Hannah and Andy Don't Tell the Bride

Hold on to your hats. Don't Tell The Bride is back.

-LAUGHTER What do you think?

-You look really nice.

-Do I?!

-Only the bravest of brides...

-I'm really scared!

..would let their groom organise the biggest day of their life...

EVIL LAUGH

-..alone.

-She's going to love it. I know she is. But she'll probably kill me.

The grooms get £12,000...

No strippers!

..and the brides get no say in how it's spent.

With a million ways to splash the cash...

I got married on a battleship!

Black to Vegas, baby.

-..and a million things to organise.

-I don't know what she wants.

He's well stressing me out.

-Can the guys pull it off in just three weeks?

-I can't do it.

And will it be for better... or for worse?

After 10 minutes, I'll want to get it off.

-You've ripped the whole family apart.

-SHE SOBS

Urgh!

This is hell on earth.

Tonight, confident Andy goes all out to put on a fairy-tale wedding

for his teenage bride, Hannah.

And then I can gloat for probably the rest of my life!

-But can he ever please this princess?

-I want it!

-I'm not a fricking magician!

-Hello? It's MY wedding! Don't you think I've enough stress at the moment?

Will his Polish stag do be the ruin of him?

If you tie me up, and there's any women around,

she won't accept that as an excuse.

Prostitutes, hookers, strippers, lap dancers. No, no, no!

And how many pairs of shoes will it take to get his bride up the aisle?

-How dare you put shoes that ugly in front of my face?

-Shoes!

Always about the bloody shoes!

Can this man...

give this woman

the wedding of her dreams?

I'm not wearing these shoes.

Today, 18-year-old Hannah is moving out of the flat in Colwyn Bay

that she shares with 28-year-old Andy, who's in telesales.

Everyone thinks I'm insane,

but hopefully he'll prove himself to me.

But will he prove himself?

The couple fell in love when Hannah started work at a local bar.

I was bar manager and Hannah was a waitress, so I used to boss her around a little bit.

He was, yeah... Well, I say he was my boss.

So I thought, "Want a way to get privileges? Go out with the boss!"

And that was on a Monday, and by the Friday, you had moved in.

Despite the ten-year age gap, there's no mistaking who rules the roost in this relationship.

Going this way!

Yeah, what Hannah wants, nine times out of ten, Hannah gets.

As the baby of her family, it's what Hannah's always been used to.

I'm the youngest, and I'm spoilt, and I'm just a princess.

I like to be treated like a princess. SHE LAUGHS

Andy's prepared to dig deep to keep his princess happy.

What normally happens is Hannah gets what she wants and I make do, whether it's not going to football

this week because it costs 3.50 plus the fuel, but that 3.50 is a chicken sandwich meal for Hannah.

Those are the sort of compromises that I have to make to keep her sweet, but she's worth it.

But sometimes it seems like nothing is good enough for Hannah

as Andy found out when he spent £1,500

on a diamond engagement ring.

I had to beg my mum and dad for money.

I got it custom made so it was unique, not one off the shelf,

-and it still wasn't right. So...

-SHE LAUGHS

-..what do you do?

-It's not hideous. It's just...

-You call a spade a spade.

-..not what I imagined my ring would be like.

She comes across quite often as a bitch, you know.

She will be the first to admit it, that sometimes she is very,

very stroppy if she doesn't get her own way, she will kick up a fuss.

It takes a confident man to keep Hannah happy. Luckily, Andy isn't short on self-esteem.

He's unbelievably cocky, but when it comes down to it, I would

put money on something going wrong, just because he leaves everything to the last minute all the time.

He literally will just stand there and spin on the spot thinking,

"What have I got to do, what have I got to do?"

And he's not exactly known for his eye for detail.

As long as you get married, as long as everyone gets drunk

and as long as everyone gets food, that's pretty much it, isn't it?

Let's hope he's right, because he's got a lot to lose.

His balls are on the line. If he messes up, he knows that

there will be consequences of his actions.

It's time for the couple to say goodbye.

-Go, go.

-See each other in three weeks.

The next time they see each other will be at the altar.

I dunno, it just all seems very, very real, and I've got three weeks, I'm not going to see her.

And I'm actually quite scared.

Hannah's moving back in with her mum, who happens to live

just around the corner.

Her parents split up when she was 13.

She thinks she's a princess, doesn't she?

Since she was little, cos being the youngest she's been a bit spoiled.

Pink lace and frills, that's her. That's what she's like.

So what's going to happen now with this wedding?

I don't know. It's in his hands.

-SHE LAUGHS

-I hope he'll be able to do it.

You're worrying me a bit.

With just three weeks to arrange a fairy-tale wedding fit for his princess, Andy heads to a local bar.

Speakers is run by his best man Jason, but there's no sign of the boss.

-Jason's not here, is he?

-No.

I'm going to kill him. First day.

First day, and he's not even out of bed.

I'll kill him. Absolutely kill him.

You're alive. He's alive! I thought you'd been arrested or something.

What are you doing to me? It's my first day!

Jason and Andy have been best mates since they were 12 years old.

-I'm good to go.

-OK.

Since Andy's parents moved to France eight years ago, Jason's been like family to Andy.

But he wouldn't be Hannah's first choice for best man.

He likes to see me get stressed,

and the only way to get to me is to make Andy misbehave.

The thing I'm worried about is them getting pissed every night, partying till God knows

what time and being hungover all day. I think they'll be up to mischief.

-Finally ready to start.

-Where do you start?

Right, I've just started, weddings, North Wales.

Are you sure it's a good idea for us to plan this?

-It's a bit late now, mate.

-Yeah, I suppose it is.

But it's never too early to start planning the stag do.

What's my stag do budget? I need a stag do budget.

-I need two.

-15.

-What? I need two.

1,500, not a penny more.

-I need two.

-No, 1,500, not a penny more.

That's 1,500 quid gone, and Jason knows how to spend it.

It's going to be a good few nights, the stag do. We're looking at at least four days.

When it comes to the stag, Hannah has already laid down the law.

No stripper, no lap dancers or...

..any girl pumping and grinding on him and I won't be happy.

I've got to take him to a strip club or get him a stripper, because it's got to be like that.

I want to wind Hannah up as much as possible.

Wedding venue, Wales.

It needs to be...big.

It does need to be sensible.

Not necessarily.

I've got...big expectations for my wedding -

big dress, and a horse and carriage,

a really nice, classy fairy-tale wedding with all the trimmings.

-Bouncy castle.

-Bouncy castle?

-Pissed-up people, bouncy castle. Put it down.

-Magician. Yeah.

-It's not a kids' party, mate.

Jason. They do medieval banquets!

Honestly, they do medieval banquets.

I could come in as Robin Hood. She could be my Maid Marion!

The boys head off to their first potential venue with its medieval banqueting hall.

OK, I'm liking this.

Ruthin castle dates back to the 12th century and boasts a dungeon and whipping pit.

This is the medieval banqueting hall.

Wow, it is medieval.

The way it is set up today

is the way it would be set up for a medieval banquet.

Yeah. Myself and Hannah would be the baron and baroness.

She's a princess, Andy, not a baroness.

My worst theme would be a medieval theme.

Knowing him, he will think, "We'll do a theme and

the medieval princess theme," but the medieval princess costumes are AWFUL.

I suppose you've got to think now about what Hannah wants,

-haven't you? You have got to think...

-Allegedly.

-THEY LAUGH

I've got to think what I can and can't get away with it.

Are you looking to surprise her?

I'm looking for nice surprises on the day, and to wind her up all the way up until that point.

-OK.

-Hannah might be expecting some jokes from prankster Andy,

but a medieval theme would cost him his crown jewels.

Although she's only 18, Hannah has known

where she wants to get married since she was a little girl.

She's taking chief bridesmaid Sarah to see her dream church, St Margaret's.

-Look at them. Draglins!

-Draglins?

I was going to say goblins, and then dragons at the same time.

-There they are, though, look. They're scary.

-It is a really pretty church, isn't it?

Yeah. It is very nice.

The only thing it hasn't got on it though, you know when some churches

have them windows, they've all got pictures of people on there,

you know, from like the Bible? This church hasn't got that, though.

-I like them windows.

-Yeah, it's just such a pretty church.

And it reminds me of a Disney princess castle, somewhere a Disney princess would live.

But I'm not holy, I just like it because it's pretty.

Duh-duh d-duh, duh-duh d-duh...

I think this is romantic.

A registry office isn't romantic at all, is it? This is nice.

How is the venue not a big deal to anybody?

When you see people getting married in a registry office, I think, "Eugh.

"How common!"

I think it should be a church like this, and then off to a big, fancy Manor House or something.

But he would have chosen anything. I could be getting married

on a bloody dinghy in the middle of the sea or something.

# I am sailing, I am sailing... #

Well, what I'm thinking, take her on a boat, and she'll hate it.

She will hate it. She hates salt water.

Andy is contemplating a venue on the other side of the estuary.

-His plan is to put the wind up Hannah, by sending her there by boat.

-She might kill you, though.

It will make her upset, and then she'll be relieved.

You sure you want to make her upset?

Not upset in a bad way. She'll be panicking, she'll be stressed, and she should trust me.

She should trust me!

Friday 21st...not going to do it.

Luckily for Hannah, Andy's plan is scuppered by the tides.

That would have been hilarious, watching her going berserk.

It's back to the drawing board for the pranksters.

But Hannah has always known exactly where she wants her reception to be held.

A big country house, isn't it?

It's down the road from the church, so I can get in my horse and carriage.

And travel up here?

Thank you for being here today.

Nice gardens, aren't they?

Yeah, and there's peacocks running about somewhere.

-Lovely.

-Rich people have peacocks.

It's nice. I like it.

-Hopefully he'll think of somewhere like this, because...

-It's just common sense, isn't it?

-Yes.

-But he hasn't got buckets of that either, has he?

FLAPPING BIRDS, THEY SCREAM Oh, my God!

Oh my God! Too scary here.

-There's bloody birds everywhere.

-I think he'll get you somewhere nice.

I think he'll get something nice, but it's whether it's... Like hotels are nice, aren't they?

-Yes, they are nice.

-But I wouldn't want my wedding in a hotel.

Even if it's a nice, posh hotel, I don't care.

Next venue on the boys' list, a posh hotel.

OK, this has potential.

At last, Andy is thinking sensibly.

If you want the civil ceremony, this is the room that I would suggest.

The bride could either enter from the run down there, or from just here.

Then you have Crabwall as your backdrop, which is spectacular.

-Every girl's fairy-tale castle, perfect for the wedding.

-Yeah.

Those are the magic words.

Fairy-tale and Castle. But can he afford it?

With over a 10th of the budget set aside for his stag do, Andy knows he'll need to make some savings.

-If you can give me an indication of what your budget is...

-What are we talking?

-Two and a half?

-That's what we are hoping to do, about £2,500.

OK. I think I actually can help you, but it's slightly lower than it normally would be.

-A good day.

-A very good day, as it turns out.

That's the venue and catering in the bag for just £2,500.

-That's really cheap.

-That's ridiculously cheap.

That should give him a bit of extra cash to splash on the rest of the wedding.

Yes, you can have your £2,000 for the stag, as a gimmick.

Or he could just blow some more on the stag.

You have to remember that, if any of it involves any women at all,

one, I'm not overly keen, you know what I mean?

But, if you tie me up and there's any women around, she won't accept that as an excuse.

Being tied up will not wash.

Right now, Hannah is more concerned about what she's going to be wearing on her wedding day.

That's a nice dress.

-No, I don't like it.

-Oh.

Do you want big earrings, or just little earrings?

I don't know. If he doesn't get me any jewellery, am I allowed to go out and buy myself some jewellery?

No - he doesn't want you to wear it.

If he doesn't want you to wear it, you can't wear it.

-But maybe he's just forgotten about jewellery.

-Tough. You're not allowed to wear any.

He might not be thinking about you and your dress.

He might be thinking of himself, what can he wear?

-He might even turn up in a suit with a Manchester United T-shirt on...

-Don't!

-DON'T!

-..instead of a shirt and tie!

-Shush! No, he wouldn't.

-He might have a Man United theme going on.

He might! You know, instead of flowers everywhere,

he'll have footballs everywhere, Man United footballs everywhere.

-Football flag, or something, on the back. Man United!

-SHE LAUGHS

Scary now.

He might, though, that's what he might be thinking.

That's what she hates, that she's got no control over anything.

She's just got to go with whatever he wants to do, really.

Of course, what he wants to do is keep his princess happy.

After his disaster with Hannah's engagement ring, Andy is taking no chances with the wedding ring.

Remember, Andy, diamonds are a girl's best friend.

You have £799 for Hannah's ring, and your own ring is £629.

May I ask what sort of design the engagement ring is?

-She doesn't like her engagement ring.

-She doesn't like it?

-No. She's slightly fussy.

-That's OK, we don't mind fussy.

That means perfect styling.

-You haven't met Hannah!

-No, you haven't met my princess.

-THEY LAUGH

-Do you think Andy will miss me?

-Yeah.

Of course he will, you've been together for ages. He's going to miss you.

As soon as you got together, you were always with each other.

You've never really been apart. Have you, really?

It's true what they say. Opps...

opp... what's the word? Abs, ab...?

-Absence.

-Abs...that word,

makes the heart grow fonder. It's well true.

It's so weird. I appreciate Andy.

Well, you depend on Andy a lot don't, don't you? Because Andy does everything.

-Everything really, doesn't he?

-No, he just goes to where he can get his money.

-He does do everything, so she depends on him.

-No, I don't.

-You do.

-No, I don't.

-You do.

-No, I don't.

-You do.

No, I don't.

-She does.

-I don't.

Back at the shops, Andy has moved on to his specialist subject.

Ha-ha, this is more like it!

Basically, we were thinking of something to wear under the dress.

-We?

-OK. I've been thinking about something that she can wear under the dress.

Wrong'un, dirty boy. Dirty boy.

Hannah would kill me.

-Does it count if it's plastic?

-THEY LAUGH

-That's so wrong!

-You see, it doesn't look good like that, but...

-It's for you, isn't it?

-It is. This is my present to me.

Today, Hannah is meeting up with the other man in her life -

-her dad.

-This is the person that got me obsessed about McDonalds.

-It's his fault.

-Why is it my fault?

-Because...

-That's the only thing you'd ever eat.

I'd have to go out at 10 o'clock at night to get a McDonald's kids meal.

Nuggets. And then it changed to chicken sandwich meal,

no lettuce, extra mayo.

-And Coke to drink.

-She's my little princess, isn't she?

No matter how old she is, when she gets married and everything.

Though, when I found out she was getting married,

I cried a bit, because I'm not going to be the number one man in her life now.

But she'll always be my little baby.

Suddenly, it all makes sense.

Another day, another shopping trip. The boys are after bridesmaids'

dresses, and Andy knows there's only one colour his princess will feel pretty in - pink!

They're the wrong colour. Wrong colour, wrong colour, wrong colour.

-Maybe. Let's have a look at this.

-That's not bad.

It's the right colour, and it's in the sale. It's a no-brainer.

Basically, we're trying to sort out bridesmaids' dresses. OK?

-What, you are?

-Yes, I'm picking everything, with my best man.

Basically, if you were given that to wear, bearing in mind

that bridesmaids aren't always given the nicest of dresses, would you be happy with that?

-I wouldn't mind it - I quite like the colour of it.

-Jason, am I being hasty?

-No, buy them.

-Not worth faffing about, is it?

-No, Buy them.

Right. I think that's decision made.

-OK.

-Shall we go and sort it out, please?

At the end of the first week, Andy has

a venue, some underwear, and three bargain basement bridesmaids' dresses.

He still has everything left to do, but he's not worried.

-Shall we call it a day?

-Let's go for a pint.

-Let's go.

Hannah knows her man all too well

and is starting to stress about his progress.

I think Andy, at the moment, will be cocky as you like.

I can just see him now, being cocky about everything.

And he'll leave everything to the last minute, because he was being so cocky. And then he'll be flapping.

It's doing my head in that he's not sent invites out already.

You only need the date and the venue to do the invitation, and surely he's sorted that out already.

Invitations are the last thing on Andy's mind.

The boys are so chuffed with their first week's achievements,

that they're having a little stag do dress rehearsal.

THEY CHEER

Hold on, he's going to blow!

Next morning, and the hangover has kicked in.

Little bit rough this morning, to be honest.

You might be feeling rough now, but over at Hannah's mum's house, he has an even bigger headache brewing.

People are going mad about these bloody invitations. Where it is, when it is.

-It is well stressing me out. Why hasn't he done it?

-I don't know!

Well, will you go down Speakers' Corner and speak to him?

Ask where the bloody invitations are, and tell him I want some money.

-Money?

-Yes, I want some money to go out.

-Oh, my God.

-He'll be expecting it. He's probably just waiting for the time he gets asked for money for me.

You cheeky bitch.

Happy with all they've achieved so far, the boys are contemplating the world's longest stag do.

-Considering we're taking the middle week off...

-Yeah, we've got time to take a week off.

-How are you?

-Hi, how you doing?

-I've been brought by the bitch of the bitchest of the bitches.

-She kicking off?

She's kicking off like mad to me. She's like nearly crying.

-Why?

-You haven't done the invitations.

-We've done one week.

I've been given orders. She wants invitations.

-And she wants £50, because she's run out of money.

-She wants money?

-Yes, she wants £50 off you.

-She got paid £400.

-It's all gone.

-In a week?

-Yeah.

-So basically, she's bought a load of clothes?

-Yes. She wants £50.

-Tough shit.

-No, because we're going out tonight!

I don't give a toss. Basically, she shouldn't have spent her wages in a week.

That's ridiculous. Two weeks, I'd have probably let her off.

But a week is a piss-take.

I can't go back and tell her this, you know. She's going to go mad at me.

She's blitzed it in a week, that's not my fault.

-Right, OK. And invitations, what are you doing about them?

-Tell her to trust me.

-Trust you?

That's it, nothing else.

-And no £50?

-SHE GIGGLES

You're not going out tonight unless you're paying for it.

Excuse me, when did this get turned round for ME paying for HER? You're the one marrying her!

Yeah, and I'll pay for her for the rest of my life!

Yes, mate, you will.

-Tell her I'm pissed off.

-All right then.

Not to wind you up at all, but...

-I need a cig.

-Oh, dear.

MUSIC: "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy

Of course it's Hannah, that is just what she's like.

She doesn't think of how her actions affect me, she just piles it on and expects me to rescue her.

So, I'm doing the wedding. That's all I'm doing for her this month.

Andy may not have deep pockets, but he does have a big heart.

You've got to take the whole package. Hannah's absolutely everything else.

She's drop-dead gorgeous.

She is perfect for me, because she keeps me guessing.

She does little random things.

She throws me a little random challenges every now and again.

We just get on.

We are genuinely like soulmates.

She is a pampered princess.

I genuinely wish I was a millionaire so I could treat her the way she wants to be treated.

You know, I'd give her the world if I could.

But she has to understand that I haven't got it at the moment. I can't do it.

Let's hope Hannah understands.

Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.

-Bad news first.

-He's not giving you £50.

He says, "I can't believe she's spent £400 in a week. I'm not giving her £50."

-I asked him about the invitations, and he said just trust him.

-He can't be arsed doing it any more.

BLEEP people can't be BLEEP arsed doing ONE thing for me. He's got three weeks.

He can't do it in one week, invitations? It's hardly...

Hello, it's MY wedding. Do you not think I've got enough stress for me at the moment?

Without people moaning to me?

Fine. I'll go to his house, I'll take the PlayStation and I'll BLEEP pawn the PlayStation.

See what he does then. Will I get my £50 then?

That went well. While Sarah takes the flak, angry Andy takes a night off.

The next morning, and reality has started to creep into the boys' camp.

Apart from me and you, nobody knows anything and it's just not good enough for them.

It's Hannah that's not supposed to know, not the rest of the world.

Maybe Hannah had a point about those invitations after all.

He's in a bit of a flap, yeah.

I knew it was coming, I just wondered how many days it'd take.

I just need to have things in place.

I mean, the invites have to go out tomorrow, they need to be delivered by hand tomorrow.

I need to sort the dress tomorrow.

I've just got a ridiculous amount of stuff to do in a very, very short space of time.

It's all happening tomorrow, then.

But Andy needs to knuckle down to some serious wedding planning now.

-Hair and make-up?

-Yes, yeah. Grab somebody online.

Chester area. In fact, that's what you can do - find a hotel for her the night before.

I'll be just chuffed to get away with it, full stop.

Oh, dear, he's really bottling it.

I really have, mate. My head is up my arse.

With his new-found sense of urgency, Andy takes on one of his toughest tasks.

Do you know what I'm looking for?

I do, yeah. I know what you're looking for.

It's got to be tight all around here, tight and...

yeah, and then "PUFH!"

I don't know what the words are, but that's what I'm looking for.

Hannah and Sarah are also out dress shopping.

-Hiya, can I try some dresses on?

-What sort of dress are you looking for?

-A pale pink one. This one catches my eye.

-Oh, it's beautiful.

I want a corset, don't I? A tight corset, so I'm sexy as everything.

-Fitted at the top?

-Yeah.

-Think princess and pink, then you've got it.

-OK.

No surprises there, then.

-Do you have a particular colour in mind?

-White, yeah, definitely white.

-Whoops!

# Pink, it's my new obsession

# Pink, it's not even a question... #

You look really pretty!

It's beautiful.

It really is beautiful.

I look like a woman!

You are a woman, you'll be a bride.

-You do look absolutely gorgeous in that, Hannah. She looks gorgeous, doesn't she?

-Yes.

I can't speak.

I do feel like a princess.

Like, I don't feel like sexy, but you don't wanna feel sexy, do you?

-I feel pretty.

-Like a lady.

Yeah, pretty like a lady.

And I want Andy to cry when he sees me.

What if he actually doesn't get me anything I like?

I want it!

But you can't have it.

Meanwhile, Andy has found the dress he thinks is fit for his princess.

It is a current Justin Alexander dress and it's very, very beautiful.

That's well nice, Jase. She'd look like a goddess in it, won't she?

The perfect dress, but not the perfect price.

It's £1,035, Jase. If we can get it for £800, I'll take that.

Because of what you're doing, and I think it's very romantic, I'm prepared...

-Romantic? It's the first time anyone's called it romantic. Idiotic, chaotic...

-Or brave!

Romantic and brave, I'm prepared for you to have this one.

-Buy it.

-Yeah...

Buy it.

It's beautiful.

Enough, done, finished. Happy.

Very, very happy.

10 days in and Andy's on a roll.

He is finally getting his invitations done.

I know they're not the traditional wedding ones with the pinkness and the frilliness and all that stuff,

but they've been hassling me to do it, so I've done it as quickly as a human possibly can.

-That's it, innit?

-And it's cheap.

Yeah, and it's not 300 quid or something ridiculous, yeah.

There's one very special invitation that Jason and Hannah's dog are hand delivering.

-Hello.

-Oh, it's a puppy!

-I've brought you a present.

Oh, puppy!

Oh, my love!

Hello, baby!

What have you got me?

Just that, and that.

And I've got strict instructions to run away now, so...

-Bye!

-No strippers!

No strippers!

We'll see about that.

Aah! That's a Me To You card, it's a silver envelope.

I know.

"To my princess, I love you and we will show the world how we feel on Sunday the 23rd of May, 2010."

Are these the invitations? They better not be just a piece of card.

-That's not your invitation.

-"PS, you need to be ready with three others to leave at about 1pm on Wednesday."

-I wonder where I'm going?

-These boys know where they're going.

Andy may still have a pile of invites to send out,

but that's not going to stop him enjoying a five-day stag do.

And while they jet off in style,

the hen party have to squeeze into Jason's mate's car for their mystery tour.

-Not gonna fit in here.

-You will, put it in the middle of yous.

The boys have landed in Krakow, Poland - the destination of choice for any discerning stag do.

I'm none the wiser, I still haven't got a clue what we're doing. I'm a bit nervous.

I reckon I've got him on this one.

Andy has sent the girls to Blackpool, but apart from transport

and a hotel, he hasn't actually arranged anything for them to do.

I thought he might have planned certain activities for us, but he hasn't.

So, I'm a bit bummed about that.

The boys, meanwhile, have plenty of activities to keep them amused.

I can see guns. I can see lots of guns.

We are using today 100% real gun and 100% real killing ammunition.

If you think, "Round, target," nice.

If something else, possible big problem.

This is the reason why you must be thinking about the direction of the barrel.

Oh, my God, it's so cold!

At the Pleasure Beach, the girls are left to entertain themselves.

In Poland, Andy's adrenalin is pumping.

That is amazing. You can feel your heart going like that.

The girls are also giving it their best shot.

Oh!

-Food.

-The boys' evening entertainment begins with dinner.

But with a wind-up merchant as a best man, who knows what could be on the menu?

For some reason they won't let cameras in here. No idea why.

Might be stitching him up a bit.

In Blackpool, all thoughts have turned to the stag.

What would think if he'd gone to strip clubs, straight to strip clubs.

-I'd get a divorce within, like, a week.

-Would you?

I told him, he goes to a strip bar, we're having a divorce and that's it, end of.

-What if he thought you were joking...?

-He knows I'm not joking.

-I told him.

-I'm scared of you!

Let's hope Andy's dinner was worth it.

-It was just a nice dinner, wasn't it?

-Well, not quite.

It was a nice dinner with some topless girls, and that's the worst.

The boys move on to part two of their evening's entertainment, the party bus.

And they've found a stripper who's not at all camera shy.

# Get away from the bar

# Tell your boyfriend hold your jar and dance with me... #

Honestly, mate, you are a hero. I could not have picked a better man.

Fellas! Cheers!

To put Hannah's mind at ease,

Jason sends the girls a reassuring message.

I'm just sending Sarah little text to let her know that Andy is OK.

"Just so you know, Andy is very well and little drunk, and not in Eastern Europe in any way whatsoever."

-Where's Eastern Europe?

-"Love Jason."

-That's a bit random, isn't it?

-Where's Eastern Europe?

Like... is that Prague?

Is that Prague?

If he is in Prague, call it off, because I'm not going down the aisle if he's in Prague. I swear to God.

-I'm not even joking here.

-Why don't you want it to be in Prague?

Hookers, Rachel.

Isn't that Amsterdam?

As the party bus heads off into the Polish night, Hannah has cut short her hen do.

"We're not in Eastern Europe, ha ha, smiley face."

Shut up, Jason, I'm not stupid.

As if I'd let my boyfriend go abroad with you.

Not on this earth.

Not while I'm alive.

For a start, it's Eastern Europe. What's in Eastern Europe?

Prostitutes, hookers, strippers, lap dancers. No, no, no.

Oh, God.

Day three of the stag, and it's not a pretty sight.

It's Friday, we're going home today.

I've managed to get through the stag, I'm not...

I'm not dead, I'm not bruised or battered, either.

And I woke up in a bed

on my own.

I'm happy. I think I've got away with it.

I don't think my boys have stitched me up as bad as they could have,

so I'm very grateful. And my head's hurting and my throat hurts.

Andy's hangover is about to get a lot worse.

-Jason?

-What?

-Where's my wallet?

-I don't know.

-Alex has lost his passport.

We need to leave for the airport in two hours.

The problem is that the embassy is in Warsaw, which is three hours away.

We're basically screwed.

We need to figure out a way of getting Alex home without a passport in the next two hours.

This is the only thing I've not organised, and it's been fantastic, but I might not be able to go home.

But as Alex resigns himself to an extended stay, the god of stag dos answers their prayers.

Passport, in the steam room.

I do not need that sort of stress, I could have killed him.

All his clothes, his passport, his wallet, everything,

on the floor in the steam room like he's evaporated.

Three days down, two more to go.

Right, then. That's part one of the stag done.

-Shall we go to Cornwall?

-Let's go to Cornwall.

While Andy heads off to Cornwall, Hannah is back in Colwyn Bay.

After the disastrous hen do, she's treating herself to some pampering with bridesmaid Ciara.

That's relaxing. It's what I need after that bloody text message.

I got a text message, "Andy's OK, a little drunk and we're not in Eastern Europe whatsoever,"

-and I just went mad.

-Oh, no!

-The last two days I've been like...

-Going crazy.

-Going crazy, haven't I? I think it was just that message...

It topped it off for you.

The straw that broke the camel's back, wasn't it?

And then, like, I had a really good night's sleep last night and now it's just like, "OK, I'm all right."

The wedding might still be on after all. Phew!

It's a week before the big day, Andy's left Jason in Cornwall and has arrived home to a pile

of unsent invitations and a heap of wedding admin.

I need to get flower girl stuff, I need to get hair extensions,

I need to speak to the photographer...

Having spent five days and two grand on his stag, Andy's rethinking his priorities.

Yep, bouncy castles, magicians and all that sort of stuff -

it would have been great fun to have, it's all gone out the window, basically.

Whether it's just I'm missing her or whether

I feel bad because we spent two grand on the stag, or what, but...

I just think Jason's gone now as well, no-one can actually stop me

being soppy and doing it for her, which is what I wanna do.

# Lord, I'm doing all I can

# To be a better man. #

So while I'm out and about, anything I see that's

gonna make my princess happy, I think I might start buying it.

Not feeling in any way guilty about his stag and what he got up to on it

Andy is now on a mission to pamper his princess.

# There ain't no rest for the wicked

# Until we close our eyes for good. #

Hello, there.

If you can do me two bouquets and...

what other goodies can I get for her?

-I need some goodies to butter her up the rest of this week so she turns up.

-Oh, right, OK.

I want to send her some flowers every day for the next four days.

A single red rose

-on each day, or...?

-That would work. Yeah? That would work.

I need to get into her head so she knows that this is all about her, and I realise it's all about her.

And on the day, she's going to have a nice bouquet

in the morning, delivered probably with a McDonald's breakfast.

That's my thinking.

"Two days, two people, one life, together forever.

"I can't wait to be your husband."

Oh, bless!

He's impressed one lady, now he has to impress another three.

Andy's got the bridesmaids coming round to try on their cut-price dresses.

-Oh, they're nice!

-God, I'm good!

-I'm so excited.

-That way.

1-0 Andy, I think.

-Don't bet on it. Ay carumba!

-OK...

-My boobs are too big!

-Yeah, I think they are.

-I don't think Hannah will be very impressed if I...

-No, I don't think she would be.

But you'd probably pull.

Andy, I don't care!

# Nothing is gonna bring me down... #

With only five days till the wedding, Andy heads off to change the dress.

He's got half-an-hour before Hannah's mum comes round to pick up the remaining invitations.

But back at home, someone's been destroying his wedding plans.

Flake, in! What's this?!

We've been gone half-an-hour!

You trashed it, you little BLEEP!

I did not need that at all.

It's the whole book, it's the wedding book, all the invites, everything that was in this.

It's BLEEP everything I had.

Is Flake trying to tell him something?

Oh, my God, Flake!

Just literally tore it to pieces.

That's it, mother of the bride's coming round, house is a tip, dog's eaten everything. Nice one.

Yeah, you might look cute, mate.

You're not fooling anyone.

This is your mummy's wedding day.

It will be me that gets it in the neck if it's not right.

You have destroyed everything, Flake.

Everything.

-Hello.

-Hello, you all right?

-No, I've just had a disaster. That's my wedding book with everything in it...

-No!

Everything. I managed to salvage three that the dog didn't eat.

-Right.

-But they're not exactly in great nick and I'm very, very sorry.

That one's perfect. I'm gonna have to get some more of them run up.

I haven't even given any to any of my family.

I've just told them, "This is what you're doing, turn up."

Oh, the old "Dog ate my homework" excuse.

Hannah's mum isn't impressed.

She's now got to invite the remaining guests herself.

That's a bit off, isn't it? Because I think there's

a dozen people who I could invite, so do I just flash them an invite and pass it on to the next person?

Doesn't look very good, that, does it, really?

With four days to go, phase one of Andy's plan to keep Hannah sweet swings into action.

What the hell's that smell? I can't be doing with it.

It might take more than that to cheer Hannah up today.

He could have picked that from the garden himself. Tiny!

-You miserable...

-I am miserable today.

"My princess, four days to go." Knobhead!

That's put a smile on her face for a minute, anyway. There we are.

Of course he's missing me. I'd miss me.

"I'd miss me!"

I would miss me.

What Andy's really missing are Hannah's wedding shoes.

With only a couple of days to go, he's left this crucial purchase to the last minute.

I could buy 99 things out of 100, but shoes, she's so fussy.

When I see shoes and I think, "Oh, they're nice," she'll hate them.

So that's probably one of the reasons I left it late.

Well, I've left it to pretty much the last thing.

It's actually probably been more difficult than the dress.

Tell you what, those ones have got a bit of sparkle, they're nice

and silver, the heel's not too big, so they'd be lovely for pictures.

Those, they just look comfortable...

-And she can walk in them as well, which is nice.

-I like them.

-Yeah?

-Yes.

Andy's hedging his bets and buying two pairs.

That's probably gonna be the buy of the wedding, two pairs of shoes for Hannah, 50 quid all in.

So after the "buy of the wedding," Andy's back to his cocksure self.

I'm pretty confident I've got most of it wrapped up, you know?

She's got the flowers coming, I'm gonna ask the make-up artist people

to take her a McDonald's breakfast, you know?

Sausage and egg McMuffin with no cheese, Coke, no hash browns.

You know, all the little things that I know she likes just to make her feel comfortable and relaxed.

I want her day to be perfect.

If Hannah's disappointed with the dress or the shoes or the fact that

I've forgotten to invite certain people, yeah, I will be gutted.

I will... No, in fact, more than that,

I'll be devastated, because I have worked so hard on this, because I know it's important to her.

But I'm hoping that, at the end of the day, she will realise that the important things have been done.

The big morning...

It's the day before the wedding.

While Andy finishes off some last minute details,

Hannah is about to see her wedding dress for the very first time.

-What are you laughing at?

-Cos I don't like any that I can see.

You've not even looked at them!

-I can see I don't like any.

-My God!

Nothing catches my eye at all, like...

Words can't describe you!

-Hannah dreamed of a confection in candyfloss, but Andy wanted his princess in white.

-Oh, my God.

Oh, I love that!

-Can I open my eyes?

-Yeah!

-My God!

-Do you like it?

Very sparkly, isn't it?

The one in my head was pink, wasn't it?

I think I need to try it on first.

I'll wait here for you.

If she had to choose a dress it would be pink, definitely.

-I mean, white's traditional, isn't it?

-I don't know.

-I don't know.

-Have I got a veil or a tiara?

Not here.

But he has left you with some shoes.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, it's well pretty.

You look so pretty.

Oh, my God!

-I like it.

-Do you like it?

Yeah. Sexy!

Do you prefer that one than the pink one?

Don't know, oh!

-Not quite sure.

-Half and half.

-It's a different cut on the top, isn't it?

-It's straight.

-I wanted one...

-Like a heart one?

Yeah, so you could see a bit of boobage, but you can't on this.

-Hannah, it's nice!

-Gorgeous.

So do you like it or not?

It may not be pink, but...

-..I like it.

-Hooray!

Now it's time for Andy's buy of the wedding.

Oh, I've got two?! Wooh!

What are you laughing at?

There you are, Deirdre. Wear them.

Right, I'm not wearing them.

One pair down, one to go.

Why is he wasting money on crappy shoes?

-I don't really like these, either.

-Let's have a look.

I'm not wearing these shoes. LAUGHTER

-They're BLEEP hideous.

-I think they're nice.

-Are you lying?

-I'm not lying.

-Don't lie.

Two pairs of minging shoes, what a waste of money. Arse.

-I think these are sexy!

-They're about as sexy as...

Hannah, please try them on.

They look like, you know when your nan tries to wear heels?

LAUGHTER

-They cost £55.

-55 quid for them?! You're BLEEP joking me.

Take them bloody back. SHE GROANS

Oh, my God.

Well, now I'm in a bad mood now. I don't care about the dress, now I've got minging shoes.

-Unable to get Hannah to try the shoes on, bridesmaid Ciara puts in an emergency call to Andy.

-Hello?

Hi, Andy. It's Ciara.

How dare you put shoes that ugly in front of my face?

Hannah is really, really fuming with them shoes, Andy.

-She hates them.

-The shoes?!

-They've got a stain on.

-Yeah.

-Which ones? There's two pairs.

-Both of them.

-She said they're awful.

-Like Bridezilla, you are.

She's going mental. She loves the dress,

but as soon as those shoes came out, she was like, "I don't really care any more."

-I want new ones today.

-She said she wants new ones today.

And a tiara and a veil. Today.

Look how pretty you look and you're just...

behaving like a little spoilt brat.

Ciara, tell her to stop stressing...

Yeah?

-..to trust me...

-'Yeah?'

..and I'll sort it, all right?

'Tell her I thought them shoes were nice, but she's a princess, she'll get what she wants.'

-OK then. Bye.

-Ta-rah.

Shoes! Always about the bloody shoes.

He liked them shoes!

No, but the woman says I need shoes now to sort the dress out so I need my shoes NOW.

-He said don't worry.

-Well, ring him back and tell him, I need the shoes...NOW.

Tell him, Hannah's screaming, "I want my shoes now."

Hannah's refusing to put them shoes on so the woman...

'Tell her... Hang on a minute.'

-Tell her she's going to have three-inch heels and to stop being ridiculous.

-What's he saying, Ciara?

Put them shoes on for the height and stop being ridiculous.

No, no, no. I want my shoes now.

No, not wearing them. I can't wear the dress then.

-Unless I get shoes now.

-Well, tell her I'm not a fricking magician.

He's not a BLEEP magician, he's got to run round.

Well, what an idiot, why buy hideous shoes? 55 quid?

Tell her to stop stressing. You won't be able to see the shoes, but I'll get her a new pair.

Tell her to stop stressing and look forward to the BLEEP wedding.

All right? Tell her, I'm not impressed with this at all.

Tell her it is our wedding day tomorrow and she's flapping over a £20 pair of shoes.

He's sorting them out now. He said you just need to try on

three inches and then he's going to get you another pair of shoes.

-I'm not putting them on my feet.

-You don't have to.

Well, you have to put... If they're three inches...

I'm not putting them on my feet.

It's a pair of stupid shoes no-one's going to see under her dress.

They might just be stupid shoes to Andy, but on the eve

of their wedding, will his bride ever put herself in his?

After three weeks, the big day is finally here.

Hannah's getting ready at a hotel where Andy has left her two more pairs of shoes.

Came back and there was nice shoes in the room so...

he fixed it pretty quick.

And she's in no doubt about what she expects from the rest of the day.

It's just got to be ten out of ten.

No less will do. So he'd better cry when he sees me.

I don't think I'll cry.

I don't want to cry. I don't like crying.

-Andy's at the venue doing everything he can to make sure it's perfect for his bride.

-That looks all right.

No, it doesn't. That looks terrible.

He's sent her an army of beauticians and is even prepared to be seen in public wearing baby pink.

You look very pretty in pink, mate, I must say.

Don't even go there.

I can't believe you're getting married!

-A toast, to Hannah Brammer.

-To Hannah Brammer.

-Oh, my God.

-Rest in peace.

God rest her soul!

Despite the late invitations, guests are starting to arrive.

-Good luck, see you after, all right?

-OK.

As mum and the bridesmaids head to the venue, reality is starting to sink in for Hannah.

I'm getting nervous now. I didn't think I would. I think I'd be like, "Whatever.

"I don't care." But now I'm like,

"Aah, scared!" I'm just scared.

Her transport has arrived, but it's not the fairy-tale beginning she'd hoped for.

That's not a horse and carriage, is it? It's nice, though.

Let me look at your suit.

-Is it all right?

-Turn round. It's not tails or anything, is it?

Yeah, you've got a BLEEP hat.

Put it on, let me have a look.

-You're not wearing that, take that off.

-OK, babes.

-You can't wear that.

Remember, you're my only daughter and I love you.

-OK.

-Right, so anything you want, OK?

-OK.

-And I hope you're all right. OK?

-OK.

-Love you, babe.

-Love you, too.

# Oh, I'll be there waiting for you

# Oh, I'll be there waiting for you

# Oh, I'll be there waiting for you... #

As they near Crabwall Manor, Hannah gets her first glimpse of where she will be married.

I don't know. It looks like a hotel.

I didn't want anywhere that looked hotely. I don't like hotel-looking places.

But it does have one thing going for it.

It looks posh.

Looks like he might have spent a bit of money on it.

-Which is good.

-Ladies and gentlemen, could I ask you to stand, please, for the arrival of the bride.

# Oooh

# I knew I loved you before I met you... #

The man who would do anything for his princess is even giving her the tears she wanted.

# I knew I loved you before I met you

# I have been waiting all my... #

Stop crying! SHE LAUGHS

If you would like to say these words after me. I give you this ring...

-I give you this ring.

-..as a symbol of our marriage...

-As a symbol of our marriage.

-..and as an outward sign...

-And as an outward sign.

-..of the commitment...

-Of the commitment.

-..we are making to one another.

We are making to one another.

-I give you this ring.

-As a symbol of our marriage...

-As a symbol of our marriage.

-..and as an outward sign...

-And as an outward sign.

-..of the commitment...

-Of the commitment.

-..we are making to one another.

-We are making to one another.

Squish it on!

-I can now say you are truly husband and wife. Many congratulations.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# She can kill with a smile She can wound with her eyes

# She can ruin your faith with her casual lies... #

Get me a can of Coke!

# ..And she only reveals what she wants you to see... #

One, two three, whoo!

# ..She hides like a child But she's always a woman to me... #

McDonald's!

-You did make it pretty stressful.

-How did I make it stressful?

Well, them shoes for starters! Them shoes are awful.

Babe, listen, I did all right. Shoes, I'm no good with.

-You know that.

-But you know what I'm like with shoes myself.

-That's why I thought I'd bought two pairs to cover it.

-Two awful pairs!

# ..She's always a woman to me... #

Hands up!

CHEERING

So far, so good.

Now Andy just has to impress Hannah with the reception.

-It's pink.

-Listen, princess,

you're a pink princess. Look, this is your room.

I love these. Yeah, I love it. It's really, really nice.

And I love the balloons as well. And I like...

And I like them balloons as well. They're pretty.

-But with Hannah, there's always something.

-It's a bit hideous, babe.

-Well, I know, but...

-What kind of cake is it?

-It's sponge, of course.

-Can I eat some?

Course you can. It's your cake, you can eat what you like.

-Is that me and you?

-Yeah.

-Look at you!

I did forget something.

I forgot my speech.

But, I mean, look at my princess.

You know, have you ever seen a more beautiful girl?

CHEERING

A couple of weeks ago, we had a few drinks in the bar and between throwing up over the railings,

he was saying, "I miss my princess." That's all he said, all week.

He spent 20 minutes yesterday in the car sobbing to Michael Buble.

LAUGHTER

What can you say? I'd like to propose a toast to Andy and Hannah, the bride and groom.

Andy and Hannah.

ALL: Andy and Hannah.

I don't think she's that hard to please, she makes out

she is, but I think she's not as hard as what she makes out to be.

When it came down to it, he's pulled it out of the bag and everything's been absolutely perfect.

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Don't tell him this, but I probably couldn't have done it any better myself if I tried.

So has he made up for the stag do?

I know they went to Poland, which I'm not impressed about.

It's done, it's forgotten about.

The day has been perfect so I can forget anything else.

Fair play to the lad, he did really good.

She'll always be my princess, but she's somebody else's princess as well.

I've had Andy back for three weeks, which was lovely,

fantastic and now he's back to lost forever I think now!

Our relationship won't change. I wear the trousers.

I'll always wear the trousers. Andy needs a girl that's dominating.

Stop singing!

# We'll get lost together... #

Now, some people say she's got a bit of a mouth on her, a bit of an attitude.

She's my princess and she's perfect for me.

You know, not everyone's cup of tea. Couldn't give a toss.

Anyone tries to take her off me, there'll be trouble.

-I love you.

-I love you.

OWL HOOTS

Next time, Colin and Sally.

Hello, everybody, my name is Willy Wonka.

-What party is it you're going to?

-My wedding.

-Your wedding?

-Your wedding?

-Are you tripping? You're getting married to the girl.

-Is he taking the piss?

This is a disaster.

Oh, my gosh.

-I'm loving it, I'm loving it!

-Oh, my God.

Now, I've just somehow crossed the line.

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# I said, baby, you're not lost

# I said, baby, you're not lost

# Ooh, yeah, yeah

# I said, baby you're not lost. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]