Episode 7 Winter Wipeout

There are many seasonal knockabout game shows that I present. There's Summer Swipeout.

Spring Splashout And, of course,

Richard Hammond's Autumn Disco Crazy Mega Party 2012.

But none are as wintery or wipeout-y as Winter Wipeout.

20 frostbitten contestants, including a farmer,

a bollard salesman and a comedian

have travelled to a snow-covered wonderland

in a bid to win £10,000.

One will do that.

The other 19 will not do that.

Let the Autumn Disco Crazy Mega-Party 2012 begin!

Sorry, wrong show.

Welcome to a very special episode of Winter Wipeout,

because this week's show is the vampire special.

If I'm completely honest, I'm not too happy about it.

I said we should give pirate specials one last go,

but nobody listened.

Apparently there's a "do a vampire special" clause in my contract.

I really should read those things.

Right, so on with the contractually obligated vampire special.

Three, two, one....

EVIL LAUGH

Hah.

This is what the competitors must face today, The Qualifier.

Spooky, like vampires.

Ski Lift. Scary, like vampires.

Winter Blunderland. Evil, like vampires.

Finally, the Winter Wipeout Zone.

Painful, like these fake vampire teeth. My gums are really hurting.

Forget it. I'm not doing this any more. Vampire special is over.

I don't want anything to do with vampires from now on.

Right, over to my, and I'm not saying spooky co-host, Amanda Byram on the qualifier course.

I'm not going to do another Dracula laugh.

In fact, I think my gums are bleeding.

Call me an ambulance. Don't just sit there.

Now, occasionally you meet a contestant whose job

couldn't be more appropriate for the Winter Wipeout qualifier.

Sadly, that's not the case right now because Jason is a bollard seller.

Jason, I have always wanted a bollard, so can you sell me one?

Of course I can, Amanda.

This is a bollard, would you like a bollard?

Give us a clue, this isn't charades.

You're are going to have a good laugh when you see my bollards.

He loves bollards, I love bollards, this is going to be great!

Come on!

Come on!

And off goes Jason

and his first Qualifier obstacle will be this...

It's a snowball fight, the like of which you've never seen before.

Six gigantic snowballs, one narrow beam.

And the competitors have no snowballs to throw back,

which isn't a very fair snowball fight, really. No.

Here goes Jason Bollards.

Oh no! He lost that snowball fight,

suddenly and quite badly.

They're really big.

Three more snowballs to go.

Come on, Jase!

But Jason is doing it in style!

-Forget what I said about style.

-SHE LAUGHS

This is awesome! Come on!

Let's see what granny's got.

Well Jason, funny you should ask, today on offer at Granny's house

we have a pie, a dog and two doors that are always open to visitors.

# She's just a devil woman, with evil on her mind

# Beware the devil woman, she's gonna get you... #

Let's see if Granny is interested in buying a bollard.

#Beware the devil woman, she's gonna get you... #

Oh! Maybe not today, Jason. No.

And that's how Granny deals with salesmen. Goodbye!

Now, Jason must evade Granny's dog, Tevez.

Ah, look at his face.

Oh! Right in the ankle. Little nipper.

Might want a tetanus shot after that, actually.

-LAUGHS

-Those luminous "go faster" stripes

don't seem to be working, do they?

Now, an obstacle that needs no introduction,

or did I just introduce it? I did, didn't I?

Well, it's the Big Red Balls!

Come on, Jason. You can do this.

Think of it as four big red bollards.

Oh!

-Route one head bomb. Classic.

-Oof!

-Ooh, yeah.

-SCREAMS

Another ladder for Jason. But at the top of this one,

is his final Qualifier challenge, the Log Jam.

As well as staying on top of those bucking logs, the Winter Wipeouters

must also jump through hoops to qualify. Well, hoop singular.

Come on then. Show us how it's done.

# Let me see you move that hoop, let me see you move it... #

And here we... Oh! Ooh!

-If Jason wants a quick time, he needs to get serious.

-Look at his smiley, happy face.

I don't think he's taking it seriously at all.

-LAUGHS

-Oh, come on.

Concentrate.

And... Oh!

He really is a master of the head bomb. Look at that.

Remember, only the fastest 12 qualify for the next round.

Will Jason be among them?

-He finishes in four minutes 14 seconds.

-Woo! Ooh, careful.

Give me you hand. Come on.

Where's his head gone? He looks like a turtle.

-Save yourself, man.

-Thank you.

-Jason, how are you doing?

-I'm good.

I could do that again.

I loved it, it were chuffing great.

The next contestant to dip their toes into the icy Qualifier

is Judy, a horn-playing company director from Cambridge.

She looks like lots of fun.

Are you ready for this? Are you ready?

I don't think I am.

PLAYS BLUE PETER THEM TUNE

Remind me, this helps on the Qualifier, how?

Amazing, Judy!

I'm here to prove age is just a number

and I'm going to blast...

my way around this course.

Oh, Judy.

Judy's off.

She's about to face six snowballs and that is just a number, remember.

Yes, ooh!

# I feel your breath in my face... #

That's amazing! 55-year-old Judy's made it past the Snowballs!

Now, Granny's age is 103, which is also just a number,

but a very, very big one.

Ooh! Pie-faced.

Doesn't matter how old she is. Granny's still highly dangerous.

# Just a fool to believe

# She's like the wind

# Just a fool to believe... #

DISTORTS AND FADES OUT

There they go.

They're going nowhere Judy.

Yes, oh! She's got a sort of second wind, maybe,

so, here we go. This is it.

Judy edging her way over, and ready?

Whoa! Age is just a number after all!

Come on, Judy!

She's doing really well. Through the hoop, bit.

# I'm horny, horny, horny tonight... #

Apparently, Judy's husband Derek thinks she's outgoing and funny...

And I concur.

The Log Jam's got no respect for the, ahem,

the person of the larger number that's just a number, shall we say?

But Judy has grabbed this course by the tenor horns

and finishes in 3 minutes 44 seconds, which is also just a number. Remember.

# ..I wish I could be... #

Water.

It covers over 100% of the earth's surface,

and an even higher percentage of the Winter Wipeout course.

Many species thrive in water.

The friendly dolphin,

the friendly duck,

and the creepy-looking water boatman.

-SQUEAKY VOICE

-Ahoy there!

But it's not the natural habitat for all.

Owen, can't swim.

Emily, hates water up her nose.

And Chanis, just hates water.

Together they are The Aquaphobics.

How will they survive their journey to the end of The Qualifier?

Only time will tell.

My name's Owen and I can't swim, so my plan is to not fall in!

How did health and safety agree to this?

OK, he's off.

Oh no! No! His strategy's failed!

And he's in again.

Now here's Chanis.

She's keeping out of the wet stuff and she's across. Yes!

Emily, trying hard to keep water out of her nose. Ooh!

Great nose-holding technique nicely done, Emily.

Back to Sinkable Owen at the balls.

Can he stay dry this time?

No! Thank goodness for life-jackets. The horror!

Emily on the Log Jam, prepared with her nose-holding technique.

Ooh! Right in the hooter. That caused some serious water damage.

No need to hold it, it's all mashed up.

# Tick-tickle, splash, splash... #

Ow.

# Tell me how long will this thing last? #

Here's Chanis. Doesn't look too happy about the rain,

about to attempt Log Jam.

Ooh! Holy water! Wow!

Wow!

Just, wow!

Definitely does not want to get wet, at any cost.

That was revolutionary.

Incredible.

A water-damaged Emily finishes in four minutes 46.

Sinkable Owen completes the course in four minutes 18.

And Revolutionary Chanis is the fastest of the bunch,

two minutes 54 seconds. Not bad for an Aquaphobic.

Joining Amanda at the top of the course is Stephen from Cambridge.

I'm told he's here to defend a much-maligned art form.

If a dad dances, we should be proud. We should,

you know, fight our corner and I do that with gusto.

I'll fight that corner, Stephen,

but sadly, dads are only able to do one dance move,

and for those of you not aware of that dance move, it is this...

CLUB MUSIC

Let's see Stephen's skills.

# Everyday, I'm shuffling. #

Woo!

LAUGHS

The beat will attack you!

# Shuffling, shuffling. #

LAUGHS

You're thinking hot, right? Hot, yes?

-I'm thinking I've never wanted you more!

-I get that a lot.

Phillippa, Fraser, Michael, Ben,

I know you guys just love it when a dad dances.

So let's dance. Woo!

Hey, come on, he's got four kids.

You can't knock the Dad Dancing, and that is good.

MUSIC: "No Limit" by 2Unlimited.

Tune! Look at his fancy footwork. This is looking great.

Ooh, yes actually. Hang on.

Stephen is genuinely busting some moves here!

Here we go! Ooh!

Ow! Now he's bust his face. Yes. Oh.

Ah. Sorry, kids. Didn't hurt. (It did.)

Now, the Dad Dance Master to the balls.

Come on, Stephen. Make my day.

# Get you booty on the floor tonight... #

Well, I've had better days.

-MUSIC: "Dr Beat", by Gloria Estefan.

-Another tune!

-Come on, Stephen, think of the kids.

-No, think of the dads, for us all!

Oh! No.

Bit of water in his ears.

He even falls with dad rhythm. Look at that.

Yes, special.

# Won't you help me, Dr Beat? #

And Dad Dancemaster Stephen

boogies stylishly home in two minutes, nine seconds, which is impressive.

Yep, he's still got some embarrassing moves,

left in the old boy yet.

CLUB MUSIC

This is so liberating!

Hey everyone, we dance like dads, and we're proud!

Dancing dads are going to take over the world,

just like they're taking over the Snowboard...

Dad Dance Master Stephen has shuffled his way to the top of the snowboard.

He is an inspiration.

Followed in second and third by Revolutionary Chanis and Just A Number Judy.

Jason De Bollard is in fourth place,

with Sinkable Owen just about keeping his head above water.

And finally, a water damaged Emily is in sixth place.

Right, on with the competition!

Next is Patrick.

He is a Frenchman, ooh la la.

And he works for London Underground, ooh, la tube.

Very continental.

And here's the map Patrick will be using for his journey to the finish.

Stand clear of the doors!

Oh! That's going to cause delays.

Oh, leaves on the line!

Oh and again.

Now to Granny's House.

Better mind the doors.

Ooh! That's going to cause some serious delays.

I think he's snapped his goggles in half! Wow!

# Going underground... #

Please mind the gap

between the Travelator and the Big Red Balls.

First stop. Second stop...

Oh la la.

Definitely a head on collision there.

Where do you go here?

I'm sorry, but Le Patrick Line

will be delayed by approximately two minutes while the driver checks his map.

This is Kev from Cardiff.

He's a cocktail barman and an internet-ordained Reverend.

Interesting CV.

The Cocktail Rev Kev at the Log Jam.

He'd probably call that a Singapore Sling.

He's been shaken and stirred, but he's back on his feet.

Can he make it through the strainer?

Yes. He's through.

Nice. Served over ice.

So Cocktail Rev Kev has mixed things up

with a time of two minutes 52 seconds.

I feel like I've gone through a massive cocktail shaker

and been flayed by one of the best barmen in the world,

by doing that part of the cause.

It's been crazy.

And look, we're nearly at the end of Le Patrick Line.

He finishes in three minutes 29 seconds.

Please ensure you have your belongings with you before leaving the train.

Hope you had a pleasant journey. Who's next?

Ooh fire! That's Karen. She scares me a bit.

She's 24, from Portsmouth and is a sandwich maker. Mmm, toasties.

What exactly is it you do with fire?

Fire breathing, fire eating, body burning

and poi which is like nunchucks but spinning around.

I'm a fierce fire starter and I'm going to set this course alight!

Fire Starter Karen blazes off.

She's on fire!

No, wait, she is actually on fire! Woah!

Now to Granny's House. Oh watch the... Oh!

Oh, she did it!

Watch out for the dog. Yes, and watch out for the door!

Ooh! Oh...

That's put her fire out.

Can Karen set the balls alight? Not literally, they're not insured...

Wow! Whoa!

# Feelin' hot, hot, hot... #

Karen to the Log Jam.

Logs and fire, normally a good combination,

and it's working out well for Karen. Here she goes. Ooh, yes.

Do the hoopy thing.

Oh no! Her fire's been put out again.

Fire Starter Karen's time is a scorching two minutes one second.

That is fast.

Now, call the local fire station and pray they're not on a siesta.

# I'm on fire... #

LAUGHS

Hello!

Ooh-aar, ooh-arr, ooh-arr!

This is Tristan.

He's 20, from Dorset and he must be cold.

Could someone get him some long johns? Or mittens? A snood maybe? It's going to be chilly.

Now, if you were to win the money, what would you do with it?

-It's going to be put towards my own tractor.

-Not a combine harvester?

No, I've not got the license to drive that, unfortunately.

I love you.

Amanda does love a man in wellies.

I'm farmer Spark, and I'm going to plough my way across this course.

Amanda there, dreaming of country life.

And he's off.

That's the fastest tractor driver I've ever seen!

LAUGHS

Ooh and indeed, arr! That is impressive. Yes.

He fell over there but he got up again. On to Granny's House.

Oops! No!

-Oh no!

-Poor Amanda. You know what it's like. You fancy a boy,

take him to Granny's House, then she smashes him in the face with a door.

# Ooh, ah, just a little bit... #

Right, Big Red Ball time.

He's probably been practicing with big red radishes on the farm.

Maybe not.

No regard for his own safety whatsoever.

This is still a very fast time from this jet-powered tractor.

Log Jam. I wonder if he sells that in his farm shop?

I get the feeling Tristan doesn't weigh anything.

I think gravity's given up on him. This is impressive.

On his feet, one last time. Can he make it?

And, oh...

# Oh wow, look at me now... #

Oh...

That's less impressive. Amanda doesn't seem impressed either.

I wish all tractor drivers were as fast as Jet Tractor Tristan

who finishes the course in a speedy two minute 13 seconds.

Meet Ambar.

She's a 19-year-old student from Swansea.

She loves to slob in front of the TV.

This is Sarah. She's a stand up comedian and a mum of one.

This is Katy. She's also a student

and is in the university training core.

She's one tough student kitty, is she?

Finally, this is Nikki.

She's a gym instructor from Crosby and she is a mum too.

Brilliant, I have always wondered who would win in a race between students and mums.

See? It's up on my list of big questions.

How did the universe begin?

Is morality learned or is it hard-coded into our DNA?

And who would win in a race between students and mums, students or mums?

It is this last one that's always baffled me. These are easy.

So Sarah is off.

And trying to avoid the Big Snowballs, yes, oh!

Doesn't avoid the water.

Tough Kitty Katy,

doesn't even avoid the balls.

Gym instructor Nikki now, at Granny's House.

Oh, looks like she's stretching her hamstrings, there.

And many, many other muscles, I suspect.

She must be warming up, maybe, just getting ready.

Meanwhile Ambar's, well,

adjusting her wardrobe, what there is of it. I wasn't looking.

Tevez's bite is definitely worse than his bark.

Come on, Balls!

Nikki, motivating herself for the Balls now.

I'm not sure exactly what she was telling them.

Tough Kitty Katy's go. Here comes that student corps training.

Katy spends a lot of time in water, for a cat, I've noticed.

Oh!

Stand-up Mum Sarah, trying very hard to be serious.

That didn't work at all. Look at that.

Maybe she's just got funny bones. And a couple of broken ones as well.

Ha-ha. Student Ambar's turn. Whoa, where's she going?

Tough Kitty Katy graduates

with an honorary time of two minutes 11 seconds.

Stand-up Mum Sarah not quite as impressive, three minutes 32.

Motivated Mum Nikki instructs herself in

to finish in three minutes 45 seconds.

Bringing up the rear is Ambar And Her Shorts.

So Katy's answered one of my big questions.

Students are faster than mums.

So, no-one need ever ask that question again.

How does that affect the Snowboard?

Burning her way to the top,

past Stephen the dancing dad, I love that guy, it's Firestarter Karen.

Tough Kitty Katy

and Jet Tractor Tristan are following closely behind.

Cocktail Rev Kev is in fifth place with Stand-up Mum Sarah in eighth.

Motivated Mum Nikki and Ambar And Her Shorts are in tenth

and eleventh.

And Jason The Bollard is just clinging on to twelfth place.

This is Jon. And he is an ice sculptor. And he looks like, well,

a man in a purple skirt with purple hair. That's not real.

Confidence and determination are two things

that you really need, here, for Winter Wipeout.

Do you have those in your ice bucket?

Yeah, at the end of the day, you've got to take life,

you've got to get hold of it with both hands.

If you stand back too much, you won't get the chance

to set yourself a marker.

When you set yourself a marker, you can move from that.

That's where your confidence and passion comes.

It's the ability to set a marker,

achieve that marker... JON'S VOICE IN FAST FORWARD

You're watching Winter Wipeout. Please do not adjust your set.

This has to stop soon.

I'm keen, real keen to go.

-Are you out of breath?

-Slightly.

So, can Jon's feet move as fast as his mouth?

Well, they can so far. Wow! They really can.

He's actually in fast forward.

Now, can he talk his way past Granny's House?

Here we go. Ducks.

Oh, slides. Oh, no, not really.

But he is still flying.

Takes a leap onto the Balls.

Sorry to his friends at home, he does, now,

have quite a lot to talk about. Oh, here we go.

Oh, oh. That's not good.

Ow, oh, right on the jaw.

Hope that doesn't affect his talking.

Maybe they'll have to wire it.

He is so fast, though, his trousers couldn't keep up.

And Gibberish Jon finishes in a speedy two minutes 26 seconds.

Well done. Don't tell us about it.

On her way to the top of the course, now, is Abi.

She's a chemical engineering student.

And seems to have trouble controlling her limbs.

She must drop a lot of test tubes, I'm guessing.

This is for all of the gangly nerds out there who love corn on the cob.

Sorry. Did I say she? I meant he. Nice moustache, sir.

I'm confused. And he's off.

Oh. He really is off.

A distinguished fall, as you'd expect from a gentleman.

On to Granny's House, now. She doesn't like strange men.

Doing well.

Ooh! Granny really doesn't like strange men.

Abi on the Travelator.

But can he cross the Big Balls with his manly pink shoes?

No, apparently not.

But he is fast in the water.

So Abi attempts the Log Jam.

Hang on. His moustache has gone.

What's happening?

Oh wait. I see what's happening.

Must've had a sneaky shave.

Abi Tache finishes the course in just two minutes two seconds.

Not bad for a wobbly gentleman.

It was brilliant. Brrrth.

It was brilliant. Vom.

Next is Sam. He likes computer games,

he plays computer games and sells computer games.

I imagine this is the first time he's ever seen outside.

I've spent years playing video games.

This course has got nothing I've not seen before.

OK.

Off goes Sam on his epic quest for points and burgers.

He's got nothing yet. Level Two, Granny's House.

Get up, it's not an obstacle.

Oh. Narrow miss. Some unnecessary flailing.

Granny wins.

-You lose.

-Ha-ha-ha.

His power levels are definitely failing.

Pac Sam onto the Balls.

Oh, good, he needed a burger.

Ah, oh, no, no. Maybe one burger too many.

# I don't want to play this game no more. #

Unfortunately, Sam, you've not finished yet.

Pac Sam to the Log Jam. Hey, that rhymes.

Oh, ow!

This is one platform game he's not enjoying, is he?

This is not going well. At least he gets a style bonus.

Definitely game over for Pac Sam.

But will his time of three minutes 43

be enough to see him through to the next level?

Oh, Jesus.

I pretty much ran out of all my lives when I was on there.

Just, game over. Absolutely terrible.

Welcome to the annual Winter Wipeout dance off.

This year, competing for the street dancers is Kerry,

a dance school vice principal from Worcester.

From Fareham, 53-year-old Rob will be hip-swivelling his way

across the course for the swingers.

And, finally, it's a pair of feet.

Belonging to Tom from Ipswich, representing the tappers.

It's tap versus swing versus street.

First to go, it's Kerry

And she's off.

She's tough, even for a street girl.

Swinging things, not her thing, obviously.

But it is Rob's.

Of course.

I wonder if Granny would fancy a dance partner in Rob?

That'd be a no.

# I'm never gonna dance again. #

Look at him move.

Out the way of that massive pie.

So, Tappy Toes Tom's go.

Oh, yeah, just watch those feet glide.

He's, as you would expect, quick on his feet.

Oh, and quickly off his feet.

Swing Thing Rob, about to go dancing with the Big Balls.

Yup, oh. They sure know how to make him move!

In a spinny, bouncy, splashy way.

# Come on, baby

# Let's do the twist. #

Looking good.

Street Wise Kerry is at the Log Jam.

Oh, oh, look, she's, actually, getting sawn in half.

I don't want to see that again. Oh, stupid replay.

Street Wise Kerry finishes in three minutes exactly.

Come on!

Swing Thing Rob glides to the finish line in three minutes 30.

But where is Tappy Toes Tom?

I see, he's performing a little routine on the Travelator

before facing the Big Balls.

And now... What is...? How? Eh? How? Who? Wow!

Wow.

That is one impressive Wobbly Ball crossing.

He actually did it.

This has to be one of my favourite Ball-crossings of all time.

And now he's making the Log Jam look easy.

That's an incredible run.

-Get in.

-Get in.

Tappy Toes Tom sets a Winter Wipeout record. One minute 21 seconds.

I'm shocked. I can't believe it. I'm genuinely, like, shocked.

I looked at them as you're coming along the conveyer

and I saw them in front of me and I thought, no, no way.

-But I did it. I've done it!

-And how do you celebrate?

Jazz hands. Yeah.

So, the final 12 qualifying for the Ski Lift are Tappy Toes Tom

who tops the Snowboard.

Abi Tache is in third, there's Dad Dancemaster Steve. I love that guy.

Gibberish Jon has talked his way into seventh place

with Street Wise Kerry coming in at a respectable tenth.

Swing Thing Rob has just managed

to squeeze himself into twelfth place

meaning he's the final competitor to qualify for Ski Lift.

Sadly, it's time to say goodbye to those eight people

who didn't make it onto the Snowboard.

# You're blowing my mind

# People, believe me That man is mine

# It should have been me

# No, oh, oh

# You know it should have been me

# Oh, ho

# It should have been me

# Oh, oh. #

It's so sad having to say goodbye to eight competitors so soon.

I don't know how I'm supposed to move on after that.

Do you know what, I am, I'm moving on,

I'm learning to live with the memory.

So, moving on, it's Ski Lift.

Here are the rules for Ski Lift.

Rule 1. Hang onto the handles and don't let go.

Rule 2. Don't get knocked off by the massive, spinning Ski Poles

that gradually get higher.

Rule 3. No bombing or heavy petting.

Rule 4. Don't get blinded by the blizzard.

Rule 5. The last five competitors left hanging

qualify for the next round.

Rule 6. The competition only begins when an Irish co-presenter says so.

Baby, it's cold outside and in the air and in the water.

In fact, it's flipping freezing everywhere.

It must be Ski Lift. Are you all ready?

Yeah!

Three, two, one.

Time for a reminder of today's Ski Lifters.

Fastest on the Qualifier and qualified Ball-crosser,

it's Tappy Toes Tom.

For all the dancing men that have been called pansies,

this one's for you with my footwork fancy.

-OK, flexible.

-Come on.

Closely followed by Cocktail Rev Kev and the wobbly gent Abi Tache.

Alongside them, it's the legend himself, Dad Dancemaster Stephen.

In some people's eyes I might seem old,

but I want the prize and I'm going for gold. Giddy up.

He can do no wrong.

Contestants ready! Chanis ready!

I think Revolutionary Chanis maybe have applied for the wrong show.

Next is Swing Thing Rob and Firestarter Karen.

Don't let her near matches.

There's Jet Tractor Tristan.

I'm a bit of a cattle charmer, so, now, let's chase the farmer.

It's clever cos it rhymes.

Then it's Street Wise Kerry and Le Patrick Line.

They say you are what you eat. But I don't remember eating a legend.

OK, Tough Kitty Katy, talking tough there.

And finally Gibberish Jon.

-Warm-up's over...

-I'm sorry, Jon, time's up.

And so, the Ski Lift begins to spin.

And the legs begin to get lifted.

There's Abi.

And there's Stephen. Love that guy.

Jon's just showing off, there.

The blizzard is getting worse.

Ooh! Le Patrick Line's in a bit of trouble.

Ooh, again, ooh! And now he's down.

The scary Ski Pole just flicked him into the water like a human twig.

Brutal.

Not here to play. Here to win.

So, I'm a bit sad.

So Patrick's the first one to get sad, but who'll be sad next?

Well, there's Chanis.

And Kerry, ooh, takes a hit but recovers well.

Now, remember, just five places up for grabs

and there are still eleven Ski Lifters hanging.

Oooh! Katy took a massive knock, there.

But the tough kitty is hanging on. Still only one down.

There's Kerry, in a bit of trouble.

Oh, Kerry's down.

Just clipped by the Ski Pole.

Street Wise Kerry wasn't street enough for the Ski Lift.

As soon as I got hit, I just thought, that's the end of me.

Back to the action, now.

Katy, flying through the air, again.

Has barely spent any time on her podium.

Jon and Rev Kev making it look easy.

Katy on her podium for once.

Ooh, hang on. Somebody went there.

Oh, Chanis has gone.

Chanis successfully dodged the Ski Pole but couldn't hold on.

Nine competitors left hanging.

I feel defeated, really.

I'm disappointed in myself cos I lost my grip.

Things are getting tense now.

Those Ski Poles are getting higher and higher. Tristan, safely over.

Nice shorts, Stephen.

Oh, Look at that! Katy, off again.

There's Swing Thing Rob and Tappy Toes Tom,

the dancers making it look easy.

Abi takes a knock again. Oh, and again.

Oh, no! No! Nooo! Not Dad Dancemaster Steve!

Oh, that fall could have set Dad dancing back years.

I hope my kids will be proud of their embarrassing dancing dad

and that I've done all right by them.

It's just not the same now. But the show must go on, I suppose.

That's how it is with art.

Oh, well, back to the action and it's all gone a bit crazy.

Who's that somersaulting?

Katy was knocked again and this time she's off.

To be honest, it's a wonder she hung on as long as she did.

I spent more time in the air than on the platform.

I think my feet saw the platform, probably, about three times.

Just seven Ski Lifters left.

The next two to fall will miss out by the narrowest of margins.

And who's that?

Not Record Breaking Tom, surely?

Today's fastest Qualifier and only Ball-crosser is out.

I don't think I've let myself down this much before in my entire life.

Just cos I wanted it that much.

It was so important to me, getting through.

And cos I havne't done it, it's really bad.

Oh, man, he's even got me welling up. Stop it.

This is really getting very serious.

One more.

The next faller is out.

Tristan, safely over.

And what's Kev doing?

Oh, no, he's out!

He just, sort of, stood there and took it.

It was all a matter of luck, I think. You couldn't really judge anything

and give yourself full control of what you were doing.

Whatever it's about, it's about not standing rooted to your podium.

For sure. That didn't work.

So, now, the final five competitors have been decided.

It's Karen, Abi, Tristan, Jon and Rob.

Oh, well, it was Swing Thing Rob.

Rob has swung out.

Couldn't keep his head. Somebody'll find it for him.

Four still hanging and, oh, that bar is high now.

Oh, just clinging on.

And Abi Tache is down.

Safely through to the next round, but unsafely dumped in the water.

Who will be last man hanging now?

No prize for that title, just immense pride.

Gibberish Jon's still showing off.

And there goes Jet Tractor Tristan.

Ski Pole to the upper back, he didn't see that coming.

-Jon and Karen.

-Two are still up there.

But the game only ends when there's one, single, last man hanging.

Firestarter Karen, up, over and then clipped and then whacked.

And, oh, can't hold on.

That is one huge swing right there.

Firestarter Karen finishes in second.

Which means Gibberish Jon is today's Last Man Hanging.

And for that he wins a great big bag of pride.

This show really is chock-full of exciting stuff.

But let me just say, if you thought Ski Lift was exciting,

wait till you see this.

Oh, yeah.

And if you thought that was exciting, wait till you see this.

And if you thought was exciting, just wait till you see this.

It's Winter Blunderland.

Five contestants are spun a lot in the Winter Whizzy.

Feeling a little queasy,

they set off on their quest for the finish line.

They must negotiate spinny obstacles and if they fall off,

it's a swim and a climb.

The last one over is eliminated

and the other lucky four get to do it all again.

The first three to cross this time

become today's Wipeout Zone finalists.

The loser doesn't.

To make things a little more interesting,

Eduardo and Eduardo from the local ice hockey team,

nice chaps the pair of them, chuck in a few giant hockey pucks.

So, let's get Blundering.

It's Winter Blunderland.

Are you all ready?

Yeah!

Three, two, one.

I think we should remind ourselves

who the Blundering contestants are this week.

Dial 999, it's the hooligan who likes to set things alight.

It's Firestarter Karen.

He's like Usain Bolt in wellies.

Ooh-ah, ooh-ah, ooh-ah.

It's Jet Tractor Tristan.

His hips don't lie and neither does his face.

It's Swing Thing Rob.

Tache today, gone tomorrow,

It's Abi Tache.

And finally, Gibberish Jon.

Sorry, Jon, all out of time.

HORN SOUNDS

That alpine horn signals the starts of Heat One.

Remember, last one across the Ice Hockey Rink will go in the Sin Bin.

For good.

Karen and Rob, waiting for... What are they waiting for?

Pucks are flying already.

Abi and Jon, now.

Abi steaming ahead.

Onto the Crank Shaft now.

Really onto the Crank Shaft. That is unorthodox.

Can she recover it?

Yes, amazing and she's, oh, oh, ooh.

She's across.

I've never seen that before. Rob picking up the pace.

Karen not. Oh.

That was never going to work, was it?

Abi is coming on.

Hurdling the sticky-out bits on the Ro-terror-tator with ease.

This is a determined performance. Onto the Iceberg.

One more jump and she's through to the second heat.

Jon, close behind.

No, he isn't.

But, wow! Abi Tache, safely through to the next heat.

After a superb run.

Jon took a tumble into the manky water.

But Abi just nailed that final jump.

Then Tristan followed suit. Jon's suit.

It's a swim back to the start of the Ro-terror-tator

for Jon and Tristan.

Meanwhile, Rob about to tackle the first obstacle, again.

Oh, better.

Better, ah, worse.

More puckery.

Come on, guys.

Jon.

Oh, no.

Magnificent jump. Terrible landing.

And that leaves the path clear for Tristan, now.

So, here we go and he's, oh, he's in too, again.

Swim buddies. It's deja vu.

Karen finally begins her assault.

And she's straight over the Frosty Flipper.

Jon out in front again.

Is it third time lucky for the motormouth?

Yes! Ooh, no!

He's certainly trying...to do something.

I don't know what, but something.

Jet Tractor Tristan's turn. He's looking steadier.

And, yes, Tristan is through. He will join Abi in the next heat.

Ooh, pucked.

-Hell, yeah.

-Hell, yeah, Rob.

Only the rest of the course to go.

But Firestarter Karen's steaming ahead now.

Remember, just two places left in the next heat.

No, no, no.

Ooh, she's on the Iceberg.

This is looking promising. Focus, Karen.

And, here we go.

She's through! So, now, just one place left.

A little present from the Eduardo twins to Jon.

So, that's it. Either Rob or Jon is about to be eliminated.

Jon's got the lead. Iceberg now.

But Swing Thing Rob is catching up.

And he's done it!

Gibberish Jon is through to Heat Two.

Poor Rob, his swinging hips couldn't keep him in the competition.

Rob! Oh, my darling, those swivelling hips

just weren't swivelly enough.

They weren't swivelling with the rotating other bits and pieces.

-Hard luck. We'll see you later on.

-OK. Thanks a lot.

-Bye.

So, Heat Two, the decider.

Four competitors start, only three can go through to the Wipeout Zone.

HORN SOUNDS

And they are off.

Yeah, off their food I should imagine after all that spinning.

Jon's out in front, though.

Unsteady, it must be said.

Nevertheless, he's on to the Flipper.

And, oh, no! Hold on, Jon.

Here comes Abi.

It is just raining pucks out there.

And now, Tristan across as well, it's getting crowded.

Abi, out in front.

Karen letting the other three scrap it out. Is that clever or foolish?

Abi, cranking up the pressure, now.

And she's across. She is determined.

So is Karen. The race is on.

Making good progress round the Ro-terror-tator

but Jon catching up.

Oh. Oh. It's so close.

So close. She's onto the Iceberg.

Land this next jump and she's into the Wipeout Zone.

She is, she's through.

And so's Jon.

And so's Tristan. And game over. Wow. That was quick.

Which means Karen is out, with a flourish.

These three were neck and neck. And neck. From the start.

And not a fall between them. Superb work.

Karen, that is closest I have ever seen on Winter Blunderland.

-Oh, what happened?

-I just, I was chasing after them.

I was in the hope that someone might fall in.

But, they were all too good.

Still sizzling hot to us. See you later, my darling.

-Thank you very much.

-Bye.

-It's been awesome.

So, sadly, for Swing Thing Rob and Firestarter Karen,

their Winter Wipeout adventure is over.

The only thing stopping them heading home right now

are the strong bonds of friendship

they've formed with their fellow competitors.

That and the 13-foot-high electric fence

that encircles the Winter Wipeout course.

And then, it's, like, a 15-mile hike across a frozen lake

in subzero temperatures to the nearest phone.

And, even then, the old man who owns it doesn't really like foreigners.

No, the losers are probably safest staying put and cheering on

today's three finalists.

Doing Winter Wipeout has definitely been the best thing ever

in my whole, entire life.

One of the best experiences I've ever done.

And probably ever will do.

It's really important in life to talk as much as you listen.

Talk as much as you listen.

I would not ever be caught wearing a tutu.

And certainly not with his hair.

Confidence isn't about arrogance, it's, like, a momentum thing.

It's like, if you get confidence on your side, it breeds confidence.

And I try to, I don't think I'm the most confident person,

but I think I see confidence in the right way.

I see it as like a fuel.

As much as this was about fitness, it's about fortune.

And they've actually threatened to send me

on a professionalism course about having to cut down my reports

and cut down my wording because people have fallen asleep.

Abi, mad as anything.

I'm quite looking forward to it.

Wearing a wet suit, as well, yeah, that'll be quite nice.

She's determined. She's only a meek and mild little creature

but so's Paula Radcliffe and look what she's achieved.

I am gangly and quite bizarre.

But I think that once I put my mind to something, I really go for it.

Tristan, dark horse. Or should I say dark cow? Cos he's a farmer.

-He's done it unexpectedly.

-I proved them all wrong.

I think he could go all the way.

That £10,000 is going towards getting my very own tractor.

I am here to win it. That is the goal.

My objective has been to win.

You've got to give it beans now

cos you're never going to get the chance again.

Lost for words and that's a bizarre thing for me to ever say.

I've never been lost for words, really.

When the going gets tough, the tough get...covered in snow.

But they've still got to be tough enough

to beat the Winter Wipeout Zone and the first to go is Tristan.

I'm still a bit dizzy, so, let's get busy. This farmer's going for gold.

Jet Tractor Tristan gets jet propelled.

Head first. Arms crossed. No hands. It's just... Wow!

That's brave.

Argh!

And Tristan swims his way over to the North Pole.

That's the most amazing dive I've ever seen.

Come on, Tristan.

The North Pole is very slippery but Tristan, making light work of it.

Now, the Icy Stairs. Leaps to the first set and the second.

They're already bucking. Look at him go.

Nearly at the summit.

And there he is.

Getting bumped around a lot. This is where it gets really tricky.

Down one set. Jolted!

Oh, and he's off!

Oh, Tristan in the water. The Stairs went from underneath him.

And he got a battering on his way down too.

He's past the middle. It's a swim and a climb to the Ice Picks now.

Attaboy. Look at him go.

Tristan! Tristan!

Tristan composes himself and tries to set off the Picks

but they're not biting.

Oh, he's off. The last one got him.

So close.

So nearly there.

Which means a second swim for Tristan.

And a second ladder climb.

Looking absolutely shattered, now.

Come on, Tristan, you can still set a fast time.

Waits for the Gangway to come round

and then dashes to the centre.

Oh, no! He's down a third time!

Unlucky. This is disastrous for Tristan.

Three errors so far, he's still got one obstacle to go.

This is such a gutsy display from Tristan.

Come on, Tristan.

I don't know where he's finding this energy. How can he keep going?

To the first Snowflake, now.

Must be exhausted and hurting. That's a good landing.

Now he's got to manoeuvre his way into a better position

to make it onto the second Snowflake.

-No.

-Ah!

Tristan's done it again.

Despite this error, the farmer still makes another quick recovery.

He is still in with a chance of getting himself that new tractor.

One last burst of energy.

Come on, Tristan.

As he finishes in three minutes ten seconds.

And looks completely done in.

Tristan! Come on out, my darling.

Look at you, you're smiling to the very end.

That was great.

Well, listen, you've just done that in a very speedy time

of three minutes and ten seconds.

-Ah, that's great.

-It means that yours is the time to beat.

And Jonathan's up next, so let's watch.

Time for some more JP action.

So now, Gibberish Jon has three minutes ten to beat.

He might want to keep his mouth shut for this next bit.

-Splash down.

-Waheeey.

Nope, still can't keep his mouth shut.

I think I saw his tutu.

Jon doesn't know how Tristan got on

but if he can make fewer errors, he is in with a real chance, here.

Jon the Ice Sculptor from Harrogate hesitates at the Icy Stairs.

He's on. Ooh, but only just.

Up and going for the second set. Nice.

Now, the third. They're tricky these Stairs.

Oh, no, they bumped him off.

Ah, I don't believe it.

He just couldn't hold on.

Annoyingly, for Jon, he must now attempt the Stairs all over again,

from the start.

Cat-like onto the first flight.

And another feline leap onto the second set.

Come on, Jon.

Clambers onto the third. Those Stairs back to their old tricks.

But Jon's made the summit. It is all downhill from here.

That shaking doesn't make for an easy landing.

Jon, getting a proper buffeting.

Can he hold on? Yes, yes, he can.

I think. No, he can't. Yes. Yes, he can.

He can! He can't, he can't. Oh!

After all that effort.

Jon beat the Stairs and then landed in the icy waters below.

A second error. This is going to be close, now.

And a surprisingly spritely Jon still clambers up.

Come on, Jon.

Skips past the first two, the third one obstructing him.

Cheeky Pick.

Jon throws a dummy and he's past.

The Frightcicles. Tristan fell here but Jon hasn't.

With coolness.

Waiting for the Gangway to swing round and arrive,

just biding his time.

Well done, Jon.

Here he goes. Big leap and he's across.

Really picking up the pace now.

Just the Impossible Snowflakes to go for Gibberish Jon.

Onto the first.

This is really tight. Here we go.

Oh, no!

That's a third big error for Jon

and that has probably cost him his shot at the title.

The crowd urging Jon to find the strength to climb that ladder

to the finish podium, nearly there.

And he hits the button. And again! Three minutes 21 seconds. So close.

But you don't get a trophy for so close.

Jon, my dear.

You've been a pretty cool customer all day, haven't you?

I've enjoyed every minute of it.

I was saying, amazing contestants in the final.

-Absolutely amazing.

-Hear, hear. But, you know, you were as cool as ice,

carving your way through the Winter Wipeout Zone.

But Tristan ploughed faster. I'm sorry, my man.

You're going to have to go join the others.

Tristan, you know what this means!

Number two, baby, yeah.

Number two, potentially number one. Abi's up next.

-Bring it on.

-All right, let's watch.

Num, num, num, num, num, I'm hungry for victory.

But you're guaranteed to get a gob-full of water any second now.

Abi Tache is now the only person between Tristan and victory.

Oh, my God.

Ha-ha. She looked surprised by that. Somebody should have warned her.

She doesn't know how Tristan did, remember,

so Abi will just be going as flat-out fast as she can.

Balancing, carefully up the North Pole.

Go on, my little chicken.

And now the Icy Stairs.

These bumpy steps have, so far, claimed both Tristan and Jon.

Can Abi get across in one go?

Solid start, so far.

And the second set.

Trying to make the move onto the third.

She's onto the third.

But now those Stairs are beginning to do some serious jolting.

Abi's at the top.

The Stairs are relentless.

She can't stay on there, surely?

Hold on!

Ah, oh, no!

Oh!

Like Jon and Tristan before her, Abi is a victim of the Icy Stairs.

She's past halfway, though,

so it's a climb straight up to the Ice Picks.

Remember, Tristan's time was three minutes ten,

Abi's on to beat that, here.

Tries to trigger the Picks. Second one swings up.

Oh, no! Another fall for Abi.

A full-on Pick to the torso.

That's a setback and, I suspect, hurt.

Abi looking very tired now. Next, it's the Frightcicles.

The Gangway comes round.

Oh, no.

Come on, Abi. Come on.

But still she waits.

-She has to go now. This time.

-Go now!

No, she waits some more.

This caution is not helping Abi's time. Come on Abi.

Come on!

Now, she goes. She makes it to the middle. That's more like it.

Now, she's waiting to get off again. Yes!

Oh, This is so close. Impossible Snowflakes to go.

Abi leaps for the first.

-But, oh, she's down. Straight off.

-She's in, she's in the water.

Never really got onto that Snowflake to start with.

So, one final swim and climb, now.

But it's too late.

You can see the determination in her face.

Truly a steely finish, but at three minutes and 17,

it is game over Abi.

Time for Amanda to announce tonight's winner.

Abi, my darling, how you doing? Look at that face of yours.

-That was awful. That was so scary.

-Are you all right, my darling?

I wasn't expecting that.

That is really high, compared to what you think it is.

-That's terrible.

-Listen, you were fantastic.

-Thank you.

As you both know, there can only be one Winter Wipeout champion.

I'll put you out of your misery.

The champion is...

Tristan!

Well done, my darling.

So, Jet Tractor Tristan has won himself

£10,000 worth of new tractor. Well done Tristan!

He'll be returning along with Abi and Jon

in just a few weeks' time for the series final.

Now, I don't know for sure what'll be in next week's show

but I really hope there's going to be a bit of this...

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Some of this...

And even more of this...

So, from Amanda and me and from dads everywhere,

it's goodbye.

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