Episode 2 Total Wipeout

Warning: The following programme contains a dangerous substance

likely to cause some viewers a bad case of the sniggers.

Here's an example of what to be wary of.

No, not that sort.

Or that. Stop it!

Viewers, beware. This programme contains rubber.

20 Brits, including a trainee stunt woman, an author

and a pilot, have travelled to South America

in order to take on the world-famous Total Wipeout course.

19 will fail, but one will succeed and win £10,000. And the others...

I've got my maths wrong. There aren't any others, are there?

Let the falling off stuff commence!

MUSIC: "Mastermind" theme

Hello and welcome to Total Wipeout.

To maximise programming efficiencies, the BBC have requested

that shows share props to save on costs, hence the Mastermind chair.

I know it's not an ideal height, but then again, it is much softer

than the rubbish plywood stool I normally have to sit on.

For an hour. Actually, this is brilliant.

So, from the comfort of this lovely chair, it's time to...

-BEEP

-I've started, so I'll finish...

..time to find out what the contestants face today.

It goes both ways, look.

The Qualifier. More new stuff. Brilliant.

Double Cross.

I still don't know how it works, but it is brilliant.

Terror-go-round.

Technically terrifying and therefore brilliant.

And the Wipeout Zone.

I'll level with you, it's never been more brilliant-er.

John Humphrys needed his chair back,

which means someone needs to go and fetch my stool back

from Cash In The Attic, if you wouldn't mind?

Anyway, time to see what Amanda's up to at the top of the course.

This is Robin, a 41-year-old vicar from Wales. He's seen the light.

# I'm gonna lay down my burdens... #

And now I've seen a man of the clergy dancing in lycra.

Enlighten us, Robin.

What skills do you possess that can guide you

around this unholy Qualifier of ours?

Well, I've taught myself the challenge of escaping

from various things - handcuffs, chains, straitjackets.

You're like a holy Houdini.

It's the first time I've heard it put like that, but, yeah.

How did he do that? Wow!

Bring on the obstacles. Do not let me fail.

I want to take them on and win. I'm the vicar from Wales.

-You see, it rhymed!

-# Yes, I gotta have faith... #

Right, he's off. Gingerly, but off.

-Ow.

-Hallelujah!

She's not going to worry Katherine Jenkins with that voice.

Time for a new obstacle.

This is the Doorstep Challenge.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Three giant hammers, two of which are hinged to do this.

Contestants choose a door to open, hoping there's nothing behind it.

Or else, it says here, it's Hammer Time! Oh, no.

So, will Robin pick the hammer-less door?

No! Well, it works.

# Knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door... #

Shame the Lord didn't guide him to the middle door.

Or luck, or anything else.

Still, we benefit.

# Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven's door... #

So, now onto the new Sucker Punch,

with added paint effects.

Hopefully the man of the cloth will avoid a Jackson Pollocking.

Here we go. He's on.

Paint everywhere. Oh.

Holy Robin's wholly in the mud.

MUSIC: Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin

Robin on the stairway to Hell, also known as the ramp to the Big Balls.

Lost some of his vicarly dignity now.

And if he doesn't feel quite like jumping then there's

the new Motivator, which hasn't been set off so far this series.

Maybe today's the day? Could be. Keep me happy if it is.

Have faith, Robin. Yes.

Ow. Oh, dear.

-# Rockin' Robin... #

-You could call that a faith plant.

# Blow, rockin' robin

# Cos we're really gonna rock it tonight... #

# Jubilate, everybody

# Serve the Lord in all your ways, and

# Come before His presence singing... #

-Do you need me to go on?

-Yeah, why not? I'm loving this!

# Enter now His courts with praise. #

So, now rockin' Robin faces a ladder climb to the final obstacle.

It's the mind-bending, head-spinning,

melon-twisting Shape Shifter.

# Round like a circle in a spiral

# Like a wheel within a wheel... #

Only today, they've added a zip line and they're now calling it

the Shape Shifting Zippy Mill.

The contestants must launch themselves into

one of the three shaped holes without falling into the water,

before timing a jump to the finishing podium.

If they fall, it's the obligatory swim and climb

before the clock is stopped.

It requires timing, precision and oodles of luck.

Can Robin pull off a miracle?

# Hallelujah... #

He's going to do it. He is going to do it!

He's not done it. No.

Rockin' Robin finishes the course in a saintly 2:45.

# Hallelujah, hallelujah

# Hallelujah, hallelujah, halle-lujah... #

The whole thing goes on for about five minutes

and takes four parts, so I won't finish it.

But that's how I'm feeling right now. Hallelujah, it's over!

This is 45-year-old life coach Lynn from Somerset.

Now, will you be achieving your full potential

out there on that monstrous course today, Lynn?

-I'm hoping so, Amanda. With a bit of luck and a following wind...

-PFFT!

I'm really hoping so.

-I hope you don't mean you...

-No, no.

Now, much like Total Wipeout,

windy Lynn teaches positivity to people who don't like smiling.

Might this help with the Doorstep Challenge?

Open the door, smile.

No, it didn't. Didn't at all.

Lucky those door handles are only stuck on with

sticky-back plastic because she took it with her.

# I hear you knocking

# But you can't come in... #

Windy Lynn to the Big Balls. Be positive, Lynn. Coach them!

Yes!

Ooh. I've never seen that before.

Oh, Lynn doesn't fall, she gently reclines into the water.

Windy Lynn clocks up a respectable 2:59.

-I did it!

-What, what did you do, Lynn?

-Come on out.

-Like a drowned rat.

PFFT!

-Oh, excuse me.

-Oh, that's what you did. Gotcha.

-Hello, hello, hello.

-This is policeman Ant.

-Anyone can get in the force these days!

-Stop! Police!

This is my crime scene, you'd better lock this course down.

# Woop-woop, that's the sound of the police... #

Police, camera, action. Oh, he's gone.

Oh, Ant just got Dec-ed!

Oh, dear. Amanda's punned too early.

She should have saved that one for the Sucker Punch.

She's just...it's peaked.

Anyway, Doorstep Challenge time.

Will Antspector deduce which door is hammer-free?

Oh, Antspector's ripped of the handles.

I think that's an offence, isn't it?

What's he doing now?

Is this Morris dancing? That's another offence!

Anyway, Ant on the Sucker Punch. Wait for it... Wait for it...

Look and learn, Amanda. Ant got Dec-ed! Oh yeah.

MUSIC: "The Bill" theme

See, Amanda, it's about choosing your moment.

Don't sacrifice timing for the sake of getting there first.

So, will this bobby on the beat be able to bounce across the Balls?

Here we go. One, two, three, woah!

Bobby's bobbing in the water.

Good work!

Antspector is about to take on the Shape-Shifting Zippy Mill.

I think he's charging the triangle with intent...

Oh. Not enough evidence.

Ant's come the closest so far,

except he wasn't actually that close, really, was he?

It's difficult!

So Antspector completes the Qualifier

in a pretty good 2:12. Case closed.

# Woop-woop, that's the sound of the police... #

I do believe that was a particularly special constable

performance from you!

Yeah.

Yeah. Ooh.

AMANDA LAUGHS

Yeah.

22-year-old Faye from Wiltshire likes climbing mountains.

Probably not like that.

I've done the Three Peaks Challenge,

now it's time for the Big Red Balls Challenge!

Faye's done the Three Peaks, but how about the Four Balls?

Ooh, three-ish.

Quick, call in Mountain Rescue, submarine division.

Dogs with snorkels.

# Cos, baby, there ain't no mountain high enough... #

And so, the peaks of the Red Balls remain unconquered so far today.

Do balls have peaks, though?

No.

Peaky Faye prepares for her assault on the Zippy Mill.

There she goes.

Yes, here we go! Looking good.

Ye... Oh.

That expedition didn't last long.

Faye went for the mountain-shaped window.

I'm calling that one the Matterhorn.

Faye reaches the summit in 3:25.

SHE CHEERS

Ooh, think she's happy.

But what's this guy come dressed as?

Oh, this is heavy-metaller Marc from Loughborough.

Now, I love a mosh as much as the next girl

and probably as much as our next contestant.

It's Marc from Loughborough. Are you ready to rock, Marc?

I'm always ready to rock! I was born to rock.

-This is my thing, this is what I do.

-Go on.

Oh, bandana down. Nice hair, though. Glossy.

Now, do you impress the ladies by biting the heads off bats and stuff?

No, I only impress one lady. My wife.

What kind of stuff do you do?

I've taken her to Lincoln for a weekend for her birthday.

Ah, Lincoln. Paris of the Fens.

We who are about to rock salute you!

Yeahhhh!

And Marc rocks off.

Knee skate, awesome!

Slow, but awesome. Oooh.

Metal Marky now on the Balls.

Oh, ow. Wet as a weekend in Lincoln.

Oh, dear.

# Hey, hey, I wanna be a rock star... #

Zippy Mill, now. Here we go.

Yes! Oh, headbanger!

Metal Marky finishes the Qualifier in the fastest time so far.

Yeah, mosh on.

-That just looks silly.

-Ooh.

I've absolutely no idea what he's doing. Is he choking?

Get a doctor. He's choking.

This is communications manager and pie lover Paul, from South London.

Who ate all the pies? I don't know.

-Maybe the answer's on the back of his shirt?

-What?!

And he's off!

Oh, that's a charge and a half.

Oh, right in the steak and kidneys.

Yes, keep going.

Oh, a little slip.

Not on an obstacle - making his way to one.

It's time for Paul's Doorstep Challenge.

Knock, knock. Who's there? A massive hammer?

No, hang on. Hang on! Look at that.

Remarkable. Four tons of hammer is no match for pie lover Paul.

He's stopped it in its tracks.

This man is invincible.

Come on, Paul Pie!

Time to make mincemeat out of the Big Balls

then wrap them in pastry and pop them in the oven for 30 minutes.

Here we go!

Oh. Ooh. Ow.

Final obstacle now.

Pie man, meet Pie-thagoras' Theorem.

Basically, the circumference of a circle

can be divided equally using pies.

Any sort will do,

but if you're pie-shaped, best try for the round hole.

It's bigger.

Come on, Paul Pie, you can do this!

He's not done it at all.

Yeah, shouldn't have taken my advice.

That was your mistake, fella.

# Bye, bye, Miss American Pie... #

Paul gets two feet through but two feet does not an entire body make.

# Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry... #

Sadly, the mystery of who ate all the pies will never be solved

but Paul Pie finishes in 4:44.

-I've done it!

-He admits it. He did eat all the pies, he's confessed.

Time to take a look at the first leader board of the day.

Metal Marky's headbanging in first place.

Antspector and Rockin' Robin in second and third.

Windy Lynn takes fourth, followed by Peaky Faye and finally, Paul Pie.

Now, it is time for a special Total Wipeout first.

Because, for the first time ever,

a bird spotter is about to take on the Total Wipeout course.

It's not a biggy, but it's a first!

And you can maybe tell your kids you were there,

unless your kids are there next to you, in which case they'll see it...

Just watch the bird spotter getting wet.

Now, you don't often see one of these.

A Cornish birdwatcher in Argentina.

Must have flown south for the winter.

This is twitcher Miranda.

Beautiful songbird watcher. Yeah.

Miranda's favourite bird is the long-tailed tit. Fascinating.

Which door will it be? That's more to the point.

Here we go.

Oh, lucky Miranda!

Yeah, I didn't get smacked in the face!

Yeah, don't talk too soon, the Sucker Punch is next.

Here we go. Oh, straight off.

-Oh, I'm in the mud!

-Yes, you are.

You are in the mud. I've just spotted a mud warbler,

a common species on this course. We see a lot of them.

Out of the mud and on to the Balls.

Oh, the Motivator's finally sprung into action and...

Oh. Splash! Bird bath.

Oh, my gosh!

Final obstacle for twitching Miranda now.

Come on, you can do this. For us, please. We want to see it done.

Here we go... Duck! Duck!

Don't swallow when you're in that water, it's not good.

Twitching Miranda finally flies home to roost, onto the wrong perch.

Next to attempt the Qualifier is author Damian.

Where is he? Where's he gone?

Oh, there he is! Yeah.

Apologies, I have to ask you - do you, um...

do you write short stories?

Yeah, I'm an author. Been a writer since a young age.

I think that went right over his head.

# But he's got high hopes

# He's got high hopes... #

Listen, if you could write a short story about the course in,

like, one sentence, what would it be?

Total Wipeout is just crazy.

I liked the beginning. The end wasn't great.

Or the middle. Otherwise, riveting. Good stuff!

I'm Little D, I may be small but I've got a big imagination. Let's go!

Here we go.

# Boom shaka laka, all the people, they want... #

Again, a reminder - this isn't an obstacle, this is kind of the start.

OK, you can totally ignore the top row of fists,

-they're irrelevant for him.

-HE LAUGHS

Oh, shame about the middle row.

Right on the schnoz.

# He's got high hopes... #

Oh, that's deep mud for diddy Damian.

He's out and onto the Big Balls, which is just massive for him.

Oh, mind your step.

Do I hear the patter of tiny feet?

One, two, buckle my shoe.

That's going to hurt. Yeah.

Well, no, slip between the water molecules and it'll be fine.

Diddy Damian makes a final surge for the podium

and finishes in a very respectable 2:58.

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone... #

No, that's it.

As it is Saturday night,

I've invited some friends over for a party.

Hello, friend.

But I'm not the only party animal here tonight.

The next three competitors are 24-hour party people.

Right, can only the people who are my actual friends stay?

Everyone else can go, all right?

Well, you stayed.

So, here are the party animals.

Party on.

And all of that.

First, budding fashionista Fiona, from London.

Total Wipeout is so last season!

Yeah, that from a lady in leopard.

Next is Cam, who's mad for it.

My name is Cam.

I might get flustered and flappy but can I do it?

-Yes, I can!

-Or maybe just a bit mad...

Finally, it's student nurse Helen,

who's always first on the dance floor.

And last.

-Do I have to keep going?

-No, but it is funny.

Helen's first to the Doorstep Challenge.

Who's coming to her house party?

Yep, MC Hammer's coming.

-HE LAUGHS

-I love this one.

Right in the face!

Fashionista Fiona's next.

Ooh, right in the winter collection.

She does like to start the party with a bang and she did.

And a splash.

# I've never kissed a goon

# But I can shake a chicken in the middle of the room

# Let's have a party... #

So, how will party Cam fare at the big bash?

Bash! That boy certainly knows how to get down.

You see? No.

This party's getting messy!

There we go, Big Balls!

Ooh. Ooh. Oh, my Lord!

He nearly made it.

Still, three balls.

That's impressive.

Havin' it large Helen on the Balls now.

Here we go.

Ooh. It's getting lively out there.

# But I can shake a chicken in the middle of the room

# Let's have a party... #

Fashionista Fiona now.

Can she out-style the Big Red Balls?

No. Not in those shoes.

So, end of the night for Fiona, she zips...

She swings...

And ends up sort of hanging around like an unwanted guest.

Can Cam be the first to conquer the Zippy Mill?

No, not even close.

At all.

It's time for Helen to throw some funky shapes.

Or herself at some funky shapes.

# Ooh! Let's have a party... #

Fiona still hanging on for the after party.

SHE SCREAMS

Party Cam is first to finish the party.

She may be fashion first,

but Fashionista Fiona's second to finish.

And Having It Large Helen brings up the rear.

Well, that was a great party, guys. Great party. I loved it.

This is Adam. He is 50 years old and he's that classic combination

of prison manager and competitive gymnast. Meet them a lot.

HE GROWLS

Remember, don't try this at home, or on an office chair with wheels.

HE ROARS

Best shout out of the day, that. Well, just a shout, wasn't it?

Alan has spent 27 years behind bars. I mean working behind bars.

The sucker punch takes no prisoners though.

That's a criminal performance.

Yes, it was!

Shows no respect for prison managers either.

Alan has already shown me what he can do with a chair.

Time to see his ball work.

Oh, good start!

Oh, stick with chairs.

Alan is a British Masters gold-winning gymnast,

so he should be able to squeeze through the Zippy Mill.

Here we go. Ooh!

It is tricky, isn't it?

It's all over.

50-year-old Bendy Alan stops the clock at 2:19.

Let's see how that affects the leaderboard.

So, Metal Marcy holds onto his lead, with Party Cam coming in second.

Bendy Alan makes fourth, with Fashionista Fiona close behind.

In seventh, it's Diddy Damien. Peaky Faye in ninth.

At the bottom, Having It Large Helen manages to beat Paul Pie.

It's a tough course

and that Zippy Mill is really causing a lot of problems.

Luckily, the next competitor is a stunt woman.

I've never worked with stunt men or women before,

because I do all my own stunts.

You know, stuff like unexpectedly getting hit by a ball.

Go on, throw the ball.

I said, "Throw the ball". It's time. Do it now.

Ow!

I wasn't ready. Anyway, here's the stuntwoman.

I think I've detached my retina. It's come off, it's come off.

No, it's just a bit of fluff. It's still there. It's OK.

This is 24-year-old Amanda from Burgess Hill.

Finally, a real pro.

Well, she's a trainee stuntwoman.

She's a first year, isn't she?

Move aside, boys. I ain't no Barbie girl.

I have muscles of steel and I ain't afraid to use them.

SHE SCREAMS

I'm not moving aside, you go round me!

And Amanda's off. Yes!

And in.

Doorstep Challenge. She goes for door one, no, door two.

Door two. Oh! Ooh! Good choice. Sadly, no stunts yet. Come on.

Onto the Big Balls. These would be ideal for stunting.

I want to see a stunt. Here we go.

One, two, splits and in.

Yes. there's some stunt swimming there, look.

Thank goodness she's a stunt woman, or that could really have hurt.

OK, Amanda. Positions. Camera rolling,

everybody watching, and action!

Cut. You did it completely wrong.

I think she should've kept the receipt for that stunt school she went to, don't you?

It's horrible.

So, Stunty Amanda finishes in an impressive 1:57

-and with a couple more stunts to add to her CV.

-That's hard!

Meet Ashley from Nottingham. He's looking good. Cool.

I'm betting he's got some pretty sweet moves. Yeah!

-Ashley, what's with the T-shirt, dude?

-It's especially for you.

It's FBI, Female Body Inspector.

So he doesn't work for the FBI, he works in IT.

I bet the ladies don't know that, do they?

Knackered.

What other skills you have got hiding under that there T-shirt, Ashley, eh?

I also do a good Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

-Really?

-Yes.

POOR IMPERSONATION: What are you doing? Get to the chopper now!

These men are trying to kill us.

DRAMATIC DRUMROLL

My Canons are locked and loaded, ready to let loose, come on!

OK. Oh well, if that's Ashley letting loose,

I'd hate to see him let rip. What's with the hands there?

He'll regret that when he sees it.

Will the Doorstep Challenge be cruel or kind?

-I'm kind of hoping cruel, obviously. Oh, kind. Wow!

-Yes!

After a slow-ish start,

this could end up being a really quick run from Arnie-ish Ashley.

Onto the balls now. Here we go. Good jump, good jump.

Ooh, great twist!

That was so not cool.

A 450 degree spin off the third ball.

Consider him terminated, I'm afraid.

# I'll be surprised

# I'll be surprised. #

So far, so good.

This is a quick time but next, the shape-shifting Zippy Mill.

And he's going for the circle.

Oh! Quick, get to the... What was it? Chopper now?

I can't do the impression. You know what I mean. He's fallen off.

Arnie-ish Ashley reaches the finish in 2:01,

which isn't bad so I suppose... he'll be back.

Now, there are literally billions of languages spoken around the world.

But there's one common language here on Total Wipeout.

No, not Argentinian.

I'm talking about the international language of falling off stuff.

SCREAMING VOICES

Yes, it's music to my ears.

So the next batch of contestants

bring their own unique vocal qualities to the qualifier.

Originally from Germany and now representing Worthing,

it's 43-year-old Birgit.

I'm the iceberg.

What you see of it is just the tip of it. I'm going to chill you out.

Wunderbar! Yes. Oh, I see.

This is language therapy student Becky from Scotland.

My name's Becky, I'm from Scotland and I'm here to och aye the noo!

I don't know what that means, but it certainly is Scottish.

Meet dance fanatic and generally excitable Essex girl, Christie.

I do a little bit of dancing, yes.

I've done a bit of salsa dancing, tap dancing, ballet dancing,

jazz dancing, done a bit of Ceroc in the past,

a little bit of Latin, Rumba, cha-cha-cha, I don't know, I can't think of any more!

I've done them all. All of them.

Yes. Not the bogle then? Oh well.

And all the way from Wales, it's 36-year-old farmer Anna.

That's a pretend tractor she's driving there and driving it well.

# Old Macdonald had a farm... #

MAKES TRACTOR NOISES

# And with a cluck cluck here...#

And she communicates in the language of authentic animal impersonations.

MAKES PIG NOISES

SHE BARKS

I think she just said, "I hope I win."

-You're taking the mick now, aren't you?

-No, this is serious stuff.

I'm no lean, mean fitness machine, but I'm full of...

SHE SQUAWKS

She sounds confident.

Here we go. Yes. Slow, getting faster. Getting fast gravity.

Oh, that's quite a splash.

Have you got some tactics in mind then?

I'll be very quick on my feet.

Any minute now, IceBirgit will be quick on her feet.

Any minute she'll be quick... any minute now.

OK, for Scotland, here's Becky.

Ooh-oh, she och aye'd herself right in the noo! Oh, that will hurt!

Becky to the doorstep.

Becky on the doormat...

and off it.

Will Anna Tractor guess right?

Door number three... No!

As a farmer, she's no stranger to bogs. She'll be OK in there.

May need the tractor to get out, though.

Sucker punch now.

Going to need the tractor again.

So what can Becky do?

Oh, dead arm that was. That's... Oh!

Birgit's turn...

Right in the Birgit! Yep.

-Also you can say that I stand no nonsense.

-Ooh.

Yes.

Oh, the Demotivator pops up...

And Birgit pops down.

OK, Dancing Christie now...

Dances past the Demotivator...

and then straight off the Balls.

And now using the language of the face plant.

Agh...

OK, Christie now to Zippy Mill.

Christie...water. Oh, dear.

SHE MOANS

-Dancy Christie finishes in 3:04.

-Well done!

Och Aye The Becky reaches the end just one second slower.

And IceBirgit arrives home in 3:55.

Woo!

Finally, Anna Tractor completes the course in 5:38.

COCKEREL CROWS

This is George. He's 43, he's an airline pilot.

He is sure to defeat the qualifier with maturity and composure...

..or maybe not.

And what might your strategy be, Captain George?

I'm going to fly across just like Buzz Lightyear.

Falling with style.

FOGHORN

I get the feeling Flappy George isn't taking this seriously.

He's a pilot? Which airline? They look fun, I want to fly with them.

-Fly, George, fly!

-Yes, preparing for take-off...

That's not going to help, you know that, don't you?

Here we go. Oh, yeah...

bit of an emergency landing there.

# Cos I'm leaving on a jet plane

# Don't know when I'll be back again... #

Argh!

Flappy George requesting permission to land.

Oh. He's presumably waiting for an available slot,

that happens when they get busy, see. He's in a holding pattern. Oh!

Flappy George finishes in 2:40.

To infinity and beyond!

-How old is he?

-He's 43...

-Signing off.

-..going on six.

The last contestant is research scientist Alasdair.

Is it OK?

Yeah.

In the immortal words of Albert Einstein, "This is going to hurt!"

Yeah, well, he knew his stuff, did old Albert. So off goes Alasdair.

Will he be smart enough to pick the right door when he gets there?

He's not wearing those boffin glasses,

that could be a deciding factor, actually.

RICHARD LAUGHS

He opened the right door, just not very well,

ripped the handles off, fell in the moat.

Onto the thinking man's wall of fists.

It's also the stupid man's wall of fists. It's just a wall of fists.

But he's doing very well. He's across! Oh, I like this guy.

I'm not allowed favourites, but he's my favourite.

HE SHOUTS UNINTELLIGIBLY

-Yes, yeah!

-Waahh!

Oh, you see!

That's what an Oxford education gets you - comic timing.

Zippy Mill, this is a very fast run so far.

Oh, yes! Definitely my favourite, if I had a favourite.

He has landed, the first and only of the day.

The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.

-He's done it!

-Yes! I thank you.

In an unbelievable 1:25.

# I am the champion... #

My favourite, Alasdair. What a hero!

I mean, he's great. He can actually do this.

So, my favourite Alasdair takes that top spot,

with Stunty Amanda in second and Metal Marcy in third.

They're followed by Arnie-ish Ashley, Party Cam and Ant Spector.

Further down, Flappy George flies into eighth and,

just scraping through in final place is Windy Lynn.

After Alasdair's amazing run, I'm feeling so happy

I don't think anything could bring my mood down,

even saying a cheery goodbye to those contestants who didn't quite make it through to the next round

but had a brilliant day anyway. So, let's give them

a good old-fashioned classic Total Wipeout party send-off.

Great!

# I don't need no carryin' on

# Because you had a bad day

# You had a bad day

# You had a bad day

# You had a bad day

# Because you had a bad day

# You had a bad day

# You had a bad day

# You had a bad day ... #

SHE SCREAMS

This is Double Cross.

The 12 remaining contestants can only jump onto the green gangways

to reach the centre, whilst avoiding the massive sweeping cross.

Should they try and crawl under the massive sweeping cross,

they must return to the beginning. Once in the centre,

they can only exit on the red gangway,

again trying to avoid the massive, sweeping cross.

The first six competitors to reach the finish

go through to the next round. Did I mention the massive sweeping cross?

I did? Good. Right, time for a reminder of the 12 double crosses.

King on the qualifier, it's my favourite, Alasdair.

-Hickory-dickery-dock, I'm about to fall off this clock!

-Genius as well.

She likes a good trip, it's Stunty Amanda.

Watch out, guys, these guns are still in the game.

Third fastest in the last round, it's moshing Metal Marcy.

And Arnie-ish Ashley.

I'm the king. I'm the boss. I own this course!

Yeah, not legally. Then there's Party Cam, Ant Spector.

-I was listening to that one. Damn it!

-And Bendy Alan.

Next up, Flappy George.

Give it up for the champion!

Yeah, I wish he'd grow up a BIT, maybe. Then, Fashionista Fiona.

How fashionable(!) And, completing the line-up are Rockin' Robin.

The vigorous vicar vaults for victory!

Diddy Damien.

A little nervous.

And, bringing up the rear, Windy Lynn.

-I just keep trying!

-PHRRT!

Not-not too hard.

12 plucky contestants.

That's far too many plucky contestants for my liking,

so let's lose a few. It's Double Cross.

-Are you all ready?

-Yes!

Ignorance is bliss. Three, two, one.

-FOGHORN

-So, the Double Crosses begin to spin.

Come on. Who will be brave enough to start things going?

No-one.

-Like horses at the gate.

-Yeah, pretty weird horserace.

And Cam hits the gangway first...

and falls first.

Here's Alasdair, and he's got to the middle of the crosses!

Amazing.

Remember, he can only exit using the red gangway, so timing is key.

Alan looking keen, but oh, dear, no good.

There goes Marc.

Oh, no. Here's Amanda...

Oh! Amanda gets Double Crossed.

That's the catch phrase, get used to it.

Right, Ashley's turn...

to fall in. Alasdair somehow managing to keep his head

with all the chaos around him.

Like Fiona falling over.

Looks like he's ready to go for it now,

he's running and yes!

Alasdair crosses Double Cross. First attempt, as well.

Great balance, great timing. My favourite Alasdair

is through to the next round without even getting wet.

Probably not even sweating, even slightly.

Now, Cam's reached the centre.

Can he emulate Alasdair's success?

Ant's joined him. Very cosy in the middle now.

As bodies drop all over the place, Cam lines himself up for a dash.

He's off... Oh, I mean I really off.

Oh, dear. Party Cam must be pretty mad right now.

Ant has been joined by Marc in the middle.

And now Ashley's going for it.

Hang on, who's that? Doesn't matter. Three in the middle.

It's rammed on there, with all of them waiting on the red exit arm

to line up. They've got to time their run to perfection

as well as keep their balance.

Oh, Metal Marcy losing his balance.

Oh, and he's off!

So, looks like Ant will be next to hit the red gangway.

He is...

but he's down. So close, but it's back to the start for Ant.

Bendy Alan preparing to bend.

Wow!

If that's what they call a nose dive... Ow!

Showing us all his best bendy moves(!)

Ashley's being very patient.

He's onto the red gangway now,

and he's done it! Ish...

He hasn't actually... He's got to hit the target. He's done that.

Now he has. Arnie-ish Ashley joins Alasdair in the next round.

Flappy George...

has a little flap...

and a fall. But look, Metal Marcy's back in the centre.

Now who's this?

That's Cam. And so's he! They've both been here before.

Here's Diddy Damien... He's off.

Marc starts his run...same outcome.

Stunty Amanda makes an appearance.

She's made it to the middle, both of them now

wait for that red gangway to line up.

Ant joins the party in the middle.

Oh, few other fallers but those three looking good in the middle.

Cam's off, looking good, he's there!

Yes!

So that's three across, three places remaining.

Back to the action.

Bendy Alan. Another attempt...

and another wipeout.

Ant can't exit on the green gangway

and has to take a fall.

Stunty Amanda,

runs for it, mistimes it.

Meanwhile, Damien's just getting mashed.

Lynn wants a piece of the action.

-Oh, dear.

-SHE SCREAMS

Seems positive thinking is really no match for a giant sweeping cross.

Here's Marc again. To the centre once more.

George.

Oh, another miss!

Alan tries to join him.

Doing it the hard way.

Getting ground down by the crosses.

Somehow Bendy Alan hangs on.

Oh, well, he did for a bit.

Now here goes Metal Marcy and he's there!

-Yeah!

-Marc rocks his way into the next round.

Yeah!

So, now there are just two places up for grabs.

Amanda joins Ant in the middle.

Both of them trying to manoeuvre into position...

Ant goes for it.

And Ant Spector is...

across! Just one place remaining now, battling for it... Oh.

Amanda, Fiona, Robin,

George, Lynn, Alan and Damien.

Amanda wants that place to be hers.

Here we go... No!

So nearly through, but she got totally Double Crossed.

I told you that's the catch phrase.

Alan's next to bid for the final place, he's in the middle.

And now Robin's with him too.

And now Damien. It's like Piccadilly Circus in the middle.

Who will make a run for it first?

The stakes are high now. Alan making his bid for victory...

Back to the start!

The other two, not so confident.

Now Amanda joins them.

No-one wants to commit to the exit. I don't blame them, really.

Hang on.

Damien sprints for glory. Don't hesitate!

He's down. Alan makes it three in the middle again.

The red gangway swings into place. Who will it be?

Alan takes advantage.

-He's through. Game over!

-Yes!

Finally!

And so we have the six Double Crossers. Phew!

So Alasdair, Ashley, Cameron, Marc, Ant and Alan

have all secured their places in the next round.

However, the other six, whose names I don't need to remember any more

because they've been eliminated, have been eliminated.

It's now time to take a moment to remember those eliminated eliminees

whose names I'm no longer required to remember.

Yeah, I was so close. It's horrible.

I'm really deflated now.

I can't jump over it, cos I'm not tall enough, but hey. So life goes.

I was beginning to get a strategy towards the end,

it was all too late. Should've flapped my wings,

maybe that would've helped a bit better.

It seemed to be that I was wearing some platform heels,

because as I stepped on, I stepped back off.

I watched everybody else thwacking into the middle

and eventually got my confidence up to go, and then I got whacked too.

Was God on my side? Well, I like to think he was on everyone's side.

I don't claim a monopoly for being able to ask for divine help.

It just wasn't my day.

The last six contestants must stay on their feet

while standing on this giant spinning cone.

To make things tricky, the terror twins are on hand

to throw silly things at them whilst jumping this, the Fickle Fingers.

If they fall off, they lose. If they fall backwards, they lose.

If fingers knock them off...you get the picture. Last one standing

goes through to the Wipeout Zone. Then we'll have two more heats until three finalists are selected.

It's pure Wipeout genius.

Prepare to be terrified. Prepare to go around.

It's Terror-Go-Round. Are you all ready?

-ALL: Yeah!

-Dear. Three, two, one...

-FOGHORN

-So, before things get messy,

here's a quick reminder of who the go-rounders are.

There's the head-banging, hair-conditioned rock God.

We who are about to rock salute you!

Metal Marcy.

-He's a copper who might cop it.

-Hello, hello, hello.

It's Ant Spector.

Putting his flexibility to the test...

-Raaar!

-It's Bendy Alan.

Being brilliant comes naturally and he is a personal favourite.

-I thank you!

-It's my favourite, Alasdair.

Next is the least convincing action hero impersonator ever...

-"Get to the chopper now!"

-Arnie-ish Ashley.

-Agh!

-And finally, he loves a party. He loves pink.

It's Party Cam.

Prepare for Terror-Go-Round,

and this week's theme is lifeguards.

Cue the terror twins.

That's a ridiculous job they've got, that is their actual job.

Alasdair's found his way to the edge...

Bendy Alan just getting pelted. The twins are taking no prisoners.

And here come the Fickle Fingers.

Oh, carnage!

-And Cam's in.

-Cameron's first!

They all take a beating, but Cam didn't stand a chance.

Who'll be next? Alasdair? Alan?

No, it's got Metal Marcy.

Alligator, skilfully avoided, although Alan nearly wiped out.

That's a killer whale... It's got Alan. Almost out.

Oooh...

Distracted by the falling mammal, Alan knocks into the punchbags.

Oh, watch out.

With Alan out, there are only three left.

There's more room to manoeuvre now and fewer sea mammals falling.

Ant knocked into the bags,

but he recovers, amazing work.

And again.

Two down!

And again. Oh, third time unlucky.

With Ant Spector out of the way,

who will be first to land a spot in the Wipeout Zone?

My favourite Alasdair or Arnie-ish Ashley?

It's a pretty even match.

This is ridiculous, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Good.

Oh, and Alasdair's caught. He recovers.

No. No, come on!

Oh, he's gone. Actually gone.

So Ashley is through to the Wipeout Zone.

CHEERING

It's a rumble in the jungle...

except with inflatable animals and a giant roundabout...thing.

-FOGHORN

-Here we go again.

Five contestants on the Terror-Go-Round and the twins have got their toys back.

Right, fire up the Fingers.

Massive dinosaur...

Oh, the Fingers have got Cameron. And the dinosaur got Metal Marcy.

Party Cam must be mad at the Fingers, he won't be inviting them back.

And Marc won't be too chuffed with that inflatable dinosaur either.

The race to win the heat continues.

Whale alert!

Oh, not good for Bendy Alan.

He just bends round the pole, back slam and in the water.

That's a terrible way to go.

Ant and my favourite Alasdair, come on, Alastair...

-and Ant, obviously both.

-ALASDAIR:

-Thank you!

Alasdair gets a fetching hat. It looks good.

They're both in trouble now.

-Ooh, that was close!

-Ahhhh!

Oh, Alasdair clears it but Ant...

No, the policeman is off

-into the abyss.

-Alasdair wins the day!

Alasdair is through to the Wipeout Zone.

So, this is it, only one of these four can stay in the competition.

Ant looks a bit tense there.

-FOGHORN

-Terror twin o'clock. Dolphin!

Life-ring. Whale!

Alan gets towelled. But they're all very focused.

Cam dangerously near the back.

Now the Fingers. Who's going to be first off?

Watch out!

-Unbelievable, three in a row!

-AMANDA SCREAMS

And as if by magic...

Game over and Bendy Alan is through to the Wipeout Zone.

CHEERING

And so an incredibly short final heat,

but the Terror-Go-Round is very good at its job,

taking out Ant, Cam and Metal Marcy in one fell swoop.

They all look extremely tired.

Cam's party days are over, but boy, did he party.

Ant has been a strong contender,

but unfortunately his investigations end here.

And finally, Marc's got a long mosh back home to Loughborough.

Such a sad moment. But let's look ahead to the three finalists.

They've grasped the nettle and I'd like to share with them some words that've always inspired me.

In life, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Put them in the fridge, they'll last longer.

And it's better to give than to receive,

unless it's a verruca.

Fitting and wise words, I think you'll agree.

Right, then, time for the three heroes.

Today has been amazing fun. It was brilliant to get a chance

'to bounce on the Red Balls.' Argh!

My expectation was just to come here and have fun and now this is serious.

'I'm going to be so up for this.' Ah, yes!

There's people who didn't expect me to get this far, because I'm young,

I'm fit. I hope I've impressed some of the ladies at home.

For me, the tortoise and the hare.

I'm the tortoise, but I think I can give these youngsters a run for their money.

I'm not doing it for the money, but obviously money is nice

and I've got my eye on this amazing shed I want to buy.

-Is it OK?

-Alasdair, wow, he's got some tricks up his sleeve, definite.

I'm very lucky to get through qualifying, I think. If I hadn't

got through the Shapeshifter, it would've been different. 'Thank you!'

Ash on the other hand, he's a lot younger.

-And I don't know how he'll handle the pressure.

-I'll be so gutted if I don't win.

Alan has done amazingly to get this far. He's a tough guy.

He's got the muscles, he's got the big body and the back,

but I think he's past his sell-by date.

We'll see. He might have to eat his words.

This ain't enough just being here. I want to go all the way.

I'm going to go at this final full-on. No ducking,

no stooping, just run all the way.

I definitely know I can win this. 100%, without a doubt.

My determination, guts and drive have got me to where I am.

They've only got to make one mistake and they're down.

HE LAUGHS

The Wipeout Zone - an age-old challenge.

First, an old favourite, Killer Surf.

Then an old friend, the Rapid Climb.

Followed by a pair of old chums, the Seesaw Of Truth

and the Crazy Sweeper. And finally, a new acquaintance,

the Pillars Of No Return. Then back to the old school,

a leap to press the button and stop the clock.

-Ah, the good old days.

-Alan, Alasdair and Ashley.

It's a triple A. But who's battery will last the longest?

It's the Wipeout Zone, and Alan is the first to brave it.

Prison manager and all-round bendy man Alan takes his place.

Death or glory! FOGHORN

Er, yeah, glory, please, we're only insured for that.

Wow, he's really overshot!

The clock is ticking and he's facing the wrong way.

Right, he's found the Rapid Climb.

Come on, not a good start. Pulls himself up...

Ish, I think. Is he? Yes.

Soon as he's on, the countdown begins.

If he's not quick, he'll be pummelled by a tidal wave.

But that's quick.

And he's made it,

onto the Seesaw Of Truth now,

very important that he remembers my advice from before and doesn't fall.

Good control...

CHEERING

Yeah, well, you may cheer, but Alan's only halfway across.

Crazy Sweeper now. Oh, a casual run.

He'll need to keep the pace up if he wants to stay on his feet.

This is close. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry!

Nearly! Nearly!

Pillars Of No Return next. First leap.

Second leap... No!

-N-n-n-n-n-no!

-Pull yourself up! He's...

I think he's got a grip. Yes, he has.

He's so close, but that's cost him valuable seconds. Third leap...

Still not fallen yet, just one jump to go.

And press the button!

Press the button, press it!

Yes, he's done it. And in a pretty impressive time too.

That is going to be tough to beat. Over to Amanda.

CHEERING

What do you reckon the prisoners would've made of that performance?

Oh, they'll love it.

I can tell you that they'll be pretty happy with your time tonight,

which was a speedy 1:29!

That's not bad, that's not bad.

I think the other two might have the edge, but who knows?

This is the Wipeout, who knows?

And I'll tell you what, we'll find out, because Alasdair's up next.

-Hey, Sammy, Daddy's going to do a massive slap bomb!

-A what?

Maybe I'm better off not asking.

FOGHORN

Right, off sets my favourite Alasdair.

Remember, he doesn't know how well Alan did,

so he's just going to be going as fast as he possibly can.

And that is quite fast.

Alasdair swimming to the Rapid Climb.

Heaves himself up and onto the slope. And the countdown begins.

SIRENS BLARE

He's running, Alasdair now, using the banister a bit.

But comfortably beats the tidal wave.

Onto the Seesaw Of Truth next.

Edging his way across, very dainty steps.

-CHEERING

-The crowd loving this.

Onto the Crazy Sweeper now, bit of a brush there!

Here it comes again...

Oh, massive brush there!

Alasdair was shunted backwards, but he hasn't fallen off.

Needs to be quick now, though, that setback has cost him.

He is being quick, trying to do it in one

and he does do it one!

The Pillars Of No Return now, good landing! Lines up his second jump...

Oh, no!

It seems my favourite Alasdair now stands no chance.

He doesn't know that, he must climb onto the final turntable.

Alasdair digs deep.

Exhausted but determined, and he's home.

But his time of 1:51 is not enough to beat Alan.

Over to Amanda to break the news.

-My little boffin, how're you feeling after that one?

-Not very clever!

Alasdair, you were fastest on the qualifier today.

You were fastest on Double Cross. You're the bookies' favourite.

You weren't fast enough to beat Alan, I'm afraid.

-Alasdair, go join the others.

-Well done.

Hard luck, my man.

Alan, you know what this means, yours is now the time to beat.

-But Ashley's up next.

-Yeah, let's see how he handles the pressure.

-Let's watch.

-It all comes down to this.

I've only got one shot and this is it.

But will it be "hasta la vista" to Arnie-ish Ashley?

FOGHORN

Well, Ashley's got no time to waste here

if he's to beat Bendy Alan's impressive benchmark.

Here he goes, he's looking determined, swimming strongly...

Climbing up through the torrents of water and onto the Rapid Climb.

The tidal countdown has started

but that doesn't seem to be worrying Ashley, he's flying up there!

Oh!

Ashley going for a side-on approach to the Seesaw Of Truth.

It's an nice gentle tip.

Now a good crazy Sweeper is imperative here.

Will Ashley try and do it in one?

Looks like he might... Oh, this is very quick

but the Sweeper is closing in... Oh,

smart ducking, Ashley. He's up again.

Making light work of the podiums... Oh!

He's safe. Can Ashley snatch victory with some error-free leaping?

First jump's perfect. Second jump now...

Oh! Just good enough.

This is so close!

Ashley lands the third, last leap now.

And he's done it!

And Arnie-ish Ashley has won today's competition.

CHEERING

You have been confident about lifting this trophy all day today.

I've got to tell you, though, Ashley,

Alan had an amazingly brilliant run.

There were five seconds between you two.

-Five seconds?

-Wow.

Some ladies will be loving you a little more tonight, Ashley,

cos you are the Total Wipeout champion!

CHEERING Come on! Have it! Yes!

So, Ashley Collins, a 22-year-old warehouse technician

from Nottinghamshire is the Total Wipeout champion.

Now, normally I sign off from Amanda and me,

but I've just realised that if I don't say the good B-word,

then I can stay on telly for as long as I want.

I do like this jacket. Got it in a sale. It was a very good buy.

Oh!

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