Episode 6 Total Wipeout

South America, a continent steeped in history of historical history.

Machu Picchu, Nazca, Tongariki.

But there was one sacred site

that had baffled archaeologists for decades.

Las Ruinos de Bolas.

Mystical, spiritual, ancient.

But this treasured site was won in a game of cards

by a mean hombre called Jesus.

He bulldozed the lot and built something bigger and better

and not as historical.

Sorry.

Tonight, 20 plucky Brits including a zookeeper, a librarian,

and an Olympian's wife

have journeyed to Argentina to do battle

on that hallowed ground.

One will return home with £10,000 of treasure,

the other 19 will just come home.

Welcome to Total Wipeout,

a fun-filled extravaganza of foam and falling.

Or if you've just switched over from BBC Four,

it's a discourse on the fugacity of perpendicularity

in the contemporary gameshow milieu.

Or if you've just switched over from BBC Three,

it's a real sick ting bless-up fam.

Here's what today's contestants are about to face.

The Qualifier. Brutal but funny.

Double Cross. Even more brutal but no less funny.

SCREAM!

Terror-Go-Round. Getting pretty serious. Still funny.

And the Wipeout Zone.

Hey, it's your lounge, you can giggle if you want to.

That's the explanation side of things out of the way.

Time now for the un-explanation side. That can't be right. It's...

No, uh, it's just time for the side directly opposite

the explanation side of the many-sided thing of...

Look, can I start again? I've...

Joining me now and ready to do battle against the Qualifier

is Tom from Norwich who is a business analyst.

Aaaargh!

Yeah, and a pretty angry one at that, I'd say.

Now, Tom, are you an actual Viking?

Yeah, we go to festivals and we will feast and we drink

and we make merry long into the night.

Do you spend time

-flexing your muscles by polishing your horns on your helmet?

-Yes.

All the time. I've got the shiniest helmet all around.

Aaargh!

Oh, no, he's broken his axe, look.

By the mighty hammer of Thor, I shall prevail!

I'm a little bit scared of Tom.

Don't be scared, he's not a real Viking. Or is he?

Nothing to worry about. Without his axe, he's just a big softy.

26-year-old Tom giving it a good go up on the pontoons.

But all this could change

when he encounters today's first obstacle, which is brand new.

An exotic combination of red and blue foam and a few wobbly bits.

Contestants must leap from one hurdle to the next,

avoiding the hidden springs.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the...

FANFARE

What do you mean it hasn't got a name?

This is awkward but brilliant. I'm going to name it.

I hereby christen this obstacle...

The Hammond...

Hurdles.

But how will Tom the Viking fare on this fiendish new obstacle?

Well, he's made it across. In fact, he made that look easy.

Contestant - one, Hammond Hurdles - nil.

Next, it's the Sucker Punch. Wall, mud, fists, squirty water.

Simple as that.

Oh, knock to the jaw! He is as hard as nails, isn't he?

That's not very Viking-like, is it?

# I Am A Viking... #

MUSIC STOPS

VIKING HORN BLARES

So, Tom the Viking battles on up the Ramp,

towards the Big Red Balls.

They're big. They're bouncy. And they're hard to cross.

There's no hanging about

because the Demotivator can kick in at any moment.

Tom grits his Viking teeth,

-takes a running Viking leap...

-Aaargh!

..and with a Viking cry, falls off.

# I am a Viking... #

Good job he wasn't wearing his helmet.

That wouldn't have helped, would it?

No matter. With the clock still ticking,

Tom makes his way to the final obstacle.

It's not the ladder, it's the Shapeshifter that follows.

Like a seaside Ferris wheel,

it goes round and round and occasionally breaks down.

There is no sitting back and enjoying the view, though,

just a bounce onto the all-new trampette

and a dive through the cut-out of your choice to the finish podium.

Easy peasy.

For us. We're sitting here watching.

So, steely nerves jangling, Tom the Viking sets forth,

safely onto the trampette.

Now comes the difficult bit. Which shape is he going for?

It's the triangle.

He's in. He needs to get out.

Ow! But what a great finish.

Even though it's without a face.

You went for that hell for leather.

For honour and glory.

I've earned my place in Valhalla.

Yeah!

Next is 31-year-old Caz.

She's a primary school teacher from Brighton.

Aaargh-yaargh-yaargh!

I think.

Caz on the pontoons.

Yes, come on!

OK, Hammond Hurdles, ahoy! Here we go.

Yes, yes, yes, yes,

yes-ish, no,

not at all.

Doing their job nicely there, you see. And there's more to come.

-Gordon Bennett!

-Gordon indeed.

Come on, Caz. You can do it. Here we go. Yes.

A little unsteady.

And she's over.

SHE LAUGHS

# Shut up, just shut up, shut up

# Shut up, just shut up, shut up

# Shut up, just shut up, shut up

# Shut it up. #

This is really hard work.

It might be easier if you kept the chat down.

She's not stop talking all the way around.

Chit Chat Caz to the Shapeshifter.

Safely onto the trumpet.

Timing her jump now.

# Tonight...

# Atomic! #

Yeah, that could damage the vocal chords.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I've done it.

Yeah, you did. We saw.

-Yeah.

-Wooh!

I'm not sure who she is actually talking to.

-Herself. She is still going.

-Wooh!

-Aha.

OK, you can be quiet now.

# Just shut up, shut up. #

MUSIC: It's Oh So Quiet by Bjork

This is Kim from Newport. She's a librarian.

Ssssh.

MICHAEL JACKSON: # Liberian girl... #

-No, no, I said librarian.

-Sssh.

-Sorry.

-Hi, Kim.

-Ssssh.

That wasn't awkward at all.

Silent steps now on to the Hammond Hurdles.

MUSIC: Enjoy The Silence by Depeche Mode

Silence is golden. And her tights are golden as well.

-RIP!

-Well, they were.

Not now.

Just hope that is the sound of her tights ripping and not like tendons.

Ssssh!

Sorry, just saying.

Proceeds silently to the Big Red Balls.

All, almost demotivated.

MUSIC: Spring from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi

Ball one.

Transfer to ball two.

And three. Oh, hang on. Hang on!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, no! At last she's making some noise and falling off.

-Did you see her face?

-Yeah.

MUSIC: The Sound Of Silence by Simon And Garfunkel

Oh, dear.

Shapeshifter for Shush Now Kim.

Onto the triangle.

Jump. Jump now. Come on, jump. Yes!

And it is a happy ending.

Kim completes the Qualifier in three minutes, 55.

Yes! Wooh!

-Yes, sounds like she's broken the seal.

-Wooh!

Who's next? Ah, yes, Pete, Pete the volunteer ranger from Plymouth.

Look at this guy. He can win it.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

I'm powerful Pete and I'm the one to beat.

Yeah, I still think he could win it.

DANCE MUSIC ENDS

CLIVE DUNN: # I've been sitting here all day

# Thinking... #

Being a ranger, Pete will be used to challenging situations

on the, uh,

well, on the range.

OK, let's come back to Power Ranger Pete, give him time to adjust.

This is Siobhan, a nurse from Manchester.

Mind the step, there.

So, Siobhan, ooh, you're excited!

Well, I'm scared.

She's only bluffing.

Right, Hammond Hurdles.

It is a good name.

A step back. Not a good start. That way. Yes.

Come on. On you go.

Yes, yes, ooh. Yes, no.

She wasn't bluffing at all. No.

Tell you what, let's get back to Pete.

Great. He's on the Big Balls. About time we had a ball crosser.

Will this 66-year-old Power Ranger do it like I know he can?

Yes! No.

Not at all.

Doesn't matter how old you are,

a face plant is just a slip and stumble away.

It's just a fact.

Not for everyone.

Obviously.

But for Power Ranger Pete, yes.

Power Ranger Pete hauls himself up onto the final obstacle.

And it's not a bad time so far.

Oh, hang on, he's going for the jump. Oh!

Aimed high, went low.

# Grandad... #

This is... 66!

That's not, you know...

Power Ranger Pete comes home in three minutes, nine seconds.

I really hope he qualifies.

You have proved your point, that OAPs can definitely do it

just as well as the young ones.

Oh, exhausting.

Absolutely exhausting.

Now, Total Wipeout is all about preparation

and a big part of that is good nutrition.

You've got your four major food groups.

Meat, veg,

pudding

and after-dinner mints.

But I've always wondered

whether you really need all of those to beat Total Wipeout.

How would, say, a vegan, get on compared to,

ooh, I don't know, a carnivore?

This is Victoria. She's 39-years-old.

She's a model and she's not about nuts.

-You're a vegan?

-I am, yes.

And I was voted Europe's sexiest vegetarian.

WOLF WHISTLE

I'm hoping now to be the world's sexiest vegan.

Yay!

WOLF WHISTLE

And this is Stephanie who's also a model.

Interests include eating meat,

playing the violin and boxing in a leotard.

Wow!

I just had a fight not so long ago,

it was a Models Fight Night, and I won.

This should be interesting. Let the battle commence.

SHE SCREAMS

OK, not was I was expecting.

She's off!

And at some speed, too.

Here come the Hurdles. Something to get her teeth into.

# Like a bat out of hell, I'll be gone... #

Ooh! Uh, no,

no teeth, just face. Is it me or did she forget to get dressed?

Did nobody think to tell her?

Ooh, hello!

OK, the second set now. Really going for the kill.

Oh-oh, cheeky!

Ooh!

OK, Vic the Vegan now.

Vegans rule! Vegans are the future!

Vegan power!

Wooh!

Go, Vicky! Go, Vicky!

Ow!

Taking it steady. That's too steady.

That's better. Oh.

Right, now getting onto the pontoon.

This is taking a while.

Do it for the vegetables!

Brilliant. Nothing like a bit of veg encouragement.

Onto the Hammond Hurdles. Cautious.

Yes. Yes.

No. Ooh, don't do that.

Don't do that.

Falls like a sack of potatoes.

That's got pulled muscles written all over it.

I think I'm going to be sick!

Yeah, that will be the corned beef sandwich I dropped in there earlier.

Sorry. You should have kept your mouth shut. OK, Hurdles, take two.

Come on, Vicky. Use that vegetable power. Oh, no!

Sucker Punch now.

I'm not sure it is socially acceptable to punch a vegan, is it?

Squirting them with cabbage juice is. That's fine.

Oh.

Rubbish. Shall we go to the pub?

She'll be pleased to know that that mud really is organic.

I mean, really organic.

Vampish Steph is onto the blood red balls.

She jumps onto the first, onto the second.

Keep those fangs away from the rubber.

If it bursts, she'll zip about the rest of the course

at a million miles an hour.

Onto the third. Yes. No. It went wrong so quickly, didn't it?

Vampish Steph steaming ahead to the final obstacle.

It must be all the weight saving she's made by wearing

basically nothing.

She's going for it.

And she got it, right in the face.

The vamp reaches the finish in a very respectable two minutes, 43.

Aaarh!

Whilst Vic the Vegan lost out in this battle

with a time of five minutes, 35.

Wooh!

Let's take a look at the leader board.

With seven contestants down,

Tom the Viking has pillaged his way to top spot

whilst Vampish Steph and Power Ranger Pete are in second and third.

Chit Chat Caz is in fourth

while Shush Now Kim and Scaredy-cat Siobhan are in fifth and sixth.

Vic the Vegan languishes in seventh but that could all change.

Time for some more contestants.

Kirsten from Watford.

She's a zookeeper. Hooray!

Yep, you can see why she got the job.

I'm going to smash through this course like a charging rhino.

ROAR!

OK.

Kirsten, that is more like a shuffling sloth.

And now you need to be a jumping kangaroo.

Yes, yes.

Yes. Oh! Now, a swimming sea turtle.

# Jungle boogie... #

I like them - sea turtles.

Kirsten on the Shapeshifter.

Go on.

Jump and leap.

Like a flying monkey.

You know they don't fly, don't you?

An eagle, they're better.

Yes.

-Yes, there she goes...

-SHE SCREAMS

There she went.

SONG: "Jungle Boogie"

On the plus side, a perfectly-timed jump to get through the hole.

On the negative side - the trajectory was entirely wrong.

And Kirsten seals - ha, seals! - the deal.

I thank you.

This is Glenn, an IT specialist with a passion for fashion.

-So, Glenn, what's so geeky chic-y about you, then?

-I love clothes.

I design my own, like this one.

-I would never have guessed that, Glenn.

-Oh, do you love it?

OK. Glenn's outfit was designed to make him streamlined,

light on his feet and quite a mover.

Hold on, he's not wearing the suit. Probably dry clean only. Yeah.

Still, I have every faith in Glenn. You don't need a power suit.

Look at this, see?

Oh, oops. Spoke too soon.

Glenny Glitter may be able to sew sequins onto all-in-one outfits,

but can he clear the Big Balls?

No.

No, he can't.

That's surprising. Sequin sewers are normally so good at the Big Balls,

the two skills are pretty much interchangeable.

Ah, who's this? Nice bunny hat.

And it belongs to 22-year-old Daniel from Liverpool. He's a B-boy.

So, Daniel, tell me, what on earth is a B-boy?

Well, a B-boy is sort of a break dancer.

-What kind of break dancing is it like?

-Just really old school.

Ah, I know all these moves. Backspin, hand glide, Charleston.

Yeah, I know it all.

Right, off goes Bunny Boy Daniel.

Underwater.

But the bunny hat stays on.

That's some incredible hat-wearing skills, it's a good start.

OK, Bunny Boy, spring over these hurdles. Oh, he's doing it!

Across the first set. And Daniel clears the second set too.

Woo!

Ha, Bunny Boy to the Sucker Punch.

Oh, check out these moves.

Oh, rabbit punch.

But it didn't knock the hat off, did it?

Well, this will be the test. Big Balls. Watch the hat closely.

Can he jump one?

Oh.

Oh, the hat's gone as well. It's just all gone wrong.

# Bright eyes

# Burning like fire.... #

Argh!

Being bunny hatless is not stopping Daniel. He hops home

-in two minutes, 14.

-Woo!

Now, whilst not every Total Wipeout contestant is talented

at obstacle course crossing, some of them do have other talents.

Like music.

And it's for that reason I've been workshopping the idea

of a Total Wipeout pop band.

Daniel, who was just on, he can be the backing dancer.

Obviously I'll be in the band.

On jazz flute.

FAILS TO PLAY NOTE

This one's broken.

While I can see the appeal of a flute/B-boy dancer combo,

this band probably needs some other members

to maximise the commercial appeal.

Band member three on rap duties, straight out of London, it's Ian.

I'm the man with the master plan so hey, let's get this on. What you say?

Nothing...just yet.

So, Ian, what makes you so smooth and good with your words?

Back in the days I used to be a rapper, involved in a rap group.

Our major claim to fame was we got signed by a record company.

-But we only released one record.

-Oh.

-Doesn't matter. You're still in the band.

-Peace!

Next, on lead vocals, it's Sarah from Liverpool.

She's in an ABBA tribute band.

# Young and sweet Only seventeen... #

Let me guess, hang on. Benny?

Bjorn?

Oh, Bjorn. Definitely.

Yeah. Ha-ha.

-SHE GROWLS

-I don't think she's from Sweden.

And completing the line-up, from Edinburgh, it's Graeme.

# And it's no, nay, never

# No, nay, never, no more

# Will I play Total Wipeout?

# No, never, no more. #

Oh, definitely in.

I christen this band Weird Direction.

What a line-up. We're going to be huge.

Well, prepare yourselves

because Notorious I-A-N is about to rock the mic.

I am the man with the master plan... Start again, start again.

-Let's do it again.

-Give him a chance, it's early days.

So right now I'm feeling really mean,

and I'm ready to go cos I'm just keen. Peace!

Peace.

-Peace.

-Yeah, right, enough of the peace - time for some war.

MUSIC: "Big Poppa" by Notorious B.I.G

Oh, no, that looked nasty!

# I love it when you call me Big Poppa... #

Can I get a rewind?

Now, here's Not Swedish Sarah.

I am the Dancing Queen, and today The Winner Takes It All!

-Woo!

-Off she goes.

# The winner takes it all... #

Ow! At least she's in sync with Ian.

This is good, working together.

OK, time for Graeme McBanjo.

Clever. You see, you can't fall down if you're already sitting, can you?

He's got a funny looking run, hasn't he?

Amanda, don't insult members of my band. Good work, Graeme.

Yes!

Looking good, fella. Onto the second set.

Oh, hope he hasn't hurt his plucking fingers.

No, they're working.

HE SINGS

Notorious I-A-N onto the hurdles.

Check yourself, Ian, but don't wreck yourself.

It's OK, he's all right. He's all right. Second set now.

Yeah. Step, step, step.

Oh, right in the beatbox!

What's the name of the game, Sarah?

-SHE SCREAMS

-It's Sucker Punch.

-Oh.

-Oh, Mamma Mia.

Yep, here we go again.

SONG: "Mamma Mia"

# Mamma Mia, here I go again... #

Sarah to the Big Balls, but which ABBA pun will Amanda utilise next?

-Take a chance!

-Textbook stuff.

# I have a dream... #

Sadly, though, that wasn't.

Banjo man, Big Balls - what a combo.

Go on, Graeme!

Never mind. You can't be brilliant at everything.

# And it's no, nay, never... #

Ah.

# No, nay, never, no more... #

Notorious I-A-N, time for an encore.

Ow! Oh, folded up.

I think he just broke the deck.

As long as he can still spit rhymes and say "Wassup?"

I don't care.

Not Swedish Sarah comes home in three minutes, 39.

And Graeme McBanjo comes in quickest. Well done, everyone.

Take five.

IMITATES BANJO

Where is my banjo, anyway? Has that Richard Harris got it?

Did he just call me Richard Harris? Richard Harris! I am offended.

Plus he actually accused me of stealing his banjo

and that technically is unforgivable. Who are you?

I'm Richard Harris. Have you seen Graeme? I've got his banjo.

Oh... Um... Leaderboard? Yeah.

So, Tom the Viking still sits atop the pile with Graeme McBanjo

and Glenny Glitter in second and third,

Bunny Boy Daniel in fourth and Zookeeper Kirsten in sixth.

Power Ranger Pete falls to eighth place

and Not Swedish Sarah slots into tenth.

Seven contestants still to go. Who's next?

It's Nick from Devon

and he really likes dinosaurs.

What's the dinosaurs business? You look for dinosaur bones?

Professor in dinosaurs, how cool would that be?

That would be really... really cool? I think.

There's nothing wrong with liking dinosaurs.

My favourite's the brontosaurus. I like the neck and...they look nice.

If you could choose one dinosaur, Nick, that you could channel

out there on the qualifier today, what would it be?

I'd probably be a pterodactyl.

-Terror of the skies, I'm going to fly around this course today.

-Great!

Fly, Nick, fly!

PTERODACTYL SOUND EFFECTS

Nick-o-dactyl starts his challenge.

Oh, he'll be dino-sore after that!

Right, Nick-o-dactyl onto the Sucker Punch now.

Oh, right in the Jurassics!

Maybe that's why the dinosaurs became extinct.

# Gonna shoot you right down... #

Nick's got so much mud on him, he's in danger of being fossilised.

Right, here we go.

Oh, amazing slip!

# What's that coming over the hill Is it a monster?

# Is it a monster? #

Nick-o-dactyl versus the Shapeshifter.

That sounds like a monster movie and one I'd definitely watch.

Right, here comes the big jump.

Look at him fly!

He's on. Unbelievable...

He's off. Entirely believable.

And Nick-o-dactyl hoists himself home in two minutes, 12 seconds.

Come on.

This is Liam. I'm not sure where he's from.

He's trying to tell me. Hemel Hempstead? Frome? Aberystwyth?

All right, me babbers? These me daps, mind. Cheers drive!

Yeah, that's Bristol. Definitely Bristol.

Cos in Bristolian, daps means trainers.

Let's hope he doesn't get them wet. Hurdles now. Ploughs over.

Beating those hurdles!

Here we go, yes. Oh...

Ooh, hard landing.

Could Liam be our first ball crosser today?

I've got a feeling he'll do it.

One, two...

Oh, no. No. He's only gone and got his daps wet, hasn't he?

Nevertheless Dapsy Liam completes the qualifier

-in an impressive one minute, 47.

-Woo!

It's time for me to say,

"Zdravo kako si?" to today's next challenger,

this is Maja who's from Bosnia via Worthing,

and that was, "Hello, how are you?" in Bosnian, wasn't it?

SHE SPEAKS BOSNIAN

It says here Maja is a scientist.

Her colleagues call her the Mad Bosnian. I-I...don't know why.

OK, Maja to the Sucker Punch. Oh, sneaky bottom row blow!

Yeah, just a muddy mad scientist now.

The Big Balls now. Here we go...

Oh, ooh, no.

That's an experiment she probably won't forget.

Two minutes, 49, though, let's hope it's enough to qualify.

-Still four contestants to go.

-Yeah!

It's time now for me to say a big hello to a little lady called Lisa

who's married to what we would call on Total Wipeout a legend -

Olympic decathlete Dean Macey,

who smashed a few records around here lately.

-Dean set an all-time record on the qualifier and stormed to victory in the Wipeout zone.

-Get in!

What does Dean think of lovely Lisa's chances?

He thinks I'm going to rip through the course.

-Yeah, baby!

-I think so anyway.

So, if Lisa's married to an Olympian, I guess that makes her...

an Olympian-in-law?

Yeah. The Olympian-in-law begins.

Oh, oh-ya!

I can't remember Dean Macey doing anything that impressive.

Magnificent.

OK, the hurdles. Yes...

Yes, Lisa's across the first lot.

This is amazing, great leg work. Look at this.

Oh, yes!

An action roll at the end! Now for the balls. Come on, Lisa.

Remember what your hubby taught you.

Jump, skip, jump, land.

It's that easy.

OK, here she goes. Ready? Jump,

-skip... Fly?

-SHE SCREAMS

Oh, swim. Yeah.

Look how far she went. And off the second ball too.

Lisa now looking a little drained.

Better out than in. Fair enough. Come on, Lisa, this is a great time.

Onto the trampette.

Amanda's speechless, that's rare.

Lisa waits till everything is lined up.

Come on, girl, do it for the nation. Proud moment.

We are all with you... No.

Oh, never mind.

Still, Lisa's the fastest woman today. Well done.

This is Phil and this is Leo.

They're partners.

Except for today, of course, because here they're rivals.

Phil's been training for months

and Leo's been practising his stare for months.

But now they've travelled to Argentina to find out

which of them is the best.

Now, Phil, you're going to have to help me out here today,

because Leo here was born deaf and my signing skills aren't exactly

what they used to be, I'm afraid.

Leo, how do you rate Phil's chances?

Maybe...

OK, stop that now. Please, don't hurt him before the course starts.

That's not the idea.

At the end of the day, who do you think is going to come out on top?

You?

That means, "Power to deaf people."

Leo's given the signal to start.

Oh, that was a hefty blow. Doesn't seem to have bothered Leo too much.

He's up and onto the pontoons and looking like he means business.

The Hammond Hurdles now. Woo,

awesome work! This is a great start.

-Woo!

-So, has Phil got the skills to thrill?

Leo may be quicker, stronger and faster than me,

but I'm going to wipe him off this course!

You just said he's better in every single way. Good luck.

Good attitude, Phil.

Oh, bad slip, Phil.

Phil has been a fireman for seven years

so he should be in pretty good shape.

Will he cross the Hammond Hurdles as well as Leo?

No. No.

I love these hurdles. They're really entertaining...for us.

Leo now gunning for the Big Balls.

Going at jet speed too. Whoa!

360 degrees slip - rarely seen.

Always good when we do see it, though.

So, an opportunity for Phil to make up some ground here.

One, two...

Oh, fireman down.

Final obstacle for Leo and he's making pretty good time.

Not hanging about, he's onto the triangle. And kind of holding on.

Yeah! Leo beats the Shapeshifter

and finishes in the fastest time today, making him Leo the Leader.

Oh, my God.

He may not be able to match Leo's time,

but can Phil match his magnificent effort?

No. No. Not really!

-Oh, Philly, that was so silly.

-You say silly, I say spectacular.

# I didn't mean to hurt you

# I'm just a jealous guy... #

He took some knocks, but Silly Philly completes the qualifier

-in two minutes, nine seconds.

-Woo!

What a qualifier. Only one contestant left.

Can it get any better?

Yes, it can. This is Sofia.

How do you keep your delicious bod in shape, woman?

A lot of sports, trampolining for 11 years. I've got my own trampoline...

My next question then, Sofia,

do you know how you're going to get to the very end of the qualifier?

Erm, I think I'm just going to bounce my way across.

Yep, check out that springing action.

OK, Sofia, bounce your way across these. Solid landing.

Probably a gravity thing there. OK.

Stepping across. That's good.

Gone for the third... Oh!

Oh, dear, I think she just broke the set.

She broke my Hammond Hurdle!

However, we've started this so we will finish.

It'll be worth it to see this trampolinist in action.

This now is familiar territory.

OK, bounce-ometers at the ready, I'm expecting something great...

-This is her territory now.

-SHE SCREAMS

That...was...rubbish.

Not a single bounce across the course.

-Trampolining a lot, for 11 years.

-I feel so short-changed.

-I think I'm going to bounce my way across.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Non-bouncy Sofia finishes in four minutes, 43,

which sadly bounces her out of the top 12.

I can't believe she broke my hurdle. I spent ages naming that.

The final qualifier leader board sees Leo the Leader at the top,

with Tom and Liam close behind.

Silly Phil is in fifth and Bunny Boy Daniel's in eighth.

Zookeeper Kirsten scrapes through in 12th.

For the other contestants, it's time to see cheerio.

Or, if you will, toodle-pip.

# Oh, I've had the time of my life

# And I never felt this way before

# And I swear, this is true

# And I owe it all to you You, you, you, you, you, you... #

Woo!

SHE SCREAMS

Ssh!

I'm never going to forget those guys.

The...tall one, that girl with the hair,

and was one of them called Bobby or Bobo?

Anyway, with their names etched forever in my heart,

it's time to move on.

Sort of there. It's very easy for me to sit here

and laugh at people falling off things.

No, really, it is. Which is why I'm going to continue doing just that.

It's Double Cross.

As the name suggests, there are two crosses.

The first has four walkways, three green, one red.

The contestants must enter using the green walkway and exit on the red.

The second cross is the annoying one.

If you're too slow, it'll hit you in the legs...head...or bottom.

The first six to get across progress to the Terror-Go-Round.

Qualifying in first and fourth place, it's Leo and Phil.

# That's when she fell for the leader of the pack... #

Leo said that he beat me in the first round

and he's going to beat me in the second! We'll see!

-Come on.

-OK...

-Next up and second on the qualifier, it's Tom the Viking.

-Hammer time!

What happened to the helmet?

Anyway, in third and fourth place, it's Dapsy Liam...

-and Graeme McBanjo.

-We may win and we may lose...

That's not it.

Stick to the banjo, mate. You're good at that.

In sixth place on the qualifier, it's Glenny Glitter.

-Followed by Nick-o-dactyl and Bunny Boy Daniel.

-Woo-hoo!

He really does struggle with his hats, doesn't he? Yeah.

Leading the girls in eighth place, its Olympian-in-law Lisa,

-followed by Vampish Steph.

-Go, fight, win!

-In 11th place, it's Mad Scientist Maja.

-What am I doing here? Argh!

Bit late for instructions.

And clawing her way into the final spot is Zookeeper Kirsten.

I'm used to cleaning up after animals,

and I'm going to clean up on this round.

OK, here we go.

It's turned into a rather soggy day.

Not quite as soggy as this lot are going to get

after Double Cross gets its paws on them.

-Are you all ready?

-ALL: Yeah!

That's what they think. Three, two, one....

FOGHORN

-Oh, no!

-Oh, yes, more like.

Right, who will be first?

Come on, somebody give it to go. It's Dapsy Liam.

Ow, painful!

Leo runs... He's on. He's in the middle!

Leo is a genius.

Glenny Glitter now... No, he's a goner.

Graeme steps on...

and steps straight off again. Tom - no.

-SHE SCREAMS

-Vampish Steph - shocking!

Here's Silly Philly.

That was just silly. Nick-o-dactyl... This is chaos!

Bunny Boy Daniel... straight into the water.

Leo's still alone in the middle, ignoring the madness all around him!

Oh, no, hang on, he's going for it.

-He's... Oh!

-Oh!

So close, but that stumble costs Leo one serious face-plant...

..and I would imagine some front teeth. Graeme McBanjo, swimming.

So's Daniel.

Maja has a go... No.

Glenny Glitter...

Leo's off again. This man just makes it look so easy.

Having to re-position there.

Oh!

Yes, he's on the red gangway. And Leo the Leader is through.

Really is living up to his name.

And with that he's one leap closer to the final.

Five places left.

Silly Philly looks like he wants one.

Yes, he's into the middle.

A bit of encouragement from Leo.

Oh, Graeme takes a blow there.

Clutching onto that sweeper like his precious banjo.

Tom looking ready. He's going to go for it,

but so's Daniel! They're both down!

Phil now, going for it.

And he just missed it.

-Oh...

-Tragedy.

Phil's second attempt and second smack on the head too!

Liam's on the centre now.

Nick-o-dactyl, making a run for it. And joins him in the middle.

They just need to wait for that red gangway.

Graeme...

again pushed out by that sweeper arm.

Oh, Liam goes.

Whoopsi-dapsy.

Looks and sounds like he really didn't want to do that.

HE SCREAMS

That's primal. Basic stuff.

Still, five places left.

Kirsten the zookeeper...

Very good seal impression. Oh, dear.

There's Tom, pillaging his way to the middle. Just needs some room.

But Nick's not budging.

Here comes Phil. That makes three.

All getting very cosy up there.

Someone should probably go now on that red exit ramp.

Here's Bunny Boy Daniel in the mix, this is getting interesting.

And crowded.

Oh, hello, Vampish Steph wants some action.

And she got it.

Looking rather crowded up there now.

And here's Silly Philly again,

-he's moving and he's over!

-Yes!

And reunites with Leo.

MUSIC: "Two Hearts" by Phil Collins

Aw! Joined together in holy Wipeouting.

Who will be next? Tom?

No...

Daniel! He's going to do it, he's going to do it. Oh!

-So close!

-Oh!

-Ow!

-You must be kidding!

No, it really happened.

A new break dancing move from Bunny Boy there.

Broken-dancing more, really.

That's left the way clear for Tom the Viking.

-And he's across.

-Yes!

He joins Leo and Phil in the next round.

Nick still in the middle.

Ooh, but he's been joined now by Dapsy Liam.

He doesn't look very happy about it. Hasn't moved from the middle yet.

Graeme McBanjo tries his luck again, makes it to the middle. Ish.

He really does love clinging to those giant sweepers.

And that's spurred Steph on, who joins the action in the centre.

Not an angle I want to see this from!

Ah, nothing we haven't seen before. A lot of bottoms on seats.

Someone needs to go.

It's Nick-o-dactyl. Yes...

No!

Less flying pterodactyl, more lumbering stegosaurus.

Kirsten running like a lemur.

But it's worked and she's on.

Good to see the girls going for it. Maja's on too.

Vampish Steph...

Graeme McBanjo... So close!

Yes, there's Olympian-in-law Lisa.

They're all waiting for that red gangway.

And here's Bunny Boy Daniel, no break dancing, just running.

He's through!

He does look quite pleased with himself and rightly so.

Only two places left and there's not much room up there.

Glenn making a charge...

And now they're all on. This is incredible.

This is the first time this has happened - they're all on the middle of Double Cross at one time.

It doesn't look too comfortable, really.

So, fighting for the last two places are Maja, Nick-o-dactyl,

Lisa, Dapsy Liam, Graeme McBanjo,

Glenny Glitter, just holding on, Zookeeper Kirsten and Vampish Steph.

All just waiting for the red gangway. Here goes Maja.

And she's made it. Yes! Well done, Maja.

HEROIC MUSIC

So, we have a girl in the next round. She does scream like one.

Definitely a girl. Yeah.

One place left. Must be feeling the pressure. Who will take that last place? Will it be Dapsy Liam?

Oh, no.

No. Who's going to be next?

Nick-o-dactyl taking a chance.

And it's worth it because he is through!

Yeah!

And that is the six Terror-Go-Rounders,

which means Double Cross is all over and it's farewell to the defeated.

I'm really disappointed. I wanted to be the first girl again.

When Maja got through I felt like crying in the middle.

It's sad. I guess this is not my time.

No shazam. No kaboom.

Devastated. Because I knew I could do it.

And yeah, I feel like I've let people down.

I mistimed a few things there. I think Leo's the man at the moment.

He's got the skill and the timing.

I'm really happy that Phil and Leo have got through

and I really hope they do well in the next round.

My outfit helped a lot cos everyone else is freezing in wet clothes

and I've got my swimming costume on already.

Let's look at the stats.

Right, that's the stats looked at.

What shall look at next? A podium. OK.

Well, that's enough looking at things for one day.

Time for the Terror-Go-Round.

That's the Terror-Go-Round. Those are the contestants.

The contestants go round on Terror-Go-Round until they fall off.

This week's projectile theme is lost luggage, so the terror twins

will be hurling excess baggage to distract the contestants.

Three heats - the last contestant standing in each goes through

to the Wipeout Zone.

I've seen some pretty terrifying things in my time,

let me tell you, but this is the most terrifying of them all.

It's Terror-Go-Round.

-Are you ready?

-ALL:

-Yes!

They should be terrified. Three, two, one.

-FOGHORN

-So, before things get started,

let's remind ourselves who's taking on the mighty Terror-Go-Round.

MUSIC: "Holiday" by Dizzee Rascal

-He's a little bit silly.

-Come on!

-It's Silly Philly.

-Hoping to pillage the course...

-I shall prevail!

-..Tom the Viking.

65 million years in the making,

it's Nick-o-dactyl.

Fastest all day, it's all in the name. It's Leo the Leader.

Some say she's crazy. I'd say, er, demented.

SHE SCREAMS

It's Mad Scientist Maja.

And finally, it's the old school B-Boy himself.

-Just really old school.

-Bunny Boy Daniel.

Argh!

I've no idea where today's lost luggage was sourced from.

Maybe it actually belongs to the contestants. Anyway...

Steady there, Daniel.

OK, unleash the baggage!

Case, cardboard box...

my duty-free. The guys are still on their feet, though.

-Oh, right on the bonce!

-Nothing like a suitcase in the face.

Hate it when that happens.

Not as bad as a giant teddy bear, anyway.

OK, time for the Fickle Fingers. Get ready for the chaos.

Oh, oh, oh, my goodness! It's taken five of them down.

I think we have a clear winner.

Leo the Leader. He's done it again.

A great effort. Oh, mind your toe.

Leo hurdled over the Fickle Fingers whilst the others...

Well, they didn't stand a chance.

See? They don't call them the Fickle Fingers for nothing.

Leo the Leader leads the way into the Wipeout Zone.

Heat two.

Leo will be glad he doesn't have to go through all this nonsense again.

Right. Prepare for incoming luggage.

Oh, nasty! They're starting off with the heavy stuff. Ow!

That's just annoying. Ow!

Excess baggage gets Tom.

Such accuracy, right between the shoulder blades. Tricky shot.

But they're all up again.

And here come the Fickle Fingers.

ALARM

Bunny Boy Daniel springs over...ish.

And now they're all dropping again!

Just Phil and Daniel still in this, but Phil's sliding...

Come on. And he's out!

Which means that Daniel is through to the Wipeout Zone and Leo

is devastated for Silly Philly as Daniel nabs that second spot.

But there's still the final heat to go.

It's do or die time. Well, hopefully not the latter.

That's a lot of paperwork.

The only thing worse than Terror-Go-Round?

Is a wet Terror-Go-Round.

There goes the last of my duty-free. I really am going to need a refund.

Auntie Margaret's holdall hits Phil.

The terror twins really are ruthless today.

I can't take it seriously.

You should, because here come the Fickle Fingers.

Maja's down. They all are.

Hang on, Maja's back on her feet

and they're all going through the punch bags.

But it's the last one standing to go through.

Let's take another look at that.

Things got highly chaotic in that final heat.

They were all knocked down. But last on her feet was Mad Scientist Maja.

So, well done, Maja!

She joins Leo and Daniel in the Wipeout Zone.

Commiserations to Nick, Phil and Tom.

Tom the Viking - he came to pillage, but his voyage ends here.

Argh!

Silly Philly was tough, but took one too many beatings.

And Nick-o-dactyl must finally lay his fossils to rest in Argentina.

Hard luck, guys.

All right, I'll give it a quick go.

Wow, what a - Hammond inserts name of game here.

My, didn't - Hammond inserts name of contestant here - do well!

I think the smart money's on...

Hammond inserts name of favourite contestant...

This is just rehearsal, right? You are going to put real words in.

I don't want to look a fool on national television. What?

That's for the next bit? All right. Erm...

Next, it's the Wipeout Zone. When do we do this for real?

Can I have a coffee?

The reason why Leo applied was really because he hasn't seen

many deaf people on TV and he wanted to be the first to try the Wipeout.

Being in the Wipeout Zone, I don't know what to say.

There are only three of us left. How did I get here?

I think it's by pure luck.

When I first got told that I was on the show,

it was a little overwhelming, if I'm honest. But I've got nothing to lose

as far as I'm concerned.

I'm very, very proud...of Leo.

He's done really, really well.

And yeah, you did beat me in everything!

Being the last woman standing, hello!

-My children, they will be so proud.

-She's the underdog in all of this.

I'm so made-up for her to get through.

Dan, he's very determined. He's a little bit clumsy, though.

Leo is amazing. He's cruised through everything.

-He was fastest and obviously the fittest.

-He's very, very nervous.

He's saying that he needed the toilet every ten minutes

-before each game.

-Each round I get further, it's just more happiness,

a better shot at the title.

Until I've been beaten, I don't see any reason not to back myself.

I'm very worried, but at the end of the day,

I was worried about every other course and I managed,

so I'm going to win this. I am. Why not?

Watch me!

If he wins he'll feel very happy.

Looking forward to coming back...

..and win the big final.

SHE SCREAMS Woo!

Brrr, I've got goosebumps.

And not just cos there's a storm brewing

but because we've got an extremely exciting Wipeout Zone.

And Maja is the first to brave it.

Mad Scientist Maja becomes today's first guinea pig.

-Go!

-Here she goes.

So, Maja gets things started

on a wet and stormy night in Buenos Aires.

And that rain means that the obstacles are wetter than usual.

Maja gets to the Rapid Climb. Which is always pretty wet.

She's up, so the ten second tidal wave countdown has begun.

This isn't good, that giant wave is imminent.

-Here it comes.

-Oh, no!

Hang on, Maja, with those Bosnian arms!

Maja is hanging on, but this will slow her down.

Seesaw of Truth. And it is extra slippery tonight.

Maja wisely taking it easy.

Better to be cautious and avoid a slip.

Safely over. So now onto a drenched Crazy Sweeper.

Maja pausing, prepares herself.

Choosing a moment, ducks.

And is up again, not a lot of grip up there in these conditions.

Oh, it's clipped her. But she's up and away,

skipping over the podiums.

Oh, yes, fantastic stuff from Maja. Onto the first turntable now.

Lines herself up for the jump. Here we go.

Oh, no!

Mad Scientist Maja's jumping experiment went all wrong there.

She's going to feel that.

She'll have to heave herself up for the next jump.

Exhausted, looking a bit wobbly. Only one jump to go.

That won't help.

Maja must be getting dizzy now. This is desperate.

Here she goes.

-Oh, no, she's down again.

-Oh, no, she didn't.

She did. Again, well short of her target.

The umbrella-wielding crowd urge Maja back up.

Surely she can't fall again. Yes.

Some amazing determination from Maja.

She made it all the way to the Wipeout Zone

but the stormy weather took its toll on her run time.

But she finished.

-Come on out, my darling. How are you feeling?

-Not so good.

-This was so hard.

-You did that in five minutes and one second.

It's not the worst in the world.

-You sure?

-Daniel's up next. Let's watch.

-Yes.

Can the Bunny Boy hop his way to victory?

-Believe!

-Yes, believe!

But also remember to swim.

So, Maja's time of five minutes, one second is the benchmark for Daniel.

But he doesn't know that, he'll just be going as fast as he can.

Come on, Danny!

Great sportswomanship from Maja there,

and Daniel's charging up the Rapid Climb.

-Woo!

-He's beaten the tidal wave.

So now it's that unusually slippy seesaw.

Dispatched, apparently with ease. No problem for Daniel.

Crazy Sweeper now.

-Kneels under the arm and Daniel is up and off.

-He's storming it!

Stopped, another well-timed duck. Here we go, the podiums now.

Hurry up.

Right, the Turntables.

This is where things started to fall apart for Maja.

But he's on to the first...

And no, he's down!

Come on, Dan!

Bunny Boy Daniel just didn't get the distance.

Direction was a bit off as well.

One final jump left for Daniel.

Yes, one minute, 41 seconds, the Bunny Boy hops into the lead.

He sets the time to beat,

but that fall could be costly with Leo the Leader still to run.

Danny, my B-boy, there was nothing B about that.

-That was pretty A-game where I was standing.

-Why, thank you, Amanda.

Listen, you've been confident that you would smoke that course.

Tell you what, Maja, there is no smoke without fire.

-Cos you were faster.

-Woo!

-I'm sorry, Maja.

And you, young man, yours is now the time to beat

-but Leo, who's pretty fantastic, is up next.

-Still anyone's game.

Let's watch.

Leo the Leader is locked and loaded.

He's doing this for his family and for Phil.

Off Leo sets in his bid for £10,000.

I'm letting you know - I've got a girlfriend, Amanda.

Now, Leo doesn't know Daniel's time so he'll have to give it his best.

And that is exactly what he's doing. No tidal wave danger for Leo.

-That was fast.

-Oh, my God, I blinked and I missed that.

This is going to be a close one,

Leo's on the rain-soaked seesaw now. Again making it look simple.

Steps off and approaches the Crazy Sweeper. Here we go.

Oh, no, disaster!

-Oh, no, he did not just do that!

-Again, he did, yes.

Leo got nudged and that tipped him into the extra wet stuff.

Oh, that's going to hurt. All is not lost.

Remember, Daniel made one mistake so if Leo comes up

with a flawless finish now, he is still in with a shot.

Now, first jump. Success.

Can't afford any mistakes now.

And is now the tricky one. Big run up. Yes!

First one to make that today. Next jump.

Yes! Yes, is he on? Yes.

This is going to the wire now. Nearly there.

No.... No!

That is heartbreaking.

Having jumped back into contention,

that fall has just cost Leo the competition.

Leo hauls himself up the ladder.

Let's see if he can get it right this time.

He does. But 2:03 is not enough to topple Bunny Boy Daniel.

Still, what a finish!

Poor Leo, he's been the leader throughout

but those unfortunate slips went and cost him the title.

Oh, my goodness. Leo, you have been unbeatable all day.

You were fastest on the qualifier, you were first on Double Cross.

You were first on Terror-Go-Round.

But you weren't fast enough to beat the B-boy,

because you, Daniel, are the Total Wipeout champion.

CHEERING

And so today's champion is photographer/B-boy Daniel from Liverpool.

He walks away with that trophy and £10,000.

However, he also walks away without his bunny hat.

But no fear - I have made him a replacement hat.

Don't worry. I'll pop it in the post. When I finished with it.

Until then, from Amanda and me, it's goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd