Episode 6 Winter Wipeout

There are some things every heroic Brit should do before they die.

A wilderness trek to see the aurora borealis.

Husky-sled along a frozen river with a real life Eskimo.

And the most daring of them all,

have a go on the Winter Wipeout course!

Probably best leave this one till last.

Tonight, 20 brave battlers,

including a grave digger, a pet detective and a whisky taster,

will take on the wintry weirdness.

19 will leave empty-handed, just one will be crowned champion

and limp off with £10,000.

Let the big freeze begin!

Welcome to Winter Wipeout.

This show makes me proud.

Proud to play a part, however small,

in a show which celebrates ordinary Brits doing extraordinary

and sometimes painful things.

But I think everyone knows who suffers the most...

It's me.

For close to an hour every week, I have to sit here on this stool

and talk a bit.

Lower-back support is non-existent, my coffee is frequently too milky

and some of the words are really hard to say.

Like "Qualifier." That's a tricky one and I have to say it loads!

Anyway, on with the people's show,

and here's what today's people will face.

The Qualifier - a hard word to say.

Ski Lift - a hard game to play.

Winter Blunderland - hardly a walk in the park.

And the Wipeout Zone - hardest to say, even harder to win.

I don't really know why they've cut back to me again.

-Do I usually do a bit here?

-Yep, every week.

-All right. OK.

Well, hello! And then is it normally something about Amanda

and the first contestant or something? I...

Well, there are many outfits that I like to wear when I'm exercising -

my leotard, my running vest, my hard hat, but never my Japanese headband!

Sian, what is with the headband?

I did judo, and I got this in Japan.

'Hoo-ha-huh-hee-ya!'

-You do realise you've got a big red ball on your headband?

-Exactly!

Hopefully, I'm not going to kind of face-plant onto it like that.

28-year-old judo champion Sian

is the first to tackle today's Qualifier.

-Where's your lucky headband gone?

-Hi-ya-saka!

Yep, got that.

-Uh-huh.

-'Hee-ya!'

-OK.

-HORN BLOWS

-Sian's off and making her way to today's first obstacle.

She's venturing into Snowman's Land.

Many have suffered at the hands of the Snowmen Splat.

As well as being a judo champion Sian is also a supply teacher.

There, you see? Playground duty. Good practice.

Well, recovered, though, and on to the second set. Here we go!

Ooh, no! Oh!

I don't think that was a judo move!

A move it was, judo it wasn't.

But she's up, just about.

And onto the next obstacle. It is Granny's House!

Granny's a bit grouchy. It's pension day and there was a massive queue at the Post Office.

Always puts her in a bad mood. She doesn't like visitors.

Let's see how Sian gets on with her.

Looks wary.

Ooh-oof-ooh!

-SHE SQUEALS

-Japanese for "help" there, I think.

It's not over yet.

Still got Tevez the dog and Granny's back door. Safely past Tevez...

and the door too! Very rarely seen. Making good time,

which is just as well, as only the fastest 12

will qualify for the next round.

But the next obstacle's a biggie.

Well, it's four biggies. It's the Big Red Balls, preceded by the Travelator,

which moves at a steady Argentine pace of 0.6mph.

She's on. Can the Japanese-loving judo champ join the elite ball crossers' club?

Here we go!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Oh!

Ooh! Yep, I don't think that was judo either!

SHE BURPS

Hopefully I'm not going to kind of face-plant onto it like that!

-You did Sian.

-Face-plant.

-Yeah. No, exactly like that.

-SHE SCREAMS

-It was like you were practicing for it.

So it's a swim to the ladder for Sake Sian,

before facing the final obstacle.

It won Argentine sculpture of the year award.

Months of chiselling, sanding and shaving to produce two wobbly logs

and a bit in the middle that turns.

As far as I can see.

Sian, meet the Log Jam. That's it, keep hold of that grip.

No?

No. Shame!

With a slightly damp ego and a very sore head,

Sake Sian climbs to the finish in a very reasonable

three minutes 15 seconds.

-What happened to your lucky headband?

-I thought I was going to lose it straight away, and couldn't risk it.

This is Lawrence. He's a driving instructor.

Hi! But wait for it, he's also...

A ballet dancer! Ye-e-es!

He's volunteering to do this, we didn't make him!

No mirrors, no signal! Just...

-Manoeuvre!

-I never had to do that manoeuvre in my driving test.

Things change, don't they? Here we go. Hold on, he wasn't kidding!

Look at this! Hang on a second!

He'll need his eyes on the road for this one.

That's one minor fault. Should have anticipated that pie.

How's he still on his feet?

He's not. He is! Watch out for the dog!

And the doormat!

Oh, this is... I can't... Oh!

Right, Big Ball time.

He's been light on his feet so far, but can he jete over these monsters?

Moment of commitment. This is... Oh!

Hang on, hang on, he's on the second ball! That is some balance going on!

Three, four, oh, yeah! This could be amazing!

And this is amazing!

First ball-crosser of the day. Certainly setting the standard now.

Can he keep his dignity on the Log Jam?

WO-O-OAH!

Oh, no. See, one thing goes well, the other... Oh.

Oh, dear, I think his engine might be flooded.

And it appears they don't teach swimming

at ballet class, unfortunately.

Come on, Lawrence! The clock is ticking and you're doing so well!

That's it, back on full throttle. Yes!

Yes, he's done it! Ballet driver Lawrence finishes

in a pretty speedy two minutes 26 seconds,

which is rather impressive.

You crossed the big red balls!

Yes! So pleased about that.

Well done, we'll see you later, darling. Pirouette that way!

-There he goes.

-Taxi!

-That's a rubbish pirouette!

I can do better than that!

This is 31-year-old Jody from Boscombe.

She's a...

Ooh, digging. A gardener?

-SHE ROARS

-On minimum wage!

Am I right? Did I get it?

I've actually brought you a little gift.

Really?

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

It's from a coffin!

I thought you might like it!

I'm creeped out! Is anyone else? Whose coffin has that come from?

I'm going to bury this course or I'm going to die tryin'!

That's the spirit! Please don't. There's a lot of forms.

It turns out Jody is a third-generation gravedigger,

which is pretty impressive.

Yeah! She's also pretty quick. Look at that!

not sure how Granny's going to feel about gravediggers, though.

-Yeah, she's not going to like that.

-Oh, no!

-Heh.

SHE SCREAMS

That's thorough! Don't even mention cemeteries!

Back up the steps for more of Granny's goodness.

DOG BARKS

That was pure badness.

Jody's not good with doors. More used to lids, I guess!

Onto the logs, and Jodiggity is wrestling with the red flippy bit.

-# Oh, I like the way you work it

-No diggity...

On to the second log. One last gasp and she could be resting in peace... for eternity.

-# No diggity

-No diggity

-# I've got to bag it up... #

-Oh, nope! Six feet under.

Still, after a death-defying run,

Jodiggity reaches the end in three minutes 23.

Come on!

# One foot in the grave. #

Next it's trainee teacher, Amy.

She loves bobsleigh and today she's brought her lucky charm.

Which is... an egg.

-Is this the same egg that you bring everywhere with you?

-It is.

-How long have you had this for?

-Er, quite a while!

Eugh, don't kiss it! That thing must honk!

Who wants to kiss my lucky egg?!

Anyone?

-TANNOY VOICE:

-'Excuse me, sorry. No eggs are allowed on the course.'

-Ah, yeah.

-Egg police, spoiling everyone's fun as usual.

Good egg Amy is off. Here we go! Oh, hello! She's nifty!

-SHE YELPS

-Ow!

Great reflex. Can she do this again?

-Wow! Yes, she can!

-Wow! Wow!

Keep this up and she'll be sailing through to the next round.

Oh!

Oh, no!

# I guess I'm just

# A lucky so and so. #

Still, it's back up the steps for a second dose.

Tevez dodged. Oh, amazing door-ducking!

Oh, yes! Eggsellent!

Good egg Amy is flying through this Qualifier!

But it's not over yet. Just the Log Jam to go.

Make or break now...

Oh, it's break. Yeah.

Even so, Good egg Amy reaches the finish in a time

of two minutes 30 seconds,

just four seconds slower than ballet driver, Lawrence.

DIABOLICAL LAUGH

This is Aaron. He's a phlebotomist.

And that's got nothing to do with bottoms.

It means he takes blood. Oh, he's supposed to be a vampire?

I don't think I can go any further, actually,

without asking you about your attire, cos I'm not sure where to look!

Oops-a-daisy!

Oh, this is awkward, all round.

Cover yourself up, man! It's winter! That's better!

OK, speedy pants Aaron on the balls. Here he goes.

Yes, yes!

Yes! Oh, disappointing!

Superb effort, that,

with a rare reverse head scrape to the fourth ball.

Seldom seen.

Aaron now tackling the logs.

Look! His grip is tighter than his pants. Just about holding on.

Can he make it to the second log? Yes, good crash landing.

He's definitely out to impress.

No, no, got dumped.

Still, with a time of two minutes 20,

speedy pants Aaron jumps to the top of the snowboard.

-SHE BARKS

-This is Sam and she is a real life pet detective.

Come on, then. Where are you? Come on!

-SHE WHISTLES

-No Ace Ventura is she?

Come on, where are you?

Right, Sam, so let's say my Chihuahua,

whose name is Hammond, by the way... So let's say Hammond goes missing

while doing his business in the front garden.

-What would you do?

-My first question is,

do you want Hammond back or are you quite glad to see him go?

No, I love Hammond! I'll have him back!

Woah, Hammond? Amanda's got a dog called Hammond?

My name is Hammond! Well, what a coincidence! This is incredible!

Right, this dog has to be found!

I'm going to organise a search party.

But I need a posse, and one of those whistles that you can't hear.

Do they even work? How do you know?

-# Who let the dogs out? #

-Let's unleash Sam on the snowmen.

-SHE SCREAMS

-Ooh!

Yep, oh. Oh, dear!

It's funny, that is the second scissor split of the day. So fashionable today.

So can this pet detective sneak her way past Granny's house?

No, she can't, at all.

Sam Ventura once climbed Kilimanjaro,

now she's about to climb four killer balls. Here we go!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh! Good effort!

Soaring high like someone's missing budgerigar.

Or a parrot.

Log Jam, then. Here we go.

Ooh, yep, getting a closer look at log two.

Come on now, Sam!

Doing very well to get up onto her feet and stay there.

Will she be the first to clear the logs today?

Yes, she's done it!

Four minutes six seconds might not be the fastest time of the day

but it could still see her through.

Time for a Snowboard.

Speedy pants Aaron whoops into first place,

with ballet driver Lawrence second and good egg Amy in third.

Sake Sian's got a judo-hold on fourth,

whilst Jodiggity digs down in fifth,

and Sam Ventura's propping up the bottom in sixth.

Nothing. Nobody's seen Amanda's dog, nobody's even heard of Amanda's dog.

One little old lady suggested it was all a wild goose chase,

until I pointed out, "I'm looking for a dog!"

And to make matters worse, I've sustained an injury.

I got a paper cut putting the posters up. Look, that's blood. Oh, it must have dropped off.

I think I need medical attention for this. As luck would have it,

the next three competitors are all medical professionals!

52-year-old Sylvia is a nurse from Norwich.

Sylvia, did you get on the wrong coach at the airport?

No, I found the correct coach straight away. I'm very sensible!

Ben's 26 and works as an ambulance operations manager in Hornchurch.

HE ROARS

-MIMICS AMBULANCE SIREN

-He's scaring me.

If you were to win here today, what would you do with the money?

Er, I'd treat my mum.

Are we a bit of a mummy's boy?

I am very much a mummy's boy, yeah.

And Chris. A 24-year-old junior doctor in Stockport.

Do the ladies love Doctor Chris?

I think they do, yeah.

I think everyone has a bit of a soft spot for a man wearing

a stethoscope, maybe?

# No need to ask He's a smooth operator... #

OK, good bedside manner.

Yeah, terrible dancing. Yeah, don't do that.

So, who is the perkiest practitioner?

Sensible nurse Sylvia's first on the scene.

Oh! Comes a cropper on the Snowmen.

Better dial 999.

Blue light Ben's there in a flash and doing better.

-Oh!

-Yes!

-Oh... Oh, that looked painful. Doctor!

Dr Who? It's Dr Chris and I'm here

to get your heart racing.

No, please don't - I'm on tablets. I'm not supposed to.

Dr Smooth is looking good, actually.

Oh, I prescribe a healthy dose of Granny's House for him.

Yeah. When I say healthy, I meant unhealthy.

Granny doesn't like doctors, for some reason.

Just don't get her started.

Second set of Snowmen for sensible nurse Sylvia. Taking it steady. Oh!

Argh!

Blue light Ben making a house call. I like his approach.

And it nearly worked!

Paging Dr Smooth to the Big Ball ward.

Oh! Crash team.

Dr Who?

Ben's turn now.

Oh!

Oh...can he?

Oh... Steady, Ben. Yes, could he be the second ball-crosser of the day?

No.

Sensible nurse Sylvia on the logs.

Off the logs. That is not standard operating procedure.

Dr Smooth, now - looking faster.

Oh! Argh...might want to get that looked at.

Ah! Now, prognosis is looking good.

One more jump and he'll get the all-clear.

Yes! A very quick two minutes and 11 seconds -

just what the doctor ordered. Well done, team.

-Woo!

-Next is student, Natalie.

She loves to dance... in a traditional Ukrainian style.

SHE CRASHES

I'm doing it! Ukrainian-style.

And in a Rochdale accent, unless I'm much mistaken. And she's off!

Look at those Roch-krainian legs go. Oh! Aww, she kissed the Snowman.

Probably a national tradition. Here she goes again.

Yes!

Granny's House. Granny speaks fluent Ukrainian.

But prefers sign language.

I think Natalie got the message, there.

Onto the Log Jam now and Natalie claims that

because of her Ukrainian shape, she can chop logs with her calves.

This should be interesting.

Certainly crunching those calves into action, there.

Preparing for the final jump.

She's going to do it! Yes! Yes...

No.

Oh, no!

Despite that fall, Roch-krainian Natalie finishes in two minutes

and 44 seconds - not bad.

I still can't breathe I'm that much out of breath,

and probably that unfit as well.

This is John from Edinburgh.

He's a whisky blender

and he knows his whisky.

THEY MAKE A TOAST

Bless you.

Oh, he's heading for the sideboard!

Watch out for the crystal decanter - it's just... Hmmm.

How is being a whisky blender going to help you out there today?

Primarily, it's all in the nose.

HE HICCUPS

-I think you're drunk.

-You're not wrong.

Like a good dram, I'm going to be balanced, smooth and dry to the end.

And I don't take my whisky with ice.

Puts on his whisky goggles. Ah, whisky vision. Handy.

Heading straight for last orders.

Oh, hang on - that's pretty impressive.

I don't know what that's about.

John's been a whisky blender for five years.

He's got a great sense of smell.

Not so sure about his vision or his balance.

I'm worried John's breath might melt the snow on Granny's House. Oh, no!

Kids, that's why you shouldn't drink.

He's going to have a headache in the morning.

Leaps Tevez.

Oh...

Oh!

Looks like a brawl in a celtic bar.

Let's see if those goggles help him on the Big Balls.

Onto the Travellator. That's nice.

Oh, hang on, he's a bit wobbly.

Oh, no! That didn't help. At all.

HICCUP!

Oh, dear.

So, Whiskey in the John finishes in a rather good 2:17.

Can someone get him a strong black coffee?

I think he's had one for the road.

I think possibly I shouldn't have had as many shots of my whiskey

before I went round, would have maybe been a better idea.

Next, this is John.

The second John.

This could get confusing. How am I meant to tell them apart?

Do you have any beardy heroes like,

I don't know, Karl Marx or... Noel Edmonds?

I think you can't go any further than Henry VIII.

Henry VIII is the beardiest beardie ever. He's fantastic.

I'm not sure about that. Didn't he get through six wives?

I hope he's not planning on following suit.

Actually, John II only has one wife whom he recently wed.

That was the last time he shaved, apparently. Oh!

Oh, no!

Probably regrets the whole beard now,

be kind of dragging him down, waterlogged.

The stairs, John!

It'll take days to dry it

and it's dragging him in the wrong direction.

I think all that facial hair's gone to his head.

Well, it's on his head, isn't it?

OK, the second set, same as the first.

Oh, exactly the same as the first.

Another right royal soaking.

John is an aspiring journalist

who will be looking to make headlines here, probably.

Maybe you could use your legs, it might actually help?

Overrated,

what's the point of a Travelator if...oh!

Right, we'll come back to John,

give him some time to compose himself and his beard.

Let's move on to, uh, John.

-Hello, hello, hello.

-Hold on, is everyone called John now?

I'm sorry, I need to consult the diagram.

"Is his name John?" Yes.

"Is he drunk?" No.

"Does he look like Henry VIII?"

No...no, he doesn't.

Then he must be John the policeman or John Prescott.

Was he Deputy Prime Minister between 1997 and 2007?

-No!

-No? No.

Then it's John the policeman! Right, sorted.

I'm a police officer, and nobody has ever got away from me yet,

so that's my claim to fame.

Our first speedy copper. I've got to see this. Can we do a beep test?

-Go for it.

-Beep!

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-What?

-Was that fast enough?

-No, you've got to run!

-Beep!

-Beep.

So, beep man John is on his, actually rather impressive, way.

Wow! Snowmen aren't giving him any trouble.

They don't want to get arrested for obstructing an officer.

-Beep.

-Beep.

-Beep.

On to Granny's House now,

she'll be glad to see a bobby on the beat, like the old days.

Oh! Ow.

John lives on a houseboat with no central heating

so this icy water shouldn't be a problem for him.

Here we go. One, two. Oh!

Oh, hang on, hang on.

Three...

Oh, John.

Four! Can he make the final leap?

Wow! Impressive work from the Southampton-based copper.

But no time to celebrate, he still has the Log Jam to go.

Still looking impressive.

John, you can do it!

I think he can.

No! No!

Still, 1:54 is a fantastic time

that puts John at the top of the snowboard.

Hold on, who's this?

I recognise the beard. Bob. Bill? Henry, oh, yeah! It's John II.

He's been on The Qualifier for over five minutes now

and looks like he's in no hurry.

Hang on, hang on. He's on his feet.

Can he victoriously beat the Log Jam?

Oh, no.

He's been sent down.

But credit where it's due.

It may not be the fastest time, nevertheless he made it!

That's the thing with all that hair on your face,

it's weighing you down, isn't it?

It is, it is. I was not prepared for this at all.

As you'd expect, beep man John is in pole position.

Whiskey in the John takes third

and ballet driver Lawrence is fifth.

Roch-krainian Natalie is in seventh

and right down at the bottom,

there's blue light Ben and John II,

sadly pushing sensible nurse Sylvia out of the top 12.

So far, 13 competitors have tackled The Qualifier.

Most of them have been called John, had beards and been drunk,

or all three of those things at once.

What's needed now

is a bit of grace, charm and poise to redress the balance.

Unfortunately, the rules stipulate I'm unable to compete,

so instead, here are the next three contestants.

There's Dom, a personal trainer from North London.

Listen up, men!

This missy is going to do full throttle,

and I'm in it to win it, so be-ware!

Then there's Stephanie, rugby player and chalet botherer.

Rrgh!

Go hard or go home!

Also saying "Rawr!" is mum and circus performer Sarah from Bedford.

I'm no walkover!

I'm going to annihilate this course! Woo!

So, Sarah's off to visit the Snowmen.

Oh.

Rugby player Stephanie, also struggling.

Yow.

Yeah, that's a scrum down she won't forget.

Here's personal trainer Dom to show them how it's done!

Ouch!

Well, that is one way to do it.

Granny's House now.

And she's met her match.

Sarah's a toughie.

Ah!

Not toughie enough, though.

Stephanie, ready for a ruck.

Definitely got one!

And then another one.

Now she's having a rolling maul with the Log Jam.

Nice try!

Unluckily, that second log doesn't have a bar bit on it.

Is this some sort of haka?

Maybe it could work. No, spoke too soon.

Let's see if Dom-bell can make it.

No, outcome's the same.

Last chance now for Cirque de Sarah. Pretty good.

And she lands on her imaginary trapeze!

Fantastic, without looking like a clown. Super work.

This is Sebastian.

He's what the kids call a cool dude,

a hip cat, a real slick daddy-o.

I don't think his cardigan fits properly, does it?

You literally are the coolest person I think I've ever seen in my life.

What's the umbrella for?

I can balance an umbrella.

-Will you wear my hat?

-Of course I will.

-And this is... is going to help?

-Now you're just showing off.

Nah, didn't help.

Seb and his cardie off to Granny's.

Too cool for her.

He's about to meet the coolest obstacles known to man,

the Big Red Balls. Who will come out the coolest?

Yeah. It's always the balls.

Sebastian sells his own clothing range from a market stall in London.

I wonder if he does enormous waistcoats.

Oh, good landing.

Up onto his feet.

Well done, a great time.

Joint first so far today.

This is Mark from Surrey.

Mark's known for his monster 'tache,

drumming and laid-back attitude to life.

-Woo! Woo!

-Warming up, I see.

-Woo!

-Woo-hoo!

-Woo-hoo! Woo!

HORN BLOWS

It's infectious, this whooping.

Blimey, look at him go.

Clears the Snowmen!

Howling Mark howls his way to Granny's House.

What traps has she got hidden?

Oh! A snare in the face.

-Woo!

-You can't stop this guy, he's back up for more.

And Granny gives him just that.

Is he just going to woo-hoo all the way around the course?

Oh, he is. He doesn't stop.

34-year-old Mark is a music lecturer

so he'll want to thrash out a big beat on the Big Red Balls

-for his students. Here he goes.

-Woo!

Yeah. Ooh!

Entertaining, all the same.

After that storming run, howling Mark comes home in 1:57.

Howl on. Final two to go.

That's Simon carrying his wife, Sheba.

Both are professional artists, and they live in their loveshack

on the delightfully-named Eel Pie Island.

I'm sorry, what on earth are the two of you doing?

We're doing your caricature. She's actually very pretty, isn't she?

I'm really curious now, are you finished yet? I want to see myself!!

Are we ready?

-Ha-ha-ha!

-Yeah, pretty good!

-I really like that. Simon?

-That's what I've done.

-I'm not as fast as her.

-I really like that, too!

-That's better.

Here we go!

Sheba's enjoying a bit of a boogie. I've no idea what Simon's doing.

Some serious '70s moves there.

-# That's the way...

-I've never heard of the '70s, I'm just too young.

-# That's the way...

-Oh, right in the pencil!

-# I like it...

-Sheba's turn - will she do better? No!

No! It also hurts!

Well recovered, though. What will Simon make of Granny's House?

-Not a lot.

-Oh, no, he's got an eel pie in the face!

Mmm, eel pie!

Now to get another artist's perspective on this...

Not that different, really.

Time to meet the art world's four meanest critics, the Big Red Balls.

Here he goes...

Yes...

Aagh!

Oh - they didn't think much of Simon's work.

Sheba's turn.

Runs along the Travelator.

Here we go... Oh, more harsh criticism from the Balls.

"I didn't like it. Mmm..."

-Simon now, on the Logs.

-Aaagh!

-Gets a bosh on the head.

-Aagh!

-And another bosh on the head.

-Aagh!

-And another - he's just getting boshed on the head.

One more log to go... Oh, no! Head first, straight in.

But he's done it. That puts him in 12th place, and into the next round.

And he's celebrating in the wrong direction.

Over here!

Sheba, sadly, with that, will not be going through. I think she knows it.

-But she came to do the course...

-Oh! Aagh!

Oh. ..even if that does mean falling off EVERYTHING.

Come on, give it some. Come on!

Nevertheless, she finishes in 4 minutes 34, a noble attempt.

Let's take a look at the final snowboard.

Seb and his Cardie and Beep Man John shared first place.

Speedy Pants Aaron squeezes into sixth.

In seventh, it's Ballet Driver Lawrence.

Then it's Dom-Bell in 10th, with Cirque du Sarah

and Sheba's Better Half grabbing the last two spots.

Don't worry, Sheba, I'm sure Simon will make it up to you.

MUSIC: "Je T'Aime" by Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg

# Je t'aime

# Je t'aime... #

-DOOR SLAMS

-Aaagh!

Aaagh!

Do we have to do cartoony jokes like that?

This is a serious sports star programme.

Hammond Gram for Richard! >

-Oh, for me!

-TICKING

It's probably that thing I ordered...

Yep, very funny. Hang on, there is a note in here. It says,

"Unfortunately, Lawrence had to withdraw from the competition,

"which means Sake Sian takes his place in Ski Lift.

"Sorry about the exploding package. Yours truly, the Head of the BBC.

"PS This is your cue to say goodbye to the losers."

Is it?

# Don't you

# Forget about me

# Don't, don't, don't, don't

# Don't you

# Forget about me

# I said, la, la-la-la-la

# La-la-la-la

# La-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-la... #

The Ski Lift - improving mountain travel since 1936.

-Although not always the safest.

-Ow! Ow!

But nothing wreaks havoc quite like the Winter Wipeout Ski Lift.

-Aaagh!

-Aaagh!

12 contestants, 12 podiums,

12 dangling handley...things.

Last five left hanging go through to the next round.

Hold on to your salopettes, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

I am so in love with life today.

The sun is shining, the snow is crisp and even

and the contestants are terrified beyond belief - what a perfect day!

It's Ski Lift. Are you all ready?

Yeah!

Three, two, one...!

Here's a quick who's who of who's riding Ski Lift.

Sheba's Better Half, Simon...

For you, Sheba, my queen, morituri te salutant!

Sebastian and his Cardy and Beep Man John.

What could possibly go wrong?

-Howling Mark...

-With the finest moustache in the land,

I shall endeavour to win the prize of ten grand.

-Rochkrainian Natalie...

-He-hee!

-Sake Sian...

-SHE SQUEALS

-Cirque du Sarah...

-Oh, my days!

-Good Egg Amy...

-I don't like it!

..and Dom-Bell.

Finally, there's Speedy Pants Aaron, Whisky In The John...

This blend is full-bodied and fiery - I'm sticking around.

..and Doctor Smooth...

I'm going to have a few more patients to treat after this game.

-# Smooth operator...

-Oh, I don't think they're interested.

And they're off! Well, they're still on, but the thing is off,

if you see what I mean - and so are the Ski Poles.

There's a lot of bicep work in this. Personally, I like doing chin-ups

whilst being swung about and squirted with snow - I imagine.

Whisky In The John safely over.

Simon, just opting for the...hover-and-hope.

Natalie - safe.

Dom-Bell, too.

Ooh, Sian's been hit!

And again!

I think she took out Dom!

And who's this? Sarah's down as well.

First to bow out was Sake Sian.

Yeah, not feeling my best at the moment.

Really disappointed to be the first one out.

I took Dom out as well, I don't know if she's happy with me.

Wrong place at the wrong time for Dom.

And Sarah made it a hat-trick.

Sian went off, knocked into Dominique, then the Sweeper came,

and I was just gone, basically, face planted in the snow.

So, nine still hanging, but the next round is for just five.

Natalie, rolling with the punches.

Now swinging...

Oh, she's not letting go!

She is like a crane from Ukraine!

-Aagh!

-Doctor Smooth, being treated rough!

-He's crashing - we've lost him.

-Who was that?!

# No need to ask, he's a smooth operator... #

You could compare it to the A&E room.

-There was stuff flying everywhere, it was crazy.

-Aagh!

I guess what I need to do is just work on my response time a bit.

-So...

-MUSIC STOPS

Eight remain. The next three to fall are out.

Ski Poles working well.

This is Natalie... Ooh, and she's out!

Very, very out.

I think my Ukrainian genes harboured my process a little bit

because of the, er, massive ghetto booty, it kept getting clipped.

-SQUEAKING

-The Ukrainian bum got in the way.

Aaagh!

The Ski Poles see neither gender nor race.

Everyone's just fodder. Whisky In The John coming round...

-Aaagh!

-Ooh, body blow! He's in!

-Highlander...flung.

-I've had some hangovers and some experiences in my life,

but nothing compared to that. Whoo!

Aagh!

If I've ever deserved a whisky, it's today.

Cheers! Best after, not before.

Six left hanging, but we only need five.

Ooh, is Amy about to go?

One more, people, just one more!

But who will just miss out on the next round?

There is Howling Mark, Beep Man John, Good Egg Amy,

Sebastian and his Cardy, Speedy Pants Aaron

and Sheba's Better Half, Simon.

And the Ski Poles are getting higher now.

Look at Simon and Mark - are they glued on?!

Sebastian go... Ooh, gone!

Oh!

People went in around me, so I was in a good position.

-I feel like I've wasted.

-Yeah, afraid you did.

-That little bit of extra height was all I needed.

-Yeah, I've said that.

So, the five going through are decided - why hasn't it stopped?

It's last man - or woman - hanging.

Oh, yeah, this bit is just for fun.

Here we go - Amy takes a whack... and cracks.

Never mind, she's still safely through, this is just for fun. Huh!

I'm not really sure how much higher those Ski Poles go.

But this lot are still jumping them.

Simon suffering - can he hold on?

Ooh...!

-Aagh!

-No, takes a well-earned dip.

Sheba's proud.

I'm not sure what happened, maybe he's just had enough.

Aaron hanging in there, Beep Man John, Aaron again...!

Takes a Ski Pole to the shoulder!

Howling Mark holding on for dear life. Oh, double whammy!

-Oo-hoo-hoo!

-What the first pole can't finish, the second certainly will.

Oh!

Just John and Aaron left, then, and on next door podiums, too.

John and Aaron are both airborne - they both want to win...

-Aagh!

-But the phlebotomist folds.

-Whoops-a-daisy!

Look how high that is, it's a miracle John made it over.

But he did, and can rightfully claim to be last man hanging.

-Ha-ha!

-Well done, John, give that man a...

There's nothing to give him, is there? No, no prize.

Towel - give him a towel.

What do you get if you take Winter Wonderland swap all the Ws for Bs?

-Binter Bonderland. >

-Do you?

OK. Then swap the first B back to a W.

Winter Bonderland? >

Then change the second N to an L, the D to a UN

and just lose the O entirely, and what have you got?

Ah-ha! It's Winter Blunderland!

There was probably an easier way of doing that.

Winter Blunderland begins with a sickening spin in the Winter Whizzy,

then a tricky totter across lots of wobbly bits,

whilst dodging snowballs from the Hansel and Gretel.

The last man or woman across is out of the competition.

The last four do it all again, last one across is eliminated,

leaving the three finalists to take on the Wipeout Zone.

They blunder here, they blunder there, those dizzy contestants blunder everywhere.

It's Winder Blunderland. Are you all ready?!

CLOCK TICKS

Yes! CLOCK STRIKES

That was speedy(!)

So, while they get a good spin cycle,

let's remind ourselves of the five Blunderers.

First, its Beat Man John, king of The Qualifier

and king of Ski Lift.

Then there's Howling Mark, who has not stopped howling.

HE HOWLS

Next, Speedy Pants Aaron.

Thank goodness he put some clothes on.

Good egg Amy. Let's hope her luck doesn't run out.

And finally, Sheba's better half, Simon.

He's now doing it for the both of them.

THEY GROAN

And so the whirling stops, though possibly not in their heads.

Or stomachs.

Now, Aaron's off. To the left.

-Aaron nearly knocked the cameraman down.

-He's first to the Frosty Flipper, though.

Mark's joined him. And stolen the lead. Crankshaft is next. Oh, Mark!

He took that too quickly. Yep.

Back at the start now, it's Amy. Speedy Pants is now ahead.

Yes! Next stop, the R-terror-tator.

Well, not so much a stop as a spinning thing with bits on. Here we go.

Ooh! And he's on to the Iceberg.

One more jump now and Aaron is safely through to the second heat.

Here we go. Yes! That was very well done indeed.

CHEERING

Save that energy, you're going to need it.

Amy on the R-terror-tator now. Mark closing the gap.

Now they're both on. There's traffic.

Mark, what a move!

Leapfrogged Amy.

Amy's on as well. Mark's through simultaneously.

OK, Amy, now focus. Here comes her chance.

And she's through. That means either Simon or John is about to get axed.

Simon is way back on the Crankshaft.

But John is headed for the Iceberg, and he's... no!

Oh-ho-ho!

That Iceberg is... Well, it's as slippery as ice.

And that's really bad news for John.

Because here comes Simon to steal the final spot in the next heat.

Oh, no!

He's gone in as well. They're both... Well, they're both in the water there.

But because Simon fell on the crankshaft,

he has to swim back to the start of that obstacle.

Meanwhile, John is a ladder ahead. Can he keep his lead? This is tense!

-SHE LAUGHS

-These snowballs are just the right weight to be annoying.

John takes on the R-terror-tator again.

Just about stays on this time. Can he seal the deal?

Yes. Beat Man John is through, which means Sheba's better half, Simon,

can now join his wife.

What conclusion can you draw from Winter Blunderland?

-It stopped you from going all the way.

-It's not the sort of thing an old man should really

be attempting, to be honest with you.

I should be sitting by the river bank with a glass of wine,

watching the river flow. This is insane.

Yeah, it is. Heat two.

-Ah, love this song.

-# Madness, madness, they call it madness... #

Makes me want to dance.

# Madness, madness, they call it madness.

Oh, no, that doesn't.

A bit of sick came up.

Oh, a little reverse spin there for good measure.

And Amy is first out. It was a slow start for her last time.

It looks like she's picked up the pace this time.

But here's Howling Mark. Watch out!

Eager beaver.

Throwing himself head first into this heat.

Aaron and Amy.

Ooh! Just Aaron now.

Here comes John again. Oh!

Aaron on the Crank Shaft. Looks like he's taken a knock.

So does Mark, who's back at the start.

But he's quickly across the Frosty Flipper.

Looks like everybody's picking up the pace now.

Everybody wanting those places. Oh...

-No!

-Mark's in trouble.

That's an amazing recovery!

But Aaron's onto the Iceberg

and one jump away from bagging a spot in today's Wipeout Zone.

Will he make it?

Ohhh!

But John's having a go now, and he's in. But Aaron's done it!

CHEERING

He is through. What else happened there? Stuff. It was busy.

As Aaron leapt, Mark also took a tumble on the Iceberg.

Walking wounded.

But all of that leaves the path clear for Amy.

Her lucky egg has got her through. She is in the Wipeout Zone.

Just glides across the finish line there.

One spot left then.

Will it be Beat Man John's or will it be Howling Mark's?

Oh! Even John admires that throw. It was good, but he's powering through.

And he's done it. John is in the Wipeout Zone.

And that's bad news for Mark.

He and his 'tache are out of Winter Wipeout.

I thought you had strong drumming arms!

-What happened to those strong arms?

-Oh, clumsy.

Power was not in the 'tache after all.

Er, I wouldn't want to answer that one.

That's that then. The finalists have been selected by fate.

Fate taking the form of a lot of snow, and cold water.

Today's show alone has produced so many heroes.

So many men and women have risen to the extreme challenges

thrown at them, and succeeded in the face of extraordinary odds.

It's hard to remember just how many heroes, in fact.

-Three, same as always.

-That is a pretty big number.

So let's now hear from today's heroes,

each and every three of them.

Getting to the Wipeout Zone, my friends at home will love it.

They'll see me getting smashed on bits of this course.

They'll be rubbing their hands with glee.

I'm a fun-loving surfer dude policeman. Beep!

Living on a boat, does that help? A little bit.

I like windsurfing, that's helped.

The lucky egg's been very good. I'm glad it's here with me in Argentina.

I think this thing's been my absolute blessing.

Amy and her lucky egg, eh?

This is going to see me win the Winter Wipeout final!

I'm not going to crack her lucky egg. Dirty tactics are left at home.

The big red balls, what can I say? I made it. Chuffed to bits about that.

Winter Wipeout throws you around, twists you round

and spits you out the other side. It's amazing.

I hated the Ski Lift. It's so scary!

The Ski Lift was my round. Last man standing.

-I was one chuffed little bunny.

-John is fit as a fiddle.

-He's like a springbok.

-John was impressive in the first two rounds,

then struggled on Winter Blunderland.

So maybe he's getting tired.

Amy's done really well. She's surprised me.

-Good on her for getting here.

-I am representing the girls.

I think I'm tough enough to beat the boys.

Aaron, he's been consistent throughout.

Younger than me, but I'm not scared of Aaron.

If I win tonight, I will be absolutely over the moon.

I am the fastest policeman, so I've got a chance.

It's a bit of bragging rights, to say, I won that, I did that.

I've not really won anything big in the past.

So this is definitely the biggest thing I've won... I WOULD have won.

That was a bit confident!

It's the Wipeout Zone, and it's a fairytale here tonight.

Snow White and the three finalists.

John, he's happy.

Aaron, he's bashful, and Amy, well, she's grumpy,

because she is the first to go.

Me and my lucky egg are going to beat those boys!

Well, hold on, Amy, you're about to be flung from the Flingamajig.

Oh, we have take off! And a landing.

-Great nose-holding technique too, if you watch. Good effort.

-SHE SCREAMS

Right, the clock has started. Yes. Swim.

Oh, I do hope her lucky egg is not in her pocket,

because it would probably be squashed by now.

Amy is onto her first quest, climbing the North Pole. Here we go.

-Oh, slipped, slipped.

-Ooh! Not such a good start.

She's back on, taking the safe crawling approach. And that worked.

Next, the Icy Stairs. There is no banister here,

just got to hold on for dear life as Amy's already experiencing.

Yes, onto the second.

-The stairs really going for it.

-Be careful.

She's setting a time to beat, so her form now could be crucial.

-Yes, she's onto the third set and holding on.

-Come on, Amy!

Nearly at the top. Then she'll be halfway there.

Yes! She's made it halfway.

It's downhill from here.

Oh! Careful, no, no, no!

Got to take that next step. It is terrifying, come on, Amy!

-Oh no! Ohh!

-No!

-Oh...

Oh, a slip plus a trip equals a pretty big dip.

Amy back on and ready from the Ice Picks. Here she goes.

Oh no, no, careful!

Oooh, ooh!

Good recovery, and thank goodness for that.

-Tackles the Fright-cicles and heads for the middle.

-Yes!

Can she make it off the other side now?

Here she goes, she braves it...

-Oh no!

-No, no, no!

And it's her third fall which has cost her some time.

Another ladder climb.

And a run down to the next obstacle, which is the Snowflakes.

Used to be impossible, but now, technically possible, apparently.

-Oh no, no, they still look pretty impossible to me.

-Oh!

It's the final climb for Amy. It has been immense,

but it could still be the fastest time today, we don't yet know.

4 minutes, 34 seconds.

-That is the time to beat.

-What a cracking job that was.

-It's wet!

-It certainly was. You had a few tumbles.

I got very winded on the catapult.

Well, you put in another spectacular performance,

-in a time of 4 minutes and 34 seconds.

-Thanks.

-That's brilliant. Yours is the time to beat, Amy.

-It is, it is.

-Aaron's next ago, let's watch.

-Over to Aaron.

-There's no place like home but bring it on!

-No, it's not home.

There's no place like flailing around in the air, that's the thing. Look. Ooh!

Good landing, though! Stylish.

-Whoa!

-Wow!

So, Aaron's battle begins. Making his way to the North Pole.

4 min 34 the time to beat.

I'd describe that as a time that is actually beatable, let's see.

No falls there. Now for the Icy Stairs.

Come on, Aaron!

He's onto the first.

Securing his footing.

Just about. Now for the second...

Oh, he's off! That is an early fall for the phlebotomist.

Because he didn't reach the middle stair it's back to the beginning.

and that target of 4 min 34 is looking a little less beatable all of a sudden.

Second attempt on the Icy Stairs. He's on.

Makes it to the second. Yes.

-And the third.

-That's it, Aaron!

The left, hold onto the left. Hold on to the left!

And he's got to the middle, that's important,

cos if he falls this time he won't have to swim back to the start.

Now just the descent. Looks like he's starting to speed up now.

CHEERING

And he's cleared it. Ice Picks now. Whoa!

Nearly gets picked off by a pick, but grabs on.

Oh my goodness!

Onto the Fright-cicles now, straight to the middle.

Really picking up the pace now.

Timing his launch, he's across.

Aaron's time looking really good.

Oh, he's not bad on the Snowflakes either. This is amazing!

Can he be only the second person to ever do them? Yes, he can!

2 minutes and 27 seconds is a phenomenally quick time

for Speedy Pants Aaron.

And he's pleased with it.

A bit of a cool customer out there, weren't you?

Oh, that was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

-Listen, there was blood.

-Oh!

And sweat.

-But no tears, Aaron, because you were faster than Amy!

-Yes!

-Hard luck, my darling, go and join the others.

-Well done.

Well done.

Oh, Aaron, you know what this means.

-50/50!

-Let's watch John.

So far so good. Now watch me blue light the Wipeout Zone.

And there it is.

Wow! Superb dive, 10 out of 10 for execution. That looked really good!

-Whoa!

-Right, swimming to the North Pole

with an exceptionally fast time in his sights.

He's got a lot to do.

Beat Man John has got to give it some welly on the Icy Stairs

to beat Speedy Pants Aaron.

Welly is just what he is giving it.

Ooh!

Onto the second stair.

We know he has a record of always catching the guy he's chasing.

Having never lost a chase with a robber, he looks determined

to make sure he's on the winning side tonight.

He's made it to the top of the Icy Stairs.

Come on, John!

Fine sportsmanlike cheering from Speedy Pants Aaron there.

And it's helping. John is doing superbly. One last jump.

Yes!

Looks like he's going to make this.

Yep, he's made it across with no faults.

This is where Aaron was super fast.

Can John match his Ice Pick accomplishments?

Oh, no, no!

He's fallen.

Just as things were starting to look really rosy for John,

he fell at the third pick.

He's going to have to do some pretty fast beep test-type running

to beat Aaron.

-And he's over.

-There he goes.

Speedy boy, speedy copper.

Waiting for his perfect moment.

It's in the timing. Here we go.

And he's cleared it again.

Now for the technically possible impossible Snowflakes.

The times are so close, this is going to have to be perfect.

And it is looking pretty perfect.

Oh, this is an incredible run!

Oh my goodness. Come on, John! Whoa!

With just four seconds to spare, John snatches the crown!

Yes! Over to Amanda.

-What fun!

-You've been having fun here all day, haven't you?

-It's been a great day.

-Still smiling.

-Guys, there was four seconds

between the two of you here tonight.

John, you were always known

as the copper who catches the guy he's chasing.

You were chasing Aaron tonight.

-And you caught him, you are the Winter Wipeout champion!

-Yes!

Congratulations.

So, John Woodfield,

the 40-year-old police officer from Southampton is today's champion

and takes home £10,000, a trophy, and maybe just a touch of frostbite.

John will be returning in a few weeks for Winter Wipeout, the final.

That's it for this show,

but don't forget to switch over now to BBC Eight

for the spin-off sister show, Winter Wipeout: Uncut And Unsafe,

to see all the naughty bits and cheeky words

that were too extreme for teatime viewing.

Plus an interview with Amanda Byron's recently sacked dog walker, I imagine.

So, from Amanda and me, until next time, it's goodbye.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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