Episode 4 Total Wipeout


Episode 4

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A long time ago, before the dinosaurs and stuff,

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the Earth was ruled by an even deadlier species.

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Today, using science, genetics and Argentinian craftsmanship,

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these monsters have been brought back to life.

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Welcome to Total Wipeout.

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Let's just hope they don't escape and eat the contestants.

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Tonight, 20 Brits, including a postman, a maths teacher

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and an opera singer,

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will attempt to tackle these world-renowned plastic predators.

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Let the games begin!

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Hello and welcome to Total Wipeout,

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which tonight is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

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CHEERING

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All the usual thrills and spills...

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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..but this time it's all in front of a live studio audience!

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-CHEERING

-Oh, this is great!

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Hey, what do you call a coach horse that can play bass guitar?

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Pull-My-Cart-Ney!

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TOTAL SILENCE

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OK, let's see what the competitors are up against today.

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The Qualifier - Tough, with a capital T.

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Double Cross - Tough, with a capital T underlined.

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Terror-Go-Round - Tough, with a capital T underlined and in bold.

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And the Wipeout Zone - Tough, all in capitals, double underlined,

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in bold, and with a few exclamation marks at the end.

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Tonight's show promises to be a real rollercoaster.

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-CHEERING

-Not yet.

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-Tonight's show...

-CHEERING

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Right, forget it, we're not doing the whole audience thing now.

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AUDIENCE: Awwww!

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STAMPEDING FEET

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-DOOR SLAMS

-Let's join Amanda at the top of the course

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with today's first contestant.

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Pull-My-Cart-Ney. It's genius.

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Special delivery for the Qualifier.

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I'm joined now by my next contestant.

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This is Michael from St Helens and he's a postman.

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Michael, how are you doing?

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I am aiming to become a legend on the mail-delivering circuit of St Helens.

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And I'm not just talking St Helens, Amanda.

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This could propel me to the big-time.

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I'm talking the outskirts, as well.

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I'm talking Haydock, Billinge, Rainford... Thatto Heath.

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So, 40-year-old, slightly terrifying postie Michael

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is the first to tackle today's Qualifier.

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He talks the talk, but will he deliver on the course?

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Well, he's quickly across the pontoons,

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which means he's about to come to the first stop on his route.

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A brand new addition to the Total Wipeout course,

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the Wall Street Smash

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It's three obstacles in one.

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Contestants must keep one eye on the sweeping arm,

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the other eye on keeping their balance.

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And then the other eye on the giant pieces of wall that swing out

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and smash you in the face.

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Here we go.

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Oh! Special delivery!

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Oh, watch your head, Michael!

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That Wall Street Smash doesn't like unexpected mail,

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so unexpected MALE - spelt differently, Michael,

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is stamped and sent straight to his destination - muddy water.

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A painful lesson to learn. He won't be doing that again in a hurry.

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Here he goes. Watch out for the... Oh, be careful of the... And the...

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And then there's the...

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Oh, no, he's in.

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HE LAUGHS

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This is tricky, isn't it?

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Next, it punches, it punches, it squirts paint

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and it punches some more.

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Here we go.

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Well, he's ducked the paint, but not the fists.

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Avoided damaging his package, but it's not really an express delivery so far.

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Now for the part of his route that he's dreading.

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Four big red spheres that do not know the meaning of the words

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"Do not bend", the Big Red Balls.

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Oh, er, yeah, that works.

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Ball one...

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-and he's in. Second-class fall.

-That was rubbish!

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Maybe he'll have a bit more. luck on the final obstacle -

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it's the Shapeshifter.

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Up the ladder...

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..down the slide. And which window shall we go through today?

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The square window?

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The triangle window?

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Or the round window?

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Yeah, that's right, probably none of them.

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So the postman has nearly reached his final destination.

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All he has to do now is post himself through one of the holes.

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Should be easy for Michael.

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Here we go. Oh, no. No.

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A postman missing the hole.

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I'm wondering if anyone in St Helens has ever received any post at all!

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Second-class Michael posted a time of 2:36.

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Will that send him into the next round?

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I wouldn't go as far as to say it was a special delivery.

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Certainly first class, possibly going on for second class.

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Next to take on the Qualifier is 22-year-old Amita,

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who describes herself simply as "awesome".

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What kind of things do you do in your life to make you feel

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you're awesome?

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Multiple black belt in karate,

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mango-juggling, professional air-guitar...

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I can do the waltz, I think. Yes, I can do the waltz.

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I can...

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shoot a bow and arrow, I can ride a motorbike,

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I can rally-drive a car, I can play snap.

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I'm pretty good at snap, I've got a good long-jump,

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I can play Scrabble...

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-HE SNORES GENTLY

-..I can play football,

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I can ski, balance on a ball quite well,

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I can scuba-dive, I can snowboard, I can skydive...

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-Amita, are you telling porky pies?

-No. I forgot to say pole-dance.

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OK, that's enough of that.

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Let's see how useful her long and honest list of genuine skills

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will be on the Qualifier.

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Oh! Is that on purpose?

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SHE LAUGHS

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The Wall Street Smash, a true test of Amita's awesomeness.

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So here she goes. She's on, this is it.

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-Oh, ow!

-SHE SCREAMS

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Yeah, wall smash to the head, sweeper hit to the body.

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It's kind of more average than awesome. That's just what happens.

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Awesome. Yeah.

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Double awesome. But Amita is still standing strong, give her that.

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Oooh!

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The Sucker Punch must be losing its touch.

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Oh, now there it is, there's the touch.

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Not really awesome. Adequate.

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Yes, adequate.

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Amita is currently unemployed, but with all the awesome skills

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she's learned today I'm sure a new career is just around the corner.

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As a crash-test dummy maybe.

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But awesome Amita finishes the Qualifier in 3:23

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and can now add mechanical rubber assault courses

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to her long list of made-up skills.

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Meet happily-married Philip and Eve. Awww, that's sweet.

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Oh.

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Philip, you may be my husband and an engineer,

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but this one's going to suffer this course

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and punish you for drinking all that beer!

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Oh-ho-ho!

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I didn't understand most of that, but it sounded so cross.

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So it's 30-year-old Eve that kicks off this matrimonial face-off.

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A lot at stake here.

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Oh, an early slip. She's gone.

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She's back.

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Now, Eve's small stature is an advantage here,

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easily ducking under those smash doors.

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Yes! Oh, no. You can't duck the sweeper, Eve.

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Oh, hang on. Oh, and that's a big hit to the little Brazilian.

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I bet she can hear wedding bells right now.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Eve, you may be my wife, but I'm gonna rip you to shreds.

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Aw, and they say romance is dead.

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Philip on the Suckerpunch.

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Not only representing England, he's representing husbands

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and headband wearers everywhere.

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Oh! Right in the nuptials!

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Oh, Philip!

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Big Red Balls for Eve. Good chance to show hubby how it's done.

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There's the Demotivator.

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And she's in. It worked.

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Will Philip make the same mistake?

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No, he charges! One, two, three...

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No, not this time.

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What was that hop, skip and a jump-a-loony?

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Their times are very close,

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so the war of the wedded will be settled on the Shapeshifter.

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Bragging rights and a year of washing up at stake here.

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Eve goes for it. She's in. She's out.

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Which means it's all down to this one last slide.

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Never has so much rested on what can only be described as, well...

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playground equipment.

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Philip's lost his headband, but will he keep his pride?

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Nope, there it goes. Into the water.

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And this was virtually identical to Eve's effort.

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It's like they were meant to be together. It's beautiful, that.

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Yeah, spiritually linked.

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Mrs Eve finishes in 2:36, but it's Mr Philip who wears the trousers

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and the smug grin, finishing in just under two minutes.

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Whooo!

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# D-I-V-O-R-C-E... #

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-FLAMENCO MUSIC

-This is air traffic controller, Zoe Spain.

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Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Zoe Spain.

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She's not from Spain, she's from Egham.

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What a cool, big, important job you have

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to clear the skies of danger and to guide jumbo jets in to land.

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Actually, it's quite a small little airport in Surrey

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called Fairoaks. It's not that big.

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Zoe Spain, who's not from Spain, takes off down the runway and...

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Oh, eject! Eject! Too late.

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Bit of a crash landing.

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She's up against two giant propellers.

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Her aviation skills might just come in handy here. Good start.

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Oh, dear, no. She's in.

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In case of an emergency, Zoe is pointing out the nearest exit,

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to your right, down the steps and into the muddy water.

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Now it's the Suckerpunch. Will it put the pain into Zoe's Spain?

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Oh, well, so far so good.

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Zoe taking every punch firmly on the chin.

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-Good girl!

-Very brave. Or very stupid.

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-It's brave, cos she's made it!

-BELL DINGS

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Zoe's face must be black and blue.

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And yellow and a bit orange, is that, by the looks of it? Yeah.

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Not sure she can take much more of this punishment.

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So she's at the top of the slide.

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She slides down. Oh!

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Ohh!

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This is...

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No. And now she's... Oh, no.

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-Oh, dear.

-Hold on! Hang tight!

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# I'm leavin' on a jet plane... #

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Yeah, but no pain, no gain.

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And with all that pain Zoe has gained a good time.

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And now needs to gain some medical attention.

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Next it's 25-year-old petrol-head from Kent.

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TYRES SCREECH

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So, Nathan, you clearly feel the need for speed,

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but how speedy are you going to be on those Big Red Balls?

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SHE MIMICS SPEEDING CAR Faster than that.

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HE MIMICS EVEN FASTER CAR As fast as that.

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Everyone's heard of Total Wipeout,

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but this is going to be a total whitewash.

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Um... That's a bad thing, isn't it?

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OK. Right, softly, softly.

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Catchy.... Oh. Well, nothing.

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But he's up quickly and puts his foot on the pedal. Accelerating...

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Thankfully there's no speed cameras here. Good manoeuvres from Nathan.

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Oh, he's cleared... No. One slip and he was in.

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It looked like he'd regained control,

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but he swerves into the hard shoulder.

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Now he's got a wet shoulder, as well. On to the Sucker Punch.

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Oh, yeah. That was harsh.

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Oh, that was a proper whack, forcing Nathan into a quick, muddy pit stop.

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I say quick...

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Right, he's got the green light for the Big Red Balls.

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Go, go, go.

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Yes. No. Yes?

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No. False start.

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Not so Formula One now.

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But Nitro Nathan lives up to his speedy boast,

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finishing in 2 minutes 16. Not bad.

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So six runners in and it's Mr Philip that's taken the early lead

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with Nitro Nathan hot on his heels.

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Second-class Michael shares third with Mrs Eve

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and Zoe Not From Spain is in fifth.

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Awesome Amita is not living up to her name sat in sixth.

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For years I've been pitching Total Wipeout: The Movie,

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but due to lack of funding, lack of interest,

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me not having got around to writing the script,

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Angelina Jolie not returning any of my calls

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and the whole restraining order thing,

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it's remained a mere pipe dream.

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Until today, for now I have the budget -

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well, ish - and a leading actor, 28-year-old Jonathan from Cumbria.

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So here goes. I've always wanted to do this.

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Action!

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Oh, it doesn't work.

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Action!

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-No, really. It's just not working...

-LOUDHAILER SCREECHES

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Argh!

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That stings. It's broken.

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DRAMATIC VOICE: He was an actor from Cumbria...

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Feel the river, feel the ride!

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Get on up, it Total Wipeout time!

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..she was a TV presenter who was watching his every move.

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And laughing.

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One man must face his fears, defy all the odds,

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achieve the impossible and other really dramatic things.

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That was useless.

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One dream, one chance, one...

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NORMAL VOICE: ..embarrassing slip on the slide.

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DRAMATIC VOICE: If you only see one

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Argentinian obstacle course-based movie this year,

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make sure it's this one.

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At a supermarket near you.

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Because it wasn't good enough to get on the big screen.

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Well, it needs a bit of work, but Lights, Camera, Jonathan

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finishes in just under three minutes.

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Next to run, and hoping for the luck of the Irish -

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because he's Irish - is 26-year-old Kevin who lives in London.

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Now, listen - are you a fighting fit Irishman, Kevin?

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-Is that what you are? Have you got the Celtic spirit in you?

-Er...

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..not really. I'm trying to do a little bit of preparation for this.

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Didn't go all that well.

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I went for a jog about three weeks ago and did a few push-ups

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and nearly passed out after it,

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so other than that, there hasn't been a lot of preparation.

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Kevin to the Wall Street Smash. Here we go.

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Oh, ducks and, again, the Smash Doors don't scare Kevin.

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Whoo!

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It's a lot harder to duck 22 mechanical fists, though,

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and that's what he faces next.

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See? Didn't duck. But he's still on.

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He's nearly across the Sucker Punch, as well. This is amazing.

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Oh!

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-Look at those feet of flames. Whoo!

-This is an impressive run.

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He's actually good at this stuff. Here we go...

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Oh, until that happened.

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The luck of the Irish run out on the second ball, exactly then.

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It's all gone. Used up.

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Finished. But he still manages to check his way into the top spot.

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Quite good, Kev - I'll call him Quite Good Kev, in fact.

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That's the most fun I've had with me clothes on in ages.

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This is 38-year-old Masters student Georgia. She has a problem.

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With cats.

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You've been getting some unwanted attention, Georgia,

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from some cats at home. What's that all about?

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Oh, my God. I have loads of cats.

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They just come, perch on the back of my fence and look in at me.

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There's one that wears a denim jacket. Can you imagine?

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-A black cat in a denim jacket.

-Are you serious?

-I'm dead serious.

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OK. Right, well, can't afford to pussyfoot around

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on the Wall Street Smash.

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No, you see? Because that's what happens when you do.

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-Ooh, I wonder how she's "feline" now?

-He-hey! She beat me to that.

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-I had that...

-PAPER SCRUNCHES

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Forget it.

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Well, there's no time to "paws" for thought

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as Georgia approaches the Big Red Balls.

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It's mine! Yeah, over you go. Oh, that was going to shock her.

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Oh, dear.

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Yep, I think she's used up another one of them nine lives.

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Stop it! Georgia finishes the course in five minutes and 40,

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and that puts her in a less than purr-fect last place.

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Mine. Time now for the Total Wipeout lonely hearts segment.

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You know, like I do every week. About this time.

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Today's letter comes from a Mr WS Smash from Buenos Aires

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and it reads, "Dear Richard. I am unlucky in love.

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"When anyone gets close to me I end up pushing them away

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"or hurting them. I like to surprise people,

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"sweep them off their feet,

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"but when I open up, all they want to do is run away.

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"Yours lonely-ly, the Wall Street Smash."

0:18:590:19:03

Well, you're in luck.

0:19:030:19:06

It's Total Wipeout Dating, but which lucky girl is going to win

0:19:080:19:11

a date with our mechanical macho-man tonight?

0:19:110:19:15

Will it be contestant number one?

0:19:150:19:17

She's a five-foot tall student who likes shopping and extreme sports,

0:19:170:19:21

but is terrified of pigeons. Meet fun-size Tash from Swindon.

0:19:210:19:25

Will she fall in love?

0:19:270:19:29

No. No, just in the water. You saw that coming.

0:19:310:19:34

I know. So did I. Wall Street smash has given her the brush off - ha-ha!

0:19:340:19:38

That's not a great first impression.

0:19:380:19:41

Contestant number two is a head chef and cage fighter, obviously,

0:19:430:19:46

which makes her one tough cookie.

0:19:460:19:48

Meet Kim from Liverpool.

0:19:480:19:51

So, will the cage-fighting chef hit it off with the Wall Street Smash?

0:19:510:19:57

No. No, it was just Kim that was hit off.

0:19:570:19:59

Yeah, well - they say love hurts. And that did.

0:20:040:20:09

Can the last contestant win the heart of the ten-foot foam bachelor?

0:20:090:20:14

She's a dental practice manager that says she's mad as a box of frogs.

0:20:140:20:19

Number three's always the wacky one. Meet Debbie from Newport.

0:20:190:20:23

Will she fall head over heels? Well, I'd say... Yeah.

0:20:230:20:28

Pretty obviously, yeah. The wall's being all bashful.

0:20:280:20:31

I think true love has been found. Debbie is dizzy in love.

0:20:320:20:36

Maybe somebody should check that's not concussion.

0:20:360:20:39

Could this be a love that lasts forever?

0:20:390:20:41

Oh, no - she's up and doing a runner.

0:20:430:20:44

Looks like the Wall Street Smash is going home alone tonight.

0:20:440:20:48

So let's see how their efforts have affected the current leaderboard.

0:20:540:20:58

Quite Good Kev has now jigged into the top spot,

0:20:580:21:00

Fun-size Tash jumps into sixth

0:21:000:21:02

and Tough Cookie Kim is only seconds behind in seventh.

0:21:020:21:05

In ninth, it's Lights, Camera, Jonathan,

0:21:050:21:07

whilst at the foot of the table is Box-Of-Frogs Debbie

0:21:070:21:10

and Cats Love Georgia in 11th and 12th.

0:21:100:21:12

Time for a clash of culture.

0:21:120:21:16

Now, I'm a big fan of rock music like Foo Fighters, Led Zep, AC/DC,

0:21:160:21:21

but I'm also a big fan of opera music.

0:21:210:21:24

Like...

0:21:240:21:26

that World Cup one that Pavarotti did. Just One Cornetto.

0:21:260:21:30

Well, next it's a rocker versus an opera-ra-rist.

0:21:300:21:34

I'm going to really enjoy this.

0:21:340:21:35

In fact, I'm going to put my glasses on to enjoy it

0:21:350:21:38

and then pour myself a crystal glass of vintage champagne.

0:21:380:21:41

Doing it for the opera people, it's 40-year-old Jason.

0:21:450:21:48

# Truly, no other they can compare. #

0:21:480:21:52

And in the rock corner its 53-year-old Jean.

0:21:520:21:55

Rock-and-roll, baby, yeah!

0:21:550:21:57

# I shall win... #

0:21:570:21:59

Rock-and-roll, baby, yeah!

0:21:590:22:01

# Of that, have no doubt. #

0:22:010:22:05

Rock-and-roll, baby, yeah!

0:22:070:22:09

Yeah, rock on!

0:22:120:22:13

Oh, dear. No, she's been rocked off.

0:22:130:22:16

Classic operatic warm-up for Jason.

0:22:190:22:22

-HE BREAKS WIND

-Oops.

0:22:220:22:23

And he's off!

0:22:260:22:28

Oh, dear. Right in the solar plexus.

0:22:280:22:31

Jean on the Sucker Punch. Let's see how tough this rocker really is.

0:22:340:22:37

That's it, Jean.

0:22:400:22:41

Yeah. Oh. Ooh.

0:22:410:22:43

Wow, the sucker punch actually seemed to help her out, there.

0:22:430:22:46

# You've got a friend... #

0:22:460:22:50

A helping hand. Must be a fellow rocker.

0:22:500:22:53

-Or not.

-Almost!

0:22:530:22:55

Now, One-Tenor Jason taking on the four balls. Oh.

0:23:010:23:05

That's kind of an up-and-overture.

0:23:070:23:10

Hope he didn't hurt his "leg or toe".

0:23:100:23:12

Get it? Legato? It's an opera joke. Never mind.

0:23:120:23:15

So Jean's time not looking too rock-and-roll at the moment.

0:23:190:23:22

Can't afford to hang around. Here we go.

0:23:220:23:25

Oh, goodness!

0:23:250:23:28

Didn't even touch the sides. Look at that!

0:23:280:23:31

If that was the aim, she'd have won. It wasn't.

0:23:310:23:34

And now Jason, on to the Shape Shifter.

0:23:340:23:37

-HE GRUNTS LOUDLY

-This isn't very operatic to me.

0:23:370:23:39

SHE SINGS OPERATICALLY

0:23:400:23:44

Down he goes...

0:23:460:23:48

Oh, Jason. Rubbish.

0:23:480:23:52

Yeah. Rock chick Jean completes the course in just under five minutes.

0:23:520:23:56

-Rock 'n' roll, baby!

-Well, not really, no.

0:23:560:24:00

But it's One-Tenor Jason, that has something to sing about

0:24:010:24:04

finishing in 2 minutes 30.

0:24:040:24:06

The fat lady has sung. It's over.

0:24:090:24:11

DISTORTED GUITAR

0:24:110:24:13

UKULELE STRUMS

0:24:130:24:15

# Goodbye. #

0:24:150:24:17

EARTH RUMBLES

0:24:170:24:19

CAR ALARMS WAIL

0:24:200:24:22

GLASS SHATTERS

0:24:220:24:24

Next it's mum of two, Kate from Wetherby.

0:24:270:24:29

Her three and six-year-old sons, Stanley and Max,

0:24:290:24:32

made her apply for the show.

0:24:320:24:34

I'm sure she'll do them proud. OK, that's not a good start.

0:24:340:24:37

Don't underestimate this Yorkshire pudding!

0:24:370:24:41

Mm, my favourite type of pudding. Yorkshire. OK.

0:24:410:24:45

Oh, a very elegant walk down the ramp.

0:24:450:24:48

Oh, well, that got her to the bottom quicker, I suppose.

0:24:480:24:51

OK, she's up.

0:24:510:24:53

Oh, she's lost a shoe, but the rest of her is still intact. So far.

0:24:530:24:58

Here we go. Oh, head smash!

0:24:580:25:01

-Watch your head!

-Too late.

0:25:010:25:03

Say that before it happens, not after.

0:25:030:25:06

OK, on to the Sucker Punch now.

0:25:090:25:12

Or not on to the Sucker Punch.

0:25:120:25:14

Hey, you haven't started yet!

0:25:140:25:16

That's what we call a welcome punch. Hi!

0:25:160:25:20

That's what we call just not very good.

0:25:200:25:22

Right, Silly Mummy Kate finishes in just 2 minutes 23

0:25:240:25:27

and is the quickest lady so far.

0:25:270:25:29

Your boys can officially be proud.

0:25:290:25:31

Stanley, I've done it for you. Whoo!

0:25:310:25:36

Now doing it for the dads is 39-year-old Tony,

0:25:360:25:39

who has eight children.

0:25:390:25:40

# I'm the king of eight and I'm here to state

0:25:400:25:43

# That everything here has to total 8. #

0:25:430:25:45

You've got eight children?

0:25:460:25:48

Eight children from 13 down to 10 days.

0:25:480:25:51

-Can you name them for me?

-I can.

0:25:510:25:54

Aisha Amira, Adnan, Adil, Aman, Amir, Aliya, Aleena.

0:25:540:26:00

He's not in my good books, you know.

0:26:000:26:02

Eight children all beginning with the letter A

0:26:020:26:05

and not one of them called Amanda.

0:26:050:26:07

Well, the Octo-poppa is off,

0:26:070:26:10

Tony hoping to prove that dad has still got it.

0:26:100:26:13

And he gets it all right - right in the face.

0:26:130:26:16

Now he's on to the sweeper and now he's in.

0:26:160:26:19

That was falling with style.

0:26:190:26:21

Talking of style, check out those amazing dad shorts.

0:26:230:26:27

Oh, straight into the mud - so are his shorts.

0:26:290:26:33

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

0:26:330:26:36

If he can handle eight children,

0:26:360:26:39

I'm guessing four balls shouldn't be too hard.

0:26:390:26:42

# Everything here has to total eight. #

0:26:420:26:43

Here we go.

0:26:430:26:46

Oh, no.

0:26:460:26:49

Well, Octo-poppa Tony finishes in 3 minutes 16.

0:26:490:26:52

Daddy Cool, but daddy not quick.

0:26:520:26:55

# Everything here has to total eight. #

0:26:550:26:57

The next two competitors are desperate to lift

0:26:590:27:01

the Total Wipeout trophy,

0:27:010:27:03

but even more desperate to keep their hair dry.

0:27:030:27:05

18-year-old Ron is a lifeguard who can do one-armed press-ups.

0:27:060:27:10

He has big hair.

0:27:100:27:11

Just how fit are you, Ron?

0:27:130:27:16

Um, well, do you want to see?

0:27:160:27:18

Uh...OK.

0:27:190:27:22

Urgh! His stomach's all weird and lumpy!

0:27:240:27:27

A-doo Ron, Ron, Ron, ya do Ron, Ron! Whoa-ho-ho!

0:27:270:27:32

He's up against 26-year-old Tomasz

0:27:320:27:35

who's a casino croupier from Poland via Nottingham.

0:27:350:27:39

He has spiky hair.

0:27:390:27:41

Now, what kind of thing have you been doing in preparation for that?

0:27:410:27:45

I just tried to...

0:27:450:27:47

I was trying to look good and as long as I look good

0:27:470:27:49

and I'm comfortable with what I'm wearing

0:27:490:27:51

then it should be OK, I think.

0:27:510:27:53

Ron's first to go. The question is how long will that hair stay dry?

0:27:560:27:59

Oh. Hoo-hoo!

0:27:590:28:02

His hair is safe. It's dry so far.

0:28:020:28:03

Yeah, this is quick and dry.

0:28:030:28:06

He jumps, ducks and - oh, look at that!

0:28:060:28:09

That's how it's done.

0:28:090:28:11

Now, Tomasz. Will it be hair today, gone tomorrow?

0:28:110:28:14

Well, he ducks the first and, again, he's across with hair intact, too.

0:28:140:28:20

Maybe this is the answer. Ron's still dry,

0:28:200:28:23

but judging by today's Big Ball standards,

0:28:230:28:25

his big hair could be in big trouble here.

0:28:250:28:27

Oh. Oh. Oh!

0:28:270:28:29

He's on to the fourth ball! You're joking.

0:28:290:28:32

No, he's made it! Wow!

0:28:320:28:34

A superb crossing from Ron.

0:28:340:28:38

Maybe this is the answer -

0:28:380:28:39

desperation to keep your hair dry and, well, he does.

0:28:390:28:42

Can Tomasz get across without a hair wash, too?

0:28:430:28:47

Here we go.

0:28:470:28:49

Oh, no. No. The hair has taken a beating. Oh, he looks normal.

0:28:490:28:52

His hair's been all flattened, but his time is still looking good.

0:28:560:29:00

Can he make it across the Shape Shifter?

0:29:000:29:02

He's going for the Triangle...

0:29:020:29:04

In and out.

0:29:040:29:06

Get that man some straighteners.

0:29:060:29:09

His spirits are up.

0:29:090:29:11

Unfortunately, his hair obviously isn't.

0:29:110:29:13

But Tomasz The Tank Top is the quickest qualifier so far.

0:29:130:29:16

-I done it!

-One minute 40.

0:29:160:29:18

Will Ron's hair fit through the Shape Shifter?

0:29:190:29:22

It's through...and he's holding on.

0:29:220:29:25

Is he going to make it all the way around?

0:29:260:29:29

I am genuinely amazed.

0:29:290:29:30

He has.

0:29:330:29:34

-Here's his chance...

-AMANDA SQUEALS

0:29:340:29:37

He's done it! Across the balls.

0:29:370:29:40

First to beat the Shape Shifter

0:29:400:29:42

and with a time of only one minute 13 seconds, he's beaten Tomasz

0:29:420:29:45

and he's now top of the leaderboard, too.

0:29:450:29:48

All that and a completely dry hairdo.

0:29:480:29:51

I'm genuinely staggered.

0:29:510:29:53

Six-pack, plus an athlete, equals success in Total Wipeout.

0:29:530:29:59

Never mind, Tomasz.

0:29:590:30:01

18 contestants down, two still to go, and this is Emma,

0:30:190:30:22

a 26-year-old forensic psychologist who has a score to settle.

0:30:220:30:26

Rarrgh!

0:30:260:30:28

Now, is there anything you can draw on from the world

0:30:280:30:31

of forensic psychology that you can use to your advantage today?

0:30:310:30:36

My thesis is actually on revenge, so those Big Red Balls

0:30:360:30:39

better watch out cos I won't get mad, I'll just get even.

0:30:390:30:43

I've no idea why Emma wants revenge.

0:30:430:30:45

The qualifier hasn't done anything wrong, has it?

0:30:450:30:48

OK, it has now.

0:30:490:30:51

Right in the face.

0:30:510:30:52

So will Emma get even on the big red balls?

0:30:520:30:56

One, two, wet.

0:30:560:30:59

Nothing forensic about that.

0:31:000:31:02

She's got even... more wet than before.

0:31:070:31:11

I think the Qualifier may have won this one, Emma.

0:31:120:31:15

Emma completes the course in just over two minutes.

0:31:150:31:19

From one PhD student to... um...Alex.

0:31:210:31:25

Yeah!

0:31:250:31:27

I'm joined now at the top of the course by a very excitable

0:31:270:31:30

young man who is determined to put his village on the map.

0:31:300:31:34

This is Alex and he's a trainee maths teacher, I think.

0:31:340:31:37

-How are you doing?

-Hello. I'm very excited.

0:31:370:31:40

I'm going to win this course for my village. Farrington Gurney.

0:31:400:31:45

Will this be the most dramatic thing Farrington Gurney has ever seen?

0:31:450:31:48

Definitely top ten.

0:31:480:31:50

But we had village pantomime a few weekends ago and I was in it as well.

0:31:500:31:55

-Who did you play?

-I played the village idiot.

0:31:550:31:58

Yeah, I think is village should be on the map and it's not

0:31:580:32:02

because I want to go there.

0:32:020:32:04

But Alex is ploughing on after that slip and oh, no, he's down again.

0:32:040:32:07

But he's still going. Avoiding the Sweeper Arm.

0:32:070:32:11

And avoiding the Smash Door.

0:32:110:32:13

Alex got straight out of bed and came in his pyjamas this morning.

0:32:130:32:16

Alex approaching the balls.

0:32:160:32:18

Those mud-drenched pyjamas could be weighing him down.

0:32:180:32:22

That was amazing. He flew across those balls. He's still on.

0:32:220:32:27

Just one more jump. He's done it!

0:32:270:32:29

He's certainly put his village on the map now

0:32:290:32:32

and for all the very best of reasons.

0:32:320:32:35

With that amazing ball crossing,

0:32:350:32:37

Alex finishes in a very impressive 1 minute 41.

0:32:370:32:41

What a talented idiot!

0:32:410:32:43

And look how well you did.

0:32:430:32:46

-I did the Big Red Balls!

-Yeah, you did.

-First ever Big Red Ball person.

0:32:460:32:51

-Farrington Gurney, you should be proud.

-Thank you! Yes!

0:32:510:32:56

Right, let's have a look at the final leaderboard.

0:32:580:33:00

Hairdo Ron Ron his head, shoulders and hairdo above the rest.

0:33:000:33:04

Tomasz the Tank Top is second and Alex the Village Idiot is in third.

0:33:040:33:08

Don't Get Mad Get Emma is the best performing lady in sixth.

0:33:080:33:12

Silly Mummy Kate is eighth. One Tenor Jason sings his way to ninth.

0:33:120:33:16

Second Class Michael, Mrs Eve and Fun Size Tash

0:33:160:33:18

are in 10th, 11th and 12.

0:33:180:33:21

Unfortunately, the fat lady has sung for One Tenor Jason.

0:33:210:33:26

He picked up an injury on the Qualifier and has withdrawn from the competition.

0:33:260:33:30

That means Tough Cookie Kim

0:33:300:33:32

pops up from 13th to take his place in Double Cross.

0:33:320:33:35

So the qualifying qualifiers have qualified, which earns them the title of Qualifiers.

0:33:350:33:40

This means we say goodbye to the non-qualifying qualifiers who didn't qualify,

0:33:400:33:44

earning them the title of Losers.

0:33:440:33:47

# There are places I'll remember

0:33:470:33:51

# All my life, though some have changed

0:33:520:33:57

# Some for ever, not for better

0:33:570:34:02

# Some have gone and some remain. #

0:34:030:34:08

Double Cross works like this.

0:34:220:34:26

The 12 competitors line-up over there before making a run for it along any one

0:34:260:34:29

of the green gangways into the middle. Once in the centre,

0:34:290:34:33

they can only use the single red gangway to reach the finish.

0:34:330:34:36

The fact that the gangway's rotating one direction whilst

0:34:360:34:40

the big red cross rotates in the other, means this obstacle is categorised as really tricky.

0:34:400:34:46

First six across qualify for the next round.

0:34:460:34:48

So let's meet today's Double Crossers.

0:34:480:34:52

Fastest in the qualifier and biggest in the hair, it's Hairdo Ron Ron.

0:34:520:34:56

Alex, you've got your pyjamas on. You should have stayed in bed, man.

0:34:560:35:00

OK. It's pole-vault time for Tomasz the Tank Top.

0:35:000:35:04

This is P-P-P-Polish fire!

0:35:040:35:06

Third fastest in the qualifier, it's Alex the Village Idiot.

0:35:060:35:10

I may be wearing girls' pyjamas,

0:35:100:35:12

but I'm still the most macho man here. Rarrgh!

0:35:120:35:15

I think Alex is great. I like him.

0:35:150:35:18

Then there's Quite Good Kev and Mr Philip.

0:35:180:35:22

Eve, I beat you in the first round.

0:35:220:35:23

Now I'm going to seek beat you in the second round.

0:35:230:35:26

Don't Get Mad Get Emma is next.

0:35:260:35:28

And hold onto your hats, it's Nitro Nathan.

0:35:280:35:32

Then there's Silly Mummy Kate.

0:35:320:35:34

Don't double crosses this Yorkshire pudding.

0:35:340:35:37

I'd never double cross a Yorkshire pudding. And that's Mrs Eve.

0:35:370:35:40

Philip, I'm going to beat you on this one.

0:35:400:35:43

If not, I'm going to beat you when I get home.

0:35:430:35:47

Then it's Second-Class Michael, Fun Size Tash

0:35:470:35:50

and finally, Jason's replacement, Tough Cookie Kim.

0:35:500:35:54

I can't shout.

0:35:540:35:55

One motto in life is keep calm and life carry on.

0:35:570:36:01

That's so not going to work here,

0:36:010:36:04

so I suggest keep calm, carry on and run like crazy!

0:36:040:36:08

-It's Double Cross. Are you already?

-ALL: Yes.

0:36:080:36:12

Three, two, one.

0:36:120:36:14

KLAXON

0:36:140:36:16

The game is afoot. But nobody is moving their feet.

0:36:170:36:21

Tash gives it a go. Oh, just a test run, maybe. Emma.

0:36:210:36:27

Oh, I think that was Kate. This thing is brutal.

0:36:270:36:33

Hairdo Ron Ron, lasted as long as his nickname.

0:36:330:36:36

Remember, they can only use the green gangways

0:36:360:36:39

to get into the middle. Second-class Michael now and...Oh!

0:36:390:36:43

Collecting the post right in the ankle.

0:36:430:36:47

Right, it's Ron again. Oh!

0:36:510:36:54

Yeah. Fastest qualifier having no luck so far.

0:36:550:37:00

This is Mr Philip. Getting closer.

0:37:030:37:05

Michael now...is into the centre.

0:37:050:37:09

Finally.

0:37:090:37:11

What's this? Tomasz the Tank Top has joined Michael in the middle.

0:37:110:37:14

Nitro Nathan now.

0:37:140:37:17

Oh! Very close.

0:37:170:37:20

Quite Good Kev bolts for it. He's there as well.

0:37:200:37:22

Things are getting overcrowded in the centre now.

0:37:220:37:26

Remember they're all just waiting for that red gangway to come round.

0:37:260:37:29

It's the only way off. Michael's got one foot on the red gangway,

0:37:290:37:32

but then just sort of fell off.

0:37:320:37:35

Kevin attempts the exit.

0:37:350:37:38

Oh! That was close. Kevin almost made it across.

0:37:390:37:43

But then there was a pirouette somersault flip and a fall.

0:37:430:37:48

-I can't do it!

-Yes, you can. There's no such thing as can't.

-Possibly.

0:37:480:37:54

Tomasz alone in the middle. Come on, people. Nathan heard me.

0:37:540:37:59

Yes! He's on.

0:37:590:38:01

He's off. He's on. He's still on.

0:38:010:38:04

Mr Philip is back for more. The limbo. Oh!

0:38:040:38:08

Mr Philip is trying everything, but where's Mrs Eve?

0:38:080:38:12

Finally, Tomasz heads for the... water.

0:38:150:38:19

Getting off Double Cross is definitely difficult.

0:38:190:38:23

Michael now, third time lucky. Hurdles across.

0:38:230:38:27

And misses the middle completely. And in goes Nathan.

0:38:270:38:30

Into the middle. Surely he'll be able to do this.

0:38:320:38:36

Don't Get Mad Get Emma wants to join in and she's there. Just.

0:38:370:38:43

Kevin again now. And he's there. Michael too.

0:38:440:38:48

This is good middle management or something.

0:38:480:38:51

It's a Wipeout pile-up.

0:38:510:38:53

Oh, yeah, they're all there waiting for the optimum gap

0:38:530:38:56

betwixt red gangway and red cross.

0:38:560:38:59

That's the time to run to the finish. Kim piles on too.

0:38:590:39:02

Kevin sees his chance. Looking good.

0:39:020:39:04

Quite Good Kev is the first to qualify for the next round.

0:39:040:39:07

Oh, out of nowhere, Nathan speeds across to the finish line too.

0:39:150:39:19

-And we have Nathan.

-Nitro Nathan is through.

0:39:190:39:22

Meanwhile, Tomasz has reached the centre

0:39:220:39:25

and now Eve's chasing her husband.

0:39:250:39:27

She's got the Sweeper Arm. But oh, no. She's hanging on.

0:39:270:39:31

Eve's rapidly becoming untenable. And she's been dropped.

0:39:310:39:36

But her husband is still up. Still in the middle.

0:39:360:39:39

Tense now. Michael, second assault on the exit beam.

0:39:410:39:46

Jumps and...not enough.

0:39:460:39:48

Four places in the next round are still up for grabs.

0:39:480:39:51

Who's got the legs to do it. Tomasz is making his move. Superb.

0:39:510:39:56

What a finish. Three down, three to go.

0:39:560:39:58

Usually it's around here that it all gets very fast and frantic.

0:40:020:40:06

Tash into the middle. Hairdo Ron Ron... Can he make it?

0:40:060:40:11

Yes! No!

0:40:110:40:13

I feel for Ron, I really do. That was close. Oh!

0:40:130:40:17

Kim sets off from the starting podium.

0:40:200:40:22

Lovely skip and into the middle.

0:40:220:40:26

But it's too crowded for Emma.

0:40:260:40:28

She's off and leaps across the finish line.

0:40:280:40:31

Actually, the next bit's the finish line, there.

0:40:310:40:34

Emma is through to the next round. So two places remain.

0:40:340:40:38

Will they go to Mike, Kim, Philip, Eve, Ron, Tash, Alex or Kate?

0:40:380:40:43

Here comes Michael. Into the middle again.

0:40:450:40:48

And...that's Mr Philip.

0:40:500:40:53

Takes one to the legs but soldiers on to the middle,

0:40:540:40:57

leaving his wife behind.

0:40:570:40:59

Michael's got his eyes on the prize and just makes that jump.

0:40:590:41:04

But Philip's on hot on his heels and like that, it's all over.

0:41:040:41:07

Philip and Michael are through to the next round,

0:41:070:41:10

joining Kevin, Emma, Tomasz, and Nathan, but not Philip's wife, Eve.

0:41:100:41:14

And a huge upset for Ron, the fastest in the Qualifier, he's out.

0:41:140:41:18

And his hair is wet. Oh.

0:41:180:41:20

In years to come, that edition of Double Cross

0:41:200:41:23

will claim its rightful place among the epic tales of yore,

0:41:230:41:26

the Odyssey, Beowulf and my shaggy dog story about the ticket inspector

0:41:260:41:30

who keeps throwing passengers through the train window.

0:41:300:41:34

It's a belter.

0:41:340:41:36

But for now, it's time to wave a solemn goodbye to the six

0:41:360:41:39

unlucky souls who fell on the long march to victory.

0:41:390:41:43

OK, so there's this ticket inspector, right.

0:41:440:41:47

-He's walking along the train.

-Comes to the first passenger...

0:41:470:41:50

Double Cross is madness. I couldn't jump the Sweeper if I tried.

0:41:520:41:58

So I literally had to be Flash Tash or no Tash.

0:41:580:42:02

Nearly made it once, but yeah. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

0:42:020:42:06

Pretty gutted.

0:42:060:42:08

I was trying my hardest and I was just diving and going for it.

0:42:090:42:12

It's the best I could do.

0:42:120:42:15

It was a total disaster, wasn't it?

0:42:150:42:17

I really, really wanted to beat the Philip because he always claims

0:42:170:42:23

he's better than me, but I guess maybe it's true.

0:42:230:42:26

Aye, aye, aye. It hurt.

0:42:260:42:30

I wanted to get through.

0:42:300:42:32

I wanted to do the next round, but these things happen.

0:42:320:42:35

I can't do anything about it.

0:42:350:42:37

What you see here is a broken man.

0:42:380:42:41

I hope I haven't let down my village, my mum.

0:42:410:42:43

But it was not a good idea wearing pyjamas on the Total Wipeout course.

0:42:430:42:48

Today's Terror Go Round is brought to you by the good people

0:42:580:43:01

at Total Wipeout Airways. We hope you've enjoyed your flight.

0:43:010:43:05

Contestants must jog on the revolving turntable,

0:43:050:43:09

avoiding the spinning fickle fingers of fate,

0:43:090:43:11

as well as all the lost luggage items thrown by the Terror Twins.

0:43:110:43:15

There are three heats and each time,

0:43:150:43:17

the last person standing goes through to the Wipeout Zone.

0:43:170:43:21

Do you know what I've just spotted? Yep, that's right.

0:43:210:43:24

Too many contestants left in Total Wipeout.

0:43:240:43:27

Just going to have to get rid of half of them.

0:43:270:43:30

Terror Go Round should do it.

0:43:300:43:32

-Are you all ready?

-ALL: Yes.

-They think.

0:43:320:43:35

-Three, two, one.

-Let's meet the Terrified Go Rounders.

0:43:350:43:41

Can the postie with the mostie send himself through to the final?

0:43:410:43:46

It's Second-Class Michael.

0:43:460:43:47

With express delivery!

0:43:470:43:49

Behind every great man, there's a great woman.

0:43:510:43:55

Although, in this man's case, she is way behind on the losers' bench. It's Mr Philip.

0:43:550:44:01

I'm going to rip you to shreds.

0:44:010:44:02

He was first to jig over the Double Cross,

0:44:020:44:06

but will the luck of the Irish carry him all the way to the final? It's Quite Good Kev.

0:44:060:44:11

That's the most fun I've had with my clothes on in ages.

0:44:110:44:15

She's given the guys a run for their money and hoping to take

0:44:150:44:19

sweet revenge on the Terror Go Round, it's Don't Get Mad Get Emma.

0:44:190:44:22

It's time for revenge.

0:44:220:44:24

He's the fastest qualifier left and the fastest talker ever.

0:44:250:44:30

I absolutely love it... hairstyle like that.

0:44:300:44:33

No idea. But will his dreams of ten grand fall flat as his hair?

0:44:330:44:36

It's Tomasz the Tank Top.

0:44:360:44:38

And finally, he's all revved up for a few laps on the Terror Go Round,

0:44:380:44:41

but will he be in pole position for the Wipeout Zone or just exhausted?

0:44:410:44:46

It's Nitro Nathan.

0:44:460:44:48

This is going to be a total whitewash.

0:44:480:44:51

So the frantic fast-paced fun begins.

0:44:510:44:54

Admittedly, not that frantic just yet.

0:44:540:44:56

But the Terror Twins haven't started lobbing their luggage yet.

0:44:560:45:00

Six remaining contestants, only three places in the final.

0:45:000:45:04

There they go. Holdall to the head for Tomasz.

0:45:040:45:06

That will ruin his hat hair.

0:45:060:45:09

There goes the Teddy. My favourite. Ouch.

0:45:120:45:15

They seem to be coping well,

0:45:150:45:17

but those fingers of fate will soon come into play.

0:45:170:45:20

Kevin using his feet to kick the box out of the way.

0:45:200:45:23

Oh, and here they come. Oh, good step over.

0:45:250:45:30

But Philip's gone in off the front. And there's trouble at the back.

0:45:300:45:34

Oh! Tomasz is in.

0:45:340:45:37

Lifted high off the turntable and dumped in the pool,

0:45:370:45:40

he's out of the game, at least for this heat.

0:45:400:45:45

So, four left standing. Here comes the finger.

0:45:450:45:48

Emma gets flipped and dunked. Head first. Down to three now.

0:45:480:45:52

Preparing to jump. Everyone's down.

0:45:520:45:55

They must stay this side of the punchbags. Back on their feet.

0:45:550:45:59

Michael's in trouble and Kevin's gone in.

0:45:590:46:03

All of that means Nitro Nathan is the last one standing

0:46:030:46:07

and the first one through to today's Wipeout Zone.

0:46:070:46:11

Second heat, five competitors left and the Terror Twins have got

0:46:130:46:18

a new trolley full of luggage.

0:46:180:46:19

All locally sourced. About time for those fingers to start.

0:46:190:46:23

This could be carnage.

0:46:230:46:24

Emma is over, but there's trouble at the back. Philip's first in again.

0:46:260:46:30

Synchronised bar work from Philip and Michael,

0:46:300:46:32

but Philip just lost his balance. He's out of this heat.

0:46:320:46:36

Second finger gets Michael that time.

0:46:360:46:39

Just Emma, Kevin and Tomasz left standing.

0:46:390:46:43

Oh, stumble from Kevin but he's back to his feet. Great recovery.

0:46:440:46:48

Hi jump from Tomasz. This is strong work from everyone.

0:46:480:46:52

Oh, Emma is down. Get up, get up.

0:46:530:46:57

No, she is under the punchbags and out of this heat.

0:46:570:46:59

So, Tomasz and Kevin, who is going through to the Wipeout Zone?

0:46:590:47:04

Looks like Kevin is struggling a bit there. There's no let-up in this.

0:47:040:47:08

He's down, he's gone. And Tomasz is through.

0:47:080:47:11

Tomasz, you're through to the final. Tomasz, you need to get off.

0:47:140:47:17

It's finished. You need to... Hello. There you go.

0:47:170:47:21

Concentrating a bit too hard maybe.

0:47:210:47:23

For Second-Class Michael, Mr Philip, Quite Good Kev,

0:47:280:47:30

and Don't Get Mad Get Emma,

0:47:300:47:32

this is the last chance to avoid elimination.

0:47:320:47:36

Only one can go through to the Wipeout Zone.

0:47:360:47:39

And they're off again. Terror Twins going hell for leather.

0:47:390:47:41

Throwing all their toys out of the pram.

0:47:410:47:43

Thinking about it, I'm not sure this is safe.

0:47:480:47:50

Cos those bags are a real trip hazard.

0:47:500:47:52

As are the Fingers Of Fate.

0:47:520:47:55

Emma's on but she's hanging on in there. Kevin almost gone.

0:47:550:47:59

No, he has gone. No, yes, no. No.

0:47:590:48:02

Gone. Kevin is out of Total Wipeout.

0:48:020:48:05

Emma's on her knees. Can she recover it?

0:48:050:48:08

No, she's out of the game, too.

0:48:080:48:10

It's now between Philip and Michael

0:48:100:48:14

for that last remaining spot in the Wipeout Zone.

0:48:140:48:16

That finger is fast.

0:48:160:48:19

Philip has fallen and in the blink of an eye it's all over.

0:48:190:48:21

Mr Philip is out of Total Wipeout.

0:48:210:48:25

But a first-class performance from Second-Class Michael

0:48:270:48:30

bags him the third and final spot in today's Wipeout Zone.

0:48:300:48:34

Which means it's time to wave goodbye to three brave competitors.

0:48:360:48:39

She came here for revenge but the Terror-Go-Round had the last laugh.

0:48:390:48:42

Farewell, Don't Get Mad Get Emma.

0:48:420:48:45

Quite good wasn't quite good enough for Quite Good Kev.

0:48:450:48:50

And although he's leaving us, he can at least be with his wife once more.

0:48:500:48:54

Over on the spectators' bench. Farewell, Mr Philip.

0:48:540:48:57

So there are only moments to go now

0:48:590:49:01

before today's thrilling Wipeout Zone begins.

0:49:010:49:05

I'm not entirely sure how long a moment is,

0:49:050:49:08

but it just so happens I've bought my Victorian momentometer.

0:49:080:49:12

So, three moments...

0:49:120:49:15

Two moments...

0:49:150:49:17

One moments...

0:49:170:49:18

Wipeout Zone!

0:49:180:49:20

Oh...

0:49:200:49:22

Yeah, momentometer is fast. It'll be coming up any time now, I imagine.

0:49:230:49:28

Unless...

0:49:300:49:32

I tell you what I'm going to bring to this final - one word. "Bottle."

0:49:340:49:37

It's just so hard. Nothing in the world can prepare you for this.

0:49:370:49:41

It's an unbelievable experience

0:49:410:49:42

and I'm never going to forget it for the rest of my life.

0:49:420:49:45

I never would expect I could actually get into the final

0:49:460:49:49

and my family is going to be really proud of me, especially my mum.

0:49:490:49:53

At the start I didn't really expect much of him

0:49:530:49:56

but he done better than I thought.

0:49:560:49:57

He's a fit lad but will he bottle it in the final? I think he will.

0:49:570:50:02

People have thought I'm going to be rubbish because of what I was wearing

0:50:020:50:05

and actually I'm here, it's just amazing.

0:50:050:50:08

It nearly all went wrong, but I've found my rhythm

0:50:090:50:13

and I knew I'd come good in the end. And it's game on.

0:50:130:50:16

I think he's done really good.

0:50:160:50:17

He doesn't give up and never stops.

0:50:170:50:20

I'm not far off.

0:50:200:50:22

I feel I've got the better of him for the next one.

0:50:220:50:25

To win here tonight would mean everything to me.

0:50:250:50:27

If you get the title of Total Wipeout champion,

0:50:270:50:30

no-one's going to take that away.

0:50:300:50:31

If I win tonight, I will feel so good about myself.

0:50:320:50:36

At the age of 17 I was diagnosed with cancer.

0:50:390:50:42

Um, from that experience, going through everything that I had to do,

0:50:420:50:46

and then here we are, years later, I'm back, fighting fit.

0:50:460:50:51

Now I'm ready to beat this.

0:50:510:50:53

This is for all the old boys. Life begins at 40.

0:50:570:51:00

This is my time. I am here, ready to win this.

0:51:000:51:04

This is the biggest challenge of my life and I feel so excited.

0:51:040:51:06

This is going to be fantastic.

0:51:110:51:12

Three guys on the road to destiny and there's no speed limit.

0:51:180:51:22

Who's in the fast lane

0:51:220:51:24

and who's on the hard shoulder waiting for the tow truck?

0:51:240:51:28

This is the Wipeout Zone and Michael is the first to brave it.

0:51:280:51:31

Can Second-Class Michael deliver yet another first-class performance?

0:51:330:51:37

-Cometh the hour, cometh the rasta postman.

-Yeah, that old chestnut!

0:51:380:51:43

-HOOTER

-Right, here he goes.

0:51:430:51:45

Special delivery!

0:51:540:51:57

So Michael gets today's final started.

0:51:570:51:59

He'll be setting the benchmark to beat.

0:51:590:52:01

A swim to the Rapid Climb.

0:52:030:52:05

And once he sets foot on the Rapid Climb

0:52:060:52:08

he's got ten seconds to scale it.

0:52:080:52:11

-Else a tidal wave will be released.

-That's it.

0:52:110:52:14

Over the Garden Gate, Michael. Whoo!

0:52:140:52:17

He's up, so the countdown begins. Michael is doing well so far.

0:52:170:52:22

Tidal wave defeated.

0:52:220:52:23

Now, to the Seesaw of Truth. Michael is charging across it.

0:52:250:52:29

Yes, keeps his balance.

0:52:290:52:32

Will he be able to weave his way

0:52:320:52:34

across the Crazy Sweeper? This claims a lot...

0:52:340:52:36

-Oh, no, he's fallen!

-Oh!

0:52:360:52:38

Michael totally misjudged the Sweeper there,

0:52:380:52:41

as so many have done, and he's paid for it.

0:52:410:52:43

Vital seconds lost. The final straight now, though.

0:52:430:52:47

The Turntables. Safely onto the first.

0:52:470:52:49

Now to the Pillars of No Return.

0:52:490:52:51

No! Oh...

0:52:510:52:53

That leap was way too short.

0:52:530:52:56

A second big slip.

0:52:560:52:58

Michael now needs to summon a final burst of energy

0:53:000:53:02

to make this one last jump.

0:53:020:53:04

He's there. 2:41. Not bad. But definitely beatable.

0:53:070:53:11

-Come on out, my lovely postman.

-Hello there.

0:53:160:53:19

How are you feeling after that performance?

0:53:190:53:23

Er, I'm feeling 40 years old, actually.

0:53:230:53:26

-It was hard work.

-Listen, Michael, well done.

0:53:260:53:29

You did that in two minutes and 41 seconds,

0:53:290:53:32

-which isn't bad for someone who fell off a couple of times.

-That's right.

0:53:320:53:35

-Tomasz is up next, so let's watch.

-OK.

0:53:350:53:39

He's got a hedgehog under that helmet. Tomasz.

0:53:390:53:42

-Everybody live your dream! Whoo!

-I think this is more of a nightmare.

0:53:430:53:48

-HOOTER

-And here he goes.

0:53:480:53:52

He doesn't yet know how Michael got on

0:53:580:54:00

so he's going to be concentrating on going as fast as he can.

0:54:000:54:03

Come on, Tomasz.

0:54:030:54:04

Yeah, wonderful sportsmanship from Michael. Let's see if that lasts.

0:54:060:54:11

Tomasz getting a refreshing blast of water in the face, but now he's up.

0:54:120:54:16

And the tidal wave countdown has started.

0:54:160:54:20

A little slip.

0:54:200:54:22

And he's up again, and now bounding up with the aid of the banister.

0:54:220:54:26

-Come along, the Pole.

-It's more of a beam, actually.

0:54:280:54:31

Tomasz taking things very cautiously here.

0:54:310:54:33

Up to the balance point.

0:54:350:54:37

Tips it slowly.

0:54:380:54:40

He's cleared it. Taking no chances.

0:54:420:54:45

Right, crunch time. This is where Michael's first slip-up came.

0:54:450:54:49

Ducks.

0:54:490:54:51

Tomasz looking very comfortable up there.

0:54:510:54:54

He's cleared it. Just about.

0:54:540:54:57

Yes, very slick. Just the Turntables to go now.

0:54:570:55:00

He's onto the first. Lines up his next jump.

0:55:000:55:02

-No!

-Oh!

-Same place as Michael.

0:55:020:55:04

Tomasz slams into a Pillar Of No Return

0:55:050:55:07

and there is no returning from that.

0:55:070:55:10

Oh, wait, seems there is. Tomasz nearly there.

0:55:100:55:12

This is quicker than Michael. 1:44. Faster by nearly a minute.

0:55:120:55:18

Tomasz, you started out the Qualifier all bunny ears and bow ties,

0:55:230:55:27

and now look at you. You're all serious

0:55:270:55:30

and that serious performance...

0:55:300:55:34

-has just made you beat Michael. Well done!

-My God, thank you very much.

0:55:340:55:38

Michael, hard luck, my man, go join the others.

0:55:380:55:41

What can you do? My 40-year-old legs caught up with me in the end.

0:55:410:55:44

See you later, Michael.

0:55:440:55:45

Tomasz, Nathan is up next and yours is the time to beat.

0:55:450:55:48

-Let's watch.

-Can I have a kiss?

0:55:480:55:50

Nitro Nathan prepares for his final lap.

0:55:510:55:54

-Dig, Max, dig!

-I don't know what that means.

0:55:540:55:57

-HOOTER

-But let's not question him now. He's busy.

0:55:570:56:00

Time for the big finale.

0:56:010:56:04

So now it's a straight battle between Nathan and Tomasz.

0:56:060:56:09

And while Nathan doesn't know it, 1:44 is the time he must beat

0:56:090:56:14

if he is to win today's competition.

0:56:140:56:16

And the £10,000 prize.

0:56:160:56:18

And remember, Tomasz did make one slip,

0:56:200:56:22

-so an error-free run from Nathan will probably be enough.

-Knees up!

0:56:220:56:26

He is, and the clock starts ticking now,

0:56:280:56:32

but Nitro Nathan accelerating up the Rapid Climb.

0:56:320:56:35

Oh, that's no problem. Right, See-Saw time.

0:56:360:56:40

It looks slippy but Nathan is looking well balanced. He's across.

0:56:440:56:49

Just.

0:56:490:56:50

Now the Crazy Sweeper. Nathan waits for his moment.

0:56:500:56:54

Careful, Nathan.

0:56:540:56:57

He's dashing.

0:56:570:56:59

Ooh, some sensible ducking. But slow to get back up.

0:57:000:57:03

-Get down!

-Oh. Near miss there.

0:57:030:57:07

Up a bit quicker this time, and yes.

0:57:070:57:10

Right. Turntables.

0:57:100:57:11

Tomasz and Michael both fell here.

0:57:110:57:13

So a clean run now and the title is Nathan's.

0:57:130:57:16

Yes! No!

0:57:180:57:20

No!

0:57:200:57:22

Oh, that's the third strike today for the Pillars Of No Return.

0:57:220:57:26

Nathan clambers up the ladder,

0:57:270:57:29

but he's going to need a miracle now to beat Tomasz's time.

0:57:290:57:33

Get up, get up!

0:57:330:57:34

Oh, every second!

0:57:380:57:40

A great run! But ten seconds too slow today.

0:57:420:57:47

Nathan, come on out, my lovely. What a fantastic run from you.

0:57:480:57:54

It's so hard. The ladders are so hard.

0:57:540:57:59

But I did my best, that's all I can do.

0:57:590:58:02

Tomasz, I know this means an awful lot to you, too.

0:58:020:58:06

Tomasz, you are the Total Wipeout champion tonight!

0:58:060:58:10

Hard luck, Nathan.

0:58:100:58:12

HE CHEERS

0:58:120:58:14

So today's winner of the Total Wipeout trophy and £10,000

0:58:170:58:20

is Tomasz Wiczneski, a 26-year-old croupier from Nottingham.

0:58:200:58:24

And if you've enjoyed Tomasz's performances half as much as me,

0:58:240:58:26

you'll want one of these -

0:58:260:58:29

a Tomasz-tribute hairpiece,

0:58:290:58:30

available nationwide in Hammond's Party Emporium.

0:58:300:58:33

That's it from today's show. From Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

0:58:330:58:37

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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