Episode 3 Total Wipeout

Buenos Aires, Argentina. B-Bunos Aires? No, hang on.

That doesn't sound right. I've been doing this show for ages

and I still don't know the proper way to say it.

Is it "Buenos Ires", "Buenos Aires", "Buenoth Areth"? Yeah, that's it.

Buenoth Areth!

Buenoth Areth, Argentinia, where 20 daredevil nut jobs,

including a web designer, a retail manager and a florist,

have travelled to take on a bigger, better,

but not necessarily safer, Total Wipeout course.

The sad fact is, only one can win.

The happy fact is, we get to see the other 19 fall off stuff - a lot.

Let the falling begin.

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

Now we're partway through this shiny new series,

I think it's fair to assume you have an inkling

as to what this show is all about.

So rather than blather on about this week's obstacles,

I'm going to use the time to indulge my other passion in life -

Spanish guitar.

Thank you.

You know, I'm not feeling it. Maybe later.

Here's what's on today's show.

The Qualifier. Many will fail.

Double Cross. Slightly fewer will fail.

Terror-Go-Round. Only three will fail.

And the Wipeout Zone. Two will fail but one will unfail and bag £10,000.

Since the start of the show, the Total Wipeout switchboard

has been inundated with callers

begging to hear some of my Spanish guitar.

I've only got 20 seconds before the first contestant is due to start

but I'll give it a shot.

Just...

HE TUNES GUITAR

HE HUMS PITCH

HE CLEARS THROAT

Perfect.

I'm joined at the top of the Qualifier by Charles from Wales,

who is truly a prince among men.

You're in perfect, perfect nick for this, aren't you?

Well, I think so, being my age.

-How old are you?

-I'm 60.

-Oh! Charles! You're looking good, sunshine!

-Thank you very much.

-You're looking good yourself.

-Oh, hello. Can we cut the tape now?

I may be 60 and you think I'm over the hill,

but you watch me go, I'm here to thrill!

He's rhyming already. A good start. Right, off goes 60-year-old Charles.

Steady. Oh!

OK, time to meet today's first obstacle.

Oh, now this is new.

It's a sort of flat roulette,

15 unpredictable flaps that may at any time ping open. Like that.

This is the Flap Trap. And here comes Charles.

So he needs to dodge the loose flaps here. Here we go.

This is exciting.

Oh. No. It's tricky.

Yeah. That looked nasty.

# Don't fence me in. #

Really nasty. Head could have come off but didn't. That's good.

Today's first flapastrophe. You see? Ha!

Charles makes microchips

and handles dangerous chemicals on a daily basis.

So that nasty, toxic, brown water shouldn't put him off too much.

Oh, I think he's enjoying it.

Look at him. Shall we see it again?

He chose to do that.

Charles needs to hoist himself out of the sludge

as quickly as possible to the next obstacle.

Now, there used to be just 22 ill-tempered fists.

But this series they've got into painting...

people in the face.

And then punching them. It's a masterpiece!

I wish I'd thought of it.

Right, here goes Charles. Will it be a Welsh whitewash?

No, that's green, in fact. Hang on in, Charles. Hang on in.

Yes, looking good.

No. Oh.

He got some orange as well. That's like a bonus. And some brown.

A lot of brown.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!

No, that is not chocolate.

I don't know what it is but it's not chocolate.

Microchip Charlie moves onto the next obstacle now, which isn't new.

But then, perfection cannot be bettered.

It's the Big Balls, with added demotivation from the Demotivator.

Right, come on, Charles, only the fastest 12 get into the next round.

Here we go.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Yeah. Nice dive, though.

So it's a swim and a climb for Microchip Charlie

before attempting the final obstacle.

What have we got? Ah!

The Shapeshifter has been funked up with the addition of...a plank.

OK. Stand on the aforementioned plank, pick a shape

and then jump through it.

No, not like that. More like this. And the clock stops.

This is the Shape-Shape-Shape-Shapeshifter.

With a plank.

So, Charles walking the plank.

Which window will he pick?

Er... Oh, none of them. No.

Round, square, triangle.

Maybe he went for a window none of us could see.

So Microchip Charlie climbs to the finish in a respectable 3:31.

Bravo, Charlie.

-Not bad for a pensioner, eh?

-Oh! Absolutely brilliant.

Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.

-What was that?

-Absolutely brilliant.

I think he found that brilliant.

Next to battle the Qualifier is 18-year-old Plymouth waitress

and double-hard army cadet, Ellie.

Or "Lli" as her vest appears to say.

Ellie, I have to ask you a question.

Do you know what you've let yourself in for?

Looking at it, I don't know if I have. It's scary.

Oh, it isn't, is it? Yeah, it is.

Ellie loves first aid and has met the Queen.

I don't think she's done any first aid on Her Majesty.

They're two separate things.

Right, she's up and away. Ellie recently earned the title

of Lord Lieutenant Cadet for the Plymouth area.

So I shall call her Lord Ellie.

So, my Lord, if you'd be so kind as to progress to the Flap Trap.

Oh, my Lord!

At least she can put herself in the recovery position now.

That's always a positive, you see.

Onto the Sucker Punch now. I wonder what colour it will be here.

White, green, maybe?

No, brown. Just brown.

OK, Ellie's pace has slowed somewhat. Come on, the Lord!

Rubbing mud into your eyes - poor tactic.

Here we go. One, two, bend in half, fall in the water.

Simultaneous leg and face burn, though. Very good. Seldom seen.

Glad it is today.

Just the Shapeshifter with plank

stands between Lord Ellie and a little lie-down.

Seems to be struggling with the plank. Steady, Ellie, steady.

Timing.

Oh!

Oh, she needs a first-aider. No, that is her. She is...

There's a kind of beautiful poetic irony to... No, there isn't.

So, Lord Ellie is helped to the finish podium

by an invisible green friend in a time of 3:09.

Well done, m'Lud.

This is Danny from Nottingham.

He's an assistant manager in a men's tailors. Menswear!

He's also been a karate champion,

national-level salsa dancer and chef. Is there anything else?

-You want to see how fast I am?

-Yeah.

-Look that way.

-I can run down there and back before you turn round.

-Dare you.

-Go ahead.

Want to see it again?

Come on, it's the way I tell 'em!

Don't hate me, hate the game. Watch me dance, scratch and flow!

That's nice. That's looking good.

Off goes Menswear Danny.

Oh, yeah, he got his cufflinks wet there.

Now, Danny may be a salsa-dancing karate chef and menswear specialist,

but he's also a bit of a hero.

He once saved a child from drowning, even though he hates water.

Not sure if a phobia of water is very helpful today.

Oh, well, his problem, not ours.

JOHN INMAN: 'I'm free!'

Oh! No, he's not going to like that.

He got quite a distance, though, on the Flap Trap. That's the best yet.

Which is somehow significant.

Now, on the Sucker Punch, will he get punched or painted?

Maybe his dancing and karate skills are helpful in dodging. Yeah.

Oh, painted and punched.

JOHN INMAN: 'I'm free!'

No, you're not. You're covered in paint. And mud.

Big Balls now for Menswear Danny.

Oh, Demotivator and he's off and...

Oh! No, in.

Yeah, in.

He won't be happy getting wet again, I suspect.

Just the Shapeshifter to go. So, picking his moment carefully.

-What's he gonna go for? He's gone for the circle.

-Hang on tight.

Hang on, Danny. I've got a good feeling about this.

Yes. Yes.

-No, no, no.

-Oh, no.

Oooh!

MUSIC: Theme from "Are You Being Served?"

So, Menswear Danny makes it to the finish one second slower than Ellie.

-Bring it on!

-Bring it!

JOHN INMAN: 'Menswear!'

Whoever built this course needs sacking. Right?

Now for a Total Wipeout first. This is Grant and this is Smithy.

They're neighbours and they're extremely competitive.

So, this could get messy. Well, it will.

The best of luck to both of you. May the best neighbour win.

Thank you very much.

-That's me, number one. You're going down.

-No chance.

OK, boys, enough. Take it away!

Oh, no, they're fighting already.

My name is Smithy.

I'm going to fly across those big red balls in a jiffy!

My name's Grant and I'm over 50 but be afraid cos I'm still right nifty!

Smithy, I've sold your lawnmower!

That is low. Right, they're off.

Smithy on the bottom there, looking slightly faster.

I imagine he's fuming over the lawnmower issue.

Let's see if he can channel that anger into beating the Flap Trap.

Here we go.

Oh! No!

That looks horrific!

Everything's gonna come unbolted.

Right, Grant gets his chance now. Come on. Yes! Yes.

Oh, dear.

I think Grant From Next Door

made it one flap further than Smithy From Next Door.

Still hurts, though.

Smithy on the Sucker Punch now. By the look of things,

he's had some punching experience recently, so he should be good.

No, he's not.

Not even average, frankly. Barely got on it before he fell off.

Grant to the balls. Great vantage point up there

for spying on your neighbour, I'd imagine.

Focusing. One, two...

-Argh!

-..dive.

He's ended up in the pond.

Smithy now on the planky Shapeshifter. Plank to square. Oh...

Hold on, Smithy.

-That's it. Hang tight.

-This is useful advice.

Somebody's got to do this today surely. Come on. Hang on.

No. Without his lawnmower he's nothing.

Grant now and this is looking like quite a quick run.

But quite a wet run. But quick also.

So Smithy From Next Door arrives home in 3:23.

-Number one.

-I'm not so sure if he is number one

because Grant From Next Door has smashed Smithy's time.

2:44, the fastest today. That'll get the curtains twitching.

-Grant, well done, my man.

-Thank you.

-How are you feeling after that?

-I'm a wee bit out of puff.

-Just a wee bit?

-Just a wee bit.

So, I take it you would like me to put you out of your misery

and tell you who was faster.

Please.

OK. The fastest was...

Grant!

BOTH SHOUT

-I can't believe that.

-You're gutted.

Yeah, I think we have to have a retrial.

Experience beats youth once again.

Does anyone know where the engine is on one of these things?

It's no good, I can't get it started.

Can someone call the bloke I bought it from? I want a refund.

No Scottish notes, mind.

Next onto the Qualifier is 29-year-old Kia from Kent.

Kia loves trampolining

and was national pole-vault champion at the age of 17.

So I'm guessing she likes jumping about.

-That just looks stupid.

-No, no, it doesn't look stupid at all, Kia(!)

I wanted a trampoline.

We'll give you four big red balls. You can bounce off them.

Kia heading to the big balls with a very quick time so far.

One... two...

Oh, hang on. This is good.

-That's it!

-Three.

Come on, Kia. This is good.

I think she's gonna...

Oh. Fall in the water.

But Kia could have the fastest time so far here.

Onto the planky Shapeshifter.

Oh, no. No.

Maybe she misread the instructions. Are there instructions? No.

Despite a complete set of falls,

High-Kia reaches the end podium in a leaderboard topping 2:34.

Speaking of which, High-Kia is sitting pretty

with Grant From Next Door and Lord Ellie in 2nd and 3rd.

Menswear Danny currently sits 4th by one second

while Smithy From Next Door is 5th and Microchip Charlie is 6th.

But with 14 competitors still to run, it could all change.

-Next to go, be afraid. I am.

-HE GROWLS

This is Dave. OK, you're scaring me now.

Now I'm scared. And a bit icky.

It's a way of life. You've got to train hard, say your prayers

and take your vitamins and build up the perfect physique.

Clearly you're a wrestler. You've got the physique.

-Er, no, not quite.

-What do you do?

-I work in accounts.

I trained hard, said my prayers, taken my vitamins. Now let's do this!

OK. So off goes Dave From Accounts and he's found a new T-shirt

and that's definitely good news.

Time to see how this armchair wrestler does on the Qualifier.

He's lost his headband.

And his belt, I'd say, by the look of things.

Despite that, he's hurtling towards the Flap Trap. Here we go.

Oh... Ouch.

Oh, dear. Crack's starting to show.

I've worked out what the problem is.

Dave's wearing his accounting shorts

when he should have put on his wrestling ones. Easy mistake.

Right, come on, Dave.

He's on. Yes.

Oh! Ooh, no! Ow!

Yeah, he lost his balance sheet.

Now, it's the ultimate armchair accounting wrestler

versus big foam wheel grudge match.

Happens a lot but this is the ultimate one.

Here we go.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, the wheel won.

Oh, I'm cracking up.

Yeah. Dave From Accounts reaches the end podium in 4:29.

I think those shorts played havoc with your performance, don't you?

I don't blame it on the shorts at all. I blame it on the pizzas.

I've nothin' else to give. I need a bed. Quickly.

This is Steve, 36, from Essex. He's a risk consultant, a safe chap.

This is Jane, 44, from Stratford-upon-Avon.

She's a gas officer. A safe lady.

And this is God-frey from London.

He's a bodybuilder and he's completely unsafe.

I've got speed, power and agility! Watch out, baby!

-Wa-ha-ha-ha! Wipeout!

-To indignity and beyond!

-So off goes Safe Steve.

-MIDDLE OF THE ROAD MUSIC

With safe music to accompany him.

Splendid.

Will Steve take a safety-conscious approach to the Flap Trap?

No, didn't assess that risk very well.

Yeah, it's unsafe there, look. Fell off, in fact.

So, here's Safe Jane, looking safe.

Oh! Now she's just looking sorry.

The cautious approach hasn't worked as yet

so it's time for Godfrey Almighty to try it his way.

Oh!

He nearly took that flap off, he did.

I don't think the speed helps. It kind of made everything worse.

So Jane is trying to establish the safest way across the Sucker Punch.

-Has she found it?

-MIDDLE OF THE ROAD MUSIC

Loving the safe sounds.

Oh, no. She hasn't found it. No.

Here comes Godfrey Almighty.

Bodybuilder versus body puncher.

Puncher wins. Safe Steve now.

Will he risk humiliation?

Oh, yeah, this is safely the most dazzling bounce I've seen all day.

And that. And that!

Lies on the ball. Turns a full 360.

That's technical stuff.

Now for Godfrey.

He might actually pop one of these balls just with anger and fury.

Oh, dear, no. Unsafe. Fell in.

That was quite a plunge from Godfrey there.

And, sadly, that is the end of his run.

It seems he forgot to close his mouth,

swallowed a substantial proportion of the pool

and had to retire from the competition.

Here's hoping he didn't swallow ALL of the water.

That would be very unsafe for Safe Jane and Safe Steve.

Oh, good, the water is back. Now, here we go.

No, Jane is actually IN the water

that is still there.

Safe Jane finishes in a respectable 3:41 seconds.

SHE CHEERS

But Safe Steve completes the Qualifier in three minutes four,

and wins the battle of Save versus Unsafe.

That is going to hurt in the morning.

Yeah, probably hurts now, Steve, I should imagine.

This is 24-year-old PE teacher Claire from Reading.

She teaches basketball, football and parkour.

Do they really let the kids run on the roofs and all that? Amazing.

I'd have loved that.

Are you going to slam dunk yourself into that course?

I'm going to slam dunk myself round this course.

Well, good luck out there today, Claire.

-All right, cheers.

-No dribbling.

Slam dunk, huh? It's usually a worry

when contestants make claims like that, cos you see,

she could end up getting slammed or dunked.

But not necessarily both. It's a technical thing.

I'm going to slam dunk myself round this course.

Oh, no, she said it again.

I don't know if I can watch.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

I'm so glad that happened to somebody not me!

That...oh, she got slammed!

'I'm going to slam dunk myself round this course.'

Really slammed. Horrific! Ho-ho, oh!

She's scarred the plank!

Dunkin' Claire looks like she's just been quite badly slammed.

Here we go, onto the Shapeshifter. Well, she's on the plank.

Bit unsteady but...oh, no!

There's the dunk. She did both. Credit!

Despite getting slammed and dunked, Claire is the fastest so far today.

-Two minutes 20.

-Oh, my God.

Certainly didn't slam dunk it like I said I would. It trashed me.

Hopefully, 36-year-old Stanka from London

won't do herself as much damage on the Qualifier.

-What do you do?

-Er, I'm a personal yoga instructor.

Ooh, so are you, like, all bendy and floppy and stuff?

I am bendy.

MUSIC: "Bend Me, Shape Me" by Amen Corner

OK, well there's something you don't see every day,

or if you do, best not talk about it.

There she goes, then. Slidey and bendy!

Aagh!

Er, wet and bendy.

Painty and bendy.

Muddy and bendy.

Now let me guess, bouncy and bendy!

So, can she complete the set?

Yep! Shapey and bendy.

I'm just saying words now followed by "bendy".

Stanka reaches the end in a sedate and bendy time of 3:57.

And it's done! Hoo!

This is Miriam, who's 29 and from Reading.

She's a lady in pink who works for the boys in blue.

Yep, she's a policewoman.

So, Miriam, if you were to win here today, £10,000

and a trophy above your head, what would you do with that money?

You're having a laugh, Amanda! I'm not going to win!

Well, it's good to see you're positive(!)

See what she's doing now.

Miriam's using reverse psychology, claiming she's not very good

when in fact she's going to annihilate the opposition.

You see, there she goes already,

fooling us into thinking she can't get onto that pontoon.

She could spring that if she wanted to.

Right, the Flap Trap now. Come on, Miriam.

Yeah...oh, no! Oh!

Yeah...d'you know what?

I'm starting to think she's not bluffing.

I hate you lot! You're going to ruin my wig!

OK, think I'll come back to Miriam.

Give her time for some hair-piece realignment.

Let's meet the next contestant, and her name is...

Charlene Mitchell.

Hang on, that's lost on younger viewers.

Yeah, that's better. THIS is Charlene Mitchell.

It says here that she's a Thai boy boxing basher.

I'm sure there's been a typo. What can...she can't be!

I may be pocket-sized, but I'm a Thai-boxing boy-basher,

and nothing can wipe me out!

Oh, good, she's a Thai-boxing boy-basher!

And nothing can wipe her out. That is quite a claim.

And I'd suggest perhaps a false one.

The Flap Trap now,

and can Chaz Van Damme be the first to cross any obstacle today?

No, she got wiped out.

This is where Charlene won't get wiped out again.

She got wiped out again.

And again.

That's a full house so far. Consistent.

Just the Shapeshifter to go.

Ooh! What's this? Charlene's stayed on. Is she going to make it?

I think she is. Somebody could actually do this.

MUSIC: "No Easy Way Out" by Robert Tepper

Yes, come on!

There's no easy way out.

Oh, there is a shortcut.

And Charlene's taken it. It's the fastest time today so far,

Two minutes 17. Wow!

So, Chaz Van Damme sits in first place

with Dunking Claire in second and High-Kia in third.

Safe Steve in fifth.

Menswear Danny's in seventh.

But down at the bottom, things are looking a bit unsafe for Safe Jane,

Yogic Stanka and Dave From Accounts.

Oh, I've forgotten about Miriam and her wig.

They're both just approaching the Big Balls.

-That's a primal scream there.

-Come on, Miriam.

Step forward.

A-a-agh!

-Oh, look. How helpful!

-There you go!

-That's a service they provide.

I want to stay here.

-Can I just stay here?

-No.

-Amanda, please.

-You can do it.

Yes, come on, Miriam! You can do it.

-Or something will happen.

-I can't do it!

Yes, you can. You can. You can!

You can't. No, you can't do that, don't do that. You can't do it.

I think I'm going to have to come back to Miriam,

when she's nailed on her hair-piece again.

A quick question for everyone watching at home.

Who knows what the word "tenuous" means?

If you do know what "tenuous" means,

please don't think too hard while you're watching this next bit.

And if you don't know what "tenuous" means,

please don't look it up, cos everything's fine, OK?

Forget I said anything.

So, now time for a collection of people whose jobs

end in the letters "ist".

Stay away from the dictionary. Just leave it, it's fine.

40-year-old Muhammed is a dent...ist.

IST, yeah?

While 41-year-old Suzy from Plymouth is a florist.

You see the link, the whole "ist"?

And then there's 27-year-old Andy, who's a web designer...ist!

This has just got even more tenuous.

Don't look it up, it just means nice!

So here goes the dent-IST.

-SQUEAKING

-Squeaky start for Muhammed.

That's got to burn.

On the Flap Trap, now. Mind your teeth.

Oh, ooh! Oh!

Like his patients, he's ended up horizontal.

Suzy the florist now!

Oh, like her flowers, she's been cut down in her prime

and revived in some water.

Here's the web designer...ist.

And just like a website, he's gone down.

Suzy now to the Big Balls.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee! Bzz-bzz!

And belly-flop like a human!

Andy's at the balls now.

One, two...ooh, bit of three!

Did a kind of roly-poly off the third, there.

Sort of strangely elegant, was it? That's just me.

Now, the dentist versus the Shapeshifter.

Never been said before.

He'll need some cosmetic work doing now, I think.

Florist Suzy clocks in with three minutes 15.

A-a-ah!

Dentist Muhammed finishes in a time of three minutes seven.

Woo!

But the winner of this completely non-tenuously linked competition

is web designer-ist Andy,

who posts a time of two minutes 38, which means he is the fast...ist!

Yes, that worked! That worked!

So, back to Miriam. Her epic quest is nearing its end.

-Should we call the cops?

-Huh?

-Should we call the cops?

You're so funny(!)

Stand up.

That helps jumping techniques, first of all.

This is good work.

Carry on, Amanda, you're helping her.

Yes? Ow! Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Ooh, that didn't end well, did it? That didn't, no.

Miriam shows true Total Wipeout spirit

to complete the course in a whopping seven minutes 42.

I hate Total Wipeout!

Yeah, but we love you, Miriam, and your wig.

Don't try this at home, folks!

Don't come to Total Wipeout,

unless you want to get wiped out like me, OK?

Thank you very much. Oh, my gosh!

Just three competitors to go, and this is Lakan,

an 18-year-old IT apprentice.

He's sporting a modern take on the mullet.

I'm joined at the top of the Qualifier

by lovely Lakan from Birmingham.

Now Lovely Lakan, are you feeling lucky today?

Yeah, I'm sure I am, Amanda. I sure am, Amanda!

Back in Birmingham, is everybody rooting for you?

Are they all good about your chances against the Qualifier?

Er, yeah, kind of.

My dad and them, they don't believe in me.

I think you need a hug. Ohhh, Lakan! You're going to be absolutely fine.

You might not be because you're up against Laura,

a 28-year-old rugby player who's also from Birmingham.

Quick feet, nimble, agile.

It's all good things that should help me get round there.

And finally, there's Katie,

a 27-year-old PhD research student and fitness freak from Swansea.

I work out seven times a week.

I do kickboxing, Funkypumps, I run up mountains.

You name it, basically, I do it.

OK, well, good luck, Lakan.

Oh, Lakan.

Watch me tackle this course, I'll kick those big red balls into touch!

The Total Wipeout course better watch out

cos I'm going to smash it right up! Woo!

So, girls first, and here's Katie Train-A-Lot,

who trains seven days a week, and that is a lot.

Onto the pontoons.

Laura is a winger for the Lichfield Women's Rugby Club,

so she should be quick.

And in considerable pain right now, I'd say.

Lineout Laura gets fired by a flap into the bog.

Good distance, but unfortunate placement of the stairs.

Here comes Lakan, who doesn't play Premiership rugby

or train seven days a week.

-Oh, don't hit Lakan.

-Ooh, good, what's...hang on! Look at that! Wow!

He's the first today to cross the Flap Traps.

Katie Train-A-Lot is a member of a boxing gym, so I'm not going to

tempt anything by saying she'll be good here, but...oh.

I'm glad I didn't. I feel bad now.

But how will Katie Train-A-Lot fare on the balls?

Beaten one, beaten two, beaten three...

beaten by four. Hmm.

Well, her technique was flawless for the first 75% of that attempt.

I did those maths in my head just then.

Shapeshifter with plank for Lineout Laura,

and this is looking like a very good time.

She's just going for it! Oh, she got it, she got it.

Ah, I'd say that's going to hurt.

But Lineout Laura reaches the finish

in a very quick two minutes four seconds,

and jumps straight to the top of the leaderboard.

Whilst...hang on,

Katie Train-A-Lot's also finished in two minutes four!

It's a dead heat.

Back to Lakan on the Sucker Punch.

It looks like Lakan's on his side.

Heh-heh-heh(!)

Getting painted, but that's OK. It's a shame there's no purple paint.

Apparently that's Lakan's favourite colour.

My bedroom's purple, my curtains are purple, my toothbrush is purple.

My bathroom's purple, my duvet's purple, my carpet's purple,

my wallpaper's purple. My hair's purple,

my clothes are purple. I'm purple.

How does he find anything?

Lakan to the balls. And they've gone purple.

And he's gone all wet. Still, he got as far as Katie did.

Wow, Lakan's reached the Shapeshifter in record time.

Can this purple-loving IT apprentice

possibly beat the fitness-loving ladies?

Come on! Oh...

Come on.

This is desperate, this is epic...

..if a bit silly.

I knew it, I knew it.

MUSIC: "Purple Rain" by Prince

He's changed! The Artist Formerly Known as Lakan

stops the clock in one minute 35,

the fastest qualifier time today by far!

So, the Artist Formerly Known as Lakan takes top spot

while Katie Train-A-Lot and Lineout Laura are neck-and-neck in second.

All of that pushes Chaz Van Damme into fourth place.

Web Designer-ist Andy programs his way into seventh.

And Menswear Danny just sneaks into the 12th place.

So, the field has narrowed from 20 to 12,

which means each contestant now has a one in 12 chance of winning.

Sounds pretty good, until you realise that that means

every contestant is 91.67% likely to fail.

Look at the bright side, at least they're not 100% likely to fail,

which is the case with this lot.

Cos they already have. Failed.

MUSIC: "Don't Dream It's Over" by Crowded House

This is Double Cross, and here's how it works.

Everyone lines up over there.

The aim is to head on a green gangway to the middle, then

reach the other side via the red gangway.

Add to that a counter-rotating red cross at around about knee height,

and it gets pretty tricky.

The game only stops when six contestants have made it across...

or it gets dark. Whichever comes first.

Time to meet today's Double-Crossers.

Fastest in the Qualifier, it's the Artist Formerly Known as...

Lakan.

First in the Qualifier! Everyone, follow me!

Then there's Katie Train-A-Lot, Lineout Laura and Chaz Van Damme.

Fifth in the Qualifier, it's Dunkin' Claire.

What, now?

Followed by High-Kia and Web Designer-ist Andy.

Then it's the winning neighbour, Grant from Next Door.

Be afraid, all you young 'uns, cos I'm still here!

Safe Steve, Mouthwash Muhammed...

and Lord Ellie.

-Hello?

-Hello?

And last but by no means least, Menswear Danny.

Don't hate me, hate the game!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Ah, it's such a beautiful day.

I'm in such a good mood,

and I'll be even happier when we wipe out another six contestants.

I love Double Cross! Are you all ready?

-ALL: Ye-e-e-es!

-Happy days! Three, two, one!

-KLAXON BLARES

-And off goes the klaxon.

Remember, they can only get to the centre

via one of those three green arms.

Who'll lead the charge?

It's Claire. No, she's off! It's back to the start for her.

Now, here's Andy. No! No!

I may have said it before, but this really is all about the timing.

And there's Kia picking her moment, and Steve...picking his.

Oh, no, wrong moment! Just wrong!

Off goes Laura! Ooh, no! Hoo-hoo!

Ooh, didn't look nice...

for Laura.

So, who'll be next? Right, here's Ellie.

And she's in!

Danny enjoying himself there.

Katie, straight in!

Look, he's loving it!

There's Lakan. Oh, bad luck-an!

Kia now.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Wow, Kia first to get to the middle!

What a jump too! Brilliant.

Now, Kia can only use the red arm to get to the other side.

Oh! Oh, no! No, what...hold on, what did she do there?!

Lord Ellie again. Trying it...no!

Ellie in the water again.

Don't know what you're laughing at, Danny. You're still dry! Ohhhhh!

There's Claire.

And she's made the middle! All in the timing. Perfect.

Now here's Laura.

Oh! No, she's off!

Here comes that red arm! Come on! Yes...no!

Oh, so close!

Claire got the furthest so far, but it's a long swim back now.

Here's Charlene.

And she's made it to the middle.

Here we go, oh! No, no.

Well, she won't be joined by Muhammed any time soon.

Here comes that red arm. Come on, Charlene!

Go, go...yes!

And Charlene is the first through to the next round.

And she looks happy, which she should be. Five places left.

Laura and Steve waiting. Here's Laura. And, yes!

She made that look easy. Which it clearly isn't!

Steve joined by Grant.

Go, Steve. Go, go, go.

Oh, no!

-Danny, you're wasting space up there!

-He is, indeed.

You've got to give it a go!

He must, yes. Come on, Grant, now.

Oh, ooh-ooh, come on! No, no. He's off.

Grant from Next Door must head back to the start now.

Here's Claire. Joining Andy in the middle,

but Andy's off! Oh, no!

Come on, then, Claire.

Pick your moment.

Only the red gangway. Yes. Timed to perfection.

Claire is into the next round.

Kia's turn now.

Come on, come on. Oh, no.

Hats off to Kia, though. She's not giving up.

That was so close.

Here's Grant. Come on, Grant.

Grant From Next Door stays in the competition.

I knew he had it in his tartan shorts.

I don't want to know what's in his tartan shorts. Katie's turn now.

Just two places left in the next round.

Yep, Katie is through.

Just one place remains in Terror Go Round.

Will it go to Andy, Kia, Ellie, Lakan,

Muhammed, Steve or Danny?

Although you do need to move your feet for that to happen.

Oh, there's Steve. Come on.

And Kia, getting desperate now.

Here comes the red arm.

I can't look.

There's one place left, guys!

Here comes the red arm again. Here it comes...

It's Kia who makes the move.

Wow! Amazing stuff!

Kia is through and I'm out of breath.

So, with that incredible effort

Kia joins Charlene, Claire, Grant, Laura

and Katie in the next round.

Now, to fulfil an official BBC remit,

I've had to let the cameraman's son Alan do some work experience

on the show.

He's written some lines for me.

So whoever's got the official BBC remit form,

tick off the work experience box. OK, here goes.

CLEARS THROAT

That was the bit with the obstacle in.

This is the bit where the sad people say goodbye.

Actually, he's quite good. Very efficient with words.

I'm thinking Hemingway.

I tried as much as I could. Give it all I got.

So close, so close.

I think the trainers were not right for me for this course.

I kept slipping.

I beat everyone by 30 seconds in the Qualifier.

I don't know what happened to me here.

My girlfriend's going to be disappointed in me. Sorry.

I wanted to do it but the legs wouldn't stand still.

If you're going to hit hard, I might as well just keep dry.

I'm a little bit disappointed

that I'm the only girl that didn't get through.

However, but I gave it a good shot. That's all I'm going to say.

How can I be disappointed when there's five

really fit, competitive girls there in that final, and an old Scotsman?

I want to know what he's got in his porridge.

Quite frankly, I want some.

The Flying Scotsman flies on, and I'm ruined.

Them girls are nimble, you know. Light weighted.

It looks like you're going to get an all-girl final this year.

This week the Terror Go Round has been transformed into a car wash.

Sounds like nice, clean fun.

It's not.

A crack team of Argentinian scientists

have made a startling new discovery.

They've invented a new element. Water.

With extra slip over.

Same rules apply. Three heats.

Last person standing in each is through to the Wipeout Zone.

The three losers are heading for a tearful mention in a few minutes.

I always feel sorry for the contestants on Terror Go Round,

stumbling around, crashing into each other, three guaranteed losers.

Hang on, that sounds brilliant!

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

Bring on the terror. Three, two, one...

KLAXON

A reminder of today's Terror Go Round.

Dunkin' Claire, the basketball player

who was slammed and dunked on the Qualifier.

It trashed me.

Chaz Van Damme, the kickboxing Shapeshifter bat.

Nothing can wipe me out!

Lineout Laura, the rugby player

who seems to enjoy getting hurt.

Quick feet, nimble, agile.

High-Kia, the pole vaulter who's really good at jumping about.

I just look stupid!

He's called Grant. He's from next door.

It's Grant From Next Door.

I'm over 50 but I'm still right nifty!

And finally, Katie Train-A-Lot,

the fitness fanatic with muscles that scare me.

I work out seven times a week.

Yeah, scared. So, the rules are simple.

Last person standing in each of the three heats makes the Wipeout Zone.

And here we go. Oh, hang on, Grant's over.

He's down and the game hasn't started. No, he's back up.

KLAXON

And there goes the klaxon. And here come the killer sponges.

Silly!

Oh, no, the sponges have worked. That's two out.

Good recovery from the others, though.

This is just very silly.

Oh, Grant's down... and out.

It's just Charlene, Claire and Katie left standing.

Those sponges are nasty.

I mean, they sound nice - sponge - but they're not.

Katie's down.

So is Charlene and Claire... Oh, and out!

Oh, this is complicated now. Who was the last one standing?

Well, there you go. It was Dunkin' Claire.

So she's bagged the first spot in the Wipeout Zone.

The other five are heading for another encounter with the Car Wash.

So, off go the remaining five contestants for another Car Washing.

Oh, no! Oh, what is happening? It's water with added slip.

It's got all of them. They're all down.

What's Prince Harry doing there?

I didn't know... Oh, well.

But who was last to fall?

You see, it was Chaz Van Damme,

so she joins Dunkin' Claire in the Wipeout Zone.

So, Laura, Katie, Grant and Kia are back on the Car Wash

with only one place left in the Wipeout Zone.

And off they go.

Careful, Grant.

There's the klaxon.

Oh, no, here comes the water with extra slip.

Oh, it's a lot of slip in there, isn't it?

They've done it again.

I think maybe we are going to need

those crack Argentinian scientists to design shoes

that cancel out the effect of that water with extra slip.

It's very slippery. Anyway, the last person standing was High-Kia.

She joins Claire and Charlene in an all-female Wipeout Zone.

So it is a sad goodbye to Katie Train-A-Lot,

a mournful wave to Grant From Next Door,

and a respectful nod to Lineout Laura.

It's the end of the road for these three heroes.

Alan's still here, doing work experience.

His dad's gone home, though. I hope it wasn't anything I said.

I think you'll agree that Alan makes a more than capable cameraman.

So, now time for a reminder of the long and arduous journey

that today's finalists have been through to get to the Wipeout Zone.

Although the Terror Go Round was actually quite a short journey,

so, time for a reminder

of the medium-length but still pretty arduous journey

today's finalists have been through.

Alan, get your dad back.

It's definitely very serious now.

I'm going to give it all I've got for the final.

I wouldn't have applied for this if I didn't think I could win.

I think we're all quite evenly matched.

I think we've all got quite a lot of skills that are going to help us through the final.

Kia, did you see her on the Double Crosses skipping over everything?

She's definitely, definitely the dark horse.

She's so deep down competitive.

She won't express it but you can just sense it from her.

I would say I am probably the most fearless out of the three of us.

Claire is competitive, like, she doesn't hide it.

She's very boisterous.

Very gutsy,

she's definitely one to watch. I think she's in it to win it.

Now that I'm through to the final,

well, it means everything. I can't get this far and not win.

She's a kickboxer and so she's definitely hard.

My biggest rival is going to be Charlene

because she managed to get through the Shape Shifter.

She was the first to cross the Double Cross,

so she is quick, she's nimble and she's got good balance.

I'm definitely going to give it all I've got for the final.

I can beat them.

The Pocket Rocket is going to win this Total Wipeout.

Well, that's the aim.

Today's Wipeout Zone starts with a trip down the Killer Surf,

then it is an all-out dash up the Rapid Climb,

avoiding the rarely used but really nasty Tidal Wave.

Then it's the seesaw of truth to the Crazy Sweeper,

and the final push over the Turntables to the finish podium.

Fastest wins 10,000 sterling. And a novelty cup.

What an incredible day it's been and the drama isn't over yet.

It's an all-female Wipeout Zone...

..and Kia is the first to brave it.

High-Kia is about to test the full extent of her bounciness.

Can I bite my nails now, please?

You'd be better off holding on tight to that ring.

And so, this all-female battle begins.

Come on, Kia.

Kia racing for the Rapid Climb.

Once up, it's only a matter of time before the Tidal Wave is unleashed.

This is a slow start.

Come on, Kia, that's it.

She's up now and the ten second countdown begins.

Picking up speed on the Rapid Climb which is a good idea

and she is safe.

Seesaw of Truth now.

Kia spent her qualifier falling off things.

She cannot afford to do that here.

At the balancing point.

Carefully rocks it over.

She has cleared it.

The Crazy Sweeper next.

This is all about timing, speed and, of course, balance.

Come on, come on.

Oh...

Too close for comfort.

Oh!

Got to get up.

Come on. Very hesitant, but she's off now. Looking good.

And she's made it.

Onto the first turntable.

But the second one, now, is always tricky.

Oh, she's across, just.

Really needs to time this jump well.

This could be a good solid time. Perfect.

Just one more leap and this ordeal will be over.

Come on.

Yes, it's over.

Kia completes the course in one minute 55,

a great time and a tough benchmark to beat.

Well done, my lovely girl. How are you feeling?

Quite tired, yeah. It was good.

Kia, you've come on in leaps and bounds today.

Quite literally, you've been leaping and bounding all day

and you have just leapt your way to an extremely respectable time

of one minute 55 seconds.

-Oh, brilliant, that's good.

-Isn't that brilliant?

Yeah, that's brilliant, thank you.

You know what this means? Yours is the time to beat

and it's a brilliant time to beat but Charlene's up next. Let's watch.

Will Chaz Van Damme beat Kia's time into second?

This is for you, Mum.

And so, the contest begins.

One minute 55 is the time to beat and, more importantly,

Charlene just needs to not fall off anything.

One slip and she could be out of the game.

No pressure, then.

Up onto the Rapid Climb

and the countdown starts.

Good progress.

And the Tidal Wave is kept at bay.

Now to test her balance.

Cautious start.

Tips the Seesaw.

Oh!

Losing balance.

But she's OK.

This, I can't bear.

Charlene still in with a chance of taking that trophy.

Kia did the Crazy Sweeper in two hesitant runs.

Can Charlene improve on that? Here we go.

Oh, she's down.

She's up again. Come on, Charlene.

Oh-ho, she's done it.

Turntables now.

Readies herself, jumps.

She's on, safe.

It's so close, I can't bear it. Go, Charlene!

These times are incredibly close, Charlene could win this.

Oh, no!

That mistake has just cost her the trophy.

I don't think there's any doubting that.

It was a good jump but she just couldn't

get a grip on that Turntable.

Charlene doesn't know Kia's time yet

so all she can do is keep going.

Last jump.

And Charlene finishes the course in two minutes one second

which is an excellent time, just not good enough, today, to beat Kia.

Charlene, my darling. Come on out. Are you all right?

-You're still smiling, at least.

-Yeah.

-It seemed to go OK.

-It did.

-Apart for the last fall.

It did, it went very well, Charlene.

I've got to tell you,

you have been bashing the boys out of the competition all day.

Now, you just have to bash the two girls out of the competition.

Yeah.

I'm afraid you've been bashed, Charlene, because Kia was faster.

Hard luck, my darling.

Go join the others.

CHEERING

OK. Yours is now the time to beat, Kia.

Excellent.

Claire's up next, let's watch.

Well, PE teacher Claire has remembered her kit

so no need to borrow shorts from lost property.

This is for all the Wildcats.

Oh, she's going backwards.

Not seen that happen before.

And headfirst.

A bit disoriented, I suspect. She heads for the Rapid Climb.

Kia's is still the time to beat and it is a tough one.

Will Claire break it?

Well, not if she keeps going at this rate.

She needs to put some speed on.

Where's Claire?

There's Claire.

And, as she gets to her feet, the countdown starts.

She does seem to have found some energy.

And that was a rapid climb.

So, how will she play the Seesaw?

This is still up for grabs.

She's certainly playing it safe.

Maybe a bit too safe, though.

Claire can still lift the trophy,

she just needs to speed up now.

I think it'll be decided here, in the Crazy Sweeper.

She's just going for it but...

Oh! Oh, no. That's unbelievable.

She just stared at it like a rabbit in headlights.

Lost her footing, her balance and her chance of winning that trophy.

So, up she comes now, onto the Turntable.

I'm sure her confidence has been knocked as violently as she was.

She's onto the Turntable and...

Oh, no. In again.

Kia must have realised, by now, that she's got this one in the bag.

Which is unfortunate for Claire.

Climbing the last of the Turntables,

one giant leap to go.

And Claire presses the button in the three minutes five seconds.

Not the fastest time, but at least she finished.

Claire, come on out, my lovely. Oh, my goodness, are you OK?

Yeah, I'm good.

You have been fearless and throwing yourself at this course all day

and actually thrown yourself off of this course tonight

but the big question is, has it been enough?

And the Total Wipeout Champion tonight...

..is Kia!

CHEERING

Congratulations, my darling.

Hard luck, Claire.

So, congratulations to Kia,

a business analyst from Kent who is today's Total Wipeout Champion.

And more good news. Work experience boy Alan

has been moved off the camera and on to autocue, so all...

that...

Whoa! Um, Kia, trophy, Amanda, next week, bye.

Alan, you're going places.

Home. Now. Go.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd