Episode 7 Total Wipeout

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Hello and welcome to Total Wipeout.

Now, we've passed the midpoint of this series,

so I think it's time to acknowledge all those talented people

who make this show possible.

For a start, there's the guy who operates the, uh...

-that...camera! It's... Is it Justin?

-Laura.

Laura. And there's, well...

Basically, that's it. But back to the show,

and let's take a look at what tonight's contestants

-are about to face. I'm so excited, and so is Justin.

-Laura!

-Laura.

The Qualifier, where few have ever gone before.

Double Cross. Even fewer have gone here.

Terror-Go-Round, where, like, one person has gone.

And the Wipeout Zone. No-one has ever made it this far.

I'd like to correct a tiny factual inaccuracy

in the previous segment there.

Some people have been to the Wipeout Zone.

That's how every week someone wins £10,000.

I wholeheartedly apologise for any confusion caused.

It's just sometimes, well, a lot of times, on this show,

things do go wrong.

Which is of little comfort to tonight's first contestant,

who's with Amanda. Good luck.

Hello. Things have got an awful lot more glamorous here at the top of the qualifier,

and that's because I have been joined by the fabulous Howie

from Swindon.

Or should that be Schwing-don. Hi, Howie.

Hi, Amanda, how are you?

I'm really good. How-ie would you describe yourself?

Flamboyant, gregarious, loyal, creative,

and a walking piece of art.

Now, Howie, let's talk about appropriate clothing.

Total Wipeout equals sporty and adventurous.

Does that reflect in what you're wearing here today?

I'd say so, wouldn't you?

Look, feathers to fly me around the course.

This walking piece of art is about to redecorate this course.

Oh, my lord.

Right-o, so, this is 39-year-old account manager Howie.

The walking piece of art is about to come face to face

with our latest installation.

The Doorstep Challenge is back.

Three doors, two armed hammers. Pick the wrong door...

DOORBELL

Come in!

And you get hammered.

Like that.

And that.

And another.

Yep, kind of like that.

So, Howie's first to attempt the Doorstep Challenge.

He's gone for number two.

No! Hammer!

Mind you, good hammer-dodging, look.

Still hits the mud, though.

The clock is ticking, and only the fastest 12 contestants

qualify for the next round.

Next it is the Sucker Punch.

Artist, meet painter... And puncher.

OK, here we go.

Yep, there's the paint.

And there's the punch.

Still, that's no way to treat a priceless piece of art,

really, is it?

He was a walking piece of art. Now he's a sight for sore eyes.

Priceless Howie steaming towards the Big Balls.

Now, he's been preparing for Total Wipeout

by joining a street dance group. Here we go, one, two, no!

No. No.

It's not going to get any better.

No. Just no, no, no, no, no.

So, it's a swim and a climb to the last obstacle.

The Shape Shifter with a swinging block.

Howie's the first new kid on it.

Now, the aim is to jump through one of the cut-outs

and onto the finish podium.

Here we go.

Yes, that's probably good. No, that's not.

I do not believe how he did that.

Oh, Howie, I see, yeah.

Thing is, he fell in the water.

Priceless Howie reaches the finish

-in a, frankly, brilliant two minutes

-Oh!

Beauty and glamour lost.

I'll tell you what. You have just been the centre of attention

for the last couple of minutes.

That was a fantastic run, from where I was standing.

-Good to hear it.

-Did you enjoy it?

I did enjoy it but that is far more exhausting

than I thought it would be.

-Well, you wouldn't be the first to say that, Howie.

-I'm sure.

Go get your breath back and we'll see you later.

Thank you. No kiss?

Next to try her luck, sorry skill, is 22-year-old Sarah from Devon.

She's an insurance adviser.

Maybe she should have advised herself against doing this.

Do all your friends and family have a cheeky little bet on you

-to win here today? I'm reckoning they do.

-Yeah.

I've got a bet on with my brother-in-law.

If I can make it through the qualifier

to the second round, he's going to give me some money.

-So, I was like, "Oh."

-How much?

-£100, I think.

Anyway, off she goes.

Maybe that hundred pounds will cover her excess.

Oh, no. Careful.

OK, gravity doing all the work, so far.

And doing it well.

Right, she's up and heading for the Doorstep Challenge.

Door three - my favourite.

Ah-ha! Oh! Ah!

Yes. That's the wrong door. Clearly.

-She actually hung on.

-That's it, Sarah!

No insurance claim on the horizon yet. The Sucker Punch now.

Come on, Sarah.

Here we go. She's on. Oh, no.

She was on. She did get on it.

Nice bit of stationary front crawl for you swim fans.

She's not moving.

Not going anywhere at all.

Now, Sarah's pace has slowed somewhat here.

Oh, no. Don't stay too long.

Ooh! She was demotivated but she's still on.

Come on, Sarah, hold on.

Grab hold. OK.

You can get out of this. You can save it. No. Not now.

Clearly hasn't read the small print.

Her policy doesn't cover her for ball burn.

Just the Shape Shifter to go.

Sarah's not going to beat Howie's two minutes. Oh, she's fallen off.

Sarah Direct reaches the end in five minutes 48 which by no means

'insures' her a place in the next round.

Yeah!

Sarah, do you know what? Not in the history of wipeout

have I ever hugged anyone, but give me a hug.

I've got Sarah's claim form here. Rubber burn, muddy hair,

water up the nose. Yeah, all seems to be in order.

I shall award for the maximum payout of 13 pence.

Minus postage. So, she actually owes me 33 pence.

You know what? I'll let her off.

So, who's next?

This is Mike. And he is the tallest Welshman in the world ever.

It says so here, so it's true.

Look, he is as tall as pictures of tall stuff.

Michael, I've got to say, there is no subtle way of saying this,

but you are a big unit. How big are you?

6 ft 6. 20 stone. And a half of muscle.

You've seen the rest, now watch the best.

This is the big man from Morecambe.

I'm not going to use my machinery.

I'm going to smash in this course to pieces myself.

I am genuinely concerned that this flimsy qualifier course

might not be able to take Massive Mike.

Time for tiny doors and normal sized hammers.

Who's going to win?

Door One he's going in and he pulled the handle off. I saw him.

And he barely moves. This guy is incredible. On to the sucker punch.

Oh! I didn't expect that.

Massive Mike on the Shape Shifter. Oh, I think he's broken it.

No, it's all right, it's still working.

Now, Mike is so big he'll probably only fit through the square hole.

I think he's having big fun on this.

And the party's just begun... Oh!

Party over.

Picked the wrong moment. Really the wrong, wrong moment.

It probably takes a long time for signals from that brain

to reach the limbs.

Despite that massive error, Massive Mike reaches the finish in 3:08.

Not bad.

If Total Wipeout was giving awards for the biggest splash,

I would be number one.

And I would be bringing home the money.

Next to go, this is 23-year-old

Oxford PhD psychology student Helene.

Prepare for some intelligence... This should be new round here.

I'm cracky psychy Helene

and I'm going to use my brains, my brawn and my booty

to conquer this course.

Brilliant. Off goes Helene.

Not sure where the whole booty thing comes into it.

Oh, no. Freudian slip.

Right, Helene is very clever so I'm sure she'll pick the right door.

She's going for number three.

No. It's the wrong door.

SHE SCREAMS

An intelligent scream. I'm sure you can tell it's a calibre above.

Now, using cognitive analysis, can Helene cross the Sucker Punch?

No, she just fell off.

Air punch to the face, she was in the mud.

Helene's massive brain hasn't helped her yet. Maybe it will here.

Oh, yes, this is good.

OK. Balancing, making her move.

Onto three. This just feels so good.

Oh, no, no. Hang tight, hang tight.

She's going to do it, she's going to do it.

Come on, Helene. Brains against... well, big red balls. She's four.

Oh, oh!

You can do it, you can do it, you can do it.

Yes! She's done it!

Helene joins an elite Oxford-educated

PhD psychology ball-crossers club. What a club that is!

And Helene rounds off an excellent Qualifier

with a really rather good 2:38.

This is Tony from Reading and he uses the weather to predict

all your energy needs.

Look, he's forecast that the sun's out.

-BIRD CAWS AND PLOPS

-Yes, he didn't predict that, did he?

I put all the variables into my computer before I came out.

-Two minutes 57.

-Really?

-Yes, although it has been wrong before.

So...we'll see.

I'm a forecaster and I predict there's no way that course

can stop these crazy legs!

So, Tony has forecasted 2 minutes 57.

I forecast his forecast will be...well, wrong.

Oh, he's hit a damp patch there.

Now, will Tony predict which door to run through?

He should be brilliant at this. It's number three.

No, no, it's not.

He predicted it wrong. Yeah. Cold front set in.

I forecast bruising and pain for the next two weeks.

Yeah, I forecast more weather puns.

I just can't help myself. Watch this.

He can't afford to RAIN it in now.

But what a bright spell he's enjoying.

Come on, Tony.

All hail Tony's impressive efforts on the Sucker Punch.

Dashing for the balls now.

Off he goes. One, two, three. Oh, my word.

-Hang tight, hang tight.

-Oh, come on, Tony.

This... Number four.

Yes. Oh, no!

Outlook, not so good.

Onto the Shape Shifter now.

Tony predicting when to jump. He should be good at this.

No. Bad prediction.

Tony reaches the end in 2:21. Which is not even close to his prediction.

I'll bank my forecast. 2:57.

Next he'll say there's no hurricane on the way.

WIND BLOWS

You see? I'm going to need another insurance form.

I'm joined now at the top of the Qualifier

by the very eager student Freya from North Berwick.

Freya, very eager. How are you doing?

I'm very eager. Good, thank you.

Now, Freya, students are well renowned

for being experts in beer drinking,

pizza eating and watching daytime TV.

Yeah, can I stop you there, Amanda? Freya's is no ordinary student.

She's a lifeboat crew member and a nightclub bouncer.

So will she make it down the slope?

Not in those shoes, mate, not a chance.

She's approaching the door. I wonder if her name is on the list.

Ha, no it wasn't.

'You're not coming in. You're not coming in.

'You're not coming in.'

Right, Freya approaching the Sucker Punch.

All that bouncering will help her here, I'm sure.

Yes, it is, you see. Dealing with...

No, didn't help. Didn't help at all.

The Shape Shifter now and Freya is looking really quick. Come on!

No, lifeboat for Freya.

So Freya's Not Coming In has let herself into the leaderboard

in 1:57. Speaking of which,

Freya takes the top spot

with Priceless Howie and All Hail Tony close behind.

The Oxford Psychology Ball Crosser Club Chairwoman Helene is in 4th.

While Massive Mike and Sarah Direct linger at the bottom.

This is 27-year-old Jolene,

a care home manager and fitness instructor from Margate.

Jolene is really hard, likes boxing and has no time for girlie stuff.

And this is 18-year-old student Becky,

who loves Barbie, beauty pageants and smiling.

That's nice.

-Is that all right?

-Perfect.

-Can you show me yours?

That's brilliant. Hang on, let me have a go again.

-Is that good?

-Yeah. Yeah.

Newham born, Margate bred, Total Wipeout, you are dead!

Scary.

Now, Becky, yes, I feel safe again.

So who is faster, girlie Becky or non-girlie Jolene?

She's so delicate and...and doll-like.

She runs like a penguin.

So Becky Doll heading for the Doorstep.

Oh, no! Oh, that just seems wrong.

But funny. She's still smiling, which is good.

Non-girlie tough lass Jolene to the Doorstep now.

Number three.

Ooh, yeah! OH, she's hanging on, though. Wow.

This woman is tough.

Becky Doll to the Sucker Punch.

Oh, please don't hurt her.

Oh, it hurt her.

It did.

Non-girlie Jolene takes on the big balls.

# Jolene, Jolene, Jolene! #

-Uh-uh.

-Oh. That was...terrible.

Not Jolene, Amanda's singing. It's horrific.

So Jolene, Jolene, Jolene reaches the end in a respectable 3:04.

Oh!

But what's this? Becky is also looking very quick.

Oh, she's in the round one. Look.

Hold on, Becky.

You'll be all right, Princess.

She might make this.

She might just do it.

Yes. Yes...

Yes! Oh, well, you see, it's a thing of grace and beauty.

And in a fairytale ending,

Becky has beaten Jolene by ten seconds.

Girlie wins.

That was the most horrible thing I've ever done in my life.

This yellow 19-year-old is Irish gymnast Conor from Derry.

As a gymnast, he's tough.

He's bendy.

He's got great balance.

HE SCREAMS

And he screams like a girl. I'm just going to put some earplugs in.

-HE SCREAMS

-I can't hear him now.

But he did avoid that hammer, look.

So will his gymnastics experience help on the big balls?

Whoa! Height!

-HE SCREAMS

-Is it him making that noise?

It is. Right, why?

I'm just going to put some pillows over my earplugs now.

HE SCREAMS

The mouth's open, but I can't hear the noise. Good.

Shape Shifter, please make it stop. I can't deal with the screaming.

OH, yeah. I can safely say there will be no more screaming.

He's made it in the fastest time so far today.

HE SCREAMS

No, I'm going to put ear defenders over the pillows

over the earplugs.

Richard, you're on.

Richard!

Just signal to me when I'm on.

This is 27-year-old aerobics instructor

and former can-can dancer, Vikki.

If anyone can can-can, then Vikki can can-can.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Yes, I can-can!

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, irrelevant, but nice.

Vikki teaches aqua-aerobics

body combat and zumba.

Whatever that is.

Her legs are so long half of those gloves are going to miss her.

She can see over the top of the Sucker Punch wall.

That's never happened. So far, so good.

Oh, hang on, Vikki!

This is good.

Chatting to the wall. New tactic.

And it works. She's made it!

Now, for the big balls.

One... Two... Ooh.

Weird frog move, and in.

Maybe that's what zumba is. Maybe she's doing it now. I don't know.

If anyone can make it through the Shape Shifter,

Can-Can Vikki can can-can...can.

And the big finale...

Hang tight!

On the square.

Coming round. Come on, Vikki.

Here we go.

Wow. She really can-can. Can-Can Vikki Can completes the course

in 2:10.

This is Ann-Marie from Leicestershire

And she's a part-time tribute singer.

I wonder who it is. I hope it's Elvis.

Yeah, it's going to be Elvis, isn't it?

We don't need another hero on Total Wipeout, we need a winner.

Are you going to find it "river too deep, mountain too high"?

I'm here for a bit of fun.

If I can get through the Qualifier, I'll be over the moon.

-I'm hope you are simply the best, Ann-Marie. Good luck.

-Thank you.

# I'm simply the best! #

Nah, Elvis didn't... Did he do that? I'm still not getting it.

# Better than anyone... # KLAXONS

Is it the klaxons?

# I'm simply the best. #

She's away.

That was Elvis, wasn't it?

(MIMICS ELVIS) "Oh-ho-ho!" That was Elvis.

Right, Mystery Tribute Anne-Marie weighs up the Sucker Punch.

Here we go.

Oh, no.

Seriously, anyone give me a clue to who she's a tribute act for?

Never mind. Let's get on with it. Here we go. One...

Oh, no.

-Yeah, that was simply not the best.

-No, it wasn't.

Anyway, Shape Shifter.

Ann-Marie leaps...kind of.

And doesn't get anywhere near the shapes.

It just didn't work at all.

Is it Cliff Richard? No.

Ann-Marie finishes in 6:57.

But the mystery identify of her tribute act

will probably never be solved. Lionel Richie?

This is Eljay. He's 39 and from London.

This is Eljay's brother Mark. He's 27 and also from London.

It's sibling rivalry, Wipeout style.

Big bro versus little bro.

You both know that, unfortunately,

we can't have two Total Wipeout champions.

There can be only one winner,

so which brother is going to be the winning brother? Eljay?

I'd like to be the winner but I'm happy for him to take my place.

-Aw.

-I'm not going to say the same. I will be the winner.

And...good luck, bro. Good luck.

I'm number-one son and I'm not leaving till I get the job done!

Pwhoar!

Bro, you may think you're Mum's number-one son,

but I'm going to wipe the floor with you and Total Wipeout!

Whoo!

It's not about prize money or trophies,

this is all about being Mum's favourite.

Big bro Eljay is at the Doorstep Challenge now.

Here we go. Number three.

Oh, lightning reactions. His mum will be proud.

Little bro Mark now. At the Sucker Punch. Skipping along nicely.

Oh, that won't make your mum happy - getting your trainers all muddy.

She'll be furious.

Right, Eljay to the balls. Can he make his mum proud?

OH. No.

Probably made her laugh, though. Made me laugh.

There he is, Mum, doing his best.

Big Bro Eljay onto the final obstacle, then.

OH, beautifully timed.

He's having a little sit-down in the square.

OK, here we go. Time to... Oh, no.

Now?

Now?

Oh, dear. Looks like he's in there for another spin cycle.

On your feet, man!

So, over to Little Bro Mark.

Easily onto the block.

Oh, and easily into the water with a sore nose.

But Little Bro Mark clocks in with a leaderboard-topping time of 1:34.

Come on!

Back to Eljay relaxing on the Shape Shifter.

Oh, no.

And sadly for Eljay, with a time of 3:09,

he has lost the battle of the bros.

So, Mum and Dad, round one goes to him.

He's the champion from round one.

More to come.

Told you, Mum and Dad, I'd do it for you guys.

Well done, bro.

So Little Bro Mark has rocketed to the top of the table

followed by Derry Derry Loud Conor and Freya's Not Coming In.

Priceless Howie is in 4th.

Oxford Psychology Ball-Crosser Club Chairwoman Helene is 7th.

But with seven contestants still to go,

Mike, Big Bro Eljay and Sarah Direct are looking slightly precarious.

Blackpool is famous for its bright lights, ballroom dancing, donkeys

and now, Andy.

-What was that?

-Well, that is 28-year-old Debi,

a trainee beauty therapist from Manchester.

And this is 26-year-old bingo-hall manager Chris,

also from Manchester.

And finally, from Wigan 31-year-old administrator, Gillian.

So who will win this titanic clash of the north-west?

Where's north from here?

Oops. Pleasure Beach Andy goes for a little ride.

Making it look more like hard work than pleasure at the moment.

He goes for door three.

No, certainly not pleasurable.

Right, here's Gillian now doing it for Wigan.

I'm sure Wigan is grateful.

No, no. That's just...

..well, out, really. She got battered.

Nevertheless, she made it.

-Oh, my God.

-Now to the Sucker Punch.

Oh. Oh, that's going to hurt.

Now for the balls. Here we go.

Yes. That's a good...

I hope Gillian doesn't get hurt again.

No! Oh!

So battered Gillian reaches the finish in 3:46.

SHE CHEERS

Why did everything hit me?

OK, eyes down. Here's bingo man Chris.

Which door will he pick? Should be good at this.

Oh, one little duck. Number 2.

Mistake!

Yeah, that was one big duck.

Get it to him in the face.

Right, here's Debi And Her Massive Knickers at the Sucker Punch.

Which beauty treatment will she receive?

Fake tan. And a massive punch.

Weird beauty treatment.

Here's Chris at the balls.

Here we go. One, two...

Oh. Another duck. He's heading for a full house at this rate.

Here's Pleasure Beach Andy. Good time he had so far.

No...

That was ridiculous.

Despite that lack of timing,

Andy reaches the end of the pier in a rather good 2:31.

But here's Chris, who might just be winning the north-west off.

Oh, yes. No..

That was so close.

HE SIGHS

But after that near miss, Full House Chris reaches the end

in a very good 1:58.

Just Debi to go, and she hasn't beaten Chris...

..but she is on the wheel.

-OK, come on, Debi.

-Hang tight, Debi.

Yes. The final moment of glory might be yours

Come on.

Yes, she's made it!

Chris might have won the north-west off,

but Debi is the only north-westerner

to make the Shape Shifter. Classy.

Yeah. Over to Chris for some victorious words.

One little duck quacking in the water.

Now he's just talking bingo. Right, who's next?

Now, this is William. He went to Eton.

He's just graduated from Oxford.

He, in fact, is posh. Maybe he's got a servant to run the course for him.

I don't want to be stereotyped as a posh eccentric.

I want to prove that I can mix it up with anyone

and show that, yeah, I think I can take this course down.

Oops, I think I might have stereotyped him. Sorry.

I may be posh, but I'm not toff!

Yes, that's street, that is, going on there.

Right, Non-Toff William to the Doorstep Challenge.

He swerved it.

And he's looking quick.

Just like a normal person, not posh. Onto the Sucker Punch now.

This is good, actually. He is flying, in fact.

-Yes.

-Yes!

And he's made it.

Straight to the balls. If he carries on being this good,

I'm just going to call him a toff again.

Yes. Oh, my word!

Oh good Lord!

What...

He's made it. This guy is unstoppable.

Come on, William.

OH, this is something else.

-Unbelievable. William has made it.

-Yeah!

Wow, Non-Toff William from Hampshire

has crossed the big red balls

and he's got the fastest Qualifier time all series.

Only celebrities have run it quicker

and their course is easier so they don't count.

He is the civilian record holder and he is amazing!

I love him and I want to be him!

William, when I grow up, I want to be you.

Thank you very much.

-How are you feeling?

-Hugely surprised. I wasn't expecting that.

You know, actually, now I've calmed down,

I think I went a bit overboard

when I was saying all that stuff about William being amazing,

about loving him and about wanting to be him.

Cos I'm a grown man, grown man who's on the telly.

I'm way too cool to hero-worship anyone.

And this tweed jacket and cap, I've had them for ages.

I'm always just wearing them.

So let's just not make a big deal out of it, OK?

It's my choice.

Just two runs left and this is 31-year-old Beata.

Originally from Poland she's now a butcher from Norwich.

I'm Beata the butcher and I'm going to slice this up!

OK. Right, so the Butcher of Norwich

is charging towards the Doorstep Challenge.

Straight out of the water.

Looking very much in control.

Here we go.

Number one. OH, no. That will have... What is it?

tenderised her? Yeah, it will have done.

Out of the water and now for the balls.

Or, as butchers call them, sweetmeats.

Here we go. Oh.

Oh, dear.

A brief swim and now Beata must face the giant salami slicer

that is the Shape Shifter.

Here we go. Oh!

Beata timed that all wrong... and then a bit more wrong.

And so the Butcher of Norwich

sneaks into that all-important 12th place

with a time of 2:41.

But there is still one contestant to go.

Dan.

I'm here at the top of the Qualifier with Dan from Windsor

who's an English Literature student.

Dan, have you made up prose about this experience?

I tried really hard, but nothing rhymes with Wipeout.

Shmipeout.

You're better at this than me.

Remember, kids, good grammar saves lives.

Ain't' that the truth! Yeah.

And off done go Grammar Man Dan.

So sorry about that. He won't like that.

Let's see if grammar can save him from getting a hammer in a the face.

I bet he's really fussy about apostrophes.

A-ha! Clever Dan's using grammar rays to repel the giant hammer.

Oh.

It kind of worked, though. No mud bath for Dan.

The 20-year-old student approaches the Sucker Punch.

Grammar Man Dan is edging along. Oh, yes.

Well dodged. Yes.

Oh, no, punched right in the present tense.

That could OF cost him vital seconds.

Yeah, I said "of".

Nothing at all grammatically correct about that.

Dan to the big red full stops. Here he goes.

Ooh. Oh. Oh...

I haven't got a word for that. No, I have, I have. "Wet."

Grammar Man Dan to the Shape Shifter now.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, YES, I think

is the grammatically correct way to say that.

Could he make the final 12?

If he can do this quicker than 2:41, he will. Come on, Dan.

Oh, oh, no!

He's in. And he's out.

This is so close now.

Come on. Nearly.

Oh, yes, Dan has done it by one second!

Incredible. Time for an eloquent exit.

-I don't know...

-A man of so many words. Go that way, darling.

Bye!

Final leaderboard time

and Non-Toff record-breaker William sits at the top

with Little Bro Mark and Derry Derry Loud Conor in 2nd and 3rd.

Freya's Not Coming In is in 4th.

Pleasure Beach Andy is in 9th

and late edition Grammar Man Dan sneaks in to complete the top 12.

And so all good things must come to an end.

You know, things like sherbet dips. They come to an end.

As do bank holidays, Police Academy films

and dreams about talking ducks.

They all end.

But fortunately for today's losing eight contestants,

all bad things must also come to an end

and their hellish ordeal is finally over.

I say, "finally over."

Let's be honest, it had barely started, really.

So this is Double Cross. The contestants line up over there.

And the aim is to cross to the other side

without falling over or being flung off.

It's a run to the centre along any of the green walkways.

But they can only exit on the red one.

If you're red-green colour-blind,

you've no chance of being one of the qualifiers.

Time to meet today's lucky Double Crossers.

First in the Qualifier and all-time record-breaker, Non-Toff Will.

This record-breaker is going all the way.

Then it's Little Bro Mark and Derry Derry Loud Conor.

Then 4th to qualify, it's Freya.

Full House Chris.

And Howie.

I'm hedging my bets. I'm doing it for the men and the girls.

OK. Then there's Can-Can Vikki.

All Hail Tony.

And Pleasure Beach Andy.

This wonky donkey is heading for the finish line! Eeyore!

Er, good, probably. Then there's Debi And Her Massive Knickers.

Helene.

And finally, Dan The Grammar Man.

You've seen the best. Now watch me fall in.

Beautifully punctuated.

Double, double, toil and faceplant.

That Shakespeare really knew his stuff. So poetic.

It's Double Cross.

-Are you all ready?

-ALL: Yes!

Three, two, one.

So, as the game starts, there's only three ways to the middle,

one way to the finish and only six places in the next round.

Who's going to be first?

Oh, no, it's two of them.

Howie and Helene need to work on their cooperation and coordination.

That didn't work.

Oh, there's William. And Debi. She's in as well.

There's Little Bro Mark.

No, false start completely.

Pleasure Beach Andy poised like a gazelle.

dropping like a donkey.

Chris, he's loving every moment. I don't know why.

Oh!

I think the excitement got to him and he forgot to move his legs.

Right, here's Tony.

No!

That looked simply horrific.

Here's Mark. Oh, yes.

Mark's made it to the middle. Good work.

Come on, Big Brother is watching you!

He's just got to wait for that red arm to come around now.

Who's that? Chris has joined Mark.

Andy there launching another failed attempt.

And William now...

joining the party in the middle.

Getting very busy in there.

There's Freya.

Some kind of party in the middle that I don't know about?

Oh, Amanda feels all left out.

There comes the red arm. This is it.

Oh, there goes Mark.

Bad luck.

Looks like his leg's seized up.

It's a long swim back to the start for Mark now.

Is Chris going for it?

Oh, no. No!

Ow, ouch!

Desperation there.

Just Freya and Will left in the middle.

Here comes that red arm.

Go on, Will, now's your time.

No...

He hesitated.

Good tactic to shorten his swim back, though. That worked.

Just Freya now.

Come on, Freya.

Here you go. Oh, no.

Party in the middle is well and truly over.

Here's Will back in the middle. There's no stopping this guy.

Oh, no, come on, somebody's got to make this soon.

Right, there's Howie. Yes, no.

Mark skips to the centre.

Come on, go, go, go!

Oh, Conor! OH, that didn't end well.

Ow. No, it really didn't.

Getting busy in the centre again.

There's Will.

Yes! No! So close.

It's going to be getting dark soon.

I've got stuff to do. Don't know about you.

Er, come on.

There's barely room to move in the middle.

And Vikki is off.

Really off.

The queuing system os causing serious problems.

I haven't seem this happen before. Will, again.

Oh, yes, yes! Chris has made it at last.

He reserves his place in the next round.

And now what's this? The north-west is storming ahead.

Pleasure Beach Andy has made it. I wasn't expecting that.

-Who'd have thunk it!

-He does look quite happy.

That could just be wind, indigestion maybe. No, he's happy.

OK, Little Bro Mark.

He's off. No, no!

And here's... That's Freya.

She makes it look effortless as well.

Nobody does it and then everyone does it.

-I just don't know when.

-Now, Dan, now.

Here's Conor. Come on, Conor.

OH, no.

-HE SCREAMS

-That was a screamer.

Here's William, who's made many unsuccessful attempts today,

but he just keeps trying.

Come on, William. Getting on with it.

Oh, yes, it finally paid off.

Non-Toff William has made it through.

Two to go.

Here's Conor.

Yes, he's through.

Which means one place remains in the next round.

If you're going do it, do it now.

Will it be...Helene

Dan...

Tony...Mark...

Vikki, Debi or Howie?

Oh, this is tense.

And it's Howie. He's made it!

And that, my friends, is what we call our final six.

So Howie passes by to join Will, Freya, Conor, Chris and Mark

in the next round.

So with Double Cross done and dusted, it is unfortunately

time to say goodbye to the losers.

As a wise man once said,

"With Double Cross done and dusted, it is unfortunately

"time to say goodbye to the losers."

Here's my interpretation of the wise man's words.

Now the Double Cross is all done and dusted,

it's very much time, and unfortunately so,

to say goodbye to the losers.

So wise.

I tried. I got squashed but hey.

I got to the middle.

I twisted my ankle a bit

and it knocked my confidence.

I didn't have it in me any more to really go for it.

I didn't make it. But at least I got further than my big bro,

and that's the main thing.

It wasn't to be. The other guys deserve it.

So fair play.

I basically headbutted the water.

I was showing the water who's boss. That's my excuse.

I'm so mad at myself. It was a can't-can't today, not a can-can.

I'd love to see Andy and Howie go all the way.

I'd love to see Will win.

Go on, Toff.

If I had to see someone who I'd like to win, I'd go with Andy

doing it for the oldies.

HE YELLS

The rules of Terror-Go-Round

discovered only through a long and painful period of trial and error

would appear to be thus...

All the contestants jog on the spot

as the giant turntable turns beneath them.

They have to dodge the beach paraphernalia

tossed their way by the Terror Twins

whilst hurdling the counter-rotating fickle Fingers Of Fate.

There are three heats and each time the last contestant standing

goes through to the Wipeout Zone.

I've a funny feeling something really bad is about too happen.

But that's good news for all of us. It's Terror-Go-Round.

Are you all ready?

ALL: Yes!

Terrifying. Three, two, one...

A quick remainder of today's Go-Rounders.

He's the series record holder and he's not a toff.

I want to prove that I can mix it up with anyone.

It's Non-Toff William.

He surprised everyone all day, not least himself,

it's Pleasure Beach Andy.

He's from Derry and he's very loud.

HE SCREAMS

It's Derry Derry Loud Conor.

Then it's the fastest lifeboat-crew bouncer ever.

'You're not coming in.'

Freya's Not Coming In.

Flying high with his bingo wings...

..it's Full House Chris.

And finally he's a walking piece of art...

HE SHOUTS

..it can only be Priceless Howie.

OK, off goes heat one.

The last person standing

will reserve their place in today's Wipeout Zone.

Here come the inflatables.

Nothing funnier than a rubber dinghy in the face.

I agree.

They're all getting a pelting.

Howie opting for extra protection there.

Good idea.

That ring spells trouble. I know it.

Yeah, Andy's the lucky recipient.

And finally there go the fingers. And there goes Conor!

Hanging on for dear life, but that's futile. He is out.

Oh, Freya is off.

Oh, that's Andy. He's going for a ride.

-Whee!

-Ha-ha.

Look at that. A thing of beauty.

A little wave. And Andy's gone.

Just Chris, William and Howie left on.

Oh...

Oh, no. Oh, no.

They're all down.

And Howie's gone.

Chris and Will are up.

But no, Chris is out.

That means Non-Toff William is the first contestant

to reach today's Wipeout Zone.

It's heat two, and Conor, Chris, Freya, Andy and Howie

are left to battle it out for the last two places.

Bring on those frightening inflatables.

Howie holding onto his helmet for dear life.

Oh, no, Andy's been nailed by a flannel. Dangerous(!)

And the fingers are off.

Ooh, Freya's down.

Great recovery, though.

Oh, no, she's down and out this time.

Very out. Poor Freya.

She's only got one more chance at this now.

if she's to make the final.

Ooh, and that's Howie down... And up again.

Oh, and down again.

Come on.

Oh, in the face!

That looked nasty.

Just Andy, Conor and Chris left.

They all make it over.

Oh, no. That's Conor. And Andy's down.

So Full House Chris has bagged his spot in the Wipeout Zone.

An unfortunate synchronised fall from Conor and Andy

means that time is running out for them now,

but Chris's faultless performance brings him within touching distance

of that £10,000 prize.

OK, this is heat three

and it's all or nothing for Andy, Conor, Freya and Howie.

It's those menacing flannels and terrifying inflatables.

Nasty.

Oh, Freya takes a ring to the noggin.

CONOR SCREAMS

Oh, Conor's been flannelled and he's screaming again.

Right, this is now very serious-ish.

One of these four is going through to today's final.

Andy and Howie stumble...

Ooh-hoo! Andy and Conor down. Good recovery from Conor.

Oh, no, that's Andy gone.

But what's this?

I've never seen anyone so happy to lose.

One of these three is going through to the Wipeout Zone.

Oh, Howie and Conor down.

But they're up again.

Oh, Howie is out.

Oh, and so is Conor.

Freya doesn't know she's won. But she does now.

Poor Conor just fell at the last hurdle.

But Freya's Not Coming In is coming in

to today's Wipeout Zone. What a performance.

So a small pause to say goodbye to the three fallen heroes.

Priceless Howie, who's been priceless all day.

Derry Derry Loud Conor put in the loudest performance

I've heard for some time.

And Pleasure Beach Andy.

Well, he's had a lovely day out.

We've had some good times today, haven't we?

Do you remember when Freya got through he Terror-Go-Round?

It was great, wasn't it?

What about the time Chris got through the Terror-Go-Round?

Ah, the memories! Happy days.

But then it all changed.

Back then we used to laugh at people jogging on the silly roundabout

and now, now I have to do some work and actually present the show.

I don't mean to sound old, but life's not as good as it used to be

just a few minutes ago.

It's not all bad news, though,

because a video recorder is about to play you a reminder

of who the finalists are

and I don't have to say a word, so swings and roundabouts...

The emotions I'm feeling

just cannot be described.

I've never had such a mixed bag of emotions - stress, tense, excitement.

I'm so excited

to be in the final three.

It is the best feeling ever. I can't believe it.

Still can't quite believe it.

It's surreal.

It will be one of the most memorable

experiences I've ever had.

Those bingo-playing grannies might not have much energy in them legs

but when they see me do the Wipeout Zone they'll be doing star jumps!

Chris is a bingo caller. I can totally wipe the board with him.

I wasn't sure he was going to be one of the major threats

until his performance on the Double Cross.

I was amazed to see him fly over that.

He's definitely competition.

People always think it's a man's world,

but in Total Wipeout, it's not. It's going to be a woman's world.

-Freya is extremely athletic.

-She's got determination,

she's got the drive, focus and ability to back it up.

It's a dangerous combination.

I think I may be Total Wipeout's very own Just William.

I'm a little bit cheeky, a bit naughty,

but I'm always a winner at the end of the day.

I see him as a favourite.

He's my main competition, but I'd like him to fall off something.

Tonight I'm going to be Kelly's Eye, number one.

I'm going to be excited and I'm going to be relaxed.

There won't be nay nerves tonight.

I'm going to smash the bingo manager and the toff.

They can get wiped out. I'm here to win and I'm going to do it.

It's getting dark. I love that.

It's getting scary.

I love that.

It's the Wipeout Zone.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love that.

And the first to brave it is Freya.

I love her.

Her name is down and she is coming in.

I'm doing this for the 17 that didn't get to be here tonight!

And she's off. Freya setting the benchmark for the other two to beat.

Heading for the Rapid Climb.

She's one super-confident chick.

Yeah, she is that. Once up, the countdown begins. Ten seconds.

If Freya is too slow, she'll get washed away

buy a giant tidal wave.

She's got to get a move on.

She's up and it's begun.

Not a fast start but she is picking up speed.

Pretty good moves from Freya.

Onto the Seesaw of Truth now. Very confident.

Great balance there. Not even a wobble as she tips.

Ooh.

-Oh.

-She's fine. That was very close.

Needs to get her timing right on the Crazy Sweeper.

Come on, Freya.

Come on.

She's going for it.

I think she's going to try and do it in one.

Which is a risk. No. It's a duck.

And she's up again. Hurry, that sweeper is coming.

And she's across.

This is fast. Oh, no, too fast.

She didn't judge that very well.

That could be the slip-up that cost her the title.

Come on, Freya.

If she gets her energy back, this could still be a strong time.

But she's struggling.

Come on. Using up every last ounce of strength.

Final leap.

And Freya completes the Wipeout Zone in two minutes exactly.

A very good time. But will it be good enough today?

It all started so promisingly

until Freya fell at almost the final hurdle.

But will it cost her the prize?

Freya, that was fantastic. How are you feeling?

-Pretty tired.

-Uh-huh?

I know that you were confident you'd be lifting the trophy tonight.

You're doing it for the girls and you've done the girls proud

with an even two minutes!

-That's all right.

-That's good.

-Hopefully it's enough.

I know and Chris is up next and he's pretty fast,

-but yours is the time to beat. Let's watch.

-Hopefully.

The bingo operations manager takes his position.

I can do this. Come on.

Eyes down.

So, two minutes flat is the time to beat

although Chris doesn't know that, of course.

He's just going to do his best.

You should keep that mouth closed.

There's a lot of water heading in its direction.

I'll be honest, I have seen quicker starts.

-Oh, little slip.

-Oh, you see?

Not easy.

No, no, it's not.

Come on, Chris.

He's up and the countdown starts.

This is more like it.

The battle is well and truly on now.

Onto the seesaw.

Not a bad time so far.

It's going to be close

if he keeps up this pace and doesn't make any mistakes.

He's being cautious.

He is but it's working for him. He's got to the Crazy Sweeper already.

Waits, picks his moment. He's off.

Come on, come on.

Ooh... Ducks but up again quickly.

Why is he waiting? Don't... Oh.

He's up very quickly once again.

And...he's across.

Now the Turntables.

Good start.

Come on, Chris.

Make that leap. Here we go.

Yes. Oh! No, not again!

He did what you did!

Chris fell in exactly the same place as Freya.

He must be running low on energy now.

Here we go. One final leap.

And the clock stops on 2:11.

It's good, but it's not good enough to beat Freya.

A steady measured performance from Chris until that costly fall

ended his chances of lifting the trophy.

Chris! Oh, my goodness.

You know what, at home right now, all the grannies

from the bingo hall will be leaping out of their couches

with excitement.

Chris, they're going to have to sit back down in their seats again

because Freya was faster than you. I'm sorry, my man.

Freya! Go join the others, Chris.

But, Freya... Oooh!

-You know what this means?

-One down, one to go.

Yours is still the time to beat.

William is up next. He's pretty fast. Let's watch.

Fingers crossed.

Non-Toff William takes his starting position.

Time to break some records, baby!

Yeah, don't call me "baby". It's...awkward.

So, can William break any records on this Wipeout Zone?

Two minutes is the target.

Again, this isn't the fastest of starts.

-He looks to be struggling here, too.

-Oh.

But he's up now. The countdown has begun.

Dashing up the Rapid Climb. Good work.

He made that look easy, but will he be so confident on the seesaw?

I think the answer is yes. Makes the tip. No problem.

He's doing well.

Apparently so. Crazy Sweeper now.

Drops to his knees.

He's up. Still going.

Yep. Staying ahead of the sweeper.

This is good. And he's made it.

William could be heading for a resounding victory here.

Two more jumps. Here we go.

Oh, not again!

No. That's all three in the same place.

This is still a good time, though.

If he can make the last jump, he'll surely be taking the trophy.

But the energy reserves are at rock bottom. Come on, William.

Find some strength from somewhere.

This has got to hurt.

He's up. One jump.

And that's it. William finishes in 1:46.

We have a winner.

A really fast run from William, even though, like the others,

he fell on the second turntable.

An amazing performance.

Over to Amanda to break the news.

William, my man. Come on out and join me.

You were pretty fantastic out there tonight, William.

Freya was absolutely brilliant, too.

I've got to tell you, you're not just William...

you are William, the Total Wipeout champion!

So William Parry walks away with £10,000 and a Total Wipeout trophy

and will be returning with Freya and Chris

to break more records in the final.

Sorry, I forgot I needed to do the end bit.

It's just I really needed to go to the shops before they close.

So, from Amanda and me, goodbye.

Hi, I'd like to buy a tin of luncheon meat

and some cheese strings.

What do you mean, you're closed?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd