Mitch and Laura Don't Tell the Bride

Hold onto your hats...

..this is Don't Tell The Bride.

What do you think?

-You look really nice.

-Do I?

-Only the bravest of brides...

-I'm really scared.

..would let their groom organise the biggest day of their life.

-Alone.

-She's going to love it, I know she is, but she'll probably kill me.

The grooms get £12,000...

No strippers!

..and the brides get no say in how it's spent.

With a million ways to splash the cash...

I got married on a battleship!

Vegas, baby.

..and a million things to organise...

I don't know what she wants.

He's well stressing me out.

..can the guys pull it off in just three weeks?

-I can't do it.

-And will it be for better

-or for worse?

-After ten minutes I want to get it off.

You've ripped the whole family apart!

This is hell on earth.

Tonight, surf-mad Mitch...

It's just a bit of junkie fun, you know.

..is giving landlubber Laura...

My God, this is really exciting.

..the beach-themed wedding HE'S always wanted.

Swimwear.

I'm really worried.

How will Mitch cope with a bevy of bolshie bridesmaids?

-£1?

-It was £1!

-£1?!

Will he manage to impress his future mother-in-law?

Fancy dress?

Oops!

I'm going to break his kneecaps.

And will the best swell of the summer wipe out all his good intentions?

That was sick!

Can this surf dude get away with giving this beach babe the wedding of HIS dreams?

Wash away this wedding shenanigans.

Oh, God!

Today, 31-year-old Laura is moving out of the Newquay home

she shares with 31-year-old James, known to all as Mitch.

Oh, my God, it is actually happening.

MITCH COMICALLY WEEPS

-It's not funny!

-I was weeping.

The pair got together four years ago when they bumped into each other on a night out.

-There he was...

-Never looked back.

We got together and that was it really.

-Been together ever since.

-I fancied the pants off her.

So much so that Mitch decided to propose.

I took Laura down on the beach for a little walk,

I pocketed an oyster shell with a Blu-tacked diamond ring inside it.

The Blu-tack was there for safety cos I've got a bit of a track record for losing stuff.

And I popped the question, didn't I?

-You did, very well.

-Ahh!

They might seem like the perfect couple,

but one of them has a dirty little secret.

# Dirty little secret... #

Mitch has a mistress.

There was this one time I went to a wedding with Laura

and I didn't really see the harm in slipping off.

It was only down the road.

He disappeared for about 40 minutes.

It was only a quick one, do you know what I mean?

And we didn't really speak for much of the meal.

Yes, Mitch is hopelessly in love.

With surfing.

Surfing once we're married will be his second wife, or his mistress,

because surfing is his life.

It doesn't mean he loves me any less, it is just who he is.

Mitch's passion goes back more than 20 years and has influenced every part of his life.

He didn't go to college because of the fact that he couldn't surf when he wanted to,

and it was very restrictive.

I sort of felt like I didn't have a choice,

which is the level of addiction I was at at that age.

Even his job is geared around surfing.

He's now a part-time lifeguard and part-time board fixer.

Very part-time.

If there's not swell, I'll catch up on work.

If there's good waves, I'll have a day off and surf three times.

And with Laura's budding photography business yet to take off,

the couple simply couldn't afford to get married.

-If money was no object...

-Yeah?

..I think it's got to be the platinum one with the massive stone that looks like it'll take your eye out!

But now they CAN afford it, nothing's going to stop Mitch and Laura from making it work.

Even past experience.

We have seen some bad examples of marriage. Both of our parents split.

-Watch me lick the knife.

-No!

But we have been together for four years, and I want to cement the relationship.

I plan to learn from their mistakes, which is what you should probably do with your parents

and what I expect my children to do with me.

# Do you want to go to the seaside...? #

Laura knows exactly how she wants to start her married life with Mitch.

My dream wedding would be classy, romantic, beautiful.

It has to be a sophisticated, elegant day.

And don't get it wrong.

-You only get to do this once.

-I know.

-I'll try.

My biggest fear for the wedding is that if the surf's good,

that WILL take priority over anything else.

-And obviously the bridesmaids are going to be a big problem for him.

-Laura has nine of them.

This whole bridesmaid thing is sounding a lot of hard work.

They are a challenging bunch!

So we'll see how that pans out.

I don't think he has a clue how difficult it's going to be.

The time has come for Laura to say goodbye.

Be good. Love you.

-Love you, too.

-See you soon, OK?

-Next time she sees Mitch, hopefully it won't be in the sea.

-Love you.

# No woman no cry... #

The biggest day of her life is now in this surf bum's hands.

I think he will start hopefully making up a plan.

I'm just going to head down the beach, go for a surf...

I'm trying to get my head round the fact I don't get any say at all.

Yeah.

Laura's going to be spending the next three weeks sofa-surfing with several of her bridesmaids,

starting with Jodie and Amy. They know Mitch all too well.

What's he more than likely to be doing right now?

Surfing. Of course. We all know it.

We just need to do wave dances to make sure there's no surf.

That's the thing, if the surf's amazing over the next three weeks, you're not going to get anything.

-Your biggest day of your life depends upon the surf forecasts over the next three weeks.

-Yeah, basically.

-RADIO:

-'BBC Radio Cornwall.'

'The surf forecast for today, one to four feet and clean-ish on the north coast,

'on the south coast it's nought to a foot and generally flat.'

Mitch's best dude, fellow surfer nut Joe,

is going to be staying with him to help plan Laura's dream wedding.

The pair have surfed together since they were kids.

Yeah, I'm stoked, honoured. It's good.

But what do the bridesmaids make of the best man?

Joe is very laid-back, very chilled.

Yep, they don't come any more laid-back than Joe.

MITCH LAUGHS

Joe is away with the fairies!

It's quite comfy like this, though.

He's just like planet Joe Moran.

In the old days they used to walk under the swords of the knights to get married.

You could do it with the surfboards, all the boys holding their surfboards up.

-The pair of them together is a little bit worrying.

-Yeah.

But Mitch will also have the cream of the Fistral Beach surf scene to count on.

It's not pumping, is it?

Alongside best dude Joe, he's roped in fellow Newquay locals Ollie and Sam.

Venue and dress - priorities.

-Where do you go to get a wedding dress?

-What about a dress from Primark?

-Yeah, ideal!

The stress of the dress, I think I need to do that quite fast.

So, venues.

I really want it to be around Fistral cos this is where we've all grown up, this is our stomping ground.

See if we can get what I consider to be my dream day.

I'm sure Laura will love that. Lots to do.

But first things first - venue.

Erm...

Tomorrow.

Yeah. Yeah, boys!

But when tomorrow comes, and before any wedding planning can happen,

the surf forecast throws a spanner in the works.

Looks like Thursday, we've got a big swell hitting.

So that means it's a great time for us to go on our surf stag trip.

Leaving on Thursday is going to leave us a bit tight,

but time and tide wait for no man, do they?

We've got a lot to do today, then, buddy.

Really, we need to get the venue sorted, the dress, and get the invites out.

It's Tuesday today, and we leave on Thursday.

-Go away and pick up the pieces when we come back.

-Sounds good to me.

Over on the south coast of Cornwall, close to where she grew up,

Laura's taking another of her bridesmaids, Kate, to see her ideal wedding venue.

-How gorgeous is that?

-Amazing.

Dream place.

It's really beautiful, isn't it?

Look at that view.

I know. It's just so isolated, there's nobody else around.

You just have your guests, and that is it.

-Nobody else wandering around having a nose.

-Exactly.

-It's your day.

Laura's wedding would get plenty of sticky beakers if she got married on Fistral Beach,

Cornwall's surfing Mecca.

But it's Mitch's home territory, so it's where he's starting his search.

Overlooking Mitch's regular surf spot is the bustling Fistral Blu restaurant.

Very imaginative(!)

Obviously, you know you're right onto the beach, then.

Set up a little slide here for the high tide.

Slide, we can get them down, yeah!

I would hate for a venue to be tacky.

I'd hate a pub or something like that.

Restaurants probably aren't great.

I'm going to sprinkle some sand on the floor and stuff, yeah?

There'll be some anyway, but we can get some of that.

I'd hate to get married in a room that isn't traditional enough.

-I like the boards on the wall as well.

-It's the setting for it, for sure.

It's so panoramic in that you can see the whole of Fistral,

the headlands on both sides, maybe minus the Calippo flag.

It's absolutely brilliant.

Tacky really is my main issue.

Better not mention the massive fish and chip shop downstairs then, Mitch!

The ceremony room. This is where it will all happen.

MITCH SINGS THE WEDDING MARCH TUNE

-Can you picture it?

-I really can.

But Laura is picturing something a tad more elegant.

I could see myself getting married in here, definitely.

There is a massive amount of class and sophistication to this place.

Illusions of grandeur.

I think these chairs are pretty perfect. I don't think you need covers. They're kind of like...

-The sea and the sand.

-Perfect.

If it was my decision, this would be my dream venue.

Shame it's not your decision.

Mitch is planning to hold the entire wedding on his local beach.

There's just one catch. Fistral Blu would sink the budget.

It's basically between £6,000 and £6,500 for the day, and about four grand for the evening.

Mitch's dream venue, a busy restaurant above a fish and chip shop,

would wipe out 4/5 of his budget.

And it's not exactly going to sweep his bride off her feet either.

I would love him to choose this venue.

I really would love it.

Imagine in my dress, sweeping around the corner.

Mitch may have fallen for Fistral Blu

and he might be in a massive rush,

but even he can't commit ten grand without first finding Laura a dress.

It's pumping out there today, look.

Might have to put the wedding dress shopping off for another day, Mitch.

Could be, couldn't it?

Or maybe just do it really fast!

Fast it is, then.

Laura might not be allowed to choose her own wedding dress, but she's free to dream.

My God, this is really exciting!

She's looking for her perfect dress with mum Jan and bridesmaid Amy.

-Let yourself go!

-Right.

-Go for it.

-That one.

But it doesn't take long for her co-pilots to take control.

I don't think you should have pure white, you need something toned.

-This is sticking out to me.

-It's too white.

I like it when it's blingy, but you know when they have flowers on it?

I'm with Amy, I think it's old-fashioned.

-I prefer that one.

-I prefer that one to that one. It's too bulky.

-No?

-No. I can't see you in that one.

Mum and Amy are quite opinionated.

It's vital, absolutely vital. No bride is complete without the right wedding dress.

Hopefully he'll get it right.

With just a couple of hours till the shops shut, Mitch is cutting HIS dress search fine.

-This little puppy.

-No.

No? This little puppy?

That's really nice.

-There's a lot of trail on it.

-Can you cut the tail off it?

If you wanted to, you could!

I love this one. This is gorgeous. I really like how long the back is as well, the train.

But a long train, or even tail, isn't quite what Mitch has in mind.

It's shorter, if you're looking for something a bit different from the norm.

It reminds me of an oil filter.

Might be one just to put on the potentials.

I think so - it's definitely one that the budget would like.

And then Mitch spots a potential winner.

I mean, that looks to me like the one that she would dream of.

-You've obviously got good taste.

-How much is that puppy in the window?

-Two and a half G!

-Is that what it is?

I wouldn't say it's about spending the most money, it's about getting the right dress.

Two and a half grand!

Whether that costs £500 or £5,000, it's by the by. It's about what the dress means to you.

Or what it means to Mitch.

It's a small price to pay to make sure the rest of my life goes swimmingly.

-I really like it.

-I really like it, but I just think it looks creased.

Of course, it's not just Laura Mitch has to please - it's also his future mother-in-law.

I don't like it.

-Do you not?

-I don't like it at all.

-It just doesn't do anything for me.

-It's like a tutu just to the knee.

Urgh!

-It's very Marilyn, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Have you got a fan, maybe put...?

-It is nice to see legs, though.

-It is nice, yeah.

Laura's dream dress doesn't show her legs.

It's this one. I love it.

-Look at this train.

-Mm.

It's really big! I love it.

Well, if it's big Laura's after...

It's really nice. It is really nice.

-You look lovely.

-Could you spin round, please?

I like it.

I love it. This is it. Whoo!

It's so big, though!

I said, "I think James is going to get this wrong."

I mean, he's a bloke. He's a bloke!

I don't think James has got a clue!

It's a lot of dress.

I'm not sure that that's what Laura's going to want.

Like I say, I'm not a big fan of the drag.

-I just hope that he gets her one that's just like that.

-I know. I know.

Nah.

If this one looks as nice on as it does on the hanger, then we're in trouble.

MUM: Don't know what she's going to end up with.

Probably a bright white nightie!

Don't! Ohhh!

And not just any bright white nightie,

a two and a half grand bright white nightie.

Ooh!

-Are you going to be walking up the aisle in a nightie?

-Don't!

-That is really nice, isn't it?

-It's nice.

-Now I'm really worried.

-Mm.

-OK, I'm going to take that one. Ow, ow, ow!

-Is that the most you've ever spent on a dress?

-That's the most I've ever spent, ever, on anything, ever!

-Is it?

-Ever! What have I ever spent?

-How much was your car?

A grand and a half.

Erm, how much was your trip to Hawaii all those years ago?

I'll tell you what, you're probably nearing it.

Three months in Hawaii, that's what that dress is! Oh, my God!

It's taken Mitch 90 minutes to choose a dress costing £2,500.

That means his ten-grand dream venue is no longer an option.

He's left himself just one day to book a venue and register the marriage,

or Laura won't be walking up the aisle at all.

And news of the rush is spreading.

I don't want to break this to you, Laura,

but I did hear on the Newquay grapevine that there's a swell coming in on Thursday.

That's just typical of the wedding starting, that there's going to be a swell.

They won't have done anything yet.

-Don't say that!

-I think you're underestimating him.

-Thanks, girls.

-Joking aside, he'll have everything sorted by now.

He'll be rushing to get it all done so he can go surfing for a week.

RADIO: 'The surf along the north coast, three to four feet,

'occasionally six later, generally good.'

Mitch is off on his stag do first thing tomorrow.

But for now, he's checking out the Carnmarth Hotel,

just up the road from Fistral Blu.

-This is actually available on the Sunday?

-It is, yeah.

And with best man Joe at work, support duties fall to pro surfer Ollie.

What do you reckon? It's nice here.

I think it's cool, yeah. Yeah. This is definitely an option.

OK.

Out back there's an indoor marquee, complete with DJ booth.

Oh, it's massive, isn't it? Like, what marquee have you seen this big?

-It's looking good, Oliver!

-I know. I like it.

An evening do here would cost him three grand less than at Fistral Blu.

It gives Mitch an idea.

We've looked at Fistral Blu. I was kind of thinking I could have half and half.

Mitch could split the wedding between the two venues,

holding his ceremony at Fistral Blu

and his evening reception at the Carnmarth.

Well, your decision's been made for you, then, hasn't it, really?

It's done. It's done! Let's do it!

I'm going to get in trouble!

It's not the total beach wedding he wanted, but at less than seven grand for both venues, Mitch is convinced.

He's sorted two venues and a dress in two days, which only means one thing.

I'm excited. It's holiday!

Surf's up, dudes!

# I want to go surfing... #

15 of the country's finest surfers, including European champion Ben "Skindog" Skinner,

head off on a three-day stag do in search of the best waves in Cornwall and Devon.

-How much money do you reckon you spent, Mitch?

-9,320 quid.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, but it only leaves 2,700 to get the flowers, photographer,

bridesmaids' dresses, decorations, cars, cake, invites, favours...

Yeah, that was sick! Pumping! Perfect.

Back in Newquay, Laura's heading home to find out if the rumours she's been hearing are true.

Just going to go and have a quick scout about

and find out whether or not he actually has gone away.

She's on the hunt for incriminating evidence.

My flowers are dead.

And there's no surfboards.

Oh, there is two. Bizarre.

# Wild boys will be wild

# Still acting like a child... #

What about his wet suits and stuff?

He keeps his in the van, so I probably won't know anyway.

His big bag's gone.

Exhibit A.

Onwards and upwards!

His toothbrush is gone.

Exhibit B.

-He's taken shower gel and stuff.

-What?

Wash away this wedding shenanigans.

I think he's gone away.

I do think he's gone away. So that's really good(!) He's not here.

It's just a bit of junkie fun, you know?

It confirms Laura's worst fears. Mitch has abandoned the wedding planning after just four days.

His surfing just takes over everything. And I knew it'd take over this as well.

This is when he shouldn't be letting it interfere,

but for him... It wouldn't occur to him that this is more important.

So it's frustrating.

The life we lead is a little bit of a piss-take

on everyone else's general perception of how you should lead a life!

Look at this stuff. This is a bed of champions.

Knock yourselves out, lads!

Someone else with a bit of a headache at the moment is Laura's mum.

I would have thought his priority would have been to get these invitations out.

What am I supposed to say to people who keep asking me,

"When's it going to be?", "What's the day going to be?"

And I'm like a lemon, because I don't know anything.

I could always go to a shop and get some invites,

but I'm probably going to get ragged pretty heavily if I start doing my invites on my stag trip!

Two weeks' notice is really not enough.

And the way it looks like it's going, it's going to be even less than that.

Got to let people know these things, haven't you, in some kind of advance?

A few days.

Just not quite yet.

What would James hate?

It's the last night of the stag and time for some ritual humiliation.

That's pretty good.

The boys have stitched me right up.

I'm fat Britney. On acid.

Lots of shenanigans went down last night.

CHEERING

A fair few beers.

Mitch got stitched up with a drink which was full of Tabasco and absinthe.

# ..when the sun goes down

# They say he changes when the sun goes down... #

Nudity.

CHEERING

I've seen the DIY man walking round this morning, repairing bits and bobs.

Oops.

Yeah. Get me home! I'm done.

The epic three-day stag is over, and it's back down to earth with a bang.

Despite a sore head, Mitch is feeling confident.

I feel like I got most of the major things done before I went on my stag do.

The pressure, for the second week at least,

has been lifted a little bit by things going so smoothly in the first week.

Mitch might be relaxed, but he's got less than three grand left in his pocket.

So with Ben subbing for Joe, the boys set off to find some bargain-basement solutions...

"Now £5"!

..starting with nine bridesmaids' dresses.

You look lovely as a bridesmaid.

Look at that!

Over at Mum's, Laura doesn't envy Mitch one bit when it comes to keeping all the girls happy.

The bridesmaids are going to be funny, cos there's going to be nine of them for him to find dresses for.

It's medium. What size is a medium?

-Dunno. That is quite...

-That looks like it'd fit you.

What's his fashion sense like?

It's hideous.

-99% of the time, it's very good.

-Yeah.

Tie-dye. Tie-dye's in.

But when he gets it wrong, he gets it way off.

-Swimwear. That's it, isn't it?

-It's too good.

-It's done!

It's a no-brainer!

That's nine bikini negligee combos in eight minutes.

It's a new personal best for Mitch.

I think they're not going to like it very much.

Having had no say whatsoever in what they're wearing, what will the bridesmaids make of Mitch's choice?

I like the colour. I like the colour.

-What is that?!

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God.

-That is hideous.

£1, that cost. £1!

£1. £12,000, £1.

It was £1?!

Mitchell will have done it to wind us up.

I thought we'd give them something to sweat on. Send it for a sizing, let them cluck about it for the day.

He's got to be joking. He must be joking.

He has to be joking. That's the worst bikini I've ever seen.

Yeah, sweat on.

Oh, yeah(!) Oh, yeah(!)

'Mitchell likes a good tease. That one nearly got us.'

But quite relieved we're now getting to go bridesmaid shopping.

But it's not going to be easy for him -

nine girls, nine personalities, nine different body shapes.

There might even be tears.

Unaware of the storm brewing, Laura's getting her roots done.

Mate Kim is wondering what the groom is going to look like on the day.

Do you think he's going to be suited up?

I'd like to think that on his wedding day,

he'd want to brush up nicely.

Luckily for Laura, Mitch, Joe and her little brother Daniel have every intention of looking cool.

Yeah, I like this.

Not lairy enough.

-This the sort of blue you were thinking about?

-We like the lairy, don't we, Daniel?

We like the lairy.

-Who's he got to help him do colours and things?

-Well, Joe.

-OK.

-I don't think I've given this a lot of thought, have I?

Hey, John Travolta, here we go! This is more like it!

Isn't it, Daniel?

Oh, yeah, Mitch!

-I like that.

-What? Get out of town.

You look alive.

Here we go, try the jacket on with it.

I don't think I'll be alive for long.

THEY LAUGH

He's not overly bothered by his appearance, I don't think.

Style. I like it. I like it.

I'd like to see him wearing proper shoes.

I don't want to wear flash, proper shoes.

It'd be good to get a nice, light pair of skate shoes.

Like the boot ones in all different colours.

Yeah, that's a good call.

No-go, flip-flop and trainers would be bad, cos I just think it's just so scruffy.

It looks good with your flip-flops on, cos it's a casual suit.

-Works quite well.

-See Laura being happy with that?

She's going to think it's cool.

With 500 quid laid out on the suits, it's time for the main event.

In the bridesmaids' corner, Amy, Emily, Polly and Jodie.

-In Mitch's corner...Mitch.

-BELL RINGS

The budget, girls, has been rinsed. OK?

-What's the budget?

-If you want it to cost 30 quid, I'll pay for it.

-I'm not really cheaping on anything but you, if that makes you feel any worse...

-That's so mean!

You're playing with fire there, Mitch.

It's just purple. Purple's just not summer.

-You see, more like...

-Isn't that tiny? Is that a skirt? Bloody hell. You know what I mean?

I'm going to be able to see right up to the maker's name.

The maker's name?!

What I think is hot should be what they think is hot.

What girls wear to look hot is to make boys think they're hot.

And I think I'm good at knowing what boys think are hot.

So, unless they're slipping over on their tears, then they'll just lump it, won't they?

And Mitch has spotted the hottest dress in the shop.

-That's it, there.

-You can't wear that for a bridesmaid dress!

-I wouldn't even wear that to a wedding!

-It's like a T-shirt!

-Is that short?

-This is really casual.

It's going to look like we're going raving.

There's two pregnant bridesmaids. That elastic bit will be going around their bump.

-I wouldn't say, as a bridesmaid, that I would wear it.

-But has it got to be bridesmaid-y?

It's all about Laura.

It doesn't have to be a bridesmaid's dress, but we have need to look nice.

It's all about Laura to us as well. That's why we wouldn't wear that.

-Yeah, but...

-Think about the wedding pictures with us wearing that.

I think you'd look hot in it.

You walk round now and you show me what you think in here, to give me an idea of what you're thinking.

Who's slipping on tears now, eh, Mitch?

Nothing's ever simple. I'm so far off the mark, by the sounds of it.

I'm just going to have to wait and see what they're thinking, really.

I've no idea. I'm pretty clueless on this front.

I'm glad of their help, really.

We wouldn't even buy a dress to go to a wedding from here.

Right, we're going looking somewhere else.

Outnumbered and outclassed, Mitch throws in the towel and lets the ladies take charge.

Nine women. It's hard enough to keep one happy, I've found.

-Do know what comes to mind?

-What?

Beautiful dress and Rambo.

He's not wrong.

LAUGHTER

-I was being nice!

-I've also got this one.

Oh, I really like that one.

It's 237.50.

237 quid? What's so special about it?

-Has it got real silver on the shoulders?

-It's Italian silk.

-There is no point in trying it on, cos if you love it, it won't happen.

-You tell 'em, Mitch.

# When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie... #

-It's nice and long.

-And you can get pregnant bumps underneath it.

It looks like they like the Italian silk number that costs 240 quid.

It's way too much.

Let's go and chat to the owner and see what we can do.

But at more than two grand for nine dresses, Mitch is going to need a miracle.

Because they are the end of the range, I will be honest, they have brought in a new style.

I can do them for, like, 130.

If the girls agree to help, it might just happen.

That's more than your budget, what you intended, anyway.

-It was always going to be more than my budget with the girls. Let's go halfies on it.

-Yay!

-We love it!

-It is an amazing deal.

But the designer dresses have set Mitch back nearly 600 quid.

At least it's done.

Yes! Yes!

Can I do a dance?

And with the guys and girls both kitted out...

..Mitch heads off to celebrate.

But over in St Austell, Laura's mum and stepdad Harvey aren't even sure if there's going to be a wedding.

I can't believe we still have not had these invitations through.

I have got to book the dog into the kennels, because it's summer, they're busy.

-Why don't you ring him?

-Give him a second. He's still got water in his ears.

James, it's your mother-in-law.

-Hello, mother-in-law.

-Hello, James.

-Now, when are these invites likely to arrive?

-Er, soon.

-The sooner they're out, I would appreciate it.

-Cool. Don't worry about it.

-I'm making them tonight and probably going through the night doing them.

-Lovely.

-Nice one.

-Take care.

I've got to send off these invites and fill people in on what's going on.

If he's having to make them, then he could be running very low on the budget.

-How much making is he going to do?

-I don't know.

Quite a lot, as it goes.

I like to think of myself as a perfectionist with stuff like arts and crafts kind of things, anyway.

So I'm going to make sure they look OK.

Nothing to worry about. At the end of the evening, you'll say, "James, you've done a good job."

I really, truly hope that I will.

-I do, too, because...

-Otherwise I'm going to break his kneecaps.

-Washable finger paint!

-If he lets my daughter down, God help him.

He won't. I'm sure he won't.

Fish, seashell, absolutely perfect.

Look, pirates!

HE LAUGHS

Come the next morning, the riotous clash of pirates, surfboards and lovebirds is complete.

Oh, God. HE LAUGHS

I stayed up until four in the morning finishing off.

But I think it's looking worthwhile.

Sterling effort, Mitch.

And it's given him plenty of time to think about why he's doing it.

I've known for some time that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Essentially, that's still what it is.

It's just going to be that, just trying to please each other

for the rest of our days, really.

Laura might be oblivious to Mitch's hard work, but she's sure,

whatever he is planning, it's for the right reasons.

Marriage is important to Mitch.

He was the one that instigated the marriage and he's the one that's been really keen to do it.

That is lovely for me.

Because we've both come from divorced parents, I think it's a big thing for him.

I just think that he wants to make sure that we do it properly.

And he only does it once!

I think that's normal, when you have two people that love each other as much as we do.

It's nice to be paired up and have a wingman, or a wingwoman.

With a week till the wedding, it's his wingwoman's turn to take a road trip.

Mitch has hired a minibus to whisk the girls off on a hen do adventure.

-It's terrifying.

-It's terrifying that Mitch has organised the day

-and we know nothing about it.

-Yeah, that is terrifying.

-It'll be fine.

-Oh!

-And what were the chances it wouldn't involve surfing?

-Oh, God.

I'm so scared.

I reckon the bodyboard would be all right.

# If everybody had an ocean

# Across the USA

# Then everybody'd be... #

I think he's done a really good job and I think all the girls love it.

# ..outside, USA

-# Ventura County line

-Inside, outside, USA

-# Santa Cruz and Tressels

-Inside, outside, USA... #

THEY SCREAM

Thankfully, Laura's hen is going to be more than just a dunk in the wave pool.

ALL: Cheers! THEY LAUGH

Thoughtful Mitch has also arranged a pampering session.

Couldn't be any better. This just tops it perfectly.

While Laura has her nails painted, Mitch is chewing his.

His laid-back approach to wedding planning is coming back to bite.

The budget is wearing very thin. £392 left.

I've still got to get flowers, got to get the cake, got to do the gifts.

The bill coming off the girl's hen do is a little bit more than I thought.

The drinks, that I hadn't supplied because the budget wouldn't do it, I think they've ended up having anyway.

And it's fair enough, it's the hen do, they should be drinking.

But I think I'm going to give the girls a call and see if I can wangle some money back.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hello there, Amy. How's it going?

-Thanks, Mitch!

Everyone's had a lovely time and says thank you very much.

I've been doing some sums.

-Yeah?

-And I've got a problem.

OK.

What you've just done this afternoon has actually come in more expensive than I thought, and I was hoping,

so I could buy flowers for the wedding,

that you girls might not mind sticking a tenner in the kitty each?

-£10 each?

-I wouldn't ask.

I hope that you can pass that information on, but the coffers are empty.

It's gone. Nice one, have a good rest of your day. Sorry, bye.

It's hopefully not going to break their bank, whereas it's going to make Laura's day even better.

So, I'm pretty happy.

The same can't be said for the bridesmaids.

They've already spent £65 each.

Bit tough for us bridesmaids.

We have contributed towards our dresses.

It's ruined it a bit for Laura because she's had a lovely day

and it's put a bit of a dampener on the end of the day, really.

-I'm so sorry, girls.

-We've had a brilliant time.

-I've had a lovely day.

It's only £10, it's like, nothing.

I know, but that is so annoying.

We've had such a nice day and this has just kind of killed it. But that's Mitch!

It sounds like the girls are having a great time.

They're having a whale of a time, basically. They didn't mind.

Just typical. Why not tell us at the beginning of the day,

"You'll be doing this, but you'll have to contribute towards it?"

It's just the way it's been done is a little bit awkward.

It's a small oversight.

But it begs the question - what else has Mitch forgotten for the big day?

At least the bridesmaids are taking control of the hen do. And they have an evil plan.

As soon as I was told that the bridesmaids were taking over, I was scared.

I wouldn't spend too much time on your make-up, Laura.

I knew I'd be in for a nightmare.

We might have tears in a minute...

But when she sees us, I think she'll be all right, because we look like...what word can I use?

Absolute freak.

Erm, gimps.

MUSIC: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

SCREAMING AND LAUGHTER

# Cos this is thriller

# Thriller night

# Cos no-one's going to save you from the beast about to strike

# You know it's thriller Thriller night

# You're fighting for your life inside a killer thriller... #

EVIL LAUGHTER

With the 140 quid generously donated by the bridesmaids, Laura will see flowers at the wedding.

-That's good.

-Five of those?

-Five like that, I think, yes.

Just not many of them.

Over at her dad's, Laura is thinking about her wedding photos.

Dad Chris is also a photographer and they regularly do weddings together,

so Laura knows exactly what she wants.

For me, I want all those "getting ready" shots. The hair and flowers as well.

I'm pretty sure that, if he needed me to do it, he would ask me.

It's worrying, because I would've thought he'd speak to you.

-You'll be all right, darling.

-Yes, I hope so. But look at these.

Meanwhile, invites are at last dropping on doormats.

-It's everyone's first taste of Mitch's beach theme.

-It's brilliant.

-That is definitely James, isn't it?

We've got the surfboard and obviously the beach and the sea.

I'm gobsmacked.

And Dad's got a surprise for Laura - her own special, hand-made invite.

Oh, my God.

-I don't really know what to say.

-What can I say?

There's a lot of effort gone in that.

He's put a lot of thought into that.

-Laura asked me last night, "Will I guess the colour scheme from the invitations?"

-That colour is awful.

-He's trying to wind me up!

-Good thing she doesn't know what he's planning for the evening.

Fancy dress?!

Fancy dress!

Pier party?

Stole my New Year's Eve idea. LAUGHTER

She might think it's a brilliant idea, but on the other hand,

she might be completely appalled. I don't know. I really don't know.

It's the day before the wedding.

And Laura's about to see the two-and-a-half grand designer gown

that Mitch spent just 90 minutes choosing.

Let's hope she gets her hands on it before Mum and Amy do.

Really, really nervous.

But can't wait to see it.

There was no "boof" when the dress went past.

-No, it didn't fill the bag out.

-There wasn't, no.

It's nothing like the big dress Laura fell in love with.

-Ready to see it?

-Yes.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-You all right?

-I just love it.

It's beautiful.

-I hope you do like it, because it's the most expensive dress in the shop.

-It's the most expensive dress?

-Most expensive one we've got.

-Oh, my God. Two-and-a-half thousand?

-Yes.

Are you all right? Has he done good?

He's done really good.

This is really different to the one I've been looking at, actually.

-Really?

-Yes, I thought I'd go for something more full.

-Right.

But having got here and seen it, yes, it's "me". It is more "me".

-Definitely, I love it. Not sure my mum will like it, actually.

-Really?

I don't care what she thinks!

THEY LAUGH

It's beautiful.

I'm speechless, because...

Well, it's certainly nothing like what you were trying.

I know.

It feels really luxurious.

I think now the shock of it's worn off, because it's so different, I do think it's lovely.

-Oh, it's beautiful.

-Mmm.

It's... Love it.

Mitch has absolutely nailed the dress...

but the devil is in the detail.

-Shoes.

-Well, these are lovely.

-How much are these?

-No idea. A lot, I would imagine.

Laura is dreaming of designer heels.

I've just realised that I've not got Laura any shoes to wear with her wedding dress.

So I'm going to have to borrow some money and go and get some shoes for her.

I need to make a phone call. I just don't know quite who to ring.

-I've not got a number.

-Surely there's someone who can help a desperate groom?

A friendly face in his hour of need?

-Hello.

-Hello, Jan. How's it going?

-Hello.

-Or not.

I've spent every single penny I could spend.

And I haven't got Laura any shoes.

Oh, right.

It's pretty much wear her own or...

her rather lovely mother is going to owe her one for lending...

Yes, I thought that was coming, yes.

HE CHUCKLES

OK.

Brilliant. Thanks, Jan.

-Speak to you in a bit.

-Bye.

Well, that sounded all right.

She's perfectly upbeat.

I need to borrow some money off of my future mother-in-law.

-Bank of mother-in-law.

-Before she is even my mother-in-law!

I'm not particularly impressed, put it that way.

SHE INHALES SHARPLY

But it's my daughter, so obviously I'll do it for her.

Let's just get there and sort it out.

We're not going to get there behind these old fogies, though.

-Come on, James, come on.

-For the third time in three weeks,

the surfer is bumming cash to keep his beach wedding afloat.

-If you're really stuck, give me a ring.

-It's fine, I'll sort it.

-You're a legend, thank you very much.

-But if you can't, give me a ring.

Have faith, Jan. No-one can rush a job like Mitch.

I've seen worse. 23 quid, job done.

Hardly, there's still a ton of things to do.

-Collecting the cheesecake...

-Cheers!

-..grabbing some shells to decorate the tables.

-These are pretty cool.

And picking up pimp hats for the P party.

Which just leaves transport, photography, favours,

place names and the table plan.

All the details that make a wedding.

-ALL:

-Woo!

-Sick!

But what will Laura make of her casual beach wedding

above a fish and chip shop on one of Britain's busiest beaches?

The fear's descended on me today.

I think today's the first day that I've gone, "Oh, my God,"

completely freaked out, and I'm feeling like I'm just going to have a complete breakdown.

It's the morning of the big day, and the conditions aren't ideal

for a beach wedding. But it's not all bad news.

-RADIO:

-'The surf along the north coast generally two-to-three feet,

'the incoming mainly clean.'

I think what I need to do is go down and set the tables up.

Once I've done that, I reckon I could be even more clear conscience and go for a quick surf.

Over at bridesmaid Polly's house, it's not the miserable weather worrying Laura.

It's Mitch's attention to detail.

Is there anything going in my hair?

I don't know, not as far as I know.

He hasn't given me anything.

-So I take it he hasn't got anything.

-I can't believe he didn't get anything for my hair,

that's so stupid.

What bride do you see walking down the aisle with nothing in her hair?

It's a wedding day.

I'm sure he's probably forgotten a lot of things, I can't imagine we've got wedding favours.

Can I put some gifts down to see what they look like?

Actually, Mitch is treating everyone to a bottle of sand and a name pebble. And a few shells.

It's kind of as it falls a little bit, you know.

There's no point in fussing too much.

Back in the bridal camp, Laura wants her dad.

There's no photographer here yet, and I'm nearly done with my hair and make-up.

-Would you be able to take a few shots?

-We'll get something together.

We'll just get the shots before we get to the reception, and hopefully

there'll be a photographer there.

Dad needn't worry, Mitch wouldn't forget the photos.

He's got his good friend and pro photographer

capturing every moment...

of his wedding surf.

INAUDIBLE

While Mitch heads off into the deep blue...

Oh, God.

..deep blue is all Laura is seeing.

Not what I would've chosen in a million years.

But, yeah, you all look lovely.

-Are you all happy?

-Yes.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

It's good, I can get my leg up, cos I like to dance like this.

Oh, my God!

At least she loves her own dress.

-ALL: Awww!

-Wow!

You look like a princess!

-And her 23 quid shoes.

-They're really nice.

-I love them.

Which is more than can be said for the boys' footwear.

Flip-flops? Are you serious?

-Yeah.

-Bloody man.

Christ's sake.

Mitch may be riding high,

but Laura's dream of an elegant, sophisticated day is sinking fast.

-Oh!

-Pat's taxis?!

No way! Is that for the bridesmaids?

Nope, that's for you, love.

Pat's cabs?!

Bloody awful, to be completely honest. Nothing like arriving in style.

They could've put a few more bows on it.

They could've had it through the bloomin' wash!

That's a good point.

It might not be luxury, but at least the bride and her nine bridesmaids are going to fit in.

It's a bit... Oh, my dress.

Down at Fistral Beach, the guests are arriving, but there's no sign of the groom.

I haven't seen James.

No ushers, nothing at the moment, so I've no idea what's happening.

Fingers crossed everything goes all right.

I can imagine him to still be in the surf and rock up a bit late, but that's just James.

Well, he'd better get a move on.

The bride's not far away.

-Where's he indicating?

-It's going left here, by the looks of it.

-Where are we going?

Ah!

No ushers, no groom.

Mitch wants a casual wedding, but this is ridiculous.

Even the staff are getting edgy.

Waiting for James to turn up, so the next five, ten minutes,

he needs to be here, cos the registrars will be coming.

Woo! That's it, last surf as a free man.

What's going on?

Going to be banded soon.

There's Mitchell in a wet suit! Only kidding.

Phew! Mitch arrives in the nick of time.

What's going on?

Just moments before the bridal party.

Minus the bride.

Lifeguard Mitch has laid on some transport for his bride after all.

I can see the lifeguard truck with ribbons on it!

HORN HONKS

-Oh, my God.

-This is typical him.

Yep, Mitch to the rescue.

I'm not going to get my countryside dream.

Well, I had a good little surf this morning, right there.

You can see why I'm getting married here.

I think it's Fistral Blu, knowing him.

-Might be.

-It's right on the beach.

# Two bodies in the sand... #

Now I feel sick and I'm hungry.

Well, you can always stop for some fish and chips.

Where are we going?

# I lost control here

# Living free

# I left my soul there... #

Oh, my God! LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, you look amazing!

-This is really weird!

-I know!

I ask you now, James,

will you take Laura to be your wife for the rest of your lives together?

-Answer.

-(Say, "I will.")

-Yes, I will.

LAUGHTER

-Laura, I ask you now.

-I will.

Laura, with this ring, a promise is sealed between us.

A promise of love and friendship.

-To bind us together.

-Through our passage of time.

James and Laura, it is now my pleasure to announce that you are husband and wife.

CHEERING

I love you.

CHEERING

-Pat's cabs, flip-flops?

-HE LAUGHS

-Not so sure.

-I know, I know. HE LAUGHS

-I rinsed the budget and Pat's cabs was how you were getting here.

-I didn't mind.

Well, darling...

And then, of course, there's Mitch's budget beach decor.

-You remembered favours!

-Exactly!

-I so didn't think you would remember favours.

-What a dream.

-This is a dream for me.

-I know.

This is probably more my dream than yours.

But at least Laura's getting her professional photos.

Thank you, Laura, for being the most beautiful, perfect girl that I've dreamt about all my life.

-ALL:

-Awww!

This wedding has definitely reflected James's tastes.

It's definitely James has got his stamp on this one.

It's been an absolute major success.

It was a shame that Laura had to amble down the cliffs.

Maybe if she'd organised the wedding,

there might've been a slightly different mode of transport.

The organisation's been pretty loose,

but considering he's as such a surf bum, I think it's turned out all right.

Turned out real good.

I did think it was going to be a complete shambles, but he's has surprised me.

I'm delighted with the way it's turned out.

He ran out of budget, didn't he?

So there was no limo, no horse-drawn carriage, just Pat's cabs.

CHEERING

And the newlyweds take a Tuxi to their reception venue.

-How are you? Have you had a good day?

-I've had an amazing day, thank you.

You look like a beautiful bride.

Thank you. It's all down to you.

Well, you know, I like to try.

This is us celebrating the rest of our lives together.

And if I do anything to upset you, I won't be letting you down, I'll be letting everyone here down.

And I've no intention of doing that.

There's a pirate, nick his patch!

Don't speak too soon.

Darling wife of mine, I'll do my best not to ruin it for you,

-but this is a P party, and you're the princess.

-Oh, my God!

Surely it's every bride's dream?

Porn stars, priests, pimps.

Pucker up, princess.

Next time, James and Mercy.

-OK!

-I could picture her coming in and bursting into tears.

-Exactly what I didn't want!

-African men don't wear pink.

SHE SCREAMS

Where's the make-up artist?

I've left the rings.

SHE SCREAMS

-Disaster.

-Oh, my God, I can't get in.

You're going to McDonald's?

McDonald's? Oi! Less of that!

SHE SCREAMS

# ..together

# Well, it's always better when we're together

# Yeah, it's always better when we're together

# Mmm mmm mm-mm mm-mm

# Mm-mm mm-mm mmm mmm

# Mmm mm mm. #

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