to be a fantastic final.

There was one second between you two!

SHE LAUGHS

The Total Wipeout Champion this evening...

..is...

-..Marcus!

-CHEERING

So Hollyoaks actor Marcus Patric is today's Celebrity Total Wipeout winner

and earns his charity, CLIC Sargent, £10,000.

Thank you.

Just a reminder, if you do want to follow my new fitness regime,

log onto www.you-too-could-look-fit- like-me.cake.

Where's Wardrobe? Somebody shrunk my tracksuit.

Thank you for watching. From Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]