Episode 1 Total Wipeout


Episode 1

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Transcript


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'We interrupt this broadcast

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'with news of strange sightings from across the globe.

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'The nation has been told not to panic.

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'Ooh la la!

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'Yes, sir. That's a big ball.

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'We don't know what it is or where it's heading.

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'We've got a signal and it's definitely heading south.

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'Amazing scenes here in Argentina.

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'There appears to be balls descending on Earth.'

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MUSIC: Theme from "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind"

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DEEP BASSY LAST NOTE

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We're back!

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Tonight, on Total Wipeout, 20 audacious human beings - including a professor, a soldier

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and an accountant - have come to Argentina to face the hardest

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and most hilarious obstacle course known to man.

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All have the same intention, to leave in one piece

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and be £10,000 richer than the rest.

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Hold onto your seats because it's going to be a bumpy ride. Let the games begin.

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Welcome, welcome, welcome, to a brand new series of Total Wipeout.

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Now, I have in the past, I admit, claimed certain elements

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of this show were "new" when, in actual fact, they had just been given

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a lick of paint, or covered in a new shade of red foam.

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But today, I can honestly say that the course is totally mostly new.

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And so it gives me great pleasure to declare the new Total Wipeout course...

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These are real and everything. ..open!

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Here's how it looks.

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The Qualifier, like a giant game of Mousetrap, but with humans.

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The all-new Double-Cross, a crissy-crossy spinny poley thing.

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Then there's the equally new Terror-Go-Round. It's terrible and goes round.

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Finally, it's the slightly less new Wipeout Zone. Smells a bit.

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On with this series' inaugural contestant,

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who is at the top of the course with my co-host, the brand-new Amanda Byram.

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She might look the same to you, but I can tell the difference.

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Joining me now at the top of the qualifier, Antrim's own Annalane.

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This is the lull before the storm. What have you been doing to calm yourself?

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I do meditation, I actually got up too early this morning

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and did a meditation at five o'clock.

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Was that you I could hear from my apartment? Um-nim-mom.

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Annalane is getting in the zone with an interesting meditating technique.

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It may have taken me three attempts to pass my maths GCSE,

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but I'm going to pass this course in flying colours!

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Good for you. And good to see the klaxon operator still has a sense of humour.

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Either that, or he's meditating too.

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Time for a quick peek at the first new obstacle.

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The Unfair Stairs. Annalane will face them any second now.

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-Any second.

-KLAXON WAILS

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She's off.

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The Unfair Stairs don't look at all that unfair to me, but here we go.

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Oh, yeah. They do now. No-one told me they moved.

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No-one told Annalane either.

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Time to take a look at the next amazing and new obstacle.

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This is the Time Tunnel. Make it through all four spinning hoops

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and you will be transported back in time to the age of the dinosaurs.

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At least, that's the theory.

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So will Annalane be Wipeout's first time traveller?

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Timing is something of a prerequisite here... Oh!

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And that didn't go well.

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Because Annalane failed to make it past the first time portal,

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she won't be travelling back in time and she'll need to try again.

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I think these are going to be fun.

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Through the first. Ooh! Slight slip.

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She's back up.

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This is actually going well... Oh!

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Oh, dear! That's bad karma all round.

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Next, it's the Sucker Punch and, new for this series,

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added squirty wirties, making this the Squirty Wirty Sucker Punch.

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Here we go. How will Annalane fare?

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Oh! She'll fall off. It's a bit like the old Sucker Punch really.

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Now for the biggest stars of the show.

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It's the Big Red Balls which, sadly for Annalane, are still here.

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Along with this.

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It's the brand-new Motivator, hang about and this will happen.

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My advice, don't dawdle.

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And Annalane doesn't.

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Oh!

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Yeah, they are a lot harder. I mean, a lot harder. That actually hurt.

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Has somebody filled them with rubble?

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Annalane only has one obstacle left and this one is all-new.

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A large rotating wheel with cut-out shapes. It's the Shape Shifter.

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All she has to do is jump onto the swinging block,

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then dive through any of the available cut-outs, like that.

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Or that. Or that.

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Just don't do that.

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Will Annalane find the inner peace she craves?

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Yeah, here we go. Onto the block.

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May the luck of the Irish be with you, woman.

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-She's going for the square window.

-Oh, yes! Hang on tight!

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-Hang on until it gets... Oh!

-This isn't going to end well.

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She's still in there. She could be cut in half or something.

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-Oh, my goodness! Prepare yourself. Get ready.

-Here we go.

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Go! Go! Go! Go!

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No.

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Maybe, just maybe, the Shape Shifter is a bit harder than I made out

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at the beginning there.

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Only the fastest 12 qualify for the next round.

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And Annalane Mean Machine makes the finish in a respectable

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4:13, but only time will tell if that will be enough.

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Next to tackle the qualifier is man mountain Bernard.

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He dodges danger on a daily basis,

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working with high-voltage electricity on the railways.

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And that's how to conquer the Unfair Stairs.

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But can he conquer the time tunnel?

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Jumps for it.

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Oh! He's down.

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He's stuck. Oh, dear! This isn't... This has gone wrong.

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Oh, no. He is... Terribly, terribly wrong.

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They don't slow down, do they?

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It's great to be back!

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Incredibly, this guy works in railway safety,

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on his own, at night, and look at him.

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Since Bernard didn't make it past the first portal,

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and he really didn't, it's take two. Here we go.

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Mind your head. Those things do move at quite a speed.

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Here we go... Oh, Bernard, going for the double...

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For a moment, I thought his leg had actually come off.

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Maybe he can blame this on signal failure,

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or the wrong sort of leaves on the beam.

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Do you think you're going to beat the Sucker Punch?

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Well, I have what is known as the kung-fu grip

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and I'm pretty sure my mum hits harder than them.

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Considering the size of Bernard, his mum must be quite a woman.

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She must be massive!

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Oh, squirty wirty! Followed by a Sucker Punch.

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That is textbook stuff.

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Let's have another look at that.

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Squirty wirty catches him off guard, followed by the Sucker Punch.

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A simple, but effective demonstration of the squirty-wirty

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Sucker Punch. Yeah, it works.

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This is 19-year-old Heather, from Preston.

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She's a creative writing student...

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-and quite a mover.

-# ..I can boogie... #

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Heather, how do you know today is going to be a good day for you?

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Because it's good, for a start, because I'm in Argentina

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and that's just amazing.

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And I predict even more amazing things are about to happen.

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A lovely step through, almost elegant. Oh, that wasn't.

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I thought this was going to be easy.

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Turns out, time travel is really quite tricky. Who knew?

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That's a shame, that is.

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Nice technique though.

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Super nose pinch as she hits the water.

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The Sucker Punch now and Heather is too short for the squirty.

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Sadly, not the fists.

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If you look closely, you will see another nose pinch there.

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Heather really doesn't like things up her hooter.

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When I'm really tired and get a punch in the face,

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I'll pretend it's like aliens chasing me, to keep me going.

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I've done it before on my bike.

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It's like, "Oh! Aliens chasing me! Keep pedalling!"

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We've all done that, but it's not aliens you've got to worry about,

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it's the Motivator, but don't worry, it's missed.

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We're on the second... No, we're in the water.

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Hope that was a nose pinch there.

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Yes! Hooter-Holding Heather held her nose on every fall.

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It's a shame this lady didn't.

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This is Jan and she really should have held her nose.

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Jan is a nurse from North Wales,

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and normally, she's really happy.

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See? Lovely colours.

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Now, she may be wet,

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but her spirit's undampened as she takes on the... Oh, yeah.

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Fell off. Well, that happens.

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Sadly, it's the Big Balls next,

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for a now less-than-happy-looking Jan.

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Here we go. Good height.

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But bad fall. Yeah. Bad.

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Is she still happy now?

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No, she's not happy. She needs to catch her breath.

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SHE BELCHES

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Oh. I'm getting pickled onion, don't know about you.

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Maybe egg, is that?

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Happy Jan is on to the final obstacle

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and in a pretty decent time too.

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Oh, safely onto the block. Now comes the hard bit...

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Oh! That was horrible.

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Jan should try Heather's nose-pinching technique.

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Difficult to execute when you're about to do what she did.

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Yeah, you see, you can't... It's tricky.

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Despite taking that mighty wallop on the Shape Shifter,

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happy Jan completes the course in 4:28.

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Well done, Jan.

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-Thank you.

-No, thank you!

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Excuse me, by the way. I did do a burp when I was under there.

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I'm glad to see you're still smiling, you're still laughing, still positive.

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That's right. Happy Jan. It's important to always see the funny side.

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You can stop seeing it now.

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Now, some pernicious little oiks

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have claimed that Total Wipeout is lowbrow in nature.

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Being a man of class and stature,

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I strongly refute such baseless accusations.

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Would a lowbrow televisual programme contain Mozart?

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X-FILES THEME MUSIC

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Mozart. Would a lowbrow show feature great works of art?

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And would the next contestant on said lowbrow broadcast be a professor?

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And I do mean a proper one,

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not in some Noddy subject at a made-up university.

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Here, at last, is someone to whom I can really relate.

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# Oh, give me a home where the Buffalo roam

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# And the deer and the antelope play. #

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Professor Lars, can you tell me how colossally massive is your brain?

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Is it L, XL or XXL?

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They tell me it's XXL but, you know, the more I learn,

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the less I feel that I know.

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This clever professor lives in London and is the first

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contestant to tackle the qualifier in a tie-your-own bowtie.

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Yeah, told you he was clever.

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Oh, that bit wasn't so clever. No.

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How are you going to approach this?

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Is it going to be scientific?

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Absolutely. I'm going to use science to set a new course record.

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In quantum mechanics, you can never be sure where something is and how fast it's going.

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So I've calculated that I can finish the course before I start it.

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Professor Lars is about two-and-a-half minutes

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behind completing the qualifier

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before he'd started. And on to the giant protons of... Yeah, he's gone.

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-I love your voice.

-Thank you very much.

-You're welcome!

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-All right, let's go!

-Come on, Professor Lars.

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Yeah, let's go, Lars!

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Nothing is over until the clever professor says.

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OK, it's over. Definitely.

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Who's next? Ah, 27-year-old model and make-up artist Emma, from Derby.

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# ..Nobody else but you... #

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What lengths would you go to to make sure that you win here today?

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A little brute force, maybe a bit of violence...

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DEEP DEMONIC VOICE

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Oh, Lordy! Emma is prone to the occasional temper tantrum.

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Woe betide anything that stands in her way.

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Time Tunnel, you may have met your match.

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She's through. She's in it.

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-She's... Oh!

-Yeah, that's really brutish and violent(!)

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Yeah, she's fighting the portals with her bottom and...

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You don't want to make this girl angry!

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You won't like her when she's angry. Any minute now,

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irate Emma going to explode.

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I've got a bit of fire in my belly.

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Yeah, that's probably just the Argentinian cuisine.

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Onto the Sucker Punch now. This will get it, you watch. Come on, Emma.

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Show the sucker punch who's boss. Here we go.

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Ow! Oh!

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Irate Emma taking a big blow there to the dicky tummy.

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That's really going to make her cross, isn't it?

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Making a meal of the mud,

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which will, of course, only serve

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to worsen that stomach complaint, I imagine.

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DEMONIC VOICE: I was born with pure determination.

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-Come on, Emma.

-What's wrong with your legs?

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Time to see that determination. Channel that anger.

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I want to see fireworks. You can do it!

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OK.

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She's up. Stand back, everyone. She's about to blow.

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Oh! Less of a bang,

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more of a splosh for irate Emma.

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I'm beginning to wonder if this whole irate thing was made up.

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Let's go to the leaderboard.

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Professor Lars takes the top spot with Crash And Bernard

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and Annalane Mean Machine in second and third.

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Happy Jan pushes Hooter- Holding Heather into fifth,

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whilst irate Emma will not be happy to find herself in sixth.

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14 contestants to go.

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Currently languishing on the Unfair Stairs is Becky,

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a 22-year-old nurse from Cornwall.

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She's having a bit of a fight with these, but she is holding on.

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Here we go. Oh, good swing.

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Onto the Time Tunnel. No-one's beaten this so far today.

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Can she be the first?

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Oh! Oh!

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Oh. Becky hasn't come to Argentina alone.

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She's brought her little brother, Tom.

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Needless to say, the two of them are fairly competitive.

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HE SCREAMS

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So, here comes Tom, onto the stairs. He's grabbed the rope low.

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But a great recovery.

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Now, can he do better than Becky on the Time Tunnel? Here we go. Ooh.

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Oh, well, he's remaining upright. He's through the first one.

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He didn't go through the second one.

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The time travel might not work. Oh, he's fallen off anyway.

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It's difficult. Becky to the Sucker Punch now.

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Ow! Ooh, she's hanging on.

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Gets squirted.

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Takes one in the knee.

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Oh, she's a goner. Tiny Tom's on the Big Balls. Here we go... Great jump.

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Oh, that could have been very good. But it sort of wasn't.

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Big Becky's turn now. Here we go.

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Yes! Yes! Ooh!

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Oh, she's on the second.

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Can she make the third?

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Come on, Becky.

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Yes, that's it. She's going to do it.

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This is looking good.

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A little stumble. She almost fell.

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Gathering herself. Come on, Becky.

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-She's on the fourth.

-Hold tight!

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If she makes this jump,

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little brother Tom is not going to hear the end of it, ever.

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Will we have our first ball-crosser of the series?

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Yes!

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Big Becky has showed her little brother Tiny Tom just how it's done.

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Just the Shape Shifter to go. Can she finish in style?

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# ..Standin' on their own two feet

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# And ringin' on their own bells... #

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-Oh, my God!

-No, no.

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This race of the siblings is over.

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Time for Amanda to tell them who was quickest.

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-I got the balls!

-Come on!

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-Did you do the balls?

-Oh, yes!

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I'm going to tell you... the sibling that was fastest...

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-was Tom.

-Yes!

-Even with the balls?

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He didn't do the bigger ball! Yay!

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Who's this?

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I think it's a lady. No, no idea.

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Oh! Whoever it is, she might be

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about to get across the balls.

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What a start to the new series that would...have been.

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That's a shame.

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Ah! It's Cheryl. She's 44, but - wow - looking good!

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Erm, yes, from every angle.

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Cheryl is like Madonna, forever young.

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I bet she can still get out of a chair without making a noise.

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Onto the Shape Shifter.

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I reckon it's possible,

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but only if you're prepared to lose a leg or a head.

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Less Madonna, more Magonna.

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Next, it's Jade.

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It says here she's a swimming pool duty manager,

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but I reckon she's a fashion designer.

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Flappy orange socks definitely IN this year,

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even just one of them. Very fashionable.

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-Now, what can she do with the time tunnel?

-Ooh!

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-Ah!

-Ooh!

0:18:140:18:17

Mm!

0:18:170:18:18

-Ooh!

-Ah!

0:18:180:18:20

-Oh!

-Yeah.

-Oh!

0:18:200:18:23

What is it, some sort of merry-go-Jade?

0:18:230:18:26

Looks like Amanda's enjoying it.

0:18:260:18:27

-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-Maybe.

-No, no, no.

0:18:270:18:30

-Yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-Yeah!

0:18:300:18:32

I don't want this to end, it's strangely hypnotic.

0:18:320:18:36

Oh, it's ended. I was enjoying that,

0:18:370:18:39

could have watched hours of it.

0:18:390:18:41

Jade and her floppy orange sock taking a moment to show us

0:18:410:18:44

what's hot for this summer.

0:18:440:18:47

Squirty-wirty Sucker Punch next.

0:18:470:18:49

As an ex-rugby player, Jade shouldn't have a problem with this.

0:18:490:18:52

She's used to the heavy hits and the mud.

0:18:520:18:54

Oh, perhaps not that heavy... or muddy.

0:18:550:18:59

This is salsa-dancing Gary.

0:19:020:19:05

My hips can go that way, and that way,

0:19:060:19:09

and do a bit of that as well.

0:19:090:19:12

So, Mr Snake Hips, I hear you are Swansea's answer to Patrick Swayze.

0:19:120:19:17

You could say that, yes.

0:19:170:19:19

Wow, it's just like the original!

0:19:210:19:23

Not that I've got it on Blu-ray, or DVD, or VHS.

0:19:230:19:25

I've never seen it. The original of what? I don't know.

0:19:250:19:29

Gary cha-cha-chas the Unfair Stairs. Here we go.

0:19:290:19:33

Ow! Ow! Ow!

0:19:330:19:35

Gary does yoga to improve his flexibility,

0:19:350:19:39

but that will have done nothing to improve anything.

0:19:390:19:41

He fell down the stairs.

0:19:410:19:43

Onto the Sucker Punch now.

0:19:430:19:45

Gary teaches Zumba, which is dancing with lots of thrusting.

0:19:450:19:48

Thrust in, thrust out, brilliant.

0:19:510:19:53

Look at Gary go!

0:19:530:19:55

OK, it's Big Ball time.

0:19:550:19:57

Here we go.

0:19:570:19:58

One, two, this is good.

0:19:580:20:01

Yes, no, less good at the end there.

0:20:010:20:05

Gary wows the ladies of Swansea with his hypnotic dance moves.

0:20:050:20:09

-PARP!

-Yes, perhaps that one, less so.

0:20:100:20:14

Gary has dropped his watermelons and now it's his time to shine.

0:20:150:20:20

# ..And I owe it all to you

0:20:200:20:21

-# I've had... #

-Yep, here we go.

0:20:210:20:25

Oh! I think his nose took the full brunt of that.

0:20:250:20:29

Who's this chirpy chap?

0:20:310:20:34

I'm going to assault this course!

0:20:340:20:36

Right-o, this is General Jon.

0:20:360:20:38

He's not actually a general, or a soldier, but you get the idea.

0:20:380:20:41

And Jon assaults the first Time Portal. He's through!

0:20:410:20:44

Ooh!

0:20:440:20:46

Oh, he gets assaulted by the second one. This is tricky, isn't it?

0:20:460:20:50

What are you going to do with that belly out on that course today?

0:20:500:20:53

I'm going to fight the big red balls with it.

0:20:530:20:55

I'm going to use it to get across them.

0:20:550:20:58

You know, bounce on bounce kind of thing.

0:20:580:21:00

Here it is, the greatest battle of Jon's life. Bounce versus bounce.

0:21:000:21:03

Who will win?

0:21:030:21:06

Oh! Bounce did.

0:21:070:21:10

Definitely a lot of bounce just generally going on.

0:21:120:21:15

What a battle!

0:21:150:21:16

Sterling stuff!

0:21:160:21:18

So, that was General Jon falling off things,

0:21:240:21:27

but remember, he was only following orders.

0:21:270:21:29

Now, as I've already intimated tonight,

0:21:290:21:31

Total Wipeout is not all about muscle and brute strength. Oh, no.

0:21:310:21:35

There's also a place here for the thinking man.

0:21:350:21:37

We are, after all, a show for the intelligentsia

0:21:370:21:40

so here are the people who really use their true mental agility

0:21:400:21:44

to cross this course.

0:21:440:21:46

What do you mean, do it again?

0:21:460:21:48

..Yeah, I know. I saw it. I liked it!

0:21:480:21:50

The badger wasn't happy? Well...

0:21:500:21:52

First, there's Akile, a government

0:21:520:21:54

policy adviser. She's The Fixer.

0:21:540:21:57

Dan, IT guy, he's the Tech Wizard.

0:21:570:22:00

And then there's Pritam, from Accounts,

0:22:000:22:03

he deals with receipts.

0:22:030:22:04

And if they work together, then maybe, just maybe,

0:22:040:22:07

they can crack this course.

0:22:070:22:09

I'm scared!

0:22:090:22:11

Can I go home, please?

0:22:110:22:13

Having planned it out thoroughly,

0:22:130:22:14

this is how you do the Unfair Stairs.

0:22:140:22:17

-Oh!

-Oh! Uh-oh!

0:22:170:22:20

Akile's smart, she'll have thought this one through.

0:22:230:22:27

Oh! Good thinking, questionable execution.

0:22:270:22:31

OK, I think Dan has got it.

0:22:310:22:33

Ah, well, if he had it, he's lost it and got it wet.

0:22:350:22:39

Bonus points for hitting every step on the way down with his face.

0:22:390:22:45

Just a shame this show isn't about points...or dignity.

0:22:450:22:47

Akile ploughs past the first portal, and then gets carried away.

0:22:470:22:53

Literally.

0:22:530:22:54

Pritam tries to hug the portal into submission.

0:22:540:22:58

Dan the IT guy decides to do some sort of skipping.

0:23:010:23:04

New technique for a new obstacle. This could work.

0:23:040:23:07

Ah!

0:23:070:23:08

Nah, it didn't.

0:23:090:23:11

Akile approaches the Sucker Punch now. What's her policy?

0:23:110:23:14

Oh, old school. Nice.

0:23:170:23:19

Pritam, from Accounts, approaches the Punch

0:23:200:23:23

with a Clooney-esque swagger

0:23:230:23:25

about him. Look at that.

0:23:250:23:27

Confident.

0:23:270:23:29

Oh! Yeah.

0:23:320:23:34

Digital Dan, the IT guy, on the Big Balls.

0:23:360:23:38

Oh, and he's crashed. Everything's gone down. We've lost the mainframe.

0:23:400:23:44

Akile now on a ladder.

0:23:440:23:48

Now off it. It's all part of the plan, they've thought this through.

0:23:480:23:51

And Pritam...

0:23:510:23:53

Digital Dan has a go on the Shape Shifter.

0:23:560:23:59

Oh, crashed again.

0:23:590:24:01

Another reboot.

0:24:010:24:03

So Digital Dan finishes in 3:50.

0:24:030:24:07

Akile does it in 4:48.

0:24:070:24:11

And Pritam...

0:24:110:24:12

Let's go to the leaderboard.

0:24:150:24:17

So, Tiny Tom takes the top spot, with Gary Swayze in second.

0:24:180:24:22

Magonna Cheryl is fourth.

0:24:220:24:24

Big Sis Becky's in seventh.

0:24:240:24:27

And holding on at the bottom, in joint 12th,

0:24:270:24:30

is Akile the Fixer and Irate Emma.

0:24:300:24:32

Golden Boots, wrist things, is it Flash Gordon?

0:24:340:24:38

No, it's Jamaican chef Tash.

0:24:400:24:42

Tash Gordon and the Time Tunnel, that kind of works.

0:24:420:24:45

Maybe she's the first one to... No, no, no. All tangled up.

0:24:450:24:49

Tash Gordon and the water of incurable illness, I suspect.

0:24:490:24:54

I hope she kept her mouth closed when she landed.

0:24:540:24:57

Can Tash Gordon defeat

0:24:570:24:59

Sucker Punch, the Merciless?

0:24:590:25:01

Actually looking good here.

0:25:010:25:05

Maybe.

0:25:050:25:06

Oh... It's great to be back!

0:25:060:25:09

Let's just see that again in replay.

0:25:090:25:12

Yeah, that punch actually made her leak some blue stuff.

0:25:120:25:15

Might need to see a doctor about that.

0:25:150:25:19

This is Adam.

0:25:190:25:20

He's a drama student and a member of the Circus Society.

0:25:200:25:23

He's funny though!

0:25:240:25:26

Yep, oh, that's absolutely classic stuff.

0:25:300:25:34

Yes, I think Adam could have a promising career as a clown,

0:25:340:25:37

but is he any good at drama?

0:25:370:25:39

Let's find out on the greatest stage of them all, the Big Balls.

0:25:390:25:43

Act one, two, and three.

0:25:430:25:45

The end.

0:25:450:25:46

Still, at least he didn't need any motivation from the Motivator.

0:25:460:25:50

As an amateur actor, Adam should know all about timing.

0:25:500:25:53

Can he use this knowledge to beat the Shape Shifter?

0:25:530:25:56

Oh! No.

0:25:560:25:58

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

0:25:580:26:00

Adam finishes with a buttock-clenching combination

0:26:000:26:03

of both circus and drama.

0:26:030:26:04

Crikey, who's this guy?

0:26:040:26:07

Looks like HE should be in the circus.

0:26:070:26:10

Oh, it says here he is.

0:26:100:26:11

He's a professional circus performer, and very good.

0:26:110:26:14

Paul, can I assume that you go to work in ginormous checked trousers

0:26:140:26:17

and wear a flower on your lapel that squirts water in people's faces?

0:26:170:26:21

No, clowns freak me out a bit, to be honest.

0:26:210:26:23

Clowns freak YOU out?

0:26:230:26:25

OK, moving on.

0:26:250:26:27

Here we go. Oh, it's a great swing.

0:26:290:26:32

This is looking impressive. Time to jump through some hoops.

0:26:320:26:36

Professional Paul should be great at this.

0:26:360:26:40

Oh! It's a shame this is so tricky.

0:26:400:26:42

I wanted to see some time travel, but it's impossible.

0:26:420:26:47

Never mind. It's Big Ball time. Come on, Paul. You're good at juggling.

0:26:470:26:51

Juggle these. Yeah!

0:26:510:26:53

I thought he was a circus performer!

0:26:550:26:57

-The circus has left town.

-Obviously.

0:26:570:26:59

Last obstacle. Come on, Paul.

0:26:590:27:02

Let's see what you've got.

0:27:020:27:03

He fell off a ladder. Some classic slapstick.

0:27:030:27:07

He doesn't have time for this right now though.

0:27:070:27:09

It was very funny and well executed, but get a move on!

0:27:090:27:11

The Shape Shifter.

0:27:110:27:13

Will Professional Paul end with a bang or fizzle out with a whimper?

0:27:130:27:16

Oh, it was a bang. Textbook stuff.

0:27:180:27:21

Like a great performer, he leaves his best trick till last.

0:27:210:27:25

What a clown!

0:27:270:27:28

Paul the Professional hangs up

0:27:280:27:30

his clown shoes with a time of 2:43.

0:27:300:27:33

As all scientists know,

0:27:340:27:36

the universe is made up of basic forces of the sub-molecular level.

0:27:360:27:40

They are gravitational force, electromagnetic force,

0:27:400:27:44

magic,

0:27:440:27:46

good, and evil.

0:27:460:27:48

Of course, the most powerful of these forces are good and evil,

0:27:480:27:51

and for every good thing, there is an evil thing.

0:27:510:27:54

I, for example, am good.

0:27:540:27:55

Anchovies are evil.

0:27:550:27:58

So, let's find out which force is better, on the Qualifier.

0:27:580:28:01

Good or evil.

0:28:010:28:03

On the side of evil, she's a scientist

0:28:030:28:05

so she's probably an evil scientist.

0:28:050:28:08

-It's Dr Evil Amanda.

-I'm like a chemical reaction, ready to explode!

0:28:080:28:13

Yeah, and she's talking about exploding.

0:28:130:28:15

Ooh.

0:28:170:28:19

Wow, that's evil.

0:28:210:28:22

That is evil.

0:28:220:28:24

And fighting the good fight is Ewan McGregor look-alike Chris.

0:28:240:28:27

If you strike me down,

0:28:270:28:29

I shall be more powerful than you can possibly imagine!

0:28:290:28:31

He's a Star Wars obsessive.

0:28:310:28:34

MAYPOLE DANCING MUSIC

0:28:340:28:36

Yeah, that's from Star Wars, apparently.

0:28:360:28:38

I think it is.

0:28:380:28:40

You can stop now.

0:28:430:28:44

Here comes Obi Chris Kenobi,

0:28:440:28:46

on the side of all things good.

0:28:460:28:49

That wasn't very good. Erring on the dark side.

0:28:510:28:54

Dr Evil Amanda's turn. Surely she can do better than that!

0:28:540:28:57

Well, it was certainly a better fall.

0:29:000:29:03

She sort of did the splits upside down,

0:29:030:29:05

which is probably very difficult.

0:29:050:29:07

Back to Chris, as he makes his way onto the Time Tunnel.

0:29:090:29:12

May the force be with you.

0:29:120:29:13

So far today, no-one has beaten these.

0:29:150:29:17

Can Chris be the first? Let's see how it's done.

0:29:170:29:20

He is struggling.

0:29:200:29:21

Oh, he's dancing with it.

0:29:210:29:23

Just run, man. It can't be that difficult!

0:29:230:29:25

This is better. Yes! He's through three now.

0:29:250:29:28

He's down. He's up again!

0:29:280:29:31

-That's it, Chris.

-I love the... Oh.

0:29:310:29:33

Chris sensed victory, but all he got was a shove in the back

0:29:380:29:41

and a whack on the head.

0:29:410:29:42

It's thorough, isn't it?

0:29:420:29:44

Dr Evil Amanda's turn on the Time Tunnel.

0:29:440:29:47

Good start.

0:29:470:29:48

Oh! Oh! She does the splits again.

0:29:480:29:50

She's up. What's her time?

0:29:500:29:53

Picking her moment, goes for it. Yes!

0:29:530:29:55

No, no, very no.

0:29:550:29:57

So good and evil are drawing at the moment.

0:29:590:30:04

It's back to Chris and the forces of good. What should he do here?

0:30:040:30:08

Perhaps he should close his eyes

0:30:080:30:10

and try to feel the force!

0:30:100:30:12

Oh, well, he felt that.

0:30:120:30:15

He did close his eyes, and he did feel A force.

0:30:170:30:20

Dr Evil Amanda not far behind and this is looking good.

0:30:240:30:29

Green and slimy, but good. Looking confident. Will evil triumph?

0:30:290:30:32

Ah. A bit.

0:30:330:30:35

A rather tired, but still faintly heroic-looking Chris

0:30:350:30:39

approaches the four giant red moons of Endor.

0:30:390:30:42

One moon, two moon,

0:30:420:30:45

and then too much gravity kicks in, ends in the water.

0:30:450:30:48

-What about Dr Evil Amanda?

-Do it well, Amanda. Come on!

0:30:480:30:51

Mind the Motivator, it's ready.

0:30:510:30:54

Is the Motivator actually switched on?

0:30:540:30:57

Oh, we have a live one!

0:30:570:30:58

-Onto ball three.

-That's it, that's a girl.

0:31:010:31:04

Oh, crikey.

0:31:040:31:05

Ball four. Can this actually...?

0:31:070:31:10

Two in the first show?

0:31:100:31:11

Is this possible?

0:31:110:31:14

A bit of a wobble.

0:31:140:31:15

Yes, she's across!

0:31:170:31:19

Evil definitely pulled the pants over the head of good there.

0:31:190:31:23

Now, can she achieve Total Wipeout domination

0:31:230:31:25

with success on the Shape Shifter?

0:31:250:31:27

First one to do it. Come on.

0:31:270:31:29

Oh, you missed that completely.

0:31:290:31:31

Yeah, just...

0:31:330:31:34

well, hopeless.

0:31:340:31:36

Will good succeed where evil failed? Generally does.

0:31:380:31:43

I'm feeling confident.

0:31:430:31:45

No.

0:31:450:31:46

I knew that was going to happen.

0:31:460:31:49

Dr Evil Amanda qualifies with a time of 2:48. Very exciting.

0:31:490:31:54

I hope she didn't...

0:31:540:31:56

Oh, she did. She did.

0:31:560:31:57

And with that time, Obi Chris Kenobi scrapes into the top 12.

0:31:590:32:03

-What is that?!

-I don't know. A Star Wars thing?

0:32:030:32:07

I've never seen a Jedi do that.

0:32:070:32:09

Wow, X-Wing fighters. Time for the final leaderboard.

0:32:110:32:14

So, Tiny Tom still leading in first place,

0:32:140:32:17

with Gary Swayze and Professional Paul in second and third.

0:32:170:32:21

General Jon, Dr Evil Amanda and Magonna Cheryl

0:32:210:32:24

are in fourth, fifth and sixth.

0:32:240:32:25

Followed by Amateur Adam, Professor Lars, and Tash Gordon.

0:32:250:32:29

Finally, Digital Dan finishes tenth,

0:32:290:32:31

and sharing eleventh is Obi Chris Kenobi and Big Sis Becky.

0:32:310:32:35

These are the 12 that go through to the next round.

0:32:350:32:39

What a qualifier!

0:32:390:32:41

Two ball crossings, a professor, two circus performers,

0:32:410:32:43

a brother and sister combo, and a badger with a courgette.

0:32:430:32:46

And the good news is, there are three rounds still to come.

0:32:460:32:49

Things are just warming up. Time to say goodbye to the losers.

0:32:490:32:53

No point dressing it up, they're losers. Goodbye.

0:32:530:32:56

# Goodbye

0:32:590:33:03

# Since you gotta go

0:33:060:33:08

# Oh, you'd better go now

0:33:080:33:12

# Go now, go now

0:33:120:33:16

# Go now

0:33:160:33:18

# Before you see me cry... #

0:33:180:33:22

Back in the good old days, there was The Sweeper - it swept.

0:33:220:33:25

Then there was Crash Mountain - it crashed.

0:33:250:33:28

But now it's time to make history once again

0:33:280:33:30

because a new obstacle has arrived.

0:33:300:33:32

Hang on, I need a megaphone for this.

0:33:320:33:35

Thank you... For the first time ever on UK television...

0:33:350:33:39

Is this making me sound silly? No? All right.

0:33:390:33:42

..ladies and gentlemen, I give you Double Cross!

0:33:420:33:46

Dramatic.

0:33:460:33:47

Here's how it works -

0:33:530:33:55

a giant rotating cross moves in one direction.

0:33:550:33:58

A giant rotating sweeper moves in the other.

0:33:580:34:00

To get to the finish podium,

0:34:000:34:02

contestants must leap on to a green gangway

0:34:020:34:04

and exit via the red gangway, without doing this.

0:34:040:34:08

It's fast, it's ferocious, and it's flippin' difficult.

0:34:080:34:12

The first six across qualify for the next round.

0:34:120:34:14

Let's meet the double crossers. Fastest in the qualifier, Tiny Tom.

0:34:140:34:19

Becky, if you need a hand, just give me a shout.

0:34:190:34:21

Second quickest, Gary Swayze.

0:34:210:34:24

In third place is Professional Paul.

0:34:240:34:27

In fourth, General Jon.

0:34:270:34:30

It's not hard to fly like an eagle when the rest of the contestants are frozen chickens!

0:34:300:34:34

Then there's Dr Evil Amanda.

0:34:340:34:37

I'm the mighty atom - small, but full of energy!

0:34:370:34:39

Yeah, not for long.

0:34:390:34:41

Bound to happen.

0:34:410:34:42

She's followed by Magonna Cheryl.

0:34:420:34:45

Amateur Adam.

0:34:450:34:48

And Professor Lars.

0:34:480:34:49

-Don't you mess-er with the professor!

-OK!

0:34:490:34:52

Ninth quickest to qualify is Tash Gordon.

0:34:520:34:56

Winners make it happen, losers let it happen!

0:34:560:34:59

Finally, it's Digital Dan.

0:34:590:35:02

Big sis Becky.

0:35:020:35:03

Little bro, that was first-time lucky. This time, watch me go!

0:35:030:35:07

Last, but not least, Obi Chris Kenobe.

0:35:070:35:10

The force is strong in this one!

0:35:100:35:12

PARP!

0:35:120:35:13

Yeah, a little too much force there.

0:35:130:35:17

I can't think of a single reason not to love Double Cross.

0:35:170:35:20

Except, of course, if I was one of the 12 contestants taking part.

0:35:200:35:25

-Are you all ready?

-YES!

0:35:260:35:28

Fools, they know not what they say.

0:35:280:35:31

Three, two, one...!

0:35:310:35:33

Early start from Lars,

0:35:370:35:38

who's straight off. I mean, really very off.

0:35:380:35:41

Professional Paul makes a dash. A great leap, he's in the centre.

0:35:410:35:46

Here comes Gary Swayze.

0:35:460:35:48

Oh, no, there he goes.

0:35:480:35:50

Bottom over elbow.

0:35:500:35:52

Here's Paul, he's done it!

0:35:550:35:58

That was amazingly quick!

0:35:580:36:00

Trust Coco to get across first!

0:36:000:36:03

Who's next? Digital Dan.

0:36:030:36:05

Oh, face smash!

0:36:050:36:07

Amateur Adam now. He whimps out, he jumped.

0:36:070:36:09

Gary and his horrible shorts make it to the middle.

0:36:090:36:13

He's got to wait now for that red gangway before he can get off.

0:36:130:36:18

That's the thing. Ooh, Magonna Cheryl's joined him.

0:36:180:36:21

Red gangway coming round, here's Gary's chance. No!

0:36:210:36:25

One step, no step, cha-cha-cha, splash.

0:36:250:36:29

What is Cheryl doing? Is this a new form of Irish dancing?

0:36:320:36:38

Ah, just like Madonna in her Irish dancing phase.

0:36:380:36:41

Oh, Tiny Tom makes a bid for the middle.

0:36:420:36:45

He's done it, so he's halfway there, he just has to get off.

0:36:450:36:47

General Jon's made it, too. It's getting congested.

0:36:470:36:51

Getting into the middle seems to be easy,

0:36:510:36:53

it's the other side they're aiming for using that red gangway.

0:36:530:36:56

Bodies flying everywhere.

0:36:560:36:58

It's like a Double Cross party.

0:36:580:37:01

I'm not sure Adam's invited. He's struggling to stay on. Cheryl!

0:37:010:37:04

Oh, she tried a valiant leap, but ended up a Magonner.

0:37:060:37:09

That centre isn't big enough for the seven of them, it just isn't.

0:37:100:37:15

Becky tries, fails. Maybe her brother can show her how it's done.

0:37:150:37:20

He's on the red one, that's different.

0:37:220:37:25

But he's on the right gangway still. Oh, yes!

0:37:250:37:28

No! I had an inkling something like that might happen.

0:37:280:37:30

Come on, guys!

0:37:390:37:41

Someone really needs to take command.

0:37:410:37:44

-Is this an obstacle course, or a discussion show?

-Go people, go!

0:37:440:37:49

Magonna Cheryl again. No, no!

0:37:510:37:54

Dan needs a hand... Too late.

0:37:540:37:57

It really is dog discusses dog up there.

0:37:590:38:02

Oh, General Jon starts leading the operation.

0:38:060:38:09

It appears Tash is second in command.

0:38:100:38:13

Jon's turn.

0:38:130:38:16

Oh! Terrible timing.

0:38:160:38:18

Look, he salutes as he goes down - what an inspiration!

0:38:180:38:22

Tash Gordon watching everyone else fall in from her comfy seat.

0:38:220:38:26

It's so scary.

0:38:260:38:27

Cheryl's back again.

0:38:290:38:31

Chris tries to move them off with Jedi mind powers.

0:38:310:38:34

He goes for it and messes it up.

0:38:340:38:36

The force of gravity is strong with this one.

0:38:360:38:39

Tiny Tom's back, leaps the sweeper again. This could be...

0:38:460:38:50

Oh, so close.

0:38:500:38:51

-Do what Tom is doing.

-What? He fell off!

0:38:510:38:54

Cheryl doing what Tom is doing, but doesn't fall.

0:38:540:38:57

Thank the Lord!

0:38:570:38:59

Time for a curtain raiser. Very good.

0:39:020:39:04

Two are through to the next round. But we do need six.

0:39:040:39:08

I'm sure they normally do that with slightly bigger skirts, don't they?

0:39:110:39:14

I think she's happy.

0:39:140:39:16

Four places left in the next round.

0:39:160:39:18

Come on, you've got to get off that centre.

0:39:180:39:21

What a surprise, Tash dishing out orders again.

0:39:210:39:24

Tiny Tom's had enough, he's off. I mean, really off,

0:39:300:39:32

he hits the water again.

0:39:320:39:33

Go, Tash, now!

0:39:350:39:36

Tash finally goes. Oh, what an anti-climax!

0:39:360:39:40

I'll say it again, the centre is not big enough for the eight of them.

0:39:460:39:49

But Becky's through! All of a sudden, it happened so quickly.

0:39:490:39:54

-Tom's not happy.

-Come on, guys, you can't let a girl beat you!

0:39:540:39:57

The pressure's on now, only three places left.

0:39:570:40:01

Oh, Digital Dan...face plant!

0:40:010:40:03

Another go for General Jon and he's done it in style.

0:40:040:40:08

Well, he's done it.

0:40:080:40:10

Two places left now - will they go to Obi Chris Kenobe,

0:40:100:40:14

Dr Evil Amanda, Gary Swayze, Digital Dan,

0:40:140:40:17

Amateur Adam, Professor Lars,

0:40:170:40:20

Tash Gordon or Tiny Tom?

0:40:200:40:23

Well, Tiny Tom is trying his jumping technique again.

0:40:230:40:28

Millionth time lucky.

0:40:280:40:30

Here's Tash. Oh, now, that was not lucky.

0:40:300:40:32

I should imagine he hates Tash more than his big sister right now.

0:40:340:40:38

Tom almost made it but with just one step to go,

0:40:390:40:42

Tash Gordon, well, say no more.

0:40:420:40:45

Adam off like a bullet, finishes like a winner.

0:40:470:40:51

One more place.

0:40:510:40:53

Will Tiny Tom get back to the middle in time?

0:40:530:40:58

Oh, hang on, here's Gary Swayze, and he takes it. The final place is his.

0:41:000:41:05

We have the final six. Tom is absolutely gutted.

0:41:050:41:09

That took a long time, I thought they'd never leave the middle.

0:41:100:41:15

In fact, they spent so long on there, I had enough time to go out

0:41:150:41:19

and buy this pretend walking-stick and this fake beard.

0:41:190:41:22

-I look like ZZ Top.

-ZZ who?

-Who? Who?

0:41:220:41:26

That was an epic battle, though,

0:41:260:41:28

so let's remind ourselves of the poor souls who fell at the last hurdle.

0:41:280:41:31

I think the foundations of science have been shaken to their knees.

0:41:310:41:36

If Yoda was here now, I think he'd banish me from the Jedi temple

0:41:360:41:40

and say something like, "Banished from the temple, you are."

0:41:400:41:44

I tried so many times and just missed out.

0:41:440:41:46

I'm really devastated.

0:41:460:41:47

Gutted. I'm still shaking.

0:41:490:41:52

It's chaos.

0:41:520:41:53

Everybody screaming, you don't know whether to go left or right.

0:41:530:41:56

Unfortunately, I need to tweak my equations.

0:41:560:41:59

When I'm walking down my local High Street,

0:42:040:42:06

wearing my "I'm Richard Hammond, please ask me anything" sandwich board...

0:42:060:42:10

I do do that, it's kind of a social networking thing.

0:42:100:42:13

..people often ask me,

0:42:130:42:14

"Why isn't there an obstacle on Total Wipeout that makes us scared?"

0:42:140:42:18

I generally reply, "I'm sorry, I simply do not know."

0:42:180:42:21

But today, you are in luck,

0:42:210:42:23

because this next obstacle will give you the heebie-jeebies,

0:42:230:42:27

which I always thought you got from drinking puddles,

0:42:270:42:29

but apparently, it's not.

0:42:290:42:31

Prepare to be scared because you're about to witness Terror Go Round.

0:42:310:42:35

The contestants must stay on the carousel

0:42:430:42:45

whilst being pelted by two Argentinian fellas,

0:42:450:42:48

the Terror Twins. Then come the fingers of fate.

0:42:480:42:51

Fail to hurdle these and they'll be knocked off the carousel

0:42:510:42:53

and out of the game.

0:42:530:42:55

There are three chances in three hair-raising heats, but each time,

0:42:550:42:58

only the last one standing will qualify for the Wipeout Zone.

0:42:580:43:02

You want drama? We've got drama.

0:43:020:43:04

You want fear? We'll give you fear.

0:43:040:43:07

You want to see a contestant slapped in the kisser with a big wet towel?

0:43:070:43:11

Please, allow me.

0:43:110:43:13

It's Terror Go Round.

0:43:130:43:15

-Are you all ready? ALL:

-YES!

0:43:150:43:18

Oh, dear. Three, two, one...!

0:43:180:43:20

They've got no idea what they're in for.

0:43:200:43:24

Neither do I, it's all new.

0:43:240:43:25

The six terrors to go round are...

0:43:250:43:27

the Welsh Patrick Swayze - Gary Swayze,

0:43:270:43:30

a ray of light - Magonna Cheryl...

0:43:300:43:33

I'm going to assault this course!

0:43:330:43:35

..the ever-vocal General Jon,

0:43:350:43:38

Amateur Adam providing some drama,

0:43:380:43:40

Big Sis Becky - you go, sister! And Professional Paul.

0:43:400:43:43

Will we be laughing at him, or with him?

0:43:430:43:46

Time to unleash hell, well, inflatable hell.

0:43:460:43:48

This week, it's a lifeguard-themed hell, so expect inflatables

0:43:480:43:52

and possibly the odd flip-flop. Oh, and towels as well.

0:43:520:43:56

A wet towel slapped in the kisser!

0:43:560:43:58

So remember, the idea is to stay on your feet longer than everyone else.

0:43:580:44:03

Here come the fingers of fate. Oh, fickle but fun!

0:44:030:44:07

Oh, no!

0:44:070:44:10

Gary Swayze gets lifted clean off his feet by the very first finger.

0:44:100:44:14

Good strong arms, though.

0:44:140:44:15

And he's off. One down, five still standing.

0:44:150:44:18

Make that three still standing. Double disqualification.

0:44:180:44:22

Adam's over.

0:44:220:44:24

Becky's into the pool and out of this round.

0:44:250:44:28

Just Adam and Cheryl remain.

0:44:280:44:31

Cheryl is down, back to her feet.

0:44:310:44:33

Great recovery. Those inflatables really not helping now.

0:44:330:44:37

Come on, girl!

0:44:370:44:38

Oh, Adam's down, and so is Cheryl.

0:44:410:44:43

Magonna Cheryl is well and truly a goner!

0:44:430:44:46

The Terror Go Round has given Cheryl the finger in spectacular fashion.

0:44:460:44:50

And with moves like that, Madge herself would be proud.

0:44:500:44:53

Yes, Amateur Adam is through to the Wipeout Zone.

0:44:540:44:57

That's one spot in the Wipeout Zone taken, but we need two more.

0:44:590:45:03

By a freak coincidence, there are two more heats of Terror Go Round.

0:45:030:45:07

How lucky is that?

0:45:070:45:08

Hang on, that's not a coincidence, that's been done on purpose.

0:45:080:45:12

Round two and the carousel starts carouselling.

0:45:120:45:16

The terror twins don't waste any time either.

0:45:160:45:19

Cheryl's out in front, keen to meet those fingers of fate head on.

0:45:190:45:22

In fact, all five of them looking comfortable.

0:45:240:45:27

Less so now with a wet towel on the head.

0:45:280:45:31

HOOTER WAILS

0:45:310:45:33

Oh, that sound isn't good.

0:45:330:45:35

Here come the fingers!

0:45:350:45:37

Oh, someone's down. And someone's hanging on.

0:45:370:45:40

No, they're down, too.

0:45:400:45:42

Becky went down and Gary clung to the finger.

0:45:420:45:44

It's no Wipeout Zone for them, not yet anyway.

0:45:440:45:47

Second finger sweep and Paul's in trouble.

0:45:490:45:52

He cannot pass through the punch bags, or he's out of the game.

0:45:520:45:55

No, Paul's gone.

0:45:560:45:58

Magonna Cheryl and General Jon just about jumped it,

0:45:580:46:00

but it was too much for Paul.

0:46:000:46:02

So, which of these two is going through to the Wipeout Zone?

0:46:020:46:07

A bit of towel trouble for Jon. Over again.

0:46:070:46:10

A little stumble, but he's back to his feet.

0:46:100:46:12

Cheryl opting for the outer edge of the carousel.

0:46:120:46:16

Oh, Jon's fallen.

0:46:160:46:18

General disaster, but not for Magonna Cheryl,

0:46:180:46:21

she's Ma-gonna join Adam in the Wipeout Zone.

0:46:210:46:24

The Terror Go Round is pretty scary,

0:46:250:46:28

but I know what would make it even scarier.

0:46:280:46:30

This.

0:46:300:46:32

-IN DEEP VOICE:

-On with round three! Hee-hee-hee... Oh.

0:46:320:46:35

I just...

0:46:350:46:37

This evil giggle thing, I can't do it... Ha-ha-ha!

0:46:370:46:40

Ha!

0:46:400:46:42

Boo!

0:46:420:46:43

This is the last-chance saloon for Jon, Gary, Becky and Paul.

0:46:440:46:47

What was that?!

0:46:490:46:51

It's like a dinosaur with a duck's head - that's just freaky.

0:46:510:46:54

Here comes a whale.

0:46:540:46:56

Gary kicks a whale.

0:46:570:46:59

I shouldn't be watching the inflatables, that's not the game!

0:46:590:47:03

Any minute now, the fingers will start moving and the fun will start.

0:47:030:47:06

Here they go! Paul steps over with ease.

0:47:060:47:11

But the General's down.

0:47:110:47:12

Poor positioning from Jon, the bar gets very high there.

0:47:120:47:15

He's out of Total Wipeout.

0:47:150:47:18

And then there were three.

0:47:200:47:22

Becky takes a stumble, great recovery.

0:47:220:47:26

Oh!

0:47:260:47:27

Ring on the head for Gary, but that's the least of his worries.

0:47:270:47:31

That's good, Becky!

0:47:310:47:33

This could be anyone's. Position is key here.

0:47:330:47:36

-Oh, Becky's in trouble!

-Oh!

0:47:360:47:38

It looks like she just caught her leg on the finger

0:47:380:47:40

and it lifted her up and out of the competition.

0:47:400:47:43

So it's down to these two, Gary and Paul.

0:47:430:47:46

Gary takes a towel on the head.

0:47:470:47:49

Oh, a little stumble, but very little to choose between them.

0:47:490:47:53

Oh, this is a two-horse race.

0:47:550:47:57

Misses nothing, that girl. Both fighting for a place in the Wipeout Zone.

0:47:570:48:01

Constantly running and jumping, these two have got to be tiring now.

0:48:010:48:05

All it takes is one slip and that £10,000 prize sinks into the water.

0:48:050:48:09

Still both in it.

0:48:110:48:12

Oh, Paul's down!

0:48:140:48:15

Oh, and as quickly as that, it's all over for Paul.

0:48:150:48:18

Gary Swayze - exhausted, but happy.

0:48:210:48:24

The Wipeout Zone trio is complete.

0:48:240:48:28

But sadly, it's goodbye to these three.

0:48:280:48:30

General Jon soldiered his way through,

0:48:300:48:32

but lost his command on the Terror Go Round.

0:48:320:48:34

Professional Paul, a strong

0:48:340:48:36

contender right from the start,

0:48:360:48:38

but finally dropped the ball.

0:48:380:48:40

And Big Sis Becky beat her brother

0:48:400:48:42

to Terror Go Round, but joins him now

0:48:420:48:45

on the losers' bench.

0:48:450:48:46

It's all very moving, we will miss them.

0:48:460:48:50

I say "we" - I'm not that fussed, really.

0:48:500:48:54

I'll miss them in the sense that I'll be aware they're no longer there,

0:48:540:48:57

but some of them get a bit clingy.

0:48:570:49:00

Anyway, here are the Wipeout Zone finalists.

0:49:000:49:03

I'm a fitness instructor, pole dance teacher

0:49:050:49:08

and a jack of all trades, master of none.

0:49:080:49:10

I think the other two think I'm a drama queen.

0:49:100:49:13

Drama is my life and I love it.

0:49:130:49:15

I just love dancing, to be honest.

0:49:150:49:17

It's what I do, I dance.

0:49:170:49:19

I'm doing Total Wipeout for my Zumba girls back in South Wales.

0:49:190:49:23

My two children at home - I'm doing this for you guys, I really am.

0:49:230:49:26

I am the oldest. A lot of people wrote me off at the start.

0:49:260:49:30

He has just surprised everybody.

0:49:300:49:33

What is age anyway?

0:49:330:49:34

-Cheryl is an absolute legend.

-She's fit, flexible.

0:49:340:49:38

I think Cheryl's my biggest contender.

0:49:380:49:40

I've got Adam, he's a bit of a girl.

0:49:400:49:43

In the qualifier, I was absolutely petrified.

0:49:430:49:45

I fell off absolutely everything.

0:49:450:49:47

He was a dark horse from the start.

0:49:470:49:50

I am scared of heights and I am scared of water.

0:49:500:49:53

There's no strength in those arms - nothing there.

0:49:530:49:55

I don't exercise at all.

0:49:550:49:57

Winning this would be such an achievement for me.

0:49:570:50:00

This is going to be one of those surreal achievements

0:50:000:50:04

where you just think, did that really happen?

0:50:040:50:06

I can win this tonight.

0:50:060:50:09

If I'm honest, I don't think I stand a chance,

0:50:090:50:11

but I've fluked it this far, why can't I fluke it further?

0:50:110:50:14

I don't want to be the last man standing,

0:50:140:50:16

I want to be the last man dancing.

0:50:160:50:18

I might love my fellow finalists, but I still want to smash 'em!

0:50:180:50:22

Actually, I'm going to!

0:50:220:50:25

It's back with a vengeance.

0:50:300:50:32

The Wipeout Zone begins with a slide and splash.

0:50:320:50:35

Then it's the rapid climb, seriously slippy,

0:50:350:50:38

followed by the see-saw of truth, seriously tippy.

0:50:380:50:41

Onto the crazy sweeper, seriously injury.

0:50:410:50:44

Then there's the turntables with the all-new pillars of no return.

0:50:440:50:47

Once through, there's no going back.

0:50:470:50:50

Seriously, are we allowed to do this to people?

0:50:500:50:52

It all ends at the push of a button and the stop of a clock.

0:50:520:50:55

Winner takes home a worthy £10,000 and a worthless trophy.

0:50:550:50:59

It's a warm evening, the flames are roaring behind me

0:51:000:51:04

and the competition - that's absolutely sizzling.

0:51:040:51:09

It's the Wipeout Zone and Gary is the first to brave it.

0:51:100:51:13

Dance teacher Gary is the first

0:51:150:51:17

to take on the challenge of the Wipeout Zone this series.

0:51:170:51:20

Let's dance!

0:51:220:51:24

No can do, Gary, I dance alone.

0:51:240:51:27

Gary's off. Hits the water... and gulping for air.

0:51:320:51:37

Better keep that mouth closed, as he approaches

0:51:370:51:40

the torrents of the rapid climb.

0:51:400:51:42

Once on his feet, there's just ten seconds

0:51:420:51:45

before the tidal wave will attempt to wash him away.

0:51:450:51:48

See him cha-cha-cha all the way up this ramp.

0:51:480:51:53

He's up and the clock starts.

0:51:530:51:55

That's the first cha, second cha,

0:51:550:51:59

and the third cha.

0:51:590:52:00

Pretty quick stepping and no tidal wave for Gary, good work.

0:52:000:52:05

Onto the see-saw of truth. A cautious start.

0:52:050:52:08

His dance training must surely be a bonus here.

0:52:090:52:13

But that was fairly slow.

0:52:150:52:16

Being very cautious.

0:52:160:52:18

Remember, Gary is setting the time to beat.

0:52:180:52:20

The crazy sweeper next.

0:52:200:52:22

-Oh, he ducks.

-Come on, Gary!

0:52:220:52:24

He has certainly not got speed on his side,

0:52:240:52:27

but slow and steady could still win this race.

0:52:270:52:30

Up again, just a few steps to go

0:52:300:52:31

and the sweeper is catching up behind him.

0:52:310:52:33

He's not going to make it.

0:52:330:52:35

Oh, he's made it!

0:52:350:52:37

OK, the final phase - turntables.

0:52:370:52:39

Gary is on to the first, no problems there.

0:52:390:52:42

Apart from maybe losing his sense of direction. No, he's out.

0:52:420:52:47

Oh, that could have done it for Gary!

0:52:490:52:52

Having been so cautious around the rest of the course,

0:52:520:52:55

maybe he just rushed that last jump.

0:52:550:52:58

It's the climbing that loses them time.

0:52:580:53:01

The final leap coming up.

0:53:010:53:02

Every ounce of strength gone

0:53:020:53:04

and Gary Swayze completes the course in 2:24.

0:53:040:53:08

Swansea's answer to Swayze. Nobody puts Gary in the corner!

0:53:090:53:12

Your time was a brilliant 2:24.

0:53:120:53:16

Not bad, not bad.

0:53:160:53:17

Gary, you know what this means, yours is the time to beat

0:53:170:53:20

and Cheryl's up next. Let's watch.

0:53:200:53:22

Playing the Pain Stage of the Total Wipeout Festival, it's Cheryl.

0:53:230:53:28

KLAXON WAILS

0:53:300:53:34

Remember, Cheryl has no idea how fast Gary was.

0:53:390:53:43

All she can do is get round this as fast as she can.

0:53:430:53:46

Strong swim.

0:53:490:53:51

She emerges onto the rapid climb

0:53:510:53:53

and a ten-second tidal wave countdown begins.

0:53:530:53:58

Ooh! Fitty McFit!

0:53:580:54:00

-Yes.

-Wow! >

0:54:000:54:02

Successfully avoided the tidal wave.

0:54:020:54:05

Really not far off Gary's time at this stage.

0:54:050:54:08

Cheryl taking this faster.

0:54:090:54:11

Oh, no!

0:54:110:54:14

Get up! Back on her feet.

0:54:140:54:15

Time now to face the crazy sweeper.

0:54:150:54:17

She picks her moment, off she goes.

0:54:200:54:22

Hurry, it's catching up.

0:54:220:54:24

Oh! That was too close for comfort!

0:54:240:54:26

For the good of my health and her time,

0:54:260:54:28

she can't let that happen again. Come on!

0:54:280:54:31

Come on! Oh, no!

0:54:310:54:33

No! Tragedy!

0:54:330:54:35

I'm sure Gary's pleased with that.

0:54:350:54:37

She didn't stand a chance.

0:54:370:54:39

Absolutely knocked off her feet by the sweeper.

0:54:390:54:42

She climbs onto the turntables.

0:54:420:54:44

Cheryl's neck and neck with Gary's time.

0:54:440:54:46

If she doesn't fall, she could well beat him.

0:54:460:54:49

First jump, safely on. The hard one is the next one.

0:54:490:54:52

Here we go. Oh, no! She slipped!

0:54:530:54:55

My God, my God, my God! >

0:54:550:54:56

I don't think she can pull herself up.

0:54:560:54:58

I don't know if I can bear to watch. She's done it.

0:54:580:55:01

Just two more leaps to go,

0:55:010:55:02

but look at those clocks - the times are almost identical.

0:55:020:55:05

Great jump.

0:55:050:55:07

Gary's time was 2:24. This could not be any closer.

0:55:070:55:11

And she's done it, 2:24.

0:55:110:55:13

A draw.

0:55:130:55:14

This calls for the hallowed Total Wipeout rulebook.

0:55:140:55:19

Right, if there is a draw on a Wipeout zone,

0:55:190:55:21

for split-second accuracy,

0:55:210:55:24

go to the bloke with the really clever digital stopwatch.

0:55:240:55:27

Apparently, they've found him. In which case, it's back to Amanda.

0:55:290:55:33

I cannot believe what has happened here. This is a Total Wipeout first.

0:55:330:55:39

The fastest by 44 one hundredths of a second...

0:55:390:55:45

..is Cheryl!

0:55:480:55:50

Hard luck, Gary.

0:55:500:55:52

CROWD CHEERS

0:55:520:55:55

Well done.

0:55:550:55:57

Oh, my goodness! You couldn't write it, Cheryl.

0:55:570:56:00

I'm just so gobsmacked. That's mad, isn't it?

0:56:000:56:03

Listen, it's not over yet, Adam's up next. Let's watch.

0:56:030:56:06

I know. Thank you.

0:56:060:56:07

Adam has no idea what happened with Gary and Cheryl.

0:56:100:56:14

All he's worried about is getting the best time he can.

0:56:140:56:17

KLAXON WAILS

0:56:170:56:20

Things just got serious for the drama student.

0:56:240:56:27

Swimming against the current now to the rapid climb.

0:56:290:56:33

He told me he does not like water.

0:56:350:56:37

A fear of open water is not on the list of things I'd look for

0:56:390:56:41

in a Wipeout Zone challenger, but Adam's up and onto the rapid climb.

0:56:410:56:45

Will he beat the tidal wave?

0:56:450:56:48

Looking good. Oh, yes, smooth run so far.

0:56:480:56:50

The seesaw of truth now.

0:56:500:56:53

Taking his time getting onto it,

0:56:530:56:55

but rushing into it rarely pays dividends.

0:56:550:56:58

Surely some of Adam's circus skills will be handy here.

0:56:590:57:02

Inches towards the tipping moment.

0:57:020:57:04

There it is, he's still on.

0:57:040:57:06

Oh! Oh, no, he's safe. Adam needs to pick up the pace now,

0:57:080:57:11

if he's going to beat 2:24.

0:57:110:57:13

He's off. It's a good run.

0:57:130:57:16

An early duck, but he's quickly back up and running again.

0:57:160:57:19

This is looking good.

0:57:190:57:21

But that sweeper arm is catching up fast.

0:57:210:57:25

He's beaten it, just!

0:57:250:57:26

If Adam can make these turntables,

0:57:270:57:29

I think he's in with a shot at that title.

0:57:290:57:31

It's a good first jump.

0:57:310:57:33

Whoa!

0:57:330:57:35

Careful not to get disorientated here. He's made it across!

0:57:350:57:37

Just one turntable to go, and his time is nearing two minutes.

0:57:370:57:40

Come on, Adam.

0:57:400:57:42

One final jump, can he do it?

0:57:420:57:44

Do not fall now.

0:57:440:57:47

Yes! The clock stops at 1:55.

0:57:470:57:51

And what a fantastic start to the new series that's been.

0:57:510:57:54

Come on out, little fella. How are you doing?

0:57:560:57:58

Fantastic.

0:57:580:58:00

God got me through that completely.

0:58:000:58:02

It is a competition and only one of you can win,

0:58:020:58:04

only one of you can pick up this trophy.

0:58:040:58:07

So take this trophy from me now,

0:58:070:58:08

the Total Wipeout champion tonight is Adam!

0:58:080:58:11

Hard luck, Cheryl.

0:58:130:58:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:58:150:58:18

So Adam Parker, the 21-year-old performing arts student

0:58:180:58:22

from Nottingham is today's Total Wipeout champion.

0:58:220:58:24

And it's not just the trophy he wins.

0:58:240:58:27

Adam also gets £10,000 in cool, hard cash.

0:58:270:58:31

They were all out of the warm, runny cash at the bank.

0:58:310:58:34

Join me and Amanda next time. Till then, it's...

0:58:340:58:38

goodbye!

0:58:380:58:40

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