Teatime Treats The Hairy Bikers' Cookbook

'Dave, are we ready for another two wheeled adventure, mate?

'I'm ready. I'm ready for a cuppa!

'Well, we're heading for the right place, then...

'the Henley Royal Regatta. Let's bake up a proper tea.

'Going posh then, are we?

'I need to dust off me blazer and me boater.'

On this trip, we'll get out the best china

and put on a fancy tea for the guys from the Tees Rowing Club.

'That's my neck of the woods, that! On the menu -

'super chocolatey cookies baked right there on the river's edge.'

It's a teatime treat to end all treats.

It's a teatime treat for toffs.

We'll get classy with a classic - the scone.

Butter on one's scone.

And jam up our cakes, filling the air with the waft of bikers baking.

# Oh, the factories may be roaring

# With a boom-a-lacka zoom-a-lacka, whee!

# But there isn't any roar when the clock strikes four

# Everything stops for tea... #

-Nice!

-Isn't it?

Four o'clock. It's time for tea.

'Now, if a couple of northern lads are going to really impress

'the Henley crowd, we need to do it right.

'I mean, afternoon tea - it isn't a meal, it's a ritual.'

This swanky hotel at Marlow-on-Thames

puts on a good spread.

'But you know what, Si, although we British love

'a naughty nibble in the afternoon, it wasn't always like that.'

Afternoon tea is an art form.

The tradition of afternoon tea is said to have been started

by the Duchess Anne Marie.

Dinner got later and later.

Sometimes they didn't eat until ten o'clock

so the ladies needed something sweet,

and with tea coming in as a fashion,

afternoon tea was born so they could sustain themselves until dinner.

Oh, I see. It wouldn't have anything to do

with the tightness of the corsets, by any chance?

The menu would have been dainty cakes, sandwiches and biscuits.

At least the ladies wouldn't have smudged their make-up.

Or your beard, come to that.

It became quite a tradition.

Cock your pinkie!

'That was a corker of a tea.

'You know, one thing we should bake for Henley, the Bakewell tart.

'All gooey, jammy and almondy. Lovely!'

MUSIC: "Sugar, Sugar" by The Archies

# Oh, honey, honey... #

'So, on up to Bakewell in the Peak District

'in search of one of my favourites -

'the Bakewell tart.

'Or pudding.'

What's going on in this town?

Well, dude, is it a pudding or is it a tart? It's now a tart.

I don't know, you know.

And there's all this business of secret ingredients.

Right, but nobody knows what's in it. It's weird, this place!

Aye. You know, it's not a confection, it's an enigma.

The Original Bakewell Pudding Shop

has been selling the town's favourite treat since 1865.

Jean, the baker, knocks up oven-loads of puddings every day,

using a recipe so secret, MI5 couldn't crack it.

Look at that! It's like a big Yorkshire pudding with gravy.

Don't be flippant. This is the Original Bakewell Pudding Shop.

Look, the secret recipe!

Can't be that secret, they've got it written on the wall!

Ah, but look, "and finally a pinch of..."

The secret ingredient. I reckon it's nutmeg.

Let's have a rummage.

It's very different to the iced flan with a cherry on top.

Let's make our own.

-Yeah, Hairy Bakers 2008, bring it on!

-A bit of a version.

I love this. I love the alchemy of this, it's brilliant.

It's great, isn't it? I think we can do better.

Cos it's just like a piece of puff pastry with gloop on the top.

I think we need a nice, crumbly crust.

You know, like one for clotted cream and ice cream.

You want it on the plate, all lovely,

looking fantastic, ready to nibble on.

'So, for our crumbly crust, I've added almonds to the flour and sugar

'for a base that's as tasty as a biscuit.'

'Then a pinch of salt, in with the butter.

'And turn it on.'

There you go.

Lots of crumbs - it's like the bottom of a budgie cage!

That's what you want. That's what you're looking for.

Into that, crack an egg.

And for extra richness, two yolks. Now zap it!

Aah, look at it!

This is short pastry. Lots of butter means it's a bit crumbly,

-but chilling makes it easier to roll out.

-That's nice and firm.

We've got pastry, we've got jam, now all we need is a rolling pin.

Flour...

For this, I've got a 45mm rolling pin.

-This is very delicate.

-Go on, mate! Go on, you can do it!

Keep that board well-floured. Keep your pin well-floured. Everything well-floured!

I hope it's going to work, it's like trying to juggle feathers!

And it's worth the effort, because it is about confidence.

Cos it is so short, this pastry.

Short? It's shorter than Ronnie Corbett in sandals!

Let it all out.

Press it, feel it, make it your own.

All we have to do now

is to blind bake this for 15 minutes.

-Blind baking.

-Porcelain beads, parchment paper, bob's your uncle.

The weight keeps the pastry down.

It bakes it so you don't get a soggy bottom.

-Thanks for the loan of your oven, Jean.

-You're welcome.

-This looks smashing.

-Aye!

Great, mate. We've got 15 minutes. Let's get on with the filling.

To start, a bucket full of almonds - about half a kilogram.

And to go with our cornucopia of loveliness on the almond front,

we need golden caster sugar.

Now, for EGGS-tra flavour, eight eggs!

Eight eggs. Not one, not two, but eight.

This is what you'd call a rich pudding.

Cholesterol? Yeah, right! And if there wasn't enough almond flavouring in there,

about half a teaspoon of almond extract.

It's quite strong, this.

-Here, I can smell burning.

-Can you?

-Aye.

-Ooh, 'ell!

Right. That was the quickest 15 minutes ever, that! Perfect.

One sensitively blind baked almond base.

I'll just trim off this crusty edge.

Look at this, now! Good quality raspberry jam.

Spread it all over the bottom.

Don't be tight with your jam.

You need a good layer of jam.

Look, I tell you what, use a full jar.

I'm a jam fan.

Leave some room for the topping!

Pour the filling onto that layer of jam.

-Wasn't it nice when you were a kid, licking out the baking bowl?

-That's why I'm this shape!

The baking barrel!

Now, top that with flaked almonds.

These are going to toast to a golden, golden brown.

Texture's like sun. Look at that, it's like a chiropodist's floor!

-You know, that heck of a pudding, and you just blew it, you know!

-No, I haven't, you just reminded me.

Right, time for the oven.

Si, what are you going to have with yours?

-Ice cream.

-I'm going to have clotted cream.

I know, let's have a bit of both. Oh, yes!

'Now, I wonder if we can impress the experts.

'Time for Jean and local chef Scott

'to taste the Hairy Bakers' Bakewell.'

Jean, what do you think our secret ingredient is?

-Why, have you got one?

-Not really.

It's not as good as ours.

-What's yours?

-Ah, I can't tell you.

-Go on.

-He'd kill me.

-Oh, go on! Go on!

-If this doesn't.

THEY LAUGH

What are you trying to say, Mrs?!

'She's a one, that Jean. Well, we didn't kill her.

'She is still conjuring up Bakewell magic with that secret ingredient.

'Whilst in town, Dave and I couldn't resist

'following up on another Bakewell treat.

'Down a back alley, just a perfect fit for a motorbike,

'we found the M&C Motorcycle Museum.'

-What a treat!

-Fantastic! I'm so excited.

-BEEPS THE HORN

-That's just how I feel!

-Look at that Vincent.

-Oh, man!

Do you know, from about the 1950s to the 1970s,

that was the fastest motorcycle built. It could do 150mph.

The thing is, it was reliable. They built a gentleman's motorcycle.

You could do land speed records on it, or go to work on it.

Look at that, man.

I'd sell me grandmother. I'd sell her teeth. I'd sell me mother.

Absolutely superb.

Dave, look at this AJS. 1924. Look at it, it's an absolute work of art.

Everything is considered. Everything does its job.

It is beautiful.

It's simple, isn't it? The old ethos...

if there was air, there was petrol and there was a spark,

-the petrol went bang and the wheels go round!

-Perfect, absolutely wonderful.

-Dave, that's an AA box!

-It is!

I've always wanted to go in an AA box.

Oh, brilliant!

Kingy, what does this button do?

-METALLIC THRUMMING

-Oh, 'eck!

Blimey, we've found ourselves transported into biking paradise.

Aah, Valhalla!

The Tardis had deposited us just over the valley

from Bakewell to Chatsworth House.

Not far by intergalactic standards, but still a step back in time.

Ah, man, I'm in love with this!

# Well, well, well, look who's here

# I haven't seen you in many a year

# If I'd knew you were coming I'd have baked a cake

# Baked a cake, baked a cake

# If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a cake

# How d'you do, how d'you do how d'you do... #

'Oh, I'm in love with time travel!

'Si and I are on two Brough Superiors,

'the best pre-war British bike a man could throw his leg over.

'Thanks to Phil Crosby at the museum for letting us ride them.

'Kingy's bike hadn't had an airing like this for 50 years.'

# But it really doesn't matter grab a chair and fill your platter

# And dig, dig, dig right in... #

'Old bikes and the perfect English house, Chatsworth.

'You know, I was in the mood for a classic - the scone.

'Tea wouldn't be tea without one.'

Oh, how super it is

to arrive at a place like this on a Brough Superior!

-Yes!

-You feel superior.

-Yes!

-And to be at a great country house like Chatsworth.

-Oh, yes.

And to cook that great English classic, the SCOH-N.

It's SCONES! We're making scones!

They're rock'n'roll scones, these. They're great.

What you've got is maple syrup and you've got walnuts,

and a cup of sugar borrowed from the big house.

Let's get cracking. First off, I'll put that sugar in a bowl.

They don't normally let you do this, you know, cook and that.

No! Don't get any ideas about having barbecues here. You'd get shot.

Feudalism isn't dead round here!

'To the sugar, we're adding flour, baking powder, wholemeal flour -

'very hearty - some porridge oats and a sprinkling of salt.'

The last ingredient in the dry goods, walnuts.

The thing is, on the walnut front

is they're a bit whole, so I'm going to go off and bash me nuts.

Kingy, get over to that rock and bash your nuts!

It's good for a Geordie, that. It's great.

I'm off. I won't be long!

Now, into this, I need to rub in the butter.

-How's your nuts, Si?

-Oh, not bad. I'm giving them a good going over.

This is a nice bit about baking, rubbing in the butter.

You rub it between your fingers like that,

and you just feel the butter going into the flour and forming crumbs.

Look at that!

Smashing, them.

-There you go, mate. Shall I pour them straight in?

-Aye!

-Look at that.

-I tell you what we need now, dude.

-Liquid.

Maple syrup.

Buttermilk.

-Brill.

-There you are, mate.

I could get quite used to this 'tache thing, you know.

It suits you, you look very fine.

-It's a bit of a worry.

-Do you know what I've often felt, mate?

We are, like, rough and ready,

but we've got some quite sophisticated tastes,

-and I feel somehow we were born for this.

-Lovely, that.

There it is, look at that.

A lovely, soft dough. Over to you, master.

What I'm going to do, I'm just going to roll it out.

Try and make it as even as you can.

Roll it up into a bit of a sausage,

to the right bore that you want your scones...

-So it looks like a howitzer shell.

-Look at that!

And then, cut the dough into scones.

Lovely!

'Shape the dough into chunky rounds.

'And now, the finishing touches.'

A nice eggy wash and a little sprinkling of sugar

gives you that caramelised topping and the teashop chic look.

Now, they need to go into a hot oven,

about 200 degrees Centigrade, for 10 to 15 minutes. However...

-We don't have one.

-So we're cooking them on our charcoal oven.

We're going to busk it a little bit, really.

I have to say, that was one of the most wonderful experiences,

a 1929 Brough Superior.

That was one of the biggest moments of my life.

Kicking that over, and ker-bumpf!

-The sound.

-Dum-dum-dum-dum!

It's like you after a curry.

Butter on one's scone.

Don't be shy, don't be frugal.

Lovely, thanks, mate.

These are just so good. They're still warm.

The maple syrup is heaven.

'Our teatime treats for Henley

'were stacking up to be top notch classics with a biker twist.

'Next up, the Victoria sandwich.'

'So, onwards to Abingdon near Oxford.

'We've decided to seek out the golden rules of baking

'from the WI, the Women's Institute.

'Here, baking is practised to benchmark perfection.'

If you've not made it this way before,

we're going to weigh the eggs in their shells.

Dude, she's weighing her eggs. That's a worry.

So whatever ingredients, that's your fat, your flour, your sugar,

they all weigh exactly the same.

Hey, she's only got four. We've got seven in ours.

I know, but ours will be rich and it works.

'Within these corridors of culinary power,

'one learns that the WI's Victoria sandwich

'is always made with raspberry jam

'and dusted off with caster sugar, never icing sugar.'

'Tough bunch of ladies, these, for a couple of freeform bakers like us.'

'Right, tips learned, pinnies on,

'time for a right hairy Victoria sandwich with a few naughty extras.

'Well, nothing I thought we'd get a black mark for.'

Not that tight!

Being given the opportunity to wear this pinny is like being accepted.

By who?

Well, them.

-What, the WI?

-Aye!

Here we go. Step one. The sugar and the butter...unsalted. Yes.

Fat means flavour.

Start off nice and gently. What we're looking for -

it needs to go a pale colour, virtually white.

-Look at that, it's gone white...

-It's like a polar bear's bum!

'Now, we're using seven eggs... naughty but nice.'

A bit more flavour. I've got some vanilla extract.

-Have you?

-Yeah. Squeeze this in, nobody will know.

Go!

'Fold in the self-raising flour to add some air.'

You see, the thing about making a cake like this,

you love it, don't you? You take it and you possess it. Lovely!

Forget meditation, forget yoga!

Bake a cake!

'Then, splodge equally into the baking tins.'

It's good, that cockerel.

Never let me down yet.

Right. We need to make our buttercream cinnamon icing.

Don't say it too loud! Shhhh!

We need jam as well.

Cinnamon. Cinnamon!

Buttercream icing.

Icing sugar, half a pack of butter, bit of warm water.

'Mix it all up till it's a lush paste, like a posh face cream.'

What we're doing, which is dead cheeky,

we're putting some cinnamon in.

It's like passion cake with that cinnamon buttercream icing.

It's not strictly right, but it's dead tasty.

-Right, lads, how are you getting on?

-Oh, hello, Kath!

Smashing. The cakes are in and it's gone perfectly fine.

And you're timing them?

Yep, we're ready, we're ready.

We'll be jamming up later when the sponges come out.

-Getting trendy - she said we'll be jamming up.

-Jamming up. Bob Marley...we're jamming...

They're perfect, absolutely perfect.

Look at them!

And just as the dust settles over your cooled cake,

the heat goes on. Time to whip out a doily and sandwich your sandwiches,

and just hope that your cake makes the grade for judge Jill.

Dave, the thing is, all the other ladies' cakes

are like pillows - big and fluffy and gorgeous.

I know, and ours is like a carpet tile. Now, on with the butter icing.

Go on, dude, layer it up.

'Mmm, might get marked down for that butter icing.'

-Ours has got cream in it, you know.

-You're not supposed to tell the judge what's in it.

Kingy, the only judge you've ever spoken to has been behind a bench!

'Don't worry. I've got this judge wrapped round my little finger.'

'So, what's the verdict on our hairy Victoria sandwich

'with cinnamon buttercream?'

-You've given me a problem, you two.

-What do you mean?

-Well, this cake is not according to schedule.

-It was on time!

It was, aye! What do you mean, schedule?

It is not a Victoria sandwich.

I beg your pardon, madam?!

'Judges? Pfft! I say, let the taste buds decide.'

As a cake, it's lovely, with that lovely cinnamon flavour.

As a Victoria sandwich, it's not quite there.

Because it's got the added extras.

Perhaps, you know, if you renamed it or something.

Biker sandwich!

I love you! I quite like that!

You haven't finished yours. What's the matter with it?

Disqualified for a layer of buttercream.

Outrageous!

'Our teatime journey has given us such a sugar rush,

'I think Si and I could pedal our bikes to Henley!'

'And so to our final port of call.'

'The Henley Royal Regatta

'has been part of the summer season since 1839.

'The team that we're here to cheer on are wearing the red tops -

'the Tees Rowing Club, from Si's neck of the woods.

'They'll need some feeding up!'

They're doing all right, the Geordies.

They're not Geordies, man! They're Teesiders.

They think the chip shop's shutting, they're putting a spurt on!

-Go on, go on!

-Chips, chips, chips, chips!

I tell you what, the post office must be open for their grants.

THEY LAUGH

Go on, boys! Come on, the Tees!

Come on, lads, we've got better pies up north! Come on!

Apparently, the Teesiders have reduced a stroke...

To half a length! I've got no idea.

I've got no idea at all what's going on.

-We've just got to dress up like a berk and bake cakes.

-Exactly.

This rowing lark's a whole new world for Dave and me.

It's said the Henley course is a straight mile

and takes seven minutes to cover.

Now, with eight mates and a handful of oars, that's hungry work.

Raaaahhh! Raaaahhh!

That's me upper class roar.

Whilst the racing continues, we'd better crack on

with the finishing touches to our afternoon tea for the rowers.

It's turning out to be a belter.

The almondy Bakewell tart,

walnut and maple syrup scones and our Victoria sandwich.

'But will it be enough to impress the Henley crowd?

'Maybe one last nibble will tip the balance.'

Woo-hoo!

I tell you what, our teatime table treats, it's building up bazonkas.

-It's brilliant.

-Look, I've chopped this chocolate nice and chunky.

-Nice white chocolate, lovely dark chocolate. Big flavours.

-Ooh, that's proper chocolate.

You need posh chocolate for our cookies because they're laced with

sour cherries, cherry brandy, white chocolate, dark chocolate.

If Rich Tea biscuits are at one end of the scale in frugality,

these super-chewy sour cherry cookies are at the other.

These are an opulent cookie, the king of cookies, the big one.

The basis to any good cookie or cake is our sugars and our fat.

Yes, it's creaming your fat with your sugar.

So, I've got some dark brown muscovado sugar

to go into the golden caster.

Between you and I, the secret to super-chewy cookies is oil,

you know the sort that are cooked but they're still a bit soft?

Put a couple of spoonfuls of sunflower oil, nice and pure,

into the mixture. Cream away, Horatio!

And it should cream slightly easier with the oil in it.

We're adding two tablespoons of vanilla paste to an egg,

then stirring that into our sugars and butter.

It's a teatime treat to end all treats.

It's a teatime treat for toffs.

Lush! So, dry ingredients - some flour, baking powder for lift-off,

a tad of salt and mix it all up.

Then you get the basis of your cookie dough.

These are dried sour cherries. They're not dry now, because we've soaked them in a bit of water

just to rehydrate them.

Drain these. I hope it doesn't splash on my flannels!

-To cheer up the sour cherries, a splash of good French cherry brandy.

-Look at that.

Go on, don't be shy!

Now, whip those into your dough.

Next ingredient is a handful of slivered almonds.

Now, some chopped hazelnuts.

-And down to me chocolate chopping board - chocolate chunks!

-Fit for a king.

Like a dead man's teeth.

This has to be the most lustrous, luscious dough.

Extravagant, isn't it?

Roll it out about a centimetre thick.

Keep them quite thick, because when they bake, they'll spread.

If you want big cookies, use a big pastry cutter

and they'll come out bigger - they'll come out like soup plates.

But we're at Henley, so we want quite dainty ones.

We'll use a glass, because there's one to hand always,

and just pop them out with this.

Right, now.

On a non-stick baking tray, you can put them said cookies on here.

So all we do now is stamp, lift!

Two trays of perfectly formed cookies.

There we are, into the fiery furnace.

Just in time. Perfect!

We've got to get a move on, Kingy,

because the rowers are coming over in a minute.

At Henley, they pause for tea.

They don't take tea, they pause for tea. One thing.

-What's that?

-We have no savouries.

-Ah-ha!

Cucumber sandwiches, thinly sliced.

# Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic... #

Your tea's ready!

Come on, your tea's ready.

The 60,000 million question - Tees Rowing Club, did you win?

-Yes!

-There you are, look at that.

Cor!

So, do you lads have a special diet?

Do you have to watch your calories,

or do you just go for it and bulk up weight?

I fall into the heavyweight category

where you try and eat as much as you can -

-6,000 or 7,000 calories a day.

-What?!

Plenty of cream, anything rich - chocolate, fat...

6,000 or 7,000 calories a day!

Body's a temple, dude, body's a temple.

Yeah, but that's what we do,

-but we've got to go rowing to get rid of it.

-Ah.

We should do that, we could be like this, it's not too late.

This whinging about rowing, I don't know what the problem is.

Me neither! I mean, look -

get an engine and you really can have your cake and eat it.

It's hard work when you're coxless.

Aww, hey - I tell you what, does this join on to the Tyne?

HE LAUGHS

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