Episode 4 Total Wipeout

A long time ago, before the dinosaurs and stuff,

the Earth was ruled by an even deadlier species.

Today, using science, genetics and Argentinian craftsmanship,

these monsters have been brought back to life.

Welcome to Total Wipeout.

Let's just hope they don't escape and eat the contestants.

Tonight, 20 Brits, including a postman, a maths teacher

and an opera singer,

will attempt to tackle these world-renowned plastic predators.

Let the games begin!

Hello and welcome to Total Wipeout,

which tonight is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

CHEERING

All the usual thrills and spills...

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

..but this time it's all in front of a live studio audience!

-CHEERING

-Oh, this is great!

Hey, what do you call a coach horse that can play bass guitar?

Pull-My-Cart-Ney!

TOTAL SILENCE

OK, let's see what the competitors are up against today.

The Qualifier - Tough, with a capital T.

Double Cross - Tough, with a capital T underlined.

Terror-Go-Round - Tough, with a capital T underlined and in bold.

And the Wipeout Zone - Tough, all in capitals, double underlined,

in bold, and with a few exclamation marks at the end.

Tonight's show promises to be a real rollercoaster.

-CHEERING

-Not yet.

-Tonight's show...

-CHEERING

Right, forget it, we're not doing the whole audience thing now.

AUDIENCE: Awwww!

STAMPEDING FEET

-DOOR SLAMS

-Let's join Amanda at the top of the course

with today's first contestant.

Pull-My-Cart-Ney. It's genius.

Special delivery for the Qualifier.

I'm joined now by my next contestant.

This is Michael from St Helens and he's a postman.

Michael, how are you doing?

I am aiming to become a legend on the mail-delivering circuit of St Helens.

And I'm not just talking St Helens, Amanda.

This could propel me to the big-time.

I'm talking the outskirts, as well.

I'm talking Haydock, Billinge, Rainford... Thatto Heath.

So, 40-year-old, slightly terrifying postie Michael

is the first to tackle today's Qualifier.

He talks the talk, but will he deliver on the course?

Well, he's quickly across the pontoons,

which means he's about to come to the first stop on his route.

A brand new addition to the Total Wipeout course,

the Wall Street Smash

It's three obstacles in one.

Contestants must keep one eye on the sweeping arm,

the other eye on keeping their balance.

And then the other eye on the giant pieces of wall that swing out

and smash you in the face.

Here we go.

Oh! Special delivery!

Oh, watch your head, Michael!

That Wall Street Smash doesn't like unexpected mail,

so unexpected MALE - spelt differently, Michael,

is stamped and sent straight to his destination - muddy water.

A painful lesson to learn. He won't be doing that again in a hurry.

Here he goes. Watch out for the... Oh, be careful of the... And the...

And then there's the...

Oh, no, he's in.

HE LAUGHS

This is tricky, isn't it?

Next, it punches, it punches, it squirts paint

and it punches some more.

Here we go.

Well, he's ducked the paint, but not the fists.

Avoided damaging his package, but it's not really an express delivery so far.

Now for the part of his route that he's dreading.

Four big red spheres that do not know the meaning of the words

"Do not bend", the Big Red Balls.

Oh, er, yeah, that works.

Ball one...

-and he's in. Second-class fall.

-That was rubbish!

Maybe he'll have a bit more. luck on the final obstacle -

it's the Shapeshifter.

Up the ladder...

..down the slide. And which window shall we go through today?

The square window?

The triangle window?

Or the round window?

Yeah, that's right, probably none of them.

So the postman has nearly reached his final destination.

All he has to do now is post himself through one of the holes.

Should be easy for Michael.

Here we go. Oh, no. No.

A postman missing the hole.

I'm wondering if anyone in St Helens has ever received any post at all!

Second-class Michael posted a time of 2:36.

Will that send him into the next round?

I wouldn't go as far as to say it was a special delivery.

Certainly first class, possibly going on for second class.

Next to take on the Qualifier is 22-year-old Amita,

who describes herself simply as "awesome".

What kind of things do you do in your life to make you feel

you're awesome?

Multiple black belt in karate,

mango-juggling, professional air-guitar...

I can do the waltz, I think. Yes, I can do the waltz.

I can...

shoot a bow and arrow, I can ride a motorbike,

I can rally-drive a car, I can play snap.

I'm pretty good at snap, I've got a good long-jump,

I can play Scrabble...

-HE SNORES GENTLY

-..I can play football,

I can ski, balance on a ball quite well,

I can scuba-dive, I can snowboard, I can skydive...

-Amita, are you telling porky pies?

-No. I forgot to say pole-dance.

OK, that's enough of that.

Let's see how useful her long and honest list of genuine skills

will be on the Qualifier.

Oh! Is that on purpose?

SHE LAUGHS

The Wall Street Smash, a true test of Amita's awesomeness.

So here she goes. She's on, this is it.

-Oh, ow!

-SHE SCREAMS

Yeah, wall smash to the head, sweeper hit to the body.

It's kind of more average than awesome. That's just what happens.

Awesome. Yeah.

Double awesome. But Amita is still standing strong, give her that.

Oooh!

The Sucker Punch must be losing its touch.

Oh, now there it is, there's the touch.

Not really awesome. Adequate.

Yes, adequate.

Amita is currently unemployed, but with all the awesome skills

she's learned today I'm sure a new career is just around the corner.

As a crash-test dummy maybe.

But awesome Amita finishes the Qualifier in 3:23

and can now add mechanical rubber assault courses

to her long list of made-up skills.

Meet happily-married Philip and Eve. Awww, that's sweet.

Oh.

Philip, you may be my husband and an engineer,

but this one's going to suffer this course

and punish you for drinking all that beer!

Oh-ho-ho!

I didn't understand most of that, but it sounded so cross.

So it's 30-year-old Eve that kicks off this matrimonial face-off.

A lot at stake here.

Oh, an early slip. She's gone.

She's back.

Now, Eve's small stature is an advantage here,

easily ducking under those smash doors.

Yes! Oh, no. You can't duck the sweeper, Eve.

Oh, hang on. Oh, and that's a big hit to the little Brazilian.

I bet she can hear wedding bells right now.

SHE LAUGHS

Eve, you may be my wife, but I'm gonna rip you to shreds.

Aw, and they say romance is dead.

Philip on the Suckerpunch.

Not only representing England, he's representing husbands

and headband wearers everywhere.

Oh! Right in the nuptials!

Oh, Philip!

Big Red Balls for Eve. Good chance to show hubby how it's done.

There's the Demotivator.

And she's in. It worked.

Will Philip make the same mistake?

No, he charges! One, two, three...

No, not this time.

What was that hop, skip and a jump-a-loony?

Their times are very close,

so the war of the wedded will be settled on the Shapeshifter.

Bragging rights and a year of washing up at stake here.

Eve goes for it. She's in. She's out.

Which means it's all down to this one last slide.

Never has so much rested on what can only be described as, well...

playground equipment.

Philip's lost his headband, but will he keep his pride?

Nope, there it goes. Into the water.

And this was virtually identical to Eve's effort.

It's like they were meant to be together. It's beautiful, that.

Yeah, spiritually linked.

Mrs Eve finishes in 2:36, but it's Mr Philip who wears the trousers

and the smug grin, finishing in just under two minutes.

Whooo!

# D-I-V-O-R-C-E... #

-FLAMENCO MUSIC

-This is air traffic controller, Zoe Spain.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Zoe Spain.

She's not from Spain, she's from Egham.

What a cool, big, important job you have

to clear the skies of danger and to guide jumbo jets in to land.

Actually, it's quite a small little airport in Surrey

called Fairoaks. It's not that big.

Zoe Spain, who's not from Spain, takes off down the runway and...

Oh, eject! Eject! Too late.

Bit of a crash landing.

She's up against two giant propellers.

Her aviation skills might just come in handy here. Good start.

Oh, dear, no. She's in.

In case of an emergency, Zoe is pointing out the nearest exit,

to your right, down the steps and into the muddy water.

Now it's the Suckerpunch. Will it put the pain into Zoe's Spain?

Oh, well, so far so good.

Zoe taking every punch firmly on the chin.

-Good girl!

-Very brave. Or very stupid.

-It's brave, cos she's made it!

-BELL DINGS

Zoe's face must be black and blue.

And yellow and a bit orange, is that, by the looks of it? Yeah.

Not sure she can take much more of this punishment.

So she's at the top of the slide.

She slides down. Oh!

Ohh!

This is...

No. And now she's... Oh, no.

-Oh, dear.

-Hold on! Hang tight!

# I'm leavin' on a jet plane... #

Yeah, but no pain, no gain.

And with all that pain Zoe has gained a good time.

And now needs to gain some medical attention.

Next it's 25-year-old petrol-head from Kent.

TYRES SCREECH

So, Nathan, you clearly feel the need for speed,

but how speedy are you going to be on those Big Red Balls?

SHE MIMICS SPEEDING CAR Faster than that.

HE MIMICS EVEN FASTER CAR As fast as that.

Everyone's heard of Total Wipeout,

but this is going to be a total whitewash.

Um... That's a bad thing, isn't it?

OK. Right, softly, softly.

Catchy.... Oh. Well, nothing.

But he's up quickly and puts his foot on the pedal. Accelerating...

Thankfully there's no speed cameras here. Good manoeuvres from Nathan.

Oh, he's cleared... No. One slip and he was in.

It looked like he'd regained control,

but he swerves into the hard shoulder.

Now he's got a wet shoulder, as well. On to the Sucker Punch.

Oh, yeah. That was harsh.

Oh, that was a proper whack, forcing Nathan into a quick, muddy pit stop.

I say quick...

Right, he's got the green light for the Big Red Balls.

Go, go, go.

Yes. No. Yes?

No. False start.

Not so Formula One now.

But Nitro Nathan lives up to his speedy boast,

finishing in 2 minutes 16. Not bad.

So six runners in and it's Mr Philip that's taken the early lead

with Nitro Nathan hot on his heels.

Second-class Michael shares third with Mrs Eve

and Zoe Not From Spain is in fifth.

Awesome Amita is not living up to her name sat in sixth.

For years I've been pitching Total Wipeout: The Movie,

but due to lack of funding, lack of interest,

me not having got around to writing the script,

Angelina Jolie not returning any of my calls

and the whole restraining order thing,

it's remained a mere pipe dream.

Until today, for now I have the budget -

well, ish - and a leading actor, 28-year-old Jonathan from Cumbria.

So here goes. I've always wanted to do this.

Action!

Oh, it doesn't work.

Action!

-No, really. It's just not working...

-LOUDHAILER SCREECHES

Argh!

That stings. It's broken.

DRAMATIC VOICE: He was an actor from Cumbria...

Feel the river, feel the ride!

Get on up, it Total Wipeout time!

..she was a TV presenter who was watching his every move.

And laughing.

One man must face his fears, defy all the odds,

achieve the impossible and other really dramatic things.

That was useless.

One dream, one chance, one...

NORMAL VOICE: ..embarrassing slip on the slide.

DRAMATIC VOICE: If you only see one

Argentinian obstacle course-based movie this year,

make sure it's this one.

At a supermarket near you.

Because it wasn't good enough to get on the big screen.

Well, it needs a bit of work, but Lights, Camera, Jonathan

finishes in just under three minutes.

Next to run, and hoping for the luck of the Irish -

because he's Irish - is 26-year-old Kevin who lives in London.

Now, listen - are you a fighting fit Irishman, Kevin?

-Is that what you are? Have you got the Celtic spirit in you?

-Er...

..not really. I'm trying to do a little bit of preparation for this.

Didn't go all that well.

I went for a jog about three weeks ago and did a few push-ups

and nearly passed out after it,

so other than that, there hasn't been a lot of preparation.

Kevin to the Wall Street Smash. Here we go.

Oh, ducks and, again, the Smash Doors don't scare Kevin.

Whoo!

It's a lot harder to duck 22 mechanical fists, though,

and that's what he faces next.

See? Didn't duck. But he's still on.

He's nearly across the Sucker Punch, as well. This is amazing.

Oh!

-Look at those feet of flames. Whoo!

-This is an impressive run.

He's actually good at this stuff. Here we go...

Oh, until that happened.

The luck of the Irish run out on the second ball, exactly then.

It's all gone. Used up.

Finished. But he still manages to check his way into the top spot.

Quite good, Kev - I'll call him Quite Good Kev, in fact.

That's the most fun I've had with me clothes on in ages.

This is 38-year-old Masters student Georgia. She has a problem.

With cats.

You've been getting some unwanted attention, Georgia,

from some cats at home. What's that all about?

Oh, my God. I have loads of cats.

They just come, perch on the back of my fence and look in at me.

There's one that wears a denim jacket. Can you imagine?

-A black cat in a denim jacket.

-Are you serious?

-I'm dead serious.

OK. Right, well, can't afford to pussyfoot around

on the Wall Street Smash.

No, you see? Because that's what happens when you do.

-Ooh, I wonder how she's "feline" now?

-He-hey! She beat me to that.

-I had that...

-PAPER SCRUNCHES

Forget it.

Well, there's no time to "paws" for thought

as Georgia approaches the Big Red Balls.

It's mine! Yeah, over you go. Oh, that was going to shock her.

Oh, dear.

Yep, I think she's used up another one of them nine lives.

Stop it! Georgia finishes the course in five minutes and 40,

and that puts her in a less than purr-fect last place.

Mine. Time now for the Total Wipeout lonely hearts segment.

You know, like I do every week. About this time.

Today's letter comes from a Mr WS Smash from Buenos Aires

and it reads, "Dear Richard. I am unlucky in love.

"When anyone gets close to me I end up pushing them away

"or hurting them. I like to surprise people,

"sweep them off their feet,

"but when I open up, all they want to do is run away.

"Yours lonely-ly, the Wall Street Smash."

Well, you're in luck.

It's Total Wipeout Dating, but which lucky girl is going to win

a date with our mechanical macho-man tonight?

Will it be contestant number one?

She's a five-foot tall student who likes shopping and extreme sports,

but is terrified of pigeons. Meet fun-size Tash from Swindon.

Will she fall in love?

No. No, just in the water. You saw that coming.

I know. So did I. Wall Street smash has given her the brush off - ha-ha!

That's not a great first impression.

Contestant number two is a head chef and cage fighter, obviously,

which makes her one tough cookie.

Meet Kim from Liverpool.

So, will the cage-fighting chef hit it off with the Wall Street Smash?

No. No, it was just Kim that was hit off.

Yeah, well - they say love hurts. And that did.

Can the last contestant win the heart of the ten-foot foam bachelor?

She's a dental practice manager that says she's mad as a box of frogs.

Number three's always the wacky one. Meet Debbie from Newport.

Will she fall head over heels? Well, I'd say... Yeah.

Pretty obviously, yeah. The wall's being all bashful.

I think true love has been found. Debbie is dizzy in love.

Maybe somebody should check that's not concussion.

Could this be a love that lasts forever?

Oh, no - she's up and doing a runner.

Looks like the Wall Street Smash is going home alone tonight.

So let's see how their efforts have affected the current leaderboard.

Quite Good Kev has now jigged into the top spot,

Fun-size Tash jumps into sixth

and Tough Cookie Kim is only seconds behind in seventh.

In ninth, it's Lights, Camera, Jonathan,

whilst at the foot of the table is Box-Of-Frogs Debbie

and Cats Love Georgia in 11th and 12th.

Time for a clash of culture.

Now, I'm a big fan of rock music like Foo Fighters, Led Zep, AC/DC,

but I'm also a big fan of opera music.

Like...

that World Cup one that Pavarotti did. Just One Cornetto.

Well, next it's a rocker versus an opera-ra-rist.

I'm going to really enjoy this.

In fact, I'm going to put my glasses on to enjoy it

and then pour myself a crystal glass of vintage champagne.

Doing it for the opera people, it's 40-year-old Jason.

# Truly, no other they can compare. #

And in the rock corner its 53-year-old Jean.

Rock-and-roll, baby, yeah!

# I shall win... #

Rock-and-roll, baby, yeah!

# Of that, have no doubt. #

Rock-and-roll, baby, yeah!

Yeah, rock on!

Oh, dear. No, she's been rocked off.

Classic operatic warm-up for Jason.

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Oops.

And he's off!

Oh, dear. Right in the solar plexus.

Jean on the Sucker Punch. Let's see how tough this rocker really is.

That's it, Jean.

Yeah. Oh. Ooh.

Wow, the sucker punch actually seemed to help her out, there.

# You've got a friend... #

A helping hand. Must be a fellow rocker.

-Or not.

-Almost!

Now, One-Tenor Jason taking on the four balls. Oh.

That's kind of an up-and-overture.

Hope he didn't hurt his "leg or toe".

Get it? Legato? It's an opera joke. Never mind.

So Jean's time not looking too rock-and-roll at the moment.

Can't afford to hang around. Here we go.

Oh, goodness!

Didn't even touch the sides. Look at that!

If that was the aim, she'd have won. It wasn't.

And now Jason, on to the Shape Shifter.

-HE GRUNTS LOUDLY

-This isn't very operatic to me.

SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY

Down he goes...

Oh, Jason. Rubbish.

Yeah. Rock chick Jean completes the course in just under five minutes.

-Rock 'n' roll, baby!

-Well, not really, no.

But it's One-Tenor Jason, that has something to sing about

finishing in 2 minutes 30.

The fat lady has sung. It's over.

DISTORTED GUITAR

UKULELE STRUMS

# Goodbye. #

EARTH RUMBLES

CAR ALARMS WAIL

GLASS SHATTERS

Next it's mum of two, Kate from Wetherby.

Her three and six-year-old sons, Stanley and Max,

made her apply for the show.

I'm sure she'll do them proud. OK, that's not a good start.

Don't underestimate this Yorkshire pudding!

Mm, my favourite type of pudding. Yorkshire. OK.

Oh, a very elegant walk down the ramp.

Oh, well, that got her to the bottom quicker, I suppose.

OK, she's up.

Oh, she's lost a shoe, but the rest of her is still intact. So far.

Here we go. Oh, head smash!

-Watch your head!

-Too late.

Say that before it happens, not after.

OK, on to the Sucker Punch now.

Or not on to the Sucker Punch.

Hey, you haven't started yet!

That's what we call a welcome punch. Hi!

That's what we call just not very good.

Right, Silly Mummy Kate finishes in just 2 minutes 23

and is the quickest lady so far.

Your boys can officially be proud.

Stanley, I've done it for you. Whoo!

Now doing it for the dads is 39-year-old Tony,

who has eight children.

# I'm the king of eight and I'm here to state

# That everything here has to total 8. #

You've got eight children?

Eight children from 13 down to 10 days.

-Can you name them for me?

-I can.

Aisha Amira, Adnan, Adil, Aman, Amir, Aliya, Aleena.

He's not in my good books, you know.

Eight children all beginning with the letter A

and not one of them called Amanda.

Well, the Octo-poppa is off,

Tony hoping to prove that dad has still got it.

And he gets it all right - right in the face.

Now he's on to the sweeper and now he's in.

That was falling with style.

Talking of style, check out those amazing dad shorts.

Oh, straight into the mud - so are his shorts.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

If he can handle eight children,

I'm guessing four balls shouldn't be too hard.

# Everything here has to total eight. #

Here we go.

Oh, no.

Well, Octo-poppa Tony finishes in 3 minutes 16.

Daddy Cool, but daddy not quick.

# Everything here has to total eight. #

The next two competitors are desperate to lift

the Total Wipeout trophy,

but even more desperate to keep their hair dry.

18-year-old Ron is a lifeguard who can do one-armed press-ups.

He has big hair.

Just how fit are you, Ron?

Um, well, do you want to see?

Uh...OK.

Urgh! His stomach's all weird and lumpy!

A-doo Ron, Ron, Ron, ya do Ron, Ron! Whoa-ho-ho!

He's up against 26-year-old Tomasz

who's a casino croupier from Poland via Nottingham.

He has spiky hair.

Now, what kind of thing have you been doing in preparation for that?

I just tried to...

I was trying to look good and as long as I look good

and I'm comfortable with what I'm wearing

then it should be OK, I think.

Ron's first to go. The question is how long will that hair stay dry?

Oh. Hoo-hoo!

His hair is safe. It's dry so far.

Yeah, this is quick and dry.

He jumps, ducks and - oh, look at that!

That's how it's done.

Now, Tomasz. Will it be hair today, gone tomorrow?

Well, he ducks the first and, again, he's across with hair intact, too.

Maybe this is the answer. Ron's still dry,

but judging by today's Big Ball standards,

his big hair could be in big trouble here.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

He's on to the fourth ball! You're joking.

No, he's made it! Wow!

A superb crossing from Ron.

Maybe this is the answer -

desperation to keep your hair dry and, well, he does.

Can Tomasz get across without a hair wash, too?

Here we go.

Oh, no. No. The hair has taken a beating. Oh, he looks normal.

His hair's been all flattened, but his time is still looking good.

Can he make it across the Shape Shifter?

He's going for the Triangle...

In and out.

Get that man some straighteners.

His spirits are up.

Unfortunately, his hair obviously isn't.

But Tomasz The Tank Top is the quickest qualifier so far.

-I done it!

-One minute 40.

Will Ron's hair fit through the Shape Shifter?

It's through...and he's holding on.

Is he going to make it all the way around?

I am genuinely amazed.

He has.

-Here's his chance...

-AMANDA SQUEALS

He's done it! Across the balls.

First to beat the Shape Shifter

and with a time of only one minute 13 seconds, he's beaten Tomasz

and he's now top of the leaderboard, too.

All that and a completely dry hairdo.

I'm genuinely staggered.

Six-pack, plus an athlete, equals success in Total Wipeout.

Never mind, Tomasz.

18 contestants down, two still to go, and this is Emma,

a 26-year-old forensic psychologist who has a score to settle.

Rarrgh!

Now, is there anything you can draw on from the world

of forensic psychology that you can use to your advantage today?

My thesis is actually on revenge, so those Big Red Balls

better watch out cos I won't get mad, I'll just get even.

I've no idea why Emma wants revenge.

The qualifier hasn't done anything wrong, has it?

OK, it has now.

Right in the face.

So will Emma get even on the big red balls?

One, two, wet.

Nothing forensic about that.

She's got even... more wet than before.

I think the Qualifier may have won this one, Emma.

Emma completes the course in just over two minutes.

From one PhD student to... um...Alex.

Yeah!

I'm joined now at the top of the course by a very excitable

young man who is determined to put his village on the map.

This is Alex and he's a trainee maths teacher, I think.

-How are you doing?

-Hello. I'm very excited.

I'm going to win this course for my village. Farrington Gurney.

Will this be the most dramatic thing Farrington Gurney has ever seen?

Definitely top ten.

But we had village pantomime a few weekends ago and I was in it as well.

-Who did you play?

-I played the village idiot.

Yeah, I think is village should be on the map and it's not

because I want to go there.

But Alex is ploughing on after that slip and oh, no, he's down again.

But he's still going. Avoiding the Sweeper Arm.

And avoiding the Smash Door.

Alex got straight out of bed and came in his pyjamas this morning.

Alex approaching the balls.

Those mud-drenched pyjamas could be weighing him down.

That was amazing. He flew across those balls. He's still on.

Just one more jump. He's done it!

He's certainly put his village on the map now

and for all the very best of reasons.

With that amazing ball crossing,

Alex finishes in a very impressive 1 minute 41.

What a talented idiot!

And look how well you did.

-I did the Big Red Balls!

-Yeah, you did.

-First ever Big Red Ball person.

-Farrington Gurney, you should be proud.

-Thank you! Yes!

Right, let's have a look at the final leaderboard.

Hairdo Ron Ron his head, shoulders and hairdo above the rest.

Tomasz the Tank Top is second and Alex the Village Idiot is in third.

Don't Get Mad Get Emma is the best performing lady in sixth.

Silly Mummy Kate is eighth. One Tenor Jason sings his way to ninth.

Second Class Michael, Mrs Eve and Fun Size Tash

are in 10th, 11th and 12.

Unfortunately, the fat lady has sung for One Tenor Jason.

He picked up an injury on the Qualifier and has withdrawn from the competition.

That means Tough Cookie Kim

pops up from 13th to take his place in Double Cross.

So the qualifying qualifiers have qualified, which earns them the title of Qualifiers.

This means we say goodbye to the non-qualifying qualifiers who didn't qualify,

earning them the title of Losers.

# There are places I'll remember

# All my life, though some have changed

# Some for ever, not for better

# Some have gone and some remain. #

Double Cross works like this.

The 12 competitors line-up over there before making a run for it along any one

of the green gangways into the middle. Once in the centre,

they can only use the single red gangway to reach the finish.

The fact that the gangway's rotating one direction whilst

the big red cross rotates in the other, means this obstacle is categorised as really tricky.

First six across qualify for the next round.

So let's meet today's Double Crossers.

Fastest in the qualifier and biggest in the hair, it's Hairdo Ron Ron.

Alex, you've got your pyjamas on. You should have stayed in bed, man.

OK. It's pole-vault time for Tomasz the Tank Top.

This is P-P-P-Polish fire!

Third fastest in the qualifier, it's Alex the Village Idiot.

I may be wearing girls' pyjamas,

but I'm still the most macho man here. Rarrgh!

I think Alex is great. I like him.

Then there's Quite Good Kev and Mr Philip.

Eve, I beat you in the first round.

Now I'm going to seek beat you in the second round.

Don't Get Mad Get Emma is next.

And hold onto your hats, it's Nitro Nathan.

Then there's Silly Mummy Kate.

Don't double crosses this Yorkshire pudding.

I'd never double cross a Yorkshire pudding. And that's Mrs Eve.

Philip, I'm going to beat you on this one.

If not, I'm going to beat you when I get home.

Then it's Second-Class Michael, Fun Size Tash

and finally, Jason's replacement, Tough Cookie Kim.

I can't shout.

One motto in life is keep calm and life carry on.

That's so not going to work here,

so I suggest keep calm, carry on and run like crazy!

-It's Double Cross. Are you already?

-ALL: Yes.

Three, two, one.

KLAXON

The game is afoot. But nobody is moving their feet.

Tash gives it a go. Oh, just a test run, maybe. Emma.

Oh, I think that was Kate. This thing is brutal.

Hairdo Ron Ron, lasted as long as his nickname.

Remember, they can only use the green gangways

to get into the middle. Second-class Michael now and...Oh!

Collecting the post right in the ankle.

Right, it's Ron again. Oh!

Yeah. Fastest qualifier having no luck so far.

This is Mr Philip. Getting closer.

Michael now...is into the centre.

Finally.

What's this? Tomasz the Tank Top has joined Michael in the middle.

Nitro Nathan now.

Oh! Very close.

Quite Good Kev bolts for it. He's there as well.

Things are getting overcrowded in the centre now.

Remember they're all just waiting for that red gangway to come round.

It's the only way off. Michael's got one foot on the red gangway,

but then just sort of fell off.

Kevin attempts the exit.

Oh! That was close. Kevin almost made it across.

But then there was a pirouette somersault flip and a fall.

-I can't do it!

-Yes, you can. There's no such thing as can't.

-Possibly.

Tomasz alone in the middle. Come on, people. Nathan heard me.

Yes! He's on.

He's off. He's on. He's still on.

Mr Philip is back for more. The limbo. Oh!

Mr Philip is trying everything, but where's Mrs Eve?

Finally, Tomasz heads for the... water.

Getting off Double Cross is definitely difficult.

Michael now, third time lucky. Hurdles across.

And misses the middle completely. And in goes Nathan.

Into the middle. Surely he'll be able to do this.

Don't Get Mad Get Emma wants to join in and she's there. Just.

Kevin again now. And he's there. Michael too.

This is good middle management or something.

It's a Wipeout pile-up.

Oh, yeah, they're all there waiting for the optimum gap

betwixt red gangway and red cross.

That's the time to run to the finish. Kim piles on too.

Kevin sees his chance. Looking good.

Quite Good Kev is the first to qualify for the next round.

Oh, out of nowhere, Nathan speeds across to the finish line too.

-And we have Nathan.

-Nitro Nathan is through.

Meanwhile, Tomasz has reached the centre

and now Eve's chasing her husband.

She's got the Sweeper Arm. But oh, no. She's hanging on.

Eve's rapidly becoming untenable. And she's been dropped.

But her husband is still up. Still in the middle.

Tense now. Michael, second assault on the exit beam.

Jumps and...not enough.

Four places in the next round are still up for grabs.

Who's got the legs to do it. Tomasz is making his move. Superb.

What a finish. Three down, three to go.

Usually it's around here that it all gets very fast and frantic.

Tash into the middle. Hairdo Ron Ron... Can he make it?

Yes! No!

I feel for Ron, I really do. That was close. Oh!

Kim sets off from the starting podium.

Lovely skip and into the middle.

But it's too crowded for Emma.

She's off and leaps across the finish line.

Actually, the next bit's the finish line, there.

Emma is through to the next round. So two places remain.

Will they go to Mike, Kim, Philip, Eve, Ron, Tash, Alex or Kate?

Here comes Michael. Into the middle again.

And...that's Mr Philip.

Takes one to the legs but soldiers on to the middle,

leaving his wife behind.

Michael's got his eyes on the prize and just makes that jump.

But Philip's on hot on his heels and like that, it's all over.

Philip and Michael are through to the next round,

joining Kevin, Emma, Tomasz, and Nathan, but not Philip's wife, Eve.

And a huge upset for Ron, the fastest in the Qualifier, he's out.

And his hair is wet. Oh.

In years to come, that edition of Double Cross

will claim its rightful place among the epic tales of yore,

the Odyssey, Beowulf and my shaggy dog story about the ticket inspector

who keeps throwing passengers through the train window.

It's a belter.

But for now, it's time to wave a solemn goodbye to the six

unlucky souls who fell on the long march to victory.

OK, so there's this ticket inspector, right.

-He's walking along the train.

-Comes to the first passenger...

Double Cross is madness. I couldn't jump the Sweeper if I tried.

So I literally had to be Flash Tash or no Tash.

Nearly made it once, but yeah. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

Pretty gutted.

I was trying my hardest and I was just diving and going for it.

It's the best I could do.

It was a total disaster, wasn't it?

I really, really wanted to beat the Philip because he always claims

he's better than me, but I guess maybe it's true.

Aye, aye, aye. It hurt.

I wanted to get through.

I wanted to do the next round, but these things happen.

I can't do anything about it.

What you see here is a broken man.

I hope I haven't let down my village, my mum.

But it was not a good idea wearing pyjamas on the Total Wipeout course.

Today's Terror Go Round is brought to you by the good people

at Total Wipeout Airways. We hope you've enjoyed your flight.

Contestants must jog on the revolving turntable,

avoiding the spinning fickle fingers of fate,

as well as all the lost luggage items thrown by the Terror Twins.

There are three heats and each time,

the last person standing goes through to the Wipeout Zone.

Do you know what I've just spotted? Yep, that's right.

Too many contestants left in Total Wipeout.

Just going to have to get rid of half of them.

Terror Go Round should do it.

-Are you all ready?

-ALL: Yes.

-They think.

-Three, two, one.

-Let's meet the Terrified Go Rounders.

Can the postie with the mostie send himself through to the final?

It's Second-Class Michael.

With express delivery!

Behind every great man, there's a great woman.

Although, in this man's case, she is way behind on the losers' bench. It's Mr Philip.

I'm going to rip you to shreds.

He was first to jig over the Double Cross,

but will the luck of the Irish carry him all the way to the final? It's Quite Good Kev.

That's the most fun I've had with my clothes on in ages.

She's given the guys a run for their money and hoping to take

sweet revenge on the Terror Go Round, it's Don't Get Mad Get Emma.

It's time for revenge.

He's the fastest qualifier left and the fastest talker ever.

I absolutely love it... hairstyle like that.

No idea. But will his dreams of ten grand fall flat as his hair?

It's Tomasz the Tank Top.

And finally, he's all revved up for a few laps on the Terror Go Round,

but will he be in pole position for the Wipeout Zone or just exhausted?

It's Nitro Nathan.

This is going to be a total whitewash.

So the frantic fast-paced fun begins.

Admittedly, not that frantic just yet.

But the Terror Twins haven't started lobbing their luggage yet.

Six remaining contestants, only three places in the final.

There they go. Holdall to the head for Tomasz.

That will ruin his hat hair.

There goes the Teddy. My favourite. Ouch.

They seem to be coping well,

but those fingers of fate will soon come into play.

Kevin using his feet to kick the box out of the way.

Oh, and here they come. Oh, good step over.

But Philip's gone in off the front. And there's trouble at the back.

Oh! Tomasz is in.

Lifted high off the turntable and dumped in the pool,

he's out of the game, at least for this heat.

So, four left standing. Here comes the finger.

Emma gets flipped and dunked. Head first. Down to three now.

Preparing to jump. Everyone's down.

They must stay this side of the punchbags. Back on their feet.

Michael's in trouble and Kevin's gone in.

All of that means Nitro Nathan is the last one standing

and the first one through to today's Wipeout Zone.

Second heat, five competitors left and the Terror Twins have got

a new trolley full of luggage.

All locally sourced. About time for those fingers to start.

This could be carnage.

Emma is over, but there's trouble at the back. Philip's first in again.

Synchronised bar work from Philip and Michael,

but Philip just lost his balance. He's out of this heat.

Second finger gets Michael that time.

Just Emma, Kevin and Tomasz left standing.

Oh, stumble from Kevin but he's back to his feet. Great recovery.

Hi jump from Tomasz. This is strong work from everyone.

Oh, Emma is down. Get up, get up.

No, she is under the punchbags and out of this heat.

So, Tomasz and Kevin, who is going through to the Wipeout Zone?

Looks like Kevin is struggling a bit there. There's no let-up in this.

He's down, he's gone. And Tomasz is through.

Tomasz, you're through to the final. Tomasz, you need to get off.

It's finished. You need to... Hello. There you go.

Concentrating a bit too hard maybe.

For Second-Class Michael, Mr Philip, Quite Good Kev,

and Don't Get Mad Get Emma,

this is the last chance to avoid elimination.

Only one can go through to the Wipeout Zone.

And they're off again. Terror Twins going hell for leather.

Throwing all their toys out of the pram.

Thinking about it, I'm not sure this is safe.

Cos those bags are a real trip hazard.

As are the Fingers Of Fate.

Emma's on but she's hanging on in there. Kevin almost gone.

No, he has gone. No, yes, no. No.

Gone. Kevin is out of Total Wipeout.

Emma's on her knees. Can she recover it?

No, she's out of the game, too.

It's now between Philip and Michael

for that last remaining spot in the Wipeout Zone.

That finger is fast.

Philip has fallen and in the blink of an eye it's all over.

Mr Philip is out of Total Wipeout.

But a first-class performance from Second-Class Michael

bags him the third and final spot in today's Wipeout Zone.

Which means it's time to wave goodbye to three brave competitors.

She came here for revenge but the Terror-Go-Round had the last laugh.

Farewell, Don't Get Mad Get Emma.

Quite good wasn't quite good enough for Quite Good Kev.

And although he's leaving us, he can at least be with his wife once more.

Over on the spectators' bench. Farewell, Mr Philip.

So there are only moments to go now

before today's thrilling Wipeout Zone begins.

I'm not entirely sure how long a moment is,

but it just so happens I've bought my Victorian momentometer.

So, three moments...

Two moments...

One moments...

Wipeout Zone!

Oh...

Yeah, momentometer is fast. It'll be coming up any time now, I imagine.

Unless...

I tell you what I'm going to bring to this final - one word. "Bottle."

It's just so hard. Nothing in the world can prepare you for this.

It's an unbelievable experience

and I'm never going to forget it for the rest of my life.

I never would expect I could actually get into the final

and my family is going to be really proud of me, especially my mum.

At the start I didn't really expect much of him

but he done better than I thought.

He's a fit lad but will he bottle it in the final? I think he will.

People have thought I'm going to be rubbish because of what I was wearing

and actually I'm here, it's just amazing.

It nearly all went wrong, but I've found my rhythm

and I knew I'd come good in the end. And it's game on.

I think he's done really good.

He doesn't give up and never stops.

I'm not far off.

I feel I've got the better of him for the next one.

To win here tonight would mean everything to me.

If you get the title of Total Wipeout champion,

no-one's going to take that away.

If I win tonight, I will feel so good about myself.

At the age of 17 I was diagnosed with cancer.

Um, from that experience, going through everything that I had to do,

and then here we are, years later, I'm back, fighting fit.

Now I'm ready to beat this.

This is for all the old boys. Life begins at 40.

This is my time. I am here, ready to win this.

This is the biggest challenge of my life and I feel so excited.

This is going to be fantastic.

Three guys on the road to destiny and there's no speed limit.

Who's in the fast lane

and who's on the hard shoulder waiting for the tow truck?

This is the Wipeout Zone and Michael is the first to brave it.

Can Second-Class Michael deliver yet another first-class performance?

-Cometh the hour, cometh the rasta postman.

-Yeah, that old chestnut!

-HOOTER

-Right, here he goes.

Special delivery!

So Michael gets today's final started.

He'll be setting the benchmark to beat.

A swim to the Rapid Climb.

And once he sets foot on the Rapid Climb

he's got ten seconds to scale it.

-Else a tidal wave will be released.

-That's it.

Over the Garden Gate, Michael. Whoo!

He's up, so the countdown begins. Michael is doing well so far.

Tidal wave defeated.

Now, to the Seesaw of Truth. Michael is charging across it.

Yes, keeps his balance.

Will he be able to weave his way

across the Crazy Sweeper? This claims a lot...

-Oh, no, he's fallen!

-Oh!

Michael totally misjudged the Sweeper there,

as so many have done, and he's paid for it.

Vital seconds lost. The final straight now, though.

The Turntables. Safely onto the first.

Now to the Pillars of No Return.

No! Oh...

That leap was way too short.

A second big slip.

Michael now needs to summon a final burst of energy

to make this one last jump.

He's there. 2:41. Not bad. But definitely beatable.

-Come on out, my lovely postman.

-Hello there.

How are you feeling after that performance?

Er, I'm feeling 40 years old, actually.

-It was hard work.

-Listen, Michael, well done.

You did that in two minutes and 41 seconds,

-which isn't bad for someone who fell off a couple of times.

-That's right.

-Tomasz is up next, so let's watch.

-OK.

He's got a hedgehog under that helmet. Tomasz.

-Everybody live your dream! Whoo!

-I think this is more of a nightmare.

-HOOTER

-And here he goes.

He doesn't yet know how Michael got on

so he's going to be concentrating on going as fast as he can.

Come on, Tomasz.

Yeah, wonderful sportsmanship from Michael. Let's see if that lasts.

Tomasz getting a refreshing blast of water in the face, but now he's up.

And the tidal wave countdown has started.

A little slip.

And he's up again, and now bounding up with the aid of the banister.

-Come along, the Pole.

-It's more of a beam, actually.

Tomasz taking things very cautiously here.

Up to the balance point.

Tips it slowly.

He's cleared it. Taking no chances.

Right, crunch time. This is where Michael's first slip-up came.

Ducks.

Tomasz looking very comfortable up there.

He's cleared it. Just about.

Yes, very slick. Just the Turntables to go now.

He's onto the first. Lines up his next jump.

-No!

-Oh!

-Same place as Michael.

Tomasz slams into a Pillar Of No Return

and there is no returning from that.

Oh, wait, seems there is. Tomasz nearly there.

This is quicker than Michael. 1:44. Faster by nearly a minute.

Tomasz, you started out the Qualifier all bunny ears and bow ties,

and now look at you. You're all serious

and that serious performance...

-has just made you beat Michael. Well done!

-My God, thank you very much.

Michael, hard luck, my man, go join the others.

What can you do? My 40-year-old legs caught up with me in the end.

See you later, Michael.

Tomasz, Nathan is up next and yours is the time to beat.

-Let's watch.

-Can I have a kiss?

Nitro Nathan prepares for his final lap.

-Dig, Max, dig!

-I don't know what that means.

-HOOTER

-But let's not question him now. He's busy.

Time for the big finale.

So now it's a straight battle between Nathan and Tomasz.

And while Nathan doesn't know it, 1:44 is the time he must beat

if he is to win today's competition.

And the £10,000 prize.

And remember, Tomasz did make one slip,

-so an error-free run from Nathan will probably be enough.

-Knees up!

He is, and the clock starts ticking now,

but Nitro Nathan accelerating up the Rapid Climb.

Oh, that's no problem. Right, See-Saw time.

It looks slippy but Nathan is looking well balanced. He's across.

Just.

Now the Crazy Sweeper. Nathan waits for his moment.

Careful, Nathan.

He's dashing.

Ooh, some sensible ducking. But slow to get back up.

-Get down!

-Oh. Near miss there.

Up a bit quicker this time, and yes.

Right. Turntables.

Tomasz and Michael both fell here.

So a clean run now and the title is Nathan's.

Yes! No!

No!

Oh, that's the third strike today for the Pillars Of No Return.

Nathan clambers up the ladder,

but he's going to need a miracle now to beat Tomasz's time.

Get up, get up!

Oh, every second!

A great run! But ten seconds too slow today.

Nathan, come on out, my lovely. What a fantastic run from you.

It's so hard. The ladders are so hard.

But I did my best, that's all I can do.

Tomasz, I know this means an awful lot to you, too.

Tomasz, you are the Total Wipeout champion tonight!

Hard luck, Nathan.

HE CHEERS

So today's winner of the Total Wipeout trophy and £10,000

is Tomasz Wiczneski, a 26-year-old croupier from Nottingham.

And if you've enjoyed Tomasz's performances half as much as me,

you'll want one of these -

a Tomasz-tribute hairpiece,

available nationwide in Hammond's Party Emporium.

That's it from today's show. From Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd