The Snow Globes Winter Wipeout

As Martin Luther King once said, "The ultimate measure of a man

"is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience.

"But where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

This series of Winter Wipeout has tested both the good

and the great to the limit.

Yes, they may leave tired, battered and bruised,

but with each and every contestant, the human spirit has shone through.

Tonight, we honour that spirit. Their creativity.

Their questionable attire.

Their sheer intrepidatiousness.

And their staggeringly high pain thresholds.

Because this is Winter Wipeout. The Snow Globes.

Here are the stats. 160 intrepid contestants.

Two cubic miles of snow. four million gallons of icy water.

92 lorry loads of foam padding

and one forged health and safety certificate.

It's high time someone paid tribute to all those spine-twisting spills,

stomach-churning slaps, buttock-clenching bangs

and eye-popping whacks and I am that someone and that time is now.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to The Snow Globes and I am so excited.

The BBC has really splashed out tonight. We've got a live orchestra.

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

Oh, they're good.

They've hired me this bling Arctic attire and just look at all this.

There's a real buzz of electricity in the air and that's because

each of tonight's winners will be taking home

one of these delicate Faberge-style snow globes.

SMASHING

Oh, have we got any more of those?

On with the show and here's a sneaky peek at the wintry awards

up for grabs tonight...

Now, it is difficult to fully appreciate

the freezing Arctic conditions of the Winter Wipeout course.

The first accolade is the Numb and Number award which recognises

those contestants who suffer what's known as brain freeze -

a debilitating condition whereby extreme cold

numbs the part of the brain responsible for basic motor function

and low-level decision-making.

The nearest you will come to experiencing this phenomenon

is the common ice lolly as I shall now demonstrate

with this own-brand fruits-of-the-forest icy pop.

Aargh! No, actually, that's...that's fine.

Ah-la, ah-la, ah-la, yeah, heads going numb now... Even number.

Ah. Now I'm stuck. Let's just go to the awards.

The Number and Number award. Oh, this is tricky.

So, just to be clear, every single one of these competitors

has one thing in common, they all did something monumentally stupid

the moment they were exposed to the cold.

-The stairs, John. MUFFLED:

-Can you say sausages? I can't!

You're going the wrong way.

Just go to the other side.

Yes!

Argh!

So, in third place, it's the dancing DJ, Trevor -

a deserving Numb and Number contestant, thanks to this.

Yo to my DJ homies, I'm going to smash this track,

when we play our music, cos the other contestants

are wickedy, wickedy, wickedy, wah.

Yeah, not that, thanks to this.

Yah, he certainly enjoyed, erm, getting to know the snowman.

I don't think that's going to work.

Embarrassing one-off? Not for serial snowman snogger, Trev.

He just couldn't get enough.

A textbook case of brain freeze.

Although which actual textbook I'm not sure.

Trevor's having an affair with the snowman.

Taking the runners-up prize, which means he gets nothing,

it's Olly Pudding, the Christmas pudding maker.

He got all the way to the Wipeout Zone before the cold got to him.

Timing - awful. Result - joyful.

But the hands-down winner of the Numb and Number award is this lady,

Dawn French.

Oh, well done. Well done.

Unlike the famous Dawn French,

this Dawn French used to be a bodybuilder.

Only one little bit to go, Dawn. You can do it.

So, after being dunked in the icy water and beaten up by the qualifier,

Dawn was moments away from triumph

but then her frontal lobe froze resulting in this.

I live in a bungalow. We don't have any stairs. Just not used to them.

Yeah, apparently her bungalow does have two giant bucking foam logs, though.

She was good at those, just not stairs.

Well done, Dawn French two, the first recipient of a Winter Wipeout

snow globe.

I'm playing a trick on Mr Monkey.

This is going to be good.

That's because the next award celebrates those contestants

who cleverly shield their faces from the full impact

of a blow by placing their noses in the way, as I will now demonstrate.

Oh, Monkey, I've got a present for you.

Oh, there must be something wrong with the spring.

Anyway, here's But Luckily My Nose Got In The Way award.

I'm not falling for that. Well, there must be something up with it.

Ooh-yah! But Luckily My Nose Got In The Way award.

We've all got noses.

# Everybody hurts... #

We use them to smell.

We use them to pick.

And we use them to balance spectacles on.

But these contestants found a whole new use for them.

The perfect shield from ice-clad spring-loaded high-velocity

Argentinian obstacles.

At number 10 in the But Luckily My Nose Got In The Way award

it's Eamonn O'Cartwheel, that's not his real name.

Oh, you're just so gorgeous.

You're more beautiful in real life than I could ever imagine.

The Irish charm ran out, though, somewhere around Granny's house.

Eamonn used to have a good nose

for a bargain but now no longer has a nose at all really.

Oh, she's a wicked granny, that's all I can say.

In at number nine, it's Limbo Laura, the London-based marketing executive.

She didn't limbo the second big ball, though.

Just nose-butted it instead.

DIVE BOMBER SOUND EFFECT

Nose first! There it is.

At number eight...

I'm going to impress that guy from Top Gear.

He's going to be like, "Hey, Don Asad come here, cos I want to kiss your rear."

-Pow!

-Medium Don Asad did impress me,

though not quite in the way he hoped.

His beard just got in the way!

Yeah, his beard and his nose.

Mostly the nose. In fact, it was all on the nose.

FANFARE

I'm still a bit dizzy, so let's get busy.

This farmer's going for gold!

Taking the number seven spot is Dorset farmer Jet Tractor Tristan.

He did this in the Wipeout Zone.

Look, no hands!

Oh, look, massive nose-ache.

Number six belongs to Erica Bird-u, so called because she works in a bird shop or something.

I don't know.

Oh, that's swift.

Woodpecker? It could be.

Right on the beak. There it is.

Oh.

There'll be more of But Luckily My Nose Got In The Way

later on in the show.

It's a cliffhanger.

Of sorts. But now for something important - and cue the music.

SOLEMN ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

In 19...er,

an expedition led by a man named Shackleton

set sail for the uncharted wastelands of Antarctica.

His aim, to reach the South Pole.

Instead, he and his men got stuck in ice, lost their ship,

and had to eat their shoes.

From that day on, no-one has forgotten the name Barry Shackleton(!)

This year, for the first time, comes the prestigious Shackleton award,

in recognition of those who've struggled in the face of adversity

without giving up, or eating their shoes.

Tonight, we honour three such contestants. But first, this.

And now, the first Shackleton award.

MUSIC: "I Want To Break Free" by Queen.

This is Jane.

Not Plain Jane, Insane Jane.

With this feather duster in hand, this domestic goddess is here to clean up Winter Wipeout.

This 34-year-old housewife from Dublin proved

she was anything but ordinary

by throwing down her feather duster, rolling up her shirt sleeves and doing this.

Oh, my God!

SHE LAUGHS

No regard for her own safety whatsoever!

Insane Jane may have earned her nickname

with this kamikaze leap on the big balls,

but it didn't end there. Oh, no.

Her vice-like grip and steely determination on the ski lift

would have made Shackleton proud.

As others fell around her, Jane just kept hanging on.

SHE SCREAMS

Come on, Jane!

-JANE SCREAMS

-And on.

# I will survive...

And on.

In fact, this woman would not let go.

Hang on to your feather duster, Jane.

JANE SCREAMS

-Oh, this is too much.

-Look at the upper strength on that.

All that feather dusting is coming in really handy.

Despite taking more of a battering than anybody else,

Insane Jane almost made it through to the next round.

People kept falling off and I was thinking, "Oh my God, I'm still here."

I know I did myself proud and I think John and the kids will recognise that.

But moments away from a place in the next round this happened.

One away.

Hopefully, I did myself proud.

You did the whole nation proud, and that's why you're the winner

of the first Shackleton Award, a fitting accolade

to your determination - and something else for you to dust.

Time now for some organised fun, which is brilliant because I love fun.

You at home can join in with this simple multiple-choice quiz. Ready? Great.

Because it's time for the game I like to call Granny's Game.

Round 1.

Brilliant. Granny's Game. This should be good.

Why is sales assistant Mark looking so miserable?

Did he get hit by...

Shout out your answer now.

This is tricky. I'm going to say Granny unleashed Tevez.

My answer's Tevez.

OK, here goes. Oh!

He didn't even get past the pie!

So the correct answer was A, the pie.

Tricky. This is good.

There'll be another round of Granny's Game later in the show. I can't wait.

Now, the perfect Wipeout is all about speed and timing

and, as everyone knows, Granny is an expert at both.

Her ability to outrun and outwit the contestants is legendary.

In fact, according to Wipeout statistician Dr Mop,

a staggering 71% of the contestants couldn't even get past the pie.

"Oh, really?" you're probably saying to yourself.

"Surely any wallyhead could make it past the pie?"

Well, let me demonstrate.

Oh, Monkey, pie, please.

See if you can dodge thi...

Yeah. So if you don't want to end up with pie in your face at Granny's house,

here are some top tips.

Lesson 1, Granny's pie is always aimed at head height,

so ducking is strongly advised.

Lesson 2, if you do manage to duck the pie, don't then stand up again

and get hit by the front door. This isn't rocket science.

Lesson 3, try to keep quiet.

You really don't want to wake up Granny's dog, Tevez.

Lesson 4, if you're still standing after dodging the pie and the front door and Tevez,

there is a teeny-tiny sliver of a shadow of a glimmer of a chance

you might, you just might, make it.

-Oh! Oh!

-BARKING AND SCREAMING

But it's pretty unlikely.

Oh, I think she just lost her teeth.

However, every now and again, there's a contestant who ignores all of these lessons

and gets walloped by absolutely everything.

It's an achievement of such rarity and beauty,

that in Argentina they instantly declare a three-day holiday,

which quite often irks the contestant coming up next.

It's time to find out whose name has been knitted into Granny's tea cosy of destruction.

Granny's Grand Slam award.

And the winner this year is Lawrence.

Very much your average 46-year-old ballet-dancing driving instructor from Twickenham.

No mirrors, no signal, just...

..manoeuvre.

Lawrence made light work of the snowmen.

-Whoo hoo-hoo!

-Then it all started to unravel.

Pie, got hit by that. Front door -

got hit by that, too. Pontoon -

that's not an obstacle, tripped over that. Tevez -guess what?

Then for an encore, Lawrence got clipped by the back door, too.

SHE LAUGHS

And if you missed that, here it is again.

Lawrence didn't so much make a meal of it,

as tuck into a 19-course banquet complete with tiny coffee

and those funny mints they give you in restaurants. He went for it.

Argh!

FANFARE

And that's why he wins Granny's Grand Slam Award.

Lawrence there, reminding us that all grannies are evil.

But grannies aren't the only conduits of evil on the course.

There have been many new and cruel obstacles that have struck fear

into the hearts of the contestants.

So much so, that they've added extra chlorine to the water -

for "accidents".

So this next award is for the most 'orrible obstacle.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

And the abominations are the stomach-whirling lawyer-concerning lunch extractor,

the 'orrible Winter Whizzy.

Aled Jones's worst nightmare, the 'orrible Snowmen Splat.

Built by a bloke who lacked a basic understanding of physics and safety, it's the 'orrible Flinga-majig.

And, finally, the 'orrible Ski-lift, a senseless waste of diesel and used tractor parts.

And, the 'orrible winner is Ski-lift.

Time to take a moment to remember the litany of casualties,

broken dreams and near-death experiences caused by the Ski-lift.

# Deep in the ocean Dead and cast away

# Where innocence is burned

# In flames A million miles from home

# I'm walking ahead # I'm frozen to the bones

# I am a soldier on my own

# I don't know the way

# I'm riding up the heights of shame

# I'm waiting for the call The hand on the chest

# I'm ready for the fight

# And fate... #

CONTESTANTS SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

The Ski-lift has pummelled the great, the good

and all the other Winter Wipeout competitors, too.

But let's take a moment to honour the one contestant who got more smackulated

by the most 'orrible obstacle that anyone else did ever.

It's The Most 'Orrible Dismount From The Most 'Orrible Obstacle Award.

-These titles are getting tricky, they really are.

-FANFARE

And the winner of The Most 'Orrible whatsit from the other thingy is Roller Steph.

In a crowded and painful category,

Steph stood out as the most painful and categorical of all.

SHE SCREAMS

Not 180, not 360,

Steph wins for pulling off this stunning

450-degree rotating air bomb.

I was extremely nervous and really trying to concentrate on not landing in the water all the time.

An extraordinary achievement. Well done Steph.

-Yes, that's one for the girls.

-FANFARE

Now, later on, I'll be announcing the winner of my favourite obstacle.

(It's the Blob.)

But now, I thought I'd do a joke round about here.

I'm going to do a prank on the monkey.

You see, I've put this incredibly strong instant glue on this banana

and I'm going to stick it to the floor, there.

(He won't be able to pick it up.)

Which reminds me of the next award.

It's the Help, I'm Stuck And I Want To Get Off Award.

Right, here goes. I reckon there. Oh, no. Oh.

Eugh.

-FANFARE

-The Help, I'm Stuck And I Want To Get Off Award.

Hello, Dr Morris? Hammond.

Yeah. It's happened again.

No, it's a banana this time.

# Stuck on you... #

The Help, I'm Stuck And Want To Get Off Award celebrates those contestants

who got stuck on something and wanted to get off.

Sort of self-explanatory. It's all in the title.

Ow!

At number five, it's John the Cherry Man,

who ended up feeling a right lemon with this peach of an effort on the Ro-terror-tator.

John really wanted to get off, but he couldn't, because he was stuck.

That's how it goes, you see, stuck.

We've thought this through, haven't we?

At number four, I present Bolshoi Benny,

the ballet enthusiast/librarian from East London.

Argh!

Benny really wanted to get off the Log Jam.

Oh, it's all very Bolshoi.

But he couldn't, because,

you've guessed it,

he was stuck.

Argh!

I had no idea it was going to be so kind of...

mental.

At number three, it's Ollie Pudding again, this time on the Impossible Snowflakes.

Most people found these impossible to get on. For Ollie,

it was quite the opposite.

Never happened before or since.

Argh!

FANFARE

At number two, its Deadly Mumtaz, the martial-arts teacher from Bradford.

MUSIC: "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas

I'm going to show you that the female of the species

is more deadly than the male.

# Everybody was... #

RICHARD CHUCKLES

She got stuck on the fourth candy hoop and couldn't get off.

Deadly.

AMANDA GIGGLES

But the winner is Abby Tash and her fantash-tic effort on the crankshaft,

and I really do mean ON the crankshaft.

Wow!

Abby wins the Help, I'm Stuck And I Want To Get Off Award

for being the first person to achieve a full rotation on the crankshaft

and complete Blunderland at the same time.

-That is just showing off.

-FANFARE

That was so cool.

I've never done anything like that before.

That was awesome.

And now for something important.

And cue music.

SEDATE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC

That's right, it's serious time, the second Shackleton Award,

a prestigious moment. But first, this.

And now, the Shackleton Award... after this.

Agh.

And now tonight's second Shackleton Award.

-And end the music.

-MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Awarded for battling in the face of adversity,

it's the second Shackleton Award.

I'm invincible.

Remember Mr Lee, the IT manager from Barnsley?

I need a little bit of help here, so if you give me a little push.

He was the one who was a wrestler in his spare time.

Mr Lee wins the second Shackleton Award tonight for outstanding resolve

in the face of insurmountable odds.

By the time he'd made it to Granny's house, he was spent.

BARKING

SHE LAUGHS

But did he give up? Oh, no.

Even after Granny's House, when he was dead on his feet, did he give up? No.

Though, on health grounds, he probably should have done. Most doctors would agree about now.

Oh, Mr Lee is having a moment.

But, no, Mark dragged himself up, took a big, deep breath,

adjusted himself,

and promptly knelt back down again.

He shook his head and then he got back up again,

and through the jaws of knackeredom...

Come on, Mr Lee.

..he prepared to take on the mightiest foe of all, the big red balls.

With the spirit of Shackleton, he stepped onto the stairs.

With the dogged determination of an Arctic adventurer, he stepped onto the travelator.

But even though Mark fell off the big red balls,

and quite awkwardly, too, he still made it to the finish,

albeit in seven minutes and something or other.

SHE ROARS

But he finished, that's the thing.

And that, Mr Lee, is why Winter Wipeout salutes you with a Shackleton Award.

It's a big honour.

FANFARE

I thought I was in shape, but, after that, I think I need to get back to the gym.

Time for another round of Granny's Game.

Why does fish finger-loving Katie look so glum?

Did she get hit by...

Choose now.

OK, so it was the pie last time.

I'm going to go for the front door this time.

-Oh!

-HE CHUCKLES

-So close.

Right in the deep fat fryer.

The answer was A, the pie. Again. I was sure it was going to be the front door. It was the pie.

Earlier in the show, I began the countdown from ten

in the But Luckily My Nose Got In The Way Award.

Time now to continue that countdown with...

Oh, what's gone wrong with the lights?

Er, candle!

Thank you.

So time for more of But Luckily My Nose Got In The Way.

I smell vanilla. Is this thing scented?

-EXPLOSION

-Argh!

At number five, Guinea Pig Mel,

who bravely tested every obstacle of the all-new Winter Wipeout course.

-SHE SQUEALS

-Oh!

With her nose.

But it was at Granny's House

-where Mel really got hammered on the hooter.

-BARKING

LAUGHTER

Everything seemed to hit me. Once it hits you, it knocks your breath out.

# Take my breath away... #

Mel, there, having the smile - and her nose - wiped off her face.

At number four, it's Howling Mark,

the rocker with an eye for a good riff.

He had a massive hit, right on the nose.

Agh.

ALL: Oh!

Howling Mark there, using his snout

to deflect the full force of the sweeper arm.

Very clever.

At number three, Vegan Marina, the 24-year-old vegan cupcake maker from Harlow.

Turns out the Log Jam doesn't like vegans.

-Or noses.

-SHE SHRIEKS

Oh!

I think I did well, honestly.

# Marina... #

Evidently that bump on the conk sent Vegan Marina

a little bit nuts.

FANFARE

At number two, I give you Gritty Tony.

I'm right here with you, Tony.

He gave it his all

and showed everyone some true Yorkshire grit and determination.

BARKING

Come on, be careful of the dog.

Step over it, Tony, step over it.

That's it, well done.

It was actually quite moving.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Until that happened.

Tony there, a worthy runner-up in the Luckily My Nose Got In The Way Award.

MUSIC: "Everybody Dance Now" by C+C Music Factory.

Hey! Are you dancing to C+C Music Factory

while I was sticking my nose back on? Sweet moves!

Later, I'll reveal the winner of Luckily My Nose Got In The Way Award.

But time now for the Winter Wipeout Dance Award. And, freestyle!

FANFARE

It's the Winter Wipeout Dance Award.

In this series, booties have been jiggled, hips have been wiggled, and boogies have been woogied.

What's more exciting is that, tonight,

you get to vote for your favourite disco diva via our live phone-in,

which is amazing, because I didn't even know this show was live.

Here are the nominations and the numbers to call.

First up is dad-dance master Stephen.

If you want to vote for him dial the number on your screen now.

Then, there's Abby Tash,

that's a different number from the first one,

so to vote for her, dial this number.

Then there's Maria Malinka.

Her number is different, so you don't vote for the others

by mistake, when you wanted to vote for her.

Her number is this.

And, finally, who could forget Mark?

There's his utterly unique number there.

Our operators are waiting for your call.

Any second now.

Any second.

It could be... It could be...now!

Oh.

No, nothing. Nothing.

Er...

DIALLING TONE

It's odd, because there is definitely a dialling tone.

Let's go to a break.

Roll intermission VT in five, four, three, two...

PEARL & DEAN THEME

Oh, intermission.

Intermission.

# Ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba ba-ba... #

Intermission.

Do I have to keep saying this every time?

PHONE RINGS

Brilliant! At last.

Hello, Winter Wipeout Dance Award hotline, Richard speaking.

Er... Excellent. We've got a vote for Margherita. Hold on, we haven't got a Margherita.

Oh, my pizza's ready. (I'll come outside and pick it up. Thank you.)

(Have you got my chicken wings this time?) Brilliant. OK. Bye.

Wrong number.

Three, two, one.

-PEARL & DEAN THEME

-End of intermission.

Welcome back. Well, the phones have not stopped ringing.

I can safely say that the vote is neck and neck.

There's literally nothing between the four nominees.

Seems we might be here for a while, which is convenient

because it's time now for the Longest Wipeout Zone award.

Yep. Not the quickest, not the best, but the longest.

FANFARE

And it goes to Ross. Here he is, looking all happy.

But he didn't stay happy for long.

Ross literally got off to a flying start.

But then they all do, because of the flingy-ma-jig.

And then it all started to go a bit wrong.

Ross fell off the icy stairs.

Then he fell off the icy picks.

And then he fell off again.

And again.

And again.

For Ross, the Wipeout Zone was less of a final round

and more of a gap year in South America.

But did he give up? No.

And when he finally made it to the stairs,

something had stirred within Ross. Suddenly, everything had changed.

CLAPPING

THEY CHANT: Ross, Ross, Ross.

He was a man on the edge, willing to fight to his last breath.

But then he fell off again!

In fact, Ross fell off a total of eight times.

Considering there are only four real obstacles, that's quite a lot.

But he persevered and made it to the end. What a guy!

'I do hope that the football team will be quite proud.'

I always try and get the message across to them as to never give up, never surrender.

I showed that out there, so it's time they started showing that on Sunday morning.

Ross completed the Wipeout Zone in 9 minutes and 13 seconds.

He may have missed out on £10,000 but he does go away with a Winter Wipeout snow globe.

I know which one I'd prefer!

9,950... £10,000. Excellent!

It's all there.

Now, as we all know, it's not just about the money. Oh no!

It's also about being ridiculously happy.

Which conveniently brings me to the next award.

My favourite contestant.

And why are they my favourite contestant?

Because they made me smile.

FANFARE

And the winner of My Favourite Contestant Award is...

Ffion, a 23-year-old shop assistant from Ammanford in Wales.

How are you feeling to be standing here, Ffion?

Really excited! I can't wait to have a go!

I can't wait either, because I guarantee you,

Ffion will make you smile.

SCREAMS

See? Come on, you're smiling now! You are!

OK, if you're still not smiling, you definitely will be in a moment.

Any moment now. Prepare. Massive smile, heading your way!

SCREAMS

See? Amanda's smiling, I'm smiling, Mr Mop's smiling.

Mr Mop's always smiling, to be fair. It doesn't count!

Time to sit back. Forget your troubles and let Ffion spread the happiness. Go on, Ffion.

Make us smile.

BARKING

SCREAMS

SCREAMS

AMANDA CHUCKLES

SOUND EFFECTS: "Ohh, ahh, ohh, ahh!"

You see, you're lighter already.

And that's why, Ffion, you win My Favourite Contestant Award.

Well done, and thank you for the smiles.

Yeah, I think it went well.

Like I did everything. I think I got knocked off like, everything.

Just glad I finished.

So, just glad it's done like.

Yeah.

So, Ffion was my favourite contestant,

but what is My Favourite Winter Wipeout obstacle?

Could it be The Blob? (Yeah, it is, definitely.)

(It's The Blob, I said so.) Or is it the Crankshaft?

(No, it wasn't, it's The Blob.)

Or could it be the Icy Stairs?

(It's not the Icy Stairs. It's The Blob.)

So, time to end all this suspense and reveal the winner

of My Favourite Obstacle Award. It is...

The Blob. (I told you, didn't I? It's The Blob.)

FANFARE

Time to sit back, relax

and enjoy the beauty that is The Blob.

SCREAMING

MUSIC: "My Favourite Game" by The Cardigans

# I don't know what you're looking for

# You haven't found it, baby That's for sure

# You rip me up You spread me all around

# In the dust of the deed of time

# I'm losing my favourite game

# You're losing your mind again

# I'm losing my baby

# Losing my favourite game... #

Whoo!

Time for another round of the game nobody's talking about.

Why is Mikey looking so out of sorts?

Did he get hit by...

Choose now. If I don't get it right this time, I'm giving up.

I think trick question. Don't think he gets hit by anything.

That's my answer. Nothing.

No, come on! Not the pie again!

What a surprise! It was A - the pie.

Again! I'm beginning to think this game is rubbish.

The Winter Wipeout course is made up of many, many ingredients -

foam padded steel, slippery snow, pneumatic machinery,

exposed water, gigantic rotating mechanisms, loose projectiles,

narrow elevated beams and unqualified maintenance staff.

However, despite ingenious hazards, you can't beat a good old...

SLAP

Our next snow globe honours the timeless classic, the comedy slip.

SCREAM

Over the series there have been some fantastic slips and slides.

Some parts of the course

are in need of a good gritting, like the approach to Granny's House.

But thankfully the budget didn't stretch that far.

From a technical perspective, the perfect comedy slip is achieved

when the feet are thrown above the head of the slippee,

before their body even hits the ground.

With that in mind, it's easy to understand why the award

for Best Comedy Slip goes to motivated mum Nicky.

Look at that! Absolutely top-quality. Perfection, in fact.

Both feet aligned at a perfect 90-degree angle to her torso

and then she follows the slip with a splash!

Joyous! That is world-class slippage. Well done, Nicky.

Winner of the Comedy Slip Award.

Granny needed one of them.

But she got in first. All power to Granny!

We've all heard of Hadrian's Wall, the Berlin Wall,

and the Great Wall of China.

But in the barren ice sheets of Antarctica, there is another wall.

Etched for eternity upon this towering edifice are the names

of all the champions ever to have defeated the Big Red Balls.

A list stuck to my fridge door would probably have done.

Many have tried, many have failed, but a select few,

a special breed, a band of the best of the best,

took on the Winter Wipeout Big Red Balls and conquered them.

It is time to honour the Big Ball Crossers.

He was the ice sculptor from Harrogate, Jibberish Jon.

There's nothing small about this man. It's Height-ily Challenged Ed.

From Harlow, 24-year-old cupcake maker Vegan Marina.

He was the ballet-dancing driving instructor from Twickenham,

Ballet Driver Lawrence.

32-year-old detective from Gloucester, Suspicious Helen.

Ipswich's most nimble delivery driver, Tappy Toes Tom.

25-year-old coffee shop supervisor, Campuccino Mikey.

AMANDA LAUGHS

And from Middlesex, it's John the Cherry Man.

Yes!

But there were two contestants for whom doing it once was not enough.

Show-offs! No. Short Shorts Dan from Warrington came back

and conquered the balls a second time.

So did police officer Beep Man John.

We will forever remember all ten of these prestigious ball-crossers,

their names etched in perpetuity

onto the Big Red Ball-Crossers' Ice-Wall of Fame.

Oh, it's melted.

Already tonight, I've revealed the runners-up

in the But Luckily My Nose Got In The Way award,

but the time has come now to announce the winner.

I might just sit back and watch this with a biscuit.

Monkey, bring hither a biscuit.

Thank you, my furry ape friend.

Wait a minute, there's something up here.

Those aren't Garibaldis, they're Jammie Dodgers.

I like Jammie Dodgers. D'you know what might be fun?

I might try and eat these without using my hands.

A-a-agh! That really hurt!

MUSIC: "Going Underground" by The Jam

And the winner is London Underground worker Patrick.

There are two reasons why Patrick wins this award.

Firstly, he really hit the buffers at Granny's House.

Hoo-ha-ha!

But secondly, his nose luckily took the full force of the blow,

thus protecting his goggles.

See?

Oh, no. No, they have snapped, they've snapped. Yeah, they did.

Oh, well. Congratulations, Patrick,

the winner of the But Luckily My Nose Got In The Way award.

So, the Patrick Line won,

but we should also remember the scores of Winter Wipeout contestants

who've put their noses in the line of duty for our endless amusement.

MUSIC: "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.

A-agh!

Oww, indeed! And believe me when I say I know how that feels!

It is time now for the next award,

and that award is the Unfortunately, My Entire Face Got In The Way award.

Oh, come on! Not my whole face!

A-a-aow!

MUSIC: "Shaddap You Face" by Joe Dolce

This award honours those contestants...

..who didn't just use their noses...

..to shield themselves from physical injury.

Oh, Dawn!

Oh, no. These contestants were much smarter.

Yep, they used their whole face instead.

So, who's in third place?

Oh, look. It's Deadly Mumtaz again.

I'm going to show you that the female of the species

is more deadly than the male!

We know. You mentioned that before.

This master of jiu-jitsu may have five black belts to her name,

but there was a surprise in store on the hoops.

Years of intensive training kicked in as Mumtaz broke her fall

by cleverly placing her face in the way.

See? Deadly stuff.

In second place, it's Katri,

the Marilyn Monroe-loving boxer from Finland.

It was a spirited run down the travelator,

but that momentum was stopped dead in its tracks,

as Katri cleverly put on the brakes with her face.

Katri reprised her unique obstacle-stopping tactic

when she returned to compete for the final.

Again, she used her face to defend her body from Granny's front door.

Wedded to this strategy, she did it again.

That's got to hurt, I imagine.

But the winner of the Unfortunately, My Face Got In The Way award

is Baz, the baby-faced tennis coach who worked in Santa's Kitchen

just off the A21 in Kent.

Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme! Get on up, it's Wipeout time!

Aww! Baz wasn't quite so fresh-faced after getting his face bashed

by every available face-bashing obstacle on the course.

My tactics were, "Do it as quick as you can, never give up. Go, go, go.

"Go for everything, and the speed is as fast as you can."

Less haste, more speed. Wise words from one so young.

Baz certainly did the course at speed and received quite a beating.

If you are at all squeamish, then you may want to look away now.

Yeah, see what I mean? And that's why Baz wins

the Unfortunately, My Face Got In The Way award.

And now, for the third and final Shackleton award

for bravery in the face of adversity. Music, please.

There can be but three winners of this award,

and two have already been announced.

They were strong, they were courageous

and I can't remember their names off the top of my head.

Was it Tango and Cash, or am I thinking of something else?

Anyway, it's time to salute the final recipient

of the incredibly serious Bernie Shackleton award.

But first, this.

And this.

And also, this.

Ha-ha! Right in the face! Time now for the final Shackleton award.

And the final Shackleton award goes to Gritty Tony,

-for showing true courage...

-Come on, Tony!

-..in the face of adversity.

Tony deserves this award because, from the moment he set foot

on the Qualifier course, it was clear he was struggling.

A lesser man would have thrown in the towel, but there was one thing

that the Winter Wipeout Qualifier course hadn't banked on.

Tony was from Yorkshire.

Yorkshire grit! Yorkshire! Yorkshire! Yorkshire! Yorkshire!

-Yorkshire! Yorkshire!

-Is he from Yorkshire(?)

Yes, he was from Yorkshire.

Tony had trained for months to make it onto the Winter Wipeout course.

His friends back home didn't believe he could do it.

I didn't believe he could do it. Nobody believed he could do it.

But he did do it. He did do it, didn't he? Does he do it? Does he?

One last log.

Because sure, Tony might not be the most lithe of athletes.

Yes, he might not be the nimblest of sportsmen.

And like a lump of Yorkshire coal, he might be rough around the edges.

But in his heart, there lies a diamond, and there's only one thing

tougher than diamond... and that's Yorkshire grit!

Nearly there!

Nearly there.

Because that is what Tony is! Yorkshire grit.

Well, not actual Yorkshire grit.

I don't know where I'm going with this,

but as long as Tony keeps going and Jerusalem keeps playing,

and we all keep standing, I shall keep talking.

Oh, the music's stopped. I'll stop talking now.

A wise man once said, "If you think you can, you can.

"And if you think you can't, you're right."

I have no idea what that means, but it doesn't matter,

because Tony wins the final Shackleton award.

I told everyone I were going to do it. And I've gone and done it.

I can't believe it.

I thought I were going to give up halfway round.

But I knew, too many people watching. I weren't doing it for me.

It were my, my Yorkshire.

Time for the final round of the quiz I wish I'd never created.

Did she just get hit by...?

Oh, OK, the first guy got hit by the pie, then it was the pie,

and then it was the pie again.

I think there's a pattern emerging. There is! I've cracked it.

It's Tevez!

Oh, was that the pie again?!

Predictably, it was the pie! Brilliant(!) The pie.

Yeah, I know, it's the pie. It's all right, I've got it now.

It's the pie! Oh, woo-hoo(!) The pie, yes.

Just give it a rest!

I hate this game.

Climate change. Tricky business, isn't it?

That's climate change covered. Next, I want to talk about fashion.

I think everybody at one time or another has reflected

on fashions they wore in their youth that in retrospect, they regret.

For example.

Just didn't suit me. Hair worked, though.

Manly, yes. Fashionable, no.

How did you get that? I mean, that's not me! Anyway, move on.

Which brings me to the next snow globe,

the I Regret Wearing That Now award,

which celebrates clothing that was not only unfashionable

but also inappropriate for wintry conditions, or athletic pursuits.

MUSIC: "No Regrets" by Dappy

# I don't even recognise myself

# I got the heart of a winner

# But looking back at me is someone else

# No regrets, no regrets

# No point in crying over yesterday

# No regrets, no regrets

# Cos you ain't even seen the best of me

# No regrets Cos when I look in the mirror

# I don't even recognise... # Wardrobe malfunction.

# ..I got the heart of a winner

# But lookin' back at me is someone else

# No regrets, no regrets

# No point in crying over yesterday... #

Aaah! A-agh.

Have his pants fallen down?

Zee!

Runner-up in the I Regret Wearing That Now award is Angela.

There were some pretty cheeky contestants

who took on the Winter Wipeout course,

but Angela's wardrobe malfunction

earns her an undisputed second place.

I've got to say, I don't think the Log Jam was too impressed.

A word of warning to anyone

thinking of taking on the Winter Wipeout course.

Don't forget to put some trousers on.

I apologise to everyone for the exposure of my...

And the winner of the I Regret Wearing That Now award

is computer games enthusiast Pac-Sam.

Or more technically, his bandanna.

Sam regretted his bandanna so much, that he finally threw it away,

before putting it back on to do an interview.

Absolute idiot is what I looked like in the end with this bandanna on.

Completely backfired.

Yeah, although it did earn you the I Regret Wearing That Now award.

Well done, Sam.

And now, with fashion covered, I want to talk about style.

Style means something different to everyone.

To me, it means a little wooden step that helps you climb over a fence.

As Yves Saint Laurent once said, cue music.

He didn't say "Cue music", that was me just then.

He said, "Fashions fade, yet style is eternal."

And that's why he was so good at... was it tennis?

Tonight's penultimate award is in honour of those who,

whilst taking a beating on the Winter Wipeout course,

did it with grace, poise and dignity.

Contestants with style, we salute you!

MUSIC: "The Blue Danube" by Johann Strauss II

The Winter Wipeout Style Award recognises those contestants

who did something special, because if you're going to fall, fall with flair.

If you're going to plunge, plunge with panache,

and if you're going to leave, leave with style.

Runner-up is Suspicious Helen, with this sublime performance.

She had timing, she had grace, and she had bruises, I suspect.

At precisely the same time, she was matched by Donald Jack.

He had power, he had amazing upper body strength...

and an incredibly bouncy ribcage.

Together, they created something that was really quite exquisite.

But there can only be one winner of the Winter Wipeout Style Award,

and that goes to Bean-Powered Kim, who takes the prize for this.

Just look at the height,

the coordination, the blind panic,

the shape, the mid-air scissor kicks

and finally the face-bomb.

Magnificent!

She really is the whole package!

Stylish Kim, we salute you with the Winter Wipeout Style Award.

That dive, I think on an Olympic scale, would be nine out of ten.

That Tom guy, nowhere near as good as me.

So, what a show it's been.

Awards for bravery, for stupidity, for getting hit on the hooter.

Which leads us to the final award tonight,

Best Winter Wipeout Presenter.

This is an award I'm quietly confident of winning,

with me being the only presenter of the show, as well as Amanda.

I've got my speech prepared, practised my surprised face,

and already put an order in for the number plate W1N3R, spells Winner.

Here goes. The nominees for Best Winter Wipeout Presenter are...

How high did I go?

Wax-on, wax-off! Ah, come on!

Drum roll, please. Thank you.

And the winner is...

..it's a roll over.

That's brilliant, I could win it twice next year!

So that's it for the first ever series of Winter Wipeout.

All that remains is for me to say thank you to Amanda, and also

to each and every Winter Wipeout contestant in alphabetical order.

Here we go. Thanks, Aaron. Thanks, Alistair.

Thanks, Angela. Thanks, Amy...

MUSIC: "You Give A Little Love" by Paul Williams

Ready.

# We could have been anything that we wanted to be

# And it's not too late to change

# I'd be delighted to give it some thought... #

A-agh! A-agh! Rrr, I'm angry now!

# ..We could have been anything that we wanted to be

# Yes, that decision was ours

# It's been decided we're weaker divided

# Let friendship double up our powers

# We could have been anything that we wanted to be... #

Ha ha ha ha!

# Yes, that decision was ours

# It's been decided we're weaker divided

# Let friendship double up our powers... #

It's probably that thing I ordered.

Yep, yep. Very funny.

Kiss.

# ..You give a little love and it all comes back to you... #

CHEERING

# ..You know you're gonna be remembered

# For the things that you say and do... #

CHEERING

# ..You give a little love and it all comes back to you

# Da da da da-da-da-da You're gonna be remembered... #

If you've been inspired by what you've been watching

and want to have a go yourself, then please go to...

Don't bother reading the Terms and Conditions.

It amounts to, "It might hurt a bit, or a lot."

# ..You know you're gonna be remembered

# For the things that you say and do

# Da da da da-da-da-da

# You give a little love and it all comes back to you

# Da da da da-da-da-da

# You're gonna be remembered for the things that you say and do

# Da da da da-da-da-da

# You give a little love and it all comes back to you. #

Absolutely knackered! I'm not going to lie to you.

That was a lot tougher than what I expected!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd