10/07/2011 Something for the Weekend

Hello. It is 10 o'clock. Welcome to the show. We are light and joined

by Tim Vine. The Only Way Is Essex with Denise

Van Outen. And we will be crossing live to Silverstone to find out

what is happening ahead of the British Grand Prix. And we are all

going to be doing some cooking and Good morning. Roads to look forward

to. This is what everyone is talking about today. It is the last

ever edition of the News of the World. Some say that newsagents are

selling out. Others are try to get people to boycott it. The

interesting thing will be how many are actually sold. That is it. That

is the last ever edition. How was your holidays? The just had a few

days away. It was not a full-blown holiday. Was it warm? It was lovely

and warm. Three days in the sun with my better half. How did you

keep up with the cricket? And the women's football World Cup?

I thought Jamie was mucking around. The women? I sat and watched it. It

went to penalties. When it went to extra time, I thought it was like

watching the men's team. We were going to penalties and we thought,

we are going to lose on penalties. But they were amazing. Skilful,

talented. Yes, they are brilliant. In the last 15 years, the standard

of football, women's football in this country has gone right up

there. I could not believe it. done to the England netball team.

They got the bronze in the world netball championships in Singapore.

Well done to them. We have had an e-mail, Simon. Colin

says, why did you wear a hairnet when you have no hair? Look at that.

The Helmut and the jacket. That is a look. The thing is, it is not

just about your hair, it is about skin as well. Whether you are

authority challenged or not, you have to wear it. Is that true?

food processing factory, the big danger is that hair could drop into

the food. But also so good skin. is not pleasant. We live in a

litigation culture. Who has died from hair? Apart from cats? You do

not want bits of skin or hair. Moving on, I do not want to know!

Do not forget, we have Denise Van Outen as a guest today. She has

been a singer, an actress, a DJ and now she is hosting a new TV show

where she uncovers Britain's future showbiz stars. She is slightly hung

over. She was out last night at Take That. It seems the whole world

went to take that last night. I missed it. I did not make it. I was

on my holidays. We have already had the jokes this

morning about my holidays. I am just ignoring you! I am just

carrying on. Are you good at Darts? Yes? Yes.

Do you want to play? I reckon I would be all right. If that was not

enough, our guests will be going to Silverstone to find out about the

latest developments ahead of the British Grand Prix. Lewis Hamilton

is not a happy bunny at the moment. He is blaming a McLaren for putting

the wrong tyres on his car. He is 10th. What do you think about that?

Louise? Yes! And if you have any questions, send it to the website.

We want puns for Tim Vine. We will put to him and see if they are good

enough for his routine. We will see if he can finish them off. This

comes from hallowed turf, I put my wallet in the freezer the other day,

I needed some cold, hard cash. They have to be better than that to

make it onto the show! Get them coming in. The sun is side, the sky

is blue. What are we making? -- the scan is out. We are starting with

goat's cheese and a red pepper mousse. And a pickled shallots and

parsley salad. And then the main course is pork and fennel casserole.

It is quite a dry casserole. We have pork and fennel, chorizo,

olives and lemon. Delicious, lovely flavours. Desert is a cherry

chocolate pavlova. AB Tibbles season for cherries. It is a bumper

harvest. And save responds with smoked salmon and cream cheese --

savouries gongs. Very nice. All the recipes can be found on the website.

Here is what else is happening on today's show. The Torchwood team

are coming out of hiding. It is John Lennon and Yoko or no, the

United States years. -- Yoko Ono. And take a walk on the wild side

All that to come. What delights have we got this week? We are going

Tiki drastic. Some classic Tiki drinks. As drunk by Elvis Presley?

We have some that were in Blue Hawaii. It is such a shame he did

not growing a little moustache this week. It would look like he had

retired to Palm Springs. What are we making? We are making the goat's

cheese and red pepper mousse. The salad is flat-leaf parsley and the

shallots. The pumpernickel bread. For the pickle, red wine vinegar

and sugar. We have some roasted peppers and some creamy goat's

cheese. A warm pan, into their, or the chap in the sugar and the

vinegar and boil backed up. What figure is that? You can use any

vinegar. It is red wine vinegar. You can use cider vinegar. Why have

used red wine vinegar? It is the colour more than anything. They

work well together. Red wine, red I would say it is more than -- more

of a fashion statement. It looks pretty. I just want you to cook the

shallots. Do you want this knife? have got one.

Pound coin size? Yes, you do not want them too thin. We will boil

this up and it will become thick and syrupy. Did you have a nice

fooled on your holidays. Bass? -- nice food. I was watching your

holiday on the internet. It is hard when you go to the beach and

everything, you know that people are taking pictures? You kind of

know after the first day when 25 people ring you and tell you.

you become really self-conscious? You look great! You look fantastic.

Yes, but you do get self-conscious. It is pretty hard to relax. You

cannot fall asleep and start dribbling! When you get off the

sunbed, everyone's hair is slightly matted, a little bit of sun cream

that you have not rub in properly. Jamie always looks good. He is

looking good! We have roasted the peppers. And

then you roast them into one of UN. Put them into a plastic bag and

what happens is that all of the moisture and the compensation

separates the skin from the flesh. You can peel off all of the skin

like that. It does not matter if you get the odd bit on there.

Depict Lineker is boiling up. Simply check in all the shallots. -

- the pickling vinegar. Let it go completely cold. Is there anything

on these? Nothing. It is just literally the taste and the

sweetness of the peppers. Yes, the skin, you could use it with the

skin on. But it is not particularly nice. What you do not burn yourself.

What am I doing with these? I might not be here next week. I have

bought and European lottery ticket. Would you not come to work any

more? Yes! Just have a week off. I will be on holidays with you and

Jamie! What would you do, first thing if you won the lottery this

week? What would be the first thing you would buy? We always have this

discussion. I would probably put a huge amount into good charitable

funds and try and find world peace! Or maybe by a car! Go to a showroom

and buy a car. I think I would go to a shop and just by 20 soups.

Something like that. I do not know. I do not think I am going to win

because I only have wanted it. Apparently a few other people have

bought one as well. That is a shame! Get rid of the seeds out of

the middle of that and Popat in here together with my tarragon and

garlic, which is in the fridge. -- pop that in here. What is this?

This is the best way to keep tarragon, in the fridge, wrapped up,

or it could be that we forgot to take it out! Pop the goat's cheese

into there. Creamy goat's cheese is what you want because this is

really going to be a bit like a smoked salmon pate. The tarragon

goes in. Plenty of black pepper into there. A little pinch of salt

because there is plenty of salt in the cheese already. And then we

blend that until it is smooth. This is our new processor. I have

mentioned it before. I had been doing tennis training, as you know,

and I have invented a new thing. I cannot be bothered to keep getting

the tennis balls. It is on a string and tied to your wrist. What do you

think? I am going to get it patented. What do you think? It is

great. It can be on the same gadget item as when I have my shaky

process are. If we have a shaking platform, you can press that. That

is it done. That is our delicious pate in there. With your best

skills, school into there. For the salad, we have boiled up the

vinegar and the sugar. We have some fresh flat-leaf parsley. It has

that lovely after flavour. If you have something that is quite strong

like the pickle Andy goat's cheese, this will neutralise it to a

certain extent. It stops you having that horrible breath. It is that

same kind of thing with having parsley after garlic. The

pumpernickel bread. I love it. delicious malty flavour. It makes

you feel as if you are eating healthy bread -- healthy bread.

component parts, there is the pate, there is the parsley, there is the

bread. David a bit of bread onto 80 is one of those cheeses you love

or hate and I love goat's cheese. do. It gets over reduced. You will

see it on every menu and I don't think it works with everything --

over it used. Then we have a lovely bit of red pepper. On to the

pumpernickel bread with a bit of... I have gone ahead. Get some pickled

shallot in their so there is a lovely bit of acidity as well and

the tarragon comes through. And the nuttiness of the bread. Lovely.

Absolutely delicious! If you set the pate then you get a different

flavour and texture as well. What Wilby beat -- will we be

making for main course. Pork and fennel casserole. All recipes can

Right! This is a world crisis that needs the torch would team but

Captain Jack is missing. -- I looked up and a woman came out of

the sky, shining like moonlight. Then she started to sing like 1000

choirs. A woman of 1000 voices and it was beautiful. You promised me

we would keep her away from this stuff. She is too young. Life back

then was a living nightmare, love. There is someone at the door. What

Hello. I hope I am not disturbing news. If we are going back to the

village, is it cricket to cutback across the beach or will we get cut

off? Better to ask, I thought. have got proper shoes and can get

across nice and quickly. It is You can watch series 4 at 9 o'clock

on Thursday. Our first guest has been busy since she was last on the

show. She found and married Mr Wright, became a mother and climbed

Kilimanjaro and match to beat two and found time to start end an

award-winning West End musical -- What's going on? We're cheering on

our friend. I've got another package for you. Oh, thanks. Bake

meat cake and Piet, and hold me Welcome, Denise Van Outen. Did you

do your backing. I did. Today I have a sore head because I went to

take that last night. How was it? Amazing. The highlight was the end

of the show when Robbie and the band came together. First it was

odd because the boys came out and did their song from the Circus

album and Robbie dipped his set. Robbie did his own songs? Yes. You

kind of thought, where are the boys? Are they having a cup of tea.

But when they came together and did the old songs, it was incredible.

It was almost like three concerts in one? Yeah, it was great. I

thought they would never be able to top Circus but it was great.

was your favourite? Gary. Mark! He always has been the best. Who is

your favourite? It is a tough one. We talked with them for about five

months around Europe. All five of them? Yes. Where they on their way

downhill? They were at their peak. It brings back memories. It is our

age. Aren't they bigger now than they were then? No, they were huge

back then. It is the same, isn't it? I love for Gary because I did

they Kilimanjaro climb with him and he is the nicest guy I think I have

ever met. How was that? It was hard. I trained quite well so I felt as

prepared as I could beat. It was amazing to do. At the time, you

hate it but looking back, it was a brilliant thing to be part of.

you can hear sizzling, we are cooking pork. It is me, I am

sweating! How his mother that? is good. Exe it is 14 months old so

she is at an age where she is aware of everything and so much fun. But

it is hard work. The first few months came as a bit of a shock.

The lack of sleep. I went back to work quite early. How many weeks

after you had how did you go back to work? I did the trek took Machu

Picchu when she was four months old and I started Legally Blonde when I

got back. She was nearly five months old. So, doing shows every

night pretty much and looking after her during the day was hard work.

For how out, she didn't miss out on me because I was home all day but

when most mums have a glass of wine or have a cup of tea, I was on the

stage. I think it is great if you are passionate about something, you

should be entitled to go back to work when it suits you. I feel

lucky I do such great work and be part of something like Legally

Blonde which is such a great show. It is fun. But it was hard. The

biggest shock for me, because I was at home all day with Betsy, was not

being able to do the things you take for granted like going

shopping, clothes or supermarket shopping. Which is why I teamed up

with a three mobile to encourage mums to use smart phones and use

most - might do most of their shopping online. To make a man's

life easier? If you are a working mum, it doesn't mean... It is just

to make your life easier. We you do more shows? I try and do a West End

show once in a while but to have a break because it is physically

demanding. It is a big commitment. Probably I will wait a while. I

would like to do some TV in between. You do do everything. I am going

back to the ozone. I did A massive on a Saturday. Yeah sit was

definitely a Saturday morning programme. I remember coming on it.

And Broadway and everything. I am lucky to have a variety. What are

your best that? I can't answer that. You saw my husband the other night

because he is in Legally Blonde now and you asked me to score him on

stage now. I imagine that every time you go out there, you put a

different performance on, don't you? It depends on the audience, I

think. Honestly, the performance changes because you gauge an

audience. It is different. People asked if I get bored doing theatre

but you don't because it is a different audience and a different

vibe. I love it. He is great in it. He gave himself a 9 1/2! Tell us

about your new TV show, Born to Shine. It sounds interesting.

starts next Sunday on ITV and it is kids with an exceptional talent or

skier Lock and they will train a celebrity in that skill all talent.

I am on the judging panel which I love doing. You have the freedom to

enjoy the show. I would love to be a judge. We are having guest judges.

I will do it but I have no skills. But you have an opinion. Would you

ever be and -- a contestant because I can see you on dancing on eyes?

think Dancing on Ice... The men are disadvantaged because the women

could just be lifted by the male dancers whereas the fellows have to

try and lift the lady. They could be on wires. You could never beat

Todd Carty on that show. I saw a clear last night. Jason Mansford

was learning opera. You probably know more than I do because I

haven't seen all of them yet. and classical music, street dancing,

Nick Moran and Joe Swash is on it. And you are judging? Yes, and it is

to help raise awareness and raise money for Save the Children.

wreak -- Denise will be staying around so if you want to ask a

question: Do you want some deja It is the first visit to Britain by

a reigning Pope. He is busy Schedule included a meeting with

the Queen. Wherever he has gone, huge crowds have turned out.

The uncertainty of the airline's future is that the Government's

philosophy has suffered an embarrassing not.

The Queen signed a royal proclamation today giving new

status to the �1 coin and there You are not got. Neither I you.

Corp. You don't even have a rope. The music was Come on Eileen. Do

you remember how everyone used to dance do that? Of course. People

used to wear dungarees. No one looked good in dungarees. Else did.

The news stories were Popes, Pounds Time for your photos. Make low.

Finally, we will get meat loaf to be a British dish rather than an

American one. Barbara has sent as Inside at night. She is not allowed

upstairs. Is she allowed on the sofa? No. The same as the children!

Then we have Georgie Wilkinson with a fine expression. They also made

the meat loaf. He thinks of himself as a bit of a Jamie Oliver. This is

sent in by Katie from Stockport. Good expressions on the male faces

today! Who is this one? I do not know. And I do not know what kind

of cat that is. It is care less. It would be like touching a chicken!

Chickens have the feathers! when they are plucked! If you want

to take photos of your food, send it to the website. We are going to

make a pork and fennel casserole. You can hear it sizzling away. We

have some pork shoulder, some water to give it some depth. We have some

chickpeas, olives and parsley. We What we have done, we have sealed

off the port in the pan. We will get some colour on -- and some

flavour on this. I want some chorizo, which will give us some

depth of flavour. You need to peel the paper better off and cut it.

How thick? About thick pound coins. A standard measurement. What have

you cook this week? Apple. I have not got a lot. I think pork,

basically, goes with anything green, doesn't it? It goes with fennel, it

goes with Apple. Yes. I am trying to think, grapes. Asparagus. Lamb

and grapes would not work. Pork is great. You eat the entire pig. You

can eat everything. Whether it is the trotters, the cheeks,

everything gets eaten. It is quite delicious. Nice big chunks. But we

eat every part of every animal. really. Cows? Doesn't everything

not consume without it being put into a process. We have the

delicious sweetness of the pork. The chorizo goes in. While that is

cooking, we slice the onion. I will slice the fennel. We are going to

cut it all. You could wash the board. Will we get ill if I do it

this way? Not at all. The chorizo is already cooked. We are looking

for some flavour to come into that. Whenever you do things like this,

just scrape around the bottom of the pan. You get all the delicious

bits. Slice that in half and then into thin bits, thick bits,

whatever you want to do. With castles, people make the component

parts a little bit too small. -- casseroles. I like having chunky

bits in the casserole. And now the smell of that is delicious. Cheery

soul enhances so many dishes. If you're not quite sure what to put

in something to make it tastes delicious, it is one of those

things. Are you a fan will fan? love the fennel. It works with meat,

it works with fish. It is nice to roast. It is nice in so many ways.

The onions going, the fennel goes in. And then, to cook through that,

we have a lot of sweetness and heady flavour in there. With the

lemon, zesty lemon, this just gives us that little bit of flavour in

there. The DC Bradley Wiggins got injured? -- Did you see. He is a

top man. He has broken his shoulder. I have not seen any of it this week.

Mark Cavendish is doing well. Do you like cycling? In it is the one

sport I would rather watch than do. I had a spell of trying to cycle to

work and I really did not like it. It is hard work. I like running and

swimming but cycling is no good. Yes, it is a shame because I

thought he had a really good chance. Squeeze, the lemon juice goes in

there. We want lots of flavour. I am going to leave the lemon in

there. You cook the vegetables and then chuck back in awe of the meat

that we have sealed, plus all the juices that we have been there as

well. That is nice. The smells coming out of here are just amazing.

All of that, the lemon cooks through. They are a lot of flavours

in there. Roads but it is a nice balance. It cuts through the

heaviness of the pork. In goes some stock, cover it and let it simmer

and in a couple of hours we have that. Lovely. And then, how nice is

that? You can do on the top order in the oven. And with the lemons,

all of the extra bits of reducing their that you could not get out

from squeezing have gone into the casserole. -- the juice in there.

It keeps it fresh. When you have things like a casserole, it can be

heavy. And then just chat in three- quarters of the chick peas, or of

the olives and give it a stir around. I am going to wield some of

the spinach. What I quite like to do was to serve it alongside the

casserole. It keeps its own individual flavour. It happens very

quickly. A little drizzle of oil. You could use butter. This is one

of the best combinations that you have done. That starter was amazing.

And this smells amazing. You cannot go wrong. I think we that as well.

-- If you're looking for something easy to cook that you can forget

about... Its take such a long time. How do I know that I am going to be

hungry? When you finish your paper round and you come back in, you

have a bit of a wander around and you have watched Jeremy Kyle and

I turn that around? The spinach comes down like that. You can add,

if you wanted, a little bit of cinnamon. I do not think we need it.

I love spinets. Just keep breaking it down. We are calling this a

casserole but it is quite dry. If you wanted to be more moist, just

add more stock to it. Really delicious. The lemon cuts through

wet. Wilted spinach and then simply spoon... This is good hangover

fooled, Denise. -- food. There we go. All of that on there. Go for it.

It smells amazing. You go first. looks really hot. Denise is cooking

pudding with Simon. What are we making later? Cherry chocolate

pavlova. Lovely. I love pavlova. smells rich. Can I interest you in

some chickpeas? I do fancy the little olive that has strayed over

there. All of the recipes will be Do not forget to e-mail questions

for Denise awesome puns for Tim Vine. I cannot believe they took

this long to make a jot -- programme about John Lennon. Some

great footage. This is Imagine. really get hurt by abuse. We do not

mind criticism. The British press actually called Yoko Ono idly in

the press. I have not seen that about anyone. Even if a person is

ugly, you do not say that. And she is not. And if she was, they would

not be so mean. They say attractive about the most awful looking people

just to be kind! When I landed in London, I was interested in the

Symposium. It was a very arty crowd of people. They accepted me. It was

But once I became connected with John, it was a different story. All

the people that used to like me were just kind of looking away.

John was a pop star. And then suddenly, he was with this crazy,

and outlandish artist and sending acorns to the world leaders. Hal is

that going to bring peace? And they were in bed, how is that

going to help anyone? All we are saying is give peace a chance. If

the least we can do is give someone a laugh, we are willing to be the

world's clowns. And you can imagine watching that great documentary

this evening on BBC One. It looks very in depth. I am fascinating

with the whole thing and how it happened. Our next guest is in the

Guinness Book of Records. But you are just as likely to see him with

Lee Mack in Not Going Out. wondered why my face was distorted!

It must BV v G force. It might be the inbreeding. I am entering a --

an essay writing competition. About what? It is called me and my big

head by John Merrick. If you must know, it is called my vision for a

better world. You barely notice things that are right in front of

you. Well come again to the programme, Tim Vine. I love that

show. I love Lee Mack and I love that show. He is currently writing

the 5th series in a shed somewhere. It is brilliant. There was a stage

where it was not going to be recommissioned. After the third

series, they decided they were not going to do any more and then they

thought, maybe we should. It did stop briefly. Do you help with the

writing at all? Not at all. I turn up and get told where to stand.

is your type of humour. Loads of jokes. In American sitcoms, they

have a joke after joke and we wait for ever in British ones. He went

for lots and lots of jokes. Americans are better at sitcoms

than as any way. We are a bit more real-life in Britain. We love

things where we can be in a similar situation. That is right. Let me

think about that, yes, that is right. Some of our sitcoms can be

quite morose. Yes, quite real. have been asking the viewers to

send in some puns. Maybe you can use them pool stop I sold our bed

and board a tambourine. -- trampoline. My wife hit the roof

when she found out. That is good. I got some herbs in mind I, I am now

The moon. Yeah, watch this space. I don't know. Alright, another one.

Australia. I said to this bloke, I've just been to Australia. He

said, who did you fly with? I said I don't know the names of the other

passengers. How did you get into doing that sort of comedy?

haven't got any friends? I gravitate towards short jokes

because the last come quicker. didn't you start doing, I was going

to say "normal". Observational stuff? Yeah. I started different --

with difference does. I was talking about how I was responsible for the

death of JF Kennedy. None of it was funny. Comedy is quite a scary

Korea, isn't it? I suppose but I think people who say that might not

have a knack. Do you test your stuff out? Yes, I try it out

everywhere. Family? No, you can never trust family and friends. On

an audience. They are used to it. But if you tell a make a joke, they

can say. No. But an audience might love it. It is more dangers the

other way round. -- dangerous. many jokes do need to fail... How

long is your set? I do an hour and a quarter when I tour. There are

songs as well. How many jokes you need? Probably about 200 or 300 for

an hour. You're set is basically joke after joke. It is but I sing

silly songs. It is a mixture. I can't sing here but that would be a

disaster. Can't you? I do lots of short songs. "oh, to my

girlfriend's mother." �10,000. They are one-liners it dressed up in

different ways. We have had a few comedians on here discussing about

stealing each other's jokes. With your sort of comedy, who knows who

invented the joke. There is one here that is apparently one of

yours. Black Beauty was a dark horse. That was 20 years old. Black

Beauty is a dark horse. And you did, three cheers for rap music, hip

hop! How do you keep track of your jokes? You just have to keep

writing. It is easy to knit or one- liners. There is a grey area

between the new -- you and Tommy Cooper. A lot of your jokes are

credited to him. Yes but I know which ones are which. There were 20

jokes on an e-mail and they were my jokes and it's said, "here are some

Tommy Cooper jokes". People said there was some stuff they hadn't

heard. But they are all my jokes. That is showbiz. Do constantly

think of things. See something, get a joke and write it down and think,

I will put that in or do you set time aside? It is more like that. I

am not crazily thinking about jokes all the time. If I have a tour

coming up, I have to write 10 decks a day. They every 109 right, I will

probably end up with three. Are you doing Edinburgh next year? This

year. You want the best joke last year, didn't you? It wasn't the

best joke in my show. I have been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday,

never again! I met the man who invented windowsills. What a ledge!

What about your brother. Is he funny? He wrote a joke for me. I

went up to the counter and I made a noise and she gave me some medicine.

Where you and your brother very different growing up? Did you

always followed completely different parts? We used to want to

be pop stars so we were in a band and we used to wear flares. In the

Eighties, when it was all drainpipes so it was dangerous. I

played guitar. It was a terrible sound because Gerry used to sing

and there would be a drummer and me on acoustic guitar. So there was no

base. We were just singing about flowers. One the US says he is

reading a book about anti-gravity? Can't put it down! Nigel says, I

It is always good to read them before they! One says, I didn't

believe might doubt stole from his job as a lollipop man but when I

got home the signs were there. good. Keep those coming in.

will hang around. If I am because there is a kitchen over there with

food. It your questions in. Go to our website. Here is what else is

If it feels a bit weird, it could be The Pranker. We are crossing

live to Silverstone for the Grand Prix. And there is a wartime drama

All that still to come but Denise is here to put some pudding. It has

been a while since you were on. Do you remember what you cooked last

time? Did I do sausage rolls. might have been. How is your

cooking? I am better now than I was then because I have an Aga cooker

and I love being a mum and preparing meals. Do you do all the

cooking? We share it. I am a better cook. What do you could forget see?

Different things. I normally freeze things so spaghetti bolognese...

Does it change the way you think about it? I used more fresh produce

so it is nice to get fresh veg from the garden. Have you grown anything

recently? I am crying -- trying to grow dill at at the moment. I

thought it would be like press and I would wake up the next morning.

But it didn't happen. Friends of... It friends of mine bake and they

are brilliant. What have we here? We will make chocolate Cherry

pavlova. I like chocolate ginger biscuits. They are incredible. They

go down really well. You can teach me after the show. Crunchy and

delicious. There we have cherries. It is a great season. They are

and they are flavour some as well. Cherry liqueur. Loads of whipped

cream, sugar, egg whites and cocoa and chocolate. Denise, get the wis

gone and get that going. I am quite nervous about the risk. It is 8

cloves wrecker. Why not just use the hand whisk? With meringue, it

will take you forever. The rule with it is, whisk the whites until

they asked if and add the sugar a little at a time. When it goes

glossy... The bit of vinegar helps set it and you get a better

meringue. What does it do? It works with the protein say you get a

better meringue. The vinegar and the vicinity just helps -- acidity.

You don't want Baby P meringue! ingredient in the kitchen, isn't it.

It is. It works with everything. All salt. Salt, number one and

vinegar and number two. A little dash of vinegar at the end, brings

out even more flavour. Stick it in your spaghetti bolognese. It is

great in that. I was being quite delicate with it. These are still a

bit soft. You want them to be firmer but it will be OK for our

purposes. A quick stir around and basically a big dollop of that in

the middle. Dab a bit in each corner and it will hold the

greaseproof paper. What do the people of Essex make of The Only

Way is Essex? Some people are outraged. Some people like me

absolutely love it. I love the show. Do you like it? Do you know what, I

don't really watch it. I am missing it actually. Louise absolutely

loves it. She watches it all the time. Do you know them all? I have

met Lydia, who is lovely. Amy, Sam and Harry but I haven't met Lenny.

I have met Lauren. There are a few I haven't met. It is good. You

watch it wants and then you are hooked. How much is scripted and

how much it is observational? can't tell you that. It is the

magic circle! It is not scripted. There people will speak to the

producers and some of the... what, at the script writers tell

the cast? No, there is no script. It is orchestrated but if a couple

of the girls are not getting on... But are some of the people of

Essex...? They are outraged. It is put the meringue in, drop it down

to 150. Then the outside will be crispy and the outside will be soft.

What do you do if you have an Aga cooker? Roasts and baked potatoes.

I struggle with this because if it says drop the temperature, you

can't. It is like turning a battleship around. What can you do?

We could still cut everything but you would have to set the

temperature at a lower temperature. Are they good? You can put your

socks on them. Does it heat your house? Yes, and great when you have

washed your clothes, you can drive them on their. Bath towels. They

are meant to before cooking. airing cupboard! Denys, we have

cherry liqueur and vanilla. Wit that through say you get the lovely

smell. Then, with this, as I dribble that in... Are that he's

just cherry jam. You just want it to be like that. We end up with...

And this is what happens with our one bit. I have literally pushed it

down. You do not have to do that but it makes it a little bit

simpler. All of that goes like that. And then, this beautifully swirled

cream. Have you got a sweet tooth? I think I'd prefer savoury.

will have to leave -- lay off the sweet things when you do would

dancing on nice! It would be brilliant. Let's start a campaign!

And then the cherries on top and then more of that lovely jam.

Amazing. I had a good Pavlova yesterday but this is better.

can either be polite and serve or You just make a mess. What more

could you want? That is really good. Coming up, as well as the British

Grand Prix, Simon's final dish is a savoury Schon. And there is

cocktails. How can you make your brain hurt on a Sunday morning? It

It is the first visit to Britain by a reigning Pope. It was nearly

cancelled because of the fighting. The busy schedule included a visit

with the Queen. He would crowds have turned out to welcome him.

What is certain is the deep -- that the government's economic

philosophy has suffered an embarrassing knock. The Queen

signed the royal proclamation today, giving official status to the new

pound coin. They were on display at the Royal Mint in Llantrisant today.

No rest, no sleep like other men. And yet the spring wind blows. Have

you ever felt such a wind? It blows where I live or so. In the mouth of

Everyman's heart. That was Deja View. Lots of clues. We will reveal

what year that was before the end of the shelf. But now, we are in

the mood for cocktails. Yes, we are doing Tiki drinks today. Benn has

been looking for the ultimate zombi recipe. That is the classic drink.

We will have my preferred recipe for a zombie. I thought I could

look quite call, but it is not really Magnum. I think it works

with the hair! The moustache would Zombie. We have the golden rum

be a good thing. We have some passion fruit syrup. We want about

10 mill -- 10 millilitres. I have put in the Golden rum and the

classic white rum. And then we have velvet falernum. Then we have the

fruit juices. Pineapple. There is a lot of alcohol. That is what I was

thinking. I love this, it is papaya nectar. With the pineapple, it is

absolutely beautiful. We will give it a little shake just to combine

it. Chill it down and we have a lovely zombi. This is a classic.

Tiki culture kicked off in the 1940s and 1950s. Right up until the

1960s. The first Tiki bars opened up and then places like Butlin's

started opening them up as well. imagine it will taste sweet. It has

the acidity of the lime. A little bit more ice. And then we have some

more rum. That his headache material. Is it about �150? There

we have the classic zombi. It is delicious. You go first as the

guest. I think you should go first. What is this one? It is good. You

feel like you while on holiday. This is a classic my tie. It

appeared in Elvis Presley's Blue Hawaii. It is bikini time! Gore on,

girls! Get the ratings up. I think you have a different image to me

than I have of myself! That is good. We have a Jamaican aged rum. Some

vinyl syrup. -- vanilla. It is a new work rum that he was sampling.

It is the classic. Elvis drank it in Blue Hawaii. You kind of know

what you are getting with this on holiday. Yes, a headache! Yes, I

think it is the winner. It is the coconut shell, it is brilliant. You

can get these online. There is lots of it available now. The

paraphernalia. Some sprigs of fresh mint. That has made my stomach or

warm. And a pineapple. Did Elvis drink it out of a coconut? I do not

been heeded. You can go first this good! Actually this is sweeter.

am not sure. I think it is the Mint. You can taste the Mint. I think I

prefer this. A If you want to make either of those drinks, then go to

If you're an estate agent trying to Rent out a house, this is probably

not the kind of guy that you want to show what for reviewing. This is

The Pranker. There are many spirits in this world. There is a beautiful

lady called Rosemary. She thinks we should take the place. Could you

give me one minute on my own just to get a feel for the energy?

Thank you. I need to go and get some pictures. I will quickly set

What are you doing? You have got to come quick. Seriously, you had

better come here now. Darren, I am going to ring the police, mate.

Watch what you're doing. You have You have got to get up. You have

got to leave. I do not want to be negative, but I do not think this

is the right house. Mate, we have got a goal. You cannot... I need

somewhere with a bigger downstairs toilet. You can watch The Pranker

on Thursday at 10:30pm on BBC Three. It is the biggest weekend of the

Formula 1 calendar. Joining this life from the paddock, we hope, the

BBC team, Jake Humphrey. Welcome. How is it looking out there? It is

looking sunny, that is a relief. was sunny but now it is cloudy.

That is less of a relief. Good stuff. I have asked people to e-

mail in questions and most of them are about Eddie Jordan's shirts.

Not again! I am not saying. designs them himself. They are made

by my mother. Sebastian Vettel is way ahead this season. Is it still

a great season? Yes, it has been a great season so far. What we are

realising is that in the past, when one driver is dominating, it is not

brilliant but this year, we have had one man dominating but

brilliant racing. David Coulthard gets thrown into the commentary box

this year and he has so much to commentate on. We have had

brilliant racing but the same guy crossing over the line at the end.

That could change today. Sebastian Vettel did not have what he usually

has in qualifying which is a pole position finish. Mark Webber is on

pole position for this race and he is looking good today. What

happened in qualifying yesterday? It all got quite controversial with

the tyres and Lewis Hamilton. I think this is good for David.

do not think it was controversial at all. It was simply difficult

conditions and he did not make the right decision. When you have

changeable conditions, needed a bit of rain and they have not use the

correct tyres, limited knowledge, when it came down to making the

crucial decision, it did not work out for them. It is as simple as

that. But Lewis Hamilton is starting from 10th and we can

expect him to do some overtaking. Talking about the controversial

side of things, yes, there was controversial issues, particularly

about this fuse blowing. But not many people are interested warned

there were about it but I think it is scandalous to think that on a

race weekend, we had -- we can have people changing the rules. That is

unacceptable in my view. From a controversy point of view, I agree

with you. Isn't that controversial, away from that, that Lewis Hamilton

is criticising his team? It sounds as if he does not want to be there

The body language and the way it is playing out, there seems to be huge

frustration. Yes, it would appear that. I spoke on something we were

doing for BBC News last night and he said the team's will not change

for next year. 13, however, he would not rule that out. If he is

on his way to Red Bull in 2013... David, you have won the British

Grand Prix. Where does it rate among stall of the men the world at

the moment? It historically has been on the calendar since the

beginning of the Formula One world championship so it has great

historical value, Silverstone. It is a fantastic facility and has

been upgraded this year. The drivers love it because there are

so many high-speed corners. You only break for 10% of the lap. So

for 90% you are in partial or full throttle and that wears -- is when

you come alive. It gets your attention so there is no question

it is a fantastic facility and greatly enjoyed by all. It sounds

like you want to get back in the car. It is a new paddock, isn't it?

Can you let as the around? Yes, you can see the top of the roof up

there. This is a huge. About �30 million and 390 metres long. It is

attracting some seriously high- level guests. These shops are just

coming into worse now. There is Prince Harry who is that guest of

honour today. Our job is just to celebrate this new look. You go to

Abu Dhabi or Singapore and those places are amazing. People say

Silverstone has the history but does it have the infrastructure?

But now it does. I look forward to watching it. One final question,

who will win? Everyone is quiet. I would like to see it Mark where

Berwyn. My guess is that along so will win. -- Mark Webber. The last

time we saw the top three last come along so was winning. I think

Fernando along they could win this one. Lovely to talk to you --

I will be watching. This is a one- off drama starting in post-war

Britain and is an adaptation of a novel from the same name. This is

Hello, stranger. You remembered Julia. Of course. Hello. Shall we?

Your hair is different. I like it. I'm relocate bomb victims and you?

Helping to so they bombed buildings. I suppose you are still doing your

ambulance bit every night? It gets lonely, doesn't it? How is the

writing? It seems irrelevant. They're terrible things going on in

Europe. People still need entertaining, don't they? Which way

do you...? We must meet for lunch sometimes. I would like that.

to see you again. Why will you never talk about what went wrong

between you? You always change the subject. It was a Miss affection.

What we felt for each other wasn't You can go backwards in time on

Tuesday on BBC2. Tim Vine is in the kitchen with us. This is great.

do this for everyone. Welcome to the kitchen. Can you cook? No, I am

rubbish. I tend to eat out a lot. I are smoked salmon trimmings which

are dead too cheap. And you buy them as Jennings? Yes. It is much

cheaper. -- trimmings. Egg, sugar, baking powder, dill. If you make a

savoury scone Gummer without sugar, it taste like pastry. The bit of

anything though. My mate said that he went to see the Harry Potter

premiere this week. They were cheap souvenirs. In fact they were...

Cash and Harry? They were a quid each! Very good. I would like one

really good joke that I could... What? I don't know. Just one really

good one. Try, one armed but lows. They can dish it out but they can't

take it. There is an awful lot about your delivery. It is the

mischief in your eyes. There is a Quiros in the way you deliver that

you sort of no. It is the ultimate bad joke. -- dad joke. That has

broken now. Does the one? Yes, it will bind it together. I said I was

good at staring but just not good at holding bulls. I like this one.

This has a soft spot in my heart, this joke. I saw Miss did tea at

the petrol station the other day -- Mr T. Pity the fuel! I said, have

you got your palms on and he said no I am wearing flip-flops. All we

do is press it together. This is where the dough comes in. Press it

together. Then simply poppet onto the board. Then we will cut them

out. You always use the weight of the ingredient. You always know

when someone is not an accomplished chef because Simon hangs around

this area. Is it OK to drop it from a reasonable height? He how was the

experience on title wipe out? fell off everything. I thought if I

went for a run twice the month before... Book I would be so

nervous. I was so exhausted. I got as far as the second ball. Most

people do. I couldn't even hold on to the rope. How about the other

runner think? There is one way you stand and the thing goes around and

you have to jump. This thing comes towards you and you jump and land

back on your poll. Did you win? I didn't. I was last after the

first round and that included someone who nearly drowned. I was

still after them. You have to be very... I don't even know the word.

Simon? I got asked to do it and I bottled it. I was thinking to

myself, I need to go towards the theatre. I thought I would do it

for a laugh. It would be my worst nightmare. I wouldn't even... I

would be useless. I don't know what would be more fearful, doing it in

Argentina or meeting Amanda! There are the scones. Great some Parmesan

cheese on top of those. Which side? That side. Not a huge amount. They

go into the oven for up to 10 minutes. For the filling, cream

cheese, smoked salmon and a nice bit of lemon juice. We have black

pepper in the scones. We give that a stir. It is a nice... It is a

nice twist on a scone, isn't it? How do I say it's? "scone"? I am

"15 sq on"! You can say both but the more common use is to rhyme

with John at rather than Joan. Either way it works. This is what

we get. Look at that! Think of it in the same way you would have

bagels with smoked salmon and cream cheese. It is like a savoury cream

t. A like your sandwich and scone mix into one. You can toast these

as well and spread some butter Ron. Then, it simply a big dollop of

that in the middle -- butter on. What are those things? Capers. Then

we pop their lead on. Perfect! As Simon serves up scones, or however

you want to say it, over to Denise. We are already eating. The year...

So, the year when the pound coin was first circulated, Dexy's

Midnight Runners' "Eileen" and Conan the Barbarian were all from

the year? 1982. Louise has got the chocolate and cherry pavlova.

Denise has got the pet and goat's cheese mousse. Tim, you have the

pork casserole. Tim has the savoury Denise, Amy says it Jason is the

nasty judge what sort of judge when you make? I was a judge on the

Andrew Lloyd Webber show. I will be honest and kind as well. They are

kind to the kids but a bit mean to the celebrities. Is it hard when

you are judging people, because you know they put a lot of work into it.

You have to take that into account. Let us not forget it is for charity

so I will not be too mean. Did you enjoy the Andrew Lloyd what --

Andrew Lloyd Webber stuff? Yes but you have to be honest so they can

better themselves. You should not be fluffy if there is work to be

done and they can improve their performance. Tim,... When I was

working in their kicking, Andrew Lloyd Webber walked in and said

give me to it whoppers. I said, you have just directed to super

Sometimes it is flattering. It is nice that people like my jokes.

What did you think when the e-mail came round saying that your jokes

were from Tommy Cooper? At the time I was doing a lot of circuit gigs

so I would be halfway through a joke and some but the would say

that was a Tommy Cooper joke. But it was one of mine. Doesn't matter,

ladies and gentlemen, just enjoy your lunch. Denny's, would you and

Lee ever do something together? would if it was the right casting.

We wouldn't rule it out. We would try to keep work separate, though.