Monsters vs Aliens

SPACE AGE MUSIC PLAYS

ON RADIO: # You'd better pray to the Lord

# When you see those flying saucers

# It may be the coming of the Judgment Day... #

ALARM BLARES

Hey, Jerry. You might want to check this one out.

Palomar just picked it up. Looks like some type of UFO.

It's heading this way.

How many times do I have to tell you this?

UFOs don't exist. We're never going to see...

Wow. Its energy signature is massive.

Holy Cheesits. What do we do? No-one ever told us what to do.

The only reason I took this job is cos you never do anything!

Jerry, stop it. We calculate its impact point.

Looks like...

Modesto, California.

Supernova, this is Red Dwarf. We actually have one.

Code Nimoy. I repeat, Code Nimoy.

DEEP WHEEZING AND SLURPING

DOOR CREAKS

SHE SCREAMS

ALL SCREAM

SHE WHEEZES

SHE SLURPS

What are you guys doing here? It's five in the morning.

Hurry, turn on the TV. Turn it on now!

'And some early-morning fog giving way to sunny skies.

'75 degrees, a perfect day to stop by the old folk art and craft show

'down at the fairgrounds.

'Or a perfect day to marry Susan Murphy.

'(I love you, baby.)'

-I love you, too. ALL:

-Aww.

'Aww.'

'And good morning, Modesto.'

'Channel 172.'

# I know something about love

# You've got to want it bad

# If that guy's got into your blood... #

You look gorgeous, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom.

Ah, my little girl.

Daddy!

Now, I want you to know that even though I'm about to give you away,

I will always be here to take care of you.

Don't cry, because then you're going to make me cry.

That's just going to be a mess.

-HE SOBS

-I can't help it.

Hello, everyone. Attention, attention.

Wedding starts in 30 minutes.

My beautiful daughter-in-law.

-Hi, Mama Dietl.

-It's like a fairy-tale.

The weatherman and the weatherman's wife.

Romantic.

Oh, I know.

Just think - this time tomorrow, I'm going to be in Paris.

And someday we won't just be honeymooning there.

Derek will become an anchor or a foreign correspondent

and we'll travel all over the world.

Oh, honey, my fingers are crossed.

One thumb is shorter than the other. It runs in the family.

Derek doesn't have that.

It skips a generation. Your kids are going to have it.

SHE SIGHS

BIRDS TWITTER

Wow, you look beautiful.

So do you. I mean, handsome.

I mean... Sorry, I'm just a little frazzled.

I just spent way too much time with our parents.

Don't worry, OK? We'll be alone soon.

Just us.

Mmm. Eating cheese and baguettes by the Seine.

Feeding each other chocolate crepes.

SHE SIGHS

-Um...

-Is something wrong?

No, no, it's just that, well...

there's been a slight change of plans.

We're not going to Paris.

What? Why not?

We're going somewhere better.

-Better than Paris?

-Oh, yeah.

Where? Tahiti?

Nope. Fresno.

Fresno!

Fresno.

In what universe is Fresno better than Paris, Derek?

In the "I've got an audition

"to become Channel 23's new evening anchor" universe.

I got the call from the general manager.

He wants me to come in immediately. Isn't that great?

Derek, that's...amazing.

It's amazing.

Fresno's like a top 50 market, isn't it?

Actually, it's 55th. But we're on our way, babe.

-HE SIGHS

-Now, look, about Paris.

-It's OK.

It's fine.

As long as we're together, Fresno is the most romantic city

in the whole world.

I'm so proud of you.

Of us. Not just of me.

I mean, of course, but we're a team now.

You're so proud of us.

Now, get out of here. It's bad luck to see me in my dress.

Come on, you know I don't believe in that stuff.

I'll be waiting for you at the altar.

The handsome news anchor in the tux, all right?

-Love ya! There, I said it.

-HE LAUGHS

I love you, too.

THUNDER-LIKE RUMBLE, SHE GASPS

SHE GASPS

Susan!

Where could she be? Susan!

Where are you?

SHE MOANS

Susan, where have you been?

I think I just got hit by a meteorite.

-SHE SIGHS

-Oh, Susan.

Every bride feels that way on her wedding day.

My goodness, look at you. You're filthy.

Thank God I have Wet Ones.

SHE PLAYS "BRIDAL CHORUS"

Wow.

You're glowing.

-Thank you.

-No, Susan.

You're, like, really glowing.

You're green.

SHE GASPS

Oh, no.

SHE GROANS

Derek!

Oh, my gosh.

What's going on?

-What's happening here?

-You're all shrinking!

Uh-uh. You're growing.

-Well, make it stop.

-Get me the Government.

This is impossible.

No. This can't be happening.

SHE SCREAMS

Wait, everybody, it's OK.

Have some champagne while we're figuring this out.

Thumbs, thumbs!

SCREAMING

Derek. Help me.

SHE GROANS

Sweet Lord.

Here comes the bride!

Oh, Carl, it's her wedding day.

-Derek. Derek!

-All non-military personnel...

Don't hurt Derek.

Susan.

Thank goodness you're OK. What's happening to me?

Don't panic, don't worry. Whatever you do, don't drop...

HE YELLS Derek!

Sorry, sir.

Who are you people? What are you doing?

Stop it! Be careful.

Get your hands off me. Don't you know who I am?

Please, just leave me alone.

SHE SCREAMS

HE YELLS

MEN SHOUT

She's coming down!

Watch out!

Move it, move it. Let's go. Move it, move it.

Derek.

'All teams are Oscar Mike. Let's get this baby on the bus.'

ALARM RINGS

Honey, could you hit the snooze?

Baby, why did you set the alarm?

We're on our honeymoon.

SHE GRUNTS

ALARM DRONES Hello?

What's going on?

CLANKING

SHE CRIES OUT

SHE SHRIEKS

ALARM STOPS

CLANKING

SHE HYPERVENTILATES

Hello?

SHE GASPS

Is it just legs? Did we capture a giant pair of legs?

Silence, BOB. She'll hear us.

How? Legs don't have ears?

Just shush.

Hello?

Is there someone there?

Could you please tell me where I am?

HISSING

SHE GASPS Hello?

(What was that?)

Hello.

Ewww!

Will you stop...? Careful!

Please, madam.

Stop...doing...that.

Ow!

Whatever mad scientist made you,

he really went all out.

You can talk...

Hi there.

Eurgh!

Argh! My back.

Just kidding. I don't have a back.

Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.

Turns out you don't need one.

Totally overrated. As a matter of fact,

-I don't even...

-HE GASPS

I forgot how to breathe. Don't know how to breathe.

Help me, Dr Cockroach. Help!

-Help!

-Suck in, BOB.

BOB INHALES

Thanks, Doc.

You're a life-saver.

-SHE GASPS

-Wow, look at you.

I know what you're thinking. First day in prison,

you want to take down the toughest guy in the yard.

I'd like to see you try.

Huh! Ha! He! Yah!

Ninja!

He! Ha! Yah!

-CRACK!

-Ow!

Gosh!

Look, she's speechless.

-She?

-Yes, BOB.

We are in the presence of the rare female monster.

No way. It's a boy. Look at his boobies.

We need to have a talk.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are not making a very good first impression.

At least I'm talking.

First new monster in years, we couldn't get a wolfman or a mummy?

You know, somebody to play cards with.

Might we ask your name, madam?

Susan.

No, we mean, like, your monster name.

What do people scream when they see you coming?

You know, like, "Look out! Here comes..."

Susan.

-Really?

-Su-u-u-usan.

Ooh, I just scared myself. That is scary.

-ALARM BLARES

-Yes! Eat time.

That is repulsive.

Ooh, an old slipper.

Oh, please, God. Please tell me this isn't real.

Please tell me I had a nervous breakdown at the wedding

and now I'm in a mental hospital

on medication that gives me hallucinations.

GROWLING

ROARING

SHE SCREAMS

Don't scare Insectosaurus.

He's going to pee himself. Then we'll all be in trouble.

Every room has a door. Where's the door?

It's OK, buddy. Don't worry about it.

Who's a handsome bug, huh?

You like it when I rub your tummy?

Please, somebody!

I don't belong here!

-Let me out!

-Hey, hey. That is not a good idea.

Let me out!

Monsters, get back in your cells.

Oh, thank goodness. A real person.

You are a real person, right?

You're not one of those half-person, half-machine, you know,

-whatever you call those things.

-A cyborg?

Oh, no! You're a cyborg!

Madam, I assure you I am not a cyborg.

The name is General WR Monger.

I'm in charge of this facility.

Now, follow me. It is time for your orientation.

In 1950, it was decided that Jane and Joe Public

could not handle the truth about monsters

and should focus on more important things like paying taxes.

So, the government convinced the world

monsters were stuff of myth and legend,

then locked them away in this here facility.

SHE GASPS

But I'm not a monster. I'm just a regular person.

I'm not a danger to anyone or anything.

SHRIEKING

Don't let her get me.

Sorry.

MOOING

-How long will I be here?

-Indefinitely.

-Can I contact my parents?

-No.

-Derek?

-Negative.

-Do they know where I am?

-No, and they never will.

This place is an X-File wrapped in a cover-up

and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.

There will be zero contact with the outside world.

LOW GROWLING

Seven, eight...

999,

1,000.

I can't believe I did ten sets.

HE LAUGHS

Ah, Susan.

You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you?

Just need a smidge.

Rescind Doc Cockroach's toy box privileges immediately.

We had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell.

Try to keep y'all calm like.

But I don't want a poster.

I want a real kitten hanging from a real tree.

I want to go home.

Come on, little Debbie, please don't cry.

It makes my knees hurt. Don't think of this as a prison.

Think of it as a hotel you never leave

because it's locked from the outside.

Oh, and one other thing.

The government has changed your name to Ginormica.

SHE GASPS

-COMPUTER:

-'Begin reanimation sequence.'

Who dares to wake me?

'Quantonium has been located on a distant planet

'in the Omega Quadrant.'

The Omega Quadrant?

Lame.

'The trajectory of the quantonium meteor has been traced

'to sector 72-4.

'A planet locally known as Earth.'

What a miserable-looking mudball.

Send a robot probe.

Extract the quantonium with extreme prejudice.

I want it all.

Every last drop.

'Yes, Gallaxhar.'

Nothing can stand in my way now.

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

Don't rush me, Katie. I'm just not ready.

Oh, relax, Cuthbert. It's just like dancing.

I'll lead.

RADIO SIGNAL WOBBLES

Katie, I have a gymnastics meet tomorrow. So maybe...

Did you open the top?

Oh. Thank goodness. It's the police.

-We weren't doing anything, officer.

-Yeah, nothing at all.

Jiminy!

Why did I even let you talk me into this?

-Maybe we should get out of here.

-Or maybe we should go check it out.

Katie, are you nuts?

Wait! Don't leave me alone.

HE SHRIEKS

My ankle.

I think it's broken. Katie?

(This is the worst date ever.)

Katie, I'm frightened.

BOTH YELL

It was first spotted at midnight last night

by a couple in romantic embrace.

No-one knows what it is or where it came from.

All branches of the military were immediately mobilised.

What is that?

OK.

I have just received word that the President of the United States

has arrived and will attempt to make first contact.

I must approach it alone.

This is all about peaceful communication.

-CLANKING

-Yes, sir, Mr President.

'Perimeter stable. Got a bead on Papa Bear. All clear.'

HE PANTS

KNUCKLES CRACK

TUNE FROM "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind"

FLAT NOTE

CORRECT NOTE

HE GULPS

MUSIC: "Axel F" by Harold Faltermeyer

BEAT KICKS IN

HE PANTS

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

ALL GASP

Saddle up. Let's go. MEN SHOUT

Here we go.

Man down!

Whoa!

Commander, do something violent.

You heard the President. Light him up.

We're getting pummelled down here. Call in air support.

Call in air support!

INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER RADIOS

Yeah!

INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER RADIOS

Call in...

CLEARS THROAT Call in a full retreat.

Full retreat, full retreat. All troops.

-Wheels up. Papa Bear's on the move.

-Wait.

So, that's how you want to play it? Eat lead, alien robot.

HE GULPS

-Evidently they eat lead.

-Get him on the chopper.

I'm brave! I'm a brave President.

Get out of the way!

Sir! We need to declare...

We need to overthrow that robot and install our own approved government

within the robot.

-I say we invade it.

-At this rate, the Earth only has two weeks left.

If it walks into a populated area, there will be a catastrophe.

We need our top scientific minds. Get India on the phone.

Can we transport the United States to a safer planet?

I say we give him a green card and make him proud to be American.

Sir, it's at dire times like this when I stop and ask myself

-what would Oprah do?

-Hang it all!

What's the point? It's a disaster.

ALL: Stop!

That button launches all of our nuclear missiles.

Then which button gets me a latte?

That would be the other one, sir.

What idiot designed this thing?

You did, sir.

Fair enough.

-Wilson, fire somebody.

-Yes, sir, Mr President.

Listen up. I'm not going to go down in history

as the President who was in office when the world came to an end.

So, somebody think of something and think of it fast.

-That is a good cup of Joe.

-Mr President!

Not only do I have an idea, but I have a plan.

Hoo-rah.

Now, conventional weapons have no effect on this thing.

We all know nukes ain't an option.

Sure they are. Just, er...

-ALL: No!

-No, wait!

I'm not going to kid you, Mr President.

These are dark times. The odds are against us.

We need a Hail Mary pass. We need raw power.

We need...

monsters.

Monsters! Of course!

It's so simple.

I... I'm not following you.

Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage

and locked them up in a secret prison facility.

So secret that the mere mention of its name is a federal offence.

Is he referring to Area 5...

HE GASPS

Mr President, say hello to Insectosaurus.

SHE SCREAMS

Miss Ronson, please.

Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub

into a 350-foot tall monster that attacked Tokyo.

Here we have The Missing Link.

MISS RONSON SCREAMS

A 20,000-year-old, frozen fish-man who was thawed out by scientists.

He escaped and went on a rampage at his old watering-hole.

This handsome fellow is Dr Cockroach, PhD.

The most brilliant man in the world.

He invented a scientific machine

that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive.

Unfortunately, there was a side-effect.

MISS RONSON SCREAMS

Now, we call this thing BOB.

MISS RONSON SCREAMS Will someone get her out of here?

Thank you.

A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered,

ranch-flavoured, dessert topping at a snack food plant.

The resulting goop gained consciousness

and became an indestructible, gelatinous mass.

And our latest addition - Ginormica.

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

General, continue.

Her entire body radiates with pure energy,

giving her enormous strength and size.

Sir, these monsters are our best and only chance to defeat that robot.

Don't we already have an alien problem, General?

I don't think we need a monster problem, too.

You got a better idea, nerd?

Ah!

ALL EXCLAIM

-OK, stay where you are.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

General, I propose we go forward

with your monsters versus aliens idea...thingy.

Go fish.

Do you have...

any...

threes?

Yes. I do.

How are you doing this? You're the luckiest guy I know.

Luck ain't got nothing to do with it.

What the... Hey!

They called me crazy. But I'll show them.

-I'll show them all.

-MANIACAL LAUGH

Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh

while I'm hooked up to this machine.

INSECTOSAURUS GROANS

You're right, Insecto.

You've been letting that quack experiment on you for over a month.

I'm not a quack, I'm a mad scientist.

There is a difference.

Guys, what choice do I have?

If he can make me normal or even 6 foot 8, I can get out of here.

Get back to the life I'm supposed to have.

-I should be in...

-Let me guess. Fresno?

Well, Fresno's just a stepping stone.

Next step Milwaukee, and then New York and then someday...

Yeah, we know. Paris.

Throw the switch, Doctor. But don't do the laugh.

Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain.

-MANIACAL LAUGH

-Sorry.

Susan! Yoo-hoo!

Am I small again?

I'm afraid not, my dear.

In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.

It's OK, Doc. We'll try again tomorrow.

You really don't get it, do you?

No monster has ever gotten out of here.

That's not true. The Invisible Man did.

No, he didn't.

We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.

He died of a heart attack 25 years ago.

No!

Yeah, in that very chair.

He's still there.

BOB MOANS

You see what I'm saying?

Nobody's leaving, nobody's ever getting out.

Good news, monsters. You're getting out.

Until today.

So, let me get this straight, Monger.

You want us to fight an alien robot.

And in exchange, the President of these United States

has authorised me to grant you your freedom.

I can't believe it. Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms.

Or he'll be in mine.

I can't wait for spring break back at Coco Beach, just...

freaking everybody out.

And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.

No, that's me, BOB.

Then I'll be a really giant lady.

That's Susan, BOB.

Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.

Yeah, that's still Susan, BOB.

I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek.

WOMAN: All right, let's go.

INSECTOSAURUS ROARS

CAR HORNS HONK

Everybody move in an orderly fashion.

This is an emergency. We are evacuating the city.

Exact change is appreciated but not necessary.

Let's move out.

This is San Francisco. This isn't far from my home.

-DR COCKROACH SIGHS

-Feel the wind on your antennae.

Isn't this wonderful?

I haven't been outside in 50 years. It's... It's amazing out here.

It's a little hotter than I remember.

Has the Earth gotten warmer? That'd be great to know.

That would be a very convenient truth.

GROANING AND CLANKING

Woo-whee!

-Now, that's a robot!

-It's huge.

Try not to damage it too much, monsters.

I might want to bring it back to the farm.

No, no, no. Wait. You didn't say anything about it being huge.

Wait! No, don't leave!

I think he sees us.

Hello. Hi!

How are you doing? Welcome.

We are here to destroy you.

I can't fight that thing. I can't even...

I've n...

I'm hyperventilating.

Does anybody have a giant paper bag?

Relax.

Old Link's got this under control.

Hide in the city, Susan. You'll be safe there.

But stay away from the Tenderloin. It's a little dicey.

Finally, some action.

I'm going to turn that oversized tin can

into a really dented, oversized tin can.

OK. Does anybody have a 20 on Insectosaurus?

Wow. Would you look at the size of that...?

Foot!

I got him, you guys. I got...

Don't worry, I won't let go. I'm wearing him down.

Please tell me he's slowing down.

Get to the city, Link. I'll catch up with you as soon as I can.

Or maybe you'll have to catch up with me.

POUNDING

SHE GASPS

SHE GASPS

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh, no! No!

Oh.

OK, OK.

I've got this.

-CLANG

-Ow.

Yep, that hurt.

Get in. I have a plan.

HE LAUGHS

Hot dogs.

HE YELLS

All right, Link. I'm going to pull up alongside it.

You get up in there. Get to its central processing unit and...

-Hey, guys! Catch me!

-BOTH: No!

Let's go, let's go. Keep it moving.

Hey, no honking.

Excuse me. Coming through. On your right. No control.

TRUCK HORN HONKS

Oh, no.

OK, it's going to be OK. I'm going to get you out of there.

Hold on a second. You have to get off the bridge before...

HE YELLS

YELLING AND SCREAMING

SHE SCREAMS

No! No!

No! Get away from me!

ROARING

Coming through. Watch it.

SHE SCREAMS

Hey, furball. Where you been?

Yeah, I know. Papa's a little out of shape.

Excuse me, he's trying to kill me.

Why is it doing that? Why would it...?

Wow.

SHE GASPS

Wow. You're doing great.

I'm doing everything!

Not for long. Come on, you guys.

Let's take this thing down.

A deflector shield. Typical.

You can't crush a cockroach.

HE LAUGHS

HE GASPS FOR BREATH

Right.

Here we go.

HE YELLS

Insectosaurus.

Insectosaurus!

-BOB!

-What?

-Help me!

Sorry, I was just staring at this bird over there.

We have to get these people off the bridge.

-Got it.

-WOMAN SCREAMS

No! Move the dividers.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

-My bad.

-HE LAUGHS

Go, go, go, go!

SHE GROANS

Link.

-HE GROANS

-I don't feel good.

OK, Susan, you can do this.

All right. Let's take this thing down.

-COMPUTER:

-'Retrieval has failed.

'Don't get upset. It happens to everyone.'

HE GROANS

That lower life-form thinks she can steal my quantonium.

Send another probe at once.

'Quantonium cannot be retrieved via robot.

'Carbon-based life-form locally known as Susan is now too strong.'

Oh. You think because you're all big and strong

and you can destroy my robot probe

that you're going to send me running and hiding?

My days of running and hiding are over.

Computer, set a course to Earth.

I will retrieve the quantonium myself,

even if I need to rip it out of her body one cell at a time.

'Careful, it's hot.'

Three weeks ago, if you had asked me to defeat a giant alien robot,

I would have said no can do. But I did it. Me.

I'm still buzzing. Did you see how strong I was?

There probably isn't a jar in this world I can't open.

You were positively heroic, my dear.

I especially loved how you saved all those people on the bridge.

It was a nice touch. Wasn't she amazing, Link?

Yeah, she was great. Really cool. Loved it.

Oh, poor Link.

After all that tough talk, you were out-monstered by a girl.

No wonder you're depressed.

Hey, I'm not depressed. I'm tired.

Why are YOU tired? You didn't do anything.

I haven't been sleeping well, all right?

I've got sleep apness, apni...

apnoea. Whatever. It's not fun.

So Link's a little rusty. I mean, sleep-deprived.

You'll be back to your old self in no time.

And so will I.

What about the "there isn't a jar in the world I can't open" stuff?

Wait, did you find a jar you couldn't open?

What was in it? Was there pickles in it?

Where's the giant jar of pickles?

What my associate is trying to say

is we all think the new Susan is the cat's mi-wow.

HE LAUGHS

I'm sorry.

Aww. Thanks, you guys.

That is so sweet.

But I have a normal life waiting for me, you know?

So tell me exactly how this normal life thing works

-with you being giant and all.

-I'm not going to be a giant forever.

Derek won't rest until we find a cure for my...condition.

We're a team.

We could all do with a Derek.

Perhaps someday we could make his acquaintance.

Really?

You guys want to meet Derek?

First stop, Modesto.

Ginormica, I called your family to let them know you were coming home.

I also called the Modesto PD, told them not to shoot at you.

Thanks, General.

CLUNK!

OK, remember. These people aren't used to seeing, erm...

anything like you.

Or... Or you. Or you.

So just be, you know, cool.

Just be, you know... Follow my lead.

CRUNCH

ALL YELL

Stop!

That was an accident. Don't destroy anything.

CRASH

Susan?

Susie Q!

Mom, Daddy.

Did they...experiment on you?

No, Mom. I'm fine.

It's OK. They're with me.

These are my new friends.

Oh, Derek. I missed you so much.

Thinking that we'd someday be together again.

It's the only thing that got me through prison.

I love you! I love this man!

No, BOB, that's my mother. You're suffocating her.

Honey, are you all right?

I taste ham.

Sorry, Mom.

He's just a hugger.

-Where's Derek?

-He's at work, sweetie.

You know how he is about his career.

We're not going to celebrate without him.

Susan. What do I do with all your little friends?

Just put out some snacks. They'll eat anything.

Oh! Ambrosia.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

How's it going?

Que pasa, girlfriend?

Way to cut up a rug, Insecto.

Who wants to go for a swim with the Link?

HE YELLS

Hi, I'm Benzoate Ostylezene Bicarbonate.

Or you can call me BOB. Whichever's easier.

Did I come on too strong? I'm sorry.

I'm a little rusty. I've been in prison my whole life.

Why did I mention prison?

Oh, I didn't mean to scare you.

I'm just going to go. (I feel so stupid.)

All right, everyone just stay calm. Whatever you do, do not provoke them.

Anyone care for an atomic gin fizz?

It's got quite a...

..kick.

HE ROARS

Chlorine! Chlorine in my eyes.

HE YELLS

Everyone, run for your lives!

What are they running away from?

HE LAUGHS

That's hilarious, Jim.

That is exactly the kind of down home country humour

I'm going to miss when I'm in Fresno.

This is Derek Dietl signing off for the very last time.

Goodnight, Modesto!

'Channel 172.'

And cut. APPLAUSE

So did you like that sign-off? Just made it up.

SHE SCREAMS

SCREAMING AND YELLING

Oh, my goodness.

Wait, wait, wait...

Oh, Derek. You wouldn't believe my last three weeks.

You just wouldn't believe it.

Thinking about you was the only thing that kept me sane.

C-C-Can't breathe. Ribs collapsing.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

HE GROANS Oh, my God. Is that better?

-OK. OK.

-Oh, yeah.

I'm just still kind of getting used to my new strength.

Wow, you really are big.

Yeah. But I'm still me. I'm still the same girl you fell in love with.

Except you did just destroy the Golden Gate Bridge.

But that was the only way I was going to stop that giant robot.

-Did you ever think I could do something like that?

-No, I didn't.

I can honestly say that it never,

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever occurred to me.

Look, I know this is a little weird.

OK, it's a lot weird. But we'll figure it out.

I know that together we can find a way to get me back to normal.

Susan, try and look at this from my perspective.

I have an audience that depends on me for news, weather, sports

and heart-warming fluff pieces.

So you expect me to put all that on hold while you try to undo

this thing that happened to YOU?

That I had absolutely nothing to do with?

Yes. That's exactly what I expect.

What about the life that we always talked about?

Don't you still want that?

Of course. I just...

don't see how I can have that with you.

Derek, please.

Don't do this.

You have to face facts, Susan.

And don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married

and spend the rest of my life in someone else's shadow.

And you're casting a pretty big shadow.

I'm sorry. It's over.

Good luck, Susan.

CLUNKING AND CREAKING

Wow, what a shindig.

Your parents really know how to throw it down.

What? No, that was a great party.

One of the best I've been to since I got out of prison.

I must have been at a different party,

cos that's not how I interpreted it at all.

I don't think your parents like me

and I think that jello gave me a fake phone number.

Well, at least the garbage was free, you know?

Who are we kidding? We could save every city on the planet

and they'd still treat us the same way they've always treated us.

Like monsters.

Right. Monsters.

Anyway, how, er...? How was Derek?

Derek is a selfish jerk.

-No!

-Yes.

All that talk about "us". I'm so proud of "us".

"Us" just got a job in Fresno.

There's no "us". There was only Derek.

Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I'm such an idiot.

Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway?

I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him.

Fighting an alien robot?

That was me, not him.

And that was amazing.

Meeting you guys!

Amazing.

Dr Cockroach, you can crawl up walls

and build a supercomputer out of a pizza box,

two cans of hairspray and...

-And a paperclip.

-Amazing.

And you! You hardly need an introduction.

You're the Missing Link!

You carried 250 co-eds off of Coco Beach

and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard.

And the coastguard. And also the lifeguard.

Amazing.

BOB, who else could fall from unimaginable heights

and end up without a single scratch?

-Link?

-You.

-Amazing!

ROARING

Good point, Insecto. Susan, don't short-change yourself.

Oh, I'm not going to short-change myself ever again.

-Testify.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, yes.

SHE SHRIEKS

ALL: Susan!

Way to go, Insecto.

-SQUEAKS

-Insecto, look out!

Insectosaurus, no!

INSECTOSAURUS GROANS

You're going to make it.

It's going to be all right. Look at me.

Don't you close those eyes. Don't you dare close those eyes.

You can't...

SHE MOANS

SHE GASPS

SHE YELPS

EVIL LAUGH

You must be terrified.

You wake up in a strange place wearing strange clothes

imprisoned by a strange being

floating on a strange hovering device.

Strange, isn't it?

Hardly. It's not the first time.

Wow. You really get around.

To the extraction chamber!

Look, what is it that you want from me?

You have stolen what is rightfully mine.

I didn't steal anything from you.

Your enormous, grotesque body contains quantonium,

the most powerful substance in the universe.

Did you really think you could keep it from me?

That's what this is all about?

You destroyed San Francisco, you terrified millions of people,

you killed my friend just to get to me?

Ah, ka-ka-ka-ka-ka.

Silence. Your voice is grating on my ear nubs.

It's a shame you won't be around to see

what the power of quantonium can do

in the tentacles of someone who knows how to use it.

I know how to use it just fine.

Don't bother.

That force-field is impene...

What the flagnon?

SHE YELLS

Ha! That should stop your puny...

Computer, close door hangar two.

Close door hangar three.

Door hangar four.

Close them all!

SHE GRUNTS

Computer, begin extraction.

Oh!

Ah!

HE CHUCKLES

HE LAUGHS

Finally, I can rebuild my civilisation on a new planet.

Any thoughts on where I should set up shop?

Your planet, perhaps?

You keep your slimly tentacles off my planet.

If you wanted to stop me,

you should have done it when you possessed the quantonium.

Now you're nothing.

There are innocent people down there who didn't do anything.

There were innocent people on MY home planet before it was destroyed.

Look, I'm sorry your planet was destroyed.

Oh, don't be. I'm the one who destroyed it.

Confused?

After I reveal my tale to you,

everything will become crystal clear.

Computer, initialise cloning machine.

-COMPUTER:

-'Yes, Gallaxhar.'

Many zentons ago, when I was but a squidling,

I found out my parents were...

No child should ever have to endure that.

So I went on the road with a giant...

..and soon thereafter was married.

Things were going well until she wanted to...

And then I was all, "No way," and she was all, "Yes way."

And I was like...

But I've told you too much already.

Let the birth of my new planet,

now called...

Gallaxhar's Planet, begin!

Once again, a UFO has landed in America,

the only country UFOs ever seem to land in.

Excuse me.

What's that, Henshaw?

Okey dokey.

Er, we now take you live

to a transmission from the alien spacecraft.

Humans of Earth, I have come in peace.

You need not fear me - I mean you no harm.

However, it is important to note

that most of you will not survive the next 24 hours.

Those of you who DO survive will be enslaved and experimented on.

You should in no way take any of this personally -

it's just business.

So just to recap,

I come in peace, I mean you no harm, and you all will die.

Gallaxhar out.

OK. Er, boys, set the terror level at code brown,

cos I need to change my pants.

What are we going to do now, Doc?

-I...

-HE SIGHS

I don't know.

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

We're not going to let Insecto die in vain.

We're going to get up there,

find Susan, and we're going to take that alien down.

All right, gentlemen, you've got enough juice in those jet packs

to get you up there but not enough to make it home.

I'll come get you if I can. If I don't, it means I'm dead.

Or late.

I've been your warden for close to 50 years.

That's no longer the case.

For what it's worth...

That's rude. What did we do?

No, BOB. That's not rude.

That's a sign of respect.

-General, it's targeting us.

-That's the idea, Lieutenant.

Hold your course.

Steady, steady.

Hard right, hard right.

I can't shake it.

Hang onto your socks - we're going for a ride.

Yee-ha!

That's why I always wear a parachute, Lieutenant.

You can let go of me now, Lieutenant.

RUMBLING AND CRACKING

HE MAKES BIRD NOISES

Who are you signalling? We're right here.

Hey, zip it.

Clone.

ALL: Hail Gallaxhar.

No. Not all of you. You there.

Erm, how do I do this? Three back.

No, no, no. That guy. Next to you.

The one I'm pointing at.

You, the one... Ack-ka-ka-ka-ka.

You, clone. Yes. Good.

HE SIGHS

Take the prisoner to the incinerator.

She's useless to us now.

-Hail Gallaxhar.

-Hail me.

Wow.

Ginormica ain't so ginormic any more.

How are we supposed to get to her?

There's too many of them. It's impossible.

I may not have a brain, gentlemen,

but I have an idea.

This is not going to work.

Oh.

Halt.

I...Gallaxhar, command you to hand over the prisoner this instant.

Clearly you are defective beyond repair.

Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator.

Well, what are you waiting for? You and you.

-Seriously?

-Yes.

Take the prisoner and the defective clone to the incinerator.

Er, of course, sir.

Here's a security pass just in case.

-Would you like a gun?

-Yes, I would.

Hey, guys, look.

OK.

I can't believe you guys came to save me.

-Thank you.

-Don't mention it. We monsters have got to stick together.

But I'm not a monster any more.

I'm just me.

My dear, no matter what your size, you'll always be...

nothing but a filthy, carbon-based life-form.

ALL: Hail Gallaxhar.

Hail Gallaxhar.

These disguises are the bomb.

That's it! Follow me.

The only way to save the Earth...

-ALL: Hail Gallaxhar.

-Hail Gallaxhar.

-The only way to sa...

-Hail Gallaxhar.

-Hail Gallaxhar.

The only way to save the Earth

-is to blow up this ship before...

-Hail Gallaxhar.

-..before the invasion starts.

-So how are we going to do this?

We need to find the main power core.

Excuse me, could you direct us to the main power core?

Gladly. It's right there above the extraction chamber.

-Thank you very much. Hail Gallaxhar.

-Watch out!

-Look out, brainless.

-Give me that thing!

A weapon like this needs to be in the hands of somebody responsi...

Oh.

What?

Hail Gallaxhar?

Monsters.

-COMPUTER:

-'Monsters.'

Monsters? Attention, all aliens.

Destroy all monsters.

You want some of this?

You want to hurt my friends, you'll have to go through me.

Oh, yeah.

-Susan.

-Ah!

I can't believe we made it.

HE YELLS

-CLANK

-Ow.

O...M...G.

-COMPUTER:

-'Warning - intruder.'

COMPUTER LAUGHS

'You'll never figure out my colour code.'

A hexadecimal colour code system.

This won't be but a moment.

MANIACAL LAUGH

Red, green, blue, yellow, orange, baby blue,

purple, pink, mauve, gold, brown ochre, avocado, then we go - hey!

DANCE MUSIC

Come on, dance.

'Your busted, tired dance moves are no match for my security protocols.'

We can't hold them off much longer.

There's one thing you don't know about me, my dear. My PhD is in...

..dance.

'Security protocol breached.

'Ship has been set to self-destruct.

'Total annihilation in T minus six minutes.'

Well, launch the invasion, then.

'Invasion no longer possible.'

Oh...spaceballs!

Divert the quantonium to the bridge and prepare my escape capsule.

Look at that. They're all running scared.

-Monsters win.

-I don't think that's why they're running.

'Ship will self-destruct in T minus five minutes.'

Hail Gallaxhar.

We're not going to make it.

HE YELLS

Keep going.

HE STRAINS

It's no use. It won't budge.

If I was still Ginormica, I could do this.

Get out of here while you've still got the chance.

No, don't say that. I'm not leaving you guys.

Yes, you are. Rendezvous with Monger.

He's outside the ship waiting for you.

Go while there's still time.

'Ship will self-destruct in T minus four minutes.'

Don't you worry about us, Susan.

You finally have a chance to get your old life back.

I don't want my old life back.

They think they've stopped me.

They've stopped nothing.

'Female, carbon-based life-form, or Susan, not contained.'

What?

Attention, robot probes.

Crush the earthling.

SHE SHRIEKS

'Robot bay has been destroyed.'

-HE GROWLS

-Fire phasoid cannon.

HE YELLS

Are you crazy? You could have killed me.

Then we understand each other.

Now, open the doors and let my friends go.

Or what?

You don't actually think you're a match for me, do you?

ELECTRIC BUBBLING NOISE

'Quantonium has been successfully diverted to the bridge.

'Escape capsule ready for transport.'

Like I told you before,

you should have defeated me when you had the quantonium.

Have fun exploding.

-Argh!

-Argh.

Whoa...

Now, open the doors.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

That's what happens when you set a ship to self-destruct.

Now we're all going to die!

And there's nothing you can do about it...Susan.

I wouldn't be so sure.

And the name is Ginormica.

'Total annihilation in T minus one minute.'

It's been an honour knowing you, Doc.

The feeling is mutual, my friend.

I'll see you guys tomorrow for lunch.

-That's right, BOB.

-There will be candy and cake.

-And balloons.

-Cake and balloons for lunch?

It's going to be the best day ever! I love you guys.

CRASH

By Hawking's chair.

'Total annihilation in T minus 30 seconds.'

-Where's Monger?

-He's supposed to be here.

He said the only reason he wouldn't be here is if he was dead.

Or late.

Insectosaurus, you're alive!

HE LAUGHS

And you're a butterfly.

'Eight, seven, six,

'five, four, three...'

Come on, come on!

'..two, one.'

'Hmm. Nothing happened. Maybe my count...'

There they are!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ROARS

HE WHOOPS

HE LAUGHS

Yeah.

THEY SCREAM

Oh, great.

NOISY KISS

Oh, boy.

Susie Q!

-Daddy!

-Oh, Susan.

Ever since you were a baby, I knew that someday you would...

you know, save the Earth from an invasion from outer space.

Thank you. But it wasn't just me, Mom.

Excuse me. Hello. Coming through. How are you?

-Susan!

-Derek?

Baby, I thought long and hard about what happened between us.

And I want you to know

I forgive you.

-You forgive me?

-Of course.

It wasn't your fault you got hit by a meteor and ruined everything.

And you know what? I say maybe you didn't ruin everything.

I just got a call from New York.

They offered me network.

All I have to do is get an exclusive interview from you.

-Really?

-Yeah!

I get my dream job, and you get your dream guy.

-It's a win-win for Team Dietl.

-HE CHUCKLES

Derek...

that's amazing.

Er, is the camera rolling?

Absolutely.

Good. Because I wouldn't want your fans out there to miss this.

This is Susan Murphy saying, "Goodbye...Derek!"

Whoa!

BOB, could you, er...? DEREK YELLS

Derek, you are a selfish jerk, and guess what.

I've met someone else.

She's lime-green, she has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her

and she is everything I deserve in life.

I'm happy now, Derek, without you.

It's over.

Turn it off.

Monsters, I'm so proud of you I could cry...

if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war.

But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.

What is it, General?

Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor.

As we speak, Escargantua is slowly making its way to Paris.

Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris.

Now, who's with me?

What do you say Butterfly...asaurus.

ROARS

We're in.

-I'm in!

-Count me in, too.

CHEERING

Au revoir, sweetie.

-Have a safe flight.

-Yeah, and hang on.

Goodbye, Derek.

Good luck getting over me.

Er, BOB? It's me he's never going to get over.

Wait, wait, wait.

You were dating Derek, too?

That two-timing jerk!

# So, you think you can dance? #

Everyone,

let's welcome my new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

General WR Monger.

Thank you, Mr President.

What a great way, sir, to celebrate my 90th birthday.

Very good, Warren.

All right. # Let's get it started in here. #

Nerd.

Gentlemen, I have assembled a preliminary budget estimate

for the rebuilding of San Francisco.

Zoinkers. This is going to be a boring one.

Good time for a cup of Joe.

Warren, how do you take it?

Hit me with a double venti,

organic, chocolate brownie, caramel frappucino

extra hot with one inch of foam.

Non-fat.

You got it. Black it is.

CLAMOURING

My God, man. What have you done?

Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys.

Let's check on the situation in 500 years.

Who wants to freeze my head?