Last Chance Saloon Total Wipeout

We've invited back the most rootinest, tootinest contestants

Argentina has ever seen for one last crack of the Wipeout whip.

Some are here to right wrongs.

Some are here for revenge.

But they're all here for one final shot

at becoming Total Wipeout champion.

One will ride into the sunset with a fistful of dollars - well, pounds

whilst the others will limp home with raw hides.

This is the last-chance saloon.

Howdy, partners, and welcome to this very special show.

Now, before you say anything, I probably should mention the hat.

Unfortunately, the fancy-dress shop had run out of cowboy outfits.

Why did I want to wear a cowboy outfit, you might ask.

Primarily, because they're actually pretty cool,

but also because this show is special.

It's the last-chance saloon.

A chance for the most memorable losers Total Wipeout has ever seen

to come back and prove they're not quite as hopeless

as they appeared first time around.

Yee-hah!

It doesn't work so well in a spaceman's hat, does it?

This is what they're facing today.

Qualifier, the wild west.

Double Cross, the really wild west.

Terror-Go-Round, the really, really wild, wild west.

Wipeout Zone, wiki-wiki wild, wild west.

# The wild, wild west. #

This special cowboy/spaceman themed last-chance saloon show

is being brought to you by the good, the lovely Amanda Byram,

the bad, the treacherous Total Wipeout course,

and the ugly, that's...

Ah. That's me, isn't it?

Guns at the ready because joining me now is the very fit, very lovely,

and only slightly scary when she's concentrating Claire from Haddenham.

25-year-old Scary Claire is one of Wipeout's fittest and scariest contestants ever.

Last time she was here, she was pipped to the post

in a photo finish on Dizzy Dummies.

I can tell you right now, that the last person

to be on their feet was Claire.

In the last few years since we've seen you,

what have you been doing in order to prepare for that?

Practising standing up, mainly.

Down. On one knee. Stand up!

Fantastic! You clearly have been practising.

So, Scary Claire gets things started.

Here we go.

Oh, that's a good swing...into the wall there.

Let's see what else she'll be colliding with today.

Once the cowboys and cowgirls overcome the ferocious and unpredictable

bucking bronco Topple Stairs

they face the deadly Rings of Fire,

which, due to health and safety, are neither deadly

nor actually on fire, but they are still rings.

Then it's a quick draw against the Sucker Punch kid

and his faithful steed, Swampy.

Next, it's high noon. About five-metres high.

And it's a showdown with the magnificent four.

And finally, some sharp shooting on the Shape Shifter,

as the competitors attempt to fire themselves through odd-shaped holes.

# Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did... #

Claire on the rings now. Making it look easy.

Ooo! But no-one's done them yet. And...

That's not about to change.

That was a really fast stand-up!

Yeah. But can Claire stay standing

after a brawl with the Sucker Punch?

No. Ooo, no. She's in.

Seems the Sucker Punch wasn't at all scared of Scary Claire.

Flood-risk engineer Claire's not just scary, she's also a bit muddy

and taking on the balls one, two, three, she's...

Oh. It's cleaned her up, though.

# And whenever I fall at your feet. #

At least Claire's standing-up practise has paid off.

She did it again. Look at that!

I wonder if she practised zip wires, as well?

Apparently not. Bit of an oversight, that.

-Scary Claire finishes in an impressive 1:49.

-Well done, you!

And she is still standing. Upright and everything.

Last time we saw archery enthusiast Malcolm from Aldershot,

he was looking for romance on the Wipeout course.

I have been single for a while now

and, hopefully, fingers crossed, I'll be able to find someone.

Unfortunately, Malcolm was unlucky in love. And everything else.

But now he's back for one last chance at finding Mrs Right.

And he's got a secret weapon.

Wow! That is massive. How did he get that through customs?

I want one. And an apple, actually.

Last time you were here, you were affectionately known as Malcolm Hood

because you were hoping Cupid's arrow would strike.

-Are you still looking for the future Mrs Hood?

-I am.

They said on the Today programme, that self-depreciation

and a sense of humour were attractive qualities.

-I love you, Malcolm.

-Thank you.

They call me Malcolm Hood

and I sure would like to get past that Sucker Punch!

SMASH!

Good shot. Well done, sir. Right, off he goes.

This is it, Malcolm.

We are literally all behind you, we are!

Oh, a determined charge into the water.

But that's OK.

Malcolm can't do any worse than his last attempt at the Qualifier.

Because he came last.

Now for a bit of target practice.

These are big targets. Malcolm should be OK.

He's through the first. And again.

And again. And again. Oh.

Yeah, he's through the first. Oh, finally!

-Yes!

-Yes! Three more rings to go.

He's through. Isn't he? Is he through? Oh, no!

Oh! Oh, dear.

Somehow, he's still on the wrong side. Let's try that again.

These are hard, aren't they?

Yes!

Similar result, but at least he's on the right side this time.

Onto his feet. Takes a knock. Nothing can send Malcolm down.

He's... Oh, no!

He's all wet. Oh!

The future Mrs Hood is watching!

Yes. You show those ladies, Malcolm.

Come on! Oh. That's fine!

Showing them his sensitive side.

Ladies...

# Ooh, dream weaver...#

Remember, ladies, Malcolm is on the market,

ready to sweep you off your feet, as soon as he gets out of the mud.

And he's out!

-Yargh!

-Yes! That's primal!

There's a beast inside him.

Now, the moment has arrived for Malcolm.

If he defeats the balls, surely, he will win the heart of a Maid Marian!

Come on, Malcolm, do it for love! Believe in yourself!

Deep breath! Here goes! This is it!

Oh! Ah!

# Look into your heart

# You will find...#

Malcolm Hood completes the Qualifier in exactly five minutes.

Two minutes faster than last time, but he left no time for love.

If anyone ever sees me do this again, shoot me.

Unlike Malcolm, these two have already found love with each other.

It's Total Wipeout's own non-celebrity coupling.

Charlotte and Riccardo, collectively known as Charlardo.

It's good to see the Total Wipeout experience didn't break you two up. Are you strong as ever?

We live together now.

But no further developments.

So would it be a little bit presumptuous of me

to pop out to Buenos Aires and buy myself a hat?

DISTANT DOG'S BARK

Oh. This is awkward.

# Two hearts... #

I think it's best if we try to avoid any mention of rings, OK?

# If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it...#

Oh. That is unhelpful. Anyway, Charlotte is doing well.

She didn't get past the Qualifier last time.

Disappointing early exit for the 22-year-old make-up artist.

But this time, looking better.

Oh, no! Someone throw her a life ring. A flotation device!

Here's firefighter Riccardo. Dizzy Dummies defeated him last time.

Can the Italian stallion vault these rings?

No. Falls in exactly the same place.

She won't have good memories from her last experience on Sucker Punch.

Right in the schnozz! Can she beat it this time?

Here we go!

Yes! Yes! Oh! Amazing!

She can! She did! Riccardo now.

Will he have the same luck?

A more considered approach, taking his time.

Ooo! Painful!

But still hanging on. And he's across!

They might not be getting hitched soon,

but Charlardo at least get to walk up the aisle towards the altar

of Big Red Balliness.

Do you take this man...? Ooh! Look at this!

Oh. Hm. Fell in.

And do you take this woman...?

-Argh!

-Oh, dear!

We are gathered here to witness these two joining that pongy water.

Stagnant!

Charlotte finishes in just under three minutes,

but Riccardo is the more dynamic of this duo with a time of 2:13.

Yes! I love this guy! Man Mountain Syed is back.

Shout as loud as you can. Man Mountain is back to do it again!

Last time, the 18-year-old gunslinger made it to Dizzy Dummies,

but was a little too little to overcome the blueberries.

Who are you doing this for?

All my fans, my friends, family. For the Bangladeshis, mainly.

Hang on a second. Can we rewind? Fans?

I don't have any fans. How many have you got?

Countless. Countless.

Syed! Syed! Syed! Syed! Syed! Syed!

I'm doing it for everyone in Birmingham and Bangladesh.

And so here goes the Man Mountain.

Oh. Not the best of starts.

But us fans are still behind you. Oh!

That's quite a big splash to start with.

Now, the Rings of Fire. And he's through the first

and catapulted to the second.

OK. He's through the second now.

Oh! Well, at least it was only a little splash. Come on.

# Small people... #

Now the Big Balls, which are bigger than normal, compared to Syed.

He made it to the second one last time.

He jumps! Ooh! Ooh! Wow!

He's already matched his previous performance.

Come on, Syed, do it for your fans!

Oh!

Yeah. Third ball. It's an improvement on the last one.

And Syed's final time is 3:16.

-Bangladesh!

-Don't forget Birmingham!

What's he doing? What's he got? What's he got?

What is that? Handkerchief? Clean pants?

-Flag of Bangladesh?

-Yeah, baby!

It is the flag of Bangladesh! Who'd have thought?

I think you made the point. Yep.

I'm assuming you're a big fan of Bangladesh.

Yeah, of course. I was born there.

This is all for my country. And Birmingham.

-Yee-hah! Look who's back in town!

-Who?

Oh, you mean you! Yes. Tall Paul's back.

Yeah. Last time he was here, he was...Well, funny.

But he's just become the first contestant to defeat the Stairs.

He's onto the Rings now.

Some lovely long-legged dancing there.

Completely unnecessary, but, anyway he's...Oh!

Tall Paul gets his first dunking.

I have a feeling it may not be his last.

You can do this, Paul!

Not the face of a man about to cross the Shape Shifter.

But I have been wrong before.

Not this time.

Tall Paul finishes with one leg of his shorts rolled up

in a time of 3:55.

Whoo!

Did you enjoy it in comparison to the last time?

Yes, I definitely did.

And I do plan to come in the top one.

Well, that plan's already failed

because Scary Claire's in the number one slot at the moment

with Riccardo Charlardo in second and Charlotte Charlardo in third.

Man Mountain Syed's in fourth,

while Tall Paul's in the top five, for now.

And poor old Malcolm Hood's all on his lonesome in last place.

Six down, 14 still to come.

Now, the dangerously-fast obstacles and perilously-high falls

that punctuate the Total Wipeout course

might look like harmless fun,

but beware, because they can also be harmful.

# Lights will guide you home

# And I will try... #

Aaarrrggghhh!

But it's not only the contestants who get injured on this show.

There is one brave little soldier who selflessly

and very heroically puts himself at risk every single week.

Check out this guy.

Guys? Got any clips?

There are loads on the cassettes labelled, My Highlights.

All right. I might have a spare.

Oh! Here it is! Pop this on.

# I am the man

# Who would fight for your honour. #

What I'm really getting at is this.

It's time for some contestants who got injured first time around.

This is 53-year-old Iron Man, Mark.

Who, despite being made of iron, was injured on the Dreadmill,

shattering his dreams of Wipeout glory and that £10,000 prize.

And this is 23-year-old Jade With One Sock,

who suffered a similar fate,

devastatingly losing a sock on the Qualifier.

And then she hurt her knee on Dizzy Dummies. A double tragedy.

These last-chance saloonies both have unfinished business.

But who's got true grit and who's going to bite the dust?

The Iron Man is back, and this time,

I'm not going to end up as scrap!

Make this happen cos Jade is back!

OK, so we've established they're both...back,

let's see how managing director Mark fares on the stairs.

Oh, he fares badly on the stairs.

Little bit more Tin Man than Iron Man, there.

The key is not to stand on the slippery blocks that

fly out from underneath you, but that is the more amusing option,

so thank you for that.

Jade, now,

trying to tame the bucking bronco...

No, no, she has been bucked off.

Well, that was a complete waste of time.

OK, the gymnastics coach

is flying across the Sucker Punch.

That's looking good.

She's done it! Lovely work.

Iron Man Mark looking a bit rusty.

Needs to be quick to beat Jade now.

Last time, he only managed the first ball.

He... oh.. That's consistency for you. Exactly the same.

Can Jade continue her flawless qualifier run?

Yes, yes, yes...

Oh! It just got floored.

Iron Man Mark finishes in just over two minutes, but in one piece,

so a marked improvement there.

And here's Jade,

also injury-free, to finish just one second off the top spot.

Thank goodness no-one got injured.

GUNSHOT

That doesn't count.

Someone's taking this seriously.

Maybe a bit too seriously.

It is supposed to be fun.

It's chicken farm receptionist, Clucky Jackie.

Yeah, that's more like it.

Last time, I got to ball number one,

now I'm going to get to the fourth one!

Yeah, now she's not taking it seriously enough.

55-year-old Jackie sets off.

Here we go. Oh. Oh!

Oh, that was one FOWL manoeuvre.

At the top of the course, Jackie shouted very loudly

that she'd make it to ball four.

It is time to deliver on that promise.

She's dawdling, the Demotivator's activated,

but she's onto the first ball.

Is she waiting for it to hatch?

It's going to be big if it does, isn't it?

I think we'll come back to Jackie later.

Sometimes you meet a contestant where there's no point

giving them an introduction because, basically,

they're best off doing it themselves.

LOUDLY: Rock and roll!

What?

LOUDLY: I said rock and roll!

-It's John, from Liverpool.

-There's a new Sheriff in town...

He's a rock and roller and this place ain't big enough for the both of us.

Scary stuff.

I'm talking about the trousers, obviously.

# I said yeah! #

Here's Rock God John on the Rings.

Through the first.

And now the second. And the third.

This is looking good. Oh. Oh!

Oh, what a showman! Rock and, indeed, roll.

That's actually poetry printed on John's arm.

"There was a young rocker called John,

who fell in the water in front of everyone."

But Rock God John is on for a good time here as he completes

the course in...

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, dear, let's try that again.

John completes the course in...

He completes... Completes...

You've got to grab the rope.

On the other side. It's there.

There you go.

So, John does complete the course completely in 2:38.

Eventually.

Wow-wee.

That was hard!

# I said rock and roll!

INCREASES TO HIGH PITCH

Oh, he'll have to pay for that!

Back with Clucky Jackie, who has finished

incubating the Big Red Egg and is preparing to leave the roost.

She's on.

She's off. She fell off the egg.

Clucky Jackie completes the Qualifier in just over five minutes.

You just can't have enough of that chicken dance.

Let's have some more. There you go.

Ah, there's life in the old chuck yet.

Cluck, cluck!

OK, you can have enough, actually. You can.

After a long day roping steers out on the range,

I like to heat me up some beans on the campfire

and tell a tale or two of old cowboy folklore.

Rattlesnakes,

coyotes,

Dances With Wolves!

Revenge.

Which leads me nicely to the next posse of contestants,

a dangerous gang of outlaws, known only as...

Yeah. The Revengers.

This is 46-year-old bit-part actress, Darling Dee.

She has a vendetta against the Motivator.

It gave her a bruised ego and a blazing saddle.

She's out for justice.

I'm scared.

As Roosevelt said,

"The only thing to fear is fear itself."

And the Big Red Balls.

And the Demotivator.

Oh! She's learnt her lesson.

But she hasn't learnt how to get past the first ball.

Next, it's two mean hombres,

Mike and Elias, who take the talk...

This course is going to burn.

Let's be honest, I'm here to win.

..but utterly fail to walk any sort of walk.

Elias got stuck in the mud for a record eight minutes,

whilst wrestler Mike simply threw in the towel.

Mud versus man, Round One.

Mud wins.

So, eight minutes to beat.

Come on, Elias, out you get!

Round Two for mighty Mike.

Oh, Mighty Mike's done the same as Elias

and just, sort of, fallen off.

The Mighty has fallen,

so no revenge here - just mud.

Lastest and meanest of the Revengers posse

is Sarah Wears The Trousers, who wants revenge on her boyfriend.

Last time in Argentina,

Sarah was joined by cheerleading partner, Andy.

They started in sync,

but he made it through to the final,

leaving Sarah adrift and giving him evils.

Sarah looking mighty serious now...

Concentrate!

But then dilute with water.

Sucker Punch, now.

Oh, dear.

Not going well. Come on, Sarah.

A Big Ball crossing would certainly show Andy who wears the trousers.

Yeah!

Wow! Oh!

Sarah Wears The Trousers finishes in 3:30,

which currently is enough to qualify, but that could all change.

Yeah, I'm happy with it.

Probably go down, hopefully, as a legend from it.

Yeah(!)

So, with 14 desperadoes run,

the last-chance leaderboard looks like this...

Scary Claire maintains pole position,

Jade With One Sock's a close second

and Iron Man Mark is in third.

Rock God John is the meat in the Charlardo sandwich, sat in fifth,

whilst Sarah Wears The Trousers

is - crikey! - looking quite safe in eighth.

Clucky Jackie is nesting in 11th and it's currently a tie for

that last qualifying place between soggy bottom boys, Mike and Elias.

Now, this is a real showdown.

These two first met in Series One

with girl-power Jodie beating Circus Joe in a dramatic

photo finish on the Sweeper.

Jo...die, you are going through.

Joe is hell-bent on settling the score.

(APATHETICALLY) Jodie, karma's coming to get you.

Ahem. Joe is hell-bent on settling the score.

Oh. (BLEEP)

SHOUTS: Jodie, karma's coming to get you!

Better! So, Circus Joe is off.

He's not actually in the circus anymore, he's a barman.

Still making people laugh, though. Good swing!

And he's across.

Now the rings. Through the first.

Oh, oh no, he's not, he's going back, taking the scenic route.

Through the second.

Nope, same technique...

..different result.

Sucker Punch now, for Girl-Power Jodie.

What do you think she does for a job?

Yep, a media auditor!

Oh, dear! Less power, more shower needed now.

Looking more like the Incredible Hulk, even the Incredible Jodie.

Joe on the Shape Shifter. Here we go!

Makes a slide.

He's in. He's out.

He's in the water.

Now, a good swing here and Girl-Power Jodie might have

just bagged herself a second victory over rival Circus Joe.

OK, this looks good.

Feet in.

Feet out.

Oh, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

No, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes...

-And there's the inevitable.

-No.

This is going to be nail-bitingly close, neck and neck.

Who is going to make it first?

Oh, I don't believe it!

It's going to be another photo finish, it is!

These two are inseparable.

You'll be interested to know that there was

one second between you two on the Qualifier.

Fastest by a second was...

-..Joe.

-Yes! Yes!

Joe's pipped me this time, but, fingers crossed,

I'll see him in the next round, where, hopefully, the tables turn.

Next for some second helpings of hurtings is Kooky Carla who,

on her last visit to Buenos Aires,

was banking on assistance from her invisible spirit guide.

Crystal Veil, who is an ancient Egyptian belly-dancing spirit,

who dances in my body sometimes.

Talk to me about Crystal. She was pretty useless last time?

She's actually on holiday in Ibiza now.

# Club Tropicana drinks are free... #

I'm on my own,

but I'm going to give it my best, going solo.

OK, off she goes, solo, clearly, as you can see there,

nobody following her.

The bucking bronco stairs.

Oh, once again, making a virtue of their dodgy hydraulics.

Where's Crystal when you need her?

# Fun and sunshine There's enough for everyone... #

Perhaps Carla will have more luck on the Rings.

There's one dispatched with. This is number two.

-Oh, a little wobble but she's... Oh, no.

-Oh, no!

I don't think she went through,

so she'll have to go back and try again.

That's a painful route.

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

But she is back in position.

Here goes...

Hang on, she's just chasing it round in circles!

# If we turn, turn...#

Thankfully, she has passed that troublesome third ring.

No, she has fallen in anyway.

One spirit too many!

A determined pause before the balls, getting focused.

She's running, she's bouncing, she's falling, she's swimming.

# Going up to the spirit in the sky... #

Well, kooky Carla eventually finishes in 4:52.

So, Crystal Veil was absent in your last run.

-Was there any sighting of her this time?

-Absolutely none, whatsoever!

I tell you what, I'll be having words with her later!

That's funny because my spirit guide, Gavin,

is on holiday at the moment, too.

# Club Tropicana drinks are free... #

Anyway, so far today,

it seems everyone is struggling to dislodge Scary Claire

from the top of the leaderboard, but if anyone can, a record breaker can.

Yes, that's right, a record breaker.

Athlete Dean Macey holds the record for the fastest-ever Qualifier.

Great Scott holds the record for the fastest ever Wipeout Zone.

And I hold the record for the funniest-ever joke

on a Saturday early evening BBC One light entertainment show.

So, I am very proud to welcome back record breaker, Bouncy Jill.

Bouncy Jill?

Jill, tell me about your record-breaking achievement

here on Total Wipeout?

Well, I do hold the time for the slowest time ever

around the Total Wipeout course.

Which was?

Around 16-17 minutes.

SNIGGERING >.

It's not that bad.

I'm not laughing!

Perhaps not exactly the kind of record-breaker I had in mind,

but Jill does seem very confident

so we might just have a contender here.

Storming assault on the stairs.

Looks like she might have tamed the wild beast.

No, no.

# Once, twice,

# Three times... #.

Glancing at the clock, I see Jill's already passed Scary Claire's time

and quite a few others, but let's focus on the positives.

She's nearly through the first ring. That's a good thing.

There's a leg.

A leg is through! A leg is through the ring and that is... OK.

Meanwhile, let me you tell you about Bouncy Jill.

She's an nightclub bouncer, she owns six cats,

enjoys a round of poker and lives in Newcastle.

Somebody help her, I can't bear this.

She's through the first ring!

Nothing can stop her now, but she's fallen over again.

Right, a new approach to this one.

The fall over and through - it's worked.

That is the second ring conquered. Only two left.

Oh, she's in.

Let's come back to Jill.

This honed cowgirl could be the one that to rope in Scary Claire's time.

It's Frantastic, because her name is Fran and she was fantastic.

Fran looked a certainty for glory, but was cruelly crushed

by Crash Mountain and now she's back.

Better watch out lads, round two, ding ding!

Yes, this is round one of Fran's round two.

Oh, she's just warming up.

That wasn't very Frantastic.

No, she's just getting going. Onto the rings.

Still warming up.

Sucker punch now.

This is where Fran gets into her stride. Go, Fran, go.

Come on. Yes! Oh!

Very real danger of Fran losing her tastic.

But coming up are the Big Red Balls

and the last time, Fran conquered them with panache.

Can she do it again?

For us, for herself, for history - come on!

No, not at all.

Oh, she's half the woman she was before.

Final time for Calamity Fran...

The Sheriff is back in town to lay down the law on Total Wipeout.

-Hi, Alex!

-Hi, Amanda.

It's really good to see you again.

Did you love watching yourself on television the last time?

Until the end of the course and then I go and drool on live television.

I remember that, Alex.

Yeah, yeah...trying to forget that.

Sorry, are you annoyed with me for not wiping up after you?

Yes, you could have at least mentioned it to me.

Yeah, Amanda, meanie! No wonder he wants another go.

Alex heading to the Balls and sporting a mud goatee -

makes him look older, somehow. Useful in pubs.

Oh, no, goatee gone!

Bit of a swim.

Shake your drool off!

And then Alex onto the Shape Shifter.

Alex off the Shape Shifter.

No hanging around there!

Holy Moley Alex completes the course in...

Hang on, let me have a look at you, let me have a look at you.

-You're drool free!

-Yay!

-Put it there!

Dignity successfully restored.

Oh.

Ha! RASPBERRY

One second, my shoelace has come undone.

One second.

Just Bouncy Jill yet to finish then.

I'm going to step on.

Don't want to get off...

-Now, these are the balls she's facing.

-One second.

-Yes.

Come on, Jill.

A time of 16.44 to beat, you CAN do it!

You can! You're going to, I know this!

-Wah!

-Oh, ha-ha-ha!

This is an excellent opportunity

-to reignite a whirlwind romance, I think.

-Oh!

# I can be your hero, baby... #

Who can forget Argentina 2010 - Eduardo certainly can't.

# I can kiss away the pain. #

And he's back for more!

-Ah!

-Ha-ha-ha!

JILL SQUEALS

RICHARD LAUGHS

But Bouncy Jill is nearing the finish, she's going to do it!

Oh, Eduardo's got a Jill on his head.

Yes, she done it!

More than a minute faster than her record-breaking slowest best,

if you see what I mean.

Well done, Jill! Ha-ha! I am inspired!

I've got to get down now.

Oh.

So, it's adios to the Qualifier

and Scary Claire remains unmoved

at the top of the table -

a sterling effort.

Jade With One Sock couldn't be closer in second

and Iron Man Mark is in third.

Holy Moley Alex makes it through drool-free in fifth,

Girl Power Jodie and Circus Joe

will continue their battle in the next round,

qualifying in seventh and eighth.

And Calamity Fran just scrapes through

in that final qualifying position.

So, for eight of today's contestants, the doors have shut

at the last-chance saloon.

It is one final shot of redeye, before riding off into the sunset.

Well, catching a minibus back to the hotel.

No more chances for them.

# Shot down in a blaze of glory

# Take me now, but know the truth

# Cos I'm going down in a blaze of glory

# Lord, I never drew first But I drew first blood

# I'm the devil's son

# Call me young gun. #

So, the last-chance saloon-ies are about to get double-crossed.

They must dash from the starting podium

to the centre of the cross using the green gangways only.

Once in the middle,

they can only reach the finish podium using the red gangway,

whilst all the time avoiding that big counter-spinning cross.

First six to make it home on the range,

by which I mean, across, progress to the next round.

Here's a little reminder of who's who.

First in the qualifier, Scary Claire.

-It's time to live up to the nickname and scare off the competition.

-Scary.

Then there's Jade With One Sock...

Guys, watch me double-cross you out the competition!

..and Iron Man Mark.

Fourth in the Qualifier, Riccardo Charlardo,

then there's Holy Moley Alex...

I'm going to leave these guys in the dark!

..Rock God John and Circus Joe.

You're not sweeping me off my feet this time, Jodie!

Talking of Jodie...

Girl power is alive and well!

..it's Girl Power Jodie.

-And here's Charlotte Charlardo.

-Riccardo, can we go home yet?

Er, that's a no.

I'm a big fan, it's Man Mountain Syed.

Watch me fly!

Followed by Sarah Wears the Trousers.

And, finally, 12th in the Qualifier, it's Calamity Fran.

You've seen my jab, now check out my double-cross.

There are so many numbers running through my head right now -

12 is the number of contestants left,

six is the number that will make it through,

there will be six losers and what's that other number?

Oh, yeah, 999 - it's Double-cross! Are you all ready?

ALL: Yeah!

There's going to be in emergency. Three, two, one!

KLAXON BLARES

The double-crossing has begun and that's Riccardo off first,

and straight to the middle -

much to Charlotte's evidence delight.

Jodie runs...

Wait, leap...

-Oh!

-Oh!

-That was an AMAZING leap!

OK, that's Claire and she's made it to the middle if she can hang on -

-which she can't.

-Oh, Claire!

Who's got the guts to go next?

It's Charlotte and Jade.

Oh, meanwhile, Riccardo's made a run for the finish...

-He is across!

-Yeah, yes!

The male half of Charlardo is through,

whilst the female half is languishing in the water.

Claire's second try.

That's it, Claire, take your time.

The fastest qualifier playing it cool, but now she's going for it.

She's going for it now!

Ooh-hoo, Double-cross not making any friends today.

Iron Man Mark...

Oops! Ooh, ow. Worst effort so far.

The Iron Man taking a hammering there.

It looks like he's hurt.

Oh, that's a shame, Iron Man Mark has been struck by injury again

and it's the end of the railroad for him.

Looks like Charlotte is in trouble, too.

Just as Riccardo makes it through to the next round

Charlotte's game is over.

Down to nine last-chance saloon-ies.

Rock God John has picked the moment, hurdles one,

then leaps for it... Oh!

Painfully close. Painfully, PAINFULLY close.

Bad luck.

Now, who's that? It's Jade, she's in the middle.

Come on!

Now joined by Scary Claire.

And now Joe, as well.

Come on, gang.

Remember it was at this stage three years ago

that Joe was knocked out by Jodie.

Rock God John again and he made that look easy that time.

Four people in the middle now. Five, if Jodie makes it -

she has!

John's gone for it...

And he makes it through in those unmistakable purple chaps.

He is through!

And there's Jade, quick as a flash, she through, as well.

Joe, looking eager, goes for it

but he's mistimed it and gives his rival Jodie the upper hand.

That's cheerleader Sarah...

Oh, swept off her feet and not in a good way.

Nothing to cheer about, so far.

-Come on!

-Come on!

Claire and Joe are still waiting. There goes Jodie.

Oh, and there goes Jodie. Joe will be happy with that.

Oh, there's Holy Moley Alex, yet to make it to the middle.

Oh, and that's why!

Scary Claire has finally gone through it and she's on.

Oh, get up, get up, get up get up, get up, get up!

Has she got the upper body strength? This is amazing, she has done it.

# I'm still standing... #

Oh, that woman is a genius in the art of standing up.

Well, you see those hours of standing up practise

all worth it now.

Amazing strength and determination from Scary Claire.

Only two spaces left in the next round.

And Jodie makes it to the centre.

Biding her time, could she knock Joe out again?

Come on, Jodie!

Picking her moment, she's gone for it...

and she HAS made it!

Girl Power Jodie is through and the pressure is on for Circus Joe.

Only one place left.

Who's got the gumption to go for it?

Alex, Syed, Sarah, Fran or Joe?

Man Mountain Syed has gone for it and he's been hit...

but he's hanging on! Interesting approach -

and funny for us.

Oh, my little spider monkey, there he goes! Yes!

-Well, he's in the middle, fair enough.

-For that he deserves to win.

Hmm.

Fran runs and is on the Sweeper, too.

Copying Syed's groundbreaking approach -

it's worked, Calamity Fran is in the middle.

Syed looking very serious,

whilst Alex has finally made it to the centre.

-Oh, my goodness, Alex actually made it to the centre.

-He has.

Oh, and he's wasting no time in...

jumping straight into the water!

Syed going for it, for Bangladesh, for Birmingham...

for-get about it.

Joe now alone on the platform.

He's made it to the middle.

So, it looks like it's down to Joe and Fran.

One final place up for grabs. Waiting for that red gangway now.

Joe...going for it...

and he's done it, it's all over.

Yes!

We have six.

Which means his battle with Jodie continues into the next round.

I can't wait!

So, sadly, six more contestants have at last

used up their last chance in the last-chance saloon.

Categorically no more last chances for them now.

Unless we do another special, the last last-chance saloon.

Shall we get Bouncy Jill back?

'Double-cross was hard. It was frightening.'

Just the injury came back to haunt me.

I thought I'd really got over it, but SO disappointed.

CHANTS: We are proud of you, Said, we are proud of you! Say what?

So, I'm proud of me.

'The course is proper hard.

'I would have loved to get to the next stage.'

I kept going for it, going for it, but it just wasn't going to happen.

Game over.

I'm really proud of Riccardo

and, hopefully, he'll be in the final and win it.

It's carnage, it's petrifying.

You've got to try things and you've always got to try your best,

and I did my best.

No, I haven't been very Frantastic this time, have I?

It was just a matter of timing it right

and, well, I weren't very good at that, apparently.

I did better than last time, definitely.

And I didn't drool, that's always important.

Yee-hah! It's the Terror-go-round.

The six remaining last chancers must ride the untamed mustang

that is the revolving Terror-go-round,

avoiding the fickle fingers of fate and whatever is thrown at them

by those no-good varmints, the Terror Twins.

There are three heats and each time the last gunslinger standing

goes through to the Wipeout Zone.

Genghis Khan? Hmmf, he was a pussycat!

Great white shark? Great white minnow, I say.

Terror-go-round - now that's PROPER scary!

Are you all ready?

ALL: Woo!

Be scared, be very scared.

Three, two, one...

Time to meet the last chance Terror-go-rounders.

He's closer to the Wipeout Zone than he is to getting engaged,

it's Riccardo Charlardo.

This half of Charlardo's got unfinished business with this course.

Owner of the world's worse trouser collection, Rock God John.

Rock 'n' roll! Ow!

She got injured last time round, she hasn't got injured today,

so far, it's Jade With One Sock.

Come on!

First in the qualifier, she's scary, she's Clairey, it's Scary Claire.

Time to live up to the nickname and scare off the competition.

Doing it for the girls and also

because she really wants to beat Joe, it's Girl Power Jodie.

Girl power!

And finally, doing it for the boys

and because he really wants to beat Jodie, it's Circus Joe.

JODIE, Karma's coming to get you!

So, heat one begins and I can tell by the flying suitcases and holdalls

that the theme of this week's projectiles is left luggage.

That big sign helps a bit, too.

Now, the fingers are spinning,

causing some trouble at the back, there.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

-Oh!

-Both Joe and Jodie are taken out.

That's half the Js gone!

Look at that, perfect synchronicity from the arch-rivals.

Beautiful stuff.

So, Riccardo, Claire, John and Jade are still in this.

Oh. No, scratch that. Riccardo's gone down, too.

But Jade, Claire and John are still on their feet.

Have they run out of luggage? Oh, no, no.

That bag and Fickle Finger combo is causing chaos now.

Claire's down, too. John's tripped over her.

That's him out of this heat.

John was over the finger

but couldn't dodge Scary Claire's legs and it all went wrong.

Claire is so determined not to fail this time.

It is now between Claire and Jade.

Here comes a teddy bear.

Yes.

Oh, skimmed off Claire's head.

Oh, I can't bear it.

Jade's cleared it again but Claire is down for good now, which means

Jade is the first last-chancer through to the Wipeout Zone.

And she is a tiny bit happy about that.

So, unfortunately for Scary Claire,

she'll have to go through it all again in Heat Two.

So, Round Two and here come the Fickle Fingers.

Oh, all of them get over safely first time.

Joe takes some luggage on the head.

A couple of stumbles, but they're all still up.

Here it comes again, there it goes.

Oh, Jodie's down, but she's just about holding on.

Yes, she's up again.

Not looking so good this time. The fingers have taken a few out there.

Joe and Claire, fallen at the back.

Jodie is hoisted up and dunked by the Fickle Finger.

So, now it's a head-to-head between John and Riccardo.

They are exhausted.

They're barely able to run. But we don't care.

Riccardo gets a bang on the head. They both clear the Fickle Finger.

The other half of Charlardo urging him on from the sidelines.

I'm exhausted just looking at them.

Riccardo's over but this time John is swept away

so Riccardo joins Jade in the Wipeout Zone.

Charlotte, understandably ecstatic.

I suppose that 10-grand prize could buy quite an engagement ring.

Sorry(!)

Right, final heat

and the last chance for these four to earn a place in the Wipeout Zone.

Will it be Jodie, Joe, John or Claire?

Here comes the luggage.

Oh, Claire takes a case to the head.

The Fickle Fingers of Fate begin to turn.

John's over, Claire's over.

Jodie's out.

John's over again and now Claire is down

but somehow she's back on her feet.

Joe's out now and Claire's over but she's back from the brink.

Oh! The best recovery I have ever seen.

It was incredible. Against the odds, Claire is still in with a chance

but will it be John who bags that final Wipeout Zone place?

The luggage keeps coming and so do the Fickle Fingers.

John skips over, but...

Oh, no! Claire is done for this time.

-That is heartbreaking for Claire.

-That she cannot get up from.

But John and his trousers are into the Wipeout Zone.

I'm sure they're not sensible sports attire.

So, for the three eliminated contestants,

their last chance just ran out.

So near but, yet again, so far and, right now, so upset.

It's goodbye to Scary Claire.

She ran out of girl power. It's Girl Power Jodie.

And while Circus Joe managed to narrowly outlive his rival

that is little consolation now.

Today's biggest showdown ends in a draw.

It's last orders at the last-chance saloon

and John, Jade and Riccardo are into the Wipeout Zone.

None of them made it this far last time,

so victory tonight will be all the sweeter

and that makes this Wipeout Zone all the more tense.

Really, you could cut the tension with a knife right now.

Here, I'll show you. Pass me a knife.

Not a cheese knife. That won't cut tension.

Plus, it's poor etiquette.

Have you got a butter knife?

Fish?

Give it here.

No.

Nothing. May as well use a spoon.

You either win or you lose, there's no second place.

'You sit on your sofa watching it and go,'

"I could do that. I could do that." You couldn't.

'If I see someone put in 100%, I'll put in 200%.'

I didn't turn up here to come second.

Riccardo is quite quick.

You've got to give it to him, he won Double Cross, so you never know with Riccardo.

I think Charlotte will be proud that I got into the final.

'If I win, obviously, she'll be even prouder.'

If I won £10,000, I would renew my Arsenal season ticket.

HE LAUGHS

I don't think Amanda needs to buy a hat just yet.

John is a little bit crazy. He does shout a lot.

Yaaaaoooow!

Hopefully, he'll use up his energy before we get there.

I think all that stage diving must be improving his fitness,

cos he seems to be going quite well.

It's a shame they don't invent a leopard-print wetsuit,

cos I'd be wearing that on the final. You've got to look good when you win.

'Everybody underestimates a rock and roller.'

They don't think we take life seriously. We do.

We take having fun seriously.

Jade is good. Jade is fitter than any bloke I know.

Good, that's what I like to hear.

I've never seen anyone more determined than Jade to win this.

She is unbelievably tough.

Yeah, they should be scared of me.

My family and friends think I'm absolutely bonkers for coming back, cos I said,

"It's the hardest thing I've ever done." But I've got no injuries, no bruises

and I feel confident.

'This time, winning does mean a lot. I like to win.'

Nerve wracking, very nerve wracking.

I want to stand there and hold that trophy.

'I've got a point to prove for all rock and rollers.'

As Freddy Mercury once said, "We are the champions and we will rock you."

Howdy, partners.

It's time to saddle up for a showdown at the last-chance saloon.

Three mean desperados have made it to the Wipeout Zone

and John is the first to brave it.

Yee-hah!

This one's for Dio. Long live rock and roll.

Yeah, that's probably a rock thing.

And he's in the mosh pit.

Rock God John is on a roll.

Can he keep it up and beat the Wipeout Zone?

It's a swim to the Rapid Climb first.

Oh, yeah.

Once he's pulled himself up and onto it, a ten-second countdown begins.

There it is, that noise means John has got ten seconds

to reach the top before a tidal wave of epic proportions is unleashed.

-But he's beaten it.

-Yes!

John's looking comfortable as he tiptoes onto the Seesaw of Truth.

A head for heights and good balance essential here.

Here comes the tipping point

and John is over.

Taking it very steady, though, that's not doing much for his time.

This obstacle is where it gets really tough. The Crazy Sweeper.

An early duck.

He makes his move. This can be done in one now.

He's going for it.

Risky, but he's done it.

Right, Turntables are next.

Onto the first.

His legs must be burning now.

The Pillars of No Return.

-Oh, ho-ho!

-No.

After a flawless run,

John just miscalculates his jump onto the second turntable.

That means it's a difficult climb back up onto the final Turntable.

But he's got just one jump to go.

And rock god John pushes the button in a time of...

John seemed to be taking it steady,

but, just like his hair, that time is not to be sniffed at.

John, that was a head-banging performance, my man.

-It was rock god-like. How are you feeling?

-I'm feeling great.

That was just pure rock and roll.

After the events of today, that was just easy.

John, I can tell you that you did that

in a hall-of-fame-worthy time of two minutes and two seconds.

Two-oh-two, baby, two-oh-two. Oh, yeah, that's the way it goes.

Rock and roll!

John, yours is the time to beat, but Riccardo's up next. Let's watch.

He's the back half of Charlardo. It's Riccardo.

Charlotte, this is for you.

Aw, that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

So, he's in and Riccardo is off

in the wrong-ish direction.

Nevertheless he's found his way to the Rapid Climb.

He's going to have to get a shift on

if he wants to beat John's time of two minutes two seconds.

Not that he knows how John did.

Right, he's up. Begin the tidal wave countdown.

Ten seconds to get up there, but this is looking comfortable.

So, the wave deactivated.

Charlotte willing him onwards.

Right, Seesaw of Truth now.

Taking it steady here.

Oh!

Reaches the tipping point

and Riccardo is safe.

The Crazy Sweeper now. John completed this in two,

can Riccardo beat that?

Choosing his moment, he's running.

He's going in one, he's going in one.

He is running but a duck.

He's going in two, it seems.

Up on his feet and off again.

Superb. This is quick stuff from Riccardo.

He is a speedy boy.

He is. Onto the first Turntable.

This next bit is where John came unstuck.

He jumps.

Oh, no! Exactly the same place.

Those dreaded pillars have claimed another victim.

But he's still on for a good time here.

A quick recovery now and Riccardo could still steal the lead.

He's up onto the Turntable, leaps,

One minute 44. Riccardo has edged into pole position.

Charlotte, understandably pleased.

An almost flawless run from Riccardo sets the benchmark very high.

This is tense.

Riccardo. The Italian stallion. How are you doing, my man?

-Tired.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, tired. No, brilliant.

You looked like you were having a really good time.

I was. Scary at first, but then you get into it.

John was great here tonight, Riccardo, I've got to tell you that.

But you are going to be even prouder than Charlotte,

because you were faster than John.

John, I'm sorry, my man, go join the others.

-You know what this means.

-I think she'll be faster than that.

All right, yours is still the time to beat. Let's watch Jade.

Can Jade With One Sock pull up her remaining sock and beat Riccardo?

Let's make this happen.

OK, Eduardo, give that rubber ring a shove.

Jade is off the ring and swimming in the wrong direction again.

Left a bit, left. Left.

-It looks like she's going out.

-She's going the long way round, isn't she?

It's the scenic route.

-Was I out quicker than that?

-I think you were, yeah.

Right, Jade climbing and pulling herself up onto the Rapid Climb now.

She needs to make this snappy.

1.44 is a pretty quick time to beat.

It looks like she's really struggling with that pounding water.

-Oh.

-Oh!

Oh, she's off.

She's stopped trying. Something is up.

Oh, no. Here come the lifeguards.

Looks like Jade is out of the competition. That is heartbreaking.

Jade didn't have a chance to get going,

before swallowing so much water she simply couldn't carry on.

It just goes to show how hard the Wipeout Zone really is.

-What on earth just happened?

-I don't know. I absolutely flopped.

I swallowed about ten gallons of water.

I couldn't get up that ladder so, what can you do, ain't it?

Well, look, don't be down on yourself.

You are such a strong, tough chick, all right?

Yeah, it's fine, thanks.

But at the end of the day, there's only enough room in this town

for one champion

and that champion is now you.

Riccardo, you are the Total Wipeout champion. Congratulations.

And doesn't Charlotte look proud of him? Deservedly so, too.

Aw, look, a big hug for the winner. It's romantic, that.

So, the good news is that firefighter Riccardo La Torre

from Essex has totally taken advantage of his last chance

and won £10,000 , plus the Total Wipeout trophy.

But the even better news is

I've finally got hold of an actual cowboy costume.

I'm going to keep it on. Just going out for a quick drink with my mates.

Steve's a construction worker, Tony's a courier

and there's Baz, he's a policeman.

Come on, guys, let's go.

From Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

What?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd