Episode 1 Total Wipeout

'We interrupt this broadcast

'with news of strange sightings from across the globe.

'The nation has been told not to panic.

'Ooh la la!

'Yes, sir. That's a big ball.

'We don't know what it is or where it's heading.

'We've got a signal and it's definitely heading south.

'Amazing scenes here in Argentina.

'There appears to be balls descending on Earth.'

MUSIC: Theme from "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind"

DEEP BASSY LAST NOTE

We're back!

Tonight, on Total Wipeout, 20 audacious human beings - including a professor, a soldier

and an accountant - have come to Argentina to face the hardest

and most hilarious obstacle course known to man.

All have the same intention, to leave in one piece

and be £10,000 richer than the rest.

Hold onto your seats because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Let the games begin.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, to a brand new series of Total Wipeout.

Now, I have in the past, I admit, claimed certain elements

of this show were "new" when, in actual fact, they had just been given

a lick of paint, or covered in a new shade of red foam.

But today, I can honestly say that the course is totally mostly new.

And so it gives me great pleasure to declare the new Total Wipeout course...

These are real and everything. ..open!

Here's how it looks.

The Qualifier, like a giant game of Mousetrap, but with humans.

The all-new Double-Cross, a crissy-crossy spinny poley thing.

Then there's the equally new Terror-Go-Round. It's terrible and goes round.

Finally, it's the slightly less new Wipeout Zone. Smells a bit.

On with this series' inaugural contestant,

who is at the top of the course with my co-host, the brand-new Amanda Byram.

She might look the same to you, but I can tell the difference.

Joining me now at the top of the qualifier, Antrim's own Annalane.

This is the lull before the storm. What have you been doing to calm yourself?

I do meditation, I actually got up too early this morning

and did a meditation at five o'clock.

Was that you I could hear from my apartment? Um-nim-mom.

Annalane is getting in the zone with an interesting meditating technique.

It may have taken me three attempts to pass my maths GCSE,

but I'm going to pass this course in flying colours!

Good for you. And good to see the klaxon operator still has a sense of humour.

Either that, or he's meditating too.

Time for a quick peek at the first new obstacle.

The Unfair Stairs. Annalane will face them any second now.

-Any second.

-KLAXON WAILS

She's off.

The Unfair Stairs don't look at all that unfair to me, but here we go.

Oh, yeah. They do now. No-one told me they moved.

No-one told Annalane either.

Time to take a look at the next amazing and new obstacle.

This is the Time Tunnel. Make it through all four spinning hoops

and you will be transported back in time to the age of the dinosaurs.

At least, that's the theory.

So will Annalane be Wipeout's first time traveller?

Timing is something of a prerequisite here... Oh!

And that didn't go well.

Because Annalane failed to make it past the first time portal,

she won't be travelling back in time and she'll need to try again.

I think these are going to be fun.

Through the first. Ooh! Slight slip.

She's back up.

This is actually going well... Oh!

Oh, dear! That's bad karma all round.

Next, it's the Sucker Punch and, new for this series,

added squirty wirties, making this the Squirty Wirty Sucker Punch.

Here we go. How will Annalane fare?

Oh! She'll fall off. It's a bit like the old Sucker Punch really.

Now for the biggest stars of the show.

It's the Big Red Balls which, sadly for Annalane, are still here.

Along with this.

It's the brand-new Motivator, hang about and this will happen.

My advice, don't dawdle.

And Annalane doesn't.

Oh!

Yeah, they are a lot harder. I mean, a lot harder. That actually hurt.

Has somebody filled them with rubble?

Annalane only has one obstacle left and this one is all-new.

A large rotating wheel with cut-out shapes. It's the Shape Shifter.

All she has to do is jump onto the swinging block,

then dive through any of the available cut-outs, like that.

Or that. Or that.

Just don't do that.

Will Annalane find the inner peace she craves?

Yeah, here we go. Onto the block.

May the luck of the Irish be with you, woman.

-She's going for the square window.

-Oh, yes! Hang on tight!

-Hang on until it gets... Oh!

-This isn't going to end well.

She's still in there. She could be cut in half or something.

-Oh, my goodness! Prepare yourself. Get ready.

-Here we go.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

No.

Maybe, just maybe, the Shape Shifter is a bit harder than I made out

at the beginning there.

Only the fastest 12 qualify for the next round.

And Annalane Mean Machine makes the finish in a respectable

4:13, but only time will tell if that will be enough.

Next to tackle the qualifier is man mountain Bernard.

He dodges danger on a daily basis,

working with high-voltage electricity on the railways.

And that's how to conquer the Unfair Stairs.

But can he conquer the time tunnel?

Jumps for it.

Oh! He's down.

He's stuck. Oh, dear! This isn't... This has gone wrong.

Oh, no. He is... Terribly, terribly wrong.

They don't slow down, do they?

It's great to be back!

Incredibly, this guy works in railway safety,

on his own, at night, and look at him.

Since Bernard didn't make it past the first portal,

and he really didn't, it's take two. Here we go.

Mind your head. Those things do move at quite a speed.

Here we go... Oh, Bernard, going for the double...

For a moment, I thought his leg had actually come off.

Maybe he can blame this on signal failure,

or the wrong sort of leaves on the beam.

Do you think you're going to beat the Sucker Punch?

Well, I have what is known as the kung-fu grip

and I'm pretty sure my mum hits harder than them.

Considering the size of Bernard, his mum must be quite a woman.

She must be massive!

Oh, squirty wirty! Followed by a Sucker Punch.

That is textbook stuff.

Let's have another look at that.

Squirty wirty catches him off guard, followed by the Sucker Punch.

A simple, but effective demonstration of the squirty-wirty

Sucker Punch. Yeah, it works.

This is 19-year-old Heather, from Preston.

She's a creative writing student...

-and quite a mover.

-# ..I can boogie... #

Heather, how do you know today is going to be a good day for you?

Because it's good, for a start, because I'm in Argentina

and that's just amazing.

And I predict even more amazing things are about to happen.

A lovely step through, almost elegant. Oh, that wasn't.

I thought this was going to be easy.

Turns out, time travel is really quite tricky. Who knew?

That's a shame, that is.

Nice technique though.

Super nose pinch as she hits the water.

The Sucker Punch now and Heather is too short for the squirty.

Sadly, not the fists.

If you look closely, you will see another nose pinch there.

Heather really doesn't like things up her hooter.

When I'm really tired and get a punch in the face,

I'll pretend it's like aliens chasing me, to keep me going.

I've done it before on my bike.

It's like, "Oh! Aliens chasing me! Keep pedalling!"

We've all done that, but it's not aliens you've got to worry about,

it's the Motivator, but don't worry, it's missed.

We're on the second... No, we're in the water.

Hope that was a nose pinch there.

Yes! Hooter-Holding Heather held her nose on every fall.

It's a shame this lady didn't.

This is Jan and she really should have held her nose.

Jan is a nurse from North Wales,

and normally, she's really happy.

See? Lovely colours.

Now, she may be wet,

but her spirit's undampened as she takes on the... Oh, yeah.

Fell off. Well, that happens.

Sadly, it's the Big Balls next,

for a now less-than-happy-looking Jan.

Here we go. Good height.

But bad fall. Yeah. Bad.

Is she still happy now?

No, she's not happy. She needs to catch her breath.

SHE BELCHES

Oh. I'm getting pickled onion, don't know about you.

Maybe egg, is that?

Happy Jan is on to the final obstacle

and in a pretty decent time too.

Oh, safely onto the block. Now comes the hard bit...

Oh! That was horrible.

Jan should try Heather's nose-pinching technique.

Difficult to execute when you're about to do what she did.

Yeah, you see, you can't... It's tricky.

Despite taking that mighty wallop on the Shape Shifter,

happy Jan completes the course in 4:28.

Well done, Jan.

-Thank you.

-No, thank you!

Excuse me, by the way. I did do a burp when I was under there.

I'm glad to see you're still smiling, you're still laughing, still positive.

That's right. Happy Jan. It's important to always see the funny side.

You can stop seeing it now.

Now, some pernicious little oiks

have claimed that Total Wipeout is lowbrow in nature.

Being a man of class and stature,

I strongly refute such baseless accusations.

Would a lowbrow televisual programme contain Mozart?

X-FILES THEME MUSIC

Mozart. Would a lowbrow show feature great works of art?

And would the next contestant on said lowbrow broadcast be a professor?

And I do mean a proper one,

not in some Noddy subject at a made-up university.

Here, at last, is someone to whom I can really relate.

# Oh, give me a home where the Buffalo roam

# And the deer and the antelope play. #

Professor Lars, can you tell me how colossally massive is your brain?

Is it L, XL or XXL?

They tell me it's XXL but, you know, the more I learn,

the less I feel that I know.

This clever professor lives in London and is the first

contestant to tackle the qualifier in a tie-your-own bowtie.

Yeah, told you he was clever.

Oh, that bit wasn't so clever. No.

How are you going to approach this?

Is it going to be scientific?

Absolutely. I'm going to use science to set a new course record.

In quantum mechanics, you can never be sure where something is and how fast it's going.

So I've calculated that I can finish the course before I start it.

Professor Lars is about two-and-a-half minutes

behind completing the qualifier

before he'd started. And on to the giant protons of... Yeah, he's gone.

-I love your voice.

-Thank you very much.

-You're welcome!

-All right, let's go!

-Come on, Professor Lars.

Yeah, let's go, Lars!

Nothing is over until the clever professor says.

OK, it's over. Definitely.

Who's next? Ah, 27-year-old model and make-up artist Emma, from Derby.

# ..Nobody else but you... #

What lengths would you go to to make sure that you win here today?

A little brute force, maybe a bit of violence...

DEEP DEMONIC VOICE

Oh, Lordy! Emma is prone to the occasional temper tantrum.

Woe betide anything that stands in her way.

Time Tunnel, you may have met your match.

She's through. She's in it.

-She's... Oh!

-Yeah, that's really brutish and violent(!)

Yeah, she's fighting the portals with her bottom and...

You don't want to make this girl angry!

You won't like her when she's angry. Any minute now,

irate Emma going to explode.

I've got a bit of fire in my belly.

Yeah, that's probably just the Argentinian cuisine.

Onto the Sucker Punch now. This will get it, you watch. Come on, Emma.

Show the sucker punch who's boss. Here we go.

Ow! Oh!

Irate Emma taking a big blow there to the dicky tummy.

That's really going to make her cross, isn't it?

Making a meal of the mud,

which will, of course, only serve

to worsen that stomach complaint, I imagine.

DEMONIC VOICE: I was born with pure determination.

-Come on, Emma.

-What's wrong with your legs?

Time to see that determination. Channel that anger.

I want to see fireworks. You can do it!

OK.

She's up. Stand back, everyone. She's about to blow.

Oh! Less of a bang,

more of a splosh for irate Emma.

I'm beginning to wonder if this whole irate thing was made up.

Let's go to the leaderboard.

Professor Lars takes the top spot with Crash And Bernard

and Annalane Mean Machine in second and third.

Happy Jan pushes Hooter- Holding Heather into fifth,

whilst irate Emma will not be happy to find herself in sixth.

14 contestants to go.

Currently languishing on the Unfair Stairs is Becky,

a 22-year-old nurse from Cornwall.

She's having a bit of a fight with these, but she is holding on.

Here we go. Oh, good swing.

Onto the Time Tunnel. No-one's beaten this so far today.

Can she be the first?

Oh! Oh!

Oh. Becky hasn't come to Argentina alone.

She's brought her little brother, Tom.

Needless to say, the two of them are fairly competitive.

HE SCREAMS

So, here comes Tom, onto the stairs. He's grabbed the rope low.

But a great recovery.

Now, can he do better than Becky on the Time Tunnel? Here we go. Ooh.

Oh, well, he's remaining upright. He's through the first one.

He didn't go through the second one.

The time travel might not work. Oh, he's fallen off anyway.

It's difficult. Becky to the Sucker Punch now.

Ow! Ooh, she's hanging on.

Gets squirted.

Takes one in the knee.

Oh, she's a goner. Tiny Tom's on the Big Balls. Here we go... Great jump.

Oh, that could have been very good. But it sort of wasn't.

Big Becky's turn now. Here we go.

Yes! Yes! Ooh!

Oh, she's on the second.

Can she make the third?

Come on, Becky.

Yes, that's it. She's going to do it.

This is looking good.

A little stumble. She almost fell.

Gathering herself. Come on, Becky.

-She's on the fourth.

-Hold tight!

If she makes this jump,

little brother Tom is not going to hear the end of it, ever.

Will we have our first ball-crosser of the series?

Yes!

Big Becky has showed her little brother Tiny Tom just how it's done.

Just the Shape Shifter to go. Can she finish in style?

# ..Standin' on their own two feet

# And ringin' on their own bells... #

-Oh, my God!

-No, no.

This race of the siblings is over.

Time for Amanda to tell them who was quickest.

-I got the balls!

-Come on!

-Did you do the balls?

-Oh, yes!

I'm going to tell you... the sibling that was fastest...

-was Tom.

-Yes!

-Even with the balls?

He didn't do the bigger ball! Yay!

Who's this?

I think it's a lady. No, no idea.

Oh! Whoever it is, she might be

about to get across the balls.

What a start to the new series that would...have been.

That's a shame.

Ah! It's Cheryl. She's 44, but - wow - looking good!

Erm, yes, from every angle.

Cheryl is like Madonna, forever young.

I bet she can still get out of a chair without making a noise.

Onto the Shape Shifter.

I reckon it's possible,

but only if you're prepared to lose a leg or a head.

Less Madonna, more Magonna.

Next, it's Jade.

It says here she's a swimming pool duty manager,

but I reckon she's a fashion designer.

Flappy orange socks definitely IN this year,

even just one of them. Very fashionable.

-Now, what can she do with the time tunnel?

-Ooh!

-Ah!

-Ooh!

Mm!

-Ooh!

-Ah!

-Oh!

-Yeah.

-Oh!

What is it, some sort of merry-go-Jade?

Looks like Amanda's enjoying it.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-Maybe.

-No, no, no.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-Yeah!

I don't want this to end, it's strangely hypnotic.

Oh, it's ended. I was enjoying that,

could have watched hours of it.

Jade and her floppy orange sock taking a moment to show us

what's hot for this summer.

Squirty-wirty Sucker Punch next.

As an ex-rugby player, Jade shouldn't have a problem with this.

She's used to the heavy hits and the mud.

Oh, perhaps not that heavy... or muddy.

This is salsa-dancing Gary.

My hips can go that way, and that way,

and do a bit of that as well.

So, Mr Snake Hips, I hear you are Swansea's answer to Patrick Swayze.

You could say that, yes.

Wow, it's just like the original!

Not that I've got it on Blu-ray, or DVD, or VHS.

I've never seen it. The original of what? I don't know.

Gary cha-cha-chas the Unfair Stairs. Here we go.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Gary does yoga to improve his flexibility,

but that will have done nothing to improve anything.

He fell down the stairs.

Onto the Sucker Punch now.

Gary teaches Zumba, which is dancing with lots of thrusting.

Thrust in, thrust out, brilliant.

Look at Gary go!

OK, it's Big Ball time.

Here we go.

One, two, this is good.

Yes, no, less good at the end there.

Gary wows the ladies of Swansea with his hypnotic dance moves.

-PARP!

-Yes, perhaps that one, less so.

Gary has dropped his watermelons and now it's his time to shine.

# ..And I owe it all to you

-# I've had... #

-Yep, here we go.

Oh! I think his nose took the full brunt of that.

Who's this chirpy chap?

I'm going to assault this course!

Right-o, this is General Jon.

He's not actually a general, or a soldier, but you get the idea.

And Jon assaults the first Time Portal. He's through!

Ooh!

Oh, he gets assaulted by the second one. This is tricky, isn't it?

What are you going to do with that belly out on that course today?

I'm going to fight the big red balls with it.

I'm going to use it to get across them.

You know, bounce on bounce kind of thing.

Here it is, the greatest battle of Jon's life. Bounce versus bounce.

Who will win?

Oh! Bounce did.

Definitely a lot of bounce just generally going on.

What a battle!

Sterling stuff!

So, that was General Jon falling off things,

but remember, he was only following orders.

Now, as I've already intimated tonight,

Total Wipeout is not all about muscle and brute strength. Oh, no.

There's also a place here for the thinking man.

We are, after all, a show for the intelligentsia

so here are the people who really use their true mental agility

to cross this course.

What do you mean, do it again?

..Yeah, I know. I saw it. I liked it!

The badger wasn't happy? Well...

First, there's Akile, a government

policy adviser. She's The Fixer.

Dan, IT guy, he's the Tech Wizard.

And then there's Pritam, from Accounts,

he deals with receipts.

And if they work together, then maybe, just maybe,

they can crack this course.

I'm scared!

Can I go home, please?

Having planned it out thoroughly,

this is how you do the Unfair Stairs.

-Oh!

-Oh! Uh-oh!

Akile's smart, she'll have thought this one through.

Oh! Good thinking, questionable execution.

OK, I think Dan has got it.

Ah, well, if he had it, he's lost it and got it wet.

Bonus points for hitting every step on the way down with his face.

Just a shame this show isn't about points...or dignity.

Akile ploughs past the first portal, and then gets carried away.

Literally.

Pritam tries to hug the portal into submission.

Dan the IT guy decides to do some sort of skipping.

New technique for a new obstacle. This could work.

Ah!

Nah, it didn't.

Akile approaches the Sucker Punch now. What's her policy?

Oh, old school. Nice.

Pritam, from Accounts, approaches the Punch

with a Clooney-esque swagger

about him. Look at that.

Confident.

Oh! Yeah.

Digital Dan, the IT guy, on the Big Balls.

Oh, and he's crashed. Everything's gone down. We've lost the mainframe.

Akile now on a ladder.

Now off it. It's all part of the plan, they've thought this through.

And Pritam...

Digital Dan has a go on the Shape Shifter.

Oh, crashed again.

Another reboot.

So Digital Dan finishes in 3:50.

Akile does it in 4:48.

And Pritam...

Let's go to the leaderboard.

So, Tiny Tom takes the top spot, with Gary Swayze in second.

Magonna Cheryl is fourth.

Big Sis Becky's in seventh.

And holding on at the bottom, in joint 12th,

is Akile the Fixer and Irate Emma.

Golden Boots, wrist things, is it Flash Gordon?

No, it's Jamaican chef Tash.

Tash Gordon and the Time Tunnel, that kind of works.

Maybe she's the first one to... No, no, no. All tangled up.

Tash Gordon and the water of incurable illness, I suspect.

I hope she kept her mouth closed when she landed.

Can Tash Gordon defeat

Sucker Punch, the Merciless?

Actually looking good here.

Maybe.

Oh... It's great to be back!

Let's just see that again in replay.

Yeah, that punch actually made her leak some blue stuff.

Might need to see a doctor about that.

This is Adam.

He's a drama student and a member of the Circus Society.

He's funny though!

Yep, oh, that's absolutely classic stuff.

Yes, I think Adam could have a promising career as a clown,

but is he any good at drama?

Let's find out on the greatest stage of them all, the Big Balls.

Act one, two, and three.

The end.

Still, at least he didn't need any motivation from the Motivator.

As an amateur actor, Adam should know all about timing.

Can he use this knowledge to beat the Shape Shifter?

Oh! No.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Adam finishes with a buttock-clenching combination

of both circus and drama.

Crikey, who's this guy?

Looks like HE should be in the circus.

Oh, it says here he is.

He's a professional circus performer, and very good.

Paul, can I assume that you go to work in ginormous checked trousers

and wear a flower on your lapel that squirts water in people's faces?

No, clowns freak me out a bit, to be honest.

Clowns freak YOU out?

OK, moving on.

Here we go. Oh, it's a great swing.

This is looking impressive. Time to jump through some hoops.

Professional Paul should be great at this.

Oh! It's a shame this is so tricky.

I wanted to see some time travel, but it's impossible.

Never mind. It's Big Ball time. Come on, Paul. You're good at juggling.

Juggle these. Yeah!

I thought he was a circus performer!

-The circus has left town.

-Obviously.

Last obstacle. Come on, Paul.

Let's see what you've got.

He fell off a ladder. Some classic slapstick.

He doesn't have time for this right now though.

It was very funny and well executed, but get a move on!

The Shape Shifter.

Will Professional Paul end with a bang or fizzle out with a whimper?

Oh, it was a bang. Textbook stuff.

Like a great performer, he leaves his best trick till last.

What a clown!

Paul the Professional hangs up

his clown shoes with a time of 2:43.

As all scientists know,

the universe is made up of basic forces of the sub-molecular level.

They are gravitational force, electromagnetic force,

magic,

good, and evil.

Of course, the most powerful of these forces are good and evil,

and for every good thing, there is an evil thing.

I, for example, am good.

Anchovies are evil.

So, let's find out which force is better, on the Qualifier.

Good or evil.

On the side of evil, she's a scientist

so she's probably an evil scientist.

-It's Dr Evil Amanda.

-I'm like a chemical reaction, ready to explode!

Yeah, and she's talking about exploding.

Ooh.

Wow, that's evil.

That is evil.

And fighting the good fight is Ewan McGregor look-alike Chris.

If you strike me down,

I shall be more powerful than you can possibly imagine!

He's a Star Wars obsessive.

MAYPOLE DANCING MUSIC

Yeah, that's from Star Wars, apparently.

I think it is.

You can stop now.

Here comes Obi Chris Kenobi,

on the side of all things good.

That wasn't very good. Erring on the dark side.

Dr Evil Amanda's turn. Surely she can do better than that!

Well, it was certainly a better fall.

She sort of did the splits upside down,

which is probably very difficult.

Back to Chris, as he makes his way onto the Time Tunnel.

May the force be with you.

So far today, no-one has beaten these.

Can Chris be the first? Let's see how it's done.

He is struggling.

Oh, he's dancing with it.

Just run, man. It can't be that difficult!

This is better. Yes! He's through three now.

He's down. He's up again!

-That's it, Chris.

-I love the... Oh.

Chris sensed victory, but all he got was a shove in the back

and a whack on the head.

It's thorough, isn't it?

Dr Evil Amanda's turn on the Time Tunnel.

Good start.

Oh! Oh! She does the splits again.

She's up. What's her time?

Picking her moment, goes for it. Yes!

No, no, very no.

So good and evil are drawing at the moment.

It's back to Chris and the forces of good. What should he do here?

Perhaps he should close his eyes

and try to feel the force!

Oh, well, he felt that.

He did close his eyes, and he did feel A force.

Dr Evil Amanda not far behind and this is looking good.

Green and slimy, but good. Looking confident. Will evil triumph?

Ah. A bit.

A rather tired, but still faintly heroic-looking Chris

approaches the four giant red moons of Endor.

One moon, two moon,

and then too much gravity kicks in, ends in the water.

-What about Dr Evil Amanda?

-Do it well, Amanda. Come on!

Mind the Motivator, it's ready.

Is the Motivator actually switched on?

Oh, we have a live one!

-Onto ball three.

-That's it, that's a girl.

Oh, crikey.

Ball four. Can this actually...?

Two in the first show?

Is this possible?

A bit of a wobble.

Yes, she's across!

Evil definitely pulled the pants over the head of good there.

Now, can she achieve Total Wipeout domination

with success on the Shape Shifter?

First one to do it. Come on.

Oh, you missed that completely.

Yeah, just...

well, hopeless.

Will good succeed where evil failed? Generally does.

I'm feeling confident.

No.

I knew that was going to happen.

Dr Evil Amanda qualifies with a time of 2:48. Very exciting.

I hope she didn't...

Oh, she did. She did.

And with that time, Obi Chris Kenobi scrapes into the top 12.

-What is that?!

-I don't know. A Star Wars thing?

I've never seen a Jedi do that.

Wow, X-Wing fighters. Time for the final leaderboard.

So, Tiny Tom still leading in first place,

with Gary Swayze and Professional Paul in second and third.

General Jon, Dr Evil Amanda and Magonna Cheryl

are in fourth, fifth and sixth.

Followed by Amateur Adam, Professor Lars, and Tash Gordon.

Finally, Digital Dan finishes tenth,

and sharing eleventh is Obi Chris Kenobi and Big Sis Becky.

These are the 12 that go through to the next round.

What a qualifier!

Two ball crossings, a professor, two circus performers,

a brother and sister combo, and a badger with a courgette.

And the good news is, there are three rounds still to come.

Things are just warming up. Time to say goodbye to the losers.

No point dressing it up, they're losers. Goodbye.

# Goodbye

# Since you gotta go

# Oh, you'd better go now

# Go now, go now

# Go now

# Before you see me cry... #

Back in the good old days, there was The Sweeper - it swept.

Then there was Crash Mountain - it crashed.

But now it's time to make history once again

because a new obstacle has arrived.

Hang on, I need a megaphone for this.

Thank you... For the first time ever on UK television...

Is this making me sound silly? No? All right.

..ladies and gentlemen, I give you Double Cross!

Dramatic.

Here's how it works -

a giant rotating cross moves in one direction.

A giant rotating sweeper moves in the other.

To get to the finish podium,

contestants must leap on to a green gangway

and exit via the red gangway, without doing this.

It's fast, it's ferocious, and it's flippin' difficult.

The first six across qualify for the next round.

Let's meet the double crossers. Fastest in the qualifier, Tiny Tom.

Becky, if you need a hand, just give me a shout.

Second quickest, Gary Swayze.

In third place is Professional Paul.

In fourth, General Jon.

It's not hard to fly like an eagle when the rest of the contestants are frozen chickens!

Then there's Dr Evil Amanda.

I'm the mighty atom - small, but full of energy!

Yeah, not for long.

Bound to happen.

She's followed by Magonna Cheryl.

Amateur Adam.

And Professor Lars.

-Don't you mess-er with the professor!

-OK!

Ninth quickest to qualify is Tash Gordon.

Winners make it happen, losers let it happen!

Finally, it's Digital Dan.

Big sis Becky.

Little bro, that was first-time lucky. This time, watch me go!

Last, but not least, Obi Chris Kenobe.

The force is strong in this one!

PARP!

Yeah, a little too much force there.

I can't think of a single reason not to love Double Cross.

Except, of course, if I was one of the 12 contestants taking part.

-Are you all ready?

-YES!

Fools, they know not what they say.

Three, two, one...!

Early start from Lars,

who's straight off. I mean, really very off.

Professional Paul makes a dash. A great leap, he's in the centre.

Here comes Gary Swayze.

Oh, no, there he goes.

Bottom over elbow.

Here's Paul, he's done it!

That was amazingly quick!

Trust Coco to get across first!

Who's next? Digital Dan.

Oh, face smash!

Amateur Adam now. He whimps out, he jumped.

Gary and his horrible shorts make it to the middle.

He's got to wait now for that red gangway before he can get off.

That's the thing. Ooh, Magonna Cheryl's joined him.

Red gangway coming round, here's Gary's chance. No!

One step, no step, cha-cha-cha, splash.

What is Cheryl doing? Is this a new form of Irish dancing?

Ah, just like Madonna in her Irish dancing phase.

Oh, Tiny Tom makes a bid for the middle.

He's done it, so he's halfway there, he just has to get off.

General Jon's made it, too. It's getting congested.

Getting into the middle seems to be easy,

it's the other side they're aiming for using that red gangway.

Bodies flying everywhere.

It's like a Double Cross party.

I'm not sure Adam's invited. He's struggling to stay on. Cheryl!

Oh, she tried a valiant leap, but ended up a Magonner.

That centre isn't big enough for the seven of them, it just isn't.

Becky tries, fails. Maybe her brother can show her how it's done.

He's on the red one, that's different.

But he's on the right gangway still. Oh, yes!

No! I had an inkling something like that might happen.

Come on, guys!

Someone really needs to take command.

-Is this an obstacle course, or a discussion show?

-Go people, go!

Magonna Cheryl again. No, no!

Dan needs a hand... Too late.

It really is dog discusses dog up there.

Oh, General Jon starts leading the operation.

It appears Tash is second in command.

Jon's turn.

Oh! Terrible timing.

Look, he salutes as he goes down - what an inspiration!

Tash Gordon watching everyone else fall in from her comfy seat.

It's so scary.

Cheryl's back again.

Chris tries to move them off with Jedi mind powers.

He goes for it and messes it up.

The force of gravity is strong with this one.

Tiny Tom's back, leaps the sweeper again. This could be...

Oh, so close.

-Do what Tom is doing.

-What? He fell off!

Cheryl doing what Tom is doing, but doesn't fall.

Thank the Lord!

Time for a curtain raiser. Very good.

Two are through to the next round. But we do need six.

I'm sure they normally do that with slightly bigger skirts, don't they?

I think she's happy.

Four places left in the next round.

Come on, you've got to get off that centre.

What a surprise, Tash dishing out orders again.

Tiny Tom's had enough, he's off. I mean, really off,

he hits the water again.

Go, Tash, now!

Tash finally goes. Oh, what an anti-climax!

I'll say it again, the centre is not big enough for the eight of them.

But Becky's through! All of a sudden, it happened so quickly.

-Tom's not happy.

-Come on, guys, you can't let a girl beat you!

The pressure's on now, only three places left.

Oh, Digital Dan...face plant!

Another go for General Jon and he's done it in style.

Well, he's done it.

Two places left now - will they go to Obi Chris Kenobe,

Dr Evil Amanda, Gary Swayze, Digital Dan,

Amateur Adam, Professor Lars,

Tash Gordon or Tiny Tom?

Well, Tiny Tom is trying his jumping technique again.

Millionth time lucky.

Here's Tash. Oh, now, that was not lucky.

I should imagine he hates Tash more than his big sister right now.

Tom almost made it but with just one step to go,

Tash Gordon, well, say no more.

Adam off like a bullet, finishes like a winner.

One more place.

Will Tiny Tom get back to the middle in time?

Oh, hang on, here's Gary Swayze, and he takes it. The final place is his.

We have the final six. Tom is absolutely gutted.

That took a long time, I thought they'd never leave the middle.

In fact, they spent so long on there, I had enough time to go out

and buy this pretend walking-stick and this fake beard.

-I look like ZZ Top.

-ZZ who?

-Who? Who?

That was an epic battle, though,

so let's remind ourselves of the poor souls who fell at the last hurdle.

I think the foundations of science have been shaken to their knees.

If Yoda was here now, I think he'd banish me from the Jedi temple

and say something like, "Banished from the temple, you are."

I tried so many times and just missed out.

I'm really devastated.

Gutted. I'm still shaking.

It's chaos.

Everybody screaming, you don't know whether to go left or right.

Unfortunately, I need to tweak my equations.

When I'm walking down my local High Street,

wearing my "I'm Richard Hammond, please ask me anything" sandwich board...

I do do that, it's kind of a social networking thing.

..people often ask me,

"Why isn't there an obstacle on Total Wipeout that makes us scared?"

I generally reply, "I'm sorry, I simply do not know."

But today, you are in luck,

because this next obstacle will give you the heebie-jeebies,

which I always thought you got from drinking puddles,

but apparently, it's not.

Prepare to be scared because you're about to witness Terror Go Round.

The contestants must stay on the carousel

whilst being pelted by two Argentinian fellas,

the Terror Twins. Then come the fingers of fate.

Fail to hurdle these and they'll be knocked off the carousel

and out of the game.

There are three chances in three hair-raising heats, but each time,

only the last one standing will qualify for the Wipeout Zone.

You want drama? We've got drama.

You want fear? We'll give you fear.

You want to see a contestant slapped in the kisser with a big wet towel?

Please, allow me.

It's Terror Go Round.

-Are you all ready? ALL:

-YES!

Oh, dear. Three, two, one...!

They've got no idea what they're in for.

Neither do I, it's all new.

The six terrors to go round are...

the Welsh Patrick Swayze - Gary Swayze,

a ray of light - Magonna Cheryl...

I'm going to assault this course!

..the ever-vocal General Jon,

Amateur Adam providing some drama,

Big Sis Becky - you go, sister! And Professional Paul.

Will we be laughing at him, or with him?

Time to unleash hell, well, inflatable hell.

This week, it's a lifeguard-themed hell, so expect inflatables

and possibly the odd flip-flop. Oh, and towels as well.

A wet towel slapped in the kisser!

So remember, the idea is to stay on your feet longer than everyone else.

Here come the fingers of fate. Oh, fickle but fun!

Oh, no!

Gary Swayze gets lifted clean off his feet by the very first finger.

Good strong arms, though.

And he's off. One down, five still standing.

Make that three still standing. Double disqualification.

Adam's over.

Becky's into the pool and out of this round.

Just Adam and Cheryl remain.

Cheryl is down, back to her feet.

Great recovery. Those inflatables really not helping now.

Come on, girl!

Oh, Adam's down, and so is Cheryl.

Magonna Cheryl is well and truly a goner!

The Terror Go Round has given Cheryl the finger in spectacular fashion.

And with moves like that, Madge herself would be proud.

Yes, Amateur Adam is through to the Wipeout Zone.

That's one spot in the Wipeout Zone taken, but we need two more.

By a freak coincidence, there are two more heats of Terror Go Round.

How lucky is that?

Hang on, that's not a coincidence, that's been done on purpose.

Round two and the carousel starts carouselling.

The terror twins don't waste any time either.

Cheryl's out in front, keen to meet those fingers of fate head on.

In fact, all five of them looking comfortable.

Less so now with a wet towel on the head.

HOOTER WAILS

Oh, that sound isn't good.

Here come the fingers!

Oh, someone's down. And someone's hanging on.

No, they're down, too.

Becky went down and Gary clung to the finger.

It's no Wipeout Zone for them, not yet anyway.

Second finger sweep and Paul's in trouble.

He cannot pass through the punch bags, or he's out of the game.

No, Paul's gone.

Magonna Cheryl and General Jon just about jumped it,

but it was too much for Paul.

So, which of these two is going through to the Wipeout Zone?

A bit of towel trouble for Jon. Over again.

A little stumble, but he's back to his feet.

Cheryl opting for the outer edge of the carousel.

Oh, Jon's fallen.

General disaster, but not for Magonna Cheryl,

she's Ma-gonna join Adam in the Wipeout Zone.

The Terror Go Round is pretty scary,

but I know what would make it even scarier.

This.

-IN DEEP VOICE:

-On with round three! Hee-hee-hee... Oh.

I just...

This evil giggle thing, I can't do it... Ha-ha-ha!

Ha!

Boo!

This is the last-chance saloon for Jon, Gary, Becky and Paul.

What was that?!

It's like a dinosaur with a duck's head - that's just freaky.

Here comes a whale.

Gary kicks a whale.

I shouldn't be watching the inflatables, that's not the game!

Any minute now, the fingers will start moving and the fun will start.

Here they go! Paul steps over with ease.

But the General's down.

Poor positioning from Jon, the bar gets very high there.

He's out of Total Wipeout.

And then there were three.

Becky takes a stumble, great recovery.

Oh!

Ring on the head for Gary, but that's the least of his worries.

That's good, Becky!

This could be anyone's. Position is key here.

-Oh, Becky's in trouble!

-Oh!

It looks like she just caught her leg on the finger

and it lifted her up and out of the competition.

So it's down to these two, Gary and Paul.

Gary takes a towel on the head.

Oh, a little stumble, but very little to choose between them.

Oh, this is a two-horse race.

Misses nothing, that girl. Both fighting for a place in the Wipeout Zone.

Constantly running and jumping, these two have got to be tiring now.

All it takes is one slip and that £10,000 prize sinks into the water.

Still both in it.

Oh, Paul's down!

Oh, and as quickly as that, it's all over for Paul.

Gary Swayze - exhausted, but happy.

The Wipeout Zone trio is complete.

But sadly, it's goodbye to these three.

General Jon soldiered his way through,

but lost his command on the Terror Go Round.

Professional Paul, a strong

contender right from the start,

but finally dropped the ball.

And Big Sis Becky beat her brother

to Terror Go Round, but joins him now

on the losers' bench.

It's all very moving, we will miss them.

I say "we" - I'm not that fussed, really.

I'll miss them in the sense that I'll be aware they're no longer there,

but some of them get a bit clingy.

Anyway, here are the Wipeout Zone finalists.

I'm a fitness instructor, pole dance teacher

and a jack of all trades, master of none.

I think the other two think I'm a drama queen.

Drama is my life and I love it.

I just love dancing, to be honest.

It's what I do, I dance.

I'm doing Total Wipeout for my Zumba girls back in South Wales.

My two children at home - I'm doing this for you guys, I really am.

I am the oldest. A lot of people wrote me off at the start.

He has just surprised everybody.

What is age anyway?

-Cheryl is an absolute legend.

-She's fit, flexible.

I think Cheryl's my biggest contender.

I've got Adam, he's a bit of a girl.

In the qualifier, I was absolutely petrified.

I fell off absolutely everything.

He was a dark horse from the start.

I am scared of heights and I am scared of water.

There's no strength in those arms - nothing there.

I don't exercise at all.

Winning this would be such an achievement for me.

This is going to be one of those surreal achievements

where you just think, did that really happen?

I can win this tonight.

If I'm honest, I don't think I stand a chance,

but I've fluked it this far, why can't I fluke it further?

I don't want to be the last man standing,

I want to be the last man dancing.

I might love my fellow finalists, but I still want to smash 'em!

Actually, I'm going to!

It's back with a vengeance.

The Wipeout Zone begins with a slide and splash.

Then it's the rapid climb, seriously slippy,

followed by the see-saw of truth, seriously tippy.

Onto the crazy sweeper, seriously injury.

Then there's the turntables with the all-new pillars of no return.

Once through, there's no going back.

Seriously, are we allowed to do this to people?

It all ends at the push of a button and the stop of a clock.

Winner takes home a worthy £10,000 and a worthless trophy.

It's a warm evening, the flames are roaring behind me

and the competition - that's absolutely sizzling.

It's the Wipeout Zone and Gary is the first to brave it.

Dance teacher Gary is the first

to take on the challenge of the Wipeout Zone this series.

Let's dance!

No can do, Gary, I dance alone.

Gary's off. Hits the water... and gulping for air.

Better keep that mouth closed, as he approaches

the torrents of the rapid climb.

Once on his feet, there's just ten seconds

before the tidal wave will attempt to wash him away.

See him cha-cha-cha all the way up this ramp.

He's up and the clock starts.

That's the first cha, second cha,

and the third cha.

Pretty quick stepping and no tidal wave for Gary, good work.

Onto the see-saw of truth. A cautious start.

His dance training must surely be a bonus here.

But that was fairly slow.

Being very cautious.

Remember, Gary is setting the time to beat.

The crazy sweeper next.

-Oh, he ducks.

-Come on, Gary!

He has certainly not got speed on his side,

but slow and steady could still win this race.

Up again, just a few steps to go

and the sweeper is catching up behind him.

He's not going to make it.

Oh, he's made it!

OK, the final phase - turntables.

Gary is on to the first, no problems there.

Apart from maybe losing his sense of direction. No, he's out.

Oh, that could have done it for Gary!

Having been so cautious around the rest of the course,

maybe he just rushed that last jump.

It's the climbing that loses them time.

The final leap coming up.

Every ounce of strength gone

and Gary Swayze completes the course in 2:24.

Swansea's answer to Swayze. Nobody puts Gary in the corner!

Your time was a brilliant 2:24.

Not bad, not bad.

Gary, you know what this means, yours is the time to beat

and Cheryl's up next. Let's watch.

Playing the Pain Stage of the Total Wipeout Festival, it's Cheryl.

KLAXON WAILS

Remember, Cheryl has no idea how fast Gary was.

All she can do is get round this as fast as she can.

Strong swim.

She emerges onto the rapid climb

and a ten-second tidal wave countdown begins.

Ooh! Fitty McFit!

-Yes.

-Wow! >

Successfully avoided the tidal wave.

Really not far off Gary's time at this stage.

Cheryl taking this faster.

Oh, no!

Get up! Back on her feet.

Time now to face the crazy sweeper.

She picks her moment, off she goes.

Hurry, it's catching up.

Oh! That was too close for comfort!

For the good of my health and her time,

she can't let that happen again. Come on!

Come on! Oh, no!

No! Tragedy!

I'm sure Gary's pleased with that.

She didn't stand a chance.

Absolutely knocked off her feet by the sweeper.

She climbs onto the turntables.

Cheryl's neck and neck with Gary's time.

If she doesn't fall, she could well beat him.

First jump, safely on. The hard one is the next one.

Here we go. Oh, no! She slipped!

My God, my God, my God! >

I don't think she can pull herself up.

I don't know if I can bear to watch. She's done it.

Just two more leaps to go,

but look at those clocks - the times are almost identical.

Great jump.

Gary's time was 2:24. This could not be any closer.

And she's done it, 2:24.

A draw.

This calls for the hallowed Total Wipeout rulebook.

Right, if there is a draw on a Wipeout zone,

for split-second accuracy,

go to the bloke with the really clever digital stopwatch.

Apparently, they've found him. In which case, it's back to Amanda.

I cannot believe what has happened here. This is a Total Wipeout first.

The fastest by 44 one hundredths of a second...

..is Cheryl!

Hard luck, Gary.

CROWD CHEERS

Well done.

Oh, my goodness! You couldn't write it, Cheryl.

I'm just so gobsmacked. That's mad, isn't it?

Listen, it's not over yet, Adam's up next. Let's watch.

I know. Thank you.

Adam has no idea what happened with Gary and Cheryl.

All he's worried about is getting the best time he can.

KLAXON WAILS

Things just got serious for the drama student.

Swimming against the current now to the rapid climb.

He told me he does not like water.

A fear of open water is not on the list of things I'd look for

in a Wipeout Zone challenger, but Adam's up and onto the rapid climb.

Will he beat the tidal wave?

Looking good. Oh, yes, smooth run so far.

The seesaw of truth now.

Taking his time getting onto it,

but rushing into it rarely pays dividends.

Surely some of Adam's circus skills will be handy here.

Inches towards the tipping moment.

There it is, he's still on.

Oh! Oh, no, he's safe. Adam needs to pick up the pace now,

if he's going to beat 2:24.

He's off. It's a good run.

An early duck, but he's quickly back up and running again.

This is looking good.

But that sweeper arm is catching up fast.

He's beaten it, just!

If Adam can make these turntables,

I think he's in with a shot at that title.

It's a good first jump.

Whoa!

Careful not to get disorientated here. He's made it across!

Just one turntable to go, and his time is nearing two minutes.

Come on, Adam.

One final jump, can he do it?

Do not fall now.

Yes! The clock stops at 1:55.

And what a fantastic start to the new series that's been.

Come on out, little fella. How are you doing?

Fantastic.

God got me through that completely.

It is a competition and only one of you can win,

only one of you can pick up this trophy.

So take this trophy from me now,

the Total Wipeout champion tonight is Adam!

Hard luck, Cheryl.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So Adam Parker, the 21-year-old performing arts student

from Nottingham is today's Total Wipeout champion.

And it's not just the trophy he wins.

Adam also gets £10,000 in cool, hard cash.

They were all out of the warm, runny cash at the bank.

Join me and Amanda next time. Till then, it's...

goodbye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd