Episode 9 Winter Wipeout

-Who's the Cherry Man?

-I think you're the Cherry Man.

I'm the Ice Cream Man!

But tonight on Winter Wipeout, everything changes.

Who's the Cherry Man?

-I'm thinking John's the Cherry Man.

-The Ice Cream Man is back!

The greatest Winter Wipeout contestants in history are back,

and this time, for the second time, it's serious.

But there can be only one series champion.

Let the wintry final begin!

Welcome to what I'm already calling the sporting event of the decade.

Feel free to join in with that. It's the inaugural Winter Wipeout final.

I've got my Des Lynam 'tache, my vintage jumper,

and my 1980s videprinter bringing you all the results as they happen.

Obviously nothing's actually happened yet.

Today's schedule looks like this.

12:15, live Winter Wipeout qualifying from Buenos Aires.

At 12:45, all the latest ski-lifting from Buenos Aires.

At 2:30, all your Winter Blunderland action from Buenos Aires.

There may be a delay but stick with us.

At 4:30 we'll go to Aintree for Final Score,

that's the Wipeout Zone.

After that, a special treat,

a brand new series of Strictly Little & Large.

That really is a smashing line-up.

Time to go to chief Winter Wipeout reporter Amanda Byram

using our state-of-the-art satellite link-up.

Amanda, what's the weather like by the course?

Pretty chilly, I expect.

Probably the satellite delay there.

While we wait for that to be fixed,

news just in from the Crucible, there's been a pitch invasion.

I'm not sure how that works.

I'm hearing we can now go over to Amanda.

Some come to conquer. Some come to entertain.

Some come to do both with a wardrobe that embarrasses the missus.

-How you doing, Ross?

-Really well, thank you.

Didn't want to mention the moustache but it's not been that long since I've seen you.

-What's with the facial hair?

-It's the champion show.

This is my serious look.

The moustache is there, psyching the competition out.

Ross, tell me about your last experience here.

You were fastest on the qualifier

yet victory in the Wipeout Zone eluded you. What happened?

Little arms.

Last time round, Ross struggled on the Wipeout Zone,

but he didn't give up.

Steely nerve and determination. How brave is Ross?

9:13, that is a series record. For the slowest run.

You and your facial furniture get out there and do it. Good luck.

Thank you very much.

I will now attempt the Winter Wipeout qualifier

without the aid of a safety net,

but this time with a magnificent moustache to cushion the blow.

He's not all right in the head, is he?

The moustache won't help, but talking of cushioning,

Ross is about to face the most dangerous cushion

the world has ever seen, because the Winter Blob is back!

What more fitting way is there to begin a sporting final

than to propel a human skyward using a barrel filled with wine?

Yes!

That is glorious.

Ross must now make his way to the next obstacle pretty quickly,

as there are 18 other finalists in the queue to beat his time.

Champions or no champions,

Granny's House has been a real hit this series.

So, here goes Ross, protective 'tache and all.

Ooh!

Actually, Granny's got a moustache, but it's bigger than Ross's.

Still has more of Granny's House to go. Come on.

I think just caught by Tevez the dog, missed the door,

and a beautiful dive.

Ross and his 'tache must take on the Big Red Balls.

Think there might be some 'tache wax on that second ball.

Just the Log Jam with added toast rack for Ross.

Looking pretty quick as well.

Ooh!

This is slowing him down somewhat.

As it is the final, the severity level on each obstacle

has been ramped up to "destroy" setting, as Ross has just found out.

Onto the second log, now he has to climb over that bar,

under it won't do.

Come on, the powers of the 'tache!

He's got the finish podium all over his 'tache.

Nevertheless, Ross climbs to the finish in 2:48,

but with some stiff competition,

will that be enough to earn him a place in the next round?

-How's that moustache holding up?

-It's still there.

Do you think it made you more aerodynamic?

It made me more dynamic.

Second to face the final qualifier today is good egg Amy.

Last time, Amy was inspired by her lucky egg to third

place in the Wipeout Zone.

I wonder if she's got any new tactics for us this time?

I'm not sure the pull-down woolly hat tactic is a goer.

No! Why would she do that?

Apparently that was Amy's stunt egg. What crazy mind games are these?

It looks like Amanda's been entrusted with the real lucky egg.

Come on, Amy, get cracking.

Oh, yes! Nose hold and away she goes. Beautiful.

That lucky egg seems to be helping

because Amy's made it to the Log Jam already.

Power's in the egg!

On the second, she's going over the bar, under the bar.

-Do it for your egg, Amy.

-Come on, Amy!

Oh, yes! What a good egg.

Amy finishes in 2:27. Amanda's so happy she could crush an egg.

No, she mustn't. Definitely don't.

She can't. Get comfortable, this could take some time.

-Ha-ha!

-Oh, there you go. Got there in the end.

I'm in the mood now for a champion,

and here's the first champion of the day.

This high-speed Dorset farmer ploughed a winning furrow

to win the trophy and £10,000.

What did your friends & family say?

My best friend came up to me and said, "How did you win Wipeout?

"You can't even walk up the stairs without falling down."

-I hope you don't come a cropper today.

-I'll do my best.

Now THAT is a proper job!

Ooh arr!

So the Dorset champion's at Granny's House for the second time.

Ooh, careful!

Yes, no! In the slurry.

First champion ball run of the day, here we go.

Yes, good!

Bad.

Tristan quickly to the Log Jam, this is looking good now.

-No, ooh!

-Hang on tight, Tristan!

Yes, onto the second log. He messed up here last time, so come on!

There's no dignity in this, is there?

Here we go. No, no! History repeating.

Sinister log operator 1, Tristan 0.

But Jet Tractor Tristan climbs to the finish podium

in the fastest time so far.

Who's pushing the button? He needs a slap.

Now for our runner-up.

This is Marilyn Monroe fan and boxer Katri Likes It Hot.

Just getting myself in the zone for a wintry chatette

with my favourite boxing make-up artist, Katri.

-How you doing?

-Hello, hello.

Let me just say, hair immaculate, make-up immaculate,

steely determination to win here today?

-You tell me.

-Absolutely.

Today I'm going to add some speed into the game.

-That's my tactic. Aaah!

-Rogue bee, nice!

This is it. Woohoo!

Floating like a butterfly!

Not exactly, but there's that rogue bee! It's overtaken her!

Katri's from Finland and hates cold water,

and she's come back for a second time.

Oh, she's stayed on!

No, she hasn't.

At least that bee can't get Katri underwater while she finds her head.

Second go now.

Oh, yes. Ouch!

This is horrific.

Oh!

Onto the balls now.

One, two, three, hang on!

Oh, no!

Oh, such a shame she didn't finish that!

# I'm just a girl...

On to the Toast Rack.

Ding ding ding.

Despite getting wet on every obstacle,

Katri tops the leaderboard with a magnificent:

This is Rob Boy and Olly Pudding,

both boxers, both champions

and both look so young,

they'd probably will spend their prize money on sweeties or comics.

He may look like a boy, but he's really a man.

Yeah, weird.

Er, OK.

What?

Here goes Rob Boy. Oh, yes, a flip.

There was nothing boyish about that, Rob Boy.

Well, with Rob past the Blob,

it's time for Granny's House.

This champion is being outboxed by a door.

Knockout.

Here's Olly.

Same place. These two do have a lot in common.

Right, here's Rob.

-Double knockout.

-Rob!

There's Olly, striding to the big red balls.

No, not good.

-And Rob, taking a more direct approach.

-Come on, Rob.

He's like Peter Pan.

-Third ball...

-Oh, no!

Last time round, Rob did a spectacular roll on the Log Jam.

Followed by an unspectacular slide off the finish podium.

Can Rob manage to make it on to the podium this time and stay there?

-Come on, Rob, you can do it.

-Nearly there. Nearly...

-Yea...

-No. No, he can't.

Here's Olly, and their times are looking pretty close at the moment.

Come on, Olly. Yes.

And a champion leap from Olly Pudding,

2:16 is the time.

But what's this? No way. It's a dead heat.

2:16 too.

It's a champion draw. If there is such a thing. Well, there is now.

There it is, look.

I wanted to go "Woo-hoo-hoo!" But it turned into an "Aaaghh!"

It wasn't nice.

So Katri Likes It Hot

has scorched into first place on this first Snowboard,

with those champions Olly and Rob in joint second.

Jet-Tractor Tristan's in fourth.

Good Egg Amy is fifth and currently in sixth is New Tache Ross.

Now, I have had a lot of enquiries about my jumper.

Like this letter, which caught my eye.

Mostly because of the red ink and capital letters.

It says, "Dear, Richard.

"Please, please, please, please, please, please can you tell me

"which shop you got your jumper from?"

That's nice. "So I know where to avoid..."

I should probably have read that silently to myself

before I read it out loud.

Never mind. So whilst this final is all about champions,

these next three competitors all came second in their Wipeout Zones.

Oh, hang on. This is a wind-up. No-one's actually called Gok Wan.

It's Speedy Pants Aaron. Catchphrase King John.

-And Soft-Scoop Stu.

-The ice-cream man is back.

But which of these three almost-champions will be the fastest?

-Stuart, what happened the last time you were here?

-I was ballistic.

No. THAT'S ballistic!

Here's Soft-Scoop Stu.

Ooh, hard wooden door.

And Speedy Pants Aaron.

Not speedy enough.

And Catchphrase King John.

Ooh. Ow. Not to worry, John loves to tell jokes. Apparently.

So here come the funnies.

Still smiling, I see, John.

Trying to, yes. CANNED LAUGHTER

Did you enjoy your experience last time?

Last time, I had a fantastic time.

I didn't really want to come back, I was forced onto the plane.

CANNED LAUGHTER

-Tell me about your last experience.

-I was in a library

and I started screaming and everybody said "Shh",

and on the flight here, I started screaming and everybody joined in.

-What do your family think about you being a finalist?

-They don't know I'm here.

I told them I was in Scotland, studying rocks. CANNED LAUGHTER

That's almost so funny it actually stopped being funny.

Now, you see, that was funnier. It was.

Last time, Aaron only missed out on championship glory

by the narrowest of margins.

Four seconds, which is far too close.

It was an expensive four seconds.

If you do it here today, Aaron,

-would you do something special with the money?

-Yes.

I'd use it very wisely

and I think my girlfriend might be in for a bit of a treat.

-You're going to take her for a burger?

-No.

So, Speedy Pants Aaron takes on the Big Balls for a second time.

Here we go, one, two, three... Hang on.

Come on, come on...

Oh, no. No!

Aaron has been slowed a bit by that ball fall.

One last jump to the finish podium.

Oh, no.

His girlfriend might not be getting that burger after all.

But here is Catchphrase King John.

And he has made it in a sOllyd 2:21.

Soft-Scoop Stu is the runner-up of these runners-up. 2:45.

And finally, Speedy Pants Aaron finishes in 3:18.

Now, remember Campuccino Mikey,

the dancing coffee-shop manager from Birmingham?

Oh, who left that latte glass there?

Now, he boogied his way into second place in the Wipeout Zone.

Looks like he's been limbering up for revenge.

# You make me feel

# Mighty real

# Well, you got me going like I knew you would

# And the music's in me and I feel real hot...

VOICE: Get on with it.

MUSIC STOPS

-Get on with it.

-Yeah.

Oh, yes, that's more like it!

I love this thing. Look.

Joining Mikey on the Travelator now.

Last time, Mikey walked straight off the second ball,

but can he give a more impressive performance this time?

Gingerly approaches. Oh, yes, this is good.

Yes. Yea... Hang on! Unbelievable!

Did you see that?

He was so quick, I almost missed it.

What beautiful choreography

and the only Ball Crossing in this final so far.

Oh, it's... I don't know, is it inspiration?

It's something? It's amazing.

Look, he just ran.

So, can he complete the set and make it over to the finish?

Come on, Mikey, come on.

Oh, he's crushed his macchiatos.

Despite that, Mikey tops the leaderboard

with an outstanding 2:07.

-I did the balls!

-Yes, you did.

If I don't get through the qualifier, I've done the balls.

And if I do go on and qualify, the other one's best watch out,

cos I'm not coming second again. No chance.

Aha, a fanfare.

Because this is the man who robbed Campuccino Mikey of that trophy.

-Dan!

-It's Dan,

holder of the record for fastest time on the Winter Wipeout Zone.

Hard luck, Mikey. Aw.

There is a feeling of magic in the air right now.

Not only am I joined by my favourite magician,

but also miraculous Wipeout winner, Dan from Herefordshire.

-How does it feel to be back?

-It feels amazing.

-I can't wait, I'm so...

-Dan's got no time for interviews. He's off.

Now that is magic.

Now you see him...

now you don't.

# Take me

# Baby, take me

# High up where...

Seems like he's got hours in the air

to read a book and think about stuff and then splash down.

Last time Dan took on Granny's House,

he got a door right in the Magic Circle.

So, can he use his magic powers to defeat Granny this time?

# Could it be magic now?

Ooh. No. No, he can't.

Ala-Ka-Dan's arch nemesis Mikey just crossed the balls,

so surely Dan can do it too?

-Oh, no.

-No!

It looked promising, it was a great start

but it sort of ran out of steam.

So, 2:07 is the target if Dan is going to beat Mikey.

And he is looking quick.

Yeah, the old leg trick.

Now you see it...

and now you don't. Ow.

Dan, no!

But what's this? Dan has beaten Mikey by eight seconds.

Ta-da!

So now he tops the board.

Dan, Dan, the magic man.

Could this be magic, oh?

-Oh?

-Oh.

-Oh?

-Hopefully.

-Oh?

-Oh.

-Oh?

-Phew.

Now, remember New School Cool Ben?

The two things you need to know about him are:

one, he was runner-up to Rob Boy.

And two, he doesn't like getting his hair wet. That's unfortunate.

HOOTER

Vertical. Good. Yes.

OK, here goes Ben to the balls.

All right, keep it cool. Look at that. Here he goes.

I've got a good feeling about this.

Ben, hold on. That's it, that's it.

Second ball, third, fourth. Come on. No...

-Oh, no!

-Oh, Ben!

Ben so nearly became today's second Ball Crosser.

That final leap wasn't quite far enough. Just the Log Jam to go.

On to the Toast Tack. Getting a bit of a jiggling there.

Ooh, yes, that was cool.

# He's going to blow your mind

# Superman

Wow. And that is the fastest time of the day so far.

There he is, New School Cool Ben tops the Snowboard.

Rob Boy and Olly Pudding in joint fifth.

Jet-Tractor Tristan down in eighth.

And Speedy Pants Aaron in 12th place.

Now for another returning champion. It's Short Shorts Dan.

Last time, Dan crossed all four Big Balls on his way to winning the 10,000.

You are the Winter Wipeout Champion!

It's time to see how this entertainments manager from Warrington fares this time.

To be a Winter Wipeout winner,

you have to be athletic, fearless and daring.

And in Dan's case, an entertainer with a big, massive pair of...

Er, trousers. No, that's just silly.

Ta-da! Dan, welcome back.

Last time, you had a big, massive pair of...

Alsatians? Why would it be Alsatians?

Yes, I did. Everyone thought I was a weed, but I proved them all wrong.

You certainly did, you and your big, massive pair of...

Spectacles. No.

Jazz hands. Ta-da!

Jazz hands, of course. Yeah, I knew that. OK.

Here we go. There they are in action. Look at that.

SERENE PIANO MUSIC

Short shorts and jazz hands still intact, that's good news.

Oh. That's not good news, that bit there. No.

-Right, here he goes again.

-Finger clicks.

DOG BARKS

Oh, dear.

What's happened to his jazz hands?

Yeah, I think they're still on that door, stuck to it.

Dan has already crossed the balls this series,

so he couldn't do it twice. I mean, you just do it once.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

He's on the second ball. Maybe he could do it again.

-Yes!

-What is going on today?

Dan has joined that even more exclusive group than the Ball Crossers Club.

He's joined the Twice Ball Crossers Club Club, thing, Club.

Just the brutal Log Jam to go. Got a good feeling about this as well.

Bit of a rattling on the Toast Rack,

but he's going to get back to his feet

any second now.

Over the toast. Oh, dear.

-And Dan finishes in 2:02.

-Jazz hands!

Just one second behind Snowboard topper Ben.

But crossing the Big Balls twice in a series is an achievement enough for any man.

From one champion to another. Beep Man John,

who's a pOllyceman and an expert at beep tests.

-Beep.

-beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-What?

-See?

Oh, John.

John delivered an arresting performance last time

and beat Speedy Pants Aaron and Good Egg Amy to take home the title.

You are the Winter Wipeout Champion!

Today, John is pitted against CID officer

and runner-up Suspicious Helen.

This speedy cop is back on the case

and I won't be happy with second place.

Here we go. And they're off. Yes. It's the Flying Squad!

Grudge match time, Granny versus John.

Yeah. Granny wins.

Suspicious Helen dodges the pie and the door. This is good.

-This is very goo... Oh, no.

-No!

Coppers to the balls. John crossed them last time.

Helen's on to ball two. And so's John.

Helen to ball three.

And so's John. This is getting weird.

Helen's on four. This is incredible.

John is as well. I cannot believe my eyes.

Look, Suspicious Helen becomes today's third Ball Crosser.

That is astonish... No way. Beep Man John becomes the fourth.

Utterly incredible stuff. This truly is a champions' show.

John getting roughed up by the Toast Rack, but he's hanging on.

What just happened?

OK, Helen's turn. She's landed butter side up.

How is she staying on this thing now? She's getting a battering.

I'm surprised she hung on as long as she did.

This truly is neck and neck

and both coppers reach the finish podium in 2:07.

This is astonishing. The final show keeps getting better and better.

I have never seen the videprinter looking like that.

Four Ball Crossers, it's just bonkers. OK, back to the action.

Purple skirt, man's shirt, yep, it's another John.

Gibberish John, the talkative ice-sculptor who came third in his Wipeout Zone.

He's going to be chatty, I just know.

I've come in white to blend into the background. Nice and white.

I've noticed that.

LAUGHS

It wasn't that funny, John.

Right, OK.

Granny won't like John's flamboyant hairstyle, I'm telling you now.

But he's past the front door. Great leap.

-Backdoor's got him.

-Oh, John!

Four Ball Crossers so far today, surely there won't be a fifth?

Will there? Hang on.

This is just... No way. It's happening again, isn't it?

-Five Ball Crossers!

-Yes!

-Awesome job from Gibberish John.

Whoa.

Log Jam on destroy setting again.

John's still on, though. No, no, he's not. He's off.

This is a very quick run, all the same.

-Gibberish John makes it to the finish in 2:06.

-Wipeout!

-Remember this guy? It's John.

-Who's the champion?

-Not you, John, you were runner-up.

-Who's the Cherry Man?

Yeah, that's right, John is the Cherry Man.

John, from Sunbury-on-Thames, how are you?

I am the Cherry Man, thank you, Amanda.

I hope you're going to be the cherry on the top of the chorus, John.

I'm back and I'm ready to win this. Who's the Cherry Man?

I think you're the Cherry Man.

The Cherry Man's back to take more flak.

Who's the Cherry Man? Aaggh!

I'm thinking John's the Cherry Man.

Who's the Cherry Man? Aaggh!

Ah, a late result straight from Amanda. John is the Cherry Man.

Thanks, Amanda.

HOOTER

That is some cherry juicing right there...John. Another John.

What's with all the Johns? Can we not have as many Johns next time?

There may be a lot of Johns today, but only one Cherry Man.

Oh, yeah. Here we go.

And he's straight on to ball two.

Hang on a minute, this is getting silly.

You don't think...

He's on the final ball. He's not going to...?

He has!

John the Cherry Man becomes the sixth Ball Crosser of the day.

This competition is just astounding.

# Sherry, can you come out tonight?

# Come, come Come out tonight... #

And he's made it.

-Yeah!

-Yes, yes, with two minutes 14,

John the Cherry Man has squeezed himself into the top 12.

Oh, oh.

Wow. This is all too much for me.

Aaah. Oh.

Right, just two more left in this qualifier

and they've got history with each other.

Hold onto your facial hair. This is the rematch of the century.

First, it's returning champion, Baby-face Baz the tennis coach.

-Last time he was here.

-Whoa.

Baz just beat Wheelie Dan the dustbin man to claim the crown.

Baz, you are the champion!

Let's rewind for a second. The gap between you and Baz, what was it?

Five seconds between us.

It's, you know, a slap in the face but he deserved it,

-he'd done harder, worked harder.

-Deserved a slap in the face?

Oh, yeah, he did, afterwards, I was close.

-Did the boy become a man here, last time, Baz?

-I did, indeed.

-I proved Danny that I was going to beat him. Grr.

-Grr.

It's the big finale. A fitting end to this final qualifier.

-Grr.

-Grr.

-Wahey!

When these guys eventually land, the battle is on. Here we go.

-Ha-ha.

-Whoa.

Here goes Dan. Right, oh, door's got him.

But he's back up, what a recovery.

Tevez the dog. Getting past, oh, yeah.

Nudged by the back door but still on.

So, Dan's archrival Baz, now.

Ow. Ow.

Baby-face smashed in.

Baz has handed Dan the advantage.

So, can Dan join the massed ranks of today's ball-crossers?

Whoa. Oh-ho-ho. Come on, oh, no.

Oh, he nearly made it with sheer momentum.

Dan was a bin bag's breadth from becoming the seventh

to get over those things today. That was amazing.

Baz is trailing a bit now.

This is an incredibly fast run, so far, from Wheelie Dan

Over the bar. Come on, nearly there.

-Oh, yeah, ow.

-Ah!

So, it's back to Baz who is some way behind Wheelie Dan, here.

How about a second slice of toast. Come on. Woo-hoo. He's still on.

Oh, makes he second log, under the bar. He's got go over. Over the bar.

Oh, and he is through to Ski Lift with two minutes 13.

But Wheelie Dan's handsomely beaten Baz with a time of one minute 54.

What a qualifier.

Wheelie Dan's shot to the top in this incredibly close qualifier,

only 22 seconds separating the top 12.

Suspicious Helen's in sixth. Beat Man John also in sixth.

And there's a tie in 12th place, Ollie Pudding and Rob Boy.

So, it's going to be a photo finish.

The photos, please. Thank you.

Well, um, that hasn't helped.

So, it's going to come down to fractions of a second, instead.

I'm not very good with fractions, I'll need my pencil case.

Set square. Compasses.

One of those.

Right, now, I just wait for the answer to come to me.

Ollie Pudding was quickest. Don't ask to see my working out.

So, now, it's time to say goodbye

to those not-quite-champion-enough champions,

who didn't make it to the Ski Lift.

# When you go

# Will you send back

# A letter from America?

# Take a look at the rail track

# From Miami to Canada. #

It's the final Ski Lift and the same rules apply.

12 champions and runners-up try to hang on in there

as the Scary Ski Poles get ever higher.

Last five still hanging are through to the next round.

The other seven take their seats on the losers' bench.

For the first time ever.

There's a big difference between a normal Ski Lift

and the final Ski Lift.

Oh, no, wait, there's not.

Except that this one might take a little bit longer

cos they're all really good. Rrr.

-Are you all already?

-Yeah!

Three, two, one.

CLAXON

He was the fastest binman in the qualifier. It's Wheelie Dan.

Baz, I'm taking you to the landfill, woop-woop!

Still having a go at his archrival.

Danny, it's time to put out the trash.

Baby-face Baz, the champion with a score to settle.

Then there's New School Cool Ben, Gibberish Jon and Ala-Ka-Dan.

I may be up against some big biceps

but nothing's going to out-power my magic wand.

-There's the cops' Beat Man John.

-This course is no copper stopper

I'm going to stay on proper.

-This corpse is not going to drop.

-And Suspicious Helen.

There's Katri Likes It Hot.

Cappuccino Mikey and, finally, John the Cherry Man.

-I know what he's going to say.

-Who's the Cherry Man?

-I knew that.

We had established that already, but OK.

As the Scary Ski Poles get going,

the first seven contestants to fall will be eliminated.

-This is going to be tense.

-And they are off.

What a champion start this is.

And straightaway, there's Short Shorts Dan in trouble. Oh.

There's Dan and John opting for the legs-up approach.

What is JP doing?

So, there's Dan.

-Argh!

-Dan!

-Oh, no, Short Shorts Dan is down and out.

Yeah, that was just one pummelling too many for Dan.

This former champion is the first victim of today's Ski Lift.

My jazz hands are tired now but they've won once,

they've held that trophy once,

they don't need hold it again, it's all right.

Short Shorts Dan heads out of the competition.

The next six to fall will lose all they've worked for

in the blink of an eye.

So, there's Mikey. John the Cherry Man.

Oh, no.

-John the Cherry Man is out.

-Cherry John just got pipped to the post.

Maybe that snow made John lose his grip but he slipped.

And ducked.

My cherry has been picked but I'm not yet squeezed.

Moving, cherry-related words from John, there.

There's New School Cool Ben, good work.

Ooh, Suspicious Helen.

They're all making light work of those Scary Ski Poles,

look how high they are already.

But then these are champions, you see,

it's a higher quality of competitor.

There's Dan. Gibberish Jon.

Oh. Oh, no. Suspicious Helen is the next fall.

She took that right in the champion face.

Yeah, that Scary Ski Pole caught her right in the kisser.

Then she had a little lie down on the podium before going for a swim.

Ouch.

I'm going to be going home with my head held low, unfortunately.

No, no, Helen shouldn't hang her head low

with such stiff competition today,

it is a great achievement to get this far.

It hurts but it's great.

So, back to the game

and the next four to fall will be heading out of the competition.

So, there's Ben just managing to hang on.

-Gibberish Jon, there.

-I tell you what, Jon is not letting go.

Oh. Who's that? It's Wheelie Dan.

Oh, Wheelie Dan's gone. And Mikey.

Mikey.

And Gibberish Jon. Wow. Oh, carnage, all of a sudden.

He was the fastest in the qualifier

but Dan's charge was ended by that Ski Pole.

I thought I could get through it but in the end, it was,

like, smack, straight in the face and you just can't hold on.

This is the thing, they've held on for so long,

those Ski Poles are so high.

Cappuccino Mikey had his torso rearranged.

Can't find a word that describes how unbearable the feeling is.

You know, that you didn't get through when you tried your hardest.

Poor Mikey.

Then Gibberish Jon was temporarily shut up,

courtesy of a Ski Pole in his gob.

Get ready for a long interview, I'm going to get comfortable.

It is the most intense feeling of adrenaline

as you're body's firing.

'Yeah, couple of sugars as well. In mine.

'Is he still going? Yeah. Oh, that's better, that's better.

'Leave it there, thank you, thank you.'

-It's crunch time, now.

-Got one more, people. Just one more.

Yup, we have. The next person to fall will be eliminated.

-There's Katri, Ollie Pudding.

-Ollie, Ollie, Ollie, oi, oi, oi.

There's Baz.

-Oh, Baz!

-In trouble. Hold on.

Ooh, ooh, no. Baz is out. Heartbreaking.

Katri just managed to dodge the bullet

but not so for Baby-face Baz.

And with that wallop, Baz is the final contestant to be eliminated.

So close, yet so far. I knew there were six on there as well.

-I just missed out.

-Oh, poor little face.

So, five contestants are through to the next round.

They're playing for the elite status

of Last Champion Hanging.

And they are, Katri Likes It Hot. Ala-Ka-Dan.

New School Cool Ben.

Ollie Pudding. And Beat Man John.

They're just after glory now.

The Last Man or Woman Hanging.

So, Katri's just holding on.

Ooh, ow. Ooh, ooh.

-Beat Man John takes one for the force.

-Wipeout!

There's Ben. Ooh, he's slipped. Oh.

-Oh, and Ollie Pudding.

-Will it be Katri or will it be Dan?

There's Katri, still hanging on. Determined.

Dan.

Ow. Ooh.

Oh, and with that magical fall, the Last Man Hanging today is...

Katri!

Not a man. It's Katri, well done, Katri.

Wow. I can't get over how tense that Ski Lift was.

What a competition this is becoming.

The other thing I can't get over

is the overpowering smell of this jumper.

It's like a mix of 25-year-old musk and Mr Desmond Lynam.

It's been most manly thing I've ever smelt. Makes me want to wrestle.

But I can't sit around smelling pullovers all day,

it's time to get on with Winter Blunderland.

It's an all-out champion's dash across the Blunderland course

which has been ramped up for the final.

So, the really hard, rotating bone-thing, just got much harder.

And the ice-cube-chucking, stroppy skiers are, if anything,

even more stroppy.

Two heats. Last across in each heat is eliminated.

The three who survive those heats are today's finalists.

One step away from being crowned Series Champion.

It's the last Winter Blunderland of the series.

I'm feeling pretty emotional. They're feeling pretty sick, really.

-Anyway, are you all ready?

-Yeah!

Three, two, one.

And so, a reminded of this elite band of blunderers.

He's crossed the balls twice. It's Beat Man John.

He's a born entertainer. It's Ala-Ka-Dan.

He's rather cool and from the new school. It's New School Cool Ben.

Last Woman Standing and hanging. It's Katri Likes It Hot.

-And, finally...

-Argh!

..the speedy, loud, pudding-maker. It's Ollie Pudding.

Oh! My God.

And as the Wizard comes to a halt,

the last contestant across will be eliminated.

This is going to be exciting, I know it, it is.

OK, that's Ollie out of the Trap first,

closely followed by Ben and Katri.

Ooh, ooh, they're chucking.

-Come on, Ollie.

-But Ollie's making good progress.

He's onto the Crankshaft straightaway

and is moving pretty fast today.

Ollie hanging on in there.

Ooh, he's made it. Roteratator next for him.

There's John. Biding his time. This is great from Ollie. Iceberg next.

-Ooh. Oh, no.

-Ollie.

-Oh, he's going to have to swim back to the ladder.

Bad luck. John, now, in the lead and looking good.

-Yes!

-Woo-hoo.

Beat Man John makes it, comfortably, into the next heat.

The action carries on. Here's Ben on the Iceberg, getting dizzy.

It's faster today, isn't it?

OK. Everything's faster.

So, there's Ollie. Oh, no.

Double whammy.

Ollie and Ben doing a synchronised fall.

That's a beautiful thing. OK, here's Katri.

-Come on, Katri.

-Onto the Iceberg.

That's really... It's like getting into a washing machine.

Come on, come on. Yes, it's all in the timing.

Oh, no, oh.

That dismount is proving difficult today.

Katri will need to take the long route back.

Yeah, just first finding her face wherever it dropped into the pool.

There's Ben, going for it again!

Dan, waiting in the wings.

Here's Olly.

Oh... Oh no!

No, he's out again!

So Ala-Ka-Dan with a chance now.

This is anybody's game.

-Ah! Yes. Dan's through.

-Dan!

With that marvellous jump Dan is in the second heat

and the next two contestants across will join him.

Katri in trouble...oh!

Oh! That's novel. No, that's not going to work.

She's last in the queue now, has to go back to the beginning.

Ben is out in front. Must be getting tired.

That's Ben, makes the leap, he's across.

Olly now. Katri's only hope is that he falls in here.

He's on the iceberg, and he's made it, which means the last lady

and Ski Lift champion Katri Likes It Hot, has been eliminated.

Bad luck.

Katri...

Oh, my darling girl, you quite literally just went

ten rounds with Winter Blunderland

and lost! Oh no!

I know, I know. So frustrating.

What can I do?

You can say you didn't do your ABSOLUTE best.

Well done, Katri and hard luck for not getting any further.

Thank you very much.

This is very much it - the decider.

The first three across will be in the Wipeout Zone

for the series finale.

This is serious.

Kind of...you know, as serious as it can be. It's serious, it is serious.

-And they're out.

-Yep.

Ben off first. A bit unsteady. Oh.

Who's that? Olly giving an outstanding run, sprinting ahead.

Ben's still dizzy.

Olly still sprinting. This is looking good.

The pressure's showing on the other three there

but there's no stopping Olly. Look at him go!

Round the Roteratator, on to the iceberg.

Just one tricky jump remains to seal his place in the Wipeout Zone.

Ben on the Crank Shaft. Oh, it got him!

That thing is pretty vicious today, taking no prisoners.

Back on the iceberg, Olly is nearly there, is he going to make it?

Go on, Olly!

Stand up, Olly!

Yes!

Oh, yes, he did!

Olly "Pudding" is the first into the Wipeout Zone.

This is tense now. John out in front.

He jumps for the iceberg. No!

Dan now. Oh, no, again!

Now Ben.

And he's on, no he's off the iceberg, again.

Here's Dan.

-Ohhh.

-Come on, Dan.

Ice cubes...aowww!

Makes his leap and that is Dan through.

With a wonderful jump.

Slam down.

Oh, this is knife-edge stuff now,

either John or Ben is about to be eliminated.

Fastest copper in the West.

Ben's got to hope that John takes a dip now. This is just all too tense.

Oh, and big man John is in the Wipeout Zone.

"New school cool Ben" is out.

Ohhh.

And he's crushed.

-Man, you were doing so very well!

-I was doing OK, I'm gutted.

I am. I'm disappointed in myself.

These guys were just well deserving of it so I wish them all the best.

Well, this is it. Winter Wipeout cup final day is upon us.

And now, time to see today's final finalists making their way

to the hallowed Winter Wipeout Zone on their team buses.

HIGH PITCHED SOUND

Ah...I'm afraid we've lost the link to the live bus link up link.

I can only imagine what must be going through their minds right now

on their journey to the Wipeout Zone.

Apparently I don't need to imagine what's going through their mind because of this.

Getting here a second time round means

so much more than the first time round.

Knowing you're up against people who've all got through

to that stage before and proving you're capable,

not only of doing it again, but of doing it over all those other guys

is a huge, huge achievement.

So proud to be in the final three.

I cannot WAIT to face the Wipeout Zone again.

I can't believe I'm here!

The final of the final of the final.

Ah, Winter Wipeout, what can I say?

John's very good. He's a very fit elder man.

Really shown his worth out on all of the obstacles that we've faced.

He's been consistent.

He's been tireless in his approach to everything.

My dad's an ex-copper and they're clever blokes,

but I don't think clever enough to win it tonight.

-Olly's going to be a strong competitor.

-He's younger, he's my age.

Olly's a great guy - the Christmas pie guy.

-Let's hope he's eaten too many puddings this evening.

-HE YELLS OUT

He's definitely one to look out for.

I think Dan's going to be the one to catch tonight.

His hair might get a bit messed up in the Wipeout Zone.

Whoever wins it is going to be the true champion of champions.

I cannot wait to face the Wipeout Zone again.

I'm going to try harder, I'm going to push harder.

It's been a long, hard road but it's going to be worth it in the end.

And may the best man win.

As long as it's me.

They are all former champions but either Olly, John or Dan are minutes

away from winning the ultimate title - series champion.

It's the final Wipeout Zone of the series and I'm so excited,

I could explode!

Hasn't happened yet so let's get cracking,

John is the first to go.

Indeed first to go is Double Ball crossing, speedy pOllyceman John.

I've never lost the taste I don't intend to start tonight.

Well, a champion dive there from John.

Give the man some support!

-Quickly making his way to the North Pole.

-Come on, John!

Slippery, but looking good. Straight up and on to the icy stairs.

The fastest copper in town.

Quickly on to the second for John.

I suspect those stairs are going to be particularly jiggly today.

Yes, he's at the summit. Now begins the tricky descent.

Oh, that's it.

Oh! Ah-ha, careful!

Yes...oh, no! He's in.

Straight off that last step.

John's going to have to pull all the stops out now to win that title.

He faces the ladder, sapping strength, up to the Ice Picks.

John still has a strong time though. Passed the first pick.

All in the timing now.

-Yes, oh no! Oh, it got him.

-No!

Disaster for John.

Every fall is costing him valuable seconds, it's a swim and a climb.

All right, John, make it happen.

The clock is ticking. John's up for the Frightcicles.

Go, go! That's it. Look at those little legs go.

Timing his exit now.

Successfully on to the other side.

Just the Snowflakes now.

This is tense, this is the first time, time to beat, looking good.

Oh...on to the second. This is fantastic.

One jump and John has beaten the Snowflakes.

He's made it in 2 minutes 33. What a finish!

Look at you still smiling away!

John that was absolutely amazing!

You copped it a couple of times but your recovery was incredible.

Thank you. I fell off twice. Not quite as good as last time

but it was good fun. Let's just hope it was good enough.

Yours is the time to beat but Ollyver is up next, yeah.

-Oh, yeah. Come on, Olly.

-Let's watch.

Second to go then, "Olly the pudding maker".

I'm the ultimate pudding!

This Christmas pudding maker from Kendal only narrowly made it

past the qualifier, can he beat John's 2 minutes 33?

He's wasting no time getting to the North Pole.

Up and at 'em. Straight up to the icy stairs.

This is looking quick already. Oh...

He looks confident here.

He's already at the top.

Oh...oh...

-Ah!

-Go on, Olly.

Oh, hang on, Olly. Oh! He's off.

BOTH: OH!

Man alive!

So that last step has been the undoing of both finalists so far.

Olly's up to the Ice Picks.

Now, John fell here, can Olly claw it back where it counts?

He's at the third Pick. Oh no.

Oh! Exactly the same as you!

Which means this is going to be close.

Olly is neck a neck with John right now.

Waiting for that Frightcicle gangway to move around.

Got to stay on, here we go. Oh no!

Oh no.

That was the wrong time. Just the wrong time.

That's cost Olly some seconds. Just the Snowflakes stand

in his way.

He's on.

Wow, and he's quick.

This is unbelievable.

2 minutes 22. Olly has beaten John by 11 seconds.

Ollyver, come out here, sunshine. How are you feeling, my son?

I feel brilliant, that was absolutely amazing.

-Why?

-It's the best of the best. You can't get better than this.

-It's amazing.

-Oh, I tell you what, you boys have my heart racing tonight.

Ollyver I've got to tell you, John was INCREDIBLE out there also.

But only one of you can be one step closer to being the champion.

It's you, Ollyver!

John, I'm so sorry, my man.

You know what this means.

Yours is the time to beat

but Dan who's quite magical also is next to go.

Yeah, good luck to Dan. He's going to need it.

All right, let's watch.

Now, for the final run and he has got his work cut out here.

The only person breaking this record time is me!

It's Ala-Ka-Dan.

So 2 minutes 22 is the target

but then Dan does hold the series record for the fastest Wipeout Zone.

He did it in 1 minute 34 last time.

Dan the magic man.

He's got it all ahead of him now.

Look at that racing up those stairs. Oh, this is amazing.

Already at the top.

OH!

Begins his descent...Oh no way!

The same step as you!

-Come on, Dan!

-Oh my goodness.

Oh...third run, third faller on the icy stairs.

Once again it's a dunk,

a swim and an energy-sapping climb up the ladder.

Now both of Dan's opponents came unstuck here.

Past the first, the second, oh no.

Don't worry, you're not watching the same run three times,

Dan really did fall there.

So the times all similar again, there's nothing in it.

On the Frightcicles, good work, Dan is at the middle.

Timing his exit and he's made it over. Now Dan is ahead.

If he makes it over the snow flakes the title will surely be his.

It's all to play for.

He's on to the first. Come on, Dan.

I can't watch. On to the second, I can't look. I can't look.

Oh, yes! 1 minute 50.

Dan has done it!

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS

-Dan.

-Come on out, my darling.

Dan, I've got three words for you. That was magic. How are you feeling?

Very, very tired. Very excited.

I gave it my best shot, that's all I could do. You got it, mate.

You're worthy. Thanks, my man.

Dan, listen I've got to tell you, you would have to be pretty fast to beat the "Pudding" man.

I know you both want to know who the Winter Wipeout series champion is.

And it is...

Abracadabra, it's Dan!

Congratulations, man.

So Dan Allen, the magician from Ledbury

is the first-ever champions champion of Winter Wipeout.

What a final. What a series.

If you think you've got what it takes to be a Wipeout champion,

then details are on the videprinter.

All that's left to do now is say thank you to all the wonderful

Winter Wipeout contestants.

Thanks to my co-host Amanda Byram, and finally,

thanks to the videprinter.

What a wonderful piece of technology that thing is.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd