Episode 2 Winter Wipeout

'Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house, not a creature was stirring...

Actually, quite a lot's stirring!

It's the Winter Wipeout Christmas Special!

Tonight, 20 fearless but festive Brits

including a Christmas tree seller,

a ski instructor, and a real life fairy,

have travelled by sleigh to Argentina

in search of the ultimate Christmas present,

the Winter Wipeout Trophy.

ALL: Merry Christmas!

Only one will go home with a stocking full,

as for the others, it's bah humbug, one and all!

Let the stuffing begin!

PARTY BLOWER TOOTS

Merry Christmas one and all!

And welcome to a truly unique edition

of Winter Wipeout. The course is covered in snow.

The last door on my advent calendar has been opened.

I have tinsel round my shoulders.

It can only mean one thing...

I'm working on Christmas Eve!

But at least I've got a cracker!

Who wants to help me pull it? Anyone?

No-one.

No.

Here's what's coming up this eve...

The Qualifier, including the Big Red Baubles.

Ski Lift. No rest, ye merry gentlemen. Or women.

Winter Blunderland. Oh Come, All Ye Faithful, to get hurt!

And the Winter Wipeout Zone -

Away In A Manger,

manger being Argentinian for ambulance.

Amanda and I have agreed to do Secret Santa this year.

Just the two of us. Here is my present.

I wonder who it's from? But it is tradition on Winter Wipeout,

to open your present

AFTER the first contestant has finished.

So it's over to Amanda at the top of the course.

Please be quick!

Chillin' with me now

on the top of the Winter Wipeout qualifier,

is the lovely Simmy who's a music producer!

You're going to have to produce an awful lot out here today.

Simmy, do you think you've got what it takes to win it?

I think I have. I'm going to show everybody

what the Winter Wipeout is made of.

I'll probably say something like, "Yo, people out there,

"Watch me and stare!

"I'm going to give it my all and conquer the red balls!"

Ha-ha-ha! Oh my God!

That's the spirit Simmy.

May be a man's world

but it means nothing without a woman!

KLAXON

So Simmy approaches today's first obstacle.

Ah, snowmen. I love their little carrot noses, their funny hats

and their hinged metal bases.

They're always there to give contestants a pat on the back

or a smash in the face.

Simmy's the first to cross the Snowmen Splat...

or not.

Great first attempt.

Second time lucky. Here we go.

No, maybe not.

Why have you done this to me?

I think YOU applied for Winter Wipeout!

One of the best things at Christmas

is a visit to Santa's Grotto.

One of the worst things about Winter Wipeout,

is a visit to Granny's Grotto!

-# Oh I'd still like to go To Grandma's house for Christmas!

-#

Wonder how Simmy will get on here.

Oh, smash hit!

She's a music producer. She'll like that.

Guaranteed Christmas number one!

Racking em up!

Simmy back up. And she just needs to get past Tevez.

Yes! Dog!

No! Door!

And now for an extra special present.

It's like all her Christmases have come at once...

it's the Big Baubles!

Before that? Nothing more Christmassy,

than a Christmas conveyor belt,

delivering all those Christmas goodies!

Look, it's amazing. There's a ghettoblaster, cuddly toy,

my wallet...hang on!

Oh look, there's Simmy. What's she doing?

She's walking backwards. Don't walk backwards!

Silly Simmy, don't!

All right, get on with it.

This better be worth it.

Yes! It was so worth it.

The good old Big Balls. It's the gift that keeps on giving,

year after year.

But it's not over yet.

There's still that wibbly thing on the right, also known as...

The Yule Logs.

Why? Well Yule simply jump from one log to the other,

dodging the Terror Twig,

and then, hopefully,

Yule jump to the finish and be filled with joy.

I can't do this!

Yule have to Simmy, sorry.

Ouch, they are rock solid.

Probably out of date.

After a short swimmy, Smash Hit Simmy

completes the course in 4 minutes 22 seconds.

You produced the most incredible sounds.

I'm not quite sure what they were!

SIMMY MUMBLES

I can't even speak!

Right. It's time to open my present.

Amanda made me promise to wear what she gave me.

I'm thinking aftershave or a tool belt.

Let's have a look.

Great(!) Thanks, Amanda(!)

Think I'm allergic to polyester.

If even one of you smiles,

you're going to get a punch in the mush. Right?

At least its Christmassy, I suppose.

Hello!

Hold on a minute! What's he wearing?

Hardly appropriate for Christmas. Says here 33-year-old Terry

is into LARPing. That stands for Live Action Role Playing,

or Looking A Real Pillock!

Aarrgh!

Why does he get the pirate costume and I'm stuck with this?

I see, Terry, you've come dressed as, um,

what have you come dressed as?

A generic pirate today, yeah.

Seriously, I get the elf and he gets that. OK.

KLAXON

Off he goes, hopefully putting his best peg leg forward.

-Yes!

-Yes!

No! Man overboard.

Terry just needs to get back up on deck.

Why don't you go the long way round, Terry, eh?

Taking the inappropriate route...

Go to the other side!

Finally, inappropriate Terry is back

on his voyage. Steady!

Sea legs.

Somebody's been at the rum rations.

Onto Granny's Grotto.

Dodges the Christmas Pudding, just.

Ouch! Door in the face.

Terry climbs back ashore

then trips over Tevez the dog. Another door in the face.

Right Big Red Baubles, but first he has to walk the plank, or run it.

He's on to the second Bauble!

That's it, you can do it.

Will he be the first competitor to cross the Big Red Baubles?

If he does, I take back calling him Inappropriate Terry. It works.

-Which way?

-That way.

Lucky he's not navigating the South China Sea.

Nevertheless, Terry finds his way to the finish in 4:05.

Aaagh!

The fact he made it to the top of the stairs wonders will never cease.

That's more like it, someone in a proper costume.

This is Trevor from London. A DJ/courier.

Goes by the name of DJ Funkdafogs which is an odd name for a courier.

FUNKY MUSIC

Yo to my DJ homies. I'm going to smash this track.

All these other contestants are "wiggedy, wiggedy, wiggedy, whack."

Does that mean he likes them or doesn't? What does that mean?

He's off, that's the main thing. Oh, he's clung on.

He's hugging the Snowman with all his might.

Now he's bouncing or kissing it?

Is that going to work?

It's worth a try, though, Amanda.

He's losing valuable time, he's got to do something.

Just fall off, that's something.

Next set. Can he recover from his hold-up?

I can see where this is going.

HE SCREAMS

# Just hang on... #

Trevor's having an affair with a snowman.

Will DJ Funkdafog jump da log

and not go in da bog?

Right, he's on.

He's scratching the log.

Don't scratch it, somebody will be cross.

Oh, he's in da bog.

Snowman Snogger Trev completes the course in 4:46,

leaving him just enough time to get that Snowman's phone number.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

You did a bit of spinning, you scratched a few things out there.

Definitely. My goodness.

This is Niall from Aberfeldy in Scotland.

He sells Christmas trees for a living.

Hold on, surely this is his busiest time of the year.

Shouldn't he be at work?

He's skiving off. Not a care in the world.

Timber!

If you're going to skive, Niall, don't do it on national TV. We can see you, look.

A promising start.

Up and away again, yes. Oh, less promising.

Ow!

Right in the jingle bells.

Still, should get a doctor's note now. Now you can skive.

Yule logs next.

Skiving Niall is used to dealing with big logs so this should be a doddle.

That was literally "Timber!"

The skiving was worth it 2:57 is the fastest time so far today.

This is Erica, she works for an organisation that protects birds.

CAWING SOUND

Let's hear it for the birds. I ain't no Christmas turkey.

I'm going to fly through this course.

It's time for this fledgling to fly.

Oh, she's flying like...

An Emu? Yeah, an emu.

She did do a very good impression of a woodpecker.

Haw-haw! Ooh!

But she's still chirpy.

Onto Granny's Grotto. Avoids the pudding, but not the door.

Aw!

And now an impression of a kingfisher. Into the water she goes.

Final obstacle for Erica Birdoo.

Will she be able to perch on this branch?

Holding on with a wing and a prayer.

Flapping out of control.

She's in the water again.

Eric Birdoo wings it home in 3:54.

People and birds across the country can all relax now.

Maybe not that much.

It is great to have animal lovers on Winter Wipeout,

but I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that when they say a pet is for life, not just Christmas,

what they're talking about is an animal's right to dignity and that's important.

You've got five minutes to finish scrubbing that floor

or someone's getting flushed down the toilet and it's not going to be me. Not this time.

Anyway, Erica and I aren't the only animal lovers on this show.

Joining me now is Emily from Kent who's a trainee gorilla keeper. Hi, Emily.

-Hi, Amanda.

-Gorillas, why?

Because they are gorgeous, gentle, loving, kind.

You're more likely to be hurt by a dog than a gorilla. They're so gentle.

18-year-old Emily looks after 23 gorillas,

that's a zookeeper's dozen.

How will she cope at Granny's grotto?

Mind you that's nothing compared to a slap from a silverback.

Time for the Big Red Baubles. Any moment now she'll swing into action.

That was just terrible.

SHE MAKES GORILLA SOUND

Started well.

She lands on her knuckles, gorilla style.

Then falls straight in to the mist.

This is more her style. Something to swing from.

GORILLA SOUNDS

Second Log now.

She's doing very well in these slippery conditions.

Technique in your han...

Ow!

Regardless, Queen Kong Emily apes home in 3:55.

Let's have a goosey gander at the leaderboard.

HE CHUCKLES

Meet Kevin aka Buttons from the world of panto.

He loves dressing up and performing. Either that or he IS a bellboy. No, he's a performer.

Where are the big red balls?

< Behind you.

Well, technically they're in front of you, but thanks for taking part.

And now they're behind you. Excellent comic timing!

Really classic comedy character.

How will Buttons do on the Yule Logs?

That buttoned him up.

Someone just pressed Buttons' eject button.

All very funny but will Kev go to the ball?

-And by "ball" I mean "Wipeout Zone".

-Only time will tell

-It's behind me.

-Well done.

This is John from Liverpool.

He's had more jobs than I've had Christmas dinners.

And I've had, er... 21 Christmas dinners.

When I first left college my job was selling ladies' knickers.

I used to be a bingo caller for a while and ended up as a singer in a drag queen bar in Gran Canaria.

Amazing.

Oh, no! Oh, sorry... That's...

Concentrate.

-Put the kettle on, Johnny's here!

-Well, he's polite.

Yes... No! Is that blood? Oh, no, it's where the snow's come off.

Oh, for a moment then...

The dog - no. Door - yes.

Ow! Oh!

# Ain't that a kick in the head... #

Aaah!

Here they are, the big red balls - or Christmas Baubles.

Here we go.

I love this guy!

Is he running? He's running. Yes, no, completely no!

I'd love to say he started well here, but no, he just fell off.

Good man. Come on, you can do it.

I can't.

You can.

-I can't.

-Sadly, he couldn't,

and Johnny John had to retire early

with a little help from Eduardo Claus.

Talking of help, here are Wipeout's very own little helpers.

Meet Angela, she helps with cooking the Christmas dinner.

I am beyond excited and I'm ridiculously festive.

If I stuff one more turkey up my...turkey I'll be turkeyed!

Hayley from Harpenden is here to help with the Christmas Spirit.

I love Christmas!

And Model Nat helps with the Christmas dress code.

We didn't make her. Less is more.

-Aren't you a little bit cold.

-A little bit cold, yeah.

-It's winter, I've got my bikini on.

-Goosebumps just looking at her.

Angela now on the Yule Logs.

Hopefully she's not started on her Christmas dinner yet, no!

That's not comfortable.

Oh, no!

Maybe party girl Hayley's dance moves will help her across.

They might. What's that? Oh, that's no dance move I've ever seen.

I could do that one! Yes, easy!

She's rocking and banging

and hopping and falling.

Maybe No-Clothes Nat's sense of dress will help.

Someone's made her put some shorts on.

She's on the second and looking good.

-Will she be the first?

-She's almost there.

-Nobody has done this yet today.

-This could be it!

Aaah!

No! Those Yule logs are impossible.

Perhaps what's needed is a little bit of Christmas magic.

Well, this is a turn-up for the books.

It's a real-life Christmas fairy!

Don't know what the mittens are for...

Maybe she's a nail-biter.

Ooh! She's got a fairy wand too. I wonder if it works?

Ah, that spell went all wrong.

My name's Gem, I'm the Winter Wipeout fairy.

I'm extremely loud and very lairy.

Did she say "hairy"? Well, Gemma is a hairdresser,

that kind of makes sense, I don't know.

Maybe. Oh, ow!

That's going to hurt.

Hang on, she's back up and onto the second set.

Steady now, I don't want any more knocks to that little fairy face.

-She's the first person today to do it!

-She could do it! Yes... No!

Oh, no, more damage to the fairy face as well!

What's that going to do?

Let's see how this goes.

She's on and in control by the looks of it. Balanced...

Poised, even.

She's onto the second.

Just one jump left and the clock will stop.

That wand works!

She's done it!

Lairy Fairy Gemma posts a magical time of 3:25.

It must have been the wand.

Couldn't resist - bought myself a wand of my own!

I got this one cheap cos it's a left-handed model

and it didn't come with any instructions.

But let's see what happens if I do this...

Give it a minute...

MUSIC: Theme from The Exorcist

Raar!

Undo! Undo!

That's not what I wanted. Control Z!

-Oh, sorry!

-That's OK. I'm taking this wand back.

How are you feeling to be standing here, Ffion?

Really excited. I can't wait to have a go.

She's all in her PJs

waiting to get tucked up in bed for Santa Claus to come.

I may be short, I may be squeaky,

but me and this course are about to get freaky!

Freaky? Oh, OK. Crack on.

This is Ffion, she's 23 and from Ammanford in Wales.

Oh! Getting freaky already.

Back to her feet though and...

Oh, no, gone in, in her pyjamas.

That reminds me of school swimming lessons.

There'll be a rubber brick down there,

along with an old plaster. Don't touch it!

Second set of Snowmen for Ffion now. Come on.

Oh! She's enthusiastic, I'll give her that.

Ffion now realising how much waterlogged pyjamas actually weigh.

But she is squelching on regardless.

Nice footwork...

Poor door-work.

Christmas Conveyor carrying Freaky Ffion

towards the Big Red Baubles now.

Here we go, high hopes.

Oh, yes. Oh, magnificent!

MUSIC: Theme from The Exorcist

Oh, no, not again.

Look at that world-class festive flop.

Jimjams saturated with water,

Freaky Ffion's just got the Yule Logs to go.

She's on, and she's safe...sort of.

Oh, ow!

Oh, ow.

I'd like to make it quite clear

that I am not controlling that thing.

Hats off to whoever is though, I mean, it's brilliant.

It's all right, it's Christmas.

Freaky Ffion reaches the finish in 5:41.

-Fumbs up for her.

-Whoo!

Snowboard-lovers listen up -

Skiving Niall is still at the top.

Erica Bird-doo slips into fourth.

Snowman Snogger Trev

now drops to ninth.

And clinging on with a Christmas wish

are Button-Up Kev, Freaky Ffion

and Little Helper Angela.

But the next contestant

could be heralding change.

This is Welshman Cai, and he's played the trumpet

in the Royal Albert Hall and the Sydney Opera house.

Oh, frozen spit-ball!

Can you give me a Christmas tune?

HE PLAYS JINGLE BELLS

Away In A Manger! I love this one.

Bring on the trumpet!

No, bring on the Snowmen!

There you go. Oh!

-Oh!

-Right in the valves. So that was how Cai used to sound

before he lost three ribs on the Snowman Splat.

Cai's on the Conveyor now

and looking remarkably well after that fall.

They are tough these trumpeters. I spoke too soon.

He's just hit a bum note.

Still, the windy Welshman

has reached the Yule Logs in a pretty good time.

Having a less good time now he's aboard though.

Amazing, he's managing to stay perfectly still.

Ow! Oh, until then.

But Windy Welshman Cai completes his concerto in three minutes 21,

and looks a bit, well, brassed-off.

This is Bryn, a philosophy student.

I admire philosophers for their wisdom and clarity of thought.

So, eh...this, erm philly-sopholy,

what exactly is it all about?

It's about everything, you know, thinking...why we're here...

What are we doing here, what's the meaning of life?

And, eh, just... Uh...

Yeah, we could all not be here at all.

But, eh, yeah...

'A great philosopher once wrote...'

"I think I could beat this course, therefore I can."

I'm getting a headache thinking about it.

Right, he's away. That's the main thing.

Oh, no, he didn't think that one through though, did he? No.

Maybe some more philosophical thought.

Second set of Snowmen now. Yes, that was a chin-stroker.

Granny's Grotto is next.

Oh, yes. Maybe grappling with the concept of snow in Argentina.

Is it to be or not to be?

Not to be.

Bryn getting carried away by his thoughts, and the Travelator.

Textbook philosopher's bounce there, that's how they all used to do it.

For such a young philosopher, he has made a pretty big splash.

Bryn now considering the big questions in life,

like why did he apply for Winter Wipeout?

Like life, this obstacle is full of ups and downs. Mostly downs.

That was not very sopho-lil... Sopho-lil-ical.

But Bryn The Thinker's a man of action. Look at that time!

3:03, takes him to first place.

I'll bet he's pleased with that.

I think...

I'm not sure, sorry.

This is Tracy, a ski instructor.

She's skied all the way from the Hertfordshire Alps,

which must have taken a while.

And this is Sam, a judo champion from High Wycombe.

She's ranked fifth in Britain. These two women have a lot in common -

even discounting the blue coats and silly hats.

They're both mums, and both are members of the sporty women society.

So, Sam is first to take on the Qualifier.

I'm Sam, I'm a fighter and I'm going to throw myself into this course!

Good! She's throwing herself the wrong way! Clock's started, Sam.

Go! That's it.

Get ready to see some judo-tastic moves.

Hai-Ya!

Ooh!

Hai-Ya Sam's got a fighting chance of getting through Granny's Grotto unscathed. Maybe.

Oh, judo pie! She'll need a breather after that.

So Tracy, are you really confident you're going to win today?

Yeah, of course I am. I'd like to do it and look quite good as well.

Haven't got my helmet on!

Don't try this at home.

A helmet's the one bit of ski wear that would have been useful.

Like there, for example.

But Tracy's back on her skis

and becomes the first to clear Granny's Grotto today.

Hai-Ya Sam is about to have her first match with The Yule Logs.

She's on, and straight into a judo sit.

Oh, no...not good. No, she's...

She's managed to break free, but the Yule Log's not done yet.

Come on, Sam!

Yes! She's over.

Now show that Yule Log who's the champion around here!

Trayski's attempt now.

There's not much between these ladies at this point.

Look at this!

Don't look at that!

The helmet, Trayski. Where was the helmet?

But helmeted or de-helmeted, Trayski clears the run in 3:30.

But it's Hai-Ya Sam who snatches the title, landing on the mat 21 seconds faster.

17 runners down, three to go. And this is Stuart from Twickenham.

He...appears to be licking something.

Is that hygienic?

Do you love ice cream?

I love ice cream!

Ice cream just makes you happy!

OK! Now here's a man I can relate to.

Although I don't, and never have danced like that.

I'm the ice cream man!

And I'm going to give this course a right good licking!

Stuart's actually a customer director for a big ice cream firm.

He seems angry about something.

Ice cream makes you happy, doesn't it? Makes me happy!

This is looking good. No, it's bad. That's going to make him angrier.

Oh, it looks like Mr Frosty gave HIM a licking.

I'm the ice cream man!

Granny's Grotto now for Soft Scoop Stu.

Ducks the pudding with aplomb, but gets well and truly done by the door.

Right in the chiller.

Stuart's onto the Yule Logs in double-quick time.

Can he keep his cool, cream the competition and scoop the prize?

I'm the ice cream man!

And I'm going to give this course a right good licking!

No you didn't Stu, you fell off.

What a flake.

Despite the falls, Soft Scoop Stu reaches the finish

in an ice-cool two minutes 37.

That's got to make him happy, surely!

I think the course gave ME a good licking. Most definitely.

OK, two competitors left.

And this is Olly from Kendal. He's a boxer. And this is Simon from Essex.

He's not a boxer.

Says he's a contemporary dancer.

Is that some? Yeah, that's it.

So what other stuff do you like to do?

My biggest hobby of all time is knitting.

In fact, I've knitted something especially for you.

It's a matching headband.

I love it!

You have to be kidding! What about me?

Brilliant! Olly's got me a cake.

You are a Christmas pudding maker?

I am, fully qualified. Highly trained.

So what is your recipe for success?

The most important ingredient, especially for Christmas, is joy and happiness.

You think joy and happiness are going to get you round this course today?

What? Er... It wasn't for me.

I knew that. I didn't want it anyway.

I'm a lean, mean Christmas pudding-making machine!

And I'm going to mix this course up!

You ate my Christmas pudding! Right, get on with it. He's away.

Oh, this is looking...

Definitely trying. Must be a sugar rush. Look at that!

Simon now... doing the human cross-stitch, what is that?

Go!

Can't hear through that hat.

Yes! He's off!

Looking good! Quickly into the water.

What a "knitwit".

Olly's onto the Baubles. Pretend they're puddings, that might help.

No, he'll just eat them, even if they're mine! He flies! He flops!

And he falls into the water.

A mammoth leap straight over Ball One and then, in he goes.

Knitty Simon takes to the catwalk.

Can he weave his way over the Baubles?

One, two, three, oh!

Best attempt today, but sadly it unravelled like a cheap tea-cosy.

Yule Logs now. Could Simon be on for a snowboard-topping time?

No! So close!

Pudding-maker Olly now. These two are neck-and-neck!

Ooh. Nifty!

No! He's done a Simon!

There is nothing between these two now.

Knitty Simon climbs to the finish in a very impressive 2:22.

But look at this! Olly Pudding whisks himself straight to the top spot

with 2:19.

The final scores are:

Olly Pudding at the top of the tree followed by Knitty Simon

and Soft Scoop Stu. Bryn The Thinker sits nicely in fifth place.

Whilst Tray-ski slaloms into ninth.

Taking the final three qualifying places

are No Clothes Nat, Erica Birdoo and Queen Kong Emily.

Apparently Knitty Simon DID get me a gift.

Oh!

It's a...jumper...!

-Are people wearing this sort of thing this year?

-Yep.

OK! In which case I shall wear it with pride

whilst waving a sentimental goodbye

to the eight contestants who never made it.

-And...cut.

-Burn it.

This is how the Ski Lift works - the 12 remaining contestants each have a little platform to perch on

and a handle to hold. The whole thing rotates

and the aim is to stay upright and hurdle the two scary Ski Poles.

They get higher, knocking more people off until just five remain, all of whom go through to the next round.

Merry Christmas!

Hark, is that the sound of a beautiful Christmas carol I hear?

Nope, it's the sound of 12 contestants whining on a ski lift.

Oh boy, are they about to get a great present, right in the mush!

Are you all ready?

Yeah!

Ho, ho, ho!

Here's a little reminder of who's riding the Ski Lift today.

Fastest in the Qualifier, it's Olly Pudding.

The proof is in the pudding!

Mmm. Pudding.

Hai-Ya Sam... Windy Welshman Cai... And Soft Scoop Stu.

My friend Simon thinks he can dance.

This time, darling, you haven't got a cha-cha-chance!

That's Knitty Simon.

Next it's No Clothes Nat...

I may be the Brummie, but I ain't no dummy.

Trayski...

Skiving Niall...

Lairy Fairy Gemma...

And Erica Birdoo.

You've seen me fly, now watch me soar!

I'm not being knocked off this perch!

Finally, there's Bryn the Thinker.

And Queen Kong Emily. Getting a grip already.

'Focused.

'OK, it's spinning, here we go.'

# It's Christmas

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun. #

It's snowing!

'Oh look, genuine delight on Amanda's face.

'Look at the pretty flakes.

'Oh, now the scary poles are in play.

'They'll need to leap over both, which keep getting higher and higher.

'Niall not felled. Erica, birdie hop. Stuart, legs a Crimbo.'

It's like the 10 lords are leaping.

'They are nearer 12 really. Come on guys, lift those legs.

'Oh, Trayski!

'She is well and truly out.'

The ski instructor was the first to go. The irony of it all.

This ski lift is like no other ski lift I have ever been on before.

Also, when you're skiing, it's really rare that big objects

come flying at you, and whack you in the legs. That caught me out a bit.

'Yeah, obviously hasn't been skiing with me.

'11 contestants remain, only five can go through.

'Cake maker Ollie, rising nicely.

'No-clothes Nat, struggling to hold on there.

'Oh, looking like she might be in trouble. Takes a whack, and another.

'Oh, it's brutal.'

Poor Nat, got knocked off her ra-pa-pa-pums.

'Nat's not how you do it! Bashed on the bottom.

'Twice. She might be eating her Christmas dinner

'standing up this year.'

Ski lift experience is traumatic.

I've got really womanly hands, they couldn't hack it.

SCREAMS

'10 still standing. Those ski poles are inching higher.

'Great upper body strength needed for this.

'Queen Kong Emily grabbing on like a gorilla.

'Oh, that's a direct hit though.

'Swinging like a chimp, and walloped again.

'Two are down.

'What happened there?

'Right, there's Sam, struck by the ski pole, but manages to hold on.

'Then Emily takes a hit, but Hi-Ya Sam lost her grip and went for a dip.

'At the same time Emily took a hammering, and also fell.

'Two swans a swimming, and out of Winter Wipeout.'

YELP

It is tough. You have to take real knocks.

That ski lift is just so difficult to hold on.

My gorilla strength did just didn't hold out.

'With eight still standing it is goodbye girls,

'and hello Cai, leaping that ski pole like a pro.

'And again.

'Skiving Niall. Oh, he still holding on. This is Erica Birdoo.

'She is flying. Oh, she's falling.

'Things took a turn for the worse

'for bird-loving Erica and she headed south early.'

Perhaps I feel a bit like a Christmas goose.

Perhaps a barn owl hunting over the pond.

Probably not quite as gracious as one of those.

'OK, seven contestants are still high and dry.

'Next two to fall are out of the competition.

'Ski poles really getting quite high now.

'Niall, nails it.

'Getting the full brunt of the ski poles there.

'That is Olympic level holding on.

'Oh, hang on, someone's gone.

'And again, what happened there?

'OK, so that is windy Welshman Cai. Took a pole right in the peartree.

'This then is Niall after that incredible swing,

'he just took one hit too many.

'Both just miss the chance to qualify'

No, no fanfare into the next round, that £10,000

could have been a lovely Christmas present, but what can you do?

If I was to describe my experience of the ski lift -

pain, and an early bath.

That's it. You've got five.

'So, left in the game and playing for next round are -

'Knitty Simon, Bryn the Thinker,

'Olly Pudding, Soft Scoop Stu,

'and Lairy Fairy Gemma.'

Who will be the last man hanging?

'Everyone's fighting for that Christmas bonus.

'An Argentinian mince pie. Made with beef. Simon doesn't want it.

'I don't blame him.

'Gemma's jumping well,

'that thing is high now. Oh, no! She's in.'

Like a bauble off a Christmas tree.

'A pretty big bauble, right onto Simon's head too.

'Three left hanging. This is getting tense.

'So who we got? Olly Pudding.

'There's Soft Scoop Stu. And there goes Bryn the Thinker.

'He thunked therefore he dunked.

'So which one of these two will be last man hanging?

'Both leaping those Ski Poles superbly.

'They're up above waist height now!

'Stuart takes a blow, they're both hanging by a thread!

'Olly's in trouble,

'The pudding-maker's plunged! So Stuart wins the beefy mince pie.

# This Christmas

# Yeah this is Christmas

# Thank God it's Christmas

Merry Christmas!

'Time for a sherry I think.'

As this festive edition of Winter Wipeout continues,

I can't help but start to think about Christmas presents.

Because I haven't bought anything yet.

I've got a nasty feeling all the shops are going to be shut.

But I've got a backup plan!

There's a 24-hour plumbers near me

so I'm thinking - U-bend for my wife,

couple of jubilee clips for the kids,

and a toilet seat for the cat. And maybe I will treat myself

to a tiny brass tap. You can never have too many tiny brass taps.

What were we doing again? It's a tap.

'The remaining five contestants aren't thinking about presents,

'they're thinking about the present.

'And this is what they've got to do -

'there's a nasty spin, followed by a dash over the Winter Blunderland course,

'avoiding the giant ice cubes lobbed by the crafty chuckers stood on the mountain top.

'Last man, or woman across is eliminated,

'and then it's more of the same in heat two.

'Again, last one across is out,

'leaving just three contestants to tackle today's festive final.'

God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing ye dismay.

There's going to be no rest now, and plenty of dismay,

it's Winter Blunderland. Are you all ready?

(ALL) Yes!

No, no, go!

'Time for a reminder of who's still in the game.

'Prancer - Olly Pudding.

'Dancer - Knitty Simon.

'Dasher - Soft Scoop Stu.

'Vixen - Lairy Fairy Gemma,

'And I can't remember any more reindeer names!

'Bryn the Thinker -

'Rudolf! Too late.

'So, the Winter Wizzy's stopped and Simon's first out of the blocks.

'But Stuart's joined him on the Frosty Flipper.

'These two are neck and neck.

'Bryn takes a tumble, it's back to the start for him.

'But Olly's safe, for now.

'Stuart's leading, while Gemma's taking it steady, unsteady.

'Lucky throw!

'He's past the Crank Shaft and first to tackle the Ro Terror Tator.

'He's going the wrong way! Opps. That leaves the path clear for Simon.

'Nifty footwork, perhaps the Essex boy's got a bit of Irish in him.

'He's onto the Iceberg! Come on Simon, Take your time,

'and then, when you're ready... Don't do that!

'Olly, meanwhile, is onto the Ro Terror Tator.

'Can he be first across? Nope.

'Bryn's taking refuge behind a wobbly foam partition.

'He doesn't like the ice cubes.

'Simon back on the Ro Terror Tator again. He's been here before,

'can he make the next jump though?

'Yes! Knitty Simon is through to heat two. I love modern dance.

'Assuming that's it, is it?

'Or did he just fall over, I don't know?

'Stuart's not far behind though,

'Sunk, again! Olly,

'Must be getting dizzy.

'The longer he stays on, the worse it gets.

'Very dizzy now.

'Olly's safely through and joins Simon in the second heat.'

-Yes!

-Think he's happy?

'Two places left. This is Gemma.'

Gemma is not having the best of luck today.

'Bryn, however, has made it onto the Ro Terror Tator.

'Onto the Iceberg now. Yes! And Bryn the Thinker's through as well.

'That means either Stuart here, or Gemma, somewhere else,

'is going out.

'No! That slip could cost Stuart his place in game.

'Gemma.

'Can she beat the Frosty Flipper?

'At last!

'Just the rest of Blunderland to go now.

'But somehow Stuart's stolen a march on her, despite a tinsel malfunction.

'This time Stuart, you can do it, No you can't.

'Can someone move my cab back ten minutes? Might be here for a bit.

'OK, an hour actually.

'Unless they both keel over with exhaustion first,

'one of these two is going through to the second heat.

'OK, Stu's onto the Iceberg.

'One jump to the finish and it's all over for Gemma.

'Can he do it this time? Yes!

'Stuart's through!

'I'm exhausted just watching!

'But sadly it's goodbye to Gemma the Lairy Fairy.'

OK, first of all, I had completely given up all hope,

that you weren't going to get anywhere near the end,

and then the spirit of Christmas was with you and you almost did it!

It was the fairy magic. What more can I say?

'Round two, just like before, last one across gets eliminated.

'This is one way to get that Boxing Day feeling

'without even touching the egg-nog.

'They're off! Slowly. Here's Simon tottering his way to the flipper.

'Calm, composed, almost came a cropper. Olly and Stuart now.

'Double trouble! No, just single trouble, Olly fell in.

'Knitty Simon's onto the crank.

'Oh, and a bit of bottom end knock there.

'Stuart now.

'Not had the best luck on Blunderland so far today.

'But this is looking good,

'Not again surely?

'Quickly onto the Ro Terror Tator though, and now the Iceberg.

'But this is where it's all been going wrong for Stuart,

'He's done it again! Or rather, not done it again.

'Knitty Si takes a hit. They're bunching up.

'Well, Bryn isn't.

'He's opted for another swim. But this is Olly now. Simon watching.

'And Olly's onto the Iceberg.

'Can he be the first to bag a spot in the Winter Wipeout Zone?

'Yes! He's through.

'Celebratory pudding stir there, puts Simon right off!

'Only two places left, Come on, Bryn! Don't think the brainy man's beaten.

'I'm guessing that was Stuart again, Simon onto the Ro Terror Tator.

'Oh, very cool stepping onto the Iceberg. Not so cool on the exit. Bryn The Thinker now.'

Oh, this could be the meaning of life

'Could also mean he's through to the Wipeout Zone.

'Go on Bryn, make this last jump, and you are.

'This final jump has been the undoing of so many contestants today.

'Can Simon join Olly in today's final? Makes it onto the Iceberg,

'And steps into the Winter Wipeout Zone! Great work Simon.

'One place left then, will it be Stuart or Bryn? Stuart's in the lead.

'Could his time finally have come?

'Yes! After more goes than anyone EVER,

'Soft Scoop Stu is through to the Wipeout Zone.

'Which means, sadly, it's game over for Bryn.'

You spent the first part of that course, just standing there,

philosophising yourself from what way you are going to take it in.

What was going on?

Just thought I would have a good think about the course. It didn't work.

And so this Christmas tale is almost at an end.

The presents are wrapped and under the tree,

Amanda has made her famous turkey and chocolate orange pizza, yum,

and there's just the small matter of crowning

the Winter Wipeout Christmas Champion.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I say that with confidence.

When I crossed that finish line on Winter Blunderland,

I thought I had done all the other pudding mixes in the world proud.

I made the final!

Stuart is a big strong guy, he's going to be tough to beat.

He's old, I think I can do him.

I consider Stuart to be a bit of a rival, but I saw how tired he got,

and I think I might be in with a chance of beating him.

There's quite a bit of energy left in the old dog yet.

Simon's spends a bit too much time knitting.

I think he's a wolf in sheep's clothing with his knitted jumpers, and his hat, and a scarf.

He might have strong fingers, but you need quick feet, I don't think he's got that.

Anyone who thinks I'm a Nelly because I knit -

say that to my face, and I'll shove a needle in your eye and a crochet hook in your ear.

The Christmas pudding man from Kendal.

I think Ollie has a bit of a cocky nature.

He'll be going for it harder than anybody tonight.

I think the fact that Ollie has a tendency

for Christmas puddings might be his downfall.

Sugar Plum Fairy, light and airy - that's me.

Twinkle toes all the way across.

I definitely hope to be more Mr Whippy than soft scoop tonight.

Winning Winter Wipeout would be the best Christmas present

anyone could ever wish for.

So, that's them and this is what they're about to face.

First it's a flying lesson on the Flingymajig.

Then it's a lesson in scrambling on the North Pole.

They're cold, hard and uncomfortable - it's the Icy Stairs.

Imagine a big rubber mallet, times it by three -

that's the Ice Picks. Dangly and dangerous - the Frightcicles.

Finally, easily the hardest obstacle ever - The Impossible Snowflakes.

Do that lot, hit the button, stop the clock. Fastest man wins.

I'm so excited.

Santa's coming. Santa's coming!

Wait, there was something else, wasn't there?

Oh! The Wipeout Zone. And Stuart is the first to go.

Soft Scoop Stu sits in the Flingymajig,

waiting to get scooped up and dunked in the water.

Merry Christmas!

And a Merry Christmas to you. Here's your present. A free flight.

You're welcome to that.

-Come on, Stuart.

-With the spirit of Christmas in his heart

and a gallon of water up his nose,

Stuart starts his expedition to the North Pole.

Unfortunately for him, Eduardo Claus forgot to grit it.

But that doesn't seem to be an issue for Stuart. Look at him go.

It's the Icy Stairs now. On to the first.

Stu grabs on for dear life. Those things are viciously bumpy.

Let's hope he doesn't get thrown off.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Remember, Stuart is setting the time to beat,

so he needs to get a wriggle on to win that Wipeout trophy.

Starts his downhill decent.

Oh, no!

That is not good news for the ice cream man.

A fall at this stage means he has to swim right back to the start.

Here we go again. First set of steps.

Ooh...! Slight slip but a quick recovery. Good man.

-Looking confident now.

-That's it.

This is where it all went wrong before.

-And it's not looking good.

-No!

Hanging on. Just.

-Hallelujah!

-He's back on track

And he's done it!

-Yes!

-Now for the Ice Picks.

Oh.

Oh, no!

Stuart takes the plunge again.

That's really going to cost him some time.

He can ill afford that mistake.

Climbs the ladder starting to look a bit cream-crackered.

Stuart's about to face a punch bag extravaganza,

also known as the Frightcicles.

He's off! Go, go, go! And he's safely in the middle.

Those platforms have to be perfectly aligned for this exit to work.

Yes! He's done it! One more obstacle left. The Impossible Snowflakes.

And they are tricky. Really tricky.

Up he goes... Down he goes.

It's been gruelling for him.

But, of course, this could still be the fastest time today.

We don't know what the others will do.

With one big, final push... Stuart climbs to a stonking finish!

4:57 may not be super-quick

but he's shown true Christmas spirit.

Well done, Stuart. You did that in a time of 4:57.

Yeah! I beat five minutes!

-You know what this means. Yours is still the time to beat.

-Yeah, I'm a winner so far.

-Simon is the next to go. Let's watch.

-OK, Simon.

Knitty Simon sitting comfortably there.

All you people at home,

don't you wish you had an armchair like this for Christmas?

Not really, I'm fine with my own.

HE SCREAMS

Oh, that's a landing and a half.

Oh, belly flop!

Oh, no, what's happened to Simon? Oh, no.

Unfortunately, that belly flop winded Simon,

meaning he had to withdraw from the competition.

And so, alas,

there will be no more interpretive dance on the show tonight.

Apart from this...

Actually, I'm quite good at this.

So that means Olly Pudding is next to go.

This is the best Christmas present ever.

I should wait. You haven't landed yet.

Here we go. Geronimo! He's in the air for ages.

You can scream. It's gravity now. Nothing you can do.

Olly has to beat Stuart's time of 4:57.

-Oh, Olly!

-Come on!

Can he do it?

Swim to the North Pole first.

He's up. A bit wobbly but his feet are firmly on.

Icy Stairs next. A brave leap.

And he seems to be keeping his balance.

Needs to keep this up if he doesn't want a dip in the drink like Stu.

Oh...ho!

Those stairs are giving him a proper bumpy ride.

He can't actually get to his feet but he needs to.

Hanging around forever. Yes...he's reached the top.

BOTH: O-o-oh!

Those stairs really don't like Olly.

-And there's absolutely nothing to hold on to. And he's off!

-No!

Back to the start he goes. Olly fell off earlier than Stuart...

but it could still be second time lucky.

-Concentrating now.

-Come, Olly!

Balance and moving. Stuart's shouting probably doesn't help.

Can he make it back down? Solid landing!

Just managing to hold on.

He needs to get off there as quickly as possible. Final step. And off.

Ice Picks are next. That's certainly broken the ice.

But he's out of the water quickly and onto the Frightcicles.

Waiting his turn. And he's off.

That was close.

Can he make the exit run. Here he goes.

He's made it! Down the slope. Just the Impossible Snowflakes left.

Olly is on.

Although, this obstacle is impossible.

He's gone upside down.

-And now he's gone wet.

-Oh, he's in the water.

But his time's looking good.

Quickly up the ladder.

He's done it!

3:36 seconds. Over to Amanda to break the good news.

There is only one person qualified

to award the Winter Wipeout Christmas trophy tonight.

It's Santa!

OK, guys.

The Winter Wipeout Christmas champion is...

Olly!

Happy Christmas!

So Oliver Appleby, the Christmas pudding-maker from Kendal, walks off with £10,000

and a thoroughly festive Winter Wipeout Trophy.

Oh, my! He's here!

And he's enormous. Santa, can I have my present please?

Let me see if you're on my list.

-I've got a Rachel Hammond.

-That'll do. I mean...

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: ..that's me.

-There you go, Rachel.

-Thank you.

That's all for tonight. From Amanda and me

and Santa and my new bike, have a very merry Christmas.

-Has it got gears?

-Yeah.

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year

# Good tidings we bring

# To you and your kin

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy New Year. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail: [email protected]