Episode 8 Total Wipeout

This is Blackpool, the Buenos Aires of Great Britain.

MUSIC DIES

And this is Buenos Aires, the Buenos Aires of Argentina.

Normally, it's much sunnier.

Today, 20 already wet Brits, including a singer-songwriter,

a primary school teacher, and a chimney sweep,

have grabbed an umbrella, put on a cardie and flown to Argentina

to compete on the world famous Total Wipeout course.

19 will fail, but one will walk away with £10,000

and a slightly slippery trophy.

Let the games commence. Weather permitting.

Hello, and welcome to Total Wipeout.

Now, following yet another BBC money-saving initiative,

today's Total Wipeout has had to sell some airspace to advertisers.

But I would like to reassure you

there will be no gratuitous product flogging

getting in the way of proceedings. Oh, no!

Hey, Mr Mop. Do you know, when I'm feeling tired,

I drink Hammond's Happy Cola!

Twice the sugar, double the caffeine. It's refreshing!

-HE SNIFFS

-It stings the nostrils!

Hammond's Happy Cola!

Let's see what today's contestants face.

On special offer today, it dices and slices,

it's the Qualifier.

Two for the price of one, the Double Cross.

Want to be terrified AND go round?

Then you need the Terror-Go-Round.

Purchase all three, and you get the Wipeout Zone absolutely free!

Over to Amanda Byram.

Joining me now at the top of the Qualifier is amateur actor,

Sean, from Hackney. Hello, Sean.

But more importantly, hello, Sean's hair!

# Je t'aime

# Oui, je t'aime... #

What do your family think of you being here?

Well, my oldest daughter,

she doesn't want me to do my disco dancing feet.

# Boogie nights... #

That's like my dancing. That's not embarrassing. Yeah!

-# Boogie nights... #

-WOLF WHISTLE

So, Sean's the first contestant

to take on the Qualifier today.

I'm doing this for all the over-40s with their own hair!

Grow it like you just don't care!

-RICHARD LAUGHS

-OK, well, he's off.

Oh, don't get the hair wet!

Do not spoil that hair! Too late.

Let's take a quick peek at today's first obstacle, shall we?

The game is simple.

Get from one side to the other without busting your bonce.

On that.

Or that. It's Bonce Busters!

So the hair is wet, but will it protect his bonce?

Here we go.

Oh, no! Bonce busted!

It does that.

He took a right old knock on the bonce!

And that's Bonce Busters!

He went in head first. Then again, he probably is quite top-heavy.

He'll have got the hang of this by now, though.

Second time lucky. Here we go.

Ooh! Double bonce busted!

His kids might not like his dancing,

but check out these moves! Yes!

Sucker Punch!

Sean is an amateur actor,

but his hair is also quite famous.

Apparently, it's appeared in TV commercials. I don't know what for.

And it's not going to help him here.

Ooh!

Oh! Yep...

# D-I-S-C-O... #

M-U-D-D-Y.

Let's hope his hair gets more respect from these bouncy fellas.

The Big Red Balls.

Time for Sean to show us his real moves. Come on!

Yeah...oh-ho!

Now that's what I call Dad Dancing!

His hair is weighing him down!

Probably carrying twice his own bodyweight in wet hair.

Time to reveal today's final obstacle.

The dreaded Shape Shifter.

It's had many faces, but be afraid, because today, it has...

a plank. Just a plank?

OK. I give you the Plank Shifter!

And here's Afro Sean to demonstrate it.

Come on, Sean. Let's see those fancy feet!

Ooh, hang on! He's doing well!

I think...is that well?

No, maybe not.

Still, a great performance for Afro Sean.

That's Sean there.

Just to the left of the hair.

Sean finishes in 3:51,

and now he'll need to take that barnet through a carwash.

Ooh! Oh, yeah!

19 contestants still to come.

But now, time for a quick commercial break.

Do you long for a full head of luxurious hair?

Then you need the...

# Whoa, Hair Marmalizer

# Take a look at my hair... #

Use of the Hair Marmalizer can lead to skin burns and baldness.

Should not be used on hair.

Welcome back to Total Wipeout.

I might be a princess, but I don't need no prince on a horse,

cos I'm going to rock this Wipeout course!

OK, this is professional dancer, Fern, from Norwich.

With an unusual warm-up routine.

# Here's my handle, here's my spout... #

Well, off she toddles.

Ooh-hoo-hoo! That was a shin-plant! That's got to hurt!

# Lift me over, pour me out. #

She's on her feet now, though. Time for Bonce Busters.

Come on, Fern.

Dance your way across this!

-SHE SQUEALS

-Oh!

Light on her feet, but heavy on her face!

Ooh, now that IS a dance move!

The old limbo going on there.

Out of the water sharpish.

I really hope that doesn't happen again.

Oh, well!

-AMANDA GIGGLES

-That's not even funny!

I beg to differ!

This is definitely funny!

What singy, dancey, bouncy-aroundy jobs have you done, then?

I actually worked in Disneyland Paris

as The Little Mermaid, Ariel, for a year.

So, will The Little Fern-maid make it across the Plank Shifter,

or will she end up under the sea?

Oh, er...under the sea. Yeah...

She mer-made a massive miscalculation and jumped too far.

Shame!

And this fishy tale comes to an end in just 3:10.

Princess power! Woo!

Well, give me a princess wave goodbye to the Qualifier, won't you?

-'Course!

-SHE GIGGLES

Who is this line dancing fan?

Yee-ha!

My idol is Clint Eastwood.

I've got the American brawn...

Er, sorry, I got that wrong.

Clint Eastwood fan. Yeah.

Is that from Dirty Harry? No.

..and I'm going to just go through that course like butter.

Woo-hoo! Yee-ha!

Yeah, I really haven't seen Dirty Harry do that.

-Little doggies!

-Little doggies?!

Tristan runs an acting agency.

Will that help make his day on the Bonce Buster?

Oh! Possibly not!

Still, a masterclass for his clients.

Come on, Tristan!

Yeah, come on, Tristan!

Do America proud!

I don't think they'll care. Oh!

He's certainly going to be saddle sore in the face after that!

So, you'll be modelling yourself on Clint, then?

OK, Balls. Do you feel lucky?

Well, do ya?

I doubt they do, really.

They're just made of foam and rubber.

Anyway, is it time for Dirty Tristan to get a cleaning?

That is it.

RICHARD CHUCKLES

Finally, it's the Plank Shifter, and the question is,

do you feel lucky, plank?

Well, do you?

Oh...no. He fell in!

Ha-ha!

Do you know what? That plank is in fact quite tricky, after all.

I'll give it that.

Maybe this guy can do better.

Meet 37-year-old Ricki from London.

Ricki is a singer-songwriter and lives for music.

HE BREAKS WIND

I'll name that tune in one.

Ricki Blunt on the plank,

waiting for some inspiration.

Oh, that is eye-watering!

Next song will be falsetto.

-Now he's upside down. Now he's not.

-AMANDA GIGGLES

Go on, Ricki! Make the jump!

-He can't! He's still going round!

-RICHARD GIGGLES

This wasn't in the plan! Go on, Ricki, compose yourself!

Oh...

He's going to be walking funny for weeks!

Good jump, bad landing. That's what got him.

Let's hope it hasn't finished his singing career.

And he completes the course in 3:22.

Time for one of Ricki's songs.

HE ADOPTS HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: # If I were a boy

# I think I would understand... #

Oh, yeah, it's got something.

It's catchy. Yeah.

Ricki Sings The Blues.

CD box set comes free with every purchase of Hammond's Happy Cola.

I'm so excited!

I saw an advert on the telly for this, and it's finally arrived!

My Hair Marmalizer!

I think this is going to be the best £1,200 I've ever spent!

Could someone plug me in?

Right, what happens when you add sport to girls?

You get...girly sport?

No, no. That can't be right. No.

Let me run through the equation again. Right, I've got it.

You get...sporty girls!

Meet sporty girl one

and sporty girl two.

AKA Amy and Robin.

This is trampoline coach, Amy, doing what she does best.

Sport.

Some speed in those little legs!

Ooh!

Just one word...wowzers!

And wowzers again!

And here's student, Robin, doing what she does best.

Also, sport.

SHE SQUEALS

Oh, I don't think boxing is her best sport!

She's probably better at one of the other sports.

Amy again. Will she have a sporting chance on the Big Balls?

Here we go. First, second, third.

Hang tight! Hang tight! Hang tight!

You can do it!

Oh! Oh!

The fourth one! I've said it before, and I'll say it again, wowzers!

And again, wowzers!

That's not only a win for Amy,

it's also a win for sporty girls in general!

Now, to follow that success,

on the... Oh, no! Oh!

That's just a tiny slip for Amy in a relatively flawless run.

Here's sporty girl, Robin.

Time to shine.

Ooh, that's a good bit of shining. In fact, it's very good.

Just needs to get the timing right now.

Hang tight, Robin! Hold on! Hold on!

OK, get yourself together!

Perfect! Sporty girl, Robin, finishes in 2:40.

That IS gusto!

But that's not as good

as sporty girl Amy's INCREDIBLE 1:28.

That's double wowzers! I'm wowed out!

Time for a leaderboard.

So, sporty girls rule in first and second,

with Dirty Tristan in third.

Then it's Little Fern-maid, Ricki Blunt,

and in sixth place, Afro Sean.

-Aargh!

-Who's this clown?

And why is he so angry?

HE GROWLS

Yeah, all right! All right!

-Is that real?

-Yeah!

-MOUSTACHE:

-'Aargh! Get off!'

-Ooh!

-All real.

Oh, my goodness! Are your whiskers going to be

-a help or a hindrance today?

-A help. They're going to help me fly.

-They're like wings. MOUSTACHE:

-Wings!

-They have mighty powers.

-'Mighty powers!'

-Are you just saying that?

-Yep.

-'No, he isn't!'

So Andy and his talking moustache prepare for battle.

Some night run, and some might dash,

but I have the power of the mighty moustache!

'Hooray!'

OK. He looks like something from a silent movie.

Yeah, not so silent when he screamed.

-'Whee!'

-Oh, that's not good for Andy.

But his moustache is loving it! Look!

Andy and his moustache approach the Bonce Busters.

Yeah, nice view from Tash Cam. They can get cameras anywhere these days.

Here we go!

Oh, no, he's down!

Ooh, he's back up again. Second attempt.

-Oh, no, no. He has gone.

-SHE GIGGLES

As you can probably tell from his quirky get-up,

Andy is an IT manager.

No, but it was actually quite good!

Still managed a comedy slide, though. That'll do!

Well, Andy dresses like a Victorian boxer,

but will that help him beat those fierce pistons?

It's the daring young man on the punching machine.

Why don't you hang on with your whiskers?!

-Oh, incredible technology! It feels like I'm actually there!

-'Aargh!'

BELL RINGS

And Andy is across.

A bit slimy, but across.

So time for Andy to walk the plank.

He's going for the square window and...

oh, no! Not good.

Moustache is all wet.

Despite that hefty wallop,

Andy-bar Moustache completes the course in 2:90.

Yeah!

Yep, I see that you've made it to the end of the course,

but this little fella didn't quite make it, did he?

-'Yes, I did!'

-A little bit limp, but...

it'll be OK.

This is psychology student, Ellen,

and once, she did something silly.

On holiday last year, I swallowed a spoon.

-I'm sorry, what?

-I swallowed a spoon.

-An actual, whole, metal spoon?

-Yeah.

That's nothing. I swallowed a ladle once.

And a cheese grater.

Ooh!

THEY LAUGH

In mid-air at the time!

Ellen almost swallowing a Bonce Buster there!

OK, well, she's back on!

Oh, well, she's back on for a few milliseconds!

What's wrong with her?!

The spoon swallower must now take on the Sucker Punch.

Not with a spoon in her mouth right now.

That would be disastrous!

Ellen taking a huge hit there

right in the lower spoon area.

And so, a slightly muddy Ellen charges towards the big red balls.

Let's hope she doesn't swallow one of these.

Even by her standards, that'd be difficult. They'd get stuck.

Here we go.

One, two, three. Steady now, Ellen!

-Help!

-Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I can't take this!

No way! Yes!

The spoon swallower transforms into a ball crosser.

Can she round this off in style?

Into the triangle!

Oh, she's making a muddy mess, but she's still on.

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh...

MUSIC DISTORTS AND FADES

No-one can take away the fact that Ellen has joined

the ball-crossing elite.

Two minutes, eight seconds. She will be sticking around today.

SHE CHEERS

Next is chimney sweep, Nick, and he's brought his brush.

# Je t'aime... #

Here we go again.

# Je t'aime... #

# Chim-chiminey, chim-chiminey, chim chim cher-ee... #

That was my best Dick Van Dyke impression, Nick. What do you think?

I wondered what you were doing, actually.

Was it not good?

-It didn't look a lot like Dick Van Dyke.

-Is that not what you do?

-Er, no. No.

-Oh.

Er, that IS what you do, you're doing it now.

Chimney sweeps are supposed to be lucky,

so surely Nicholas will be OK today? I imagine.

Yes.

See? Oh!

That will probably be his only bit of bad luck today though, I'm sure.

Otherwise, they are very lucky.

Nicholas to the Sucker Punch, and here comes his luck.

No, that's unlucky. Yes, didn't even get on the ledge.

That's got to be a first.

I've never seen anyone as unlucky, he never got started.

Lucky Nicholas heads for the big balls.

I think his fortunes are about to change.

-Yes, yes...

-HE SCREAMS

OK then. Maybe not right now.

Any minute now, his luck is going to kick in. Isn't it?

They're not lucky are they, chimney sweeps? It's a lie.

Final obstacle for Lucky Nicholas.

On the plank, aiming, I think, for the triangle.

Yes! No. Unlucky.

Maybe if it was chimney-shaped, he'd have been OK.

It was straight up, job done.

And, ahem, Lucky Nicholas' time is two minutes and 22.

How lucky was that?

To be honest, I'd say more plucky than lucky, but well done.

Look, Mr Mop, I know you've fallen in love

and that's a beautiful thing.

The fact is, it will never work.

Sorry, mate. Out of your league. Just give up hope.

That was hard to break it to him. It's heartbreaking.

-BEEPING

-Oh, hang on. I'm done.

Right, who's next?

So, how do I look? Do I look hot?

Yes? Does it show off my jaw?

Yes, does it? Oh yes.

Meet Janeice.

I would say I'm quite the most talkative person ever.

Now, meet Anna Marie.

-I just like messing about with things.

-And now meet Craig.

I heard all your friends call you Belly and I think that's plain mean.

And if you combine Janeice's mouth, Craig's belly and Anna Marie's feet,

you get the ultimate, super, uber contestant.

Craig, The Belly, begins.

Oh. And another great start for the uber contestant.

Does anyone else think the nickname "Belly" is a bit harsh?

Shall we wind that in a bit?

-Come on, belly!

-Obviously not Amanda.

Belly it is then, that'll work. OK.

So, now to the feet. Feety Anna Marie at the bonce busters.

Yes, her feet weren't quick enough.

So, now the mouth.

Mouthy Janeice loves nothing more than a mouthful of cheesy pizza.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, but now she's enjoying a below the belt knuckle sandwich. Ouch.

Belly Craig finding obstacles where there weren't supposed to be any.

I shall christen this one The Mud Rope.

Yes! Craig has beaten The Mud Rope,

that really isn't an obstacle.

Can podiatrist Anna Marie's feet carry her over the balls?

No. Might come in handy with swimming, though.

Big mouth to the balls.

Yes! No.

Janeice gets a gob full of water.

And Belly versus the big balls. Here we go.

HE SCREAMS

Aw. Emphatic victory for the balls.

So, the various parts of the uber-contestant finish.

Help, help!

Well, nearly.

Get me down.

Let's see where that gets them on the leaderboard.

Sporty girl Amy still holds top spot,

with spoonful-of-Ellen now in second,

and Andy-bar moustache in third.

Further down, is lucky Nicholas,

and dirty Tristan.

Still hanging on in ninth is Afro Sean,

and, look, the uber-contestant

fills up the last three spaces.

Maybe not so uber after all. Eight still to go.

Joining me, now, at the top of the qualifiers,

is the very lovable Ben from Fordingbridge in Hampshire,

who's a wildlife and conservationist student.

So, are you bit more of a Bill Oddie, Ben,

or are you a bit more Crocodile Dundee?

I'm definitely Crocodile Dundee, because I'm always looking at

things in a fast-paced environment, deep in the countryside of Hampshire.

Yeah, well, it's a hostile place, that Hampshire countryside.

Highly dangerous badgers, apparently, and a ferret, once.

Now, Ben leaps...

Oh, no!

And gets Bonce Busted. Conserve that!

Crocodile Ben-dee ends up in the Billabong.

I'm guessing that was quite painful.

Sucker Punch, now, almost as deadly as the Hampshire countryside.

Oh, in the Bill Oddie!

Ben gets a close-up look at some Argentine pond life.

Don't touch anything.

Crocodile Ben-dee is used to danger, so he won't fear the balls.

Oh, no. What's that?

Crocodiles aren't even indigenous to Buenos Aires, are they?

No, Ben, don't!

Stay out of the water! Don't...

Bad, horrible, worrying.

ROAR

Ah, well. Who's next? This is Nics from Sheffield.

She works in the family business, with her father and brothers.

You better watch out, when these Sheffield buns of steel are about!

# This is a man's world... #

OK, so Nics works in a man's world.

Can she man up to the Bonce Buster?

# This is a man's world... #

Oh, that was right on the bonce.

It is unerringly accurate, isn't it?

But she is still smiling, bless her.

Or was that a grimace? It's a grimace.

Nics is a keen hockey player -

how keen will she be at pneumatic boxing glove dodging?

Yes... Oh. Well, it was her first go.

Takes another smack, but she's still got a grin on her face,

as well as some blue ink.

Right, the big balls.

Come on, Nics.

Yes, come on, jolly hockey Nics.

Here we go.

Oh, oh! Good try, though.

# This is a man's world... #

And let's check. Yes, still smiling.

Great jump, and a wonderful dive.

And all with a jolly grin on her face.

This is Anna from Bradford, and she works for an energy company.

I'm Anna, and I'm going to open a can of whoopass on this course!

No, don't do that!

Oh. I didn't expect whoop-ass to be that colour.

Can Anna open another can of whoop-ass here?

Oh.

Forgot her can opener, maybe.

Those balls really sent her whoop-ass over whoop-elbow.

She needed to be better at jumping.

Now, this is Dennis.

He works in an office in Slough, and, as luck would have it,

says here, he's good at jumping.

How good are you at jumping?

Four steps on the office stairs, yes.

Dennis is originally from Russia,

and with those jumping skills

he should have no problems here. Yes.

Oh, yeah, big balls are tougher

than office stairs.

Them Russians, they're really roughty-toughty.

-Should your comrades be afraid of you today?

-They should be.

Some Russians are roughty-toughty, some are smart,

-and I think I'm both.

-Hey!

Well, smartness and roughty-toughtyness are both

required to beat the Plank Shifter.

Come on, office Dennis!

I have high hopes for Dennis.

Yes, oh yes. So have I.

He goes for the circle. Oh!

Well, that was a roughty-toughty landing.

Well, he got through it. That was pretty clever.

# I got no strings to hold me down...#

This is Lisa. She's a puppeteer, and that's her puppet, Vincent, on the left.

Who should I talk to today, then, Lisa? You, or Vincent?

You should talk to me, Amanda.

I have no idea who this lady is, she's been following me ever

since I arrived in Argentina.

-Now, that is good.

-It's true, I tell you,

and I intend to take out a restraining order on her.

This is primary school teacher Daniel, with his puppet, Mr Dukesberry.

I bet he's good, as well.

-Hello there, Amanda, how are you?

-I'm very well, thanks, Mr Dukesberry.

Yeah, I think I saw his lips moving.

Do you know, if you give me a kiss, I'll turn into a prince.

Go on, one on the smackers.

Now, that's more like it. Amazing!

So, Lisa, minus Vincent, is off.

See what happens when you've got use of both hands?

Yes.

Now approaching the Bonce Buster.

Feeling of dread.

Ouch! No strings on this girl, and no flies on her either.

She's in the water.

# ABC, easy as... #

Now, Daniel faces 22 boxing glove puppets.

Well, just boxing gloves, really.

A punch, but where's the Judy? Sorry!

# We don't need no education... #

Teachers getting hit in the face. That's broken Britain for you.

Here comes Daniel to teach the balls a lesson.

Oh, he missed out ball two.

Was that the lesson?

Now, no strings Lisa faces the Sucker Punch.

Just don't face it too closely, Lisa.

Ow! In the shin!

That was a low blow.

SHE SCREAMS

Meanwhile, Daniel faces the Plank Shifter.

The plank, straight in!

That was close! A valiant 10 out of 10 for effort, there.

Not seen that done before.

And, Daniel finishes in exactly two minutes.

is teaching assistant frog will be proud.

And as no strings Lisa finishes,

will that be enough to make the top 12?

I can't help feeling that this otherwise classy

and thought-provoking television programme has been

trivialised by the presence of hand puppets, and I am sorry.

It just makes the whole show look, I'm going to come out and say it,

a bit silly.

Don't you agree, Mr Mop?

Yes, it does. Right, it's time for our penultimate contestant.

Ah, anyone for tennis?

This is tennis coach, Helen.

Oops!

Looking closely on the replay,

we can see the exact moment that it all goes wrong.

Which is there. Yeah, that's a foot fault.

15 love to the Qualifier.

Approaching the Bonce Busters.

And that's a tremendous backhand.

In the face. What a volley from the Bonce Buster. 30-love.

Second service.

That's it. Helen.

That's a sight. A woman in muddy water in the rain.

-Oh, she's a little bit wobbly.

-She is looking unsteady, yeah.

Anyone for Sucker Punch?

It seems Helen's game has been found. This is more like it.

Oh, that's messy. Oh, that's messier.

40-love.

Magnificent forearm smash for the Sucker Punch.

Lucky Helen's not wearing her tennis whites.

That wouldn't work today.

-HE CHUCKLES

-What a finisher.

Anyone for Helen now faces her highest ranked opponent so far.

Big Balls, please.

Oh. Yeah, that was definitely out.

Game to the Qualifier.

So, here it is. Match point in the Buenos Aires Open.

Just the Plank Shifter left. Here we go.

Oh, ah!

Game, set and match to the Qualifier.

So, anyone for Helen, like all British tennis stars,

promised so much but delivered so little.

Today's final contestant. It's Liam. A greengrocer from Bristol.

I've got two sides to me like a Jaffa cake. There's the plain side -

I sell fruit and veg.

I do all kinds of things there.

I put things in bags, I put the bags out, I cut the bottom of broccoli.

There is also the colourful, tangy side, as well.

I concur. That is tangy.

I take out bad onions, I put the bags in different places.

Definitely tangy.

I turn apples around so they look better,

I tell people what my favourite kind of apple is.

-So, do you get your five-a-day at work then?

-At least.

Sometimes as many as eight.

Here goes Tangy Liam. Oh, and that's what happens if you OD on fruit.

Can this fresh produce assistant - that means greengrocer -

produce anything here?

Oh, I was about to say yes.

Well, he can - entertainment.

Yeah, that was, as well.

Oh, that was cruel. Right in the spring onions.

Tangy Liam takes on the ripe red balls. One, two...

he's squeezing it to see if it's ripe.

That's it. You can do it. He's a big red goofball.

A bit wobbly. Go on, Tangy Liam, go on. Yes!

Another ball crossing. What a hero.

What an advert for eating eight a day.

And now he's in the circle, as well.

He's just making me want to eat lots of fruit. It works.

Can he, will he?

Yes. Tangy Liam comes in at one minute 26.

Pound for pound, the fastest today. Now, that is tangy.

That was absolutely fantastic.

I made it over the big red balls.

-I know.

-Am I Prime Minister now?

No, unfortunately, Liam, you're still a greengrocer from Bristol.

And that's all 20 contestants done.

Hang on, who's this?

Oh, my word, it looks like...

It is. It's Crocodile Ben-dee. He is still alive.

And if he can finish quickly, he can make it through to the next round.

Yes, Crocodile Ben-dee's done it. What a finish.

What a conservationist.

What a man. So, let's have a look at the final leaderboard.

Proving eight a day is good for you, is Tangy Liam

with Sporty Girl Amy in second

and Dan and his teaching assistant in third.

They are followed by Jolly Hockey Nics and Spoonful of Ellen.

At the back of the pack, Unlucky Nicholas and Sporty Girl Robyn.

Whilst bringing up the rear are Crocodile Ben-dee

and Little Fern Maid.

After Tangy Liam's incredible fruit-fuelled performance,

I'm really up for making sure I get my five today. Here we are.

There are five. Yes, they are jam. That should do the job.

So, whilst I elongate my lifespan

via the energising properties of jam,

it's time to say farewell to those who've just been eliminated.

Cheers.

Help! I can't go up.

MUSIC: "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Glen Campbell

# Time grabs you by the wrist

# Directs you where to go

# It's something unpredictable

# But in the end it's right

# I hope you had the time of your life. #

The Double Cross has written itself into folklore this series.

But it wasn't always this tough. Oh, no.

The Double Cross mk 1 was a massive failure.

Mainly because it was easy.

So, the designers had a rethink and the rest, as they say, is history.

Contestants enter using one of the green arms and exit using the red.

The first six to make it across go through to the next round.

The rest can enjoy the hospitality

of the local accident and emergency ward. Voila.

First, it's Tangy Liam.

Andy, I'm going to shave your moustache off

and mop the floor with it.

-MOUSTACHE:

-Oooh!

Second in the qualifier, it's Amy.

Doing it for the Dinkies.

-Third, it's schoolteacher Daniel.

-Talk about double crosses,

I'm going to have some double ticks in my mark book.

Then Jolly Hockey Nics.

Spoonful of Ellen.

There's six girls and six places. Daniel, you do the maths.

Then it's Andy-bar Moustache.

Liam, I thought we were friends but, now, it's on.

-MOUSTACHE:

-It's on.

Lucky Nicholas made it in seventh.

I'm going to sweep to victory.

Then Sporty Girl Robyn

followed by Dirty Tristan.

HE CROWS LIKE COCKEREL

I'm a rooster, not a chicken.

I'm entirely speechless.

Next, it's Crocodile Ben-dee.

Down you go, everyone.

Whoop-ass Anna and finally, Little Fern Maid.

Only a prince is going to sweep me off my feet.

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

Let me tell you a few home truths. We've got too many contestants left.

Get over it. Double Cross really hurts. Deal with it.

It's going to be carnage out there. Life is sweet. Are you all ready?

ALL: Yes.

Yes. Sweet. Three, two, one.

KLAXON BLARES

So, it begins. Who's going to make the first move? And it's Amy.

Straight off and straight in.

Oh, and Lucky Nicholas is unlucky.

Seems to nudge the others out of the way

then completely mistimes his jump.

Who is this? It's Jolly Hockey Nics. Off.

And there is a few more fallers.

And what can Andy-bar Moustache do?

Nothing. This is disastrous.

Doing nothing is something Ben also turns out to be good at. Oops.

More mayhem. Still no-one close to making it to the middle.

No. No. No.

Lots of fallers. Lucky Nicholas has another attempt. Ouch.

Yes, his luck runs out again as the sweeping arm smashes him off.

Oh, crikey. No.

It's like a lemming convention out there. Oh, come on. No. No.

Who's that? This is just carnage.

People running about, falling off. Liam, now, onto the bar.

And off it.

Tangy Liam just can't hang on and is properly flipped over.

Now, what's this? Looks like Fern is in some trouble.

Oh, that's doesn't look good for Amy either. A double injury.

What do we do now? That's bad.

Both Amy and Fern injured their knees

and on medical advice have been forced to retire from the condition.

A sad moment indeed.

And when I'm feeling a bit sad, as I am right now,

I feel compelled to express my emotions through poetry.

Now, what rhymes with Fern?

Burn.

Oh, great. We are back. And Andy's in the middle already. Wow.

Oh, just a pause to get his bearings. And that's Dan.

Is he going to make it? Yes, he's made it, too.

Dan, struggling to stay on. Oh.

This is carnage. I can't watch.

I am contracted to do so. I have to. I am.

He's down. But look, Dirty Tristan is joining the party, I believe.

Yes, now, timing is key.

They have to wait for that red gangway.

Andy makes his move. And it looks good.

No. He's fallen.

He did all the hard work

but just couldn't make that final leap to safety.

And that leaves the door wide open for Tristan.

So, he lines himself up and he's off. No.

Balance letting him down maybe. Or timing.

Dan has another go.

Oh, that is golden Wipeout magic.

Nics is in the middle and who's that? Lucky Nicholas.

Pushing her off.

And now Andy's back.

All of a sudden, it's a stampede to the middle.

Andy's on the move and,

yes, finally. He's the first to cross.

Back to the middle. And now, Dan's making his...

No, that didn't work.

That's a massive hit for the primary school teacher.

Year Five will love that.

Right, five - no, six -

crammed in the middle. This is going to be interesting.

Robyn getting squashed but Nics now running.

Oh, right in the kisser.

Jolly Hockey Nics sours into the air only to crash face-first.

More middle mayhem as Ben lines himself up for a run and, oh,

look at that. As easy as you like.

Crocodile Ben-dee makes it look simple.

Which it isn't. Let's look at the victory celebration again.

Yeah, nice straight arms, slightly bent knees. Works with any fanfare.

That is beautiful. Textbook. Well done.

Anyway, let's get back to the game.

Dan makes his bid. Yes?

Yes.

And now, here's Nics.

Crikey, she is through, as well.

Two places left, guys, come on.

So, who will it be?

Dirty Tristan, Anna, Tangy Liam, Ellen, Lucky Nicolas

or Sporty Girl Robyn,

who is surely about to fall?

No, she's still hanging on.

Just.

Tangy Liam leapfrogs the arm. Can he hold on? No.

And neither can Nick.

The greengrocer does well to keep on the gangway.

Just lost his balance. Robyn, now, still hanging on.

How she has not lost her arm by now, I have no idea.

Yeah, she is getting mixed.

She falls, as does Ellen and Anna.

Spoonful of Ellen knows she's blown it.

A futile scream as she plummets.

Right, Tristan, sitting pretty in there, joined by Liam.

Two places left, there's two of you up there. Go for it, now.

Looking for the exit gangway, Tangy Liam takes a chance

and, yes, he's nailed it.

There is just one place left.

So, who will grab it? Dirty Tristan?

Oh, no. No, that's a no.

Dirty Tristan takes one right in the Harries there.

Ellen.

Oh, takes a tumble and is brought down by Robyn.

Look at that.

Double disaster. Two contestants at once.

Anna now joined by Dirty Tristan in the middle.

Things getting desperate.

There is Robyn. Back for a last ditch effort.

Off runs Robyn and, yes, she has made it.

And Robyn sneaks into take that final place in the next round.

Exhausting stuff.

Right, I've finished my poem about Amy and Fern.

It's called Sad, Sad Sorrow and I'm going to read it now.

Well, that's beautiful. Up there with Wordsworth and Longfellow.

Right, what's next? Oh, yeah, it's the sad goodbye

to everyone who went out on Double Cross.

I can feel another poem coming on.

I think we all just wanted to be first and, yeah,

it didn't pay off for me.

It's something to do with having to coordinate your eyes

and your feet, think, and I just wasn't able to do it.

My legs just didn't seem to

want to go the same way as my body, most of the time.

Absolutely gutted.

So devastated cos I know I could have gone on and won it.

I don't know how they've got across it. I just couldn't work it out.

I could not work it out.

As far as who I want to go through tonight -

I don't care.

I wanted to be there.

The Terror-Go-Round.

Looks like a gentle stroll in an inflatable theme park.

But stop.

This beast is a master of disguise,

despatching justice to all comers

in an unswerving dedication to its task.

This mechanical monster with added Fickle Fingers

is at the ready to dish out mayhem and misery.

There'll be three heats to discover who will go through

to the Wipeout Zone. Hey presto.

We are in Argentina, so I've been learning Spanish.

Guess how they say Terror-Go-Round here?

El terroro del scare-a...your...pants off. Really?

Right. Well, it's terrifying, all the same. Are you all ready?

-ALL: Yes.

-Three, two, one.

So, before legs and arms start going everywhere,

here's a little reminder of who's who.

On the outer rim, it's Daniel and his teaching assistant.

Then there is Sporty Girl Robyn.

Crocodile Ben-dee.

Will he show that celebration again?

It's the fruit-powered Tangy Liam.

Then, she is one tough cookie - Jolly Hockey Nics.

And, finally, he was first across Double Cross,

it's Andy-bar Moustache.

-Terror-Go-Round at the ready.

-That was venomous.

This week's theme is lifeguards, which is ironic, because there's

never been a less competent pair of lifesavers than the Terror Twins.

OK, prepare for the Fingers.

And there they go. Will anyone go out on the first Finger?

Oh, yes.

Andy-bar Moustache gets carried up, up and away.

Strong arm hold but he's out. For this heat, at least.

Rubber ring causing trouble in the ranks.

Oh, someone's gone.

That was Sporty Girl Robyn.

Trying to hug the Finger into submission, it didn't work.

Four still standing now, well, two.

Dan's in trouble. If he travels through the punch bags, he's out.

Oh, dear, he's out now.

Dan takes a real tumble off that Fickle Finger.

Liam, Ben and Nics still in the game.

Come on, guys.

The fewer contestants there are, the more likely it is

the Terror Twins will pick on them,

as Liam is discovering.

Yeah, that can't help concentration.

Remember, the last one standing here

will definitely be going through to the Wipeout Zone.

Oh, Tangy Liam is down. He's gone.

I don't think he ever quite recovered from

that rubber ring to the head.

So, it's between Ben and Nics.

Oh, they're both down.

They've gone. Both of them.

Right, let's look at the replay.

The rules state that the last man or woman standing wins and,

as you can see here,

Nics is still on her feet whilst Ben very clearly isn't.

All of that means Jolly Hockey Nics goes through

to the Wipeout Zone

whilst poor Ben's got to do it all again.

Heat two.

Oh, and immediately everyone tries to hide from the Terror Twins.

Well, everyone except Liam, who is drawing their fire.

Oh, that wasn't nice.

Here comes something even less nice - the Fingers.

Oh, Liam's down before the first Finger's even arrived and so is...

I don't know, it's carnage, all of a sudden.

But Crocodile Ben-dee is still standing so he's through.

I'm not sure even he has actually realised it yet.

So, Robyn got carried off by the Finger,

Andy does a kamikaze dive into the water

and Dan's carried backwards through the punch bags leaving behind Ben.

He's still going. He still doesn't quite believe it. Oh, bless.

Someone tell him, please.

Ben. Ben! You're through. It's finished.

You did it.

Right, final heat.

Andy, Liam, Daniel and Robyn are all vying for that final place

in the Wipeout Zone.

Not that easy to vie when two Argentinian lifeguards

are dumping inflatables on your head, of course.

Now, things get tricky. Fingers of fate, rotate!

I've been working on that catchphrase for five weeks.

I like it.

Dan's got a towel on his head.

And, what's happened here?

Well, the Fingers have already taken out both Andy and Robyn.

It's all over for them but all on for these two.

Only Liam and Daniel remain.

And Liam's stumbling.

Stumbling and drifting out.

And Liam is out.

Dan completes the Wipeout Zone line-up. What a wonderful scene.

He's had a good day,

I've had a good day, even the losers have had a good day.

It's time to say, "Cheerio."

But, tragically,

it's a plain old goodbye to Tangy Liam.

And whilst Sporty Girl Robyn has been a great sport, she's out, too.

Finally, it's cheerio to both Andy and his incredible

talking moustache. You shall be missed.

It is always a tough time on the show, saying goodbye to contestants.

So sad that I have written another haunting poem.

"How can I just let you walk away?

"Just leave you without a trace?

"When I stand here, taking every breath with you-oo-oo.

"Take a look at me now. There's just an empty space."

Oh, apparently, it's against all odds that they'll be back.

Let's remind ourselves who the three finalists are.

I can't believe that I've got so far in the competition.

I'm so happy and so privileged and honoured to be here.

In my life, I've never accomplished anything major like this.

The last and only thing I've won in my life was a fancy dress

competition at Brownies when I was 11 dressed as a Crayola orange crayon.

What I've told the kids by coming on this is that if you try hard enough at something,

you'll achieve it, even if it's a pipe dream.

I'm so surprised I'm sitting here right now.

None of us really thought we'd get this far.

I thought I'd done so bad on the qualifier, I didn't even think I'd go through.

I've been compared to Mr Bean...

..because I always do things wrong or commit too many blunders.

When I first clapped eyes on Ben, I would not have thought he would be here now.

I don't know what's going on, sometimes.

His Mr Bean performance so far has been pretty incredible.

He's here to the final, and I think he's proved a lot of people wrong.

I'm deadly but also skinny.

My year five class, I think, will be so, so happy and proud of me.

It'll be brilliant. I'm so happy.

I work with a load of guys. I've got my two older brothers.

I just want to beat those boys in the Wipeout Zone.

I want to prove that, no matter what your attributes are, you can still do it regardless.

Evening, all. Move along, please. Nothing to see here.

What am I saying? There's tons to see here!

It's the Wipeout Zone,

and Ben is the first to brave it.

Here is Crocodile Ben-dee. That's not an obstacle course.

This is an obstacle course.

Here we go again.

Let tonight's Wipeout Zone commence.

So, Ben starts well. Nice bit of floating.

And now it's a swim to the Rapid Climb.

Once he's hauled himself up onto the waterfall,

he'll have ten seconds to get to the top.

If Ben doesn't make it in that time, a tidal wave will be unleashed.

Go, Ben!

Struggling against the tide.

Come on, Ben!

-A bit of water in the eyes.

-There you go!

He's on. The countdown has begun.

Ben started well, and with the aid of the banister, he's looking good.

Yup, he's beaten the wave.

Now for the slippery Seesaw Of Truth.

He needs a strong nerve and balance here. He's got plenty of both.

Can't hurry it, can't hang about either.

A lot of support for Ben as he approaches the Crazy Sweeper now.

Ducks, wise move. But he's staying down. What he playing at?

Has Ben realised this is a race? Speed is important. He's getting up.

-No, he's down.

-Stand up! Get up!

This is almost slug-like, and about as quick.

But he's going to have to get on his feet for the podiums.

The sweeper is closing in. Hurry up! Oh, only just.

Right, the turntables to go now. Ben makes the first.

Now prepares to fling himself at the Pillars Of No Return. A bit dizzy.

Readying himself. Makes his leap. Yes! perfectly timed.

Got to be getting dizzy now. Makes it onto the third. One more to go.

Yes! Well done, Ben. Done and dusted in 3:26.

Well, Ben did beat every single obstacle,

but it was very slow going.

So, over to Amanda.

I like the way you took the slow but steady approach.

Talk me through this worm technique you had going on over there.

I just didn't want to get hit by the squares or the circles.

I thought, OK, I will duck it.

Now, I know you are only very ickle,

and your T-shirt earlier obviously said "skinny but deadly",

and you've done that in a deadly time of three minutes and 26 seconds.

-Are you happy with that?

-Yes, very happy.

You should be happy with that, Ben, because yours is the time to beat.

But Nics is up next. Let's watch.

Jolly Hockey Nics tries her hand at a new sport.

Wipeout Zoning.

That was a pretty heavy landing, but it's straight on with the challenge.

Nics doesn't know how Ben got on,

so she'll just be trying to get round as fast as she possibly can.

Oh, she's doing well. She's a strong girl.

Time to battle the Rapid Climb. Onto the ramp. There she goes.

Tidal wave countdown begins. Taking it very steadily.

This could be a close thing.

Hurry up, Nics!

Just about defeats the wave.

And now Nics steps out onto the Seesaw Of Truth.

Not as cautious as Ben so far, but she's past the tipping point and across.

Will this bold attitude continue on the Crazy Sweeper?

Choosing her moment. Running.

-Oh...

-And ducking! Oh, a bit of a wobble.

But instead of sliding like a slug, Nics is up and at it. Drops low.

-Watch out, that sweeper arm is coming!

-Oh, no, no, no, no!

Maybe Ben had it right after all. A big blow for Nics.

Right at the last moment on the Crazy Sweeper.

But she is still in with a shout despite that fall.

A good time here now, she could do it. Jumps for the first turntable.

She's on. Now for the Pillars Of No Return. Oh, no, disaster!

A second big fall.

Nics will be utterly exhausted by now.

But because of Ben's slow time, she still has a chance to beat him.

Spending a lot of time on that ladder, but Ben spent a lot of time on his belly.

This is excruciating.

OK, she is up on her feet again. Just one final jump now. Here it is.

And Nics has made it. 2:51.

Which means despite those two falls, Nics has beaten Ben.

-She doesn't know that yet, so it over to Amanda to tell her.

-Whoa!

-You were doing so incredibly well, and then...?

-I just...

Those ladders... I just couldn't get my foot on them.

I just could not get my foot on them. Awful. Gutted.

Well, you know, they do say that blondes have more fun.

-But Nics, that wasn't fun for you.

-No.

-But you were faster than Ben!

Ben, I'm sorry, my man. You've got to go join the others.

Nics, even though you fell, yours is still the time to beat.

-Oh, pleased, anyway.

-Let's watch.

Well, your frog puppet can't help you now, Daniel.

To my family and all my friends, I'm doing this for you. And my class.

Go for it, yeah, whoo! Yeah, come on!

He's terrified, you can tell! And with good cause.

Daniel's assault on the Wipeout Zone commences, minus his assistant.

Now, he doesn't know it, but Nics's time of 2:51 is what

he needs to beat, and that is definitely beatable time.

Clambering up onto the Rapid Climb.

His fellow finalists beat the tidal wave. Can Daniel?

A bit of a slip.

But he has scaled the Rapid Climb successfully.

Inching his way onto the Seesaw.

Gentle steps to the tipping point. It's over, and he is over.

Now, how cavalier will Daniel be on the Crazy Sweeper?

Ducks. Safe stuff. But now he's charging. This is very bold.

Come on! Come on! Oh, no, this is like deja vu.

Daniel's error almost identical to Nics's fall,

which means this competition is very, very close right now.

All he has to do is complete this and he's done it.

True, Nics, but those turntables are pretty tricky.

OK, safely onto the first.

Next leap is to the pillars, and that's a big gap.

Oh, but Daniel has timed it perfectly.

Now for the penultimate jump. Things are looking good for Daniel.

Oh, he's completely missed it!

What a final!

The length was all right. The direction was just completely wrong.

Poor Daniel.

A strength sapping swim and climb.

Still got a healthy lead here.

A solid finish from here, and that £10,000 is his.

Oh, this is agony just to watch! Oh, unbelievable.

Every ounce of strength needed, the crowd urging him on,

but that slip means things couldn't get any closer right now.

Can Daniel get himself to that finish button in time to beat Nics?

Finally up and onto his feet. He jumps. 2:53, it's not enough.

Nics wins, and I've got no fingernails left at all.

Oh, my God. This is awful.

Over to Amanda to reveal the result.

-How are you?

-Tired. I'm a bit gutted about that little rope at the end.

A tiny little tiny rope. A tiny little rope!

Well, I'm going to tell you guys, there were two seconds between you.

Wow.

Tonight, the Total Wipeout champion...

..is Nics!

So, Nicola Cox, 24-year-old finance director from Sheffield,

wins the Total Wipeout trophy and £10,000.

And, as a special bonus prize today,

she also wins a lifetime supply of Hammond's Happy Cola.

Best before February 1998.

Anyway, join me next time for something really special. It's going to be a humdinger.

It's the final, where champions crash, bang and wallop

to decide the best of the best.

But for now, from Amanda and me, it's goodbye. Cheers!

Obviously I'm not going to drink this.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd